All In The Family s07e25 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days [EDITH SINGING OFF-KEY.]
[SINGING CONTINUES.]
[DOG BARKING.]
ARCHIE: Get away from me, dog! [DOG GROWLING.]
Get away from me! Get away from me, dog! Get the hell away! - Archie, don't! You'll hurt him! - Get outta here! - I ain't hurtin' him.
- You was kickin' him.
I wasn't kickin' him.
Well, it looked like you was kickin' him.
Well, I didn't kick him.
- Ohh! - What's the matter? I threw my back out tryin' to kick him.
That's Barney Hefner's dog again.
He's never home on his own property.
Why the hell is he always over here? Maybe he's looking for a bone.
Sure, and the bone he's looking for is buried in me.
Why me? Well, because you keep yelling at that poor dog.
Well, what the hell am I supposed to do when an animal's trying to tear me apart, huh? Whisper sweet nothings in his ear? Archie, you oughta make friends with Rusty.
Dogs is man's best friend.
- [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
- Oh My uncle's dog was his best friend.
I'll never forget Sport.
I don't wanna hear no dog stories.
No, Sport was my uncle.
They called your uncle Sport? Yeah, 'cause he wore pointy shoes and owed a lot of people money.
What a classy family.
His dog's name was Franklin, and one night-- Don't go on! It was in Los Angeles, on account of they lived in California On she goes.
One night Franklin, that was the dog, he was whinin' and howlin' which was his way of warning his master, who was my Uncle Sport, that there was gonna be an earthquake.
So my Uncle Sport, he put on his robe and his pointy shoes and he ran out of the building just as it started to shake.
Well, everybody that stayed in the building was very safe, including the dog Franklin.
But my uncle, well, he got hurt 'cause a sign fell on his head, and the sign said, "Stay indoors in case of earthquake.
" Franklin the dog didn't even know how to read, but he was smart enough to stay indoor-- Ohh, Archie! Don't do that! I would rather croak than hear you tell any more dog stories.
I'm fed up to here with dogs and with Barney Hefner! Oh, Archie, Barney is a neighbor.
And they're ain't too many left on the block that's still talkin' to you.
Well, that's because they won't give up on all their crazy religious and political ideas.
- [DOG BARKING, GROWLING.]
- There he is again, barking.
See? And I'm in the house now.
What he hell does he want? I wish we had a cat.
You hate cats.
I know, but I could ball it up and throw it nails-first at the dog.
Archie, I hate to see you go to work mad.
Don't worry about it.
Mad is a requirement for driving a cab in New York.
Now, look at that.
Look at that.
You see what he's doing out there? Huh? Right on the front walk.
Ain't that beautiful? Huh? Huh? Some people got a Welcome mat-- you got a Welcome splat.
He can't help it! Yeah, well, I know who can help it, Edith.
I know who's responsible for it, Edith.
And I know just what the hell I'm gonna do with it, too.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna just make a little delivery to Barney's front porch.
Oh, no! Archie, don't do that! Put it in the gutter! Don't argue.
Nothin's gonna stop me now.
[DOG GROWLS.]
Come here.
Stand over here now.
Now, just try to restract his attention.
What do you mean? Just tease and torment him while I outflank him out the back door.
I don't think you should do that.
I know what to do.
Don't think--I know exactly what I'm doing.
Geez! Unh! You see what your thinking does for me, huh? - [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
- Oh, there's the phone.
Now, get that phone.
Tell 'em none of the Bunkers are here, we're all decreased, we went last night in a suicide pact.
Hello.
Oh, hello, Barney.
No, he ain't here.
Well, he's out makin' a delivery.
Oh, I'm sorry, Barney, he can't go bowlin' with ya tonight 'cause he has to drive Mr.
Munson's cab.
I don't think he'd go anywhere-- he's so mad.
No, I can't tell you why he's mad, Barney.
But never mind, you'll find out.
wouldn't buy me a bow-wow Excuse me, Barney, there's somebody singi'' at the back door.
Yeah, good-bye.
- [ARCHIE SINGING.]
- Archie! That was Barney that called.
You mean already he got my doggy bag? Oh, no, but he invited you to go bowling with him.
- Oh, good, so he's going out tonight.
- Yeah.
Yeah, good.
He'll hit that monument in about three strides.
Archie, that ain't nice! Nice is for high society, Edith.
We're only the workin' class.
Archie, two grown-up men that's best friends shouldn't be fightin' over a little sweet dog like Rusty! Here, finish this dance with Fred Astaire.
I gotta eat.
I'm late now, that cab ought be movin'.
