According To Jim s08e01 Episode Script

1 Cheryl! Cheryl! Shh! Shh! I just got the babies to sleep.
What did you do? My shirt got me.
Oh.
Oh, the light! I'm sorry, honey.
I'm just so tired Being up all night with the twins.
You weren't up once.
What are you talkin' about? When you got up, you woke me up.
And when you walk, your bones crack.
How old are you? Oh! I'm tired.
You're tired? I'm the one raising three kids and two babies.
You don't even get to use the word "tired.
" How about "I got a job"? Can I use the words "mortgage, bills, college fund"? All right, I can't say that word.
You know, Jim, you can say whatever words you want, 'cause I will just say breast-feeding and c-section.
All right, don't try to confuse me by saying "breast.
" Oh, you know, I-I am not gonna have this fight now.
I don't want to have it either.
No, no, no, no.
Listen, I got a bears game to watch this afternoon, and they never win when I'm tired! Are you planning on sitting downstairs all day watching television? Of course not, honey.
I'm gonna go to a bar.
Come on.
I can't concentrate with those kids screamin' down there.
Oh! What the hell is that? Stupid video game you got them.
Go, go, go.
They're gonna wake the babies.
Oh, just when I got 'em down! I got 'em down! Okay, cool, fine.
It's yours.
Hey! Hey, hey! The babies are sleeping.
Keep it down.
Keep it down.
Keep it down! What are you doing? - We were rocking the house.
- Yeah, well, if you wake up those babies, you're gonna be rockin' a box under the bridge.
Look at what you did! Cheryl? I hear the babies crying.
Thanks for the update, Jim.
Not a fan of that tone, Cheryl.
didn't you hear what I said? Why can't we play? The babies are up anyways.
Cheryl.
Cheryl! All right, that's it.
Look, you have upset your mother, and that's with a full night's rest.
All right, everybody, listen up.
I am leaving.
I'll be gone for hours.
I'm not gonna tell you where I'm going, so don't call me.
Good-bye.
Well, w-wait a second, Cheryl.
I think you forgot something.
What might that be, Jim? Well, the--the babies, your other kids, the laundry, and I got a bears game on at noon.
I didn't forget.
I haven't slept for weeks.
I am at my limit.
Are you leaving because of us, mommy? Absolutely.
You see, a few years ago I would have lied to spare your feelings, but those days are gone.
Wait, wait.
Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl.
Cheryl, you can't go.
Why? Because we're a team.
All right, I didn't believe that either.
Good-bye.
Cheryl, listen to that! Crap, crap, crap, crap.
This Jonathan cries all day long, honey.
With my weak heart, you can come back here-- I-I may be dead.
If he cries, pick him up or give him this.
This is his snowman blankie.
If you lose this, you'll wish you were dead.
And for making me cross the room unnecessarily, I'm gonna stay out an extra hour.
Don't follow me.
You broke your mother.
What are we gonna do, daddy? We all gotta take some responsibility in this house.
All right, now, you kids, you watch the twins while I go make lunch.
Can we have grilled cheese? I didn't say I was making lunch for you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, Ruby, Gracie, come on.
The kickoff's in five minutes.
I need you to watch the babies.
Oh! Look at that, huh? All right.
Here.
That's it.
Grab it.
Oh.
Act like it's your mommy's boob.
Come on, grab it.
All right.
All right.
All right.
See, Jonathan? That's called using your head.
Oh, my god.
It's game time.
Okay.
All right, I'm gonna put you down.
Okay? Look at Gordon.
See? Why can't you be happy and quiet like Gordon? But no, you gotta be the difficult one.
All right.
Let me just give you that little blankie of yours, all right? Where's the blankie? Gordon, you have it? Where's the blankie? Hi! Hi! Hi.
All right, all right, all right, all right.
I got you.
Ohh.
Jonathan, I can't hold you for the whole game.
I might spike you by accident.
Oh! Man, oh, man.
Is there anything better than 10.
5 hours of sleep? Answer--2-hour nap after breakfast.
Shut your yap and help me find this stupid baby's stupid snowman blankie.
You know, Jim, you'd get more flies with honey.
Kids, get down here! They were supposed to watch the babies during the game.
Now I can't even find 'em, and then they lost the kid's blankie! Well, just draw a snowman on a paper towel.
He won't know.
Babies are idiots.
I thought so, too, but they know! It's like they're people.
This blankie is like you and that stupid stuffed elephant you had as a kid.
Lord tuskington is not stupid.
He's a lifelong companion, and if I rub his ears, he takes me to dreamland.
Oh, come on.
Kids? God.
Where have you been? You're supposed to watch the baby.
Where--where you been? We finished that, so we decided to go watch TV.
You lost his blankie.
Gracie! Ruby! Kyle! All right, look, everybody's gotta pitch in here and have some responsibilities, and you guys just dropped the ball.
Oh, finally! Finally you three rats get what's comin' to ya! Beat 'em, Jim.
Beat 'em.
Beat 'em with a belt.
Andy just settle down here, all right? And promise you'll never have children.
Why not? 44 inches of reversible pleather make for very obedient kids.
Andy! Fine, 56.
All right, kids, you are not responsible enough to watch your brothers, so I gotta care for 'em.
So you're gonna do my jobs.
Drink coffee and read the paper? Okay, Ruby, start making dinner.
Gracie, laundry.
Kyle, upstairs.
Make the bed, clean the trash and pick up these toys.
We're sorry we lost the blankie, dad.
I don't want to hear "sorry.
" I want to hear vacuuming, scrubbing and whatever sound a meat loaf makes.
Damn it.
If I don't find that blankie, Andy, we're gonna have to hold him for the whole game.
Hey, w-what about taking him for a drive? That usually calms him down.
Yeah.
That is a great idea.
Andy, that is great.
Oh.
Uncle Andy.
Okay, you can take my truck.
Just have him back at the end of the game.
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, my god.
Look at that.
His blankie.
I've had it the whole time.
I must have put it in my pocket when I was putting stuff in my pocket.
Wow! You yelled at your kids for no reason.
I think someone owes them an apology.
I don't owe them nothin'.
They never pitch in around here.
I finally got 'em up and workin'.
Dad? And I intend to keep it that way.
Yes? Do you want mashed potatoes with the meat loaf? Why, yes, I want mashed potatoes with my meat loaf, and some gravy.
Don't you think that's dishonest? Ruby? And make sure there's enough for uncle Andy.
Yeah, and bake a cake.
It's my half birthday.
You heard the man.
Hop to it! Ooh! Nice, urlacher.
Nice, nice tackle.
All right, settle down, Jonathan.
- That's my boy.
- Dad? Oh, jeez.
I'm done with the laundry.
You finished the laundry? Good girl.
But you didn't find the blankie that you lost.
You know what? Maybe it's at the bottom of the diaper pail.
Why don't you clean it, honey? Hey, Jim, what's, uh, what's Kyle doing up on the roof? Oh, uh, partly looking for the blankie and partly puttin' Santa and the reindeer up.
Good job.
You gonna have 'em do the lights? Oh, come on, Andy.
That's not safe.
You know what, Jim? I've been thinking about this new workforce we have available.
I mean, Ruby's cooking is nice, but her meat loaf won't fetch the dead pigeon out of my crawl space.
Well I'm hearing a man who's looking to make a deal.
All right.
I'm reasonable.
I'll rent my kids.
What is the offer? Mm.
Now we're talkin'.
The kids work whenever I need them, and in exchange, I don't rat you out to Cheryl.
Come on! What kind of low, dirty deal is that? I make you an honest offer of slave labor, and you try to extort me? The way I see it, I hold all the cards here.
Now tell Gracie to get some matches.
I got a burnt-out pilot light that her tiny fingers just might reach.
You know, I've got some tiny fingers that'll go right through your nose.
Oh! Oh, you gonna play some hardball? Uh-huh.
Hey, honey, you're back.
Yeah, well, I got halfway to my ex-boyfriend's house.
I started to feel guilty.
Come on.
- Spent the day at a spa, and it was just what I needed.
- Great.
Wow, the place looks great.
Doesn't it? Oh, there are my babies.
Mm-hmm.
And do I smell dinner? Yep.
Oh, it is so cute.
Kyle's out front making snow angels.
You know, Jim, you have got to tell me your secret.
Well, uh, it's, uh Yeah, yeah, Jim, tell her.
I would, but, uh, I'm drawing a blankie.
Will you knock it off? I just want to wet my beak-- some laundry, some light dusting and a casserole of my choosing.
No deal! Forget it! All right, what's going on? Um Mm? Your husband, a man I've never liked Lost Jonathan's blankie And then blamed the kids for it.
Oh.
He then found the blankie, hid it and guilted the kids into doing all the work around here.
Jim That is genius.
What? No.
No.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
No, no, it's--it's--it's evil.
Unh-unh.
It's only genius if I get a piece.
You heard the girl! It's genius.
Get out.
Okay, come on.
Please, come on.
Out! A casserole and a car wash.
Out! A-a sandwich and a back rub.
Out! A cracker and a back scratch! A pleasant smile! Something! Out! Okay, wait, wait, wait, Jim.
Be reasonable.
I think Andy deserves a pleasant smile.
Ow! All right, the babies are asleep.
Oh, great, great, great.
You didn't forget the blankie, did ya? 'Cause if the kids find it, we're screwed.
Mama don't make mistakes like that.
You know, Jonathan spit up on that earlier.
That's all right.
He spit up in here, too.
Shh, shh! They're coming.
Get the blankie.
Get the blankie! Oh! Hide it.
Hide it.
Get in bed.
Get in bed.
Get in bed.
Here you go.
Ah.
Ah, ah.
Thank you.
Oh, thanks, kids, but for the record, 12:15 means 12:15.
Mm-hmm.
You know, the only thing better than breakfast in bed is lunch in bed.
You know, I wonder if there's anything better than lunch in bed.
Perhaps we'll find out at 6:00.
Are you guys ever going to get up? I don't know, honey.
We're really tired.
Took us a long time to get your brother to sleep last night.
Mm-hmm.
You know, without his blankie.
Remember, kids, how you lost his blankie? Well, they're sleeping now.
Well, sometimes they fall asleep from fatigue and sibling neglect.
Sorry.
But I'm defrosting some short ribs for dinner.
Oh, great! Oh, hey, listen, um, there's a funny noise in daddy's car.
Can you check under the hood for me? To fewer kids and more servants.
Oh, look at you workin' so hard.
What is this, an orphanage? What a shame, especially when it's completely unnecessary.
If you've got a point, get to it, fatty.
We've got windows to do.
Look I have some information you're gonna want.
But to get it, I need a little light shoveling and a pilot light relit in a poorly ventilated closet that may or may not have spiders.
Deal.
You never lost the blankie.
Your dad had it in his pocket the whole time.
Oh, my gosh.
Our parents are jerks.
I've never liked them.
What do we do? Ooh, lucky for you, you got one good uncle with one spectacular plan.
What is it? Oh, no, no, no.
We can talk while you clear a possum nest out of my chimney.
Now move it.
Cheryl, the twins are gonna be up in a minute.
Where's the blankie? I'm gonna need it.
It's under your pillow.
Nope, not here.
Yeah, that's where I put it.
Well, it's not there now.
Check your bra.
It's not there.
Let me check.
Oh, Jim! Here.
It's here.
It's gotta be! It's here! I know it is! Looking for something? Uh No, we're just, uh, making the bed.
Which is really a job for the kids.
Hop to it.
Come on.
I don't think so.
Those days are over.
What are you talkin' about? Maybe this picture will explain.
It's the blankie With today's newspaper! Get yourselves cleaned up and come downstairs.
We'll talk business while you cook short ribs.
Andy's right.
Get the belt.
What kind of parents lie to their children and blackmail them into doing all the housework? It was her idea.
I love you all.
Me? I was just getting a massage and a seaweed wrap.
Hey, who wants their next birthday party at the spa? Ooh! Me, me, me! Kyle.
Hey, if you fell off the roof, you'd want a massage, too.
L-let's cut to the chase.
What do you guys want for the blankie? I'm sure we can work somethin' out.
We'll start with no more cooking.
Or cleaning or laundry.
And I really want that spa birthday.
Deal.
Deal.
Where's the blankie? Where's the blankie? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no, no deal yet.
What? What? No, you can't negotiate without seeing the blankie.
Jim, they're serious.
I am serious, too! If we give in to this right now, then it's just gonna open a panda's box.
They're gonna want tvs, days off from school and vaccinations.
I want to see the blankie! I want to see the blankie now! Okay, okay, everybody, be cool.
Give them what they want, or I do this blankie right now.
That voice is familiar.
Yeah.
So is that double chin.
What can I do you for? Andy, is this you? You called me.
You know who it is.
Damn it! He's probably got that blankie across the street right now! Ha ha! You think you're so smart? I'm not across the street.
Damn it! Okay, okay, okay! Hey, hey, look, look.
What, what, what? We can still keep the blankie for ourselves just as long as the kids and Cheryl don't find out.
I like where you're going.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
The kids--they're idiots.
Cheryl's gonna be the tough one to fool.
Oh, please.
I act dumb, but she's the slow one.
We can see you! Damn it! All right, we admit we may have taken things a little too far lately.
Well, I wanted to tone it down, but your mother kind of ran with it.
Anyway, the truth is, we're now a family of seven, and the only way we're gonna survive is by all pitching in together.
That's right, and while maybe it wasn't right for us to trick you into doing things, you know, with mommy's sneaky plan Got to admit, you guys really made a difference around here.
- It felt good to help out.
- Yeah.
Sure it did.
You didn't have to clean out a diaper pail.
And you didn't have to get bit by a possum.
Okay, look, the point is, is we are a family, and we stick together.
And now daddy and I are gonna spend a day relaxing.
Mm-hmm.
What? No fair.
Calm down.
I got you some help.
Your stupid johnnycakes are ready.
Awesome! Seriously, we get our own servant? Yes! Get the belt.
Here, take mine.
Aah! Aah!