Not Going Out (2006) s08e02 Episode Script

1 We're not going out Not staying in Just hanging around with my head in a spin But there is no need to scream and shout We're not going out We are not going out.
Oh, are you and Toby still OK for our tapas night next week? Yes, looking forward to it.
Oh, and talking of nights out, last week, Toby and I paid a small fortune for tickets to the ballet, and sod's law, the morning after we saw it, one of Toby's rich patients gave him tickets to the exact same ballet as a gift.
You know what it's like when these things happen.
Yeah.
Like that time I bought the box set of Touch Of Frost and then they go and repeat it all on ITV2.
Right.
Well it's tomorrow night.
The tickets are yours, if you'd like them.
Oh, wow! Thanks, Anna.
That's amazing.
You don't think it will be a bit of a culture shock for Lee? Any culture comes as a shock to Lee.
As much I'd like to see the look on Lee's face, I really do have to dash.
See you soon.
OK, bye.
Thanks, Anna.
- What look on my face? - We've got two tickets for the ballet.
That look there.
The only problem is, who are we going to get to baby-sit? Why can't you ask your mum? Because it's tomorrow night and that's her bridge night.
Oh, finally decided to chuck herself off one, has she? I knew your dad would grind her down in the end.
And we can't ask Dad either, because he's got some big, important dinner at the golf club.
- Well, ask a friend.
- I can't ask a friend.
Some of them don't know the kids or what they're like.
So? They're more likely to agree.
If we can't find a family member to do it, maybe we can't go.
All right, I'll ask me dad.
Your dad? - Yeah.
He's a family member.
- Are you serious? Yes, I've got a DNA test from the Child Support Agency to prove it.
Actually, do you know what, Lee? You're right.
I'm being silly, aren't I? I'll just ask Anna to baby-sit.
- Sorry? - Well, she knows the kids.
She'll be great.
Oh.
I'm assuming you've already asked the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
I thought you said it had to be a family member.
- And you said that was ridiculous.
- No, I said I'll ask me dad.
Yeah, well, that's the same thing, isn't it? Look, I know I'm always banging on about what a waster he is, but maybe it's time the kids spent some time with Grandad Frank, get to know him, see what he's like as a person.
Maybe.
That way, when I'm slagging him off, they'll know what I'm talking about.
What do you reckon? OK.
But I can't say he'd be my first choice of baby-sitter.
Yeah.
Well, he wouldn't be my first choice of father, but he is.
Come on, what's the worst that can happen? Try not to think too much about that.
Dad'll be here in a minute.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Just having a bit of a tidy.
Oh, I see.
You're hiding the booze.
Dad is not going to come here and get drunk.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
He'll already be drunk.
- All right, son? - All right? What's in the bag? I brought a little hair band, some ribbons and bows.
- Aww! That's nice.
Molly'll like that.
- They're not for her.
They're for you to wear at the ballet.
Ah, here he is, my little Benji.
- That's Charlie.
- Oh, yeah.
You know, you're growing up that fast, I thought you was the oldest.
He is the oldest.
Hiya, Frank.
Say hello to your grandad.
Do I have to kiss him? Charlie, say hello to Grandad Frank.
Never mind Grandad Frank.
- I want you to start calling me Grandpops.
- Grandpops? Yeah, that's what I used to call my grandad.
We thought it was nice that I had a cosy name for the bitter old racist.
Hello, Grandpops.
That's better.
Have you come to burgle us? - Ha-ha! The questions kids ask.
- Yeah.
Have you come to burgle us? Oh, here come the other two monkeys.
Are you ready for some fun? Are you going to teach us to play poker, like you did at Christmas? Yeah, but I did give you some of the money back, though, didn't I? Frank, I've jotted down a little list of things.
I've set the timer on the oven, so all you have to do is wait for the ping and then dish up.
Pyjamas are all laid out, and bed at eight o'clock at the very, very latest, please.
