My Family (2000) s08e02 Episode Script

Here.
Got something for you.
- It's from Alfie.
- Oh, God.
(Welsh accent) "Dear Mr Harper, blah blah blah, blah blah blah" "Wales, barnyard" Oh, my God! A cheque! For me?! It's back rent for the last couple of years.
Sorry about this, Mikey.
Alfie just became my favourite.
He's not even your son.
Money's thicker than blood, Mikey.
Money's thicker than blood.
(Humming) Oh, Ben Harper, this is your lucky day! (Singing under his breath) Oh! Turn there Ahem.
Morning.
We're closed.
Sorry.
Closed, at half past nine in the morning? Go away, turn around and walk out of the door.
Look, lady, I'm sorry if you're having a bad day but I'm not going anywhere.
I've got a very large cheque to pay in and there's a certain DVD of Jeremy Clarkson in a World War II tank driving around Wentworth golf course that's not gonna buy itself and I'm telling you now, that man is seriously hilarious.
Listen I'm gonna give you one more chance to get out.
Look, my dear, my name is Ben Harper, all right? I'm a paying customer at this bank and to be honest with you, I'm sorry, I don't like your attitude.
Right.
OK, I think I'll go actually.
Get in there.
And put your hands up! Act normal.
This is what I normally do when I have a gun pointed at me.
Gary! Get out here.
Looks like we've got ourself a smartarse.
Says his name's Ben Harper.
(People groaning, muffled) Well, how did he get in here? He got in, Gary, because some numb-nut forgot to lock the doors.
Well, excuse me Joan, but I was a little bit busy putting the rest of the staff in the interview room.
Why do you never remember the simple things? It's the adrenaline.
You know it gets me confused.
(Phone) (Ringing continues) Oh sorry.
That's me, sorry.
Oh look, it's the wife.
Ha ha! Sorry, better take this.
I'd have done the same.
Probably the best.
This bloke's gonna be trouble.
Why don't I just do him right now? (Staff cheering) Easy! (Sighs) Ah Morning.
- Not a good one though, is it? - Not really.
- Jim.
Jim McKenzie.
- Ben.
Ben Harper.
Well (Chuckles) The irony is, those two idiots out there are no better than the morons who normally work here.
Peter Warwick.
I'm the manager.
Obviously not you.
Sort of, more the staff.
This is Belinda Smith, my chief cashier.
Oh, we're all familiar with Mr Harper.
Didn't realise I was such a popular customer.
Yes, something like that.
The Royal National Bank is not a huge fan of sarcasm, Belinda.
Peter, wake up.
We're being robbed, for God's sake.
Which is precisely why we shouldn't start turning on each other.
That's right.
I think he's absolutely right, Peter, well done.
I think we're all in this together and we should stick together.
OK, and if one of has, say, um oh, a cheque that they haven't had chance to pay in, I think we should all sort of come together and help pay that cheque in.
OK.
I've decided I'm going to consolidate all my debts and amalgamate the money I owe into a simple, manageable monthly sum, that may not be as much as I imagined.
You've been watching a lot of daytime TV, haven't you? Those adverts are really starting to make sense.
So what do you think? Janey, you need to be smarter with your money and put it into a product that will pay you back.
Oh, I know exactly what you mean.
The lottery! I don't think I can stand any more of this.
Listen, mate, between you and me, I think we can take him.
I should hope so.
He's only the bank manager.
No, I'm talking about the thug with the gun.
- The thug with the what? - The thug with the gun.
What's he talking about? I'm saying, you and me take him out - drop him like a bad habit, grab his gun, - then go for his bird.
- Is he insane? The man's got a shotgun.
Oh, we can do it! I'm ex-army.
Desert Storm.
I'm dentist.
Pink mouthwash.
I haven't punched anyone since I was, what Ten? I've got a customer loans adviser with a black eye who'd beg to differ.
That was a perfectly reasonable loan application.
OK? And that man did not have a shotgun.
- Coward.
- Don't you call me a coward.
