The Venture Bros (2003) s08e00 Episode Script

1
[Boat horn blaring]
##
I'm in. We're on site.
Affirmative, Pony Boy.
We've got a lock
on the target's cellphone
- 20 meters northwest of you.
- I don't like it.
He's been a ghost
for three days,
and suddenly we get a ping?
HUNTER: Maybe he couldn't
find his charger.
Alright, team. Eyes open!
This could be a trap.
[Monitor beeping,
keyboard clacking]
Ugh. Why do they always have to
be "pre-dawn," these raids?
I mean, what's wrong
with a nice pre-noon raid?
Like a brunch raid?
[Watch beeping]
##
##
[Trash can squeaks]
##
[Gasps] Oh, no.
##
Hank?
Buddy?
Agh!
The hell you people doin'?!
- Tryin' ta sleep!
- Negative. It's not him.
It ain't Hank.
- It's not him. It's not him.
- Told you this was a waste of time.
Ugh! What would Hank be doing
in Queens anyway?
- Nobody goes to Queens.
- I-I live in Queens.
- My point exactly.
- Cut the chatter, you two!
- Yeah, dad, shh!
- Shush me.
Give.
That's mine!
[Snorts, speaking indistinctly]
Where'd you get this?
B-Batman gave it to me!
Give it!
Where is he?
Where is Hank Ven
[Explosion in distance]
Samson! Something big just went
kablooey five blocks south.
Heat signature's off the charts.
Pull your team and check it out!
Alright, you heard the man!
Let's pull out, people!
Move, move!
Where are they going?
- W-What about Hank?
- Ugh
Can't believe I got up
early for this.
[theme music]
##
##
DOC:
No! Absolutely not!
You people broke into my home,
kidnapped me,
dragged me to your
Honeycomb Hideout.
And now you want, what?
My blood?
It's just a little cheek swab.
Two seconds and I'll be outta your
- b-business.
- Well, you're not getting a swab,
so I guess our business
is done here.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I've a very important product
launch to prepare for,
and my morning's
- already been shot to hell.
- Don't you understand?
We need to determine
conclusively whether you
and The Monarch are related.
What? Are you making
your Christmas card list?
Why should I care
if your husband
is some fifth cousin
thrice removed?
[sighs] This is a Guild matter,
I'm not here as The Monarch's wife.
Oh, that much is obvious.
I don't see a wedding ring.
I'm wearing gloves.
I think I know what this
is really about.
You and I have had a certain
unspoken sexual tension
- between us for years, meow.
- Ugh. No.
And this is where
you play your part,
by denying it,
because you must.
You're a married woman.
So you come here,
wishing on a swab
to find some tiny speck of magic
Rusty dust deep inside
that husband of yours.
Oh, I can see by the look on
your face I've struck a nerve.
[Window thuds]
What was that?
They're calling it off!
They're calling off
the search for Hank!
"O.S.I."
Office of Stupid
- Idiots!
- Daddy's working, Dean.
Daddy's receptionist
should've told you that.
Well, I can see
you're very busy, Dr. Venture,
and I'm not getting
anywhere with you,
so I won't take up
any more of your time.
They said they "don't have the
resources" to keep looking for him
'cuz some frog guy
blew up or something.
Plus he isn't really "missing"
because he left
on his own recong
reco recka
Recognizance.
Well, they have a point
Wh?
Didn't I have a coffee?
I have to find him!
We have to find him!
He could be laying dead
in a ditch somewhere!
Not a lot of ditches
in New York, son.
- Dead in a gutter, maybe.
- Pop!
Why aren't you more worried
about Hank?!
Because he's Hank.
He does this.
He runs off and does crazy things
and then he comes
back home again.
Remember when he tried to run
away to the North Pole
because Santa
didn't get him a go-kart?
He was gone for three
whole days,
until Brock finally
found him in a
Wait, he actually was dead
in a ditch that time.
Anyway, right now,
the best thing you can do
for Hank is to go
- back to school and live your life.
- [scoffs] How will that help?
Because that school
is costing me a fortune.
Pop, unbelievable!
Doc, we've got a huge problem
with the new product!
Do I even have a receptionist?
Ugh.
##
Hmm?
[Indistinct conversations]
##
[Brakes squeak]
Heh.
- H-Heyyyy, honey.
- Get in the car.
You, too, Gary.
[Car door closes]
What are you trying to prove?
Exactly what I'd ask you!
What are you trying to prove?
The answer better be that
Dr. Venture isn't related to me!
I just collected better DNA
and we'll run proper tests,
then the Guild
will redefine your status.
Oh, I have been jerked around
for years by your Guild.
They made me a Level Ten!
Now I'm supposed
to sit around and wait again!
There are very specific rules.
No arching Venture till
we define his relation to you.
- I'm sorry.
- [Sighs] You really don't get this.
Get what?
I am a super villain
that hates Dr. Venture.
That is the way it is, has been,
and will always be.
That's what I do!
Ever since you became
a Councilwoman for the Guild,
I've been unable to be
to be me!
I know. I swear I do.
But you have to just hang
on a little longer.
[Cellphone rings]
- [Sighs] Hold on.
- You said that years ago.
Yes?
Of course I'm sitting down.
Who stands up in a limo?
No! Are you ser
When?
Call an Emergency session
of the Council of Thirteen!
I'll be right there!
Driver! Pull over.
[Brakes squeal]
- What is this? What's happening?
- I'm sorry, sweetie.
I have work in the city,
so you're gonna need
- to take the PATH Train.
- Unreal. Just unreal.
Uh, thank you for the ride,
Mrs. Monarch.
[Helper playing dance music]
Oh, God.
Has it become sentient?
- No, no, that's not
- Phew.
And my father's brain
isn't trapped inside of it?
- What? No.
- Well then, what's the big problem?
White, a demonstration?
[Clears throat]
Hey Helper: Turn it up.
[Music volume rises]
Well, it sounds great.
Glad I insisted on upgrading
the superconductors
in those speakers.
- Wait.
- Uh-huh. Alright.
Nothing a few
stick'ems can't solve.
Whoa!
When did we add that?!
We didn't, Rust!
That's the problem!
We need to stop the launch,
open this thing up,
re-tool it,
and fix whatever the bug is
Oh, for the love of Benji, this
is what you're panicking about?
This is a feature, not a bug.
Levitating personal assistant!
Who else is doing this?
[Sighs]
Hey Helper: Stop the music.
[Music stops]
[Clank]
Gaaaahhhh!
Son of a Ngh!
That could've been a baby's head.
Now do you get it?!
Well, we can't stop the launch!
Look around you!
We've got thousands
of these things ready to ship.
The fate of the company
is literally riding
- on this product!
- Yeah, about that, Doc.
Since ye insisted on
all them modifications
- to the original design
- Improvements.
the bleedin' things cost more
to manufacture
than we was gonna sell 'em fer!
VenTech'll actually lose money
on every unit she sell!
- So, basically you Blue Monday-ed it.
- [Groans]
You knows I hates ta say it,
I been with this company
since she first set sail,
but it might be time
to consider filin' fer
Don't even.
I am not bankrupt.
Here's what I am going to do:
You're gonna jack up the price
and change all the advertising.
And you two are gonna
figure out how to
not crush babies or whatever.
We're launching tomorrow,
gentlemen! Get to work!
[Angry beeping]
Oh, stop it!
They're not replacing you.
[Frantic beeping]
No, no, no, it's an homage!
Helper! Hey, c'mon.
- You owe me $2.75.
- Dude villain!
Stop pointing.
So what, who cares?
She's in colors!
Let's go talk to her.
No, just come on,
just leave it.
I've never seen her before,
and she's blazing colors.
- I'm gonna talk to her!
- No, just w
- [Sighs] There he goes.
- Colors!
MONARCH: Oh, hi, you're dressed
like me, will you be my friend?
Well, of course I will because
we have so much in common.
Do you like food?
I love food.
Really, me too.
Do you like sleep and shelter?
This is amazing, it's like
you can read my mind.
Oh, you're kidding me?
How did he get her number?
Oh, a thumbs up.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, h-hi, thank you
for dragging me in
Oh, my God. Debbie?!
[Electricity crackles]
[Conversations stop]
[Squeaking in distance]
##
##
##
[Air hisses]
##
##
Call me!
##
[Energy pulses, whirring]
##
[Car alarms blaring in distance]
Did you see that?!
