It Ain't Half Hot Mum (1974) s08e03 Episode Script
Aquastars
Meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you With music and laughter to help you on your way To raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey With songs and sketches and jokes old and new With us about, you won't feel blue So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you B-O, B-O-Y-S Boys to entertain you! - Are you nearly ready? - I'm just waiting for Ted to start the jenny.
Right, Ted, give it a gun.
- (Engine starts) - That's it.
- Here's a list of what we're showing.
- I'll go and tell the officers.
Don't forget there'll be quite a few intervals cos I have to change the reels.
All right.
Won't be long, fellas.
I can't wait to see Dick Powell and Ruby Keeler.
- We're ready, Colonel, sir.
- What's the programme? Well, we start off with a newsreel.
Then a Donald Duck.
And then a Fitzpatrick travelogue.
It's called Burma, The Evergreen Paradise Of The Orient.
- What's the big film? - Oh, it's wonderful.
Footlights Parade Of 1933, starring Jimmy Cagney, Dick Powell and Ruby Keeler.
- Bit ancient, isn't it? - Well, there wasn't much choice, sir.
When I had the notification from the Army Kinema Unit, it was either that or The Battleship Potomkin.
I didn't feel a lot of Russian sailors having mutinies and shooting their officers would have a very good effect on the men.
I can't understand Eisenhower being associated with it, sir.
Have a word with the men before we start.
I don't want any oafish behaviour.
Yes, they make kissing noises during the love scenes.
- Spoils the atmosphere.
- Very well, sir.
Thank you.
Right! Now pay attention.
The Army Kinema Unit has come a long way to give us a show, so you will behave yourselves.
I don't want any comedians making ribald remarks, catcalls or holding up your hands and making rabbits on the screen.
Carry on, Corporal.
- You're in the way of the screen! - Get out the way! (Shouting) (Announcer) This is the Gaumont British News, presenting the truth to the free people of the world.
After more than five years of blood, sweat and tears, the armies of Great Britain and the Empire are celebrating the victory in Europe with a parade through the heart of the Nazi lair, Berlin.
They're all here - those Desert Rats, the Eighth Army who stormed their way from El Alamein to Rome, the RAF, who showed Adolf what "blitz" really means the Navy, who showed that Britannia still rules the waves, the men from the Empire - the Anzacs, Canadians, Rhodesians.
Yes, they're all here.
Red Indians from Canada, ordinary Indians from India, all together to celebrate this hour of triumph.
The Americans are here, as well.
Meanwhile, back in dear old London town, the lights are on, the flags are waving and the bands are playing.
The people are simply jumping for joy.
It's all over bar the shouting, and they're doing plenty of that now.
It's not all over out here, pal! Now, I warned you! Shut up! (Shouting) They're really making a night of it.
Every Tommy Atkins and Jolly Jack Tar has a girl on each arm, and there are plenty more to share in the fun.
Yeah, you wanna send some over here, mate! Of course, there is still a little matter to be settled in the Far East, but we know the lads out there can take care of that.
How about coming out here and giving us a hand? I won't tell you again! Shut up! (Shouting) This is a bit ancient.
VE Day was ages ago.
Please be quiet, sir.
My wife was in Trafalgar Square that night.
I'm trying to spot her.
- That isn't her, is it? - Certainly not.
# By a waterfall I'm calling you oo-oo oo Blow harder, Ah Syn.
I must have the tea ready for the next interval.
Oh, look! What heavenly enchantment.
All those beautiful ladies swimming in that delightful waterfall.
- # A heavenly day - It's magic.
Sheer, sheer magic.
I don't agree.
They're making him sing too high.
He's not a proper tenor and his gestures are not very expressive.
If I had a load of girls swimming round me, my gestures would be expressive.
Of course, musically speaking, it's absolute rubbish.
And the harmonies are so bland.
It's just one phrase repeated over and over again.
La di da di-dah, la di da di-dah Shut up! Shut up! - Get out of the way! - Sit down! It's so unrealistic.
There's no changing-huts and no towels.
And where's the sandwiches and Thermos flasks? They don't have sandwiches and Thermos flasks in Hollywood, you great berk.
- It's all champagne and caviar, isn't it? - Where do they put it? It was the same in that film, Top Hat, when they danced the Piccolino.
There wasn't a pickle in sight.
(# Finale) Hurry up, Ah Syn.
Watching all that water will make them feel thirsty.
- All right.
- (Applause, whistling) All visiting units file out in an orderly fashion.
Transport waiting in the road.
What's the matter, Gloria? It's so frustrating.
I'm just as creative as that Busby Berkeley.
But I haven't got the back-up.
He can have anything he wants in Hollywood - 200 girls, huge waterfalls, big orchestras.
And what have I got? Him on the piano and you lot with balloons stuck in your bras.
Char and wad, sahib? Char and wad.
That just about sums it up.
I'm going to bed.
# You ought to be in pictures # You're wonderful to see # Anything interesting in the orders, sir? The corp commander's visiting this area Thursday week.
- Is he coming to see us? - No, they're giving him lunch at GHQ.
- Are we invited? - I am.
I'm afraid you're not.
- It's colonels upwards.
- They're rotten lunches at GHQ, anyway.
