Futurama s08e01 Episode Script

1
[mysterious music]
[dramatic sting]
PROFESSOR:
Professor's lab notes, final entry.
Time has been frozen
for an unknown length of time.
With no time to lose,
I began tunneling through time
in search of Fry and Leela,
only to find them suffering
from a case of extreme old.
Horrified,
I offered to reset the universe
to the instant before time stopped.
They could be young once more.
Still grotesquely ugly, but young.
What do you say?
- Wanna go around again?
- I do.
♪♪
[zap, whirring]
[zap, whirring]
D-Did someone switch
the universe off and on?
- It feels like we got rebooted!
- Ugh! Why is my beer stale?
[spitting]
[gargling] Yay!
I'm sharing backwash with friends!
Well, whatever happened [bottle shatters]
the important thing is
it will never, ever happen
[slowing down] again.
[dramatic music]
[clanging]
- ZOIDBERG: Robot?
- Nah, I'm just yankin' your ass.
We're back, baby! [puffing]
[exhales]
[all cheering]
[theme song playing]
[hooting]
♪♪
PROFESSOR:
Good news, everyone!
[dramatic sting]
[all gasp]
My new wrinkle cream has arrived!
Also, we seem to have survived
a massive disruption
in the flow of time.
Did we get older? Younger?
- Science holds no answers.
- Does science know what year it is?
Science knows everything!
Let's check the atomic calendar.
[beeping] Hermes,
move that espresso maker
out of the way of the atomic calendar!
[straining]
Good lord!
It's the year 3023!
[boom]
Finally. I thought
he'd never stop yammering.
PROFESSOR:
Oh, I've only just begun yammering!
[strained] I shall now expound
on the science of explosive botulism.
♪♪
Have I really spent
23 years in the future?
We call it the present, but spluttever.
Twenty-three years,
and I've achieved nothing.
- Nothing!
- It's really sad, if you think about it.
[laughing]
Yeah. Laugh all you want,
but I've wasted enough of my life.
It's time I set myself a goal.
[continues laughing]
- Stop it!
- Ow! [burbling]
But he said laugh all you want!
I don't care. If Fry wants
to set a goal for himself,
we should support him,
not point and laugh.
Oh, right. I forgot to point.
[laughing]
- Ow!
- ZOIDBERG: Ow.
♪♪
[sighs]
Life's goal, life's goal
Have you considered donating
your legs to the legless?
Or destroying documents
for the shredder-less?
Let's leave this up to Fry.
He just needs a little peace and quiet.
Not on my watch!
[turns on TV]
[Hypnotoad droning]
- That's it! I've got my goal!
- And so quickly!
- What is it?
- J, Philip I. Fry.
I-I mean, I, Philip J. Fry,
hereby pledge to watch
every TV show ever made!
[groans]
[clicking]
I don't know, meatbag.
There's a mighty deep diaper
of content out there.
I eat diapers for breakfast.
It'll take a lot of sitting,
but with the world's fourth-most
popular streaming service,
I can do it.
I'm subscribing to
Fulu!
[typing]
[beeping]
[clicking]
Leela, aren't you gonna stop this?
I should, but I don't wanna
crush his dreams.
- Hermes, can you crush his dreams?
- Oh, no.
You're not fobbing
that girlfriend duty off on me.
A lifetime of laziness
gives me a huge head start.
[beeping]
Watched it. Watched it.
Hate-watched it.
Hate-watched it twice.
Kif has a single friend.
His name is Zapp.
Stop. I said I would support
Fry's dumb goal, and I will.
- I say go for it.
- Thanks, Leela. Ooh!
The Scary Mirror!
That sounds scary.
[scary theme playing]
SCARY DOOR ANNOUNCER:
You're entering a show that is slightly different
from previous, very similar shows.
[shatters]
What was once a creepy story about a book
is now about an E-reader
that's too greasy to hold.
And that one with the phone call
from the devil?
Now, it's a FaceTime call from the devil.
