M*A*S*H (MASH) s08e01 Episode Script

[ Hawkeye .]
What do you know? The foot bone is connected to the leg bone.
[ B.
J.
.]
No iron deficiency in this kid.
I'm beginning to think my M.
D.
stands for metal detector.
[ Hawkeye .]
Wouldn't you just love to see a tennis elbow or a simple case of warts? Case of warts? No, thanks.
Six-pack is all I can handle.
Will this drollery never cease? Attention, personnel, Charles has just called a cease drollery.
- [ Nurse Laughs .]
- Lieutenant, if you're through laughing - could you give me the tape I asked for? - You didn't ask for tape, sir.
- Don't give me any excuses,just give me the tape.
- Begging your pardon, sir -you didn't ask her for any tape.
- Who asked you? Greetings.
I bet you miss the peace and quiet of combat.
What's your name? Conway, sir.
Private Paul Conway.
Well, Private Paul Conway, no broken bones but your simple torn ligaments have simply made my day.
This is the kind of injury that makes me homesick.
- Let's go.
Come on.
- I feel like a civilian doctor.
Margaret, pass me my putter and see this man is charged an arm and a leg.
- Make sure it's the good leg.
- Doctors, all combat injuries should be taken seriously.
- But I wasn't hurt in combat.
- I thought you just came in off the line.
I did, but what happened was when we got the signal to move out - I fell in a foxhole.
- [ Hawkeye, B.
J.
Laughing .]
No more jokes, huh, Doctors? He feels bad enough already.
Why, Margaret, this is a side of you I've never seen.
Not even when the shower curtain fell.
Why don't you people just tend to your knittin'? I'm sorry, Colonel, but this guy's ankle has tickled my funny bone.
A body not sublet by bullet, grenade or mortar demands comment if not a standing ovation.
It's just common decency not to laugh at another person's misfortune.
You're not gonna believe this one.
Two broken collarbones.
Poor guy was in a foxhole when some clown fell on him.
[ Margaret Laughing .]
Margaret, a little common decency, please.
Radar, thank God it's you.
I've called all over Tokyo.
Klinger, I told you the last time you called me, I don't wanna talk to you.
- Good-bye.
- Please.
I'm climbing the walls trying to do your job and-- - [ Laughter .]
- What's that noise? Hey, there's a big party going on here, you know.
- Tokyo's a wild place.
- Livin' it up pretty good, huh? I would be if you wouldn't keep disturbing my ''festivising.
'' - Reach my wife yet? - I'm working on it, sir.
Really trying.
I don't want you trying.
I want you succeeding! You hear that, Radar? I don't know what's wrong between the colonel and Mrs.
Potter but he's driving me crazy.
[ Imitating Potter.]
Did you reach my wife yet? For three days, no one answers at her house.
Where else can she be? Well, she plays canasta at Willa Norman's on Tuesday and bridge at Edna Hazeltine's on Thursdays unless Mr.
Hazeltine's lumbago is acting up, and then they go to Muriel Barlow's.
Let the phone ring.
She drinks.
Listen, can I go now? This call is disturbing the party.
Muriel Barlow's.
I feel like a census taker.
[ Potter .]
Is that my wife, Klinger? Uh, the lines got crossed, sir.
I'm talking to Guam.
Ask them if they've seen Mildred.
Okay, Radar, I got it.
But can you cut one ''R'' out of your R & R and come back now, please? Look,just don't bug me anymore.
I got too much wildness going on here to answer any of your dumb questions.
Say hi to Colonel Potter and Hawkeye.
Bye.
Bye.
[ Loud Chattering .]
Hey! Knock off the noise in there, will ya? There's people on R & R over here.
Resting and reading.
Okay, Klinger, you're surrounded.
When are we gonna get some fresh laundry? - I just tried to fold my sheet and it broke.
- Please, I'm eating.
- Don't try to play on our sympathy.
