Columbo (1971) s08e03 Episode Script
Sex and the Married Detective
For those of you who read my new book, The Courtesan Complex, and I hope you do, even if you have to get it from the library, you'll find a big, fat chapter called "Sexual Fantasies and Fantastic Sex.
" Patients I work with here at the Allenby Clinic, listeners who write to us, people I meet around the country, everyone thinks that his sexual fantasies, or her sexual fantasies, are unique and personal and perhaps even a little shameful.
We get a lot of call-ins about that.
And the fact is that those fantasies are as common and as healthy as rain.
The big secret is everybody's got 'em.
For women, one of the most common fantasies is that of being a courtesan.
A highly desired, incredibly beautiful prostitute, bestowing her favors on her chosen lover.
In the few moments I have left, I want to make the point that everybody dreams the same sexy dream.
So don't be shy about including it in your love games.
As long as they're just games, I give you my permission.
The book, again, is The Courtesan Complex, and until next time, this is Doctor Joan Allenby suggesting that a rich sexual fantasy life is as important to good sex as choosing the right lover.
Bye-bye for now.
Well, now.
Well, now.
Why did you ever leave me? I give you three seconds to run into my arms.
Male domination.
One.
I hate your business trips.
Two.
I hate my business trips.
Three.
Oh, boy.
When do we really get serious about this? Tonight in Chicago.
Mmm-mmm.
Can't go with you.
No, David, you promised.
I promised you your own television show, and the deal makes here, tomorrow, LA.
What's more important anyway, happiness or money? The Doctor Allenby Clinic.
Good afternoon.
I loathe those damn radio conventions.
The good old syndication boys.
Can't your meeting wait another day? No.
So you'll have to carry the flag in Chicago.
I hate it.
Come with me.
Not a prayer.
She's crazy about him.
I haven't got a chance.
Madge, did you call a car for Dr.
Allenby? Limo's waiting downstairs.
He may not be so crazy about her.
There may be hope yet, Doctor.
Joanie, believe me, one day in Chicago will do it.
You'll dazzle the buyers and head for the hills.
Uh-huh.
You know what "fat chance" means? Yeah? Joan, I've done a new paper for the journal.
"Narcissism and Frigidity.
" You might take a look at it on the plane.
I will if I get time.
Simon, did you enjoy my broadcast? What makes you think I listened to it, Doctor? If I hated a program as much as you hate mine, I'd probably listen out of sheer malicious spite.
Cheap, shoddy commercialization.
Actually, Simon, there's nothing cheap about it.
Joan, you need to get a move on.
Plane tickets, itinerary.
Limo will meet you at O'Hare.
Yep.
Hotel reservations, and Agatha Christie.
If nothing else, she'll help you sleep.
Cindy, how could I survive without you? Oh, you can't.
It's job security.
Bye-bye.
For a couple of lovesick kids, we sure do have a hard time getting together.
Oh, good.
That sounds like guilt.
Where there's guilt, there's hope.
Did you call your mother today? And when was the last time you made love to me? I don't remember.
Oh, very good! Does that make you feel guilty? Just makes me want to make love to you.
Wait for me, cowboy.
I adore you.
Ladies and gentlemen, we regret Flight 141 to Chicago O'Hare Airport is still delayed.
Doctor Allenby.
Doctor Allenby.
We anticipate the fog will be with us through the night.
Oh, we're finally boarding.
I'm afraid not.
The airport's still socked in.
What about Burbank, or one of the other airports? Dr.
Allenby, may I make a suggestion? Why don't you get a good night's sleep at one of the airport hotels, and I can book you on the first flight in the morning? If I'm going to sleep, I can do better than a hotel.
I appreciate all your help.
My pleasure.
I enjoyed reading The Courtesan Complex.
I enjoyed writing it.
We regret all flights departing and arriving will be delayed until further notice.
Will Mr.
Bruce Phillips please go to the white courtesy phone in the main lobby? Good evening, Dr.
Allenby.
Hello, Ozzie.
Final exams? Yes.
In law school, every day is final exams.
You think so, counselor? Try a doctorate in psychology.
I'm hungry.
If I was a dessert, what kind of dessert would I be? Bavarian chocolate cream pie, laced with rare Napoleon brandy.
What about your Dr.
Joan? Rice pudding.
We're now landing at LAX.
Thank you for flying with us, and have a nice day.
Passengers from Flight 219 from Chicago may pick up your baggage at the first door.
Oh, hello again.
Tell me how much you missed me.
We made the TV deal.
That much? Now give it to me, come on.
Gladly.
How was Chicago? Like an all-day dental appointment.
David? Yo.
How long we been together? Business or pleasure? Take your pick.
Three years.
You ever get tired of me? Come on.
Does the sky get tired of the sun? Still, I think it's time we took some of my professional advice.
Advise me, Doctor.
Fun and games.
What flavor? Sultan and slave girl.
Headmistress and choirboy.
Whatever.
That's some "whatever.
" We've got the reception at the Music Center tonight.
Is that really what you want to do? What do I really want to do? There's a cocktail lounge called Buckets.
Meet me there at 9:00.
Boy, have I got plans for you.
Joan! Oh, Joan, thank God you've come.
I've forgotten everyone's name.
Relax, Helen.
It looks like a wonderful turnout.
Well, now comes phase two, the prying open of the checkbook.
Go.
Circulate.
Get money for music.
Married women circulate.
Single women mingle.
Joan.
Walter, I didn't know you were going to be here tonight.
Well, I'm testing my agoraphobia.
If I can stand all this, I can stand anything.
Where's David? Well, he had to work.
Oh.
Well, why don't the two of us find a quiet corner and share some hors d'oeuvres? I'll protect you from the rabble.
I'd love to, Walter, but the committee members are supposed to mix.
Enjoy the concert.
Oh, excuse me.
I'm terribly sorry.
Oh, what a marvelous hat! I love it! Thank you.
I don't believe we've met.
I'm Helen Hendrix from the committee.
Have you ever considered making a donation? Can I buy you a drink? Competition? Never seen her before.
Did she buy the chair? Not yet, she didn't.
I'll deliver this myself.
Drinks are on the house.
Hi.
I'm Lisa.
Hi, Lisa.
Matches? That's for friendship and understanding.
Good luck, Lisa.
What? Hello, sailor.
You come here often? You're playing games, Joan? Yes, and I'm not Joan.
I'm Lisa.
Come on, David, loosen up.
Play with me a little.
How do you like your Lisa? Lisa has never looked more delectable.
Would you like to take Lisa home with you? Say yes.
Yes.
Money.
Enough? For starters.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Come on up and see the doctor.
Is Lisa a doctor? Mmm-hmm.
Wait till you see what kind of doctor.
Good evening, Mr.
Kincaid.
How long till the bar, Ozzie? Uh, next spring, Mr.
Kincaid.
You'll do fine.
Yeah, well, working nights, I have plenty of studying time.
That's the way I did it.
Shh.
What are we whispering for? My mother is sleeping in here.
Shh.
My Uncle Max is in there.
Oh, right.
And this is my room.
No.
Let me do everything.
It's my evening.
I'm in charge.
You don't have to do anything.
You're forbidden to do anything, except to enjoy everything.
My glove.
Wait till you see what I can do with this.
Where did you learn all this, huh? I wrote the book, remember? I'm your instrument of absolute pleasure.
Don't go.
Just for a minute.
Don't look.
Get ready for my real surprise.
I'm almost ready now.
What? If I were a dessert, what kind of dessert would I be? Sorry, but you can't go in there.
Really? I could spend the rest of my life just watching you walk toward me.
Thank you.
And now you can watch me walk away from you.
Well, partner, we did it, concert and all.
What do you think? Big success? I think everything came off perfectly.
Okay, so let me get this straight.
This is a complete log here of everyone that came in and went out of the building.
Is that correct, sir? That's right.
Excuse me, officer.
Dr.
Allenby? Dr.
Allenby, I'm sorry.
Thank you, Ozzie.
I don't think I believe it yet.
Whoa! Thank you, thank you.
Joan.
Oh, Joan.
What can I say? I know, Cindy.
Thank you.
Joan, it's so awful.
I feel so bad.
Thank you.
There's so much to feel bad about, Madge.
Here.
Lieutenant Columbo.
This is Dr.
Allenby.
Joan, this is Lieutenant Columbo from the police.
You're Dr.
Allenby? I've been looking forward to meeting you, and here we rode all the way up in the elevator together.
I'm, uh I'm very sorry, ma'am, about what happened.
I'm not sure what happened, Lieutenant.
The call said David is dead, shot to death last night.
That's all I know.
It's not a very pleasant subject, ma'am.
Where did it happen? In that bedroom, ma'am.
May I see the room? Doctor.
I'm sorry, Dr.
Allenby's appointments are canceled until further notice.
Well, Doctor, I'm not sure you'll be ready for all that yet, being that you and the victim were, as I understand it, very close.
I'm not a stranger to shock, Lieutenant.
I want to know what happened.
All right, ma'am, if that's what you want.
Joan.
Joan.
I called the radio people and canceled your program for the rest of the week.
Thank you, Simon.
That was very thoughtful.
Oh, Joan, did you get a chance to look at my new paper? No, Simon.
I did not.
You see, Doctor? This is all what I didn't want you to see.
In here, that's where it happened.
There? That's where he fell, ma'am, after the woman shot him.
A woman? If you'll forgive my saying so, ma'am, a very beautiful woman, very desirable, here in the bedroom with Mr.
Kincaid.
We got a description from the night security guard.
Dark hair, all dressed in black, with a black fedora hat.
Does that strike a chord, ma'am? Would Mr.
Kincaid know anybody like that? Would you know anybody like that? No.
No, I didn't know that David knew anyone like that.
Is there some explanation? It's hard to come right out and say it, ma'am, but you can see there's some kind of violence here.
And over here there's blood on the carpet, nothing to do with the body, like he was hurting her.
I'm sorry to say, ma'am, like he was making her do something she didn't want to do.
And she was armed.
Unless there was already a gun in the room.
And she shot him.
At least that's the way it seems.
I can assure you, Lieutenant, there was no gun in this room.
You know, I was wondering, ma'am, what kind of room is this? We're psychologists here, Lieutenant.
Our patients come to us with sexual problems.
Sometimes alone, sometimes in couples.
Sometimes a room like this can be conducive to solving their sexual problems.
And we also use that part for lecture purposes.
You mean, these people, they go to bed here? That's what the whole room was designed for.
And the people there are watching them? No, Lieutenant.
I assure you, they're quite alone.
But there's people out there.
I mean, in the hall.
There's people all around here.
There are doors.
Yeah, but the people out there know, I mean, that the couple is in here, and the couple in here, I mean, they know that the people out there know.
Lieutenant, we're talking about therapy.
Everybody knows? Does that disturb you? Oh.
Oh, no, ma'am.
No, no.
I'm just asking questions, ma'am.
Just part of the investigation.
Those are his things, ma'am.
What we call his effects.
Yes.
After death, things have a way of turning into effects.
And David turns into a stranger.
Buckets? I think it's some kind of a bar, ma'am.
I see.
And over here, a cigarette stub.
Is that hers? That's the assumption we're working under, ma'am.
A smoker.
Lieutenant.
Yes, Sergeant? A moment, ma'am.
When you went for coffee, we found these hairs on the victim.
Long black hairs, like a woman's.
We searched the whole area by the body, nothing yet.
These hairs were on his right shoulder and near his chest.
Well, we have the hairs, right? Might tell us something.
Can I take these things yet? No, Sergeant, not yet.
No.
Lieutenant, is there anything else I should know? Oh, oh, excuse me, ma'am.
