M*A*S*H (MASH) s08e02 Episode Script

[ Margaret .]
The bleeding is arrested, Doctor.
[ Hawkeye .]
Arrested and convicted.
Two counts of attempted escape with intent to clot.
[ Mulcahy .]
Anyone need fresh gloves? [ B.
J.
.]
I'm waiting for the after-Christmas sale.
[ Charles .]
I could use a pair, Father.
What for? Pretend the germs are poor and snub them off.
Ha ha, Pierce.
The rapier-like thrust of an armless D'Artagnan.
Oh, Colonel, you have a visitor.
Tell him to come back during visiting hours.
He's a congressional aide, sir, all the way from Washington.
He must be on important business.
Probably heard we were running low on red tape.
Well, personally, I'm thrilled to have someone come all the way from Washington.
I'm not.
Some flunky probably trying to rustle up votes for his boss.
Hope he can wait a couple of years.
Most of these kids aren't old enough to vote.
Well, he's waiting outside, sir.
What shall I tell him? Would you keep him company? I can't ask this kid to wait.
Right now he can't hear me.
Very good, sir.
Oh, and if anyone needs more gloves, I'll be glad to give you a hand.
[ Chuckling .]
Pierce, Hunnicutt, you two have been a rotten influence on that man.
- I'm surprised you didn't get my letter, Colonel.
- I'm not.
My regular company clerk is on R & R.
The fella who's supposed to be filling in for him has his own system.
A pile for everything and everything in its pile.
I understand, Colonel.
Believe me, my concerns are more important than neatness.
So are his.
Now I know you didn't come to Korea for the opera season.
Quite true.
You see, Congressman Daniel Lurie-- Are you familiar with him? I can't, uh, say that I am.
I don't get to read a lot of papers here.
The newsboy keeps throwing 'em in the minefield.
The congressman is very interested in the war effort.
He's concerned that everything goes smoothly.
- He's intent on getting our boys the proper support.
- And he's up for reelection.
Sir, I think you'll find that this is more than just political grandstanding.
[ Chuckles .]
That's what all you cloakroom boys say.
Colonel, this is important.
I want to talk to your people, study the inner workings of this unit.
Well, do what you have to do.
Just don't get in our way when we're working.
- Your people won't even know I'm here.
- Fine.
And another thing.
Don't expect this to be a spit-and-polish outfit.
We're a little disorderly here.
But we get things done.
Thank you, Colonel.
''Colonel Says Hello to Visiting Fellow.
'' Klinger, what the devil are you doing? Sir, it's for the Stars and Stripes photo contest.
First prize is $500, two weeks in Tokyo and a date with Marilyn Maxwell.
I got a dress that's perfect for her.
Williamson, meet my very temporary company clerk.
Klinger, did I get a letter from Mr.
Williamson? - Oh, uh, yes, sir, Colonel.
- I don't remember seeing it.
When it came, sir, you were out.
So I put it in the ''Out'' box.
- Course, now that you're in-- - Uh-huh.
Now, would you show our visitor to the V.
I.
P.
tent? Immediately, sir.
I knew right away you weren't one of us.
Your clothes fit.
As a matter of fact, I work for a congressman.
Wait a second.
Did you say congressman, as in Washington, D.
C.
- go to Baltimore, take a left? - Klinger, get moving or I'm gonna take a picture called ''Former Corporal with Camera Up Nose.
'' I can hardly believe it.
I've never been so close to an actual congressman.
A man with his finger on the pulse of the nation.
Well, actually, I'm not the congressman.
I'm just his aide.
Of course, I do have his ear.
Well, I've never been so close to a man who has the ear of the man with his finger on the pulse of the nation.
Thank you.
It is important work.
I've always felt that I'm married to my country first and my wife second.
How nice.
How can I help you? The congressman has asked me to talk to a few people, get their impressions about the war and I thought that you would be the ideal person to start with.
I'm told that you are especially knowledgeable about this unit.
Well, I guess you might say I have my finger on the pulse of the MASH.
[ Chuckles .]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
How do you feel about being here? Very proud.