- What smells so good? Gentlemen, let me introduce you to a long-lost friend-- food.
If that's food, what's it doing in the Mess Tent? Around here, food is what we play handball with.
Two weeks ago, my fork went over the hill.
Just taste it.
Come on.
Mmm.
Mmm! Fantastic.
- What is this? - Spam Parmesan.
Spam Parmesan? In Italy, you can get the death penalty for that.
Taste it.
Just taste it.
Oh! Oh! May I quote you on that, sir? If this was a building, it would be the Taj Mahal.
If it was a woman, it would be Mrs.
Taj Mahal.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Are we supposed to believe that this little bit of heaven was concocted by our cook? The cook who made ''food'' a four-letter word? I'm getting that bum reassigned to the garbage detail.
- Don't tell the flies, they'll leave.
- I found us a real cook.
- Hey, Conway, come here.
- [ B.
J.
.]
Conway? ''Look out below'' Conway? The man whose feet are all thumbs? He must have stumbled over this recipe by accident.
He says the secret's in the sauce.
Gentleman, Chef Paul Conway, fresh from Café Pierre, New York.
[ Clapping .]
I'm glad you like it.
Boy, it's fun to cook again.
Oh, this food is miraculous.
What are you doing tossing grenades instead of salads? I told the personnel people I was a cook, and they make me a rifleman.
See, you should have lied.
I'm a plumber.
Look where they put me.
Yeah, so far it's worked fine.
Hardly any of his patients ever spring a leak.
And I do my best, honest, but I am such a rotten soldier.
Whenever I'm carrying my rifle, the guys will never get near me.
But put a spatula in his hand, he's Toscanini.
Yeah, I'm comfortable in the kitchen.
You might say he's at home on the range.
[ Laughs .]
Parmesan.
The meat is a mystery, but it's definitely Parmesan.
Well, now we know you're good, Conway.
You heard it straight from the horse's nose.
You see, Major, Conway here was a chef.
Klinger, please, do not shatter this moment.
[ Sniffs .]
Charles, are you going to eat that Spam or marry it? Sir, if ours were a truly civilized nation, you would be king.
Seems to me a clever doctor could find a way to hang on to a great cook like this.
Klinger, he can only stay until his leg is better and then we'll break the other one.
- Five minutes to coq au vin.
- I can hardly wait.
Nothing in my entire life has provided me with the sensual ecstasies of last night's powdered eggs Benedict.
Or the rapture ofTuesday's chipped beef Wellington.
- [ Laughing .]
- Ah, what to wear, what to wear.
- Be a trendsetter, wear the green.
- You're right.
Better get a move on, Charles.
You know how crowded the Mess Tent is these days.
Gentlemen, please, anticipation is in itself a sensory delight.
A moment to be savored and relished.
Not to be-- Not to be rushed into and wallowed in - like swine in a trough.
- Okay, Charles but you'll be talking out of the other side of your snout if they run out of food.
I will be there when I am appropriately groomed and dressed.
Let him groom.
The less he eats, the more there is for us.
I like you.
You're devious.
Maybe I am and maybe I'm not.
- ?? [ Soft .]
- Table of six for Corporal Herbert.
Thank you.
Come back again, please.
Table four is open.
Excuse me.
Would you look at this crowd? More people than yesterday.
Never fear, the headwaiter is an old army buddy of mine.
- Names, please? - Klinger, when are we gonna get a table? - We're starving.
- I'd like to eat dinner before breakfast.
I'm sorry.
We're booked solid.
Perhaps you might do a little shopping.
Come back in an hour.
Will that be a party of two? You're gonna have a party of five on your nose if we don't get some food.
Look, Captain, this is the opportunity of a lifetime for me.
That kid is an artist.
All he needs to make it big is the proper management.
- You wouldn't happen to have somebody in mind? - He cooks.
I promote.
We're gonna open our own place after the war-- Chez Klinger.
