Futurama s07e22 Episode Script

Two two, three [Door whooshes open.]
Hey, guys.
Remember Carlos, the elderly one-legged cowboy who lives next door? I beat him up and took his hat! It's really nice.
I hope he's not hurt too bad.
Come on! Let's go to a redneck bar.
[Others cheering.]
[Country music playing.]
Wha? It's called line dancing, Professor.
It's fun because there's no touching and lots of rules.
Hey, look, a mechanical buggalo! Out of my way, losers! I have a way with bucking mechanical things.
Yep.
[Sultrily.]
: Hey, baby.
I'm Bender.
[Feedback squeals.]
Ooh-whee! Gather 'round, yokel wannabes! This here city slicker's about to get his nuts bolted! Oh, yeah? If I don't set a new club record, I'll eat my hat.
[Bell rings, buzzer sounds.]
A new club record for shortest ride.
[Cheers and applause.]
Told you! Yee-haw! Still, someone should eat the hat.
[Slurping, munching.]
[Bell dings.]
[Grunting.]
[Screams.]
[Grunts.]
[Cheers and applause.]
[Bell dings.]
[Screams.]
Oh, my.
[Bell dings.]
[Grunting.]
[Screams.]
[Sighs.]
[Screams.]
[Bell dings.]
[Giggles.]
Oh! Whoa! [Gasping.]
[Screaming.]
Something's wrong! Turn it off before she barfs up her bucket of hot wings! [Screaming.]
It's not responding! Command Center, override! Override! [Rapid beeping.]
Oh, no.
It's achieved consciousness! God forgive us for creating this.
Make it stop! Oh, God, please make it stop! [Screaming.]
[Crowd screaming.]
Look out, little drunk Sheila! [Screaming.]
[Whimpers.]
[Buzzer sounds.]
We got us a winner! [Cheers and applause.]
Oh, thank God you're all right and won us a free steak dinner.
Why didn't you let go? My hand is stuck! There must be glue on the saddle! [Grunting.]
Relax.
Let maybe a doctor take a look.
Ah, just as I had no idea.
You're breaking out in suction cups.
Ewe! Why is that happening? And will I have to die listening to country music? Not if I can get you to a better doctor.
We'll have to hurry-he doesn't have much time! [Popping.]
[Siren wailing.]
What is it, Dr.
Tenderman? Is it serious? I'm afraid these suction cups are merely the first phase of a process called "squidification".
[All gasp.]
I probably gave it to you! Sometimes I don't wash my hands for years at a time.
I'm afraid it's a genetic condition that sometimes affects mutants.
Your limbs will gradually transform into a slithering mass of - Tentacles.
- Oh, God! So, how many cures are there for this disease? I'm afraid none.
The only treatment is an incredibly expensive operation that just delays the symptoms for a few months.
[Crying.]
: Oh! I wish I'd never been born! [Crying.]
Damn it.
Why me?! There are still so many things I wanted to let go of! Leela, no matter what happens, no matter what kind of monster you turn into It won't change the way I feel about you.
Zoidberg? [Popping.]
[Water rushing in distance.]
[Crying.]
It's like I'm cursed! Isn't it bad enough that I occasionally lay an egg? Now I have to become a squid, too?! [Crying.]
Aw, Sweetie, tentacles are beautiful.
I mean, look at your Mother here.
She's so gorgeous, you hardly even notice the tentacles.
And if you're worried, you can always move down here with us.
In the sewer, you'll fit right in.
[Sloshing.]
Sewer mail! [Singsong.]
: He's single.
I don't care if that operation will only delay the tentacles.
Somehow, we got to find a way to pay for it.
[Sighs.]
It's no use.
There's absolutely no way we can afford to Wait! We'll sell Ol' Bessie! Fry, take the old gal to market and get the best darn price you can.
[Others cheering.]
Yeah, I will! Yeah, all right! [Cowbell ringing.]
Come on, Ol' Bessie.
Man: Warp drives! Get your warp drives! [Whistles.]
Say, friend, that's a heck of a ship.
She's worth a lot of money.
I'm gonna sell her at market so my girlfriend can get surgery for her squidification.
[Whistles.]
Jeepers, my wife had that.
Got sicker and sicker, and in the end We found a miracle cure! Giant beans? They must be worth a fortune! These babies are the jewels of the bean kingdom.
