Doctor Who s08e03 Episode Script
Robot of Sherwood
Take a punt! Right.
Your choice.
Wherever, whenever, anywhere in time and space.
Well there is something, someone that I've always wanted to meet.
But I know what you'll say.
Try me.
You'll say he's made up, that there is no such thing.
Go on.
It's It's Robin Hood.
Robin Hood.
Yeah! I love that story.
I've always loved it, ever since I was little.
Robin Hood, the heroic outlaw, who robs from the rich and gives to the poor? Yeah! He's made up.
There's no such thing.
Ah, you see! Old-fashioned heroes only exist in old-fashioned story books, Clara.
And what about you? Me? Yeah, you.
You stop bad things happening every minute of every day, that sounds pretty heroic to me.
Just passing the time.
Hey, what about Mars? What?! The Ice Warrior Hives! You said it was my choice.
Or the Tumescent Arrows of the Half-Light! Those girls can hold their drink! Doctor And fracture 15 different levels of reality simultaneously.
I think I've got a Polaroid somewhere.
Doctor! My choice.
Robin Hood.
Show me! Very well.
Earth.
England.
Sherwood Forest.
But you'll only be disappointed.
No damsels in distress, no pretty castles, no such thing as Robin Hood! You called? Very, very nicely done with the box, sir.
I saw a Turk perform something very similar at Nottingham Fayre.
It's a trick with mirrors, no doubt? A trick? A good jest.
This is not a trick, this is a TARDIS.
Whatever it is, you bony rascal, I'm afraid I must relieve you of it.
It's my property, that's what it is! Well, don't you know all property is theft to Robin Hood? You're not serious.
I'm many things, sir, but I'm never that.
Robin Hood laughs in the face of all.
And do people ever punch you in the face when you do that? Not as yet.
Lucky I'm here then, isn't it? Might be a little bit much, but what do you reckon, Doctor? By all the saints! Are there any more in there? Is that? No.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It is, isn't it? You found him.
You actually found Robin Hood.
That is not Robin Hood! Well, then who, sir, is about to relieve you of your magic box? Nobody, sir.
Not in this universe or the next.
Well, then draw your sword and prove your words.
I have no sword.
I don't need a sword.
Because I am the Doctor.
And this is my spoon! En garde! Ow! You're amazing! I've had some experience.
Richard the Lionheart! Cyrano de Bergerac! Errol Flynn! He had the most enormous .
.
ego! Takes one to know one.
Oh you! Doctor! Like I said my box.
Doctor? In the name of all that's holy, take our money, take our treasure, but spare my ward! Do not fuss, all will be well.
This is the Sheriff's doing! If he were here now, I'd tear out his black heart! Would you now? Or are you as milk-livered as your name suggests, Master Quayle? Take me! Spare this dear child! Take you?! A lardy lack-wit like you? It's labour we require up at the castle! Labour and gold, not old men and their worthless baubles.
This will be a great help, Master Quayle, believe me.
Newcomer to Sherwood, are we? Yes, my Lord.
You may also prove useful.
Bring her.
Your days are numbered, you cur! You shall live to regret that.
Actually, no .
.
you won't.
Ohh! No! No! Let me introduce you to my men.
This is Will Scarlet.
He is a cheeky rogue with a good sword arm and a slippery tongue.
My lady.
Argh! What do you want with my hair? Well, it's realistic, I'll give you that.
And this is Friar Tuck.
Aptly named for the amount of grub he tucks into! You skinny blackguard! What are you doing? This isn't a real sandal! Yes, it is.
Oh, yes, it is.
This is Alan-a-Dale.
He's a master of the lute, whose music brightens up these dark days.
# Stranger you are welcome here In Sherwood's bonny glade Ow! Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Blood analysis.
Oh! All those diseases! If you were real, you'd be dead in six months.
I am real.
Bye.
And this is John Little.
Called Little John.
He's my loyal companion in many an adventure.
Oh! Works every time! Oh, I cannot believe this! You really are Robin Hood and his Merry Men! Aye! That is an apt description.
- What say you, lads? - Aye! Stop laughing! Why are you always doing that? Are you all simple or something? I'm going to need a sample.
Of what? Excuse me.
Sorry.
What are you doing? Well, they're not holograms, that much is obvious.
Could be a theme park from the future.
Or we might be inside a miniscope.
Oh, shut up! A miniscope! Yes, of course! Why not? Your friend seems not quite of the real world.
No.
No, he's not really, not most of the time.
Hmm.
Dark days? My lady? You said that these were dark days, what did you mean? King Richard is away on crusade, my lady.
His tyrant of a brother rules instead.
And the Sheriff? Cos there is a sheriff, right? Aye.
It is indeed this jackal of the princes who seeks to oppress us for ever more.
Or six months in your case.
It is a shame to dwell on murky thoughts .
.
when there is such beauty here.
Hmm.
Why are you so sad? Why do you think me sad? Because the Doctor's right, you laugh too much.
You know, I do not live this outlaw life by choice.
You see before you Robert Earl of Loxley.
Yes.
Yes.
Sorry, do go on.
I erm I had my lands and titles stripped from me.
I dared to speak out against Prince John.
But I lost the thing most dear to me.
What was she called? You're so very quick! How does the Doctor stand it? Marian? You know her? Yes.
I have always known her.
It was Marian who told me that I must stand up and be counted.
But I was afraid.
Now this green canopy is my palace and the rough ground my feather bed.
Maybe one day I will return home, but until that day until that day it is beholden on me to be the man Marian wanted, to be a hero for those this tyrant sheriff slaughters.
What time is it, Mr Hood? Somewhat after noon.
No, no.
Time of year? What season? Oh, Dame Autumn has draped her mellow skirts about the forest, Doctor.