I'm terribly sorry.
We get so wrapped up in these things.
Little details like a woman's cigarette.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have kept you waiting like that.
Ma'am, could you take another look at those effects? Certainly.
Are you looking, ma'am? Yes, Lieutenant, I'm looking.
These are all the things that were in Mr.
Kincaid's pockets.
Do you see anything that's missing? Something very puzzling? I don't think I understand.
His keys, ma'am.
There aren't any keys.
If there aren't any keys, how did the victim unlock the door to your clinic last night? How did they get in here? Yes, of course, his keys.
How very strange.
I suppose the woman could have taken them.
Yes, that's very good, Lieutenant.
In a moment of panic, to escape, to steal his car, she took his keys.
But, ma'am, why would she do that? She just murdered a man.
Why would she take a chance on being seen driving his car? I mean, even in panic, I would think she'd want to stay as far away from that car as she could.
Yes, I see.
On the other hand, maybe she took the keys not to drive the car, but to get something out of the car which could identify her.
Something she bought that day, a dress from the cleaners, a prescription.
Could be anything.
That's very clever, Lieutenant.
That would explain everything.
But if it didn't, ma'am, then the lady in black, she'd be the one who had the key to your clinic.
But if that was true, you certainly would have some idea who she might be.
You see why I'm puzzled by these keys? Lieutenant, I'm afraid that I'm not ready to deal with all of this yet.
Would you mind if I went back to my office? Oh, of course not, ma'am.
I'm sorry to bother you with all of these questions.
I know what a terrible shock this has been.
Thank you for trying to shield me.
You've been very kind.
I'm sure you know by now I'm always here for you.
Whatever I can do.
You're very sweet, Walter.
Thank you.
This place All we ever seem to talk about is sex and feelings.
It's always with strangers.
We never get to talk about our own feelings.
Lieutenant Columbo, ma'am.
Is it all right to intrude? Of course, Lieutenant.
You met Doctor Neff? Oh, I think I've met everyone in the clinic.
All the sex doctors.
Psychologists, Lieutenant.
Sex therapists.
Joan, believe me, one day all this pain will just be a memory.
Could I get you some tea, Lieutenant? Oh, no, thank you, ma'am.
No? All right.
Well, what can I do for you? I'll just ask you a few more questions, ma'am, if you can put up with that.
I think I can manage that.
From this moment, Lieutenant, life goes on.
Back straight, chin up and a smile for the world.
How's that for courage? Well, that's a very nice smile you have there, ma'am.
How can I help you? Mainly, Dr.
Allenby, it's about the victim.
Could you tell me about your relationship with the victim? We had great sex.
Okay.
The victim, as you so delicately put it, was my lover.
Is there a problem with that? Not necessarily, ma'am, no.
David and I enjoyed making physical love to each other, and only to each other.
At least, that was my assumption in the days when I was considerably less skeptical than I am now.
David was also my business partner in our radio and television work.
Are you familiar with my broadcasts? Yes, I am.
The things that you say on the radio, ma'am, they're very frank.
About what? About sex, ma'am.
Sit down.
David's love made it possible for me to be frank in public.
The kinds of things I have to talk about require a great deal of sexual confidence and happiness and freedom.
David gave me all those things.
I suppose they're the same things I try to give my patients.
The freedom to love.
Does that answer your question about our relationship? Oh, yes, ma'am.
You've made it very clear.
I think I understand.
I hope so.
Lieutenant, there's still one more thing.
Can you tell me about your own primary sexual relationships? I beg your pardon, ma'am? A policeman just asked me a very intimate question, and I gave a very intimate answer.
I think I have a right to know how that answer will be interpreted, and that depends on your intimate sexual relationships.
I'm a married man, ma'am.
Everything all right at home? I think I'm gonna be leaving now.
Thank you very much.
Don't let me drive you away, Lieutenant.
Oh.
Oh, no, ma'am.
No, I Not with all the work that I have to do on this case.
I'm gonna be back.
You can count on that.
Now we're gonna learn more about the tuba.
Is that a tuba? It's a very delicate instrument, has a very tiny, tiny, tiny tone.
Sort of like the love song of a canary.
Listen very closely, or you just won't hear it at all.
I'm looking for, uh, Miss Hendrix.
I forgot to tell you, it's a two-ton canary.
There.
Have you ever heard a jazz tuba? No.
What's a jazz tuba? Here's what a jazz tuba sounds like.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Lieutenant Columbo, police.
Not now.
Okay, who wants to learn how to play the tuba here? Come on, it's a cinch.
No.
You, sir.
You in the raincoat.
Me? Yeah! Oh, no, no.
We can't do without you! Please, please, come on, sir! I think you're caught.
Give him a hand, kids, come on.
Are you a musician, sir? No, sir.
I'm a policeman.
There you are, Mr.
Policeman.
There's your tuba.
Enjoy yourself.
Go, Mr.
Policeman.
Play.
Like this, sir? Have fun.
Hey! Yes! Bravo! Ah, you've done this before.
Well, you know, when I was in high school, that was the only instrument they had left.
Same with me.
Come on, kids, we're gonna have a tuba march.
Everybody stand up and follow me and the policeman.
We're gonna march off this way.
You ready? I'm gonna try.
All right! Dr.
Allenby.
Well, this certainly is a coincidence.
Here I come to the Music Center, I'm looking for Mr.
Kincaid, and who do I find but you? You were looking for David? For his whereabouts, ma'am, last night, before the murder.
That's a lovely outfit you're wearing.
Thank you.
This is a hard question, ma'am, and you certainly don't have to answer it.
But would you mind telling me what you paid for this handbag? For my bag? It doesn't have to be exact, ma'am.
Just a ballpark figure.
Well, this was an expensive bag, Lieutenant.
I paid about $400 for it.
Right.
See, my wife's birthday is coming up, and I'm in the market.
You were telling me about David.
David? Oh, yes, Mr.
Kincaid.
Uh You wouldn't happen to know where I could get something that looked like that for about half the money? No, Lieutenant, I'm sorry, I don't.
And that briefcase, ma'am, did you get that in the same shop as you got the handbag? Yes, I believe I did.
Could I take a look at that? If you like.
Oh, that's the real McCoy, ma'am.
That's very fine stitching, 'cause you can hardly see the stitches.
I'd like one of those fellas for myself.
Lieutenant, please.
You were telling me about David.
I visited his office, ma'am, and right there on his desk calendar it said that he had a date to be here last night.
But I spoke to that committee woman, Miss Hendrix, and she told me she never saw him.
Yes, well, we had a fundraising event last night.
I'm on the committee, so I had to be here, but it wasn't David's cup of fun.
He said he'd rather hang by his thumbs.
Well, that certainly explains why he wasn't here, ma'am.
But that raises another question.
Joan! Oh, honey, Lieutenant Columbo just told me about David.
What a terrible thing to happen.
Thank you, Helen.
Oh, Lieutenant, we all think you played the tuba just beautifully.
I enjoyed it, ma'am.
I got your message about the master guest list.
I brought it for you.
Lieutenant, would you mind holding this for me? Not at all, ma'am.
I put this in my briefcase right after you called, Helen.
Of all days, Joan, you shouldn't have bothered.
Well, it's better than feeling sorry for myself.
I'll call you.
Last night, ma'am, you were here at the party? All evening.
And Mr.
Kincaid, he never showed up? No, Lieutenant, he decided not to come.
Well, as I was saying, that raises the question of where Mr.
Kincaid met that woman, the lady all dressed in black with the black hat.
Oh, she was certainly here.
Excuse me, ma'am? A very attractive woman dressed in black with a man's black fedora? Joan, you must have noticed her.
No, I don't believe I did.
Well, whoever she is, she was here last night.
Does that help you, Lieutenant? Well, it gives me something to think about.
It's certainly very interesting.
Good.
All right, position number one, and begin.
Very nice.
Smile, this is fun.
Beautiful smile.
You'll do well.
More wrist, more wrist.
Good, perfect! Okay, now we're gonna get started.
Now, you people, you're paying good cash to learn the bartending game.
What you get out of it, that's up to you.
Now, I'm a good bartender.
Show up on time, do your lessons, work your workbooks, you'll be good bartenders, too.
It's up to you.
Now, one more time, and begin.
Is this the bartending school? You're late.
Oh, it's been a very busy day, sir.
Get behind the bar.
Right.
Uh I'm not really a bartender.
Keep coming late, you'll never be a bartender.
I said a green vest.
Where's your green vest? What is your name? Columbo.
Homicide.
Police.
Oh, you're the one who called.
Yes, sir.
Right over here.
All right, the rest of you start on your workbooks.
Lesson one, Shirley Temples.
Get it right.
Sorry about that, Lieutenant.
How can I help you? It's this photograph, sir.
One of my homicide victims.
He had some of your matches from that Buckets bar.
They were in his pocket.
Would you recognize this man at all, sir? Sure.
He was in last night.
First-timer.
But the matches don't match.
Excuse me? I didn't give him the matches.
The lady asked for matches.
She smoked.
The one he picked up.
This lady, would I be far wrong if I said she was a very attractive lady, all dressed in black, wearing a man's black hat? About like that.
I wasn't paying much attention, so I can't tell you much.
Me, I'm just a bartender.
I don't have what you might call a trained policeman's eye.
Well, you just tell me what little you know.
Well, the lady's another first-timer.
Professional working girl.
Called herself Lisa with no last name.
If you believe Lisa's her real name, you'll believe anything.
Anyway, Lisa with no last name knew the playbook.
Comes on bold and advertises herself.
Your guy walks in, she gives him the buzz.
Guy hits.
No wasted time.
In two seconds, they are very cozy, no strains, two bugs in a rug.
You know what I'm saying? He lays some cash on her, and out they go about 9:00, maybe 9:15, as happy as clams.
That is for you, pal.
That's some observation for a man who wasn't paying attention.
Taste that.
Tell me what you think.
Well, that's very generous, sir.
That's very refreshing.
That's my Shirley Temple.
An interesting Shirley Temple.
A touch of dryness, but a light, sweet bouquet.
Very nice.
You're a very good bartender, sir.
But I think you would make a terrific detective.
I love the work I got, Lieutenant.
So do I, sir.
Forgive me, Doctor, for dropping in on you like this, but I have some very interesting news, very stimulating.
May I? Please, Lieutenant, come in.
I'm anxious to hear anything you can tell me.
You certainly have a lovely home here.
Thank you.
Oh, I've seen some beautiful homes, what with the different murders and all, but not many like this.
And look at that.
A fire in the fireplace.
Well, it's a very chilly night, ma'am, and there's nothing like a fire.
What's a courtesan, Doctor? Excuse me? Isn't that the title of your book? The Courtesan Complex? Yes.
My wife read it, you know.
Uh-huh? Oh, yes.
She enjoyed it so much, she insisted I read it.
Did she beat you to its pages with a stick, Lieutenant? Well, I'm gonna tell you the truth, ma'am.
She was most anxious for me to read the sexual fantasy part.
I haven't yet.
A courtesan, ma'am, uh, that's a prostitute? Yes, it's a polite term for a successful prostitute.
Well, that's another coincidence, Dr.
Allenby, because what I came to tell you about is that we know a whole lot more about the lady in black now.
Perhaps we should sit down, Lieutenant.
Oh, no, ma'am, I'm enjoying the fire.
The lady in black, we have a first name for her now.
She calls herself Lisa.
I'm gonna see about that briefcase there.
Oh, you've kept this too close to the fire, ma'am.
This could have been scorched.
Thank you, Lieutenant.
Oh, you're welcome, ma'am.
