Portlandia (2011) s08e03 Episode Script
No Thank You
1 - Hi, I'm Bryce Shivers.
- And I'm Lisa Eversman.
Have you ever been invited to something you don't want to go to? But you made the commitment anyway because you felt obligated.
What you do is you wait till the very last second - and then you both: Cancel it! [quietly.]
Ow.
Events like your boss's barbecue.
Cancel it! Your niece's birthday.
[party blower squawks.]
Cancel it.
Allen's open mic.
Just wait until the very last second, and then just cancel it.
You don't have to cancel everything.
It's weird--I was never invited to Allen's open mic.
- Yeah, that is weird.
- Hm.
- Reminder: client dinner.
- Cancel it.
- Dentist appointment.
- Cancel it.
- Couple's counseling.
- Cancel it! - Are you sure? - Yeah.
Do you have plans to see a play with your parents, but you don't wanna go? But you feel guilty because you barely ever see them? - You don't have to go.
- But they're old.
Cancelling is the fastest way to teach the elderly about the uses of technology.
[keys clacking.]
[text message whoosh.]
This is why texting was invented: so you could cancel last-minute.
- Theater with parents.
- Cancel it.
- Breakfast with Diane.
- Cancel it! [buzzer sounding wildly.]
Even if you love your family, we all dread the holidays.
Why not exchange presents in January, when the flights are cheap and the malls are empty? That's right.
You can both: Cancel Christmas! Cancel it! Hey, uh, what are we doing for Christmas? You know, I might be out of town.
Aww.
What's Allen doing here? [camera shutter clicks.]
[Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" playing.]
Yes, I am aware.
It sounds so boring! [soft laugh.]
Cancel it! [buzzer sounding wildly.]
[Washed Out's "Feel It All Around" playing.]
[dreamy chillwave music.]
potato pancakes have been burnt, like a Did they give you a stomachache? [laughing.]
Yeah.
It was like a smashed hockey puck.
What are you looking at? Oh, you know, eh, Tinder, Bumble, the usual.
- Ooh.
- Blah, blah, blah.
Looking for a date? Yeah, you know, single.
It's been a while, so.
I don't know, what do you think of this guy? Um, I think it's weird that he has blurred out someone in the picture.
What if it's just someone random and he, like, didn't get their permission? Well, I have a feeling that's his ex and I think it's aggressive that he blurred her out.
Okay.
What about this? I think this is so funny.
You wanna date a dog? No, I don't wanna date a dog.
He just has a picture of the dog.
He's kind of, like, commenting on the whole culture-- You don't want that.
At least he should show - his own face, don't you think? - Yeah.
Oh, what's the goofy one? That's his whole thing, is he's being funny.
- Do you like funny? - I don't know - what I like anymore.
- You just deserve better.
Whatever you show me, you deserve better.
- What about this guy? - Nope.
No.
- No.
- No.
- Ugh.
- Garbage.
Garbage.
- Garbage.
- Garbage.
- Garbage.
- Garbage.
- Garbage.
- Garbage.
- Garbage.
- Trash.
- No.
- Ugh.
- Garbage.
[together.]
Garbage.
- I think that's a red flag.
- Yeah, good point.
- That's fair.
- These people are all trash compared to what you deserve.
- Oh, she's discouraged.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
You know, me and Carrie are gonna go get some low-key plastic surgery, but I think we're gonna cancel so we can help you get a date.
You guys don't have to cancel your plans.
Like, it's just--it's a string of terrible options.
That's what it is.
I'll be fine.
I'm worried you're not gonna find someone if we're not here to help.
Okay, describe your perfect guy.
Okay, um I guess, like, kind of a squarish-shaped face, dark features in general.
He's Jewish, but, like, wants to be Italian.
Thin-ish You like a tight shirt, right? - Tighten up that shirt.
- Yeah, that's great.
You're not drawing yourself, are you? [smooth musical flourish.]
Do you wanna date this guy? Ohh [upbeat percussive music.]
- Hey! - Hi.
- Hello.
- Uh, we're Steve and Anne.
- We have a reservation.
- Okay.
[mouse clicks.]
Um, little complication We were supposed to meet a couple people here and they literally just texted that they can't make it.
Could the two of us just go in by ourselves? Unfortunately, the room you've got booked has a four-person minimum requirement.
Um, we do have a couple here looking for a few extra players themselves.
[thrilling fanfare.]
Escape room! We're gonna set a record! We're gonna beat you guys.
