8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s08e02 Episode Script
Roisin Conaty, Nish Kumar, Adam Buxton
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Jon Richardson, Sean Lock, Nish Kumar, Roisin Conaty, Adam Buxton, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, in Danish, Lego literally translates as "play well"? Lego is so versatile.
It doesn't matter whether you want to tread on something painful, get something lodged up a child's nose or choke a pet to death, Lego has the perfect brick for you.
A moment was originally defined as one 40th of an hour, or 90 seconds.
It can be used in phrases such as, "Would you like to have sex with me? "It'll only take a moment.
" SHE MOUTHS LAUGHTER And the expression "born with a silver spoon in his mouth" means being born into a rich family.
Whilst the expression "born with a silver spoon in one hand "and a lighter in the other" means born in Glasgow.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's teams.
First up, it's Sean Lock.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Sean Lock.
If he was any more of an angry bear, he'd have two Russian peasants standing either side of him trying to make him dance.
And joining Sean tonight, it's Roisin Conaty.
I'm not saying Roisin is terrible at Countdown, but the longest word she's ever come up with on this show is DRONE.
Might not seem that bad, but unfortunately, that was in the numbers round.
- Thanks for having me! - LAUGHTER Up against them this evening, it's Jon Richardson.
Jon Richardson is a real man of the people, and those people are the ones that wear cardigans and don't have any friends.
HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY Yeah, that told me(!) And Jon's team-mate, Nish Kumar.
Very happy to have Nish here.
Can't believe our luck.
Nish once went to see the film Shame with his dad, but said the graphic sex made it very awkward.
Everyone in the cinema asked them to stop.
LAUGHTER Hi, Dad! OK, Sean, what's your morning routine? Well, I get up.
I put all the light bulbs back in.
LAUGHTER Cos the lockdown's over.
Put the power on.
Get the remotes out of the safe.
Turn the stopcock back on so we've got water.
- Stopcock? - Yeah, the stopcock.
- I know what a stop clock is.
- A stopcock.
LAUGHTER You know in your house, there's a tap under a cupboard somewhere? - And it's called a stopcock? - Yeah.
- No, it's not! - It stops the water LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH Roisin has never used the words stop and cock in the same sentence.
Never.
Is it? OK.
- What is a stop clock? - Stop clock? STOP clock! - Who's heard of stop clock? - SILENCE - Guys? - LAUGHTER Who's heard of stopcock? - CHEERING - Oh, they just all love Sean.
No, actually, there's a block booking of plumbers in.
Did I ruin your itinerary? You were up to the stopcock.
Was there any more that you had to say? No, it was just the fact that I shut my house down when I go to bed.
Nobody's allowed to use any of the facilities in the home until I wake again.
But, you know, just because you don't understand some basic words.
That we all use.
I'm frightened of using the word "the" now.
Roisin, you recently tweeted that you walk like a bear pretending to be a human.
What are you talking about? I watched a thing that I was on and I don't use my arms when I walk.
How do you get through doors? Like a bear going through a door.
No, I was watching a thing I worked on, a travel show, and I was walking in Berlin and I was going LAUGHTER And I thought, "If I just use my arms, "it'd look like a lot less effort.
" But I just - Do you watch yourself on telly? - No.
This time, I did.
I thought I was on safe ground.
I thought, "It's just Berlin, innit?" - Then I found out I was a bear! - LAUGHTER It's really upsetting, but you know, it's another little sexy thing.
You like bears? You'll like me! OK.
Jon, if you could rid the world of any one thing, what would it be? Oh, it's tricky, isn't it? Cos there are so many problems in the world.
Obviously, you want to pick something that would make the world a better place, but then, also, you have your own selfish desires.
I guess, if it were up to me, it would be sweet potato fries.
- LAUGHTER - ROISIN: I think that's fair! I just think they can really fuck off! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - ROISIN: I've never felt more passionate! - Who wants ironic chips? Who looked at any item on any menu and thought, "We should really spruce up chips"? Chips were absolutely fine.
They were the best thing.
Whatever's next to chips, I only eat, so I can have chips.
That's basically it.
And then somebody went, "Why don't we make them taste like pudding?" So yeah, that or, like, poverty.
LAUGHTER - What about you, Sean? - Um, I've had them a couple of times.
Once, I thought, "Oh, these are quite nice.
" Another time I was probably a bit full from something I'd had earlier.
I'm absolutely furious about this! Sweet potato? I cannot think of a cause I feel more strongly about than sweet potato fries being delicious.
This has caused a real fault line in our team, Jon! Yeah, well, you're wrong.
- OK, Nish? - Hello.
- First time on the show.
Are you going to be better on - the numbers or the letters? - I think it's going to be, er, letters.
I think I'm a man of words, cos I've spent half of my time - at university studying English.
- What did you do the other half? I was captain of the school's kissing team! LAUGHTER Captain of the school's kissing team? Done a lot of practice at home with your dad, I would imagine? Do you think cavemen used to kiss? ROISIN: Yeah, they kissed! But they were disgusting and ugly and covered in hair! - But everyone was! - Whoa, hold on, Sean! LAUGHTER Know your audience! You seem to have a very hard view of the cavemen.
Well, they can't come back at you, can they? It's one of the few groups you can take the piss out of these days.
I don't want to give away your tactic of how good I think you're going to be at this game, Nish, but I noticed that, on your piece of paper there, you've written, "Nish Kumar, Countdown.
" And that leads me to believe you are as prepared as - any team-mate I've ever had.
- LAUGHTER - I am 100% ready to go! - Yeah.
OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? Well, it's an Olympic year, Jimmy, and I noticed, at the start of the Olympics, they always do, like, an Opening Ceremony, and it's occurred to me that we never do any such thing.
So I've put the wheels in motion and I've organised, to celebrate the opening of this episode of Countdown, a little, um, torch, which lights fireworks, obviously.
This torch has been passed - in honour of Countdown - from towns from Aberdeen to Yeovil, cos there's nowhere that starts with Z.
Um, this lighter has been used to light a cigarette outside - an A&E unit in all these towns.
- LAUGHTER So can we dim the lights? I think the lighter is concluding its journey now.
- Ah! - If we just pass that along the line, Jimmy.
- Sure.
- Yeah, there we go, pass that to Nish.
- Nish.
- Thank you.
It's exciting, isn't it? And then, on here, I have an indoor firework on a paving slab.
LOUD THUD And if we can get some music to really make this feel MUSIC: Pomp and Circumstance March 1 (Land of Hope and Glory) by Elgar - Ah! - LAUGHTER Here we go.
Stand back, everyone.
We should all be wearing goggles.
LAUGHTER This is Britain! Tea! Chips that aren't orange! - Light, you motherf.
.
! - HUGE LAUGHTER Oh, here we go.
CHEERING APPLAUSE ROISIN: Eugh, it's like a turd! It just sort of turns into a big turd.
LAUGHTER SLAB THUDS - Um, Nish, have you got a mascot? - I do.
And it's this.
It's a trophy that I won when I was 11 years old, from Addiscombe Colts Cricket Club.
Every year, they give out awards that were pretty self-explanatory - Batsman Of The Year, Bowler Of The Year, Player Of The Year.
This is none of those.
This is actually an award called Clubman Of The Year, an award which I subsequently found out was presented on the criteria of the boy who'd shown the most enthusiasm in the face of, and I quote, "an overwhelming lack of ability".
- LAUGHTER - So I'm hoping it's going to get me through tonight.
Well, it's a wonderful thing.
OK, Roisin, have you got a mascot? Yes, I have.