You forget, I've raised a child myself.
Have you? You never told me that.
Look, I know I let you down as a father, Lee, but that's all behind us now.
I want to be the best grandfather I can be.
I promise you, Lucy, I would walk through fire for those kids.
Please don't.
- We're going to be late.
- OK, well, you've got my phone number, - so if there's even the slightest problem - Yes.
I was talking to the kids.
Frank? We're back.
Well, the furniture's still here.
That's a start.
Dad? - Please don't say he's popped to the pub.
- I hope not.
Last time he did that, he was gone for 11 years.
You check on the kids.
I'll phone his mobile.
Oh, you're back.
- Where have you been? - Where does it look like? Cornwall in the 1700s.
I've emptied your recycling bin.
I did a bit of tidying-up.
Hope you don't mind.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Me and the kids made a bit of a mess playing pirates, but I tidied up, did a bit of hoovering.
Even changed a couple of light bulbs while I were at it.
Where's, er? Where's Lucy? Never mind that.
Where's my dad? She's upstairs.
Is she, er? Is she OK? - Yeah, she's fine.
- Well It's none of my business, but when I was tidying up, I found a load of booze under the sink.
Now, I'll say no more, as long as you know I'm never far away.
That's probably why she needs to drink.
Oh! Hiya, Frank.
Dad's been having a tidy-up.
Oh, yeah.
What's with the face? Well, after supper, we did some pirate face-painting, and that wore 'em out before bath time.
Then we brushed teeth, read stories.
Shouldn't have done two, but they wouldn't let me stop.
And then they were fast asleep before eight.
Everything on the list is done.
So, do you need a lift home, or are you just going to open up your umbrella and take off? Well, I'll be off.
Any time you want to go out again, just say the word.
Well, actually, Frank, Anna and Toby have invited us out next Saturday.
Oh, really? What is it this time, son? Flower arranging or hopscotch lessons? - It's tapas.
- Oh.
I was going to ask my mum and dad, but if you've got nothing on? Say no more.
I'm looking forward to it already.
Oh, thanks, Frank.
I'm going to go and make myself a drink.
Do you want one, Lee? Why don't you have a glass of water with it as well? What did you make of the ballet, Lee? Was the principal dancer shocked when you tried to slip a £10 note down her top? Quite enjoyed it, actually.
Inspirational doesn't begin to describe its maverick approach to this often more traditionally based piece by Jeremy Rogan.
I think Jeremy Rogan was the name of the reviewer.
So, everything still OK for our tapas night? Yup.
Lee's dad's all booked in to baby-sit.
Frank? Really? - You sound surprised, Anna.
- Well, only because you know.
What? I've met him.
Well, to be honest, we were a little nervous at first, but he did a great job the other night.
Well, good for Frank.
I think it's wonderful to expose the children to all different aspects of life.
I wish you had that attitude towards our son.
I recently took Jack on the bus.
I don't think the park and ride shuttle bus to the Chelsea Flower Show really counts.
Actually, Lucy, if you don't mind, I think I'll just take the iPad off them.
Leave it, Anna.
A bit of noise never hurt anyone.
And yet looks can kill.
Can you pass that to me, please? - No.
- Come on, now, Benji, time to hand it over.
Oh, off.
What did you say? Oh, off.
I beg your pardon?! Don't keep making him say it.
Benji, where did you learn that word? Grandpops said it.
Go to your room right now.
Anna, I'm so, so sorry.
It's fine, really.
Don't believe her.
She says that to me.
Anyway, we really need to be on our way.
Jack Not because of what just happened, I hope.
Yeah, you don't have to leave just because Benji told you to.
- Toby, I'm so, so sorry.
- Don't worry about it.
It's nice to hear someone finally pluck up the courage to tell her.
I knew we should never have let your dad baby-sit.
We need to get him round right now and see what he has to say for himself.