- No artistic - You're mad! - I know what I'm doing! - It'll never work! Shut up! What's the matter with the concert party? They seem very belligerent.
I think it's seeing that film last night, sir.
Made 'em discontented.
They're like dogs, sir.
Give 'em a bone, they won't eat their biscuits.
You mean watching all those lovely girls in swimming suits? No.
Hardly in their case, sir, seeing as how they is very largely poofs.
Shut up and listen! I tell you it will work! You're mad, Gloria.
You've been out in the sun too long without your hat.
- It's the most stupid idea I've ever heard.
- Yeah.
Don't call me stupid, you big, Scotch, butch, hairy haggis! (Squeals) If old Shut Up wasnae watching, I'd wipe the floor wi' you.
Ooh! Perhaps we'd better find out what's going on.
I quite agree, sir.
I was reading a pamphlet on man-management the other day and, apparently, the chaps like to be talked to in their own language.
It makes them feel part of the team and gives them the idea that what they think actually matters.
Officers should give the impression they care? Exactly, sir.
On the other hand, sir, I could double 'em round the camp a dozen times and then they wouldn't care whether you cared or not.
No, I think Captain Ashwood is right.
We'll go and have a chat with them.
And try and look a little more caring, Sergeant Major.
You open the conversation, will you, Ashwood? Squad 'shun! - I'll make it very informal and relaxed.
- Mm-hm.
Right, at ease, chaps.
Just come over for an informal chat.
Right, off you go, Ashwood.
Cor blimey.
Stone the crows.
That picture last night was a bit of all right.
I don't think you're getting through to them.
Now try again, will you? I bet if some of you could have got your hands on that Ruby Keeler, you wouldn't half have given her one.
A kiss, I mean.
What the officer's trying to say is, "What the hell's the matter with you poofs?" Last half hour you've been standing round here like a load of pork chops at a Jewish funeral.
- Gloria is - It's Gloria See, it's like this, Sergeant Major.
See, we've had a slight disagreement cos I've got this fantastic idea.
Tell us what this idea is and we may be able to help you.
I want you to know, as your colonel, I care.
- Ahem.
- And Captain Ashwood cares, too.
Yes.
Just spit it out, Bombardier, or I'll have you on a fizzer.
You see, it's like this, Sergeant Major.
You know that film we saw last night and it had that number in it, By A Waterfall? Well, I think we could put it in the show.
The only problem is, sir, as we've pointed out to Bombardier Beaumont, we haven't got 200 girls, we haven't got a waterfall and, although I regard myself as no mean musician, I cannot make that ghastly piano sound like a 100-piece orchestra.
"A 100-piece orchestra.
" Let me tell you, Mr La-Di-Dah Gunner Graham, you cannot even make that ghastly piano sound like a ghastly piano.
I do take your point, Gunner Graham.
But nothing is impossible.
No problem is insurmountable.
I mean, take the case of the little Dutch boy who saw water coming out of the hole in the dyke.
Now, that was a problem.
And what did he do about it? He stuck his finger in it.
You may say to yourselves, "If we'd seen a hole in the dyke "we'd have stuck something in it, too.
" But would you? The point is, the little Dutch boy was there, with his finger at the ready, and he used it.
- Don't you agree, Ashwood? - Oh, absolutely, sir.
Right.
Let's take the problems one by one.
First, the 200 girls.
We haven't got 200 girls so let's forget it.
You're quite right, sir.
When you tackles it logical, your problems just melt away.
Next, the waterfall.
Is that where the little Dutch boy comes in? We've passed him! Shut up! Here, I know how we can make a waterfall, sir.
We get a load of gas capes and stick them together.
Then we get a few buckets of water and have it dribbling down them.
Did you hear that, sir? Gunner Parkins has done it again! He's put his finger right in the hole.
If we got a fire hose and a pump, we could have a jolly good waterfall.
Where are we gonna get the water? The river's half a mile away.
Listen, I've got it.
This is fantastic.
Why don't we do the show on the water, like they do at Scarborough? I can see it now.
The audience will be on the riverbank.
And we'll be on a raft.
And the moon will be shining behind us and Lofty's voice will come wafting over the water.
Aye.
With the frogs.
And we'll call ourselves The Water Concert Party.
Yes.
The WCP.
Excuse me, sahibs.
I have an even better idea.
Why not do the By A Waterfall number by the real waterfall, which is further down the river? Shut up.
How dare you interrupt? Go and crouch by your char-urn.
That's not a bad idea, sir.
Why can't we do it by the real waterfall? Excuse me, sir.
If we do the show by the real waterfall the audience won't be able to hear anything.
The sound of the water crashing down, it'll drown out our voices.
Maybe the char wallah's wasn't a bad idea after all, sir.
Thank you, Gunner Clark.
That was very bright of you.
- Don't mention it, sir.
- We'd better stick to doing it on the river.
You know, this is the most exciting idea I've heard this war.
I'm going to put everything into it.
I'm going to get in touch with the Engineers and they'll co-operate with us.
And then people will come from miles around.
And you, Ashwood, will co-ordinate the whole thing.
I want us to be one team, regardless of rank, class, creed or status.
And I'll be the producer.
# By a waterfall I'm calling you-hoo hoo-hoo # All ready to run the By A Waterfall number now, sir.
Splendid.