So I've done the show a few times and, normally, I bring in mascots that sort of try and inspire me or make me feel empowered, but they've never worked, so now I'm doing a bit of tough love.
And what I've brought in is an electric shock device.
- LAUGHTER - Basically, I want to try and bully myself into being better at Countdown.
- SEAN: Where are you going to attach them? - On my back.
- I think Sean should be in charge, or - Are you out of your mind?! - He'll kill me for hijinks! - LAUGHTER OK That's just not nice.
- OK.
- Agh! Immediately, I don't like it! Where are they selling this personalised electric shock equipment? I mean, where can you buy them? LAUGHTER It's really hot! - Do you want a go? - Er, yeah.
I think it's a trust exercise.
There you go.
Don't go mad.
Easy, it's on my back! SHE GASPS THEN SQUEALS, LAUGHTER - You fucking monster! - What? Agh! You sod! Ah! It's really horrible on your hand! It's too much! HUGE LAUGHTER - OK, Sean, have you got a mascot? - Oh, yes, Jimmy, I have.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I've been looking at the seaside experience.
It's high time we, er, did a bit of updating, played around with a very traditional experience, which has become a bit tired.
For example, the sandcastle bucket, right? So I've come up with, er, with a few new ones.
There's this one here.
That is Oprah Winfrey on a camel.
LAUGHTER Leave that there.
But you don't need to do the hours of And there's this one here.
This is Simon Cowell as a mermaid.
HUGE LAUGHTER And you can see how high up the fish bit goes, right up to Basically, the idea is, Jimmy, you know those sand buskers? I want to do for them what Uber did to the cab driver.
I just want to wipe 'em out! Just with buckets.
- So that's my mascot idea.
- I like it.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Adam Buxton! Adam Buxton and I have something in common.
We're both internet pioneers.
He was one of the first people to have his own YouTube channel and I was one of the first people to reply to an e-mail regarding a penis extension.
- LAUGHTER - Which I sent.
Made a lot of money out of those penis extension That business.
How do the penis extensions actually work? Well, you just measure it from further back.
LAUGHTER Adam, what have you been up to since we last had you on the show? - What have you been up to? - Well, the best thing for me last year was that I got a job - .
.
and, um - LAUGHTER It was at the local pub and they have a problem with fairly slippery floors there.
So I got the gig of being the guy that checks the "slipposity" of the pub floors.
This is me actually at work.
LAUGHTER 'You've got to be careful! Oh, watch out!' Adam Buxton! I mean! And with Adam, of course, it's Susie Dent! CHEERING Susie has a regular slot on Countdown called Origins Of Words, in which she explains the derivations of words and phrases that no-one gives a shit about! LAUGHTER Susie, you recently said you hate the term "get a room".
What's so bad about that phrase? I haven't been on Twitter for long, but if I talk to a bloke on Twitter, so Richard Osman is a classic example.
If Richard and I ever get into some kind of Twitter exchange, it takes about 90 seconds before someone says, "Get a room.
" It doesn't matter what we're talking about and it just drives me nuts! - Do you ever get this? - Er, no, no-one wants me to get a room.
LAUGHTER Are you saying sexy things to Richard? - We are not saying sexy things at all.
- He's a sexy man.
He is a sexy man.
I think it's cos we both operate laptops and are quite geeky and sit in the Corner.
- I think people - Get a room! - LAUGHTER And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! APPLAUSE Rachel is like a film star.
Unfortunately, that film is Rain Man.
LAUGHTER I thought it was going to be a dancing joke.
I'll take Rain Man, that's fine.
She's also shit at dancing! SHE LAUGHS Rachel, Nish is new to Countdown.
What advice would you give him? Well, it's a British institution, 34 years old, in the Guinness Book Of Records, the Queen watches, the nation watches, so I just say Don't cock it up! LAUGHTER Failing that, I'd just go probably one better than Roisin - and you'll probably be all right.
- Rachel! - Rachel! - No OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown Ice Cream Bike! CHEERING OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game of the evening.
Jon and Nish, you get the first pick of the letters.
Go on, Nish! - Er, Rachel, please may I have a vowel? - Thank you, Nish.
E And a consonant.
And a vowel.
U And a consonant.
F And a consonant.
M And a consonant.
D And a vowel.
O Another vowel.
I - And one more consonant.
- And the last one - L - OK, for the first time tonight, here's the Countdown clock.
MUSIC PLAYS LAUGHTER Go on, fuck off! Go on! CHEERING Vermin! The only language they understand.
LAUGHTER - Sean, how many letters? - Six.
- Roisin? - Five.
- Jon? - Well, I think I've got an eight, but I've said it so many times now in my head, - I've convinced myself it's not a word.
- Oh, I'm excited.
- OK, Nish? - I've got a six.
- OK, Roisin, what have you got? DONUT.
LAUGHTER Susie? It's the US spelling, but I might just overlook that fact, - cos it is in the dictionary.
- OK.
Sean, what's your six? Um LAUGHTER - TOILED.
- TOILED - good word.
- Nish, what's your six? Mine is, er, FONDLE.
LAUGHTER I think Rachel has a message for us.
Um, Jon? It's pretty exciting.
It's an eight? Well, I'm now convinced this isn't a word.
I've got FLOUNTED, but I think I mean FLAUNTED - SUSIE: Yeah.
- .
.
and I think I say, "You flounted it.
" - That's what I've done.
- Yeah, you've flouted the rules and flaunted it.
- That's a shame.
- Well, six points each, then.
Susie, could they have done any better? Well, it was immediately obvious to me that there was eight.
- OUTLINED.
- Oh! - OUTLINED? There was LENTOID, for seven - the shape of a lens.
And that was staring everyone in the face! LAUGHTER OK, so, at the end of that, both teams have six points! On to our first numbers round.
OK, Sean and Roisin, your turn to - pick the numbers.
- Go for it, Sean.
Er, two from the top - and the rest from everywhere else, please.
- Thanks, Sean.
- Two large, four little.
- The Sean special.
- Exactly.
And they are 4, 1, 8, 2, 25 and 100.
And the target .
.
271.
And your time starts now.
OK, your target was 271.
Nish, I've never seen a man take anything more seriously.
I thought I had it! - And then I lost it.
- LAUGHTER Oh, I sometimes get that.
Have a cuddle, try again.
LAUGHTER I have got 275.
No, I've got it! I've done it! He's done it! He Hold on! LAUGHTER Ido not.
- Jon, have you got it? - No.
- Sean, did you get it? - Yes.
- OK.
Roisin? I got it, mate.
Move on.
LAUGHTER Roisin, how did you get it? And I want that turned up to seven before you even start explaining! LAUGHTER - Seven's probably going to not be a good thing.
- OK.
That's so painful! OK, what I did was 2 x 100 = 200 and - ROISIN LAUGHS - Are you sure you did that? Did I not do that? - That's what it says there.
It says "2 x 100".
- No-one likes a grass! LAUGHTER Sean, if you're leaning over - and pressing things.
- Go on, you monster! He's - Agh! - LAUGHTER - Agh! - You said, "Go on, you monster!" I haven't got it, Rach, I don't think.
- LAUGHTER - SEAN: She has! - 2 x 100 = 200 - OK.
Then you've got 4 x 25 and then another 100.
That's 300.
And then take awaythe rest.
LAUGHTER - Take away all the other numbers? - Yeah, take away 28 - 2 and 8.
- Just make 'em be together! - LAUGHTER - I haven't got it.
I haven't got it.
- Sorry, Rach.