The time of mists and harvest approaches.
Yeah all very poetic.
But it's very green hereabouts, isn't it? Like I said, very sunny.
So? Have you been to Nottingham? Climate change? It's 1190.
You must excuse me.
The Sheriff has issued a proclamation and tomorrow there is to be a contest to find the best archer in the land.
And the bounty it's an arrow made of pure gold.
No! Don't go! It's a trap.
Well, of course it is! But a contest to find the best archer in the land? There is no contest.
Right, that isn't even funny.
That was bantering.
I am totally against bantering.
How can you be so sure he's not the real thing? Because he can't be.
When did you stop believing in everything? When did you start believing in impossible heroes? Don't you know? In a way, it's rather sweet.
In the contest for the golden arrow, after ten rounds, the battle is betwixt our Lord Sheriff .
.
and the stranger known as Tom the Tinker! Perhaps not such a stranger, after all.
Take your places! Shall we make the contest a little more interesting, my Lord? The targets seem a little close.
What say you? Another 20 paces? Why not? Now, Tinker.
Let us see thy true face.
Ye Gads! He has split the arrow! Truly, he is the finest archer in all England! Come forward, Tinker.
And claim your prize.
He's full of surprises, isn't he? I am the Doctor.
My skills as a bowman speak for themselves.
I claim my reward.
A mere bauble.
I want something else.
Name it.
Enlightenment.
This is getting silly.
Fascinating.
Seize him! What are you doing? Put that down! I'm fine! I take Year Seven for after school tae kwon do.
Don't worry, Doctor! I'll save you! I don't need saving! Your honour is safe! I know! For I am Robin! Robin Hood! Robot! Now we're getting somewhere! Take them! Kill the rest! Kill them all! He surrenders! What? Hai! You miserable cur! I had them on the run! Flee, lads, flee! Live to fight another day! Come on! To the dungeons with all of them! What are you up to? Quickest way to find out anybody's plans - get yourself captured! Here let me help you.
Thank you Lady.
What are you? Gargoyle, what are you? Leave it.
He only needs to rest.
We all need to rest.
Analysis shows that peasant creature is spent.
No, please.
Usefulness expired.
No.
No! No! Damn you! Damn you and that villain the Sheriff! Splendid! Enchained! Yup.
Trussed up like turkey-cocks! Thanks to your friend.
Shut it, Hoodie.
I saved your life.
I had the situation well in hand.
Long-haired ninny versus robot killer knights, I know where I'd put my money.
If you had not betrayed me, I would have been triumphant! You would have been a little puff of smoke and ashes! Ha! You'd have been floating around in tiny little laughing bits in people's goblets.
Balderdash! Ha! Oh, right, here we go, it's laughing time! Well, you amuse me, grey old man! Guard! He's laughing again! You can't keep me locked up with a laughing person.
Oh, I find that quite funny.
Do you know, I feel another laugh coming on.
Ha-ha-ha! Guards, I cannot remain in this cell! Execute me now! You heard him - execute the old fool! No, hang on, execute him! I do not fear death, so execute away! Execute him! I'd like to see if his head keeps laughing when you chop it off! Oh, Robin Hood always laughs in the face of death.
Yes, rolling around the floor laughing, I'd pay good money to see that! Guard! Guard! Guard! Guard! Guard! Guard! Oh, you two, SHUT UP! Do either of you understand in any way at all .
.
that there isn't actually a guard out there? Oh.
I did, in fact.
No, you didn't.
I said, shut up.
The Doctor and Robin Hood locked up in a cellar.
Is this seriously the best you can do.
You're determined to starve to death in here squabbling.
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
I'd last a lot longer than this desiccated man-crone.
Really? Really.
Well, you know what? I think you'll find I have a certain genetic advantage.
Oh! It is not a competition about who can die slower.
It would definitely be me, though, wouldn't it? There was supposed to be a plan.
Do either of you have a plan? Yeah, of course I have a plan.
I too have a plan.
OK, Robin, you first.
Why him? Doctor, shut up.
Robin, your plan.
I am .
.
biding my time.
Thank you, Prince of Thieves.
Last of the Time Lords? Yes, I have a plan.
Can you explain your plan without using the word sonic screwdriver? Because you might have forgotten the Sheriff of Nottingham has taken your sonic screwdriver, just saying.
It's always the screwdriver.
OK, l-l-let's hear Robin's plan first.
Oh, for God's sake! See? There was a guard.
There was guard listening the whole time, I knew it.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! The Sheriff himself commanded me to listen, to find out which of you is the true ringleader.
Ah, so he can do the interrogating.
Very wise.
Excellent.
He will get nothing from me! No, no, no, he will get nothing from me, because interrogation, that's where I always turn the tables.
You see, that's my plan.
Just hurry up and take me to him.
No, no, chop-chop, come on! Seriously? Come on.
No.
What are you doing? Don't be ridiculous! 'Tis a thing of beauty indeed.
And will feed a family for a twelvemonth when melted down! Tonight we rest.
Tomorrow we must draw up plans to rescue Robin.
We shall soon see how those Mechanicals feel about the taste of Nottingham steel! Lord, forgive me.
Strange, though, is it not? What? All this looting that the Sheriff is doing.
And yet 'tis only ever gold that he takes.
Pearls, rubies, all the precious jewels of the realm seem no consequence to him.
Only gold.
# Poor Robin and the stranger lay # In the dungeon all the live-long day # The Merry Men might pine away Upon a Sherwood morning.
Eat, my Lady, eat.
Let it not be said that the Sheriff of Nottingham is a poor host.
I had a bag of crisps this morning, thanks.
Your words are strange, fair one.
Hm, I should think they are.
But I like you.
You are refreshingly .
.
direct.
You can take the girl out of Blackpool Taken from your friend's strange tunic.
