My Family (2000) s08e01 Episode Script

(# Choir chanting) (# Vigorous orchestral music) (Water bubbling) (Laughter) (Baby crying) (# Choir chanting) What are you watching? Everything.
Look at it, Janey.
- Are you sure it's big enough? - Oh, it's perfect.
For a multiplex! You are witnessing a primal ritual bond between man and plasma.
- Yeah.
Can I ask you something, Dad? - Mm? Did you cry like this when I was born? Not like this, no.
Whoa.
Look at it, Janey.
Just look at that.
That's what I've been working my whole life for.
(Gasps) This is what I deserve.
Who's Mr Maclntyre? He's the He lives at number 18.
All right, it's his telly.
I took delivery while he's on holiday.
And nice of you to take it out of its box and test it out for him.
What can I say? I'm a good neighbour.
Anyway, do you want to hear my news? Janey, I didn't want to hear your news when I had a crap TV.
Mum! Mum, I had the most amazing date last night.
His name's Daniel, he's really cute, and he's got a huge (Whispers) bank account.
He showed you his bank account on the first date? His cashpoint slip was just sitting there.
What was I going to do? Not look? Janey, Janey, Janey.
This grasping, avaricious attitude of yours - I wish I had it when I was your age.
The best part - he's a single dad.
He has a son the same age as Kenzo.
I don't know, Janey.
A divorcé? No, no, no, it's better than that.
She's dead! It's perfect.
- (Doorbell) - (Shouting on TV) (TV off) (Mouths) PC 3089, Special Constable Roger Bailey Jr at your service.
- You got a search warrant? - (Laughs) No.
(Both) Ben! Ben! (Both laugh) What are you like? That is no way to treat an officer of the law.
Er, part-time officer of the law.
He took a test to be a part-time fireman but he chafed on the pole.
Ooh! And we got on brilliantly.
Now it's just a question of how the boys get on.
If someone doesn't like your kids, you're pretty much a social pariah.
Mm.
- What does that mean? - Nothing.
- Well, they're coming over tomorrow.
- OK.
Keep them away from Michael's room.
He has an essay to finish.
Oh, yes, God forbid we should disturb the golden child.
How is his walking on water coming along? Stop it, Janey.
He got a distinction for his last essay.
- I'm very proud of him.
- Aren't you proud of me? Oh, darling.
A mother is proud of her child, no matter how big a failure they are.
Thanks, Mum.
Notepad.
Pepper spray.
Handcuffs.
Oh.
Sorry, Rog, I forgot to put them back.
Aha, Mikey! Mikey, Mikey, Mikey.
How was school? I left school six months ago.
I'm at university.
That's right, that's what I said.
You all right? You look a bit down.
I've got some heavy stuff I need to talk to Mum about.
Not sure how she's gonna take it.
You don't always have to run off to Mummy.
I'm a parent too, you know.
Good old Dad, eh? Always here for you.
Come on, Mikey, out with it.
A problem shared, problem solved.
- I've got my girlfriend pregnant.
- (Shrill) Susan! Erm I think your mother's better dealing with this than Susan! - You screamed? - Yeah, Mikey has something he wants to tell you.
Mikey.
Erm Mum you remember how caring and supportive you were when Janey told you she was expecting? - I remember being furious.
- No.
No, no, no, no, you weren't.
You were loving and understanding.
- I don't think so.
- No, no, er, read between the lines, Susan.
- Read between the lines.
- Think of all the joy that little Kenzo's brought you.
Yeah, she's there.
I don't know how this could have happened.
I mean Michael wears rubber gloves to take the rubbish out.
Well, he swears he took precautions, but, er (Chuckles) you know what this is, don't you? - Ben, stop.
- It's the Harper sperm.
- Oh, please.
Sorry, sorry.
They haven't invented a device that can contain them.
Much like toxic waste.
Seriously, Ben, I'm so angry.
Me too.
What a silly boy.
- Not with Michael, with you.
- Me? What have I done? You should have let him know that things like this can happen.
You'd have thought he'd have learned something when I told him he was an accident.
