It Ain't Half Hot Mum (1974) s08e01 Episode Script

Meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you With music and laughter to help you on your way To raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey With songs and sketches and jokes old and new With us about, you won't feel blue So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you B-O, B-O-Y-S Boys to entertain you! Keep your eyes open, Mackintosh.
You see any sign of that supply truck, give us a Stand To.
- They may need covering fire.
- Aye, Sergeant Major.
- (Firing) - The damned mortar's opened up again.
I can't stand this much longer.
Bombardier! Come here! Move yourself! Now, pull yourself together and do not get historical.
I can't help it.
I just hate bangs.
Even when I was a kid.
I wouldn't even pull Christmas crackers.
I've got GHQ coming through now, sir.
Hello, Sun Ray.
Colonel Reynolds here, Royal Artillery Concert Party.
We haven't had any food supplies through for over a week.
Things are getting a bit short.
Sorry we can't get through.
A small, isolated section of Japs are keeping the road under constant mortar-fire.
That just isn't good enough.
We haven't had anything proper to eat for over a week.
I'm not diverting fighting troops to deal with a handful of chaps just because you're feeling a bit peckish.
Over and out.
I've never known such callous behaviour.
They just don't care.
Why don't we deal with them Japs? There's only a few of 'em.
Are you mad? We might get killed.
I can't stand it.
It's too much for a sensitive artiste! Shut up! It's quite understandable you should react in an emotional way, Sergeant Major.
And I admire you for it, I really do.
On the other hand, I do think we ought to weigh up the pros and cons very carefully, don't you, Ashwood? - Yes, sir.
Very carefully indeed.
- Let us look at the whole position.
Just because we're a bit hungry, would you, Sergeant Major, take the risk - of any one of our chaps being harmed? - Yes, sir.
There's Gunner erm There's the bombardier.
Why, there's two or three of 'em, sir.
I'll just put it to 'em, sir.
Right, lovely boys, now pay attention.
Listen to me.
Now then, are you hungry? Yes.
- Are you very hungry? - Yes.
- Think something be done about it? - Yes.
- Think them Japs need teaching a lesson? - Yes.
- Are you coming with me to wipe 'em out? - No.
Lunch is ready, Colonel sahib.
Thank you, char wallah.
That doesn't look at all bad.
- What are the others having? - That's for everyone, Colonel sahib.
- Shall I share it out, sir? - I think perhaps you'd better.
Now, then, there's one, two, three, four, five sardines and ten of us.
Five into ten goes two.
That's half a sardine each, Sergeant Major.
Did you hear that, sir? The boy has done the sum already.
A very alert soldier, sir.
- Who gets the bones? - Officers and NCOs.
What about the char wallah and the cook, Sergeant Major? Shut up.
I'm sorry, Sergeant Major, they're entitled to their share, so I'm afraid it's twelve and not ten.
"It's twelve and not ten.
" For your information, Mr La-Di-Dah Gunner Graham, they do not have none cos five into twelve do not go.
Steady on, Sergeant Major.
We've got a Labour government now.
They make a fuss about all sorts of things, you know.
I have it, sir.
Why don't we give the natives the bones? Good idea.
A good old British compromise.
We'll give them the bones.
We're going to give you the bones.
You are most kind, Colonel sahib.
A beautiful man.
How are we going to divide out the baked beans? Give us ten each and see what's left over, like.
Ten.
- Ten.
- There's 11 on that plate.
Sorry! Excuse fingers.
- While you do that, I'll count out the rice.
- Thank you, sir.
- One, two, three, four - Steady on, Ashwood.
Don't waste them.
- That last grain went off the table.
- I've got it, sir.
Don't put it back! - It's all dusty.
- Please yourself.
Let the bombardier do that.
I want to have a word with you.
I'm afraid there's nothing else for it.
Things are getting very desperate.
We have to break into the cocktail snacks.
- Surely not, sir? - Yes, I'm afraid so.
The bottle of maraschino cherries, the tin of football wafers and the bottle of miniature gherkins.
But supposing somebody drops in for drinks? Well It's a chance we'll have to take.
Go and get the cocktail snacks.
All right.
But I tell you this, sir - those Japanese have got a lot to answer for.
