8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s08e01 Episode Script
Henning Wehn, Victoria Coren Mitchell, Tom Allen
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown - Jon Richardson, Sean Lock, Victoria Coren Mitchell, Henning Wehn, Tom Allen, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host Jimmy Carr.
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, fantoosh is a word used mainly by Scottish people to show extreme pleasure.
For example, "Fantoosh, I've found another viable vein in my big toe.
" Guinea pigs aren't pigs and don't come from Guinea.
Lying little bastards.
And a friend of Dorothy is a euphemistic term describing someone who's gay, whilst a friend of Jon Richardson is a euphemistic term describing someone who's imaginary.
AUDIENCE: Aww! Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up is Jon Richardson.
In the Urban Dictionary, Jon means "gift from God", although in his case, let's hope God's kept the receipt.
- Don't listen to that, Jon.
- I think your turn's coming, mate.
And Jon's team-mate, Victoria Coren Mitchell.
Victoria is the host of a high-brow, intellectual quiz show called Only Connect.
If you haven't seen it, it's like an upmarket version of regular Countdown, but for an audience who might make it through next winter.
- Up against them this evening, Sean Lock.
- Thank you.
When it comes to appearing on this show, Sean knows the winning formula, and that is two parts whisky, three parts hand sanitiser.
And joining Sean tonight, it's Henning Wehn.
Welcome to Countdown, Henning.
I'd ask the audience to make Henning feel welcome tonight, but I know that 52% of them want him to piss off back to Germany.
It is great to have you here tonight, Henning, because it'll be good to have a hostage when the war begins.
You really liked that, didn't you? - Henning, what was your take on the whole Brexit vote? - Hm Well, you have to take the rough with the smooth and there is upsides to living in an attic.
It's all, it's all very peaceful.
I might even get a book out of it.
No, it's a right old shambles and everyone who voted for Leave should be shot, but, erm Certainly have their heads examined, but it's the way it goes, it's democracy.
Like it or loathe it, it's the way it goes.
- Yep.
- Did you vote, Henning? Cos you've lived here for a long time.
Well, of course not, because I'm not a citizen! I haven't had the vote.
Oh, you could've had mine.
Sean, let me ask you this.
Have you ever been psychoanalysed? And, if so, what were the results? Erm, well, yeah, I have, actually.
I've had psychoanalysis.
I didn't want it, I just got all the psychiatric gift vouchers from my family as a Christmas present.
They all clubbed together and bought me the psychiatric gift I was really disappointed.
I wanted a crossbow.
But I had, er, I went for a particular type of therapy.
I went for Dickens therapy.
It's called Dickens therapy, and what you do is you compare your life to that of a Victorian orphan.
Turns out everything's just dandy.
OK.
Jon, summer's here.
- What have you got planned? - Er I don't really like summer, to be honest.
It's difficult to find the right cardigan for the summer.
Costing at weddings.
I like to go to weddings and just think, "Ooh, no-one's touched them potatoes.
"That was a waste of money, weren't it?" I didn't used to know that, but since I got married, I look at everything now and I think, "Confetti, that's gone on the floor.
"That was a waste of money, weren't it?" No-one noticed the cheese.
They were shitfaced, to be honest.
I saw one person leave with a full wheel of cheddar.
You've wasted your time, there.
That was my wedding.
Unbelievable.
I said, "Take a bit of cheese.
" Anyway, it don't matter, does it? - Who took the cheese, out of interest? - It was my wife's friends.
I told them they could have it, but I didn't think they would take all of it.
In a way, it was a good metaphor for being married.
"Take some," and then it all went.
My soul, Jimmy! She's welcome to it, it's cursed.
Victoria, you're the host of Only Connect and you've got a first in English from Oxford.
Are you feeling confident? This is the kind of thing you'd think I'd be good at, isn't it? - I would think you'd be amazing at this.
- It's a terrible mistake.
People think, "Oh, she'd be good at that, you know, she can do numbers, "she can do words, that's good.
" I'm now going to be beaten by somebody playing in their second language.
And Henning.
- Very good, Jon.
- Thanks, mate.
Now, mascots.
Jon, have you brought a mascot this evening? IN HIGH-PITCHED TONE: Well Ooh, let's try that again with a little bit more masculinity.
Well! What I'd like to do, Jimmy, if you don't mind, is just twank off for a minute.
- What, sorry? - People who are on Twitter will know.
If you thank someone on Twitter, that's called twanking.
So I'd like to I'd like to twank a few people, because people send me nice messages and it cheers me up.
They're very, sort of, inspiring, so this is a message I got sent on the 29th of April.
"If Jon Richardson can make it into comedy, then so can anyone.
" This is one of my favourite tweets I've ever got.
Fusion Gym.
Amazing meal at The Warf in Manchester with my good friend and comedian Jon Richardson.
Good to see you, mate.
Never met this guy, never been to The Warf in Manchester.
Erm this goes down as the scariest tweet I've ever had in my entire life.
So this has come in from Darren Spanner.
3rd of September, 2013.
I've not blanked that out, there's nothing there.
Just a blank tweet.
That's the sort of Twitter equivalent of just sitting behind someone on a bus and just going, "Eeh!" This guy joined Twitter in about 2011.
I clicked on his page to see who he was.
He's only ever tweeted once in the history of his account and "Man arrested for attempted murder.
" So a link to an attempted murder and then a year later he's just gone, "All right, mate?" If I ever do go missing, just remember the name Darren Spanner, cos I'm probably in his fucking cellar.
And then here we've got just a nice one to end on.
Matthew Barker, he's watched my stand-up.
"Stick to the panel shows.
" Thanks for that, will do.
- Henning, have you got a mascot? - Er, yes, I have brought a family friend.
Oh, no.
Oh.
- That is my - At last, some German comedy.
That is my family friend Uncle Monstrous and - Wow.
- .
.
he's a very learned man and hopefully he can help us this evening.
Yeah, him.
Can we get playing? Is there more explanation as to why you've brought on a weird inflatable cat that you're clearly having sex with? Well, w-w-what's surprising about this? It's an old family friend that doesn't have anywhere to stay and currently is staying at mine.
If someone switches on the programme halfway through, they'll be terrified that no-one else can see it.
- Is it a cat? - It is whatever you want it to be.
I want it to be gone.
I'm not sure I've done myself a favour bringing him here.
- Victoria, have you got a mascot? - Yes.
- What did you bring? I brought a dictionary.
That's what I should have brought, really, in hindsight.
VICTORIA: Victoria's Dictionary.
This is my own dictionary.
- HENNING: No way.
- VICTORIA: Yeah.
- Right.
Includes all rude words.
I've customised the cover.
It's got I've done this over the years, various sort of creatures.
It did have a Nike tick on it, but they said you can't have brand names, so I've just changed it into a swastika.
So I've got that there and if there's any disputes about any of my words, we'll just check.
Sean, have you got a mascot? Yes, Jimmy, what I thought I'd do is, you know, it's very popular, revenue stream for comedians/celebrities these days is children's books.
There's a lot of readies in it, it's not a lot of work.
You just write down anything that you think of, get someone to draw some pictures - Plenty, plenty moolah.
Yeah.
- Beep! Beep! Back it up! Back it up! Beep! Beep! So I've written one and I'm very excited about it.
I think it's going to be popular with not just kids, but with their parents as well.
I've sort of reworked an old classic and it is The Tiger Who Came For A Pint.
