According To Jim s08e03 Episode Script
Jami McFame
1 Hey.
What are you doing out here? We're supposed to watch the game.
And why do I detect the faint smell of gasoline in the air? Snow removal's a racket.
Snowblowers are expensive, so I put gas on the walkway.
I don't follow, Jim.
Well, I figure, light it on fire.
Fire melts snow.
Snow makes water.
Water puts out fire.
Jim gets beer.
Jim gets to watch the game.
Oh, I like it.
Uh-huh.
Hey, if Jim's flamethrower/snowblower works, we could sell it to the city for snow removal all over town.
Oh, my god, Andy.
We'd be rich.
Hey, we could buy a snowblower.
All right, light that sucker up.
Ooh! Okay, science Do your stuff.
Nah.
Sorry, Jim, I don't think it's gonna do anything.
Whoa! Look at that! Ooh! It's working! Whoo! Wow.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is that the neighbor's cat? Fluffy.
Fluffy, run! Fluffy, run! No, no, no.
Don't run.
Stop, drop and roll.
Stop, drop and roll! Run.
But not under my car! No! Oh, my god! You blew up my car! Well, at least the walkway's completely clear.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Fluffy.
He's completely fine.
A Christmas miracle.
Whoo! Wow.
Either I'm drunk or that's the best we ever sounded.
Oh, well, I have been practicing.
Did you guys check out my awesome new riff? You know, it's not funny when you guys unplug my keyboard.
Yes, it is.
Daddy, guess what? You're never gonna believe this.
W-what--what happened? Is somebody bleeding? Is Gracie hurt? I'm Gracie.
Right.
Right, right.
There is a contest, and we entered a cd of your band.
This band? Yeah, and you won.
Jami mcfame is doing a benefit concert here in Chicago And you're her backup band, and we get to meet her.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Jami mcfame! Who the hell is jami mcfame? What is wrong with you? It's just some singer who does dumb kids' movies.
Oh.
Dumb kids' movies? Aah! All right, look, I'm not gonna play for some crummy kid.
Some crummy kid? Jami mcfame is the best.
She's got hit movies, hit records, video games.
A cookbook, Jim.
Her veal marsala--mwah.
No.
All right, this is a serious blues band.
We're not gonna back up some lip-synching, bubblegum pop star.
I told you.
A rich man like daddy doesn't care about $1,000.
$1,000? All right, get out of here.
We need to practice.
One, two, three, four.
Hey, check this place out.
Oh, man.
It's the real deal.
No sawdust on the floor, the waitresses are cute, and it doesn't smell like puke.
Hey, look.
"Jami mcfame & friends.
" We're the friends.
We're the friends! Oh, there you are.
Hi.
I'm Sheila, jami's manager.
Oh, hi.
You must be, um, "daddy and his creepy buddies.
" Well, I'm daddy, and the band name is what my daughters put on the form.
Unless you're looking for creepy, 'cause we can do creepy.
Okay.
Hey, guys.
Look.
It's my new band.
What's with the camera? Jami shoots a daily-- video diary for her web site.
For $9.
95 a month, it's like you're on tour with her.
I was right there when she met the des moines chamber of commerce.
Hi, guys.
I'm jami.
Ah.
Are you gonna help me rock this place tomorrow night? We sure are, jami.
You know, as U.
S.
American-- cut! Next time I ask you a question on camera, you smile and say, "yes.
" Well, now I was just trying to-- trying to what? Annoy me? You two, stay out of my eye line.
Dude, get a haircut.
And you Smell like sausage.
Sheila, I'll be in my dressing room.
Yes, jami.
And I want them in costume.
Do you believe that? I know.
We get to wear costumes! Oh, man, I can't wait to get out of this thing.
Get o of this? I'm sleeping in this thing tonight.
All right, let's do it.
One, two, three, four.
What I like about you you really know how to dance when you go up, down, jump around talk about true romance yeah whispering in my ear cut! What are you doing, sausage breath? I was just improvising a little bit.
You know, I was kind of feeling the-- actually, uh, jami's audience expect to hear the songs exactly as they are on the cd.
We mcfame-iacs are a demanding bunch.
All right, well, let's just do the song again.
Not until you apologize.
What? I'm sorry, jami.
Please forgive me.
Knock it off.
Do not blow this for us.
What are you talking about? Apologize.
I'm not gonna apologize for this.