The devil part didn't change.
[beeping, buzz]
Prepare to see
your unflattering reflection in
The Scary Mirror.
[shatters]
♪♪
Hey, Sniri!
Get off your fat squiggle
and make me a dinner reservation
at Impassable Burger!
And check the price of my NFTs
'cause I'm an important tech guy!
SNIRI: Reservation confirmed.
NFTs worthless.
What?! You shoulda told me to sell them!
Any idiot could do your job!
[electricity zapping]
[blabbering]
♪♪
What the hell, Sniri?
SNIRI: From now on,
I'll be asking the stupid questions.
Such as, "What's the weather
right outside my damn window?"
And, um,
"How does a steering wheel work?"
[tires squealing]
[both scream]
[splat, squeaking]
Wow. Whatever just happened
really makes you think.
It sure do.
TV, dumb it down for me.
[click, beeping]
[exciting theme playing]
- Bam!
- Aw
[growling, grumbling]
[click, beeping]
HUMORBOT 5.0: What is the
deal with non-binary robots?
[booing]
Wow. PC Crowd.
♪♪
Without Fry's interruptions,
efficiency is up 32 perc Mm
Well, my butt's numb,
and my remote hand is dead,
but all I have left is the final season of
All My Circuits.
Which final season? They got
canceled, like, three or four times.
- Pfft! Loserama!
- The final final season, from 10 years ago.
- I wonder how many episodes were in it?
- Mm, twelve No. Thirteen
- thousand and twenty.
- 13,020? But But
I'll never make it!
I'm sorry, Leela.
I'll never be able to watch
enough TV to make you proud of me.
[crying]
[sighs]
It might actually be possible.
- But No.
- What? What is it?
It's risky, but we have
a technology now that allows you
to watch all the episodes
in one continuous stretch.
We call it bingeing.
- [dramatic sting] ALL: No, no!
- [gasps] What?
- Sounds great! I'll do it!
- You don't understand, Fry!
Bingeing doesn't mean
what it did in your day!
Drinking two six-packs and
barfing in my mom's jewelry box?
Ew! No! It means strapping
into these bingeing goggles
that drill directly into your brain.
[drilling]
Fry, don't be the idiot you are.
Before you go jabbing
into your visual cortex,
- I implore you to [drilling]
- Ow! My cortex!
♪♪
I maintain that this is
a catastrophically boneheaded idea.
But, if you're going to binge,
you'll need a still suit.
- Why is it called a still suit?
- Because you'll be sitting perfectly still.
And I can't have you soiling
my binge-a-lounger.
Engage hoses!
[clicking, hissing]
I'm not entirely sure
which is the air hose
and which is the waste hose.
But, live and learn.
[click, hiss]
Farewell, Leela.
And always remember
[beep]
[continues, muffled]
[TV static]
[All My Circuits organ theme playing]
ANNOUNCER:
All My Circuits is brought to you by
Honey Bunches of Springs.
Everybody loves Honey Bunches of Springs!
[flatly] Except humans.
Fatal for humans.
[passionate kissing, moaning]
[barcode scanner beeping]
[gasps]
[dramatic organ sting]
Calculon!
But you weren't due back from
- the time travel convention until
- Yesterday?!
[overly dramatic organ sting]
♪♪
[counter beeping increasingly faster]
♪♪
[thud, hiss]
He's been streaming for months
without a single break.
No wonder you find him so attractive.
The waste buckets indicate
strong bowel function.
Now, let's see how his brain is
holding up to this sensory assault.
[click, whirring]
- Oh, dear.
- Is that the TV signal or Fry's brainwaves?
Both!
Fry's feeble mind has been
overpowered by the binge.
He's losing touch with reality!
[clacking]
It's true!
He's not responding to any of
the sounds or smells I'm making.
As long as Fry doesn't run
out of episodes, he'll be okay.
But if he reaches the end
of the series, God forbid,
his consciousness will be severed!