It's a lovely story.
It mixes up two of my favourite things, which is, er, tigers and alcohol.
I'll read the story to you now.
I've got to use Susie's pen-cam.
The Tiger Who Came For A Pint.
"There was once a tiger who fancied a pint.
"Not Carling, of course.
"That was too weak and too gassy.
"He wanted a pint that packs a punch, like Stella or Kronenbourg.
" There he is.
"The tiger was thirsty and needed something to wash down "the zookeeper he'd just eaten.
"He liked the atmosphere of Wetherspoon's.
"Plus Plus, he was barred from The King's Head "for mauling the darts team.
" "Tiger drank his pint quietly beside the quiz machine.
"Soon, what with the beer, fags and flame-grilled McCoys "he'd spend all his money, "but he didn't half have a thirst on.
"So, when George went to the cellar to flush out the Strongbow line ".
.
the tiger drank all the beer from all the kegs and all the rum "they were saving for Caribbean night.
" "Then he ate the meat raffle.
" "A very naughty tiger.
"Then, he went to toilet on the bar.
" This is gonna sell millions.
"'We're going to have to call you a minicab home, tiger,' said George, "the deputy manager, bursting from the cellar.
"'Where do you want taking?' "'To the zoo, you silly bollocks.
'" "So George, the deputy manager, called the tiger a cab.
"It took a while to get one, "because the first two drivers they sent said, 'Are you mental?!' "Finally, Pavel from Station Cars agreed to" "The journey went smoothly and, eventually, "after a lot of questioning, "the tiger said, 'Look, for the last time, it's not a onesie.
'" "Wetherspoon's deputy manager George never saw the tiger or Pavel, "the Station Cars driver, ever again.
"The end.
" A beautiful book.
- Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Tom Allen.
- Ohh, hello! Hello! Thank you.
Thanks.
Fun fact, Tom didn't appear at the Edinburgh Festival for three years.
Instead, he went on a gay cruise and if you're having trouble remembering that fact, just keep repeating to yourself the key points over and over again - gay, Tom, cruise.
Gay, Tom, cruise.
For people that don't know you, how would you describe yourself? Er, still gay.
Erm, I would say, I think I'm quite camp.
- Is that fair to say? - Er That's a pretty good description, I would say.
Tom, would you describe yourself as a people person? Yes, I love company, but I can't stand other people.
Recently I saw a man with a bag for life from Lidl and you just wish some people believed in themselves a bit more.
Nothing wrong with Lidl.
- Nothing wrong with? Nothing wrong with? - With Lidl.
- No, nothing.
Anyway Have you ever been in a Lidl? Are you being serious? I haven't been in a Waitrose, mate.
Have you not? Where do you get your vegetables from? They're in the kitchen.
OK.
With Tom, of course, it's Susie Dent.
There she is.
Susie's written 13 books.
They say everyone's got one good book inside them, so fingers crossed for the next one, Susie.
Now, when was the last time you saw a word and you didn't know what it meant? All the time, especially if it's rude.
Show me anything in the Urban Dictionary and normally I have to ask Rachel what it means.
- I liked it when you asked, "Why is it called teabagging?" - Yeah.
Teabagging, didn't get that one.
Didn't I say I was so hungry you'd find me munching a carpet? OK.
And in charge of the numbers it's Rachel Riley.
Rachel is every man's dream, if that man is dreaming about an unattainable maths genius who's shit at dancing.
Er, Rachel, Victoria is new to the show.
- Have you got any advice for her? - Er, yeah, well, me and Susie, we love Victoria, so basically we'll do anything you want.
Well, it's absolutely mutual and I'd like to congratulate you on what I thought was a very elegant 387 in an earlier show.
It was very nicely done, very nicely arrived at.
"Very nicely arrived at" was a sexual compliment in Victorian times.
"I thought you arrived at that very well.
" "Yes.
" "Have you alighted?" "Yes, I have.
" Years and years ago, when I was a teenager, I wrote occasionally for The Daily Telegraph and I once got LAUGHTER I got a letter, a FILTHY letter, from a gentleman who told me in his opening line that he was 85, and he put all the rudest words in Latin.
- Oh, nice.
- I genuinely can't think of anything filthier! It's a weird thing to do, Sean.
Why'd you do it? I just, er, I speak a-Latin.
That's "I speak a-Latin", that's how they Yes, Sean is a-doing the Latin-a accent! A-come, a-go, ay Bada-bing! That's Latin, isn't it? OK, and the prize the teams will be competing for tonight, it's the Countdown surfboards! CHEERING Bloody hell! What a lovely bum.
OK, let's Countdown everyone.
Time for the first game.
Jon and Victoria, you're first to pick the letters.
- Please.
- It's so exciting! Erm, could I have a consonant, please? You can indeed.
S And then a vowel.
O And then another consonant.
L Go for a vowel? Vowel, yep.
- A.
- Two more consonants.
D and Another consonant.
R And two vowels.
And E and I.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
HE DRUMS THEME-TUNE RHYTHM APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Jon, how many letters? Well, I've definitely got an eight, but I think I might have a nine, but I've spelt it wrong.
What are you going to go for, an eight or a nine? I'm going to try the nine.
Oh! OK, Victoria? I think there might be nines, but I'm going to safely play with eight.
But-But-Butif you have a nine, go for a nine.
- No, eight.
- Why would you not? - Eight.
- I'll come back.
Henning.
I'm not going to win this.
I've got six.
OK.
Sean? - Six.
- Victoria, I'll ask again.
- I though there was a nine, but then I needed two Is to do it.
You've got FOUR eyes, mate.
LAUGHTER Put the fez on.
Put the fez on.
Put the fez on.
Victoria, how many - eight or nine? - Eight.
- All right.
Henning? STRIDE OK.
Sean? SOILED Victoria? ISOLATED - ISOLATED.
- SUSIE: Excellent.
HENNING: That's a word.
Oh, you go an "excellent" from Susie.
Jon? Is there a nine there, Susie? - Yes, there are quite a few.
- Is there? - Yeah.
Well, that's going to really piss me off.
I've got IDOLATERS.
Brilliant.
No, a ni? You got a nine?! CHEERING Oh, come on! Come on! More! - Jon Richardson! - What does it mean? - Susie? - IDOLATERS? People who worshipother people.
- Like Jon.
- Well, you got a nine, and it's double points for a nine, so that's 18 points! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING OK, on to our first numbers round.
Sean and Henning, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Er - Numbers now? - Yeah.
- LAUGHTER - Two big, four small.
Two big, four small coming up.
And they are 10, 6 1 5 And the big ones - 75 and 50.
- So what are we aiming for? - We're aiming for that one.
- That's doable.
- 544.
Your time starts now.
HENNING: I've got it! LAUGHTER I've got it! - On the nose.
- Have you? - Yeah.
- Oh, great.
That's quids in for us.
Great.
You sure? Give or take.
OK, so the target was 544.
Henning, did you get it? It needs to be verified, but I'm fairly hopeful.
Sean, did you get it? Well, I stopped, cos he kept going, "I've got it!" "I've got it!" So I just thought there's no need.
Keep your powder dry.
Jon, did you get it? - Yes.
- Victoria? - Yes.
- OK.
HENNING LAUGHS Seems like it was an easy one, Henning, but how did you do it? With elegance.
50 x 10 + 75 - (5 x 6) - 1 = 544 Yep, lovely.