Think of the money, Jim, your kids, Ruby and Gracie, me! Hey, look, I-I didn't mean to upset ya.
And? And And it won't happen again.
Because? Because you're the star, and we're the band.
Except when? Except when I don't know where you're going with this, jami.
Then just say, "I'm sorry, jami.
It was all my fault.
" I'm I'm outta here.
Bye.
Looks like Andy's in charge now.
Cut it out.
Cheryl, I am telling you, that little girl is a nightmare.
Honey, honey, I can hear you're upset, but it's really hard to take you seriously when you're wearing a belt made out of candy.
Oh, my gosh! That is so awesome! They made you Gregory grape! Oh, great.
This is the greatest week ever.
We invited all of our friends to the concert.
It's like the rest of our lives are gonna be totally better because of this.
Um, girls, there's been a slight change of plans.
What did you do? What did you do? Look, jami mcfame and I had a little creative difference And the band isn't gonna play the show.
I told you to hide his harmonica.
Come on.
She was being a little brat, so I quit.
You know, girls, it was the right thing to do.
You should be very proud of your daddy.
Thank you.
We have no daddy.
W-- what? C-can I eat a piece of your belt? Okay, here come the girls.
When they walk by, say, "I love you, daddy" really loud.
I love you daddy, really loud.
Should we try it again later, daddy? I don't know.
That's three times.
Hasn't worked yet.
Oh, Andy.
Great, great, great.
Look, when the girls come down, I want you to sit on my lap and say ah, forget it.
No, Jim.
Jim, Jim, Jim, can't you just suck it up and apologize to jami mcfame? No.
No.
Please, Jim.
I want to play that concert.
I want to be Barry blueberry.
I have my pride, Andy, and for the record, Gregory grape is way better than Barry blueberry.
Jim, it's like jami sings in her song-- "when the cookies burn, you make more batter.
That's what it takes to make your life matter.
" What does that even mean? It means she's a 9-year-old Bob Dylan, and I want to be her friend! Please, Jim, please! No.
No.
I'll do anything.
Here come the girls.
What? No, no.
Get off my leg! What the hell? Get off of me! Not until you apologize to jami mcfame.
Never! Look, Jim, I-I know you're upset about the way jami treated you, and I am on your side 100%, but-- Cheryl, I am not gonna work for some out-of-control kid.
I'm a rock.
I'm a rock.
She needs to be punished, Cheryl! Okay, but right now the only people being punished are your little girls.
Right now my little boys are being punished! Jim, come on.
No! Never! I'm a rock.
Okay, okay, okay! We're rocks.
So this concert is very important to my daughters and strangely enough, to my brother-in-law.
So? Uh, so I, you know, i-I'd like another chance to prove that I can be a good team player.
And? And, uh, I would do anything to prove that.
Including but not limited to Um Sheila, can you help me here? It's important to jami that you apologize.
Sorry.
There.
What do you think? We don't have time to find another band.
Okay.
Good news, Jim.
You can play Oh.
But we're not gonna pay you.
This is really for my girls, so as long as they can sit in the front row.
Back row.
Fine.
Free back row seats are great.
Full price.
Fine.
I can't believe this Did you say something, sausage breath? I said Rich.
You must be very rich.
Well, you know Yes.
Can I get you guys some autographed cds? Cool.
Thanks.
Wow.
Cool.
Thanks.
Big whoop.
I got some of those online.
Oh, take a couple of these.
Sequined headbands? What the fudge? Andy.
We're sorry we were mad at you, daddy.
Oh! Dad, you're the best dad ever.
I'm glad to hear it.
I will savor this moment till you want something else.
Okay, let's go to our seats.
You got us front row, right? Absolutely.
Front row to the exit.
Okay, okay.
Five minutes.
Ooh.
Five.
Sheila.
What the crap are you doing? Oh, I, um That's my food table in m dressing room, and that's my cookie.
I know.
Would this be a good time to get one of those sequined headbands? Right.
Later.
I don't need a headband because I have your hairbrush! I'm sorry I touched your food.
It won't happen again.
- Whew! - Cuckoo! Wow.
Where are her parents? She needs, like, the world's longest time-out.
Actually, i-I'm her mom.
Seriously? What attracted you to her father, the horns or the pitchfork? Why do you put up with that? She made $16 million last year.
I don't care how much money she-- $16 million? And you touched her cookies? It doesn't matter how much she makes.
