Portlandia (2011) s08e02 Episode Script

1 Some people look at a sandwich and say, "That's great.
" Some people look at a sandwich and say "That's not gonna cut it.
" - - [MELLOW MUSIC.]
Look at this.
It's bulky.
It flips, it flops.
It's very thick, it's a little disjointed.
You're really eating a piece of 300-year-old technology.
The sandwich can't really withstand - the strength of the human hands.
- You know, I'll do it.
See? Can't really withstand it.
[FLAPPING.]
- Do you mind? - This came as a sandwich, and now it is a mess.
In the 1980s American culture introduced BOTH: The pita pocket! If you ever imagined what it was like to eat a purse or a clutch filled with leaves and tomatoes, this is it.
Unfortunately, there continued to be problems.
The pita bread itself was too dry.
- Often, it took a whole - I'll say it.
Often it took TOGETHER: A whole glass of water Just to get it down.
- A whole glass of - BOTH: Water.
Now bowls are one of man's earliest inventions.
So the problem was people were so used to you know, the pita bread, the wraps, the sandwiches, that people were sort of biting into the actual bowl, like [CHOMP.]
I don't think that ever actually happened.
There must there's a high probability of anything happening.
I think there are some people who swallowed whole bowls.
BOTH: Mounds.
Look at that.
A mound of food.
There's no plates, no bowls, no utensils Exactly, there are no bowls.
Look at this! You just go like that There's no plates, no bowls - [SHATTERING.]
- And it's gone! - I think the point could have been made - I'm listening, I'm listening, yes BOTH: The point could've been made - Without you smashing the bowl.
- I'm listening, okay.
But we didn't stop with mounds.
Ow! Watch out! We call it the chicken sprinkler.
It's ground chicken pumped through a sprinkler.
No bowls, no utensils, no bread.
Let's give it a shot.
- Is your foot bleeding? - Quite a lot, yes.
- Ready? - Here we go.
[WHOOSHING.]
- [GAGGING.]
- Chicken time.
I can just run my tongue right along that sprinkler.
If I throw up, it's not because of th that, it's because I'm I'm bleeding a little bit.
- Oh, if I throw up, it is because of that.
- Uh-huh.
[WASHED OUT'S "FEEL I ALL AROUND" PLAYING.]
[DREAMY CHILLWAVE MUSIC.]
[BRIGHT CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
[THUD.]
- Oh, Jesus.
- Look at this! Oh, Candace.
Man, I can't even hear you.
Hold on, please.
The restrictions that they put it in the newspaper? They have no right! Do you see this? - Good morning.
- Good morning.
Look! "Planned Parenthood under attack.
" Oh, Candace.
- Now I'm angry.
- Fuming I'm just gonna pace back and forth.
I want to go over there.
Now I'm not happy here, I'm gonna go over there.
Are you even mad? Do you even care? How can you doubt the feminist credentials of a woman that has a tampon chair? You know, I feel like you're not mad enough, Toni.
Candace, I am angry.
I want to scream, but my scream is silent, because it expresses the silencing of women.
Well, show me.
What is that like? That is your scream? There's nothing happening.
Here, I'll do it for you.
I'll do your voice if you don't have a voice, go ahead.
Planned Parenthood, oh you-you-you-you-you-you we do not we do not touch it! There is fire in my mouth! Blah! Fire in my eyes.
[EXCLAIMS.]
I'm so upset.
All my life I just look up to Candace, but it's so hard to be honest with her.
She looks like she was sculpted out of granite! Candace, not to diminish the good work we're doing here, but if Planned Parenthood needs our help, maybe we should volunteer.
[INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC.]
Yes, hello.
This is Toni Rose, I'm with my colleague Candace Devereaux.
We're calling because we are interested in volunteering at your organization.
A little bit about us, um We are post-structuralist feminists uh, with a slant towards anarchy.
Uh, we came up in second wave - Hard slant.
- A hard slant towards uh, the anarchic.
- What are they saying? - Uh, they're saying that they do, um, a group orientation for volunteers every two weeks.
They a group orient no! We're not students.
We would be teaching them.
Well, the work that is available to us would be um - sort of secretarial or, uh, custodial.
- Give me give me the phone.
Okay, well um watch out, Candace! Hi, how are you? Who am I speaking to? Lana, what a nice name.
Lana, I'd like to just inform you as to who we are and what we do.
