Only Fools and Horses (1981) s08e01 Episode Script
Heroes and Villains
Our jetcopter has arrived, Raquel.
I'll summon the maid.
I'll say bye-bye to Damien first, darling.
How long's he going to be in there? You can't rush him, sweetheart, he's putting a very important deal.
He's talking to President Reeves in Washington.
President Reeves! Really? There you are Rodney, where you been? Damien phoned for you an hour ago.
I know, but the state transportation workers have gone on strike.
On strike? I thought Damien had made strikes illegal.
Yes, the police were shooting them as I left.
Damien said he wanted to see me urgently.
I'll take you through.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've heard it all before.
Bonnet Dedut.
All I'm saying Mr.
President Oh, shut up you tart! Listen to me, Keanu.
You just sit there in the White House all day twiddling your thumbs and just playing at leadership! People are beginning to see through you.
What's wrong with going to war with China? War is good! What a boy, eh? Good boy! Well, of course, millions will be killed.
A war without death is like a salad without water-cress! You worry too much I've got a busy night so make the declaration tomorrow.
What's going on here? I ordered a messanger over an hour ago! He's here, Damie! Damie, he's here.
Look, there.
Uncle Rodney.
I want you in Beijing for the war you report back to me.
- War! I don't wanna go to war! - War is good.
- I don't wanna go to war! - What would your Uncle Albert say? - I don't know! - We'll ask him then, won't we? During the war During the war.
During the war - You rang, your Lordship? - Cassandra! What are you doing here? Damien took over my bank and fired me.
Now I'm the maid.
- It's a job, Rodney.
- No, this isn't fair! - Rodney! - It's not right, you shouldn't be doing this! Everything was nice and now you've messed it all up! I wanna go back to how it used to be! Rodney, wake up you dipstick! Oh God, it was a dream.
Have you been smoking that Rastafarian Old Holborn again? No, no, I just drifted off there for a while.
Oh man, I had the wildest dream! What was it all about? Was it about sunshine and little birdies going tweet tweet tweet? Alright, sorry! So what's happening? What's happening? I'll tell you what's happening.
We have bought 150 Latvian radio alarm clocks that go off whenever they bloody well like.
We also got 200 aerodynamic cycling helmets that turn out to be horse-riders' crash hats that some git has sprayed red.
We've got a box of baseball caps that even E17 fans wouldn't wear.
And also my home-improvement grant has been rejected.
Apart from that, everything is fine! Thank God! Everything normal.
Raquel, darling, there's a letter out here for you.
What's the matter with you anyway, falling asleep at quarter to eight in the morning? Don't you get enough sleep at home or what? You know my situation! It's Cassandra and this baby thing, innit? The hospital's worked out another schedule for us.
I'm at it like a rattlesnake! It's horrible.
I always thought that was your ambition! Well, some people dream of singing La Traviata at the Royal Opera House, don't they? It don't mean they wanna sing it three bloody times a night.
No, enought to make your throat sore, wouldn't it? They've put her on a special diet and all that.
The gynecologist, he reckons it's only a matter of time but Cass keeps getting all broody I've got her a rabbit.
A rabbit, what's that? Part of her diet, is it? No, a pet rabbit! Something she can make a fuss over.
I know it was a stupid idea.
I wish I hadn't bothered now So the hospital has passed all the tests and that, have they? This is personal.
I don't want this being broadcast! Of course not.
Who's gonna listen? I suppose you've had your tubes looked at? Yes! God! Everything's fine we just can't crack the case Every day I'm taking specimens down to the clinic and God knows what else.
'Cause t's all got to do with ovums and things.
The hospital keeps showing me this film of inside the human body.
Cor, it don't half put you off, Del.
Yeah, I should think so.
Give me Debbie Does Dallas any day of the week.
Anyway, listen, we'll have a spot of breakfast and then get down the market.
- What do you fancy.
Boiled egg? - No! Can I ask a favour? Can I have this afternoon off? Why? She hasn't booked you in for another seeing to, has she? No! We're having a celebrating lunch.
'Cause it's my birthday.
It's your birthday? Oh, ala Bruchette! It's your birthday, I forgot all about it, didn't I? Well, since it's your birthday in that case Rodney, the answer is no.
You wouldn't expect Richard Branson to want the afternoon off? Doubt it, he don't even know it's my birthday.
Not your birthday, I mean, if it was his birthday! No, because he would be too busy down the old financial fast lane.
He wouldn't be going that jollying it up just 'cos it's his birthday.
Alright then.
Of course you can have the afternoon off.
It's your birthday! I bet you thought I forgot! There you go, there's your cards, birthday boy.
That one's from Damien.
Oh Bless him.
No, don't worry about those for a minute.
Take a look at that.
That is a present from me and Raquel of course.
- It's a chunky, gold identity bracelet.
- Yeah, I can see that.
It's just like mine Rodney, look at that, See, it's got your name on it, look.
- 'Rooney'? - No, that says, look, 'Rodney'.
No, it says 'Rooney'.
There's an 'O' where the 'D' should be.
No, that is a D.
It's like copperplate writing.
- Come on, put it on, put it on.
- Ah, right.
- I don't want you getting all over-emotional on me.
- No, alright then.
- Morning, Rodney.
- Hi, Raquel.
- What's that? - It's a chunky gold identity bracelet.
- 'Rooney'? - No, that's 'Rodney'.
- Looks like 'Rooney.
' That's an 'O' isn't it? - No it's a 'D'.
It's copperplate writing.
Well, it looks like 'Rooney' from where I'm standing.
Where d'you get it from? It's your birthday present to me.
Oh! It's your birthday! Sorry.
Happy birthday, Rodney.
Thanks.
Del chose the present.
I didn't even know what he'd got you.
Where is he? In the kitchen.
He's a bit disappointed actually, the council have just turned down his application for a home improvement grant.
I suppose they didn't have half a million pounds handy.
What did he want to do then? Who knows! Put an extension on the balcony and build a double garage, knowing him.
No, au contraire.
I just wanted 5,000 pounds so I can improve the kitchen units, that's all.
Well that sounds fair enough.
Oh get real, Rodney.
There was no way he was gonna put new units in.
He just wanted the 5 grand.
No, 'cause the council would have checked to see if you had the work carried out.
Cor blimey, all you gotta do is to give 'em an '18 months sob story' and they forget all about it.
'Cause they're too busy organising carnivals and things.
Anyway, they've turned me down, I don't want to discuss it, 'cause now it's epidemic, innit? Who's the letter from, sweetheart? - I don't know yet.
Look at this! Gits! - Morning, Damien.
- I got a new hat.
Dad got it for me.
Yeah, I know, and it's a cracker and all, ain't it son, eh? My Dad gets me everything D'you wanna play war? No! Bit busy.
- Come on Rodney, you've got time for a little battle.
- No.
I'm alright, honest.
Alright, you stay there, champ.
I'll get you your cereal.
When I'm older will people still wear baseball caps? When you're older, Damien, people will wear whatever you tell them to wear.
Oh cool! Little git! I fought for this country, shot and shell, and how do they treat ya? That ain't it bloody fair, eh? Oh God, Albert! Your socks look like the bomb-squads been having a go at 'em! All I need now is that hospital to get you and Cassandra pregnant, and I'd have two of the little sods bouncing things off me head.
Oi! What do you know about me and Cassandra and the hospital? Nothing, son, nothing at all What's an ovum? I don't believe you Were you listening to me and Del's conversation? I wasn't listening, I just heard.
Don't worry, you know me, son, I'm saying nothing.
Squad, attention! Morning, Albert.
Listen, you be careful when you collect your pension down at the post office today.
There's a gang of muggers hanging about this area.
They don't worry me, son.
I boxed for the navy.
They use to calle my left hand 'Trotter's Trembler'.
I wonder what they called your right hand.
Rodney, come on, quick.
Let's go.
- What's the hurry? - Come on, just let's go, Rodney.
- Would you want me to load the van up? - No, we haven't got time for that.
I've got to get the Capri Ghia into tuning up and I gotta meet a bloke down the market.
And you get youw coat on and get out of here.
Go on! See you later, sweetheart! Bye Unc! - What's he in such a hurry for.
- I don't know.
Oh no, not again! Did I tell you what Councillor Murray said to me when she gave me this medal? Yes! Trigger, you are boring the pants off me with this bloody medal! No.