- I've got it! Yes! I know it's outside the remit of the game, but that was a personal victory for me! LAUGHTER Sean, how did you do it? - 1 + 2 = 3 - Yeah.
- 3 x 100 - 300 300 - 25 - 4.
Well done.
NISH: That's what I did the second time.
OK, so, Jon and Nish have 6, Sean and Roisin have 16! OK, time to go to Dictionary Corner.
Adam, what have you got for us? It's time for Commentary Corner, Jimmy.
It's kind of a sombre Commentary Corner, cos this is a David Bowie Commentary Corner.
I was absolutely gutted when Bowie died earlier this year.
I was a fan since I was about ten or something and, since he died, I've spent more than the usual amount of time on YouTube, where, of course, his incredibly varied career is archived and, this morning in fact, I was looking at the very first Bowie video that I remember seeing on TV in 1983, for Let's Dance.
I'll call it up on my search history here.
I was looking at it earlier on.
- LAUGHTER - Erwhere is it? There's been a lot of Bowie viewing the last OK, here we go.
- Here's a clip of, er - # Let's dance! # - .
.
Let's Dance.
This is directed by David Mallet.
- # Let's Dance - For fear tonight is all Let's Sway Bowie said that that video was a LIKE BOWIE: ".
.
a very simple, very direct statement "against racism and oppression.
" Um, that's what David Bowie thought.
But what did the YouTube community - have to say about it? - LAUGHTER Here's a cross section of some of the genuine comments left by the YouTubers that I was looking at, beginning with one from LucioAmo, who says LAUGHTER - "Ha-ha!" - LAUGHTER And it is very moving, isn't it, when you see a guy pulling some shit? LAUGHTER Here's a comment from discodan, the 71st of the proud - LAUGHTER - .
.
discodan clan! He says, er I mean, they were wonderful times.
I actually still enjoy myself playing kiss case - LAUGHTER - .
.
in the dark.
It really is exciting.
Dan Smyth has this contentious question to ask.
LAUGHTER Full stop after question mark.
LAUGHTER - So the homophilic community - LAUGHTER .
.
there's no need to start "sprueing venum" .
.
cos Dan's just asking.
Homelesshannah says "I'm so confident about that word, I'm going to put it in CAPS! "He's ELECTIC!" LAUGHTER It's always the "pigeonholding".
- It happened with Sting! - LAUGHTER Jrkunde makes this observation about the video.
HUGE LAUGHTER And finally, here's a comment from saki2877, who says Now, that can't be right, can it? I'm going to have to try this out! LAUGHTER Oh, my God! What's he got on?! Are you going to dance to David Bowie's Let's Dance? I'm going to try and prove to you it's not the worst song to dance to.
All right, here we go.
I just think that it is a sexy, sensual song and I think there's an obvious way to dance to it.
Let's Dance! - MUSIC STOPS - Like that.
- Oh, come on! CHEERING It's the best song to dance to! Wow! Adam Buxton, everyone! And here is your teaser.
The words are LONG TITS.
The clue is - just fit them in.
That's LONG TITS, just fit them in.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the tease - the words were LONG TITS, the clue was "just fit them in".
It was, of course, SLOTTING.
So, Sean and Roisin are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far but this one's just for Sean and Nish.
Nish, you pick the letters.
I'm going to turn this around.
I've got a very unbelievably positive feeling about this letters round.
- Can I have a vowel, please, Rachel? - You can.
- Strong start.
Can I have another vowel, please, Rachel? E Can I have another vowel, please, Rachel? I Has anyone ordered two at a time before? Only tossers.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Fair enough.
A consonant.
V Another consonant, please? R And another vowel.
O And another consonant.
S One more consonant.
N - One more vowel.
- And the last one E OK.
And your time starts now.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE GRUNTS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE CHORAL MUSIC LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE She's very strong! Ladies and gentlemen, rugby legend Martin Offiah and Mr Motivator! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I just came to check out the short shorts.
- I've got one of these for you.
- Erm What do you mean got one for me? I want that one back and I want it washed! Thanks very much.
Martin Offiah and Mr Motivator.
APPLAUSE Thanks, guys.
Really appreciate it.
Cheers.
- OK, Sean, what have you got? - I've only got fives, Jimmy.
- Fives.
I've got a seven, I'm not even playing.
- Nish.
- I think I've got an eight.
- OK.
What was your five? I've got RINSE, SNEER, VISOR, VEINS.
OK, what about you, Roisin? What's your seven? I know you're not playing VERSION Brilliant.
Well played.
- Thank you, Susie.
- APPLAUSE No points, but well done.
APPLAUSE Let's just check out the eight then, Nish.
This is a huge moment.
Well, I think this is the equivalent of goal hanging on Countdown because it's AVERSION.
- ROISIN: Oh, God! - APPLAUSE I am the Gary Lineker of Countdown! Eight points for Nish! APPLAUSE Come on! OK.
Erm, Adam and Susie, could they have done any better than AVERSION? - I don't think so.
No.
AVERSION, eight.
OVARIES, seven.
- OK.
At the end of that, Jon and Nish have 14, Sean and Roisin have 16, so all very close.
APPLAUSE Now it's time for Jon and Roisin to go head-to-head in the numbers.
Ah.
I mean, shall we bother doing this? Ten points to Jon! LAUGHTER Let's go through the motions.
OK.
So, Roisin, you're to pick the numbers.
- May I have two from the top? - You may.
- And four from anywhere else.
- So, four little ones.
- Four little ones.
- Coming up, Roisin.
And this time your four little ones are 2, 3 6, 5 And the big ones - 75 and 50.
- And you can do it.
- Thank you.
- 878.
I don't think she can! And your time starts now.
- Jon, did you get it? - I think so, yes.
Roisin, did you? Did you? Erm How are you? LAUGHTER How are you? I'm struggling a bit here, actually.
Strangely enough this has not been No.
Do you know what I find helps? - If you're having a bit of a struggle with the numbers? - Go on.
- A massive electric shock.
- OK.
I said I'd do it.
I'll do it.
- What is it? What's it on? - I'm on the highest it's been on! Sorry.
So high.
- OK.
So, Jon, how did you do it? 5 x 2 = 10 + 6 = 16 x 50 = 800 + 75 + 3 - 878, well done.
- APPLAUSE It's good.
OK, so, Sean and Roisin have 16 points.
Jon and Nish now have 24.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are FREE DUMP and the clue is "smells beautiful".
That's FREE DUMP "smells beautiful".
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the tease - the words were FREE DUMP, the clue was "smells beautiful".
It was, of course, PERFUMED.
- Sean, before we go on, have you got anything else to refresh the British holiday experience? - Yes.
- I've got my own vinegar.
- LAUGHTER - OK, tell us more.
- It's 100 times stronger than normal vinegar.
What you gain from this is you save on sun cream.
Cos it's so strong that you spend your whole time like And you can't get sunburnt on your face, it's so scrunched up.
And you can put a bit of that in the water supply and you can wipe out a whole town.
- Are you going to have a nip of that or not? - Yeah, I can, if you want.
- Oh! It is vinegar! - LAUGHTER Well, I always wondered what Sean's happy face looked like.
I think we've all just been treated to it.
Ah.
So it's pretty strong.
A lot of British beaches, particularly Skegness, very windy.
It's bracing, Skegness.
So I've updated the windbreak and it's an app.
It's just an app and you switch it on and it operates as a windbreak.
- How does that work? - I'll show you.
I'll turn it off now.
WIND HOWLS - Yeah, I can definitely feel some wind.
