According To Jim s08e02 Episode Script

1 WHAT THE HELL? YOU LOCKED OUT? NAH.
YOU WAITING ON A PIZZA? WOULD I BE UPSE IF I WAS WAITING ON A PIZZA? OH, GOD.
OH, GOD.
OH.
CHERYL THREW YOU OUT.
I KNEW IT WAS COMING.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN COME STAY WITH ME.
YEAH, I GOT A ROOM ALL SET UP.
BUT IF YOU BRING A LADY HOME, USE THE BACK DOOR.
CHERYL'S STILL MY SISTER.
WE DON'T WAN TO RUB HER FACE IN IT.
NO, THAT'S NOT WHY I'M OUT HERE.
I MISS DANA.
YOU AND DANA? I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.
OH.
DIDN'T YOU SEE THIS COMING? OW! OH! I DON'T MISS HER LIKE THAT.
OH! I MISS HER LIVING AROUND HERE.
EVER SINCE SHE AND RYAN MOVED TO L.
A.
, CHERYL DOESN'T HAVE ANYBODY TO UNLOAD HER GIRL TALK WITH.
OH.
(singsongy) SOMEONE'S GOT A NEW BEST GIRLFRIEND.
(stomp) (normal voice) AAH! OH! KNOCK IT OFF! YESTERDAY--YESTERDAY, I HAD TO TALK TO HER ABOUT TWO DIFFERENT SHADES OF LIPSTICK-- "TOAST OF NEW YORK" AND "SMOKY ROSE.
" AND GUESS WHICH ONE SHE BOUGHT.
WELL, GIVEN HER COMPLEXION, I'D GO WITH THE SMOKY-- NEITHER! HALF THE CONVERSATIONS WE HAVE ARE ABOU WHAT SHE COULD HAVE BOUGH BUT DIDN'T.
OH.
SO YOU SNEAK OUT HERE TO SAVOR A LITTLE PEACE AND QUIET.
EXACTLY OR FREEZE TO DEATH.
AND QUITE FRANKLY, IT'D BE A LOT QUICKER AND PAINLESS THAN TO LISTEN TO ONE OF CHERYL'S EPIC TALES.
WELL, HEY, BUDDY, I'M ALWAYS UP FOR A LITTLE PORCH TIME.
AND EVEN IF CHERYL FIGURES OUT YOU'RE HERE, I'LL JUST HANG AROUND.
SHE CAN CHEW MY EAR FOR A WHILE.
REALLY? WELL, SURE.
ANYTHING FOR MY BEST PORCH BUDDY.
(rings doorbell) ANDY.
(Cheryl) COMING! OH! NOW SHE'S GONNA FIND US.
UH, NOT US, YOU.
SEE YA, BUDDY.
COME HERE.
GET BACK HERE.
COME HERE.
ANDY! SO LONG STORY SHORT, I WAS FINALLY ABLE TO PARALLEL PARK, AND EVERYTHING TURNED OUT FINE.
THAT'S GREAT, CHERYL.
BUT ISN'T THAT REALLY LONG STORY LONG? OH.
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT GORDON POOPED TODAY.
OKAY, CHERYL, HIT ME.
WHAT DID GORDON POOP TODAY? WELL, YOU KNOW, HONESTLY, I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE THE COLOR.
TOASTY ROSE? SMOKE OF NEW YORK? YOU KNOW, LET'S GET BACK TO THAT.
DO YOU REMEMBER THOSE SNOWMAN DISHTOWELS I WANTED TO BUY, BUT I DIDN'T? I TRIED TO FORGET, BUT I COULDN'T.
YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S EASIER IF I SHOW YOU THE CATALOG.
HEY, DAD.
HEY, KYLE, COME HERE.
HEY! SON, THERE YOU ARE.
WHY DON'T YOU SIT ON DADDY'S LAP AND KEEP HIM COMPANY? NO WAY.
OH.
COME ON.
MOMMY'S TELLING STORIES.
YOU MARRIED HER.
SANTA IS GONNA REMEMBER THAT.
LET HIM LISTEN TO HER.
OKAY, I FOUND IT.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, HONEY.
SEE? BOTH DISHTOWELS MATCH THE TABLE RUNNER, BUT ONE HAS FRINGE AND ONE DOESN'T.
