M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e24 Episode Script

[Rooster Crowing.]
[Dog Barking.]
I hate the army! Usually, I just can't stand it, but this is different.
This is hate.
Two days in surgery I remove enough shrapnel to build a DeSoto.
I evac an entire post-op full of patients.
Then I go to the Mess Tent for my first decent meal.
- You know what they had for breakfast? - I'm closed.
Spam omelets with dried fruit cocktail.
How can I eat that and look my mouth in the face? Sorry.
My pots and pans are asleep.
Rosie.
One quick, nourishing breakfast, please.
Okay.
I still got some grease left over from last night.
- What'll you have? - A beer and a bowl.
- What? - The breakfast of ex-champions.
- Ahh.
Listen to that.
- [Crackling.]
Snap, crackle and burp.
Mmm.
Whatever you got, in a shot glass.
- I might as well open.
- [Sighs.]
Anything to smoke? Special today: Two bits.
- My treat.
- Thanks.
- It's got teeth marks on it.
- It's a demonstrator model.
Hi, I'm Hawkeye Pierce.
And I forget your name? Scully.
Jack Scully.
Listen, uh, I don't mean to pry, but are the Chinese right outside the door or something? Nope.
I just came off the line about five miles back.
Hell of a battle.
When it was over, I decided to go away for a little rest.
I've been a-walkin' and thumbin' since sunrise.
- You're AWOL? - [Exhales.]
For about three hours.
AWOL? Did I hear AWOL? Sorry, buddy, but out you go.
I don't want no M.
P.
S bustin' in on me.
- I run a family bar.
- I'll vouch for him, Rosie.
One M.
P.
, and it's your butt.
I've been out there for six months.
Every day, crawling and scratching from one lousy foxhole to another.
Watching buddies of mine get clobbered two feet away, knowing there's no end in sight.
Well, I called time-out.
I'm lucky to have made it this far, and I ain't going back.
- That's the spirit.
- This war's over for me, Mac.
I'm gonna sit right here and order drinks and pay for 'em with whatever I got on my back.
I ought to last out a good 10 years.
Refill.
- Here.
Keep the change.
- No.
Put that back in your wallet.
My contribution to the antiwar effort.
You're spoilin' me.
Ah, Hawkeye, there you are.
I don't know why, but there you are.
- Beej, this is Sergeant Scully, and vice versa.
- Hey, those are real soldier clothes.
Potter's looking for you.
There's some paperwork you didn't finish - like for the last six months.
- Tell him I'm sorry.
- No, tell him I'm not coming back.
- Huh? In fact, you can rent out my room.
Scully and I are staying here forever.
- You're divorcing the army? - Call me fickle.
- I'll call you in Leavenworth.
- Come on.
Life is a sewer sandwich.
Have a shot.
Sorry, I'm on a rigid diet.
No alcohol before breakfast.
Rosie'll whip you up a side of waffles.
Well, okay.
One drink.
[Singing Show Tune.]
[Ends.]
Aw, let her go.
You know our problem? Our voices are too low.
This time, let's be the Andrews Sisters.
I'll be Patty, you be Maxene, you be LaVerne.
I'm always LaVerne! Why can't you be LaVerne once? Because I've had it with making sacrifices! They sent me to this stinking place, and they won't let me go home.
Sorry, I didn't know.
Sure glad I'm not in your shoes.
Hey, let's not talk about it.
As long as we're here, there's no out there.
Just us.
No lousy war.
No crummy army.
- And the skies are not cloudy all day.
- Right.
You know, Scully makes sense.
What he's trying to say is you stop me if I'm wrong - What's he trying to say? - That Rosie's is an oasis a bamboo security blanket a neutral country all its own.
Yeah.
Yeah, a country.
Why don't we form our own country? Yeah, right.
There.
You see what you did, Uncle Sam? We seceded from the Union.
Hey, wait a minute.
Don't we gotta give our country a name? Otherwise, how can schoolkids ever study about us? Oh, yeah, right.
Yeah, okay.
Uh All right, a name.
All right, okay.
I got it.
I got it.
How's this? - Canada.
- What? - I think that's being used.
All right.
Then let's name it after after the founder, Rosie.
How's this? Rosieland.