- You feel that wind? - That was the app.
- Well, turn it back on.
- That's an app.
- Yeah.
APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Jon and Nish, your turn to choose the letters.
- I'd like a consonant, please.
- You can have A vowel, please.
And a consonant, please.
And another consonant.
Vowel, please.
Consonant, please.
Vowel, please.
Consonant, please.
And a vowel, please.
And the last one.
OK, your time starts now.
- Nish, how many have you got? - I have got - IN HIGH VOICE: Fuck all.
- LAUGHTER Absolutely fuck all.
Sorry.
- You're literally hanging your head in shame.
- Yes, Jimmy.
- OK, fine.
Jon.
- Six.
- Six.
Well, that is better than fuck all.
- Roisin.
- Five.
- Five, OK.
- Sean.
- 11.
- What did you actually get? - I got 11! - And I'm going to use it.
- OK.
Roisin, what did you get? HURTLE Hurtle.
Pretty good word.
- Six, not five.
- LAUGHTER You can't take that away from her.
You've never been strong with those numbers, have you? You got a six.
- Yes, I did.
- What are you like with money? - Do you get it all wrong and end up with nothing? - No! Yeah.
OK, Jon, let's have your six.
Well, after the EU referendum, of course, there was the famous moment that Reading decided to leave Britain and that was of course REAXIT.
- R-E-A-X-I-T.
- Reaxit.
Reading's plan to leave Europe.
And the world.
Become a principality, headed up by Chris Tarrant.
- Is Reaxit in the dictionary? - Not yet, no.
I'm liking this new Susie.
You didn't even bother looking.
Susie, could you make a call? Like, if you wanted something in the dictionary, surely you could phone someone and be like Or just get a pen out and write it in.
- OK, Sean, tell us your 11.
- My 11 is You know you get those really, really, really hardline hippies and they want you to follow the hippy lifestyle and they want you to lie around on cushions and just get into it, man? I like to call these people "relaxHitlers".
- You're a bit of a relaxHitler.
- Yeah.
- You're just really forcing everyone, just going on and on about relaxing all the time.
- You're being a relaxHitler.
- OK, Roisin, you got a six-letter word.
- Yes.
- You got the points.
- I got the points.
- Roisin Conaty, everyone.
Roisin Conaty.
APPLAUSE OK.
Adam, could they have done any better? - Yes.
There was a seven.
They could have had HAULIER.
- OK.
So, at the end of that, Sean and Roisin have 22.
Jon and Nish are in the lead with 24.
Just ahead.
OK.
Time to go across to Dictionary Corner one last time.
- Adam, what have you got for us? - Now, Jimmy, I love music.
My favourite kind of music is great music.
That's why I love these guys.
- It's The Beach Boys.
- The sea's been rough, hasn't it? They are one of the genuine living legends in the world of pop.
I love The Beach Boys.
I get very excited at the whiff of a Beach Boy.
And so I was excited when the BBC, that's the Big British Castle LAUGHTER .
.
went and plundered a classic Beach Boys tune, God Only Knows, in order to trumpet their greatness for the music department.
And they made a promo.
It was like an amazing tribute featuring pretty much every big name in the world of music and the architect of that song himself, Brine Wilsongs .
.
was in the promo right at the end, singing the final line.
But I was very upset to see that a lot of people were carping online about his voice and "he's too old to be doing this" and "they've autotuned his voice and double-tracked it" and I thought that was well disrespectful to one of the real, genuine living legends of pop and I thought, OK, I'm going to dig out a clip of the Beach Boys playing on TV not so long ago on Later With Jools and they were singing a classic Beach Boys song, Barbara Ann.
And I just wanted to play it in to show they've still got it.
There was a slight problem with the audio on the clip so I've tweaked it ever so slightly but you should get the idea.
SILLY VOICES: # Bah bah bah bah Barbara Ann # Bah bah bah bah Barbara Ann # Bah bah bah bah Barbara Ann # Bah bah bah bah Barbara Ann # Oh, Barbara Ann # Rockin' and a rollin' # Rockin' and a reelin' Barbara Ann # Bah bah bah bah Barbara Ann HE HUMS TUNELESSLY DISCORDANT PIANO - # Barbara Ann - Oh, Barbara Ann # Bah bah bah bah Barbara Ann # Barbara Ann # You got me rockin' and a rollin' # Rockin' and a reelin' Barbara Ann # Bah bah bah bah Barbara Ann Doo, doo, doo, bop! - There you go.
They've still got it! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Buxton.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are GROSS LAY, the clue is "Susie loves it".
That's GROSS LAY, "Susie loves it".
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were GROSS LAY and the clue was "Susie loves it".
It was of course GLOSSARY.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean and Roisin, your turn to choose the letters.
- May I have a vowel, please? - You may.
Thank you, Roisin.
Consonant, please.
Another consonant.
Another vowel, please.
How many vowels shall I do? Consonant, please.
Consonant, please.
Vowel, please.
Consonant, please.
- And a vowel, please.
- And the last one.
And your time starts now.
TIME UP JINGLE I've made everyone drinks cos it's the end of the show.
Delicious.
- Right.
Jon, how many have you got? - Eight.
- Thank you.
- Eight.
- Eight, yes.
- What? Really? - Yeah.
- Nish, how many have you got? - Gentleman's five.
- OK.
Sean, how many have you got? - Erm Hm Oh, my God.
- That's amazing.
- What have you got? I've got an espresso martini that would wake the dead.
- Tastes like my vinegar.
- Swap it with Jon.
- What's yours? - Mojito or some shit.
- Mine's really good.
What's mine? - Cheers.
Yours is alcohol, and you love alcohol, Roisin.
- Anyway, I've got a seven, Jimmy.
- Roisin, what did you get? - Five.
- Urgh.
- Let's hear your five.
- IMAGE.
- OK.
Image, pretty good.
- Nish, what's your five? - REIGN.
R-E-I-G-N.
Not the longest word, but it is fancy.
It does look like Rachel has come out in favour of a former Chinese communist leader.
- Sean.
- Mine is ROAMING.
- OK.
Jon.
- It's DREAMING, my eight.
- Oh! Of course.
Dreaming! Eight points to Jon.
I mean, come on! Jon Richardson! - Adam, Susie, could they have done any better? - No.
Susie had DREAMING.
- And MANGIER, for seven as well.
- OK.
So the scores are 22 to 32.
So if Roisin and Sean get this, it's a draw.
Everything to play for.
It's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
BUZZER - ROISIN: No way! - PORNMAGIC! - LAUGHTER I mean, it's a very good answer.
But it's not right.
I'm going to restart the clock.
They can't have another go.
- No, don't.
You'll put us off.
- # La, la, la, la! # Garlic's in there.
Garlic porn Roisin has just said, "Garlic's in there.
" I mean No, that's not fair cos he's putting me off.
I can't think.
- BUZZER Yes, Sean.
- Speak slowly.
Fuck! Is itsomething beginning Did you prefer my drink to yours? - Yeah.
- If I was comparing the two I'd say that I preferred mine to his.
If you were comparing the two you'd say you preferred your one? Yeah, I think so.
But you'd have to be comparing the two - LAUGHTER - Are you giving us a clue? We're saying the word a lot, if that's a clue then yeah.
- Is it COMPARE? - No! - No, it isn't, no.
- Is it mojito? - Is it mojito? - Let's have a look, shall we? It was COMPARING.
So, the final scores are - Sean and Roisin have 22, but tonight's winners with 32 points, Jon and Nish! APPLAUSE Congratulations.
