Will and Grace s08e01 Episode Script
Alive and Schticking
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XviD-SAiNTS / 175MB Will & Grace ½ÌÅ© Á¦ÀÛ ÇÑ±Û ¹ø¿ª ½ÌÅ© ÆíÁý ÃÖÁ¾ Å×½ºÆ® Look, I can't see you again, Tom You're married I know we kissed, but that's all that happened Okay, that happened And that happened, too But only because it fell out Look, we really shouldn't be talking about this, I mean it Please, don't call me again Call me later Where were you last night? I have huge news! I was here I didn't go anywhere, I have morals Look, you can't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you now Karen's dead husband is not dead What? Stan's alive? But there was a funeral We scattered a trash bag full of his ashes Apparently, that was just dirt and Rice Krispies Oh, my god, that's unbelievable! What happened? Remember Malcolm? The guy who recruited me for his foundation? It turns out he works for "big brother.
" - The TV show? - No, the government! He staged Stan's death because Stan was in some kind of trouble with the mob So, for the last two years, he and Stan have been living under seclusion under protection of "big brother.
" - The government? - No, the TV show Malcolm's sister-in-law is an associate producer or something Ok.
Wait a minute, Your new boss actually works for the government and has been protecting Stan all this time? Yeah.
He's not my boss anymore, I quit The whole thing is just complicated and convoluted It doesn't even make any sense It's like the contract they make you sign when you marry Tom Cruise Oh, God.
Man God, Stan is back from the dead What did Karen say? I mean, she freaked when her stepdaughter came back from camp She doesn't know No one can know until they're certain it's safe for Stan to come out of hiding So, Grace we can keep secrets, right? Oh, yeah I mean, other people's secrets I don't have any secrets I'm a good person Hey, Will Where's Grace? How 'bout that Right in the blind spot Anyway, I'm sure you all heard about the horrible F-I-Asco at the premiere of "Jack Talk" last night Uh, no And in case you've forgotten we try not to give people reasons to call us "butt pirates.
" I tripped making my entrance knocked over the lights and caught the set on fire - And that's when you hurt your eye? - No When we were celebrating putting out the fire I got a piece of glitter in my cornea Grace, I called you last night Where were you? Did you get together with that Tom guy? Because it seems like you two were really hitting it off-- Stan's alive! Will saw him! It's true, Jack Last night I sat across from Stan and he talked to me same as I'm talking to you right now If I were eating 14 chalupas Wow I need some time to process that It may take a while because I only have one eye All I know is that I was here last night.
That's all I know - Malcolm? - Hi.
Hi, gang I'm sorry to barge in here unannounced uninvited and reeking of hummus, but Will Can I speak with you privately, please? It's urgent Sure.
Just let me get some pita to dip into your breath Why did you quit your job? Is it because I said you couldn't wear open-toed shoes to work? Uh, no, it's because I was working for a bogus charity which was a cover for a shady government operation to protect a back-from-the-dead former client And by the way some sandals can be very dressy I just hope you haven't been blabbing about Stan because anyone that knows anything can be a target for assassination What?! You never mentioned that! Well, que sera, sera What does that mean?! Whatever will be will be It's the very next line of the song I know what it means I was obsessed with Doris Day the same as any other normal teenaged boy Look, the important thing right now is to get these ice cream sandwiches into your freezer as soon as possible What are you doing with ice cream sandwiches? I'm gonna drop by without a gift? I think I was raised better than that No one can see us talking Quick, I'm your boyfriend! Hey, hey, hey Come on! Come on! Will, Will! Will, that is just disgusting and unnatural Oh, you're not Grace Never mind.
Sorry Karen, what happened to you? you know how my big toe and the one next to it have always been webbed together? No.
Although I always assumed you had a tail Yeah.
Well, I finally had it surgically corrected I can't swim in really fast circles anymore, but I can wear flip-flops She removed the one thing that made her human Uh, excuse me, miss Malcolm Widmark I hope this isn't too forward but I find you quite beautiful I look forward to the day that I see you ride this thing toward me on a very bumpy road In a town where everyone's naked Karen Walker, and it is pleasure to meet a true gentleman Now, if you'll excuse me the gap between my toes is throbbing like a son of a bitch Sheer elegance What can I say, she is everything Stan said she would be much more - Your package is dripping - What can I say? I like her The ice cream sandwiches! Give me that So the doctor said he could separate my toes with a laser But I said, "Nope.
Scissors.
" Hey, if it was good enough for my mother AnywhoThanks for not making me feel self-conscious Hey.
