Friends s07e23 Episode Script

Do you realize this is the last time we'll be here as six single people? What's happening to the coffeehouse? From now on, it's you four and me and the missus.
The little woman.
The wife.
The old ball and chain.
- Old? - The young, hot ball and chain.
- Much better.
- We gotta go.
- Where? - Get the dress and lunch with mom.
Joey, you too? I just heard "lunch.
" Yeah, I can go.
Sure.
Actually, I'm glad they're leaving.
I need to talk to you about something.
- What's up? - This may be a little awkward.
If you need money, it's a bad time.
I'm buying 128 dinners tomorrow.
No, it's not that.
I'm not gonna say this as your friend but as Monica's older brother.
- But you're still my friend? - Not for a few minutes.
- Right now, are you still my best man? - No.
Do I still call you Ross? You guys are getting married, and I couldn't be more thrilled.
But as her older brother, I have to tell you this: If you ever hurt my little sister if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind I will hunt you down and kick your ass.
What? I'm serious.
- Dude! Stop it! I'm not kidding.
- I hear what you're saying and thanks for the warning.
No problem.
Are we friends again? Yeah.
You won't believe what Monica's brother just said to me! The One With Monica and Chandler's Wedding What you doing, Mon? I'm listing things that could go wrong at the wedding.
So I can be prepared.
- What are they? - "The dresses won't get picked up veil gets lost, and I'm missing something blue.
" I'm responsible for all those.
I had to go with the odds.
Remember I didn't get that part? The commercial? That play? That other play? - The movie? - Yes! The one about the dog who flies planes? No.
But man, that one hurt.
- This is the one about WWI soldiers.
- Oh, yeah.
Back then we called it "The Great War.
" It really was.
A guy they wanted backed out! I start shooting today! Congratulations! - Today's the dinner.
- I'll be done by then.
Oh.
Then way to go, you big movie star! See you.
I'm off to fight the Nazis.
Wait, Joey.
We fought the Nazis in WWII, not WWI.
Whoa.
Who was in WWI? Go ahead.
You're gonna be late! Go! Go! Who did we fight in WWI? - Mexico? - Yes.
Very good.
- Hey, Joey.
We're ready.
- Yeah, me too.
Richard, we're ready for you.
Joey Tribbiani, Richard Crosby is playing Vincent.
- I'm acting with you? - Nice to meet you.
I can't believe this.
Incredible.
You just won an Oscar.
No, I didn't.
I think you did.
I think I lost, three times.
- Cookie? Would you? - No.
We're about an hour away from getting the scene lit.
- Can you guys run it a couple times? - Yeah, sure.
All right.
Let's do it.
And action! - We have to find the platoon! - Forget it, the platoon is gone! - What? - Platoon's dead! Face facts, Tony! What'll we do? We have no reinforcements or food.
There's food in the basement.
Potatoes and some pasta.
Hang on.
Joey, you keep touching your face.
Something wrong? No.
I thought it might be a cool character thing.
He's a face toucher.
I don't think so.
Let's take it back to Richard's last lines.
Action! No weapons, but we still have food.
Potatoes, pasta and a few tins of tuna! Honey, we gotta go! Here's a question you never want to ask: Can my dad borrow one of your pearl necklaces? Did he say what kind of neckline he's wearing? No.
I just met him once, but I'm guessing plunging? He is more of a if-you've-got-it- flaunt-it kind of father.
Let me see if Rachel has anything.
Yes, include more people.
Do you realize that tomorrow we're gonna be getting married? I have a date tomorrow night.
- I can't believe we made it.
- Don't sound so surprised.
I'm sorry, but .
- Nothing.
- What? Well, honestly? Ever since we got engaged I've waited for you to flip out.
Honestly? Me too.
- Really? - Yeah.
I think that something will come up and I'll go all Chandler.
- But nothing has.
- I'm so glad.
Thank you for staying so calm during this.
It's made me stay calm.
I could've been worse.
I'll be right there.
Before Saturday, you've reached Monica and Chandler.
But if you're calling after Saturday, you've reached Mr.
And Mrs.
Bing.
Please leave a message for the Bings! Maureen! - This is my cousin, Maureen.
- We're the Bings.
Hi! You guys look so beautiful.
Mr.
And Mrs.
Bing! Wow, Monica.
So you know, I had my older-brother talk with Chandler.
What is that? I told him that if he ever hurt you I would hunt him down and kick his ass.
What is the matter with everybody? I'm serious.
I would kick his ass! Ross, please, my makeup! - Chandler.
- Mom.
Thanks for wearing something.
This is so exciting! I thought we screwed you up too much for this.
Just think, soon there will be lots of little Bings.
I can't believe I'm going back to get spit on again.
You're lucky, the people who spit on you are famous.
- Who spits on you? - I don't want to talk about work.
Mrs.
Bing? These are my parents, Judy and Jack Geller.
- It's lovely to meet you.
- Are you his mother or father? Jack! What? I've never seen one before.
Dad, there's Ross.
Go talk to him.
I wasn't even able to act like I'm okay with it.
Hello, all.
Hi Dad.
Hi, Mr.
Bing.
- Nora.
- Charles.
- It's so great to see you both here.
- Yes.
Although we may be seeing too much of some people.
Aren't you too old to wear a dress like that? Don't you have too much penis to wear a dress like that? Oh, my God.
Of course you can kick his ass, son.
You could kick anyone's ass you want to.