You're now the proud owners of this - the Countdown ice cream bike! You can get up and have an ice cream if you want.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE
Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, in Danish, Lego literally translates as "play well"? Lego is so versatile.
It doesn't matter whether you want to tread on something painful, get something lodged up a child's nose or choke a pet to death, Lego has the perfect brick for you.
A moment was originally defined as one 40th of an hour, or 90 seconds.
It can be used in phrases such as, "Would you like to have sex with me? "It'll only take a moment.
" SHE MOUTHS LAUGHTER And the expression "born with a silver spoon in his mouth" means being born into a rich family.
Whilst the expression "born with a silver spoon in one hand "and a lighter in the other" means born in Glasgow.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's teams.
First up, it's Sean Lock.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Sean Lock.
If he was any more of an angry bear, he'd have two Russian peasants standing either side of him trying to make him dance.
And joining Sean tonight, it's Roisin Conaty.
I'm not saying Roisin is terrible at Countdown, but the longest word she's ever come up with on this show is DRONE.
Might not seem that bad, but unfortunately, that was in the numbers round.
- Thanks for having me! - LAUGHTER Up against them this evening, it's Jon Richardson.
Jon Richardson is a real man of the people, and those people are the ones that wear cardigans and don't have any friends.
HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY Yeah, that told me(!) And Jon's team-mate, Nish Kumar.
Very happy to have Nish here.
Can't believe our luck.
Nish once went to see the film Shame with his dad, but said the graphic sex made it very awkward.
Everyone in the cinema asked them to stop.
LAUGHTER Hi, Dad! OK, Sean, what's your morning routine? Well, I get up.
I put all the light bulbs back in.
LAUGHTER Cos the lockdown's over.
Put the power on.
Get the remotes out of the safe.
Turn the stopcock back on so we've got water.
- Stopcock? - Yeah, the stopcock.
- I know what a stop clock is.
- A stopcock.
LAUGHTER You know in your house, there's a tap under a cupboard somewhere? - And it's called a stopcock? - Yeah.
- No, it's not! - It stops the water LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH Roisin has never used the words stop and cock in the same sentence.
Never.
Is it? OK.
- What is a stop clock? - Stop clock? STOP clock! - Who's heard of stop clock? - SILENCE - Guys? - LAUGHTER Who's heard of stopcock? - CHEERING - Oh, they just all love Sean.
No, actually, there's a block booking of plumbers in.
Did I ruin your itinerary? You were up to the stopcock.
Was there any more that you had to say? No, it was just the fact that I shut my house down when I go to bed.
Nobody's allowed to use any of the facilities in the home until I wake again.
But, you know, just because you don't understand some basic words.
That we all use.
I'm frightened of using the word "the" now.
Roisin, you recently tweeted that you walk like a bear pretending to be a human.
What are you talking about? I watched a thing that I was on and I don't use my arms when I walk.
How do you get through doors? Like a bear going through a door.
No, I was watching a thing I worked on, a travel show, and I was walking in Berlin and I was going LAUGHTER And I thought, "If I just use my arms, "it'd look like a lot less effort.
" But I just - Do you watch yourself on telly? - No.
This time, I did.
I thought I was on safe ground.
I thought, "It's just Berlin, innit?" - Then I found out I was a bear! - LAUGHTER It's really upsetting, but you know, it's another little sexy thing.
You like bears? You'll like me! OK.
Jon, if you could rid the world of any one thing, what would it be? Oh, it's tricky, isn't it? Cos there are so many problems in the world.
Obviously, you want to pick something that would make the world a better place, but then, also, you have your own selfish desires.
I guess, if it were up to me, it would be sweet potato fries.
- LAUGHTER - ROISIN: I think that's fair! I just think they can really fuck off! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - ROISIN: I've never felt more passionate! - Who wants ironic chips? Who looked at any item on any menu and thought, "We should really spruce up chips"? Chips were absolutely fine.
They were the best thing.
Whatever's next to chips, I only eat, so I can have chips.
That's basically it.
And then somebody went, "Why don't we make them taste like pudding?" So yeah, that or, like, poverty.
LAUGHTER - What about you, Sean? - Um, I've had them a couple of times.
Once, I thought, "Oh, these are quite nice.
" Another time I was probably a bit full from something I'd had earlier.
I'm absolutely furious about this! Sweet potato? I cannot think of a cause I feel more strongly about than sweet potato fries being delicious.
This has caused a real fault line in our team, Jon! Yeah, well, you're wrong.
- OK, Nish? - Hello.
- First time on the show.
Are you going to be better on - the numbers or the letters? - I think it's going to be, er, letters.
I think I'm a man of words, cos I've spent half of my time - at university studying English.
- What did you do the other half? I was captain of the school's kissing team! LAUGHTER Captain of the school's kissing team? Done a lot of practice at home with your dad, I would imagine? Do you think cavemen used to kiss? ROISIN: Yeah, they kissed! But they were disgusting and ugly and covered in hair! - But everyone was! - Whoa, hold on, Sean! LAUGHTER Know your audience! You seem to have a very hard view of the cavemen.
Well, they can't come back at you, can they? It's one of the few groups you can take the piss out of these days.
I don't want to give away your tactic of how good I think you're going to be at this game, Nish, but I noticed that, on your piece of paper there, you've written, "Nish Kumar, Countdown.
" And that leads me to believe you are as prepared as - any team-mate I've ever had.
- LAUGHTER - I am 100% ready to go! - Yeah.
OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? Well, it's an Olympic year, Jimmy, and I noticed, at the start of the Olympics, they always do, like, an Opening Ceremony, and it's occurred to me that we never do any such thing.
So I've put the wheels in motion and I've organised, to celebrate the opening of this episode of Countdown, a little, um, torch, which lights fireworks, obviously.
This torch has been passed - in honour of Countdown - from towns from Aberdeen to Yeovil, cos there's nowhere that starts with Z.
Um, this lighter has been used to light a cigarette outside - an A&E unit in all these towns.
- LAUGHTER So can we dim the lights? I think the lighter is concluding its journey now.
- Ah! - If we just pass that along the line, Jimmy.
- Sure.
- Yeah, there we go, pass that to Nish.
- Nish.
- Thank you.
It's exciting, isn't it? And then, on here, I have an indoor firework on a paving slab.
LOUD THUD And if we can get some music to really make this feel MUSIC: Pomp and Circumstance March 1 (Land of Hope and Glory) by Elgar - Ah! - LAUGHTER Here we go.
Stand back, everyone.
We should all be wearing goggles.
LAUGHTER This is Britain! Tea! Chips that aren't orange! - Light, you motherf.
.
! - HUGE LAUGHTER Oh, here we go.
CHEERING APPLAUSE ROISIN: Eugh, it's like a turd! It just sort of turns into a big turd.
LAUGHTER SLAB THUDS - Um, Nish, have you got a mascot? - I do.
And it's this.
It's a trophy that I won when I was 11 years old, from Addiscombe Colts Cricket Club.
Every year, they give out awards that were pretty self-explanatory - Batsman Of The Year, Bowler Of The Year, Player Of The Year.
This is none of those.
This is actually an award called Clubman Of The Year, an award which I subsequently found out was presented on the criteria of the boy who'd shown the most enthusiasm in the face of, and I quote, "an overwhelming lack of ability".
- LAUGHTER - So I'm hoping it's going to get me through tonight.
Well, it's a wonderful thing.
OK, Roisin, have you got a mascot? Yes, I have.