Rosieland is the name of a ballroom, not a country.
- If you let me call it Rosieland, I'll be LaVerne.
- Rosieland! It's perfect! Rosie, another round.
- Everybody drinking.
Anybody paying? - How 'bout a bottle on the house? We just declared your crummy saloon to be a sovereign new state Rosieland.
Tsk.
I gotta start watering the booze.
- Our motto is "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happy hour.
" - And we're staying here forever.
Just don't make a mess.
Oh, there you are.
Colonel Potter's got an all-points bulletin out for you two.
- We're not here.
- Oh, I get it.
Layin' low.
Well, don't worry.
My lips are stapled.
Back in Toledo, we got a saying: "Spill the news, and you wear cement shoes.
" - What a nice way to put it.
- Here you go, LaVerne.
Rosie! I understand Wang Ho is bringing Korea's finest floating crap game right here.
- I don't know a thing.
- I gotta get in that game.
- I even wore my professional knee pads.
- I still don't know a thing.
Right.
- Here you are.
- Another five.
How'd you know? Just follow me.
Great place you've got here! Banquet facilities and everything.
When Wang Ho shows up, tell him you got a reservation.
- Good luck and bring back the bacon.
- [Laughs.]
Luck has nothing to do with it.
It's skill.
Back in Toledo, I was such a hot shooter, even a couple of big-league scouts approached me.
The mob is always on the lookout for fresh talent.
Uh-huh.
When you're tap city, let me know.
I got a big waiting list for your spot.
Hey, what's this? Oh.
That's what happened to that deadbeat.
I thought he just skipped out without paying.
Whew! He's a sponge.
Sir, you okay? Thirty dollars.
Liquor and two days' rent.
- Cough it up.
- Don't tempt him.
Ah, welcome to Rosieland! With every drink you get an honorary citizenship and a commemorative pretzel.
Wait! Wait, wait! A little respect for our flag.
Sort of makes you want to cry, doesn't it? Has anybody explained to you the philosophy of Rosieland? No.
But somebody wanted to use my underwear for a flag.
Oh, that would be our secretary of the interior.
It's an intimate little country we have here, where man's only obligation is to love his fellow woman.
So how 'bout it? You wanna be a patriot and love me back? Turncoat.
- What's going on here? - Aw, Major, we just came in for a little drink.
- We're not on duty, and everybody's here.
- That's what I mean.
- Why wasn't I invited? - We didn't think you'd be interested.
- That's gonna cost you both a drink.
- Well, sit down.
Excuse me, ladies.
I'd like to go over your head.
Major, would you care to dance? Oh, thank you, but I'm having a drink with my nurses.
What would you say if I told you you're the prettiest thing I've seen in six months? Let's hit the floor.
And, please, call me Margaret.
Oh, sir, thank goodness you're here, or I wouldn't have found you here.
- Colonel Potter's really mad.
- Radar, you can tell Potter we're not coming back.
Are you crazy? You want me to tell him that? This morning he bit through a pencil He wasn't even wearing his partial.
No, sir.
If you're not willing to face the colonel, Captain, neither am I.
- Then neither am I.
How about a grape Nehi? - Yeah.
I could use one.
Who's that? Klinger found him about an hour ago.
If nobody claims him by tomorrow, he gets to keep him.
Doesn't he have any I.
D.
? He's gotta have I.
D.
Just his dog tags.
Major Frank Dorsett, the unknowing soldier.
- I better check him out with H.
Q.
- Yeah, see if they have a missing drunk.
First I'm gonna have that Nehi.
Maybe a double.
[B.
J.
.]
Straight Nehi for my friend here.
Gentlemen.
The Wang Ho crap game is here for your enjoyment.
- Here we go.
- [Chattering.]
- Wait a minute.
Neither of you is Wang Ho.
How could this be his game? He sold it to us, but we get to use his name.
Good for business.
I'm Cho Kim, and this is my oldest son, Ham.
- Ever see two more honest faces? - Plenty of times.
- Here we go.
- [Laughs.]
Funny clothes you wear to shoot dice.
Where you gonna put your winnings? - I got a garter belt and two "B" cups.
- You shoot.
Ladies first.
- Okay.
Down for 10.