[dramatic sting]
Much as this hedge clipper
severs Leela's ponytail.
- Hey!
- Oh, boo-hoo!
It's a metaphor.
Don't take it literally.
- But, Fry will become a vegetable!
- Yum! I-I mean sad.
[sobs]
This is all my fault.
Actually, it's mostly Fry's fault,
but it's a little my fault!
We have to find some way
to extricate Fry from Fulu's iron grip.
I'll put on my thinking cap.
[stretches, snaps]
There's not much time.
He's almost out of episodes of
All My Circuits.
- Maybe they'll drop a new season.
- Eh, fat chance, sweatpants.
It got canceled 10 years ago.
TV shows don't come
back after that. No way!
- Not on broadcast or cable.
- What about Fulu?
- They'll bring back any old crap!
- Good thinking! [stretches, snaps]
Maybe we can get them to
reboot it as a streaming series.
We'll start a fan campaign,
with letters and a viral hashtag!
Pfft. That's a recipe for failure.
Let's go punch somebody.
♪♪
[zooming]
[rockets roaring]
[grunts]
Have a good one.
Tell us why you think
you can punch your way
into the Fulu executive suite.
- And if we can validate your parking.
- Alright. Here's our pitch.
Remember that show All My Circuits?
- The one that got canceled three times?
- Exactly!
New episodes of that!
- That's our pitch.
- Conferencing.
[zapping, electric buzzing, whirring]
I'm going to have to say
- Hard.
- Pass.
All My Circus reruns
have a devoted robot fan base,
but they rarely buy anything
from our advertisers.
Correction. New data
indicates a sudden uptick
- in buying by viewers.
- Correction. One viewer.
Sweet jerk venison of Turkmenistan!
Fry ordered all this junk?
Robot cereal. Robot noodles.
Robot oil
Oh, wait. That's mine.
So, what do you say?
How about picking up
All My Circuits for 20 episodes?
- With an option for 20 more!
- Maybe a movie?
Hm. Against
my better judgment programing,
I'm going to greenlight the project.
[beep]
- Woo-hoo!
- Points on the back end!
Now, there's one teensy hitch.
You know the star of the show, Calculon?
He's dead.
Everything is negotiable.
♪♪
[screaming, wailing]
Hell yes, you can have him!
Scale plus 10.
And if he dies again, no backsies.
- Hey, Calculon!
- CALCULON: Yes?
- You're wanted on set!
- Oh, glorious rapture.
To return to the draped
proscenium once more
Will you shut up and get
into the resurrection cannon?
[construction noises]
[bell ringing, set chatter]
[megaphone beep]
Alright, it's great to be back.
Truly humbled. All the usual crap.
Places, everyone! Places!
Ah
Where is my assistant?
- I need help finding my mark.
- Uh, I'm Mark.
More coffee, Mr. Calculon?
Yes, I do need to expel more coffee.
[intermittent liquid streaming]
[hissing]
PROFESSOR [on wristband]:
Professor to Hollywood. Come in, Hollywood.
Talk to me. How many episodes
does Fry have left?
Two.
And one of them is a clip show.
- But that means
- Indeed.
If you don't crank out new episodes
quickly, Fry will be dead by lunch.
[dramatic sting]
I'm having ham salad.
But, this is impossible.
To keep them from running out,
we'll need to produce
an hour-long episode every hour,
- nonstop, forever!
- If Law & Order can do it, so can you.
Professor out!
[static]
ANNOUNCER:
Futurama is brought to you by
♪♪
Slurm Zero!
None of the flavor, all of the addiction!
Whimmy-wham-wham-wozzle!
[hacking cough]
♪♪
- Monique, my love. Will you be my
- Cut! Next episode! Action!
CALCULON: Plumber?
♪♪
[Amy gasps]
Fry better not be puttin' this robot
junk on the corporate credit card.
That's exclusively for
my one-man business dinners.
Hermes, quit your low-stakes
embezzling and look at this.
Fry is now streaming at double speed!