So I've done the show a few times and, normally, I bring in mascots that sort of try and inspire me or make me feel empowered, but they've never worked, so now I'm doing a bit of tough love.
And what I've brought in is an electric shock device.
- LAUGHTER - Basically, I want to try and bully myself into being better at Countdown.
- SEAN: Where are you going to attach them? - On my back.
- I think Sean should be in charge, or - Are you out of your mind?! - He'll kill me for hijinks! - LAUGHTER OK That's just not nice.
- OK.
- Agh! Immediately, I don't like it! Where are they selling this personalised electric shock equipment? I mean, where can you buy them? LAUGHTER It's really hot! - Do you want a go? - Er, yeah.
I think it's a trust exercise.
There you go.
Don't go mad.
Easy, it's on my back! SHE GASPS THEN SQUEALS, LAUGHTER - You fucking monster! - What? Agh! You sod! Ah! It's really horrible on your hand! It's too much! HUGE LAUGHTER - OK, Sean, have you got a mascot? - Oh, yes, Jimmy, I have.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I've been looking at the seaside experience.
It's high time we, er, did a bit of updating, played around with a very traditional experience, which has become a bit tired.
For example, the sandcastle bucket, right? So I've come up with, er, with a few new ones.
There's this one here.
That is Oprah Winfrey on a camel.
LAUGHTER Leave that there.
But you don't need to do the hours of And there's this one here.
This is Simon Cowell as a mermaid.
HUGE LAUGHTER And you can see how high up the fish bit goes, right up to Basically, the idea is, Jimmy, you know those sand buskers? I want to do for them what Uber did to the cab driver.
I just want to wipe 'em out! Just with buckets.
- So that's my mascot idea.
- I like it.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Adam Buxton! Adam Buxton and I have something in common.
We're both internet pioneers.
He was one of the first people to have his own YouTube channel and I was one of the first people to reply to an e-mail regarding a penis extension.
- LAUGHTER - Which I sent.
Made a lot of money out of those penis extension That business.
How do the penis extensions actually work? Well, you just measure it from further back.
LAUGHTER Adam, what have you been up to since we last had you on the show? - What have you been up to? - Well, the best thing for me last year was that I got a job - .
.
and, um - LAUGHTER It was at the local pub and they have a problem with fairly slippery floors there.
So I got the gig of being the guy that checks the "slipposity" of the pub floors.
This is me actually at work.
LAUGHTER 'You've got to be careful! Oh, watch out!' Adam Buxton! I mean! And with Adam, of course, it's Susie Dent! CHEERING Susie has a regular slot on Countdown called Origins Of Words, in which she explains the derivations of words and phrases that no-one gives a shit about! LAUGHTER Susie, you recently said you hate the term "get a room".
What's so bad about that phrase? I haven't been on Twitter for long, but if I talk to a bloke on Twitter, so Richard Osman is a classic example.
If Richard and I ever get into some kind of Twitter exchange, it takes about 90 seconds before someone says, "Get a room.
" It doesn't matter what we're talking about and it just drives me nuts! - Do you ever get this? - Er, no, no-one wants me to get a room.
LAUGHTER Are you saying sexy things to Richard? - We are not saying sexy things at all.
- He's a sexy man.
He is a sexy man.
I think it's cos we both operate laptops and are quite geeky and sit in the Corner.
- I think people - Get a room! - LAUGHTER And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! APPLAUSE Rachel is like a film star.
Unfortunately, that film is Rain Man.
LAUGHTER I thought it was going to be a dancing joke.
I'll take Rain Man, that's fine.
She's also shit at dancing! SHE LAUGHS Rachel, Nish is new to Countdown.
What advice would you give him? Well, it's a British institution, 34 years old, in the Guinness Book Of Records, the Queen watches, the nation watches, so I just say Don't cock it up! LAUGHTER Failing that, I'd just go probably one better than Roisin - and you'll probably be all right.
- Rachel! - Rachel! - No OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown Ice Cream Bike! CHEERING OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game of the evening.
Jon and Nish, you get the first pick of the letters.
Go on, Nish! - Er, Rachel, please may I have a vowel? - Thank you, Nish.
E And a consonant.
And a vowel.
U And a consonant.
F And a consonant.
M And a consonant.
D And a vowel.
O Another vowel.
I - And one more consonant.
- And the last one - L - OK, for the first time tonight, here's the Countdown clock.
MUSIC PLAYS LAUGHTER Go on, fuck off! Go on! CHEERING Vermin! The only language they understand.
LAUGHTER - Sean, how many letters? - Six.
- Roisin? - Five.
- Jon? - Well, I think I've got an eight, but I've said it so many times now in my head, - I've convinced myself it's not a word.
- Oh, I'm excited.
- OK, Nish? - I've got a six.
- OK, Roisin, what have you got? DONUT.
LAUGHTER Susie? It's the US spelling, but I might just overlook that fact, - cos it is in the dictionary.
- OK.
Sean, what's your six? Um LAUGHTER - TOILED.
- TOILED - good word.
- Nish, what's your six? Mine is, er, FONDLE.
LAUGHTER I think Rachel has a message for us.
Um, Jon? It's pretty exciting.
It's an eight? Well, I'm now convinced this isn't a word.
I've got FLOUNTED, but I think I mean FLAUNTED - SUSIE: Yeah.
- .
.
and I think I say, "You flounted it.
" - That's what I've done.
- Yeah, you've flouted the rules and flaunted it.
- That's a shame.
- Well, six points each, then.
Susie, could they have done any better? Well, it was immediately obvious to me that there was eight.
- OUTLINED.
- Oh! - OUTLINED? There was LENTOID, for seven - the shape of a lens.
And that was staring everyone in the face! LAUGHTER OK, so, at the end of that, both teams have six points! On to our first numbers round.
OK, Sean and Roisin, your turn to - pick the numbers.
- Go for it, Sean.
Er, two from the top - and the rest from everywhere else, please.
- Thanks, Sean.
- Two large, four little.
- The Sean special.
- Exactly.
And they are 4, 1, 8, 2, 25 and 100.
And the target .
.
271.
And your time starts now.
OK, your target was 271.
Nish, I've never seen a man take anything more seriously.
I thought I had it! - And then I lost it.
- LAUGHTER Oh, I sometimes get that.
Have a cuddle, try again.
LAUGHTER I have got 275.
No, I've got it! I've done it! He's done it! He Hold on! LAUGHTER Ido not.
- Jon, have you got it? - No.
- Sean, did you get it? - Yes.
- OK.
Roisin? I got it, mate.
Move on.
LAUGHTER Roisin, how did you get it? And I want that turned up to seven before you even start explaining! LAUGHTER - Seven's probably going to not be a good thing.
- OK.
That's so painful! OK, what I did was 2 x 100 = 200 and - ROISIN LAUGHS - Are you sure you did that? Did I not do that? - That's what it says there.
It says "2 x 100".
- No-one likes a grass! LAUGHTER Sean, if you're leaning over - and pressing things.
- Go on, you monster! He's - Agh! - LAUGHTER - Agh! - You said, "Go on, you monster!" I haven't got it, Rach, I don't think.
- LAUGHTER - SEAN: She has! - 2 x 100 = 200 - OK.
Then you've got 4 x 25 and then another 100.
That's 300.
And then take awaythe rest.
LAUGHTER - Take away all the other numbers? - Yeah, take away 28 - 2 and 8.
- Just make 'em be together! - LAUGHTER - I haven't got it.
I haven't got it.
- Sorry, Rach.
- I've got it! Yes! I know it's outside the remit of the game, but that was a personal victory for me! LAUGHTER Sean, how did you do it? - 1 + 2 = 3 - Yeah.