An intriguing gallimaufry.
Including this wand.
Evidently a thing of awesome power.
Tell me .
.
are you from beyond the stars? You're the one with the robot army, you tell me.
I'm sorry? No.
Beat your breast, moan, groan as though 20 devils possessed your guts.
What for? So as to attract the attention of that guard.
It's your plan - you moan.
No, no, no, it won't work.
Why? Oh, because you're clearly more advanced in years and you have a sickly aspect to you.
I have a what? You're as pale as milk.
It's the way with Scots, they're strangers to vegetables.
I'm not moaning.
You moan! Fine.
If you want something doing Can I rely upon you to do the rest? Yes, yes, I know the drill.
What is this din? No business of yours, cur! Speak up! I can't hear you.
What ails him? None of your business.
I said, what ails him? Well, if you must know, he's having a nervous breakdown.
A what? He's like this whenever he's in any kind of danger.
He just can't seem to cope, he gets so afraid.
He goes into a kind of fit.
I honestly believe that he may die of sheer fright, like some tiny, shivering little mouse.
Oh, God, I think he's soiled himself.
Let him die.
It will save us the trouble of executing him.
And what will happen to the reward? Reward? Oh, God, I shouldn't have said that! Tell me! He carries a vital message.
The Prince has promised a bounty! A big one? An enormous one! What's that? Say again? Your breath stinks like a serpent, has anyone ever told you that? Soiled myself? Did you? That's getting into character! OK, keys! I'll get them.
No, I'll get them.
I'll get them I'll get them.
I'm fine, no, no worries! I've got them! I've got them! I'll get Well, there is a bright side.
Which is? Clara didn't see that.
But enough of tawdry matters.
Let us talk of softer sweeter things.
Ah! Good, yes, I was hoping we'd get round to that.
You were? Mmm.
For I have known I was destined to draw the eye of a great and powerful man for a long time, ever since I saw those mysterious lights in the sky.
You saw them too? And those strange mechanical men, with their promises.
I too have experienced this.
Really? Well, I would never have guessed.
Tell me your story.
Tell me yours.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
But you have to go first.
Why so? Because great men always precede.
You have a point.
Your story, then.
Once upon a time, there was a brave and clever and handsome man I can almost picture him.
I don't even have to close my eyes.
.
.
unappreciated by his royal master.
Prince John? The very same.
Then came the lights in the sky, and everything changed.
The skyship came to Earth in a fury of fire! I'd almost call it a crash.
I remember it well.
A craft from the heavenly spheres, bedight with twinkling lights and miracles beyond imagining! The most beautiful thing the brave and handsome man had ever seen.
And I suppose the mechanical men saw you as their natural leader? It was I and I alone to whom the mechanical men then imparted their secrets.
Shortly, I shall be the most powerful man in the realm.
King in all but name, for Nottingham is not enough.
It isn't? After this Derby! Right.
Then .
.
Lincoln.
And after Lincoln Worksop? The world! Now what? First, a blacksmith's forge.
So as to remove our chains? No.
So I can knock up an ornamental plant stand.
Of course it's so we can get rid of our chains! I don't want to be manacled to you all night.
Oh, no, please, don't do that! "Ornamental plant stand.
" It's not even that funny! You're an amusing fellow, Doctor! Oh, don't! Can you just stop? You'll give yourself a hernia! So what are you hanging around here for, then, Your Majesty? Why are you bothering to squeeze the pips out of the peasants if you've got a skyship on stand-by? Enough questions.
I'm impatient to hear your story.
Oh, but I do not have one.
I was lying.
Lying? Yeah.
People are so much better at sharing information if they think the other person has already got it.
Oh, that's very clever.
Thank you.
You'll do very well.
For what? Doesn't every king require a consort? Right, you do that again and you'll regret that! At last - something real, no more fairy tales.
What is this place? A spaceship.
More 29th century than 12th! Data banks, data banks, data banks! Where was this ship headed? The Promised Land again.
Like the Half-Faced Man, but more sophisticated.
It disguised itself as a 12th-century castle, emerges into the culture, tries to keep a low profile, so no-one notices.
That explains the robot knights.
But the engines The engines are damaged.
They're leaking radiation into the local atmosphere, creating a temporary climate of staggering benevolence.
Beg pardon? Told you.
It's too sunny.
It's too green.
And there is even an evil sheriff to oppress the locals.
This explains everything, even you.
It does? Well, what does every oppressed peasant workforce need? The illusion of hope.
Some silly story to get them through the day, lull them into docility and keep them working.
Ship's data banks.
Full of every myth and legend you could hope for, including .
.
Robin Hood.
Isn't it time you came clean with me? You're not real and you know it! Look at you, perfect eyes, perfect teeth.
Nobody has a jawline like that! You're as much a part of what is happening here as the Sheriff and his metal knights! You're a robot! You dare to accuse me of collusion with that villain, the Sheriff? I dare! You false-tongued knave! I should have skewered you when I had the chance! I would like to see you try! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Surrender, outlaw! Very good.
Kill him.
Kill Robin Hood! You can drop all that stuff now, Sheriff.
Doctor? He is not what you think he is, this is all play-acting.
We can't just let them kill him! You're not fooling anyone, Sheriff.
What the hell are you doing? Surviving.
No! No! Clara! Yeah, sorry about the girl, such a pretty thing.
What a queen she would've made.
Stop pretending.
You and your fancy robots.
I get it, I understand.
Oh, so you too know my plans? You and your robots plundering the surrounding countryside for all it's worth Gold.
Gold! Of course! Gold! You are creating a matrix of gold to repair the engine circuitry! This is the scheme the Mechanicals have devised.
Soon this skyship will depart.
Destination London.