That was awesome!
Never saw that coming.
Hey, hey, here's crazy:
that was my ex.
Look at that hole.
No debris.
Mapped trajectory heat laser.
That's state of the art shit
right there.
How did she get that?
The Guild doesn't have that.
The Guild has a giant
boxing glove
- on the end of a big rusty spring.
- Well, Mantilla's not Guild!
She's from ARCH.
She gave me her card.
And she knew who you were,
which was weird.
Dude, not weird! For one,
I am the Mighty Monarch.
And for two, that's my ex!
That was your ex?
You dated Mantilla?
Yes!
She wasn't Mantilla then.
You should've asked
her for a ride because
there's no way the train's
coming after all that.
##
[Static]
[Glass shatters]
[People screaming]
##
There were casualties.
Is it me or is every new show
about super heroes?
I can't keep up!
It's like a job trying
to follow this nonsense.
"Inhumans?" Did I have to
watch fake X-Men on the moon
to understand the movies?
Gentlemen, this isn't a TV show.
This just happened.
This is a real, unlicensed arching.
And does anyone recognize
the primary antagonist?
He's not one of ours.
I don't recognize him.
Well, how about now?
You mean to tell me that
extra-cool lizard guy
and H.R. Pufnstuf there are
the same antagonist?
This is Brickfrog.
EMA Level One, powers include
holding a brick
and shouting his name.
Pays his dues, keeps low.
Then last week he suddenly quits
with a note stating
"Later losers," signed Brick Frog
- with like 10 exclamation points.
- Oh, right: "Brickfrog!"
- Brickfrog!
- Yes, yes, Brickfrog!
- Brickfrog!
- Brickfrog!
- He was jovial chap.
- Okay, fine! So what?
Someone had a rich aunt die
and went out on their own.
How does this warrant
an emergency Council Meeting?
This isn't an isolated case!
In the past week we've received
several of these notices.
Yes, Red Mantle?
I need answers to this
age old question.
- How many is several?
- "A few" is not unlike "some."
While "several" is more than
"a couple,"
but less than "many."
Wait. How many is "many?"
[Bangs table]
This is a threat
against our very foundation.
This body has guided organized
villainy for a century,
and we must
protect our collective
from this clear commination!
Oh, great.
What does commination mean?
Oh, my God!
Commination means threat,
several means about four,
and I agree with Red Death.
Then you shall head up
the subcommittee
to investigate
this alleged commination.
Oh, come now. You just
learned that word when we did.
[Air hisses]
##
Hello?
[Door closes]
Hello?!
[Indistinct shouting]
Dr. Orpheus?
Anybody?
[Roaring]
[Screams] Oh, my God!
Oh, greetings, Dean Venture!
Mind not the Golem. He, uh
he came with the place.
He's made outta pants!
Schmatte Golem!
Wouldja believe?
Found him in the attic.
Then Al was all "Hey, I know
a little Hebrew."
Hey, I am a little Hebrew!
Whoa! Easy, boy!
[Roaring]
- Easyyyyy!
- Next thing you know: walkin' pants monster.
[Grunts]
[Roaring]
No, that's not gonna work!
Come, young Dean,
and pardon the mess.
- We are still moving in.
- What's a shem?!
Wow, looks like you've already
finished.
Merely an illusion of the
well-appointed study yet to be.
The chair is real, however.
So, you have come to seek my aid
in locating your brother.
Y-Yes!
How did you know that?
Oh, you know, "Magic Guy."
Oh, thank God.
I just knew you could help me.
H-here.
This belonged to Hank.
That is how this works, right?
You are confusing me
with a bloodhound.
And quite unnecessarily so,
for I already know where Hank is.
- You do?
- Of course. He's right here.
Oh, come on!
What're you, E.T.?
Mistake not my words for
mawkish Spielbergian sentiment!
You carry
Hank within your heart,
yet it is far heavier than
his 160 pounds.
- What are you hiding?
- W N-Nothing.
Ah-hah!
This is news I can use.
But no!
Hey, hey, that's personal.
Precisely! Your remorse is
a direct conduit to your brother.
I shall ride this info-emotional
superhighway to his whereabouts!
##
Oh, oh, dear.
Oh. The horror!
[Whimpers]
[Screams]
- I have seen him!
- Hank? You saw him?! Where?
The images were distorted.
Fleeting.
Past, present and yet-to-be,
all swirling together!
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, but where?
He is oscillating between worlds.
Betwixt selves.
I fear his very soul
may be in peril!
We must go to him at once!
Jeffersonnnn!
Ah, we found the off button!
Super. Jefferson?
- May we borrow your vehicle?
- Nah-ah.
Nobody drives the Blood Vessel
but me!
- I see.
- Dr. Orpheus. Dr. Orpheus.
- Are you busy this evening?
- Dr. Orpheus!
Where is Hank?!
HANK: Where am I?
Neither here nor there.
[Train horn blowing]
The real question is:
who am I?
A week ago, I was
just a happy-go-Hanky kid
living the high life, with
a girlfriend and everything.
Then a blizzard of betrayal
blew through my world
and knocked me flat
on my heiney.
Metaphorically.
[Gasps]
I woke up with a sore head
and a busted heart.
I just had
to get out of there,
but I had no life
to go back to.
The old Hank was dead.
Something else
was driving me now.
[As The Bat] I knew
they 'd come looking for me.
And how could I find myself
if someone else found me first?
I had to shed my skin,
slough off all the old Hank.
And old Hank's stuff.
T-Take it all,
I don't care anymore.
I'm going off the grid!
[Horn blares in distance]
Yeah, I'm takin' a break
from social media myself.
Godspeed, Batman.
I hopped the first tramp
steamer headed out of town.
I didn't know where it
would take me Zanzibar?
The South China seas?
Disko Island?
[Normal voice] That's a real
place. Did you know that?
Welcome aboard, everyone!
I'm Carter, and for
the next three hours,
it's my absolute pleasure
to show you
all the sights
of New York City by water.
[sighs] My life just seemed to keep
going around in circles.
But it did give me time to think:
Why does this
keep happening to me?
Why do I lose all the women
in my life?
Why
[As The Bat]
No! Don't think about her!
Stick to the mission!
[Normal voice]
The train, then!
Yeah, those go in a straight line.
I'll ride the rails, hobo-style!
Roughing it!
This was the way
to truly find myself.
Stripped of everything.
Surviving on my wits alone.
See what I'm really made of.
Run away, turn away,
run away, turn away ♪
Run away ♪
And then I remembered:
I'm, like, totally rich.
I mean, Bruce Wayne is rich.
The Shadow is rich.
James Bond is wait? Is he rich?
I dunno, he gets to have
nice things anyway.
Whenever you're ready, sir.
Ah, I'll take care of that
right now, my good man.
Anyway, Pop always says
"if you lost something,
look in the last place
you had it."
Well, I lost myself,
so I'm headed to the last place
I had me.
Before New York,
before the penthouse, before
[Moans]
Ngh!
W-Whyyyy?!
[Italian accent] You should
look up alla you old-a flames
while you're in-a town.
Ask a them why they leave Hank.
Like-a John Cusack in-sa
the "High Fidelity," eh?
[Russian accent] Or like Zoe
Kravitzes, in ze "High Fidelities."
You're asking the wrong
questions, boychik.
There's really only one dame
who left ya.
- The dame.
- [Sniffles] W-Who do you mean?
Don't confuse him!
Stick to the mission!
Okay, okay!
Can I have my pen back?
[Knock on door]
Next stop:
Denver, Colorado!
##
21: Arch. It's simple.
Almost elegant.
MONARCH: Her name's not even
on this thing.
Just the single worst logo
I've ever seen.
That's a QR code.
You scan it with your phone.
- Should we do it?
- Should we do it?
What allegiance do we have
to the Guild?
They made us a Level 10,
then they handed me
some horse shit about
Venture being related to me.
Yeah, nah,
I'm tired of their crap.
Yeah, but,
dude, that was your ex!
- Your wife is gonna flip out.
- Relax. It's nothing.
I dated her right before
I met my wife.
She dumped me!
Yeah, she dumped me because
she was screwing that ass-hat
Venture while we were together.
Oh, my God!
That's like origin myth stuff!
The truth
has been revealed.
Dude, that's like reason 100
I hate Venture.
That's not the reason
I hate Venture.