Cover me.
- Cover.
- [Chattering.]
Here we go.
It's like handing Liberace a piano.
- [Chuckles.]
Yeah, so you say.
- All right.
[Blows.]
Talk to me, freckle twins! - Here we go, baby! - Point is four.
- Twenty he won't make it.
- Ho-ho! [Blows.]
Come on, four! Craps! Mr.
Seven is a loser.
- [Laughs.]
- Come on, guys.
My whole future's in your hands.
[All Cheering.]
Ah, another first-timer.
Can I get you a table, baby face? [Chuckles.]
No, thank you.
I won't be staying long.
I'm just here on a mission, as it were.
Well, have fun.
You look like you could use it.
[Cheering, Applauding.]
B.
J.
, I hate to interrupt you in mid-debauch - but I'd like a word with you.
- You're not going to tell me Potter is still looking for us? Pardon my French, but if the colonel notices his diminished ranks - there's gonna be hell to pay.
- You need a drink.
Another beer here! This isn't one of my sermons.
I expect you to listen.
Father, we're hiding from the world, not Potter.
And every extra minute away is pure gold.
Come on.
Don't tarnish it.
[Sighs.]
Ah, well.
I never could play the heavy.
Ah, finally.
A customer with money.
I am looking for an indolent worm.
- You won't find one in my kitchen.
- [Laughs.]
Oh, no.
Get out of my way, honey.
- Pierce! Pierce! - No, Charles, you may not cut in.
You were to have relieved me as officer of the day over two hours ago.
Now I demand a full apology, even though I will never accept it.
Yeah, well, you can blow it out your bosko, Winchester 'cause I'm not apologizing, and I'm not taking O.
D.
Duty.
If I say apologize, you will apo - What do you mean you're not taking officer of the day? - Just what I said.
None of your long-winded excuses, Pierce.
You can't toy with me.
Now either you take this badge immediately, or I will have you court-martialed so fast - your vacuum-like head will spin.
- Silence! Another word and I'll have you under citizen's arrest.
- I am going to count to one.
- That's the word.
What are you doing Pierce, what are you do You are touching me! - Pierce! [Indistinct.]
- Get this, will ya? - Pierce, let go! - You guys are gonna get yourselves in real trouble.
- Look who's talking.
- Let go of me, or you will never see your families again! - [All Cheering.]
- [Charles.]
Ple-ease! - [Dice Rattling.]
- Okay, okay.
Somethin' right's gotta happen here.
- Hey, stay back.
You're in my luck.
- The point is six.
- Oh, hello, everyone.
- [Speaking Korean.]
No, no, don't worry, Cho.
He's one of us.
- Have a kneel, Father, while I try to thaw these dice.
- Thank you.
- Okay, roll the bones, Klinger.
- Come on.
I need a six.
- Baby needs a new girdle.
Come on, six! - Come on, six! - Seven! - Father, I gotta change my luck.
Please, he won't fail you.
Oh, Klinger.
I don't like to call on him for this.
I'll come to church.
I promise.
Oh, well, in that case.
A new shooter.
A holy roller! - Okay, okay.
Ten on the father.
- You're covered.
Come on, baby! The cardinal needs a new pair of red shoes.
And none of you are seeing this.
Hey! Craps! - Snake eyes.
You lose! - You must not live right, Father.
- Klinger, maybe we should quit.
- Quit? A Klinger never quits.
Surrender or desert, yes.
But quit? Never! - Besides, he's got all my Saturday night jewelry.
- [Laughs.]
Major? Major, you gotta get up.
Hey, Major.
I know you're havin' a good time and everything but this is really important.
[Sighs.]
Begging your pardon, Major, but you're really disgusting.
Couldn't you find a livelier companion, Radar? We got a big problem here.
I called H.
Q.
I had them check this guy out from here to Tokyo.
And-And there's no record of him whatsoever.
- Who'd want him in the first place? - He's not listed anywhere.
As far as they're concerned, this guy doesn't even exist.
- The army is always right.
- Huh.
It's so refreshing to meet a man like you.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
The only ones I get to meet lately are general officers Real softies who hang their big potbellies over their dinner table and spout, "War is hell.
" [Laughs.]
How do I get a job like that? [Laughs.]