She said, 'I thank you on behalf of the council and the people of Peckham!' - Morning, Sid.
What d'you fancy, Rodders? - I'll have a cheese roll.
I still find it hard to believe! So do I! Medals for road sweepers! Good God, they'll be giving Del Boy an award for good taste next! - Morning all.
- Thank God you've arrived! He can bore you two with it now! - What's that then? - Trigger's got a medal.
- Oh yeah.
Where'd you find that then, Trig? - I was awarded it.
Look.
It's a picture of me receiving my medal from Councillor Murray.
See, that's me.
Oh that's you, is it? I'm glad you cleared that up.
Let me have a look at that, Trig, will you? So that's that Councillor Murray, is it? She's the old cow that refused my application for a council grant.
I've never been so humiliated in my life.
Derek, when you have the time you must tell me all about it.
Hey, has any of your friends down at the masonic lodge have got influence at the town hall? No.
it's just that I've often wondered what it must be like to apply for a council grant.
And the day started out so well, didn't it? It's Councillor Murray's idea.
She's head of Finance and Facilities at the Town Hall and she says the local people should be rewarded for services to the community.
A proud moment in my family's history.
Trigger, you haven't got a family history.
You were created by a chemical spillage at a germ warfare factory somewhere off Deptford High Street.
Maybe.
But I still feel proud.
So what exactly is the award for? For saving the council money.
I happened to mention to her one day that I've had the same broom for the last twenty years.
She was very impressed and said have a medal.
20 years.
That's a long time, Dave.
- Yeah, I know.
It's two decades innit? - I wouldn't go that far, but it's a long time.
Trig, just a second.
If you've had that broom for 20 years have you actually swpt any roads with it? Well of course! But I look after it well.
We have an old saying that's been handed down by generations of road sweepers: - 'Look after your broom' - And your broom will look after you.
No Dave.
It's just: 'Look after your broom'.
Oh, that old saying! Yeah.
And that's what I've done.
I've maintained it for 20 years.
This old broom has had 17 new heads and 14 new handles in its time.
How the hell can it be the same bloody broom then? There's a picture of it! What more proof do you need? This has come as a bit of a shock to me.
I haven't heard from you for years.
Last time we met I got the impression that I wasn't important in your life any more.
Yeah, I understand.
OK, let's meet No! Ill come to you This weekend? I'm not sure Del? I don't know really.
I suppose I'll have to tell him the truth.
I'll give you a call OK I know you do Of course I still love you.
Bye.
- Alright, sweetheart? - Yeah.
What you been up to? I've down the market.
I met a bloke.
Done a deal about some electric doughnut makers.
While I was down there I bumped into Boycie.
He told me that Mike down the Nag's Head is selling tickets for a party on Saturday night.
- You know.
Would you like to go? - This weekend? No, not really.
- OK Any phone calls? - No - Del, can we talk? - Of course we can.
There's something I've got to tell you.
I'd like to sit down.
- Go on then.
- I mean both of us.
That letter I got this morning.
It was from my Mum and Dad.
I've just got off the phone to them.
- Ah, was from your mum and - You OK? Of course I am, I'm teriffic.
Oh dear.
I didn't know you had a Mum and Dad.
What I meant was that you've never mentioned them before.
Years ago we had a big bust up when I told them I wanted to go into show business.
I said I wanted to be a dancer and act and everything.
My Dad, he's a bit old fashioned, he said some nasty things - you can imagine.
So I stormed out, went into digs and that was the last contact I had with them - until now.
They got my address from the landlord at my old flat.
They've been phoning for the last couple of weeks but just kept getting the answer-machine.
Yeah, I know darling, but a lot of people get nervous about leaving messages on answer-machines, don't they? No, they left lots of messages but the rotten machine wouldn't record them.
Oh dear! I don't know what's wrong with this machine.
I reckon that some of the electronic circuitry needs adjusting, that's all.
You know, like that! So I phoned 'em.
We had a nice chat They seemed different - sort of, understanding.
I cried.
That's alright.
Come on, sweetheart! My Mum said they'd missed me.
And my dad said he loved me! Oh well, come on.
That is lovely jubbly, innit? - I told them about Damien.
- Yeah.
They were pleased.
They seemed really excited they had a grandson.
I told them all about him.
All the little things he does.
- D'you tell 'em about me? - I mentioned you.
- D'you tell them what I did? - No.
There wasn't time.
- They just wanted to know about Damie.
- Of course they would.
That's alright.
They mentioned going up there at the weekend they want to meet him.
That'll be nice.
Well, we'll pop up there then shall we? Yeah The thing is Well, see, my Dad's a bit of an old fuddy-duddy and he hasn't been well recently This bloody thing! And I think meeting you might be a bit too much for him.
So, I don't want to offend you That's the last time I buy anything off that Ronnie Nelson! Right ten, the weekend! Oh, Mont Blanc! Darling, no, I can't go on Saturday! 'Cause I've gotta to go up to Covent Garden and pick up a van load of ober-jeans.
And they were really looking forward to meeting you as well.
Never mind.
Alright sweetheart, tell you what.
Why don't you and Damien go and have a nice time.
Hey, why don't you take the Capri Ghia, and let 'em see that their little girl has done alright for herself.
OK.
Thanks, Del.
I do love you.
Yeah, I know, well I'm that sort of bloke really, ain't I? Anyway.
What does your dad do? - He's an antique dealer.
- Is he really? That's interesting, you see, because in the garage I'm not taking anything with me! Alright then, that's fair enough, just a thought.
Now go on, you go darling, build a few bridges.
- I'll try.
I'll make you a coffee.
- Yeah, that'll be lovely.
- Mum was crying.
- What's that, champ? - Mum was crying.
- Was she? Oh, dear, nevermind.
Come and sit here.
Women do that, you know.
You'll learn that when you get a bit older.
Anyway.
You know where you're going on Saturday? Your're gonna go and see your Nan and your Grandad.
- Have I got a Nan and Grandad? - Yes, you have now.
- Did you get 'em for me? - No, they belong to your Mum.
They're gonna make a right fuss of you, they are.
- They'll love you, 'cause they're lovely people.
- What are they called? What are they called? I know, they're called Nan and Grandad.
- Did you feed Roger? - Yeah, I chucked a carrot in earlier.
Good.
- Don't worry.
- I'm not.
- It's only once tonight.
- Right.
At least I think it is.
- Just the once.
- Look at Tuesday.
- Happy birthday again.
- Thank you.
- Oh leave off, Cass.
- Sorry, Rooney.
Del's gotta be the only bloke who can buy a gold identity bracelet and take it to a dyslexic engraver.
- You got lots of nice presents as well.
- Yes, I did.
And I spoke to Mummy today and she said, as a special birthday present to you, why don't we fly over to the villa next week? I'm owed some time off and Del hasn't given you a holiday since well, he hasn't given you a holiday! I thought it might help.
- Sangria and warm evenings - Yeah, sounds good, don't it? Hold on.
What about the rabbit? - Couldn't we give it to Del? - No, he'd eat it! Aren't there any sort of kennels? You know a place that looks after rabbits.
- Like a cattery but, well a rabbitry.
- A rabbitry? That's a Chinese toilet! - Hang on, can your Mum and Dad could look after it? - Hardly, they'll be at the villa with us.
They'll be there as well? Where are we supposed to relax and stick to the schedule with your Mum and Dad there? I've figured it out, Rodney.
We won't do it in front of them! When we want to, you know, relax, we'll go to our bedroom! What d'you think? But they'll be in the room next to us! I mean, what about all the panting and the screaming and all the 'Yes, yes, yes!' - You'll just have to control yourself.
- No, it'll never work.
Besides I can't leave Del, business ain't going too well.
- Oh, come on Rodney.
- I can't Cass, Del needs me here.
- You go.
- You don't mind? But of course I don't.
A rest'll do you good.
It means we'll have to put our schedule on ice for a week.
Well, I'm afraid so.
You both got tickets for Saturday's party? I can tell you're looking forward to it! Hey, Boycie! You and Marlene fancy something nice to eat? Yeah, I do as it happens, Mike.
Shall we pop down The Harvester in a minute? I don't get much trade but I do have a good laugh! Bloody 'ell.
