Duck Dynasty (2012) s08e03 Episode Script

Miss Kay have you ever used apple sauce in your muffins? - No, I never have.
- I make my muffins with little honey.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
I love me some honey so does Jep.
- I bet he does.
- Okay let's talk about food.
The Big Sister Club started two or three years ago and we usually cook something good and eat it together.
Girl you need some meat on those bones.
- We'll give you double icing.
- Thank you.
Jessica's just a little sister now.
Mmm! But we're working on it.
- It's so good.
- Ah! Something smelling delish in here.
We're having our Big Sister Club.
- I thought it was the Muffin Moms.
- That's on Wednesday, thank you.
I've got another club for you to join, the health club.
That's part of the reason why Jessica's here.
We're going bowling.
You, what? That's not exercise, Kay.
You run down that thing and you throw that ball.
You take four steps and you throw a ball.
No, I have little steps.
I take six or seven.
Why don't you come with us? - You can join our Big Sister Club.
- I don't know if I'd fit the criteria.
I think you fit the criteria.
- No.
- I think I can beat you.
Jessica you can't beat me, believe me.
Wanna bet? I got 200 dollars on this girl.
Kay, I was almost professional.
Now this should come as no surprise, but I pretty much used to dominate the bowling lanes.
- That was seventy pounds ago.
- Oh.
I was at least semi-pro.
- You were in college.
- You don't lose the ability to bowl.
I mean I was good, really good.
Especially for that region in northeast Arkansas.
You're going to bet 200 dollars on her? You haven't even seen her bowl.
I think he's scared.
Bo, bo! Bo, bo? Well, he can come to a chicken college.
All right, I guess I'll spend time with my mom and her friends.
I'll be there tomorrow, so bring your checkbook.
Hey, I've got cash right Kay, golly.
Well, it fell down, but I've got cash.
I don't want the cash that's been on your skin.
This is in the middle of nowhere, Phil.
Now, this dude is somewhat of a recluse.
You think? But he's an artist, so that means you have to be weird.
I mean artist, weirdo.
Same thing.
That's right.
He goes by the name of Couvillion.
I just call him Einstein Junior.
Einstein.
I was telling these guys how you got the name Einstein.
I don't think you did tell us that.
I guess there's a hair, maybe.
I don't see it.
Is he a genius? Well, he took things like this.
You see that? What do you call that? - It's a - A block of wood.
It's a block of wood.
And he turns it into that.
You tell me if he's a genius or not.
No.
Jase, look at the detail on that though, look.
- How much do these cost? - A thousand a piece.
- A thousand a piece.
- Bingo.
What I've noticed about my dad is that when it comes with anything - involving duck hunting - Boo-ya.
he doesn't care what it costs.
Jase, you don't think it'll suck ducks from a mile high? So today he drag us out in the middle of nowhere to meet a man that he thinks is a genius.
- Made in America.
- Land of the brave.
And maybe he's right.
Any man that can convince my dad to pay a thousand dollars for a wooden duck He's pretty much the smartest man on earth.
For a thousand dollars you can buy ten dozen regular decoys.
Plastic ones, they ain't going to last long.
Well, how long are these going to last? As long as you want them to last.
Without putting a match to 'em.
Why would you burn them? I guess to see it burn.
Do you ever take any bartering? We brought gifts.
Let us see what kind of gifts you got.
I learned this trick from the Eskimos.
This is not just any gift.
This duck has been hung up for a couple months.
He begins to liquefy.
Oh, good grief.
Your lips go into the south end of the duck.
Oh yeah, I'm familiar with that.
Think of him as a tube of toothpaste.
- Ugh.
- You drink the duck.
- It's a duck shake.
- I'm in.
I brought enough to where I figure it's about twenty percent off.
- How about ten? - Bingo.
All right Einstein, appreciate it.
Hey, Phil, if you ever back up here bring me some more of these.
Ugh, that's that's gross.
Jep, unravel.
Y'all reckon you get enough string on this? Good grief.