Oh, this is very bad for business, Ah Syn.
I cannot sell char with no milk or sugar.
And I have no cakies.
And I am so hungry.
You know, in China, when I was a small boy, Father taught me many ancient Chinese proverbs.
(Speaks Chinese) - What does that mean? - I don't know.
I don't speak Ancient Chinese.
Hey, fellas, look.
It's Fred.
He's the only chicken we got left.
What we gonna do with him, eh? I think we should make a soup of him.
It'll go further.
There's er there's not much meat on the breast.
That's not the breast.
The breast's underneath.
Well, it's always on the top when my father carves it.
That's cos it's dead.
It's lying like that on the plate.
When it's walking about, it's like that.
- Who's gonna kill it? - We can't kill Fred.
He crowed and woke us up when that loose wallah got into the camp - and tried to steal our gear.
- Aye.
He's been here as long as we have.
- Mm.
- And he eats all the nasty creepy-crawlies.
He's quite good company, for a chicken.
I think you're all being emotional and illogical.
Chop its head off and put him in the pot.
Now, wait a minute.
Let's have a vote on it.
Now, who's in favour of eating Fred? I am.
- All right, let him go.
- There you go, Fred.
We've saved your life there, old son.
That leaves us with a song in our heart and an ache in our stomach.
Sahibs, I know where there is a palm tree full of ripe coconuts.
They're very nutritious and totally delicious.
Why didn't you tell us before, you berk? I'll go and tell the colonel.
We'll go and get 'em first thing in the morning.
Keep on your toes.
There might be Jap snipers about.
Colonel sahib, there are the beautiful coconuts.
Cor.
Look at that, fellas.
Eight lovely coconuts.
- How are we going to get 'em down, sir? - Yes.
How are we going to get 'em down, Ashwood? Well, sir, we could er We could er It's a tricky one, sir.
I could shoot 'em down, sir.
We can't do that, Sergeant Major.
The Japs might hear us.
Shut up.
I'm not afraid of a handful of flea-bitten, slant-eyed Nips.
You know, I think Bombardier Beaumont has a point.
I mean, Ashwood and I would er love to have a scrap, wouldn't we, Ashwood? - Oh, of course.
- Of course.
But we haven't actually been authorised by GHQ to flush out these Japs, have we? - No.
- No.
Apart from which, we might get holes in the nuts.
Mm.
We need to take that into consideration.
We don't want holes in our nuts.
Excuse me, sir.
In the Solomon Islands the natives just shin up 60 or 70 feet, twist off the coconuts and then shin down again.
Don't look at me, sahib.
I'm a different sort of native.
If we can't get up to the nuts, we could bring 'em to us.
We could cut down the tree.
Did you hear that, sir? Gunner Parkins has done it again.
We haven't got a saw, Sergeant Major.
Well, you must admit the the principle was right, sir.
You're talking absolute rubbish, Sergeant Major.
The boy's a blithering idiot.
We must not discourage him, sir.
He might not never make another suggestion.
And a damn good job, too.
Why don't we blow it down? We haven't got enough puff.
No, I'm talking about explosives.
If we empty all the powder out of our ammunition, wrap it in some cloth and then tie it round the tree, like a poultice.
Aye.
Then we can pack it round with mud.
Precisely.
This would cause the explosion to go inwards.
We need a fuse, like the cowboy films when they bust into a bank.
Yes.
Have you got a thunderflash, Sergeant Major? "Have you got a thunderflash, Sergeant Major?" Never heard such a load of twaddle in all my life.
They're all blithering idiots, aren't they, sir? No.
I think it's a good idea.
- That should do the trick.
- Perfect.
- We'd better take cover.
- There's very little danger, sir.
With all that mud on it, the force of the explosion will go inwards.
Not you, Sugden.
You volunteered to light the fuse.
- I never said - Now, you take one of these matches.
Light the fuse, and when it starts fizzing walk away slowly.
- Shall I light it now? - Not now.
I will tell you when.
Now.
- It's fizzing.
- Walk away.
Slowly and calmly.
Right, get your heads down.
I keep telling you, Sergeant Major, the mud will force the explosion inwards.
It's elementary physics.
Graham has been to Cambridge.
Do give him credit for some intelligence.