SO I'M STUCK.
YOU AND ME BOTH.
HEY.
HI.
OH, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.
HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE? WHO CARES? THEY'RE HERE.
OH! OH, I-I-I GOT YOUR MESSAGE, JIM.
WHAT'S THE BIG EMERGENCY? OH, WELL, IT'S A, YOU KNOW, WORK-RELATED THING, AND I DIDN'T WANT TO BORE CHERYL WITH THE DETAILS.
THEN WHY DID YOU HAVE ANDY BRING ME OVER? WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? I LOVE TO WATCH HIS FACE LIGHT UP WHENEVER YOU'RE AROUND.
OH, JIM, THAT IS SO SWEET.
YEAH.
OKAY.
SEEN IT.
BYE.
WORK IN THE KITCHEN.
ANDY, IN THE KITCHEN.
OH, UH, CHERYL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL EMILY ABOU THAT THING YOU WERE TELLING ME ABOUT THAT THING YOU WERE TELLING ME? SO--SO WHAT'S THE BIG EMERGENCY? OH, GOD.
IS THIS ABOU THE MONEY FROM THE GRUNYON JOB? I SWEAR I'LL REPAY EVERY CENT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? NOTHING.
UH, SO WHAT'S UP? ALL RIGHT.
I WANTED YOU AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO COME OVER HERE SO EMILY CAN SOAK UP SOME OF THE GIRL TALK FROM CHERYL.
I FIGURE SHE'S HAVING SEX WITH YOU, SO SHE ALREADY KNOWS WHAT BOREDOM IS.
HEY! I'M A VERY CREATIVE LOVER.
I DO VOICES AND AN EROTIC PUPPET SHOW.
ANDY, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, EMILY IS REPLACING DANA.
THEY'RE GONNA BE NEW BEST FRIENDS.
JIM, JIM, YOU CAN' JUST WAVE A MAGIC WAND AND FORCE TWO PEOPLE THA DON'T REALLY LIKE EACH OTHER TO BE BEST FRIENDS.
WHY NOT? CHERYL DID THAT WITH US.
BUT YOU LIKED ME.
OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
YOU WERE WAY MORE FUN THAN MY OLD BEST FRIEND, DANNY, WHO WAS A CROOKED COP, HAD CUBS SEASON TICKETS AND ACCESS TO THE EVIDENCE ROOM.
DANNY, HUH? DANNY, DANNY, DANNY.
WAIT.
WHAT--WHAT? I HATE DANNY.
WHAT YOU HATE HIM FOR? HE'S A GOOD GUY.
OH, REALLY? YEAH.
DOES HE HAVE A-A GUEST ROOM WAITING FOR YOU WITH A COLD BEER AND A FREE PUPPET SHOW? (clears throat) NO.
NO.
BUT I DID HAVE MY OWN BUNK AT HIS RIVERBOAT STRIP CLUB.
DAMN IT! COME ON.
LOOK IT.
THE POINT IS THAT THE REASON WE'RE BEST FRIENDS IS BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE AROUND.
AND IF EMILY HANGS OU WITH CHERYL BECAUSE YOU'RE HANGING OUT WITH ME, HIPPO FATSO, THEY'RE NEW BEST FRIENDS.
(Cheryl and Emily laughing) OH.
OH, LOOK AT THAT.
THEY'RE GETTING ALONG PRETTY GOOD.
OH, GREAT.
I DON'T HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH ANOTHER CONVERSATION ABOUT POOP OR NAIL POLISH.
(lowers voice) I WANT YOU TO KNOW, FOR THE RECORD, THE SECOND TIME WE HUNG OUT, I SHOWED YOU MY PANINI MAKER, AND YOU LOVED IT.
YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT? DANNY WAS SHAKING DOWN HALF THE PIZZA PARLORS IN CHICAGO.
WE ATE LIKE KINGS.
DAMN IT! WHAT'S THIS? SWATCHES? SWATCHES? I HATE SWATCHES.
MOM SAID SHE WANTED TO HAVE SOME HOLIDAY THROW PILLOWS MADE.
HOLIDAY THROW PILLOWS? WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE? YOU MARRIED HER.
OH! OH! COME ON.
