Last Comic Standing (2003) s08e03 Episode Script
Invitational 4
Previously Last Comic Standing Stand up.
Seven comics from our third invitational show claimed a spot in the semifinals by earning the accolades of our three powerhouse judges.
Wow, you're a great joke writer.
I thought you killed it and did a great job.
Keenan really related to you because you come from a family of 13 and he comes a family of 1,300.
Tonight, the fourth and final invitational show hits off.
Tell it to my balls! And you don't want to miss it, because host J.
B.
Smoove will reveal which comics get the last box on the semifinals and move one step closer to $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
Ladies and gentlemen, you better put your hands together for the host of Last Comic Standing, J.
B.
Smoove! Welcome to Last Comic Standing! Whoo! This is our fourth and final invitational show.
Before we get this thing started, let's say hello to our esteemed judicial trio over there.
Give it up for Keenan Ivory Wayans, y'all! Russell Peters, baby! Thank you.
Roseanne in the building! Oh! All right, now.
Let's get it rolling with our first comic of the night.
Check out Karlous Miller, y'all.
Hey, what's up? I'm Karlous Miller from Oxford, Mississippi.
I'm the only comedian from Oxford, Mississippi.
I used to be a firefighter.
A lot of people don't believe me.
When I tell 'em, they're just like-- I don't know.
What, they don't think that I have it in me? What's goin' on? Hey, Karlous! - What's up, man? - What's up, man? - What's up, Karlous? - How y'all doing? My name is Larry.
I'm Karlous' step-dad.
As a little kid, he always come to the fire station, and he was tryin' to follow my dream.
Don't nobody believe I used to work here.
I was a real firefighter until we had an actual fire.
That was the day I was like it's time to make a decision, 'cause fire's hot.
- But right here, The Lyric - Yeah.
That's where I told my first joke.
I'd much rather just stand onstage and tell them jokes.
- I can handle that fire.
- Yeah.
This is home, but I always had a desire to do more and travel the world and just go see all those things I heard about.
When I found my calling, I was just full speed ahead.
Then, you know, I had my family supportin' me.
We are proud of him.
Real proud of him because he's the only one in the family have made it this far to be on TV and everything.
Well, his mother passed away, but he got a lot of family support.
We're just very proud of him.
Wish his mom could be here to see it.
For me to win this, it would be like, you are the first and only comedian from Oxford, Mississippi, to win Last Comic Standing.
I could probably be the mayor here.
Let's make some noise for Karlous Miller! Karlous! I see there's a lot of beautiful ladies in here.
I'm glad the ladies are goin' back to their natural hair.
Yeah! I'm glad to see that, ladies going back to they natural hair, 'cause these hairstyles have gotten crazy.
You remember when weave was just a little additive, just a little help? It was just a little help.
She wanted to go all the way around.
Couldn't go all the way around.
Needed a little help.
Now weave has turned into the whole hairstyle.
I was talkin' to this girl at the mall.
She scratched her head.
Her whole hairstyle came off.
It was crazy.
She was like, ooh, I seen you on TV.
You crazy as Hell.
You stupid! You know that? I guess she got hot, 'cause she was like, when you gonna be on there again? I'm real particular about what I like in a woman.
I like women who got pretty feet.
I love a woman who got all ten toes pretty.
You ever seen a chick-- She got eight pretty toes, and the little one look like a smoked cigarette? I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I like to be out here in California, man.
Y'all got a lot of things we don't have in the South, like y'all got real Hispanic people.
Not the ones that was born in America, the ones who woke up Saturday and was like, mm, let's go to America.
Those are my favorite people.
I was ridin' around earlier.
I saw a accident.
Two Mexican guys, they rear-ended each other, right? Rear-end.
I'm thinkin' they gonna get out of the car, call the insurance like regular people.
Don't you know these dudes got out of the car and started fixin' each other car? They just looked at each other.
"Amigo, I fix.
" "Amigo, I fix.
" I'm watchin' this like how the hell they put that taillight back together? Y'all got a lot of stuff we don't have in the South.
Y'all got some of the most entertaining homeless people I have ever seen in my life.
I gave a dude $3.
He act like those were the $3 he needed to not be homeless no more.
Soon as I gave him the money, he was like, you done put me back in the game, right back where I need to be! Hey, I'm Karlous Miller.
Appreciate it.
Karlous Miller! Karlous Miller! Oh! Nonstop funny.
Nonstop.
You're fantastic in every possible way.
You understand about set and construction, and I love the way you moved around.
Everything you did was like, wow, this guy is-- He's the deal.
Yeah, you related to the audience in front of you, which is very important, you know what I mean? A lot of people will write a joke and go, oh, well, this joke kills in New York.
Well, you're not in New York right now, and you understood that.
You did a joke about Mexicans, and it was funny, and it-- And it hit the audience.
They were like, yes, this is true! - So awesome set.
- Thank you.
Good job.
I know you've been compared to Martin before, but you definitely got a Martin vibe, which is not a bad thing.
Great energy.
Great stage presence.
Your jokes are really funny.
Your animation was great.
- It was hot.
- Mm-hmm.
Karlous Miller! Let him hear it! I really came here to win.
I'm not even aiming for the semifinals, 'cause that's such a low goal.
Like, I want the whole thing.
All right, now it's time for our next comic.
Give it up for Joe Zimmerman.
Thank you so much.
So great to be here at the Montalban theater.
I actually live in fear, so it's just good to get out in general.
I'm afraid of snakes.
That's a normal fear.
It's weird that people have pet snakes when there's so many fluffy pet options.
Here, you want-- the puppy wants to be your best friend.
It's a rescue.
Or you could get the cold-blooded reptile that's banging its head against the glass.
Sure looks like it hates you.
Now, it's the opposite of a rescue.
It's an attack.
It's actually what we rescued the rescue from, so we keep 'em separate.
Oh, you want more info on the limbless serpent? Well, uh Let's see.
It has infrared vision like the predator monster, and it's been the symbol for evil since the beginning of time.
Everywhere you go, there's different animal attack scenarios.
I was in Florida.
This guy was like if it's an alligator, run in a zigzag.
Everybody knows that.
I hadn't heard that.
Aren't alligator eyes on the sides of their head? Wouldn't they see you more if you're zigzagging? There he is.
He's back.
Good thing he's running like a weirdo.
If he ran straight ahead, he'd be in my blind spot.
Heard if you see a wolf, you're not supposed to smile.
Takes the teeth as a sign of aggression.
Yeah, I don't know who sees a wolf and goes Hey, thank you so much.
I'm Joe Zimmerman.
- I appreciate it.
- Joe Zimmerman! - Roseanne.
- Very likeable.
Real unique stuff that I haven't heard before.
- Thank you.
- The writing is fantastic.
Oh, stop.
And, you know, it's really, really good, and I enjoyed it.
Oh, thank you.
Appreciate that.
You have a sarcastic undertone, which I really appreciate.
I dig that a lot, and despite your last name, you're doing great things.
Yeah.
You have a very wry, intelligent point of view and this very kind of laid-back delivery.
My only critique would be that there were moments where you kind of, like, drifted away.
- Like the mic was too heavy? - Yeah, like-- yeah.
Like, you-- Yeah, exactly.
Like your hand-- And I was like, okay.
We kind of can't hear you, and it makes you have to work a little harder to get the audience back.
So you want me to be louder? No, I wasn't trying to zing you.
I just was out-- - Now, you see how that worked? You see how well that worked? I don't like the way you give me such a hard time, Keenan.
That is Joe Zimmerman, y'all! Thank you.
Coming up, a comic with ears in the strangest place Tell it to my balls! And later, a loving father discusses the joys of raising a teenager daughter.
