Only Fools and Horses (1981) s08e02 Episode Script
Modern Men
You alright, son? Looking forward to tonight down the pub? Yeah.
I don't want a big thing made of it, you know.
I mean, me and Cassandra are having a baby, that's all.
Yeah, but you know what Del's like.
Any excuse for a celebration.
You don't think Del'd mind if I borrowed some of his after-shave, do you? What do you want to use after-shave for? You've got Epping bloody Forest growing round your chops! I just wanted to smell nice, that's all.
Well in that case, don't use Del's after-shave! Oh, there you are Rodders, I didn't hear you arrive.
Go on, help yourself to a dry roasted.
Where's Cassandra then? Raquel wanted to show her something in the bedroom.
It's them baby clothes she's got for you.
Oh, she shouldn't have done that.
No, it's aright, they're some of Damien's old clothes.
- Suit your nipper a treat they will.
- Yeah I'm just gonna get myself a beer.
If it's a boy d'you reckon it'll look like Rodney? It don't matter as long as it's healthy.
No, I know what Raquel's doing, she's showing Cassandra some of them new clothes I bought her.
- New clothes? It's not her birthday, is it? - No, it's not her birthday.
Well, they're not 'new' clothes, they're as good as.
And it means I done me bit for charity.
Ah, Rodders there you are, you seen this? Its my book, Modern Man.
Its brilliant, it is.
It says here: 'you shouldn't wait for a special occasion to give your loved one a present.
Arrive home with a little surprise any day of the week, and help keep your relationship exciting'.
I done that, you know.
It says: 'Your partner should never have to seek attention from you.
A compliment is the easiest thing to give and the nicest thing to receive.
' It's obvious when you come to think about it.
I mean, it's far easier to say something nice than to say something nasty, innit? - Well? - Yes, very well, thank you darling! Oh! Good.
- You look lovely, Raquel.
- Thank you very much, Albert.
Yes, you look very nice, Raquel.
Thank you.
Wait till you see this.
- And you look lovely, Cassandra.
- Thank you, Albert.
Oh, there you are, sweetheart.
How's my little nephew? Get off! - Well.
What d'you think? - Well, its a bit difficult, Raquel.
You see, Rodney and I are both opposed to the fur trade.
I think, what Cass is trying to say is, we both think it looked better on the animal.
Whatever that was.
Innit marvelous? Del buys Raquel a coat and you two have a pop at her! Del bought it? Oh, I'm sorry, Raquel, I thought it was real! No no, no, dopey, no, thats stimulated fur! - Sorry, didn't realise.
- Well, there you go! I tell you what we are going to do then.
Cause little Damien's downstairs with the babysitter, were gonna have a couple of glasses of the old champagne here then its down the Nag's Head for some decent celebrations.
Alright? - You are on the orange juice, alright? - Yes, thank you, doctor.
Thats alright.
All part of the service.
- Del.
I feel a bit embarrassed.
- You don't need to.
I mean you got a tie, and suit, the full Monty.
I didn't mean that, I mean I've only got 20 quid on me.
- Cor, what have you done with your wages? - This is me wages.
Oh thats right.
I remember weve had a bit of a hard week, bruv.
I know.
I was there! Well, I'm even worse off than you.
I spent all my money on Raquel's dress.
Still, dont matter.
Tonight's festivities we can put on the slate.
- Would you reckon Mike'll stand it? - Yeah, of course he will.
- He's a diamond that boy, absolute diamond.
- Well I hope you're right And oi, when are you gonna say something nice to Raquel? She's got herself all done up and you ain't said a word.
Well, I was reading me book, weren't I? Alright, alright, dont worry.
I'll think of something nice to say.
Youre quite right.
Come on, let's go.
Come on then girls, ladies and gentlemen, time to celebrate.
Go on Rodney, you got the girls, Here you are Albert, this is yours.
- I don't believe it! - What's that? You see this girl here.
I worked with her years ago when I was in show business.
She was just a kid then! Look at her now, she's about to appear in the new James Bond film! Pierce Brosnan.
You don't need Pierce Brosnan dear, you've got me.
Yes, haven't I just? I tell you what, Raquel.
If she can be in a James Bond film, so could you.
- Oh shut up.
- No, you could.
- Don't be silly.
- I'm serious.
Look at her, she's a dog.
So that's a G&T for Raquel, Tequila Slammer for Rodney, orange juice for Cassandra.
Oh by the way, that Indian bloke, Doctor Singh was in earlier, wanted to talk to you.
- Something about some paint you sold him.
- Oh really, was he really? He seemed very anxious to speak to you, Del.
Have you gpt problems, mate? No, no! Just a minor misunderstanding.
Nothing that can't be sorted out with a civilized chat.
If he calls in again, Mike, would you tell him I've gone to live in New Zealand? I think I can remember that.
Here, have Rodney and Cassandra thought of a name for the baby yet? No, not yet, Mike.
It's early days, she's only just a little bit pregnant.
Shes got a long way to go.
Still, shows Rodney got the hang of it in the end.
Oh yes! He's a Trotter alright.
We don't stop till the job's finished.
Right, now then, what have we got here? Weve got a Harvey Wall Banger for me thats a cognac for Boycie, vodka and lime, thats for Marlene Cubre Libre, thats for Denzil rum and blackcurrant for Bobby Crush over there, scotches for the market lads, pint of diesel for Trigger - Mickey, what you and your boys want? - Canadian Clubs all round, Del.
Cheers.
Canadian Clubs all around over there and have one yourself, Michael.
- Cheers, Del.
Call it 25 quid for cash.
- OK, right.
Put it on the slate.
No slate, mate.
I've had a visit from the brewery.
Alright.
OK, look.
There's a fiver, and Would you Adam and Eve it? I've only gone and left me wallet at home.
I remember now Damien was playing with it.
I was teaching him on financial management, you know, how to avoid expensive pubs, that sort of thing.
I'll sell them to someone else then, Del.
- No you cant, these are second-hand.
- I'll sell them cheap then! Alright, I'll give you a fiver for them now.
Look Del, it's not my fault, it's the brewery! They've brought in this revolutionary new rule.
From now on customers have to pay for their drinks.
I hate all these newfangled ideas! Hang about.
Dont go away.
I have managed to lay my hands on these radically new designed hair-dryers.
Normally they retail at £69.
99 up in Regents Street, but for you, 15 nicker.
Del, look at my hair.
What do I need with one of them? I've only gotta stick me head out the window for ten seconds and it's bone dry! But you see, this is different, cause this, you see that? That has got what they call a volumiser on it.
You see, that gives all your hair a body and everything.
So I could end up looking like Lilly Savage? Very tempting, Del.
I'm giving it to you Michael, aint I, eh? Go on then, give us it here.
But you still owe me a tenner! I tell you what.
You are a bit of a gambling man, ain't ya? Ill tell you what.
Ill have a little bet with ya.
Double or quits.
Now, the thing is If I win I give you this fiver for this round of drinks.
But if you win, I owe you a tenner.
- You already owe me a tenner! - You've got nothing to lose then, have you? Trig! Just a minute! You'll like this, Trig, watch this.
A little bet were having here.
OK then, Michael.
I bet if you put your hands out, in front of you I can make you turn them over without touching you.
You can make me turn me hands over without touching me? Exactly.
It's called 'The Power of Positive Thought'.
Alright, off you go.
Put your hands out in front of you.
No, the other way There you go.
Thats it, thank you.
Alright, there you go.
Help yourselves, you can.
I have been in the motor-trade for many years now, and until recently I never thought of the damage fumes did to our world.
- Now let me explain to you my theory.
- Right, Mike, same again please, will ya? Just allow me to continue.
This is my theory: The future holds the key to all our success.
You better not tell Raquel's Dad that, he's an antiques dealer.
Now recently I have invested a lot of money in electric cars.
Yeah, he bought Tyler a Scalectrix set.
I'm not talking about model bloody racing cars, for Gawd's sake! Oi, Rodney, come on! Get up, it's your round.
If it's the same as the last round it'll be 25 quid.
- 25 qu Mike? - No! - Alright, Dave? - Hello Trig.
I can make you turn your hands over without touching you.
I can make you turn your hands over without touching you.
Come on, hold 'em out.
No, the other way.
See? There you go, Dave.
Well done, Albert, very nice.
Congratulations Albert, it reminded me of the theme track from Noddy, the Movie.
Boycie's right about one thing, Del.
I mean, you and Rodney should be thinking about your children's future.
- You know what I'm saying? - You gotta send 'em to private school.
Leave it out Boycie, we cant afford to send our kids private! Anyway, another round please, Mike.
Come on Boycie, your turn.
Our Tyler's been private since he was three.
He's 7 now and he can almost write his name.
Can he really? Here, darling.
Perhaps we ought to scrimp and save and send little Damien private.
Well, I ain't sending my child private.
There's nothing wrong with state education.
I'm not sending Damien to our old school, Dockside Secondary Modern.
