Mad About You s08e01 Episode Script

Swear to God, I didn't recognize them when they walked in.
How long has it been since the last time we saw them? Oh, boy.
Must be, like 20 years.
It's been a long time.
People change.
Not to be catty, but you don't think she looked a little- - I thought she looked fine.
Ah, not fine, but- Yeah, she - she looked fatigued, I gotta say, yeah.
She looked a little worn down.
- Right? - Yeah.
He did not look well, I thought.
Yeah, well, you know, even before he didn't look that good.
Do I Am I fatigued looking? No.
- Seriously, do I look - what did you call her? "Worn down"? - No, not at- She had a very tough couple of years.
- Okay, you haven't seen me in 20 years.
- Okay.
- I walk into a restaurant.
- All right.
I say, "Wow, look at you! You look fantastic.
" I'm saying it's 20 years later.
I understand.
- I walk in.
- Yeah.
Beautiful.
- But if you look really close.
- I'm looking close.
If you put your glasses on.
These are reading Just Yeah, I see what you mean.
Tell me why I love you like I do Tell me who Can stop my heart as much as you If we take each other's hands We can fly into the final frontier I'm mad about you, baby Final frontier - I'm mad about you - Final frontier Ohh Final frontier - Okay, I'm putting the Post -its in with the pencils and the pencil sharpener.
You know, she hasn't used a pencil since second grade, right? - I don't care.
Who goes to college without a pencil? Hey, do you want me to start loading the elevator? - Not yet, she's got more.
- Oh, come on.
How much more could there be? - Oh, my God, we are so late.
I wanted to get there early enough to get the good bed without looking like I was trying to get there early enough to get the good bed.
But it's college, right? It's a dorm.
It probably isn't a good bed.
But if there is one, I want it.
Is thisis this is this everything? No, no, there's more.
Did you pack your phone charger? - Yes! - What is even in here? I don't know, I think, like, sheets and towels and 144 condoms? - Her idea.
- Honey.
- It's college.
- Exactly.
It's not post-war Saigon.
Why-why-why- - Phone charger? - Oh, my God.
Yes.
Okay? Can we please go? - Yes.
- Let's go.
Okay, let's go.
Ssweetie, did you get a chance to to read the little poem I wrote you? I did not get to read the whole thing yet.
Butbut you have it? - Of course.
- Okay.
It's right here with all of my I know exactly where it is.
She couldn't take two minutes to read the poem.
Okay, but you're not gonna read it to her now, right? I'm not gonna read the whole thing, but I I'm begging you.
I know you had this whole little moment planned out in your head.
- She's leaving the nest.
- I understand.
- Found it! - She does not need to see you cry right now.
I don't need to see you cry right now.
- Okay, okay.
I won't - fine, I won't read it.
I put it right where I wouldn't forget it.
Yeah, but now it's all wrinkled.
Sweetie, the only reason I mention the phone charger is I know- Oh, my God.
You literally don't believe me.
- Of course I believe you.
- You wanna see it? No, I don't- Okay.
Great.
I just know a lot of times I think I grab one thing and later it turns out I grabbed a different thing.
- Where you going now? - Wrong friggin' charger.
Sweetie, debilitating sadness debilitating is L-I-T? - What did you write? When you read the whole thing it makes more sense.
Can we please go? Can we take a picture, please? - Mom, no, no, no.
- You're not gonna wanna do it later when all your new friends are there.
- Fine.
- Okay.
Okay, let's go.
The beginning is kind of sweet, I thought.
"Every baby bird must someday fly and leave the nest Oh, for God's sake.
Okay, okay, okay.
Let's go.
You ready? I'm ready.
I'm as ready as a person can be.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Hang on.
Gotta pee.
From reading? No.
From, like, an hour ago, but I didn't want you to be late.
I really don't wanna be late.
Just go pee fast.
Well, that's not always up to me.
Hello, Buchmans! - Mr.
Wicker.
- Oh, boy am I glad I caught up with you guys before you left.
You are taking a lot of stuff.
I thought you were going to NYU.
- I am.
- Well, it's five blocks away.
It's five very long blocks.
- Hey, Mr.
Wicker.
- That was fast.
Yeah, I didn't go.
I won't take up a lot of your time.
But I thought you would get a kick out of this.
You know what that is? A picture of your parents bringing you home from the hospital.
How about that? - Ohh.
- Aww.
Ohh! You were a delightful child.
Muah.
And don't you be a stranger.
Okay, if you need me Buchmans, you know where to find me.
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
You know what we forgot to do? And I think we're gonna kick ourselves if we don't do it.
"Every baby bird must fly and leave the nest.
"And even though our hearts are breaking, we wish you all the -" Oh, we'll read it in the car.
You know, you guys can go.
I can make the bed.
That's okay.
