Dad's Army (1968) s08e02 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
.
2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Don't you like it, then? No, it's lovely.
Absolutely lovely.
-I queued up for hours for that.
-Oh, it's beautiful.
I really am awfully fond of veal and ham pie.
-Of course, the whole thing's a farce.
-Oh, I don't know.
I think we get on rather well.
-I'm talking about Frank.
-Oh.
Frank.
It's a farce that he should have to waste a whole day going for his medical.
Yes, well, he was bound to get his calling-up papers sooner or later.
But they couldn't possibly take him.
-Not with his chest.
-Well.
If he goes without his scarf, he gets croup.
And then I'm up all night.
Yes, well, couldn't he possibly wear his scarf underneath his uniform? Can you see him doing that? He's like you, he won't be advised.
Look what happened when I tried to cure his sinus.
Yes, well, perhaps he just didn't like sleeping with a hot-water bottle on his face.
There you are, then.
And what about his weak ankles? Slightest thing and over he goes.
No, I didn't know about that.
Why do you think I spend hours holding ice packs on his feet? I've often wondered.
On top of that, there's his nerves.
-That face thing of his is really rather worrying.
-Face thing? -Yes.
-What face thing? Well, haven't you noticed? He's been doing it ever since he got his calling-up papers.
-Doing what? -Well, this.
See.
-That! -That sort of thing.
-Well, that's his age.
-Is it? -All boys do that.
-Oh, do they? Arthur! How many times have I asked you not to smoke during meals? Well, look, Mavis, honestly, look, I have practically finished it up, haven't I? You don't eat enough to keep a fly alive.
Beats me where you get your energy from.
(PIKE WHOOPING) Oh, he's back.
Hello, Mum.
Frank.
And about time, too.
Do you know you're due on parade in 1 0 minutes? Now sit down and don't bolt your tea.
All right? Don't you want to know how I got on? Well, it couldn't have taken them more than five minutes to decide about you.
I was there all day.
-They passed me fit, I'm A-1 .
-A-1 ! Oh, no! No, no, no, now, all right, Mavis, please.
For heaven's sake, don't upset yourself.
Well, it must be a mistake.
I should have gone with him.
-Did you tell them what I told you? -Yes.
And the doctor said there's nothing wrong with me that can't be put right with -exercise, fresh air and good food.
-Good food? Good food? I gave him my egg this morning, didn't I? -Tell him, Arthur.
-She gave you her egg, Frank.
Thank you.
-You'll have to go and see them, Arthur.
-What? They're not having my Frank for a soldier.
No.
I've asked to be put in the RAF.
You? In an aeroplane? You get dizzy standing on a chair.
I asked him if I could be a Spitfire pilot.
They said I'd have to be an ordinary aircraftman first and see how I got on.
Just think I'll be the second of the few.
Oh, what a dIfference thIs would make Stand at ease.
Now, where's Jones? He's not here.
He's absent.
Mark him absent without leave.
Pay attention.
In a few weeks' time we are going to lose one of the loyalist members of our platoon.
Private Pike.
Now, young Frank Pike has been with us since the day we were formed.
-Why does he keep doing that? -What's that, sir? Hmm? That.
I think it's just his age, sir.
All boys do it, you know.
I didn't.
Now, to mark the occasion of his departure, I propose I'm sorry I'm late, Captain Mainwaring.
There's been a bit of a crisis at the shop.
Yes, well, settle down, Jones.
Well, aren't you going to ask me what the crisis is? -You cut your finger.
-Who told you? You've been marked absent without leave.
Well, I had to go to the hospital.
It's one of the hazards of my profession, Captain Mainwaring.
Yes, well, you're here now anyway.
I don't want you to worry 'cause it's my trigger finger, I'm amphibious.
Oh, good.
And I can still give them the old cold steel, you know, sir.
-I can still shove it right up.
-Yes, all right.
Thank you, Corporal.
Where was I up to? Well, I think we were discussing what to do with young Pike, sir.
Oh, yes, yes.
Leave the room, Pike.
-Why? What have I done? -It's all right, Frank.
It's all right.
We are just trying to think up ways of celebrating your departure.
Oh, right.
I'll go, then.
I'll wait in here.
You must speak to his mother about that.
It very often indicates a deep-seated disorder, you know.
Captain Mainwaring, I think, as you say, the lad, he's been a very good boy and I suggest we should have a voluntary collection.
Maximum, sixpence.