I HATE THIS! SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO SHOW THESE FABRIC SWATCHES TO EMILY.
I LOVE THIS.
FANTASTIC.
EMILY'S COMING OVER, HUH? WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, GIRLS? UH, EMILY IS NOW MOMMY'S NEW BEST FRIEND, SO ACT LIKE LITTLE GIRLS THAT PEOPLE WANT TO BE AROUND.
HEY.
HEY.
WAIT.
WAIT.
WHOA.
WHERE'S EMILY? OH, SHE'S KINDA GOT A BUG.
SHE'S NOT COMING OVER.
NO! IF SHE'S NOT HERE, WHO'S GONNA DISCUSS SWATCHES WITH CHERYL? HEY! COME BACK HERE.
I-I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT HER BEING SICK.
(scoffs) YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M STARTING NOT TO LIKE EMILY.
DANA NEVER GOT SICK LIKE THIS.
OR MAYBE SHE DID, AND I JUS NEVER PAID ATTENTION.
OH.
ALL RIGHT, JIM.
(sighs) I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU LIKE DANNY PROBABLY WOULD HAVE.
LAY OFF DANNY.
EMILY THINKS CHERYL'S A FINE HUMAN BEING, BUT SHE DIDN'T REALLY ENJOY BEING ALONE WITH HER THE OTHER NIGHT.
EMILY'S NOT SICK? OH, SHE'S SICK OF CHERYL.
YOU KNOW, DANNY'S GIRLFRIEND LOVES CHERYL.
SHE WRITES TO HER EVERY WEEK FROM PRISON.
LOOK, JIM, I'M SORRY.
EMILY AND CHERYL JUST DIDN'T CLICK.
THEY--THEY DON'T HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON.
OH, COME ON.
THEY'RE WOMEN.
THEY'VE GOT OVARIES AND MOUTHS.
WHAT MORE DO THEY NEED? YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK IT'S EMILY.
MAYBE SHE'S NOT GOOD AT TALKING TO PEOPLE.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE SHE'S NUTS.
I MEAN, LOOK WHO SHE'S DATING.
WELL, SHE TALKS TO HER FRIEND TAMMY ALL THE TIME.
TAMMY? YEAH.
WELL, WHO IS TAMMY? SHE'S, UH, EMILY'S BEST FRIEND.
ANDY, YOU'RE KILLING ME HERE! WHAT? I NEED TO KNOW THESE THINGS.
IF EMILY'S GOT A BEST FRIEND, THEN SHE'S ALREADY GETTING HER DOSE OF GIRL TALK.
OH.
SO WHEN SHE SEES CHERYL, THE TANK'S ALREADY FULL.
YEAH.
THAT COULD BE THE PROBLEM.
IT'S CLEAR WHAT WE HAVE TO DO.
TAMMY'S GOTTA GO.
JIM MURDER SEEMS A LITTLE DRASTIC.
ANDY.
OH, RIGHT.
(mocking voice) DANNY WOULDN'T BE SUCH A BABY.
(normal voice) FINE.
WE'LL KILL HER, BUT WE'RE TAKING YOUR CAR.
YOU KNOW, FOR THE RECORD, I HAD A BEST FRIEND LONG BEFORE YOU EVER SHOWED UP.
OH, REALLY? WHAT'S HIS NAME? MOM.
HOW CAN YOUR MOM BE YOUR BEST FRIEND? YOU TOOK HER TO THE PROM, AND SHE WENT HOME WITH ANOTHER GUY.
HEY, GUYS.
OH.
HEY.
HOW ARE YOU? HEY.
HEY.
MWAH.
(chuckles) OH.
MWAH.
THANK YOU.
SO NICE THAT YOU COULD COME, EMILY.
THANK YOU.
YEAH.
WELL, IT'S NO PROBLEM.
ANDY, YOUR MESSAGE WAS A LITTLE WEIRD.
UH WELL, IT'S--IT'S BECAUSE WHAT WE HAVE TO TELL YOU IS A-A LITTLE WEIRD.
I JUST FEEL DIRTY.
OH, HONEY, WHAT HAPPENED? UM WELL SOMEBODY MADE A CLUMSY AND UNWELCOME PASS AT ANDY.
