It Ain't Half Hot Mum (1974) s08e02 Episode Script

Meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you With music and laughter to help you on your way To raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey With songs and sketches and jokes old and new With us about, you won't feel blue So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you B-O, B-O-Y-S Boys to entertain you! I thought last night's show was definitely sub-standard.
I quite agree, sir.
What did you think, Sergeant Major? Sloppy, sir.
The whole thing is falling to pieces.
The brigadier was quite scathing.
When they dressed up as dance-hall girls and sang Ten Cents A Dance, he turned to me and said, "I wouldn't dance with them for nothing.
" Shall I put 'em on a charge, sir, for overcharging? No.
You can't do that, Sergeant Major.
Get 'em on parade.
Captain Ashwood will give them a good dressing-down.
- Me, sir? - Yes.
You jolly well tear 'em off a strip.
Very good, sir.
Right, lovely boys, let's have you on parade! Wouldn't it be better if you gave 'em a telling-off, sir? No, no, no, you're very good at that sort of thing.
You can be very sarcastic and quick-witted.
What about that time when that toffee-nosed little pilot officer made a remark about those spindly legs of yours sticking out from under your shorts? Quick as a flash you said, "Why don't you take off, Brylcreem Boy?" Squad 'shun! Stand at ease! Squad 'shun! Get a grip.
- The men are on parade, sir.
- Thank you, Sergeant Major.
- Stand at ease, will you? - Stand at ease! - Right, off you go.
Tear 'em to shreds.
- Yes, sir.
Now, look here, you lot.
Er The colonel and I are very cross with you.
You're all rotten.
And what's more, you you What Captain Ashwood is trying to say is that the show is sloppy and you are an idle bunch of unfunny, ugly, useless, thick twits of Mormons.
- Is that right, sir? - Quite right.
Well done, Ashwood.
The only one I feel sorry for is Gunner Parkins.
He stood out on that stage like a little diamond in a manure heap.
I wouldn't go so far as to say that, Sergeant Major.
Did you hear that, sir? Not only talented but modest with it.
- Shoulders back, lovely boy.
Show 'em - All right, Sergeant Major.
The fact is the show isn't good enough.
Now, I've made some notes here.
We will go through the whole show piece by piece.
Now, the opening chorus.
Now, when you do this er this step here you were putting your hand up as though you wanted to go somewhere.
I was trying to attract Gunner Graham's attention on the piano.
He was playing the wrong tempo.
- It was a dirge.
Like a funeral march.
- What do you say to that, Graham? I have played precisely that tempo for 500 performances.
- Hasn't varied one iota.
- It did last night.
Rubbish.
You've got tin ears, anyway.
If I've got tin ears, you've got lead fingers.
Gunner Mackintosh's strong-man act.
Now, the part where you tear that telephone directory in half fell very flat.
He doesn't grunt and groan enough.
The audience hardly clapped at all.
I grunt and groan all right.
It's Gunner Graham.
He's supposed to give me a # Ta-da # and he didnae.
I mean, if I don't get a # Ta-da# I don't get any applause.
Oh, it's me again, is it? I suppose the fact that they can all see where you made a two-inch cut with a hacksaw so that a four-year-old infant could tear it in half, is neither here nor there.
I only make a tiny nick.
Right.
Next, we go on to your solo, Gunner Gunner, er, Sugden.
Now, something went very much amiss during the singing from the Student Prince.
"Overhead the moon is beaming, light as blossom on the bough.
" Well, it was him.
He won't follow me.
I only got as far as "The moon is beaming" and he'd got the blossom on the bough.
Yeah, you must follow him.
You see, I'm supposed to be a gay, debonair young prince who's a student at Heidelberg University.
I have to hurry it up and slow it down as the mood takes me.
I do find it a little hard to convince myself that Gunner Sugden is a gay, debonair young prince from Heidelberg University.
More like the caretaker from the Tonypandy Polytechnic.
The fact is it's all Graham's fault cos he won't follow me.
Well, as the Americans would put it, I seem to be the fall-guy who's taking the rap for a load of bums.
Serves you right for being a wise-guy.
Well done, Ashwood, you've done it again.
Now, look, you haven't heard the last of this.
Captain Ashwood and I and the Sergeant Major are going to think about it all.
When we've thought about it all, we're definitely going to do something, aren't we? - Definitely, sir.
- Right.
Carry on, Sergeant Major.
Squad 'shun! Dispatch! Move yourselves.
Well, thank you all very much for your support.
It's nice to know who your friends are.