Why couldn't we buy him a penknife? I had a penknife when I was his age.
I used to do a lot.
I used to whittle.
Did you? -What do you think, Wilson? -Well, sir, I I know Pike pretty well Aye, and he knows his mother pretty well, too.
-Let's not get personal about this, Frazer.
-Sorry, sir.
I think it's very nice of Sergeant Wilson to look after Mrs Pike the way he does.
He's a true gentleman.
We had an officer who used to look after three ladies.
He was a gentleman.
He weren't very true, though.
Let's not get diverted.
You were about to make a suggestion, Wilson.
Yes, I was, sir.
You see, I happen to know what Pike likes and I think it would be a good idea if we were to give him a celebration supper of fish and chips at the restaurant.
Oh.
Oh, that sounds a capital idea, yes.
-What do you think of that? -ALL: Yes.
Good idea, sir.
Right, right, you can come in now, Pike.
We've decided what to do for your surprise farewell.
Oh, good.
I like fish and chips.
You would never hear me complaIn agaIn If I only had wIngs (AEROPLANES DRONING) Is that one of theirs or one of ours? That's one of theirs.
You can tell by the coming-and-going hum.
(JONES HUMMING) Makes the back of your neck go all goosy, doesn't it? Here, Pikey, you're not worried about joining up, are you? No.
Not really.
You don't want to worry about joining up, not in these modern times.
I'll never forget the day I joined up.
They shaved all me hair off and they washed me all over with carbolic, and then they gave me a great big basin of cold fatty soup, a prickly horse blanket, and I cried meself to sleep.
Did you? It's different now, I expect.
-Yes, I expect it is.
-Yes.
But one thing won't have changed and that's the comradeship.
No, that won't have changed.
You've got to learn comradeship, Pikey boy.
-Yes.
Yes, I'll have to learn that.
-Yeah.
If someone nicks your kit, you make sure you nick somebody else's.
Always be first in the queue when the grub's up, and then you gobble it up quick and go round a second time and have some more.
Never volunteer, and always look after number one.
If someone drops you in it, make sure you drop them in it.
That's the best part of the army, is the comradeship.
Yeah.
Looking forward to that.
Well, it's like this, Mr Mainwaring, the blood donor people will be taking the church hall for two days.
His Reverence has agreed.
Mr Mainwaring is aware of that, Mr Yeatman.
Well, of course, blood's very important at times such as this and I want to be sure we have a good turnout, so the point is this, how much of the stuff can you manage? Not personally but as a group.
Well, now, let's see.
There'll be the whole of the platoon and their relations, no doubt.
-I should put us down for 50.
-50 pints? That's rather a lot, isn't it? What are you talking about? There's 20 in the platoon.
We only need to rustle up another 30.
Hello, Napoleon.
What's this, mothers' meeting? Do you mind not barging into my office without knocking? What do you mean, your office? It's my office as well, mate.
May I remind you both that first and foremost it is my office.
You've told him, have you? Oh, no.
The warden's group will be doing their donoring on the first day.
Oh, and they give a certificate to each group to put on the wall.
It's a sort of parchment, like, with a red seal and a bit of ribbon.
They look very nice.
Yes, and my certificate will go right up on that wall there.
Chief Warden Hodges' group donated 50 pints.
In that case, my certificate will be directly above it.
George Mainwaring, 1 00 pints.
-Excuse me, sir, aren't you being a little bit hasty? -You leave this to me, Wilson.
Where are you going to get 1 00 pints from? If it comes to that, where are you going to get 50 from? Well, I'll arrange it through my shop.
Anybody who signs on, will get a pound of onions.
Oh, well, if that's the game, Jones can give sausages away.
-He can't, they're rationed.
-Well, dripping or something.
Anyway, the people that I recruit won't need bribing.
Well, my entire congregation will naturally throw its weight behind this scheme and to be absolutely fair, I shall divide them equally between you both.
That'll be three each.
And toss up for the organist.
#Adolf, you've bItten off # Now, Pike, have you ever suffered from jaundice? No.
I get croup.
Mum says me ankles are a bit wonky.
Whenever I stand on anything I get a bit of verdigris.
Apart from that, I'm fit as a fiddle.
Mark him down as a donor.
-All right, sir.
-All right, that'll do, Pike.
Thank you, sir.
What's the score? Well, there's Godfrey, Jones and Frazer, that's three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
Nine not eligible because of age.
Jaundice, two.
One on pills.
Godfrey's on pills.
So that's twice you can't have him.
Look, only count them once or we shall get into a terrible mess.
Yes, all right, sir.
Two with colds and Oh, Lord.
Uh, yes, Private Elgood.
-Elgood? -Yes, Elgood.
He's the one who's Who's what? Oh, dear.
-That leaves you, me and Pike.
-Yes.
Well, I'm afraid you're going to have to count me out, sir.
-Why is that? -Well, you see, I'm As a matter of fact, I'm a little bit anaemic.
-Absolute rubbish.
-No, it isn't rubbish at all, sir, as a matter of fact.
I had a word with my doctor this morning and he said, far from giving it, I ought to be having it.
You're just trying to wriggle out of it, aren't you? Because you're afraid.
No, not at all, sir.
No, I've been a donor on many occasions, it's just that I, possibly, I'm a little bit run down.
Perhaps I've been overdoing things a little bit just lately.
You've never overdone anything while I've been about.
The fact remains, sir, that you're still very short of your target.
98 pints short.
-This is a disaster.
-Yes, well, I did warn you not to be too hasty.
Sir, desperate times call for desperate doings and why can't we falsicate our ages? I'm sure we'd pass for 65.
Some of us.
Yes.
No, I'm afraid I couldn't be party to anything like that, Frazer, but what a marvellous spirit we have here.
Yes, we have indeed, sir.
Absolutely marvellous, yes.
-I'm going to talk to the men.
-Are you? -Help me up onto this forum, will you? -Yes, of course.
You all right, sir? -Okay? -All right, all right.
Pay attention to the officer, come along now.
The officer wants paying attention to.
Come along, pay attention to the officer.
The men are now paying attention, sir.
Thank you, Jones.
Sir, would you like the men to stand to attention while they're paying attention? -No, no, don't bother.
-No, no, don't bother with all that, no need.
(CLEARING THROAT) Now, the platoon is facing a crisis.
I won't conceal the fact but due to no fault of ours we are falling short of our target.
Ninety-eight pints short.
Never mind about the details.
Now, we've had dark times before but by standing together we have always triumphed.
And it behoves every man of us to search the highways and the byways, call on all our friends, loved ones, relations, so that they can Rally to our bottle cry.
I do wish you wouldn't do things like that.
Rally to our cause.
Excuse me, Captain Mainwaring, will Mrs Mainwaring be rallying to the cause? I feel sure that with our combined efforts, that that certificate is as good as on the wall now.
Frazer, I don't think Mrs Mainwaring will do a lot of rallying.
Come to the land of Didn't feel a thing.
Well, it's the least you can do for your country.
I'm sorry, Captain Mainwaring, there's not a sign of anyone else.
Thank you, Godfrey.
I don't understand this at all, it's not like Jones to let us down.
Oh, he went off with 1 0 men with their fixed bayonets.
Really, Captain Mainwaring, this is too bad.
I have all these nurses standing by for a 1 00-pint operation and so far I have you, the boy and the vicar.
I know.
I'm very sorry, Doctor.
I can assure you they'll be along in a few minutes.
Well, I sincerely hope so.
I could have gone to another town.
Vicar, what happened to the three that you promised me? Ah, well, the flesh is weak, Mr Mainwaring, and they hadn't seen any onions for a month.
-This really is most awkward, isn't it, Wilson? -I really do feel very deeply for you.
-Look, couldn't you help us out? -I'm terribly sorry.
You must realise how embarrassing a situation this is for me.
Well, can't you and Frank go round again? I think Mum wanted to come, but she's ever so upset at losing me.
I'm all she's got, you know.
That's why she was a bit off with Uncle Arthur when he asked her.
-Oh, you did ask, then? -Yes.
-At breakfast.
-Frank.
I think she was going to say yes, that is until Uncle Arthur mentioned that there was a sort of burnt taste about the porridge.
So she picked up the pan and poured it in his Homburg hat.
They haven't spoken since.
You take my advice.
Whomever you marry, take a very firm stand with your wife from the outset.
-Start as you mean to go on, eh? -That's right.
I'll remember that.
Good lad.
Mrs Mainwaring coming? I said is Mrs Mainwaring coming? You're going to have to do something about that habit of yours.
-What habit? -This.
What? Do I do that? Almost at the end of every sentence you go Oh, how awful.
Oh, thank you for telling me, Mr Mainwaring.
I was noticing when you were talking to young Frank just now, you know, I believe you're beginning to catch this face thing.
I was explaining to the boy that if he doesn't stop it Cor blimey, it's a bit quiet, isn't it? You couldn't move in here yesterday when my lot were in.
Let's have a look at the score, Doc.
Hodges, 50.
Mainwaring, 3.
Yes, well, most of my people haven't turned up yet.
Well, I sincerely hope they come soon.
Go on, admit it, Mainwaring, you've lost.
There is one consolation, Captain Mainwaring.
From my initial test it seems that Private Pike is of a very rare blood group.
-You won't find one like him in 1 0,000.
-Well done, Frank.
Did you hear that, Mr Mainwaring, I'm one in 1 0,000? I always said he wasn't normal.
Don't insult this boy.
He's going to serve his country.
Cor blimey, they must be scraping the barrel.
Give me the details of your call-up and I'll notify your unit, just in case.
Right.
Start packing up, Sister, we'll move on to the next collection point.
-Excuse me, Captain Mainwaring.
-Yes, but don't be too long.
It's a It's the yard, it's full of people, sir.
Well, use the one next to the vestry.
-Corporal Jones has brought them, sir.
-What? Sir, Captain Mainwaring, sir.
I've done it, sir.
I've done it.
-Ninety-seven pints I've got, sir.
I've done it, sir.
-What are you talking about, Jones? Frazer, come on, bring the Sergeant in.
Go on! Get in there.
Go on, go.
Right, left, right, left, halt! Salute the officer.
Salute, capIsce? (YELLING) (IN ITALIAN ACCENT) What for you stick me with the bayonet? I no make trouble.
Me buddy-buddy, friend.
What's all this about? Well, sir, I went down to the Italian prisoner of war POW camp and I saw the guard there, and I gave him a little bit of fillet steak, sir, and he let me bring 80 prisoners of wars out for donoring purposes, sir.
-I object.
That's not fair, that's enemy blood.
-Of course it's fair.
They started it.
Hey, what you calling me enemy for? I not enemy.
I sit at home, mind my business.
TrattorIa PaIsano.
Very good food.
I cook myself.
Then they come to me, they say, ''Hey you, ''you got to go, you got to go fight.
You got to go bangy bang.
'' We is not to blame, SIgnor CapItano.
It's the SIgnor Adolf Hitler, they is to blame.
Your government should be more careful about who it chooses for friends.
Friends? Oh, you should talk about friends.
-What about the Stalins? -That's enough of that.
Help, help, there's 80 Eyeties in the church hall.
His Reverence will have a fit.
I'm here, Mr Yeatman, and I'm not given to having fits.
Yes, well, even with cheating, you've still only got 83.
I've still won 'cause I've reached my target.
Oh, no, you haven't.
I got 1 7 nuns as well.
I was coming to that.
There are 1 7 nuns in the yard as well, Your Reverence, and they're all Roman Catholics.
Nuns quite often are, Mr Yeatman.
You see, when I was down in the Italian POW camp, sir, these nuns were there administering to their needs and them giving them nice balaclavas and knitted socks, and they're all Roman Catholics, you know.
Except one, I think he was a Hebrew.
And 83 and 1 7 make 1 00.
Well done, Jones.
Well, there you are, Doctor, we've fulfilled our target.
Good show.
Get weaving, Sister.
Right.
Show them in, Jones.
Ladies first.
-Come on, you, get in there.
-JONES: Right, sir.
Come along, now.
This way for the donoring.
Nuns first and Eyetie second.
Left, right, left, right, left, right.
#Adolf you've bItten off Much more than you can chew -Very nice here, isn't it? -Yes, it is.
Oh, it's lovely, sir, yes.
That's it.
Two plaice and two, one No, no, two cod and two, one plaice and two.
Is that right? -Yes.
-Yes.
And here's your ?1 and now I want 8 and 1 0 pence change.
Haven't you got yours yet, Captain Mainwaring? No, no, mine's a fillet of plaice and twopenny worth of fried potato.
Hold on, sir.
Here it is.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, no, no, no, that's not right.
It's not seemly for an officer to have his fish and chips on paper.
No, well, I must admit, a plate would be very nice.
Could we have a plate for Captain Mainwaring, please? Don't bother the man, he's counting my change.
Sorry.
Hey, sorry, we haven't got plates for everybody, you know.
There's a war on.
Oh, dear, well, never mind.
Just a minute, sir.
There you are.
You have my plate, there you are.
That's it.
That's right.
Oh, no, that's wrong, isn't it? 'Cause you were plaice and two and I was cod and two.
Here, hang on a minute.
There you are, sir.
No, wait a minute, sir, wait a minute.
That's wrong because, look, I've only got six chips left.
You hang on to those a minute.
You have those, and I'll have these.
There you are, sir.
Yours is on a plate and mine's on the paper.
There we are.
Thank you, Jones.
Would you like a pickled onion or a gherkin, sir? No, thank you.
I've quite enough trouble here.
I don't have them, either.
Mr Mainwaring, would you like some raspberryade? Oh, very little, thank you, I believe.
Oh, that's enough.
Well, there's plenty of it.
It's all paid for.
Would you rather have lime fizz? -Mixes nice.
-No, I'm very happy with what I've got, thank you.
Why are we drinking raspberryade? Well, Frank likes it, you see, and after all, it is his party.
Hello, Napoleon, eating with the poor people, are we? Just go away, will you? This is a private party.
-No, don't take any notice of him.
-All right, sir.
Think I'm going to have to go for a long walk in the fresh air after this.
If I arrive home with my clothes smelling of fish and chips, my wife will have a fit.
Very sensitive nose, you know.
I smoked a cigarette in the house once, she tried to keep me out of the sitting room for three days.
I wouldn't stand for that, I tell you.
''Look here,'' I said, ''if that's your attitude, I'll stay out of the sitting room for a week.
'' You seem to be having some difficulty with the salt, sir.
-Yes, I do rather.
-Here, let me do it, Mr Mainwaring.
It gets clogged up, doesn't it? Sea air that does it.
-Yes.
-Hang on.
Can I use that? There.
-Should be all right, then.
-Thank you very much, Pike.
Hey, you're not going to be long, are you? I've got a queue a mile long outside.
Hold on, hold on.
You've had our money.
Haud your wheesht! Look, perhaps we'd better just have the speeches and go.
Righto, sir.
Come along, gentlemen, charge your glasses.
Come on, charge your glass, Mr Mainwaring.
-No, I have enough in it, thank you.
-Oh, right.
Oh, sir, by the way, sir, we thought that as Sergeant Wilson is more close to, so to say, to young Pike, perhaps he ought to make the speech.
Yes, all right, good idea.
Now, don't make it long.
It'll get very boring.
All right, sir, yes, yes.
I'll remember that.
Pikey, you got to answer.
Well, before I say anything, can I have another cod and chips, please? One cod and chips for Pikey.
One more cod and chips, coming up.
M'lords, ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for Sergeant Wilson.
Thank you, Jonesy.
Thanks very much, everybody.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is really a dual celebration, you know, because Captain Mainwaring, we got to congratulate him on the marvellous job he's done with the blood donor scheme.
Yes, and that was a fiddle.
That was a fiddle, you had a load of nuns and wops.
All right.
Keep quiet, will you? Now, the town clerk, sir, has presented you with this little scroll.
Now, you want to send that to Mussolini or the Pope.
(ALL YELLING) Off, off, off.
Now, to continue, ladies and gentlemen, secondly, we would like, I'm sure, to wish good luck and Godspeed to one of our fellow soldiers, Private Frank Pike.
ALL: Hear, hear.
Frank, you've always been a very loyal member of this platoon, and we shall always remember you.
Speech.
Speech.
Come on, Pikey.
Come on, get up.
I've got all these chips to eat yet.
Come on, Pikey, get up and speak, man.
Come on.
You take your time, Frank.
Ladies and gentlemen, no, gentlemen, thank you very much for the fish and chip supper.
I don't want to make a long speech.
But I would like to tell you a funny story.
Good.
Good.
I like a funny story.
I hope it won't be coarse.
You remember some of us gave blood for this certificate thing? Well, they found out that mine was ever so rare.
So they wrote to the RAF and told them.
And then the RAF said that if I was wounded or anything like that well, they wouldn't have anything to transfuse me with.
I hope you don't mind me saying it, son, but so far your story haesna been highly comic.
No, well.
The funny thing is they won't have me.
I'm not going.
What? You're not going? -When did you learn this? -Yesterday.
Why didn't you say something? Well, no one's ever given a supper in my honour before.
I didn't want to miss me fish and chips.
I like fish and chips.
Stupid boy.