My Family (2000) s08e03 Episode Script

- Zelda Nobbs?! - I'm sorry? Zel Who's Zelda Nobbs? She's just someone I've been seeing professionally.
- A psychiatrist? - No, she's a Why would you say that? Never mind.
Anyway, I've just been looking at these bank statements and it seems that Zelda Nobbs has taken L300 of my money.
Our money.
It's a joint account.
I earnt it.
I worked hard for it, and if I choose to spend it on a psychic, that's my business.
A psychic?! What, a fortune-teller? - Yes, and she's brilliant.
- Well, she saw you coming, that's for sure.
I'm telling you, she has a gift.
Yes, 300 quid of my money.
She's bound to be expensive, she's a genuine Romany.
Oh, obviously.
With a name like Zelda Nobbs you can practically hear the saucepans clanking on the back of a caravan.
She happens to be the seventh daughter of a seventh daughter.
And we're paying for them all, apparently! Look I live with you day in, day out, and if I want to spend a little time with someone who paints a slightly less bleak picture of the future, then I will! You realise you're only holding a carrot, don't you? This is ridiculous.
You're just wasting money.
We can't predict the future.
If we could, we wouldn't have had Nick.
I don't think anyone could have predicted Nick.
I'm just saying that some people have psychic powers.
Mm, yes.
I know, I feel it.
Yes, I can see something, it's coming through I see us in the future, broke and eating fired chicken out of a skip.
Oh, I see something else.
I see something else.
You are about to become part of a pointless, inane conversation.
Morning, Abi.
Morning, Roger.
(Both) Morning.
Susan, remember our wedding, when you said any time we had a problem we could come and talk about it? Yes, but I didn't mean it.
The thing is, we've got a bit of a situation.
- Problems in the bedroom? - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
There's no problems in that department, is there, Abi? No.
It's great.
I recall the words, "love tiger," "sexual beast" and, er, "rampant palomino" being screamed out.
I never said that.
Who said you did? Thanks for the mental picture.
Our problem, Susan, is that Roger's getting all angry and upset about me going out with my mates.
Explain to her, Susan.
I'm her mate now, she shouldn't need anybody else.
Come on, Roger, she needs some mental stimulation.
Look, if Abi wants to go out with her friends, why don't you go out with yours? You do have friends, don't you? Ha! Loads! So many.
I don't know who I'd talk to first.
I'm talking about friends we can all see, Roger.
I think I have the answer.
Michael, don't you think that's a bit demeaning to women? No, Janey.
That's demeaning to women.
Oh, my God! I think I went to school with her.
Michael, are you still meeting with your uni friends tomorrow night? - Yes and no.
- How can it be yes and no? Yes, I'm going out with them, and no to whatever you're going to ask me next.
Do you want me to start cleaning under your mattress? All right.
What is it? - Can Roger tag along? - Oh, no! No No, no.
It would be too much fun.
I mean, I wouldn't want to deprive Abi.
Oh no! Abi'll be thrilled! Ho ho! It's gonna be great! It's definitely gonna be something.
It's gonna be a real rough and tumble night out with the boys.
Not really, we're just going out for a quiet drink.
- Oh, right.
So where are we going? - The Rose and Crown.
I thought you said you were going to the Woodman.
Oh yes, so we are.
So, how many of us boys are there gonna be altogether? Only about four or five.
You know how it works - I buy a round, you buy a round, Giles buys a round, you buy a round, Adam buys a round, you buy a round.
Er Wait a minute.
That's not right.
I'm the guest.
I should get the first round as well.
Ben, you remember this morning when you were raking me over the coals about that L300? - Mm-hm.
- Why have you taken out 470? Mm-mm, mm-mm-mm-mm.
- L470? - Mm-mm-mm-mm.
(Humming) (Mutters) - You spent our money on an ogre? - No.
(Mutters) Poker.
- It's a game for losers.
- That is not true! Actually, you're right.
There appears to be only one loser.
Susan Poker is a game of skill and intellect.
Which explains why you're losing.
I don't just take out money, you know.
I pay in my winnings as well.
Mm.
L5.
70.
Let's retire.