Uh Now, this Lisa, she and Mr.
Kincaid got together last night at that bar, that Buckets place.
Now, this is a very bold thing to say, ma'am, but Lisa is one of those courtesans.
What the vice boys call a working girl.
You mean David hired a prostitute? That's the way it looks now.
And from your news about Lisa, I'd guessed it was something like that.
David picking up some working girl, a stranger in a bar.
Oh, I don't necessarily think they were strangers.
The picture I got, from the way she turned down another man before Mr.
Kincaid came to the bar, and then the way they just sat and talked, very quiet and all.
I had to ask myself if this Lisa, if she was there waiting for Mr.
Kincaid.
And if they already knew each other, then maybe she already had a reason to kill him.
Do you think that's possible? That's what I wanted to ask you.
Do you think that's possible, from all your research with these courtesans? I tell you, Lieutenant, after today, I don't know what's possible and what isn't.
I'll tell you, ma'am, that's about the way I feel.
This case, it's already got me crazy.
Every time I learn something new, I get a puzzle.
New problems.
When Mr.
Kincaid told you that he wasn't going to the party at the Music Center, what time was that, ma'am? I think Yes, it was yesterday when he picked me up at the airport.
So he had plenty of time to make another arrangement for that evening, like with this Lisa at that Buckets place.
That's reasonable, knowing what we know now.
So what was the lady in black doing at the Music Center? It could have been for the music.
Even courtesans can love music, Lieutenant.
For the music.
That's what I told myself.
But when the concert started, Lisa was already at Buckets, so it couldn't have been for the music.
So what was she doing there? I'd like to try to help you, Lieutenant.
I'm very tired.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I've kept you too long.
Thank you for the nice fire, and I'll just see myself out.
With my briefcase? Oh.
Oh, look at that, ma'am.
Well, it certainly is a beauty.
Good night, ma'am.
Good night, Lieutenant.
Thank you for keeping me informed.
Dr.
Allenby.
Did I tell you that we found Mr.
Kincaid's keys? No, you didn't.
Sergeant Burke, he found Mr.
Kincaid's car near Buckets.
It was parked in some valet parking place.
I see.
So the lady in black, she couldn't have taken the keys from the murder scene.
The keys were never there.
The keys were at the valet parker.
So that still leaves that other problem, ma'am.
How did Mr.
Kincaid unlock the door to your clinic? You see how everything keeps dropping out on me? This case, boy.
I don't know what to tell you.
Try and sleep well.
Just one more thing, ma'am.
Just for my reports, just a detail.
I hope you'll understand.
Yes, I understand.
A detail for your report.
Yes, ma'am.
The night you flew to Chicago, the security guard's log book, it said you went back to the office that night.
My flight was fogged in, Lieutenant.
I didn't actually get out until the morning.
Oh, you want to know why I returned to the clinic.
Well, it's not me, ma'am, so much as my captain.
He's a regular stickler.
Well, as long as I had the time, I wanted to pick up a scientific paper.
It was something that a colleague asked me to look at.
So when you went back, that was just for a minute? Just for the paper.
Well, the detail I wanted to ask you.
The middle of the night, deserted streets The security guard, he said that you came in one cab and you left in another.
Why didn't you just ask the cab to wait? I did, Lieutenant, but the cab didn't wait, so I took another cab.
Well, that's it, then.
That explains it.
Good night, ma'am.
The cab left without being paid? I paid him, Lieutenant.
That's how I got him to wait.
But when I came out, he was gone.
He was gone.
Well, they're impatient, ma'am.
Good night again.
You better watch yourself, lady.
You can handle the lieutenant.
He's fired his best shots.
You should have burned Lisa's clothes.
We will.
Not yet.
Not yet.
Sergeant Burke! I need you, Sergeant.
Yes, Lieutenant? Oh, there you are.
You got the list? Yes, I have it here, Lieutenant.
The master guest list? Right here, sir.
I'll tell you what I want, Sergeant.
Excuse me? What I want you to do, Sergeant.
Yes, Lieutenant.
Get all the help you can.
Talk to that lady, Miss Hendrix.
I want to know anyone that ever had any contact with the lady in black.
Anyone that knew her, anyone that talked with her, anyone that ever had anything to do with the woman in black.
The master list, right? Right.
Right.
How you doing, fellas? All right, let's leave it at this.
Bill and Joanne have been trying too hard, and Lloyd and Cynthia gave up trying sex altogether, which is against the rules, possibly against the law.
So, let's all be very sensible and try to decide what exactly Dr.
Allenby, can I see you? Excuse me.
I'm afraid I'm busy, Lieutenant.
Right.
So we want to decide Would it be all right if I joined you, ma'am? Absolutely not.
I understand.
Enjoying the mirror, Lieutenant? It's a fantastic bed.
Fantastic.
Half the fun of sex is fantasy.
Oh, I know that, ma'am.
I've been reading your book.
Well, now, I'm proud of you, Lieutenant.
You wanted to see me? What it is, ma'am, it's the lady in black.
And it's very baffling, the way she keeps changing.
The gun dealer said Oh, did I tell you that we found the gun? No, no.
That must be important.
Found the gun, ma'am, in a mailbox down the block.
No fingerprints, but purchased on the day of the murder.
Now, that's important.
But I want you to read something important.
Um Oh, goodness.
That's a parking ticket.
Oh, that's not it.
Keep forgetting that.
Here Here we are, ma'am.
Uh "Gun dealer said she gave name, Lisa Prescott.
"Boys at vice never heard of Lisa Prescott.
" "Address, turned out no such" Here.
"Nervous.
" The gun dealer said she was very nervous.
Nervous? Nervous, ma'am.
Yes, well, I suppose that's a kind of a description.
Oh, we got descriptions, ma'am.
We've got plenty of descriptions.
The night security guard, he said that she was shy, and the bartender at Buckets, he said that she was bold and confident.
So what we're looking for, ma'am, is a shy, bold, nervous, confident lady in black.
I see your problem, Lieutenant, and I don't envy you.
Oh, and it gets worse, ma'am.
Do you remember the cigarette, the one with the lipstick? Yes.
There in the ashtray.
Yes, ma'am.
The lab boys, they ran a new test on the saliva from the cigarette.
Just from the saliva, they can tell you all about a person.
And from their report, whoever smoked that cigarette, she had a completely different blood type than the blood from these spots here.
But the blood spots, that's a whole different type blood than the victim's blood.
That means three people in the room.
Do you think there could have been two women with Mr.
Kincaid on the night of the murder? Two women, Lieutenant? I I don't know what to say.
And then we have to consider this.
Those two long black hairs that we found on the victim, very feminine, ma'am.
The lab boys think maybe an Asian woman.
And it turns out that the blood type from these two hairs, that's a whole new different type blood.
Would that mean there were three women with Mr.
Kincaid? You mean a sex orgy, Lieutenant? I suppose with a man like David, everything I'm learning about him, yes, I suppose that's completely possible.
Right.
But that brings us back again to that security guard.
He said only one woman came up here.
Do you think they could have come from other offices in the same building? No, ma'am, the security guard, he checked out everybody from the building.
I don't know what to think, Lieutenant.
You've got my head spinning.
Well, but when you get right down to it, ma'am, only one woman came in, and only one woman went out.
And whatever all this means, we have to look for the lady in black.
And when we find her, I promise you, you're gonna be the first to know.
Good day.
Oh, Lieutenant? Dr.
Ward.
Do you have a minute for me? Of course, sir.
We can talk in here.
I have something to confess.
Sex is my whole life, Lieutenant.
Oh, my goodness.
My life.
My therapy.
My work.
My frigid women, my prostitutes, my premature men.
It's a very full life, sir.
Odd sexual events.
What do you think of this? A red ribbon, sir? A red hair ribbon, Lieutenant.
Like Cindy Galt wears, Dr.
Allenby's assistant.
Is that an odd event, sir? It's a sexual event.
I found this the other morning in our bedroom therapy facility.
No patients had been scheduled, but the bed had been used.
See, that's the kind of behavior we've had around here.
And I put that down to David Kincaid's influence.
You do, sir? I didn't like David Kincaid, and I loathed his influence on Dr.
Allenby.
His cheap crusade to turn sex into something trivial and popular.
Yeah, right.
Popular sex, that's something We certainly gotta watch out for that.
You were saying something about a confession? Right.
I confess that I despised David, but I want you to know that I didn't have anything to do with his murder.
I'm glad you told me, sir, so I don't get you all confused with the lady in black.
This has been very interesting.
Oh, Lieutenant, one more thing.
Do you think this is the right time for me to advise Dr.
Allenby that she's well rid of David? You're asking me, sir? Well, you seem very wise.
Well, Dr.
Ward, if I were you, I'd try to do the right thing.
Yes.
Of course.
That's very good, Lieutenant.
Thank you.
I'll see you later.
Oh, Lieutenant Columbo? Dr.
Neff.
Do you have a minute? Anytime, sir.
Lieutenant, I know you've heard all the rumors running around this place.
I mean, about Dr.
Ward getting nowhere with his crush on Cindy Galt.
And Cindy ducking out for cocktails with David Kincaid.
And you must have heard about how I feel about Dr.
Allenby.
No, I don't seem to have that here.
I've been crazy about her ever since I joined the clinic.
And I was deeply jealous of David, but I had nothing whatsoever to do with his murder.
I want you to know that.
Right.
No connection with the murder.
Lieutenant, with all your experience out there in the world and in view of what's happened, how long would you advise me to wait before telling Joan I'm in love with her? If I were you, sir, I would wait until the lady's ready and not a moment longer.
Of course.
I should have been able to figure that out for myself.
Thank you, Lieutenant.
Oh, Lieutenant, do you have a moment for me? Even though I am going back for my master's in psychiatric social work, I love working for Dr.
Allenby.
And David Kincaid, he was, like, coming on to me.
I mean, in a very nice way.
I mean, he was always a perfect gentleman, and, of course, I would never, never do anything to hurt Joan.
So, there's my problem.
You'll have to clarify that for me, ma'am.
Well, after what happened, if I'm going to be loyal to Joan, should I ever tell her about David's crush on me? In my opinion, and not speaking strictly as a detective, sometimes kindness is wiser than truth.
Of course.
I think I know exactly what you mean.
I knew I could talk to you.
Thank you, Lieutenant.
Got a minute, Lieutenant? We did it.
Now, just one second, sir, hold the phone.
Let me get this straight.
The lady in black, she went in there.
She went in that door right there.
She went in, and she never came out.
And you waited.
Until I asked the attendant to go see if she was in there.
And she wasn't there.
Nobody was there.
Who came out? How do I know, Lieutenant? Ladies went in, ladies came out.
Just ordinary ladies? Ordinary ladies.
Ordinary ladies.
Did any of these ladies have a suitcase, a package? Were they carrying a bag, something like that? I don't know, Lieutenant.
I wasn't looking for bags or packages.
I was waiting for this very exotic brunette.
Miss Hendrix, please, ma'am.
Yes, Lieutenant.
Thank you very much, Mr.
Lenz.
Just check with Sergeant Burke.
Keep him informed as to your whereabouts.
Ma'am, I'm gonna have to go in there.
Would you guard the door, ma'am? The ladies' room? But it's almost intermission, Lieutenant.
Just one minute, ma'am.
One minute.
Oh, but Well, I Oh Oh, dear.
Lieutenant! What was he doing in there? I'm sorry, ma'am.
I'm sorry.
You ought to be ashamed.
I'm very sorry.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
You have a lot of nerve! No.
I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, forgive me.
Sir? Excuse me, ma'am, trash? Where do you dump the trash? No, no, no, police, ma'am, police, police.