You're making way too big
a deal out of this.
Well, then if it's not a big deal
we should see what
ARCH is all about.
Not a big deal. Little deal.
Just scan it or whatever.
[Camera shutter clicks]
Oh. Crap.
It's loading tons of data.
It's downloading my data!
Oh, if they get into my porn!
My spank bank is super specific.
- It's very hard to explain.
- Shh. Shhh.
Do you hear a car or something?
[Revving in distance]
[Gasps] Minions!
Battle stations!
Ready the!
Pfff.
- Ready the- ready
- We have nothing to ready.
We don't really have
battle stations anymore.
[Engine whirring]
##
Gentlemen,
nice to see you again so soon.
What can ARCH do for you?
SHORELEAVE: Alright, everybody.
Bag 'em up, and tag 'em up, people.
Antagonists go in that pile,
scientists get the body-bags.
We ran out of body-bags
so we're using tarps.
Eh, if Fort Brocks says
tarps then it's tarps.
Let's get 'em out of here.
And you should be wearing gloves.
This is a crime scene,
formal attire only!
MAN: Sir! Unbidden counter
agents on premises!
Oo, Guten tag, Frau Schmetterling.
I figured you'd show up
to our little barbecue.
- It's not one of ours.
- Yeah, when we didn't see any anvils
or guys with pianos
on their heads we figured
this was a little too upscale
for the Guild.
- You, uh, know anything?
- The antagonist is Brickfrog.
He was a Guild Willy Loman
punching the clock
till a couple days ago.
I don't know how
he pulled this off.
Who's the protagonist?
Professor Vigo Dale.
He was working on
a building material
that's supposed
to be indestructible.
Clearly he didn't use it
to build his lab.
Because hole.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
You can't do that!
Evidence.
We need to analyze this.
I'll save you some time.
They're dead people. Analyzed.
Now put 'em down
before I put you down.
Where's your money on that?
Oh, Brock, all the way.
I'll go 20 bucks on it.
Eh, can't call it. So, you
wanna share intel on this?
Uh, yeah, sure but we gotta
keep it soft.
- Off the wire. Too much
- Red tape. Yeah, same here.
Okay, why don't you take him
back to his haunted castle
and let us get back to work?
- Eh, could you take him?
- What, Red Death? He's like 73.
Are you joking?
He scares the crap out of me.
Alright, fine, yeah he's a little
just a little bit scary.
Pretty sure I could take him.
- Red, what was all that about?
- Ah, simply a distraction.
I found this phone
on one of the henchmen.
That poor guy's hand
was blown off.
No, of course not.
I ripped it off his corpse
just in case he had
a fingerprint lock on his phone.
[Elevator dings]
[Indistinct conversations]
Hibiscus tea with lemon
and acai berry?
Oh, uh, thank you.
- Ah, Hench
- You call them Acolytes.
Thousands of them
are at your disposal.
Just bring up the ARCH app on
your phone and enter an amount.
Voilá, instant army.
[Chuckles] Watch this:
Acolyte, Kill!
[Screams]
Oh, my God!
What the [bleep]!
Acolyte, stop!
Go ahead and give her a kick.
Just go ahead and kick her
right in the throat meat.
- Hard as you want.
- What? No.
I-I don't want to kick anyone
in the throat meat.
Your loss.
Can I get a refresh!
[Monitor beeps,
cheers and applause]
100,000 vanquished!
Great job, team.
Now let's get back work.
Our clients need us.
There are one 100,000
rivalries in this city?
[Chuckles] City?
ARCH is global.
Seven continents, seven seas,
and five oceans.
ARCH is the largest
and most effective
antagonist solution resource known.
By who?
I've never even heard of ARCH.
Because we're perfect.
Quiet, efficient, deadly.
We work behind the scenes
for you.
You get all the glory,
and we do all the dirty work.
Let me show you around.
So, what do you need?
This isn't the Guild
of Calamitous Intent,
this is ARCH.
We're here to help you.
You need a grapple gun?
Voila, grapple gun brought to you
by focused beam teleportation
exacted by thought accessed
inventory request.
In short, if you can think
of it, we can get it for you.
- It's an ARCH exclusive.
- Totally want that grapple gun.
So, what do you need?
Or did life already
give you everything.
Never made a misstep
or a bad choice.
Perfect life.
Or do you want more?
You deserve everything
and I want to give it to you.
This is your moment
to finally have it all.
What do you need?
Malcolm.
- Debra.
- Name it, Malcolm.
What do you need?
Well, for starters,
new costumes,
and two of those sliding poles!
Like, for firemen,
you know, in batmen.
All yours.
Just pull out your porn-stuffed
phone and hit accept.
It'll load everything you need.
We've done all the intel,
we've done all the research.
We know what you want
- even if you don't.
- Give me your phone. [Sighs]
Don't go into the gallery.
I'm not gonna
look at your porn.
Oh, you have no idea how much
you don't wanna see his porn.
Just scroll down to the bottom
and hit accept.
[Cellphone clacking]
[Cellphone chimes]
Done.
##
JEFFERSON: Alright, Chicago!
Makin' good time.
We get an early start tomorrow,
we'll there by mid-day.
W-wait, we're gonna stop?
We can't stop!
What about Hank?
Shoulda thought of that
before you poached the pooty.
"Poached the p-poo?"
Stealing your own brother's
girlfriend, man.
- That's lowdown.
- You told?!
Don't you have a vow of secrecy
or something?
- I am not your Catholic priest.
- Know what kinda people do that?
Take other folks' lives
for their own?
Vampire people.
Oh, don't be so hard on the boy,
Jefferson.
- He's tormented enough.
- Alright, sorry. Ugh, I'm just beat.
I got a place
we can crash nearby.
This does not look like a motel.
You want to work pro-bono,
we can't afford one.
This was my old base
of operations back in the day.
Uh, I like your
new place better.
- MAN: Jefferson Twilight!
- [Gasps] Ah!
What're you doing here?
[Grunts]
[Evil laughs]
Clayton!
Just passing though
on our way to Colorado.
Got any room
for some overnight guests?
We've still got your room.
C'mon the heck up, fellas.
[Laughs]
So, you two must be the rest of
the famous Order of the Triad.
Only myself.
Our tertiary member is back
at our New York headquarters.
Oooo. The boy here is our
client.
Ah!
[Electricity crackles]
Heya, Seth. S'up?
Oh, hey, Jefferson!
Long time.
Aw, shit.
Guys!
We have roaches!
So are you guys, like,
Mr. Jefferson's old team?
- [Laughs]
- Nah, no, no, we were never a team.
Oh, we're not a team.
It's more of a shared
live work space deal.
We're all obsessive loners
who need the space and privacy
of an abandoned factory.
But like to keep expenses down.
And here you are.
Just like you left it.
Ah, thanks, again, man.
Hey, you wanna grab a nightcap
before we turn in?
Nah, you know me.
Night's my busy time.
[Laughs]
[Grunts]
Think you packed enough stuff?
One must be prepared
for anything.
And my cloak gets all wrinkly
if I wear it in the car.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll take the couch.
You two can share the bed.
We're leavin' at first light.
[Beads rattle]
Hey.
You blocked my battle van in.
Gracias, señor!
Okay, Hank.
Ready for this?
Huh, well that's new.
Hmmm. Didn't plan for this
contingency.
If only I'd packed
my grapple gun.
Damn it!
We should turn back.
He-eh I got this one.
[Fence creaking]
##
What the ?
W-What happened to it all?
A-all those memories,
my whole life!
And it's just one big
nothing-hole?!
All the answers are right
in front of you.
You just gotta look.
##
Scamp!
Here, boy!
Here, Scamp!
BROCK: Alright, you really gotta
pound that hip in there.
Break his balance. You can't
just pull the guy over.
You have to roll him
over your hip.
Mecha-Shiva!
Mecha-Shiva!
You are an Immortal.
Like, the Highlander?
Yes, like the Highlander.
We are clones, Hank.
Dean, that is awesome!
MONARCH: [Laughs]
Dance! Dance, little man!
- I think we're being shut down!
- Jacketttt!
Employee Dean, isn't that
your make-believe girlfriend?
Oh, crap! Where?
Ma Venture didn't raise no fools.
W-We don't have a mom,
Hank.
We don't have a mom, Hank.
[Thunder crashes]
ALL: We don't have a mom.
[Echoing] Mom.