Thanks, you guys.
- Rach, Rach? - Yeah? Talk to Chandler's dad and keep him away from Chandler's mom.
- What's he look like? - A man in a black dress.
I'm Rachel, a friend of Monica and Chandler's.
- I'm Amanda.
- Oh, I get it.
"A man, duh! " Could I have your attention? - I'm Ross Geller.
- Dr.
Ross Geller.
Dad, please.
As I was saying I'm Dr.
Ross Geller.
And I'm the best man.
This marriage is doubly special for me because not only is the groom my best friend but the bride is my little sister.
She's the greatest sister a guy could ask for.
Please join me in raising a glass to the couple we're here to celebrate.
- To the Bings.
- To the Bings! I'm gonna steam my dress.
Who will make sure nothing happens to it? - I'll do it.
- Who wants it? Anybody? - I said I'll do it.
- Nobody? - All right, I'll do it myself.
- I'm not gonna screw it up.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
You were a big help tonight.
Thanks for helping my grandmother get to the hotel.
- Of course! That's what I'm here for.
- Okay.
Sorry.
What grandmother? - Where have you been? - Taking my parents to the hotel.
- Going back to work? - Yeah.
- Nice shades.
- Lf I wear these in my scenes I won't get spit in my eyes.
And, if I remember correctly, Ray-Ban was the official sponsor of WWI.
Great! All right! I'll see you later.
- Where's Chandler? - I think he's in Rachel's room.
Chandler? - Is Monica here? - She's steaming her dress.
Why? - I think Chandler's gone.
- What? - He left that.
- "Tell Monica I'm sorry.
" Oh, my God.
What's up? "Tell Monica I'm sorry.
" Tell her yourself.
Oh, my God.
Chandler just left, though? Maybe it's not what we think.
"Tell Monica I'm sorry I drank the last of the milk.
" Or maybe he was writing to tell her that he's changed his name: "Tell Monica, I'm Sorry.
" - It means he freaked out and left! - Don't be so negative! Good God, isn't it possible that "Sorry" is sitting in there right now? Phoebe, I think Ross is right.
What are we gonna do? I'm gonna have to go find him and bring him back.
You make sure Monica does not find out, okay? But, if you don't find him and bring him back I am gonna hunt you down and kick your ass! I will find him.
Joey? Can you go through these lines with me? Oh, man, they just re-did my makeup.
- Just the last two pages.
- All right.
I found the picture! Picture? What picture? The picture of my wife I found in your pack.
- Could you lower the script? - I don't want to.
I need to see your face so I can play off your reaction.
Okay, look.
I know you're great and play all those Shakespeare guys but you're spitting all over me, man.
- Of course I am! - You know you've been spitting? That's what real actors do.
Enunciation is the mark of a good actor.
And when you enunciate, you spit! Wow.
Didn't know that.
Thanks.
Okay, check it out.
Picture? What picture? - Have you seen Chandler? - No, I haven't seen him.
- Damn.
- He's getting married tomorrow, right? Yes.
Don't worry.
Everything's fine.
- See you at the wedding.
- I wasn't invited.
Then we'll see you the day after tomorrow.
Mom? Dad? What are you doing here? We thought we'd see what the fuss is all about.
- I see why the girls like coming here.
- Why? The sexy blond behind the counter.
- Gunther? - She just added him to her list.
- Your list? - Of people we're allowed to sleep I know what the list is.
Come on, sit down.
Have a cup of joe.
Dad, I can't.
I'm sorry.
If you see Chandler, tell him I'm looking for him.
And if you see Rita Moreno, let her know I'm looking for her.
Action! I found the picture! What picture? A picture of my wife, in your pack! You went through my personal property? Why do you have a picture of Paulette in your pack? Because, Vincent, we were lovers for two years! Cut! Wonderful! Great scene, huh? You were awesome.
In that last speech, you soaked me.
- Tomorrow's call sheet.
- I'm not working tomorrow.
- You are now.
- No, you gotta get me out of it.
I have plans.
Important plans! - Still no word from Chandler.
- Oh, man.
But they found the grandmother wandering down 5th.
Okay, well there's one down.
I'm getting married today! I cracked a rib, but I don't care.
Today's my wedding! My day is finally here! She might not even notice he's gone.
I'm gonna start getting ready! We can't let her start getting ready.
This is too awful! She'll be in the gown, and he won't show up.
Then she'll have to take off the gown Stop it.
You can't do this here.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's just so sad.
Pull it together.
She can't see you like this.
- She'll know something's wrong.
- I know.
I know.
There's no tissue.
Can you grab me some toilet paper? Oh, that's gone too.
This is Monica's bathroom, right? I found one.
Thank you.
Oh, God.
Can I have another one? Sure.
Do you need some floss? I can't imagine what will happen if he doesn't show up.
Here's a whole bunch.
She'll be at the wedding waiting and people will be whispering, "That poor girl.
" Then she'll have to come back here and live alone.
- Oh, my God.
- What? There was a pregnancy test in the garbage, and it's positive.
Monica's pregnant.
So I guess she won't be totally alone.
Next time on Friends: - We've gotta tell her.
- No, we can't.
She's getting ready.
Can't you stall her? I'm never gonna get married.
We've just got one scene with you two, and Richard is a pro.
- Are you drunk? - No! Yes, you are! All right.
- How's Chandler? - Great! - Where are you? - On the set.
It's turning into the worst wedding ever.