Cyclops! What's with the idiot patch? (¿µÈ 'X-¸Ç'ÀÇ Ä³¸¯ÅÍ) I had the largest glitter-related tragedy since Mariah Carey's film debut Hello? Tom, I don't think I can go ahead with it Because it's wrong I said no, please just stop calling The American Heart Association They're relentless The boys are back Ms.
Walker I have dated many women with physical and mental disabilities in my time but of the ones in chairs might I say you are the loveliest Speaking of chairs you look like a fun place to sit How would you like to go out on a date with me? Right now I can't see any reason why not You can't? Wanna to give it a minute? Well, let me just freshen up Come on, Rosie, Vamoose, moose I'm going on lunch, lady Mmm, Subway chicken parm Mmm,It could only taste better if I were eating this on your grave Sassy gals get the hose! You know, since my de-webbing I have so much more compassion for people in pain Ow! Look out, sissy! Malcolm - can speak to you privately? - Ow! You can't date Karen! You're still protecting her husband - It's a clear conflict of interest - Ooh, "conflict of interest.
" Somebody went to the University of Fancy Look, Will, don't worry It's all part of the plan We'll talk it over at the office tomorrow No, we won't We're gonna do my plan You don't date Karen You accept the fact that I quit And you never bring ice cream to a gay man's house, That's just hostile Jack you've had affairs with married men, right? I am insulted you would even ask Of course I have That's like me asking you if you rely too much on your hair Guilty It even got me out of my math requirement at N.
Y.
U.
So you don't feel worried that cheating makes you a bad person? Why? What have I done? My only crime is being irresistible Besides, Grace, life is too short to waste time on over-thinking things When an opportunity comes I don't question it I grab it, drop its ring on the nightstand, and swing on it 'til dawn! You make it -- you make it sound so hot Necessary even Um, Yeah! And, um, it's also kind of sexy to have a secret no one knows Like when you drink too much and get a little tattoo that says "I love Will" What? Did you hear that? Karen's hurt - Karen, are you okay? - Ow! Did you hear that? Rosie's hurt! Tom, hi Let's do it Yeah.
Life is too short and I just want to grab at it and swing on it 'til dawn! Oh, no, no, no, no that's just a little figure of speech I mean, we're going to run out of stuff way before dawn Yeah, I don't do that much - Okay - Okay It's official I don't trust Malcolm I don't trust Malcolm either - There, I said it - No, I just said it But, you didn't say "there, I said it.
" I agree with Jack Malcolm can't be trusted I said it before he--Look the important thing is we have to tell Karen the truth - That her husband is alive - We have to tell Karen Stan's alive - There, I said it - No, I said it - You're right, Grace - I said it before-- I'm the one making dramatic pronouncements here! About what, honey? Karen, you can't go out with Malcolm - Why not? - Because-- Because Stan's alive Now that is one hot cackle - Are you ready? - Oh, Malcolm.
You will not believe what Will just said to keep us from dating He said that my dead husband Stan is alive! Oh, Will, you kill me And one day I'm going to have to repay the favor I did not see that coming Well, I saw half of it coming Will! Out in the hallway now! Hi, gang! Buddy, you made a big mistake telling Karen about Stan Thank God she thought you were joking If you pull that one more time, you are going to be majorly assassinated "Majorly assassinated"? Wicked assassinated? Oh, for God's sake This isn't about Stan anymore There's no danger You just want to sleep with Karen! Gosh, I just wanted to hold hands but do you think she'll go all the way? I know I've overstated the danger to you I want to keep Stan underground for a while longer to see if I have a future with his wife A future? You just met her! I've known her eight years and I just found out recently she has fish feet! Jack? Help me figure out what to bring Which one is sexier? Oh, Grace, I have no opinion on women's undergarments I don't know what pokes through where And where are you going? I'm going to meet Tom You know what? I'm not even going to think about it I'm going to close my eyes and do what I want Oh, hey, hello I'm George Bush, ha-ha Wait a minute Are you telling me you intend to know a married man in the biblical sense? And in the vagina? You can't do that Jack, we talked about this You said it was, it was fun, and sexy Not for you! You are a woman of quality That is such-- that's such a double standard What, you get to do it, but I don't? It's different for me, because-- because it-- I said-- All right.
Listen, I'm going to tell you something that does not leave this room, okay? - I've never cheated - No! Yes I, too, am-- I, too, am a woman of quality Sure, I talk a big game, but deep down, I know it's wrong, and so do you! Let's face it, Grace You and I, we have always been the moral center of our group - We have? - Oh, come on You know how when Will and Karen get in their ridiculous shenanigans you and I always catch each other's eyes and shrug - We shrug? - Yes Because we're moral That is why we shrug And Grace, you were devastated when Leo cheated on you Do you really want to do that to someone else? The more you know And shooting star You know what, Jack? You're right.