No kid should act like that.
I just wish there was someone around to stand up to her.
Uh, hello.
You are her mother.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
The house is in her name.
My house is in my name.
Let me take a whack at her.
Oh, I would love that.
But make sure you really knock her out.
If you just stun her, she comes up biting.
Oh, oh, you mean just talk to her.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Okay, but still, be careful about the biting.
Okay, okay, okay.
Don't worry about me.
Sit down.
Sit down.
What?! Okay, little girl, you are on a time-out.
You're not leaving this room until you apologize to your mother.
Aw, boo hoo.
I'm on a time-out.
You're fired.
You know what? I bet you love going on that stage and singing in front of that audience more than anything in the world.
So what? So this You're not gonna do tonight's show or any other show until you learn to show people respect.
You're bluffing.
Am I? Is she gonna bite me? Her eyes roll back.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome jami mcfame! Jami! Jami! Jami! I'm on! Let's go, sausage breath.
Are you gonna apologize? Pfft! No.
I think I might play a little harmonica.
I call this one "waiting for jami to apologize" blues.
Let's go.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
And? And I shouldn't talk to my mother like that.
Because? Because she works hard to take care of me, and I should treat her as well as she treats me.
Despite any and all Come here, jami.
Now look.
I don't care how famous you are.
You're still a 9-year-old kid.
All right, I want you to apologize to your mother.
I want you to give her a cookie and a hug.
I'm sorry, Sheila.
Call her "mom.
" I'm sorry, mom.
Oh, that's okay.
Now go get your jacket and have a really good show.
Okay, mom! Wow.
You're really a good father.
Oh, thank you, but you only think that because you're a really bad mother.
Oh, oh, oh, and one more thing.
The band doesn't have to wear these crazy outfits, do we? Yeah, how about just the fat guy who stole my brush? Deal.
I've been cheated been mistreated when will I be loved? I've been put down and I've been pushed 'round when will I be loved? When I find a new boy that I want for mine he always breaks my heart in two it happens every time I've been made blue and I've been lied to when will I be loved? When I find a new boy that I want for mine he always breaks my heart in two it happens every time I've been cheated been mistreated when will I be loved? When will I be loved? Tell me, when will I be loved? Thank you.
What are you doing out here? We're supposed to watch the game.
And why do I detect the faint smell of gasoline in the air? Snow removal's a racket.
Snowblowers are expensive, so I put gas on the walkway.
I don't follow, Jim.
Well, I figure, light it on fire.
Fire melts snow.
Snow makes water.
Water puts out fire.
Jim gets beer.
Jim gets to watch the game.
Oh, I like it.
Uh-huh.
Hey, if Jim's flamethrower/snowblower works, we could sell it to the city for snow removal all over town.
Oh, my god, Andy.
We'd be rich.
Hey, we could buy a snowblower.
All right, light that sucker up.
Ooh! Okay, science Do your stuff.
Nah.
Sorry, Jim, I don't think it's gonna do anything.
Whoa! Look at that! Ooh! It's working! Whoo! Wow.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is that the neighbor's cat? Fluffy.
Fluffy, run! Fluffy, run! No, no, no.
Don't run.
Stop, drop and roll.
Stop, drop and roll! Run.
But not under my car! No! Oh, my god! You blew up my car! Well, at least the walkway's completely clear.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Fluffy.
He's completely fine.
A Christmas miracle.
Whoo! Wow.
Either I'm drunk or that's the best we ever sounded.
Oh, well, I have been practicing.
Did you guys check out my awesome new riff? You know, it's not funny when you guys unplug my keyboard.
Yes, it is.
Daddy, guess what? You're never gonna believe this.
W-what--what happened? Is somebody bleeding? Is Gracie hurt? I'm Gracie.
Right.
Right, right.
There is a contest, and we entered a cd of your band.
This band? Yeah, and you won.
Jami mcfame is doing a benefit concert here in Chicago And you're her backup band, and we get to meet her.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Jami mcfame! Who the hell is jami mcfame? What is wrong with you? It's just some singer who does dumb kids' movies.
Oh.
Dumb kids' movies? Aah! All right, look, I'm not gonna play for some crummy kid.
Some crummy kid? Jami mcfame is the best.
She's got hit movies, hit records, video games.
A cookbook, Jim.
Her veal marsala--mwah.
No.
All right, this is a serious blues band.