Listen, you lot I will not be railroaded into some suicidal attempt to overthrow and armed robber! (Gary) I heard that! Nice going, idiot! Frankly, Mr Harper, I don't think this bank wants your custom any more.
So come on then.
Which one of you lot is gonna try and jump me then? - Not me, that's all I'm saying.
- Oh, there's a surprise.
Shut it! The lot of ya! Unless you wanna wind up dead! - Hm.
Wouldn't that be a tragedy? - Oh, that's nice, isn't it? All the thanks I get for having a 20-year-old overdraft.
You! Come here! Dad! Oh my God! Can you believe it?! There's no queue! Oh my God! - Hi, Janey.
Janey, Janey, Janey, Janey - Yeah? That's not the last time you're gonna say "Oh my God" today.
- Why? - Janey, look at me.
We are being robbed.
- Oh my God! - And again.
- Oh my God! - Janey.
And again.
Hands up! And you You! How many times do I have to tell you, lock the bleedin' doors! Why is it, whenever anything goes wrong, it's always my fault? Because it always is, Gary.
- Excuse me.
- I'm so sorry.
I'll get out of your way.
- Oh Are you all right? - I think so.
It's just a bit of a shock.
Don't worry, it's all right.
Just relax, stay calm.
I'm here.
It's all right.
Just trust me.
OK.
Do you know, it's funny.
I always thought you'd be the one to pull a gun in a bank.
I'd have put money on it.
There! Locked.
OK? Finally.
Shall I frisk this one? - No.
- I think I should.
Leave it, Gary! Why do you always get like this whenever we do a bank job? You know what this is? This is Sidcup all over again! Sidcup? Don't you dare talk to me about Sidcup! It's like being at home, isn't it? - You all right there? - Yeah, not so bad.
You? Yeah, I can't complain.
Gary, you're a 100 per cent cast-iron muppet! Oh, that's charming, that is! Her ladyship swans around whilst muggins here does all the work! Excuse me, light of my life! But I've been counting all the cash, haven't I? (Muttering angrily) - So how's Mum? She all right? - Mum? Yeah, she's not too shabby.
- Dad, where is she? - She's um She's in, er Abroad.
So, shall we just sort of mosey along to the old front door while no one's looking - and perhaps unlock it and skedaddle? - Yeah, might as well.
Take one more step and I'll do both of you.
- Come here! - All right, please, just calm down, everybody.
You're in charge, there's nobody here telling you what to do.
(Loudhailer) Put down your weapons.
This is the police.
We have the building surrounded.
Except them.
(Doorbell) Mrs Harper? - Excuse me? - Sorry, I mean, "Is Mrs Harper in?" She's away, I'm afraid.
I'm her son Michael.
Can I help? Er, I'm Penny Bishop.
I'm a family liaison officer.
I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you.
Can I come in? It appears your father may have been involved in a bank robbery.
So, he finally snapped.
Well, it was only a matter of time.
I suppose you want my permission to shoot him.
No.
No No, er He's actually a hostage.
Really? Cool.
Well, I'm here to lend you emotional support and to sit with you given that this can be quite a stressful experience.
Ooh.
But you seem to seem to be handling this pretty well so maybe I should head off.
Oh, no.
Wait I'm just putting on a brave face.
Outside I'm a rock inside I'm falling apart.
I don't think I should be left alone.
Would you like a drink, Penny? (Ben) Ooh, OK.
All right, calm down.
Hello, back again.
Hi.
Oh, this is Janey, my daughter.
Oh my God.
He's reproduced.
Well, I know I'm new.
But I'm very, very keen to fit in.
I hope you'll all accept me as if I were in this from the start.
Janey, this is not Big Brother.
Just sit down.
So, you're the manager? Yes, that's right.
Well, seeing as we're stuck here Excuse me.
I was wondering if I could talk to you about how I can manage my overdraft more responsibly.
- I've changed my mind, she's not my daughter.
- Shut up, Dad, this is serious.
- So, what would you recommend? - Well Obviously you need to phone the bank and speak to one of our advisers.
But you're here.
