Last Man Standing s08e02 Episode Script

1 (GROANS) Nothing like an ice-cold beer - after a job well done.
- Yeah.
You know, the Brits like their beer warm and their cars are cruddy.
- I wonder if there's a connection.
- Ah.
They get a pass.
- They gave me Adele.
- Heh.
You know, man, thanks to us, this Corvair is as good as it was when it rolled off the assembly line in 1963.
- Actually - Yes! better.
Huh? - Ported and polished heads.
- Mm-hmm.
- This baby's an animal.
- Mm.
A slow, stupid little animal.
But still fast enough to roll over on Ralph Nader.
You know, that buyer Joe found for me is gonna be really happy.
That's 'cause he's done dealing with Joe.
- Mm.
- "Done dealing with Joe".
You add a pickup truck to that, that's a country song.
Got to admit, this - was a pretty good time.
- Yeah, why is it we don't argue when we're working on a car? 'Cause all we say is, "Give me a beer", "You need a beer?" "We got to get more beer".
I almost wish there was something wrong with my truck so we could have a project for next weekend.
Easily done.
I'll take a screwdriver and poke a hole in your radiator.
That's the best spaghetti you've ever made.
I licked my plate clean.
My tongue marks have actually turned this into a painting.
Look.
A sailboat.
Okay, well, what do you know? I'm married to Jackson Pol-lick.
Heh-heh.
Great food, bad puns our marriage in a nutshell.
You know, working on cars always puts you in such a great mood.
Or maybe it's just being trapped in the garage with all those noxious fumes.
Well, nothing like a CO2 and benzene cocktail.
Actually, working with Chuck had a lot to do with it.
- Hey, whoa, whoa.
Wow.
- Ooh.
I thought you always wanted to be alone with your cars.
You put an engine between Chuck and I, it turns out he's a lot of fun.
Look at you enjoying the company of humans.
Yeah, all right, just one guy, and don't forget the benzene fumes.
I think this is a very healthy change for you.
You know, as men age, strong social connections can help them live longer.
Ah.
Look at you wanting me to live.
Yeah.
But I think I figured out a way to add more of this to my life.
- Oh, I like that.
- I'm thinking of having a side business flipping classic cars with Chuck.
I'm liking it less.
The expansion at Outdoor Man has calmed down.
The kids are out of the house.
You want me to live longer.
Yeah, okay, but, you know, you've always found working on cars to be fun.
You need the escape.
It might ruin it - if you make it all about money.
- More money? (IMITATING THURSTON HOWELL III): What would we do with more money? We could add a second wine cellar to the yacht.
(IMITATING DICKENSIAN CHILD): A cellar? Oh, I'd give anything just to live in one! (NORMAL VOICE): Be gone, you little ragamuffin! And take the mice with you.
Get out.
Okay, all right, all right.
Look I'm just saying, you've had two great loves of your life: the outdoors and classic cars.
You're a solid number three, Lovey.
Wow.
I finally edged out Elway.
Oh, I forgot about Elway.
Listen, you-you've turned your love of the outdoors into a business, which which you still find fun.
But-but admit it, I mean, it can be kind of stressful.
And I'd hate to see that happen - with you and cars.
- All right, all right.
I can still keep it fun.
I will keep it And haven't you read that being married to a man that's having fun helps aging women live longer? No, no, no.
But I did read that men who call their wives "aging" tend to die suddenly.
Yep.
What are you doing? We're gonna get lunch as soon as Mom and Jen get here.
Tell that to the beast baby within.
Why would you not have cocktail onions? (DOORBELL RINGS) Ooh.
Hi.
Oh, what's with the boxes? Can you keep a secret? Your mom and I are porch pirates.
- Arr! - All right, she's kidding.
Look, I brought you the stuff you left in the basement.
Please tell me she left some cocktail onions down there.
They don't show this in the joyful pregnancy test commercials.
Well, thanks for bringing my stuff.
Did you also bring the mannequin? Oh, I'll bring it by tomorrow.
Your dad's been using it to drive in the carpool lane.
Hey, Mandy, what's this? Oh, that's our chore list.
Uh, since we have our own place, Kyle and I decided to split the housework.
My parents had a chore list.
I kept adding: "Let Jen watch Magic Mike".
Oh, but no dice.
Men taking off their clothes.
Big deal.
Show me a man putting away the clean dishes (GROWLS) Whoa.