I'm almost finished.
Ew.
What is that? - Mattress protector.
- So what's that, then? - Mattress pad.
- No, I thought that was the mattress protector.
- It is.
- For bed bugs.
Yeah.
Okay, so if a bug is strong enough to make it past the first protector and fight its way through a mattress pad, what makes you think it couldn't break through the second protector? - Do you wanna live with bugs? - No.
You know, you could be helping me with this.
- I just offered.
- It's fine.
I've got it.
That's the sound it makes.
All right, fine.
Your roommate seems very nice.
What's she from Syria? That's so impressive.
Yeah? Why is that impressive, Mom? No.
I mean to be that committed to an education that you travel halfway around the worid.
And yet, her parents got here early enough to get the good bed.
Okay.
- You know what? I - I think it's time that you guys should go, anyway.
No.
What do you mean? Why? Why? Because I have the dorm orientation thing.
Okay, but that doesn't mean we have to Attention parents, it's time to say good bye.
So this is it.
This is it.
Thank you for my nice poem.
Mabel? You coming? Yeah, yeah.
I'll be right there.
I gotta go.
- I love you.
I love you, too.
Now, go.
Go, go, go, go.
I think it went pretty good, right? Oh.
- How you doing there, tiger? - I'm okay now.
How about now? Slightly less so.
Boy, was it always this quiet? Mm.
How about you? - What? You okay? I am, yeah.
Well, all right.
Well, here we are.
- I know, right? Well, welcome to Tahiti.
Tahiti.
I don't know what you're saying.
We made it to Tahiti.
Wha-when Mabel was a baby and you were up every 20 minutes breastfeeding, remember one night, you crawled into bed and you said, "When this kid goes off to college, we're going to Tahiti.
" I said that? Yes, you said that.
- Huh.
- Seriously.
What- All right, well, then, why do you think for the last 17 years, whenever things got crazy with Mabel, I would wink at you and say, "Tahiti.
" To be honest, I never really understood that.
- What are you talk - You used to wink back.
I didn't wanna hurt your feelings.
All right.
Well, then, were you not puzzled? Like, "Why does my husband keep saying Tahiti?" I thought maybe it was some kind of movie reference I was supposed to know.
Like, "Rosebud.
" "Tahiti.
" - No.
- There was a period in the middle where I thought you were saying "Tahini.
" Who's that? I-what? This is very unsettling.
I was under the erroneous assumption for years that we were on the same page about this, but- A child leaves home, it's like a death.
Not a death, God forbid.
I shouldn't use the word "death.
" It's a loss.
It's a terrible, horrible loss.
It's-it's brutal.
It just rips the heart right out of your chest.
And I find the only salve for that is to suppress your feelings with food.
So I got you some lox, some whitefish some kippered salmon.
I don't know whether you guys like sturgeon or not, but I got some anyway.
And a little piece of sable.
Holy Malloy, is that stuff expensive.
How are you guys? We're fine.
Mark, this is so nice.
- And totally unnecessary.
- It's so much food.
That's what my beautiful bride said.
But I lost that argument.
- Oh, my goodness, more food.
- What did you guys do? In case you were wondering what a lifetime supply of bagels looked like, here you go.
How you guys doing? - You know what? She's a rock, I had a bit of a bumpy morning.
Oh, please.
Empty nest? It's a killer.
- Mark.
- No.
No, that's what broke up my marriage.
I'm not saying Fran and I didn't have our problems.
But the minute that kid left the house, boom! Dead marriage.
My darling, I beg you to stop talking, and yet, you don't.
- You see? From Fran, that would've sounded critical.
But from my Tonya it's comforting.
Okay.
We're gonna get out of your hair.
No, no, we can't eat this all by ourselves.
Come help me.
- No, we got thing- Just a little bite so as not to seem rude.
So, did you read that terrific review for Ira's restaurant? Ah-how about that? Isn't that something? - Yeah, "New York Times," huh? I know.
Have you been in the restaurant lately? No, we're gonna try and go later today, but Did you read that review? I just said-yes.
How big a day is today, huh? - Well.
- I mean, my very favorite and only niece leaves for college.
I gotta say a proper good-bye, 'cause I want her to see me see her walk out that door, so I'm certainly not gonna miss this momentous moment.
- Okay.
We dropped her off, like, an hour ago.
- Oh, poo! - Yeah.
- So, "a rock," huh? - What? Your only child leaves home for college, and you're a rock? Is it bad that I'm okay with it? All right, listen to me.
My practice is overflowing with women whose kids have left for college.
And to a person, these women are undone.
They walk in the door, throw themselves on my couch and cry, and cry, and cry.
They are broken women.
So, you tell me you're all hunky-dory, I gotta question that.
- Isn't the plan to raise them so they're ready to leave and if we do a good job, they go? They say the same thing, and then they cry.