(wheezes) IT WAS YOUR SO-CALLED FRIEND TAMMY.
(gasps) YOU TOLD ME YOU'D NEVER SAY THAT NAME AGAIN.
COME ON.
BE STRONG.
WAIT A SECOND.
TAM-TAMMY? MY TAMMY MADE A PASS AT YOU? YEAH.
WHEN AND WHERE DID THIS HAPPEN? YESTERDAY AND ON HIS BEHIND.
I WAS AT THE MALL, JUST TRYING TO BE FRIENDLY.
FIVE SECONDS LATER, HER HANDS WERE EVERYWHERE, AND I'M THINKING-- OOH! CHEERY COBBLER SAMPLES.
(chuckles) THIS IS MY LUCKY DAY EXCEPT FOR THE BAD TOUCHING.
IT'S SO WEIRD THA SHE WOULD MAKE A PASS AT YOU, BECAUSE SHE TRIED FOR SO LONG TO TALK ME OUT OF DATING YOU.
RIGHT.
RIGHT.
RIGHT.
WELL, THAT'S WHERE IT STARTED.
SHE HAD HER EYES ON ANDY THE WHOLE TIME.
SHE WAS LAYING DOWN THE GROUNDWORK FROM SQUARE ONE.
(whispers) EVIL.
SHE STOLE MY SMILE! (normal voice) EASY, DAISY MAE.
EASY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA CALL TAMMY RIGHT NOW.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? SHE'S JUST GONNA DENY IT.
I MEAN, WHAT YOU NEED RIGHT NOW IS ANOTHER WOMAN TO TALK THIS THROUGH, NOT THAT--THAT SLUT, BOYFRIEND-STEALING TAMMY.
WELL, I COULD CALL LINDA.
SHE'S NOT A SLUT.
WHO'S LINDA? HER OTHER FRIEND.
TWO FRIENDS? WHO'S GOT TWO FRIENDS? OH, WAIT.
SHE'S ON VACATION.
WELL, YOU KNOW WH--YOU KNOW WHO WOULD BE GREAT TO TALK TO? HMM? CHERYL.
REALLY? YEAH! YEAH.
I MEAN, UH, SHE'S A GOOD LISTENER, SHE GIVES GREAT ADVICE, AND SHE WON'T HAVE WANDERING HANDS WITH THIS ONE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY GOOD IDEA.
YEAH.
YEAH.
WHEN'S A GOOD TIME FOR ME TO COME OVER? WELL, I GET OFF WORK AROUND 5:00, SO 5:01, 5:02? JEEZ, JIM.
EMILY AND CHERYL HAVE BEEN YAPPING AT EACH OTHER FOR OVER AN HOUR.
YEAH.
WE'RE HOME FREE.
THEY'RE BEST FRIENDS, AND I'LL NEVER HAVE TO TALK TO MY WIFE AGAIN.
NOW WHEN WE COME OVER, I CAN HANG WITH YOU WHILE CHERYL TALKS TO EMILY.
IT'S LIKE MY OLD LIFE, BUT WHEN WE GET HOME, I GET A LITTLE LOVIN'.
YEAH, AND NO TALKING AFTERWARDS, BECAUSE EVERYTHING'S BEEN SAID TO SOMEBODY ELSE.
(laughs) OH, JIM.
YOU PLUS EMILY EQUALS THE PERFECT GIRLFRIEND.
BACK UP A LITTLE BIT.
OH, MY GOD! HERE COMES EMILY.
OKAY, UH, MOVE AWAY FROM THE DOOR.
OKAY, UM UM, UM LET'S JUST ACT NATURALLY.
ACT NATURAL? WHAT DOES-- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? LET'S ARM WRESTLE.
THAT'S IT.
HURRY.
COME ON.
COME ON.
(groaning) (groaning) OH, YOU'RE STRONG.
OH.
HEY, GUYS.
(chuckles) WHAT ARE YOU DOING? JUST A LITTLE ARM WRESTLING.
TOTALLY NATURAL.
NO! OH! (laughs) WELL, ANDY, THAT'S TEN IN A ROW.
OH, OKAY.
ANDY, CAN WE GO HOME NOW? WAIT.
WAIT.