See? Hey, police.
See, police! Trash Trash Where? See, where do you dump the trash? No, no, no, no, no! No, the trash! Where do you put the trash? No, no, no, no! Trash! Where's the trash? No, no, no, no, no, ma'am.
No cleaning.
No, no, no.
No cleaning.
See, empty.
No, the trash.
The big trash.
No, no.
The trash, ma'am.
See? Trash.
Trash! See, nyet, nyet, nyet.
Drop off, pick up, and Grande No, no, no, no, ma'am, no.
Grande, grande, trash grande.
That's it! I found it! You're a very nice lady.
Do svidaniya, police boy.
Hello.
Who are you? Well, here you are, Dr.
Allenby.
I took the liberty of inviting Mr.
Lenz to your home.
Your housekeeper was kind enough to let us in.
Mr.
Lenz, this is the remarkable lady I was telling you about.
Yes, thank you very much for having us, Dr.
Allenby.
Mr.
Lenz, he would like to sit down and talk with you, ma'am, if you don't mind.
My pleasure.
Come along, gentlemen.
Can you give me a hint about all this, Lieutenant? Well, I'm back in trouble, ma'am.
This Lisa, this lady in black.
I got 56 vice boys out in the street.
They're looking, they're pumping.
I got another eight doing nothing but sifting files.
We're chasing courtesans up and down the scale.
Please make yourselves comfortable.
You know what I got out of all this? I got depressed.
It's not just nobody knows anything, nobody even suspects anything.
Now I run into Mr.
Lenz here.
He tells me his story.
I don't what to make of it.
I got all turned around.
I want you to listen to this man's story.
Mr.
Lenz? Well, I went to the Music Center the other night Could I bring you something to drink? Sure.
Could you manage some sparkling mineral water? I think so.
Same for you, Lieutenant? Oh, no, thank you, ma'am.
I'll just have some seltzer.
I think I can manage that, too.
Mr.
Lenz, please, tell me your story.
Well, I can only tell you what I told Lieutenant Columbo.
Oh, that'll be fine, sir.
Well, I met her, you know, this lady in black with the man's hat.
It was at the Music Center affair.
I understand you were there.
I was.
Ice? Please.
Well, I saw her, and I have this obligation.
Whenever I see an attractive lady, I feel like it's my duty to meet her.
So I tried.
No encouragement.
So I followed her.
Where? To the ladies' room.
To the ladies' room? Turned out to be the waiting room.
I mean, she went inside, and I waited outside.
You're a romantic, Mr.
Lenz.
Yes, I am.
Excellent diagnosis, Doctor.
Anyway, I waited, and she never came out.
Tell her about the attendant.
At the end of the evening, I asked the attendant to go inside and check it out for me, and there was nobody there.
Nobody.
The lady vanishes.
Into thin air? No air at all.
She's just gone.
Now, what do you think about a thing like that, ma'am? Were you drinking, Mr.
Lenz? Not a drop.
Just champagne.
And the lady never came out.
You see what we got here now, ma'am? We were talking one lady, two ladies, three ladies.
Now I got a half a lady, the half that went in.
The other half, I don't know.
Thanks again, Dr.
Allenby.
I'll wait for you, Lieutenant.
Goodbye, Mr.
Lenz.
Your story was very amusing.
But I just can't take it seriously, Lieutenant.
Well, that's what we got, ma'am.
A good detective, even a medium detective, he can find somebody who was there and bring you an answer.
But somebody who wasn't there? How can I deal with that? I can't imagine, Lieutenant.
This Lisa, people tell stories, but there's no trace she ever existed.
Maybe we got this wrong, the way we're looking at it.
Looking at it all wrong.
Well, I'm working, ma'am.
I'm still out there.
I appreciate everything you're doing, Lieutenant.
You'll see me again, ma'am.
I'm sure I will.
Drinks are on Lisa! Lisa buys the drinks! Take care of my new friends.
And this is for you.
For what? Just a phone call.
To a man named Columbo.
This is the number, this is the message.
"Sorry about what happened," signed, "Lisa.
" And that's it? Do you think you can do that for me? All right, here you go.
Thanks.
Dr.
Allenby.
Good evening, Dr.
Allenby.
It's Sergeant Burke.
Lieutenant Columbo asked me to tell you he has very good news.
He's found the lady in black.
Dr.
Allenby? Where did you find her? He said it was right in your own office files, ma'am.
Your research files.
The Lieutenant said he wants you to know that.
Good night, Dr.
Allenby.
Over here, ma'am.
I'm sorry, Doctor.
I didn't mean to frighten you like that.
I thought I heard voices.
I Oh, that'd be me, ma'am.
I was talking on the phone with Sergeant Burke.
He was supposed to ask you to join me here, and he forgot to say that.
But I'm glad you came anyway.
Why did you come here, ma'am? Certainly not to be frightened out of my wits, Lieutenant.
Sergeant Burke called and told me that you'd found Lisa in one of my files.
I came to see for myself.
Well.
There he goes again, ma'am.
Sergeant Burke, he's a very fine young detective, but we all make mistakes from time to time.
What I asked him to tell you, it was as if she had been in your own files all the time.
No, no, I certainly couldn't find her here, Doctor.
Not even in "odd sexual events.
" How did you find her? Oh, for that, ma'am, we have to go to the therapy room.
To the therapy room, ma'am.
This Lisa, this lady in black, I've been getting some very strange messages from her, ma'am.
Messages? She's sorry she did what she did.
She had to do what she did, and now she's leaving town.
But she hasn't left town yet.
And I think she's been trying to fool us about a lot of things.
For instance, this ashtray.
Would you look at this ashtray? To a detective, this is a fascinating ashtray.
I mean, what's in it.
That's exactly what we found the morning after the murder.
I put everything back just the way it was.
She was a smoker, ma'am.
The bartender said she was a smoker.
And you see that? You see that burned match? Yes, I can see the match, Lieutenant.
And the cigarette stub, and only a few ashes? Do you see how puzzling that is? No.
I see a burned match and half a cigarette.
And a few ashes.
And a few ashes.
But not enough to account for a whole cigarette, ma'am.
A whole cigarette, ma'am, that produces this amount of ash.
You know what that weighs? I weighed that, ma'am.
That's 500 milligrams.
And the ashes in the tray, that's 48 milligrams.
All right, make it 50.
We're still missing That's very scientific, Lieutenant.
But she might have smoked the cigarette someplace else.
But here's the match, ma'am.
Like she lit and smoked it right here in this room.
And there's no ashes on the table, and there's no ashes under the table, and there's not enough ashes in the ashtray.
You'll forgive me, Lieutenant, if I'm not quite as fascinated by this as you are.
Well, ma'am, even ashes, they don't just fly away and vanish.
The hair and fiber boys, I had them vacuum this whole room.
No cigarette ashes.
And what do you detect, Lieutenant, from the infamous missing ashes? Oh, yes, you said that Lisa was trying to fool us.
Like she was setting a scene, ma'am, yes.
Like this whole room, like it was some kind of a stage, making us think she was something she isn't.
Is that a possibility? Lieutenant, you still haven't told me how you found her.
Well, I've only received messages from her, ma'am.
I haven't seen her yet.
With your permission, Doctor.
And now we have to consider the victim's keys.
His missing keys.
No matter how you look at it, it always comes out the same.
If Mr.
Kincaid didn't have the key to open the door, then the lady in black, she must have been the one with the key.
So now we have to face that as a fact.
And I know you're thinking the same thing I am.
Lisa, she had to be someone connected with your own clinic.
That's totally ludicrous, Lieutenant.
Unless Lisa could have been the cleaning lady.
Do you think that's a possibility? I doubt it, ma'am.
Is that your phone? That could be important.
I'll see.
Ma'am, the lady in black, she might be coming here tonight.
Did I tell you she might be coming here? No.
The phone.
That may be her.
Hello? Dr.
Allenby? Yes.
This is Sergeant Burke.
I wonder if I could talk to the lieutenant.
It's Sergeant Burke.
Thank you.
Yes, Sergeant? Right.
Thank you, Sergeant.
Well, ma'am, they think she's somewhere in the building.
Doctor, are you familiar with a Chicago department store named Neufeld's? Yes.
Why do you ask? Because I happen to know that's where you bought that camel's hair coat you're wearing.
Well, if you knew that, why did you ask if I was familiar with the store? To see if you'd tell me the truth, ma'am.
Are you aware, Lieutenant, how insulting that is? I am, ma'am, and I regret having to say it.
But now we both have to consider this.
Would you take a look at that, ma'am? I would say that's the tag off your new coat, the one you bought in Chicago.
And that first day, ma'am, riding up in the elevator, I thought you looked very nice.
And that tag, that was dangling from the hem of your coat.
I wasn't aware of the tag.
No, ma'am, and I thought that was very endearing.
The department store people, they told me you charged that coat to your credit card.
I did, as a matter of fact.
Is that significant? Well, it brings us to another question, ma'am.
Would you grant me that sometimes a person would prefer to pay cash, rather than charge something and have a written record of this purchase? Would you grant me that, ma'am? I suppose that, uh, there could be reasons.
That's a fax copy of the check you gave, ma'am, in your Chicago hotel.
$1,500, payable to cash.
You seem to have been very attentive to my affairs.
What did you do with the money, ma'am? I think I've had about enough of your questions, Lieutenant.
How I spend my money is none of your business.
I'll leave you to find the woman in black.
You seem to have lost her.
Was that the elevator, ma'am? Not yet.
If you don't mind, ma'am, one more thing before you go.
The therapy room.
I think she may already be here, ma'am.
In there.
Do you think she's already been here? Well, maybe you saw her yourself, or somebody very much like her out in the foyer? One of our policewomen, ma'am.
Only you didn't say a word about that to me, because you knew Lisa, she couldn't be out there, because she's been here with me all along.
Would you agree with me about that, Dr.
Allenby? You seem to have gone to a great deal of trouble, Lieutenant.
I think I can say the same thing about you, ma'am.
That's her hat, bought with cash, and her wig.
The wig saleslady from the Chicago store, she said you already had the hat when you tried on the wig.
Did I mention that she recognized your photo from the picture we sent her from your book? No.
No, that must have slipped your mind.
The saleslady in women's suits, she only sold two black suits that day, and only one in the size of the lady who bought the wig.
They sent us all these things, Doctor.
Like the things you hid in the Music Center to play your courtesan game with Mr.
Kincaid.
Was that because of Cindy Galt, ma'am? You're very intuitive, Lieutenant.
You would have made a splendid therapist.
There's a lovely fire here, ma'am.
Why don't we share the fire? I think the night you came back from the airport, you found Mr.
Kincaid right here in this room, making love to Cindy Galt.
Is that why you killed him? That night, the two of them in bed together, I heard him laughing at me.
I was his joke.
That must have been very hard, ma'am.
There isn't a woman in the world, Lieutenant, who wouldn't have fantasized, in my circumstances, about doing what I did.
Make him pay for the anguish and the humiliation and all the loneliness to come.
But I went beyond the fantasy, and I wasn't even frightened.
Do you want to hear, Lieutenant, what did frighten me? If you'd like to tell me, ma'am.
Becoming somebody else.
Becoming Lisa.
After all my research, all my books, I hadn't truly understood what it was to sink into a fantasy.
Being someone stronger, more desirable, more willful and exciting.
Someone that David would never have dared betray.
For those few days, I liked Lisa better than I liked myself.
That frightened me far more than your waiting to arrest me.
Now that I've confessed all this, I want to know.
Do you think less of me? I'm only a policeman.