Get him round? That's overreacting a bit, isn't it? Oh, so you think it's acceptable to swear in front of young children? I never said that, but I'm sure he didn't mean any harm.
It's It's just a cultural thing.
Oh, don't start all that "pushing your bike up the cobbles "to see your auntie, who was a one-eyed prostitute" claptrap.
Bad language is bad language.
Look, he's coming over again on Saturday, anyway, to baby-sit, so I'll have a chat with him then, so it's less of a big deal.
You're not serious? There's no way that he's baby-sitting again.
- What, because of one swearword? - That we know of.
Who knows what other words he might have used.
All right, let's get Benji down, read out a list and see which other ones he recognises.
I'm serious.
There is no way that Frank is baby-sitting again.
- Either you can tell him or I will.
- All right, I will tell him.
And make sure you let him know exactly the reasons why.
It's important the message gets across and he knows we're not happy.
Maybe we should get Benji to tell him.
Dad Thank you.
Oh, "Barista".
That's a very pretty name.
Dad, about this baby-sitting on Saturday.
Yes, I'm really looking forward to it, son.
Look what I've made the kids.
It's a map of hidden treasure.
I said I'd go in the garden and help 'em to dig it up.
- X marks the spot.
- You might want to move that a bit.
That's close to where we buried the cat.
The thing is When you and Lucy said to me I'd done a good job, it meant the world to me, son.
Those kids, they didn't see me as some daft old man who were always messing things up.
They saw me as Captain Grandpops, head of the pirate fleet, - and I swore there and then - I know you did.
I swore I wouldn't let them kids down the way I let you down.
I can't wait to baby-sit again.
Right.
The thing is What? We don't want you to baby-sit on Saturday.
Why not? What have I done wrong this time? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
You did a great job and we want to use you again very soon.
It's just that Toby and Anna have had to cancel the tapas night because they're going on a last-minute trip to Spain.
Obviously, they wanted to taste the real thing.
As long as you were pleased with me baby-sitting the other day.
Dad, you did a brilliant job.
Thanks, son.
That means a lot to me.
I'll get off.
- Oh, hello.
- Oh, for Hi, Toby.
Looking forward to going away? I was just explaining to my dad why he can't baby-sit this weekend.
Oh, I see.
Persona non grata, eh, Frank? Oh, practise the language before you get there, eh? I've explained that the evening's cancelled because you and Anna are going abroad this weekend.
Oh, yes.
That's right.
Italy.
Lee said Spain.
Well, it's sort of on the Spanish-Italian border, isn't it? Yeah, there's nothing like a bracing swim across the Mediterranean to whet the appetite.
Well, I'll see you later.
- It was just one little white lie.
- I'm not bothered about that.
I'm bothered about the four-letter word my Jack can't stop saying since your son taught it to him.
Yesterday he told both the cleaner and the gardener to eff off.
If either of them spoke English, we would be mortified.
So I'm assuming you were meant to confront your dad about it just now and you chickened out.
No, I didn't chicken out.
I just happen to think my dad is a bit of a new man.
I think he's got something to offer.
Look at this.
Don't trust him.
You'll be digging for ages.
There'll be nothing there.
He never did stuff like this for me when I was a kid.
I honestly think he might be changing, and I am not going to punish him for one simple mistake.
So, no, I didn't chicken out, cos I don't chicken out of difficult conversations.
So you're going to tell Lucy what just happened? Am I hell! She'll bloody kill me.
Oh, we'd better get a move on.
Anna and Toby are picking us up soon.
Still can't believe we cancelled me dad baby-sitting.
And I can't believe he's had all week and still hasn't phoned me to apologise.
Well he's ashamed.
He's never felt shame before.
It's like three-ply quilted toilet paper.
He hadn't felt that till last year.
Well, as long as you made it perfectly clear that we weren't happy.
I couldn't have been clearer.
I even folded my arms when I said it.
I learnt from the master.
I don't do that.