Oh, my God! That guy just got shot in the face.
Oh, my God! I can't find my charger.
Same, same.
And Roseanne gets real with a comic.
You did the worst thing in the world at the top of your set.
I'm gonna really get all over people's ass for this, because I just hate it.
Welcome back Last Comic Standing! Okay, it's time now to get a closeup and personal look at our next comic.
Watch this.
I'm Tim, and this is my wife Mary, and we are both comedians in Minneapolis.
And we're also friends.
I'm not just your wife.
I'm a person.
I think we're very Midwestern.
We're Midwestern because we like to fish and eat.
We canned our own salsa this year.
We met at the 2003 funniest person in the Twin Cities contest at Acme Comedy Company.
We were competing against each other, and I thought-- - He won.
- Yeah.
Just say it.
Okay, I won, and you got third.
And then he told my friend, oh, she got robbed.
She should have got second.
I said that, but I-- That's when the crush started, because I thought she was really funny and I thought she was really attractive.
This is the bar at Acme where we met 11 years ago.
He asked me out, and then I said no.
Then, like, six months later, he presented me with a cheese box.
I knew she was from Wisconsin, and I think that in Wisconsin, it's like giving a woman, like, a diamond really, essentially-- a cheese basket.
Here's to you coming in third on Last Comic Standing.
I'm watching you, Harmston.
Please welcome Tim Harmston! I married a comedian.
Yeah.
If-- Yeah, people always say, uh, wow.
It must be so much fun at your house.
It must be nonstop laughter all the time.
And I'm like, well, she's still a woman Oh! Compassionate and understanding-- If you'd let me finish.
The other question that people ask is when are you gonna have kids? You know, when are the kids coming? I don't know.
It's expensive! It's really expensive, but they try to guilt you into it, you know? They're like, oh, yeah, Tim, if you don't have your own child, who's gonna take care of you when you grow really old? And I'm like, you know what? It's gonna be that super hot Swedish nurse that I hire using the money I saved by not having children.
And then they're like, but she's not gonna love you the same way your own child will.
I'm like, I know.
That's why it's so expensive! I've been coloring my own hair.
That's a degrading activity that apparently is just for men.
Here's how it works.
You open the box up, and then you strip down naked, or that's how I do it.
You put on these oversized disposable gloves like you're making a $5 foot-long.
You shake it up.
You rub it in.
Now, look, your eyes are gonna water up because of the toxic fumes, but that's okay because you don't want to see the mirror in front of you reveal a 42-year-old comedian with auburn brown rivers of shame running down his forehead, dripping onto a pale, distended white belly, creating what appears to be a pantsless chocolate sundae.
Thank you guys very much.
I'm Tim Harmston.
Tim Harmston! I don't understand how you're married to a comic, you know, 'cause you're always trying to one-up each other.
"Guess what happened to me today?" "Guess what happened to me today," you know? So I think you got a lot of-- Great potential ahead of you too.
Thank you.
You're immediately very likeable.
My only thing was, it felt inconsistent.
Like, there was one character you were doing, which was the guy who would say something off and then correct the audience, and then you went in a different direction, and I just felt like it was inconsistent.
I didn't know which guy I was watching at that moment.
Pick one and shape the act around that persona.
But I think you're a really funny guy.
Yeah, I liked you too.
I thought you were funny.
I thought it was disjointed in a couple places.
We understand how comics think, 'cause we're comics, and, you know, they're like, I'm gonna save my best stuff for when the finals come, but that's not gonna get you in the finals, and so don't save your good stuff till later, 'cause you won't make it later.
You know? Bring it.
Bring it.
Bring it the first time.
Good advice.
Thank you.
Tim Harmston! If I win the $250,000, I'd get those gold fronts - that the rappers have.
- Yeah.
- I love Roseanne.
- Right.
Like, we have the same birthday.
I'm feeling, you know, excited.
My nerves are on end.
I mean, there's so many emotions going on right now, but I just want to get onstage and kill it.
My family's very overprotective.
Like, every time I go back to New York City, my mom's like, be careful.
You know there's men up in New York City mugging.
I'm like, yeah, well, where exactly are they mugging? 'cause I haven't been touched by a man in a long time.
What I love is that my mother thinks I'm muggable.
I'm like, seriously? People are intimidated by me.
I just want to be, like, that vulnerable girl.
Like, you know? Like, that damsel in distress? You know.
Right? My fantasy is to be in a dark alley at, like, have some creepy dude down there and just be like, oh, my God.
Right? And I'm so concerned, I have to call my friend-- Oh, Teresa, there's a man, and I don't think I'm gonna make it, girl! But the reality is, if I was in the alley with a guy at 4:00 in the morning, he'd be down there going, Oh, my God.
Teresa! Thank you, guys! Thank you.
I thought you were very fierce.
What I like the most about you is that you are not afraid to be vulnerable and put it out there, and that's, like, awesome.
Thank you.
Thank you.
The only thing I don't like about being married is that my single friends are always bragging about all their casual hookups right in front of me.
They're like, dude, last weekend, I hooked up with two chicks at once, and I'm like, oh, man.
My weekend was, like, monogamy.
They're like, dude, we're taking you to the strip club tonight, and I'm like, oh, I'm so there, but it's our cat's birthday.
So, like, either way, I'm gonna have a little tail on my lap.
Think of it like this.
With my hat on, it looks like I might be a college student.
With my hat off, it looks like I might kidnap a college student.
It was crazy.
When I was younger, we didn't have a lot of money, so I couldn't even afford to come out of the closet 'cause-- Yeah, we lived in an efficiency, so I had to come out from behind a curtain that separated the kitchen from the living room.
I got something to tell you! This is fun, huh? This isn't even the weirdest gig I've ever done.
I performed comedy at an atheist convention recently.
An atheist convention, and it was amazing, because I had been praying for an opportunity like that.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Sometimes I wish that I had more confidence, you know? Because I work with, like, really confident guys, you know, who sometimes have no reason to be that confident, but, like, really confident dudes.
And I wish I was like them.
You know, there's things I would do.
I'd like to have a catchphrase.
I think that could be amazing.
I'm working on one.
I do need to work it into conversation, so I'm gonna ask you a question.
What do you do for a living? Tell it to my balls! Whoo-hoo! Yeah.
Thank you, guys.
Can I be perfectly honest with you? - Yes.
- I threw that in tonight.
You don't have to tell that to me.
Tell it to my balls! The only thing I would tell you, I would just tighten it up a little bit because there was, like, 45 seconds with nothing, and I think that's too long, you know? Sure, but if they're applauding, I'm gonna let them do that.
Yeah, but I'm talking about you were talking a lot, and you had a lot of words.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
Yeah, I'm just saying get to it faster.
Yeah, sure.
I thought you meant just 45 seconds of me standing here like-- - Tell it to my balls.
- Oh, man! - But I love it.
That's definitely the joke of the night, you know? That was funny.
Coming up, a comic makes a keen observation about fashion.
Rednecks and gay dudes hate each other.
What they hate more than each other? Sleeves.
Keep it going! Keep it going! All right, let's get our next comic onstage, y'all.
Give it up for Nikki Carr, y'all.
The Bronx! Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm so happy to be here.
Thank God this is one of them-- This isn't one of them shows where you have to be sexy to get on.
No, no.
I knew when I was a child I was not gonna grow up to be sexy.
There were clues everywhere.
I've been this same size since I was seven years old.
True story.
This is how I look in all my school pictures.
Looked like two teachers in the class.
Just big and mad for no reason.
Every picture, I'm the biggest one, standing next to the flag.
But in spite of everything, do you know people still want to give me advice on things to do to be more sexy? Go on a diet.