You don't need the brackets, but why not? APPLAUSE Victoria, did you get it? Er, yup, erm 50 + 5 x 10 - 6 = 544 Lovely.
Ten points to both teams.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING The scores at the moment - Sean and Henning have 10, Jon and Victoria have 28.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And here is your teaser.
The words are DRAB ORAL.
The clue is - man's best friend.
That's DRAB ORAL - man's best friend.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were DRAB ORAL.
The clue was - man's best friend.
It was, of course, Labrador.
So, Jon and Victoria are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far but this game is just for Victoria and Henning.
So, Victoria, your turn to choose the letters.
Oh, a vowel, please.
U Consonant.
B Vowel.
Henning's hoping you'll bring out an O with an umlaut.
Two more consonants, please.
M R - Two vowels.
- That's the American president, there.
E I And two consonants.
And the last ones D N OK, and your time starts now.
Hold on a minute! It's alive! Pat Sharp from the '80s, everyone! - OK.
Victoria, how many letters? - I was very distracted by that, so only seven.
- Should be more.
- OK, Henning? Well, I struggle against someone that goes, "Ooh, unfortunately, "only a seven, I was distracted.
" I've got a good and honest five.
Good and honest five.
What is your five, Henning? Rumba.
Rumba, the dance.
OK.
And then Victoria, what is your? I'd like to point out that you can make the six-letter word REMAIN, which I'd like to have done.
Oh, yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That sounds That sounds to me like 48% of the audience clapping.
But purely for the points, I'll say BRAINED.
- Susie, BRAINED? - Yeah, absolutely fine.
Brain someone.
Henning, you could have put an ED on the end and had RUMBAED.
- As in, they RUMBAED all night.
- See, that isn't a word.
I mean, that is just playing silly buggers, isn't it? I mean Would you have preferred BANDIER, as in BANDIER legs? That's also a seven.
Like, he's got bandy legs, but his are BANDIER.
It's also what they shout when you try and get in a pub but you're not allowed in.
"You can't come in, you're BANDIER!" - Tom, Susie, could they have done any better? - Oh, sure.
- UNARMED.
- Yes.
- UNARMED.
- But seven was still top.
OK.
So, at the end of that round, Sean and Henning have 10, Jon and Victoria have 35.
Right, now it's time for Jon and Sean to go head-to-head.
- Sean, your turn to pick the numbers.
- I'll have one from the top.
And then hit me with what you've got from below.
Wow, that makes it sound so sexy.
OK, everything from below, we have 5, 3, 6, 8.
Just normal numbers again, isn't it? 4, and the big one, 25.
Target, 173.
- OK.
- I'll get there, I'll get there.
Your time starts now.
OK, your target was 173.
- Sean, did you get it? - Yes, I did, Jimmy.
- Jon, did you get it? - Yes, I did, Jimmy.
Well, Sean, how did you get it? 3 + 4 = 7 - Yep.
- So it is.
7 X 25 = 175 8 - 6 = 2 - Yep.
- You take that off, you get 173.
You do.
- What have you got, Jon? - I did it the same way, but more camp.
OK.
Ten points to both teams.
OK, so Sean and Henning have 20, Jon and Victoria have 45.
Time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Tom, what have you got for us? Oh, Jimmy, thank you for throwing to me.
Hello.
Now, relationships are difficult for everyone, whether you're gay, or straight, or bi, or any of the other ones.
The main pressure is distracting yourself from the one other person you've grown to hate.
Now, there are many elements of living with a partner.
For example, redecorating.
Now, for straight people, redecorating is often just standing in a Homebase and shouting, "No, Gary, "not them tiles.
The ones I circled in the brochure.
"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Whereas, for gay people, it's more like, "Oh, no, "we can't have any of these tiles.
They're from Homebase.
" Also, eating out is an important part of the lifestyles of many couples, because it allows them both to socialise and more importantly, to show off.
For straight people, it's a lot like, "Do you want to go Carluccio's?" "Oh, yeah, sure.
I love it up the Luch.
" For gay people, it can take months of planning and research and trying to find somewhere that doesn't serve push-button coffee.
For example, "Malcolm, Denise has given us "tickets to see Elaine Paige's biographical "show, Page by Page by Paige.
" "What, Clive? "But you promised we could go to that pop-up restaurant "that's just popped up.
You know how I love to eat Stratford.
" "Stratford, where the Olympics were?" "No, not Stratford, Clive.
"Strat-fud.
Fud you eat on the strat.
" "Oh, street food.
"But I hate street food, Andy.
"I hate cocktails out of jars, I hate chips out of plant pots, "and I hate pulled pork off a roof tile.
"I like to eat indoors because I'm not homeless.
" Tom Allen, everyone, Tom Allen.
And here's your teaser.
The words are SEMI TOSS.
The clue is - down to the touch.
That's SEMI TOSS, down to the touch.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were SEMI TOSS, the clue was - damp to the touch.
It was, of course, MOSSIEST.
Victoria, are you happy with your team-mate? Do you feel he's bringing you down? I think Only Connect teams and viewers would say Jon Richardson is very much our kind of guy.
- Mm.
- So I am very happy to be on his team.
And the rest of us wouldn't be right for that show? - Yeah.
- Well, it would be nice to have you there, Jimmy, just to look pretty.
You know, just to brighten up the set.
JON: There's three of us.
We could go on, the three of us.
SEAN: Hang on, I'm just going to go through my diary here.
Oh, no, God.
- No.
Oh! - You are a busy boy, aren't you? Oh, God, no.
I'd love to, guys.
Oh! Maybe there's Oh, God, no.
It's Lammastide.
Right.
Now it's time for Jon and Henning to go head-to-head.
- Jon, your turn to choose the letters.
- Thank you, Jimmy.
I would like a vowel, please, Rachel.
Thank you, Jon.
O And I would like a consonant, please.
C And another vowel, please.
ALARM BLARES TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS APPLAUSE LAUGHTER Hello, Joe.
All right, Jimmy.
Oh, gosh.
I shouldn't really be drink-driving.
Oh, good Lord.
Why are you here, Joe? You don't work here any more.
Yeah.
God, you're thick as pig shit, aren't you? That shouldn't be smoking.
I dropped my fag in there earlier.
I'm doing a bonus round, Jimmy.
But we don't have a bonus round.
Do you not? No.
Shit.
I'll be honest with you, that's pissed me off a little bit.
I drove this up from South London.
Four months it took me! I caused 111 accidents.
And it's Fabio's birthday.
Joe, can I ask why Fabio has a toilet seat around his neck? It's what he wanted for his birthday.
He's a fucking idiot.
Come on, lads, let's go.
Jimmy's an arsehole.
- Right.
- Well, hold on.
Do you want to see the bonus round? CHEERING Piss off! No! No! No! No! ALL: Yes! I'm not doing it.
I've got some dignity, you know.
- Joe? - Mm? - I'll give you this jar of gherkins if you do it.
Go on, then! Let's play Countdown on the Hot Guy Express! TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS Hello, there.
Pop yourself on, lads.
Go on.
- Hello, there.
Hiya.
- On you pop.
You can have Gavin or Fabio.
It's up to you.
That's Gavin.
You have to sit on his lap.
OK.
- Are you all right with that? - It's cheek to balls.
Joe? - Yes, love.
- Is your train called the Hot Guy Express? Yes, it is.
Choo-choo! Are we nearly there yet? - Oh, yes.