- Here, Trig! Do you fancy a ticket? Tenner each.
- Righto, Mike.
What d'you mean, 'Righto, Mike?' You don't even know what they're for.
It's bound to tell you on the ticket, innit? I didn't think of that.
D'you know Trig? Every year us publicans we hold a fancy dress ball.
Prizes, the lot.
This year it's old Harry Malcolm's turn.
He's the guv'nor down at the Crown and Anchor.
He's holding the party at his house.
He's got a great barn of place over on the Common.
Hey, the first prize is a brand new stereo system worth over a thousand pound.
Fancy dress! I've only got my mohair suit and my best jumper.
Perfect! Did I tell you about my medal? Yeay.
Three times yesterday and twice this morning.
- Did I tell you, Marlene? - Yes, love.
You sent us a fax last night.
Alright, Mike? Wotchyer, sweetheart.
Stop it! Honestly.
Cassandra get off alright then, did she? - Yeah, I've just come back from the airport.
- And Raquel's away too, ain't she? I bet you two'll be out gallivanting Saturday night.
No, not at all sweetheart.
A mug of Bournvita, plate of toast and Match Of The Day for us Rodders, isn't it, eh? Heaven! That's nice - 'Rooney?' - No, that is 'Rodney'.
You see, it's not an O - it looks like an O but it's not! 'Cause it's copperplate writing.
It's quiet today, innit? Yeah, got more life in one of his meat pies over there.
Come on Michael, give us a drink, will ya? Lager-top for Rodney and I'll have A Baileys and cherryaide.
Del, d'you fancy something to eat? How about a nice plate of beef stew? Go on, I'll have some of that then, that'll keep the cold out, won't it? You be careful with the old beef, Del.
- Oh shut up, you brass.
- I don't know what you are worried about.
I've been eating British beef all my life.
Egg and chips, please, Mike.
- What do you want, Rodney? - Something that was fresh this morning.
Alright, give him the Daily Mirror, will you? - Alright, Del Boy? Any luck? - Yeas, loads of it, Denzil, all bad! I bumped into Paddy the Greek.
You remember those 9 carat 24 carat gold bracelets I was selling? Well, apparently they've all been deported along with Ugandan Maurice.
Why did you trust him with all that gold in the first place? Because he told me he was an exporter.
Yeah, an exporter, he just got the sack from British Rail.
Life's one long struggle, innit, eh? I feel a bit like that King Farouk trying to hold back the tide.
I've got a kid to think to look after now.
- It's Canute.
- Yeah, you can say that again! Hey Del, d'you wanna buy a ticket for a publicans ball? Yeah, certainly.
Which one, left or right? Your loss.
Well, I've got to go, the host is a fellow mason.
And mind you, last year's do was a good laugh.
- I heard it all ended in a big punch up.
- Yes it did.
But during the struggle Marlene got a whack on the nose.
And you did nothing about it, did you? What could I do? You threw the first punch.
Were you injured? No, fortunately her make-up cushioned the blow.
I have just remembered! I was supposed to take Cassie's specimen to the clinic this morning! I've left it in the kitchen on your work top.
That's alright, don't worry, you can take it in tomorrow, can't yer? No you don't understand.
It mustn't be left in direct sunlight.
You've got to find a cool, dark spot where it won't be disturbed.
How about Boycie's pants? Yes, everything's fine, Raquel, although there's no food in the fridge.
No I'm not complaining.
You just have a nice time, gel, alright? Hold on, I think Del's back.
Del Boy - sorry! Raquel on the phone.
Right, OK.
Tell her I'll take it in the bedroom.
He's gonna take it in the bedroom, love.
See you soon, bye.
I suppose your Cassandra will be there by now.
Yeah.
She'd have landed about an hour ago.
Bloody 'Rooney'! I don't know why you wear an ID bracelet.
Men - real men - didn't wear them in my day.
You used to wear them dog-tags round your neck.
That was an ID necklace.
Completely different.
To be honest with you, Unc, I don't really wanna wear this thing but I don't wanna hurt Del's feelings.
- I understand, boy During the war.
- Oh, God! I had a mate who had exactly the same problem.
His Mum had bought him a gold watch and he hated it.
- But he didnt wanna hurt her feelings.
- So what did he do? One night he went round all the pubs in Portsmouth flashing his gold watch about.
On the way back to the ship he got mugged Problem solved.
That was a good idea, weren't it? There's a lot of mugging going on round here, Rodney.
Albert, I'm not seriously considering it as a viable option! God Almighty! - I'll just have to tell him.
- Be gentle though.
Look, Del, about this thing you gave me for me birthday.
It's a beauty, innit, eh? Well, yeah but Well, the thing is I tell you what.
Raquel and Damien are having a nice time.
They're getting on really well with her Mum and Dad.
Oh, well that's good, innit? You didn't fancy to go and meet your common-law in-laws then? Well, to be honest Rodney, yes I did, but Raquel didn't want me to go.
What, she told you? No, she was having a difficult time telling me, and I made up an excuse to let her off the hook.
I think that she thought I might embarrass her.
What d'you mean? That's silly! How could you possibly embarrass her? Well, that's what I thought! I tell you what.
Did you know that her old man is an antiques dealer? I thought I might let him have a look at the Jacobean cine-camera we got in the garage.
I'm sorry, you were saying about the bracelet? - No, nothing.
I'm well pleased with it.
- Yeah, that's it.
You'll never forget your name now, will you? Raquel goes away for a few days and this flat becomes a shambles.
There's nothing in the fridge, the veg is on the turn and that apple-juice is horrible.
He's a moaning old git, ain't he, eh? Cassandra's specimen is gone! I don't believe him! What am I gonna tell Cassandra? You tell her that you spilt it in the van when you went round a corner.
- I can't lie to her, Del.
- Alright, tell her uncle Albert drunk it.
I can't tell her that, can I? It's just one thing after another, innit? - Rodney, listen, we've got to get out of here.
- How d'you mean? Well listen, I've been thinking.
Now that Cassandra's away in foreign climes and Raquel's had it away on her toes to Milton Keynes.
You know what tomorrow is, don't ya? It's the big party, innit? The publican's ball.
So I was thinking, while the mice are away the cats could go out and play.
- It'll be like the old days, Rodders.
- We're not gonna be pulling birds, are we? We never pulled any birds in the old days, Rodders.
What chance have we got now? - Come on, what d'you say? - Well, it's just a bit of harmless fun, innit? We'll of course it is! A couple of hours.
You know, a sausage roll and a grin.
I'll tell you what.
The first prize is only a stereo system worth 1,000 pounds.
- What do they give prizes for? - For the best fancy dress.
Fancy dress! I'm not going dressed up like some zoom! Come on Rodney, it's only a laugh, innit? We'll just pop down the High Street and get ourselves a couple of costumes.
Rodney, I need your help to win this prize.
'Cause you're the one with the GCE's in art.
You got the flare and imagination.
Shall I tell you what I'm imagining right now? I'm imagining that since you knew Raquel was going away, you've been planning to go to that party and try and win that stereo all along.
How dare you? If only your mother could hear you now! Is that what you really think of me? Here I am and my child and my wife have gone away for what is obviously a demanding and draining weekend and all you can think of is 'That's alright, Del Boy can go out for a jolly-up'! That's it, is it? That's what you think of Del Boy? Shallow as a worm's grave.
No, I just thought it was - Well, it just seemed a bit - No, don't! - I'm bleeding! - Alright.
I'm sorry, then.
Alright.
Your apology is accepted.
Hold on, I've just remembered.
This do is an all-ticket affair.
- I know, I got us a couple as we were leaving.
- Oh, stinking I feel stupid! I don't know how we got out of the estate without being seen.
Don't worry, we'll be there in a minute.
Yes, but then we've got to get home dressed like this! Who's gonna see us at five o' clock in the morning? Yeah, I suppose so.
Five in the morning? You said we was only going for a couple of hours.
Yeah I know, but you get involved, don't you? - What's happening? - There must be something wrong.
- I wish I was mechanically minded like you.
- Very funny! Alright, I'll open the bonnet, you go an' have a look at the engine.
Go an' have a look at the I'm not gettin out dressed like this! You have a look, it's your van! You tart, Rodney.
- Do you see anything? - No.
It's right dark in here.