You never told him that! There's nothing to be gained from finger pointing.
No, no, you're right, you're right.
What's happened's happened.
- Exactly.
It's no good blaming each other.
- Right.
- Gets us nowhere.
- Nowhere.
Gets us nowhere.
Gets us nowhere.
I don't I don't blame you.
This is the bit where you say I don't blame you either.
No, but I do! You should have done something to warn him.
He's had nearly 19 years of my grim, depressing existence.
That would have put anyone off fatherhood for life.
If you'd had proper father-son talks with him, none of this would be happening.
Just like your mother-daughter talks with Janey.
Riotous success they turned out to be.
- Oh, my God.
It's just occurred to me.
- What? Janey got pregnant, Michael's got somebody pregnant.
That means - Nick's the responsible one.
- Oh, God.
Yeah.
OK.
I'll talk to my mum and dad about it.
Call you later.
You can't sit there, Kenzo's friend Joshua is coming round.
You can't sit there either.
How big is this kid? Look, you, he's coming round with his father.
They'll be here any minute, so can you just shift? OK, OK, I get it.
You're on the pull.
I'll leave you to it.
- I've got work to do anyway.
- Thank you.
Oh! And, Mike, I meant to say - well done, you! Mum told me your news.
Oh, perfect! You get your girlfriend pregnant and the whole bloody world has to know! I was talking about your essay results.
Yeah, so was I.
You have got a girl pregnant! Oh, Michael! You idiot! Says my wonderful sister, whose legs have two different postcodes.
Says my wonderful brother, who seems to have gone from virgin to father in one night.
Well, I'm genuinely happy.
- Cos now I'm the screw-up? - Just happy to pass the baton.
(Doorbell) - Daniel, come in.
- Thanks.
And you must be Joshua.
Kenzo, Josh is here! - So you found us all right? - Yeah, no problem.
Good.
Kenzo this is Josh.
Josh, this is Kenzo.
Look, Kenzo, why don't you take Josh upstairs and show him your toys, hmm? OK? Come on.
- Well, that went well.
- Yeah, that went great.
Here's a corner.
Show me a corner, show me a corner.
- Please.
Please.
- Go on.
- Hello, corner! - Hello, corner.
How are you doing? Let's go and find the other corner, shall we? - Yes, why don't we? - Here we go! - No, no, no.
- Oh, Ben! Oh, Ben! (Michael) Mum! We're in here, trying to stuff the duvet into the duvet cover.
Oh, please tell me that's not code for something.
And there! Look at that.
Nothing to it.
Mum, Dad, I need to have a word with you.
- What for? - (Slap) Ooh.
What? Oh, sorry.
- I've been talking with Nikki.
- Nikki? Who's Nikki? His girlfriend.
They've been going out for nearly three months.
I've never met her.
That's why they've been going out for nearly three months.
- Sorry, darling, you were saying? - Nikki's spoken to her mum and dad, and they thought it might be a good idea if they came round to discuss the situation.
- Absolutely.
- Absolutely not.
- You think it's a bad idea? - Yeah.
What, having an irate father with a shotgun round here? Not the most brilliant thing I've ever heard, you know? They only wanna talk, Dad, that's all.
- Mr and Mrs Baker thought - (Laughs) - Something funny? - No, no, no, it's not funny.
It's ironic, really, that they're called Bakers and their daughter's got a bun in the oven.
Yeah, I guess you have to be in the right frame of mind for that.
Ask them when they're free, will you, Michael? Erm, there is one other thing.
Need to borrow L1,000.
- Absolutely.
- Absolutely not! - You're saying yes? - Yep.
- You don't even know what he wants it for.
- It's obvious.
Change of identity, new passport, airline tickets.
I'll get me chequebook.
No, that's not what it's for.
I've decided to tie the knot.
It's a bit late for that, Mikey! - Mum, Dad - Yeah.
I'm gonna ask Nikki to marry me and I need to get an engagement ring.
Blimey.
Come on, Mikey, Mikey, a thousand pounds? Good God, that's the kind of money you spend before you sleep with them.