- I'm quite a way off, if I'm honest.
APPLAUSE Right! Can you pop some letters on? Let's get on with this shit.
Yes.
Is it still Jon? No, pop them on, love.
Who gives a shit? Oh, by the way, my face is a U.
- U? - I don't make the rules.
Of course, it is.
S Hurry up, love.
I'm desperate for a piss.
R E M Oh, that's a good one.
And V.
- Let's do this.
- OK, your time starts now.
So, what do you reckon, then? APPLAUSE So, Jon, how many letters? I think a five.
- Henning? - I've got a five.
All right, Henning, what's your five? MOUSE Or ROUSE.
MOUSE or ROUSE.
Or you've got CUM with my face on it.
APPLAUSE Jon, what's your five? I think it's the only thing I'm not covered in.
MUCUS You haven't seen your back, Jon.
Well, five points to both teams.
APPLAUSE TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS I tell you what, I had a beetroot salad for tea and that was a much more uncomfortable experience for Fabio than it was for me.
Tom, could they have done any better? I was rather excited about the Hot Guy Express.
As was Susie, you know what she's like.
Six letters.
MOUSER.
MOUSER? And COVERS was another one you could have had.
Six letters, COVERS.
OK, the scores at the moment - Sean and Henning have 25, Jon and Victoria have 50.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner again.
- Tom, what have you got for us? - Welcome back.
Now, for some people, holding a hand on a hot stove is a great way for them to remind themselves that they're still alive.
Are you reaching out to Jon? Jimmy, how dare you interrupt me.
Do you want to do some sort of badinage, then? I don't really enjoy it.
Can I just say, coming on the show has absolutely screwed me up.
My brain just screamed, "Badinage, is that an anagram of beading?!" I'll never be normal again.
I shouldn't have come.
Susie, is badinage an anagram of beading? Hang on, this is my bit! This is my bit! For me, I love to go to fancy dress parties.
Now, for some people, fancy dress spells fancy stress, because they do not know who to go as.
Now, in that instance, all I would say is thank God for Jane Asher.
And that's not actually the first time I've said that this week.
Jane Asher's Fancy Dress is a bible for people who love to party .
.
but who have too much time on their hands.
Jane's first suggestion is maybe you'd like to go to a fancy dress party dressed as a soda stream.
As Jane puts it, transform some strips of polystyrene packaging material into a magical bubbling fountain.
So magical.
Mm.
Get into a passionate embrace with this one and you'll find the popping of bubbles both exciting and stress-relieving.
Right.
Now, now, if you don't like that, maybe that feels a bit strange to go dressed as that and you want something that's, I don't know, maybe a bit more fabulous, but also it's great for people who hate the Atkins diet.
This outfit is to go as a sandwich.
My mum dressed me up as that.
It's an egg salad sandwich.
My mum has that exact book and Rachel, this is my bit! You just brought back horrible memories from my childhood.
- Did you go dressed as a salad sandwich? - An egg salad sandwich.
- There are photos.
- Oh, that's nice.
So she did it? There's a circus tent in there.
She did that one as well.
Thank you, Rachel.
OK.
Pretend you didn't hear that, everybody.
If you're still not sure, now, this one you will find very surprising This final winning outfit - I think you're going to like this, Jimmy.
If you're not sure and you're feeling a bit self-conscious about what to go as, maybe you just go as a whacking great circus tent.
APPLAUSE How did I know? Finally, both a winning outfit and a solution to the housing crisis.
As Jane describes it, it is perfect for a pregnant lady.
The sight of someone pregnant is disgusting and must be hidden.
Now, remember, all you need to make these things are just 3.
5 metres of white sheeting, seven metres of trimming, two garden sticks, four paper plates, a sewing machine, a welder, a chainsaw, a five-year textiles degree, a fully equipped workshop and a small factory in Bangladesh.
Tom Allen, everyone.
- APPLAUSE - Thank you, Jimmy.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are DOG SMEAR.
The clue is - wipe it down afterwards.
That's DOG SMEAR - wipe it down afterwards.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were DOG SMEAR, the clue was - wipe it down afterwards, it was, of course, ORGASMED.
Sorry, one quick I just realised, I haven't got you - Do you want a can? - Yeah.
- Of course, darling.
Thank you.
- Sorry, that's very rude of me.
HE WHISTLES BUZZING SOUND APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER Go on, fuck off! LAUGHTER AND CHEERING - Ah! He make some noise, doesn't he? - LAUGHTER It's time for our final letters game.
Sean and Henning, your turn to choose the letters.
Rachel, Joe.
- Yes, love? - Just give us what you feel like.
- Whoo! LAUGHTER How strong is that lager? LAUGHTER - You've fallen out of your shoes.
- Yeah, yeah.
Drop the other, and you'll look as if you're coming back from a hen do.
That'll do.
- Got loads of those this year.
- Right.
- What was it? - Just do whatever you feel.
All right, I'm going to lob them about.
LAUGHTER No, stick them in the board.
On the No! APPLAUSE Ironically, someone's just been blinded in the crowd by flying I.
LAUGHTER You're doing really well.
We've got a P over here, an O, an E, a T, - an S, U - Let's fill it.
Let's bloody fill it, top and bottom.
LAUGHTER Top and bottom.
There you go, that'll do.
That'll do, won't it? - OK, so you've got extra letters to work with.
- Yeah.
All right, and your time starts, now.
That is too many.
It is too many.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It was good to get away.
I brought people pressies.
I brought everyone something.
I got you, er, Cream Collon.
LAUGHTER Get involved.
Gluten-free.
- You like sweets, don't you, Sean? - Mm.
Plopp! LAUGHTER He loves a Plopp.
Oh, sorry.
Apologies.
I got some of this.
I make this myself, actually.
It's sort of a garnish for crackers.
I don't know if you can see that.
It's Cemen Dip.
LAUGHTER I don't want that one spilled.
And then it's a hot chilli sauce with shrimp and fish.
What would you call that? Shito.
LAUGHTER Sean, how did you do? I really struggled.
I got three.
There's poets there, mate.
OK, Henning, how many did you get? LAUGHTER - Henning? - Well, I'm not much better.
All I've got is a five and that's exactly the five letters that are already there in order.
Well played, son.
Well played.
APPLAUSE Jon, what did you get? I think I got an eight.
- You think you got an eight? - Yeah.
- OK.
- Victoria? - A seven.
A seven.
OK.
Well, let's hear your three, Sean.
Well, it's, um something we all need, it's a TAP.
LAUGHTER - Victoria? - POTTIES.
- POTTIES.
- POTTIES, like babies would use.
- Jon? - PEAKIEST.
- Oh, good.
That's good.
- PEAKIEST.
Is it in there? - Susie? - Yeah, it is, yeah.
APPLAUSE Could they have done any better? Tom, Susie? - Yeah, they could've got a nine.
- What was the nine? - AUTOPISTA.
- And can you define that? No.
Susie can, though.
It's a motorway in Spain, or a Spanish-speaking country.
OK, so Sean and Henning have 25.
Jon and Victoria have 58.
APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for our "it's never been less crucial" conundrum.
Your time starts now.
What are we after? A word.
There is one.
No, that's not a word.
- Well, I never managed - Ssh.
BUZZER Is it YELLOWING? Let's take a look.
CHEERING Victoria Coren Mitchell, everyone.
So, the final scores are Jon and Henning have 25 points.