There I will obliterate the King and take my rightful place as ruler of this sceptered isle! It won't work.
There's not a chance.
I've seen the instruments.
There's been too much damage.
You are stoking up a gigantic bomb! Er 'Engine capacity at 48%.
' 'Engine capacity at 48%.
' It's not enough.
That's not enough.
It'll never make orbit.
That's the engines building in power.
Stupid, stupid Sheriff! Agh! Go on, give! Give, you stupid things! What are you looking at? Hi.
The time for games is over.
I think I understand you.
The Sheriff's using the gold to replace something? That's the principle.
But he's a moron.
If he tries to fly his ship, it'll explode and wipe out half the country.
What we need is a little riot.
Time to reflect on lasers and gold.
Spread the word.
You will tell me everything this Doctor knows about Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
What is this? Why are you interrogating me? And then, you will tell me exactly who this Doctor is and what are his plans.
You are fit for labour.
Stand aside while this peasant unit is freed.
I'm afraid you're a little late.
Explain.
I'm already free! Mine! Mine.
Mine.
Engine capacity at 75%.
'Sblood! Who will rid me of this turbulent Doctor?! Come.
Everyone, the last one! Out, out! Everyone, quickly, get out! Quickly! You've saved us all, clever one.
Thank you.
Engine capacity at 82%.
You are indeed an ingenious fellow, Doctor.
But do you really think your peasants' revolt can stop me? I rather think you're the revolting one around here.
Banter! I'm bantering! Listen to me! You don't have enough gold content to seal the engine breach.
If you try and take off, you'll wipe out half of England.
Liar! From my sky vessel, I shall rule omnipotent.
You pudding-headed primitive, shut down the engines.
What you're doing will alter the course of history.
I sincerely hope so.
Or I wouldn't be bothering.
Listen to me! It doesn't have to end like this.
Shut it all down, return Clara to me and I'll do what I can.
I don't have Clara.
Robin's one of yours! What did you say? He's one of your tin-headed puppets, just like these brutes here.
Robin Hood is not one of mine.
Of course he is.
He's a robot, created by your mechanical mates.
Why would they do that? To pacify the locals, give them false hope.
He's the opiate of the masses.
Why would we create an enemy to fight us? What sense would that make? That would be a terrible idea.
Yes! Yes, it would! Wouldn't it? Yes, that would be a rubbish idea.
Why would you do that? But he can't be He's not real.
He's a legend! Too kind! And this legend does not come alone! Hiya! You all right? Hell, yeah.
Good! My men have taken the castle.
No! Now I'm going to take you.
This one's all mine! What do you say, outlaw? A final reckoning? Oh, yes.
Are you OK? Fine, yeah.
Good.
We don't have long.
RUMBLING I shall avenge every slight, outlaw! Doctor I know.
The whole castle's about to blow.
You have long been a thorn in my side.
Well, everyone should have a hobby.
Mine's annoying you.
I'll have you boiled in oil at the castle by sunset.
Can we make it a little earlier? Cos that's a little past my bedtime! I'm too much for you, outlaw! The first of a new breed.
Half man, half engine! Never ageing Never tiring Are you still talking? Bow down before your new king, you prince of knaves! Aaaaargh! Sorry.
Was that, er, was that showing off? That was amazing! Run! Come on, run! It's never going to make it.
Not enough gold.
It'll never make it into orbit.
Where is it? Where did it go? Where did what go? The golden arrow! Tuck! You took it? Of course we did.
We're robbers.
I love you boys! Doctor, what are you suggesting? Golden arrow.
It might just be enough gold content to get the ship into orbit and out of harm's way.
It has to be you.
My arm is injured.
You're good at this! I saw you! You won the tournament! I cheated.
I made a special arrow with a homing device.
Oh, brilliant! Right, let me have a go.
You? You do tae kwon do! That's not the same thing as this! My friends.
Surely we can manage it together? Engine capacity at 83%.
Insufficient power to achieve escape velocity.
Maximum power surge.
Engines critical.
Engines critical.
Engines crit # One awful day in Nottingham # Brave Robin Hood was in a jam The arrow flew it true Give it a rest, Alan.
Give me my lute! Still not keen on the laughing thing? No, no, no, no.
Woo-hoo! I'm going to miss you.
You're very naughty.
I know.
Whoever he is .
.
he is a very lucky man.
Marian is very lucky, too.
I fear not.
Don't give up.
Not ever, not for one single day.
Be safe, if you can be.
But always be amazing.
Hmm! Goodbye, Robin Hood.
Goodbye, Clara Oswald.
So, is it true, Doctor? Is what true? That in the future I am forgotten as a real man? I am but a legend? I'm afraid it is.
Good.
History is a burden.
Stories can make us fly.
I'm still having a little trouble believing yours, I'm afraid.
Is it so hard to credit? That a man born into wealth and privilege should find the plight of the oppressed and weak too much to bear No .
.
until one night, he is moved to steal a TARDIS? Fly among the stars, fighting the good fight.
Clara told me your stories.
She should not have told you any of that.
Well Well, once the story started, she could hardly stop herself.
You are her hero, I think.
I'm not a hero.
Well, neither am I.
But if we both keep pretending to be Ha-ha! .
.
perhaps others will be heroes in our name.
Perhaps we will both be stories.
And may those stories never end.
Goodbye, Doctor, Time Lord of Gallifrey.
Goodbye, Robin Hood, Earl of Loxley.
And remember, Doctor I'm just as real as you are.
Admit it.
You like him.
Well, I'm leaving him a present, aren't I? Robin? I've found you at last.
Marian? Thank you! Thank you, Doctor! Ha-ha-ha! What's that in the mirror or the corner of your eye? What's that footstep following .
.
but never passing by? Perhaps they're all just waiting.