How could anybody go on a diet as good as food is? Food is delicious! Yeah! And listen, I'm not greedy or anything, but I am dedicated, you know? I mean dedicated like the last thing I think about at night is what I'm gonna eat for breakfast in the morning.
You know what I'm saying? Sometimes if it's gonna be something really good, I can't even sleep.
I got to get up in the middle of the night and fix it.
So they say, well, change the things that you eat.
Stop eating pork.
I said, stop right there! Can I at least eat bacon? I love bacon! They say, why won't you try turkey bacon? I said, because I am 100% sure that you cannot mate a pig with a turkey.
I don't even want to know how you make turkey bacon.
I don't even like interracial breakfast meat.
Thank you.
My name is Nikki.
Nikki Carr, everybody! Let her hear it! You know what I like about you is that you owned who you are.
- Yes.
- And you let us have it.
- And I, too, love pork.
- Yes.
It's delicious! I really liked your presence, and I liked your energy, and I like the stuff that you talk about.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
- Good job, Nikki.
- Thank you.
Yeah, you know, Nikki, when you first came out, your rhythm reminded me of Bernie Mac a little bit, you know? He had such a great attitude, and you have such a great attitude onstage.
My only note to you would be I wanted to see more about you, and I think the food bit took up more time - than it should have.
- Yes.
But I thought that your stage presence was great, and I really enjoyed you.
I like that you said that about Bernie Mac, but I think you're right.
It was just, like, all so real, you know? It was just, like, right now - Yes.
- And you were-- - It was in the moment.
- You were bringing it, yeah.
It was right in the moment.
- It was excellent.
- I appreciate you all.
Thank you very, very much.
Thank you.
From the Bronx, Nikki Carr! Good job.
Keenan compared me to the great Bernie Mac, and not just in looks like everybody else does.
Please welcome Billy Wayne Davis, y'all! Billy Wayne Davis! I'm from a small town in Tennessee.
I left as soon as I graduated.
I threw the hat up.
I was, like, 45 miles outside of town before that thing landed.
But I go back to see my family, and last time I was there, I ran into some old friends, some friends that left and never came back like I did and some friends that never left, and you can tell who they are right away, 'cause they've gained, like, 400 pounds and their kids have already dropped out of high school.
I'm 33.
Do that math real quick.
They can't.
We're all hanging out.
In the middle of the conversation, one of my friends that never left looked up to see one of my friends that had left walking up.
Middle of the conversation he went Holy ghost! I haven't seen him in a coon's age.
And we were like, nope, no, no.
You cannot say that.
That is racist.
Without missing a beat, he's like, I don't think it is, man.
I've been saying it for years.
And that doesn't help your argument at all.
He's like, Google it, and he pulled out an iPhone, 'cause evidentially anybody can get one.
And he typed in "coon's age.
" It turns out he's right.
The term "coon's age" comes from the 1800s when people thought that raccoons lived forever.
That's amazing to me, that the origin of "coon's age" is even dumber than racism.
Rednecks and gay dudes hate each other.
You can Google that.
A bunch of stuff pops up.
What I've noticed is what they hate more than each other-- sleeves.
You guys are awesome.
I'm Billy Wayne Davis.
Thank you so much.
Billy Wayne Davis over here! Well, I thought you were real funny.
I like the way you built your set too.
Thank you.
I thought you connected with the audience real quick.
You know, it was stuff I've never heard anybody do before.
You had good timing and good writing, and, you know, I enjoyed it.
Thank you very much.
I like when I hear a joke that makes me go, what? And then you-- Okay, got you.
You know what I mean? Your writing is great.
I think you know what you're doing up there.
- Good job.
- Thank you.
I loved your confidence.
I thought you played a very dangerous game coming out and being really, really laid-back, but obviously you were confident in your material and knew where it was gonna go.
So I like comedians who don't sweat, and you definitely didn't sweat, so good job.
Thank you, guys.
Billy Wayne Davis, y'all.
Billy Wayne Davis! This is the toughest night so far.
I know.
- Really so many good ones, man.
- Yeah.
Coming up, a comic earns the wrath of Roseanne.
You did the worst thing in the world at the top of your set.
You're asking the audience to do your work for you.
It's so lazy.
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
Keep it going for New Jersey's own Mike Gaffney! I don't want kids.
That's what I'm coming up to.
I don't want kids at all.
Like, at all.
Problem is, I already have two kids.
Yeah.
Now I don't want them.
I love them.
I just don't want them.
My daughter talks too much.
I have no idea what's she saying.
She's got a lot going on.
Girls have a lot going on.
Like, look at you! I'm looking at you.
You got a lot going on.
You're just thinking.
Head is going.
So much happening.
My son, he has got nothing going on.
Nothing.
He's like a coma patient.
The stuff that comes out of his mouth-- He came home the other day with his gym bag.
In the gym bag were flip-flops.
Like, dad, my flip-flop broke.
Takes the broken flip-flop, throws it in the garbage, takes the other flip-flop, puts it back in the bag.
No, no, no.
No, no, no! Why? Why? 'Cause that one's not broke, dad! He said it like I messed up.
Like I messed up.
Like he got me.
Got him! That one's not broke, dad! What, are you planning on losing a foot? Want me to eBay search a left flip-flop? Oh, it's so frustrating.
And I'm a recovering-- Just so you know, I'm a recovering drug addict.
I haven't had a drink or a drug in 21 years.
Do you unders-- No! No! No, it's not fun.
We're not celebrating.
I got to take everything my kids say right in the face every day.
I can't go throw back a scotch and a Vicodin, shoot some heroin.
No, I don't got that luxury.
No, everything they say-- Right in the face! Have you ever talked to a teenage girl? It's very fast.
It's very It comes in very rapid.
You don't even know.
You don't even know.
You don't even know.
It's always code red too.
It's always, oh, my God! Everything is, oh, my God! Oh, my God! That guy just got shot in the face.
Oh, my God! I can't find my charger.
Same, same.
They're the same.
My name is Mike Gaffney.
Thank you guys so much.
Right in the face, Mike Gaffney, y'all! Thank you.
You're like a throwback to Jackie Gleeson.
It's like, you're going to the moon! I loved it.
I loved it.
I have four daughters as well, so I know all about the charger and the info coming in fast.
All of it-- Very, very funny.
It was a great set.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I thought it was a great set.
You have-- again, you have a very fresh take on children and raising them.
I felt like it took you a minute to get into your rhythm.
That'd be my only critique for you, is just jump on 'em and keep 'em up there, you know? All right, thanks.
Thank you.
You know, at first, I was worried about you, 'cause I was like, what? And then-- 'cause it took a while, but then as you were going, I realized, he's just planting the seeds to come around for a great big harvest, and that's exactly what you did.
Boy, you were getting pissed off, and I was totally relating.
I have five kids, and that's how I feel every day, and I loved it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- That's Mike Gaffney, y'all! - Thank you.
First I'm gonna call my daughter.
Then I'm just gonna let it go.
It's I did what I can do.
All right.
I think I look amazing.
The judges are all holograms.
Am I afraid that Roseanne's gonna yell at me? Yeah, 100%.
100%, but that's fine.
You know what? If Roseanne yells at you, you've won.
I do not know how.
What is going on, everybody? How are you guys doing? Yes! Killing it.
You have to do things in this economy to save a little bit of money.
Like, I did something fairly stupid.
I traded in a perfectly good moving vehicle that got me from here to there for a Vespa.
Hang tight.
Story gets bad.
You'd say, hey, JC, how long does it take you to get from one side of town to another in a car? What about on a Vespa? 4 1/2 days.