Ooh, that was a tough old place.
See, Rodney, we didn't stand a chance of a decent education because of the size of the classes.
Fifty, sixty to a class.
You're exaggerating, your classes weren't that big! By the time the teacher had finished reading the register it was dinner time.
You could tell the calibre of our school too, by the head boy.
- Who was it? - Trigger.
- Did you call, Del? - Ah, there you are, Trig.
- We was just talking about our old school.
- Alright, come on, let's ask Trig.
And you lot stay quiet, no prompting! Trigger, did you have big classes at your old school? - No, not very big.
- See? High ceilings though.
And a few low ones.
Remember your accident? Oh yeah.
Trig was walking through one of the corridors and he smacked right into a Mind Your Head sign.
Gave him a right clout.
His family sued the education authorities for brain-damage.
The judge awarded him £7.
50.
How d'you walk into a 'Mind Your Head' sign? Didn't you see it? Of course I saw it, but in those days I couldn't read.
- Anybody gonna collect these drinks or what? - Yeah, I'll get 'em.
Come on Boycie, cough up! There you are.
I want change.
- Rodney, congratulations mate.
- Thanks, Mickey.
Here, I was down Sid's Caff yesterday and that Doctor Singh came in looking for Del Boy.
- Did he? - He struck me as an angry man.
What's it all about? Its something to do with some paint and his surgery.
I mean, at the end of the day it's not my problem, is it? I just work for Del.
Yeah.
That's just it.
You're just an employee.
You just follow orders.
You pick things up, you put things down, you pick things up again.
Yeah.
But I do think for myself.
It's hardly a job requirement, is it? I mean, I started a new job last month.
Good money, company car, the lot.
And its not a fly-by-night firm.
They're soon in Panorama.
What are you then? A double-glazing salesman? - No I am not! Although it is to do with glass.
- What, windows? Not windows.
Solar windows! I mean, its a whole new concept in user-friendly heating.
- You're a salesman.
- No, I'm more like a scientist! It's double-glazing, innit? No, no, no.
I mean, fair enough, it does involve two panes of glass, but it's not double-glazing.
This company is very profile-conscious and customer-driven.
I'm executive of area perspective and overview, and Im recruiting new staff.
I'm doing interviews every Monday at Burger Kings.
You're a double-glazing salesman, ain't you? Yeah.
It's gotta be better than working for Del, innit? I mean, you're like a 34 year old paperboy.
I might not be working for him much longer.
I got me eye out for something Raquel! I just came up to give you a hand with the drinks.
Oh, yeah.
Thats yours.
Now, you listen.
There is a few young up ad coming firms who are after me.
Oh yeah, I bet you're being head-hunted by Ian Beale.
Well, you'd better do some-thing quick, you've got a kid on the way.
Ladies and Gentlemen, will you please raise your glasses to our future Mum and Dad, Cassandra and Rodney.
- Cassandra and Rodney! - Dave! Goodnight, champ.
Dream us some luck.
Its alright.
Hes Sound Dough.
Oh my God! - Well what do you think, eh? - Theyre very nice, Del.
They're very nice.
Yes, I got em off Monkey Harris, £7.
50, can't be bad, can it? Lovely.
There we go.
Lovely Jubbly.
Dyou know, It says here a bloke's supposed to make contact with his feminine side.
Did you know that geezers had feminine sides? Well, I've read about it.
Look, I wouldn't worry, I don't think it applies to you.
Thank God for that.
I thought I had to wear a blouse or something.
Del, can we talk for a minute? I heard Rodney and his mate, Mickey Pearce talking tonight.
He's started a new job.
Mickey Pearce, you must be joking! That bloke's been on the dole for so long, they invite him to the staff dance.
- Del, will you do something for me? - Yes, of course.
- Let me finish the bottom of this page.
- No! Give Rodney a proper job.
- What do you mean? He's got a proper job.
- No he hasn't, he works for you.
- Well that is a proper job.
- Alright, what does he do? He lifts things, he keeps his eye open, he drives the van.
And how would you describe his job? Give it a name, a title.
He's a Rodney.
Give him a job and a title he can be proud of.
In seven months he'll be a father.
Listen Raquel, you do not know Rodney like I do.
I mean, hes not really very astute.
If he was left in charge we wouldn't be where we are today.
- No? - No.
Hes got no business sense.
Hes the sort of bloke, if he had a flower shop he'd close on St.
Valentines Day.
Make him feel important.
Do something to help him.
If you must know, I am doing that very same thing.
I'm trying to find some help for Rodney.
What with Cassandra being in the situation she is, he might have to dash off at any time, so Ive put the word about, I'm looking for some part time help to take the weight off Rodneys shoulders.
- That's nice of you.
- Well, I'm that sort of bloke, arent I? - You know this thing with Cassandra.
- You mean her pregnancy? - Not making you broody, is it? - No! I never want to go through a pregnancy again.
- Why, it hurt, did it? - Stung a bit.
- Yeah, I could tell.
- What gave it away? All that screaming? Yeah, that was a clue.
Still, he was worth it in the end, weren't he? Yeah, of course he was.
It's not just that.
There's the financial side as well.
I mean, we can barely afford to pay the mortgage on this place let alone feed another mouth.
And then there's the age thing to be taken into account.
Yeah, I know.
You ain't getting any younger, are you? I've been thinking.
One day they might make a musical about the history of the Trotter family.
Then as a sequel they could do Schindlers List On Ice.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you feeling slightly under-motivated tonight? There are people on death row with more motivation than me.
I've got to get another job, Cass! I get so frustrated working for Del.
I just wish he'd present me with a challenge every now and then, like I don't know giving someone their change.
Tomorrow we are trying to flog a lot of Mickey Mouse hair-dryers and a lot of aerodynamic cycling hats which are really horse riding helmets sprayed red.
And we've got a very angry Sikh after our blood.
This is not what I call job satisfaction.
Rodney, you're the only one who can change Del's attitude.
Just going out in the morning and hoping for the best is not good enough.
At the bank we always advise small businesses to target specifics to achieve maximum market penetration.
Cassandra, we're talking about Derek Trotter! To Del, 'Market Penetration' means sex under a barrow! But at least you can try to influence him.
I mean, you're involved in decision-making now, aren't you? Oh yeah, sometimes he lets me toss the coin.
Decision-making! - He's just bought himself a book.
- Del has? Yeah.
And its all words, no pictures.
It's called Modern Man, and according to the author, modern men are decisive, positive decision-makers so Del has been making decisions all over the shop! In fact, it's thanks to some of Del's decisive, positive decision-making that we have got the consignment of Mickey Mouse hair-dryers and a load of cycling hats that are really horse riding helmets sprayed red! Look, try and talk to him.
I know he jumps the gun a lot, but he does listen to you.
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
Actually I had a word with him this morning and told him hes got to stop making all these on the spot decisions.
I said to him think things through, consider it, look at all the angles and weigh up the pros and cons.
And I think it hit home.
Yeah, I'm sure he took my words on board.
I'm gonna have a vasectomy! - Did I say something? - What's brought this on? It says in my book here, that modern men take the responsibility when it comes to family planning.
Millions of men all over the world have had the snip.
They can do it while you wait.
Del, why don't you think about it for a while? Look, theres nothing to think about, sweetheart.
We can't afford to have another chavvie and I am a modern man making a positive decision.
But you've got to consider the future.
I mean, I don't want to be the prophet of doom, but what would happen if say in ten years time things didn't work out between us and we broke up.
Then you met someone else and you wanted to raise another family? Come on, don't be silly, sweetheart.
Ten years from now I won't be able to raise a smile let alone anything else! I can remember when we set off on the road to our horizon! It was bloody years ago! We had a labour government, you could eat beef.
Des O'Connor was white.
- Just look at us now! - Rodney, how can I put this? Shut up! Morning Damien.
I can make you turn your hands over without touching you.
- Yeah? - Hold your hands out.
Turn them over.
See? Mummy.
I made Uncle Rodney turn his hands over.
Alright, I grant you things are a bit bleak at the moment.
That's like saying the Antarctic's a bit nippy.
Well, I think that our fortune lies just around the corner.
We're here where the big opportunities happen.
We are at the forefront of the enterprise-culture.
Enterpri You're so enterprising you bought a load of horse-riding crash helmets! Didn't you stop to think for one moment that Peckham is not big show-jumping country? Dont you worry about that.
We'll sell 'em.
I don't know what's happened to you lately.
You seem to have stopped believing.
Dyou know what mum said to me on her deathbed? Oh no! She said, 'Del Boy, never stop believing.
Cause if you stop believing you've nothing left to hope for.
' You've got to have a dream.
If you don't have a dream, then how you gonna have a dream come true? That is exactly what she said.
See, mum, she never stopped believing.
Even after you was born.
Its all very well for you to say Del, innit But at the end of the day What's that supposed to mean? 'Even after I was born'? Alright, it wasnt your fault we didnt blame you.