I'm losin' money.
And look at this.
The chicken soup here, it's ice cold.
Oh, it couldn't be that cold.
Then why are the noodles clinging to each other for warmth? I'll heat it up.
- [DOOR BUZZER.]
- A-ha-ha-ha.
There's Barney now.
I know the furious of his bell.
Archie, please, whatever you do, don't fight! Just stay out of this.
Well, hello, Barney.
Hey, come right in.
Make yourself at home.
Don't be such a stranger.
Well, what brings that smile to your pleasant moosh? What can I do for ya, buddy? You done plenty already, Bunker.
You put that poop on my stoop! The poop belongs on your stoop, and if you don't like it, I got a suggestion for ya: Have a serious talk with your mutt about his personal habits.
You know what you are, of which there is nothing lower? - An animal hater.
- I don't hate no animals.
I'll tell ya one animal I don't like very much, and that's a horse's read end.
I ain't talkin' about nobody in particular, I just look at the offending party and whistle.
[WHISTLES.]
That ain't funny.
Do you know that you're breaking laws? You're breaking about 18 laws, maybe even a dozen.
What laws? Well, like you're aiding and abetting an animal to savagely attack people without the benefit of a leash, you're aiding and abetting an animal to commit illegal toity up and down the block here you're aiding and abetting an animal to smuggle in fleas from lousy neighborhoods.
You're a criminal, Barney.
You're a kook, Arch.
Irregardless of that, I could slap a citizen's arrest on you.
Ha ha! A citizen's arrest.
You wouldn't even know how.
Don't you fool yourself, buddy, I know how.
I know all about it.
Hey, Edith in there, come on out here! - I need a witness! - Coming! I seen a cabbie friend of mine slap a citizen's arrest one time.
- Yeah? - Yeah, he arrested one of them Krishna Hari guys who tried to pay his fare with a song and a kiss.
- Get outta here.
- Oh, yes, he smashed his tangerine and hauled him in.
Here's the soup.
- How do you do, Barney? - Hi, Edith.
Would you like some soup? He ain't got no time for soup, he's being arrested over here.
You've flipped your wig.
You ain't gonna make any citizen's arrest.
No? You just watch me.
Now, Edith, you pay attention to this.
Turn around and put your hands up against the wall.
I think he means me, Edith.
Trying to make a dope out of me, darling? Oh, no.
Congratulations, Arch.
You just made your first citizen's arrest.
Now I'm gonna make my first citizen's escape.
I'm goin' bowlin'.
And if you don't want my dog to bite ya, keep your foot in your own mouth-- where it usually is.
Ha ha ha ha.
Still trying to be a comedian, huh, Barney? I got news for ya-- you ain't funny! - MIKE: I thought he was funny.
- Get away from me, you! Hey, Ma, I smelled your chicken soup all the way across the alley.
- Well, you want a little? - I'd rather have a lot.
- Sure! - Look at this guy-- he can smell out anything.
If I had a nose like yours I'd rent it to the FBI.
He's in a bad mood today, Mike.
He and Barney Hefner's dog ain't seein' nose-to-nose.
You ain't kiddin'.
The dog is a killer.
It's a sweet, gentle dog.
Joey plays with him all the time.
You better be careful-- little Joey'll start acting like a dog.
What?! Yeah, the other Tuesday I was doin' coochi-coo with him and he bit me.
You know, you might be right, Arch.
Yesterday I was scratching Joey on the stomach and he started doin' this.
You know, I have never, ever heard you say one nice thing about an animal.
You want me to say something nice about an animal, I will now.
I'll say something nice about a goldfish.
A goldfish? Yes, a goldfish.
A goldfish is a beautiful animal.
And the only worthwhile pet to have around the house.
And you know why? A goldfish never has to be walked around the block, a goldfish never keep you up half the night barking, a goldfish never gets his hairs all over the sofas, and the the best thing about a goldfish is that long before you get tired of him, he dies.
Ain't you gonna eat that soup with a spoon? Archie, it's time to go to work.
Yeah, go ahead, eat it up.
The soup is all you're gonna get, as the frigid wife said to the Italian.
Archie, please drive careful and be nice to your customers.
Union rule says I only have to drive them.
Beyond that, to hell with 'em.
Now, wait a minute.
I wanna make sure I ain't gonna be ambushed by Fangs again.
Rusty.
( mimicking ): "Rusty.
" Now, wait a minute.
Shhh - I don't see him nowhere.
- All right.
If you run quick, you can get into your cab.
Keep your voice down.
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
- [CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
- ARCHIE: I'm in.
[DOG BARKING.]