Toledo is crying for another four-star restaurant.
The other one closed when all the pinboys quit.
Look, Chez,just get us a table.
You gotta wait your turn.
No exceptions.
- Max, good evening.
- Ah, Major Winchester and Mrs.
Winchester du jour.
- Your table's ready.
- My dear.
Right this way, please.
Wine list.
Back.
Back.
I think we just saw a new dance, the Lebanese fast shuffle.
- Very big in Boston.
- Ah-ah-ah! - What about no exceptions? - Not to mention booked solid.
Well, the major and I have an, uh, arrangement.
If one wishes V.
I.
P.
treatment, there are ways.
Oh, I understand.
- There's a good way.
I feel a table opening up now.
- All right.
- Follow me, please.
- All we had to do was cross his palm - with his shoulder blade.
- There you are, gentlemen, our fireside table.
- The stove? - Too bad it's not lit.
After dinner, we could have warmed our feet and whittled.
Yeah, your first course will be along in a moment.
If you need me, ask for Lefty.
You can always tell a chic restaurant by how smartly everyone's dressed.
- And the number of jeeps parked in front.
- Do you think we can join you? We've been waiting a long time.
I've been on shorter fasts.
- Our stove is your stove.
- Fresh rolls.
- Roll, Father? - Oh, no, no, thank you.
My cassock is getting a little tight in the vestibule.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
- You said a mouthful, Margaret.
Ah, Colonel Potter.
Care to share our stove? - Roll, Colonel? - No, thanks.
Just the coffee.
You know, I haven't seen you eat anything in days.
That's what happens when you're not hungry.
A good meal might make you feel better.
Why is everybody poking their nose into my stomach? It's just that Private Conway's preparations are sinfully delicious.
Why is he still here? He oughta be recuperating down in Seoul like everybody else.
Trouble is, Colonel, we send him down to Seoul, they send him back to combat.
Well, what's wrong with that? You've had your fun.
You've stuffed your faces.
- But the game's over.
- It's not just the food.
In combat, the man's a menace.
You put him back on the front line, he'll trip over it.
Colonel, I ask you-- Are these the buns of a warrior? Cooking seems to be Conway's true vocation.
When you're wearing a green tuxedo, you dance where they tell ya.
Oh, but, Colonel, in this case perhaps the army has made an error.
Private Conway really doesn't belong in an infantry company.
Damn it! Nobody said this was easy.
None of us are where we wanna be.
See this? It's from my wife.
I'm breaking my bunions over here, and she's nagging me, via airmail, to come home.
My whole marriage might be fading into the sunset but I'm still doing my job.
So, Conway can just suck it in and do his.
Now get that man's tail back on the line, pronto! - Sir, I got her! I got her! - Mildred? No, sir, I got the operator in Hannibal.
That's the closest I've been so far.
Hello.
This is Colonel Potter.
Yes, I'm really in Korea.
I'm over here making the world safe for bad phone service.
Well, you people must be pushing the wrong buttons.
I've been calling for five days.
She's gotta be home sometime.
Your best isn't good enough.
Do better! Of course I'm yelling.
Wouldn't you? My wife is calling me selfish, inconsiderate and thoughtless.
Who asked you? - Hello? Hello? Damn it.
- Hi.
- I'm busy, Pierce.
- I need some advice.
See, I have this friend who has a personal problem.
I don't know how to tell him if he's willing to talk, I'd be happy to listen.
Hawkeye, I appreciate your concern, but the best thing you can do for me is leave me alone.
- Might help to open up a little.
- No, I gotta think this one out myself, solo.
Okay, but if you change your mind, I'm the first ear on the left.
Boy, you people take the cake.
First you're military personnel experts.
- Now you're all marriage counselors.
- Everybody needs a hobby.
I think we'd all be better off if we just did our jobs and let other people take care of their own personal problems, okay? - Okay, fine.