You're right You're right.
You're right Tell me how you feel about this business then.
I, I thought that I could be cavalier about love and sex but that's not who I am.
And I'm glad it's not Thank you for being honest with me, Jack.
Really Well If I'm really going to be honest, um There's something else I need to say to you I, um, do not have a G.
R.
I.
, glitter-related injury It's something much more hideous What happened to your eyebrow? Funny you should ask During the fire, I sing'd it off You mean "singed" No, actually, I mean sing'd As the set burned around me I refused to stop singing my patriotic finale You're a Grand Old Fag When I went to salute I didn't realize my sleeve was on fire Okay, look, we're done Will-- I didn't want to have to play this card, but if you keep it up I'm coming after your family That's the Partridge Family Would you be upset if they died? - Do not try to kiss me! - I wasn't going to Why? Was I bad? Wilma, Malcolm Inside, we need to talk! - We certainly do - Will, don't make trouble for me I just want to have dinner with Karen and catch a flight to D.
C.
by midnight I have to shred some documents for a client I can't say who, but I can't delay it Do you understand? Delay it It's Tom DeLay It's Tom DeLay's documents! You're an idiot! Well.
Will said something that has made me very curious Well, I see you're curious too, Jack I just don't understand why Will would lie to me about Stan being alive I mean, come on, let's face it Will and I have always been the moral center of our group Stanley loved me He loved me too much to put me through the pain of the last two years for nothing So I know he's dead and I don't want anybody saying otherwise! - Miss Karen-- - Rosie, you stay out of this Miss Karen, Mr.
Stan isn't dead I've been sending him updates on you for over a year He was in trouble, Karen He had to disappear And now the love of your life is back Wow Stan's alive Well Ain't that a kick in the pants Rosie thank you for finally telling me the truth You're fired I never want to see you again Malcolm, I'm ready for our date Stan may be alive but he's still dead to me! Ciao! Wow I feel so sad Grace, will you change my eyebrow? ÀÚ¸·Á¦ÀÛ - ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Á °ÇºÎ ¹èÆ÷ / ¼öÁ¤ ±ÝÁö ¹èÆ÷½Ã ÀÚ¸· Ãâó¸¦ ²À ¹àÇô ÁÖ¼¼¿ä
XviD-SAiNTS / 175MB Will & Grace ½ÌÅ© Á¦ÀÛ ÇÑ±Û ¹ø¿ª ½ÌÅ© ÆíÁý ÃÖÁ¾ Å×½ºÆ® Look, I can't see you again, Tom You're married I know we kissed, but that's all that happened Okay, that happened And that happened, too But only because it fell out Look, we really shouldn't be talking about this, I mean it Please, don't call me again Call me later Where were you last night? I have huge news! I was here I didn't go anywhere, I have morals Look, you can't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you now Karen's dead husband is not dead What? Stan's alive? But there was a funeral We scattered a trash bag full of his ashes Apparently, that was just dirt and Rice Krispies Oh, my god, that's unbelievable! What happened? Remember Malcolm? The guy who recruited me for his foundation? It turns out he works for "big brother.
" - The TV show? - No, the government! He staged Stan's death because Stan was in some kind of trouble with the mob So, for the last two years, he and Stan have been living under seclusion under protection of "big brother.
" - The government? - No, the TV show Malcolm's sister-in-law is an associate producer or something Ok.
Wait a minute, Your new boss actually works for the government and has been protecting Stan all this time? Yeah.
He's not my boss anymore, I quit The whole thing is just complicated and convoluted It doesn't even make any sense It's like the contract they make you sign when you marry Tom Cruise Oh, God.
Man God, Stan is back from the dead What did Karen say? I mean, she freaked when her stepdaughter came back from camp She doesn't know No one can know until they're certain it's safe for Stan to come out of hiding So, Grace we can keep secrets, right? Oh, yeah I mean, other people's secrets I don't have any secrets I'm a good person Hey, Will Where's Grace? How 'bout that Right in the blind spot Anyway, I'm sure you all heard about the horrible F-I-Asco at the premiere of "Jack Talk" last night Uh, no And in case you've forgotten we try not to give people reasons to call us "butt pirates.
" I tripped making my entrance knocked over the lights and caught the set on fire - And that's when you hurt your eye? - No When we were celebrating putting out the fire I got a piece of glitter in my cornea Grace, I called you last night Where were you? Did you get together with that Tom guy? Because it seems like you two were really hitting it off-- Stan's alive! Will saw him! It's true, Jack Last night I sat across from Stan and he talked to me same as I'm talking to you right now If I were eating 14 chalupas Wow I need some time to process that It may take a while because I only have one eye All I know is that I was here last night.
