It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s08e01 Episode Script

Attention! Attention, everyone! Gather round, please! Gather round! Mac has a very important announcement! Because of my sudden and unfortunate weight loss, the bar is now in extreme risk.
And as head of security, this concerns me.
So Mac's made a couple of moves.
And that first move is this.
SWEET DEE: Jesus Christ.
Jesus.
Perfect for ocular pat-downs.
Now I can determine a subject's threat level without him being able to feel my retinal assessment.
Which is a great advantage because the guy can't see how scared Mac is.
Yes, and No, that's not what it's about.
It's not Huh? Oh, I thought that you were scared every time you went to go to That's classified! Look, this whole point is to make them feel safer, all right? We don't feel safer.
And, Mac, there will never come a time where you will need those.
Mark my words, Dennis, there will come a time when I will utilize these glasses to assess a threat and then Are they still standing there? No, they walked away.
My peripheral is a little compromised.
Yeah, you can't see out the sides, and that's a disadvantage, so Oh, good you're all here.
Who invited the Jew lawyer? Not Jewish.
Hold on, punk.
He's clear.
He's clear.
You know, I-I really do not understand you people.
You know, it's funny, most of the time I'm trying to get away from you, and yet when I really need to get in touch with you, I can't get you to return my phone calls.
Mmm, don't need you, don't care.
Eh out you go.
Lovely.
As the executor of your mother's estate, I'm here to inform you that her father, Heinrich Landgraf, has fallen into a coma.
Pop-Pop? He's being kept alive by a respirator.
As per the will, the only living blood relatives, the ever-charming Dee and Dennis Reynolds are the only people empowered to decide whether or not he stays on those machines.
Are you saying that we have to decide whether that old Nazi bitch lives or dies? There's that charm.
That is correct.
I'll await your decision.
Pop-Pop's room's right down here.
How do you know, Frank? I come here every week and feed him soup, take care of him.
That's nice of you, you know? Help a man keep his dignity in his final years.
Somebody's got to do it.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, Jesus Christ! Ugh! I didn't have a chance to tidy.
T Tidy? Frank, the man is rotting.
Oh, God, why hasn't someone done something in here? I told the staff I got it.
You don't got it.
You don't have it at all.
Yeah, what is the overwhelming smell? Oh, that's the soup.
Yeah, well, if he doesn't finish, sometimes I leave 'em for him, and then I forget and then months go by.
Jesus Christ, Frank, what the hell is really going on here? Look, the guy always said he had Nazi treasure stashed away.
I figure I spend some time with him, he gives it to me.
All right, well, pretty good plan; execution leaves a lot to be desired.
Okay, well, speaking of execution, we're just gonna pull the plug on this creep and get out of here, right? Whoa.
Whoa, h-hold on a second, Dee, I mean, that's a big decision.
How so? We're talking about taking a man's life.
Yeah, but he was a Nazi, so it's kind of, like, eh Well, yeah, I get that, but, I mean, he was our grandfather.
Okay, maybe we got to think this through a little bit more.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, make a decision already! Are you eating the soup?! Is he eating the soup? Yes.
I'm sorry.
I was hungry.
I made a decision to eat the soup.
I didn't sit around thinking all day, "Hey, do I do this? Do I not do this?" We are making a decision about whether or not to take a man's life, not whether or not to eat old rancid soups.
Okay, listen, I think we just need to gather a little bit more information before we make our decision, right? Yeah, you guys think it over, think it over.
Mac, can you come here for a second? What? All Frank's talk about Nazi treasure got me thinking about something.
Okay, you remember that box of stuff Pop-Pop gave me a few years ago? It was, like, all this old stuff, Nazi shit that he got from the war? Holy shit! Yeah.
Didn't we burn that all in the alley? Not all of it.
There was a painting in that box, a very special dog painting that I mounted on my wall.
You and my dad share this futon? Now, Frank hated this painting, you know? He made me take it down.
I do not like this painting, Charlie.
Its smug aura mocks me.
It's evil, Charlie.
Evil.
And it's been in that box ever since.
Uh-huh.
So what? By the way, man, this is why we work well together, you know? You see free soup, you make a decision to eat it.
It's horrible.
It's terrible soup, but we got to stick with our decisions, right? Yeah, I can't go back on it now.
No, no.
All right, anyway do you think that that painting could've been the Nazi treasure that Frank's looking for? Mm.
I've made a decision.
Yes.
Yes, right? Yeah.
Okay.
You got to help me find it.
Let's slip out of here so they don't notice.
Okay.
They're standing two feet away from us, so they are gonna notice, but let's just run out of here; they'll think we made a quick decision to leave.