Judging people, that's all up to somebody else.
But I can tell you, I've enjoyed our talks very much, and I think I do understand.
Ma'am.
" Patients I work with here at the Allenby Clinic, listeners who write to us, people I meet around the country, everyone thinks that his sexual fantasies, or her sexual fantasies, are unique and personal and perhaps even a little shameful.
We get a lot of call-ins about that.
And the fact is that those fantasies are as common and as healthy as rain.
The big secret is everybody's got 'em.
For women, one of the most common fantasies is that of being a courtesan.
A highly desired, incredibly beautiful prostitute, bestowing her favors on her chosen lover.
In the few moments I have left, I want to make the point that everybody dreams the same sexy dream.
So don't be shy about including it in your love games.
As long as they're just games, I give you my permission.
The book, again, is The Courtesan Complex, and until next time, this is Doctor Joan Allenby suggesting that a rich sexual fantasy life is as important to good sex as choosing the right lover.
Bye-bye for now.
Well, now.
Well, now.
Why did you ever leave me? I give you three seconds to run into my arms.
Male domination.
One.
I hate your business trips.
Two.
I hate my business trips.
Three.
Oh, boy.
When do we really get serious about this? Tonight in Chicago.
Mmm-mmm.
Can't go with you.
No, David, you promised.
I promised you your own television show, and the deal makes here, tomorrow, LA.
What's more important anyway, happiness or money? The Doctor Allenby Clinic.
Good afternoon.
I loathe those damn radio conventions.
The good old syndication boys.
Can't your meeting wait another day? No.
So you'll have to carry the flag in Chicago.
I hate it.
Come with me.
Not a prayer.
She's crazy about him.
I haven't got a chance.
Madge, did you call a car for Dr.
Allenby? Limo's waiting downstairs.
He may not be so crazy about her.
There may be hope yet, Doctor.
Joanie, believe me, one day in Chicago will do it.
You'll dazzle the buyers and head for the hills.
Uh-huh.
You know what "fat chance" means? Yeah? Joan, I've done a new paper for the journal.
"Narcissism and Frigidity.
" You might take a look at it on the plane.
I will if I get time.
Simon, did you enjoy my broadcast? What makes you think I listened to it, Doctor? If I hated a program as much as you hate mine, I'd probably listen out of sheer malicious spite.
Cheap, shoddy commercialization.
Actually, Simon, there's nothing cheap about it.
Joan, you need to get a move on.
Plane tickets, itinerary.
Limo will meet you at O'Hare.
Yep.
Hotel reservations, and Agatha Christie.
If nothing else, she'll help you sleep.
Cindy, how could I survive without you? Oh, you can't.
It's job security.
Bye-bye.
For a couple of lovesick kids, we sure do have a hard time getting together.
Oh, good.
That sounds like guilt.
Where there's guilt, there's hope.
Did you call your mother today? And when was the last time you made love to me? I don't remember.
Oh, very good! Does that make you feel guilty? Just makes me want to make love to you.
Wait for me, cowboy.
I adore you.
Ladies and gentlemen, we regret Flight 141 to Chicago O'Hare Airport is still delayed.
Doctor Allenby.
Doctor Allenby.
We anticipate the fog will be with us through the night.
Oh, we're finally boarding.
I'm afraid not.
The airport's still socked in.
What about Burbank, or one of the other airports? Dr.
Allenby, may I make a suggestion? Why don't you get a good night's sleep at one of the airport hotels, and I can book you on the first flight in the morning? If I'm going to sleep, I can do better than a hotel.
I appreciate all your help.
My pleasure.
I enjoyed reading The Courtesan Complex.
I enjoyed writing it.
We regret all flights departing and arriving will be delayed until further notice.
Will Mr.
Bruce Phillips please go to the white courtesy phone in the main lobby? Good evening, Dr.
Allenby.
Hello, Ozzie.
Final exams? Yes.
In law school, every day is final exams.
You think so, counselor? Try a doctorate in psychology.
I'm hungry.
If I was a dessert, what kind of dessert would I be? Bavarian chocolate cream pie, laced with rare Napoleon brandy.
What about your Dr.
Joan? Rice pudding.
We're now landing at LAX.
Thank you for flying with us, and have a nice day.
Passengers from Flight 219 from Chicago may pick up your baggage at the first door.
Oh, hello again.
Tell me how much you missed me.
We made the TV deal.
That much? Now give it to me, come on.
Gladly.
How was Chicago? Like an all-day dental appointment.
David? Yo.
How long we been together? Business or pleasure? Take your pick.
Three years.
You ever get tired of me? Come on.
Does the sky get tired of the sun? Still, I think it's time we took some of my professional advice.
Advise me, Doctor.
Fun and games.
What flavor? Sultan and slave girl.
Headmistress and choirboy.
Whatever.
That's some "whatever.
" We've got the reception at the Music Center tonight.
Is that really what you want to do? What do I really want to do? There's a cocktail lounge called Buckets.
Meet me there at 9:00.
Boy, have I got plans for you.
Joan! Oh, Joan, thank God you've come.
I've forgotten everyone's name.
Relax, Helen.
It looks like a wonderful turnout.
Well, now comes phase two, the prying open of the checkbook.
Go.
Circulate.
Get money for music.
Married women circulate.
Single women mingle.
Joan.
Walter, I didn't know you were going to be here tonight.
Well, I'm testing my agoraphobia.
If I can stand all this, I can stand anything.
Where's David? Well, he had to work.
Oh.
Well, why don't the two of us find a quiet corner and share some hors d'oeuvres? I'll protect you from the rabble.
I'd love to, Walter, but the committee members are supposed to mix.
Enjoy the concert.
Oh, excuse me.
I'm terribly sorry.
Oh, what a marvelous hat! I love it! Thank you.
I don't believe we've met.
I'm Helen Hendrix from the committee.
Have you ever considered making a donation? Can I buy you a drink? Competition? Never seen her before.
Did she buy the chair? Not yet, she didn't.
I'll deliver this myself.
Drinks are on the house.
Hi.
I'm Lisa.
Hi, Lisa.
Matches? That's for friendship and understanding.
Good luck, Lisa.
What? Hello, sailor.
You come here often? You're playing games, Joan? Yes, and I'm not Joan.
I'm Lisa.
Come on, David, loosen up.
Play with me a little.
How do you like your Lisa? Lisa has never looked more delectable.
Would you like to take Lisa home with you? Say yes.
Yes.
Money.
Enough? For starters.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Come on up and see the doctor.
Is Lisa a doctor? Mmm-hmm.
Wait till you see what kind of doctor.
Good evening, Mr.
Kincaid.
How long till the bar, Ozzie? Uh, next spring, Mr.
Kincaid.
You'll do fine.
Yeah, well, working nights, I have plenty of studying time.
That's the way I did it.
Shh.
What are we whispering for? My mother is sleeping in here.
Shh.
My Uncle Max is in there.
Oh, right.
And this is my room.
No.
Let me do everything.
It's my evening.
I'm in charge.
You don't have to do anything.
You're forbidden to do anything, except to enjoy everything.
My glove.
Wait till you see what I can do with this.
Where did you learn all this, huh? I wrote the book, remember? I'm your instrument of absolute pleasure.
Don't go.
Just for a minute.
Don't look.
Get ready for my real surprise.
I'm almost ready now.
What? If I were a dessert, what kind of dessert would I be? Sorry, but you can't go in there.
Really? I could spend the rest of my life just watching you walk toward me.
Thank you.
And now you can watch me walk away from you.
Well, partner, we did it, concert and all.
What do you think? Big success? I think everything came off perfectly.
Okay, so let me get this straight.
This is a complete log here of everyone that came in and went out of the building.
Is that correct, sir? That's right.
Excuse me, officer.
Dr.
Allenby? Dr.
Allenby, I'm sorry.
Thank you, Ozzie.
I don't think I believe it yet.
Whoa! Thank you, thank you.
Joan.
Oh, Joan.
What can I say? I know, Cindy.
Thank you.
Joan, it's so awful.
I feel so bad.
Thank you.
There's so much to feel bad about, Madge.
Here.
Lieutenant Columbo.
This is Dr.
Allenby.
Joan, this is Lieutenant Columbo from the police.
You're Dr.
Allenby? I've been looking forward to meeting you, and here we rode all the way up in the elevator together.
I'm, uh I'm very sorry, ma'am, about what happened.
I'm not sure what happened, Lieutenant.
The call said David is dead, shot to death last night.
That's all I know.
It's not a very pleasant subject, ma'am.
Where did it happen? In that bedroom, ma'am.
May I see the room? Doctor.
I'm sorry, Dr.
Allenby's appointments are canceled until further notice.
Well, Doctor, I'm not sure you'll be ready for all that yet, being that you and the victim were, as I understand it, very close.
I'm not a stranger to shock, Lieutenant.
I want to know what happened.
All right, ma'am, if that's what you want.
Joan.
Joan.
I called the radio people and canceled your program for the rest of the week.
Thank you, Simon.
That was very thoughtful.
Oh, Joan, did you get a chance to look at my new paper? No, Simon.
I did not.
You see, Doctor? This is all what I didn't want you to see.
In here, that's where it happened.
There? That's where he fell, ma'am, after the woman shot him.
A woman? If you'll forgive my saying so, ma'am, a very beautiful woman, very desirable, here in the bedroom with Mr.
Kincaid.
We got a description from the night security guard.
Dark hair, all dressed in black, with a black fedora hat.
Does that strike a chord, ma'am? Would Mr.
Kincaid know anybody like that? Would you know anybody like that? No.
No, I didn't know that David knew anyone like that.
Is there some explanation? It's hard to come right out and say it, ma'am, but you can see there's some kind of violence here.
And over here there's blood on the carpet, nothing to do with the body, like he was hurting her.
I'm sorry to say, ma'am, like he was making her do something she didn't want to do.
And she was armed.
Unless there was already a gun in the room.
And she shot him.
At least that's the way it seems.
I can assure you, Lieutenant, there was no gun in this room.
You know, I was wondering, ma'am, what kind of room is this? We're psychologists here, Lieutenant.
Our patients come to us with sexual problems.
Sometimes alone, sometimes in couples.
Sometimes a room like this can be conducive to solving their sexual problems.
And we also use that part for lecture purposes.
You mean, these people, they go to bed here? That's what the whole room was designed for.
And the people there are watching them? No, Lieutenant.
I assure you, they're quite alone.
But there's people out there.
I mean, in the hall.
There's people all around here.
There are doors.
Yeah, but the people out there know, I mean, that the couple is in here, and the couple in here, I mean, they know that the people out there know.
Lieutenant, we're talking about therapy.
Everybody knows? Does that disturb you? Oh.
Oh, no, ma'am.
No, no.
I'm just asking questions, ma'am.
Just part of the investigation.
Those are his things, ma'am.
What we call his effects.
Yes.
After death, things have a way of turning into effects.
And David turns into a stranger.
Buckets? I think it's some kind of a bar, ma'am.
I see.
And over here, a cigarette stub.
Is that hers? That's the assumption we're working under, ma'am.
A smoker.
Lieutenant.
Yes, Sergeant? A moment, ma'am.
When you went for coffee, we found these hairs on the victim.
Long black hairs, like a woman's.
We searched the whole area by the body, nothing yet.
These hairs were on his right shoulder and near his chest.
Well, we have the hairs, right? Might tell us something.
Can I take these things yet? No, Sergeant, not yet.
No.
Lieutenant, is there anything else I should know? Oh, oh, excuse me, ma'am.
I'm terribly sorry.
We get so wrapped up in these things.