What you looking for? Just tryin' to see if there's any petrol coming through to the carburetor.
- You idiot! - What's the matter? You'll blow us to kingdom come! Don't be daft! There's no petrol coming through, is there? Must be some sort of a blockage.
I mean, that's why we've broken down.
Will you get back inside that van.
I don't want people seeing you dressed like that, you look like a right wally! What are we gonna do now then, eh? I don't know, Derek! We are sat in the middle of Peckham at 10.
30 dressed up as Batman and Robin! And it was you who chose these costumes! I wanted to go as The Blues Brothers! We'd have still broken down and been in this embarrassing situation, wouldn't we? Oh yeah! We'd have been wearing suits and ties, right couple of zooms we'd have looked.
But we'd never have won first prize as The Blues Brothers! No, but at least we could have walked home! Look, just shut up and try to think of a way out of this.
Alright, let's just think about it.
We phone the RAC.
Yes, and we ask to get put through to the 'Broken Down Whilst Dressed As A Couple Of Prats' department.
Alright then, the police.
Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
We'd never live it down.
Our lives would be hell! We would have to 'hemigrate'.
At this particular moment, Del, that doesn't sound like a bad alternative.
The pubs are gonna be chucking out soon.
They'll tear us to shreds.
Know what Harry's place is nearer than our place is.
You know, we could be there in five minutes if we ran.
- We'll be seen! - No we won't.
What do you mean 'be seen'.
Look, all the streets are empty, ain't they? At the moment! But I guarantee, the second I step out of this van a thousand people are gonna pour out out the out of a place where a thousand people are! No.
Not if we go through the back streets and the back alleys.
'Cause the only people there are the winos and the crackheads and let's face it, they see Batman and Robin every night of the week.
- Five minutes? - Five minutes, that's all, if we run.
- I'm going now Tom.
- I'll see you out.
- Goodnight, Councillor Murray.
- Goodnight, Tom.
- Sorry, Miss, you seen a policeman round here? - No, I haven't! - Good! Then giss your money! - What are you doing? Tom! Help! - Someone shut her up! - Get her briefcase.
Gary! - What's happening? - I haven't the faintest idea! Go! - Councillor Murray? - Yes.
I recognise you from your photograph.
Derek Trotter.
You may remember me.
I wrote to you sometime ago about a Del, let's go! Sorry, I must dash.
Duty calls.
Oh Boycie, let us in, will you? What have you two come as then? Batman and Robin.
Ignore him, Rodney, will you? Just ignore him.
- Where is everyone? - Straight through there, Caped Crusader.
You ain't gonna win nothing dressed like that.
Did you see that Rodders? We've come as Batman and Robin and Boycie's come as the Penguin.
Oh no, Del Boy, not the Penguin.
More like the Joker.
Kenny.
Mike from the Nag's Head.
Listen, I was really cut-up yesterday when I heard about your Dad.
Your husband.
Still, at least he didn't suffer.
No.
He had a good innings and he'd have been well chuffed to see all his family and friends turn up for his wake like this.
Derek.
Harry died yesterday.
Harry Harry die? Why didn't you tell us that out there instead of letting us come in here like that? Yeah.
We were going da na na na na and everything.
It completely slipped my mind.
Strange what grief can do.
Del.
I don't know if you remember me.
I'm Kenny, Harry's son.
Yes, of course I remember you.
I phoned round everyone to tell 'em the party was off.
I must have left four or five messages on your answer machine.
Obviously you didn't get 'em.
No, the machines playing up a bit.
I'm gonna throw that bloody machine away when we get home.
- Kenny, look, I am really sorry about this.
- Don't be silly.
The old man's most probably up there now having a bloody good laugh at you all.
- You'll stay, won't you? - Oh yeah, of course we're gonna stay.
- Go and grab yourself a drink and something to eat.
- Alright, cheers.
A beer here, Denz.
Didn't you know Harry had died? Of course we knew Harry had died! That's why we came dressed as Batman and Thingy! - Robin.
- Yes.
- I suppose the prize-giving's off now then, is it? -I love him.
Bloody love him.
Alright Del, Dave.
Bit of a choker old Harry popping off like that, innit? Yeah.
We didn't even know the fancy dress party had been cancelled.
Me neither.
You mean, that's your costume? Yeah, I come as a chauffer.
I feel a bit stupid now.
Come to mention it, you do stand out a bit.
I'm gonna cheer up the widow.
I don't think you and Del would have won first prize.
- No? - No.
You're alright, but Del don't look nothing like Tonto.
Aerodynamic designed cycling helmets.
As worn by Chris Boardman and his cousin Stan.
Look at that, beautiful.
OK then, what else we got here.
I tell you what we've got, look at this.
Baseball caps! Straight from LA, as worn by MC Hammer.
Here you are madam, buy one for you kid for Christmas.
They'll look lovely in his stocking, I tell you that.
No? Right, what else have we got.
Oh, yes, what have we got here! Look at this! We've got the unisex baseball caps.
Look at that.
There you are, buy one for your son, buy one for your daughter! Well done! - Del! - Yeah! What's up? Have a look.
- Give us your bag! - Oi! What's your game? Rodney, get after him! Go on! Are you alright? You alright, darling? Little buggers have nicked me handbag, son.
My bloody arse is hurting as well.
You just take it easy, will ya? Just take it easy.
Someone call an ambulance for her, will ya? Also, call the police.
Hey, you! Oi! Whoops-a-daisy.
We read and we hear about so-called have-a-go-heroes, but we very rarely have the honour of meeting one.
Well, I'm proud to say that here, in Peckham, we have our very own have-ago-hero.
And so it's my great honour and privilege to present this medal for bravery to Derek Trotter.
That's Batman! - Mr Trotter, could I have a couple of pictures? - Mange-tout, mange-tout.
How come you got a medal? I did all the running.
Yes I know, but you were running away from him! I was not running away from him actually.
I was just luring him.
Well you weren't half luring him fast then! You shot past me like Linford Christie.
Minus that poodle that he keeps down his shorts, of course.
Could you mind out of the way please, sir Yes, could you mind out of the way, please, Rodney You're casting a shadow on the hero.
Why didn't you get a medal, Rodney? No, they offered me one but I said I wanted to remain anonymous.
Mr Trotter.
Councillor Murray.
We met, the night you were dressed as Batman.
Oh yes, of course.
- I've never been so frightened in my life.
- It was only a costume.
No, I mean terrified of that awful gang of muggers.
Oh, I see, yes.
- Still, they're behind bars now, thanks to you.
- Oh, don't mention it.
If ever there's anything I can do for you, please don't hesitate to call.
Well, thank you very much indeed.
Thank you.
Councillor Murray.
As a matter of fact there is a little something that you might be able to help me out with.
- Do you think we could have a little chat? - Of course.
Come this way.
Cushty! We're gonna have to cut this one out for the family album.
A Trotter's never won a medal before.
Well, Albert's won three of four dozen.
Why'd they use the word 'man'? They could have mentioned Rodney.
- I mean, why didn't they say 'men'? - Yeah, Rodney was there as well.
They do mention him, here you are.
'Mr Trotter was aided in the capture of the muggers by his younger brother, Rooney.
' You see, it's bloody Rooney! Come on then, ladies and gentlemen, charge your glasses.
Because I have got something to say, on this auspicious occasion.
And that is, not only am I the only Trotter to win a medal without getting wet.
But this is a double celebration.
- You told them! - No, I never! I swear! - How d'you lot find out? - Find out what? - You mean you don't know? - No.
Well, in that case, let me just say that if, in the near future, anybody wants to buy Cassandra and I some Mothercare vouchers, they will come in bloody handy! - Yes my son, we have scored! - And it was a beauty! It's coming home, it's coming home, it's coming, football's coming home! Well done my son! I'm pleased for you, son.
I know you've been through hell to get there.
How about that then, eh? A little cousin for Damien to play with.
Wait a minute.
You said this was a double celebration before you found out about Cassandra being pregnant.
So what else are we celebrating? That's right.
Then it's a treble celebration.
'Cause you know I was turned down for my home improvement grant by the council.
Well, they have changed their minds and send me a cheque for 5,000 pounds.
- They gave you 5,000 pounds? - Yes, what can't speak can't lie.
Signed by Councillor Murray.
- It's not a bad old world is it, bruv? - It's getting better all the time, Del.