The winners, with 68 points, are Jon and Victoria.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations, you're now the proud owners of these Countdown surfboards.
CHEERING Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now welcome your host Jimmy Carr.
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, fantoosh is a word used mainly by Scottish people to show extreme pleasure.
For example, "Fantoosh, I've found another viable vein in my big toe.
" Guinea pigs aren't pigs and don't come from Guinea.
Lying little bastards.
And a friend of Dorothy is a euphemistic term describing someone who's gay, whilst a friend of Jon Richardson is a euphemistic term describing someone who's imaginary.
AUDIENCE: Aww! Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up is Jon Richardson.
In the Urban Dictionary, Jon means "gift from God", although in his case, let's hope God's kept the receipt.
- Don't listen to that, Jon.
- I think your turn's coming, mate.
And Jon's team-mate, Victoria Coren Mitchell.
Victoria is the host of a high-brow, intellectual quiz show called Only Connect.
If you haven't seen it, it's like an upmarket version of regular Countdown, but for an audience who might make it through next winter.
- Up against them this evening, Sean Lock.
- Thank you.
When it comes to appearing on this show, Sean knows the winning formula, and that is two parts whisky, three parts hand sanitiser.
And joining Sean tonight, it's Henning Wehn.
Welcome to Countdown, Henning.
I'd ask the audience to make Henning feel welcome tonight, but I know that 52% of them want him to piss off back to Germany.
It is great to have you here tonight, Henning, because it'll be good to have a hostage when the war begins.
You really liked that, didn't you? - Henning, what was your take on the whole Brexit vote? - Hm Well, you have to take the rough with the smooth and there is upsides to living in an attic.
It's all, it's all very peaceful.
I might even get a book out of it.
No, it's a right old shambles and everyone who voted for Leave should be shot, but, erm Certainly have their heads examined, but it's the way it goes, it's democracy.
Like it or loathe it, it's the way it goes.
- Yep.
- Did you vote, Henning? Cos you've lived here for a long time.
Well, of course not, because I'm not a citizen! I haven't had the vote.
Oh, you could've had mine.
Sean, let me ask you this.
Have you ever been psychoanalysed? And, if so, what were the results? Erm, well, yeah, I have, actually.
I've had psychoanalysis.
I didn't want it, I just got all the psychiatric gift vouchers from my family as a Christmas present.
They all clubbed together and bought me the psychiatric gift I was really disappointed.
I wanted a crossbow.
But I had, er, I went for a particular type of therapy.
I went for Dickens therapy.
It's called Dickens therapy, and what you do is you compare your life to that of a Victorian orphan.
Turns out everything's just dandy.
OK.
Jon, summer's here.
- What have you got planned? - Er I don't really like summer, to be honest.
It's difficult to find the right cardigan for the summer.
Costing at weddings.
I like to go to weddings and just think, "Ooh, no-one's touched them potatoes.
"That was a waste of money, weren't it?" I didn't used to know that, but since I got married, I look at everything now and I think, "Confetti, that's gone on the floor.
"That was a waste of money, weren't it?" No-one noticed the cheese.
They were shitfaced, to be honest.
I saw one person leave with a full wheel of cheddar.
You've wasted your time, there.
That was my wedding.
Unbelievable.
I said, "Take a bit of cheese.
" Anyway, it don't matter, does it? - Who took the cheese, out of interest? - It was my wife's friends.
I told them they could have it, but I didn't think they would take all of it.
In a way, it was a good metaphor for being married.
"Take some," and then it all went.
My soul, Jimmy! She's welcome to it, it's cursed.
Victoria, you're the host of Only Connect and you've got a first in English from Oxford.
Are you feeling confident? This is the kind of thing you'd think I'd be good at, isn't it? - I would think you'd be amazing at this.
- It's a terrible mistake.
People think, "Oh, she'd be good at that, you know, she can do numbers, "she can do words, that's good.
" I'm now going to be beaten by somebody playing in their second language.
And Henning.
- Very good, Jon.
- Thanks, mate.
Now, mascots.
Jon, have you brought a mascot this evening? IN HIGH-PITCHED TONE: Well Ooh, let's try that again with a little bit more masculinity.
Well! What I'd like to do, Jimmy, if you don't mind, is just twank off for a minute.
- What, sorry? - People who are on Twitter will know.
If you thank someone on Twitter, that's called twanking.
So I'd like to I'd like to twank a few people, because people send me nice messages and it cheers me up.
They're very, sort of, inspiring, so this is a message I got sent on the 29th of April.
"If Jon Richardson can make it into comedy, then so can anyone.
" This is one of my favourite tweets I've ever got.
Fusion Gym.
Amazing meal at The Warf in Manchester with my good friend and comedian Jon Richardson.
Good to see you, mate.
Never met this guy, never been to The Warf in Manchester.
Erm this goes down as the scariest tweet I've ever had in my entire life.
So this has come in from Darren Spanner.
3rd of September, 2013.
I've not blanked that out, there's nothing there.
Just a blank tweet.
That's the sort of Twitter equivalent of just sitting behind someone on a bus and just going, "Eeh!" This guy joined Twitter in about 2011.
I clicked on his page to see who he was.
He's only ever tweeted once in the history of his account and "Man arrested for attempted murder.
" So a link to an attempted murder and then a year later he's just gone, "All right, mate?" If I ever do go missing, just remember the name Darren Spanner, cos I'm probably in his fucking cellar.
And then here we've got just a nice one to end on.
Matthew Barker, he's watched my stand-up.
"Stick to the panel shows.
" Thanks for that, will do.
- Henning, have you got a mascot? - Er, yes, I have brought a family friend.
Oh, no.
Oh.
- That is my - At last, some German comedy.
That is my family friend Uncle Monstrous and - Wow.
- .
.
he's a very learned man and hopefully he can help us this evening.
Yeah, him.
Can we get playing? Is there more explanation as to why you've brought on a weird inflatable cat that you're clearly having sex with? Well, w-w-what's surprising about this? It's an old family friend that doesn't have anywhere to stay and currently is staying at mine.
If someone switches on the programme halfway through, they'll be terrified that no-one else can see it.
- Is it a cat? - It is whatever you want it to be.
I want it to be gone.
I'm not sure I've done myself a favour bringing him here.
- Victoria, have you got a mascot? - Yes.
- What did you bring? I brought a dictionary.
That's what I should have brought, really, in hindsight.
VICTORIA: Victoria's Dictionary.
This is my own dictionary.
- HENNING: No way.
- VICTORIA: Yeah.
- Right.
Includes all rude words.
I've customised the cover.
It's got I've done this over the years, various sort of creatures.
It did have a Nike tick on it, but they said you can't have brand names, so I've just changed it into a swastika.
So I've got that there and if there's any disputes about any of my words, we'll just check.
Sean, have you got a mascot? Yes, Jimmy, what I thought I'd do is, you know, it's very popular, revenue stream for comedians/celebrities these days is children's books.
There's a lot of readies in it, it's not a lot of work.
You just write down anything that you think of, get someone to draw some pictures - Plenty, plenty moolah.
Yeah.
- Beep! Beep! Back it up! Back it up! Beep! Beep! So I've written one and I'm very excited about it.
I think it's going to be popular with not just kids, but with their parents as well.
I've sort of reworked an old classic and it is The Tiger Who Came For A Pint.
It's a lovely story.
It mixes up two of my favourite things, which is, er, tigers and alcohol.