Graham what did you get your degree in? English Literature, sir.
The sooner we get back to the camp, the better.
Ach, you're scared of your own shadow, you.
I can't help it.
I get the feeling there are Japanese eyes looking at me from behind every tree.
- Right.
Tied the knife on, Sergeant Major.
- Stand by to lift.
Er, Sergeant Major, I've put me foot on the end.
Parkins has put his foot on the end, sir, of his own volution.
Lift.
Steady now.
Lift.
Steady.
Now steady.
Don't rush it.
Steady.
Steady.
Now hold it up a bit, up a bit.
Straight up.
That's it.
Steady.
Right, hold it, hold it.
Hold it.
Now then Right, wait, wait.
Lift.
Saw.
Up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down.
Look out! We've done it! One, two, three, four five, six, seven.
There's one still up there, sir.
That's the eighth, sir.
How are you enjoying your breakfast, Ashwood? This fried coconut's a bit oily, sir.
(Sighs) You're always complaining, Ashwood.
If we had smoked salmon and caviar you'd grumble it was too fishy.
Excuse me, sir, l-I've got a message from GHQ.
Er, they said they can't send an MO as the road's still under mortar-fire.
- How is Beaumont, Graham? - He's still sleeping, sir.
- Did he come round again? - Yes.
He woke up once last night, called me a blithering idiot and then went back to sleep.
- Sounds encouraging.
- I think I think there's very little damage been done, sir.
His pupils and his pulse are still quite normal.
I'm glad something is.
There is a slight contusion on the upper cranium.
"Oh, a slight confusion of the upper crame.
" I had one of them.
The wheels fell off! Talk English, Mr La-Di-Dah Gunner Graham.
- He's got a bump on his head.
- I think he's swinging the lead, sir.
Oh, come now, Sergeant Major.
The coconut cracked open on his head.
Shall I put him on a charge, sir, for wasting the milk? No, no, no, let him sleep.
Excuse me, Colonel sahib.
Ah Syn would like to know how you want the coconuts cooked for lunch.
Oh.
Has he any suggestions? I'll give you a little tip, Ashwood.
Never ask a Chinese cook if he's got any suggestions.
We'll let you know.
Begging your pardon, sir.
We got to get some fresh meat.
I was talking to Gunner Graham and he was explaining to me that we's not getting enough collaries.
It's seems all we is eating, sir, is a load of carbohydrophoborites and not enough prostrates.
I think what Gunner Graham says is very true.
Yes, you know, sir, this jungle is absolutely teeming with life.
- There must be something in it we can eat.
- Yes, you're right.
Remember a couple of weeks ago, we came across that old boar? The brigadier, sir.
We can't eat him, sir.
It's against King's Regulations.
Do be serious, Sergeant Major.
But we know there's wild pig about.
You're a good shot and Ashwood and I can do the stalking.
- What about the Japanese, sir? - Well, we'll stalk in the opposite direction.
It's all right with me, sir.
I'll get some rifles.
Ooh, I hope they come back with something nice, fellas.
Ooh, just imagine, eh? Roast pork and crackling.
All brown and sizzling.
With coconut.
Hello, Gloria's wakened up.
I bet he's got a headache.
How are you feeling, Gloria? Hey, Gloria, you should've kept your wig on.
My name's Beaumont.
I'm a bombardier in the Royal Artillery.
In future, you will address me according to my rank.
Clear? She wants us to address her according to her rank.
Stand up.
I said on your feet! That's an order! I think she's getting cross.
- Are you refusing to obey an order? - Mm-hm.
May I remind you that we are on active service and what you are doing amounts to mutiny.
Why don't you go back to bed, Gloria? I'll give you one last chance.
Get on parade.
(Blow raspberries) How dare you fall in without your hats? Get properly dressed! You two, smarten yourselves up! What d'you think you're doing? - He's gone potty.
- It must have been that bump on the head.
Humour him.
Humour him.
Gunner Mackintosh why have you got a hole in your hat? You just put it there.
Silence in the ranks! Bombardier, speaking on behalf of the others, if you want to rehearse, we don't mind a bit.
No, we didnae know you'd get that upset, you know.
I tell you what - we'll rehearse the Pretty Girl Is Like A Melody number, eh? In full costume.