But I kept it because I was saving so much money on gas, and in this economy, you have to save money.
A Vespa has 37 miles to the gallon.
Whoo! 37 miles to the gallon.
Just a heads up in case any of you are buying, it has one gallon.
So if you need me, I'll be at a gas station.
Thank you.
I thought you had a good set.
I thought people liked you a lot.
- You got a lot of energy.
- Thanks, girl.
But you did the worst thing in the world at the top of your thing.
I'm gonna really get all over people ass for this because I just hate it when people come out and say, hey, how you doing? I hate people that start their act that way.
You're asking the audience to do your work for you.
- It's so lazy.
- That's fair.
I mean, you gotta come out there and have a joke for them.
They're the audience.
You don't ask them, hey, how-- It just bugs me.
I used to do it all the time too, but I got-- I got the same lecture from Rodney, and I think it's true.
- Dangerfield? I get you.
- Yeah.
But keep working, 'cause I think you're good, and I enjoyed it.
I ain't mad at that.
I ain't mad at that.
I go to a thug barbershop in my neighborhood.
That's where I get my hair cut.
The thug barbershop's the only place you go to get your hair cut, and right after he's done, the guy who just cut your hair makes fun of the haircut that he just gave you.
I was out there the other day.
The guy cuts my hair.
Right afterwards, he looks at me.
He goes, oh, snap! Goes, you look like Bobby from King Of The Hill, son.
I love being married.
I just hate that I got the same ghetto friends from before I got married.
You know, like when my homegirl first met my husband, she was like, oh, my God, girl! You got you a Asian man, huh? 'Cause that's how she talks.
She can't stop moving.
She be like, what? Here's a legal drug I have a problem with, cigarettes.
I had to stop smoking cigarettes.
You know how-- yeah.
You know how hard that is? It's hard.
It's hard.
I still smoke cigarettes.
That's how hard it is.
I haven't even stopped a little bit.
I smoke more than I ever did.
My wife and I-- we just got a new puppy.
We got a new puppy.
It's been really exciting.
Some people got mad at us, though.
They were like, why'd you get a new puppy? You got to get a rescue dog, and I don't understand where they're coming from.
Like, I think it's important to have rescue animals.
That's a great thing, it's really important.
But I've had rescue animals my whole life.
Like, I was like, I just want one fresh one, one time.
Can't I just have one brand-new one that I can mess up and somebody else can rescue it later? Yeah, so technically it's still a rescue dog, just not right now.
I have never seen anything like you before in my whole life.
You're one of a kind.
You're-- you know, you're real original.
I just loved it.
Fantastic.
Thanks so much.
Yeah! Coming up, Keenan gives a young comic his props.
You are what comedy is supposed to be.
And later, find out which comics are advancing to the semifinals.
Moving on to the semifinals is We're back to Last Comic Standing! We having a ball up in here! All right, let's get our next comic onstage.
Monroe Martin's in the building, y'all.
Monroe! Thank you.
Thank you.
Let me tell you a little about myself.
I grew up in foster care.
Most people don't know what that is, so I always have to explain, and I tell 'em foster care is a program where they take children from homes where they're being abused and neglected.
They take 'em out of that environment and place 'em in the same exact environment.
One of my first foster parents was a 72-year-old Christian woman who balanced it out with a lot of alcohol.
She liked a lot of gin with her Jesus.
That's how she got down every Saturday.
She would get drunk, say the most random things, but tell me it came from the Bible.
She would say things like, the Bible says if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for that day, but if you take a man fishing and drown him, he would never ask you for a piece of fish again.
I just learned that my foster mom made $750 a month just to take care of me.
If I'd had known that as a kid, she would have never been able to punish me.
It's like, Monroe, you been acting up in school.
You can't watch TV for a week.
I say, I can't watch TV? Woman, I pay the cable bill.
My mom-- she stole a lot.
That was her thing.
She was the type of person you had to pat down after a hug.
My mom would steal and bring me with her, but I never knew I was doing anything wrong, because she made it fun.
There was this little game we'd play called "Hold This.
" To this day, I'll look back like, what the hell did I need queen-sized panty hose for? I'm named after my dad, which is weird, because my dad was in prison.
I didn't find that out till I was a teenager, 'cause all the adults in my life, they tried to sugarcoat it.
They told me him and his partner moved up north to a gated community.
It sucks being named after your dad, especially when he's a criminal, 'cause when you pass down a name, you're passing down the goals and legacies that kid must reach.
My dad did absolutely nothing with his life, so all I had to do was learn to walk, and I beat him.
Y'all been awesome.
My name is Monroe Martin.
Monroe Martin! Fellow brother from the city of brotherly love.
Brotherly love! You are what comedy is supposed to be, so you took-- You took this dark world and found all the humor and presented it to us and made us laugh, but the fact that you were brave enough to come up and share that part of you? You came out, you started talking about foster care, and then in my head, I was like, I wonder if he's gonna tell us about his mom and dad? And you did.
You took us to where we wanted to go, and it was insightful and funny.
Congratulations.
That was a great set, buddy.
Thank you.
Yeah, I agree with both guys.
- You brought the pain - Yeah.
and you showed us how you lived through it.
You showed us how you survived it, and you put it way in the past by laughing it out of existence.
That's a really transcendent gift that you have, and, you know, I'd like to see you get even more pissed off.
It was great.
Monroe Martin, everybody! Monroe! I killed.
I had fun.
Great responses from the judges.
Like, I almost cried, almost came to tears.
I was like, mm.
And now it's time for the judges to pick who will be moving on to the semifinals, keep their dream alive of being anointed the Last Comic Standing! The results are next.
- This guy was so good.
- Yeah.
- I loved her too.
- This guy was good.
I saw holes in it.
His beginning was slow, but once he got into the meat of his stuff, I thought he was really funny.
- He's good - He did the silent-- And he's a solid comic, but I'm-- - He's like a good rogue comic.
- Yeah.
- You know? - Mm-hmm.
This is hard.
Oh! I've got to cool myself off on this one.
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
Tonight our invitational round comes to a close.
Here we go.
Moving on to the semifinals and taking one step closer to winning $250,000, an NBC television deal, and the title of Last Comic Standing is Karlous Miller! I feel great about moving on to the semifinal round.
Karlous Miller.
I'm in a round with a lot of great comedians, so it's like now I got to figure out how I can maneuver through that and win this thing.
The next comic moving on to the semifinals is tell it to my balls! Deanne Smith! Whoo! Now that I know that I've advanced, I feel just, like, so much relief.
Now I have to get my head around what's coming next.
Oh, man.
Pressure's on.
Nikki Carr from the Bronx! I couldn't believe it.
I lost my mind completely.
I still feel like I'm dreaming, and, you know, I just hope that I wake up with $250,000.
Tommy Ryman! When I heard my name called, I was super-excited, because my ultimate goal in this competition would be to win it, so it was awesome.
Yamaneika Saunders! Oh, my God, I don't know what just happened.
I feel like a million bucks.
It's all love, baby! I think I'm gonna be the Last Comic Standing and then saying, can you bring me a chair? 'Cause I've been standin' for a long time, or just sit on the $250,000.
That's cushiony.
Mike Gaffney.
I just wanted to cry.
I wanted to fall down and cry.
It's, like, nice recognition.
I just-- I'm looking forward to that opportunity.
The judges' final choice tonight, grabbing our last spot in the semifinals is Monroe Martin, y'all! I was like, yeah, I'm gonna win that money.
I need that money so I can buy some rims.
And there you have it.
Good night! We'll see you next week! Last Comic Standing! Seven comedians from tonight's final invitational show have moved on out of the 100 best and brightest comics.