Well, it is.
Say, "Thank you for having me," Joshua.
- Thank you.
- Oh, you're welcome.
And we'll see you tomorrow, all right? Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
(Car passing) I think Joshua's playing with the traffic.
- Oh, God! - Yeah.
Bye! So how did you and Josh get on? - Don't like him.
- Oh, of course you do.
Don't.
- Mummy likes him.
- You be his friend, then.
But he wants to be your friend.
He was nasty.
Nasty people can be fun.
Look at your grandad.
True.
Well, it would be really helpful to Mummy if you could like him.
Hmm? Don't like you either.
Er, wh why don't we sit? On this little seat here.
Susan! OK.
That's a bit of an excessively large television you've got there.
Oh, thank you very much.
I mean, I'm thinking of getting an even bigger one, you know, but, er, hey, don't tell Susan.
- You keep secrets from your wife? - Oh, God, yes.
There's no need for blasphemy, thank you.
This is This is funny.
This is fu I mean, I think it's funny.
(Laughing) It makes me laugh.
But, you know, the fact that you are the Bakers and you've got a daughter with Chips and dips, anyone? Well, this is a tricky business that we're going to have to deal with, isn't it? To put it mildly, Mrs Harper.
And we're very disappointed in Michael.
Nikki's always spoken so highly of him.
In Michael's defence, he did think he had been careful.
Nikki hasn't got pregnant on her own, Mrs Harper.
No, or we'd be waiting for the Three Wise Men to turn up! I don't find that remark particularly funny, Mr Harper.
It's how my husband deals with stress, by being an idiot.
Question is, how do we deal with this situation? Well, we have some good news for you.
Michael is prepared to do the responsible thing and marry Nikki.
Marriage? The Bible clearly says that marriage is a commitment.
It shouldn't be an excuse to make hasty, bad decisions.
Was for us.
Are you saying that you two had to get married? No, no, no.
We had planned to get married, the pregnancy just moved things up a bit.
- So your eldest son was nearly a bastard? - No nearly about it.
Ben! Mr Harper, we feel the responsible thing is for you to make a sensible financial contribution to the child's future.
Say, L20,000? Are you Are you Are you out of your mind? As Proverbs 17:27 teaches us, a man of knowledge uses words with restraint.
Where does it say anything about 20,000 quid? I'm offended by your tone, Mr Harper.
There is no way we would let our daughter marry your son.
He has no idea how to curb his appetites.
Your daughter's not been exactly anorexic in that department.
And what about your daughter? Obviously the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree there.
Say something, Ben! Well, I'm trying, but she's really got me on that one.
We are trying to give you the opportunity to atone for those terrible, sinful mistakes you've made on your family.
- Take more than 20 grand to do that.
- Shut up, Ben.
How dare you come into this house and insult my family? - This meeting is over.
Get out.
- We were hoping that you'd be reasonable people, but clearly we were wrong.
You're not the first to make that mistake.
- We'll say goodbye, then.
- Good night.
(Mrs Baker) I have never been so insulted in my life.
(Mr Baker) Nor have I.
(Mrs Baker) I am absolutely appalled! - What do you think? Church wedding? - Yes.
You'd think a couple of Bible jockeys like them would be only too happy to see their daughter married.
Yep.
Still, Michael's off the hook, thank God.
Yes.
He'd be an idiot to marry at 18.
Stupid! Stupid! I mean, by the time his kid's grown up, the randy little sod'd be 40.
That's 20 years of his life down the toilet.
You two do know I'm sitting here, don't you? Sorry, darling, we're just worried about you, that's all.
- Still gonna ask Nikki to marry me.
- Why? No one expects you to do that.
Because it will give my life focus, meaning.
- That's so romantic.
- It's completely mental.
Why do you wanna get married when you've been handed a get out of jail free card? - Here.
- What's this? If you're determined to marry Nikki, I think you should have this.
- Wow.
- Hang on, where did you get that from? I found it wrapped up at the back of your sock drawer where you hid it.