We're not gonna back up some lip-synching, bubblegum pop star.
I told you.
A rich man like daddy doesn't care about $1,000.
$1,000? All right, get out of here.
We need to practice.
One, two, three, four.
Hey, check this place out.
Oh, man.
It's the real deal.
No sawdust on the floor, the waitresses are cute, and it doesn't smell like puke.
Hey, look.
"Jami mcfame & friends.
" We're the friends.
We're the friends! Oh, there you are.
Hi.
I'm Sheila, jami's manager.
Oh, hi.
You must be, um, "daddy and his creepy buddies.
" Well, I'm daddy, and the band name is what my daughters put on the form.
Unless you're looking for creepy, 'cause we can do creepy.
Okay.
Hey, guys.
Look.
It's my new band.
What's with the camera? Jami shoots a daily-- video diary for her web site.
For $9.
95 a month, it's like you're on tour with her.
I was right there when she met the des moines chamber of commerce.
Hi, guys.
I'm jami.
Ah.
Are you gonna help me rock this place tomorrow night? We sure are, jami.
You know, as U.
S.
American-- cut! Next time I ask you a question on camera, you smile and say, "yes.
" Well, now I was just trying to-- trying to what? Annoy me? You two, stay out of my eye line.
Dude, get a haircut.
And you Smell like sausage.
Sheila, I'll be in my dressing room.
Yes, jami.
And I want them in costume.
Do you believe that? I know.
We get to wear costumes! Oh, man, I can't wait to get out of this thing.
Get o of this? I'm sleeping in this thing tonight.
All right, let's do it.
One, two, three, four.
What I like about you you really know how to dance when you go up, down, jump around talk about true romance yeah whispering in my ear cut! What are you doing, sausage breath? I was just improvising a little bit.
You know, I was kind of feeling the-- actually, uh, jami's audience expect to hear the songs exactly as they are on the cd.
We mcfame-iacs are a demanding bunch.
All right, well, let's just do the song again.
Not until you apologize.
What? I'm sorry, jami.
Please forgive me.
Knock it off.
Do not blow this for us.
What are you talking about? Apologize.
I'm not gonna apologize for this.
Think of the money, Jim, your kids, Ruby and Gracie, me! Hey, look, I-I didn't mean to upset ya.
And? And And it won't happen again.
Because? Because you're the star, and we're the band.
Except when? Except when I don't know where you're going with this, jami.
Then just say, "I'm sorry, jami.
It was all my fault.
" I'm I'm outta here.
Bye.
Looks like Andy's in charge now.
Cut it out.
Cheryl, I am telling you, that little girl is a nightmare.
Honey, honey, I can hear you're upset, but it's really hard to take you seriously when you're wearing a belt made out of candy.
Oh, my gosh! That is so awesome! They made you Gregory grape! Oh, great.
This is the greatest week ever.
We invited all of our friends to the concert.
It's like the rest of our lives are gonna be totally better because of this.
Um, girls, there's been a slight change of plans.
What did you do? What did you do? Look, jami mcfame and I had a little creative difference And the band isn't gonna play the show.
I told you to hide his harmonica.
Come on.
She was being a little brat, so I quit.
You know, girls, it was the right thing to do.
You should be very proud of your daddy.
Thank you.
We have no daddy.
W-- what? C-can I eat a piece of your belt? Okay, here come the girls.
When they walk by, say, "I love you, daddy" really loud.
I love you daddy, really loud.
Should we try it again later, daddy? I don't know.
That's three times.
Hasn't worked yet.
Oh, Andy.
Great, great, great.
Look, when the girls come down, I want you to sit on my lap and say ah, forget it.
No, Jim.
Jim, Jim, Jim, can't you just suck it up and apologize to jami mcfame? No.
No.
Please, Jim.
I want to play that concert.
I want to be Barry blueberry.
I have my pride, Andy, and for the record, Gregory grape is way better than Barry blueberry.
Jim, it's like jami sings in her song-- "when the cookies burn, you make more batter.
That's what it takes to make your life matter.
" What does that even mean? It means she's a 9-year-old Bob Dylan, and I want to be her friend! Please, Jim, please! No.
No.
I'll do anything.
Here come the girls.
What? No, no.
Get off my leg! What the hell? Get off of me! Not until you apologize to jami mcfame.
Never! Look, Jim, I-I know you're upset about the way jami treated you, and I am on your side 100%, but-- Cheryl, I am not gonna work for some out-of-control kid.