Oh, see? It's not practical.
It's all in delivery.
It's all in delivery.
See, right here, watch.
You talking about denial.
I'd estimate that Phil just spent about twenty thousand dollars on these decoys.
Seems like these are a lot more trouble.
That's why you have this.
Slightly on his head, look.
Nope, didn't work.
So, sure, he's going to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Which is crazy.
He got them wrapped up in the prop again.
Uh, my hands are uncomfortable.
Oh, this crap.
But to me, the only benefit This is maddening to deal with.
is the bank account of the guy selling these things.
Three things are gonna happen, Jase, when mallard ducks see these decoys.
- What's that? - They will be mesmerized - You mesmerize them.
hypnotized and paralyzed.
And then you kill 'em and make them dead.
- That don't rhyme.
- Who cares? I ain't a hip-hop singer, son.
All right, look, I'm not doing this all year.
There's a reason they make decoys out of plastic.
You're not going to make a plastic decoy that looks like them, no way.
Well, I tell you this.
If I can make a plastic decoy look as good as this, we can use them in the spread.
Get one and put it out there and lets see if I can spot them.
All right, you're on.
Oh I'll do it.
If I can tell the difference you pay for the next batch of decoys.
Okay, deal.
Then leave them right there.
I I give up.
You kidding me? Would you stop it.
I threw mine the furthest.
- Perfect throw Jep, you idiot.
- Now we're here twice as long.
Oh, this is going to be so much fun.
I'm excited about this.
- What is he doing here? - What are you doing here? Willie, you cannot be practicing this early okay? - Y'all didn't say what time to get here.
- Cheater.
It's been a while since my competitive bowling days, so I've taken some extra measures to insure I'm on the top of my game.
Which I still am.
- What are you wearing, by the way? - It's my lucky bowling shirt.
- I bought it for him.
- That's precious.
There's nothing these women can say will faze me.
- I bowled my highest game in it.
- Really? How long ago was that? Twenty-three years ago I bowled 250.
Two-fifty, it ain't happening today.
You're about to see how Willie got his groove back.
- We're gonna have two teams.
- No, two - Yes.
- It's one on one.
You said you were betting on her against me.
This was the whole point, for them to get active.
- All right, well I'm picking teams.
- No, no, no.
You were here practicing early, so I get to choose the first.
All right, I definitely get Crystal because she played basketball.
Who's the best out of you two? I got carpal tunnel.
All right, you're out.
Rhonda, you're on my team.
Willie you got Kay and Carpal Girl.
All right, I've got the challenge section I guess.
All right, y'all ready? Let's go.
No, we got to come up with our bowling names.
All right, I'm practicing while you come up with that crap.
The last time I went bowling it was with my grandkids.
- I'm gonna be Sookie.
- Bon Qui Qui.
Sure, it was, fun but this time, I'm glad bowling with a more mature group.
- Grenalda Jones.
- Can you spell that? - No, spell it.
- I can't either.
- Grinel - "E," does it have an "E"? - You got to be kidding me.
- "E," no.
N-E-L, Da Jones? Jones? We get to talk about more grown up things.
- My name is Frida.
- Ooh.
- It should be, I like Fritos.
- Shut up.
At least most of us are acting grown up.
Xena the Warrior Bowler.
Xena, Z? Oh, my gosh, Mom.
Willie could learn a thing or two from us ladies about manners.
All right, tubbo, what do you want your name to be? Just put Hog.
No, I want you to have a pretty name: Willow.
- Yeah.
- Don't put Willow.
And I can actually spell that.
- No.
- Yes.
Whatever.
Nice try, Willow.
Oh, you missed.
- Ha-ha.
- Kay, we're on the same team.
Oh.
You going down, big girl with your pink on.
Kay you bet on me.
Oh, yeah.
That's Yeah.
When I have an idea, it's usually a good one.
No, I don't know about that.
Gentlemen The graveyard of decoys.