- What wasn't my fault? - You being a problem child.
I weren't a problem child! I was a good boy.
Yes, I know, but you did have a problem, you kept getting taller.
What did you want me to do, stay at two foot four for the rest of me life? No, it wasnt that.
Its just that when all the other little kids you see, they could wear their trousers for a year and a half, and be no problem.
But you, after a couple of months they'd look like hotpants.
Well most of the pictures I've got of me as a schoolboy I was wearing short trousers anyway.
No, no.
They werent short trousers.
They looked like short trousers, but if you look very carefully at the bottoms of the legs you'll find that they are all fraying.
That is where a couple of months before they was rubbing at the tops of your shoes.
Anyway, listen.
I am going to make a phone call.
And just remember, Rodney.
Never stop believing.
- This is difficult.
- What's wrong? Well, I've got a bit of good news and a bit of bad news for Del - I'm applying for another job.
- Yeah? What's the bad news? That is the bad news! The good news is Im gonna stay on with Del until he can find someone suitable to replace me.
Well, that should take him about half hour.
You won't be saying that when I'm the managing director of something, will you? You got something lined up then? This is job-advertising paper.
Listen.
'Local company seeks ambitious, energetic and creative young person to join its successful sales force.
' Well, who are they describing? - No, go on.
- It's me! - Is it? - Yes! 'Experience with computers an advantage but not essential.
Successful applicant will receive full training, good salary and company vehicle.
' - Well, I'm experienced with computers.
- Yeah.
- But you've never got one to work yet, have ya? - Piss off! Yes I could call in this afternoon and sign the papers.
Alright.
OK then, youll call back.
OK.
Bonjour.
Look at that, its a new digital phone, sweetheart.
As clear as a bell.
- Was that the clinic you were talking to? - Yes.
Ill get doctored on Tuesday.
Theyre gonna call back and confirm.
- You're serious about this, aren't you? - Oh yeah, never been more serious.
Look, Del, volunteering for this vasectomy is very brave and thoughtful of you, and I'm flattered that you're doing it for me.
But you don't have to do it.
No, its alright.
I think it's for the best, sweetheart.
Alright.
But I don't want you coming back to me and saying, 'It's all your fault, Raquel!' if you get a bit you know sore.
As if I would! That will be them.
Answer the phone, sweetheart, and be posh, will you? - What? - Be posh.
- I dont want everything for a couple of hippidy-ois! - Yes, sir! Hello, how may I help you? Oh hello, I'm phoning about the job advertised in the Peckham Echo.
Hold the line, caller.
Have you put an ad in the Peckham Echo? Yeah, for some help for Rodney.
Who's that? Rodney.
What's he phoning me for? He's only in the bloody living room.
No, he's applying for the job.
What do you mean? He's applying to assist himself? Wait a minute.
I gotta think about this.
Press hold, it plays a tune.
I'll put you on hold whilst I connect you to our marketing department.
Thank you.
Treacherous little git! I'm gonna wind him right up.
- No, Del, don't.
He'll feel embarrassed.
- With any luck.
Hallo, this is the Marketing Manager, yes! Sorry Ive kept you.
My name is Ivor Hardy Hello Mr Hardy.
- And you are? - My name's Rodney Trotter.
Oh, Rodney Tro You're not one of the Trotter brothers, are you? No, I havent got a brother.
Thats alright then.
Because I've heard some rumours about them.
Right couple of scallywags so Im told! Mind you the elder one's alright, hes intelligent.
Quite a brilliant businessman, Ive heard.
No, no, its the other one.
It's his dippy younger brother thats the problem.
Oh well, like I say I havent got a brother.
Now, you mention a good salary and a company vehicle.
Could you tell me a little bit more about that, please? Yes, I can ride a bike.
- Alright, Rodders? - Just one moment.
Yeah, yeah, fine.
- Just on the phone to Cassandra.
- Oh, yeah? Alright is she? Yeah, terrific.
- Give her my love.
- Yeah, I will do.
- And give her yours.
- Eh? Give her your love! You see, in my book it says that a man must give the lady in his life his love every so often, especially if she is pregnant.
- So go on, you tell her you love her.
- No, I feel embarrassed.
You dont have to be embarrassed, do ya? I mean, I am the only one here, and I'm the one who suggested to do it! Go on, tell her.
- Later.
- No, no, you tell her now, Rodney! I love you.
- Sorry, what did you say? - Nothing.
I just coughed.
Oh, thats alright.
For a minute I thought you said you loved me.
No, I just coughed, honest.
So what exactly do you sell and what would the successful applicants duties be, please? Well we sell anything we can lay our hands on, isn't it? And your duties would be, you see, to take all this crap down to the market and you sell it from a suitcase.
I think that youre just the man that weve been looking for, Mr Trotter.
Cause we're always on the lookout for dirty little plonkers like you! Did you put this ad in the paper, Derek? Yes I did, Rodney! Goodbye.
I don't believe this! The one job in the paper I really fancied and its mine! So what's going on then? You were gonna find someone else and then get rid of me? I was gonna get rid.
You were trying to get rid of me! Weren't you? What was that? No, I havent got a brother.
If you must know, Rodney, I was trying to get you some help.
Right? That was all.
What with Cassandra being in the situation that she is, I thought that any time now you might have to dash off so I thought that you could do with a little bit of help.
Take some weight off your shoulders.
I didn't realise.
Thanks, Del and I'm sorry.
Thats alright.
Anyway, whats all this about you wanting to get another job? I really hit home the other day.
When the baby's born we gotta fill in the birth certificate, right? There's a section there that says: 'Father's Occupation'.
And I thought, what am I gonna put? A gofer! No.
You are gonna put 'Sales Director.
' Cause, you know what I'm gonna do with the business? I'm going to expand.
Rodney, you are gonna be in charge of selling and I'm gonna be in charge of purchasing.
So what will happen is, that you will be in the marketplace, you'll be selling.
I'll be up there in the factories and the warehouses and I will be buying.
And if you find a line is going particularly well, all you gotta do is you get on the blower to me and say, - Del Boy, buy, buy, buy.
- Yeah! And then you could get on the blower to me and go sell, sell, sell! - Yeah, thats a good idea, that! - We should have done this ages ago.
- Exactly.
It's called expansion.
- And then we will streamline the business.
Thats alright.
Thats what well do.
We will expand by streamlining! Come on.
Let's go down to Sid's caff.
Whenever we reach historic moments like this I feel like a fry-up! Rodders! Get down! - What's happening? - It's that Doctor Singh! - Its alright, hes gone now.
That was a close one.
- He's gonna catch us eventually.
Yeah, well we'll cross that bridge when we come to it Rodney, I've been thinking.
- What about? - Im gonna have a vasectomy.
Whats the matter? Has it gone down the wrong hole, or what? A vasectomy? Keep your voice down, will ya? How does Raquel feel about it? No, I'm having it done! I know that! Bloody hell! I meant, have you discussed it with Raquel? Yes of course I have! Last night in bed, I said 'Sweetheart, I'm gonna have a vasectomy.
' - So it was quite an in-depth discussion? - You can't make these decisions lightly, can you? Ive thought about it and I cant really afford another kid.
And we havent got room in the flat.
Anyway, we both agreed.
What do we want with another kid for? We've got Damien and he's like two kids rolled into one, ain't he? Me and Raquel have only gotta look at each other and she's three months gone.
I think I got a lot of them You know, tadpoles.
Tadpoles? Yeah, you know.
You see them on the telly under the microscope.
I got a lot of them as well! Doctor said.
Yeah I know, but the doctor reckons that I have got probably more tadpoles than they got on the Serpentine! You gonna have it done at the hospital? I'm not gonna let Trigger do it with his Black and Decker, am I? I meant, are you going to the hospital or the local clinic? Ill probably go to the clinic.
Rodney, I want your advice.
You know when a lot of rich and successful people when they have this thing done they leave a lot of their tadpoles in this bank.
Do they? The thing is, do you think that I ought do that? You could do.
I don't know what Nat West will think about it.
No, not Nat West! Not that sort of Bank.
Its a special bank where they freeze it all.
Oh, the Cause the thing is, when I'm rich and famous, then theyll be able to use it, wont they? Cause then theyll be lots of little Damiens running about.
No! I mean, you could upset Raquel.
Cause psychologically, she might think that you were being unfaithful to her.
Cause you know how a woman's mind works.
I never thought of that, Rodders.
Youre right.
Good thinking.
Well, come on, onwards and upwards.
Dont you say nothing to nobody about this, alright? Of course not.
Thank you, Sid, that was horrible as usual.
Cheers, Del.
- Sid.
Del's having a vasectomy.
- A vasectomy? Del Boy's having a vasectomy.
- The doctor will be with you in a moment.
- Thank you, nurse.
- Mr Trotter.
- Doctor Singh.
Listen, about that paint I sold you for your surgery.