SO--SO-- SO WHAT HAPPENED? UH, HOW WAS YOUR TALK WITH CHERYL ABOUT ANDY AND TAMMY? DON'T SAY THAT NAME.
I WAS TAMPERED WITH.
ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO BRING IT UP.
WHAT? WHY NOT? WELL, BECAUSE SHE SHOWED ME SOME POOP, AND THEN SHE WAS OFF TO THE RACES.
OH, GOD.
GOD.
LISTEN.
UH, WHY DON'T YOU COME BACK TOMORROW AND--AND--AND FINISH YOUR TALK? NO WAY.
I'M DONE.
OH.
DONE? YOU SEE, THAT'S THE WAY CHERYL IS.
SHE LIKES TO TALK ONE DAY AND LET YOU TALK THE NEXT DAY.
OH.
OH, LOOK.
MY FRIEND, THE BACK DOOR.
GONNA USE IT.
THERE YOU GO.
CURSES! OH.
I'M SORRY, BUDDY.
I'LL BE THINKING ABOUT YOU WHEN I'M GETTING BUSY WITH MY GIRL.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
(sighs) OH, JEEZ.
(grunting) WHEN I FIRST GOT MARRIED AND I SAID "I DO," I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I WAS GONNA TALK.
AND THEN I THOUGHT, I AM NOT PAYING THA FOR A CHEESE SLICER.
BUT THEN I LOOKED CLOSER, AND I REALIZED IT'S A SLICER AND A GRATER AND A CUBER.
SO THEN I THOUGHT, I HAVE TO BUY IT.
BUT THEN I DIDN'T.
THAT'S IT! THAT IS IT, CHERYL.
CHERYL, I-- COME HERE.
COME HERE.
I HAVE TO HAVE A SERIOUS TALK WITH YOU.
OH.
IT'S THE SLICER.
I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT IT, RIGHT? NO.
CHERYL.
CHERYL, I DON'T WANT YOU TO TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, ALL RIGHT? BUT FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS, I JUST CAN'T MAKE MYSELF CARE ABOUT A SINGLE WORD YOU SAY.
JIM, THAT--THA DOESN'T SEEM VERY NICE.
DON'T TALK.
YOU'RE GONNA LOSE ME.
GO AHEAD.
(clears throat) THEN I REALIZED THAT IT WASN'T MY FAUL THAT I DIDN'T CARE.
IT'S YOUR FAULT.
YOU'VE BECOME REALLY, REALLY BORING.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I-I AM-- I AM REALLY BORING.
(gasps) MY GOD.
I-I SPENT THREE MONTHS AT MY MOTHER'S, SIX MONTHS ON BED RES AND--AND SIX MONTHS WITH BABIES.
I-I'VE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE.
JIM? JIM? (snores) OH.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
WHAT? I DID IT AGAIN.
CHERYL, YOU CAN'T STOP DOING IT.
WHY DO YOU THINK EMILY JUST RAN OUT OF HERE SCREAMING? OH, MY GOD.
I BORED HER, TOO? YOU KNOW WHAT, CHERYL? I THINK DANA WAS A BETTER PERSON THAN I KNEW.
SHE ACTUALLY LIKED TALKING TO YOU.
YEAH.
OR SHE MOVED AWAY BECAUSE OF YOU.
(gasps) LOOK, JIM, H-HELP-- HELP ME BE MORE INTERESTING.
I MEAN, I-I USED TO BE INTERESTING, RIGHT? PROBABLY.
I MEAN, I JUS CAN'T REMEMBER A SPECIFIC TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, I WAS JUST STARING AT YOUR CHES MOST OF THE TIME.
IS THAT THE SECRET? M-MAYBE SH-SHOULD I LOSE A BUTTON? WELL, IT COULDN'T HURT.
I MEAN, YOU'D GET ME BACK.
I CAN'T SPEAK FOR EMILY.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I NEED A NEW BEST FRIEND WHO DOESN'T THINK I'M BORING.
CHERYL, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO RE-SOCIALIZE YOU.
I CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT.
HERE'S THE FIRST THING.
YOU GOTTA STOP TALKING ABOUT THE KIDS.
BUT THEY'RE SO INTERESTING.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
THEY'RE BORING.
WE SHOULD HAVE STOPPED AFTER RUBY.