We are former business owners, okay? We come from a managerial do you know that word? Managerial? Background! I will not keep my voice down! Did you hang up? Did you're still there? Well, you are very lucky to hear my voice.
Why are you being so polite? Did you hang up yet? You get calls like this a lot.
Do you? Well, I make a lot of calls like this.
Well, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna hang up on you.
Good-bye.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
Candace, those were the people we're trying to help.
I just get so angry, Toni.
- I know, I I'm angry too.
- What are the rules about opening up a clinic of your own? Like a women's health clinic? Well, it it seems like we need a medical degree, - which I don't have.
- We'll learn.
This will be an experience for us.
I mean I would love to use a speculum.
[ELECTRIC CRACKLING.]
Hello? [LIVELY MUSIC.]
All right, it's a very momentous day for us here at the firm, because after 17 years, we are very happy that Kathleen Drake has been named new partner.
- Let's, uh welcome her.
- No, no, no, no.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- It's a really big deal, because you're our first female partner.
I mean, how about that? First fe another round of applause for that! [APPLAUSE.]
So, Kathleen, it is speech time for you.
Oh, okay, well, uh, I guess, first of all, just thank you.
It it is an honor.
And um you know, I have been here at the firm for 17 years, and, yeah, sometimes it has been hard for me here as a woman.
I would say that Sorry to int Just, um I'm with you, and I know it's difficult in any workplace.
Um but just I'm not bad, right? Oh, Paul, no.
I wasn't talking about you, just you know, sort of in general, I think, you know, when I started here fresh out of law school and coming into an environment that especially then was - was all-male, and this - Kathy, I'm I'm sorry, uh You've been treated badly, no question.
Uh I just, for the sake of clarity, I'm not bad, right? Right, Tom.
You're not bad.
- Great.
- Uh, so to continue, you know, - I just feel like Yes? - I'm I'm sorry.
- I'm not bad, right? - You know what? You're not! You're not either.
Um - I mean these two guys aren't bad, right? - No.
- Is these guys bad? Is that guy bad? - No.
No.
How about us as a group? Are we bad? - No.
- Let me ask you a question.
I'm sorry, I don't know if I should stand for this - or maybe I don't need to stand.
- Yeah, you don't need to stand.
Okay, um, there was a day when, in front of everybody, I complimented your eyes.
I want to say that I would've complimented anyone's eyes, Bill, for example.
If he had nice eyes, I would've complimented him.
He does not have nice eyes.
Brilliant attorney, but uh, the eyes are uh, smaller than I would've designed, maybe just a little bigger.
So I complimented you because of your eyes and I I'm still - I'm not bad, right? - Correct.
- No one in this room is bad.
- No one in this room? - Whoa.
- Josh, not you either.
No one on the phone is bad.
Well, Kathleen, I gotta say, you really put him under a lot of stress.
Josh, we're really sorry about that.
That must have been humiliating for you to think that you were in the hot seat for that long.
- Uh - For two seconds! Two very long seconds, no one deserves that.
I've had 17 years of rampant sexism in this office, but I am so sorry that you had two seconds of discomfort.
Thank you, Paul.
I feel supported.
Uh, and, uh, that won't happen again.
- What? - And just to say and that won't won't happen again.
And that that that's not gonna happen again, Josh.
Well, I'm sure through healing and dialogue, we can resolve our, um, differences.
Thanks a lot! Okay, I don't know where I was with this - thank you speech, or - [WHISTLES.]
[CLEARING THROAT.]
Uh, yeah.
I don't know who you are, but you're not bad.
You know, he might be bad.
You know, we don't know him.
Sir, you might be a monster, we don't know you.
You, uh you want me to hit this guy? - You need a scapegoat? - Sure.
- Yeah.
- Be right back.
Yeah, finally.
That's the problem.
That guy.
That's the problem.
How do my eyes look? Everyone's eyes look great, except for Bill.
This is kind of a muscle, right? Right here? - I guess so.
- Two rock 'n' roll sushis.
- Oh, I am so hungry.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much! - What is it? - Uh, waiter? Yeah, what I just what's in this? Tuna, avocado, and spicy mayo.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC STING.]
- Spicy? - D-d-did you say s-s-spicy mayo? - It's okay.
How spicy are we talking about? Can I can I see that menu? Yeah, I mean we operate by the chili system.
We got one chili to five chilies.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- Okay.