But since you're in a jam, I'll trade 'em for that ship of yours.
Hmm.
I don't know.
They're the cure-all that cures a lot! Rheumatism, botulism, seborrhea, diarrhea, desiccation, perspiration, common cold and, uh Um, uh Squidification? If you say so.
Wait a second.
How could beans possibly cure her? Because they're magic! They fell from the sky! Oh, now you tell me! I did it! I got a great deal on the ship! Hooray! I knew you wouldn't let us down in any way.
Well, how much did you get? Two! Two magic beans! [Groans.]
: Ooh! You sack of bags of buckets of idiots! There's no such thing as magic beans! [Sighs.]
: Oh.
"Fry, you big dummy"? Very much so.
Whatever you're trying to do, I appreciate it.
But this is one of those rare problems with no magic solution.
[Crickets chirping.]
You look sad.
You want to go down to the phone store and check out the new ring tones? No.
It's been a weird day.
I'm just gonna stay here and think for a while.
Okay.
[Kisses, pops.]
Leela: To my wonderful friends, words can't express how thoughtful you've been.
I don't want to make you suffer through this with me, so I've decided to move underground to the sewer.
I'll miss several of you, but I know it's the right thing to do.
Please, don't try to contact me down there.
It'll only make things harder.
Good-bye.
[Grunts.]
That's new.
Eh, I'll take the beanstalk less traveled.
[Grunting.]
[Grunting.]
Wow.
I've never been up this high before.
Well, outer space, I guess.
[Rumbling.]
Whoa! It's collapsing! What the [Grunting.]
It's some kind of deluxe apartment in the sky.
[Laughs.]
Oh.
[Sniffs.]
[Gasps.]
[Slurping.]
[Burps.]
[Neighs.]
It's like a Fairy Tale! Finally, a turn for the better.
[Choking.]
Gotcha.
This situation deteriorated fast.
[Humming.]
Whoa! We've been weed-whacked! Whoa, check out that giant [Screams.]
[Thud.]
Your intruder, Mother.
[Gasps.]
That is one skugly critter.
[Grunts.]
I'm not an animal, I'm a mutant being, and I demand to know where I am.
There.
Leela: Momsanto? Yes, you've discovered my floating genetic engineering facility.
Our experiments would be illegal on Earth, but up here, I'm above the law.
[Laughs.]
Nice pun, Mother.
It's not a pun, it's a play on words! Come on, I'll show you the lab.
This is Colossus the beanstalk project.
Ordinary beans are a magical fruit, but they're tiny and pathetic.
So we spliced elephant DNA into their chromosomes for added heft.
[Trumpets.]
[Beeping.]
[Buzzes.]
So those magic beans are actually genetically engineered? You can't just meddle with life like that.
Who do you think you are God? I wish.
Then I could stop these things from collapsing under their own weight.
Why are you committing these atrocities against nature? Nature's out of its league.
There are 40 billion hungry people on this planet, many of whom will pay top dollar for one of my pine-u-porks.
[Snorts.]
Find yourself a porcupine, blast some pig DNA into it, microwave till juicy.
[Bell dings.]
And bang! You've got a cocktail treat complete with built-in toothpicks.
[Chewing noisily.]
Dare I even ask what horrors are behind that door? It's where I keep my warning signs, all right? Stop asking questions! Fine.
Can I go now? The only place you're going is nowhere.
You've got some freaky DNA, and I want to see what's in your genes.
[Snickers.]
Genes with a "G"! Ow! Now, that's a pun.
Oh! I miss Leela so much.
Last night in the bathtub, I ate a whole box of taco shells.
Yes, I was there.
I know she said not to contact her, but it's been three weeks.
I'm going to fall down that manhole again and visit her.
[Ringing.]
Leela's wrist thingy.
How can I help you? Fry, where's Leela? We haven't seen her since she sprouted tentacles.
What?! She didn't move down there?! Then where is she? That's what I called to ask you.
Well, you didn't! I've got to figure out where Leela went.
I just need some kind of clue.
Ow! [Gasps.]
Leela's boot.
Where did it come from? I think it fell from the sky, but I'm not sure.
Now I'm sure.
[Both gasping.]
Whoa! Whoa! [Both screaming.]
[Both grunt.]
Whoa! Remember that mural on my cousin's van? It's like it came to life! I keep telling you, we didn't grow up together.