You always do that.
Arms folded for serious.
Weight on the left leg for really serious.
And if you add on a, "I beg your pardon?!" I know it's time to hit the eject button.
I'm not joking, Lee.
I know.
I made it very clear when I told him.
In fact, he was so embarrassed about the swearing, he said that if it ever gets brought up again in conversation, he'll pretend to know nothing about it.
So it's probably best to never, ever mention it to him again, ever.
At all.
Well, I suppose it would make it less awkward.
Oh, it certainly would.
Oh, that'll be Mum and Dad.
Mm, I thought the temperature had suddenly dropped.
Hello, Lucy, love.
Oh.
Hi, Frank.
We weren't expecting you.
I know, but you've no need to worry.
I'm not baby-sitting.
It's cancelled.
Lee explained.
Good.
Well, I hope you understand the situation.
Well, these things happen.
It's no big deal.
It's nice for them to have new experiences, new language, that sort of thing.
Dad Just brought these things for the kids.
Right.
That's very kind of you.
See you later.
No, no, wait Don't you want to know what it is? Let me guess.
Is it a DVD of Shaun Ryder doing Jackanory? It's just a few pirate costumes that I got from the pound shop.
- What's going on? Why have you got dressed up? - I haven't.
You have.
I can smell toothpaste.
- Are you going out? - No.
- Yes, we are.
- Oh, sorry.
Um, I forgot to say, Toby and Anna cancelled at the last minute.
Gone to Spain.
I only spoke to Anna 20 minutes ago.
Well, like I say, it was very last-minute.
Is there another reason why you cancelled me? You know very well why we cancelled you.
Well, you should know, anyway.
Yeah, but we agreed to forget about that, didn't we? - Forget what? - That's the spirit.
You didn't tell him, did you? What the hell's going on? "What the hell"? Frank, you missed your favourite word.
I'm sorry? He's apologised.
Let's move on.
Clearly, Lee didn't have the guts, Frank, so I'll tell you.
The day after you were here, Benji told my friend Anna to eff off.
Well, I can see his point.
Why's that my fault? Because he heard you using the word when you baby-sat.
He most certainly did not, cos I never said it.
Well, that's not what Benji says.
Look, can we talk about this later? We're on our way out.
No, no, no, no.
You two are going nowhere till we get to the bottom of this.
Whoever that is, you can tell 'em to go and get All right, you're not helping your case.
- Hello.
- Oh, good(!) This'll help calm things down.
Oh, I see.
You've invited the respectable side of the family to baby-sit, have you? That's right, Frank.
Turned out Roy Chubby Brown wasn't available.
I was first choice, you know? Really? You never mentioned that to us, darling.
Why should she mention it? I've got as much right to baby-sit as you.
Am I right in assuming our untimely entrance has come mid-altercation? Now, that's the kind of language you want to keep your kids away from.
What's going on? Frank baby-sat last weekend.
Two weekends in a row? We haven't done anything wrong, have we, Lucy? Of course not, unlike Frank.
He swore in front of Benji, and the next day, he repeated it in front of Anna.
Disgraceful behaviour, although I'd be lying if I said I was surprised.
Don't you look down your nose at me, you middle-class ponce.
All right, there's no need for that, Dad.
You would say that, wouldn't you? Cos you've turned into a middle-class ponce, too.
- No, I've not.
I'm still working-class.
- Oh, yeah(!) You're like a matchstick man in a Lowry painting with your flat cap and your clogs, off to get a tapas while you're going to the ballet.
- Don't start making this about me.
I've not changed.
- Course you have.
How long is it since you lived off your wits, when you wondered where your next meal were coming from? Sorry, Dad.
I said I was working-class, not Oliver Twist.
Got nothing to do with class.
Swearing in front of children is simply not acceptable.
I never swore.
Maybe you didn't realise you'd said it.
The kids were probably in the other room.
It's never an excuse, ever.