A grand total of 28 have been chosen to go through to the semifinals.
Seven comics from our third invitational show claimed a spot in the semifinals by earning the accolades of our three powerhouse judges.
Wow, you're a great joke writer.
I thought you killed it and did a great job.
Keenan really related to you because you come from a family of 13 and he comes a family of 1,300.
Tonight, the fourth and final invitational show hits off.
Tell it to my balls! And you don't want to miss it, because host J.
B.
Smoove will reveal which comics get the last box on the semifinals and move one step closer to $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
Ladies and gentlemen, you better put your hands together for the host of Last Comic Standing, J.
B.
Smoove! Welcome to Last Comic Standing! Whoo! This is our fourth and final invitational show.
Before we get this thing started, let's say hello to our esteemed judicial trio over there.
Give it up for Keenan Ivory Wayans, y'all! Russell Peters, baby! Thank you.
Roseanne in the building! Oh! All right, now.
Let's get it rolling with our first comic of the night.
Check out Karlous Miller, y'all.
Hey, what's up? I'm Karlous Miller from Oxford, Mississippi.
I'm the only comedian from Oxford, Mississippi.
I used to be a firefighter.
A lot of people don't believe me.
When I tell 'em, they're just like-- I don't know.
What, they don't think that I have it in me? What's goin' on? Hey, Karlous! - What's up, man? - What's up, man? - What's up, Karlous? - How y'all doing? My name is Larry.
I'm Karlous' step-dad.
As a little kid, he always come to the fire station, and he was tryin' to follow my dream.
Don't nobody believe I used to work here.
I was a real firefighter until we had an actual fire.
That was the day I was like it's time to make a decision, 'cause fire's hot.
- But right here, The Lyric - Yeah.
That's where I told my first joke.
I'd much rather just stand onstage and tell them jokes.
- I can handle that fire.
- Yeah.
This is home, but I always had a desire to do more and travel the world and just go see all those things I heard about.
When I found my calling, I was just full speed ahead.
Then, you know, I had my family supportin' me.
We are proud of him.
Real proud of him because he's the only one in the family have made it this far to be on TV and everything.
Well, his mother passed away, but he got a lot of family support.
We're just very proud of him.
Wish his mom could be here to see it.
For me to win this, it would be like, you are the first and only comedian from Oxford, Mississippi, to win Last Comic Standing.
I could probably be the mayor here.
Let's make some noise for Karlous Miller! Karlous! I see there's a lot of beautiful ladies in here.
I'm glad the ladies are goin' back to their natural hair.
Yeah! I'm glad to see that, ladies going back to they natural hair, 'cause these hairstyles have gotten crazy.
You remember when weave was just a little additive, just a little help? It was just a little help.
She wanted to go all the way around.
Couldn't go all the way around.
Needed a little help.
Now weave has turned into the whole hairstyle.
I was talkin' to this girl at the mall.
She scratched her head.
Her whole hairstyle came off.
It was crazy.
She was like, ooh, I seen you on TV.
You crazy as Hell.
You stupid! You know that? I guess she got hot, 'cause she was like, when you gonna be on there again? I'm real particular about what I like in a woman.
I like women who got pretty feet.
I love a woman who got all ten toes pretty.
You ever seen a chick-- She got eight pretty toes, and the little one look like a smoked cigarette? I love it.
I love it.
I love it.
I like to be out here in California, man.
Y'all got a lot of things we don't have in the South, like y'all got real Hispanic people.
Not the ones that was born in America, the ones who woke up Saturday and was like, mm, let's go to America.
Those are my favorite people.
I was ridin' around earlier.
I saw a accident.
Two Mexican guys, they rear-ended each other, right? Rear-end.
I'm thinkin' they gonna get out of the car, call the insurance like regular people.
Don't you know these dudes got out of the car and started fixin' each other car? They just looked at each other.
"Amigo, I fix.
" "Amigo, I fix.
" I'm watchin' this like how the hell they put that taillight back together? Y'all got a lot of stuff we don't have in the South.
Y'all got some of the most entertaining homeless people I have ever seen in my life.
I gave a dude $3.
He act like those were the $3 he needed to not be homeless no more.
Soon as I gave him the money, he was like, you done put me back in the game, right back where I need to be! Hey, I'm Karlous Miller.
Appreciate it.
Karlous Miller! Karlous Miller! Oh! Nonstop funny.
Nonstop.
You're fantastic in every possible way.
You understand about set and construction, and I love the way you moved around.
Everything you did was like, wow, this guy is-- He's the deal.
Yeah, you related to the audience in front of you, which is very important, you know what I mean? A lot of people will write a joke and go, oh, well, this joke kills in New York.
Well, you're not in New York right now, and you understood that.
You did a joke about Mexicans, and it was funny, and it-- And it hit the audience.
They were like, yes, this is true! - So awesome set.
- Thank you.
Good job.
I know you've been compared to Martin before, but you definitely got a Martin vibe, which is not a bad thing.
Great energy.
Great stage presence.
Your jokes are really funny.
Your animation was great.
- It was hot.
- Mm-hmm.
Karlous Miller! Let him hear it! I really came here to win.
I'm not even aiming for the semifinals, 'cause that's such a low goal.
Like, I want the whole thing.
All right, now it's time for our next comic.
Give it up for Joe Zimmerman.
Thank you so much.
So great to be here at the Montalban theater.
I actually live in fear, so it's just good to get out in general.
I'm afraid of snakes.
That's a normal fear.
It's weird that people have pet snakes when there's so many fluffy pet options.
Here, you want-- the puppy wants to be your best friend.
It's a rescue.
Or you could get the cold-blooded reptile that's banging its head against the glass.
Sure looks like it hates you.
Now, it's the opposite of a rescue.
It's an attack.
It's actually what we rescued the rescue from, so we keep 'em separate.
Oh, you want more info on the limbless serpent? Well, uh Let's see.
It has infrared vision like the predator monster, and it's been the symbol for evil since the beginning of time.
Everywhere you go, there's different animal attack scenarios.
I was in Florida.
This guy was like if it's an alligator, run in a zigzag.
Everybody knows that.
I hadn't heard that.
Aren't alligator eyes on the sides of their head? Wouldn't they see you more if you're zigzagging? There he is.
He's back.
Good thing he's running like a weirdo.
If he ran straight ahead, he'd be in my blind spot.
Heard if you see a wolf, you're not supposed to smile.
Takes the teeth as a sign of aggression.
Yeah, I don't know who sees a wolf and goes Hey, thank you so much.
I'm Joe Zimmerman.
- I appreciate it.
- Joe Zimmerman! - Roseanne.
- Very likeable.
Real unique stuff that I haven't heard before.
- Thank you.
- The writing is fantastic.
Oh, stop.
And, you know, it's really, really good, and I enjoyed it.
Oh, thank you.
Appreciate that.
You have a sarcastic undertone, which I really appreciate.
I dig that a lot, and despite your last name, you're doing great things.
Yeah.
You have a very wry, intelligent point of view and this very kind of laid-back delivery.
My only critique would be that there were moments where you kind of, like, drifted away.
- Like the mic was too heavy? - Yeah, like-- yeah.
Like, you-- Yeah, exactly.
Like your hand-- And I was like, okay.
We kind of can't hear you, and it makes you have to work a little harder to get the audience back.
So you want me to be louder? No, I wasn't trying to zing you.
I just was out-- - Now, you see how that worked? You see how well that worked? I don't like the way you give me such a hard time, Keenan.
That is Joe Zimmerman, y'all! Thank you.
Coming up, a comic with ears in the strangest place Tell it to my balls! And later, a loving father discusses the joys of raising a teenager daughter.