Lovely jubbly.
NVL
I'll summon the maid.
I'll say bye-bye to Damien first, darling.
How long's he going to be in there? You can't rush him, sweetheart, he's putting a very important deal.
He's talking to President Reeves in Washington.
President Reeves! Really? There you are Rodney, where you been? Damien phoned for you an hour ago.
I know, but the state transportation workers have gone on strike.
On strike? I thought Damien had made strikes illegal.
Yes, the police were shooting them as I left.
Damien said he wanted to see me urgently.
I'll take you through.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've heard it all before.
Bonnet Dedut.
All I'm saying Mr.
President Oh, shut up you tart! Listen to me, Keanu.
You just sit there in the White House all day twiddling your thumbs and just playing at leadership! People are beginning to see through you.
What's wrong with going to war with China? War is good! What a boy, eh? Good boy! Well, of course, millions will be killed.
A war without death is like a salad without water-cress! You worry too much I've got a busy night so make the declaration tomorrow.
What's going on here? I ordered a messanger over an hour ago! He's here, Damie! Damie, he's here.
Look, there.
Uncle Rodney.
I want you in Beijing for the war you report back to me.
- War! I don't wanna go to war! - War is good.
- I don't wanna go to war! - What would your Uncle Albert say? - I don't know! - We'll ask him then, won't we? During the war During the war.
During the war - You rang, your Lordship? - Cassandra! What are you doing here? Damien took over my bank and fired me.
Now I'm the maid.
- It's a job, Rodney.
- No, this isn't fair! - Rodney! - It's not right, you shouldn't be doing this! Everything was nice and now you've messed it all up! I wanna go back to how it used to be! Rodney, wake up you dipstick! Oh God, it was a dream.
Have you been smoking that Rastafarian Old Holborn again? No, no, I just drifted off there for a while.
Oh man, I had the wildest dream! What was it all about? Was it about sunshine and little birdies going tweet tweet tweet? Alright, sorry! So what's happening? What's happening? I'll tell you what's happening.
We have bought 150 Latvian radio alarm clocks that go off whenever they bloody well like.
We also got 200 aerodynamic cycling helmets that turn out to be horse-riders' crash hats that some git has sprayed red.
We've got a box of baseball caps that even E17 fans wouldn't wear.
And also my home-improvement grant has been rejected.
Apart from that, everything is fine! Thank God! Everything normal.
Raquel, darling, there's a letter out here for you.
What's the matter with you anyway, falling asleep at quarter to eight in the morning? Don't you get enough sleep at home or what? You know my situation! It's Cassandra and this baby thing, innit? The hospital's worked out another schedule for us.
I'm at it like a rattlesnake! It's horrible.
I always thought that was your ambition! Well, some people dream of singing La Traviata at the Royal Opera House, don't they? It don't mean they wanna sing it three bloody times a night.
No, enought to make your throat sore, wouldn't it? They've put her on a special diet and all that.
The gynecologist, he reckons it's only a matter of time but Cass keeps getting all broody I've got her a rabbit.
A rabbit, what's that? Part of her diet, is it? No, a pet rabbit! Something she can make a fuss over.
I know it was a stupid idea.
I wish I hadn't bothered now So the hospital has passed all the tests and that, have they? This is personal.
I don't want this being broadcast! Of course not.
Who's gonna listen? I suppose you've had your tubes looked at? Yes! God! Everything's fine we just can't crack the case Every day I'm taking specimens down to the clinic and God knows what else.
'Cause t's all got to do with ovums and things.
The hospital keeps showing me this film of inside the human body.
Cor, it don't half put you off, Del.
Yeah, I should think so.
Give me Debbie Does Dallas any day of the week.
Anyway, listen, we'll have a spot of breakfast and then get down the market.
- What do you fancy.
Boiled egg? - No! Can I ask a favour? Can I have this afternoon off? Why? She hasn't booked you in for another seeing to, has she? No! We're having a celebrating lunch.
'Cause it's my birthday.
It's your birthday? Oh, ala Bruchette! It's your birthday, I forgot all about it, didn't I? Well, since it's your birthday in that case Rodney, the answer is no.
You wouldn't expect Richard Branson to want the afternoon off? Doubt it, he don't even know it's my birthday.
Not your birthday, I mean, if it was his birthday! No, because he would be too busy down the old financial fast lane.
He wouldn't be going that jollying it up just 'cos it's his birthday.
Alright then.
Of course you can have the afternoon off.
It's your birthday! I bet you thought I forgot! There you go, there's your cards, birthday boy.
That one's from Damien.
Oh Bless him.
No, don't worry about those for a minute.
Take a look at that.
That is a present from me and Raquel of course.
- It's a chunky, gold identity bracelet.
- Yeah, I can see that.
It's just like mine Rodney, look at that, See, it's got your name on it, look.
- 'Rooney'? - No, that says, look, 'Rodney'.
No, it says 'Rooney'.
There's an 'O' where the 'D' should be.
No, that is a D.
It's like copperplate writing.
- Come on, put it on, put it on.
- Ah, right.
- I don't want you getting all over-emotional on me.
- No, alright then.
- Morning, Rodney.
- Hi, Raquel.
- What's that? - It's a chunky gold identity bracelet.
- 'Rooney'? - No, that's 'Rodney'.
- Looks like 'Rooney.
' That's an 'O' isn't it? - No it's a 'D'.
It's copperplate writing.
Well, it looks like 'Rooney' from where I'm standing.
Where d'you get it from? It's your birthday present to me.
Oh! It's your birthday! Sorry.
Happy birthday, Rodney.
Thanks.
Del chose the present.
I didn't even know what he'd got you.
Where is he? In the kitchen.
He's a bit disappointed actually, the council have just turned down his application for a home improvement grant.
I suppose they didn't have half a million pounds handy.
What did he want to do then? Who knows! Put an extension on the balcony and build a double garage, knowing him.
No, au contraire.
I just wanted 5,000 pounds so I can improve the kitchen units, that's all.
Well that sounds fair enough.
Oh get real, Rodney.
There was no way he was gonna put new units in.
He just wanted the 5 grand.
No, 'cause the council would have checked to see if you had the work carried out.
Cor blimey, all you gotta do is to give 'em an '18 months sob story' and they forget all about it.
'Cause they're too busy organising carnivals and things.
Anyway, they've turned me down, I don't want to discuss it, 'cause now it's epidemic, innit? Who's the letter from, sweetheart? - I don't know yet.
Look at this! Gits! - Morning, Damien.
- I got a new hat.
Dad got it for me.
Yeah, I know, and it's a cracker and all, ain't it son, eh? My Dad gets me everything D'you wanna play war? No! Bit busy.
- Come on Rodney, you've got time for a little battle.
- No.
I'm alright, honest.
Alright, you stay there, champ.
I'll get you your cereal.
When I'm older will people still wear baseball caps? When you're older, Damien, people will wear whatever you tell them to wear.
Oh cool! Little git! I fought for this country, shot and shell, and how do they treat ya? That ain't it bloody fair, eh? Oh God, Albert! Your socks look like the bomb-squads been having a go at 'em! All I need now is that hospital to get you and Cassandra pregnant, and I'd have two of the little sods bouncing things off me head.
Oi! What do you know about me and Cassandra and the hospital? Nothing, son, nothing at all What's an ovum? I don't believe you Were you listening to me and Del's conversation? I wasn't listening, I just heard.
Don't worry, you know me, son, I'm saying nothing.
Squad, attention! Morning, Albert.
Listen, you be careful when you collect your pension down at the post office today.
There's a gang of muggers hanging about this area.
They don't worry me, son.
I boxed for the navy.
They use to calle my left hand 'Trotter's Trembler'.
I wonder what they called your right hand.
Rodney, come on, quick.
Let's go.
- What's the hurry? - Come on, just let's go, Rodney.
- Would you want me to load the van up? - No, we haven't got time for that.
I've got to get the Capri Ghia into tuning up and I gotta meet a bloke down the market.
And you get youw coat on and get out of here.
Go on! See you later, sweetheart! Bye Unc! - What's he in such a hurry for.
- I don't know.
Oh no, not again! Did I tell you what Councillor Murray said to me when she gave me this medal? Yes! Trigger, you are boring the pants off me with this bloody medal! No.