What is wrong with Gunner Graham? Nothing I couldn't put right with a good kick up the backside, sir.
Perhaps we'd better have an informal chat with him.
Send him over, please.
Gunner Graham! Over here at the double! Move yourself! Left! Right! Left! Right! Move yourself! About time! Halt! Salute! The colonel wishes to have a chat with you informally, right? Fall out! - Thank you, Sergeant Major.
Do sit down.
- Chair.
- Would you care for a cigarette? - No, I don't smoke, thank you, sir.
- I'm afraid I can't offer you a drink.
- No, I realise it's hard to get.
Oh, it's not that.
It's just that you're a gunner and we're officers.
Now, look here, Gunner Graham, what is wrong with you? - Have you got trouble at home? - No, sir.
None at all.
There must be something wrong.
You seem to have lost all interest in the show.
Well, sir, I'll be frank with you.
You're a man of some culture and taste.
And you are, too, Captain Ashwood.
And you you You see, sir, it's like this.
How would you feel if your one ambition in life was to be a serious classical pianist and you had to sit there night after night at a terrible piano, playing Happy Days Are Here Again? Yes.
My God, I do see.
It must be pure torture, mustn't it, Sergeant Major? Sheer purgatroid, sir.
I thought you had a degree in English Literature.
Oh, that was just a sop to Mummy and Daddy.
You see, I have I have this old aunt, Lucinda Baverstock-Graham.
She's the Dorset side of the family.
She knew what I really wanted to do so she paid for my musical education, entirely.
On my 21st birthday she took me to Harrods and bought me a Bechstein.
How marvellous.
Did you hear that, Sergeant Major? - She bought him a Bechstein.
- Very nice, sir.
How much does it do to the gallon? Are you going back to that when all this is over? Oh, yes, sir.
Definitely.
- It takes years of practice, you know.
- Yes, I do realise that.
But Auntie says she'll sponsor me and if anything should happen to her, well, she's made me her sole heir.
Well, we do realise things are hard for you, but they're hard for us all.
I mean, war's a damn boring business and we've just got to soldier on.
Now, you're going to do your best, aren't you? - Yes, of course.
- Good.
There's a good chap.
Off you go.
On your feet! And salute! About turn! (Barks orders) There you are.
Told you there must be a very good reason for it all.
Like I said, sir, nothing wrong with him I couldn't put right with a good kick up the ar backside.
# My heart tells me this is just a fling # - Doesn't Paderewski want any supper? - No.
He's lying under his mozzie net, reading War And Peace.
He says we're a bunch of ungrateful morons.
Well, let him sulk.
It was his fault the show was lousy.
Course it was.
Fancy him calling us ungrateful morons.
What right's he got to look down on us just cos he's been to university and we ain't? I reckon it's the wrong people what's getting the education.
You're right there, Parky.
Now, if I'd been to Cambridge and done a lot of learning, I'd be humble about it.
Where have you been, Muhammad? I've been dying for a cup of char all afternoon.
I have been to Head Q to get my new char-wallah permit.
Medical officer inspected my char-urn and I'm happy to tell you there are no buggies.
I expect the hot water killed them.
South East Asia Command newspaper.
Also Times for Colonel sahib.
I'll give it him.
I see the Japs are on their last legs.
Huh.
They were saying that months ago, when I was up the jungle.
Ten minutes later we were all running for our lives cos we were surrounded by them.
Well, they can't hold out much longer.
We've got the whole world on our side.
I can't wait to get back to Civvy Street.
Tin Pan Alley.
Charing Cross Road.
The lights of London.
Yeah.
They've turned them on already, you know.
Lucky devils.
I'll soon be working in a real live theatre with a real live orchestra.
What makes you think you'll get a real live audience? Half of them walked out last night and it was free.
- That's a downright lie.
- No, it's not.
Two of them asked for their money back and they hadnae paid in the first place.
Tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna apply for an ex-serviceman's grant to study singing at The Scala, Milan.
- But you don't speak Italian.
- He's not that hot at English.
What parts can you play in opera? I could, er, play, er, Don José in Carmen.
Gigli plays it.
He's not much bigger than I am.
It's all about a tart who has a job in a fag factory.
I play a corporal in the army who's besotted with her, but she throws me over and has it off with an officer.
Typical.
If they give grants for studying, I reckon they should give grants for starting a business.
What sort of business would you start, then? I reckon after the war, people are going to need roads.
And my plan is to build a huge road, three lanes wide, so that folks can travel from London to Scotland without stopping.
People have got to stop.