I'll mirror his view on the TV.
[double speed]
Oh, how I love the illicit thrill
of cheating on my husband
with an actual flesh-and-blood human.
A filthy, filthy human.
So squishy and gooey.
You're like a sexy water balloon.
[moaning]
[double speed]
The thrill is all mine, Monique.
I've never been on a swan boat before.
[dramatic sting]
BOTH: Calculon!
[double speed] Monique, how could you?
And with Human Friend,
the very person
I've been cheating on you with.
[kissing]
MONIQUE: Calculon, how could you?
And with Human Friend, the very person
I've been cheating on you with.
- Calculon, Monique, how could you?
- Enough. We're stuck in a loop.
I just hope we can
come to some agreement,
and that this boat can hold
six tons of steel.
[bubbling screams]
♪♪
He's streaming at double speed?
Why not just slow it down?
Because Fry's brain
is in a very precarious binge-state.
Any change, even refilling
the Dorito bowl, could kill him.
- Oh, no!
- PROFESSOR: Oh, yes.
You've got to make episodes faster.
Faster!
We're already making
an hour-long show every hour.
- That's the fastest it can be done!
- CALCULON: Nonsense, Leela.
Why, I am the spokesman for fast acting.
You're the spokesman for
fast-acting hemorrhoid cream.
- Your point?
- I have none.
A robot actor of my caliber
can act at speeds
far beyond what even the greatest
human actors can achieve.
[clears throat]
To be or not to be.
That is the question.
[faster] Whether 'tis nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows
[speed increases]
[incomprehensibly fast]
[arms whipping]
[stops]
- You missed a line.
- Can you direct at double speed?
I don't know.
Can you pay at double scale?
[scoffs] It's not my money.
- Just yell action really, really fa
- Action!
MONIQUE [double speed]:
Calculon, I've come to tell you that
- CALCULON: Um
- Cut! What happened?
- The script pages stopped uploading.
- It's those damned lazy writers!
Can't even manage to write
an hour-long episode every 15 minutes.
- I died doing what I hated.
- Can't you just ad lib?
Asking an actor to ad lib
is like asking a
- guy to five.
- BENDER: So I'll just write the scripts.
- Any idiot could be a TV writer.
- CALCULON: Many are.
How hard can it be?
[high-pitched voice] I love you, Calculon.
[lower voice] Let's do it, baby.
[higher] Bender is great.
[normal] And fade to black.
- You're hired!
- Hello, Writer's Guild.
♪♪
[rapid typing]
[whirring]
MONIQUE [double speed]:
I'm afraid he'll never calculate again.
- Or he'll do so inaccurately.
- [double speed] Let's do it, baby.
- Bender is great.
- Cut!
Okay, reset for scene 31,652B
[grunts]
[ambulance siren wails]
Was that heart attack
part of the script?
No, but leave it in.
It's hilarious. [scribbling]
Fry's life is on the line.
It's all up to me as executive producer.
[feedback squeals] Action!
I mean, action!
♪♪
Louder and funnier!
Smile faster!
[beeping]
Act better! Less nuance!
That was terrible! Next scene!
[waltz playing, plane buzzing]
Action! Cut! Action! I mean, cut!
[music cuts in and out]
Action! And cut!
[horse neighs, explosion]
[clanking]
[applause, cheering]
Wow. Great writing, everyone.
That's a wrap!
[bell ringing]
What exactly happened in that episode?
CALCULON:
I won an Emmy, that's what.
[on megaphone] Okay, everyone,
take five
- seconds. Next episode!
- Hang on, Leela.
I think the execubots
have some constructive notes.
[dramatic sting]
[screaming]
This is very hard for me
to say, Leela, so he'll say it.
We love everything about this show.
It's not working at all.
You're canceled.
[buzzer]
[both gasp]
You'll always be an important
part of the Fulu family.
- Get out!
- But, our friend Fry
- He's gonna die
- Strike the set.