Little details like a woman's cigarette.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have kept you waiting like that.
Ma'am, could you take another look at those effects? Certainly.
Are you looking, ma'am? Yes, Lieutenant, I'm looking.
These are all the things that were in Mr.
Kincaid's pockets.
Do you see anything that's missing? Something very puzzling? I don't think I understand.
His keys, ma'am.
There aren't any keys.
If there aren't any keys, how did the victim unlock the door to your clinic last night? How did they get in here? Yes, of course, his keys.
How very strange.
I suppose the woman could have taken them.
Yes, that's very good, Lieutenant.
In a moment of panic, to escape, to steal his car, she took his keys.
But, ma'am, why would she do that? She just murdered a man.
Why would she take a chance on being seen driving his car? I mean, even in panic, I would think she'd want to stay as far away from that car as she could.
Yes, I see.
On the other hand, maybe she took the keys not to drive the car, but to get something out of the car which could identify her.
Something she bought that day, a dress from the cleaners, a prescription.
Could be anything.
That's very clever, Lieutenant.
That would explain everything.
But if it didn't, ma'am, then the lady in black, she'd be the one who had the key to your clinic.
But if that was true, you certainly would have some idea who she might be.
You see why I'm puzzled by these keys? Lieutenant, I'm afraid that I'm not ready to deal with all of this yet.
Would you mind if I went back to my office? Oh, of course not, ma'am.
I'm sorry to bother you with all of these questions.
I know what a terrible shock this has been.
Thank you for trying to shield me.
You've been very kind.
I'm sure you know by now I'm always here for you.
Whatever I can do.
You're very sweet, Walter.
Thank you.
This place All we ever seem to talk about is sex and feelings.
It's always with strangers.
We never get to talk about our own feelings.
Lieutenant Columbo, ma'am.
Is it all right to intrude? Of course, Lieutenant.
You met Doctor Neff? Oh, I think I've met everyone in the clinic.
All the sex doctors.
Psychologists, Lieutenant.
Sex therapists.
Joan, believe me, one day all this pain will just be a memory.
Could I get you some tea, Lieutenant? Oh, no, thank you, ma'am.
No? All right.
Well, what can I do for you? I'll just ask you a few more questions, ma'am, if you can put up with that.
I think I can manage that.
From this moment, Lieutenant, life goes on.
Back straight, chin up and a smile for the world.
How's that for courage? Well, that's a very nice smile you have there, ma'am.
How can I help you? Mainly, Dr.
Allenby, it's about the victim.
Could you tell me about your relationship with the victim? We had great sex.
Okay.
The victim, as you so delicately put it, was my lover.
Is there a problem with that? Not necessarily, ma'am, no.
David and I enjoyed making physical love to each other, and only to each other.
At least, that was my assumption in the days when I was considerably less skeptical than I am now.
David was also my business partner in our radio and television work.
Are you familiar with my broadcasts? Yes, I am.
The things that you say on the radio, ma'am, they're very frank.
About what? About sex, ma'am.
Sit down.
David's love made it possible for me to be frank in public.
The kinds of things I have to talk about require a great deal of sexual confidence and happiness and freedom.
David gave me all those things.
I suppose they're the same things I try to give my patients.
The freedom to love.
Does that answer your question about our relationship? Oh, yes, ma'am.
You've made it very clear.
I think I understand.
I hope so.
Lieutenant, there's still one more thing.
Can you tell me about your own primary sexual relationships? I beg your pardon, ma'am? A policeman just asked me a very intimate question, and I gave a very intimate answer.
I think I have a right to know how that answer will be interpreted, and that depends on your intimate sexual relationships.
I'm a married man, ma'am.
Everything all right at home? I think I'm gonna be leaving now.
Thank you very much.
Don't let me drive you away, Lieutenant.
Oh.
Oh, no, ma'am.
No, I Not with all the work that I have to do on this case.
I'm gonna be back.
You can count on that.
Now we're gonna learn more about the tuba.
Is that a tuba? It's a very delicate instrument, has a very tiny, tiny, tiny tone.
Sort of like the love song of a canary.
Listen very closely, or you just won't hear it at all.
I'm looking for, uh, Miss Hendrix.
I forgot to tell you, it's a two-ton canary.
There.
Have you ever heard a jazz tuba? No.
What's a jazz tuba? Here's what a jazz tuba sounds like.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Lieutenant Columbo, police.
Not now.
Okay, who wants to learn how to play the tuba here? Come on, it's a cinch.
No.
You, sir.
You in the raincoat.
Me? Yeah! Oh, no, no.
We can't do without you! Please, please, come on, sir! I think you're caught.
Give him a hand, kids, come on.
Are you a musician, sir? No, sir.
I'm a policeman.
There you are, Mr.
Policeman.
There's your tuba.
Enjoy yourself.
Go, Mr.
Policeman.
Play.
Like this, sir? Have fun.
Hey! Yes! Bravo! Ah, you've done this before.
Well, you know, when I was in high school, that was the only instrument they had left.
Same with me.
Come on, kids, we're gonna have a tuba march.
Everybody stand up and follow me and the policeman.
We're gonna march off this way.
You ready? I'm gonna try.
All right! Dr.
Allenby.
Well, this certainly is a coincidence.
Here I come to the Music Center, I'm looking for Mr.
Kincaid, and who do I find but you? You were looking for David? For his whereabouts, ma'am, last night, before the murder.
That's a lovely outfit you're wearing.
Thank you.
This is a hard question, ma'am, and you certainly don't have to answer it.
But would you mind telling me what you paid for this handbag? For my bag? It doesn't have to be exact, ma'am.
Just a ballpark figure.
Well, this was an expensive bag, Lieutenant.
I paid about $400 for it.
Right.
See, my wife's birthday is coming up, and I'm in the market.
You were telling me about David.
David? Oh, yes, Mr.
Kincaid.
Uh You wouldn't happen to know where I could get something that looked like that for about half the money? No, Lieutenant, I'm sorry, I don't.
And that briefcase, ma'am, did you get that in the same shop as you got the handbag? Yes, I believe I did.
Could I take a look at that? If you like.
Oh, that's the real McCoy, ma'am.
That's very fine stitching, 'cause you can hardly see the stitches.
I'd like one of those fellas for myself.
Lieutenant, please.
You were telling me about David.
I visited his office, ma'am, and right there on his desk calendar it said that he had a date to be here last night.
But I spoke to that committee woman, Miss Hendrix, and she told me she never saw him.
Yes, well, we had a fundraising event last night.
I'm on the committee, so I had to be here, but it wasn't David's cup of fun.
He said he'd rather hang by his thumbs.
Well, that certainly explains why he wasn't here, ma'am.
But that raises another question.
Joan! Oh, honey, Lieutenant Columbo just told me about David.
What a terrible thing to happen.
Thank you, Helen.
Oh, Lieutenant, we all think you played the tuba just beautifully.
I enjoyed it, ma'am.
I got your message about the master guest list.
I brought it for you.
Lieutenant, would you mind holding this for me? Not at all, ma'am.
I put this in my briefcase right after you called, Helen.
Of all days, Joan, you shouldn't have bothered.
Well, it's better than feeling sorry for myself.
I'll call you.
Last night, ma'am, you were here at the party? All evening.
And Mr.
Kincaid, he never showed up? No, Lieutenant, he decided not to come.
Well, as I was saying, that raises the question of where Mr.
Kincaid met that woman, the lady all dressed in black with the black hat.
Oh, she was certainly here.
Excuse me, ma'am? A very attractive woman dressed in black with a man's black fedora? Joan, you must have noticed her.
No, I don't believe I did.
Well, whoever she is, she was here last night.
Does that help you, Lieutenant? Well, it gives me something to think about.
It's certainly very interesting.
Good.
All right, position number one, and begin.
Very nice.
Smile, this is fun.
Beautiful smile.
You'll do well.
More wrist, more wrist.
Good, perfect! Okay, now we're gonna get started.
Now, you people, you're paying good cash to learn the bartending game.
What you get out of it, that's up to you.
Now, I'm a good bartender.
Show up on time, do your lessons, work your workbooks, you'll be good bartenders, too.
It's up to you.
Now, one more time, and begin.
Is this the bartending school? You're late.
Oh, it's been a very busy day, sir.
Get behind the bar.
Right.
Uh I'm not really a bartender.
Keep coming late, you'll never be a bartender.
I said a green vest.
Where's your green vest? What is your name? Columbo.
Homicide.
Police.
Oh, you're the one who called.
Yes, sir.
Right over here.
All right, the rest of you start on your workbooks.
Lesson one, Shirley Temples.
Get it right.
Sorry about that, Lieutenant.
How can I help you? It's this photograph, sir.
One of my homicide victims.
He had some of your matches from that Buckets bar.
They were in his pocket.
Would you recognize this man at all, sir? Sure.
He was in last night.
First-timer.
But the matches don't match.
Excuse me? I didn't give him the matches.
The lady asked for matches.
She smoked.
The one he picked up.
This lady, would I be far wrong if I said she was a very attractive lady, all dressed in black, wearing a man's black hat? About like that.
I wasn't paying much attention, so I can't tell you much.
Me, I'm just a bartender.
I don't have what you might call a trained policeman's eye.
Well, you just tell me what little you know.
Well, the lady's another first-timer.
Professional working girl.
Called herself Lisa with no last name.
If you believe Lisa's her real name, you'll believe anything.
Anyway, Lisa with no last name knew the playbook.
Comes on bold and advertises herself.
Your guy walks in, she gives him the buzz.
Guy hits.
No wasted time.
In two seconds, they are very cozy, no strains, two bugs in a rug.
You know what I'm saying? He lays some cash on her, and out they go about 9:00, maybe 9:15, as happy as clams.
That is for you, pal.
That's some observation for a man who wasn't paying attention.
Taste that.
Tell me what you think.
Well, that's very generous, sir.
That's very refreshing.
That's my Shirley Temple.
An interesting Shirley Temple.
A touch of dryness, but a light, sweet bouquet.
Very nice.
You're a very good bartender, sir.
But I think you would make a terrific detective.
I love the work I got, Lieutenant.
So do I, sir.
Forgive me, Doctor, for dropping in on you like this, but I have some very interesting news, very stimulating.
May I? Please, Lieutenant, come in.
I'm anxious to hear anything you can tell me.
You certainly have a lovely home here.
Thank you.
Oh, I've seen some beautiful homes, what with the different murders and all, but not many like this.
And look at that.
A fire in the fireplace.
Well, it's a very chilly night, ma'am, and there's nothing like a fire.
What's a courtesan, Doctor? Excuse me? Isn't that the title of your book? The Courtesan Complex? Yes.
My wife read it, you know.
Uh-huh? Oh, yes.
She enjoyed it so much, she insisted I read it.
Did she beat you to its pages with a stick, Lieutenant? Well, I'm gonna tell you the truth, ma'am.
She was most anxious for me to read the sexual fantasy part.
I haven't yet.
A courtesan, ma'am, uh, that's a prostitute? Yes, it's a polite term for a successful prostitute.
Well, that's another coincidence, Dr.
Allenby, because what I came to tell you about is that we know a whole lot more about the lady in black now.
Perhaps we should sit down, Lieutenant.
Oh, no, ma'am, I'm enjoying the fire.
The lady in black, we have a first name for her now.
She calls herself Lisa.
I'm gonna see about that briefcase there.
Oh, you've kept this too close to the fire, ma'am.
This could have been scorched.
Thank you, Lieutenant.
Oh, you're welcome, ma'am.
Uh Now, this Lisa, she and Mr.
Kincaid got together last night at that bar, that Buckets place.