Look, Susan, I work day in, day out for this family, and I want you to know that if I want to spend, you know, three hours a week with some friends who win my money, as opposed to my family who take my money, you know what? I'm entitled.
You'd be a lot more intimidating if that weren't a toothbrush.
- Seriously, Ben, you have a problem.
- Oh-ho-ho! Oh, that is rich! Coming from someone who can't go three days without a fix from some old biddy with a snow globe.
Don't be ridiculous! I can stop seeing Zelda when ever I like.
Oh, really? Well, prove it.
Stop seeing her.
All right.
You have to stop gambling.
No problem.
Easy-peasy.
- There's no way you're gonna stop gambling.
- Mm-hm? Really? - You're too weak-willed.
- Oh yeah? You won't last a week.
Wanna bet? (Chuckles) Here we are.
Not there! Thank you.
Ah Mm.
Ooh! This is quite a rush.
I think I can feel my head starting to spin already.
That's your first drink.
Well, I'm pacing myself.
I wanna have my wits about me for when the bar brawl starts.
What are you looking at? I phoned Abi, she's fine.
- That's the third time in 20 minutes.
- You've got to forget Abi and enjoy yourself.
- Exactly.
- Come on, Rog.
You are right.
- Boys' night out! - Yeah! So, Roger.
Chelsea on the box tomorrow.
You gonna be watching? Oh, yes.
Abi and I never miss the flower show.
- The flower show? - Oh, God.
You're probably talking about the football team, right? How do you feel about them switching to 4-4-2 last week? Wounded.
Betrayed.
To be honest, I wept.
- Your break, Roger.
- Oh! Thank you.
Right - (Thud) - Ooh! Now look Before you start anything, I think you should know, I'm here with my mates.
So just watch it, all right? Right, I'm off.
Now, remember, I've got a showing at the gallery tonight, so I won't be home till late.
Don't worry, I'm taking care of dinner.
In the sense of opening the door to the delivery man.
No, in the sense of asking Janey to answer the door to the delivery man.
- Well, good luck with that.
- Bye-bye.
- Have a good day.
- You too.
Have a good exhibition.
- Thanks.
Bye.
- Bye-bye! Have a good time! Ronnie? Ronnie, um, yes.
Ben Harper.
Yeah.
Ronnie, I'm in, for tonight.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Where's the game? Uh-huh, I'll be there.
Yeah, great.
Bye.
Yeah! Bye.
Yeah! Oh dear, dear, dear, dear, dear.
- Someone's being a naughty boy.
- Oh, hello, Mikey.
So, Mum's managed to kick her habit but you're still on board the riverboat.
Mikey, Mikey It's not a OK? It's not a problem.
It's just a little game of cards, you know, with a few friends.
You know, we play for matches.
- I suppose that's all right.
- Yeah, course it is, yeah.
You couldn't lend me 50 quid, could you, Mikey? - That's one expensive box of matches.
- Yeah, look, cards on the table, OK? All right, we play for money.
And I have lost a bit recently but you know, Mikey, come on, hey! My luck's about to change, so You were always my favourite, you know, Mikey.
Well, all right.
But you'll have to learn to take responsibility for yourself, stand on your own two feet.
I won't always be here to bail you out.
- That's great - Usual terms? Yeah, usual terms.
Thank you.
Sucker! Hi, Janey.
Hi, darling.
Darling, love, could you lend me 50 quid? What? Well, I've asked Michael but you know what a tight wad he is.
Janey, you know? You were always my favourite.
What do you say, eh? 50 quid? - Hey, this is a new twist.
- Mm.
Well, I see what you mean now.
It is annoying when people ask you for money.
You want me to beg, don't you? You want me to beg.
Here I go.
Daddy's begging.
Here he goes.
Beggy-beggy-beggy.
Beggy-beggy-beggy-beggy-beggy.
Go on.
what do you say? 50 quid, eh? Oh, I like this.
Do you know what, Dad? The more you beg me, the better I feel about myself.
- You're not gonna lend it to me, are you? - No, I'm not.
Wow! That feels fantastic! So powerful.
Thanks, Dad.
Anything I can do to help.
Ah.
Now, this is interesting.
Somebody close to you is going to have a bit of a windfall.
How close? Close enough for me to enjoy it? - I can't see - Look harder! It doesn't really work like that, Susan.