I mean, to be a woman with the rank of major stationed so close to the Korean front it could only happen in America.
What about the staff here? Is it adequate? The best.
You won't find a better staff in a stateside hospital.
Oh, I know Pierce and Hunnicutt, uh, may be a little short on military discipline.
- Who? - Doctors Pierce and Hunnicutt.
I haven't had the pleasure yet.
Pierce and Hunnicutt.
Is that two T's? Oh, uh, please.
I hope I haven't given you the wrong impression.
They're both first-rate surgeons.
It's just that they like to do crazy things.
Oh, really? What do you mean? Oh, well, they like to show up for roll call in their bathrobes.
They keep a still in their tent.
They once ran all my underwear up the flagpole.
But I want you to understand, it's an honor to serve with these men.
They sound very interesting.
Where would they be now? I guess Captain Pierce would be in post-op.
It's right across the compound.
You can't miss it.
It's filled with people getting better.
[ Both Chuckling .]
- Over there.
- Thank you, Major.
You've been most helpful.
- Glad to be of service.
- [ Klinger .]
Hey, Washington.
! - Glad to be of service.
- [ Klinger .]
Hey, Washington.
! From your eyes to the congressman's ear.
- Have we met? - Colonel Potter's office.
Remember? But you weren't dressed like this.
It's a man's prerogative to change his mind.
Klinger, you're disgusting.
This man is a congressional aide.
You're telling me? Now, sir, obviously a guy like me is unfit to defend his country unless we're attacked by the House of Dior.
- So, uh, what do you think? - Klinger, you're crazy.
Don't coach him.
Let him make his own decisions.
Sir, why don't we run and phone your boss? Tell him I can be packed and out of here in two hours.
Make that three-- I'd like to dye my pumps.
Sorry, soldier, but Section Eights are not within the congressman's purview.
- Now, if you'll excuse me, Major? - Certainly.
How do you like that? All dolled up and no place to go.
[ Williamson .]
I hope you don't mind.
Don't be silly.
It's fun answering all these questions.
Although I should warn you-- military secrets are extra.
Do you have a pen I could borrow? No, I'm sorry.
That's a military secret.
Oh, what the heck.
I never could keep a secret.
Well, how are we today? - [ Speaking Chinese .]
- What is he saying? Either he's thanking me for saving his life or his shorts are too tight.
- Is that Chinese he's speaking? - That's right.
Do you always treat enemy soldiers? Of course not.
Only if they're sick.
- Okay, see you later.
Remember, no bowling for a week.
- [ Speaking Chinese .]
Any instructions, Doctor? Yeah.
Meet me in X-ray in an hour and wear something filmy.
Now, that is a very attractive woman.
Oh, sure, she looks great in a uniform.
But take it off and she's wearing nothing.
Um, Captain, I'd like to ask you a few more questions.
May I? Yeah, sure.
I was just on my way to my tent.
Come on.
You've had your shots, haven't you? Well, here's the place.
- Nice.
- We're very proud of it.
It's just been condemned by the Board of Swine.
Which brings us to my roommate-- B.
J.
Hunnicutt.
B.
J.
Hunnicutt, R.
Theodore Williamson.
- R, B.
J.
B.
J.
, R.
- Hi, R.
Now we're on a first-letter basis.
You guys sure are fast with the repartee.
Mr.
Williamson is from Congress.
The home office of the war? Oh, then you'll be happy to know wounds are up 25%.
Hey, I think I know what that sense of humor is covering up.
- Oh, really? What? - Let's be serious.
Is there anything that we on Capitol Hill can do to improve things for you? Yeah, now that you mention it, we could use a good dermatologist.
Do you realize we're sending soldiers to the front with pimples? [ Chuckles .]
Now, I'm not gonna be able to help you guys if you keep on cracking jokes.
I-I know the equipment here is first-rate.
We made sure of that.
But what about the personnel? Is everyone as dedicated as you are? - Ah, what do we care? - Come on, every unit has its deadbeats, its malcontents.
Malcontents? Here? This close to Ouijongbu, the Hoboken of the Orient? Okay, okay, I know it's no picnic.
But let's get back to the people.