Mom. Mom.
[Whimpers]
HANK: Are you talking
about my mom?
ACTION MAN: Yeah. Damn it, Hank,
you're missing my point!
- What was my mom's name?!
- It's Bobbi St. Simone!
H-huh, B-Bobbi?
- Bobbi St. Simone!
- That's a dumb name!
She was an actress!
She was an actress
Halt! In the name of the Office
of Secret Intelligence!
Bobbi St. Simone.
She was an actress.
Hank?!
Dude, what're you, high?
- D-Dermott?
- Dude, what're you doing here?
- I totally coulda shot you.
- W-With a super-soaker?
It's not a I haven't got
my lethal firearms rating yet!
Friggin' red tape and shit.
But it is filled with pee
and I am authorized to
Dermott!
Listen: I need your help!
[Bleep] yeah, we're gettin'
the band back together!
DOC: Ahem.
Testing, one, two.
One, two, three.
Ladies and gentlemen,
members of the press,
VenTech is proud to present
its revolutionary
new product the Helper Pod!
The cutting edge of
Are we in still love
with that name?
"Helper Pod?"
[Furious beeping]
The name stays.
Ain't changin'
all these slides again.
Maybe we shorten it to,
uhh, Help Pod?"
That's catchier, right?
Nah, nah, sounds like
"Hell Pod."
Wasn't asking you, Hatred.
Aren't you done
down there yet?
It'd go a heckuva lot faster
if I had get a li'l help here
fellas.
Where do you two think
you're going?
My mom made
chicken piccata!
And if you want this thing
ready by tomorrow
morning, which is
impossible, by the way,
we're gonna need to fuel
up for an all-nighter.
Well, hide that thing
under your coat.
There might
be paparazzi outside!
And make your mother sign
an NDA!
[Insects chirping]
##
##
[Handle cranks]
[Upbeat music plays]
##
- Ahh
- What? What's the problem?
Dude, our suits have giant
outie belly buttons!
Ew! They're worse than the
nipple suit in "Batman Forever!"
Ah, and they catch the light
when you gyrate!
Ugh, it's a horror show!
[Gasps]
- Ah! Yes!
- Yes!
Whoo!
##
[Laughs]
Zing!
Swimming.
Garçon!
What's on tonight's menu?
For the main course,
our chef recommends stealing
Dr. Venture's latest invention.
Mmmm.
That sounds tasty.
Oh, that comes with one
battle-tank garnished
with a top mounted laser
that shoots your logo.
And it's served with a side
of five armed henchmen.
Mm, how about 10? I've
worked up quite an appetite.
Excellent choice, sir. 10.
- Shall I put your order in?
- Oh, absolutely.
I am famished.
[Cellphone beeps]
[Surf rock music plays]
##
##
You gotta follow that bikini ♪
##
Follow that bikini ♪
##
- Dude, for real?
- Shhh!
##
- That's her!
- Whoa, she's hot!
- I'd do her.
- Dude!
- That's my mom!
- Pfft.
Why, cuz Chewbacca told you
in a dream?
He wasn't Chewbacca,
he was Mark Hand
the Catchman, as
played by The Action Man.
And it wasn't a dream.
It was Coma Town.
Whoa, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I know this chick!
- What? You do?!
- Yeah, yeah.
Hold on here.
Yep.
Yeah, [bleep] knew it!
- Check it out.
- Ah, this proves it!
They totally XO'ed
each other!
Wait, why do you have this?
Hey, Fictel! Fictel!
- Who the heck is that?
- Nuthin', he's just a crazy old hippie
who's always trespassing
on the compound.
You're the trespasser, ya
sticky-fingered little fascist!
Hey, it's Old Man Potter.
He lives in that haunted house
on the edge of the compound.
Hi, Mr. Potter!
Ben. M'name's Ben.
Not Potter.
- How many times I gotta
- Dude, we're busy!
- Whaddya need?
- Uh polyphase Venturilium converter?
Blue, kinda looks like a car battery
with a funnel on one end?
- 'Bout yay big?
- Ah, fine. One sec'.
Think fast, old man.
Who, wah! Damn it!
How much?
Dugh, I dunno, like $200?
$200.
Why, you greedy little
Fine. Put it ah
put it on my tab.
Minus the beer!
Dermott, did you steal all this
stuff from our compound?
Uh, excuse me?
I secured it. For the O.S.I.!
They don't want
your dad's old tech
falling into the wrong hands.
Sure. Can we get back
to my Mommy Quest?
Maybe one of these videos'll
tell me where she is now.
[Mouse clicks]
[Somber music plays]
We all know animals
make wonderful companions.
But far too many of them
are being turned into
sidekicks and hench-beasts
every day,
and they need your help.
Hello, I'm Bobbi St. Simone.
##
[Screams]
[Snoring]
Hmmm
I saw him again!
With the awful Fictel boy.
He's inching closer to his fate!
We must stop him!
We haven't a moment to lose!
[Pants]
[Sniffs]
##
[Hissing]
[Screams]
- Ow.
- Ow.
Gimme a second.
I think I pulled something.
Shouldn'a come back here, Hunter.
Chi-Town belongs
to the Blood Brothers now!
[Laughter]
- Get in the Blood Vessel!
- Yes, sir!
Uh, you, too, O'.
Nay, we shall fight them together!
Magic cloak, I thee invoke!
[Laughs]
Your magic don't work on us,
fool!
- Is that true?
- 'Fraid so.
You might wanna
[Clicks tongue]
Off I go!
[Grunts]
[Blackulas hissing]
##
[Chuckles]
##
No! Lock everything!
Can they turn into smoke?
Can they get in through
the air conditioner?
[Hissing]
Oh, no!
Orpheus, clean that bug off
my windshield!
Clean what
Oh, yes.
[Groans]
Holy water.
[Tink!]
Whoa, now!
[Grunts]
[Hissing]
No, no, no, no.
##
[Sniffing]
##
[Gasps]
No, no, no, no, no, no!
[Grunting]
[Laughter]
The Hunter's mine!
But first we make him watch
while we turn his friends
into that
which he hates the most.
Oh, you can try.
But I don't think they can
pull off that New Jack style.
[Blackulas hissing]
Hey, no fair!
Did that son of a bitch
just bail on us?
##
Unhand my friends,
blood-suckers!
Nah, you don't get to do that.
##
[Roaring]
W-what the hell is that?
Wh-what the [bleep]
is that shit?
An' you all are getting
killed by this?
You're really gonna let
that thing kick your ass.
Move, move, move!
You wanna get bit? Let's go!
- I knew it. I knew. You all are punks!
- Move your narrow ass!
Everybody is getting
You getting [bleep] up, too?
Oh, now you gettin' [bleep] up,
now you gettin' [bleep] up.
Oh, wait a minute.
It's comin' over here.
Ahh!
Now I'm gettin' [bleep] up!
[High-pitched scream]
[All panting]
- That was so close!
- So nice of your old team
to lend us a hand back there.
I told you,
we were never a team!
W-wha
It's the police!
- Oh, my God! It's the police!
- It's not the police!
Of course it's the police!
It's so obviously the police!
Toto! It's Toto!
Everyone knows it's Toto!
Toto?
Toto did "Rosanna!"
- Roxanne is "The Police!"
- Ohhhh, right
Ah, ya see where I got
it all mixed up.
Roxanne, Rosanna.
I mean
[Sighs] Alright
Let's just siege.
Ya know, they're both
really great songs.
- Now I'm way off my game.
- Yeah, you really dug in there.
I don't know why
I dig in like that.
- You really dig in.
- I just dig in.
Alright! Okay!
[Exhales sharply]
Shake it off.
- Laser cannon ready!
- Okay, okay, okay, okay, kay.
No, no, I-I really don't wanna
do the speech.
- Fire?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, fire, whatever.
Dude, come on.
Fine.
For you.
Fire!
##
Uh, we can't fit through that.
Oh, great siege!
This is great!
Don't blame me!
That's a really delicate logo.
Oh, okay it's my fault
we can't fit through our logo?
[Alarm blaring]
There is a breach in sector A-11.
Huh, wha
Oh, come on!
Aghh!
Penthouse Emergency Mode!
Come on, gah!
I gotta take
the ding-dong stairs!
[Elevator dings]
Seriously?
It's the middle of the night,
my husband snuck out,
now I gotta
Wh What?