She said, 'I thank you on behalf of the council and the people of Peckham!' - Morning, Sid.
What d'you fancy, Rodders? - I'll have a cheese roll.
I still find it hard to believe! So do I! Medals for road sweepers! Good God, they'll be giving Del Boy an award for good taste next! - Morning all.
- Thank God you've arrived! He can bore you two with it now! - What's that then? - Trigger's got a medal.
- Oh yeah.
Where'd you find that then, Trig? - I was awarded it.
Look.
It's a picture of me receiving my medal from Councillor Murray.
See, that's me.
Oh that's you, is it? I'm glad you cleared that up.
Let me have a look at that, Trig, will you? So that's that Councillor Murray, is it? She's the old cow that refused my application for a council grant.
I've never been so humiliated in my life.
Derek, when you have the time you must tell me all about it.
Hey, has any of your friends down at the masonic lodge have got influence at the town hall? No.
it's just that I've often wondered what it must be like to apply for a council grant.
And the day started out so well, didn't it? It's Councillor Murray's idea.
She's head of Finance and Facilities at the Town Hall and she says the local people should be rewarded for services to the community.
A proud moment in my family's history.
Trigger, you haven't got a family history.
You were created by a chemical spillage at a germ warfare factory somewhere off Deptford High Street.
Maybe.
But I still feel proud.
So what exactly is the award for? For saving the council money.
I happened to mention to her one day that I've had the same broom for the last twenty years.
She was very impressed and said have a medal.
20 years.
That's a long time, Dave.
- Yeah, I know.
It's two decades innit? - I wouldn't go that far, but it's a long time.
Trig, just a second.
If you've had that broom for 20 years have you actually swpt any roads with it? Well of course! But I look after it well.
We have an old saying that's been handed down by generations of road sweepers: - 'Look after your broom' - And your broom will look after you.
No Dave.
It's just: 'Look after your broom'.
Oh, that old saying! Yeah.
And that's what I've done.
I've maintained it for 20 years.
This old broom has had 17 new heads and 14 new handles in its time.
How the hell can it be the same bloody broom then? There's a picture of it! What more proof do you need? This has come as a bit of a shock to me.
I haven't heard from you for years.
Last time we met I got the impression that I wasn't important in your life any more.
Yeah, I understand.
OK, let's meet No! Ill come to you This weekend? I'm not sure Del? I don't know really.
I suppose I'll have to tell him the truth.
I'll give you a call OK I know you do Of course I still love you.
Bye.
- Alright, sweetheart? - Yeah.
What you been up to? I've down the market.
I met a bloke.
Done a deal about some electric doughnut makers.
While I was down there I bumped into Boycie.
He told me that Mike down the Nag's Head is selling tickets for a party on Saturday night.
- You know.
Would you like to go? - This weekend? No, not really.
- OK Any phone calls? - No - Del, can we talk? - Of course we can.
There's something I've got to tell you.
I'd like to sit down.
- Go on then.
- I mean both of us.
That letter I got this morning.
It was from my Mum and Dad.
I've just got off the phone to them.
- Ah, was from your mum and - You OK? Of course I am, I'm teriffic.
Oh dear.
I didn't know you had a Mum and Dad.
What I meant was that you've never mentioned them before.
Years ago we had a big bust up when I told them I wanted to go into show business.
I said I wanted to be a dancer and act and everything.
My Dad, he's a bit old fashioned, he said some nasty things - you can imagine.
So I stormed out, went into digs and that was the last contact I had with them - until now.
They got my address from the landlord at my old flat.
They've been phoning for the last couple of weeks but just kept getting the answer-machine.
Yeah, I know darling, but a lot of people get nervous about leaving messages on answer-machines, don't they? No, they left lots of messages but the rotten machine wouldn't record them.
Oh dear! I don't know what's wrong with this machine.
I reckon that some of the electronic circuitry needs adjusting, that's all.
You know, like that! So I phoned 'em.
We had a nice chat They seemed different - sort of, understanding.
I cried.
That's alright.
Come on, sweetheart! My Mum said they'd missed me.
And my dad said he loved me! Oh well, come on.
That is lovely jubbly, innit? - I told them about Damien.
- Yeah.
They were pleased.
They seemed really excited they had a grandson.
I told them all about him.
All the little things he does.
- D'you tell 'em about me? - I mentioned you.
- D'you tell them what I did? - No.
There wasn't time.
- They just wanted to know about Damie.
- Of course they would.
That's alright.
They mentioned going up there at the weekend they want to meet him.
That'll be nice.
Well, we'll pop up there then shall we? Yeah The thing is Well, see, my Dad's a bit of an old fuddy-duddy and he hasn't been well recently This bloody thing! And I think meeting you might be a bit too much for him.
So, I don't want to offend you That's the last time I buy anything off that Ronnie Nelson! Right ten, the weekend! Oh, Mont Blanc! Darling, no, I can't go on Saturday! 'Cause I've gotta to go up to Covent Garden and pick up a van load of ober-jeans.
And they were really looking forward to meeting you as well.
Never mind.
Alright sweetheart, tell you what.
Why don't you and Damien go and have a nice time.
Hey, why don't you take the Capri Ghia, and let 'em see that their little girl has done alright for herself.
OK.
Thanks, Del.
I do love you.
Yeah, I know, well I'm that sort of bloke really, ain't I? Anyway.
What does your dad do? - He's an antique dealer.
- Is he really? That's interesting, you see, because in the garage I'm not taking anything with me! Alright then, that's fair enough, just a thought.
Now go on, you go darling, build a few bridges.
- I'll try.
I'll make you a coffee.
- Yeah, that'll be lovely.
- Mum was crying.
- What's that, champ? - Mum was crying.
- Was she? Oh, dear, nevermind.
Come and sit here.
Women do that, you know.
You'll learn that when you get a bit older.
Anyway.
You know where you're going on Saturday? Your're gonna go and see your Nan and your Grandad.
- Have I got a Nan and Grandad? - Yes, you have now.
- Did you get 'em for me? - No, they belong to your Mum.
They're gonna make a right fuss of you, they are.
- They'll love you, 'cause they're lovely people.
- What are they called? What are they called? I know, they're called Nan and Grandad.
- Did you feed Roger? - Yeah, I chucked a carrot in earlier.
Good.
- Don't worry.
- I'm not.
- It's only once tonight.
- Right.
At least I think it is.
- Just the once.
- Look at Tuesday.
- Happy birthday again.
- Thank you.
- Oh leave off, Cass.
- Sorry, Rooney.
Del's gotta be the only bloke who can buy a gold identity bracelet and take it to a dyslexic engraver.
- You got lots of nice presents as well.
- Yes, I did.
And I spoke to Mummy today and she said, as a special birthday present to you, why don't we fly over to the villa next week? I'm owed some time off and Del hasn't given you a holiday since well, he hasn't given you a holiday! I thought it might help.
- Sangria and warm evenings - Yeah, sounds good, don't it? Hold on.
What about the rabbit? - Couldn't we give it to Del? - No, he'd eat it! Aren't there any sort of kennels? You know a place that looks after rabbits.
- Like a cattery but, well a rabbitry.
- A rabbitry? That's a Chinese toilet! - Hang on, can your Mum and Dad could look after it? - Hardly, they'll be at the villa with us.
They'll be there as well? Where are we supposed to relax and stick to the schedule with your Mum and Dad there? I've figured it out, Rodney.
We won't do it in front of them! When we want to, you know, relax, we'll go to our bedroom! What d'you think? But they'll be in the room next to us! I mean, what about all the panting and the screaming and all the 'Yes, yes, yes!' - You'll just have to control yourself.
- No, it'll never work.
Besides I can't leave Del, business ain't going too well.
- Oh, come on Rodney.
- I can't Cass, Del needs me here.
- You go.
- You don't mind? But of course I don't.
A rest'll do you good.
It means we'll have to put our schedule on ice for a week.
Well, I'm afraid so.
You both got tickets for Saturday's party? I can tell you're looking forward to it! Hey, Boycie! You and Marlene fancy something nice to eat? Yeah, I do as it happens, Mike.
Shall we pop down The Harvester in a minute? I don't get much trade but I do have a good laugh! Bloody 'ell.
- Here, Trig! Do you fancy a ticket? Tenner each.