I'm a rock.
I'm a rock.
She needs to be punished, Cheryl! Okay, but right now the only people being punished are your little girls.
Right now my little boys are being punished! Jim, come on.
No! Never! I'm a rock.
Okay, okay, okay! We're rocks.
So this concert is very important to my daughters and strangely enough, to my brother-in-law.
So? Uh, so I, you know, i-I'd like another chance to prove that I can be a good team player.
And? And, uh, I would do anything to prove that.
Including but not limited to Um Sheila, can you help me here? It's important to jami that you apologize.
Sorry.
There.
What do you think? We don't have time to find another band.
Okay.
Good news, Jim.
You can play Oh.
But we're not gonna pay you.
This is really for my girls, so as long as they can sit in the front row.
Back row.
Fine.
Free back row seats are great.
Full price.
Fine.
I can't believe this Did you say something, sausage breath? I said Rich.
You must be very rich.
Well, you know Yes.
Can I get you guys some autographed cds? Cool.
Thanks.
Wow.
Cool.
Thanks.
Big whoop.
I got some of those online.
Oh, take a couple of these.
Sequined headbands? What the fudge? Andy.
We're sorry we were mad at you, daddy.
Oh! Dad, you're the best dad ever.
I'm glad to hear it.
I will savor this moment till you want something else.
Okay, let's go to our seats.
You got us front row, right? Absolutely.
Front row to the exit.
Okay, okay.
Five minutes.
Ooh.
Five.
Sheila.
What the crap are you doing? Oh, I, um That's my food table in m dressing room, and that's my cookie.
I know.
Would this be a good time to get one of those sequined headbands? Right.
Later.
I don't need a headband because I have your hairbrush! I'm sorry I touched your food.
It won't happen again.
- Whew! - Cuckoo! Wow.
Where are her parents? She needs, like, the world's longest time-out.
Actually, i-I'm her mom.
Seriously? What attracted you to her father, the horns or the pitchfork? Why do you put up with that? She made $16 million last year.
I don't care how much money she-- $16 million? And you touched her cookies? It doesn't matter how much she makes.
No kid should act like that.
I just wish there was someone around to stand up to her.
Uh, hello.
You are her mother.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
The house is in her name.
My house is in my name.
Let me take a whack at her.
Oh, I would love that.
But make sure you really knock her out.
If you just stun her, she comes up biting.
Oh, oh, you mean just talk to her.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Okay, but still, be careful about the biting.
Okay, okay, okay.
Don't worry about me.
Sit down.
Sit down.
What?! Okay, little girl, you are on a time-out.
You're not leaving this room until you apologize to your mother.
Aw, boo hoo.
I'm on a time-out.
You're fired.
You know what? I bet you love going on that stage and singing in front of that audience more than anything in the world.
So what? So this You're not gonna do tonight's show or any other show until you learn to show people respect.
You're bluffing.
Am I? Is she gonna bite me? Her eyes roll back.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome jami mcfame! Jami! Jami! Jami! I'm on! Let's go, sausage breath.
Are you gonna apologize? Pfft! No.
I think I might play a little harmonica.
I call this one "waiting for jami to apologize" blues.
Let's go.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
And? And I shouldn't talk to my mother like that.
Because? Because she works hard to take care of me, and I should treat her as well as she treats me.
Despite any and all Come here, jami.
Now look.
I don't care how famous you are.
You're still a 9-year-old kid.
All right, I want you to apologize to your mother.
I want you to give her a cookie and a hug.
I'm sorry, Sheila.
Call her "mom.
" I'm sorry, mom.
Oh, that's okay.
Now go get your jacket and have a really good show.
Okay, mom! Wow.
You're really a good father.
Oh, thank you, but you only think that because you're a really bad mother.
Oh, oh, oh, and one more thing.
The band doesn't have to wear these crazy outfits, do we? Yeah, how about just the fat guy who stole my brush? Deal.
I've been cheated been mistreated when will I be loved? I've been put down and I've been pushed 'round when will I be loved? When I find a new boy that I want for mine he always breaks my heart in two it happens every time I've been made blue and I've been lied to when will I be loved? When I find a new boy that I want for mine he always breaks my heart in two it happens every time I've been cheated been mistreated when will I be loved? When will I be loved? Tell me, when will I be loved? Thank you.