You know what See if you can pull that mallard drake out? - I see - Pull out mallard drake out, see how many fall.
- No.
- Yeah, pull it out.
- Snatch it quick.
- You mean these? - Now, quick.
- I mean.
Be like Jenga, pull it out.
Look.
- Jinga, or Jenga? - Hey.
Do y'all want to hear my plan? If this is it, no, I'm not really interested.
I've come up with a brilliant plan to show Phil that I can beat his thousand dollar decoys.
- You know what I see? - Pile of crap.
With cheaper plastic ones.
I see the potential for resurrection.
- The what? - We're fixing to resurrect them.
Thought you were going to say bury them.
No.
This may look like a bunch of old, useless washed up decoys.
Just think, if them decoys could talk.
They would say, "Jase! Bring me back.
" Who's back? They were talking to me because I'm fixing to bring them back.
But if you use your imagination All we got to do is make this look like thousand dollar decoys.
Victory.
It's all lipstick and rouge.
There's a paint scheme.
Hey, I'm in.
I loved arts and crafts day at school.
That's the spirit.
Pull out that mallard hen out without them all falling.
Watch this.
- Easy.
- Easy.
Jenga.
You lose.
Jenga.
Jenga.
Put it back let's do it again.
Yeah! All right, big sisters, play by the rules, no cheating.
I want to pick what side, because I've got a lucky number.
- It doesn't matter what lane you're - Number ten that was Daddy's number.
It's my lucky number.
All right, fine, you can play on ten.
You pretend like your Daddy when he played football.
- All right.
- Suck in your stomach.
As a former almost pro, it's pretty frustrating to be dealing with a bunch of amateurs.
See, nobody thought exercise would be this much fun.
Barring some miracle, I'm gonna have to carry my team to victory.
We're not exercising, plus you've got, like, 20 bags of chips there.
Thankfully, that's just a metaphor, because that might be a little rough on the knees.
Okay, Xena the warrior princess.
- All right.
- Two hundred dollars on this.
- Don't screw it up.
- There you go Jessica.
Huh? Huh? I can't hear y'all man.
Okay I was never almost pro or whatever Willie claims to be, but I'm still pretty confident I can win this.
All right, Frito pie on ten.
Kay you're half way down the lane.
- Kay got zero.
Shocker.
- I love you, Miss Kay.
It's not so much that I have confidence in me or my team.
Oh, crap.
Gutter ball.
It's just that I have zero confidence in Willie's team.
All right, Willow! Come on Willow! Oh, God! Golly, are you kidding me? Amateur hour.
May the worst team lose.
Come on, you got this.
- Are you all right? - I'm not hurt, I'm not hurt.
Here's the good news, that's the best ball you threw.
Well, that's good news.
- I'm going to have to finish her bowl.
- What? - Her knee's hurt, she can't roll.
- All right, Rhonda you're out too.
- I'm gonna finish her bowl.
- There you go.
How many pins did I get? You got all of them but two.
Good job, Kay.
Kay's doing awesome now.
I hate to say it but something about my mom hurting herself really got my game going again.
Yes! Whoo! That was me.
Kay, you're on fire.
That may sound bad, but as someone who gets frequently injured Ah! Oh! Oh! Uh-oh! Ohh! I can empathize.
I'm constantly hurting myself.
Oh, that's it, that's it, Kay! Holy-moly.
Oh, blame it on your wrist.
So this one's for you, Kay.
All right it is a close match.
I can't take it anymore! The pressure's on.
Kay's winning by the way.
What did you expect? All right boys, look at what I got here.
Here's your model.
Ooh! That stinks.
It doesn't stink.
These have been aged for two months.
Why didn't you just take a picture? Well, would rather stare at a picture of your wife or your actual wife? Depends on what mood she's in.
Me and Phil got a pretty serious bet going on here.
I like the way this paint smells.
Don't eat the paint.
Don't eat it.
Unfortunately, the guys are failing to see the gravity of the situation.
I'm getting a cramp in my arm.