Oh, let's not worry about that, I have work to do.
- Not nervous are you? - Just a tad you know.
I mean, this is my first time.
Mine too! - My, my, my! You are a big man, Mr Trotter.
- Oh, thank you doctor.
You should go on a diet.
I always say that, just to relax the patient.
Yeah, I've got to remember that one next time I have some bloke's vitals in me hands.
I'll have to give you a small injection just to numb the area.
Alright, thank you.
This might sting a bit.
What's wrong? Its alright, sweetheart! Just I got a touch of cramp.
Tell me Raquel.
What do you think about this vasectomy idea? I don't mind, honest.
Alright, Raquel, you win! I won't have it done.
So what finally put you off having a vasectomy then? Didnt have the balls? No, it wasnt that.
Look, I wasn't frightened! It was a medical reason.
I kept thinking about them tadpoles.
- What about 'em? - Well where do they go? What d'you mean? Well when you have the operation it stops 'em from going well, taking their normal route.
So where do they go? What, you worried about 'em hanging round on street corners? All I'm saying is they've gotta go somewhere.
It got to such a point I thought I'd be frightened to sneeze.
- Caught you at last, Mr Trotter.
- Doctor Singh, how nice to see you again.
Have you seen my surgery recently? That paint you sold me is peeling off in great chunks.
It's a medical practice, Mr Trotter, and it looks as if my walls have got scabies! Patients are leaving me.
The thing is, Dr Singh, we didn't realise until some time after that the paint was ever so slightly out of date, did we, Rodney? No.
We spotted a tin and we noticed it should have been used by June 1983.
I want something done about it and fast! Yes of course, Doctor Singh.
I will send someone from my painting and decorating department round to see you first thing in the morning.
If you don't Mr Trotter, I'll be back! Yes, thank you, Doctor Singh.
Im missing you already 'I'll be back'! He always says that.
Do you know what his nickname is? The Turbanator.
- Turban-ator.
- I don't believe you sometimes! Doctor Singh is an honest, law-abiding man.
You knew that paint was iffy.
Im supposed to be some sort of paint expert now, am I? Don't give me all that rubbish about him being a law-abiding citizen! I mean look at him now, hes riding that bike without a crash helmet.
He's a Sikh! Under the law Sikhs are excused crashed hats! How's he gonna fit a helmet over that turban? I never thought of that.
I suppose that's why you never see a Sikh astronaut, innit? More than likely, Del.
I am not wearing it, alright? It's half past five and that's my going home time! Rodney, opportunities don't stop presenting themselves because Cassandra has got the sprouts on! Its bloody stupid, and I'm not doing it, alright? Rodney, there are millions of Sikhs out there riding motor cycles that are going completely unprotected.
And this is going to solve their problem.
Allow me to introduce my new company, TCT! - TCT? - Yes, Trotters Crash Turbans.
This is our opportunity to do something for our fellow men, Rodney.
It is also an opportunity for you to get rid of them horse-riding crash-helmets you got lumbered with.
- Hang about, this is at the prototype, innit? - It is not a prototype! It is a show-jumping helmet with one of Raquel's old scarves glued on top! That is because Raquel is She said to me, 'Del Boy, you can anything you want, because I want to do my bit for mankind'.
- Look! Look! I mean Look! - I think you look rather dashing.
I look like a human-cannonball who's just crashed into a washing line.
God, I hate vanity! You take my word for it, Rodney.
Once you take this over to Wembley and Southall and show the Sikh community this in all its glory - Take it over and show it to them? - Yes, of course! Cause then well sell them by the thousands.
We can then export them to Australia, America, the Far East.
You expect me to go and sell this? Well, you are my new director of sales, aren't you? They'll smash my head in! Of course they won't, they're peaceful loving people.
Anyway even if they do, you'll be wearing a Trotter Crash Turban! A perfect opportunity to prove how effective it is! You know it makes sense.
All I know is I am not stepping out of that front door dressed like this! - Alright, Rodney? - Hi, Raquel.
- During the war.
- Will you shut up? Can't you see that Rodney and I are in the middle of a very important board meeting? We dont wanna hear stories about U-Boats and giant squids! I was just gonna say that during the war I spent some time in India and I got to know a little about the Sikh religion.
What I discovered was, that to a Sikh a turban has mystical powers which are supposed to enter the body.
In other words it has to be in contact with the head.
Yeah, see? And this ain't in contact with the head cause there's a bloody horse riding helmet in between! Alright, I havent finalized the design yet, have I? What Ill do is, well just get a little piece, like this and well stuff it up inside there, so it is in contact with the head! Yeah? Raquel, what do you think? I can't see it catching on, Del.
I mean, what would you wear with it? Is that my scarf? Don't worry, Ill buy you another one.
Will you please understand, Raquel, this is not a fashion statement.
I guessed that, Derek.
I guessed that! No, it is a safety device.
Del, people would rather be critically injured than wear this! Answer that will you? Look, mark my words.
Three months from now you'll be seeing this on Tomorrow's World.
More like Wayne's World.
I am not going on Tomorrow's World dressed like this.
Rodney, it's Cassandra's bank for you.
She's probably got another late meeting.
Come on, giss it here.
Raquel, alright.
Now listen to me.
They laughed when they invented the air bag, didnt they? No they didnt, they were a good invention.
Alright, tell me one invention that they did laugh at when it was first seen.
- That! - Yeah, I'm on my way, thank you.
What's up, Rodders? Theyve rushed Cassandra to hospital.
She's had a miscarriage.
Alright, Rodders.
Alright, mate.
Come on, calm down, Im with you.
Stay here, stay here.
Excuse me, can you tell me which ward Mrs Trotter is in please? - Are you Mr Trotter? - Yes, I am.
- Come this way please.
- Yes, OK.
Alright, Rodney.
Come on, this way.
Oi! Are you having a laugh with me, or something? Ive been here nearly 20 minutes already, and the only person in this poxy hospital whos spoken to me, is this old cow! Im sorry sir, but were very busy.
This way please.
Could you put these on, please.
It's just a precaution.
Mrs Trotter is in a single room, number 46, down there on the right.
She is naturally still very upset and we don't want her being excited in any way.
Of course not, thank you.
Can I put one of them on, please? - Who are you? - I'm her husband.
- Who the hell's that then? - Hes my brother.
Del? What the bloody hell am I going to say to her? Don't worry, Rodney.
You'll say something, it'll just come to you.
Just listen to me, Rodney, at this pacific moment in time, Cassandra she don't need doom and gloom.
She needs you to be optimistic.
Oh yeah, I feel optimistic right now, don't I? I don't care how you feel, you just gotta be! - You dont care how I feel? - No.
You can do your weeping and crying in the van on the way home! Right now you've got to be a rock for Cassandra.
I want you to go in there and I want you to talk to her.
Talk to her about the future, not the past or the present, but about the future.
Because you two, you two, you got some really good times to come.
It is strange how I find that hard to believe right now.
Well, you got to believe it.
Because it's true.
Right now Cassandra needs your strength.
Now, you go in there, and I dont want no sobbing, no booing.
You just give her comfort and understanding.
Alright? - Right.
- Good boy.
You know it makes sense, eh? I'm sorry, Rodney! What are you saying sorry for? Don't be silly.
- I let you down! I let everyone down! - Of course you havent! It happens, Cass, it just happens.
There was nothing you or I could have done.
You mustnt blame yourself, sweetheart.
You havent let anybody down.
Has she, Rodney? Tell her, this time next year, go on.
Yeah I will.
I think maybe this might be a good time for us to be on our own to discuss a few things.
Yeah, I think you're right, bruv.
Cassandra, me and Rodney are going outside for a little chat.
No, I mean me and Cassandra.
We be on our own.
Yeah, alright.
OK.
I'll see you later, Cassandra.
Ill see you outside, Rodney.
I lost our baby.
I can't leave you alone with anything, can I? We're gonna get over this, Cass, and we are going to win.
D'you know why? Cause were strong.
We are very very strong.
Things are gonna get better and better and better for us.
- I love you, Rodney.
- I love you, Cass.
I love you so much.
It sort of burnt me right across the forehead here.
See, the bloke who sold it to me said it was a hair-dryer, it turns out to be an electric paint-stripper.
If you like to come with me, Mr Fisher.
Oi! Why's he getting seen before me? I don't know why people bother to pay their national health stamps.
Cause if I'd ever had a job I wouldn't have paid for 'em.
Would you please keep your voice down? No.
It's a free country and I'll shout as much as I bloody well like! You're looking after all these bleeding malingerers here, where I should be top of your list.
Now, I took some pills earlier on today, now, I've no idea what they were cause I was drunk.
Now they're starting to upset me a little bit! You nurses, youre always whinging about low wages.
You don't deserve anything better.
Do you hear that? You're all sodding useless.
- Excuse me, sir.
- What? Feeling better sir? Yes, thank you, doctor.
All part of the service.