Damn it, dude! All right, I remember exactly what happened, all right? Frank took it down, told me to get rid of it; I stashed it away somewhere, but then what-what happened to it from there, I don't know.
Hey, Charlie, come here.
Dude, you got to check this out.
Look at all these old photos of Hitler with German shepherds.
Oh, holy shit.
Yeah.
But check this out.
Oh, my God! Yeah.
Hitler painted German shepherds all the time.
He was, like, obsessed.
Dude, I'm thinking that maybe that painting could be An original Hitler.
Yes! Yeah! Holy shit, dude, this is huge! We are gonna become famous treasure hunters.
I'm thinking, Hollywood is gonna make a Da Vinci Code style thriller about us! I can finally be Indiana Jones! Yeah, yeah, and then I get it back on my wall! Yeah.
Well, we're not gonna put it back up on your wall.
It'll probably go in a museum.
What? No-no-no-no-no.
It looks so good here.
It belongs in a museum, and that's the end of this.
Okay, you know what, can you call Frank? Because he's gonna remember the details.
I knew that I stashed it away somewhere, but it's-it's gone.
I can't find it.
Do we have to involve Frank? You know what, yeah, we'll just tiptoe around the language.
I'll play it cool.
Just play it cool.
Mac! Hey, Frank.
Where are you? You sound strained.
I'm stuck in a window over at Pop-Pop's house.
I got to find this treasure.
Treasure, what treasure? I don't even know what you're talking about.
There probably is no treasure.
I'll bet you there's no treasure, so you can just stop looking for the treasure, okay, 'cause there's no treasure.
Hey, man, you know where that, um, worthless old dog painting that you had hanging up in your apartment- do you know where that might be? The dog painting? Oh! That was evil.
I threw that thing out.
I'm pretty sure I saw Cricket scampering away with it.
Cricket? Hey, listen, Mac.
You do me a favor.
I'm really stuck in this window.
Will you come and get me? Okay, nice.
We got to get Cricket.
I know just where to find him.
Dust is a nice touch.
Yes.
I don't like you wearing the glasses, though.
They're supposed to assess a threat.
Oh, Cricket could be a threat.
No, I have cleared him on multiple occasions.
Here we go.
Hello! Hey, Cricks.
Dog pound, huh? Weird.
Wow.
Oh! Ugh.
Ooh.
Oh, Jesus Christ, that's gruesome.
Yeah, I got into a skirmish with a stray chocolate lab.
I won't go into details, but suffice to say, that dog is very paralyzed now.
Anyway, they got me doing this, uh, this community service thing.
Yeah, but I'm kind of a dog executioner, so, uh, looks like old Cricket got the last laugh.
Wow.
Yeah.
You're putting the dogs down? Well, uh, no.
You know, yeah, mostly just, you know, cleaning up the poops, you know, washing out their cages, that kind of thing.
Ah.
Sounds like you're a dog janitor then.
Yeah, that's more like they got the last laugh.
Cricks, Frank said you know something about a dog painting that he threw away that you might have scampered off with.
Yeah, worthless dog painting.
Yeah, yeah, dog painting, sure, yeah.
Oh, very evil vibes.
Yeah, I sold it.
To who? Hmm? Oh, some guy.
You know, he's coming down here, he's all bent out of shape, you know, that he had to put down his German shepherd.
Well, I notice his dog looks just like the one in the painting.
I see an opportunity.
Make three bucks.
Ba-da-boom! Wait.
He's cool.
He's not a threat.
Phew! I know he's not a threat! I told you, I've assessed him I've just cleared him.
You are not using the glasses correctly, and it's driving me crazy, okay? I thought I used it.
Could you tell how scared I was? No, I could not.
I could not.
Mara? Uh, yeah, boss.
Got a mastiff in here, just had explosive diarrhea.
I've never seen anything like it.
Get your ass in here.
Come on.
Hello? Somebody there? Help me out of here! I'm stuck! I can't get out of here! Frank? What is happening? What are you doing? I'm trapped.
That goddamn trunk is booby-trapped.
It's not booby-trapped, Frank; it's an empty trunk, and you fell into it like a Weeble wobble.
Let's go.
Come on.
Jesus! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, God.
Frank, there's no point in you looking for a treasure, okay? If there's anything of value in this house, we are the ones who inherit it once he dies.
You're wasting your time.
I mean, it's crazy.
Dennis, check out these old films- "New Years '74," "Thanksgiving '68.
" Way.
"Summer Camp '81.
" '81? Oh, that's us.
That's our summer camp.
Yeah, that's us.
Yeah.
Fire that up.
I want to check that out.
Oh, see, Frank, Dee and I have been talking, and I don't think we're gonna I don't think we're gonna off Pop-Pop.