- Just tell me.
Just tell me.
Two chilies.
[WHIMPERING.]
- It's okay.
Okay.
- [HYPERVENTILATING.]
- Water, water, water.
- The spicy the spicy mayo.
My husband's had some spicy food.
Can I get some milk? Uh, I heard milk makes it worse.
You don't say milk makes it worse! It's burning into my skull! My memories are going away! It's really just two chilies.
That's not that spicy.
It's two chilies! Everyone, I need an EpiPen! Am I gonna die? - Bye, bye.
Time to die.
- No! [SLO-MO SCREAMING.]
[WHOOSHING.]
D-d-d-did I die? Well, y-y-y-you, uh, passed on, and uh, this is Heaven.
I'm Saint Peter, a-a-a-a-a-and uh, welcome.
A-a-a-and we have the same name! Uh, yeah, but I'm Saint Peter.
I love this chest.
I-i-is there spicy food up in Heaven? N-n-no, uh, no spicy food, uh, we've got uh, bread, some uh, cold potatoes once in a while, um Cottage cheese.
[GASPING.]
Oh, my God.
I'm alive.
- You saved my life! - I did.
Saint Peter said that you look really nice from way up above.
- [SOBS.]
- He said your posture's great.
Aww, I love you.
[EXCLAIMING.]
[WIND GUSTING.]
N-n-n-n-next? [LIVELY MUSIC.]
So what we have here is a collaborative workspace for independent contractors, uh, start-ups, entrepreneurs.
Hey, Matt! Matt for example, uh, redesigns food trucks.
Okay, well, where could we set up a space? I mean, what are these people like? Do we know these other - people who work here? - I'm sorry, what business were you guys gonna run out of here? - Women's health.
- Women's health.
Yes, you've heard those words before, right? Health - TOGETHER: And women.
- Yes.
Comprehensive healthcare.
Affordable healthcare.
Services provided to women that are much needed.
- Okay.
- Birth control.
- Mammograms.
- Female condoms.
- Oh, yeah.
- Egg fertilization.
- Oh! - Pelvic exams.
- Very familiar.
- IUD installations.
- All right.
- Lectures.
Lectures, yeah.
Helping people out, - educating the community.
- Loud lectures.
- How loud? - This loud.
Oh.
Menstruation! Happens all the time.
Not all the time.
About once a month.
- Fair enough.
- And we don't want any nosy people.
- No peepers.
- No peepers.
Okay.
My only concern is in the past, I believe women's health clinics have been the most successful running out of strip malls.
You haven't looked at one of those before you looked at us, have you? You're saying we look like strippers? No, no, a strip mall.
- Like a mall with a - Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
We don't look like strippers? What do strippers look like? I really want to know.
- No, no, I'm not saying you don't look like strippers.
- I'm gonna get I'm gonna write it down.
What do strippers look like? Is it your intent to look like Watch what you say.
I I'm looking at your mouth.
You better accept our application.
or I will tear apart this building brick by brick and rebuild it 20 feet up in the air.
And when it comes crashing down, you know what's going to happen.
- Why don't I find you guys a nice cubicle space? - Wonderful.
By the way, we love you.
[DOGS BARKING.]
Thanks for coming, you guys.
- The food smells incredible.
- I'm starving! Well, we're still waiting on Josh and Liz.
Oh.
You haven't heard? - What? - They broke up.
- Oh, no! - Josh and Liz? - Oh.
- Yeah.
You know, I noticed he was posting more online.
- Yeah.
- That's too bad.
That's really weird.
- Honey, what's wrong? - I sent them an invite, right? And Josh wrote back to me privately, just him.
And he said, "I can't wait to be there.
" He can't come to a couples dinner alone he's single.
- [PHONE BUZZING.]
- Oh, he just texted.
- What'd he say? - "Hey, looking for parking, Yeah!" Y-A-A.
- [EXHALES.]
- Brendan.
Shut off the lights.
- We have to lock the door.
- I got my app here.
- Off, off.
- Brendan, come on! - Just shut the lights off! - Come on, dude.
Do you have just a switch? Can we use a switch? - Adding alarm - Brendan, please! Come on! Shut them off! There are levels to them! - All right, uh - Come on! Oh, shit.
Just stay quiet.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
It's too late.
He's here.
Hello? God, he already sucks.
I'm flying solo tonight.
Hope that's okay.
Look at his posture.