- Righto, Mike.
What d'you mean, 'Righto, Mike?' You don't even know what they're for.
It's bound to tell you on the ticket, innit? I didn't think of that.
D'you know Trig? Every year us publicans we hold a fancy dress ball.
Prizes, the lot.
This year it's old Harry Malcolm's turn.
He's the guv'nor down at the Crown and Anchor.
He's holding the party at his house.
He's got a great barn of place over on the Common.
Hey, the first prize is a brand new stereo system worth over a thousand pound.
Fancy dress! I've only got my mohair suit and my best jumper.
Perfect! Did I tell you about my medal? Yeay.
Three times yesterday and twice this morning.
- Did I tell you, Marlene? - Yes, love.
You sent us a fax last night.
Alright, Mike? Wotchyer, sweetheart.
Stop it! Honestly.
Cassandra get off alright then, did she? - Yeah, I've just come back from the airport.
- And Raquel's away too, ain't she? I bet you two'll be out gallivanting Saturday night.
No, not at all sweetheart.
A mug of Bournvita, plate of toast and Match Of The Day for us Rodders, isn't it, eh? Heaven! That's nice - 'Rooney?' - No, that is 'Rodney'.
You see, it's not an O - it looks like an O but it's not! 'Cause it's copperplate writing.
It's quiet today, innit? Yeah, got more life in one of his meat pies over there.
Come on Michael, give us a drink, will ya? Lager-top for Rodney and I'll have A Baileys and cherryaide.
Del, d'you fancy something to eat? How about a nice plate of beef stew? Go on, I'll have some of that then, that'll keep the cold out, won't it? You be careful with the old beef, Del.
- Oh shut up, you brass.
- I don't know what you are worried about.
I've been eating British beef all my life.
Egg and chips, please, Mike.
- What do you want, Rodney? - Something that was fresh this morning.
Alright, give him the Daily Mirror, will you? - Alright, Del Boy? Any luck? - Yeas, loads of it, Denzil, all bad! I bumped into Paddy the Greek.
You remember those 9 carat 24 carat gold bracelets I was selling? Well, apparently they've all been deported along with Ugandan Maurice.
Why did you trust him with all that gold in the first place? Because he told me he was an exporter.
Yeah, an exporter, he just got the sack from British Rail.
Life's one long struggle, innit, eh? I feel a bit like that King Farouk trying to hold back the tide.
I've got a kid to think to look after now.
- It's Canute.
- Yeah, you can say that again! Hey Del, d'you wanna buy a ticket for a publicans ball? Yeah, certainly.
Which one, left or right? Your loss.
Well, I've got to go, the host is a fellow mason.
And mind you, last year's do was a good laugh.
- I heard it all ended in a big punch up.
- Yes it did.
But during the struggle Marlene got a whack on the nose.
And you did nothing about it, did you? What could I do? You threw the first punch.
Were you injured? No, fortunately her make-up cushioned the blow.
I have just remembered! I was supposed to take Cassie's specimen to the clinic this morning! I've left it in the kitchen on your work top.
That's alright, don't worry, you can take it in tomorrow, can't yer? No you don't understand.
It mustn't be left in direct sunlight.
You've got to find a cool, dark spot where it won't be disturbed.
How about Boycie's pants? Yes, everything's fine, Raquel, although there's no food in the fridge.
No I'm not complaining.
You just have a nice time, gel, alright? Hold on, I think Del's back.
Del Boy - sorry! Raquel on the phone.
Right, OK.
Tell her I'll take it in the bedroom.
He's gonna take it in the bedroom, love.
See you soon, bye.
I suppose your Cassandra will be there by now.
Yeah.
She'd have landed about an hour ago.
Bloody 'Rooney'! I don't know why you wear an ID bracelet.
Men - real men - didn't wear them in my day.
You used to wear them dog-tags round your neck.
That was an ID necklace.
Completely different.
To be honest with you, Unc, I don't really wanna wear this thing but I don't wanna hurt Del's feelings.
- I understand, boy During the war.
- Oh, God! I had a mate who had exactly the same problem.
His Mum had bought him a gold watch and he hated it.
- But he didnt wanna hurt her feelings.
- So what did he do? One night he went round all the pubs in Portsmouth flashing his gold watch about.
On the way back to the ship he got mugged Problem solved.
That was a good idea, weren't it? There's a lot of mugging going on round here, Rodney.
Albert, I'm not seriously considering it as a viable option! God Almighty! - I'll just have to tell him.
- Be gentle though.
Look, Del, about this thing you gave me for me birthday.
It's a beauty, innit, eh? Well, yeah but Well, the thing is I tell you what.
Raquel and Damien are having a nice time.
They're getting on really well with her Mum and Dad.
Oh, well that's good, innit? You didn't fancy to go and meet your common-law in-laws then? Well, to be honest Rodney, yes I did, but Raquel didn't want me to go.
What, she told you? No, she was having a difficult time telling me, and I made up an excuse to let her off the hook.
I think that she thought I might embarrass her.
What d'you mean? That's silly! How could you possibly embarrass her? Well, that's what I thought! I tell you what.
Did you know that her old man is an antiques dealer? I thought I might let him have a look at the Jacobean cine-camera we got in the garage.
I'm sorry, you were saying about the bracelet? - No, nothing.
I'm well pleased with it.
- Yeah, that's it.
You'll never forget your name now, will you? Raquel goes away for a few days and this flat becomes a shambles.
There's nothing in the fridge, the veg is on the turn and that apple-juice is horrible.
He's a moaning old git, ain't he, eh? Cassandra's specimen is gone! I don't believe him! What am I gonna tell Cassandra? You tell her that you spilt it in the van when you went round a corner.
- I can't lie to her, Del.
- Alright, tell her uncle Albert drunk it.
I can't tell her that, can I? It's just one thing after another, innit? - Rodney, listen, we've got to get out of here.
- How d'you mean? Well listen, I've been thinking.
Now that Cassandra's away in foreign climes and Raquel's had it away on her toes to Milton Keynes.
You know what tomorrow is, don't ya? It's the big party, innit? The publican's ball.
So I was thinking, while the mice are away the cats could go out and play.
- It'll be like the old days, Rodders.
- We're not gonna be pulling birds, are we? We never pulled any birds in the old days, Rodders.
What chance have we got now? - Come on, what d'you say? - Well, it's just a bit of harmless fun, innit? We'll of course it is! A couple of hours.
You know, a sausage roll and a grin.
I'll tell you what.
The first prize is only a stereo system worth 1,000 pounds.
- What do they give prizes for? - For the best fancy dress.
Fancy dress! I'm not going dressed up like some zoom! Come on Rodney, it's only a laugh, innit? We'll just pop down the High Street and get ourselves a couple of costumes.
Rodney, I need your help to win this prize.
'Cause you're the one with the GCE's in art.
You got the flare and imagination.
Shall I tell you what I'm imagining right now? I'm imagining that since you knew Raquel was going away, you've been planning to go to that party and try and win that stereo all along.
How dare you? If only your mother could hear you now! Is that what you really think of me? Here I am and my child and my wife have gone away for what is obviously a demanding and draining weekend and all you can think of is 'That's alright, Del Boy can go out for a jolly-up'! That's it, is it? That's what you think of Del Boy? Shallow as a worm's grave.
No, I just thought it was - Well, it just seemed a bit - No, don't! - I'm bleeding! - Alright.
I'm sorry, then.
Alright.
Your apology is accepted.
Hold on, I've just remembered.
This do is an all-ticket affair.
- I know, I got us a couple as we were leaving.
- Oh, stinking I feel stupid! I don't know how we got out of the estate without being seen.
Don't worry, we'll be there in a minute.
Yes, but then we've got to get home dressed like this! Who's gonna see us at five o' clock in the morning? Yeah, I suppose so.
Five in the morning? You said we was only going for a couple of hours.
Yeah I know, but you get involved, don't you? - What's happening? - There must be something wrong.
- I wish I was mechanically minded like you.
- Very funny! Alright, I'll open the bonnet, you go an' have a look at the engine.
Go an' have a look at the I'm not gettin out dressed like this! You have a look, it's your van! You tart, Rodney.
- Do you see anything? - No.
It's right dark in here.
What you looking for? Just tryin' to see if there's any petrol coming through to the carburetor.