I just thought maybe-- - Good of you to drop by, Pierce.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a patient to check.
I'm not as versatile as everyone else around here.
I'm just a doctor.
Look, Captain, try viewing this as an exercise in common sense.
What the hell are you doing? What is this? I can only guess they're reenacting the life of Alexander Graham Bell.
Charles is just getting through to Don Ameche, Colonel.
- What's going on here, Klinger? - Well, I-I, uh - think an officer could explain it better, sir.
- Thanks.
You're talking to the adjutant general's office, right? - About that Conway kid, right? - Colonel, surely you realize-- - Against my direct orders, right? - Conway is misplaced-- - Say ''Right,'' Winchester.
- Right.
- The phone.
- Right.
- That's telling him, Charles.
- Hello.
This is Colonel Potter.
That was Major Winchester.
I know that, but he's a good doctor.
All right, Captain, let's can the palaver.
Just get me General Haggerty right now.
I've never been so insulted in my life.
- God knows I've tried.
- You tried the old badger game too, didn't you? Keep the old badger busy in his office, while the rest of the gang pulls the switcheroo.
Come on, Colonel, you know me better than that.
Honestly, Colonel, Pierce didn't know we were doing this.
Bud, Sherman Potter.
Does your group have time to waste playing musical soldiers? Of course they don't.
If anyone's transferring out of here, it's gonna be yours truly.
I've had it with this hellhole.
I'd just as soon chuck the whole kit and caboodle.
No, I'm not on the sauce.
I'm dead-dog serious.
There.
Went right to the top, the A.
G.
himself.
Used all my powers of persuasion.
Didn't work.
The Conway thing is now over.
Finished.
Finito.
So, stick to medicine and get back to work.
And, Klinger, you get my wife on the phone or you'll be bunking in the latrine permanently.
- What did he say? - All I heard was ''latrine.
'' I distinctly heard him say, ''Chuck this kit and caboodle.
'' I don't believe this.
He actually thinks I went in there just to con him.
What on earth is the matter with the man? I don't know.
If he wouldn't tell me before, he's sure not gonna tell me now.
Of course he's not telling you.
You all pussyfoot around him as if he were a vestal virgin.
You must appeal to his sense of logic and common sense.
You march into his tent.
You demand to know why he's behaving like an ass.
You're our resident authority on behaving like an ass.
You wanna talk to him? - All right, I will.
- Are you crazy? Let him go, Margaret.
Sincerity didn't work.
Maybe pomposity will.
Absolutely not.
Colonel Potter is a sensible, mature man.
He can work it out himself.
Leave him alone if he doesn't wanna talk.
Leave me alone.
I don't wanna talk.
Sir,you have to talk to me.
- Why? - Because I'm a woman and I can tell you what it's like for a woman to be away from the man she loves.
I've had a lot of experience in that area.
I know that, Margaret, and I know you're trying to help but you really oughta be talking to Mildred.
She tells me she's all by herself watching her life go by.
She thought by now we'd be in some cushy stateside post looking at the sunset in the same hemisphere.
She knew she was marrying a soldier.
I proposed to her in combat boots.
Well, she probably hoped to find them under the bed a little more often.
When a woman is lonely for her man and he's not there, the reasons don't matter.
You just know you're alone, and you get angry.
I know I did.
I'd write Donald terrible, hateful letters.
I'd say the most awful things.
And then the next day, I'd write him again and tell him how much I loved him.
And you know something? Both letters were saying exactly the same thing-- that I needed him.
Margaret.
All I'm saying is that it takes a lot of care and understanding to pull a marriage through the tough times.
Even one that's lasted 40 years.
I appreciate your help, Margaret.
I just hope you're right.
Say there, I-- - Is that a tuxedo? - Of course.
It's after 6:00.
But don't feel bad.
Black tie is optional here.
- Are you trying to be cute? - Oh, no, sir.
If I was trying to be cute, I'd wear a backless formal.