Why are you all looking
at me weird?
- Welcome to ARCH headquarters.
- Or what's left of it, at least.
We de-encrypted the data
from the phone
we took off that agent.
It led us right here.
I'm sorry Madam.
For what? Come on.
What's going on?
- This is weird.
- I'll say it.
We've got tons of evidence here
that closes this case.
And it all leads to you.
W-What are you
talking about?
You're not serious, right?
Oh, we're dead serious.
That's you.
This is a hard one to get out of.
And this video's just one tube
of lube in an orgy of evidence.
The Guild and the O.S.I.
both have enough on you
- to hang you for treason.
- This is a set up!
You can't possibly think
I did this!
- Be [bleep] reasonable!
- It's all right here.
The evidence speaks for itself.
It's too bad that we can't find you.
You're just too clever.
You slipped away.
But we will hunt you down.
I'm sorry, Sheila, but you're
gonna have to run away.
- What?
- Ruuunnnn!
##
[Screaming]
[Horse whinnies]
##
##
##
##
Dude, our ride
just left with our troops.
Oh, come on now!
You know, we should just take
an L on this crap.
ARCH [bleep] sucks.
We got played.
[Alarm blares]
Nobody
No Nobody move.
[Coughing]
- So many stairs.
- Oh, suck on this, fatty!
Feel the sting of the
Oh shi
[Both screaming]
[Gunshots continue]
##
##
[Cellphone alarm blaring]
Hey, hey!
Hey, time out!
I think it's an Amber alert
or a silver alert.
Is no one else getting this?
[Blaring continues]
##
Right about now
What did
What're ya
What is this now?
Emcee Rob Base
and D.J. E-Z Rock.
Hit it!
##
##
It takes two to make
a thing go right ♪
It takes two
to make it outta sight ♪
It takes two to make
a thing go right ♪
It takes two to make
it outta sight ♪
[Ground rumbling]
I wanna rock right now ♪
I'm Rob Base
and I came to get down ♪
I'm not internationally
known ♪
But I'm known to rock
the microphone ♪
Because I get stupid,
I mean outrageous ♪
Stay away from me
if you're contagious ♪
'Cause I'm the winner,
no, not a loser ♪
To be an M.C.
is what I choose-a ♪
Ladies love me,
girls adore me ♪
I mean even the ones
who never saw me ♪
Like the way
that I rhyme at a show ♪
The reason why, man, I don't know ♪
[Horns honking]
So let's go, 'cause ♪
##
It takes two to make
a thing go right ♪
It takes two to make it
outta sight ♪
##
Uh, three o'clock,
Brock of Seagulls.
- Isn't that your house?
- Holy [bleep]!
Pilot! Follow that
skyscraper!
[Watch phone ringing]
Doc! Are you okay?!
What the hell is going
on over there?!
I'm fine. Hatred pulled
the alarm or something.
You know how paranoid
he can get.
Paranoid?
Do you not What the
Have you looked out
a window?!
No, silly-billy,
I'm in the panic room.
- There aren't any win
- Go look out the [bleep] window!
Fine.
Second night in a row
I'm getting no sleep
because of you people.
Okay, what am I supposed
to be looking at,
a double rainbow or something?
All I see is
Oh.
Oooo
I'm number one, the uno,
I like comp ♪
Bring all the suckers
'cause all them I'll stomp ♪
Hey Helper!
Helper!
Stop the music!
It's not working.
Hit the power button!
- I'm hitting the power button!
- Agh! That racket!
Don't just whack it, you gotta
hold it down for three seconds!
- Party's over, laddies.
- I-It's not a party, we're working.
And that's why we don't bring
our super-science
- work home with us!
- Ma, don't clean.
- White'll do it.
- Oh, just a quick tidy
No, Ma, please.
[Cellphone ringing]
Doc!
I was about to call you.
We absolutely cannot
launch tomorrow!
Oh, we're way past "launch."
HORSE: I apologize for that
kerfuffle back there.
We know you're innocent, so we
gave you the chance to prove it.
And you're a talking horse?
Great.
No, it's me, Red Death,
but I'm a horse, too.
D-Daisy is connected to me
by a neurotransmitter.
We are one.
I understand Wait.
You named a flaming
hell-horse Daisy?
No, my daughter
Lila named me.
I wanted to call me
Lady Disaster.
But in retrospect
it's more of a name for band.
Well, Daisy,
where are we going?
I've got good news
and bad news.
- Which do you want first?
- I need some good news.
A rental agreement found
at the remains of ARCH
led to a woman called Mantilla.
I'm riding you
to her apartment now.
Is it riding?
Or am I flying you there?
- Carrying, maybe?
- Riding's fine.
What's the bad news?
Your husband's joined ARCH,
and he appears
- to be flying a building to the moon.
- What?!
And there is an OSI Interceptor
about to shoot us down.
Hang on!
##
[Snoring]
[Vehicle approaching]
[Tires squeal]
- Dermott Fictel!
- Ah!
We need your help!
No, you need to learn to use
a friggin' door, dude.
- Get outta my room!
- Time is of the essence.
Where is Hank Venture?
- I ain't seen him.
- Liar! Pants aflame!
His psychic residue
permeates the air about you!
I sense it still!
Yeah, I dropped a big deuce
before you got here,
you're probably smellin' that.
Wh?
Foul boy!
Master Venture is
in grave danger!
- Tell us where he is, Dermott!
- Pff.
What is this, the Good Cop,
Unabomber routine?
- Well, I ain't no snitch.
- Where is Hank?!
Whoa!
Alright, fine!
He went to look for your mom.
Bullpucky!
We don't have a mom!
Woah, woah, woah, woah!
W-We Googled her!
She's down the road
in some shitty zoo!
D-Dean?
[Hisses]
[Gasps]
[Whimpers]
It's starting!
I can feel it.
I'm turning.
Th the change!
- Oh, God! Ugh!
- Geeez. What's eatin' him?
What shitty zoo?
##
This is crazy.
Your whole life you've
wondered about her,
and she's been right here
the whole time?
[Normal voice] Mmm, this was
the place in the video.
Yeah, but how do you know
it's her joint?
She was an actress.
'Coulda been jobbing on
a commercial gig.
She's here.
I can just feel it.
Huh.
Looks like it's closed.
That's-a never stop you before.
Love can-a open all-a doors.
Go!
Meet-a you mama!
You sure you want to do that?
This woman abandoned you!
Oh, what do you know?
Batman's mom's dead.
Hmph. Some mystery.
I always thought the missing
mom'd turn out to be
the Queen of Atlantis
or some other swell.
Mmm, I had-a my money
on-a "she was-a
trapped in-a the quantum realm."
I thought she is prostitute.
[Grunts]
##
[Leaves rustling]
Hm?
M-mom?
[Roars]
[Screams]
[Roaring]
[Whimpering]
WOMAN: Buddy, no!
Go play your drums.
##
Huh, if it isn't Hank Venture.
- You're younger than I expected.
- Y-you were expecting me?
I've come to.
Is your brother with you?
We had a falling out.
Oh, that's a shame.
Family is
it's everything really.
Is that supposed
to be a [bleep] joke?
- Language, Hank.
- Oh, language shmanguage!
Where have you been
all my life?
Hm. Right.
[Exhales sharply]
'Guess you're gonna want to hear
the whole sordid story, huh?
BILLY: Alright, Doc, we figured out
what's going on. [Dance music blaring]
The magnets in the Pods' speakers
are made of cutting edge
super-conductors.
And, thanks
to a software glitch
- WHITE: Not my fault.
- It's your fault.
When the volume goes up,
so do they
by generating
a powerful magnetic field.
It's actually kind of amazing.
We accidentally built a
miniature anti-gravity engine.
Go Team Venture.
So can White fix the glitch?
Not a problem. If I could
get into the software that is.
But someone locked me
out of the system, so
- problem.
- So what do I do? Cut the power?
That's the last thing
you want to do!
VenTech would plummet
like a bag of hot rocks!
Or, you know,
a 500,000 ton skyscraper.
Exactly why I'm getting
the hell out of here,
if Hatred would get his fat
ass up to the hangar already.
[Panting]
I stairs
Doc, from that height,
if VenTech crashes down
it'll take out half of Manhattan!
Well, I definitely don't want
to be in it when that happens.
No, you can't let that happen!
Y-Y-You just can't bail,
you have to fix this!