Right, Bombardier, explain to the colonel how it all works.
- Positions, everybody.
- (Muttering) You are the audience, sitting on the bank of the river.
Right, I want you to imagine that where I'm standing it's all water and here is a raft with a stage on it.
- And I'm in charge of the stage, sir.
- Yeah, he's in charge of the stage.
And over here, connected by a plank, is the dressing-room raft, where we all change.
I'm over here on the riverbank, sir, in charge of the whole operation.
I'm in touch by radio with the sergeant major and with the pianist.
I'm over here, sir, on another raft.
He's over there on another raft.
A little one.
Whoops.
In the water.
Nosher's standing on stage, finishing his paper-tearing act.
Right, Nosher.
Music.
(# Piano) Et voila.
- The curtains close.
- I'm closing the curtains, sir.
You won't see him going back to the corner because the curtains are closed.
Then he tells Controls.
Control, curtains are closed.
Over to you, Captain Ashwood.
Thank you, Stage.
Go piano.
Piano going.
Now Lofty is over there, out of sight in a gondola.
He sings the first verse as he comes into view.
And the moon is shining above him and the evening mist is wafting across the water.
The Royal Engineers are letting us have some smoke canisters.
Ah Syn is in charge of the evening mist, sahib.
As he sings the verse, the boys are changing into bathing belles and mermaids.
I'm on the dressing-room raft, sir.
Hear that, sir? Gunner Parkins, dressing-room raft.
Right.
Go mist.
Go, verse.
- (# Piano) - # I appreciate the simple things Cos I'm awfully fond of getting Love in a natural setting This is what I call the simple things - # Just a winding stream - He's paddling the gondola.
Right? And the moon is on the water.
And the boys are crossing from the dressing-room raft and getting into position.
The mist is wafting across.
And as he reaches the steps, he sings the first verse.
Then Gunner Graham plays an eight-bar bridge.
The curtains open and I come forward in this lovely, diaphanous dress.
Then Lofty gets out of the boat.
- Let's do that bit.
- I'm opening the curtains, sir.
Yes.
I'm crossing over to help him.
I'm getting out the gondola.
Then he sings the chorus and I do this lovely romantic dance.
Right.
During this, sir, I will signal to the char wallah, who is working the pump in the dressing-room raft.
Now, when he turns the relevant valve, water from the river goes through the holes which is attached to the back of the waterfall, thus motivating the cascade.
You will notice, sir, that he has a piece of rope attached to his person and I is holding the other end.
I's worked out a few simple signals that even a thickhead like him can understand.
We each has a list.
One pull, turn on pump.
One pull, turn on pump.
- Two pulls, start water.
- Two pulls, start water.
- Three pulls, more water.
- Three pulls, more water.
- Four pulls, less water.
- Four pulls, less water.
- Five pulls - Stop.
During this chorus flares on little floats will be carried gently across the front of the stage by the current.
I'm flare man.
Yes.
Over to you, Captain Ashwood.
Go, flares.
Go, piano.
- (# Piano) - # By a waterfall - # I'm falling - Return to stage.
Go, pump.
Pump going.
- # Beneath a ceiling of blue - One pull, turn on pump.
- I am flare man doing his service.
- # We'll spend a heavenly day Hello, Stage.
Open curtains.
Curtains opening.
Hello, Stage.
Go waterfall.
Waterfall going.
Two pulls, start water.
- # By a waterfall he's dreaming, too - The water's all tumbling down.
The mist is wafting across, the flares are going gently by on the current and the moon is shining.
And it's all It's all wonderful! Mother Nature sings to me Beside a waterfall With you Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for that wonderful reception.
None of this would have been possible without the help of the boys behind the scenes.
Sergeant Major Williams on stage Captain Ashwood on the controls Char wallah on the pump, Gunner Graham on piano, Ah Syn on mist and lights.
And last, but by no means least, Colonel Reynolds, who made the whole thing possible.
Congratulations to you all.
It's the best thing we've ever done.
Now, look, I've got one or two little points here.
Firstly, Gunner Sugden didn't tie up the gondola.
Now, if he doesn't do that, it'll drift off downriver and be smashed to pieces on the real waterfall.
Good point.
Next, if we're not careful, Sergeant Major will be seen by the audience.
I thought of that.
He will be covered from head to foot in black.
You've thought of everything.
I'm overwhelmed.
It's completely breathtaking.
Oh, Ashwood, I've got an idea.
You know that lunch party I've got to attend at GHQ on Thursday? Well, I'm going to invite all the high-ranking officers back here for the dress rehearsal.
B-But it'll be daylight.
There'll be no magic.
No, it's the organisation I want them to see.
It'll appeal to the military minds of all these generals and air marshals.
- Carry on.
Well done.
- Come on, fellas, let's do it again! Stand by, chaps.
They're coming.
They're coming.
We'll go straight into The Lace Tablecloth.
Are you ready, fellas? Everything all right? - Pump is standing by, sahib.
- Oh, good luck, fellas.
Good luck.
Atlas, what do mermaids do? If you're half a fish, there's not a lot you can do.
We're all ready to start the finale, sir, as soon as you say, "Go.
" - Carry on, Sergeant Major.