Yes, but the way the system works is that your daughter needs to telephone the bank, simply select option three from the keypad, then one, then four, and she'll be put through to the first available person.
You're available now.
Yes, but I'm not able to talk to individual customers.
But hello? You're already talking to one.
That is correct but I'm not available to give advice.
Busy, are you? No, I'm just saying that's not what I do.
So what exactly do you do? - I'm the bank manager.
- Which means what exactly? Well I manage the bank.
And may I say, you're doing a fantastic job of it as well.
(Phone) Well, I'm not gonna answer it.
You answer it.
Get that bloke to answer it.
Which one? The really annoying one.
Harper! - Come over here! - What? - (Ringing continues) - Erm, OK, here I come.
Sorry.
Answer the phone.
(Ringing stops) Oh, that's just great.
I'm sure they'll ring back.
They will.
They'll-they'll ring back.
They're bound to ring back.
Well, for your sake, let's hope they do.
Well, nice day for it, don't you think? Nice sunny day for the old bank robberino.
I mean, you wouldn't want a car chase in wet weather, would you? Ahem.
See the game last night? They were robbed.
No, I shouldn't have said I mean, not Have you ever thought of wearing a mask? Here's a list of our demands.
- OK.
- When the police ring back and you answer, don't tell 'em your name.
- Or ours.
Got it? - Sure.
- (Phone) - Erm? Go on.
Hello, Royal National Bank? (Mouths) Yup, er Sorry? Yeah, OK.
Yeah, I'll ask.
Is this branch open on Saturdays, do you know? Oh, for crying out loud! No, obviously not and we're being robbed, I do apologise.
Goodbye.
You do that again and I'll snap your leg off and beat you to death with your own foot.
Seriously, mate.
I've seen her do it.
(Phone) Erm Hello? Er, no, I'm not one of the bank robbers but apparently I am authorised to speak for them.
Yes, I have a list of their demands.
(Chuckles) They want, um They want a helicopter.
- That's filleted? - Fuelled.
Sorry, fuelled and ready to leave immediately.
Oh, and firstly they'd like some food delivered.
Yeah.
Erm Er, pizza, Thai, Chinese? - What about Indian? - Indian? OK.
I'll ask.
Yes.
He's asking, what about Indian? Mm-hm.
No.
Apparently they don't do Indian.
- Chinese! - OK.
Sure.
They'll have Chinese.
Yeah.
We'll all have Chinese.
Yeah.
Well, I dunno.
Er, set meal? Few dumplings and some prawn crackers? Oh, and I'll have sweet and sour pork.
What? You want one hostage for the food? And two hostages for the helicopter? Totally unacceptable.
- What are you doin'?! - Come on! It's ridiculous! Don't worry, I know what I'm doing.
Are you insane? It's a tactic.
I've seen it in that negotiation scene in that Kevin Spacey film when he was negotiating and he played a negotiator.
Oh God, what was it called? Erm Ah! Yeah, no.
Sorry, it's gone.
Well, they'd better call back, or else I'm gonna get Yes, I know, the leg and foot thing, sure.
Don't worry, they'll ring back, I promise, in the next 30 seconds.
And you'll get exactly what you want.
I could have sworn they'd call back.
That's what you said three hours ago.
- (Phone) - Aha-ha! Hello? OK.
Cheerio.
Um, slight change of plan.
They now want four hostages instead of the three.
You idiot! So wait, is that four hostages in total? They must mean four for the helicopter and one for the food.
No, that'd be five and that'd be everyone.
Well, now we need another hostage.
Where are we gonna find another hostage? Gary, Gary.
I don't think that's what they meant.
They meant four hostages in total.
One for the food and three for the helicopter.
I'm getting all confused now, we're gonna have to write this down.
Go and get a pen and paper.
This is Sidcup all over again.
Right, so there's three in there, er, your daughter, that's four.
Then there's you No, no, no.
Ah You see, am I still being classed as a hostage? Cos I sort of see myself now as a hostage/negotiator? OK, I'll just be head hostage then.
It's no good.
I can't find a pen that works.
There's a surprise.
It's all right, we've worked it out.