I'll read the story to you now.
I've got to use Susie's pen-cam.
The Tiger Who Came For A Pint.
"There was once a tiger who fancied a pint.
"Not Carling, of course.
"That was too weak and too gassy.
"He wanted a pint that packs a punch, like Stella or Kronenbourg.
" There he is.
"The tiger was thirsty and needed something to wash down "the zookeeper he'd just eaten.
"He liked the atmosphere of Wetherspoon's.
"Plus Plus, he was barred from The King's Head "for mauling the darts team.
" "Tiger drank his pint quietly beside the quiz machine.
"Soon, what with the beer, fags and flame-grilled McCoys "he'd spend all his money, "but he didn't half have a thirst on.
"So, when George went to the cellar to flush out the Strongbow line ".
.
the tiger drank all the beer from all the kegs and all the rum "they were saving for Caribbean night.
" "Then he ate the meat raffle.
" "A very naughty tiger.
"Then, he went to toilet on the bar.
" This is gonna sell millions.
"'We're going to have to call you a minicab home, tiger,' said George, "the deputy manager, bursting from the cellar.
"'Where do you want taking?' "'To the zoo, you silly bollocks.
'" "So George, the deputy manager, called the tiger a cab.
"It took a while to get one, "because the first two drivers they sent said, 'Are you mental?!' "Finally, Pavel from Station Cars agreed to" "The journey went smoothly and, eventually, "after a lot of questioning, "the tiger said, 'Look, for the last time, it's not a onesie.
'" "Wetherspoon's deputy manager George never saw the tiger or Pavel, "the Station Cars driver, ever again.
"The end.
" A beautiful book.
- Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Tom Allen.
- Ohh, hello! Hello! Thank you.
Thanks.
Fun fact, Tom didn't appear at the Edinburgh Festival for three years.
Instead, he went on a gay cruise and if you're having trouble remembering that fact, just keep repeating to yourself the key points over and over again - gay, Tom, cruise.
Gay, Tom, cruise.
For people that don't know you, how would you describe yourself? Er, still gay.
Erm, I would say, I think I'm quite camp.
- Is that fair to say? - Er That's a pretty good description, I would say.
Tom, would you describe yourself as a people person? Yes, I love company, but I can't stand other people.
Recently I saw a man with a bag for life from Lidl and you just wish some people believed in themselves a bit more.
Nothing wrong with Lidl.
- Nothing wrong with? Nothing wrong with? - With Lidl.
- No, nothing.
Anyway Have you ever been in a Lidl? Are you being serious? I haven't been in a Waitrose, mate.
Have you not? Where do you get your vegetables from? They're in the kitchen.
OK.
With Tom, of course, it's Susie Dent.
There she is.
Susie's written 13 books.
They say everyone's got one good book inside them, so fingers crossed for the next one, Susie.
Now, when was the last time you saw a word and you didn't know what it meant? All the time, especially if it's rude.
Show me anything in the Urban Dictionary and normally I have to ask Rachel what it means.
- I liked it when you asked, "Why is it called teabagging?" - Yeah.
Teabagging, didn't get that one.
Didn't I say I was so hungry you'd find me munching a carpet? OK.
And in charge of the numbers it's Rachel Riley.
Rachel is every man's dream, if that man is dreaming about an unattainable maths genius who's shit at dancing.
Er, Rachel, Victoria is new to the show.
- Have you got any advice for her? - Er, yeah, well, me and Susie, we love Victoria, so basically we'll do anything you want.
Well, it's absolutely mutual and I'd like to congratulate you on what I thought was a very elegant 387 in an earlier show.
It was very nicely done, very nicely arrived at.
"Very nicely arrived at" was a sexual compliment in Victorian times.
"I thought you arrived at that very well.
" "Yes.
" "Have you alighted?" "Yes, I have.
" Years and years ago, when I was a teenager, I wrote occasionally for The Daily Telegraph and I once got LAUGHTER I got a letter, a FILTHY letter, from a gentleman who told me in his opening line that he was 85, and he put all the rudest words in Latin.
- Oh, nice.
- I genuinely can't think of anything filthier! It's a weird thing to do, Sean.
Why'd you do it? I just, er, I speak a-Latin.
That's "I speak a-Latin", that's how they Yes, Sean is a-doing the Latin-a accent! A-come, a-go, ay Bada-bing! That's Latin, isn't it? OK, and the prize the teams will be competing for tonight, it's the Countdown surfboards! CHEERING Bloody hell! What a lovely bum.
OK, let's Countdown everyone.
Time for the first game.
Jon and Victoria, you're first to pick the letters.
- Please.
- It's so exciting! Erm, could I have a consonant, please? You can indeed.
S And then a vowel.
O And then another consonant.
L Go for a vowel? Vowel, yep.
- A.
- Two more consonants.
D and Another consonant.
R And two vowels.
And E and I.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
HE DRUMS THEME-TUNE RHYTHM APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Jon, how many letters? Well, I've definitely got an eight, but I think I might have a nine, but I've spelt it wrong.
What are you going to go for, an eight or a nine? I'm going to try the nine.
Oh! OK, Victoria? I think there might be nines, but I'm going to safely play with eight.
But-But-Butif you have a nine, go for a nine.
- No, eight.
- Why would you not? - Eight.
- I'll come back.
Henning.
I'm not going to win this.
I've got six.
OK.
Sean? - Six.
- Victoria, I'll ask again.
- I though there was a nine, but then I needed two Is to do it.
You've got FOUR eyes, mate.
LAUGHTER Put the fez on.
Put the fez on.
Put the fez on.
Victoria, how many - eight or nine? - Eight.
- All right.
Henning? STRIDE OK.
Sean? SOILED Victoria? ISOLATED - ISOLATED.
- SUSIE: Excellent.
HENNING: That's a word.
Oh, you go an "excellent" from Susie.
Jon? Is there a nine there, Susie? - Yes, there are quite a few.
- Is there? - Yeah.
Well, that's going to really piss me off.
I've got IDOLATERS.
Brilliant.
No, a ni? You got a nine?! CHEERING Oh, come on! Come on! More! - Jon Richardson! - What does it mean? - Susie? - IDOLATERS? People who worshipother people.
- Like Jon.
- Well, you got a nine, and it's double points for a nine, so that's 18 points! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING OK, on to our first numbers round.
Sean and Henning, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Er - Numbers now? - Yeah.
- LAUGHTER - Two big, four small.
Two big, four small coming up.
And they are 10, 6 1 5 And the big ones - 75 and 50.
- So what are we aiming for? - We're aiming for that one.
- That's doable.
- 544.
Your time starts now.
HENNING: I've got it! LAUGHTER I've got it! - On the nose.
- Have you? - Yeah.
- Oh, great.
That's quids in for us.
Great.
You sure? Give or take.
OK, so the target was 544.
Henning, did you get it? It needs to be verified, but I'm fairly hopeful.
Sean, did you get it? Well, I stopped, cos he kept going, "I've got it!" "I've got it!" So I just thought there's no need.
Keep your powder dry.
Jon, did you get it? - Yes.
- Victoria? - Yes.
- OK.
HENNING LAUGHS Seems like it was an easy one, Henning, but how did you do it? With elegance.
50 x 10 + 75 - (5 x 6) - 1 = 544 Yep, lovely.
You don't need the brackets, but why not? APPLAUSE Victoria, did you get it? Er, yup, erm 50 + 5 x 10 - 6 = 544 Lovely.