Perhaps when we're all dead, out they'll come a-slithering from underneath the bed.
Your choice.
Wherever, whenever, anywhere in time and space.
Well there is something, someone that I've always wanted to meet.
But I know what you'll say.
Try me.
You'll say he's made up, that there is no such thing.
Go on.
It's It's Robin Hood.
Robin Hood.
Yeah! I love that story.
I've always loved it, ever since I was little.
Robin Hood, the heroic outlaw, who robs from the rich and gives to the poor? Yeah! He's made up.
There's no such thing.
Ah, you see! Old-fashioned heroes only exist in old-fashioned story books, Clara.
And what about you? Me? Yeah, you.
You stop bad things happening every minute of every day, that sounds pretty heroic to me.
Just passing the time.
Hey, what about Mars? What?! The Ice Warrior Hives! You said it was my choice.
Or the Tumescent Arrows of the Half-Light! Those girls can hold their drink! Doctor And fracture 15 different levels of reality simultaneously.
I think I've got a Polaroid somewhere.
Doctor! My choice.
Robin Hood.
Show me! Very well.
Earth.
England.
Sherwood Forest.
But you'll only be disappointed.
No damsels in distress, no pretty castles, no such thing as Robin Hood! You called? Very, very nicely done with the box, sir.
I saw a Turk perform something very similar at Nottingham Fayre.
It's a trick with mirrors, no doubt? A trick? A good jest.
This is not a trick, this is a TARDIS.
Whatever it is, you bony rascal, I'm afraid I must relieve you of it.
It's my property, that's what it is! Well, don't you know all property is theft to Robin Hood? You're not serious.
I'm many things, sir, but I'm never that.
Robin Hood laughs in the face of all.
And do people ever punch you in the face when you do that? Not as yet.
Lucky I'm here then, isn't it? Might be a little bit much, but what do you reckon, Doctor? By all the saints! Are there any more in there? Is that? No.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It is, isn't it? You found him.
You actually found Robin Hood.
That is not Robin Hood! Well, then who, sir, is about to relieve you of your magic box? Nobody, sir.
Not in this universe or the next.
Well, then draw your sword and prove your words.
I have no sword.
I don't need a sword.
Because I am the Doctor.
And this is my spoon! En garde! Ow! You're amazing! I've had some experience.
Richard the Lionheart! Cyrano de Bergerac! Errol Flynn! He had the most enormous .
.
ego! Takes one to know one.
Oh you! Doctor! Like I said my box.
Doctor? In the name of all that's holy, take our money, take our treasure, but spare my ward! Do not fuss, all will be well.
This is the Sheriff's doing! If he were here now, I'd tear out his black heart! Would you now? Or are you as milk-livered as your name suggests, Master Quayle? Take me! Spare this dear child! Take you?! A lardy lack-wit like you? It's labour we require up at the castle! Labour and gold, not old men and their worthless baubles.
This will be a great help, Master Quayle, believe me.
Newcomer to Sherwood, are we? Yes, my Lord.
You may also prove useful.
Bring her.
Your days are numbered, you cur! You shall live to regret that.
Actually, no .
.
you won't.
Ohh! No! No! Let me introduce you to my men.
This is Will Scarlet.
He is a cheeky rogue with a good sword arm and a slippery tongue.
My lady.
Argh! What do you want with my hair? Well, it's realistic, I'll give you that.
And this is Friar Tuck.
Aptly named for the amount of grub he tucks into! You skinny blackguard! What are you doing? This isn't a real sandal! Yes, it is.
Oh, yes, it is.
This is Alan-a-Dale.
He's a master of the lute, whose music brightens up these dark days.
# Stranger you are welcome here In Sherwood's bonny glade Ow! Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Blood analysis.
Oh! All those diseases! If you were real, you'd be dead in six months.
I am real.
Bye.
And this is John Little.
Called Little John.
He's my loyal companion in many an adventure.
Oh! Works every time! Oh, I cannot believe this! You really are Robin Hood and his Merry Men! Aye! That is an apt description.
- What say you, lads? - Aye! Stop laughing! Why are you always doing that? Are you all simple or something? I'm going to need a sample.
Of what? Excuse me.
Sorry.
What are you doing? Well, they're not holograms, that much is obvious.
Could be a theme park from the future.
Or we might be inside a miniscope.
Oh, shut up! A miniscope! Yes, of course! Why not? Your friend seems not quite of the real world.
No.
No, he's not really, not most of the time.
Hmm.
Dark days? My lady? You said that these were dark days, what did you mean? King Richard is away on crusade, my lady.
His tyrant of a brother rules instead.
And the Sheriff? Cos there is a sheriff, right? Aye.
It is indeed this jackal of the princes who seeks to oppress us for ever more.
Or six months in your case.
It is a shame to dwell on murky thoughts .
.
when there is such beauty here.
Hmm.
Why are you so sad? Why do you think me sad? Because the Doctor's right, you laugh too much.
You know, I do not live this outlaw life by choice.
You see before you Robert Earl of Loxley.
Yes.
Yes.
Sorry, do go on.
I erm I had my lands and titles stripped from me.
I dared to speak out against Prince John.
But I lost the thing most dear to me.
What was she called? You're so very quick! How does the Doctor stand it? Marian? You know her? Yes.
I have always known her.
It was Marian who told me that I must stand up and be counted.
But I was afraid.
Now this green canopy is my palace and the rough ground my feather bed.
Maybe one day I will return home, but until that day until that day it is beholden on me to be the man Marian wanted, to be a hero for those this tyrant sheriff slaughters.
What time is it, Mr Hood? Somewhat after noon.
No, no.
Time of year? What season? Oh, Dame Autumn has draped her mellow skirts about the forest, Doctor.
The time of mists and harvest approaches.
Yeah all very poetic.