What about the fellow you share this tent with? Winchester? Ah, R.
Theodore, there is a true man among men.
Absolutely.
But more than a man, he's a prince.
- Tell me about him.
- He used to be a frog.
Mere words cannot describe Charles.
Charles must be experienced.
It was the final chukker.
Suddenly, the ball lay frozen on the turf.
It was now or never.
I spurred my horse.
''On, Pegasus!'' I cried.
[ Imitating Hoofbeats .]
I feinted one way, but I drove the other, stroked the ball home to put Amherst in its place once and for all.
That's fascinating, Major.
But I'm really more interested in your life after Boston.
Mr.
Williamson, there is no life after Boston.
- ''Still Life on a Shingle.
'' - Klinger, get out of my way.
Oh, how about a quick one of you, Major? - ''Head Nurse Stokes Up for Heavy Duty.
'' - Klinger, I'm warning you.
Even better, ''Tempers Flare as Dinner Approaches.
'' You want a picture? Get a close-up of this.
Do you want gravy on that? There's enough double-talk at that table for four conversations.
Williamson's finding out the most interesting thing about Charles is he's boring.
You know, it's not my nature to be suspicious but I found some of Mr.
Williamson's questions highly personal.
- I find his person highly questionable.
- What did he ask you, Father? Well, he kept prodding me about the people here.
Was I aware of anyone not performing well not pulling his weight, any malingerers.
What's wrong with that? He's just trying to see that we're not wasting any money.
I bet that's it.
He's looking for places to cut the budget.
Truman's decided that half a buck stops here.
Oh, terrific.
A MASH unit is the perfect place for a budget cut.
Now you don't know that that's what he's here for.
Why else is he asking all these questions about us? Maybe everything's going so well here they've decided to open a branch war.
- Why don't you ask him? - The direct approach.
What a sneaky trick.
You should be ashamed of yourself, Father.
We'll do it.
Well, if it isn't the Hardy Bores.
Excuse us, Williamson, but we're on a simple fact-finding mission.
What the hell are you doing here? Why, I'm visiting throughout the unit, getting to know you people.
You didn't come all this way just to be folksy.
What are you doing in Korea? We're very concerned about how you boys are doing over here.
Oh, no, Williamson, it goes much deeper than that, doesn't it? Maybe deep enough to cut a few of our key personnel? Gentlemen I think we should finish this discussion in the presence of your commanding officer.
Well, if it isn't budget cuts, what in Sam Hill are you here for? Gentlemen, in my work for Congressman Lurie I have unearthed some news that will come to you as a severe shock.
The real enemy we are fighting is within America itself.
Oh, wait a second.
Suddenly, it all makes sense.
We're in the wrong country.
It's not North and South Korea who should be fighting.
It's North and South Dakota.
- We could be going home weekends.
- Will you two put a lock on it? I think this boy's got something serious stuck in his craw.
Right, Colonel, this is quite serious.
Congressman Lurie has obtained incontrovertible evidence that this MASH unit is harboring a Communist sympathizer.
One of my people a Commie? Who are you talking about? Major Margaret Houlihan.
- Margaret Houlihan? You got to be out of your mind.
- Are you crazy? How could you say such a thing? I've always done my best to be a model American! I'm a commissioned officer in the United States Army! For your information, the Communists have infiltrated our country at the highest levels.
We've found them in the State Department.
We've found them in theJustice Department-- At Woolworth's, you'll find them in the Notions Department.
Now, Major I wonder if you recall the name of another model American-- one Walter Philip Crichton? You mean Wally Crichton? Our investigations show that you and he were quite close.
We dated.
But that was ages ago.
He was in college, and I was a student nurse.
Wasn't it more than that? Were you not constant companions for two years? Did you not accompany him to dances, parties motels? I resent that implication! We never went to a motel.
Wally had a Nash.
Look, sonny, what's the big deal about an old fling? For your information, Walter Philip Crichton has been named as a subversive by the House Committee.
Wally Crichton? What could he have done that's subversive? Walter Philip Crichton was a founding member of an organization called ''Freedom for Tomorrow.
'' Freedom? Disgusting.