All we need is for this doughnut to go in, pick a hostage in exchange for the grub.
Oh, no, why disturb them? I'm already here.
I'll go and tell them.
OK, let me know if you hear anything more.
It's um, good news and bad news, I'm afraid.
They've bugged the place and they've ID'd your sister as another one of the hostages.
Oh, that's the bad news? Yes.
Oh Oh, no.
Oh, not Janey as well.
These minutes feel like hours.
Hold me.
Well, there's good news, too.
They've ordered food.
Which is good because Well, you can't eat if you're dead.
Oh well, never mind.
I mean, er, they're probably still alive.
Or just injured.
But able to eat even if they can't actually feed themselves.
- OK - God, I keep saying all the wrong things.
- I'm hopeless at this.
- No, you're doing great.
No, I'm not, I'm rubbish.
Look, I erm, I should have told you this before but This is my first time doing this.
You'd never know.
I mean, you've helped me with the whole grieving over my father thing.
But he's still alive.
Yeah, I guess I'm getting ahead of myself.
OK, everyone, listen up.
I've spoken to the police, as head hostage, and, er, they now want one hostage in exchange for the food, OK? That means one of us gets to go free.
It's normally women and children first.
Isn't that a bit old-fashioned? - Thanks, Dad.
- No, Janey, you're right.
- Belinda, you should go.
- Er, come on! Really? I don't know what to say.
I've misjudged you, and I'm sorry.
Belinda, it's all right.
I understand, it's fine.
It's a very, very stressful situation and this is no place to be for a woman when she's pregnant.
I happen to be carrying a little extra weight.
So, no surprise she wants to stay for the food.
OK.
So, Pork Chop's staying.
Who's going? Come on.
I need to get home to change my wife's oxygen canister.
Well, if anyone's going it should be me.
I've already had one heart attack and I'm getting chest pains.
Actually, Dad, I've parked your car on a double yellow.
That's it, Janey's going.
They picked Janey.
Unanimous vote.
Good.
Cos the bloke's here with our food.
- They said he comes in when she goes out.
- Go on, then.
Don't go anywhere near the door, love.
You, take her to the door and come back with our food.
And don't try and leg it with her or I'll do you.
Dad, I'm worried about what's going to happen to you.
Don't worry about me, Janey, just worry about the car.
Dad, I don't want to get sentimental or anything but you do know I love you? Janey The car.
Oh, hi.
Ah.
Oh, look.
Ah, this is for me, yeah? - Don't open it yet.
- Hm? - Don't open it yet.
- It's a sweet and sour - Don't open it yet.
- Oh, it's a gun.
- What?! - Gun po, gun po chicken.
I knew it! The filth! Go on, sling your hook! You, get over there! I've got one more bit of negotiating for you, old son.
What, me? OK.
- Belinda.
- Mm? Look, I know we haven't always seen eye to eye and we've had our differences.
But Belinda if I don't make it, if I don't come back would you pay this cheque into my account? If you want me to pay this cheque in, you're gonna have to wait ten years.
The weasel post-dated it! Right, you, listen.
The police are gonna call any second, we want to you ask for one more thing.
Marriage counsellor? Shut it, laughing boy.
- We want a Lear jet waiting at Heathrow - Oh! for when we arrive in the helicopter.
- Sorry.
Don't you think your demands are becoming a tad unrealistic? I mean, come on, they're not gonna give you a Lear jet.
- That's the whole point.
- Hm? I don't follow.
It's just a distraction for when we leave the bank posing as hostages.
Why don't you tell him the whole bleedin' plan?! I never told him abut the safe house in Marbella, did I? Phone.
Go on.
(Clears throat) Hell? Head hostage speaking.
Er, no, no, no.
Are you sitting down, cos You see, they now (Chuckling) They want a Lear jet standing by at Heathrow.
What? Yeah, OK.
I'll tell them.
OK, slight change of plan.
Er No Lear jet.
And no helicopter and, er no more negotiation.
Is that bad? Yeah, that's, er That's pretty bad.
They're gonna blame me, you know.