You have a responsibility,
we all do! This is our fault!
I didn't even want to make
these goddamn things!
You people talked me into this
"lifestyle products" crap!
I was happier as a middling
super-scientist
in the middle of nowhere!
You done feeling sorry
for yourself?
[Sighs]
Yeah. What do we do?
Your only hope is to shut
the Helper pods down manually,
one by one,
until you start to level off.
Then gradually turn more off
to control your descent.
Okay.
And how do I do that?
Uh, we've found shooting them
to be pretty effective.
Yeah, but the thing is, with all
that electromagnetic energy
[Static plays]
Doc? Doc?!
Billy? Hello, Billy?
I lost you.
Hello? [Grunts]
Uh, you get all that, Hatred?
Turn around and head
back downstairs.
I'll meet you by
the mezzanine elevator.
[Sgt. Hatred panting]
[Banging on window]
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Help us!
- Help us!
- Get us outta here!
- Help us, baldy!
- Please take us with you!
You're gonna shoot 'em down?!
You can't do that!
If it's between them
and millions of citizens
nestled snuggly in their beds,
I can and will.
The second they tumble
into Uncle Sam's airspace.
Just give me a chance.
Put me in a shuttle
and get me up there!
No dice, Samson.
This is one cluster you can't
un-[bleep] with a Bowie knife.
ARCH ain't playing
by the rules.
- We're in uncharted territory here.
- Uh, not entirely true, Sir.
September 1962,
Fantastic Four number six.
Dr. Doom lifted
the Baxter Building
into space with a device
called "The Grabber."
Really?
And how'd ol' Reed and F.F.
- get outta that sticky wicket?
- They had help, sir.
From Prince Namor,
the Sub-Mariner.
Hmph.
Last I checked, Dr. Venture
doesn't have
one of those, does he?
No. He's only one of the foremost
super-scientists on the planet,
with a seasoned super-soldier
at his side
who used to be one of ours.
That's a team you can bet on.
[Laughter]
- Oh, you are adorable.
- Oh, you guys suck!
Fine, if you don't trust them
to fix this,
then trust the agent
we have working the ARCH angle.
If ARCH is pulling the strings
here, she'll cut 'em.
[Laser whirring]
[Whispering] Alright,
I'm gonna look around.
Watch your head.
Eh, looks like an episode
of "Intervention" in here.
Or an episode of "C.S.I."
Man, someone is obsessed
with your husband. [Chuckles]
Oh, my God.
How'd she even get these?
That's a picture of us eating dinner.
There's one of you
both asleep in your bed.
- Ew. It's like she was always there.
- I was.
I was there for all of it.
It should have been me.
You dropped your gun
when you landed on me.
Aw, nice job, you two.
Now the knife you keep
in your boot, please.
I know you. You're that girl
that my husband used to date.
Debbie, right?
You're Debbie!
Ha, trying to erase me
and steal my husband?
Okay, first of all, it's Debra,
not Debbie,
and second of all,
you got it all wrong.
The crime scene cliché here
tells a different story.
Yeah, it started as
kind of a checklist,
then I had all these pictures,
then I got some yarn.
You never set out to make
an "I'm crazy" wall,
but ya know.
They happen.
It's an organic thing.
You insinuated yourself
into the sanctity of matrimony.
I took some pictures,
go cry about it.
- Who is the talking horse?
- Daisy.
Well, Daisy, why don't you
sit down and shut up,
because this has
nothing to do with you.
And I'm not obsessed
with The Monarch. Seriously?
Right now that evil genius
and his brilliant arch enemy
are flying haplessly into space
in overpriced real estate.
No offense to morons,
but [snorts]
your husband is their king.
I don't know what you
even see in him.
DAISY: Of course!
It's you.
She's obsessed with you.
Daisy, seriously, shut your mouth.
I have no problem
shooting a robot horse.
[Gun cocks]
BOBBI: The year
was 19-I'd-rather-not-say,
and I was shooting
"Follow That Bikini"
on the Isotope lot.
Your grandfather was consulting
on some hush-hush project
on the next sound stage,
and I guess our little movie
piqued his curiosity.
He told me he knew a much
more convincing way
to make me look invisible,
and invited me back to
his compound to show me.
[Electricity crackles]
Well, it sure was convincing!
And so was Jonas.
I ended up staying the night,
which is how I met your father.
And that's when you fell in love
and had me and Dean?
No, cuckoo-pants.
He was just a little kid
at the time.
Adorable little Rusty.
Such a sweetie.
'Little bit sad, too.
I think he asked
if I was his mommy.
Anyway, "Follow That Bikini"
was a certified bomb.
Talk about a fading star!
I couldn't even make it through
an audition without fading.
I begged Jonas to fix me,
but instead,
he and his O.S.I.
cronies offered me a job.
And just like that,
I went from an actress
to a spy.
Cool!
It ain't like it
is in the movies, kid.
They threw me to the wolves.
But I guess they knew
their wolves,
because it wasn't long before
I caught the eye of the alpha.
Force Majeure.
Number One on the O.S.I.'s
Most Wanted List,
Sovereign of the Guild
of Calamitous Intent
and Jonas Venture's arch enemy.
Gaining his trust was easy-peasy.
My "special talent" made me
a natural for super-crime.
And truth is, I was attracted
the Guild lifestyle
and to him, meow.
It didn't matter how many
dumb names
I crossed off their
Most Wanted list,
the O.S.I.
only wanted Force Majeure.
But how could I betray the man
I'd fallen in love with?
- The father of my child?
- [Spits] Whoa!
Force Majeure is my real father?!
No, Hank.
I was talking about my daughter.
I have a sister?!
Does my dad know?
[sighs]
Your father comes later.
After Force Majeure was usurped,
I knew I was next on
the new Sovereign's hit list.
So I grabbed little Debbie
and got the heck outta Dodge.
And after a decade on the run,
I just wanted to live
a normal life again.
Jonas was dead by then,
so I found your father
and asked for his help.
And ?
And He helped me.
That's it.
That's it?!
Nothing else happened
between your father
and me, Hank.
I'm not your mother.
And I've already
told you all of this.
W-What do you mean?
This ain't the first time
you've come looking for me, kid.
- Heck, it isn't even the second.
- Wha
[Mumbling]
##
[Gasps]
Awwww sh
Hank? Hank?!
Buddy,
fetch the smelling salts!
[Grunts]
No need, Buddy.
I shall take it from here.
MONARCH: I can't believe we stayed for
your over-the-hill rent-a-cop.
Why didn't we just leave him
and get the hell out of here?
We didn't stay for Hatred,
we stayed because if we leave,
the building'll kill a bunch of people.
- [Scoffs] So?
- Dude.
And that's why
I'm always the hero
and you're always the villain.
Oh, don't flatter yourself, slick.
And don't think this is
some buddy-buddy
comic book team-up crap.
- I still hate you.
- Yeah? Well I hate you, too.
But I don't walk around
obsessing about it all day.
It's not why I put on my
speedsuit every morning.
[Inhales sharply]
- Why'd you [bleep] Debbie?
- Debbie?
- Debbie who?
- Debbie St. Simone!
She was my girlfriend.
Debbie from 20 years ago Debbie?
We never
voh-dee-oh-doh-doh'ed,
I did some work for her
and her mother.
[Inhales sharply]
Fine.
[Elevator whirring]
Hey, uh, you hear this crap
about how we might be related?
- [Scoffs] Ridiculous.
- Ridiculous, right?
- Yeah, that's what I said.
- I mean, maybe you go back like
20 generations or something.
- Sure, sure.
- Yeah, they say like half the world
can trace their roots to Genghis Khan.
- Exactly.
- Exactly.
Then again, my dad did get around.
And he did know your mom, so
[Music blaring]
[Elevator dings]
Say it again!
Say that about my mother
one more time!
I will kick you in your [bleep]
throat meat!
What the hell?!
The elevators work?!
What?! Of course,
you just override the
- Oh, never mind, get in.
- Ah, geez.
[Rapid beeps]
You've been waiting all day
for this, haven't you?
[Gun cocks]
Okay, it's gonna be loud in there,
and probably a little disorienting.
So get in and get out.
Start in the corners,
pick off a few pods,
then regroup in here to reload.
- We'll work in waves.
- What?!
- What?!
- Doc, what?!
Just follow my lead!