- I know all your hiding places.
- It's beautiful.
It's not, it's gaudy.
Look at it, it's tasteless, old-fashioned.
Nikki won't like that.
It was your grandmother's engagement ring.
By rights, your father should have given it to me, but never did.
Oh, forgive me! I would have prised it from my mother's finger, but as she was still alive she might have put up a bit of a struggle.
- Now I think you should have it.
- No, no.
It's an heirloom.
That's what an heirloom is, Ben - something you pass down through the family.
An heirloom is something you hold on to and cherish until your wife dies and you buy a sports car.
- Give it to him, Ben.
- No.
Do you want me to tell Michael what else is in your sock drawer? (Doorbell) (Sobbing) Nikki! Come in.
What's wrong? Here, I'll take that.
My parents chucked me out of the house! Oh, just calm down and don't be stressed - it's bad for the baby.
Oh, Michael, what are we gonna do? - I'll figure something out, don't worry.
- (Sobbing) Shh, shh.
- Shh.
- (Sobbing) Shh! Are you ever going back to work? I don't have any patients till Thursday.
- It is Thursday.
- That's what waiting rooms are for.
Hello! I'm Ben Harper, Michael's father.
(Sobbing) Sorry, what did I say? I didn't mention anything about unmarried mothers, did I? The pains of childbirth.
Stretchmarks - (Sobbing) - What? What's the matter? - Dad, we need to have a serious talk.
- OK.
- Right now.
- I understand.
It's all right, Michael.
- I'm here for you.
- Nikki's gonna move in with us.
Mm-hm.
Susan! Susan! - What's wrong? What have you done? - Why do you always assume it's my fault? Experience.
Mum, this is Nikki.
Her parents have kicked her out of the house.
She's got nowhere to stay, I was thinking she could share with me.
Why not? She's already in the club, you can't do any more damage.
Nikki, you're always welcome here.
This is how we behave in a crisis - a family together, united, shoulder to shoulder.
It's the Harper way.
It Is it? Is it? Doesn't ring any bells with me.
Mum, Dad, I've been thinking.
Oh, makes a change.
I've been thinking - when I propose to Nikki, I want my family and friends around me.
So, basically just family.
- Yeah, thanks, Dad.
- That sounds wonderful.
Wonderful? Has everyone in this house gone completely insane? We are inviting a a pregnant girl into this house and you think it's wonderful? - Nikki, I'll show you up to Michael's room.
- Oh, that's OK.
I know where it is.
Actually, that was my parents' room.
Mine's down the hall.
Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you.
- I'm burning those sheets.
- Way ahead of you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hello.
Kenzo's upstairs.
Why don't you go up and say hi? Yeah, why don't you go and play with Kenzo? - Now.
- Oh! (Both chuckle) - It's great to see them get along, isn't it? - Yeah.
- Did Josh say anything about Kenzo? - Loved him! Did Kenzo say anything about Joshua? Couldn't stop talking about him.
(Chuckles) It was fun to watch them in the playground yesterday.
Yeah, that was great.
Look, sorry about Joshua not letting Kenzo off the roundabout.
It's fine.
Kenzo throws up at the playground all the time.
Oh, listen, and thanks for the gift.
You weren't to know that Joshua can't eat peanuts.
Oh, well, at least we all got to ride in an ambulance.
- Yeah, that was great.
- Yeah.
No, we're kind of a nice little group, aren't we? You, me, Kenzo and Josh.
Actually, Janey, I've got a problem with Josh.
Yeah.
No, he can be a bit aggressive, can't he? No, I mean, I don't like him being called Josh.
I prefer Joshua.
Oh.
Yeah! That is what I meant too.
I But you What, you think he's too aggressive? Well it is slightly aggressive to spin a child until they projectile vomit.
Well, he wasn't going that fast.
Maybe Kenzo needs to toughen up a bit.
And become a bully like your son? Well, at least my son can hold down his lunch.
Unless it's peanuts, then it's all, "Ooh, ooh, let's call an ambulance!" Well, excuse me for trying to protect my child, mother of the year.