Right.
Ah.
Yes, this is also good news, it's a travel opportunity.
I see a trip to a foreign country for somebody you know well.
So, loads of money and trips abroad for my friends, but none for me.
Lovely.
(Chuckles) I'm so sorry, Susan, it's just - Oh! - What? It's nothing.
Let's just leave it for today, shall we? In fact, don't even pay me for today.
Let's take a break, shall we, for a couple of weeks? Maybe even months? No, no, no, no, no.
You sensed something.
Touch me again, tell me what it is.
No, I'm sorry.
It's just that I I don't usually have visions that are quite so specific.
Come on, Zelda, tell me! It must be something terrible.
Well, that depends on how fond you are of your husband.
I don't believe it.
Ben's cheating on me.
No, no.
Actually, he's going to die.
Oh, thank God! Wait.
Die? - When? - This Thursday.
Er at 9:04pm.
Ah.
You're home early.
How was the gallery? The what? Oh, no, it was fine.
Fine, fine.
- Where have you been? - Out.
I thought you were gonna stay in.
I was gonna stay in but I thought, why stay in when you can go out? So I went.
Out.
Where? Out.
Hey! Do you fancy dinner on Friday? This Friday? Erm, er Any chance of making it Wednesday? No, no, no.
I'm busy on Wednesday.
I can make Thursday.
Can we make it lunch? You all right? No, actually.
I went to see that stupid bloody woman this evening.
Oh, how is your mother? - Not her, Zelda.
- Zelda?! Oh, Susan! Susan, I can't say I'm not disappointed.
I know, you were absolutely right about her.
Thank you.
What did I say? I mean, these so-called clairvoyants, they pick on gullible, weak-minded people and and not so gullible, strong-minded people like you and what do they do? They exploit them.
- I feel such a fool.
- It's all right, darling, calm down.
I love you and I forgive you.
- Thank you.
Where's your watch? - Mm? - Your watch.
- What watch? The one I gave you for our anniversary three years ago.
Oh, that's where it came from.
- I paid over L300 for it.
- 300 quid! I could have stayed in the game! - Game? - I am if you are.
You know what I mean.
- Are you still paying poker? - You're seeing a fortune-teller, you tell me.
Ben, I don't care that you lost the watch.
Gamble all you like.
It doesn't bother me.
What? You're not angry? No, no, no.
Play your poker all you want.
What? Sorry, what's going on here? It's that Zelda woman, isn't it? - No.
- She said something, didn't she? No, and anyway, it doesn't matter because it's all nonsense.
What did she say? You really wanna know? - Yes.
- Oh, it's ridiculous.
Zelda just said you were gonna die, that's all.
Sorry, what? She said you were going to die.
- Isn't that hilarious! - It is funny.
That is really funny.
I mean, that's an insight, isn't it? What a revelation.
Newsflash! We're all gonna die! Well, exactly! These predictions, they're all so general, they're never specific.
When did she say I was gonna die, tomorrow? Next week, next month, next year? Or some time in the future? This Thursday, 9:04pm.
That's That's quite specific.
Anyway Well It's all rubbish! Course it's rubbish! What other little gems did she come out with then? Oh, something stupid about "a travel opportunity for someone we know well.
" There you go, it's all rubbish.
I mean, I'm gonna be around for a long while yet, Susan.
It's gonna be a long time before the Grim Reaper comes knocking on my door.
- (Knocking) - Come in! You don't have to sound so keen! Hi.
Bit of good news - Giles invited me to spend summer at his parents' place in Tuscany.
Cool, eh? Sleep well.
A travel opportunity for someone we know well.
Yes, but how well do we really know Michael? So - Yeah, it's crazy, isn't it? - Yeah.
So, do you have that money I lent you? You don't believe all that guff, do you, Michael? Course not.
Seriously, though, have you got it? Michael, it's all nonsense, all right? Actually, I think there's a lot we don't understand.
Remember Mr Carlisle, my old history teacher? Oh! No.
He was sceptical when he was told a lot of money would be coming his way but he stopped laughing when it happened.
Really? He got rich? No, he was hit by a Securicor van.
That's funny.
That's funny.