Ten points to both teams.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING The scores at the moment - Sean and Henning have 10, Jon and Victoria have 28.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And here is your teaser.
The words are DRAB ORAL.
The clue is - man's best friend.
That's DRAB ORAL - man's best friend.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were DRAB ORAL.
The clue was - man's best friend.
It was, of course, Labrador.
So, Jon and Victoria are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far but this game is just for Victoria and Henning.
So, Victoria, your turn to choose the letters.
Oh, a vowel, please.
U Consonant.
B Vowel.
Henning's hoping you'll bring out an O with an umlaut.
Two more consonants, please.
M R - Two vowels.
- That's the American president, there.
E I And two consonants.
And the last ones D N OK, and your time starts now.
Hold on a minute! It's alive! Pat Sharp from the '80s, everyone! - OK.
Victoria, how many letters? - I was very distracted by that, so only seven.
- Should be more.
- OK, Henning? Well, I struggle against someone that goes, "Ooh, unfortunately, "only a seven, I was distracted.
" I've got a good and honest five.
Good and honest five.
What is your five, Henning? Rumba.
Rumba, the dance.
OK.
And then Victoria, what is your? I'd like to point out that you can make the six-letter word REMAIN, which I'd like to have done.
Oh, yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That sounds That sounds to me like 48% of the audience clapping.
But purely for the points, I'll say BRAINED.
- Susie, BRAINED? - Yeah, absolutely fine.
Brain someone.
Henning, you could have put an ED on the end and had RUMBAED.
- As in, they RUMBAED all night.
- See, that isn't a word.
I mean, that is just playing silly buggers, isn't it? I mean Would you have preferred BANDIER, as in BANDIER legs? That's also a seven.
Like, he's got bandy legs, but his are BANDIER.
It's also what they shout when you try and get in a pub but you're not allowed in.
"You can't come in, you're BANDIER!" - Tom, Susie, could they have done any better? - Oh, sure.
- UNARMED.
- Yes.
- UNARMED.
- But seven was still top.
OK.
So, at the end of that round, Sean and Henning have 10, Jon and Victoria have 35.
Right, now it's time for Jon and Sean to go head-to-head.
- Sean, your turn to pick the numbers.
- I'll have one from the top.
And then hit me with what you've got from below.
Wow, that makes it sound so sexy.
OK, everything from below, we have 5, 3, 6, 8.
Just normal numbers again, isn't it? 4, and the big one, 25.
Target, 173.
- OK.
- I'll get there, I'll get there.
Your time starts now.
OK, your target was 173.
- Sean, did you get it? - Yes, I did, Jimmy.
- Jon, did you get it? - Yes, I did, Jimmy.
Well, Sean, how did you get it? 3 + 4 = 7 - Yep.
- So it is.
7 X 25 = 175 8 - 6 = 2 - Yep.
- You take that off, you get 173.
You do.
- What have you got, Jon? - I did it the same way, but more camp.
OK.
Ten points to both teams.
OK, so Sean and Henning have 20, Jon and Victoria have 45.
Time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Tom, what have you got for us? Oh, Jimmy, thank you for throwing to me.
Hello.
Now, relationships are difficult for everyone, whether you're gay, or straight, or bi, or any of the other ones.
The main pressure is distracting yourself from the one other person you've grown to hate.
Now, there are many elements of living with a partner.
For example, redecorating.
Now, for straight people, redecorating is often just standing in a Homebase and shouting, "No, Gary, "not them tiles.
The ones I circled in the brochure.
"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Whereas, for gay people, it's more like, "Oh, no, "we can't have any of these tiles.
They're from Homebase.
" Also, eating out is an important part of the lifestyles of many couples, because it allows them both to socialise and more importantly, to show off.
For straight people, it's a lot like, "Do you want to go Carluccio's?" "Oh, yeah, sure.
I love it up the Luch.
" For gay people, it can take months of planning and research and trying to find somewhere that doesn't serve push-button coffee.
For example, "Malcolm, Denise has given us "tickets to see Elaine Paige's biographical "show, Page by Page by Paige.
" "What, Clive? "But you promised we could go to that pop-up restaurant "that's just popped up.
You know how I love to eat Stratford.
" "Stratford, where the Olympics were?" "No, not Stratford, Clive.
"Strat-fud.
Fud you eat on the strat.
" "Oh, street food.
"But I hate street food, Andy.
"I hate cocktails out of jars, I hate chips out of plant pots, "and I hate pulled pork off a roof tile.
"I like to eat indoors because I'm not homeless.
" Tom Allen, everyone, Tom Allen.
And here's your teaser.
The words are SEMI TOSS.
The clue is - down to the touch.
That's SEMI TOSS, down to the touch.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were SEMI TOSS, the clue was - damp to the touch.
It was, of course, MOSSIEST.
Victoria, are you happy with your team-mate? Do you feel he's bringing you down? I think Only Connect teams and viewers would say Jon Richardson is very much our kind of guy.
- Mm.
- So I am very happy to be on his team.
And the rest of us wouldn't be right for that show? - Yeah.
- Well, it would be nice to have you there, Jimmy, just to look pretty.
You know, just to brighten up the set.
JON: There's three of us.
We could go on, the three of us.
SEAN: Hang on, I'm just going to go through my diary here.
Oh, no, God.
- No.
Oh! - You are a busy boy, aren't you? Oh, God, no.
I'd love to, guys.
Oh! Maybe there's Oh, God, no.
It's Lammastide.
Right.
Now it's time for Jon and Henning to go head-to-head.
- Jon, your turn to choose the letters.
- Thank you, Jimmy.
I would like a vowel, please, Rachel.
Thank you, Jon.
O And I would like a consonant, please.
C And another vowel, please.
ALARM BLARES TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS APPLAUSE LAUGHTER Hello, Joe.
All right, Jimmy.
Oh, gosh.
I shouldn't really be drink-driving.
Oh, good Lord.
Why are you here, Joe? You don't work here any more.
Yeah.
God, you're thick as pig shit, aren't you? That shouldn't be smoking.
I dropped my fag in there earlier.
I'm doing a bonus round, Jimmy.
But we don't have a bonus round.
Do you not? No.
Shit.
I'll be honest with you, that's pissed me off a little bit.
I drove this up from South London.
Four months it took me! I caused 111 accidents.
And it's Fabio's birthday.
Joe, can I ask why Fabio has a toilet seat around his neck? It's what he wanted for his birthday.
He's a fucking idiot.
Come on, lads, let's go.
Jimmy's an arsehole.
- Right.
- Well, hold on.
Do you want to see the bonus round? CHEERING Piss off! No! No! No! No! ALL: Yes! I'm not doing it.
I've got some dignity, you know.
- Joe? - Mm? - I'll give you this jar of gherkins if you do it.
Go on, then! Let's play Countdown on the Hot Guy Express! TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS Hello, there.
Pop yourself on, lads.
Go on.
- Hello, there.
Hiya.
- On you pop.
You can have Gavin or Fabio.
It's up to you.
That's Gavin.
You have to sit on his lap.
OK.
- Are you all right with that? - It's cheek to balls.
Joe? - Yes, love.
- Is your train called the Hot Guy Express? Yes, it is.
Choo-choo! Are we nearly there yet? - Oh, yes.
- I'm quite a way off, if I'm honest.
APPLAUSE Right! Can you pop some letters on? Let's get on with this shit.