And this is not all just fun and games.
- This is fun.
- Yeah, Mm-hm.
It is fun.
I don't want to be spending twenty thousand dollars for more of these decoys.
How did you get yours that color? Green.
I used that green paint.
I thought that getting these guys involved - Mine's got hemorrhoids poking out.
- Ooh! would increase my odds.
But I got to tell you, after watching them paint From thirty yards away, could you tell this was a decoy? - Mm-hm.
- Yeah.
- Yup.
- Man.
it's not looking good.
That's my finish.
All I got to do now is let her dry.
- Let her dry.
- That's a duck right there.
He's swimming by and he's fixing to get his head blown off.
- Si, that's yours? - Wow.
It looks pretty good! Hey, piece of cake.
All right, we'll use Si's, and if Phil can tell him apart from the other ones, we'll concede.
Hey, is that duck leaking already or is that paint on your shirt? - Uh-oh.
He's leaking.
- I'll throw up.
He's leaking.
All right Phil, the decoys are set.
In this spread, you have one plastic decoy.
Can you realistically tell the plastic from the wooden? Mmm I mean, Jase is confident that I can't tell the difference between a hand-carved decoy and a plastic one.
Can you tell? There's a fine line between confidence and hubris.
Mmm Like the Bible says, pride comes before the fall.
You know what I don't like about plastic decoys.
Well, we got the pride part.
I don't like the way they float on the water.
I don't like the color coat on them.
And now I'm fixing to show old Jase the fall.
And the last thing I don't like about them is this right here.
He found it.
They sink when you shoot them.
Valid point.
In hindsight, maybe I should have put our personalized decoys a little further out.
They have to be Si proof.
- All right.
- He shoots decoys all the time.
I mean they got to be able to hold a load.
Hey, ain't no plastic ducks out there.
Not now.
Next time I make a bet with Phil, I'm gonna keep the stakes a little lower, like maybe just a handshake.
After that demonstration, I'm going to put in an order for some decoys.
Maybe, Jase, old Skip will give you a little cut-rate price.
Yeah, time to go to plan B.
If I only had one.
All right, it all comes down to this.
- I'm ahead by one pin.
- One pin, that's it, ladies.
- Come on, Xena.
- Are you scared, Willie? - Are you scared I'm going to beat you? - No, I'm winning.
I'm not scared at all.
Whatever.
Jessica put all your weight in it.
She don't have any weight to put in it.
Think about dinner.
Oh, boy.
Oh! - Dang it.
- Gutter ball! That was the worst performance I've ever seen.
She choked.
She choked big.
Boo! Well, I may not have bowled my best game, but when you have an opponent like Jessica, sometimes your worst is good enough.
At the end of the day, it's all about good, clean fun.
And two hundred bucks, so pay up.
You can ask your mom for that.
She's the one that put the money up.
Well here's the best option on that.
What's better than two hundred dollars? Normally I'd feel bad taking two hundred dollars from my mother, but not today.
Two hundred cupcakes.
I don't want two hundred cupcakes.
That's because she's giving me two hundred cupcakes instead.
Maybe that's the problem with the Big Sisters Club, is you're using cupcakes as money.
Share with the neighborhood.
He needs to share that shirt with somebody else.
Don't eat all those cupcakes yourself, "Willow.
" Let's bow.
Father, we thank you for a good day on Planet Earth.
Thank you, Father, for being kind and merciful towards us and its food that made all this possible for us, I pray.
Amen.
Amen.
The Robertsons are a proud and confident breed.
We're the type to stand behind our beliefs and defend our opinions.
But sometimes that pride can get the best of us.
Jase found out the hard way that you can't fool Phil when it comes to a quality decoy.
And even though I won, it was still a pretty close game, which could be a sign that my glory days are way behind me.
And though it never feels good to be taken down a notch, sometimes it's for the best.
Unless you made a 20,000 dollar bet over a piece of plastic.
Hey Jessica be sure not to choke on your food.
Shut up, Willow.