- I'm General Haggerty.
- Haggerty.
Haggerty.
- I'm General Haggerty.
- Haggerty.
Haggerty.
- You have a reservation? - Where's Colonel Potter? Of course, the Potter party.
Table seven.
Right this way.
You better be in the U.
S.
O.
Sherm! Hey! Bud, you old pack mule.
What a surprise.
[ Laughs .]
I see you've met Private Enterprise.
Now say hi to a couple of top cutters, Captains Hunnicutt and Pierce.
- Boys, this is General Haggerty.
- Haggerty? As in Adjutant General Haggerty? Adjutant General Haggerty.
- [ Potter .]
That's right.
- It's a long drive from H.
Q.
You must be starved from processing all those forms and things.
Klinger, uh, can we transfer some food in here? Oh, yeah.
Let's go rustle up some grub.
I hope you don't mind potluck, General.
No, no, no.
Anything is fine.
Well, Bud, what brings you up here? A strange call I got yesterday, Sherm.
All I got in was a hello and two buts.
Yeah, I guess I was a little terse.
Well, if that was terse, I'd hate to see testy.
Sherman, you look as tired as I feel.
Why don't I finagle us a little R & R in Tokyo, huh? Paint the town red, white and blue like in the old days.
No, I'd be crying in my sake.
Come on.
It'd be a ball.
We'll take the U.
S.
O.
guy along for laughs.
Forget it.
I'm in no mood for partying.
Uh-huh.
Something's bothering you.
- All right, let's get it out in the open.
- Now don't you start, Bud.
Sherm, we go back to basic training days.
I know you.
You're not like this.
Talk to me.
Well, maybe you're right.
You're probably the one guy with enough mileage to understand my problem.
Aha, your problem.
Now that's better.
Now we're getting somewhere.
- Voilà.
- Here you go.
- Enjoy, General.
- Well, thank you, men.
Go ahead, Sherm.
- Yeah, please, go ahead.
- Don't stop talking on our account.
It'll feel good to let it out.
We'll go over to my place and open up a jug of the good stuff.
Yeah, let's do that.
Hey, this is fine chow.
You people eat like this all the time? Things have picked up around here since Conway got here.
Wouldn't you say so, Beej? Now that you mention it, Conway has made a difference.
- Come on, chow down.
Let's go open that bottle of scotch.
- Conway.
- Mm-hmm.
- Run him out here.
I wanna meet him.
Hey, Klinger, an order of Conway for table seven.
Maybe I'll just drink it myself.
May I present the Michelangelo of the Mess Tent, Private Paul Conway.
Of Klinger and Conway-- Paris, Toledo and Ouijongbu.
Pleasure to meet you, sir.
Well, the pleasure is mine, son.
This food is fantastic.
- Thank you, sir.
- Yeah, we like it too.
We're really gonna miss him.
We're supposed to be missing him already.
- Why? Where's he going? - Right back up on the front line.
What do you mean front lines? He doesn't work here? He's not your regular cook? He's nobody's cook, General.
The man's a foot soldier, a rifleman.
Well, that's ridiculous.
A man who cooks like this, a rifleman.
Yeah, we were surprised too.
But you know the army-- they got a reason for everything.
Somebody has to do something about it.
We were thinking the same thing, but what can be done? I'll tell you what.
We'll reassign this man.
Change his M.
O.
S.
Change his M.
O.
S.
What a wonderful idea.
Can you really do that? You bet your buns I can.
Conway you are now officially a U.
S.
Army cook.
[ All Whooping .]
Turn in that gun and draw some butter.
Sherman, I don't know about all you doctors.
All that education and you just don't know how to get things done.
Yeah, you're absolutely right, Bud.
Yeah, I guess that's why he's a general, and we're just a bunch of silly surgeons.
Okay, son, as soon as Colonel Potter cuts you loose here you'll be down in Seoul on my personal staff.