I fooled you that time, alligator-face.
Good-bye, Archie! Get away from there, Rusty.
[DOG GROWLING AND BARKING.]
[CAR ACCELERATES, DOG SQUEALS.]
Oh! Rusty! [DOG SQUEALING.]
Ohh, my! Ma, what happened? Archie's cab backed up into Barney Hefner's dog! Can I have your chicken soup? How can you talk about chicken soup at a time like this? Not for me, for the dog! Oh, yeah, hurry up.
Rusty's gonna be fine.
The doctor's setting his leg right now.
It won't take long.
Why don't you sit down and wait? Thank you very much.
- Come on.
- Sit down and wait.
Sheesh.
This thing is costing me a night's work.
The night is the big-money shift, ya know, Edith, all the big spenders there, the big tippers.
You got all them rich business guys with their secretaries in the back seat, tip you big not to look at them.
Some of them tip you big to look at them.
Heh heh.
You got your out-of-towners, your hicks, your foreigners-- they tip us cabbies big 'cause they're scared of us.
Heh heh heh heh.
Archie, think of the poor dog.
Rusty was in such pain.
Oh, lay off, will ya? Don't rub it in.
We're doing the best we can to get him repaired before Barney comes home from bowling.
And then you're gonna tell Barney everything that happened, right? Edith, I can't.
Barney is never gonna believe it was an accident there.
Well, I'll tell him that it was.
He ain't gonna believe you neither.
The only person in the world he's gonna believe is the dog.
How you gonna get the truth out of a dog that hates me? Well, you never can tell.
Animals is very smart.
I read once that they can make porpoises talk.
Oh, Edith.
I mean, there's a big difference between Barney's dumb mutt and a porpoise, a highly intelligent bird.
Look at this! - What? Memorial Pet Cemetery.
I don't wanna listen.
"Remember us She makes me listen anyway.
"when the Big Trainer in the sky whistles for your best friend.
" Big Trainer in the sky? Ohh.
Ohohoh! Ain't that a lovely way to put it, Archie? Why do so many things that strike you lovely give me the creeps? [WOMAN WHIMPERING.]
[WHIMPERING CONTINUES.]
Uh, hey, lady, uh I couldn't help notice that you got a bird there, huh? That's Andre.
Oh.
that there is Andre.
Yeah.
Hello, Andre.
Might I ask you, uh why ain't Andre flyin'? He isn't well today.
Oh, Edith.
Andre ain't well today.
That's a shame.
Yeah.
Must have got struck up with the jaundice, he looks very yellow.
He's a canary.
Oh, that's a canary.
Oh.
I think he give his last concert there.
Don't say that! Well as another bird lover I gotta tell ya, you gotta be ready for them things, like when the little fella turns over on his back and puts his two claws up like that [WHIMPERING.]
That's if he's lucky enough to die of a disease.
I mean, sometimes they get the life scared out of them, like by a snake or a cat, and then trying to escape, then their wings go out like that with shock! Aaaah! But I tell ya, either way, don't blow no dough on one of them pet cemeteries.
You just get yourself a little Diamond matchbox.
You put him in there, and then when it's dark you bury him in a neighbor's yard.
Here we go, Rusty.
Oh, there's Rusty! Oh Is he okay? Oh, yes, he's just fine.
You've got a very brave little fella here.
Well, what's the damage, Doc? Just a slight fracture of the tibia.
I meant the damage to the wallet.
Oh, uh, give Mr.
Bunker his bill, please.
Now, you give this dog lots of love.
- Oh, we will.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, well, we love him very much there.
- Why don't you pet him, sir? - Oh, me? Oh, yeah, sure.
[GROWLS.]
- See, he hates this watch style.
- I see.
Well, good luck.
Next, please.
Say, Mrs.
Canary, you oughta get yourself a goldfish.
[CRYING.]
Here's your bill, Mr.
Bunker.
Thank you, thank you.
Check will be in the mail tomorrow there, yeah.
Well, that ain't too bad.
Nineteen dollars and seventy-seven cents.
Oh, no, Archie, that's the year.
Oh, gee-- what the hell is the tariff? It's under your thumb.
- There.
$53.
00 - $53.
00?! For one dog's leg?! For that money I know where you can buy eleven dogs! Oh, geez, Edith.
Well, come on, let's go home, Archie.
- Barney's gonna be so happy to see Rusty! - Are you kiddin'? He's gonna be wild when he sees the splinter on that dog's leg there! Oh, yeah.
How you gonna explain that to him, Edith? Oh, no, Archie! - EDITH: No, I can't do that.
- ARCHIE: Don't argue with me.
- Edith, don't argue with me! - No! Edith, will you be a wife, do me a favor? All I'm askin' ya to do is set him down here and let him run home.
On this bad leg? No, on his three good ones.
Archie, that's the coward's way.
And I know the coward's way ain't your way.
Sometimes it is, Edith.
- [DOOR BUZZER.]
- Oh, that's Barney! - There's your dad! - Listen, listen, get the dog out of sight.
- Don't hold him out here.
- But Barney has to know! Let me warm him up to it in my own way, will ya? Let me think of something slick.
- [BUZZER.]
- Coming, there! Coming there.
[GROANS.]
- That's you out there, huh, Barney? - BARNEY: Yeah, it's me.
Ah, hell.
[WHIMPERS.]
- Okay.
Yeah, come on in.
- Hi, Arch.
What took you so long? I didn't know what you was one of them moochers coming along collecting for a new disease.
As if we ain't got enough trouble with the old diseases.
Well, I just come over to say that I'd like to forget everything that happened today.
Oh, geez, Barney, so would I.
I mean, I would, yeah.
After all, Arch, we are neighbors.
Hey, more than that! We're Lodge brothers.
BOTH: And when the kings of Queens give the grip our secrets never slip the lip! - Hey, hey! Hey, hey! - Hey, hey! Hey, hey! - Sit down, Barney.
- I'll sit down here.
No, no, not there, in my chair.
Oh ho, that's an honor.
No, listen, I'm glad to be able to tell ya that I should have been a helluva lot more understanding.
I mean, I coulda took the dog's-eye view, you know? When a pooch has gotta toity, you can't expect him to slip into a public john and put a dime in the slot and sit down there, you know? And, you know, Rusty's such a cute dog.
To know Rusty is to love him, Arch.
I mean, when he sits up and begs like this, when he fetches, and when he plays dead I seen him do that today, yeah.
No kiddin'? Barney, but what I gotta tell ya is that you hadn't oughta let him run loose, because it's very dangerous in the streets.
- Out in traffic, you mean.
- Yeah, suppose he come back out of his driveway - and run into a cab.
- Huh? What I mean to say is, wouldn't it be terrible if little Rusty got killed by a car? Oh, don't say that.
I couldn't live without Rusty.
Well, I know, you know, I mean, it'd be a lot better if he busted his leg, wouldn't it? Well, it'd be a lot better than gettin' killed.
Sure, sure, because, you know, they shoot a horse for that, but, you know, a dog, one of them busted tribias, you could get a vet to fix that up for $52, huh? I guess you could.
What I mean is, that would be good.
- Yeah.
- And you could be happy with that.
Yeah Yeah.
- You run over my dog, didn't ya?! - Who told ya, Barney? - You busted his leg! - You said you'd be happy with that! I'd be happy busti'' both your legs! - Don't get excited! - Where is my dog?! Here he is! Here's Rusty.
Hello, sweetheart, baby.
Are you all right? - How did this happen?! - An accident happened, that's all.
But Archie rushed him to the dog hospital as fast as he could! I drove like hell.
I nearly clipped another dog on the way! But I want to tell you something, and boy, you get excited with me, you know, this is all your fault.
- Mine? - Yes, Barney, yours, for turning the dog loose.
You endangered his life there, you as good as threw him under the wheels of my cab.
Now, you think about that, Barney.
Yeah, you're right, Arch.
But look, if I lock up the house and keep him tied up in the yard - he's gonna cry all day.
- Yeah, he's lonesome.
Sure, he's lonesome.
You gotta stay with him.
- I gotta work! - He needs company.
Yeah, get him something to keep him company, something quiet, like a turtle.
Archie, a turtle wouldn't be no fun for Rusty.
He needs another dog.
- Oh, no, no.
- Good idea, Edith, another dog.
Barney, listen, if you gotta do that, make sure it's a boy dog.
A boy dog'd fight with him, Arch.
Well, I think you know what a girl dog's gonna do with him.
- Yeah, have babies! - Yeah, you don't want that.
Right, Edith! Good idea! And since it is your idea, when Rusty has puppies, I'm gonna give you the pick of the litter! - Oh, no! No! - I am! You deserve it! [ALL TALKING.]
- I'll find a wife at the pound.
- Barney! Barney! Come on, baby.
I was readin' an article about the animal populations there, there's millions of pets explodin', Barney! Oh, Archie! A puppy, a puppy! [GIGGLING.]
Now I'm gonna have to run out and buy a big muzzle.
For the little puppy? No, Edith, for you.
All In The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.