Next thing you know, they'll be threatening us with liberty and justice for all.
This woman had a long-term, intimate relationship with a known Communist.
Had the same friends, shared the same interests.
There you have it-- ironclad innuendo.
- Where there is smoke, there is fire.
- Yeah.
Just askJoan of Arc.
Williamson, your whole case is a busload of bushwa.
You're talking about the finest nurse I've ever scrubbed with.
And you haven't said diddly-squat about anything she's done - to undermine this MASH.
- I haven't done anything.
Yes, I dated Wally.
He was funny.
He was a kind, gentle, decent boy.
There was nothing subversive about it.
Then, it's really a simple matter.
All you have to do is tell me who some of Mr.
Crichton's other friends were.
- What do you mean? - Simple.
I want the names of people he associated with.
- Where they went, what they did.
- That was a long time ago.
There were so many friends.
Some were Wally's; some were mine.
I-I can't remember names.
What makes her personal life your business anyway, Williamson? Colonel, if the major really has nothing to hide a few simple questions aren't going to do her any harm.
Major, would you characterize yourself as a patriotic American? Absolutely.
And you consider Communism the principle threat to our way of life? - Yes, I do, but-- - And if someone known to you supported the Communist cause, would you not, as a patriotic American want to bring that person to the attention of the authorities? Yes, of course, but these people-- Now, we needn't discuss this here.
Take your time.
Think about it.
What if she can't remember any names? The major is an intelligent, well-motivated woman.
She'll remember.
Okay, let's say she can remember.
What if she just doesn't want to tell you? Well, if she chooses not to cooperate I would have no choice but to subpoena her to testify before the committee.
Testify before the committee? You've read about the committee.
They make it very simple for you.
You can either hang yourself or your friends.
Or both.
Whatever you do, just showing up can cost you your career.
Mm, please.
Wait a minute.
Let me think.
- Don't tell this snake anything.
- Bad advice.
By her silence, she would be implicating herself in the Red Menace.
Don't tell us about the Red Menace! We're up to our ankles in it.
It comes out of those kids you keep sending us.
I'm a reasonable man.
I'll be here for two more days.
That should give the major ample opportunity to jog her memory which shouldn't be too difficult for a model American.
Uh, excuse me, miss.
Do youse come here often? You sure you two want to be seen with me? Are you kidding? You think I want to be seen with him? He eats with his fingers.
I can't let them eat alone.
You know, I've been thinking about those people Williamson wants me to name.
- I'll bet you have.
- They were all such fun.
George Pfister, president of his fraternity he was pinned to four girls at the same time.
Must have been murder going through the revolving doors.
Emily Kingsley, majored in chemistry.
Collected Russ Columbo records.
Buddy Gurlack.
He was the school chugalug champ.
An obvious threat to national security.
Margaret, I think it's your duty to make the world safe from campus cutups.
Those people meant an awful lot to me.
How could I put them through a thing like this? Hey, you can fight this guy.
We'll help you get a good lawyer.
I can't do that.
All I can do is resign my commission.
Fighting would just make that worse.
Are you crazy? Williamson's case has more holes in it - than I have in my combat boots.
- And it doesn't smell as good.
It's not me.
It's my father.
He was so proud of me when I made major.
If I go before that committee, win or lose, I'll be publicly humiliated.
Maybe I could live with that but I could never live with what that would do to my father.
Margaret, you can't just cave in like this.
I have no choice.
Excuse me.
I've lost my appetite.
[ Coughs .]
What kind of gin do you use? The less you know, the better.
- Three scotches.
- Two scotches, one cognac.
Two scotches, one cognac.
- You men seem subdued.
- Huh? - What happened to the jokes? - I guess nothing's funny anymore.
You know, this hasn't been very pleasant for me either.
I've had to accept that what I'm doing can be very unpopular.
If you're looking for sympathy, you're with the wrong crowd.
I understand how you feel.
You regard Major Houlihan as a friend.
But in this committee's fight against treason we have learned that even friends must be suspect.
Sir, I am so conservative that I make you look like a New Dealer and I must tell you that to suspect Margaret Houlihan of political subversion is absurd.