You know, I mean, yeah, sure, the guy's got a little bit of a sordid past, absolutely, but you know, everybody deserves a second chance.
Yeah, he was just following orders.
You know what I mean? Yeah.
Let's not try and justify why a man would join the Nazis and Right.
Right, right, right, yeah, I see what you're saying.
'Cause that's gonna get us too far away from We won't be able to the point that we're trying to make, which is that the man moved to America, you know, to put all that horrible shit behind him.
Right.
Right.
And he wanted to turn his life around, and that's what he did, Frank.
He turned his life around.
People do that.
People do that.
Exactly.
Oh, here we go.
Look at me.
Oh! Oh, God, you remember that car? Yes.
Oh, look at those two little rug rats.
Oh, I was so cute! Oh, man, and look at Pop Look at how sweet he is! Yeah, God, he was a sweet guy.
This is great.
That's the camp.
Oh, we loved it there.
God, it's it's all flooding back to me now.
Did we wear those uniforms? I don't remember those.
Do you? I don't remember that.
But yeah, see if there's sound.
I want to I'd like to pop some sound on.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look at this guy.
Remember this guy? Ah.
I totally remember that guy.
He was always so jazzed up about everything.
He was so excited, and he would get us all excited, do you remember that? Get the whole crowd jazzed up, the whole camp.
Here we go.
That is why it is so important that we all must unify.
The more we come together, the stronger we become.
Now, listen close, kids.
These goddamn niggers and Jews are trying to take over this country, and we've got to take it back! Oops.
Yeah.
That just took a turn.
Sieg heil! Sieg heil! Sieg heil! Oh, that's us.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm doing that.
Sieg heil! Sieg heil! Sieg Okay, that settles it.
Let's fry this turkey.
Yes.
All set? Ready? Whoa, whoa, hang on.
Hang on a second.
Are you sure you want to watch him die? What do you mean, watch him die? We have to watch him die? Well, you do something like pull the plug, and you got to stay there until the lights go out.
You know, maybe we need to experience that on a smaller scale first, and just kind of see how we feel about it? Kill something less important first.
See what that does inside.
Move up.
I have an idea.
You want to watch a dog get put down? Yeah, we want to see how it feels.
Great.
I got just the one.
Ah, I feel like we need to pick the dog.
You know what I mean? 'Cause we need to feel the full weight of the decision.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, fine.
No.
Oh, no.
Come on.
No.
Uh no.
Oh.
No! Oh.
Come on, guy.
No! Pick me? What? Put me down! Pick me! I deserve it.
Okay.
New plan.
We're doing the right thing, Dennis.
We're not killers.
You know what I mean? No, we have to think about ourselves here.
I don't want to live with pulling the plug on somebody.
No.
Let's just let Pop-Pop and Cricket and these dogs die as nature intended.
Slowly and painfully.
Mm-hmm.
All right.
All right, guys.
Here we go.
All right, everybody.
Go, get out of here.
Go and be free.
Go and be free.
Oh, we're all free.
There we go.
Go on.
We're all free.
Yeah.
I'm one of you guys.
All right, so this is the address.
All right.
This is the spot, huh? Here.
Okay.
"Bret Da Lawyer, a Denial Correlation.
" What does that mean? Pretty good.
That's close.
It's "Brett DeLauter, a Dental Corporation.
" Guy's a dentist.
Huh.
All right, let's check it out.
Yeah.
Whoa.
Wow.
Oh, shit.
Mac, look.
There it is.
Oh.
Holy shit, this dentist must have gone insane after his dog died.
I mean, look at this.
Charlie, I'm beginning to think that we may have stumbled onto one of the greatest discoveries of modern times.
Follow me here.
What if the key to Adolf Hitler's madness was the death of his dog? What? Okay, when he was a kid, he had this little, sweet, little puppy, and he was the happiest chap in all of Germany.
Right, "I love chocolate.
I love my dogs.
" Yeah, but then his beloved pet was ripped from him, and he was like, "That's it.
I'm totally going to kill everybody, take over the world.
" That is what happened.
I mean, that's definitely what happened.
Oh, hi, you must be Mr.
Miller.
No.
Yeah.
Ready for those braces? Yeah, but I wanted the Yeah, we can go in.
Yeah.
We can pop in real quick.
Yep.
Dude, I'm telling you, this is like The Da Vinci Code.
Oh, man, I wonder who's going to play me.
I was thinking maybe Mark Wahlberg.
What do you think? Hmm, no, you're right, he couldn't match my intensity.
Ryan Gosling-- it's locked in.
It's gonna be Ryan Gosling.
I can't wait to get that painting back up on my wall.
You know what I mean? That's what this is really all about when you think about it.
No, that's not what this is about.