Oh, my God! That guy just got shot in the face.
Oh, my God! I can't find my charger.
Same, same.
And Roseanne gets real with a comic.
You did the worst thing in the world at the top of your set.
I'm gonna really get all over people's ass for this, because I just hate it.
Welcome back Last Comic Standing! Okay, it's time now to get a closeup and personal look at our next comic.
Watch this.
I'm Tim, and this is my wife Mary, and we are both comedians in Minneapolis.
And we're also friends.
I'm not just your wife.
I'm a person.
I think we're very Midwestern.
We're Midwestern because we like to fish and eat.
We canned our own salsa this year.
We met at the 2003 funniest person in the Twin Cities contest at Acme Comedy Company.
We were competing against each other, and I thought-- - He won.
- Yeah.
Just say it.
Okay, I won, and you got third.
And then he told my friend, oh, she got robbed.
She should have got second.
I said that, but I-- That's when the crush started, because I thought she was really funny and I thought she was really attractive.
This is the bar at Acme where we met 11 years ago.
He asked me out, and then I said no.
Then, like, six months later, he presented me with a cheese box.
I knew she was from Wisconsin, and I think that in Wisconsin, it's like giving a woman, like, a diamond really, essentially-- a cheese basket.
Here's to you coming in third on Last Comic Standing.
I'm watching you, Harmston.
Please welcome Tim Harmston! I married a comedian.
Yeah.
If-- Yeah, people always say, uh, wow.
It must be so much fun at your house.
It must be nonstop laughter all the time.
And I'm like, well, she's still a woman Oh! Compassionate and understanding-- If you'd let me finish.
The other question that people ask is when are you gonna have kids? You know, when are the kids coming? I don't know.
It's expensive! It's really expensive, but they try to guilt you into it, you know? They're like, oh, yeah, Tim, if you don't have your own child, who's gonna take care of you when you grow really old? And I'm like, you know what? It's gonna be that super hot Swedish nurse that I hire using the money I saved by not having children.
And then they're like, but she's not gonna love you the same way your own child will.
I'm like, I know.
That's why it's so expensive! I've been coloring my own hair.
That's a degrading activity that apparently is just for men.
Here's how it works.
You open the box up, and then you strip down naked, or that's how I do it.
You put on these oversized disposable gloves like you're making a $5 foot-long.
You shake it up.
You rub it in.
Now, look, your eyes are gonna water up because of the toxic fumes, but that's okay because you don't want to see the mirror in front of you reveal a 42-year-old comedian with auburn brown rivers of shame running down his forehead, dripping onto a pale, distended white belly, creating what appears to be a pantsless chocolate sundae.
Thank you guys very much.
I'm Tim Harmston.
Tim Harmston! I don't understand how you're married to a comic, you know, 'cause you're always trying to one-up each other.
"Guess what happened to me today?" "Guess what happened to me today," you know? So I think you got a lot of-- Great potential ahead of you too.
Thank you.
You're immediately very likeable.
My only thing was, it felt inconsistent.
Like, there was one character you were doing, which was the guy who would say something off and then correct the audience, and then you went in a different direction, and I just felt like it was inconsistent.
I didn't know which guy I was watching at that moment.
Pick one and shape the act around that persona.
But I think you're a really funny guy.
Yeah, I liked you too.
I thought you were funny.
I thought it was disjointed in a couple places.
We understand how comics think, 'cause we're comics, and, you know, they're like, I'm gonna save my best stuff for when the finals come, but that's not gonna get you in the finals, and so don't save your good stuff till later, 'cause you won't make it later.
You know? Bring it.
Bring it.
Bring it the first time.
Good advice.
Thank you.
Tim Harmston! If I win the $250,000, I'd get those gold fronts - that the rappers have.
- Yeah.
- I love Roseanne.
- Right.
Like, we have the same birthday.
I'm feeling, you know, excited.
My nerves are on end.
I mean, there's so many emotions going on right now, but I just want to get onstage and kill it.
My family's very overprotective.
Like, every time I go back to New York City, my mom's like, be careful.
You know there's men up in New York City mugging.
I'm like, yeah, well, where exactly are they mugging? 'cause I haven't been touched by a man in a long time.
What I love is that my mother thinks I'm muggable.
I'm like, seriously? People are intimidated by me.
I just want to be, like, that vulnerable girl.
Like, you know? Like, that damsel in distress? You know.
Right? My fantasy is to be in a dark alley at, like, have some creepy dude down there and just be like, oh, my God.
Right? And I'm so concerned, I have to call my friend-- Oh, Teresa, there's a man, and I don't think I'm gonna make it, girl! But the reality is, if I was in the alley with a guy at 4:00 in the morning, he'd be down there going, Oh, my God.
Teresa! Thank you, guys! Thank you.
I thought you were very fierce.
What I like the most about you is that you are not afraid to be vulnerable and put it out there, and that's, like, awesome.
Thank you.
Thank you.
The only thing I don't like about being married is that my single friends are always bragging about all their casual hookups right in front of me.
They're like, dude, last weekend, I hooked up with two chicks at once, and I'm like, oh, man.
My weekend was, like, monogamy.
They're like, dude, we're taking you to the strip club tonight, and I'm like, oh, I'm so there, but it's our cat's birthday.
So, like, either way, I'm gonna have a little tail on my lap.
Think of it like this.
With my hat on, it looks like I might be a college student.
With my hat off, it looks like I might kidnap a college student.
It was crazy.
When I was younger, we didn't have a lot of money, so I couldn't even afford to come out of the closet 'cause-- Yeah, we lived in an efficiency, so I had to come out from behind a curtain that separated the kitchen from the living room.
I got something to tell you! This is fun, huh? This isn't even the weirdest gig I've ever done.
I performed comedy at an atheist convention recently.
An atheist convention, and it was amazing, because I had been praying for an opportunity like that.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Sometimes I wish that I had more confidence, you know? Because I work with, like, really confident guys, you know, who sometimes have no reason to be that confident, but, like, really confident dudes.
And I wish I was like them.
You know, there's things I would do.
I'd like to have a catchphrase.
I think that could be amazing.
I'm working on one.
I do need to work it into conversation, so I'm gonna ask you a question.
What do you do for a living? Tell it to my balls! Whoo-hoo! Yeah.
Thank you, guys.
Can I be perfectly honest with you? - Yes.
- I threw that in tonight.
You don't have to tell that to me.
Tell it to my balls! The only thing I would tell you, I would just tighten it up a little bit because there was, like, 45 seconds with nothing, and I think that's too long, you know? Sure, but if they're applauding, I'm gonna let them do that.
Yeah, but I'm talking about you were talking a lot, and you had a lot of words.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
Yeah, I'm just saying get to it faster.
Yeah, sure.
I thought you meant just 45 seconds of me standing here like-- - Tell it to my balls.
- Oh, man! - But I love it.
That's definitely the joke of the night, you know? That was funny.
Coming up, a comic makes a keen observation about fashion.
Rednecks and gay dudes hate each other.
What they hate more than each other? Sleeves.
Keep it going! Keep it going! All right, let's get our next comic onstage, y'all.
Give it up for Nikki Carr, y'all.
The Bronx! Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm so happy to be here.
Thank God this is one of them-- This isn't one of them shows where you have to be sexy to get on.
No, no.
I knew when I was a child I was not gonna grow up to be sexy.
There were clues everywhere.
I've been this same size since I was seven years old.
True story.
This is how I look in all my school pictures.
Looked like two teachers in the class.
Just big and mad for no reason.
Every picture, I'm the biggest one, standing next to the flag.
But in spite of everything, do you know people still want to give me advice on things to do to be more sexy? Go on a diet.