Bonjour.
I bet you wish you'd gone private now, don't you? NVL
I don't want a big thing made of it, you know.
I mean, me and Cassandra are having a baby, that's all.
Yeah, but you know what Del's like.
Any excuse for a celebration.
You don't think Del'd mind if I borrowed some of his after-shave, do you? What do you want to use after-shave for? You've got Epping bloody Forest growing round your chops! I just wanted to smell nice, that's all.
Well in that case, don't use Del's after-shave! Oh, there you are Rodders, I didn't hear you arrive.
Go on, help yourself to a dry roasted.
Where's Cassandra then? Raquel wanted to show her something in the bedroom.
It's them baby clothes she's got for you.
Oh, she shouldn't have done that.
No, it's aright, they're some of Damien's old clothes.
- Suit your nipper a treat they will.
- Yeah I'm just gonna get myself a beer.
If it's a boy d'you reckon it'll look like Rodney? It don't matter as long as it's healthy.
No, I know what Raquel's doing, she's showing Cassandra some of them new clothes I bought her.
- New clothes? It's not her birthday, is it? - No, it's not her birthday.
Well, they're not 'new' clothes, they're as good as.
And it means I done me bit for charity.
Ah, Rodders there you are, you seen this? Its my book, Modern Man.
Its brilliant, it is.
It says here: 'you shouldn't wait for a special occasion to give your loved one a present.
Arrive home with a little surprise any day of the week, and help keep your relationship exciting'.
I done that, you know.
It says: 'Your partner should never have to seek attention from you.
A compliment is the easiest thing to give and the nicest thing to receive.
' It's obvious when you come to think about it.
I mean, it's far easier to say something nice than to say something nasty, innit? - Well? - Yes, very well, thank you darling! Oh! Good.
- You look lovely, Raquel.
- Thank you very much, Albert.
Yes, you look very nice, Raquel.
Thank you.
Wait till you see this.
- And you look lovely, Cassandra.
- Thank you, Albert.
Oh, there you are, sweetheart.
How's my little nephew? Get off! - Well.
What d'you think? - Well, its a bit difficult, Raquel.
You see, Rodney and I are both opposed to the fur trade.
I think, what Cass is trying to say is, we both think it looked better on the animal.
Whatever that was.
Innit marvelous? Del buys Raquel a coat and you two have a pop at her! Del bought it? Oh, I'm sorry, Raquel, I thought it was real! No no, no, dopey, no, thats stimulated fur! - Sorry, didn't realise.
- Well, there you go! I tell you what we are going to do then.
Cause little Damien's downstairs with the babysitter, were gonna have a couple of glasses of the old champagne here then its down the Nag's Head for some decent celebrations.
Alright? - You are on the orange juice, alright? - Yes, thank you, doctor.
Thats alright.
All part of the service.
- Del.
I feel a bit embarrassed.
- You don't need to.
I mean you got a tie, and suit, the full Monty.
I didn't mean that, I mean I've only got 20 quid on me.
- Cor, what have you done with your wages? - This is me wages.
Oh thats right.
I remember weve had a bit of a hard week, bruv.
I know.
I was there! Well, I'm even worse off than you.
I spent all my money on Raquel's dress.
Still, dont matter.
Tonight's festivities we can put on the slate.
- Would you reckon Mike'll stand it? - Yeah, of course he will.
- He's a diamond that boy, absolute diamond.
- Well I hope you're right And oi, when are you gonna say something nice to Raquel? She's got herself all done up and you ain't said a word.
Well, I was reading me book, weren't I? Alright, alright, dont worry.
I'll think of something nice to say.
Youre quite right.
Come on, let's go.
Come on then girls, ladies and gentlemen, time to celebrate.
Go on Rodney, you got the girls, Here you are Albert, this is yours.
- I don't believe it! - What's that? You see this girl here.
I worked with her years ago when I was in show business.
She was just a kid then! Look at her now, she's about to appear in the new James Bond film! Pierce Brosnan.
You don't need Pierce Brosnan dear, you've got me.
Yes, haven't I just? I tell you what, Raquel.
If she can be in a James Bond film, so could you.
- Oh shut up.
- No, you could.
- Don't be silly.
- I'm serious.
Look at her, she's a dog.
So that's a G&T for Raquel, Tequila Slammer for Rodney, orange juice for Cassandra.
Oh by the way, that Indian bloke, Doctor Singh was in earlier, wanted to talk to you.
- Something about some paint you sold him.
- Oh really, was he really? He seemed very anxious to speak to you, Del.
Have you gpt problems, mate? No, no! Just a minor misunderstanding.
Nothing that can't be sorted out with a civilized chat.
If he calls in again, Mike, would you tell him I've gone to live in New Zealand? I think I can remember that.
Here, have Rodney and Cassandra thought of a name for the baby yet? No, not yet, Mike.
It's early days, she's only just a little bit pregnant.
Shes got a long way to go.
Still, shows Rodney got the hang of it in the end.
Oh yes! He's a Trotter alright.
We don't stop till the job's finished.
Right, now then, what have we got here? Weve got a Harvey Wall Banger for me thats a cognac for Boycie, vodka and lime, thats for Marlene Cubre Libre, thats for Denzil rum and blackcurrant for Bobby Crush over there, scotches for the market lads, pint of diesel for Trigger - Mickey, what you and your boys want? - Canadian Clubs all round, Del.
Cheers.
Canadian Clubs all around over there and have one yourself, Michael.
- Cheers, Del.
Call it 25 quid for cash.
- OK, right.
Put it on the slate.
No slate, mate.
I've had a visit from the brewery.
Alright.
OK, look.
There's a fiver, and Would you Adam and Eve it? I've only gone and left me wallet at home.
I remember now Damien was playing with it.
I was teaching him on financial management, you know, how to avoid expensive pubs, that sort of thing.
I'll sell them to someone else then, Del.
- No you cant, these are second-hand.
- I'll sell them cheap then! Alright, I'll give you a fiver for them now.
Look Del, it's not my fault, it's the brewery! They've brought in this revolutionary new rule.
From now on customers have to pay for their drinks.
I hate all these newfangled ideas! Hang about.
Dont go away.
I have managed to lay my hands on these radically new designed hair-dryers.
Normally they retail at £69.
99 up in Regents Street, but for you, 15 nicker.
Del, look at my hair.
What do I need with one of them? I've only gotta stick me head out the window for ten seconds and it's bone dry! But you see, this is different, cause this, you see that? That has got what they call a volumiser on it.
You see, that gives all your hair a body and everything.
So I could end up looking like Lilly Savage? Very tempting, Del.
I'm giving it to you Michael, aint I, eh? Go on then, give us it here.
But you still owe me a tenner! I tell you what.
You are a bit of a gambling man, ain't ya? Ill tell you what.
Ill have a little bet with ya.
Double or quits.
Now, the thing is If I win I give you this fiver for this round of drinks.
But if you win, I owe you a tenner.
- You already owe me a tenner! - You've got nothing to lose then, have you? Trig! Just a minute! You'll like this, Trig, watch this.
A little bet were having here.
OK then, Michael.
I bet if you put your hands out, in front of you I can make you turn them over without touching you.
You can make me turn me hands over without touching me? Exactly.
It's called 'The Power of Positive Thought'.
Alright, off you go.
Put your hands out in front of you.
No, the other way There you go.
Thats it, thank you.
Alright, there you go.
Help yourselves, you can.
I have been in the motor-trade for many years now, and until recently I never thought of the damage fumes did to our world.
- Now let me explain to you my theory.
- Right, Mike, same again please, will ya? Just allow me to continue.
This is my theory: The future holds the key to all our success.
You better not tell Raquel's Dad that, he's an antiques dealer.
Now recently I have invested a lot of money in electric cars.
Yeah, he bought Tyler a Scalectrix set.
I'm not talking about model bloody racing cars, for Gawd's sake! Oi, Rodney, come on! Get up, it's your round.
If it's the same as the last round it'll be 25 quid.
- 25 qu Mike? - No! - Alright, Dave? - Hello Trig.
I can make you turn your hands over without touching you.
I can make you turn your hands over without touching you.
Come on, hold 'em out.
No, the other way.
See? There you go, Dave.
Well done, Albert, very nice.
Congratulations Albert, it reminded me of the theme track from Noddy, the Movie.
Boycie's right about one thing, Del.
I mean, you and Rodney should be thinking about your children's future.
- You know what I'm saying? - You gotta send 'em to private school.
Leave it out Boycie, we cant afford to send our kids private! Anyway, another round please, Mike.
Come on Boycie, your turn.
Our Tyler's been private since he was three.
He's 7 now and he can almost write his name.
Can he really? Here, darling.
Perhaps we ought to scrimp and save and send little Damien private.
Well, I ain't sending my child private.
There's nothing wrong with state education.
I'm not sending Damien to our old school, Dockside Secondary Modern.
Ooh, that was a tough old place.