We did a good job, I think.
I'm happy about that.
Well, then maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe you found a way to navigate these shark-infested waters gracefully.
In that case, I salute you.
- Well, I thank you And I salute you right back.
Tahiti? You know how long a flight that is? It's not actual Tahiti, it's a metaphor.
- Hey, Lisa.
- Hey.
Did you see how much food you have? - I did.
Sweetie, explain Tahiti to them, would you? Uh, Tahiti, you know, like, Tahiti.
I don't know.
I have to say, I'm impressed.
I would've bet money that she'd be a wreck.
But good for her.
- Paul cried.
- All right.
- That's healthy.
And he wrote a beautiful poem.
- All right.
- It's a little long.
- I mean, to be so composed.
- Huh.
What? Guess who didn't make her bed? Marie Antoinette.
'Cause she was the queen.
Wait, what happened? Your daughter leaves for college, and she doesn't make the bed.
- Sh -sweetie, she always doesn't make her bed.
Yeah, but today? Her last day at home, she doesn't take time to make the bed? That's a message.
- What's the message? Well, it isn't "Thanks for 17 years of love and support.
" - Here it comes.
- No.
it's not what you think.
It's the bed.
Feels a little passive aggressive to me.
Maybe I'm wrong.
I'm letting it go.
Well, I'd say Hey, you know what? I noticed the bed, and I didn't love it.
No one would love it.
Ask those lunatic patients of yours.
They wouldn't love it.
Those giris would be peeing down their own leg.
But me? I let it go.
What are you looking at? - Oh! - You didn't make your bed.
- What? - I don't think you meant to send that kind of message, did you? You probably just forgot.
You see where I am, right? I'm in college.
Exactly.
And someday you're going to come home and when you do, you'll probably want a nicely made bed waiting for you.
So why don't you come on home and make it? No.
- Sweetie.
- I'm not coming home just to make my bed.
- Well, I- - If you make me make my bed, I'll never come home.
In which case, it doesn't really matter if the bed gets made or not.
How about that? Well, I'm not making your bed.
- Well, I'm not asking you to.
- Good.
If it bothers you that much, maybe just get rid of the bed.
So what'd she say? Is that- is that you to me, or- Her to me.
I'm paraphrasing.
- Ahh! - Can I say something? You people! You don't have to physically come here to say things.
If this is about the frickin' bed- Listen to me.
You have been out of the house an hour and a half, and in that short time, it's all gone to hell.
So I need you to come home.
You gotta make the bed.
You don't really want me to make the bed.
- Uh, yes I do.
- It's what Mom wants.
So? She's manipulating you.
So? Listen, you and I both know this isn't about the bed.
But really, it's about the bed.
So what I'm saying is come home, make the bed.
But don't think of it as doing it for Mom, think of it as doing something for me.
I'm not gonna come home and make the bed because A, it's ridiculous.
But two, I'm protecting you.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
How do you think Mom's gonna feel if she couldn't get me to come home, but when you come here and ask, I say, "Sure"? It's not gonna sit well, trust me.
I'm helping you.
You're welcome.
Very nicely played.
Hey, nice to see you again.
Yep, that's my dad.
"Finally, authentic Italian food "that with every bite transports you "straight to the hills of Tuscany.
Every dish a sublime work of perfection.
" - Is this fantastic? - No, wait, wait.
"Mr.
Buchman and Executive Chef Lucia Francavella "have brought to the downtown eating scene a most welcome addition.
" I'm How about that? I'm so proud of you, Splinky.
No kidding.
She says I've read this thing so many times my eyes are gonna- Something about my eyes.
Oh, I'm telling you, Paulie, this woman My God.
And now this? I just-Oh, I just feel so friggin' blessed that my life is so damn good.
I'm sorry.
I cut you off before.
You were saying, tough day today, huh? Well, yeah, no, not the best morning.
Uh-you know, Jamie's taking it a bit- I don't know.
I always had this picture in my head that when Mabel- Mmm! My-Paulie! You gotta taste this.
- It's okay.
You know what? I'm really not- - No, no, no, no.
- No, you know what? My- - Just-just- My stomach's been I can't even get Oh, that's pretty good.
Muah! Oh, my God.
That woman.
Ah, I'm sorry.
Paulie, you were saying, Mabel, James- - Yeah, no.
Just, nah, the way Jamie's acting is- You know, Mabel moving out, it's brutal for both of us.
But the way she's acting is-is- Paulie.
It's her daughter.
What do you expect? I understand.
It's my daughter, too.
Yeah, but you're not the mother.
Look, that-that child, that person who you saw leave home today, that person came out of her body.
That's the depth of the bond.
Now, when you have a person come out of you, then we can talk.
Go to her, Paulie.