But it's very green hereabouts, isn't it? Like I said, very sunny.
So? Have you been to Nottingham? Climate change? It's 1190.
You must excuse me.
The Sheriff has issued a proclamation and tomorrow there is to be a contest to find the best archer in the land.
And the bounty it's an arrow made of pure gold.
No! Don't go! It's a trap.
Well, of course it is! But a contest to find the best archer in the land? There is no contest.
Right, that isn't even funny.
That was bantering.
I am totally against bantering.
How can you be so sure he's not the real thing? Because he can't be.
When did you stop believing in everything? When did you start believing in impossible heroes? Don't you know? In a way, it's rather sweet.
In the contest for the golden arrow, after ten rounds, the battle is betwixt our Lord Sheriff .
.
and the stranger known as Tom the Tinker! Perhaps not such a stranger, after all.
Take your places! Shall we make the contest a little more interesting, my Lord? The targets seem a little close.
What say you? Another 20 paces? Why not? Now, Tinker.
Let us see thy true face.
Ye Gads! He has split the arrow! Truly, he is the finest archer in all England! Come forward, Tinker.
And claim your prize.
He's full of surprises, isn't he? I am the Doctor.
My skills as a bowman speak for themselves.
I claim my reward.
A mere bauble.
I want something else.
Name it.
Enlightenment.
This is getting silly.
Fascinating.
Seize him! What are you doing? Put that down! I'm fine! I take Year Seven for after school tae kwon do.
Don't worry, Doctor! I'll save you! I don't need saving! Your honour is safe! I know! For I am Robin! Robin Hood! Robot! Now we're getting somewhere! Take them! Kill the rest! Kill them all! He surrenders! What? Hai! You miserable cur! I had them on the run! Flee, lads, flee! Live to fight another day! Come on! To the dungeons with all of them! What are you up to? Quickest way to find out anybody's plans - get yourself captured! Here let me help you.
Thank you Lady.
What are you? Gargoyle, what are you? Leave it.
He only needs to rest.
We all need to rest.
Analysis shows that peasant creature is spent.
No, please.
Usefulness expired.
No.
No! No! Damn you! Damn you and that villain the Sheriff! Splendid! Enchained! Yup.
Trussed up like turkey-cocks! Thanks to your friend.
Shut it, Hoodie.
I saved your life.
I had the situation well in hand.
Long-haired ninny versus robot killer knights, I know where I'd put my money.
If you had not betrayed me, I would have been triumphant! You would have been a little puff of smoke and ashes! Ha! You'd have been floating around in tiny little laughing bits in people's goblets.
Balderdash! Ha! Oh, right, here we go, it's laughing time! Well, you amuse me, grey old man! Guard! He's laughing again! You can't keep me locked up with a laughing person.
Oh, I find that quite funny.
Do you know, I feel another laugh coming on.
Ha-ha-ha! Guards, I cannot remain in this cell! Execute me now! You heard him - execute the old fool! No, hang on, execute him! I do not fear death, so execute away! Execute him! I'd like to see if his head keeps laughing when you chop it off! Oh, Robin Hood always laughs in the face of death.
Yes, rolling around the floor laughing, I'd pay good money to see that! Guard! Guard! Guard! Guard! Guard! Guard! Oh, you two, SHUT UP! Do either of you understand in any way at all .
.
that there isn't actually a guard out there? Oh.
I did, in fact.
No, you didn't.
I said, shut up.
The Doctor and Robin Hood locked up in a cellar.
Is this seriously the best you can do.
You're determined to starve to death in here squabbling.
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
I'd last a lot longer than this desiccated man-crone.
Really? Really.
Well, you know what? I think you'll find I have a certain genetic advantage.
Oh! It is not a competition about who can die slower.
It would definitely be me, though, wouldn't it? There was supposed to be a plan.
Do either of you have a plan? Yeah, of course I have a plan.
I too have a plan.
OK, Robin, you first.
Why him? Doctor, shut up.
Robin, your plan.
I am .
.
biding my time.
Thank you, Prince of Thieves.
Last of the Time Lords? Yes, I have a plan.
Can you explain your plan without using the word sonic screwdriver? Because you might have forgotten the Sheriff of Nottingham has taken your sonic screwdriver, just saying.
It's always the screwdriver.
OK, l-l-let's hear Robin's plan first.
Oh, for God's sake! See? There was a guard.
There was guard listening the whole time, I knew it.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! The Sheriff himself commanded me to listen, to find out which of you is the true ringleader.
Ah, so he can do the interrogating.
Very wise.
Excellent.
He will get nothing from me! No, no, no, he will get nothing from me, because interrogation, that's where I always turn the tables.
You see, that's my plan.
Just hurry up and take me to him.
No, no, chop-chop, come on! Seriously? Come on.
No.
What are you doing? Don't be ridiculous! 'Tis a thing of beauty indeed.
And will feed a family for a twelvemonth when melted down! Tonight we rest.
Tomorrow we must draw up plans to rescue Robin.
We shall soon see how those Mechanicals feel about the taste of Nottingham steel! Lord, forgive me.
Strange, though, is it not? What? All this looting that the Sheriff is doing.
And yet 'tis only ever gold that he takes.
Pearls, rubies, all the precious jewels of the realm seem no consequence to him.
Only gold.
# Poor Robin and the stranger lay # In the dungeon all the live-long day # The Merry Men might pine away Upon a Sherwood morning.
Eat, my Lady, eat.
Let it not be said that the Sheriff of Nottingham is a poor host.
I had a bag of crisps this morning, thanks.
Your words are strange, fair one.
Hm, I should think they are.
But I like you.
You are refreshingly .
.
direct.
You can take the girl out of Blackpool Taken from your friend's strange tunic.
An intriguing gallimaufry.