Geoffrey, we can't wrap the kids in cotton wool.
No, but maybe you can plug their ears with it when Frank's here.
I can't believe you didn't ask us to baby-sit.
I would have cancelled my bridge night.
You should have just asked.
Given all the times we've looked after them, it seems a bit much that we've now become second choice to his side of the family.
Oh, sorry, me? I thought Genghis Khan had walked in.
- You're not second choice.
- Is that right? Yeah, Anna was second choice.
You were third choice.
This is your fault we weren't asked first.
I told you Nick Faldo's autobiography does not make a good bedtime story.
Don't start on me.
I'm not the one swearing at my grandchildren.
Neither am I.
Sorry, Frank? You calling my grandson a liar? - Maybe.
- Why would he lie about something like that? I don't know.
Maybe your daughter's not bringing him up properly.
I beg your pardon?! Dad, it's time to hit the eject button.
Right, that's it.
Benji, get in here right now.
- There's no need for this.
Dad's not on trial.
- Exactly.
I object.
Overruled.
Benji, do you remember that bad word you said to Anna? - Yes, it was - No! Don't say it.
Just tell us again where you heard it first.
Grandpops said it.
Will the defendant please rise? Oh, sorry.
You're already stood up.
Not that grandpops.
That grandpops.
But that's not Grandpops.
That's Grandad.
Charlie told me we were supposed to call them both Grandpops from now on.
No, that's only Grandad Frank.
Oh.
My bad.
Hang on a minute.
Grandad Geoffrey didn't even baby-sit last week.
It wasn't last week I heard him say the word.
It was another time.
We were at his house and he was on the phone.
- Can I go into the garden now? - Yes.
Can I come? Can I just say? I agree with every word that Lucy's saying.
I think that swearing is a terrible thing to do around young kiddies.
Obviously there's been some mistake.
Geoffrey doesn't use language like that.
- Sorry, Wendy, are you calling my grandson a liar? - Dad? How am I supposed to keep track of every word I say? Oh, so you eff and jeff all the time, do you, Effy Geoffy? Dad, did you swear in front of Benji, yes or no? You never gave me multiple choice.
Well, now you come to mention it, there was a a terse phone call I made to the golf club about them changing my seating arrangements at the dinner.
I did use some rather brisk language.
I thought the children were out of earshot in the other room.
Oh, never an excuse, Geoffrey, ever.
Frank, I am so very, very sorry for accusing you, and so's my dad.
Is he? I must have missed that.
Could you repeat it, Geoffrey? Dad? Believe me, I really do wish this hadn't happened.
Still waiting.
Go on, Geoffrey.
Frank I'm sorry for any distress I might have caused.
I only hope it's offset by the immense self-satisfaction I can see plastered all over your face now that you're experiencing the novelty of the moral high ground.
Well, I'd take that, Dad.
It's as good as you're going to get.
Well, I'm glad we got all that sorted out.
Maybe we should have a clearer system from now on.
You should be Grandad G and you should be Grandad F.
Oh, I think he should be Grandad F.
Anyway, can we put it all behind us and just move on? Oh, hang on! Is that it? Well, I've said sorry.
I can't keep saying it.
No, I don't mean that.
When we thought my dad had sworn, we had to have a crisis meeting.
Well, we should have one now with your dad.
- Are you serious? - Oh, I'm deadly serious.
OK, then.
Fine.
Dad follow me.
- There.
Done it.
- You didn't say anything.
No, and neither did you to your dad at the coffee shop.
- Did you find that acceptable? - No.
Well, I don't find this acceptable.
You've got 'em, son.
They're on the ropes.
Look, this is all nonsense.
My dad's apologised.
Nobody owes anybody else any more apologies.
- Is that right? - Oh, for God's sake, Mum.
- I'm sorry that you were second-choice baby-sitter.
- Third.
And I am sorry that I accused your dad.