You really kill me No, you don't kill me.
You don't kill me.
Ronnie.
Ronnie, hello, yeah.
It's Ben.
Harper.
Don't call me that, Ronnie.
I don't like the nickname "Cashpoint".
OK? Yeah.
Erm, listen, the game.
Yeah, tell the boys it's tonight at my place.
And Ronnie Ronnie.
Bring the watch.
I've got a felling my luck is about to change.
- You're playing poker here? - Yeah, why not? You said it would be OK.
You know what? Have fun, enjoy yourself.
Oh, thank you.
Could you at least win? I don't want to be left with nothing.
Hello, Roger.
How did the other night go? Some blokes' night out that was.
It was a disaster! And that pub violence thing is very overrated.
Well, if you're looking for something blokish, Roger, there's always poker.
- No, no - Ben, why don't you ask Roger - if he'd like to play the game tonight? no, please, no, Susan.
Look, poker is meant to be a game of fun and it won't be with this halfwit hanging around.
- No offence, Roger.
- None taken.
- It would be good karma for you.
- Karma? - Just in case.
- With this I've got 36 hours of Would you just let me live in p Oh, all right, fine.
Roger.
- Do you know how to play poker? - No, haven't a clue.
(Both laugh) Help yourselves to drinks, boys, all right? Ice in the fridge.
Here we go.
Take that off, Roger, that looks really stupid.
Sorry.
I'm so excited.
Playing cards in a proper card game! All right, all right.
Calm down.
And Roger, don't Don't say snap, don't say twist and don't ask for Mrs Bun the Baker's Wife.
Got it.
So, all these chaps are fairly new to the game? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're all novices.
Well, except him.
He's played once or twice.
Ah, good.
Cos I'd hate to think I was just here to be fleeced.
Fleeced? - (Laughter) - As if we'd do that, Rog.
Now, all you've got to look out for is the tell.
- The tell? - It's a giveaway sign that some players make that shows you they're holding a good hand.
- I see.
- OK? They can be really subtle.
You know, bead of sweat, microscopic twitch, involuntary movement of the hand.
Right.
(Faint whimper) - I'm out.
- I'm out.
I'm in.
(Singing merrily) You finished early.
Have I? Oh yes, because look at the time.
You got the watch back.
Mm, and look at this little windfall.
Oh my God, you won! There's no pleasing you, is there? I lose, you moan, I win, you moan.
You don't get it.
Zelda's right again.
She said somebody very close to me would have a windfall.
- You didn't tell me that.
- Well, I never thought it would be you.
She was right about the money, she was right about Michael's trip.
You don't think she was right about you as well? No.
No.
No What time does she close? (American accent) Er, look, I know it's late I'm sorry.
- Can I help you? - Yes.
Um, my name's Frank.
Frank, er, Zodiac.
- Frank Zodiac? - Yeah.
I was just passing by and I thought you might give me a quick reading.
- Ben? - Hm? - I know who you are.
- You What? How? Well, I did a ritualistic cleansing with Susan and we, er, burnt your photograph.
Also, Frank Zodiac is a really stupid name.
Yeah, well your stupid mumbo jumbo is just sort of beginning to freak me out.
So what I'd like you to do is ring up the people you speak to, you know, out there, and tell them that this has all been a terrible mistake.
Yeah, I don't speak to the other side, Ben, I'm merely a channel for cosmic forces.
I'm an interpreter, that's all.
But my gifts allow me to see events which, based on certain influences, may or may not happen.
And sometimes, external forces come into play and change events in a way which I can't predict.
Whoa.
Worth every penny, aren't you? So, what you're saying is that I might die - or I might not - Yes.
And it might be tomorrow or it might not.
- Yes.
- And it might be 9:04 or it might not.
Exactly.
I hope that's been of some help to you.
It might have been or it might not.
Where's Dad? He was up late last night, he's having a lie-in.
You'd think he'd be up and about, considering the lie-in he's gonna get after 9:04.
Not funny, Michael.
He's worried sick.
- Mum, it's all nonsense.
- I know.
I know.
- That's not all for Dad, is it? - It's a treat.
Breakfast in bed.
He'll be dead by lunch time if he eats all that lot.