I'll even put on my Rita Hayworth dress.
Yeah, and I'll wear that Esther Williams swimsuit that you like, with the roses.
You like that.
Yeah, a-and you could wear your Ruby Keeler dress with the pleated shawl.
Phwoar.
You look a knockout in that.
You poofs! Dressing up as tarts.
I'll never wear women's clothes again.
All right, then.
You can be Dick Powell and I'll be Ruby Keeler.
You nasty little pervert.
We've got a war to fight.
There are just one or two Japs out there stopping us getting the food and what are you doing about it? Nothing.
Because you're a bunch of weak-kneed, flabby, spineless, puny wets! Well, it's gonna stop right here and now! I'm gonna toughen up you nancy-boys.
Right, running on the spot.
Begin! Come on! Faster! Faster! Do it like a man! Do it like me! Come on, faster, faster! Come on! Better not stop.
He might be pretending.
- No, he's fainted.
- He's had a brainstorm.
Yes, I suppose he has, in a way.
After all, we've all got two sides to our character.
- What, you mean like Jekyll and Hyde? - Yes.
There's a hero and a coward in all of us.
In our case, let's face it, the coward keeps the hero well under control.
You mean that bang on Gloria's head knocked out the coward? Yes.
It's probably only temporary.
When he comes round, he may not remember anything about it.
- Yeah, but what are we gonna do? - I think it's about lunch time.
What's old Shut Up gonna say? If he finds out he's been shooting at us, he'll have him locked away in the loony bin.
We'd better get him to bed.
Let's keep it to ourselves for the time being.
See what happens when he wakes up.
- I'll clean up the Sten.
- That's a good idea.
# Give me some men who are stout-hearted men # You're not rehearsing your Al Jolson number this time of night, are you? No, camouflage.
- What have you got there? - Grenades.
Mills mark IV, short fuse.
What the hell d'you think you're playing at, Bombardier? I need your help.
- What for? - To round up the Japs.
I could do it on my own, but I need somebody to cover my rear.
What are you sniggering at? - You feeling all right, Bombardier? - I never felt better in my life.
The way I see it is this - my men, if you can call them that - they're hungry.
All that stands between us and the food are a few miserable Japs.
Just wipe them out, we got no further problems.
Are you coming with me? Aren't you being a bit hasty, boy? No.
You're always shooting your mouth off, how you'd like to have a crack at the enemy.
Well, now's your chance to put your muscle where your mouth is.
This is a gut-check, Williams.
Are ya coming? Or do I go it alone? - You put it like that, I'm coming.
- Right.
Now fix your face.
Right, this is what we're gonna do - we creep up on them to about 100 yards, right? Then you give me covering fire and I charge 'em and I blast 'em to hell! Just cos you suddenly turned into Errol Flynn you can't do it like they do on the films, you know.
You got to use strategy.
You can't charge with machine-guns.
Right.
Then I'll creep round behind them.
You cover me.
And I'll strangle 'em with my bare hands.
I shouldn't come to grips with them, Bombardier.
You know, them Japanese is trained in Jewish jitsu.
You're not turning yellow, are you? No, no.
You know what, Williams? You're a real man.
- Is that a fact? - Yeah.
And that's a very rare thing in this day and age.
Let's seal our partnership.
How do we do that, then? With a kiss.
Oh.
Of blood.
We cut our wrists.
And then we join 'em together and we become blood brothers.
I don't think we ought to do that, Bombardier.
We might become sceptical.
Look.
Over there.
About 100 yards away.
Come on, let's get 'em.
We'll be mown down.
We'll go around, through the bushes, lob a couple of grenades in and Bob's your uncle.
But I wanna get at 'em with my bare hands.
I tell you what, Bombardier.
I'll throw the grenade, you do what you wanna do with your bare hands.
(Hisses) What are we gonna do? One bite from that and we've had it.
There's nothing to worry about.
They can't bite you if you grab 'em just behind the head, right? You divert its attention and I'll creep round behind it and grab it with my bare hands.
You're doing a lot with your bare hands.
You just keep its attention and sway with it.
Whatever you do, don't stop swaying.
Who Who's a pretty boy, then? Sit.
Sit.
Please sit.
(Yells) (Yells) (Yelp) - Did you get a bite? - Yeah.