Who's chore is it to take out the recycling, huh? Oh, technically me, but you can just leave it.
Kyle will take care of it.
Honey, I hope you're not making Kyle do all your chores.
No.
He likes it.
I-I just wait a little bit, and he steps in and he does it for me.
He's so sweet.
You're taking advantage of him.
Why are you surprised, Mom? She did the same thing to me growing up.
And then you both did the same thing to me when I got here.
And we loved you for it.
The difference is that Kyle likes doing it, okay? I-I'm just letting him do what he likes to do by not doing what I don't like to do.
I know English is my second language, but that sounds like a load of crap.
It's just like with the boxes.
You know, I left them in the basement, he brought them to me, everyone's happy.
Mandy, this is important.
You Can we go? You can run her life at the diner.
Okay? Come on, let's go.
- Larabee.
- Huh? Get in my office.
I want to talk to you.
I want to talk to you, too, but I was gonna be polite.
What's up? Listen, we both liked working on that Corvair.
Okay.
Don't worry, Baxter.
I saw you having fun.
I won't tell anybody.
Look at this website classic cars.
- Ah.
- What do you say we buy one of these, fix it up, use the profits to build another one? Man, that's funny, man.
I was thinking about turning this into a business, too.
No, like a side business just two guys funding their hobby.
It'll be fun.
Fun is my middle name.
I think you told me it was Marion.
I share too much when I'm working on cars.
But what if it wasn't just two guys? Damn, I-I'm barely able to work with you.
I don't think I could work with another guy.
I can't do What the ? Hey, Chuck.
You tell this numbskull we might let him work with us? Charles Marion Larabee what have you done? You invited Joe in on this, the most annoying guy in the world? What - Gilbert Gottfried was busy? - CHUCK: Okay, okay.
Joe, Joe, c-could you give us a second, man? - Sure.
- Okay.
I'm back.
(CHUCKLES) I'm just kidding.
Look, take all the time you want.
Remember we don't need Baxter.
Really? Joe? I wanted to keep this fun and simple.
Joe? Just simple.
I know he's annoying, but he's connected with gearheads all over town, and he's a very, very good mechanic.
All that would be great if it weren't Joe.
Since Joe set me up with the guy who bought the Corvair, technically, he's the one that got this whole ball rolling.
Guy drives me nuts.
I can't-I can't do it.
I can't.
I'm Hey, guy, you don't want to work with me, that's fine.
Okay? I'll tell my friend who was looking for a '68 Mustang Fastback to find somebody else.
- '68 Fastback? - Uh-huh.
Yeah, he wants to drop a 428 Cobra Jet in it.
I-I'm gonna regret this.
All right, Joe, you're in.
Yeah.
You said "urine".
Regret, regret regret.
(KNOCKING) KYLE: Oh! (GIGGLES) (LAUGHS) - Hey, Mrs.
B.
- Hi, Kyle.
Sorry, I'm just dropping that off for Mandy.
There's a guy who sits in Mr.
B's truck who has the same hat.
Thanks for bringing this by.
Hey, and I can walk you back down.
I'm getting ready to take out the recycling anyway.
Oh.
Right.
Uh, look, Kyle, I saw the, uh, the chore list that-that you and Mandy put up on the refrigerator.
Um, I could have sworn that recycling was Mandy's job.
Oh, yeah, yeah, it is, but, you know, it's been piling up.
And, uh, and I don't mind.
Besides, I I love the clinkety-clank of the recycling bag being carried down the steps.
(CLATTERING) (FORCED CHUCKLE) Yeah, small pleasures.
Uh, so, Kyle, uh, do-do you end up doing a lot of her chores? I guess so.
She forgets a lot.
But I like doing things for her.
Yeah.
Well, just curious I mean, how-how many of her chores does she actually do? Well, uh she doesn't do the laundry.
But she does leave it all over the bedroom floor.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
That way I don't have to go looking for it.
And, uh, she didn't clean the kitchen.
But she did sweep once.
But that's just because she broke a glass.
It Well, I guess it really wasn't sweeping as much as it was just kicking the pieces under the stove.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Uh, Kyle, I I don't want to insert myself into your marriage But? (CHUCKLES) Well, since you ask.
Uh Look, Mandy is using you, and-and it has to stop.
You think she's ignoring her chores on purpose? Does recycling go clickety-clank? - (CLATTERING) - Look, look, if Mandy's gonna do her fair share, you-you have to stop doing her chores for her.
Yeah, but she's so tall and pretty, so Oh, yeah, well, that is a factor.
Look but over time, Kyle, you might end up resenting Mandy, and resentments pile up, much like your recycling.
All right.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll put it all back the way it was.
But it is gonna take forever to un-crush all these cans.
Listen.
Okay, Joe, where are we gonna get this '68 Mustang? Yeah, my buddy had one of those, man.
It was a total chick magnet.
Yeah, my friend can't afford it anymore.
- Why? - Ah, the idiot's getting a divorce.
Well, maybe his wife wants it.
Tell her it's a chick magnet.
How'd you know that's why he's getting a divorce? Okay, so, we need another buyer.
Um, uh, okay, my brother-in-law always wanted a '67 Valiant.
(SCOFFS) Keep looking.
A '67 Valiant? That went out of style in '66.
Hey, how 'bout a Karmann Ghia? A little sports car could be nice.
We just finished a Corvair, man.
I want something with a little more meat on its bones.
Okay, okay, okay.
I'm sensing a problem here.
See, we couldn't agree on a-a business name, a logo or the best James Bond.
(IMITATES SEAN CONNERY): The answer's obvious.
(NORMAL VOICE): Timothy Dalton.
This is exactly why we need to put someone in charge.
You know, to make decisions.
Oh, not me.
I-I Too much stress on me.
I don't want to do it.
Well, that only leaves one person.
Joe.
(CHUCKLES) Joe? I hope you mean Joe Biden, 'cause I'd hate that a little bit less.
Come on, guys.
I can handle it.
Hey, you try putting six cats on the same feeding schedule.
Listen, Joe may not know science, history, logic grammar or social cues but he does know cars.
Come on, guys.
I got motor oil in my veins, all right? I-It's really just high cholesterol, but (MUTTERS) Look, fine.
Have at it.
It's yours.
As Goldfinger said so aptly, "No, Mr.
Bond.
I expect you to die".
Hang on.
If I'm the boss, there's gonna be some changes here, okay? First, we're all getting satin jackets.
I'm not wearing a satin jacket.
We're not gonna wear 'em.
And, second, I'd like to be addressed as "sir".
(GROANS) Come on, Joe.
We're all in this to have fun.
Whoa, whoa, what's with this "Joe"? I think the word you're looking for is "sir".
It's not the word I'm looking for.
Mike, why is Joe wearing a tie? Because, technically, he's the boss of our new endeavor.
Why is it a Christmas tie? He's probably just got the one, and he wants to make sure everybody knows who's in charge.
Ah, leadership.
Yeah, it's a heady cocktail.
Long hours, lazy workers, huh? (CHUCKLES) I miss it.
I just want to work on cars, right? I don't want to take orders from Joe.
I'm not one of his cats.
You know, when you're the boss, Joe's a pain in your ass, so why don't you return the favor? Well, how would that help anybody? Well, you like to annoy people, right? Sure.
Who doesn't? The nice.
And since you're not, this might be a good way to put the fun back into this.
I like it.
It's better than my murder plan.
(SHORT CHUCKLE) - That requires an alibi.
- Well This a good time for a meeting, Baxter? Doesn't matter.
A good time is when the boss says it is.
And, right now, he ain't the boss.
Happy holidays.
Sure, a good time for a meeting.
This is great.
I'm here to serve, boss.
Oh.
Well, you got a new attitude.
That's scary.
Now, I looked up how to start a business, okay? And we need a website - and a license.
- Whoa.
That's a that's a lot of business jargon.
Can you dumb that down a little bit? Well, there's a lot to do.
Uh, Chuck, - you're in computers - You just said "urine".
(CHUCKLES) He said "urine".
Can we cut the chitchat? I'm trying to run a meeting here.
Well, I guess I could take a crack at the website.
You just said "crack".
(LAUGHS) If you're looking for cocktail onions, - they're in the pantry.
- (GROANS) Don't even say those words to me.
We went to three stores to find the kind you like.
We thought you had a craving.
That was then.
Today, I'm feeling a brick of feta.
You broke my husband.
Oh, Mandy, you know what, you were tricking him.
It's not healthy.
Screw healthy.
We were happy.
That's because Kyle is always happy.
Yeah, well, that's one of the reasons I married him.
I don't have to work to make him happy.
He came that way.
Are you eating olives and whipped cream? What am I supposed to do? There's no feta! Anyway, thanks a lot, Mom.
Now I have to do my laundry, and some slob left it all over the floor.
Mandy, remember I told you my parents had a chore list also? Yeah, yeah.
That's because, in every culture, marriage is about work and shared responsibilities.
I mean, that's-that's what you were gonna say.
Right, Jen? No.
My mother loved flowers.
She grew roses in her garden.
And even though my father didn't care about flowers, he had to prune them and clip one for the dinner table every night.
After my mother died, my father continued to maintain her garden.
So I asked him why he still did this chore.
And he said, "It was never a chore.
It was my gift to your mother.
And now that she's gone, I can still give her this gift.
It keeps her close to me".
I know I'm really hormonal, but we're all about to burst into tears, right? That was beautiful.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna go home and give Kyle the gift of actually doing my chores.
(SIGHS) S-So, Jen, when you do chores for me, do you consider it a gift? Guess we'll find out when you're dead.
JOE: There he is, my favorite flunky.
There he is, my new pinhead boss.
What's up, Joe? - I got an announcement, okay? - Okay.
I'm quitting our car business.
Come on.
I bust your balls a little bit yesterday, now you want to quit? What are you, a snowflake? I always knew you were a flake, but not a snowflake.
Come on.
I'm not quitting because of your pathetic little jokes, you egomaniac.
I'm just sick of this boss stuff.
Well, kind of goes with the satin jacket, Joe.
Look, I don't want to deal with tax documents and websites and all that other crap, okay? I just want to work on cars.
(SIGHS) Look, you might not believe this, Baxter, but I don't I don't have a lot of friends.
I'll take your word for it.
I'm just uncomfortable around people, okay? When a car's around, somehow, it-it's easier for me.
It's a-actually fun, you know? Look, I know that probably sounds weird to you.
No.
That doesn't sound weird to me.
I mean, being boss just takes - all the fun out of it.
- Yeah.
That's why I didn't want to do it.
I know Larabee feels the same, too.
So who's gonna be the boss? Vanessa.
W I got an idea.
I got a good idea.
Excuse me for a minute.
- Ed.
Ed, listen, um - Yeah? what do you know about cars? I know how to buy a new one when they break.
Okay.
I'd like to nominate Ed to be the boss of our new endeavor.
- Oh.
Hell yeah.
- No, no, no.
- That's a great idea.
- No.
No, no, no, no.
I don't know anything about engines.
No, no, no.
You don't have to know anything about engines.
You said that being a boss is a - heady cocktail, right? - Yeah.
Well, how would you like to be our bartender? - I accept your nomination.
- Ah.
All right.
Prepare to be over-served.
Well, all those in favor of Ed being our new boss say "aye".
- Oh.
Aye, man.
- Aye.
- It's unanimous.
You're the skipper.
- All right.
Good.
- And you're gonna need this.
- ED: Oh.
(LAUGHS) I'm humbled by your faith in me, gentlemen.
All right, first order of business, pain in the ass flows one way: from me to you.
All right? All right.
Now that that's settled, uh, you'll excuse me, gentlemen.
I'm on my way to create a new folder on my desktop.
I'm gonna need that back on Easter and my mom's birthday.
I got some cop buddies to let us into the impound lot.
Let's go down there and check out the cars.
- Sounds like fun.
- CHUCK: Mm.
I don't like that impound lot.
They got too many dogs there.
Well, Joe smells like cats.
He goes in first.
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.
Talking about the importance of friendship.
Maybe it doesn't come easily for you.
Maybe you're shy or awkward or you're like me and you really just don't like people.
Okay, what you need to do is find common ground that makes other folks bearable.
FDR and Uncle Joe Stalin didn't have much to talk about at the 1945 Yalta Conference.
You see, one of 'em liked martinis.
The other preferred Molotov cocktails.
Until Frankie realized, "Hey, Joey, you like stealing property.
I like taxes.
We're both commie bastards!" The New Kids on the Block had their differences, but they were always able to put 'em aside, come together in a studio and record some of the worst songs in music history.
Yeah, we may have more that divides us than unites us, but, luckily, it only takes one thing to draw us together.
Now, I understand believe me how hard it can be sharing something you love with someone you don't.
I do it every April 15.
(MOUTHS) But unlike having your hard-earned money confiscated, forging friendships can actually help you live longer.
And if my motivation is keeping those bastards from collecting their death tax, hell, I might just live forever.
Baxter out.
(CHICKEN CLUCKS)