What they going to do about grub? I'd build special cafés.
- And what about petrol? - They'd sell petrol, as well.
That's novel.
Cafés that sell petrol.
Excuse me, sir.
Would you mind if I sit in your light to read the paper? My hurricane lamp is rather inoddequate.
Mm.
Certainly.
I'm afraid there's not much in it.
- What's in the Times, sir? - We won the war in Europe.
It's about ten weeks old.
Memorial service for Lloyd George.
Oh.
Wonderful Welshman, Lloyd George, sir.
He knew my father.
- Who else is dead? - Oh couple of canons.
A judge.
Professor.
A few in the small print.
I say, what's this? "Lady Lucinda Baverstock-Graham, 91, of Graham Hall in Dorset.
"Widow of Sir Adrian Baverstock-Graham, Bart.
That must be Graham's auntie.
Unless there are two Lady Lucinda Baverstock-Grahams in Dorset.
Oh, don't be silly.
- I wonder why he never mentioned it.
- Well, perhaps he don't know, sir.
I'm sure he'd have said.
She's the one who was going to leave him all her money.
Yeah, but perhaps he hasn't had a letter, sir.
I mean, the mail is very erotic.
- We must send for him and tell him.
- No, no, hang on a minute.
We're dealing with a man who's very highly strung and who's got a lot of pressure from his friends because he's such a rotten pianist.
Obviously, he's very fond of the old woman.
If I go and say, "I'm afraid she's kicked the bucket," it might be a terrible shock to him.
Sooner or later he'll get a letter from his parents, putting the whole thing in a sympathetic and loving way.
Not only that, sir.
He gives himself enough airs and graces as it is.
If he suddenly finds out he's come into a fortune, he'll become positively paragoric.
Paranoiac.
That as well, sir.
On balance, I think we'll leave things as they are.
Yes, well, I er I think I'll turn in now, sir.
- It's a bit early, isn't it? - Well, not really, sir.
I have not done my snake-search.
I say, sir, I didn't like to mention it in front of the Sergeant Major, but I thought your reason for keeping the news from Gunner Graham was pretty thin.
Well, we've been pretty rotten to Graham.
Now, look, I've got this marvellous idea for making money after the war.
But I need capital.
Now, look, if I go and say, "I'm afraid Auntie's died "and left you a fortune.
Could you let me have L10,000?" it might sound a bit odd.
What is this marvellous idea, sir? Television.
Just before the war I went to the Radio Show at Olympia and I saw this television set.
They were showing a tennis match.
You couldn't see the balls but it was marvellous.
"That," I said to myself, "is the future.
" What? Tennis without balls? - No.
Television! - But they've stopped it.
They'll start again after the war.
Sooner or later, there'll be one in every home.
Oh, no, no.
Definitely not.
I mean, the sets cost hundreds and hundreds.
Yes, well, I'll buy a lot of them, get them cheaper.
Then I can rent 'em out for, say, ten bob a week.
Oh, no.
I think it's a rotten idea.
I mean, the British public like to get out and about.
They don't want to sit indoors with the blinds drawn, crouching over a television set.
No, no, I wouldn't put tuppence in it.
- My idea's much better.
- Oh, really? What is it? Washing machines.
That's just as expensive as my television sets.
Ah, but I'm not going to put one in every home.
I'll take a shop and put a dozen machines in it, you see.
Then people will come along, pay me a shilling and do their washing.
I'll start with one shop and then I'll have a chain of them all over the country.
I shall call them er launderdromes.
No, no, you're way off target there.
The British public would never stand for it.
You know how reserved they are.
They'd never let other people see their dirty washing.
You can't expect an educated man like Graham to put his money into a hare-brained scheme like that, especially if you call it a laundrodrome.
How about er laundryettes? That's even worse.
Come on, let's do the snake-search and we'll go to bed.
# What d'you say? Let's be buddies # Hello, boy.
Oh.
Hello, Sergeant Major.
- Can't you sleep? - Oh, I just come out to see how you was.
Got to look after my boys, you know.
That's very nice of you.
Just cos I shout a bit now and then don't mean to say I don't care about you all.
No, no, of course not.
Stuck out here in the jungle, must seem a funny old life for an Oxford-and-Cambridge-educated genius of a pianist like you.
Still er the war will soon be over.
And you'll be back in Civvy Street, playing Beethoven Choppin and Sherbert.
Yes, er, well, let's hope so.
Look the good lord's been kind to you, in't he? Given you all them gifts.
A brilliant brain wonderful musical talent.
A beautiful speaking voice like Albari Del.
You're not bad-looking, either.
Thank you.
How er how long will you have to study, then, to become a famous classical pianist, like? Who knows? It's difficult to say.
I'd probably have to practise six or eight hours a day for five years.
Mm.
But your life's all mapped out, innit? As for me, as soon as the war's over I'll be retired.
The scrapheap for me.
Oh, come, come, Sergeant Major.
There must be some sort of job that you could do.
Somewhere.
What about a commissionaire outside a cinema, for instance? Oh, l-I don't mean just an ordinary little fleapit of a cinema.
I mean er, with your ability it could be the Odeon, Leicester Square.
Well I do have an idea.
And it's this.
I want to get a few chaps round me, a bit like, you know, warrant officers, sergeants who can handle themselves in a scrap.
Put 'em in a smart uniform and we can go round, protecting things.
Protecting what sort of things? Well, er money.
We could collect wages from the bank.
Anybody tries any robberies or strong-arm stuff, we'd duff 'em up.
That's not a bad idea.
Hm.
We shall call the firm Securitroops.
Not bad.
Well, of course, er that sort of thing takes a lot of money to start up.
And I haven't got none.
Still, one day who knows? I'm glad you like the idea.
- Good night.
- Good night, Sergeant Major.
(Kicks something metallic) What was that noise, Ah Syn? I think come from the officers' basha.
Perhaps loose wallah trying to steal from colonel.
I fix him.
- (Colonel) Are you awake, Ashwood? - Yes, sir.
How much do you think Gunner Graham's aunt left him? Well, if Graham Hall is the one I think it is, it's huge, with masses of servants.
Could be half a million or more.
(Colonel) Ah, just think, a common gunner inheriting half a million.
(Ashwood) He's not common.
He went to Cambridge.
(Colonel) Well, he'll get the news any time.
We'd better start being nice to him now.
- (Ashwood) Where are you going? - To have a chat with him.
I'm coming with you.
For heaven's sake, don't let on that he's inherited a fortune.
- Evening, Gunner Graham.
- Good evening, sir.
- Everything all right? - Yes.
Yes, thank you, sir.
Fine.
We couldn't sleep so we thought we'd have a cup of tea.
- Would you care to join us? - That's very nice of you.
Thank you, sir.
Char wallah.
Char wallah.
Three cups of char, jaldi.
Is Gunner Graham going to pay, sahib? What makes you say that? Course not.
We shall pay.
- Well, Graham, how's it all going? - Well, not too bad, thank you, sir.
Stuck in the jungle here must be a strange experience for an educated man of good breeding, background and intelligence.
Yes, and a brilliant pianist to boot.
- Char, sahib? - After you.
# I want to be loved by you # - I can't believe it.
- It's true, sahib.
His auntie has kicked bucket and left him millions and millions of pound.
- He never said a dicky-bird.
- He does not know, sahib.
And he mustn't know, either.
Don't you see? If we keep on the right side of him, this could be the answer to all our dreams.
- I can have my own show.
- I can study my singing in Italy.
And I could build my roads.
No, nobody's that wealthy.
But I could have my own show.
Listen, we're going to have to start being nice to him.
- How was he this morning? - I said good morning to him.
- Did he say anything back? - Yes, he told me to take a running jump.
Where is he now? Under a tree outside the gates, reading his book.
Go outside and ask him if he'd like a nice cup of tea.
- Who, me? - Yes, you.
- Paderewski, do you fancy a cup of tea? - No.
- Gloria's paying.
- Oh, all right.
Would you like a cake? My treat.
- Well, I might.
What have you got? - Just buns, sahib.
- No, I want a fancy one.
- Oh.
It just so happen I have just one coconut dream left.
- Give it to him, give it to him.
- That will be two annas extra, sahib.
Take it, take it.
Two annas.
- D'you wanna sit down? - Oh.
Yes.
You're sitting Nobby, you're sitting in Paderewski's place.
- He always sits there.
- Oh.
Sorry.
It's very humid.
D'you like the cake? I thought they were supposed to use the inside of the coconut, not the outside.
(All laugh uproariously) "The inside of the coconut, not the outside"! Oh, you're a scream.
- Is that nice? - It's a bit weak.
I think the char wallah's started using those second-hand tea leaves again.
"Second-hand tea leaves"! - Attention! - No, no, lovely boys.
As you were.
Let Gunner Graham finish his tea.
Right, pay attention, chaps.
I've got some marvellous news for you, especially for Gunner Graham.
We all know Gunner Graham has not been happy about the music he's had to play.
- No.
It's a shame.
- It's a great travesty, actually, sir.
It just so happens I've been talking to the brigadier at GHQ and he's a very keen music-lover, but of course he's starved of good stuff.
Well, then it came to me in a flash.
Here is Gunner Graham with his classical training and there is the brigadier, starved.
Why don't we bring them both together? Why doesn't Gunner Graham give us all a recital? Well, the brigadier jumped at it and he's following us down.
You mean you want me to play? Now? Yes.
What have you got a lot of? - Who is your favourite composer? - Amadeus Mozart.
How extraordinary.
D'you know who the brigadier's favourite composer is? Ama Ama Him.
Have you got a lot of him? - Well, er, quite a lot, yes, sir.
- Well, go and get it all.
Fellas, get the piano.
Nobby, Nosher.
And bring the chairs.
Come on, lovely boys, move yourselves.
Not you, Gunner Graham.
Now, be careful with that piano, lovely boys.
Do not knock it about.
Gunner Graham's suffered enough as it is.
Just a minute, boys.
What has you done? Ooh.
He'll have the sun in his eyes.
How do you expect a sensitive artist like him to have the sun in his eyes? You does not want the sun in your eyes, does you? - Well, no, I'd rather not.
- Quite.
Move it together, lovely boys.
That's it.
Beautiful.
Careful now.
Careful.
Well done, lads.
Well done.
- Is that the music? - Yes, sir.
- Ah.
How long will that take? - Er about two hours.
Ah, fantastic.
Did you hear that, Sergeant Major? - He's going to play for two hours.
- What a treat, sir.
- Squad 'shun! - Ah.
Good afternoon, sir.
- Is everything ready? - Pretty much, sir, yes.
Is this Graham? - Yes, sir.
- Well done.
Good afternoon.
Good afternoon, sir.
By the way, is it true that he's come into a fortune? Er, yes, I believe so, sir, yes.
I must have a talk with him later on.
You see, I've got this little scheme after the war.
Oh, by the way, I've brought your mail for you.
I won't hand them round now.
I don't want to hold things up.
Char wallah, look after these, will you, please? Which part of his repertoire is he giving us? Sir, we is having two hours of Armadillo Mozart.
Unbelievable.
Mozart in the jungle.
Off we go, then.
(Whispers) Overture to The Magic Flute.
Ladies and gentlemen, fellas, we're very privileged this afternoon to have a Mozart recital by Jonathan Graham.
I haven't finished yet.
He's gonna start off with a little number from Mozart's biggest hit - the overture to The Magic Flute.
Take it away, Professor.
(Applause) As Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was born in Salzburg, where, naturally, everyone spoke German, I feel it is only right and proper that I should give it its proper name, which is, of course, as you all know, Die ZauberflÃte.
Yes, of course.
(# Opening chords) - (Stops) - Hooray! (Cheering and whistling) No.
It's only a musical pause.
Shut up! It's only a musical pause! (Continues playing) Sahib.
- What is it? - I must speak to you.
No, we mustn't interrupt Gunner Graham unless it's a matter of life and death.
It is a matter of death, sahib.
Oh, all right.
Excuse me, sir.
Sahib, this letter has come from Gunner Graham's father.
- Why is it open? - It got in the way of steaming kettle, sahib.
- How dare you? - Yes, how dare you? How much did she leave? "Dear Johnny, I expect you heard the news about your poor aunt.
"As you know, you were her sole heir.
"In her latter years, however, she became heavily involved "with the work of the Church Army, "and I'm sure you'll be happy to know she left her entire estate to them.
" Sir, does this mean that for two hours we's been listening to that cr drivel for nothing? I'm afraid so.
Shall I put him on a charge, sir? (Music ends) - Boo! - Boo! - Cup of hot char, sahib.
- Ah, thank you.
You know, Muhammad, I don't understand life at all.
A few days ago, they all turned against me.
I couldn't do a thing right.
And then, for some unexplained reason, they were all terribly nice to me.
Now they've all turned on me again.
There is old Indian proverb, sahib, which say false friends are like summer birds - they fly away in the cold weather.
So, if you want to see your true friend, gaze in the mirror.
Meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you With music and laughter to help you on your way To raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey With songs and sketches and jokes old and new With us about, you won't feel blue So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you We are here to make you feel gay So give us a cheer with a hey, hey, hey Just gather around and put down your gun With us around, there's plenty of fun So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you B-O, B-O-Y-S Boys to entertain you! # Land of hope and glory # Mother of the free (Williams) Shut upl