- Sir! There's no need to shout, sir.
Give your instructions through this to me at the control post over there.
I'm in touch with the pianist over there and the sergeant major on the stage.
He's in touch with the pump.
- Right, off you go.
- Right, sir.
Why is that sergeant major dressed like Max Wall? I'm glad you raised that point, sir.
It's so the audience can't see him.
You must remember all this takes place at night, so just ignore everything except what happens on stage.
Hello.
Control to Stage.
Control to Stage.
Go, Lace Tablecloth.
Stage here.
Lace Tablecloth going now.
Get on with it.
Go, Piano.
Piano going.
Et voila.
Why is that man holding up that dirty old piece of torn newspaper? It's supposed to be a lace tablecloth, sir.
Hello.
Control to Piano.
Go, introduction to waterfall.
- (# Piano) - Go gondola.
You didn't warn me.
I'm not in it.
Hello.
Control to Piano.
Not quite ready.
Play the introduction again.
I'm stuck in the mud.
Here, give us a shove.
Hello.
Hello.
Control to Piano.
He's stuck.
Er keep playing the introduction.
I'm sinking! It's filling with water.
Paddle fast, before you sink! Sergeant Major, the water nymphs and the mermaids should be here by now.
Move yourselves! You should be on stage! What's the matter with you? I appreciate the simple things Cos I'm awfully fond of getting love in a natural setting This is what I call the simple things Just a winding stream - Hurry up, fellas.
- # Where I can drift and dream And now I'm waiting How am I gonna get across? I cannae move my feet.
Couldn't someone grab us by the gills? Here, Sergeant Major, they can't get across.
Stage to Control, we's hit a bit of trouble back here, sir.
We can't get the mermaids across.
Hello.
Control to Piano.
Play the verse again.
I appreciate the simple things Cos I'm awfully fond of getting love in a natural setting This is what I call the simple things - # Just a winding stream - Move yourselves! Hurry up, Sergeant Major.
Open the curtain! It's the big number.
Get out of the water! Ooh! Go, evening mist.
Evening mist, go.
By a waterfall I'm calling you hoo-hoo hoo We can share it all Beneath a ceiling of blue We'll spend a heavenly day Are we still supposed to concentrate on the stage? - # Here, where the whispering waters play - (Coughing) - # There's a whip-poor-will - Hello, Effects.
Go, flares.
Go, flares.
By a waterfall He's dreaming, too It's meant to be a sort of evening mist, sir.
Looks more like a pea-souper.
Ha-ha! - # Beside a waterfall - (Coughing) With you By a waterfall I'm calling you hoo-hoo hoo - Hello.
Control to Stage.
- # We can share it all Start pump.
Stage to (Coughs) Stage to Control, pump starting.
Start pump, one pull.
We'll spend a heavenly day One pull, turn on pump.
- (Motor starts) - # Here, where the whispering waters play Hello, Ashwood, what's going on? We can't see or hear a thing.
Stop smoking, Ah Syn.
I'm not smoking, sir.
Put them out, you fool.
Hello? Control to Stage.
That pump is making a hell of a noise.
Tell him to quieten it.
Mother Nature sings to me - Haven't got a signal for "Quiet," sir.
- Just go and tell him! Shut up! Will you shut up? What, Sergeant Major? I couldn't hear through the noise of the pump.
We can share it all beneath a ceiling of blue We'll spend a heavenly day Ah, that's better.
This is where the waterfall starts.
Hello.
Control to Stage.
Go, waterfall.
Stage to Control.
Waterfall going.
Start water, two pulls.
By a waterfall Two pulls, start water.
There's a magic melody Mother Nature sings to me Here, Atlas, where's this water supposed to go? I can tell you where most of it's going.
Is that the great big waterfall we've been hearing so much about? - Yes.
- Pathetic.
Huh! I could do better than that on half a pint.
I quite agree, sir.
Ashwood that waterfall is pathetic.
I quite agree, sir.
Hello.
Control to Stage.
That waterfall is pathetic.
Right, sir.
More water, three pulls.
There's one Three pulls.
More water.
(Waterfall drowns out voice) Stop the water, five pulls.
One, two Will you stop the water, Cloth Ears? Will you stop it? Stop the flaming water, you! Cloth Ears, why didn't you stop the water when I told you? Are you deaf or something? Don't keep on going under the water when I'm talking to you! I'm drowning, sahib! Here.
The hose is breaking loose, Sergeant Major! Just grab it! Grab it! Steady on! Turn it off, somebody! Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off! Now, Gloria, give that great speech of yours about thanking all the backstage staff for their help.
- I'm awfully sorry, sir.
- Get off! Sergeant Major, I can't sing any more.
I can't hear the music.
- He's broken loose! - He's drifting towards the waterfall, look.
Hello.
Gunner Graham.
If you do not stop playing By A Waterfall, you will soon be playing over the top of a waterfall.
You have my permission to abandon piano.
There's only one thing against that, Sergeant Major.
I can't swim! Oh, dear.
How sad.
Never mind.
Meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you With music and laughter to help you on your way To raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey With songs and sketches and jokes old and new With us about, you won't feel blue So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you We are here to make you feel gay So give us a cheer with a hey, hey, hey Just gather around and put down your gun With us about, there's plenty of fun So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you B-O, B-O-Y-S Boys to entertain you! # Land of hope and glory # Mother of the free (Williams) Shut upl
Right, Ted, give it a gun.