That's all I know - Malcolm? - Hi.
Hi, gang I'm sorry to barge in here unannounced uninvited and reeking of hummus, but Will Can I speak with you privately, please? It's urgent Sure.
Just let me get some pita to dip into your breath Why did you quit your job? Is it because I said you couldn't wear open-toed shoes to work? Uh, no, it's because I was working for a bogus charity which was a cover for a shady government operation to protect a back-from-the-dead former client And by the way some sandals can be very dressy I just hope you haven't been blabbing about Stan because anyone that knows anything can be a target for assassination What?! You never mentioned that! Well, que sera, sera What does that mean?! Whatever will be will be It's the very next line of the song I know what it means I was obsessed with Doris Day the same as any other normal teenaged boy Look, the important thing right now is to get these ice cream sandwiches into your freezer as soon as possible What are you doing with ice cream sandwiches? I'm gonna drop by without a gift? I think I was raised better than that No one can see us talking Quick, I'm your boyfriend! Hey, hey, hey Come on! Come on! Will, Will! Will, that is just disgusting and unnatural Oh, you're not Grace Never mind.
Sorry Karen, what happened to you? you know how my big toe and the one next to it have always been webbed together? No.
Although I always assumed you had a tail Yeah.
Well, I finally had it surgically corrected I can't swim in really fast circles anymore, but I can wear flip-flops She removed the one thing that made her human Uh, excuse me, miss Malcolm Widmark I hope this isn't too forward but I find you quite beautiful I look forward to the day that I see you ride this thing toward me on a very bumpy road In a town where everyone's naked Karen Walker, and it is pleasure to meet a true gentleman Now, if you'll excuse me the gap between my toes is throbbing like a son of a bitch Sheer elegance What can I say, she is everything Stan said she would be much more - Your package is dripping - What can I say? I like her The ice cream sandwiches! Give me that So the doctor said he could separate my toes with a laser But I said, "Nope.
Scissors.
" Hey, if it was good enough for my mother AnywhoThanks for not making me feel self-conscious Hey.
Cyclops! What's with the idiot patch? (¿µÈ 'X-¸Ç'ÀÇ Ä³¸¯ÅÍ) I had the largest glitter-related tragedy since Mariah Carey's film debut Hello? Tom, I don't think I can go ahead with it Because it's wrong I said no, please just stop calling The American Heart Association They're relentless The boys are back Ms.
Walker I have dated many women with physical and mental disabilities in my time but of the ones in chairs might I say you are the loveliest Speaking of chairs you look like a fun place to sit How would you like to go out on a date with me? Right now I can't see any reason why not You can't? Wanna to give it a minute? Well, let me just freshen up Come on, Rosie, Vamoose, moose I'm going on lunch, lady Mmm, Subway chicken parm Mmm,It could only taste better if I were eating this on your grave Sassy gals get the hose! You know, since my de-webbing I have so much more compassion for people in pain Ow! Look out, sissy! Malcolm - can speak to you privately? - Ow! You can't date Karen! You're still protecting her husband - It's a clear conflict of interest - Ooh, "conflict of interest.
" Somebody went to the University of Fancy Look, Will, don't worry It's all part of the plan We'll talk it over at the office tomorrow No, we won't We're gonna do my plan You don't date Karen You accept the fact that I quit And you never bring ice cream to a gay man's house, That's just hostile Jack you've had affairs with married men, right? I am insulted you would even ask Of course I have That's like me asking you if you rely too much on your hair Guilty It even got me out of my math requirement at N.
Y.
U.
So you don't feel worried that cheating makes you a bad person? Why? What have I done? My only crime is being irresistible Besides, Grace, life is too short to waste time on over-thinking things When an opportunity comes I don't question it I grab it, drop its ring on the nightstand, and swing on it 'til dawn! You make it -- you make it sound so hot Necessary even Um, Yeah! And, um, it's also kind of sexy to have a secret no one knows Like when you drink too much and get a little tattoo that says "I love Will" What? Did you hear that? Karen's hurt - Karen, are you okay? - Ow! Did you hear that? Rosie's hurt! Tom, hi Let's do it Yeah.
Life is too short and I just want to grab at it and swing on it 'til dawn! Oh, no, no, no, no that's just a little figure of speech I mean, we're going to run out of stuff way before dawn Yeah, I don't do that much - Okay - Okay It's official I don't trust Malcolm I don't trust Malcolm either - There, I said it - No, I just said it But, you didn't say "there, I said it.