When did this happen? When did you become, like, wise? I've always been wise.
You know, I didn't show it a lot.
I thought people might find it off-putting.
You're absolutely right.
All right, you know what? I'm gonna get going.
- No, hey, hey.
You gotta take some pasta home for James.
No, no, please.
You know what, I got - Paulie.
- No, no, no.
The woman is in pain.
She needs nurturing.
I'll whip up something extra fantastico.
- You just said go to her so- - What, empty handed? Don't be a lunatic.
Okay.
Honey? Sweetie? James? I got pasta.
I didn't mean to startle you.
- Oh, really? - Your room looks nice.
Are you both just insane? I can't speak for your father, but as the person who just broke your bed apart with my bare hands, possibly.
- You broke my bed? - Yes.
It felt really good.
But then I took a long walk, and a deep breath and I want to apologize to you.
The truth it wasn't really about the bed.
You think? You have a lot on your plate.
You didn't deserve that.
So whatever happened before, it wasn't you, it was me.
Would you mind saying that again? It's not you, it's me.
Thank you.
Okay.
I'm gonna go.
- You don't have to.
- Mm.
I'm gonna go.
- Hello.
- Hi.
How are you? That's my mom.
- How did - how did I miss you? She walked in right after you left.
What is with you guys? Hey, today has been a little crazier than usual.
I got you pasta.
- No! No, come on.
That's cold, now.
Gimme.
- No, that's really too many- - I'll make you fresh.
I'm really not hungry, but thank you.
I got it.
I'm glad you texted me, 'cause I went home, and Did you see the bed? I did.
I went over and apologized to Mabel.
You went over there again? Okay.
You know how I said I didn't remember Tahiti? I remember Tahiti.
Thank you.
All right, so I don't understand I thought Mabel would grow up and leave and I could just go back to being who I was before.
I don't even remember who that person is anymore.
That's a lot of years we just went through and- Okay, and I'll start with this, huh? You know what, we're really not hungry.
Oh, just smell.
Smell.
Smells very good.
Okay.
- Have a- Okay.
I'm so tired.
My brain is tired.
My body doesn't work the same way it used to.
Everything hurts.
You remember sex? Vaguely.
Well, hey, if you wanna go there, I am totally ready- If you think Tahiti means a whole bunch of sex right away- - No, no, no, Tahiti does not mean sex.
Tahiti does not mean sex.
Okay, maybe a little bit of sex.
A smidgen.
Yes, I would imagine some sex would be involved.
But you know what? You-you can't- sweetie, you can't- you can't take it all on your shoulders.
Listen, I'm not the same guy I used to be.
Sorry.
- You know, it - it's just part of life, right? I mean, people get older.
You can't-you can't expect to have that same spark.
You know, that's not possible.
What about Ira? He's your age.
Lucia's like my age.
Look at them.
- Okay.
Totally different story.
First of all, she's Italian.
So, you know, factor that in.
You know what I'm saying.
But second of all, they've been together, what, like a year and a half, two years? - Something like that.
Yeah, so, they're rookies.
You know-and, keep in mind, they're not - they're not married.
That's-that's a totally different story.
So, what, we should get a divorce? If you think it'll help the marriage, I would.
Sweetie, Iyou know, there's no way around it.
That-that great part of our lives, you know, the- the little girl that climbed into bed with us and we'd read stories and carry her into bed- Or, you know, hold her hands and swing her over the waves at the beach, and she'd laugh herself silly, yeah, that - that kid is gone.
She's the love of my life.
I know.
Wait a minute, you guys haven't tasted that yet? Taste that! Your head's gonna explode.
- All right.
- Come on, maniga, mangia.
All righty.
Mangia.
Look at you two.
It's like "Lady and the Tramp.
" That's so funny that you would say That's Mabel's favorite movie.
- Who gave it to her? - That was you? - Yeah.
- Oh.
I mean, come on.
The dogs and the spaghetti.
How do you beat that? Enjoy.
You know we have to do that now, don't you? - What? The "Lady and the Tramp" thing with the spaghetti.
Ah, okay.
Come here.
You gotta - you gotta find the long one, that's the trick to the whole thing.
You gotta get an extra-long one.
Why are we doing this? Because, as you may recall, when the dogs eat the same piece of spaghetti, it pulls their lips together, and when the lips come together, they kiss, and it's very nice.
Yeah, all right.
There you go.
All right, that's something.
Okay, so now you take one end of it- Not with a fork.
You ever see a dog use a fork? You take it in your hand.
Okay, all right.
So you put it-there you go.
Watch, I'm telling you, this'll work.
You put it in your mouth.
And you gotta look away.
Don't look.
See, you start looking away.
Okay, you ready? Mm-hmm.
What do you have in like, a stronger noodle? What do you think Home office - Works for me.
- Yeah.