- (Engine starts) - That's it.
- Here's a list of what we're showing.
- I'll go and tell the officers.
Don't forget there'll be quite a few intervals cos I have to change the reels.
All right.
Won't be long, fellas.
I can't wait to see Dick Powell and Ruby Keeler.
- We're ready, Colonel, sir.
- What's the programme? Well, we start off with a newsreel.
Then a Donald Duck.
And then a Fitzpatrick travelogue.
It's called Burma, The Evergreen Paradise Of The Orient.
- What's the big film? - Oh, it's wonderful.
Footlights Parade Of 1933, starring Jimmy Cagney, Dick Powell and Ruby Keeler.
- Bit ancient, isn't it? - Well, there wasn't much choice, sir.
When I had the notification from the Army Kinema Unit, it was either that or The Battleship Potomkin.
I didn't feel a lot of Russian sailors having mutinies and shooting their officers would have a very good effect on the men.
I can't understand Eisenhower being associated with it, sir.
Have a word with the men before we start.
I don't want any oafish behaviour.
Yes, they make kissing noises during the love scenes.
- Spoils the atmosphere.
- Very well, sir.
Thank you.
Right! Now pay attention.
The Army Kinema Unit has come a long way to give us a show, so you will behave yourselves.
I don't want any comedians making ribald remarks, catcalls or holding up your hands and making rabbits on the screen.
Carry on, Corporal.
- You're in the way of the screen! - Get out the way! (Shouting) (Announcer) This is the Gaumont British News, presenting the truth to the free people of the world.
After more than five years of blood, sweat and tears, the armies of Great Britain and the Empire are celebrating the victory in Europe with a parade through the heart of the Nazi lair, Berlin.
They're all here - those Desert Rats, the Eighth Army who stormed their way from El Alamein to Rome, the RAF, who showed Adolf what "blitz" really means the Navy, who showed that Britannia still rules the waves, the men from the Empire - the Anzacs, Canadians, Rhodesians.
Yes, they're all here.
Red Indians from Canada, ordinary Indians from India, all together to celebrate this hour of triumph.
The Americans are here, as well.
Meanwhile, back in dear old London town, the lights are on, the flags are waving and the bands are playing.
The people are simply jumping for joy.
It's all over bar the shouting, and they're doing plenty of that now.
It's not all over out here, pal! Now, I warned you! Shut up! (Shouting) They're really making a night of it.
Every Tommy Atkins and Jolly Jack Tar has a girl on each arm, and there are plenty more to share in the fun.
Yeah, you wanna send some over here, mate! Of course, there is still a little matter to be settled in the Far East, but we know the lads out there can take care of that.
How about coming out here and giving us a hand? I won't tell you again! Shut up! (Shouting) This is a bit ancient.
VE Day was ages ago.
Please be quiet, sir.
My wife was in Trafalgar Square that night.
I'm trying to spot her.
- That isn't her, is it? - Certainly not.
# By a waterfall I'm calling you oo-oo oo Blow harder, Ah Syn.
I must have the tea ready for the next interval.
Oh, look! What heavenly enchantment.
All those beautiful ladies swimming in that delightful waterfall.
- # A heavenly day - It's magic.
Sheer, sheer magic.
I don't agree.
They're making him sing too high.
He's not a proper tenor and his gestures are not very expressive.
If I had a load of girls swimming round me, my gestures would be expressive.
Of course, musically speaking, it's absolute rubbish.
And the harmonies are so bland.
It's just one phrase repeated over and over again.
La di da di-dah, la di da di-dah Shut up! Shut up! - Get out of the way! - Sit down! It's so unrealistic.
There's no changing-huts and no towels.
And where's the sandwiches and Thermos flasks? They don't have sandwiches and Thermos flasks in Hollywood, you great berk.
- It's all champagne and caviar, isn't it? - Where do they put it? It was the same in that film, Top Hat, when they danced the Piccolino.
There wasn't a pickle in sight.
(# Finale) Hurry up, Ah Syn.
Watching all that water will make them feel thirsty.
- All right.
- (Applause, whistling) All visiting units file out in an orderly fashion.
Transport waiting in the road.
What's the matter, Gloria? It's so frustrating.
I'm just as creative as that Busby Berkeley.
But I haven't got the back-up.
He can have anything he wants in Hollywood - 200 girls, huge waterfalls, big orchestras.
And what have I got? Him on the piano and you lot with balloons stuck in your bras.
Char and wad, sahib? Char and wad.
That just about sums it up.
I'm going to bed.
# You ought to be in pictures # You're wonderful to see # Anything interesting in the orders, sir? The corp commander's visiting this area Thursday week.
- Is he coming to see us? - No, they're giving him lunch at GHQ.
- Are we invited? - I am.
I'm afraid you're not.
- It's colonels upwards.
- They're rotten lunches at GHQ, anyway.
- No artistic - You're mad! - I know what I'm doing! - It'll never work! Shut up! What's the matter with the concert party? They seem very belligerent.
I think it's seeing that film last night, sir.