(cell phone vibrates) OH, MY PANTS ARE BUZZING.
THAT'S EITHER A TEX OR THOSE BUTTONS ARE WORKING.
OH, IT'S ANDY.
"RED ALERT.
RED ALERT.
" WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S EITHER ABOUT COMMUNISM OR HOT SAUCE.
I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH TAMMY.
OH, RED ALERT.
WHAT'S GOING ON? EMILY, DON'T BE MAD.
I CAN EXPLAIN.
I HAVE A BEST FRIEND NAMED TAMMY.
JIM AND ANDY TOLD ME THAT TAMMY MADE A PASS AT ANDY.
TAMMY JUST TOLD ME THAT SHE'S BEEN IN BED ALL WEEK WITH THE FLU.
ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO.
WHAT'S GOING ON? UM WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? (whispers) ACT NATURAL.
ALL RIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF.
I CAN SMELL ONE OF YOUR DOPEY SCHEMES A MILE AWAY.
ALL I KNOW IS THAT TAMMY TOLD ME THAT SHE DIDN'T EVEN-- HANG ON.
I GOT THIS.
OKAY.
(clenches teeth) YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE SHOULD HAVE KILLED TAMMY.
(whispers) I TOLD YOU.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S WHAT WENT DOWN.
DANA, MY SISTER AND BEST FRIEND-- SHE'S MOVED AWAY.
I HAVE BEEN BORING JIM WITH POOP TALK.
ANDY HAS NO SELF-ESTEEM, SO HE DOES WHATEVER JIM SAYS.
AND JIM REMEMBERED THAT WHEN WE STARTED DATING, I ORDERED HIM TO BE FRIENDS WITH ANDY.
HE LIKED ME.
I MADE PANINI.
SHOVE IT.
I WANT TO SEE WHAT SHE'S DOING HERE.
(Cheryl) OKAY.
JIM CONVINCED ANDY TO TELL YOU THAT TAMMY HIT ON HIM SO YOU WOULD DUMP HER AND BE BEST FRIENDS WITH ME, SOLVING EVERYBODY'S PROBLEMS.
YOU KNOW, ASSUMING YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
WELL, FORGIVE ME FOR TRYING TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGE.
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
IT'S TRUE.
IT'S TRUE.
IT'S TRUE.
YOU WERE TRYING TO MAKE ME YOUR BEST FRIEND AND TALK ABOUT POOPS AND NAIL POLISH AND SWATCHES.
WELL, I'M GONNA TELL YA, THAT'S NOT A HUSBAND'S JOB.
THAT'S A GIRLFRIEND'S JOB.
WHAT? HANG ON.
BIG FINISH.
THAT'S RIGHT, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE, UH, TOTALLY ON YOUR WAY TO RUINING OUR SEXUAL POLARITY.
OKAY, I GOTTA ASK.
WHAT IS SEXUAL POLARITY? I DON'T KNOW.
MOST OF THE TIME, I JUST SORT OF TUNE HIM OUT.
YEAH.
I TRY AND DO THAT, BUT SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY TO GET ANDY TO SHUT UP IS TO JUS GET HIM INTO BED.
WHY DO YOU THINK I HAVE FIVE KIDS? (whispers) WHAT'S HAPPENING? A FRIENDSHIP, A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP.
I GOTTA SAY, THIS IS COMPLETELY FASCINATING.
FASCINATING? HA HA HA! THAT'S A LONG WAY FROM BEING BORING, CHERYL.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M TALKING TO A GROWN-UP.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
EMILY, COME ON INTO THE KITCHEN.
I'LL MAKE SOME COFFEE.
YOU GOT SOME MORE STORIES ABOUT THESE TWO BEING MONKEYS? I'VE GOT STORIES ABOUT THEM SMUGGLING MONKEYS.
AH, SCREW THE COFFEE.
I'M GONNA NEED WINE.
WINE, JUST LIKE DANA.
YEAH.
YES! FINALLY! ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT, ANDY.
NOW WE CAN SIT AROUND AND, YOU KNOW, DO MORE INTERESTING MANLY STUFF.
MM-HMM.
HEY, DID I TELL YOU ABOU THE GREAT POOP I HAD YESTERDAY? YES BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN I DON' WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT AGAIN.