[Music blaring]
[Screams]
[Screaming]
[All screaming]
##
No! [Screams]
[Screaming]
##
[Grunting]
Abort!
Abort the mission!
##
Grab him!
Come on now!
Pull!
Pull!
Ggggrrr!
[Screams]
[Panting]
- Come on.
- Damn it.
- Aaahh!
- Get far away.
##
You'll never take-a me alive,
Bat-a fool!
Hyah!
Ow!
[Laughs]
No fair!
Aw, it's all in my eye slits now
No, no, no.
Clients like petite girl.
You make good money,
you do this.
I only keep 50 percent.
Think about.
[Dolls shriek softly]
Hmmm, call me daffy,
but I'd bet dollars to donuts
we're not in Colorado anymore.
ORPHEUS: Hank?
Hank?
Haaaank?
- Master Venture, are you here?
- Doctor Orpheus?
What are you doing here?
Are you in a coma, too?
No, young Hank.
We have come to rescue you.
- Why're you dressed as Borat?
- I know not.
But I deduce your comatose delusions
are somehow drawn
from half-remembered cinema.
JEFFERSON: You're Zed, man!
From "Zardoz?"
- Sci-fi classic!
- Hmph. Be that as it may,
you must come back with us,
young Hank.
Back? To what?
There's nothing there for me.
I don't have a girlfriend anymore.
My mommy isn't even my mommy.
And my own brother stabbed me
in the back.
Who do you think brought me here,
some 1,700 miles
through dark of night
and threat of desanguination,
just to find you?
- It was Dean.
- I drove!
Jefferson drove.
But your brother's love
for you and his deep and
earnest remorse were our compass.
He is waiting out there
to make amends.
Your whole life is waiting!
So am I calling
an ambulance, or ?
No, no. They can fix him.
Mr. Jefferson's kind of
a conduit between realms,
so he's taking Dr. Orpheus
into Hank's coma world.
So, that one's a doctor, Okay.
- I'm, uh, I'm not your mother, by the way.
- Oh, I know.
Oh. So you remember me, then?
Uh, have we met?
[Groans]
DR. GIRLFRIEND:
So you ruin my life,
you launch my husband into space,
then suddenly you and I
are listening to Dolly Parton,
kicking it as "Sheila
and the Invisible Debbie?"
You chose a ridiculous
20-year revenge plan
over asking me to team up?
When?!
Seriously, Sheila, when?
You went from Truckules,
to Phantom Limb,
right to The Monarch.
Always a number two
for some incompetent man.
I'm saving you from that system!
Me! You're welcome!
Screw you, Debbie.
I'm not gonna
thank you and join ARCH.
ARCH? There is no ARCH.
But there could be.
Do you know how easy it was
to poach from the Guild?
We could have
their entire roster
if we just gave them
a better insurance package
and donuts every Friday.
They're hungry!
For more than just donuts.
They want efficiency donuts!
- Effective leadership donuts!
- "Sixteen Candles!"
- Horse, What? What now? What?
- You sitting on that table.
I was trying to remember
what it reminded me of.
It's the end of "Sixteen Candles."
[Hoof stomps]
- It was killing me.
- Thanks. Very helpful.
Debbie, wake up.
This is nuts.
Let's go back to the Guild
and fix it.
- It's not too late.
- There should be a cake.
You're Guild persona non grata!
There's no going back
to that mess.
The Council of Thirteen
is now what, seven old men?
There's no Sovereign. You have
no choice but to start again!
- You and me!
- No. I have always had a choice.
You followed me for years,
and you know my life isn't perfect,
but I don't need
to be saved from it.
Yes, the Guild is a mess, and
we're trying to make it better.
But I'm not a victim.
I chose my life.
I never chose my life.
My mother chose my life.
You know why I broke up
with The Monarch?
He told me it was because
you slept with Dr. Venture.
Gross, no, ew.
I never slept
G Ugh!
Ew! God, that was business.
Rusty just took away my mom's
invisibility and gave it to me.
And I gave him my
stuff I wasn't planning on using.
I can't believe he told you
I slept with Rusty.
Well, then why did you
break up with him?
Please!
My mom took one look at his
costume and was like,
"No way! You're not dating
a super villain!
We gave all that up!"
Your mom was an antagonist? Who?
Honey, my mom was
"The" antagonist!
Madam Majeure.
I'm the daughter of Force Majeure.
The last true Sovereign of The Guild!
And my mom has me
shoveling monkey shit?
I'm Debra [bleep] Majeure!
You are the rightful heir
to the Guild of Calamitous Intent.
My Liege.
I'm at your service.
Rise, humble servant.
You shall be my steed
and be at my side
- as I take my birthright
- Shut that noise up!
That's not how this ends!
I'm done with your plan, Debbie.
Here's my plan.
Non-negotiable.
I'll save your ass
from the Guild and OSI,
and make you a super villain.
Simply bring down that flying
building my husband's in,
and untie us.
Now!
Don't [bleep] listen to that horse!
Seriously, I need
to shut my mouth.
Mm-hmm, I knew that
wasn't gonna fly.
Yeah, deal.
I'll bring it down.
I'm not nuts, ya know?
Despite the, nerh-nerh.
[Laughs]
I just wanted
[Clears throat]
Or thought maybe we could've
Rrghh!
- I wanna blame my mom here, but I gotta
- Oh, my God, whatever!
- Bring the building down!
- Oh shit, yeah, sorry.
Just gotta turn off the
Done.
[Cellphone chimes]
[Panting]
That was
that was so much wrong
New
Need new plan
[All panting]
I think all my organs
are inside out.
I think mine
came out my ass.
Wait, wait.
Shh, shh!
- The music stopped.
- Thank [bleep] God.
Uh, no. That's a bad thing.
That's very ba
Ahh! Shit!
I'm weightless!
Well, duh!
We're in space, right?
No, we're in free fall.
We're falling.
Oh, my God,
the building is falling!
[All Screaming]
##
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Think!
We've still got your plane.
Can we get back
to the hangar from here?
I don't know! I don't even know
what partof the building this is!
Well, we know the hangar's up, right?
So let's go up!
[All grunting]
- H-How long have we got?
- Uh, uh, uh, let's see
Felix Baumgartner took
just over four minutes.
Uh, but he started
in the stratosphere,
and the air's thinner in the
mesosphere and the thermosphere,
- So terminal velocity
- SGT. HATRED: Ballpark it, egghead!
Uh, less than five minutes!
[Clang] Ow!
Can't see a goddamn thing.
Doesn't anybody have a light?
MONARCH: I think my costume
had headlight goggles.
But your angry robot DJs ate it.
Hang on, I think I got
some matches.
You know, for my stogies.
And bathroom odors.
[Match strikes]
[All scream]
21: Gah!
What the [bleep] was that?!
DOC: Our way out.
[Whooping]
I mean, I guess I could give it
another try out there.
Eh, but I don't think they're
gonna want to go back.
Look at 'em.
Then leave them.
They are the stuff of fantasy,
conjured by a hurt
and frightened boy
who's outgrown
his need for them.
- They belong in this place.
- But they're me.
No more than the Hank
whose diapers
your father once changed.
Or the Hank who lost
his first tooth,
or scanned the December sky
for Santa's sleigh.
You will carry them
inside you always,
but their time has passed.
##
[Laughing] Aw!
He's really cute.
Aw, he likes you.
You know, if you ever want
to come visit
t-to see the animals
you're welcome anytime.
Your brother, too.
Well, thanks.
That sounds nice.
But we don't really live
around here anymore.
Ya see, we moved to the
[Zap]
- Goodbye!
- Good-a-bye, Hank-a Venture!
- Goodbye!
- Arrivederci!
Aaaaahhhhh!
Dean?
ALL: Dean!
Here's what's coming to you!
- How about a little chin music, huh?
- Aah! Hanks!
[All shouting, grunting]
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Guys! Guys, quit it!
Stop! Forgive him!
We forgive him!
[Hanks shouting]
Jefferson!
Exeunt, s'il vous plaît!
Hrmm.
[Gasps]
Ugh.
Oh, thank God
- Huh!
- Sorry, Deano.
Guess I had a little
residual anger there, huh?
No, I
kinda deserved that.
Hey, thanks for coming
to rescue me.
- Oh, did Pop come, too?
- Well, he y'know
he- he had a thing.
Brock?
You guys bring Brock?
[Siren wailing in distance]
Huh?
- W-What is it?
- Is it a missile?
- It's
- It's coming down!
We have target lock.
Awaiting your order, General.
Sorry, Samson.
Artillery!
On my mark
Uh
Something's happening to it.
[Whooshing]
##
Ventronic Red is go!
Ventronic Gold is go!
Ventronic Blue is go!
Nuh-uh, not saying that shit.
##
I remember that [bleep] thing.
DOC:
Sgt. Gold, get us down there!
Henchman Blue, get ready
to grab that building.
- Gah!
- Easy, Godzilla!
That's my house!
Sorry! Sorry!
I've never driven a
giant arm before!
Hatred, back it up!
[Grunts]
[All shout]
21: I don't know
if I can hold it!
Monarch!
Help me out here!
Help how?!
I'm a [bleep] clown!
SGT. HATRED:
Yeah, ya can say that again.
"You can say that again."
[Bleep] you!
Do these things
even do anything?
[Squeak]
[Screams]
Uh, General?
Are we firing, or ?
Belay that order!
By golly, they have a fightin' chance!
Artillery!
Switch to harpoon cannons!
Snoopy! Find somewhere
safe to put her down!
We're goin' in!
##
##
[Grunting]
##
[Rapid beeping]
Aahhhh
Gah!
##
[Grunts]
[Alarm sounds]
[Grunting]
Ugh! Aah!
[Alarm continues]
[All shouting]
##
##
[Cheers and applause]
- Whoo! Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
Whoa!
Is this real life?
Are we moving back?
[Tires screech]
Aah! Ugh!
We
[Coughing]
We did it
[Panting]
[Metal creaking]
[High-pitched ringing]
[Heartbeat thudding]
21: [Distantly] Monarch?
Monarch?
Dude, are you awake?
Oh, my God, he's really hurt!
Medic!
We need a medic here!
Medic!
No, I'm not that
kind of doctor, but
Jesus, look at that!
My Dad clearly wants him dead.
- Whoa!
- Boys?! What are you doing here?
Well, where should we be?
If we were home right now,
home wouldn't be.
What're you all
standing around for?
We gotta get this thing off him.
Everybody! On three
One!
Two!
Three!
[All grunting]
[Gibberish]
- Whoa, that's a lotta blood!
- [Gasps] B-B-Blood?
- Oof!
- No, no, no, no, no!
I seen a lotta battlefield injuries.
That is a ruptured liver right there!
Sergeant! I can enter
the inter-dimensional ether
and procure a liver
from one of Mr. Monarch's
other dimensional selves,
returning with the organ before
this event has transpired!
P-P-Please don't kill me!
- What?! Now, why would I
- I got bit. Back in Chicago.
I can feel the change coming.
[Sobbing]
I don't wanna be a vampire!
Boy, you got nicked
by my necklace
when I tackled
your ass, is all.
Hey Huh?!
Always gotta make it about you.
All I can smell is blood!
I have a liver!
I have a liver!
What the hell is that?
That's disgusting.
Oh, it has inverted.
The time shift part inverts matter.
My bad.
Oh, my God, you guys!
He's totally dying!
What do we do?!
[Horn honking]
I can fix him.
[Beeping, whirring]
DR. GIRLFRIEND:
Eh, there. You're vanquished.
And I guess I'm a hero
for saving the Guild.
These records will be
intercepted by OSI. Case closed.
MANTILLA: And I'm set up
with a sweet villain gig?
I already have costume ideas!
The Peril Partnership
will be expecting you.
Daisy'll fly you to their
Toronto headquarters.
It's time you lived up
to your pedigree.
You make me sound like a poodle.
[Laughs, snorts]
Or a
Or a Petit Basset Griffon Vendéen!
[Chuckles]
Stupidest dog name.
Don't drink that!
Watch and Ward pee in bottles.
That's probably pee.
Ugh, when guys get
comfortable somewhere,
they always start peeing in bottles.
What is wrong with them?
Ugh, who the hell knows?
Hey, how long does your, uh,
invisible blood last?
Oh, like another day or so?
Why? [Gasps]
Do you wanna go do invisible
stuff and freak people out?
No, I gotta go get my husb
[Machine beeping]
Sorry, just a sec, these are, uh,
Venture's DNA results
from the mug.
Ch-ch-ch-ch
Oh, my God!
[Gasps]
The Phantom of the Guild!
The legends are true!
DOC: My dad
what a dick.
[Sighs]
I mean our dad.
[Chuckles]
- Crazy, right?
- Yep. [Smacks lips]
It figures. I swear, we
should've expected this.
Yeaaaah, I
wasn't expecting this.
[Indistinct conversations]
I had done this before, when I was younger,
but it was quite messy
this time.
Um, I-I didn't have my gloves
with me
All stitched up!
He'll be fine.
They're just finishing up
the blood transfusion.
I was so worried.
I'm just glad he had
his brother's blood.
Brother's blood?
That's what you guys think?
- Brothers?
- They are not brothers?
BEN: They are not brothers.
They're the same guy.
Or clones of the same guy,
at least.
Other than a pinch of baboon DNA
we spliced into R-22
to counteract the premature
balding, they're identical.
They're both Rusty clones.
Monarch has baboon in him?
- Cool!
- Two percent!
I told Jonas, "Don't put
that monkey junk in there,
it'll make him more aggressive,"
but did he listen?
Noooo.
Pawned R-22 off
on that Morpho couple.
Couldn't have kids of their own,
poor bastards.
Felt sorry for 'em.
DOC:
Uh, where are the boys?
I gotta blow their little minds.
Again.
[Monitor beeping]
[Window scrapes]
DR. GIRLFRIEND:
How's my king butterfly?
S-Sweetie?
W-Where are you?
I'm, uh, invisible.
Your ex-girlfriend?
Yeah, she gave me
some of her blood.
- It should wear off soon.
- Eh, I-I'm so sorry about all that.
Every stupid idea I have,
I just- I just dig in.
You dig in.
I know who you are, baby.
Oh, so you know
I'm Dr. Venture plus baboon?
- [Bleep] baboon.
- You are The Monarch.
That Dr. Venture
makes my skin crawl
and you make feel like
the luckiest person alive.
- You're not the same.
- So, what now?
Spent my entire life
arching me.
- I'm pathetic.
- Honey, you're a Greek myth.
You're pitted
in the eternal battle
against the worst aspects
of yourself.
The Guild, it can't touch
a rivalry like that.
He's all yours, if ya want.
Or
maybe I should just
- give this all up.
- It's your choice.
I'll stand by you either way.
Tell me what to do.
Hey, kid,
wanna give you something.
[Groans]
Your Grandpap gave me this
before your dad was born.
Is it more dumb news?
You gonna tell me
who my mom isn't?
Nah, just a watch.
GMT Master, Venture blue dial.
- Tells the time in two time zones.
- It's heavy.
Yeah, that fourth hand there?
Little date window?
Those are called complications.
Complications
make a watch special.
The more complications,
the more valuable.
Read the engraving
Jonas put on the back there.
"EE-LIE-GHEE TUA"?
Eh, close enough.
It's Latin for
"choose your family."
Blood doesn't make a family.
Love does.
Your Grandpap knew that.
[Groans]
Choose your family.
And remember that
complications make it special.
##
[Indistinct conversations] Well, yeah,
surprisingly uncomfortable, but
Okay, so
who is our mom?
Seriously, Dean, haven't we had
enough family history for one day?
I don't even know who my mom is.
All you need to know
is that the person
who gave birth to you loves you.
I promise they do.
- I love you, Pop.
- Watch the arm, son.
Oh, come on!
Who did that?
[Snickers]
Who's there?
Feel the sting of
The Mighty Monarch!
[Wheezes]
Yes! We are back!
Mark my words!
I will get you, Dr. Venture!
You can't hide from
the villainous wrath
of your better self!
[Groans]
I am radiant and vitalized
by the blood
of the ferocious baboon!
Aah!
Now somebody call me an Uber!
[Sighs]
I knew this was coming.
Brock, aren't you gonna get him?
Yeah, I've had enough for tonight.
- I'ma just get him an Uber.
- Pawned!
##
##
##
[Birds chirping, fountain burbling]
[Electronic lullaby plays]
##
[Watch beeps]
Well, looks like
they're about done, Helper.
[High-pitched tone]
Are you ready to meet
The Venture Brothers?
##