Ohh Have you seen Roger? He never came home last night.
And that's a bad thing why? I'm really worried.
I'm scared he might have won a load of money and run off to Skegness to live his dream.
Who lives their dream in Skegness? - You've got to help me look for him.
- No need.
He's under the table.
Oh! Roger, wake up! Don't make me go to school, there are bad boys there.
- Ooh! - Wake up, Roger.
Oh! Hello, sweetheart.
Oh! What a night I had.
Playing hold 'em with the guys.
It's a card game.
Roger, all our holiday money's missing from your Gandalf lunch box.
- I know, I used it for the game.
- And where it is now? Look, Abi, I might have lost all the money but it was worth it.
I've never felt so alive, so so manly! There's even talk of going to a proper casino next week.
Well, you're not going.
No more lads' nights out for you.
I'm sorry, Susan.
I know you did your best but really, I think this is the last time I come to you for advice.
You promise? And as for you, you're staying home with me from now on.
And you can cook your own fish fingers and spaghetti hoops.
And if you think you're sharing my bed, you can forget it.
You're on the couch! Sleeping on the couch, eh? You're a real bloke now.
This is not gonna happen, is it? - Course not.
- Won't happen, won't happen.
I mean, how am I gonna die? Of boredom.
- Fancy a curry? - They won't deliver in time.
Why did she say 9:04? I'm gonna miss The Sopranos.
- I'll record it for you.
- (Chuckles) Sorry.
Do you have regrets? What, apart from not ordering a curry earlier, not really.
What about you? Any unfulfilled wishes? Oh I wish we'd gone to Venice together.
So beautiful.
St Mark's, the Bridge of Sighs, the Doge's Palace.
A little dwarf in a red coat.
- Oh, God.
- This is horrible, sitting here waiting.
I tell you what I tell you what we could do while we're waiting.
- You mean go out with a bang.
- Ooh, you flatterer! Come on, why not? Get your kit off! - Hurry.
- Yeah.
- We've only got a few minutes.
- It's never been a problem before.
Speak for yourself.
Hey! There's a bottle of champagne in the fridge.
- I've been saving that for a special occasion.
- Funny! - I'll get the glasses.
- I'll get the champagne.
Get the glasses.
I've got the champagne.
This is gonna be good.
Come on, let's go! No, no, no, no! Don't waste time going upstairs, right here! What if the kids come home? It'll scar them for life.
I'll be dead.
You deal with it.
Come on.
- Tell you what.
I'll get the champagne - I'll get your trousers.
Oh, please! Take your time, take your time.
No, don't take your time.
Hurry up, hurry up.
- Ah! What are you doing?! - Your zip's stuck.
Oh, God, you idiot! Ah! What are you doing? What are you doing?! (Grunting) - We need to cut it.
- Cut it?! The trousers I hope Susan Come on What are you doing? You're gonna cut them with what? (Susan) Ah! No! Not scissors! For God's sake, Susan, calm down! - Aha! - OK, pliers, pliers, pliers.
Careful, careful, careful.
Careful.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Finger, finger, finger.
Finger Ah! Not finger, not finger.
Just get off.
Come on, Susan.
Let's go, no time.
Let's go.
No Right here, come on.
- No, been there, done that.
- OK, you've done that.
Let's go somewhere else.
Come on! We're running out of time, Susan.
Running out of time.
Come on, baby.
It's just us.
Me and you.
- Oh.
- Typical.
Come on, let's go.
- Oh no! Wait, wait, wait.
- What? - What? - It's the watch.
It still says ten to nine.
You know what this means, don't you? Oh, my God.
I'm dead too.
No! The clock stopped! I'm not dead! It's nearly half past.
- And you're still alive? - Yes, apparently.
Oh! See? I told you.
I told you, it was not going to happen.
- Of course not.
- Whew! Whoo.
What shall we do now? (Chuckles) We'll order that curry.
Well, thankfully your prediction about Ben didn't come true.
(Chuckles) Like we ever thought it would.
Well, I couldn't be more pleased.
Still, we thought we'd let you know that some good has come of it.
Ben and I have just come from the travel agent.
We're going for that long-overdue holiday in Venice.
Oh, that's lovely! You're not thinking of flying, are you?