See, Rodney, we didn't stand a chance of a decent education because of the size of the classes.
Fifty, sixty to a class.
You're exaggerating, your classes weren't that big! By the time the teacher had finished reading the register it was dinner time.
You could tell the calibre of our school too, by the head boy.
- Who was it? - Trigger.
- Did you call, Del? - Ah, there you are, Trig.
- We was just talking about our old school.
- Alright, come on, let's ask Trig.
And you lot stay quiet, no prompting! Trigger, did you have big classes at your old school? - No, not very big.
- See? High ceilings though.
And a few low ones.
Remember your accident? Oh yeah.
Trig was walking through one of the corridors and he smacked right into a Mind Your Head sign.
Gave him a right clout.
His family sued the education authorities for brain-damage.
The judge awarded him £7.
50.
How d'you walk into a 'Mind Your Head' sign? Didn't you see it? Of course I saw it, but in those days I couldn't read.
- Anybody gonna collect these drinks or what? - Yeah, I'll get 'em.
Come on Boycie, cough up! There you are.
I want change.
- Rodney, congratulations mate.
- Thanks, Mickey.
Here, I was down Sid's Caff yesterday and that Doctor Singh came in looking for Del Boy.
- Did he? - He struck me as an angry man.
What's it all about? Its something to do with some paint and his surgery.
I mean, at the end of the day it's not my problem, is it? I just work for Del.
Yeah.
That's just it.
You're just an employee.
You just follow orders.
You pick things up, you put things down, you pick things up again.
Yeah.
But I do think for myself.
It's hardly a job requirement, is it? I mean, I started a new job last month.
Good money, company car, the lot.
And its not a fly-by-night firm.
They're soon in Panorama.
What are you then? A double-glazing salesman? - No I am not! Although it is to do with glass.
- What, windows? Not windows.
Solar windows! I mean, its a whole new concept in user-friendly heating.
- You're a salesman.
- No, I'm more like a scientist! It's double-glazing, innit? No, no, no.
I mean, fair enough, it does involve two panes of glass, but it's not double-glazing.
This company is very profile-conscious and customer-driven.
I'm executive of area perspective and overview, and Im recruiting new staff.
I'm doing interviews every Monday at Burger Kings.
You're a double-glazing salesman, ain't you? Yeah.
It's gotta be better than working for Del, innit? I mean, you're like a 34 year old paperboy.
I might not be working for him much longer.
I got me eye out for something Raquel! I just came up to give you a hand with the drinks.
Oh, yeah.
Thats yours.
Now, you listen.
There is a few young up ad coming firms who are after me.
Oh yeah, I bet you're being head-hunted by Ian Beale.
Well, you'd better do some-thing quick, you've got a kid on the way.
Ladies and Gentlemen, will you please raise your glasses to our future Mum and Dad, Cassandra and Rodney.
- Cassandra and Rodney! - Dave! Goodnight, champ.
Dream us some luck.
Its alright.
Hes Sound Dough.
Oh my God! - Well what do you think, eh? - Theyre very nice, Del.
They're very nice.
Yes, I got em off Monkey Harris, £7.
50, can't be bad, can it? Lovely.
There we go.
Lovely Jubbly.
Dyou know, It says here a bloke's supposed to make contact with his feminine side.
Did you know that geezers had feminine sides? Well, I've read about it.
Look, I wouldn't worry, I don't think it applies to you.
Thank God for that.
I thought I had to wear a blouse or something.
Del, can we talk for a minute? I heard Rodney and his mate, Mickey Pearce talking tonight.
He's started a new job.
Mickey Pearce, you must be joking! That bloke's been on the dole for so long, they invite him to the staff dance.
- Del, will you do something for me? - Yes, of course.
- Let me finish the bottom of this page.
- No! Give Rodney a proper job.
- What do you mean? He's got a proper job.
- No he hasn't, he works for you.
- Well that is a proper job.
- Alright, what does he do? He lifts things, he keeps his eye open, he drives the van.
And how would you describe his job? Give it a name, a title.
He's a Rodney.
Give him a job and a title he can be proud of.
In seven months he'll be a father.
Listen Raquel, you do not know Rodney like I do.
I mean, hes not really very astute.
If he was left in charge we wouldn't be where we are today.
- No? - No.
Hes got no business sense.
Hes the sort of bloke, if he had a flower shop he'd close on St.
Valentines Day.
Make him feel important.
Do something to help him.
If you must know, I am doing that very same thing.
I'm trying to find some help for Rodney.
What with Cassandra being in the situation she is, he might have to dash off at any time, so Ive put the word about, I'm looking for some part time help to take the weight off Rodneys shoulders.
- That's nice of you.
- Well, I'm that sort of bloke, arent I? - You know this thing with Cassandra.
- You mean her pregnancy? - Not making you broody, is it? - No! I never want to go through a pregnancy again.
- Why, it hurt, did it? - Stung a bit.
- Yeah, I could tell.
- What gave it away? All that screaming? Yeah, that was a clue.
Still, he was worth it in the end, weren't he? Yeah, of course he was.
It's not just that.
There's the financial side as well.
I mean, we can barely afford to pay the mortgage on this place let alone feed another mouth.
And then there's the age thing to be taken into account.
Yeah, I know.
You ain't getting any younger, are you? I've been thinking.
One day they might make a musical about the history of the Trotter family.
Then as a sequel they could do Schindlers List On Ice.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you feeling slightly under-motivated tonight? There are people on death row with more motivation than me.
I've got to get another job, Cass! I get so frustrated working for Del.
I just wish he'd present me with a challenge every now and then, like I don't know giving someone their change.
Tomorrow we are trying to flog a lot of Mickey Mouse hair-dryers and a lot of aerodynamic cycling hats which are really horse riding helmets sprayed red.
And we've got a very angry Sikh after our blood.
This is not what I call job satisfaction.
Rodney, you're the only one who can change Del's attitude.
Just going out in the morning and hoping for the best is not good enough.
At the bank we always advise small businesses to target specifics to achieve maximum market penetration.
Cassandra, we're talking about Derek Trotter! To Del, 'Market Penetration' means sex under a barrow! But at least you can try to influence him.
I mean, you're involved in decision-making now, aren't you? Oh yeah, sometimes he lets me toss the coin.
Decision-making! - He's just bought himself a book.
- Del has? Yeah.
And its all words, no pictures.
It's called Modern Man, and according to the author, modern men are decisive, positive decision-makers so Del has been making decisions all over the shop! In fact, it's thanks to some of Del's decisive, positive decision-making that we have got the consignment of Mickey Mouse hair-dryers and a load of cycling hats that are really horse riding helmets sprayed red! Look, try and talk to him.
I know he jumps the gun a lot, but he does listen to you.
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
Actually I had a word with him this morning and told him hes got to stop making all these on the spot decisions.
I said to him think things through, consider it, look at all the angles and weigh up the pros and cons.
And I think it hit home.
Yeah, I'm sure he took my words on board.
I'm gonna have a vasectomy! - Did I say something? - What's brought this on? It says in my book here, that modern men take the responsibility when it comes to family planning.
Millions of men all over the world have had the snip.
They can do it while you wait.
Del, why don't you think about it for a while? Look, theres nothing to think about, sweetheart.
We can't afford to have another chavvie and I am a modern man making a positive decision.
But you've got to consider the future.
I mean, I don't want to be the prophet of doom, but what would happen if say in ten years time things didn't work out between us and we broke up.
Then you met someone else and you wanted to raise another family? Come on, don't be silly, sweetheart.
Ten years from now I won't be able to raise a smile let alone anything else! I can remember when we set off on the road to our horizon! It was bloody years ago! We had a labour government, you could eat beef.
Des O'Connor was white.
- Just look at us now! - Rodney, how can I put this? Shut up! Morning Damien.
I can make you turn your hands over without touching you.
- Yeah? - Hold your hands out.
Turn them over.
See? Mummy.
I made Uncle Rodney turn his hands over.
Alright, I grant you things are a bit bleak at the moment.
That's like saying the Antarctic's a bit nippy.
Well, I think that our fortune lies just around the corner.
We're here where the big opportunities happen.
We are at the forefront of the enterprise-culture.
Enterpri You're so enterprising you bought a load of horse-riding crash helmets! Didn't you stop to think for one moment that Peckham is not big show-jumping country? Dont you worry about that.
We'll sell 'em.
I don't know what's happened to you lately.
You seem to have stopped believing.
Dyou know what mum said to me on her deathbed? Oh no! She said, 'Del Boy, never stop believing.
Cause if you stop believing you've nothing left to hope for.
' You've got to have a dream.
If you don't have a dream, then how you gonna have a dream come true? That is exactly what she said.
See, mum, she never stopped believing.
Even after you was born.
Its all very well for you to say Del, innit But at the end of the day What's that supposed to mean? 'Even after I was born'? Alright, it wasnt your fault we didnt blame you.