Including this wand.
Evidently a thing of awesome power.
Tell me .
.
are you from beyond the stars? You're the one with the robot army, you tell me.
I'm sorry? No.
Beat your breast, moan, groan as though 20 devils possessed your guts.
What for? So as to attract the attention of that guard.
It's your plan - you moan.
No, no, no, it won't work.
Why? Oh, because you're clearly more advanced in years and you have a sickly aspect to you.
I have a what? You're as pale as milk.
It's the way with Scots, they're strangers to vegetables.
I'm not moaning.
You moan! Fine.
If you want something doing Can I rely upon you to do the rest? Yes, yes, I know the drill.
What is this din? No business of yours, cur! Speak up! I can't hear you.
What ails him? None of your business.
I said, what ails him? Well, if you must know, he's having a nervous breakdown.
A what? He's like this whenever he's in any kind of danger.
He just can't seem to cope, he gets so afraid.
He goes into a kind of fit.
I honestly believe that he may die of sheer fright, like some tiny, shivering little mouse.
Oh, God, I think he's soiled himself.
Let him die.
It will save us the trouble of executing him.
And what will happen to the reward? Reward? Oh, God, I shouldn't have said that! Tell me! He carries a vital message.
The Prince has promised a bounty! A big one? An enormous one! What's that? Say again? Your breath stinks like a serpent, has anyone ever told you that? Soiled myself? Did you? That's getting into character! OK, keys! I'll get them.
No, I'll get them.
I'll get them I'll get them.
I'm fine, no, no worries! I've got them! I've got them! I'll get Well, there is a bright side.
Which is? Clara didn't see that.
But enough of tawdry matters.
Let us talk of softer sweeter things.
Ah! Good, yes, I was hoping we'd get round to that.
You were? Mmm.
For I have known I was destined to draw the eye of a great and powerful man for a long time, ever since I saw those mysterious lights in the sky.
You saw them too? And those strange mechanical men, with their promises.
I too have experienced this.
Really? Well, I would never have guessed.
Tell me your story.
Tell me yours.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
But you have to go first.
Why so? Because great men always precede.
You have a point.
Your story, then.
Once upon a time, there was a brave and clever and handsome man I can almost picture him.
I don't even have to close my eyes.
.
.
unappreciated by his royal master.
Prince John? The very same.
Then came the lights in the sky, and everything changed.
The skyship came to Earth in a fury of fire! I'd almost call it a crash.
I remember it well.
A craft from the heavenly spheres, bedight with twinkling lights and miracles beyond imagining! The most beautiful thing the brave and handsome man had ever seen.
And I suppose the mechanical men saw you as their natural leader? It was I and I alone to whom the mechanical men then imparted their secrets.
Shortly, I shall be the most powerful man in the realm.
King in all but name, for Nottingham is not enough.
It isn't? After this Derby! Right.
Then .
.
Lincoln.
And after Lincoln Worksop? The world! Now what? First, a blacksmith's forge.
So as to remove our chains? No.
So I can knock up an ornamental plant stand.
Of course it's so we can get rid of our chains! I don't want to be manacled to you all night.
Oh, no, please, don't do that! "Ornamental plant stand.
" It's not even that funny! You're an amusing fellow, Doctor! Oh, don't! Can you just stop? You'll give yourself a hernia! So what are you hanging around here for, then, Your Majesty? Why are you bothering to squeeze the pips out of the peasants if you've got a skyship on stand-by? Enough questions.
I'm impatient to hear your story.
Oh, but I do not have one.
I was lying.
Lying? Yeah.
People are so much better at sharing information if they think the other person has already got it.
Oh, that's very clever.
Thank you.
You'll do very well.
For what? Doesn't every king require a consort? Right, you do that again and you'll regret that! At last - something real, no more fairy tales.
What is this place? A spaceship.
More 29th century than 12th! Data banks, data banks, data banks! Where was this ship headed? The Promised Land again.
Like the Half-Faced Man, but more sophisticated.
It disguised itself as a 12th-century castle, emerges into the culture, tries to keep a low profile, so no-one notices.
That explains the robot knights.
But the engines The engines are damaged.
They're leaking radiation into the local atmosphere, creating a temporary climate of staggering benevolence.
Beg pardon? Told you.
It's too sunny.
It's too green.
And there is even an evil sheriff to oppress the locals.
This explains everything, even you.
It does? Well, what does every oppressed peasant workforce need? The illusion of hope.
Some silly story to get them through the day, lull them into docility and keep them working.
Ship's data banks.
Full of every myth and legend you could hope for, including .
.
Robin Hood.
Isn't it time you came clean with me? You're not real and you know it! Look at you, perfect eyes, perfect teeth.
Nobody has a jawline like that! You're as much a part of what is happening here as the Sheriff and his metal knights! You're a robot! You dare to accuse me of collusion with that villain, the Sheriff? I dare! You false-tongued knave! I should have skewered you when I had the chance! I would like to see you try! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Surrender, outlaw! Very good.
Kill him.
Kill Robin Hood! You can drop all that stuff now, Sheriff.
Doctor? He is not what you think he is, this is all play-acting.
We can't just let them kill him! You're not fooling anyone, Sheriff.
What the hell are you doing? Surviving.
No! No! Clara! Yeah, sorry about the girl, such a pretty thing.
What a queen she would've made.
Stop pretending.
You and your fancy robots.
I get it, I understand.
Oh, so you too know my plans? You and your robots plundering the surrounding countryside for all it's worth Gold.
Gold! Of course! Gold! You are creating a matrix of gold to repair the engine circuitry! This is the scheme the Mechanicals have devised.
Soon this skyship will depart.
Destination London.
There I will obliterate the King and take my rightful place as ruler of this sceptered isle! It won't work.