Yes.
Is it still Jon? No, pop them on, love.
Who gives a shit? Oh, by the way, my face is a U.
- U? - I don't make the rules.
Of course, it is.
S Hurry up, love.
I'm desperate for a piss.
R E M Oh, that's a good one.
And V.
- Let's do this.
- OK, your time starts now.
So, what do you reckon, then? APPLAUSE So, Jon, how many letters? I think a five.
- Henning? - I've got a five.
All right, Henning, what's your five? MOUSE Or ROUSE.
MOUSE or ROUSE.
Or you've got CUM with my face on it.
APPLAUSE Jon, what's your five? I think it's the only thing I'm not covered in.
MUCUS You haven't seen your back, Jon.
Well, five points to both teams.
APPLAUSE TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS I tell you what, I had a beetroot salad for tea and that was a much more uncomfortable experience for Fabio than it was for me.
Tom, could they have done any better? I was rather excited about the Hot Guy Express.
As was Susie, you know what she's like.
Six letters.
MOUSER.
MOUSER? And COVERS was another one you could have had.
Six letters, COVERS.
OK, the scores at the moment - Sean and Henning have 25, Jon and Victoria have 50.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner again.
- Tom, what have you got for us? - Welcome back.
Now, for some people, holding a hand on a hot stove is a great way for them to remind themselves that they're still alive.
Are you reaching out to Jon? Jimmy, how dare you interrupt me.
Do you want to do some sort of badinage, then? I don't really enjoy it.
Can I just say, coming on the show has absolutely screwed me up.
My brain just screamed, "Badinage, is that an anagram of beading?!" I'll never be normal again.
I shouldn't have come.
Susie, is badinage an anagram of beading? Hang on, this is my bit! This is my bit! For me, I love to go to fancy dress parties.
Now, for some people, fancy dress spells fancy stress, because they do not know who to go as.
Now, in that instance, all I would say is thank God for Jane Asher.
And that's not actually the first time I've said that this week.
Jane Asher's Fancy Dress is a bible for people who love to party .
.
but who have too much time on their hands.
Jane's first suggestion is maybe you'd like to go to a fancy dress party dressed as a soda stream.
As Jane puts it, transform some strips of polystyrene packaging material into a magical bubbling fountain.
So magical.
Mm.
Get into a passionate embrace with this one and you'll find the popping of bubbles both exciting and stress-relieving.
Right.
Now, now, if you don't like that, maybe that feels a bit strange to go dressed as that and you want something that's, I don't know, maybe a bit more fabulous, but also it's great for people who hate the Atkins diet.
This outfit is to go as a sandwich.
My mum dressed me up as that.
It's an egg salad sandwich.
My mum has that exact book and Rachel, this is my bit! You just brought back horrible memories from my childhood.
- Did you go dressed as a salad sandwich? - An egg salad sandwich.
- There are photos.
- Oh, that's nice.
So she did it? There's a circus tent in there.
She did that one as well.
Thank you, Rachel.
OK.
Pretend you didn't hear that, everybody.
If you're still not sure, now, this one you will find very surprising This final winning outfit - I think you're going to like this, Jimmy.
If you're not sure and you're feeling a bit self-conscious about what to go as, maybe you just go as a whacking great circus tent.
APPLAUSE How did I know? Finally, both a winning outfit and a solution to the housing crisis.
As Jane describes it, it is perfect for a pregnant lady.
The sight of someone pregnant is disgusting and must be hidden.
Now, remember, all you need to make these things are just 3.
5 metres of white sheeting, seven metres of trimming, two garden sticks, four paper plates, a sewing machine, a welder, a chainsaw, a five-year textiles degree, a fully equipped workshop and a small factory in Bangladesh.
Tom Allen, everyone.
- APPLAUSE - Thank you, Jimmy.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are DOG SMEAR.
The clue is - wipe it down afterwards.
That's DOG SMEAR - wipe it down afterwards.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were DOG SMEAR, the clue was - wipe it down afterwards, it was, of course, ORGASMED.
Sorry, one quick I just realised, I haven't got you - Do you want a can? - Yeah.
- Of course, darling.
Thank you.
- Sorry, that's very rude of me.
HE WHISTLES BUZZING SOUND APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER Go on, fuck off! LAUGHTER AND CHEERING - Ah! He make some noise, doesn't he? - LAUGHTER It's time for our final letters game.
Sean and Henning, your turn to choose the letters.
Rachel, Joe.
- Yes, love? - Just give us what you feel like.
- Whoo! LAUGHTER How strong is that lager? LAUGHTER - You've fallen out of your shoes.
- Yeah, yeah.
Drop the other, and you'll look as if you're coming back from a hen do.
That'll do.
- Got loads of those this year.
- Right.
- What was it? - Just do whatever you feel.
All right, I'm going to lob them about.
LAUGHTER No, stick them in the board.
On the No! APPLAUSE Ironically, someone's just been blinded in the crowd by flying I.
LAUGHTER You're doing really well.
We've got a P over here, an O, an E, a T, - an S, U - Let's fill it.
Let's bloody fill it, top and bottom.
LAUGHTER Top and bottom.
There you go, that'll do.
That'll do, won't it? - OK, so you've got extra letters to work with.
- Yeah.
All right, and your time starts, now.
That is too many.
It is too many.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It was good to get away.
I brought people pressies.
I brought everyone something.
I got you, er, Cream Collon.
LAUGHTER Get involved.
Gluten-free.
- You like sweets, don't you, Sean? - Mm.
Plopp! LAUGHTER He loves a Plopp.
Oh, sorry.
Apologies.
I got some of this.
I make this myself, actually.
It's sort of a garnish for crackers.
I don't know if you can see that.
It's Cemen Dip.
LAUGHTER I don't want that one spilled.
And then it's a hot chilli sauce with shrimp and fish.
What would you call that? Shito.
LAUGHTER Sean, how did you do? I really struggled.
I got three.
There's poets there, mate.
OK, Henning, how many did you get? LAUGHTER - Henning? - Well, I'm not much better.
All I've got is a five and that's exactly the five letters that are already there in order.
Well played, son.
Well played.
APPLAUSE Jon, what did you get? I think I got an eight.
- You think you got an eight? - Yeah.
- OK.
- Victoria? - A seven.
A seven.
OK.
Well, let's hear your three, Sean.
Well, it's, um something we all need, it's a TAP.
LAUGHTER - Victoria? - POTTIES.
- POTTIES.
- POTTIES, like babies would use.
- Jon? - PEAKIEST.
- Oh, good.
That's good.
- PEAKIEST.
Is it in there? - Susie? - Yeah, it is, yeah.
APPLAUSE Could they have done any better? Tom, Susie? - Yeah, they could've got a nine.
- What was the nine? - AUTOPISTA.
- And can you define that? No.
Susie can, though.
It's a motorway in Spain, or a Spanish-speaking country.
OK, so Sean and Henning have 25.
Jon and Victoria have 58.
APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for our "it's never been less crucial" conundrum.
Your time starts now.
What are we after? A word.
There is one.
No, that's not a word.
- Well, I never managed - Ssh.
BUZZER Is it YELLOWING? Let's take a look.
CHEERING Victoria Coren Mitchell, everyone.
So, the final scores are Jon and Henning have 25 points.
The winners, with 68 points, are Jon and Victoria.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations, you're now the proud owners of these Countdown surfboards.
CHEERING Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE