Live at The Apollo (2004) s08e02 Episode Script

This programme contains adult humour Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Rhod Gilbert! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello.
Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
Hello.
Good evening.
Good evening.
Are you well? CHEERING Welcome to Live at the Apollo.
Each and every one of you is very, very welcome here.
We have a wonderful show.
We have some famous faces as always in the audience.
Esther Rantzen is here.
Where are you, Esther? Look at that.
We have Olympians, ladies and gentlemen.
We have our Olympians.
CHEERING Who else? Tommy Walsh.
Tommy Walsh is there.
Look at that! Lembit Opik is here.
Of course he bloody is! I'm not going to pick on you.
I'm not.
I'm not.
No, I'm not! Somebody laughed at that idea.
I'm not going to pick on anyone.
I'm a reformed character, ladies and gentlemen.
I stand in front of you This is the new me.
I used to be quite a petty, angry person You may have seen me on television ranting and raving on the odd occasion.
I am not any more because I have had er, what is it? I've had anger management.
WHISTLING I have.
I've had anger management and this, ladies and gentleman, is the actual anger management diary that I had from when I was doing my anger management sessions.
I'm not going to embarrass anyone.
I'm not going to ask if you've had anger management or ever seen an anger management diary.
Basically, every time you get angry, you write it down in this diary.
It's a bit like a normal diary except every day somebody gets twatted, right? LAUGHTER I can guarantee you somebody gets the shit kicked out of them every day of my diary.
It's a sort of cross between Bridget Jones' diary and Mel Gibson's, if you can imagine such a thing.
And I'm going to take you through some of the entries in my diary Basically, the way it works is you go Well, I went every two weeks.
And in the interim, you leave the meeting and they give you an anger management diary and you have to write down every single time you got angry, who you got angry with, who said what to whom, how you could have avoided, what you've learnt from the whole experience I'm going to level with you.
Filling this out pisses you off more than anything else that happens in the two weeks.
Because it's tedious.
Every time you get angry, you've got to write it down.
And partly as well, there are stupid questions on this diary.
I know in every area of life, every form we ever fill in, there are stupid questions.
But bear in mind the context.
You're angry when you pick this up.
By definition, you are pissed off when you reach for this diary and then you come to questions like this, right.
Look at this shit.
Every incident, I had to fill this out.
On a scale of one to ten, where one is not at all angry and ten is feelings of very strong anger or rage LAUGHTER .
.
how angry would you say you were at the start of this particular incident? I've put, "What's the point in having a scale where one is not at all angry on a pissing anger management diary?" When are you going to get so wound up you think, "This is going straight in the diary.
Give me that bloody diary.
"Right.
One, not at all angry.
There you go.
" When is that going to happen?! If I'm honest, I was in the wrong frame of mind filling this out because if I read this diary out to you If you read all of it in chronological order, you would see that this worked over time.
If you're doing anger management or counselling, stick with it because I think it works.
It works out over time, but it doesn't work overnight.
And I'm going to read you some of the early examples from my anger management diary where I think you will detect from the tone that I'm not quite in the right frame of mind yet.
Let's see if you can hear it.
"Who or what" This is an early one.
"Who or what would you say was the main cause of your stress or feelings of anger on this particular occasion?" I've put, "First Great Western rail company "deciding that me popping to London on the train from Cardiff "should cost the same as an all-inclusive seven-night holiday in Spain.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE There we go.
I put in brackets, "For a family of 43.
" "In your own words," it says, "In your own words describe "how you felt at the time.
I've put, "Well, in my own words, "I felt like First Great Western had pulled my trousers and pants down, "bent me over the counter and force fed "an entire baseball bat into my bottom.
" LAUGHTER Can you hear the tone? Not quite in the right frame of mind.
Then it says, "What action did you take to combat the stress "or feelings of anger? For example, counting to ten "or breathing exercises.
" I put, "I wrote everything down "in this amazing anger management diary "and I instantly felt so relaxed I barely noticed "the last nine inches of bat going in.
" LAUGHTER This is not somebody who's in the right frame of mind, is it? Ladies and gentlemen of the wonderful Hammersmith Apollo, are you ready to welcome your first act of the evening? CHEERING Start cheering, start whooping and go wild and crazy for the wonderful talents that are Kerry Godliman! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow.
Hello.
How lovely! This is lovely.
I'm so happy to be to be here.
Generally, I like coming to work these days cos I love my job.
I like this job because I'm allowed to be sarcastic at work, you know, which I'm sure many of you do, but I'm contractually obligated to be sarcastic at work.
I used to do it in my old job.
I remember.
I was like, "Oooh, well done, Toby.
"That's a brilliant spaceship, you dick.
" LAUGHTER That is how I lost my job in the primary school, really.
It's weird.
Sarcasm is very popular, isn't it, in this country? We go mental for it.
We love sarcasm.
Sometimes I think it's too popular.
Sometimes I think it creeps into situations where it doesn't really belong.
I'll give you an example.
Recently, I was at the dentist and they had a poster in the waiting room and it said, "Question - do I have to floss between all of my teeth? "Answer - no, just the ones you want to keep.
" LAUGHTER I don't think sarcasm is appropriate in a medical context, really.
I mean, where do you draw the line with that? What if you're at the doctor's, in the waiting room and there's a poster on the wall and it says, "Question "can I eat all the pies?" "Answer - yeah, you carry on, you thick, fat prat.
" LAUGHTER That would be quite an aggressive campaign, wouldn't it? Although what's tragic is you wouldn't reel back in shock if you saw it in this country.
You'd be like, "Oh, right.
Well, I'll lay off the pies then.
" I've maxed out all my credit cards.
I love the adverts on the radio for credit cards when the woman's really excited and she's like, get this credit card cos it's brilliant and there's zero interest for nine long months and you can buy loads of stuff and you can go into absolute denial about debt and it might even make you come and then Right at the end, she goes, "Subject to availability, "fixed-rate variable APR, terms and conditions apply.
" What did you just say then? That's not a reasonable way of communicating, is it? You wouldn't tolerate being spoken to in that manner in any other situation in your life.
You wouldn't put up with it.
You wouldn't put up with it if, for example, you were out on a date and you thought to yourself, this bloke's attractive.
And he says to you, "I think you're attractive and I am solvent "and I've got absolutely no emotional baggage, "but I will be intending to take you up the arse, not return your calls and erode your self-confidence.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Sorry.
I didn't catch everything you said then.
You gabbled a bit then at the end.
"Don't worry, darling.
Do you want another little glass of wine? "Do hope you're game for a tit wank.
I'll be recording it for training purposes.
" That would be quite unsettling, wouldn't it? Initially.
LAUGHTER Push through.
The other quite nice thing about this job is not only am I allowed to be sarcastic, I'm allowed to exaggerate.
All comedians exaggerate.
It's quite a comedic conceit to use, exaggeration.
And women are very good at exaggerating, generally speaking.
We're a lot better than men at it, I think, apart from thecock stuff.
We're much better.
We're much better at exaggerating than men.
Women are very good at just slightly overreacting to arguably trivial things, We've got that covered.
You know when a woman puts her hand in her handbag to find her purse but she doesn't immediately find her purse? LAUGHTER "I've lost my purse.
I'm not being funny.
"I'm going to have to cancel all of my cards now and everything.
"Oh, hang on.
I've found it.
I found it.
"I hadn't checked the front pocket.
What am I like?!" You're like a prick.
LAUGHTER If we park a car in a car park and we don't find it straight away, we're like SHE GASPS "Someone's nicked the car.
"Babe, it's not where we parked it.
I am telling you.
Hang on.
It's there.
"Someone must have moved it.
" LAUGHTER We make that noise as well quite a lot SHE GASPS I make that noise when I'm in the car with my husband and he's driving.
SHE GASPS He goes, "What?!" I said, "I've forgotten my lipstick.
" He said, "I thought I'd killed a sodding child.
" I like being married as well.
I got married just over a year ago.
I enjoy being married.
It's, erm It's lovely.
I think I like it a lot mostly because I very vividly remember being single and I wasn't so good at that.
I was single for years, like years and years, before I met my bloke.
You know when women have been single for years they go a bit feral? I was a bit like that.
I used to ring up man-in-a-van numbers and go, "Don't bring the van.
You won't need the van.
" LAUGHTER But I was very nervous about getting married.
I was particularly nervous about becoming a Bridezilla.
That's what made me anxious I've seen a lot of that.
I've seen it happen.
Women that are normal one minute and then they get engaged and start planning their wedding and something clicks and they're like SHE GROWLS: "It's my day.
It's my day.
I want to be like a princess.
" So I was quite nervous about it and I waited a long time for my bloke to propose to me.
I had wanted him to propose in a spontaneous, unforeseen way.
I would have loved that.
But I did get sick of waiting for that, so in the end I clearly instructed him to propose to me in a spontaneous, unforeseen way.
It does get quite wearing, walking past sunsets going, "No.
Now.
Now.
Get down.
" "Oh, forget it.
Get up.
" We got there in the end, I kind of brought the topic up in a breezy way with him, as if I wasn't bothered.
I said, "Oh, yeah.
Hey, why have you never "Why have you never proposed to me?" SHE LAUGHS MANICALLY ANGRILY: Why have you never proposed to me? I want my day! And he was a bit bewildered, as you can imagine, to be honest.
He was like, "What?" He said, "Come on, Kerry.
"When we first met you said that you didn't believe in marriage.
"You said it didn't suit a post-feminist ideology "because it was rooted in the ownership of women.
" I said, "Did I? Did I say that? I don't remember I said that.
" He said, "Yeah, you said it didn't suit the autonomous "or spontaneous nature of the human experience.
" I said, "Well, screw that.
I've changed my mind, haven't I? "I said a lot of things at the beginning of this relationship "that I didn't mean and I did a lot of things that I don't do any more.
" LAUGHTER I said, "If you'd been listening carefully at the beginning of this relationship "you'd have heard me say that blow jobs will be subject to availability, non-fixed rate, variable APR" You've been absolutely delightful.
Do enjoy the rest of your evening.
Take care.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Kerry Godliman! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'll tell you who else we've got Where's Jeremy Edwards? There he is, little Jeremy Edwards.
Actor, Holby, Hollyoaks Anything recently? LAUGHTER Casualty.
Casualty? Oh, you've literally been in casualty? Yeah.
Not acting, you've just had an accident? How have you damaged your wrist so violently? LAUGHTER Punching a comedian.
Punching a comedian?! APPLAUSE Very nice, very nice.
I was reading about you I don't know if this is true because I Wikipedia-jobbed it.
Didn't you use to work in the canteen in Reading railway station? Yes, I did.
Yeah, yeah.
Really? What were you doing? Washing pots, big pots.
Washing pots? Yeah.
I bet they didn't call it that though.
They never do on the trains.
They never call a spade a spade.
They're full of shit on the trains.
I imagine you were a Fairy Liquid consultant or something, were you? Or a soap-sud distributor or a crockery-hygiene specialist? This is my current favourite on the trains, when they go, "Ladies and gentlemen, the buffet car is now open, "serving a selection of hot and cold snacks, teas, coffees, biscuits, crisps.
" Then I'm thinking, "Please say it.
" And then they go, "On board today we have our travelling chef.
" LAUGHTER Piss off! Travelling chef now, is he? That's awesome.
That's the biggest piece of bull Travelling.
Old toasty Geoff.
Fair play, toasty Geoff is now a travelling chef.
Have a look in his kitchen.
Normally, you don't get access to the world's top chefs' kitchens.
You can on the trains.
Stick your head round the counter.
You can see straight in.
Consists entirely of a microwave and a pair of tongs.
That's all he's got in there.
He's not a travelling chef.
I've a got a plastic spoon and a Tracker bar in my jacket pocket.
I'm not Marco Pierre White, right? "Who's that Who's that with the sandwich trolley, darling? "I think it's Heston Blumenthal! "Heston, I'll have a Twix!" Maybe, maybe it's just me.
Maybe you do get a Michelin star for turning round and passing somebody a Kit Kat, I dunno.
I'll tell you on thing I do know though, that you definitely don't get.
You definitely do not get You know the very best chefs in the world, they definitely don't have to close their restaurant to do a stock take just because two people in a row order an egg and cress sandwich, I'll tell you that.
I can laugh about it now but not back then when it happened.
We had a 40-minute ding-dong about that egg and cress sandwich because he wouldn't sell me an egg and cress sandwich because it was his last one and if he sold it to me, people wouldn't know he did egg and cress sandwiches.
That's the travelling chef, he wouldn't.
It's in my anger management diary, here we go.
It's in my diary.
This is a convoluted conversation.
You're just going to have to hang in there and follow it, all right? This is the conversation I had.
I said, "I'll have an egg and cress sandwich, please.
" Travelling chef, "I haven't got any.
" Me, "Yeah, there's one behind you on the shelf there.
" Him, "Oh, that's just the last one.
"That's to show the range of sandwiches we do, sir.
" Me, "What?" Him, "That's just to show the range of sandwiches we do, sir.
" Me, "Before we go any further, "can I just get this straight in my own head? "You're keeping an egg and cress sandwich on the shelf "to show that you do egg and cress sandwiches "but you're not doing egg and cress sandwiches.
Is that right?" He said, "They are in the range.
"We just haven't got any at the moment.
" I said, "You have.
I can see it.
"At the risk of this turning "into one of the shittest pantomimes of all time, it's behind you.
" APPLAUSE He said, "If that one goes, "people won't know we do egg and cress sandwiches.
" I said, "But you don't do them.
"I'm trying to get one and look at the state of me!" He said, "We do do them.
" I said, "Oh, good.
I'll have one then!" He said, "We haven't' got any.
" I said, "You have, you travelling, pissing chef! "I can see it I can see the cress sticking out from behind the egg.
"Either that or it's the worst mirage I've ever come across!" He said, "Look.
" He said, "Look, sir.
" He said, "It's quite simple.
" I thought, "Is it?" He said, "It's quite simple.
We'll be re-stocking later "and I want people to know we'll have egg and cress sandwiches "in the range once we've re-stocked.
" I said, "Well, once you've restocked "there'll be egg and cress sandwiches on the shelf, "won't there? Once you've restocked, there'll be egg and cress sandwiches "on the shelf and people will come along and they'll use "their eyes and their brains in tandem to assess the situation.
"They'll realise you do egg and cress sandwiches.
"you'll give them one and the whole thing will work like clockwork "but at the moment this system you're operating "is fundamentally flawed.
"You're only helping one group of people as far as I can see "and they are egg and cress sandwich spotters! "People who don't even want egg and cress sandwiches at the moment.
"They've just come to the buffet to investigate whether you'll have "egg and cress sandwiches in the future, "only by the time they're back you could be down to your last one again "and they'll have to go through all this shit with somebody else, "only they're going to be even more annoyed than I am "because they'll be in the frustrating position "of having gone to the trouble of verified the future availability "of egg and cress sandwiches earlier on, won't they?" APPLAUSE "What are you talking about?" I said, "Please" "Please, travelling chef" "Please understand "If that egg and cress sandwich isn't for sale, "just please take it down.
" "Either sell it or take it down but don't leave it up thereplease.
" Him, "Why?" Me, "Because you don't seem to understand "that not being able to have an egg and cress sandwich, "is far more irritating when you can see one right in front of you, "than when you can't.
" Him, "Why? Me, "Because, and I really believe this, "people are far more ready to accept "that you haven't got something "if they can't see it.
"For example, it hasn't crossed my mind "that you're doing a hog roast this afternoon.
"At no point have I wondered which of these lobsters "I'd like from the tank.
Him, "What lobster?" Me, "Exactly! Do you see how it works with your eyes, and my brain?" He said, "I can do you prawn.
If you like lobster, I can do you prawn.
" 20 minutes later I had prawn.
And I almost had a full nervous breakdown, when he, he passed me that prawn sandwich and he said, "Uh, that's my last one of those as well.
" Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready to welcome our final act of the evening? CROWD CHEERS Would you, please, give a warm Apollo welcome to the wonderful, Jon Richardson! APPLAUSE Hello.
CHEERING Who eats egg and cress sandwiches? Nobody does.
That's the first time I've ever watched a routine and thought, "You need to chill out, mate.
" I've just turned 30.
Not an interesting age but it's the age at which I realised I totally wasted my 20s.
Totally.
And I don't mean I spent them doing drugs and having sex.
I mean I didn't spend them doing drugsat all, ever! Never! I mean I did some sex, a couple of times but not And now I'll never get that time back.
Do you know one of the things I spent my time doing in my 20s? I cleaned the skirting boards of my flat, with an anti-bacterial wipe.
I'm never going to get that time again! I don't get to go back in time and go, "What are you doing? "Go and have sex with someone!" Cos I wouldn't have listened.
I'd've gone, "Who's going to want to have sex with me "when they see the state of these skirting boards?" I'm really trying not to lose my shit over things that I know really don't matter because it's sort of affecting my life.
I've moved in with some friends now because I spent 20s living on my own.
Didn't make me happy, and I thought, "I'll move in with some friends.
" And maybe that'll make me happy.
They're great people and my best friends.
I really like them.
The easiest way to describe them to you is that they are adults, who eat cereal at night time.
This is the kind of arsehole we're deal.
I've never seen it done in my life.
They get in from work and go, "Ooh, chocolate Wheetos!" "What are you doing? "You people are You can't eat chocolate Wheetos now.
"You're an adult.
Have some olives.
" "No, I don't like olives.
" "Nobody likes olives! "You don't eat olives because they're nice.
"You eat them to punish yourself for having survived this long.
" But I live with my fiends.
They're very happy people.
I like living with them.
They've made me a better person.
That's who they are.
This, unfortunately, is why they have to die and I have to be the one that kills them.
Because they won't learn.
They just won't learn.
Like we I'm too old now to have a rota, can't be bothered.
You live with people When you're younger, "Oh, there's a yellow sticker so you've got to wash the bath mat.
" I'd rather top myself than have that conversation now.
I don't care.
I'll just wash the bath mat.
When I see it needs washing, I'll wash it.
They don't know I've washed it.
They just get out of the shower and go, "Oh, that's white.
I thought it was brown.
" I don't say, "Oh, do you know why you thought it was brown yesterday? "Because it was matted with your pubic hair, that's why.
"Remember you came downstairs and you thought you'd put your slippers on? "You hadn't.
" That's an image that'll stay with you.
And when I see that needs doing, I don't care.
I just wash the bath mat.
I'm an adult.
I would happily do every chore in the house, wouldn't bother me to do everything, but I can't because I have to leave.
If you stay with someone all the time that's full-time care, not flat sharing.
That's not the commitment I went into.
So I have to leave the house and now, even now they're back there now, eating food and touching stuff, I can feel it.
They will clean some stuff, right, because they know it excites me or something.
They think it turns me on to watch them do chores.
I really would rather they didn't.
They wait until I'm relaxing, watching a bit of, I don't know, You've Been Framed or something.
The pains of the elderly to relax me of an evening.
"Go on, get on the pogo stick.
See how that ends.
" They wait until I'm just chilling out then and one of them will go, "Oh, I'm going to do the washing up!" And I have to sit there and think, "Yeah, so am I, "five minutes after you think you've done it.
" LAUGHTER Watch them They're just shit.
They just don't understand! Look at me, it's like a little lap dance! They're watching me going "Yeah, you see what I'm doing.
"Can you see what I'm doing?" "Yeah, I can see what you're doing.
You're doing a baking trey "when there are still wine glasses.
" How can you explain that to an adult who doesn't know? You can't because then the grease goes in and then the I try to do it subtly because Then I'm the arsehole.
"Oh, when you're washing the baking try.
" Just like the next night I'll go, "Mm, this Sauvignon Blanc's a bit pork and leeky.
" Just throw some bread crumbs out so they go, "He said his wine tasted like pork and leeks, "but then its me who had pork and leek sausages.
"But I washed my baking tray "But then I washed the wine glasses.
It's my fault.
" I say that and they say, "Oh, don't buy that one again.
" Noooooo! They didn't do it, you did it.
I didn't buy it because I read the label and it said, "This has hints of pork and friggin leek.
" "Do you know what this wine goes well with? Mashed potato!" There're some things that they do, I think there's no logic to that at all.
We'll be washing up, here at the sink, right, and I've put a little thing here.
It's like a bean tin but it's got holes in it.
So you put the cutlery in there and its altogether then.
You're not chasing it around and the water comes out the holes so you just take it away, right.
I'll watch them washing up, reach past this thing They can see it, it's there.
They would have to be blind in this eye and looking that way not to be able to see it.
They travel this extra distance to lay the cutlery flat on the side.
And I mean all the cutlery, including teaspoons, and not that way round.
That way.
So a little pool of shitty water dribbles down in to the teaspoon so it looks like its already got soup in it and then they walk over to the cutlery drawer and all I ask is that they put the cutlery away however you like, as long as its forks on the left, knives in the middle, spoons on the right, teaspoons on the bottom facing to the left, steak knives on the far left.
You can't fit the steak knives in the ordinary knife rack.
They're too long.
They have to go in there.
Lovely, sexy steak knives they are.
Sexy, jet-black handle and a long, serrated knife, grrr! They'll be putting them away and put some of them away, right? And think, "Oh, yeah, they go in there, don't they?" Then they think, "Urg, bored of this.
"Doing it right - huh! "I'm going to put this one in the knife rack.
"And then I'll take the paring knife "and I'm going to put the paring knife! "in there as if they look anything alike! "Fat, horrible grey handle on the paring knife.
"No serration on the blade.
Little, fat, stubby blade.
" And I think, "How have you done that?" But the only consolation I get is it's OK because that's the one I'm going to kill them with.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm going to grab that knife and I'm going to sneak up to their room in the middle of the night, and say, "Hello, I'm going to stab you now with this steak knife.
" "That's actually a paring knife.
" "SO YOU DO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!" It's been an absolute honour.
I've enjoyed this.
I hope you've enjoyed it too.
Take care.
See you soon.
APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Jon Richardson! Give it up for Jon Richardson, ladies and gentlemen.
That is the end of the show.
You've been watching Live At The Apollo.
Have you had a good night? CHEERING Just remains for me to thank the people you've seen.
We've seen Kerry Godliman.
APPLAUSE And Mr Jon Richardson, ladies and gentlemen.
I've been Rhod Gilbert, your host.
Thank you very, very, very much for coming each and every one of you! Thank you! Good night!