- 3 x 100 - 300 300 - 25 - 4.
Well done.
NISH: That's what I did the second time.
OK, so, Jon and Nish have 6, Sean and Roisin have 16! OK, time to go to Dictionary Corner.
Adam, what have you got for us? It's time for Commentary Corner, Jimmy.
It's kind of a sombre Commentary Corner, cos this is a David Bowie Commentary Corner.
I was absolutely gutted when Bowie died earlier this year.
I was a fan since I was about ten or something and, since he died, I've spent more than the usual amount of time on YouTube, where, of course, his incredibly varied career is archived and, this morning in fact, I was looking at the very first Bowie video that I remember seeing on TV in 1983, for Let's Dance.
I'll call it up on my search history here.
I was looking at it earlier on.
- LAUGHTER - Erwhere is it? There's been a lot of Bowie viewing the last OK, here we go.
- Here's a clip of, er - # Let's dance! # - .
.
Let's Dance.
This is directed by David Mallet.
- # Let's Dance - For fear tonight is all Let's Sway Bowie said that that video was a LIKE BOWIE: ".
.
a very simple, very direct statement "against racism and oppression.
" Um, that's what David Bowie thought.
But what did the YouTube community - have to say about it? - LAUGHTER Here's a cross section of some of the genuine comments left by the YouTubers that I was looking at, beginning with one from LucioAmo, who says LAUGHTER - "Ha-ha!" - LAUGHTER And it is very moving, isn't it, when you see a guy pulling some shit? LAUGHTER Here's a comment from discodan, the 71st of the proud - LAUGHTER - .
.
discodan clan! He says, er I mean, they were wonderful times.
I actually still enjoy myself playing kiss case - LAUGHTER - .
.
in the dark.
It really is exciting.
Dan Smyth has this contentious question to ask.
LAUGHTER Full stop after question mark.
LAUGHTER - So the homophilic community - LAUGHTER .
.
there's no need to start "sprueing venum" .
.
cos Dan's just asking.
Homelesshannah says "I'm so confident about that word, I'm going to put it in CAPS! "He's ELECTIC!" LAUGHTER It's always the "pigeonholding".
- It happened with Sting! - LAUGHTER Jrkunde makes this observation about the video.
HUGE LAUGHTER And finally, here's a comment from saki2877, who says Now, that can't be right, can it? I'm going to have to try this out! LAUGHTER Oh, my God! What's he got on?! Are you going to dance to David Bowie's Let's Dance? I'm going to try and prove to you it's not the worst song to dance to.
All right, here we go.
I just think that it is a sexy, sensual song and I think there's an obvious way to dance to it.
Let's Dance! - MUSIC STOPS - Like that.
- Oh, come on! CHEERING It's the best song to dance to! Wow! Adam Buxton, everyone! And here is your teaser.
The words are LONG TITS.
The clue is - just fit them in.
That's LONG TITS, just fit them in.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the tease - the words were LONG TITS, the clue was "just fit them in".
It was, of course, SLOTTING.
So, Sean and Roisin are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far but this one's just for Sean and Nish.
Nish, you pick the letters.
I'm going to turn this around.
I've got a very unbelievably positive feeling about this letters round.
- Can I have a vowel, please, Rachel? - You can.
- Strong start.
Can I have another vowel, please, Rachel? E Can I have another vowel, please, Rachel? I Has anyone ordered two at a time before? Only tossers.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Fair enough.
A consonant.
V Another consonant, please? R And another vowel.
O And another consonant.
S One more consonant.
N - One more vowel.
- And the last one E OK.
And your time starts now.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE GRUNTS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE CHORAL MUSIC LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE She's very strong! Ladies and gentlemen, rugby legend Martin Offiah and Mr Motivator! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I just came to check out the short shorts.
- I've got one of these for you.
- Erm What do you mean got one for me? I want that one back and I want it washed! Thanks very much.
Martin Offiah and Mr Motivator.
APPLAUSE Thanks, guys.
Really appreciate it.
Cheers.
- OK, Sean, what have you got? - I've only got fives, Jimmy.
- Fives.
I've got a seven, I'm not even playing.
- Nish.
- I think I've got an eight.
- OK.
What was your five? I've got RINSE, SNEER, VISOR, VEINS.
OK, what about you, Roisin? What's your seven? I know you're not playing VERSION Brilliant.
Well played.
- Thank you, Susie.
- APPLAUSE No points, but well done.
APPLAUSE Let's just check out the eight then, Nish.
This is a huge moment.
Well, I think this is the equivalent of goal hanging on Countdown because it's AVERSION.
- ROISIN: Oh, God! - APPLAUSE I am the Gary Lineker of Countdown! Eight points for Nish! APPLAUSE Come on! OK.
Erm, Adam and Susie, could they have done any better than AVERSION? - I don't think so.
No.
AVERSION, eight.
OVARIES, seven.
- OK.
At the end of that, Jon and Nish have 14, Sean and Roisin have 16, so all very close.
APPLAUSE Now it's time for Jon and Roisin to go head-to-head in the numbers.
Ah.
I mean, shall we bother doing this? Ten points to Jon! LAUGHTER Let's go through the motions.
OK.
So, Roisin, you're to pick the numbers.
- May I have two from the top? - You may.
- And four from anywhere else.
- So, four little ones.
- Four little ones.
- Coming up, Roisin.
And this time your four little ones are 2, 3 6, 5 And the big ones - 75 and 50.
- And you can do it.
- Thank you.
- 878.
I don't think she can! And your time starts now.
- Jon, did you get it? - I think so, yes.
Roisin, did you? Did you? Erm How are you? LAUGHTER How are you? I'm struggling a bit here, actually.
Strangely enough this has not been No.
Do you know what I find helps? - If you're having a bit of a struggle with the numbers? - Go on.
- A massive electric shock.
- OK.
I said I'd do it.
I'll do it.
- What is it? What's it on? - I'm on the highest it's been on! Sorry.
So high.
- OK.
So, Jon, how did you do it? 5 x 2 = 10 + 6 = 16 x 50 = 800 + 75 + 3 - 878, well done.
- APPLAUSE It's good.
OK, so, Sean and Roisin have 16 points.
Jon and Nish now have 24.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are FREE DUMP and the clue is "smells beautiful".
That's FREE DUMP "smells beautiful".
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the tease - the words were FREE DUMP, the clue was "smells beautiful".
It was, of course, PERFUMED.
- Sean, before we go on, have you got anything else to refresh the British holiday experience? - Yes.
- I've got my own vinegar.
- LAUGHTER - OK, tell us more.
- It's 100 times stronger than normal vinegar.
What you gain from this is you save on sun cream.
Cos it's so strong that you spend your whole time like And you can't get sunburnt on your face, it's so scrunched up.
And you can put a bit of that in the water supply and you can wipe out a whole town.
- Are you going to have a nip of that or not? - Yeah, I can, if you want.
- Oh! It is vinegar! - LAUGHTER Well, I always wondered what Sean's happy face looked like.
I think we've all just been treated to it.
Ah.
So it's pretty strong.
A lot of British beaches, particularly Skegness, very windy.
It's bracing, Skegness.
So I've updated the windbreak and it's an app.
It's just an app and you switch it on and it operates as a windbreak.
- How does that work? - I'll show you.
I'll turn it off now.
WIND HOWLS - Yeah, I can definitely feel some wind.
- You feel that wind? - That was the app.
- Well, turn it back on.
- That's an app.
- Yeah.
APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Jon and Nish, your turn to choose the letters.
- I'd like a consonant, please.
- You can have A vowel, please.
And a consonant, please.
And another consonant.
Vowel, please.
Consonant, please.
Vowel, please.
Consonant, please.
And a vowel, please.
And the last one.
OK, your time starts now.
- Nish, how many have you got? - I have got - IN HIGH VOICE: Fuck all.
- LAUGHTER Absolutely fuck all.
Sorry.
- You're literally hanging your head in shame.
- Yes, Jimmy.
- OK, fine.
Jon.
- Six.
- Six.
Well, that is better than fuck all.
- Roisin.
- Five.
- Five, OK.
- Sean.
- 11.
- What did you actually get? - I got 11! - And I'm going to use it.
- OK.
Roisin, what did you get? HURTLE Hurtle.
Pretty good word.
- Six, not five.
- LAUGHTER You can't take that away from her.
You've never been strong with those numbers, have you? You got a six.
- Yes, I did.
- What are you like with money? - Do you get it all wrong and end up with nothing? - No! Yeah.
OK, Jon, let's have your six.
Well, after the EU referendum, of course, there was the famous moment that Reading decided to leave Britain and that was of course REAXIT.
- R-E-A-X-I-T.
- Reaxit.
Reading's plan to leave Europe.
And the world.
Become a principality, headed up by Chris Tarrant.
- Is Reaxit in the dictionary? - Not yet, no.
I'm liking this new Susie.
You didn't even bother looking.
Susie, could you make a call? Like, if you wanted something in the dictionary, surely you could phone someone and be like Or just get a pen out and write it in.
- OK, Sean, tell us your 11.
- My 11 is You know you get those really, really, really hardline hippies and they want you to follow the hippy lifestyle and they want you to lie around on cushions and just get into it, man? I like to call these people "relaxHitlers".
- You're a bit of a relaxHitler.
- Yeah.
- You're just really forcing everyone, just going on and on about relaxing all the time.
- You're being a relaxHitler.
- OK, Roisin, you got a six-letter word.
- Yes.
- You got the points.
- I got the points.
- Roisin Conaty, everyone.
Roisin Conaty.
APPLAUSE OK.
Adam, could they have done any better? - Yes.
There was a seven.
They could have had HAULIER.
- OK.
So, at the end of that, Sean and Roisin have 22.
Jon and Nish are in the lead with 24.
Just ahead.
OK.
Time to go across to Dictionary Corner one last time.
- Adam, what have you got for us? - Now, Jimmy, I love music.
My favourite kind of music is great music.
That's why I love these guys.
- It's The Beach Boys.
- The sea's been rough, hasn't it? They are one of the genuine living legends in the world of pop.
I love The Beach Boys.
I get very excited at the whiff of a Beach Boy.
And so I was excited when the BBC, that's the Big British Castle LAUGHTER .
.
went and plundered a classic Beach Boys tune, God Only Knows, in order to trumpet their greatness for the music department.
And they made a promo.
It was like an amazing tribute featuring pretty much every big name in the world of music and the architect of that song himself, Brine Wilsongs .
.
was in the promo right at the end, singing the final line.
But I was very upset to see that a lot of people were carping online about his voice and "he's too old to be doing this" and "they've autotuned his voice and double-tracked it" and I thought that was well disrespectful to one of the real, genuine living legends of pop and I thought, OK, I'm going to dig out a clip of the Beach Boys playing on TV not so long ago on Later With Jools and they were singing a classic Beach Boys song, Barbara Ann.
And I just wanted to play it in to show they've still got it.
There was a slight problem with the audio on the clip so I've tweaked it ever so slightly but you should get the idea.
SILLY VOICES: # Bah bah bah bah Barbara Ann # Bah bah bah bah Barbara Ann # Bah bah bah bah Barbara Ann # Bah bah bah bah Barbara Ann # Oh, Barbara Ann # Rockin' and a rollin' # Rockin' and a reelin' Barbara Ann # Bah bah bah bah Barbara Ann HE HUMS TUNELESSLY DISCORDANT PIANO - # Barbara Ann - Oh, Barbara Ann # Bah bah bah bah Barbara Ann # Barbara Ann # You got me rockin' and a rollin' # Rockin' and a reelin' Barbara Ann # Bah bah bah bah Barbara Ann Doo, doo, doo, bop! - There you go.
They've still got it! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Buxton.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are GROSS LAY, the clue is "Susie loves it".
That's GROSS LAY, "Susie loves it".
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were GROSS LAY and the clue was "Susie loves it".
It was of course GLOSSARY.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean and Roisin, your turn to choose the letters.
- May I have a vowel, please? - You may.
Thank you, Roisin.
Consonant, please.
Another consonant.
Another vowel, please.
How many vowels shall I do? Consonant, please.
Consonant, please.
Vowel, please.
Consonant, please.
- And a vowel, please.
- And the last one.
And your time starts now.
TIME UP JINGLE I've made everyone drinks cos it's the end of the show.
Delicious.
- Right.
Jon, how many have you got? - Eight.
- Thank you.
- Eight.
- Eight, yes.
- What? Really? - Yeah.
- Nish, how many have you got? - Gentleman's five.
- OK.
Sean, how many have you got? - Erm Hm Oh, my God.
- That's amazing.
- What have you got? I've got an espresso martini that would wake the dead.
- Tastes like my vinegar.
- Swap it with Jon.
- What's yours? - Mojito or some shit.
- Mine's really good.
What's mine? - Cheers.
Yours is alcohol, and you love alcohol, Roisin.
- Anyway, I've got a seven, Jimmy.
- Roisin, what did you get? - Five.
- Urgh.
- Let's hear your five.
- IMAGE.
- OK.
Image, pretty good.
- Nish, what's your five? - REIGN.
R-E-I-G-N.
Not the longest word, but it is fancy.
It does look like Rachel has come out in favour of a former Chinese communist leader.
- Sean.
- Mine is ROAMING.
- OK.
Jon.
- It's DREAMING, my eight.
- Oh! Of course.
Dreaming! Eight points to Jon.
I mean, come on! Jon Richardson! - Adam, Susie, could they have done any better? - No.
Susie had DREAMING.
- And MANGIER, for seven as well.
- OK.
So the scores are 22 to 32.
So if Roisin and Sean get this, it's a draw.
Everything to play for.
It's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
BUZZER - ROISIN: No way! - PORNMAGIC! - LAUGHTER I mean, it's a very good answer.
But it's not right.
I'm going to restart the clock.
They can't have another go.
- No, don't.
You'll put us off.
- # La, la, la, la! # Garlic's in there.
Garlic porn Roisin has just said, "Garlic's in there.
" I mean No, that's not fair cos he's putting me off.
I can't think.
- BUZZER Yes, Sean.
- Speak slowly.
Fuck! Is itsomething beginning Did you prefer my drink to yours? - Yeah.
- If I was comparing the two I'd say that I preferred mine to his.
If you were comparing the two you'd say you preferred your one? Yeah, I think so.
But you'd have to be comparing the two - LAUGHTER - Are you giving us a clue? We're saying the word a lot, if that's a clue then yeah.
- Is it COMPARE? - No! - No, it isn't, no.
- Is it mojito? - Is it mojito? - Let's have a look, shall we? It was COMPARING.
So, the final scores are - Sean and Roisin have 22, but tonight's winners with 32 points, Jon and Nish! APPLAUSE Congratulations.
You're now the proud owners of this - the Countdown ice cream bike! You can get up and have an ice cream if you want.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE