Dad's Army (1968) s08e01 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Oh, I ain't half excited.
I'm so excited at tea, I could hardly eat a thing.
Mum was ever so surprised when I told her I was going to be a film star.
Rubbish.
Rubbish.
I think I'll play my part like Ronald Colman in that film Under Two Flags.
I might even grow a moustache.
For goodness sake, son.
Hold your wheesht! This film is never going to be shown in any cinema.
It's just a cheap training film made for the Home Guard.
Well, when we was in the Sudan fighting the fuzzy-wuzzy, we never had no film.
Surely, they weren't invented then.
No, that's why we never had no film.
(STERNLY) Men of the Home Guard, we are facing a cunning and ruthless enemy Hmm (RELAXED) Men of the Home Guard Wonder which is my best side? Perhaps it's better with the hat off.
Oh, no, perhaps not.
-Good evening, sir.
-Ah, Wilson.
Wilson, which would you say was my best side? -Perhaps you just haven't got a best side, sir.
-Really? What I'm trying to say, sir, is one side is no better than the other.
I mean, I'm sorry, no worse than the other.
-I mean, they're both just the same.
-Yes, all right.
Anyway, I wouldn't worry, sir, if I was you.
I'm told they can do absolute wonders with make-up.
-Lipstick? Powder? -Yes.
That sort of thing, yes, sort of.
I'm not having any of that muck on my face.
Well, you know, it does accentuate one's good points and, in your case, it might help you, you know, to bring out the firm, craggy line of your jaw.
-You really think so? -Yes.
Craggy, eh? Might also, you know, be able to get rid of your double chin.
Now, look here, Wilson, they want men on this film.
-Not a lot of painted nancy boys.
-Yes, I know, sir.
I know.
I can't understand why they're not using, you know, proper actors.
I mean, Jack Buchanan would take my part awfully well.
You rather fancy you look like Jack Buchanan, don't you? Well, somebody once said, you know.
Years ago it was, of course There is not the slightest resemblance, believe me, in either speech or appearance.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Come in.
Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes, what is it, Pike? -The Colonel's here with the film people.
Ah, good.
Hey, you know, he doesn't look like a film producer at all.
I thought he'd be wearing those riding breeches and having a whip like Erich von Stroheim.
Don't be stupid.
-What's the matter with your eyes? -Nothing.
You've got a dirty mark on your upper lip.
Wipe it off.
-Good evening, sir.
-Good evening, Mainwaring.
-Permission to speak, sir.
-Yes.
While you were out and in your absence I took the liberty of falling in the platoon for inspection by the Colonel and the film people.
-Yes, thank you, Jones.
-Yes, sir.
You don't mind, sir? You did want them to be looked at by the film people? Yes, yes, I did, Jones.
Thank you.
The platoon do look all right to be looked at by the film people, don't they, sir? Yes, yes, yes, all right.
Just as long as they get an all round picture of the platoon.
Very good, sir.
Very good, sir.
Platoon, about turn! About turn! About turn! What are you doing? What are you doing? Well, you said you wanted an all round picture, sir.
Oh, really, Jones.
Platoon, about turn! He's very keen, sir.
Very keen.
MAINWARING: Fall in, Pike! Now, Mainwaring, this is the production assistant from the Crown Film Unit, Mr Forster.
Hello, squire.
I'd like you to meet our costume lady, Mrs Beal.
Hello, dear.
Just call me Queenie.
How do you do? -This is Sergeant Wilson.
-How awfully nice to meet you.
-Ooh, hello.
-Hello.
I don't understand this at all, sir.
Why do we want costumes? We've got our own uniforms.
Well, Mainwaring, your chaps won't be Home Guards they're playing the Nazis.
The Nazis! I'm not having my men blazoned across the screen in German uniforms.
Well, it's nothing to worry about, squire.
All your stuff is in what we call long shot.
-In the distance.
-In the distance? Yeah, on the screen you won't be much bigger than that.
There you are, sir.
You needn't have worried about the make-up after all.
-Is that all we have to do? -Yeah, that's all, squire.
Yes, the rest of the film's being made at the Gaumont-British studios.
The Captain and the Sergeant are being played by actors who gave their services free.
As a matter of fact, Jack Hulbert's playing the Captain and Jack Buchanan the Sergeant.
(WILSON LAUGHING) Fancy that! Jack Buchanan playing the Sergeant.
Goodness me.
Oh, yes.
I measured him for his uniform yesterday.
-Did you? -Lovely bloke, he is.
Just like you, Sarge.
You're a dead ringer for him.
Yes? Who are we gonna have for the officer? I shall be the officer, of course.
I'm sure Captain Mainwaring will make an excellent German officer.
Couldn't make a worse mess of it than he does as a British officer.
-Run your tape over him, Queenie.
-Yeah, all right.
Get your arms up, dear.
Ooh, dear! Oh, I say.
-Ridiculous.
-Oh, I couldn't do him.
-Out of the question.
-Ooh, I just couldn't do him, dear.
Look at those feet.
I've never seen such tiny feet.
I ain't got no jackboots that size! Tiny? He's got girl's feet.
Couldn't you have a uniform made for me? We couldn't even get one made for Conrad Veidt.
There's a war on, you know.
I'm sorry, squire.
It's like this, you see, we've only got two officer's uniforms and it's a question of getting the men to fit the uniforms.
-Have a look round, Queenie.
-Yeah, all right.
-Can I have a word with you, sir? -Yes, certainly, Mainwaring.
Now, look here, sir, I refuse to have anything further to do with this film.
Now don't be difficult, Mainwaring.
Your men are playing the Nazis and that's an order.
However, I respect your feelings so you needn't take any part in it.
Just stand on the touchline and look after your men.
Thank you, sir.
I got you two officers, dear.
This one and this one.
Oh, he's isn't half like Jack Buchanan, isn't he? You'll make a lovely officer.
Now who's going to be the sergeant? Come on, sonny boy, get your arms up.
You ought to be In pIctures You're wonderful to see You ought to be In pIctures, how beautIful You know, I feel a right soppy twerp.
Wearing this ridiculous get-up.
And you notice, Mainwaring got out of it just because he couldn't be an officer.
Big jesse.
Why shouldn't he look a fool like all the rest of us? Mr Frazer, I don't think you look a fool.
I think that helmet makes you look like an eagle.
Rubbish.
Rubbish.
General Kitchener'd turn in his grave if he could see me in this uniform.
He couldn't abide German uniforms, you know.
''Hun helmets look like saucepans,'' he used to say.
I'll never forget the day I brought a German prisoner to him and this German, he started grovelling before him.
He said, ''How dare you grovel before me ''with that saucepan on your head? ''Take it off, my man!'', he ejaculated.
And the German, he said, ''NeIn, neIn, meIn General.
''I cannot, I cannot.
It is stuck.
'' ''Well,'' said the General, in a jocular frame of mind, ''if that saucepan is stuck on your head, you'd better go and boil your head.
'' He was a very witty man sometimes, you know.
SchweInehundI (IN A GERMAN ACCENT) So we are the masters now, eh? You have just five seconds to tell us your plans or else it is kaputt.
I like being an officer.
Don't you, Uncle Arthur? These uniforms are awfully smart, aren't they? They really do something for one, don't you think? I think we ought to strut and swagger.
Come on, let's practise strutting and swaggering.
That's awfully good, Frank.
-Very good indeed.
-Come on, you strut and swagger.
Oh, no, I don't think I will.
I'm not awfully good at sort of strutting and swaggering, you know.
-Could do a goose step.
-What? A goose step? -Go on, do a goose step.
-What, like Oh! (IN A GERMAN ACCENT) He's very good, no, Mainwaring? I sometimes wonder where your loyalties lie, Wilson.
Really, sir, I mean these uniforms are so smart, don't you think? I mean, they suit any figure.
The sooner this film nonsense is over, the better.
-Go and fall the men in.
-All right, sir.
All right, fall in, will you? Fall in, please.
Three ranks.
Quick as you can, fellas.
All right, good.
Now Fall in, Pike.
Did you hear what I said? Fall in.
I'm an officer.
I'm not going to fall in with all the other privates.
Officers should be treated with respect, no matter what their nationality.
Says so in the Geneva Convention.
If you don't stop fooling about, I shall send you home.
Fall in.
-Now, pay attention -Permission to speak, sir.
I should like to un-volunteer to be a German sergeant.
I've wanted all my life to have these two extra stripes, but this is too high a price to pay.
Aye, it's all wrong.
I shouldn't have to wear this ridiculous helmet.
I appreciate your feelings.
But we are under orders to take part in this film so we've just got to get on with it.
Excuse me, sir.
My uniform has got ''Bermen'' written on it.
I do hope it's been cleaned.
You never know where these Germans have been.
I shouldn't worry too much, Godfrey.
They're not real uniforms, you know, they're theatrical costumes.
Mr Mainwaring, how will people know that we are Home Guards dressed as Nazis and not real ones? That's a very good point, Pike.
The Colonel's given me instructions for absolute security.
No one must see you.
So you'll stay inside the van and I will drive you there and back.
You can come out now, it's all clear.
(ORDERING IN GERMAN) Stop being a fool, boy.
And take that stupid thing out of your eye.
Excuse me, sir.
-You're quite sure we're in the right place? -Of course I'm sure.
Well, it's awfully deserted.
Oughtn't there to be lots of lights and cameras and things? Oh, these film people are always late.
Most unreliable.
They spend most of their time lounging around drinking cocktails.
Corporal Jones! -Yes, sir.
-The men can eat their sandwiches.
Right.
Do as the officer says, eat your sandwiches.
-Uncle Arthur.
-Hmm? I don't think we ought to eat our sandwiches with the other men.
-Why not? -Well, we're officers, aren't we? Let's you and I go off by ourselves and eat them on our own.
-Oh, don't be absurd, Frank.
-Hello, squire.
Sorry about this but the film has been postponed till next week.
-Postponed? -Yes, spot of bother with Jack and Cis.
-Jack and Cis? -Jack Hulbert and Cecily Courtneidge.
Yeah, they're doing a show next week so we're filming all Jack's stuff this week.
Do you mean to say we've been shut in that van on a hot day like this, wearing these stupid clothes, and a couple of bloomin' actors decide they're no coming? -All right, all right, Frazer.
-I'm sorry about this, squire, but Jack insists on being with Cis and Cis insists on being with Jack.
-They're always together.
-Yes, they're inseparable.
I was reading in a newspaper only last week they're the happiest couple in show business.
Yeah, I read that, too, Mr Godfrey.
Jack's the boy, eh? # Oh, If I crawl up the window They've nothing else to do MAINWARING: Be quiet, Jones.
Do you realise that we are fighting a war upon which the whole of civilisation depends? That at this moment the entire might of the German army is poised across the Channel ready to strike, and you drag us, frontline troops, about a fool's errand like this, -just because Cis insists.
-I'm sorry, squire.
Must keep the stars happy, you know.
I'll see you next week, eh? This is outrageous, Wilson.
I shall phone GHQ at once.
-What a pity, we can't do any shooting.
-Shooting? Yes, exactly, shooting.
-It's a sort of technical term for filming.
-Get back on the van, Wilson.
You ought to be In pIctures You're wonderful to see You ought to be In pIctures How beautIful you would be Your voIce would thrIll a natIon This isn't a game, boy! Get inside.
You ought to shIne as brIghtly #As JupIter and Mars You ought to be In pIctures My star of stars Now listen, Wilson.
I'm going across to that phone box to ring GHQ.
Whatever you do, don't get out of the van.
I don't want anybody to see you in these uniforms.
It's like an oven in here, you know.
Mr Godfrey's looking a bit pale, sir.
He must have some fresh air.
Well, open the back door a few inches and push his face against the crack.
I won't be long.
-How's that, Mr Godfrey? -A little better I think, thank you.
Hey, what about me? -I want some fresh air as well, you know.
-Well, you can't have any.
Didn't you hear what Captain Mainwaring said? No one's got to see us in these uniforms.
Rubbish.
How dare you, Frazer, disobey Captain Mainwaring's orders? You've exposed us to the whole world.
-Uncle Arthur.
-Yeah.
That pub don't half look nice.
-I'm ever so thirsty, I couldn't half do with a drink.
-Yeah, so could I.
But Captain Mainwaring said that nobody was to leave the van.
Well, he's only a Home Guard officer.
-We're officers of the Germans.
-Yeah.
Yes.
-Yes, I suppose we are.
-Come on, then.
Let's go and have a drink.
No one will see us, come on.
Come on.
Oh, it's all right, Uncle Arthur.
There's nobody here.
Good, good.
-We shouldn't do this, Sergeant Wilson.
-Well, what are you gonna have? -A pint.
-Right.
Have a quick drink and then we can get back on the van.
-Mainwaring will be on the phone for ages.
-I'll order the drinks.
-All right, you do that.
-Good morning, gentlemen.
Good morning.
What can I get (IN GERMAN ACCENT) Good afternoon, meIn host.
Sixteen shandies mIt the ginger beer.
(STAMMERING) -Pints or halfs? -Pints.
Pints.
The ginger beer Frank, do stop playing the fool.
I'm very tired and I'm very thirsty.
-Doris.
-Yes, Mr Palthorpe? Doris, I've got 1 6 Nazis out there in the bar.
And they want 1 6 shandies.
Ginger beer.
Well, it's a hot day, they're probably thirsty.
Oh, yes, I never thought of that.
What are you talking about? Did you hear what I said? -1 6 Nazi paratroopers in the bar.
-Don't be daft! Well, look for yourself, girl.
Careful.
They're not Nazis, they're a lot of old men.
Well, of course, they're disguised as old men so as they won't look like Nazis.
Well, if they don't want to look like Nazis, why are they wearing Nazi uniforms? What are you talking about? Get out in the village, quick.
Now tell the police and rouse the village and don't make a noise.
Go on, out now! Don't stand Shh! Don't stand there.
Well, nice bit of weather you've brought with you, gentlemen.
Wilson? Jones? I thought so.
-Wilson! What are you playing at? -Terribly sorry, sir, but I We all felt rather thirsty so we thought we'd have a quick drink.
You'll give the whole game away.
People'll think we're really Germans.
-Oh, no, no.
-Ginger beer.
I say, landlord, come here.
Look, I'm sure it seems rather odd to you to see everybody dressed as Germans, but I don't need to tell you, do I, -that they're not really Germans? -No.
No.
Even so, I wouldn't breathe a word of it to anyone if I were you because, you know, they might get the wrong idea, all right? -You do understand, don't you? -Yes.
Outside, everybody.
(IN A GERMAN ACCENT) Come on, everybody outside! Into the van.
Come on, into the van, quickly as you can, before anybody sees you.
Come along.
See? Hey! Go on.
Don't stand there like a pudding.
Do something.
-You're letting them get away.
-What do you expect me to do? -Well, you're a special constable.
Arrest them.
-What, all of them? Well, arrest that British Officer, then.
He's a quisling.
A collaborator! It's a very delicate situation.
-Go and have a word, will you? -Come on, we're behind you.
Go and speak to him.
-Catch him, quick.
-Excuse me, sir.
Might I have a word with you? -Yes, what is it, Officer? -Might I have a word with you? -I'd like to ask you a few questions.
-Yes? May I ask what you're doing with a butcher's van full of Germans? I can assure you they're not Germans.
SchweInehundI Get out of the way at once.
Do you hear me? (IMITATING GUNFIRE) Go back inside the van.
I shan't tell you again.
Youthful high spirits.
Well, I'm not afraid of them, even if you are.
You're a quisling! -No, madam.
No, no.
-A traitor.
That's what you are.
(ALL CLAMOURING) There's someone knocking on the side of the van.
Stop him! Stop him! -Wait.
Stop him! -Stop.
Hey, stop! Don't let him get away.
All right, all right.
Keep calm.
I'll take charge of this.
We must warn England.
Mr Palthorpe, they are making for Walmington-On-Sea.
You get in touch with the Home Guard there and tell them and I'll ring the superintendent, Eastbourne Police Station.
Keep calm! Keep calm! Look, it clearly states there that I have the booking of the hall every Thursday night.
Why was it changed and given to Mainwaring? Mr Mainwaring told me he'd spoken to you, Mr Hodges.
-He never said a word to me.
-What should I do about it, Your Reverence? Oh, well, you'll have to sort that out yourself, Mr Yeatman.
Don't worry me, I'm trying to write my sermon.
Look, when Mainwaring gets back, I'm gonna have a few words to say to him.
(PHONE RINGING) Answer the telephone, would you, Mr Hodges? -Hello? -Hello.
-Walmington-On-Sea Home Guard? -They're not here.
Wait, don't go away.
I've got an urgent message for them.
Uh, there's 1 6 Nazi paratroopers on their way over there.
Who are you? I'm Mr Palthorpe, the landlord of the Six Bells.
Yeah, now look, did you hear what I said? Nazi paratroopers, a party of them, and they're led by a British officer.
He's a quisling.
So tell the Home Guard and warn England! -Cor blimey! -What's the matter? What's the matter, Mr Hodges? Well, it's that landlord of the Six Bells, sounds as if he's had a right skinful.
Blabbering something about a lot of Germans led by a British officer.
Oh, dear, the evils of drink.
Yes, indeed, Your Reverence.
MAINWARING: Fall out, men.
Right, there's Napoleon now.
Now, I'm gonna get the booking of this hall sorted out once and for all.
-Come on, Vicar.
-Look, I'm trying to write my sermon.
Look, it's your hall.
Come on! Look, stop haggling me, Mr Hodges.
You know I can't stand that sort of thing.
Look, come on, get out.
And you.
Go on, get out.
Go on.
Germans.
Now, pay attention, men.
I know you're all as disappointed as I am that we weren't able to do any shooting today.
Perhaps we shall have better luck next week.
In the meantime, I must impress on you how secret all this is.
I don't want any repetition of what happened in the public house this morning.
We must not be seen in these uniforms.
They must be hidden away until they're needed for shooting.
I can't believe my eyes.
That landlord wasn't drunk.
It's Mainwaring.
He's a quisling.
-A traitor.
-Oh, no.
They'll shoot us.
Yeah, they'll shoot us.
(WHISPERING) We'll sound the alarm! Yeah.
Yes.
The church bells.
Now, quick.
Quick, Mr Hodges, lock the door.
What peal should we use, Your Reverence? Oh, you stupid fellow, just ring the bells.
-Yes, but -Look, don't argue, just pull the ropes! -Come on.
-Get it down, quick.
-Right.
That's all, men.
Dismiss.
-Thank you, sir.
(CHURCH BELLS TOLLING) Good heavens.
The church bells.
-It's the bells.
-It must be the invasion.
The Germans are coming, don't panic.
The Germans are coming! The Germans are coming! Calm down.
Somebody must have seen us in these uniforms and thought we were real Germans.
The whole countryside will be up in arms.
We must stop those bells.
Follow me.
It's locked.
Stop ringing the bells! Stop the bells! We're not real Germans! We're not real Germans! -Break it down.
-Right, sir.
They're trying to get in.
Ring louder! Stop! That's not doing any good.
No, no, it's no good.
They can't hear you because of the sound of the bells.
-Phone up GHQ, tell them it's a false alarm.
-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
-Permission to speak, sir.
-Yes.
Why don't you shoot the lock off? -That's a good idea.
-For heaven's sake, don't do that, sir.
You might hit one of the bell ringers.
Ah.
Well done, Wilson.
Wondered who'd spot that one first.
-Sir, couldn't you put a note under the door? -Yes, that's a good idea, Godfrey.
-Right, take a note, Jones.
-A note, sir? Oh.
Oh, right, sir.
Right, sir.
I didn't expect to have to write down anything, sir.
Right, ''Stand clear.
'' ''Stand clear.
'' ''I'm shooting the lock off.
'' ''I'm shooting the lock off.
'' -''Yours sincerely'' -Oh, never mind.
-Get it under the door.
-Under the door.
Coming under the door! Hold on, Captain Mainwaring! No! If we shoot the lock off, we'll have to pay for the damage.
Stand clear, everybody.
-Still locked.
-WILSON: Just a minute, sir! It was bolted.
How did you get in here? Through the vestry, sir, but there's still nobody about.
-Captain Mainwaring.
-Yes.
Look.
MAINWARING: What are you doing up there? Hodges, this is no time for fooling about.
Come down at once.
You flipping hooligans! Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes? -Oh, hello.
I managed to get through to the GHQ.
-Spoke to the Brigadier in person.
-What did he say? Well, there was three battalions of Coldstream Guards on their way and a whole armoured division, but we managed to stop them.
-Well done, Pike.
-Yeah.
The whole of the South Coast is on red alert! And the Brigadier, he wants to know what blithering idiot was responsible.
So I've made an appointment for you tomorrow morning, 1 0:30.
You stupid boy.