There's a real strength about you.
I don't mean just the broad shoulders.
It's a real force that's almost overpowering.
- You're crushing my hand.
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
So how long do you have before you rejoin your unit? Margaret, I kinda like you except for one thing You talk a little too much.
That's only because I'm so interested in you.
Shh.
You'll never make general.
Colonel potter.
! What an honor.
Let me clear out a few of these bums and get you a table.
That's okay, Rosie.
I just stopped by to see where my camp went.
Pierce.
What's going on here? I've been losing people all day.
It's very simple, Colonel.
We quit the war.
Uh-huh.
When you quit, you're supposed to give notice.
Oh, Colonel.
I found Hawkeye.
He's over at Rosie's.
You two are deep in my doghouse.
And where's that officer of the day? - Uh, over here.
- He's fit to be tied.
It was easy roping him, but it took six of us to get the gag in his mouth.
- Where do you want him branded? - Why can't you three learn to play together? Okay, Winchester.
Colonel, l [Gags, Clears Throat.]
I was raised in a gracious and civilized atmosphere.
I was taught the Golden Rule and with the exception of some few business dealings, I have learned to live by it.
However, in this case, I want these vermin hung! I want them buried in anthills, their bodies smeared with honey.
! - Easy, Major.
- I want them drawn and quartered and I want the pieces arrested! Shush, Winchester.
He's got a case.
I have never been so humiliated in my life! In between dances, they come over here and they they sit on me! - Will you pipe down? - I demand you bring charges against all the people Okay, Winchester.
I'll take care of everything.
You just relax.
- You! Follow me.
- Huh? Colonel, you can't spank us.
Rosie doesn't have her woodshed.
You know, as a commander, I let you two get away with a lot around here even hog-tying a surgeon.
But if I let you walk out on me and take the whole camp with you, there's nothing to command.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to shut this wingding down.
Look, Colonel, a lot of people in there haven't had a night like this in a long time.
I know.
I know a thing like this is needed.
But I need something too respect.
It's supposed to come with the job and, besides, I've earned it.
Colonel, there were a lot of things we meant to show our disrespect for but unfortunately, you got caught in the rush.
To put it another way We're sorry.
You think that helps, don't you? All right, cut Winchester loose.
I'll tell him you were out of your heads.
He'll believe that.
- Appreciate it.
- We'll remember this.
I doubt if tomorrow you'll remember anything.
- Made it! - Pay the lucky lady.
- Finally.
- Congratulations, my son.
- Cho, let it ride.
- Let it ride.
Klinger, what's gotten into you? You made back a few dollars.
Be happy with that.
For the last time, white collar, leave players alone! You keep threatening me, young man, and you'll be wearing those dice in your nose.
- Ooh, Father.
- Klinger, I don't trust these two.
L-I haven't been able to catch them at it, but I know they're pulling something.
They're clean.
I thought they might be exchanging dice with the money but I haven't seen nothin'.
Look, my touch is coming back.
They can't beat me now.
- Come on.
Come on.
Let's go.
- Okay, okay.
[Mouths Words.]
- Nine to make! - It's in the bag.
It's in the bag.
Nine, fellas, nine.
Come on, nine! - A niner! - Pay the winner! Two in a row.
I've never seen such luck! - You're short five, old-timer.
- What? Sorry.
For an old pit boss I'm sure lousy with numbers.
- Here you go, missus.
- Surprise boys.
- Let it ride again.
- Let it ride! - Here we go! - Klinger, I'd like to talk to you.
- Father, not now.
I'm on a roll.
- Um Especially now! - Father! - There's something you should know.
- He's been like this for hours, Rosie.
- Don't worry, Radar.
- He's been like this for hours, Rosie.
- Don't worry, Radar.
Even if he's dead, my coffee will bring him back.
- What's in it? - Just coffee, an egg and a little gunpowder.
- That's dangerous! - Yeah! Now, you hold his nose.
I'll pour it down.
- He'll gag a lot, but don't mind.
- Okay.
This is for your own good, Major.
Oh, geez.
I can't look.
Ooh! Ooh! Oh, no.
I told Hawkeye there'd be trouble.
Oh, geez.
They're probably here for Major Dorsett.
They'll see this and think I should know something, but I don't know, so I'll get blamed.
I'm sorry, sir.
You're on your own.
- Excuse me, fellas.
- Where do you think you're going, Corporal? Who, me? I'm just going back to the camp.
I, uh I just came over here for a couple of bottles of booze.
You know, west my whittle wet my whistle.
- Uh-huh.
What else? - Oh, look.
I don't even know him! Geez! I'm not even the one that found him! He was asleep.
I tried to wake the major up and he wouldn't be up.
- Sit over there and write the whole thing out.
- Right.
I'll write.
Jordan, start checking through the crowd.
- I wonder what they're looking for.
- Probably me.
What? Why? I'm AWOL.
I walked off the line this morning.
- You deserted? You? - I hope that doesn't make a difference.
- Uh, excuse me.
What are you guys doing? - Looking for an AWOL.
Oh, uh, yeah.
Well, I'm I'm your man.
I'm the AWOL.
It's all a misunderstanding.
I don't own a watch.
- You don't fit the description.
- Of course not, I'm wearing a disguise.
I mean, I know the face looks like I just threw it on, but it's the best I could do.
- Oh, a joker.
- You're making a big mistake.
I'm wanted in three other wars.
Could I see some I.
D.
, Sarge? Uh, sorry.
I don't have any.
It just gets me in trouble.
Maybe you'd better come with me.
[Cho.]
It's a friendly game.
! [Men Shouting.]
I'll kill you guys! Nobody cheats me and gets away with it! - [Glass Breaking.]
- Nice move.
- [Grunts.]
- Fight.
! Fight.
! Oh, my Lord! Stop! Stop this, please! - You're all setting a bad example! - Aaah! - [Fighting Continues.]
- [Woman Screams.]
- Somebody should stop this.
- What are you girls waiting for? Get out there! Incoming! - [Man Yelling.]
- [Punches Being Thrown.]
All right! Which one of you guys threw this wood? - [Punch Being Thrown.]
- Serves you right! - Get off me! - [Groans.]
- Thanks.
- You bet.
Come on! Once the fight clears up, they're gonna take you in.
- Margaret! You're on my side.
- I just don't wanna see you get in any trouble.
Go on.
Go back to your unit.
Tell 'em you got lost in the battle.
That's not the point.
I'm sick of the war! Who isn't? Jack, we have no time to argue.
- Now come on, for heaven's sake.
Don't be a fool.
Go.
Now.
- Okay, Margaret.
But don't be surprised if I show up on your doorstep again.
- I've grown a little fond of this place.
- Anytime.
[Fighting Continues.]
Hey, baby! How 'bout a little kiss for me? - Ooh! - [Crashes.]
Gimme the money! Give me the money! Here.
Hold this.
[Grunting.]
- [Laughing.]
- Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Gimme that.
Ahh.
There it is! Okay, guys.
Where's the dice? I'm rarin' to play.
Boy! What a night! [Rooster Crowing.]
[Groans.]
Oh.
Oh.
- What time is it? - About a half past the 20th century.
We gotta get back.
I got duty in post-op this afternoon.
Yeah, we'll probably gonna start getting casualties soon.
- It's been too quiet around here.
- [Dog Barking.]
Good night, Rosie.
Thanks for a great time.
- Get lost already.
- Could somebody call me a cab? What's that? - [Object Falls To Ground.]
- L-I've gotta grab a cab fast.
Uh I've got a meeting at Pearl Harbor in an half half an hour.
- He's alive.
- Hey.
This isn't the Halekulani.
Where am I? - Where do you think you are? - Honolulu.
I'm stationed over at Schofield.
- I don't think you're gonna make your meeting.
- You're in Korea.
Korea? Wow.
They really took me seriously.
- What? - I was sitting with some of my friends and we were toasting July 4.
And I was saying how I'd like to join the fun in Korea.
They must've stuck me on a transport.
Why would anybody need to get drunk in Hawaii? Come on.
As long as you're here, we'll show you some of the fun.
Then you'll really need a drink.
By the way, it's notJuly 4.
It's about August 10.
Well, what do you know? I've been plastered for five weeks.
- That's a new record.
- In Honolulu maybe, but not here.