- You idiot! - What's the matter? You'll blow us to kingdom come! Don't be daft! There's no petrol coming through, is there? Must be some sort of a blockage.
I mean, that's why we've broken down.
Will you get back inside that van.
I don't want people seeing you dressed like that, you look like a right wally! What are we gonna do now then, eh? I don't know, Derek! We are sat in the middle of Peckham at 10.
30 dressed up as Batman and Robin! And it was you who chose these costumes! I wanted to go as The Blues Brothers! We'd have still broken down and been in this embarrassing situation, wouldn't we? Oh yeah! We'd have been wearing suits and ties, right couple of zooms we'd have looked.
But we'd never have won first prize as The Blues Brothers! No, but at least we could have walked home! Look, just shut up and try to think of a way out of this.
Alright, let's just think about it.
We phone the RAC.
Yes, and we ask to get put through to the 'Broken Down Whilst Dressed As A Couple Of Prats' department.
Alright then, the police.
Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
We'd never live it down.
Our lives would be hell! We would have to 'hemigrate'.
At this particular moment, Del, that doesn't sound like a bad alternative.
The pubs are gonna be chucking out soon.
They'll tear us to shreds.
Know what Harry's place is nearer than our place is.
You know, we could be there in five minutes if we ran.
- We'll be seen! - No we won't.
What do you mean 'be seen'.
Look, all the streets are empty, ain't they? At the moment! But I guarantee, the second I step out of this van a thousand people are gonna pour out out the out of a place where a thousand people are! No.
Not if we go through the back streets and the back alleys.
'Cause the only people there are the winos and the crackheads and let's face it, they see Batman and Robin every night of the week.
- Five minutes? - Five minutes, that's all, if we run.
- I'm going now Tom.
- I'll see you out.
- Goodnight, Councillor Murray.
- Goodnight, Tom.
- Sorry, Miss, you seen a policeman round here? - No, I haven't! - Good! Then giss your money! - What are you doing? Tom! Help! - Someone shut her up! - Get her briefcase.
Gary! - What's happening? - I haven't the faintest idea! Go! - Councillor Murray? - Yes.
I recognise you from your photograph.
Derek Trotter.
You may remember me.
I wrote to you sometime ago about a Del, let's go! Sorry, I must dash.
Duty calls.
Oh Boycie, let us in, will you? What have you two come as then? Batman and Robin.
Ignore him, Rodney, will you? Just ignore him.
- Where is everyone? - Straight through there, Caped Crusader.
You ain't gonna win nothing dressed like that.
Did you see that Rodders? We've come as Batman and Robin and Boycie's come as the Penguin.
Oh no, Del Boy, not the Penguin.
More like the Joker.
Kenny.
Mike from the Nag's Head.
Listen, I was really cut-up yesterday when I heard about your Dad.
Your husband.
Still, at least he didn't suffer.
No.
He had a good innings and he'd have been well chuffed to see all his family and friends turn up for his wake like this.
Derek.
Harry died yesterday.
Harry Harry die? Why didn't you tell us that out there instead of letting us come in here like that? Yeah.
We were going da na na na na and everything.
It completely slipped my mind.
Strange what grief can do.
Del.
I don't know if you remember me.
I'm Kenny, Harry's son.
Yes, of course I remember you.
I phoned round everyone to tell 'em the party was off.
I must have left four or five messages on your answer machine.
Obviously you didn't get 'em.
No, the machines playing up a bit.
I'm gonna throw that bloody machine away when we get home.
- Kenny, look, I am really sorry about this.
- Don't be silly.
The old man's most probably up there now having a bloody good laugh at you all.
- You'll stay, won't you? - Oh yeah, of course we're gonna stay.
- Go and grab yourself a drink and something to eat.
- Alright, cheers.
A beer here, Denz.
Didn't you know Harry had died? Of course we knew Harry had died! That's why we came dressed as Batman and Thingy! - Robin.
- Yes.
- I suppose the prize-giving's off now then, is it? -I love him.
Bloody love him.
Alright Del, Dave.
Bit of a choker old Harry popping off like that, innit? Yeah.
We didn't even know the fancy dress party had been cancelled.
Me neither.
You mean, that's your costume? Yeah, I come as a chauffer.
I feel a bit stupid now.
Come to mention it, you do stand out a bit.
I'm gonna cheer up the widow.
I don't think you and Del would have won first prize.
- No? - No.
You're alright, but Del don't look nothing like Tonto.
Aerodynamic designed cycling helmets.
As worn by Chris Boardman and his cousin Stan.
Look at that, beautiful.
OK then, what else we got here.
I tell you what we've got, look at this.
Baseball caps! Straight from LA, as worn by MC Hammer.
Here you are madam, buy one for you kid for Christmas.
They'll look lovely in his stocking, I tell you that.
No? Right, what else have we got.
Oh, yes, what have we got here! Look at this! We've got the unisex baseball caps.
Look at that.
There you are, buy one for your son, buy one for your daughter! Well done! - Del! - Yeah! What's up? Have a look.
- Give us your bag! - Oi! What's your game? Rodney, get after him! Go on! Are you alright? You alright, darling? Little buggers have nicked me handbag, son.
My bloody arse is hurting as well.
You just take it easy, will ya? Just take it easy.
Someone call an ambulance for her, will ya? Also, call the police.
Hey, you! Oi! Whoops-a-daisy.
We read and we hear about so-called have-a-go-heroes, but we very rarely have the honour of meeting one.
Well, I'm proud to say that here, in Peckham, we have our very own have-ago-hero.
And so it's my great honour and privilege to present this medal for bravery to Derek Trotter.
That's Batman! - Mr Trotter, could I have a couple of pictures? - Mange-tout, mange-tout.
How come you got a medal? I did all the running.
Yes I know, but you were running away from him! I was not running away from him actually.
I was just luring him.
Well you weren't half luring him fast then! You shot past me like Linford Christie.
Minus that poodle that he keeps down his shorts, of course.
Could you mind out of the way please, sir Yes, could you mind out of the way, please, Rodney You're casting a shadow on the hero.
Why didn't you get a medal, Rodney? No, they offered me one but I said I wanted to remain anonymous.
Mr Trotter.
Councillor Murray.
We met, the night you were dressed as Batman.
Oh yes, of course.
- I've never been so frightened in my life.
- It was only a costume.
No, I mean terrified of that awful gang of muggers.
Oh, I see, yes.
- Still, they're behind bars now, thanks to you.
- Oh, don't mention it.
If ever there's anything I can do for you, please don't hesitate to call.
Well, thank you very much indeed.
Thank you.
Councillor Murray.
As a matter of fact there is a little something that you might be able to help me out with.
- Do you think we could have a little chat? - Of course.
Come this way.
Cushty! We're gonna have to cut this one out for the family album.
A Trotter's never won a medal before.
Well, Albert's won three of four dozen.
Why'd they use the word 'man'? They could have mentioned Rodney.
- I mean, why didn't they say 'men'? - Yeah, Rodney was there as well.
They do mention him, here you are.
'Mr Trotter was aided in the capture of the muggers by his younger brother, Rooney.
' You see, it's bloody Rooney! Come on then, ladies and gentlemen, charge your glasses.
Because I have got something to say, on this auspicious occasion.
And that is, not only am I the only Trotter to win a medal without getting wet.
But this is a double celebration.
- You told them! - No, I never! I swear! - How d'you lot find out? - Find out what? - You mean you don't know? - No.
Well, in that case, let me just say that if, in the near future, anybody wants to buy Cassandra and I some Mothercare vouchers, they will come in bloody handy! - Yes my son, we have scored! - And it was a beauty! It's coming home, it's coming home, it's coming, football's coming home! Well done my son! I'm pleased for you, son.
I know you've been through hell to get there.
How about that then, eh? A little cousin for Damien to play with.
Wait a minute.
You said this was a double celebration before you found out about Cassandra being pregnant.
So what else are we celebrating? That's right.
Then it's a treble celebration.
'Cause you know I was turned down for my home improvement grant by the council.
Well, they have changed their minds and send me a cheque for 5,000 pounds.
- They gave you 5,000 pounds? - Yes, what can't speak can't lie.
Signed by Councillor Murray.
- It's not a bad old world is it, bruv? - It's getting better all the time, Del.
Lovely jubbly.
NVL