Made 'em discontented.
They're like dogs, sir.
Give 'em a bone, they won't eat their biscuits.
You mean watching all those lovely girls in swimming suits? No.
Hardly in their case, sir, seeing as how they is very largely poofs.
Shut up and listen! I tell you it will work! You're mad, Gloria.
You've been out in the sun too long without your hat.
- It's the most stupid idea I've ever heard.
- Yeah.
Don't call me stupid, you big, Scotch, butch, hairy haggis! (Squeals) If old Shut Up wasnae watching, I'd wipe the floor wi' you.
Ooh! Perhaps we'd better find out what's going on.
I quite agree, sir.
I was reading a pamphlet on man-management the other day and, apparently, the chaps like to be talked to in their own language.
It makes them feel part of the team and gives them the idea that what they think actually matters.
Officers should give the impression they care? Exactly, sir.
On the other hand, sir, I could double 'em round the camp a dozen times and then they wouldn't care whether you cared or not.
No, I think Captain Ashwood is right.
We'll go and have a chat with them.
And try and look a little more caring, Sergeant Major.
You open the conversation, will you, Ashwood? Squad 'shun! - I'll make it very informal and relaxed.
- Mm-hm.
Right, at ease, chaps.
Just come over for an informal chat.
Right, off you go, Ashwood.
Cor blimey.
Stone the crows.
That picture last night was a bit of all right.
I don't think you're getting through to them.
Now try again, will you? I bet if some of you could have got your hands on that Ruby Keeler, you wouldn't half have given her one.
A kiss, I mean.
What the officer's trying to say is, "What the hell's the matter with you poofs?" Last half hour you've been standing round here like a load of pork chops at a Jewish funeral.
- Gloria is - It's Gloria See, it's like this, Sergeant Major.
See, we've had a slight disagreement cos I've got this fantastic idea.
Tell us what this idea is and we may be able to help you.
I want you to know, as your colonel, I care.
- Ahem.
- And Captain Ashwood cares, too.
Yes.
Just spit it out, Bombardier, or I'll have you on a fizzer.
You see, it's like this, Sergeant Major.
You know that film we saw last night and it had that number in it, By A Waterfall? Well, I think we could put it in the show.
The only problem is, sir, as we've pointed out to Bombardier Beaumont, we haven't got 200 girls, we haven't got a waterfall and, although I regard myself as no mean musician, I cannot make that ghastly piano sound like a 100-piece orchestra.
"A 100-piece orchestra.
" Let me tell you, Mr La-Di-Dah Gunner Graham, you cannot even make that ghastly piano sound like a ghastly piano.
I do take your point, Gunner Graham.
But nothing is impossible.
No problem is insurmountable.
I mean, take the case of the little Dutch boy who saw water coming out of the hole in the dyke.
Now, that was a problem.
And what did he do about it? He stuck his finger in it.
You may say to yourselves, "If we'd seen a hole in the dyke "we'd have stuck something in it, too.
" But would you? The point is, the little Dutch boy was there, with his finger at the ready, and he used it.
- Don't you agree, Ashwood? - Oh, absolutely, sir.
Right.
Let's take the problems one by one.
First, the 200 girls.
We haven't got 200 girls so let's forget it.
You're quite right, sir.
When you tackles it logical, your problems just melt away.
Next, the waterfall.
Is that where the little Dutch boy comes in? We've passed him! Shut up! Here, I know how we can make a waterfall, sir.
We get a load of gas capes and stick them together.
Then we get a few buckets of water and have it dribbling down them.
Did you hear that, sir? Gunner Parkins has done it again! He's put his finger right in the hole.
If we got a fire hose and a pump, we could have a jolly good waterfall.
Where are we gonna get the water? The river's half a mile away.
Listen, I've got it.
This is fantastic.
Why don't we do the show on the water, like they do at Scarborough? I can see it now.
The audience will be on the riverbank.
And we'll be on a raft.
And the moon will be shining behind us and Lofty's voice will come wafting over the water.
Aye.
With the frogs.
And we'll call ourselves The Water Concert Party.
Yes.
The WCP.
Excuse me, sahibs.
I have an even better idea.
Why not do the By A Waterfall number by the real waterfall, which is further down the river? Shut up.
How dare you interrupt? Go and crouch by your char-urn.
That's not a bad idea, sir.
Why can't we do it by the real waterfall? Excuse me, sir.
If we do the show by the real waterfall the audience won't be able to hear anything.
The sound of the water crashing down, it'll drown out our voices.
Maybe the char wallah's wasn't a bad idea after all, sir.
Thank you, Gunner Clark.
That was very bright of you.
- Don't mention it, sir.
- We'd better stick to doing it on the river.
You know, this is the most exciting idea I've heard this war.
I'm going to put everything into it.
I'm going to get in touch with the Engineers and they'll co-operate with us.
And then people will come from miles around.
And you, Ashwood, will co-ordinate the whole thing.
I want us to be one team, regardless of rank, class, creed or status.
And I'll be the producer.
# By a waterfall I'm calling you-hoo hoo-hoo # All ready to run the By A Waterfall number now, sir.
Splendid.
Right, Bombardier, explain to the colonel how it all works.
- Positions, everybody.
- (Muttering) You are the audience, sitting on the bank of the river.