Now, this is a very bold thing to say, ma'am, but Lisa is one of those courtesans.
What the vice boys call a working girl.
You mean David hired a prostitute? That's the way it looks now.
And from your news about Lisa, I'd guessed it was something like that.
David picking up some working girl, a stranger in a bar.
Oh, I don't necessarily think they were strangers.
The picture I got, from the way she turned down another man before Mr.
Kincaid came to the bar, and then the way they just sat and talked, very quiet and all.
I had to ask myself if this Lisa, if she was there waiting for Mr.
Kincaid.
And if they already knew each other, then maybe she already had a reason to kill him.
Do you think that's possible? That's what I wanted to ask you.
Do you think that's possible, from all your research with these courtesans? I tell you, Lieutenant, after today, I don't know what's possible and what isn't.
I'll tell you, ma'am, that's about the way I feel.
This case, it's already got me crazy.
Every time I learn something new, I get a puzzle.
New problems.
When Mr.
Kincaid told you that he wasn't going to the party at the Music Center, what time was that, ma'am? I think Yes, it was yesterday when he picked me up at the airport.
So he had plenty of time to make another arrangement for that evening, like with this Lisa at that Buckets place.
That's reasonable, knowing what we know now.
So what was the lady in black doing at the Music Center? It could have been for the music.
Even courtesans can love music, Lieutenant.
For the music.
That's what I told myself.
But when the concert started, Lisa was already at Buckets, so it couldn't have been for the music.
So what was she doing there? I'd like to try to help you, Lieutenant.
I'm very tired.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I've kept you too long.
Thank you for the nice fire, and I'll just see myself out.
With my briefcase? Oh.
Oh, look at that, ma'am.
Well, it certainly is a beauty.
Good night, ma'am.
Good night, Lieutenant.
Thank you for keeping me informed.
Dr.
Allenby.
Did I tell you that we found Mr.
Kincaid's keys? No, you didn't.
Sergeant Burke, he found Mr.
Kincaid's car near Buckets.
It was parked in some valet parking place.
I see.
So the lady in black, she couldn't have taken the keys from the murder scene.
The keys were never there.
The keys were at the valet parker.
So that still leaves that other problem, ma'am.
How did Mr.
Kincaid unlock the door to your clinic? You see how everything keeps dropping out on me? This case, boy.
I don't know what to tell you.
Try and sleep well.
Just one more thing, ma'am.
Just for my reports, just a detail.
I hope you'll understand.
Yes, I understand.
A detail for your report.
Yes, ma'am.
The night you flew to Chicago, the security guard's log book, it said you went back to the office that night.
My flight was fogged in, Lieutenant.
I didn't actually get out until the morning.
Oh, you want to know why I returned to the clinic.
Well, it's not me, ma'am, so much as my captain.
He's a regular stickler.
Well, as long as I had the time, I wanted to pick up a scientific paper.
It was something that a colleague asked me to look at.
So when you went back, that was just for a minute? Just for the paper.
Well, the detail I wanted to ask you.
The middle of the night, deserted streets The security guard, he said that you came in one cab and you left in another.
Why didn't you just ask the cab to wait? I did, Lieutenant, but the cab didn't wait, so I took another cab.
Well, that's it, then.
That explains it.
Good night, ma'am.
The cab left without being paid? I paid him, Lieutenant.
That's how I got him to wait.
But when I came out, he was gone.
He was gone.
Well, they're impatient, ma'am.
Good night again.
You better watch yourself, lady.
You can handle the lieutenant.
He's fired his best shots.
You should have burned Lisa's clothes.
We will.
Not yet.
Not yet.
Sergeant Burke! I need you, Sergeant.
Yes, Lieutenant? Oh, there you are.
You got the list? Yes, I have it here, Lieutenant.
The master guest list? Right here, sir.
I'll tell you what I want, Sergeant.
Excuse me? What I want you to do, Sergeant.
Yes, Lieutenant.
Get all the help you can.
Talk to that lady, Miss Hendrix.
I want to know anyone that ever had any contact with the lady in black.
Anyone that knew her, anyone that talked with her, anyone that ever had anything to do with the woman in black.
The master list, right? Right.
Right.
How you doing, fellas? All right, let's leave it at this.
Bill and Joanne have been trying too hard, and Lloyd and Cynthia gave up trying sex altogether, which is against the rules, possibly against the law.
So, let's all be very sensible and try to decide what exactly Dr.
Allenby, can I see you? Excuse me.
I'm afraid I'm busy, Lieutenant.
Right.
So we want to decide Would it be all right if I joined you, ma'am? Absolutely not.
I understand.
Enjoying the mirror, Lieutenant? It's a fantastic bed.
Fantastic.
Half the fun of sex is fantasy.
Oh, I know that, ma'am.
I've been reading your book.
Well, now, I'm proud of you, Lieutenant.
You wanted to see me? What it is, ma'am, it's the lady in black.
And it's very baffling, the way she keeps changing.
The gun dealer said Oh, did I tell you that we found the gun? No, no.
That must be important.
Found the gun, ma'am, in a mailbox down the block.
No fingerprints, but purchased on the day of the murder.
Now, that's important.
But I want you to read something important.
Um Oh, goodness.
That's a parking ticket.
Oh, that's not it.
Keep forgetting that.
Here Here we are, ma'am.
Uh "Gun dealer said she gave name, Lisa Prescott.
"Boys at vice never heard of Lisa Prescott.
" "Address, turned out no such" Here.
"Nervous.
" The gun dealer said she was very nervous.
Nervous? Nervous, ma'am.
Yes, well, I suppose that's a kind of a description.
Oh, we got descriptions, ma'am.
We've got plenty of descriptions.
The night security guard, he said that she was shy, and the bartender at Buckets, he said that she was bold and confident.
So what we're looking for, ma'am, is a shy, bold, nervous, confident lady in black.
I see your problem, Lieutenant, and I don't envy you.
Oh, and it gets worse, ma'am.
Do you remember the cigarette, the one with the lipstick? Yes.
There in the ashtray.
Yes, ma'am.
The lab boys, they ran a new test on the saliva from the cigarette.
Just from the saliva, they can tell you all about a person.
And from their report, whoever smoked that cigarette, she had a completely different blood type than the blood from these spots here.
But the blood spots, that's a whole different type blood than the victim's blood.
That means three people in the room.
Do you think there could have been two women with Mr.
Kincaid on the night of the murder? Two women, Lieutenant? I I don't know what to say.
And then we have to consider this.
Those two long black hairs that we found on the victim, very feminine, ma'am.
The lab boys think maybe an Asian woman.
And it turns out that the blood type from these two hairs, that's a whole new different type blood.
Would that mean there were three women with Mr.
Kincaid? You mean a sex orgy, Lieutenant? I suppose with a man like David, everything I'm learning about him, yes, I suppose that's completely possible.
Right.
But that brings us back again to that security guard.
He said only one woman came up here.
Do you think they could have come from other offices in the same building? No, ma'am, the security guard, he checked out everybody from the building.
I don't know what to think, Lieutenant.
You've got my head spinning.
Well, but when you get right down to it, ma'am, only one woman came in, and only one woman went out.
And whatever all this means, we have to look for the lady in black.
And when we find her, I promise you, you're gonna be the first to know.
Good day.
Oh, Lieutenant? Dr.
Ward.
Do you have a minute for me? Of course, sir.
We can talk in here.
I have something to confess.
Sex is my whole life, Lieutenant.
Oh, my goodness.
My life.
My therapy.
My work.
My frigid women, my prostitutes, my premature men.
It's a very full life, sir.
Odd sexual events.
What do you think of this? A red ribbon, sir? A red hair ribbon, Lieutenant.
Like Cindy Galt wears, Dr.
Allenby's assistant.
Is that an odd event, sir? It's a sexual event.
I found this the other morning in our bedroom therapy facility.
No patients had been scheduled, but the bed had been used.
See, that's the kind of behavior we've had around here.
And I put that down to David Kincaid's influence.
You do, sir? I didn't like David Kincaid, and I loathed his influence on Dr.
Allenby.
His cheap crusade to turn sex into something trivial and popular.
Yeah, right.
Popular sex, that's something We certainly gotta watch out for that.
You were saying something about a confession? Right.
I confess that I despised David, but I want you to know that I didn't have anything to do with his murder.
I'm glad you told me, sir, so I don't get you all confused with the lady in black.
This has been very interesting.
Oh, Lieutenant, one more thing.
Do you think this is the right time for me to advise Dr.
Allenby that she's well rid of David? You're asking me, sir? Well, you seem very wise.
Well, Dr.
Ward, if I were you, I'd try to do the right thing.
Yes.
Of course.
That's very good, Lieutenant.
Thank you.
I'll see you later.
Oh, Lieutenant Columbo? Dr.
Neff.
Do you have a minute? Anytime, sir.
Lieutenant, I know you've heard all the rumors running around this place.
I mean, about Dr.
Ward getting nowhere with his crush on Cindy Galt.
And Cindy ducking out for cocktails with David Kincaid.
And you must have heard about how I feel about Dr.
Allenby.
No, I don't seem to have that here.
I've been crazy about her ever since I joined the clinic.
And I was deeply jealous of David, but I had nothing whatsoever to do with his murder.
I want you to know that.
Right.
No connection with the murder.
Lieutenant, with all your experience out there in the world and in view of what's happened, how long would you advise me to wait before telling Joan I'm in love with her? If I were you, sir, I would wait until the lady's ready and not a moment longer.
Of course.
I should have been able to figure that out for myself.
Thank you, Lieutenant.
Oh, Lieutenant, do you have a moment for me? Even though I am going back for my master's in psychiatric social work, I love working for Dr.
Allenby.
And David Kincaid, he was, like, coming on to me.
I mean, in a very nice way.
I mean, he was always a perfect gentleman, and, of course, I would never, never do anything to hurt Joan.
So, there's my problem.
You'll have to clarify that for me, ma'am.
Well, after what happened, if I'm going to be loyal to Joan, should I ever tell her about David's crush on me? In my opinion, and not speaking strictly as a detective, sometimes kindness is wiser than truth.
Of course.
I think I know exactly what you mean.
I knew I could talk to you.
Thank you, Lieutenant.
Got a minute, Lieutenant? We did it.
Now, just one second, sir, hold the phone.
Let me get this straight.
The lady in black, she went in there.
She went in that door right there.
She went in, and she never came out.
And you waited.
Until I asked the attendant to go see if she was in there.
And she wasn't there.
Nobody was there.
Who came out? How do I know, Lieutenant? Ladies went in, ladies came out.
Just ordinary ladies? Ordinary ladies.
Ordinary ladies.
Did any of these ladies have a suitcase, a package? Were they carrying a bag, something like that? I don't know, Lieutenant.
I wasn't looking for bags or packages.
I was waiting for this very exotic brunette.
Miss Hendrix, please, ma'am.
Yes, Lieutenant.
Thank you very much, Mr.
Lenz.
Just check with Sergeant Burke.
Keep him informed as to your whereabouts.
Ma'am, I'm gonna have to go in there.
Would you guard the door, ma'am? The ladies' room? But it's almost intermission, Lieutenant.
Just one minute, ma'am.
One minute.
Oh, but Well, I Oh Oh, dear.
Lieutenant! What was he doing in there? I'm sorry, ma'am.
I'm sorry.
You ought to be ashamed.
I'm very sorry.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
You have a lot of nerve! No.
I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, forgive me.
Sir? Excuse me, ma'am, trash? Where do you dump the trash? No, no, no, police, ma'am, police, police.
See? Hey, police.