Mother of the year? At least I taught my kid an ounce of sensitivity toward other human beings.
My Joshua is very sensitive.
I'll have you know, he's had nightmares.
Oh, poor little peanut boy has nightmares.
What a shock! I've had enough of this.
Joshua! Joshua! We're leaving.
Yes, come on.
Josh! Josh! Joshie! Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh.
Get in the car.
We're going.
- Why? - We're having fun.
We're friends now.
- Do you wanna finish our game? - Come on.
So - Dinner Thursday? - Yeah, that'd be great.
Well, I guess as soon as Nikki comes down we can start.
- Are Nikki's parents coming? - No.
They're not interested.
- They're not even talking to her.
- That's a shame.
She seems like a lovely girl.
It's really unfair.
I thought I'd always be the first one to get married.
Janey, you were married.
Was I? Oh, yeah.
I'm not a loser.
God, I'm really nervous.
Dad, how did you pop the question to Mum? - Well - Let me tell the story.
- No, don't do it.
Don't do it! - Come on, the kids are old enough.
It's time they knew.
Your father Your father put my ring in a glass of champagne.
He got so nervous he mixed up the glasses and drank it.
Two days later, he proposed.
Very much set the tone of our marriage.
- Ooh, you're up, Mikey.
- Right.
Nikki (Breathing heavily) I wanted my family around because I've got something very important to ask you.
(Whimpers) Oh, my God.
- Nicola Baker - Here we go.
would you do me the honour - (Doorbell) - Hang on.
There's someone - Hold that thought.
May we have a word with Nikki? It's really bad timing.
It'll only take a minute.
What are you two doing here? We just wanted you to know that though we've had our differences, we (Nicola laughs) Oh Could we possibly have some privacy? Believe me, I've tried, but they don't do that.
- Ben.
- Oh.
OK.
My God.
How much time do they need? Evidently they're a family that communicates and shares their feelings with one another.
I honestly think we should do it more often.
Let's try.
Anyone? - It's not really us, is it? - No.
- Oh, I'm gonna see what they're doing.
- Dad Ooh! Hello! Only us! Sorry for walking straight in.
The front door was wide open.
It is what? - Oh, my God.
They've taken Nikki.
- They've taken a bit more than that.
- We've been robbed.
- They've nicked my television.
This is ridiculous.
How can we have been burgled when the Bakers were in the room? Oh.
Nikki wouldn't have been involved with this.
They were all involved, Mikey.
We've been scammed.
- So, what about the baby? - I'm guessing there was no baby, Abi.
Never you mind, cos you can always try again.
Have a word, Roger.
About what? - I've been taken for a complete mug.
- Ohh.
- Totally.
- Right, that's it.
We're gonna have to ring the pol Never mind.
Mikey, Mikey, where do they live? - Dunno, never went round there.
- You never Oh! You have got to admire them, though.
It's a very professional job.
We've been told to warn the public about teams like this.
- I've lost Nikki.
- Nikki? I've lost a 49-inch surround-sound plasma television.
Oh, there was this bloke outside struggling to get a great big telly in the back of his car.
Roger gave him a hand.
Roger Before you get too angry, my police instincts did tell me to remember their number plate.
You've got his number.
He's got his number.
He got his number! Susan, write it down.
Come on, write it down.
- What is it? What is it? - It was, er, erm It was - Ahem.
Echo - Echo.
yodel fiver - Yodel.
fourer - Oh, what's W? - Oh, Roger, just give us the number.
- EY54 WPR.
- What, what? - EY54 WPR.
- PR.
EY54 WPR.
The swine's stolen my car.
I've spoken with Michael.
His feelings are a bit dented, - but I think he'll bounce back.
- Hmm.
He told me to give you this.
Right.
OK, I'm gonna put this in my new secret hiding place which you will never, never, ever find.
- Under your jumpers? - I really hate you.
(Doorbell) - Ah, hello.
Mr Harper? - Mm-hm.
Charles Maclntyre, number 18.
I think you've taken delivery of my new telly.