How could anybody go on a diet as good as food is? Food is delicious! Yeah! And listen, I'm not greedy or anything, but I am dedicated, you know? I mean dedicated like the last thing I think about at night is what I'm gonna eat for breakfast in the morning.
You know what I'm saying? Sometimes if it's gonna be something really good, I can't even sleep.
I got to get up in the middle of the night and fix it.
So they say, well, change the things that you eat.
Stop eating pork.
I said, stop right there! Can I at least eat bacon? I love bacon! They say, why won't you try turkey bacon? I said, because I am 100% sure that you cannot mate a pig with a turkey.
I don't even want to know how you make turkey bacon.
I don't even like interracial breakfast meat.
Thank you.
My name is Nikki.
Nikki Carr, everybody! Let her hear it! You know what I like about you is that you owned who you are.
- Yes.
- And you let us have it.
- And I, too, love pork.
- Yes.
It's delicious! I really liked your presence, and I liked your energy, and I like the stuff that you talk about.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
- Good job, Nikki.
- Thank you.
Yeah, you know, Nikki, when you first came out, your rhythm reminded me of Bernie Mac a little bit, you know? He had such a great attitude, and you have such a great attitude onstage.
My only note to you would be I wanted to see more about you, and I think the food bit took up more time - than it should have.
- Yes.
But I thought that your stage presence was great, and I really enjoyed you.
I like that you said that about Bernie Mac, but I think you're right.
It was just, like, all so real, you know? It was just, like, right now - Yes.
- And you were-- - It was in the moment.
- You were bringing it, yeah.
It was right in the moment.
- It was excellent.
- I appreciate you all.
Thank you very, very much.
Thank you.
From the Bronx, Nikki Carr! Good job.
Keenan compared me to the great Bernie Mac, and not just in looks like everybody else does.
Please welcome Billy Wayne Davis, y'all! Billy Wayne Davis! I'm from a small town in Tennessee.
I left as soon as I graduated.
I threw the hat up.
I was, like, 45 miles outside of town before that thing landed.
But I go back to see my family, and last time I was there, I ran into some old friends, some friends that left and never came back like I did and some friends that never left, and you can tell who they are right away, 'cause they've gained, like, 400 pounds and their kids have already dropped out of high school.
I'm 33.
Do that math real quick.
They can't.
We're all hanging out.
In the middle of the conversation, one of my friends that never left looked up to see one of my friends that had left walking up.
Middle of the conversation he went Holy ghost! I haven't seen him in a coon's age.
And we were like, nope, no, no.
You cannot say that.
That is racist.
Without missing a beat, he's like, I don't think it is, man.
I've been saying it for years.
And that doesn't help your argument at all.
He's like, Google it, and he pulled out an iPhone, 'cause evidentially anybody can get one.
And he typed in "coon's age.
" It turns out he's right.
The term "coon's age" comes from the 1800s when people thought that raccoons lived forever.
That's amazing to me, that the origin of "coon's age" is even dumber than racism.
Rednecks and gay dudes hate each other.
You can Google that.
A bunch of stuff pops up.
What I've noticed is what they hate more than each other-- sleeves.
You guys are awesome.
I'm Billy Wayne Davis.
Thank you so much.
Billy Wayne Davis over here! Well, I thought you were real funny.
I like the way you built your set too.
Thank you.
I thought you connected with the audience real quick.
You know, it was stuff I've never heard anybody do before.
You had good timing and good writing, and, you know, I enjoyed it.
Thank you very much.
I like when I hear a joke that makes me go, what? And then you-- Okay, got you.
You know what I mean? Your writing is great.
I think you know what you're doing up there.
- Good job.
- Thank you.
I loved your confidence.
I thought you played a very dangerous game coming out and being really, really laid-back, but obviously you were confident in your material and knew where it was gonna go.
So I like comedians who don't sweat, and you definitely didn't sweat, so good job.
Thank you, guys.
Billy Wayne Davis, y'all.
Billy Wayne Davis! This is the toughest night so far.
I know.
- Really so many good ones, man.
- Yeah.
Coming up, a comic earns the wrath of Roseanne.
You did the worst thing in the world at the top of your set.
You're asking the audience to do your work for you.
It's so lazy.
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
Keep it going for New Jersey's own Mike Gaffney! I don't want kids.
That's what I'm coming up to.
I don't want kids at all.
Like, at all.
Problem is, I already have two kids.
Yeah.
Now I don't want them.
I love them.
I just don't want them.
My daughter talks too much.
I have no idea what's she saying.
She's got a lot going on.
Girls have a lot going on.
Like, look at you! I'm looking at you.
You got a lot going on.
You're just thinking.
Head is going.
So much happening.
My son, he has got nothing going on.
Nothing.
He's like a coma patient.
The stuff that comes out of his mouth-- He came home the other day with his gym bag.
In the gym bag were flip-flops.
Like, dad, my flip-flop broke.
Takes the broken flip-flop, throws it in the garbage, takes the other flip-flop, puts it back in the bag.
No, no, no.
No, no, no! Why? Why? 'Cause that one's not broke, dad! He said it like I messed up.
Like I messed up.
Like he got me.
Got him! That one's not broke, dad! What, are you planning on losing a foot? Want me to eBay search a left flip-flop? Oh, it's so frustrating.
And I'm a recovering-- Just so you know, I'm a recovering drug addict.
I haven't had a drink or a drug in 21 years.
Do you unders-- No! No! No, it's not fun.
We're not celebrating.
I got to take everything my kids say right in the face every day.
I can't go throw back a scotch and a Vicodin, shoot some heroin.
No, I don't got that luxury.
No, everything they say-- Right in the face! Have you ever talked to a teenage girl? It's very fast.
It's very It comes in very rapid.
You don't even know.
You don't even know.
You don't even know.
It's always code red too.
It's always, oh, my God! Everything is, oh, my God! Oh, my God! That guy just got shot in the face.
Oh, my God! I can't find my charger.
Same, same.
They're the same.
My name is Mike Gaffney.
Thank you guys so much.
Right in the face, Mike Gaffney, y'all! Thank you.
You're like a throwback to Jackie Gleeson.
It's like, you're going to the moon! I loved it.
I loved it.
I have four daughters as well, so I know all about the charger and the info coming in fast.
All of it-- Very, very funny.
It was a great set.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I thought it was a great set.
You have-- again, you have a very fresh take on children and raising them.
I felt like it took you a minute to get into your rhythm.
That'd be my only critique for you, is just jump on 'em and keep 'em up there, you know? All right, thanks.
Thank you.
You know, at first, I was worried about you, 'cause I was like, what? And then-- 'cause it took a while, but then as you were going, I realized, he's just planting the seeds to come around for a great big harvest, and that's exactly what you did.
Boy, you were getting pissed off, and I was totally relating.
I have five kids, and that's how I feel every day, and I loved it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- That's Mike Gaffney, y'all! - Thank you.
First I'm gonna call my daughter.
Then I'm just gonna let it go.
It's I did what I can do.
All right.
I think I look amazing.
The judges are all holograms.
Am I afraid that Roseanne's gonna yell at me? Yeah, 100%.
100%, but that's fine.
You know what? If Roseanne yells at you, you've won.
I do not know how.
What is going on, everybody? How are you guys doing? Yes! Killing it.
You have to do things in this economy to save a little bit of money.
Like, I did something fairly stupid.
I traded in a perfectly good moving vehicle that got me from here to there for a Vespa.
Hang tight.
Story gets bad.
You'd say, hey, JC, how long does it take you to get from one side of town to another in a car? What about on a Vespa? 4 1/2 days.
But I kept it because I was saving so much money on gas, and in this economy, you have to save money.