I bit it just behind the ear.
Shh! What's the matter? You frightened? You throw the grenade and I'll go in with my bare hands.
Bombardier, before you go in with your bare hands wait for the bang.
- (Yells) - Right behind you! You dirty swine! We got 'em all.
Wait a minute.
- These are all dummies.
- Who fired the mortar? - Get down! - (Shooting) - He must have circled behind.
I'll get him.
- No.
Hang on.
We done what we came to do.
Do you realise that one miserable Jap has been holding up our food for a week? He's even used one of our mortars.
Just think, one Jap.
Well er we don't want to make too much of that.
Sergeant Major Williams calling the Royal Artillery Concert Party.
Are you receiving me? Are you receiving me? - It's the Sergeant Major, sir.
- Give it to me.
Where the hell have you been, Sergeant Major? Yes, we've been worried sick.
I beg to report, sir, that Bombardier Beaumont and myself have single-handedly double-handedly neutralised the Japanese mortar emplacement and accounted for one, two, three, four, five, six of the enemy and we's bringing back their helmets to prove it.
Over and out.
Let me shake you by the hand, Bombardier.
It's great to have you on the team, Williams.
But you went a bit far, saying we'd killed six Japs.
Oh, I er I didn't say we'd killed 'em.
I said we'd accounted for 'em.
Now, you pick up the helmets, I'll carry the mortar.
And when we get back I'll do the talking.
Awfully good of you, Brigadier, to come over and present these decorations to my men.
Not at all.
I always try to make it if I can.
The chaps like it, you know.
You must be very proud of them, Colonel.
We are very proud indeed, aren't we, Ashwood? Oh, yes, sir.
As proud as peacocks.
Come on, Bombardier, fasten up your belt proper.
You're walking round like a wet weekend.
Ever since I woke up this morning, I've felt all peculiar.
The last thing I remember is going out to get those coconuts.
- That was over a week ago.
- What have I been doing since then? Whatever it was, they're going to give you a medal for it.
- Me? A medal? What for? - Well, you see, Bombardier, it's like this.
What's all this "Bombardier"? My name's Gloria.
Fall in with the men, Sergeant Major.
Sir! Right, let's have you! Move yourselves! Let's have you, let's have you.
Stand still! Attention.
Sergeant Major Williams, Bombardier Beaumont, three paces forward march.
Sergeant Major Williams, Bombardier Beaumont, you have been recommended - and quite properly recommended, in my view - for the highest award in the British army, the Victoria Cross.
Unfortunately, you didn't get it.
However to quote the official citation, "For courage above and beyond the call of duty, "Sergeant Major Williams and Bombardier Beaumont "have been mentioned in Dispatches.
" This is a great honour and is signified by perhaps the most British of all emblems, the oak-leaf clasp.
Captain Ashwood, the oak leaves.
- You haven't undone the pins.
- I'm awfully sorry, sir.
- Oh, crumbs.
- Silly arse.
I'm awfully sorry, sir.
Mind where you're treading.
- Ah.
Is that it? - No, that's a dead beetle.
What are we doing here, Sergeant Major? Shut up.
You're getting a gong for wiping out six Japs.
Real ones? - Stuffed ones.
- I don't understand.
Shut up.
Just let him pin the gong on your chest.
Will he kiss us like they do in France? - Here they are, sir.
I'm awfully sorry.
- Thank you.
Sergeant Major Williams.
Well done, Sergeant Major.
It's exactly what I would have expected of you.
Thank you, sir.
Bombardier Beaumont.
Bombardier, you're not a regular soldier like the Sergeant Major and I, but nevertheless, a few days ago you proved to us that you are a man a man of unswerving resolve and iron courage.
Ow! You pricked me! That hurt! And there's blood! I can't bear it! (Shrieks hysterically) I can't stand the sight of blood! (Applause) Meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you With music and laughter to help you on your way To raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey With songs and sketches and jokes old and new With us about, you won't feel blue So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you We are here to make you feel gay So give us a cheer with a hey, hey, hey Just gather around and put down your gun With us about, there's plenty of fun So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you B-O, B-O-Y-S Boys to entertain you! # Land of hope and glory # Mother of the free (Williams) Shut upl