- On your-- On what? - On your personal what? I'll be the envy of every general in the Far East command.
Did you just hear our soufflé fall? No, that was my stomach sobbing.
Well, good luck, Conway.
There'll always be a place mat out here for you.
It was inevitable, General.
Chez Klinger moves uptown.
- What? - We're a package, sir.
Where he goes, I go.
Right, buddy? Partners to the end.
Sir, I'm very grateful, but with all due respect I'd like to go back and cook for my old unit up on the line.
I never met this man before in my life.
You'd rather cook for your buddies in combat than for me? - Yes, I would, sir.
- That's the least he can do after running over them - bumping into them and falling on top of them.
- Usually at the same time.
Yeah, that's why I'd like to make it up to the old unit, sir.
How 'bout it, Bud? You always said the boys on the line deserve the best.
Yes, I did, didn't I? Okay, Conway, I admire your loyalty.
You can go back to your old unit.
But just one question.
Do you deliver? I can still taste Conway's duck a l'orange.
- Made with no duck.
- And no l'orange.
Now no Conway.
I hate pretzels.
Imagine what Conway would have made to dip them in.
[ All Groaning .]
Hello, troops.
Lovely night, isn't it? Barkeep, set up a round on me.
I'll have scotch.
Embalming fluid for the funeral party here.
Hello, Colonel.
Looking for a shoulder to laugh on? I'm tickled pink.
Here, Margaret, read this aloud.
It's from Mildred.
I thought you might be interested.
''Dear Sherman, I'm writing you from Pensacola.
'' - Ah, my favorite drink.
- That's in Florida.
No wonder she didn't hear the phone.
Mildred always goes to see her cousin Portia when she needs cheering up.
Strange woman, Portia.
Likes to take her teeth out at parties.
Sounds like your kind of humor, Pierce.
You just don't understand biting satire.
Go ahead, Margaret.
''I met a wonderful young man yesterday, Lyle and Mavis Wilson's boy.
''They're Portia's neighbors.
He's back from Korea where he was wounded ''and he told me a MASH unit saved his life.
''As I listened to him, I could imagine you as his doctor.
''The miles between us seemed to disappear ''and for a few minutes, it was as if you and I were together.
''It made me realize how unfair my last letter was.
''It's just that sometimes I get tired of being alone.
''I get angry and I blame you.
''And when you're not here to yell at, I get even angrier.
I hope you can somehow understand what I'm saying.
'' I can.
A friend of mine explained it to me.
''I might let off steam once in a while, but I adore you.
''I'm very proud of you.
And I wouldn't trade my life for anyone's.
Love, Mildred.
'' What a beautiful letter.
I think I'm gonna cry.
Good.
I don't wanna be the only one.
- You oughta marry that woman.
- If you don't, I will.
No, then she'd be Mildred Pierce.
Colonel, if you do not send that angel a dozen roses and immediately, you are a cad.
Terrific idea, Winchester.
Klinger, you wanna take care of that for me? Oh, right away, sir.
Let's see, I call, uh, Radar in Tokyo.
No, I'll just maybe call Hannibal direct.
I could call Muriel Barlow.
No, she's probably drunk.
Or is she the one who takes her teeth out? - Klinger? - Sir? Forget it.
I'll grow them myself.
It'll be faster.
All right, that's it.
I'm recommending my stomach for a Purple Heart.
The only way to serve these meatballs is with a Ping-Pong paddle.
We could end this war in a minute, you know.
All we have to do is invite North Korea to lunch.
I oughta put the cook on bread and water.
Oh, no, he has to suffer right along with the rest of us.
Do not despair, epicureans.
Chez Klinger rides again.
- Try that.
- Mm.
Looks edible.
[ Sniffs .]
Smells nice.
- Very tasty.
- What is this? A mercy meal from Conway? Not exactly.
The sauce is a recipe he taught me, but I improvised the rest.
- What do you call this? - Goat a la king.