- What wasn't my fault? - You being a problem child.
I weren't a problem child! I was a good boy.
Yes, I know, but you did have a problem, you kept getting taller.
What did you want me to do, stay at two foot four for the rest of me life? No, it wasnt that.
Its just that when all the other little kids you see, they could wear their trousers for a year and a half, and be no problem.
But you, after a couple of months they'd look like hotpants.
Well most of the pictures I've got of me as a schoolboy I was wearing short trousers anyway.
No, no.
They werent short trousers.
They looked like short trousers, but if you look very carefully at the bottoms of the legs you'll find that they are all fraying.
That is where a couple of months before they was rubbing at the tops of your shoes.
Anyway, listen.
I am going to make a phone call.
And just remember, Rodney.
Never stop believing.
- This is difficult.
- What's wrong? Well, I've got a bit of good news and a bit of bad news for Del - I'm applying for another job.
- Yeah? What's the bad news? That is the bad news! The good news is Im gonna stay on with Del until he can find someone suitable to replace me.
Well, that should take him about half hour.
You won't be saying that when I'm the managing director of something, will you? You got something lined up then? This is job-advertising paper.
Listen.
'Local company seeks ambitious, energetic and creative young person to join its successful sales force.
' Well, who are they describing? - No, go on.
- It's me! - Is it? - Yes! 'Experience with computers an advantage but not essential.
Successful applicant will receive full training, good salary and company vehicle.
' - Well, I'm experienced with computers.
- Yeah.
- But you've never got one to work yet, have ya? - Piss off! Yes I could call in this afternoon and sign the papers.
Alright.
OK then, youll call back.
OK.
Bonjour.
Look at that, its a new digital phone, sweetheart.
As clear as a bell.
- Was that the clinic you were talking to? - Yes.
Ill get doctored on Tuesday.
Theyre gonna call back and confirm.
- You're serious about this, aren't you? - Oh yeah, never been more serious.
Look, Del, volunteering for this vasectomy is very brave and thoughtful of you, and I'm flattered that you're doing it for me.
But you don't have to do it.
No, its alright.
I think it's for the best, sweetheart.
Alright.
But I don't want you coming back to me and saying, 'It's all your fault, Raquel!' if you get a bit you know sore.
As if I would! That will be them.
Answer the phone, sweetheart, and be posh, will you? - What? - Be posh.
- I dont want everything for a couple of hippidy-ois! - Yes, sir! Hello, how may I help you? Oh hello, I'm phoning about the job advertised in the Peckham Echo.
Hold the line, caller.
Have you put an ad in the Peckham Echo? Yeah, for some help for Rodney.
Who's that? Rodney.
What's he phoning me for? He's only in the bloody living room.
No, he's applying for the job.
What do you mean? He's applying to assist himself? Wait a minute.
I gotta think about this.
Press hold, it plays a tune.
I'll put you on hold whilst I connect you to our marketing department.
Thank you.
Treacherous little git! I'm gonna wind him right up.
- No, Del, don't.
He'll feel embarrassed.
- With any luck.
Hallo, this is the Marketing Manager, yes! Sorry Ive kept you.
My name is Ivor Hardy Hello Mr Hardy.
- And you are? - My name's Rodney Trotter.
Oh, Rodney Tro You're not one of the Trotter brothers, are you? No, I havent got a brother.
Thats alright then.
Because I've heard some rumours about them.
Right couple of scallywags so Im told! Mind you the elder one's alright, hes intelligent.
Quite a brilliant businessman, Ive heard.
No, no, its the other one.
It's his dippy younger brother thats the problem.
Oh well, like I say I havent got a brother.
Now, you mention a good salary and a company vehicle.
Could you tell me a little bit more about that, please? Yes, I can ride a bike.
- Alright, Rodders? - Just one moment.
Yeah, yeah, fine.
- Just on the phone to Cassandra.
- Oh, yeah? Alright is she? Yeah, terrific.
- Give her my love.
- Yeah, I will do.
- And give her yours.
- Eh? Give her your love! You see, in my book it says that a man must give the lady in his life his love every so often, especially if she is pregnant.
- So go on, you tell her you love her.
- No, I feel embarrassed.
You dont have to be embarrassed, do ya? I mean, I am the only one here, and I'm the one who suggested to do it! Go on, tell her.
- Later.
- No, no, you tell her now, Rodney! I love you.
- Sorry, what did you say? - Nothing.
I just coughed.
Oh, thats alright.
For a minute I thought you said you loved me.
No, I just coughed, honest.
So what exactly do you sell and what would the successful applicants duties be, please? Well we sell anything we can lay our hands on, isn't it? And your duties would be, you see, to take all this crap down to the market and you sell it from a suitcase.
I think that youre just the man that weve been looking for, Mr Trotter.
Cause we're always on the lookout for dirty little plonkers like you! Did you put this ad in the paper, Derek? Yes I did, Rodney! Goodbye.
I don't believe this! The one job in the paper I really fancied and its mine! So what's going on then? You were gonna find someone else and then get rid of me? I was gonna get rid.
You were trying to get rid of me! Weren't you? What was that? No, I havent got a brother.
If you must know, Rodney, I was trying to get you some help.
Right? That was all.
What with Cassandra being in the situation that she is, I thought that any time now you might have to dash off so I thought that you could do with a little bit of help.
Take some weight off your shoulders.
I didn't realise.
Thanks, Del and I'm sorry.
Thats alright.
Anyway, whats all this about you wanting to get another job? I really hit home the other day.
When the baby's born we gotta fill in the birth certificate, right? There's a section there that says: 'Father's Occupation'.
And I thought, what am I gonna put? A gofer! No.
You are gonna put 'Sales Director.
' Cause, you know what I'm gonna do with the business? I'm going to expand.
Rodney, you are gonna be in charge of selling and I'm gonna be in charge of purchasing.
So what will happen is, that you will be in the marketplace, you'll be selling.
I'll be up there in the factories and the warehouses and I will be buying.
And if you find a line is going particularly well, all you gotta do is you get on the blower to me and say, - Del Boy, buy, buy, buy.
- Yeah! And then you could get on the blower to me and go sell, sell, sell! - Yeah, thats a good idea, that! - We should have done this ages ago.
- Exactly.
It's called expansion.
- And then we will streamline the business.
Thats alright.
Thats what well do.
We will expand by streamlining! Come on.
Let's go down to Sid's caff.
Whenever we reach historic moments like this I feel like a fry-up! Rodders! Get down! - What's happening? - It's that Doctor Singh! - Its alright, hes gone now.
That was a close one.
- He's gonna catch us eventually.
Yeah, well we'll cross that bridge when we come to it Rodney, I've been thinking.
- What about? - Im gonna have a vasectomy.
Whats the matter? Has it gone down the wrong hole, or what? A vasectomy? Keep your voice down, will ya? How does Raquel feel about it? No, I'm having it done! I know that! Bloody hell! I meant, have you discussed it with Raquel? Yes of course I have! Last night in bed, I said 'Sweetheart, I'm gonna have a vasectomy.
' - So it was quite an in-depth discussion? - You can't make these decisions lightly, can you? Ive thought about it and I cant really afford another kid.
And we havent got room in the flat.
Anyway, we both agreed.
What do we want with another kid for? We've got Damien and he's like two kids rolled into one, ain't he? Me and Raquel have only gotta look at each other and she's three months gone.
I think I got a lot of them You know, tadpoles.
Tadpoles? Yeah, you know.
You see them on the telly under the microscope.
I got a lot of them as well! Doctor said.
Yeah I know, but the doctor reckons that I have got probably more tadpoles than they got on the Serpentine! You gonna have it done at the hospital? I'm not gonna let Trigger do it with his Black and Decker, am I? I meant, are you going to the hospital or the local clinic? Ill probably go to the clinic.
Rodney, I want your advice.
You know when a lot of rich and successful people when they have this thing done they leave a lot of their tadpoles in this bank.
Do they? The thing is, do you think that I ought do that? You could do.
I don't know what Nat West will think about it.
No, not Nat West! Not that sort of Bank.
Its a special bank where they freeze it all.
Oh, the Cause the thing is, when I'm rich and famous, then theyll be able to use it, wont they? Cause then theyll be lots of little Damiens running about.
No! I mean, you could upset Raquel.
Cause psychologically, she might think that you were being unfaithful to her.
Cause you know how a woman's mind works.
I never thought of that, Rodders.
Youre right.
Good thinking.
Well, come on, onwards and upwards.
Dont you say nothing to nobody about this, alright? Of course not.
Thank you, Sid, that was horrible as usual.
Cheers, Del.
- Sid.
Del's having a vasectomy.
- A vasectomy? Del Boy's having a vasectomy.
- The doctor will be with you in a moment.
- Thank you, nurse.
- Mr Trotter.
- Doctor Singh.
Listen, about that paint I sold you for your surgery.
Oh, let's not worry about that, I have work to do.