The bank.
If all their money gets stolen.
They won't get far as soon as those red dye packs go off.
They're not gonna get far anyway.
I've had training in these kind of situations.
You know, covert stuff, black ops.
You said you were in the catering corps.
It's the same discipline.
Right, you lot! In the lobby now! (Yells) Drop the gun! Or I'll drop your husband! Calm down, please.
Please, calm down.
This is the kind of situation when a completely innocent bystander like me gets - Oh, shut up! - I'm shutting up, OK.
Where's the other one, army bloke? Slipped on a piece of chow mein.
He's out stone cold.
I'm sorry, love.
I saw him coming but not her.
I feel like a right Charlie.
- Ha ha ha ha ha! - Ha ha! Sorry.
Do you honestly think I'd let my idiot of a husband have a loaded gun? Pull the trigger if you think I'm lying.
What, you little You said you'd give me the loaded one this time! What, so I could lose me other big toe? It was an accident.
What happened? Oh, nice going, Bravo Two Zero.
Very good.
I've had it with you, Joan.
Oh, calm down.
No, you work it out! The police ain't negotiating no more, which means they're probably gonna storm this place any second.
You wanna do this on your own, be my guest.
All right.
I will! Right, you lot.
In there.
And this one's loaded, I mean it.
Go on, move it! Come on! You want anything doing properly, you've got to do it yourself! Men! Useless, every single one of 'em.
Oh dear.
If you think she's bad, you should meet my wife.
Dear oh dear.
Mirror image, you know.
Well, minus the shotgun, of course.
Although there was that one time But of a handful too, is she, your missus? - See that? - That's nasty.
Yeah, yeah.
Christmas 1997.
Too many jokes about her cooking and bam - took a gravy boat straight in the forehead.
I made a joke like that to Joan once.
You see that? That's where she shot me.
Did a lovely job of that.
Every marriage has its ups and downs.
My wife and I try to find a common interest.
Do you not have any hobbies? What do you think this is? Robbin' banks is the only thing that's kept us together.
No, no, no.
I think Jim meant something a little bit more, you know, legal.
We tried everything - line dancing, brass rubbing, yoga.
Have you never to a poetry slam? (All) What?! No, there's no point.
Whatever I do to try and make her happy, she's never satisfied.
I heard that! Joan, it's over.
This bank job - I mean, face it, we're not gonna get out of here.
I mean, it's not looking good, is it? Shut up! And you.
You big coward.
Stop calling me a coward.
You are! Givin' up! I'm being realistic, Joan.
I mean, what do you care? You don't love me.
Course I love you, you moron.
Question is, do you love me? - Course I do.
- That's not what you said earlier.
Shut up! Sorry.
OK.
Let's end all this right now.
(All) Yes And take this lot with us.
Whoa, now, whoa! No, it's only ever two.
I mean, think about it.
You had Bonnie and Clyde, Thelma and Louise, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Only two of them, they didn't take everybody else.
- I said shut up! - Please, look, look.
He loves you, right? You love him.
And that's what marriage is all about, isn't it? That's what life's all about.
Marriage is a wonderful thing.
- That's not what you said earlier.
- I know Shut up! Look, marriage is very important.
You don't wanna end everything, do you? You don't wanna end your marriage over something as trivial as, erm armed robbery! Come 'ere, you! Grab the gun! (Alarm, glass smashing) (All shouting) Great! That's it.
I'm switching banks! (Belinda) Hooray! (Radio) Control 51.
We have an all-clear at the bank.
Hostages are secure.
- Was that my radio? - Yeah.
Yeah, they say it's a standoff.
Could go on all night.
What are we gonna do? Oh, you poor thing.
Oh, my poor, poor daddy.
Will I ever see him again? There there.
I don't know what I'd do without him.
We're so close.
He's my world.
OK, I know his best days are behind him but you don't just shoot an old dog.
I'd give anything to see him again.
Or to see him go upstairs.
I'd give as much as L50.
I'd be willing to go up to a hundred.
Fine.
Oh, he was a fine, fine man.
(Mouths)