" I agree with Jack Malcolm can't be trusted I said it before he--Look the important thing is we have to tell Karen the truth - That her husband is alive - We have to tell Karen Stan's alive - There, I said it - No, I said it - You're right, Grace - I said it before-- I'm the one making dramatic pronouncements here! About what, honey? Karen, you can't go out with Malcolm - Why not? - Because-- Because Stan's alive Now that is one hot cackle - Are you ready? - Oh, Malcolm.
You will not believe what Will just said to keep us from dating He said that my dead husband Stan is alive! Oh, Will, you kill me And one day I'm going to have to repay the favor I did not see that coming Well, I saw half of it coming Will! Out in the hallway now! Hi, gang! Buddy, you made a big mistake telling Karen about Stan Thank God she thought you were joking If you pull that one more time, you are going to be majorly assassinated "Majorly assassinated"? Wicked assassinated? Oh, for God's sake This isn't about Stan anymore There's no danger You just want to sleep with Karen! Gosh, I just wanted to hold hands but do you think she'll go all the way? I know I've overstated the danger to you I want to keep Stan underground for a while longer to see if I have a future with his wife A future? You just met her! I've known her eight years and I just found out recently she has fish feet! Jack? Help me figure out what to bring Which one is sexier? Oh, Grace, I have no opinion on women's undergarments I don't know what pokes through where And where are you going? I'm going to meet Tom You know what? I'm not even going to think about it I'm going to close my eyes and do what I want Oh, hey, hello I'm George Bush, ha-ha Wait a minute Are you telling me you intend to know a married man in the biblical sense? And in the vagina? You can't do that Jack, we talked about this You said it was, it was fun, and sexy Not for you! You are a woman of quality That is such-- that's such a double standard What, you get to do it, but I don't? It's different for me, because-- because it-- I said-- All right.
Listen, I'm going to tell you something that does not leave this room, okay? - I've never cheated - No! Yes I, too, am-- I, too, am a woman of quality Sure, I talk a big game, but deep down, I know it's wrong, and so do you! Let's face it, Grace You and I, we have always been the moral center of our group - We have? - Oh, come on You know how when Will and Karen get in their ridiculous shenanigans you and I always catch each other's eyes and shrug - We shrug? - Yes Because we're moral That is why we shrug And Grace, you were devastated when Leo cheated on you Do you really want to do that to someone else? The more you know And shooting star You know what, Jack? You're right.
You're right You're right.
You're right Tell me how you feel about this business then.
I, I thought that I could be cavalier about love and sex but that's not who I am.
And I'm glad it's not Thank you for being honest with me, Jack.
Really Well If I'm really going to be honest, um There's something else I need to say to you I, um, do not have a G.
R.
I.
, glitter-related injury It's something much more hideous What happened to your eyebrow? Funny you should ask During the fire, I sing'd it off You mean "singed" No, actually, I mean sing'd As the set burned around me I refused to stop singing my patriotic finale You're a Grand Old Fag When I went to salute I didn't realize my sleeve was on fire Okay, look, we're done Will-- I didn't want to have to play this card, but if you keep it up I'm coming after your family That's the Partridge Family Would you be upset if they died? - Do not try to kiss me! - I wasn't going to Why? Was I bad? Wilma, Malcolm Inside, we need to talk! - We certainly do - Will, don't make trouble for me I just want to have dinner with Karen and catch a flight to D.
C.
by midnight I have to shred some documents for a client I can't say who, but I can't delay it Do you understand? Delay it It's Tom DeLay It's Tom DeLay's documents! You're an idiot! Well.
Will said something that has made me very curious Well, I see you're curious too, Jack I just don't understand why Will would lie to me about Stan being alive I mean, come on, let's face it Will and I have always been the moral center of our group Stanley loved me He loved me too much to put me through the pain of the last two years for nothing So I know he's dead and I don't want anybody saying otherwise! - Miss Karen-- - Rosie, you stay out of this Miss Karen, Mr.
Stan isn't dead I've been sending him updates on you for over a year He was in trouble, Karen He had to disappear And now the love of your life is back Wow Stan's alive Well Ain't that a kick in the pants Rosie thank you for finally telling me the truth You're fired I never want to see you again Malcolm, I'm ready for our date Stan may be alive but he's still dead to me! Ciao! Wow I feel so sad Grace, will you change my eyebrow? ÀÚ¸·Á¦ÀÛ - ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Á °ÇºÎ ¹èÆ÷ / ¼öÁ¤ ±ÝÁö ¹èÆ÷½Ã ÀÚ¸· Ãâó¸¦ ²À ¹àÇô ÁÖ¼¼¿ä