- Not nervous are you? - Just a tad you know.
I mean, this is my first time.
Mine too! - My, my, my! You are a big man, Mr Trotter.
- Oh, thank you doctor.
You should go on a diet.
I always say that, just to relax the patient.
Yeah, I've got to remember that one next time I have some bloke's vitals in me hands.
I'll have to give you a small injection just to numb the area.
Alright, thank you.
This might sting a bit.
What's wrong? Its alright, sweetheart! Just I got a touch of cramp.
Tell me Raquel.
What do you think about this vasectomy idea? I don't mind, honest.
Alright, Raquel, you win! I won't have it done.
So what finally put you off having a vasectomy then? Didnt have the balls? No, it wasnt that.
Look, I wasn't frightened! It was a medical reason.
I kept thinking about them tadpoles.
- What about 'em? - Well where do they go? What d'you mean? Well when you have the operation it stops 'em from going well, taking their normal route.
So where do they go? What, you worried about 'em hanging round on street corners? All I'm saying is they've gotta go somewhere.
It got to such a point I thought I'd be frightened to sneeze.
- Caught you at last, Mr Trotter.
- Doctor Singh, how nice to see you again.
Have you seen my surgery recently? That paint you sold me is peeling off in great chunks.
It's a medical practice, Mr Trotter, and it looks as if my walls have got scabies! Patients are leaving me.
The thing is, Dr Singh, we didn't realise until some time after that the paint was ever so slightly out of date, did we, Rodney? No.
We spotted a tin and we noticed it should have been used by June 1983.
I want something done about it and fast! Yes of course, Doctor Singh.
I will send someone from my painting and decorating department round to see you first thing in the morning.
If you don't Mr Trotter, I'll be back! Yes, thank you, Doctor Singh.
Im missing you already 'I'll be back'! He always says that.
Do you know what his nickname is? The Turbanator.
- Turban-ator.
- I don't believe you sometimes! Doctor Singh is an honest, law-abiding man.
You knew that paint was iffy.
Im supposed to be some sort of paint expert now, am I? Don't give me all that rubbish about him being a law-abiding citizen! I mean look at him now, hes riding that bike without a crash helmet.
He's a Sikh! Under the law Sikhs are excused crashed hats! How's he gonna fit a helmet over that turban? I never thought of that.
I suppose that's why you never see a Sikh astronaut, innit? More than likely, Del.
I am not wearing it, alright? It's half past five and that's my going home time! Rodney, opportunities don't stop presenting themselves because Cassandra has got the sprouts on! Its bloody stupid, and I'm not doing it, alright? Rodney, there are millions of Sikhs out there riding motor cycles that are going completely unprotected.
And this is going to solve their problem.
Allow me to introduce my new company, TCT! - TCT? - Yes, Trotters Crash Turbans.
This is our opportunity to do something for our fellow men, Rodney.
It is also an opportunity for you to get rid of them horse-riding crash-helmets you got lumbered with.
- Hang about, this is at the prototype, innit? - It is not a prototype! It is a show-jumping helmet with one of Raquel's old scarves glued on top! That is because Raquel is She said to me, 'Del Boy, you can anything you want, because I want to do my bit for mankind'.
- Look! Look! I mean Look! - I think you look rather dashing.
I look like a human-cannonball who's just crashed into a washing line.
God, I hate vanity! You take my word for it, Rodney.
Once you take this over to Wembley and Southall and show the Sikh community this in all its glory - Take it over and show it to them? - Yes, of course! Cause then well sell them by the thousands.
We can then export them to Australia, America, the Far East.
You expect me to go and sell this? Well, you are my new director of sales, aren't you? They'll smash my head in! Of course they won't, they're peaceful loving people.
Anyway even if they do, you'll be wearing a Trotter Crash Turban! A perfect opportunity to prove how effective it is! You know it makes sense.
All I know is I am not stepping out of that front door dressed like this! - Alright, Rodney? - Hi, Raquel.
- During the war.
- Will you shut up? Can't you see that Rodney and I are in the middle of a very important board meeting? We dont wanna hear stories about U-Boats and giant squids! I was just gonna say that during the war I spent some time in India and I got to know a little about the Sikh religion.
What I discovered was, that to a Sikh a turban has mystical powers which are supposed to enter the body.
In other words it has to be in contact with the head.
Yeah, see? And this ain't in contact with the head cause there's a bloody horse riding helmet in between! Alright, I havent finalized the design yet, have I? What Ill do is, well just get a little piece, like this and well stuff it up inside there, so it is in contact with the head! Yeah? Raquel, what do you think? I can't see it catching on, Del.
I mean, what would you wear with it? Is that my scarf? Don't worry, Ill buy you another one.
Will you please understand, Raquel, this is not a fashion statement.
I guessed that, Derek.
I guessed that! No, it is a safety device.
Del, people would rather be critically injured than wear this! Answer that will you? Look, mark my words.
Three months from now you'll be seeing this on Tomorrow's World.
More like Wayne's World.
I am not going on Tomorrow's World dressed like this.
Rodney, it's Cassandra's bank for you.
She's probably got another late meeting.
Come on, giss it here.
Raquel, alright.
Now listen to me.
They laughed when they invented the air bag, didnt they? No they didnt, they were a good invention.
Alright, tell me one invention that they did laugh at when it was first seen.
- That! - Yeah, I'm on my way, thank you.
What's up, Rodders? Theyve rushed Cassandra to hospital.
She's had a miscarriage.
Alright, Rodders.
Alright, mate.
Come on, calm down, Im with you.
Stay here, stay here.
Excuse me, can you tell me which ward Mrs Trotter is in please? - Are you Mr Trotter? - Yes, I am.
- Come this way please.
- Yes, OK.
Alright, Rodney.
Come on, this way.
Oi! Are you having a laugh with me, or something? Ive been here nearly 20 minutes already, and the only person in this poxy hospital whos spoken to me, is this old cow! Im sorry sir, but were very busy.
This way please.
Could you put these on, please.
It's just a precaution.
Mrs Trotter is in a single room, number 46, down there on the right.
She is naturally still very upset and we don't want her being excited in any way.
Of course not, thank you.
Can I put one of them on, please? - Who are you? - I'm her husband.
- Who the hell's that then? - Hes my brother.
Del? What the bloody hell am I going to say to her? Don't worry, Rodney.
You'll say something, it'll just come to you.
Just listen to me, Rodney, at this pacific moment in time, Cassandra she don't need doom and gloom.
She needs you to be optimistic.
Oh yeah, I feel optimistic right now, don't I? I don't care how you feel, you just gotta be! - You dont care how I feel? - No.
You can do your weeping and crying in the van on the way home! Right now you've got to be a rock for Cassandra.
I want you to go in there and I want you to talk to her.
Talk to her about the future, not the past or the present, but about the future.
Because you two, you two, you got some really good times to come.
It is strange how I find that hard to believe right now.
Well, you got to believe it.
Because it's true.
Right now Cassandra needs your strength.
Now, you go in there, and I dont want no sobbing, no booing.
You just give her comfort and understanding.
Alright? - Right.
- Good boy.
You know it makes sense, eh? I'm sorry, Rodney! What are you saying sorry for? Don't be silly.
- I let you down! I let everyone down! - Of course you havent! It happens, Cass, it just happens.
There was nothing you or I could have done.
You mustnt blame yourself, sweetheart.
You havent let anybody down.
Has she, Rodney? Tell her, this time next year, go on.
Yeah I will.
I think maybe this might be a good time for us to be on our own to discuss a few things.
Yeah, I think you're right, bruv.
Cassandra, me and Rodney are going outside for a little chat.
No, I mean me and Cassandra.
We be on our own.
Yeah, alright.
OK.
I'll see you later, Cassandra.
Ill see you outside, Rodney.
I lost our baby.
I can't leave you alone with anything, can I? We're gonna get over this, Cass, and we are going to win.
D'you know why? Cause were strong.
We are very very strong.
Things are gonna get better and better and better for us.
- I love you, Rodney.
- I love you, Cass.
I love you so much.
It sort of burnt me right across the forehead here.
See, the bloke who sold it to me said it was a hair-dryer, it turns out to be an electric paint-stripper.
If you like to come with me, Mr Fisher.
Oi! Why's he getting seen before me? I don't know why people bother to pay their national health stamps.
Cause if I'd ever had a job I wouldn't have paid for 'em.
Would you please keep your voice down? No.
It's a free country and I'll shout as much as I bloody well like! You're looking after all these bleeding malingerers here, where I should be top of your list.
Now, I took some pills earlier on today, now, I've no idea what they were cause I was drunk.
Now they're starting to upset me a little bit! You nurses, youre always whinging about low wages.
You don't deserve anything better.
Do you hear that? You're all sodding useless.
- Excuse me, sir.
- What? Feeling better sir? Yes, thank you, doctor.
All part of the service.
Bonjour.
I bet you wish you'd gone private now, don't you? NVL