This is about ripping open the fabric of historical fact and making a film about it starring Ryan Gosling as Mac.
Okay, well, I'll play Hitler, then.
That'd be cool.
What are you talking about? I play Hitler in the movie.
Okay, Hitler's not even in it.
It takes place in present day.
Oh, it could be a time- traveling thing.
I see what you're saying.
So then Hitler comes back from the past, he joins us on our adventure, we go on a big caper together.
There's no, there's no time travel in this movie.
It's gonna be a classic like Citizen Kane.
Time travel movies are classic.
This is gonna be-- this is You're driving me-- oh, my God.
What? Mac, I need you to convince Dennis and Deandra not to pull the plug on Pop-Pop.
Why? Because I haven't found his treasure yet.
I need more time.
Okay, Frank, here's the deal.
Pop-Pop does have treasure, and I'll let you in on it if you help me because Charlie is driving me bananas.
He's becoming a threat to this whole operation.
Then you're going to have to take him out of the picture.
Get rid of him.
Yes, sir.
Hey, Charlie, you know, I was thinking, maybe you could play Hitler.
Of course.
I think you've got the range.
I know I do, Mac.
And I think you're right.
I mean, the leader of the Third Reich defying laws of physics to join us in our present-day adventure- that makes sense.
It's a better movie.
Good call.
Yeah, I've also decided to direct.
Mm-hmm, let's lock that in.
Yeah, is that? What is-- what are you doing? Why are you doing that? Hmm? Oh, I am so happy that you have decided to end this.
As soon as we get this little issue resolved, I'll no longer have a legal obligation to deal with you.
Yeah, it's not really resolved, I think, in the sense that you were hoping for.
No.
When we said we were gonna end this, we didn't mean "kill.
" Not end it.
What are you talking about? We're not going to do it.
We're not going to do it.
We, we don't want a man's death on our hands.
Okay, listen, you don't want the man's blood on your hands, you don't want to give the order, then, fine, I'll give.
Just grant me power of attorney, and I'll give the order myself.
You would do that? Oh, absolutely.
Let's do it.
Perfect.
I'm telling you, Frank, Gosling has got to be the one because he's the only one that can handle my intensity.
God, you're obsessed with Ryan Gosling.
Well, no, I just think Charlie? Mac, you know the best thing about time travel movies? They're full of surprises.
Oh.
Beautiful painting you've got there.
Too bad it's the wrong one.
Huh? That's not this is the painting.
You got the wrong painting.
I don't know, they look exactly alike.
Silence, fools.
This has gone on long enough.
This painting clearly causes madness in men.
And it must be destroyed.
Charlie, no, no destroying that painting.
That's a piece of history.
That's the key to Hitler's madness.
Oh, this? Come on.
I painted this.
What? I painted it and I loved it, so I saw an opportunity to get it back, but now I'm realizing that this painting is making us all crazy-- crazy.
Hitler's painting, the key to the Holocaust, Ryan Gosling playing you? Ridiculous.
This has to end now, and so I have the final solution.
I'm going to burn this painting and you can't stop me.
We won't.
What? Dude, if that's not an original Hitler, then who gives a shit? Yeah.
Oh, yeah, all right.
Did you like my whole, my whole thing I was doing there? Huh? I need final verbal confirmation.
Yes, just do it already.
Wow, what an asshole, huh, Doctor? You are killing a man.
You know that, right? There's a lot of mercy in this decision.
I commend it.
Oh, you commend-- well, you know, I mean, technically we gave the order to him to, to give to you, so Yeah, if you feel like commending- if you're in the mood for commending, you could Right, if you're gonna throw some commendations around, you know, just We'll take 'em.
Okay.
Wow.
Uh-oh, here we go.
What is that? Uh, he seems to be breathing on his own.
That happens sometimes.
Uh, how long until he's not breathing on his own? Until he perishes? Right.
Could be months, weeks, days.
Who knows? He's a fighter, this one.
Son of a bitch.
Well, if you'll excuse me, we've had an incredible amount of stray dog attacks all over the city, so our E.
R.
is slammed.
Hmm.
Well, you know what? It's okay, let's go.
He had nothing of value to leave us anyway.
Yeah, come on.
Well, actually he did.
Burn, baby, burn.
Dude, I'm still psyched about this movie.
Okay, the ending needs a little bit of work 'cause nobody cares about an original Charlie Kelly.
Well, it's not an original, you know.
I just painted over one of the old paintings that he gave me, so Who? Pop-Pop.
So Pop-Pop did give you the painting? Well, it was in the box of junk that he gave me, but it's just trash.
That's an even worse ending.
It's so complicated.
I can't even follow the goddamn story.
I-I don't care.
Dude, Gosling.
Gosling will not play you!