Right, I want you to imagine that where I'm standing it's all water and here is a raft with a stage on it.
- And I'm in charge of the stage, sir.
- Yeah, he's in charge of the stage.
And over here, connected by a plank, is the dressing-room raft, where we all change.
I'm over here on the riverbank, sir, in charge of the whole operation.
I'm in touch by radio with the sergeant major and with the pianist.
I'm over here, sir, on another raft.
He's over there on another raft.
A little one.
Whoops.
In the water.
Nosher's standing on stage, finishing his paper-tearing act.
Right, Nosher.
Music.
(# Piano) Et voila.
- The curtains close.
- I'm closing the curtains, sir.
You won't see him going back to the corner because the curtains are closed.
Then he tells Controls.
Control, curtains are closed.
Over to you, Captain Ashwood.
Thank you, Stage.
Go piano.
Piano going.
Now Lofty is over there, out of sight in a gondola.
He sings the first verse as he comes into view.
And the moon is shining above him and the evening mist is wafting across the water.
The Royal Engineers are letting us have some smoke canisters.
Ah Syn is in charge of the evening mist, sahib.
As he sings the verse, the boys are changing into bathing belles and mermaids.
I'm on the dressing-room raft, sir.
Hear that, sir? Gunner Parkins, dressing-room raft.
Right.
Go mist.
Go, verse.
- (# Piano) - # I appreciate the simple things Cos I'm awfully fond of getting Love in a natural setting This is what I call the simple things - # Just a winding stream - He's paddling the gondola.
Right? And the moon is on the water.
And the boys are crossing from the dressing-room raft and getting into position.
The mist is wafting across.
And as he reaches the steps, he sings the first verse.
Then Gunner Graham plays an eight-bar bridge.
The curtains open and I come forward in this lovely, diaphanous dress.
Then Lofty gets out of the boat.
- Let's do that bit.
- I'm opening the curtains, sir.
Yes.
I'm crossing over to help him.
I'm getting out the gondola.
Then he sings the chorus and I do this lovely romantic dance.
Right.
During this, sir, I will signal to the char wallah, who is working the pump in the dressing-room raft.
Now, when he turns the relevant valve, water from the river goes through the holes which is attached to the back of the waterfall, thus motivating the cascade.
You will notice, sir, that he has a piece of rope attached to his person and I is holding the other end.
I's worked out a few simple signals that even a thickhead like him can understand.
We each has a list.
One pull, turn on pump.
One pull, turn on pump.
- Two pulls, start water.
- Two pulls, start water.
- Three pulls, more water.
- Three pulls, more water.
- Four pulls, less water.
- Four pulls, less water.
- Five pulls - Stop.
During this chorus flares on little floats will be carried gently across the front of the stage by the current.
I'm flare man.
Yes.
Over to you, Captain Ashwood.
Go, flares.
Go, piano.
- (# Piano) - # By a waterfall - # I'm falling - Return to stage.
Go, pump.
Pump going.
- # Beneath a ceiling of blue - One pull, turn on pump.
- I am flare man doing his service.
- # We'll spend a heavenly day Hello, Stage.
Open curtains.
Curtains opening.
Hello, Stage.
Go waterfall.
Waterfall going.
Two pulls, start water.
- # By a waterfall he's dreaming, too - The water's all tumbling down.
The mist is wafting across, the flares are going gently by on the current and the moon is shining.
And it's all It's all wonderful! Mother Nature sings to me Beside a waterfall With you Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for that wonderful reception.
None of this would have been possible without the help of the boys behind the scenes.
Sergeant Major Williams on stage Captain Ashwood on the controls Char wallah on the pump, Gunner Graham on piano, Ah Syn on mist and lights.
And last, but by no means least, Colonel Reynolds, who made the whole thing possible.
Congratulations to you all.
It's the best thing we've ever done.
Now, look, I've got one or two little points here.
Firstly, Gunner Sugden didn't tie up the gondola.
Now, if he doesn't do that, it'll drift off downriver and be smashed to pieces on the real waterfall.
Good point.
Next, if we're not careful, Sergeant Major will be seen by the audience.
I thought of that.
He will be covered from head to foot in black.
You've thought of everything.
I'm overwhelmed.
It's completely breathtaking.
Oh, Ashwood, I've got an idea.
You know that lunch party I've got to attend at GHQ on Thursday? Well, I'm going to invite all the high-ranking officers back here for the dress rehearsal.
B-But it'll be daylight.
There'll be no magic.
No, it's the organisation I want them to see.
It'll appeal to the military minds of all these generals and air marshals.
- Carry on.
Well done.
- Come on, fellas, let's do it again! Stand by, chaps.
They're coming.
They're coming.
We'll go straight into The Lace Tablecloth.
Are you ready, fellas? Everything all right? - Pump is standing by, sahib.
- Oh, good luck, fellas.
Good luck.
Atlas, what do mermaids do? If you're half a fish, there's not a lot you can do.
We're all ready to start the finale, sir, as soon as you say, "Go.
" - Carry on, Sergeant Major.
- Sir! There's no need to shout, sir.
Give your instructions through this to me at the control post over there.
I'm in touch with the pianist over there and the sergeant major on the stage.