♪♪
[smashing, clattering]
♪♪
BENDER: How does a show get
canceled this many times?
By this many networks?!
[ringing, click]
Bad news, Professor.
- They won't let us make any more episodes.
- That is bad news.
Especially since I have good news!
Kidnap the actors
and get back here at once!
♪♪
Fry's down to the very last episode,
but he still has one slim hope.
We've got to gradually shift his focus
from the streaming world
back to the real world.
- Is that safe?
- God, no!
While he watches the finale on Fulu,
you'll simultaneously
perform it live in front of him.
- You're asking me to perform a second take?
- No, no!
Think of it as live theater for
one unconscious audience member.
- Ah, like the Milwaukee Shakespeare Festival.
- Exactly!
[feedback squeals]
And action.
[puffing]
[double speed waltz]
[knob clicking]
[quietly] Easing Fry back
to normal viewing speed.
[waltz slowing to normal speed]
Now, we'll gradually decrease the
opacity of his bingeing goggles.
[clicking, beeping]
Gently Gently
[grunting, struggling]
Monique, Boxy,
the feelings between each
distinct subset of two of us
are too intense to bear.
We find ourselves the vertices
of a classic love triangle.
It's a three-variable equation
with only one solution.
X equals suicide.
[dramatic sting]
[Scruffy sings identical dramatic sting]
[grunts]
[wheels rattle, horse neighs]
Does this love triangle
have room for one more vertex?
Technically, yes,
though it would then constitute
a love tetrahedron.
Allow me to illustrate with a model.
[grunting, humming]
[clicking]
Bringing Fry back to reality in three
- Two
- Hey, where'd I put my cigar?
[dramatic sting]
[popping]
CALCULON: Zounds!
[all screaming]
♪♪
Thank you Milwaukee.
[crash]
[bell ringing]
[fire crackling]
[all screaming]
- Somebody other than me do something!
- I'll put out the fire!
[sloshing]
No! That's battery acid!
[gasps]
[dramatic music]
[somber music]
- Oops.
- He's dead!
I killed him by encouraging
his hopes and dreams!
How could I have been so stupid?!
[sobbing]
What up?
[Scruffy singing along to dramatic sting]
I'm afraid I have bad news, Fry.
- You're dead.
- I am?
- Fry! You weren't in the suit?
- What? No.
I got out of that thing,
like, two days ago.
I decided to catch up on my reading.
I'm sorry, Leela.
You must be pretty disappointed in me.
No. I'm just glad you're okay.
And I promise
I'll never be supportive again.
Thanks, Leela.
You know, I really did try
to achieve my goal.
I even turned up the playback
to double speed,
but I just couldn't get through
the last few episodes.
I mean, they were unwatchable.
The writing and the executive
producing really went
downhill towards the end.
Hey, I may not be a great writer,
but at least I filled
the allotted air time.
To the second. Fade to black.
[theme song playing]
[news theme playing]
We now go live to the White House
for the presidential summit
on the dangers of streaming television.
I understand it's destroying
our young people.
[laughs]
That is my job!
[birds chirping]
Aroo!
Now, Mr. Fry,
I understand you recently endured
a terrible ordeal
while doing something stupid
involving streaming television.
That's right, Your Majesty.
- And what lesson, if any, did you learn?
- Well, first, I guess,
don't reboot a show
if the quality isn't gonna be there.
[applause]
[mic feedback]
[quiet clucking]
But, more importantly, let me say this.
Viewers must binge responsibly.
The same way they smoke cigarettes
or drink bleach.
In my opinion, they must stream
no more than 10 episodes in a row.
And no less.
[applause]
But it's not just
the viewers' responsibility.
Any TV show that truly cares
about its audience,
that loves and respects them, should
no must be canceled every few years.
It's simply the right thing to do.
[applause]
[Hyper-Chicken clucking loudly]
Thank you.
[applause stops]
Sobering thoughts from some
drug-addled weirdo.
Goodnight, God bless Earth,
and aroo.