See, police! Trash Trash Where? See, where do you dump the trash? No, no, no, no, no! No, the trash! Where do you put the trash? No, no, no, no! Trash! Where's the trash? No, no, no, no, no, ma'am.
No cleaning.
No, no, no.
No cleaning.
See, empty.
No, the trash.
The big trash.
No, no.
The trash, ma'am.
See? Trash.
Trash! See, nyet, nyet, nyet.
Drop off, pick up, and Grande No, no, no, no, ma'am, no.
Grande, grande, trash grande.
That's it! I found it! You're a very nice lady.
Do svidaniya, police boy.
Hello.
Who are you? Well, here you are, Dr.
Allenby.
I took the liberty of inviting Mr.
Lenz to your home.
Your housekeeper was kind enough to let us in.
Mr.
Lenz, this is the remarkable lady I was telling you about.
Yes, thank you very much for having us, Dr.
Allenby.
Mr.
Lenz, he would like to sit down and talk with you, ma'am, if you don't mind.
My pleasure.
Come along, gentlemen.
Can you give me a hint about all this, Lieutenant? Well, I'm back in trouble, ma'am.
This Lisa, this lady in black.
I got 56 vice boys out in the street.
They're looking, they're pumping.
I got another eight doing nothing but sifting files.
We're chasing courtesans up and down the scale.
Please make yourselves comfortable.
You know what I got out of all this? I got depressed.
It's not just nobody knows anything, nobody even suspects anything.
Now I run into Mr.
Lenz here.
He tells me his story.
I don't what to make of it.
I got all turned around.
I want you to listen to this man's story.
Mr.
Lenz? Well, I went to the Music Center the other night Could I bring you something to drink? Sure.
Could you manage some sparkling mineral water? I think so.
Same for you, Lieutenant? Oh, no, thank you, ma'am.
I'll just have some seltzer.
I think I can manage that, too.
Mr.
Lenz, please, tell me your story.
Well, I can only tell you what I told Lieutenant Columbo.
Oh, that'll be fine, sir.
Well, I met her, you know, this lady in black with the man's hat.
It was at the Music Center affair.
I understand you were there.
I was.
Ice? Please.
Well, I saw her, and I have this obligation.
Whenever I see an attractive lady, I feel like it's my duty to meet her.
So I tried.
No encouragement.
So I followed her.
Where? To the ladies' room.
To the ladies' room? Turned out to be the waiting room.
I mean, she went inside, and I waited outside.
You're a romantic, Mr.
Lenz.
Yes, I am.
Excellent diagnosis, Doctor.
Anyway, I waited, and she never came out.
Tell her about the attendant.
At the end of the evening, I asked the attendant to go inside and check it out for me, and there was nobody there.
Nobody.
The lady vanishes.
Into thin air? No air at all.
She's just gone.
Now, what do you think about a thing like that, ma'am? Were you drinking, Mr.
Lenz? Not a drop.
Just champagne.
And the lady never came out.
You see what we got here now, ma'am? We were talking one lady, two ladies, three ladies.
Now I got a half a lady, the half that went in.
The other half, I don't know.
Thanks again, Dr.
Allenby.
I'll wait for you, Lieutenant.
Goodbye, Mr.
Lenz.
Your story was very amusing.
But I just can't take it seriously, Lieutenant.
Well, that's what we got, ma'am.
A good detective, even a medium detective, he can find somebody who was there and bring you an answer.
But somebody who wasn't there? How can I deal with that? I can't imagine, Lieutenant.
This Lisa, people tell stories, but there's no trace she ever existed.
Maybe we got this wrong, the way we're looking at it.
Looking at it all wrong.
Well, I'm working, ma'am.
I'm still out there.
I appreciate everything you're doing, Lieutenant.
You'll see me again, ma'am.
I'm sure I will.
Drinks are on Lisa! Lisa buys the drinks! Take care of my new friends.
And this is for you.
For what? Just a phone call.
To a man named Columbo.
This is the number, this is the message.
"Sorry about what happened," signed, "Lisa.
" And that's it? Do you think you can do that for me? All right, here you go.
Thanks.
Dr.
Allenby.
Good evening, Dr.
Allenby.
It's Sergeant Burke.
Lieutenant Columbo asked me to tell you he has very good news.
He's found the lady in black.
Dr.
Allenby? Where did you find her? He said it was right in your own office files, ma'am.
Your research files.
The Lieutenant said he wants you to know that.
Good night, Dr.
Allenby.
Over here, ma'am.
I'm sorry, Doctor.
I didn't mean to frighten you like that.
I thought I heard voices.
I Oh, that'd be me, ma'am.
I was talking on the phone with Sergeant Burke.
He was supposed to ask you to join me here, and he forgot to say that.
But I'm glad you came anyway.
Why did you come here, ma'am? Certainly not to be frightened out of my wits, Lieutenant.
Sergeant Burke called and told me that you'd found Lisa in one of my files.
I came to see for myself.
Well.
There he goes again, ma'am.
Sergeant Burke, he's a very fine young detective, but we all make mistakes from time to time.
What I asked him to tell you, it was as if she had been in your own files all the time.
No, no, I certainly couldn't find her here, Doctor.
Not even in "odd sexual events.
" How did you find her? Oh, for that, ma'am, we have to go to the therapy room.
To the therapy room, ma'am.
This Lisa, this lady in black, I've been getting some very strange messages from her, ma'am.
Messages? She's sorry she did what she did.
She had to do what she did, and now she's leaving town.
But she hasn't left town yet.
And I think she's been trying to fool us about a lot of things.
For instance, this ashtray.
Would you look at this ashtray? To a detective, this is a fascinating ashtray.
I mean, what's in it.
That's exactly what we found the morning after the murder.
I put everything back just the way it was.
She was a smoker, ma'am.
The bartender said she was a smoker.
And you see that? You see that burned match? Yes, I can see the match, Lieutenant.
And the cigarette stub, and only a few ashes? Do you see how puzzling that is? No.
I see a burned match and half a cigarette.
And a few ashes.
And a few ashes.
But not enough to account for a whole cigarette, ma'am.
A whole cigarette, ma'am, that produces this amount of ash.
You know what that weighs? I weighed that, ma'am.
That's 500 milligrams.
And the ashes in the tray, that's 48 milligrams.
All right, make it 50.
We're still missing That's very scientific, Lieutenant.
But she might have smoked the cigarette someplace else.
But here's the match, ma'am.
Like she lit and smoked it right here in this room.
And there's no ashes on the table, and there's no ashes under the table, and there's not enough ashes in the ashtray.
You'll forgive me, Lieutenant, if I'm not quite as fascinated by this as you are.
Well, ma'am, even ashes, they don't just fly away and vanish.
The hair and fiber boys, I had them vacuum this whole room.
No cigarette ashes.
And what do you detect, Lieutenant, from the infamous missing ashes? Oh, yes, you said that Lisa was trying to fool us.
Like she was setting a scene, ma'am, yes.
Like this whole room, like it was some kind of a stage, making us think she was something she isn't.
Is that a possibility? Lieutenant, you still haven't told me how you found her.
Well, I've only received messages from her, ma'am.
I haven't seen her yet.
With your permission, Doctor.
And now we have to consider the victim's keys.
His missing keys.
No matter how you look at it, it always comes out the same.
If Mr.
Kincaid didn't have the key to open the door, then the lady in black, she must have been the one with the key.
So now we have to face that as a fact.
And I know you're thinking the same thing I am.
Lisa, she had to be someone connected with your own clinic.
That's totally ludicrous, Lieutenant.
Unless Lisa could have been the cleaning lady.
Do you think that's a possibility? I doubt it, ma'am.
Is that your phone? That could be important.
I'll see.
Ma'am, the lady in black, she might be coming here tonight.
Did I tell you she might be coming here? No.
The phone.
That may be her.
Hello? Dr.
Allenby? Yes.
This is Sergeant Burke.
I wonder if I could talk to the lieutenant.
It's Sergeant Burke.
Thank you.
Yes, Sergeant? Right.
Thank you, Sergeant.
Well, ma'am, they think she's somewhere in the building.
Doctor, are you familiar with a Chicago department store named Neufeld's? Yes.
Why do you ask? Because I happen to know that's where you bought that camel's hair coat you're wearing.
Well, if you knew that, why did you ask if I was familiar with the store? To see if you'd tell me the truth, ma'am.
Are you aware, Lieutenant, how insulting that is? I am, ma'am, and I regret having to say it.
But now we both have to consider this.
Would you take a look at that, ma'am? I would say that's the tag off your new coat, the one you bought in Chicago.
And that first day, ma'am, riding up in the elevator, I thought you looked very nice.
And that tag, that was dangling from the hem of your coat.
I wasn't aware of the tag.
No, ma'am, and I thought that was very endearing.
The department store people, they told me you charged that coat to your credit card.
I did, as a matter of fact.
Is that significant? Well, it brings us to another question, ma'am.
Would you grant me that sometimes a person would prefer to pay cash, rather than charge something and have a written record of this purchase? Would you grant me that, ma'am? I suppose that, uh, there could be reasons.
That's a fax copy of the check you gave, ma'am, in your Chicago hotel.
$1,500, payable to cash.
You seem to have been very attentive to my affairs.
What did you do with the money, ma'am? I think I've had about enough of your questions, Lieutenant.
How I spend my money is none of your business.
I'll leave you to find the woman in black.
You seem to have lost her.
Was that the elevator, ma'am? Not yet.
If you don't mind, ma'am, one more thing before you go.
The therapy room.
I think she may already be here, ma'am.
In there.
Do you think she's already been here? Well, maybe you saw her yourself, or somebody very much like her out in the foyer? One of our policewomen, ma'am.
Only you didn't say a word about that to me, because you knew Lisa, she couldn't be out there, because she's been here with me all along.
Would you agree with me about that, Dr.
Allenby? You seem to have gone to a great deal of trouble, Lieutenant.
I think I can say the same thing about you, ma'am.
That's her hat, bought with cash, and her wig.
The wig saleslady from the Chicago store, she said you already had the hat when you tried on the wig.
Did I mention that she recognized your photo from the picture we sent her from your book? No.
No, that must have slipped your mind.
The saleslady in women's suits, she only sold two black suits that day, and only one in the size of the lady who bought the wig.
They sent us all these things, Doctor.
Like the things you hid in the Music Center to play your courtesan game with Mr.
Kincaid.
Was that because of Cindy Galt, ma'am? You're very intuitive, Lieutenant.
You would have made a splendid therapist.
There's a lovely fire here, ma'am.
Why don't we share the fire? I think the night you came back from the airport, you found Mr.
Kincaid right here in this room, making love to Cindy Galt.
Is that why you killed him? That night, the two of them in bed together, I heard him laughing at me.
I was his joke.
That must have been very hard, ma'am.
There isn't a woman in the world, Lieutenant, who wouldn't have fantasized, in my circumstances, about doing what I did.
Make him pay for the anguish and the humiliation and all the loneliness to come.
But I went beyond the fantasy, and I wasn't even frightened.
Do you want to hear, Lieutenant, what did frighten me? If you'd like to tell me, ma'am.
Becoming somebody else.
Becoming Lisa.
After all my research, all my books, I hadn't truly understood what it was to sink into a fantasy.
Being someone stronger, more desirable, more willful and exciting.
Someone that David would never have dared betray.
For those few days, I liked Lisa better than I liked myself.
That frightened me far more than your waiting to arrest me.
Now that I've confessed all this, I want to know.
Do you think less of me? I'm only a policeman.
Judging people, that's all up to somebody else.
But I can tell you, I've enjoyed our talks very much, and I think I do understand.
Ma'am.