He's in touch with the pump.
- Right, off you go.
- Right, sir.
Why is that sergeant major dressed like Max Wall? I'm glad you raised that point, sir.
It's so the audience can't see him.
You must remember all this takes place at night, so just ignore everything except what happens on stage.
Hello.
Control to Stage.
Control to Stage.
Go, Lace Tablecloth.
Stage here.
Lace Tablecloth going now.
Get on with it.
Go, Piano.
Piano going.
Et voila.
Why is that man holding up that dirty old piece of torn newspaper? It's supposed to be a lace tablecloth, sir.
Hello.
Control to Piano.
Go, introduction to waterfall.
- (# Piano) - Go gondola.
You didn't warn me.
I'm not in it.
Hello.
Control to Piano.
Not quite ready.
Play the introduction again.
I'm stuck in the mud.
Here, give us a shove.
Hello.
Hello.
Control to Piano.
He's stuck.
Er keep playing the introduction.
I'm sinking! It's filling with water.
Paddle fast, before you sink! Sergeant Major, the water nymphs and the mermaids should be here by now.
Move yourselves! You should be on stage! What's the matter with you? I appreciate the simple things Cos I'm awfully fond of getting love in a natural setting This is what I call the simple things Just a winding stream - Hurry up, fellas.
- # Where I can drift and dream And now I'm waiting How am I gonna get across? I cannae move my feet.
Couldn't someone grab us by the gills? Here, Sergeant Major, they can't get across.
Stage to Control, we's hit a bit of trouble back here, sir.
We can't get the mermaids across.
Hello.
Control to Piano.
Play the verse again.
I appreciate the simple things Cos I'm awfully fond of getting love in a natural setting This is what I call the simple things - # Just a winding stream - Move yourselves! Hurry up, Sergeant Major.
Open the curtain! It's the big number.
Get out of the water! Ooh! Go, evening mist.
Evening mist, go.
By a waterfall I'm calling you hoo-hoo hoo We can share it all Beneath a ceiling of blue We'll spend a heavenly day Are we still supposed to concentrate on the stage? - # Here, where the whispering waters play - (Coughing) - # There's a whip-poor-will - Hello, Effects.
Go, flares.
Go, flares.
By a waterfall He's dreaming, too It's meant to be a sort of evening mist, sir.
Looks more like a pea-souper.
Ha-ha! - # Beside a waterfall - (Coughing) With you By a waterfall I'm calling you hoo-hoo hoo - Hello.
Control to Stage.
- # We can share it all Start pump.
Stage to (Coughs) Stage to Control, pump starting.
Start pump, one pull.
We'll spend a heavenly day One pull, turn on pump.
- (Motor starts) - # Here, where the whispering waters play Hello, Ashwood, what's going on? We can't see or hear a thing.
Stop smoking, Ah Syn.
I'm not smoking, sir.
Put them out, you fool.
Hello? Control to Stage.
That pump is making a hell of a noise.
Tell him to quieten it.
Mother Nature sings to me - Haven't got a signal for "Quiet," sir.
- Just go and tell him! Shut up! Will you shut up? What, Sergeant Major? I couldn't hear through the noise of the pump.
We can share it all beneath a ceiling of blue We'll spend a heavenly day Ah, that's better.
This is where the waterfall starts.
Hello.
Control to Stage.
Go, waterfall.
Stage to Control.
Waterfall going.
Start water, two pulls.
By a waterfall Two pulls, start water.
There's a magic melody Mother Nature sings to me Here, Atlas, where's this water supposed to go? I can tell you where most of it's going.
Is that the great big waterfall we've been hearing so much about? - Yes.
- Pathetic.
Huh! I could do better than that on half a pint.
I quite agree, sir.
Ashwood that waterfall is pathetic.
I quite agree, sir.
Hello.
Control to Stage.
That waterfall is pathetic.
Right, sir.
More water, three pulls.
There's one Three pulls.
More water.
(Waterfall drowns out voice) Stop the water, five pulls.
One, two Will you stop the water, Cloth Ears? Will you stop it? Stop the flaming water, you! Cloth Ears, why didn't you stop the water when I told you? Are you deaf or something? Don't keep on going under the water when I'm talking to you! I'm drowning, sahib! Here.
The hose is breaking loose, Sergeant Major! Just grab it! Grab it! Steady on! Turn it off, somebody! Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off! Now, Gloria, give that great speech of yours about thanking all the backstage staff for their help.
- I'm awfully sorry, sir.
- Get off! Sergeant Major, I can't sing any more.
I can't hear the music.
- He's broken loose! - He's drifting towards the waterfall, look.
Hello.
Gunner Graham.
If you do not stop playing By A Waterfall, you will soon be playing over the top of a waterfall.
You have my permission to abandon piano.
There's only one thing against that, Sergeant Major.
I can't swim! Oh, dear.
How sad.
Never mind.
Meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you With music and laughter to help you on your way To raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey With songs and sketches and jokes old and new With us about, you won't feel blue So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you We are here to make you feel gay So give us a cheer with a hey, hey, hey Just gather around and put down your gun With us about, there's plenty of fun So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you B-O, B-O-Y-S Boys to entertain you! # Land of hope and glory # Mother of the free (Williams) Shut upl