- Was that a dance move he just did? - Brendan? Michelle? Brendan, he cannot come inside.
- Here, I'll go lock the door.
- Being single is contagious.
Go, go, go, go, go! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Oh, hey, buddy.
- Hey.
- Heard about you and Liz.
- Oh, don't feel bad.
Life has many chapters.
Wow, that's a really good attitude.
Brendan, don't listen to him.
Seriously, man.
It's for the best.
Oof! [THUD.]
I get to do my own thing.
You know, I set up the drum kit again.
Right in the living room.
- Oh, really? - [SCREAMING.]
[GROANING.]
Hey, Michelle.
Is your sister still dancing? No.
[BONES CRACKING.]
Hey, what do you guys think of that barista at Case Study? Would it be weird if I asked her to a movie? Do people still go to the movies? It's been a while.
[CHUCKLES.]
I know she's 23, but there's something about her.
[GASPS.]
Is it that she's 23? Oh, no, no, Michelle.
It's not like that.
She has an insatiable curiosity.
I think she was home schooled.
Josh! Sorry! Michelle! Come on! Go! Ah! Have you seen these dating apps? They're a trip! It's a whole different world out there.
Let go! [GRUNTS.]
[SQUELCH.]
Mike? Hey, buddy.
Me, you, and Josh should go to the Grand Canyon.
I don't know, maybe drop by Vegas on the way.
It's nearby.
[IN DISTORTED VOICE.]
Vegas seems fun.
Mike, where's Kathleen? Imagine living in wine country.
[IN DISTORTED VOICE.]
Chardonnay all day.
No, they're both single now.
There's plenty of fish in the sea.
[SCREAMING.]
There's plenty of fish in the sea.
There's plenty of fish in the sea! There's plenty of fish in the sea! [OVERLAPPING DISTORTED SPEECH.]
All right, let's get our stories straight for the cops.
Tried to have a couple's night.
Josh came over, he's single.
- That's the story.
- All right.
Then three people died and our house burned down.
Yeah.
[SIRENS WAILING.]
- Should we get a hotel? - Ooh, yeah.
[BRIGHT CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
Wow, I'm so glad you guys are in the neighborhood, cause I work just around the block, and I've been putting off my annual Pap smear, so Can I offer you a morning after pill? Oh, not not today.
Thank you, though.
You know, we want you to know that everything you say here is confidential.
- Okay.
- [WHISPERING.]
And that it's completely free.
This is a service for you.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I can barely hear you.
[WHISPERING.]
So that you feel better about your body and about yourself.
Or just I'm I'll get a check-up, or whatever is normal.
Do you know how to clean a vagina? It's really easy.
- Oh, I feel like I have cleaning down.
- What's complex about the vagina is people don't realize how that - to clean it - Oh, um And I'm not an expert, but I know that's wrong.
- Do you use shampoo? - Yes.
- Don't use shampoo in vagina.
- I don't.
Well, then don't! I'm just here for my annual Pap.
- Okay.
- This is part of the medical exam.
Hey! I can hear you typing! It's very distracting! You think we don't hear you? Turn down your headphones! You! Don't you dare press print.
Don't you if I hear that printer, I swear to God, I'm going to bite you.
How would you rate your vagina? Um, health, or just looks? Length.
- I'm sorry.
What is your background? - I was born in Seattle.
- Uh, I have a sister, and - I I'm sorry.
I meant more like medical training or certification that you have.
It was actually, I'm sorry, out a little outside of Seattle.
è Uh, Kirkland.
è We have samples too.
- So you can have these.
- I just you haven't touched me or examined me in any way.
And I know this is laid back, and I want to be cool, but these are barbecue napkins.
These are for eating ribs.
We would love for you to check out our dildo lending library.
- What? - [SPOOKY MUSIC.]
Oh.
You need to know your body.
So I just think you're afraid of what this can do.
Go ahead.
And I guess It's just I don't want to masturbate before I go back to work.
We'd be honored if you would.
If you could just You're not saying no to this.
I'm just going to go, so can I just get my urine sample and I'm going to take it to a real doctor.
I don't want to leave it here with you.
- Is that hers? - Oh.
Yes.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
I think we're doing a really good thing here.
I didn't know you, but you put spice in my head! [PANTING.]
[GASPING.]
[COUGHS.]
[WHIMPERING.]
- Peter - That's not gonna help.
My my tongue!