There's not a chance.
I've seen the instruments.
There's been too much damage.
You are stoking up a gigantic bomb! Er 'Engine capacity at 48%.
' 'Engine capacity at 48%.
' It's not enough.
That's not enough.
It'll never make orbit.
That's the engines building in power.
Stupid, stupid Sheriff! Agh! Go on, give! Give, you stupid things! What are you looking at? Hi.
The time for games is over.
I think I understand you.
The Sheriff's using the gold to replace something? That's the principle.
But he's a moron.
If he tries to fly his ship, it'll explode and wipe out half the country.
What we need is a little riot.
Time to reflect on lasers and gold.
Spread the word.
You will tell me everything this Doctor knows about Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
What is this? Why are you interrogating me? And then, you will tell me exactly who this Doctor is and what are his plans.
You are fit for labour.
Stand aside while this peasant unit is freed.
I'm afraid you're a little late.
Explain.
I'm already free! Mine! Mine.
Mine.
Engine capacity at 75%.
'Sblood! Who will rid me of this turbulent Doctor?! Come.
Everyone, the last one! Out, out! Everyone, quickly, get out! Quickly! You've saved us all, clever one.
Thank you.
Engine capacity at 82%.
You are indeed an ingenious fellow, Doctor.
But do you really think your peasants' revolt can stop me? I rather think you're the revolting one around here.
Banter! I'm bantering! Listen to me! You don't have enough gold content to seal the engine breach.
If you try and take off, you'll wipe out half of England.
Liar! From my sky vessel, I shall rule omnipotent.
You pudding-headed primitive, shut down the engines.
What you're doing will alter the course of history.
I sincerely hope so.
Or I wouldn't be bothering.
Listen to me! It doesn't have to end like this.
Shut it all down, return Clara to me and I'll do what I can.
I don't have Clara.
Robin's one of yours! What did you say? He's one of your tin-headed puppets, just like these brutes here.
Robin Hood is not one of mine.
Of course he is.
He's a robot, created by your mechanical mates.
Why would they do that? To pacify the locals, give them false hope.
He's the opiate of the masses.
Why would we create an enemy to fight us? What sense would that make? That would be a terrible idea.
Yes! Yes, it would! Wouldn't it? Yes, that would be a rubbish idea.
Why would you do that? But he can't be He's not real.
He's a legend! Too kind! And this legend does not come alone! Hiya! You all right? Hell, yeah.
Good! My men have taken the castle.
No! Now I'm going to take you.
This one's all mine! What do you say, outlaw? A final reckoning? Oh, yes.
Are you OK? Fine, yeah.
Good.
We don't have long.
RUMBLING I shall avenge every slight, outlaw! Doctor I know.
The whole castle's about to blow.
You have long been a thorn in my side.
Well, everyone should have a hobby.
Mine's annoying you.
I'll have you boiled in oil at the castle by sunset.
Can we make it a little earlier? Cos that's a little past my bedtime! I'm too much for you, outlaw! The first of a new breed.
Half man, half engine! Never ageing Never tiring Are you still talking? Bow down before your new king, you prince of knaves! Aaaaargh! Sorry.
Was that, er, was that showing off? That was amazing! Run! Come on, run! It's never going to make it.
Not enough gold.
It'll never make it into orbit.
Where is it? Where did it go? Where did what go? The golden arrow! Tuck! You took it? Of course we did.
We're robbers.
I love you boys! Doctor, what are you suggesting? Golden arrow.
It might just be enough gold content to get the ship into orbit and out of harm's way.
It has to be you.
My arm is injured.
You're good at this! I saw you! You won the tournament! I cheated.
I made a special arrow with a homing device.
Oh, brilliant! Right, let me have a go.
You? You do tae kwon do! That's not the same thing as this! My friends.
Surely we can manage it together? Engine capacity at 83%.
Insufficient power to achieve escape velocity.
Maximum power surge.
Engines critical.
Engines critical.
Engines crit # One awful day in Nottingham # Brave Robin Hood was in a jam The arrow flew it true Give it a rest, Alan.
Give me my lute! Still not keen on the laughing thing? No, no, no, no.
Woo-hoo! I'm going to miss you.
You're very naughty.
I know.
Whoever he is .
.
he is a very lucky man.
Marian is very lucky, too.
I fear not.
Don't give up.
Not ever, not for one single day.
Be safe, if you can be.
But always be amazing.
Hmm! Goodbye, Robin Hood.
Goodbye, Clara Oswald.
So, is it true, Doctor? Is what true? That in the future I am forgotten as a real man? I am but a legend? I'm afraid it is.
Good.
History is a burden.
Stories can make us fly.
I'm still having a little trouble believing yours, I'm afraid.
Is it so hard to credit? That a man born into wealth and privilege should find the plight of the oppressed and weak too much to bear No .
.
until one night, he is moved to steal a TARDIS? Fly among the stars, fighting the good fight.
Clara told me your stories.
She should not have told you any of that.
Well Well, once the story started, she could hardly stop herself.
You are her hero, I think.
I'm not a hero.
Well, neither am I.
But if we both keep pretending to be Ha-ha! .
.
perhaps others will be heroes in our name.
Perhaps we will both be stories.
And may those stories never end.
Goodbye, Doctor, Time Lord of Gallifrey.
Goodbye, Robin Hood, Earl of Loxley.
And remember, Doctor I'm just as real as you are.
Admit it.
You like him.
Well, I'm leaving him a present, aren't I? Robin? I've found you at last.
Marian? Thank you! Thank you, Doctor! Ha-ha-ha! What's that in the mirror or the corner of your eye? What's that footstep following .
.
but never passing by? Perhaps they're all just waiting.
Perhaps when we're all dead, out they'll come a-slithering from underneath the bed.