A Vespa has 37 miles to the gallon.
Whoo! 37 miles to the gallon.
Just a heads up in case any of you are buying, it has one gallon.
So if you need me, I'll be at a gas station.
Thank you.
I thought you had a good set.
I thought people liked you a lot.
- You got a lot of energy.
- Thanks, girl.
But you did the worst thing in the world at the top of your thing.
I'm gonna really get all over people ass for this because I just hate it when people come out and say, hey, how you doing? I hate people that start their act that way.
You're asking the audience to do your work for you.
- It's so lazy.
- That's fair.
I mean, you gotta come out there and have a joke for them.
They're the audience.
You don't ask them, hey, how-- It just bugs me.
I used to do it all the time too, but I got-- I got the same lecture from Rodney, and I think it's true.
- Dangerfield? I get you.
- Yeah.
But keep working, 'cause I think you're good, and I enjoyed it.
I ain't mad at that.
I ain't mad at that.
I go to a thug barbershop in my neighborhood.
That's where I get my hair cut.
The thug barbershop's the only place you go to get your hair cut, and right after he's done, the guy who just cut your hair makes fun of the haircut that he just gave you.
I was out there the other day.
The guy cuts my hair.
Right afterwards, he looks at me.
He goes, oh, snap! Goes, you look like Bobby from King Of The Hill, son.
I love being married.
I just hate that I got the same ghetto friends from before I got married.
You know, like when my homegirl first met my husband, she was like, oh, my God, girl! You got you a Asian man, huh? 'Cause that's how she talks.
She can't stop moving.
She be like, what? Here's a legal drug I have a problem with, cigarettes.
I had to stop smoking cigarettes.
You know how-- yeah.
You know how hard that is? It's hard.
It's hard.
I still smoke cigarettes.
That's how hard it is.
I haven't even stopped a little bit.
I smoke more than I ever did.
My wife and I-- we just got a new puppy.
We got a new puppy.
It's been really exciting.
Some people got mad at us, though.
They were like, why'd you get a new puppy? You got to get a rescue dog, and I don't understand where they're coming from.
Like, I think it's important to have rescue animals.
That's a great thing, it's really important.
But I've had rescue animals my whole life.
Like, I was like, I just want one fresh one, one time.
Can't I just have one brand-new one that I can mess up and somebody else can rescue it later? Yeah, so technically it's still a rescue dog, just not right now.
I have never seen anything like you before in my whole life.
You're one of a kind.
You're-- you know, you're real original.
I just loved it.
Fantastic.
Thanks so much.
Yeah! Coming up, Keenan gives a young comic his props.
You are what comedy is supposed to be.
And later, find out which comics are advancing to the semifinals.
Moving on to the semifinals is We're back to Last Comic Standing! We having a ball up in here! All right, let's get our next comic onstage.
Monroe Martin's in the building, y'all.
Monroe! Thank you.
Thank you.
Let me tell you a little about myself.
I grew up in foster care.
Most people don't know what that is, so I always have to explain, and I tell 'em foster care is a program where they take children from homes where they're being abused and neglected.
They take 'em out of that environment and place 'em in the same exact environment.
One of my first foster parents was a 72-year-old Christian woman who balanced it out with a lot of alcohol.
She liked a lot of gin with her Jesus.
That's how she got down every Saturday.
She would get drunk, say the most random things, but tell me it came from the Bible.
She would say things like, the Bible says if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for that day, but if you take a man fishing and drown him, he would never ask you for a piece of fish again.
I just learned that my foster mom made $750 a month just to take care of me.
If I'd had known that as a kid, she would have never been able to punish me.
It's like, Monroe, you been acting up in school.
You can't watch TV for a week.
I say, I can't watch TV? Woman, I pay the cable bill.
My mom-- she stole a lot.
That was her thing.
She was the type of person you had to pat down after a hug.
My mom would steal and bring me with her, but I never knew I was doing anything wrong, because she made it fun.
There was this little game we'd play called "Hold This.
" To this day, I'll look back like, what the hell did I need queen-sized panty hose for? I'm named after my dad, which is weird, because my dad was in prison.
I didn't find that out till I was a teenager, 'cause all the adults in my life, they tried to sugarcoat it.
They told me him and his partner moved up north to a gated community.
It sucks being named after your dad, especially when he's a criminal, 'cause when you pass down a name, you're passing down the goals and legacies that kid must reach.
My dad did absolutely nothing with his life, so all I had to do was learn to walk, and I beat him.
Y'all been awesome.
My name is Monroe Martin.
Monroe Martin! Fellow brother from the city of brotherly love.
Brotherly love! You are what comedy is supposed to be, so you took-- You took this dark world and found all the humor and presented it to us and made us laugh, but the fact that you were brave enough to come up and share that part of you? You came out, you started talking about foster care, and then in my head, I was like, I wonder if he's gonna tell us about his mom and dad? And you did.
You took us to where we wanted to go, and it was insightful and funny.
Congratulations.
That was a great set, buddy.
Thank you.
Yeah, I agree with both guys.
- You brought the pain - Yeah.
and you showed us how you lived through it.
You showed us how you survived it, and you put it way in the past by laughing it out of existence.
That's a really transcendent gift that you have, and, you know, I'd like to see you get even more pissed off.
It was great.
Monroe Martin, everybody! Monroe! I killed.
I had fun.
Great responses from the judges.
Like, I almost cried, almost came to tears.
I was like, mm.
And now it's time for the judges to pick who will be moving on to the semifinals, keep their dream alive of being anointed the Last Comic Standing! The results are next.
- This guy was so good.
- Yeah.
- I loved her too.
- This guy was good.
I saw holes in it.
His beginning was slow, but once he got into the meat of his stuff, I thought he was really funny.
- He's good - He did the silent-- And he's a solid comic, but I'm-- - He's like a good rogue comic.
- Yeah.
- You know? - Mm-hmm.
This is hard.
Oh! I've got to cool myself off on this one.
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
Tonight our invitational round comes to a close.
Here we go.
Moving on to the semifinals and taking one step closer to winning $250,000, an NBC television deal, and the title of Last Comic Standing is Karlous Miller! I feel great about moving on to the semifinal round.
Karlous Miller.
I'm in a round with a lot of great comedians, so it's like now I got to figure out how I can maneuver through that and win this thing.
The next comic moving on to the semifinals is tell it to my balls! Deanne Smith! Whoo! Now that I know that I've advanced, I feel just, like, so much relief.
Now I have to get my head around what's coming next.
Oh, man.
Pressure's on.
Nikki Carr from the Bronx! I couldn't believe it.
I lost my mind completely.
I still feel like I'm dreaming, and, you know, I just hope that I wake up with $250,000.
Tommy Ryman! When I heard my name called, I was super-excited, because my ultimate goal in this competition would be to win it, so it was awesome.
Yamaneika Saunders! Oh, my God, I don't know what just happened.
I feel like a million bucks.
It's all love, baby! I think I'm gonna be the Last Comic Standing and then saying, can you bring me a chair? 'Cause I've been standin' for a long time, or just sit on the $250,000.
That's cushiony.
Mike Gaffney.
I just wanted to cry.
I wanted to fall down and cry.
It's, like, nice recognition.
I just-- I'm looking forward to that opportunity.
The judges' final choice tonight, grabbing our last spot in the semifinals is Monroe Martin, y'all! I was like, yeah, I'm gonna win that money.
I need that money so I can buy some rims.
And there you have it.
Good night! We'll see you next week! Last Comic Standing! Seven comedians from tonight's final invitational show have moved on out of the 100 best and brightest comics.
A grand total of 28 have been chosen to go through to the semifinals.