Leela: Help, help! [Gasps.]
Leela, don't worry, we're here to rescue you! How do we get up there? I'll let my hair down and you can climb up! That's not hair.
I don't care what it is.
I just like climbing.
Holy Rapunzel, man-bat! There's a duo here to rescue us! How dynamic are they? Not very.
Go about your business, citizens.
Well, back to being the subject of gruesome genetic experiments, old chum.
[Gasping.]
Ow! Oh! Yah! Oh! Ee! [Grunts.]
[Chuckles.]
Oh, Leela, it's so great to see your beautiful face again.
Let me give you a hug.
Uh, okay.
Go in that corner.
It's the hugging corner.
You, too, Bender.
Instead, I went to bed because I'm tired now.
This is about your tentacles, isn't it? Look, Leela, there's nothing about your body that could ever shock me, so [Screams.]
That is nasty! Sorry I screamed, Leela.
I was just so excited to see you.
Yeah.
Let's just get out of here.
No problem.
I'll bend the door open.
You can't bend a wooden door! [Hushed.]
: I know that, and you know that.
But this door looks pretty stupid.
[Grunting.]
[Grunts.]
[Gasps.]
What time is it? Time for you to shut up! [Hisses.]
[Both scream.]
Quick, in here! [Gasping.]
[Grunting.]
[All panting.]
We'll be safe in this utter darkness.
[Low growling.]
Hey, maybe one of these switches turns off that scary noise.
[Growling continues.]
[All scream.]
Fee-fi-fo-fum! You had me at "fee"! It's another one of Mom's genetic monstrosities! Poor thing.
We've got to help him.
I thought we were in a hurry to escape, but whatever.
It's okay, big guy.
We won't let her hurt you anymore.
[Roars.]
[Gasping.]
[Screaming.]
[Sighs.]
[Roars.]
[Screams.]
[Growls.]
[Screams.]
[Grunting.]
Well, look what the giant cat dragged in.
Memo to self breed giant cat to drag things in.
You're not breeding any giant thing! It's reckless and irresponsible, and we're going to stop you.
Yeah! Even if it means crashing this ship with us in it.
Yeah! Wait.
Crashing what with who in it? [All screaming.]
Don't worry, Mother, we'll save [grunts.]
Mm, mm, mm.
Mama knows what I like! Huh? The sky is falling! I say, I say, the sky is falling! [Squawks.]
[People screaming.]
[All gasping.]
[All gasping.]
And remember, don't report them missing till after we max out their credit cards.
Squid attack! Hit the deck! [All gasp.]
We're back, baby.
And we brought you a little something.
[Grunts.]
[All gasp.]
It's okay.
Leela's just changed a little.
More than a little.
She's beautiful! Listen, Fry, whatever it was that you and I had together Goulash? No! Well, I don't know.
Maybe it was goulash.
But it can't really continue.
What are you talking about? I want to spend my life with you.
No, you don't.
I mean, look at me.
Big deal.
Looks change.
No matter what happens, you'll always be Leela, the woman I love.
Thank you, Fry.
[Both moaning quietly.]
Ah, there you are, Leela.
I just wanted to thank you for helping me engineer the perfect bean.
You've made me a very richer woman.
What?! I would never help you commit your perverted crimes against nature! My marigolds! Thanks to that DNA sample you generously donated while locked in my tower, my beanstalks now have suction cups to keep them from collapsing.
That's horrible! Is it? Now the world's starving masses have a cheap, abundant source of nutrition.
But not too cheap.
I'll take the cash, and you can have the credit.
I don't want the credit! Genetic engineering is wrong! Oh, really? Tell that to your old friend, the giant.
[Screams.]
Where is he?! Oh, God, he's invisible now! Fee-fi, hi.
[Chuckles.]
I'm Stan.
Ah-ha! You see? I freed him from your infernal contraption and he returned to normal.
On the contrary, I suffer from hereditary Gigantism.
Or I did, until Mom cured me of my awful disease using genetic engineering.
That's why she had me hooked up in her lab.
Oh, well, congratulations.
You look great.
But, even if genetic engineering feeds the hungry, and cures some giant guy! That doesn't make it right.
We have no idea what the long term affects will be.
And once that genie is out of the bottle I can cure you too.
Okay I'm in.