- To suspect Margaret Houlihan of political anything is absurd.
- You're wasting your time, guys.
Look, Williamson, Margaret didn't date a subversive.
She dated Wally.
A guy.
She also dated half the generals in the Pacific.
Does that make her a West Pointer? Do you expect me to believe that she knew nothing about Crichton's politics? Be assured, Williamson Margaret's interest in a man is kindled by passion, not by politics.
If Hot Lips dated Joe Stalin the only thing she'd remember about him is that his mustache tickled.
- Hot Lips? - Yeah, that's a nickname she picked up.
- Don't you have that in your dossier under aliases? - No.
There's a lot you don't know about Margaret.
Why don't you leave her alone? Let her do the things she likes to do like nursing and having a good time.
- Having a good time? - Having a great time.
- [ Chuckles .]
- All very interesting, gentlemen.
But promiscuity is hardly what I would call a defense.
[ Knocking .]
- Mr.
Williamson.
- Major, I-- I hope I'm not disturbing you.
No, it's-- Please excuse the way I'm dressed.
I was just going to bed.
- This won't take long.
I promise.
- What is it? You have some rather staunch friends.
They've been defending you most avidly.
I thought perhaps we should discuss your case again.
- May I come in? - Well, I suppose so.
I haven't sent any papers to Washington yet.
Well, you might just as well.
It's all true.
I dated Wally Crichton.
I enjoyed it.
Is that a crime? Major, I know how you must feel.
Angry, confused, alone.
- But there are ways to work these things out.
- What ways? You could get help from someone who is experienced in these matters.
Someone with the right contacts in Washington.
- Who? - Someone who has a congressman's ear.
You? Would help me? If only I-- I was sure that you are the sort of person that everyone says you are.
- I am.
I'm just like they say.
- But I know so little about you.
I-I need to learn more than I could from some cold, impersonal document.
- Well, tell me what I can do.
- We need to be closer, Margaret.
Much closer.
- Closer? - Right.
''V.
I.
P.
Makes Major Mistake.
'' - What was that? - It's 1 0:00.
- Did someone flash? - Uh! Uh, uh - there-- there is someone in that wall locker.
- There is? - Oh, my.
You must-- - You're right, they're everywhere.
Klinger, is there someone in here? No, I've been in here 20 minutes, and I haven't seen anybody.
What is he doing with that camera? He appears to be rewinding.
What, pray tell, were you doing? You want to grab her one more time? I think I got your bad side.
What the hell is going on here? We thought your wife might appreciate some photos of your fact-finding tour.
- Suitable for hanging.
- Oh! You wouldn't stoop to blackmail! What about you, you lecherous hypocrite? You're so sure I'm a Communist, but for a little tumble, you'd let me off the hook? Don't be absurd.
I would never have let you off the hook.
You mean you were gonna-- and then you--you creep! - Get out of here! - Wait a minute.
- It's three poses for a quarter.
You've still got two to go.
- We could take one of each face.
Enjoy your jokes, people.
But you have been duped by a Communist sympathizer.
What a coincidence.
So have you.
[ All Laughing .]
I just got the Stars and Stripes with the photo contest in it.
The big winner was a cheesecake shot of a WAC called ''The Best Body in Seoul.
'' Obviously good taste was not a prerequisite.
Must be very brave though.
She's wearing two Distinguished Service Crosses.
- Yeah, and isn't that other one the Fantastic Conduct Medal? - Revolting.
- How'd yours do, Klinger? - Never sent 'em in, sir.
I lost them somewhere between my ''In'' box and my ''Out'' box.
But I got some good news though.
Here, read this.
''Scandal Rocks Capitol Hill.
- ''Congressman Daniel Lurie-- - Huh? ''Caught in Washington love nest with aide's wife.
- Ha! - '''My-- My husband drove me to it,' sobbed a tearful''-- [ All .]
''L.
Shirley Williamson.
'' - [ All Laughing .]
- Listen-- Listen to this.
''I needed more than a man who's married to his work first and me second.
'' Well, that seems fair.
He had the congressman's ear, and she got everything else.