Now, can we all just move on, please? - Father? - I'm a reasonable man.
And do you promise to bring this up in the future at every opportunity? Of course.
Then consider the matter dropped.
Good.
Now, I'm sorry to rush things along, but any minute now, Anna and Toby are going to land in our garden in an easyJet plane from Barcelona to take us out for tapas, so if you don't mind, Frank, we'll see you later? What are you talking about? I'm not leaving.
I'm baby-sitting.
Wendy and Geoffrey are the ones who are leaving.
Frank, Mum and Dad are baby-sitting tonight.
Yes, but that was before we knew your father had a pottymouth.
Yeah, and it was my dad that was asked first, remember? Oh, I remember.
But then we cancelled him.
Yes, because we thought he'd used bad language, but now we know it was your dad that swore, we should cancel him.
Exactly.
Who knows what other filth they might have heard? I'm beginning to wonder whether the full scale of these horrors will ever be understood.
Well, there's a simple solution.
Lucy, who do you want to baby-sit? Sorry, do I get a vote? I'm 18 now.
Well, I'm not leaving.
I never swore.
Fair point.
Me and Wendy will snuggle down on the settee and do it together.
Come on, Lucy, who do you want to baby-sit? - Well, I - They're our grandchildren, Lucy.
- They're my grandchildren, too.
- Come off it.
For years, your feckless behaviour has meant that you've come and gone, whereas Wendy and I have been hands-on grandparents from the start.
Keep pushing me, I'll show you hands-on.
Oh, here it comes, the full Coronation Street.
I've a good mind to come over there and wash your mouth out with soap.
What, and risk getting some of it on your hands? I've no need to listen to this.
I quite agree.
Off you go.
Buenas noches, amigos.
You can stop that nonsense.
I know you're not really in Spain, you liar.
Don't criticise my husband like that.
Yeah.
Let Anna show you how to do it properly.
Thanks to your foul mouth and your filthy-mouthed grandchild, my Jack is running around cursing like a scaffolder.
Don't you talk about my grandson like that.
You may think of yourself as all high and mighty because you've gone up in the baby-sitting pecking order, but he's still my flesh and blood.
Yeah, don't start having a go at my son.
Oh, yeah, but it's all right for people to have a go at your father? That's different.
You're big enough and ugly enough to look after yourself.
Well, ugly enough.
I knew it wouldn't be long before they turned on each other.
- Like father, like son.
- Oh, that's rich, coming from a man who screams obscenities at little kiddies.
For goodness' sake, you silly little man! He was on the phone to the golf club.
So you say, but for all we know, he could have been on a loudspeaker on the phone to a premium-rate sex line.
I've just about had enough of this.
Oh, yeah? You want to get it on? Oh, will you all just shut the up? You're all a bunch of idiots.
You're a pompous hole.
You're always out for a fight with everyone you meet, you silly You're a stupidly oversensitive head.
You're a stuck-up You're a lying And if you'd had a with this in the first place, we wouldn't be in this of a mess.
Well, I've had en ough.
None of you can baby-sit! Mummy, what's a ? I'm a terrible mother.
Have you finished that word? Feel free to try and comfort me at any point.
Look like I've been trying to tell you all week, it is possible to accidentally swear in front of the children without it making you a bad person.
The kids will have forgotten about it by tomorrow.
All right, by next week.
All right, if they're still in therapy when they're 18, we'll say it wasn't you, it was their real mother.
Well, whatever happens, I'm going to make sure the kids don't hear any more swearwords.
To be fair, I don't think there are any more swearwords.
Now I've just got to make it up to everyone I insulted.
Well I'm one of the people you insulted.
Maybe you should make it up to me.
Is that right? And how am I supposed to do that? Well, use your imagination.
Which, as it turns out, is a lot filthier than I ever thought.
How about I just take us for a nice meal out? You know, just the two of us.
Well, you could, but who are you going to ask to baby-sit? All right, you win.