I thought we were all on the same team.
- Yeah, it's one team.
- That's right, one team.
And we're gonna win.
Well, follow me.
'Scuse us.
[chanting.]
Escape, escape, escape, escape.
I'm about to lead you into Dr.
Mondego's study.
The doctor was found murdered of mysterious causes.
- [gasps.]
- When the detectives arrived, they found no visible wounds on the body.
- Dummies.
- They did, however, find a note in his typewriter addressed to his wife and two sons, and it said that if he were to be found dead, that they should not believe that it was by his own hand.
If, for any reason, you need to get out of the room, we have a panic button.
[snorts.]
But know that if you do press it, the game will be over and you will not receive a refund.
Yeah, and you're a bunch of little babies.
All right.
Well, good luck.
[suspenseful music.]
Escape! Clues, escape, escape.
Clues, clues.
- Look around, guys.
- Look at how cool this is.
- Wow.
- Shut up, shut up! You shut your mouths-- the two of you! We're the leaders, okay? You're the followers.
- It's fine.
I got this.
- Oh, my God.
First of all, we do not need these cameras.
[gasps.]
And we do not need the panic button! - Oh, my God.
- Let's go! Look around, look around.
Look, look, look, look! - We're looking! - Look hard! All right? Get your pupils focused.
You guys, here! It's on the desk.
Help me count.
One, two, three, four, five-- wait, how does this work? Anyone know how to do an abacus? I got it.
Why would there be a laminate on a postcard? Who does that? [grunts mockingly.]
- Key! Time! - Wait, we found something.
"Ideas are light bulbs.
Turn it on.
" - That seems like a clue, right? - No! [stammering.]
That's a fake-out.
- Okay.
- You're wasting time! "Ideas are light bulbs.
Turn it on.
" Let's go [Kath and Dave shouting.]
- Check out the lights? Mm-hmm.
- The light bulbs, yeah.
"Caacgdka.
" - "Fo-gid-ubra.
" - "De-cudge-u-gah.
" "Fo-gid-u-wah.
" "Fo-gid-uh-wah nee.
" Guys, do you wanna help us? - Think we found - We found some clues.
[both chanting gibberish.]
- They're in their own world.
- Okay.
- Unlock it.
- Why is there a switch? Put your key in.
Put your key in! Think you can outsmart me? [cackles.]
- Put your key in! - Good luck! Yeah! Put your key in the hole! [electricity crackling.]
[gibbering loudly.]
- Holy crap.
- Oh, my God.
[spluttering.]
[gasps.]
Is he okay? [coughs.]
There's blood in my mouth.
[coughing.]
Let's just-- let's just keep looking.
[soft laugh.]
Outsmart us, huh? - Zero-one-zero - What was, um - Computer talk.
- The computer talk? - Binary code.
- Binary mm-hmm.
Will you hold it? Read every book! [gibberish.]
- It's in here! - [gibberish.]
- Ooh! - You got it! Look at that.
[distant.]
What's this? What's this? both: "Stay safe.
" Dave! I wanna get out! - I wanna get out! - [distant.]
We got the door! [both screaming.]
I want to get out! You can't do this to us! - [distant.]
We found the clue.
- We're not lab rats! [screaming.]
Panic! Panic! - Oh, look--okay.
- 52, 52.
- Let's see what we got here.
- [screaming.]
You have no right to do this to my brain! - It's my brain! - Got it? - Yes! - Oh, my God! - Please! Please! - Where's my clues, you son of a bitch? - I'm gonna go through.
- Do it! [dramatic music pounds.]
Kill it! Yes! - [screaming.]
- Yeah! Yes! Yeah! [gasping.]
We did it! - We won! - [panting.]
Lookit, there's our time: 41:13.
- 41:13! - Yes! Whoo.
- Whoo.
- All right.
When do you guys wanna do this again? What about men? Hey, I'm Drew.
And you know it, I'm Andy.
About three months ago, we swore off of women.
No dating them, no falling in love with them, nothing.
Not even thinking about them.
Now, we weren't getting a lot of feedback on this new lifestyle choice, and it occurred to us that people didn't know that we were swearing off women.
So, this is sort of our, uh, coming out video.
I wonder if, uh, we clarify that in, uh, you know Ah, right-right-right-right.
This is our heterosexual coming out video.
Not "coming out.
" It's more that we are announcing.
A straight guy coming out.
- I'm Drew.
- I'm Andy.
This is our heterosexual video about swearing off women.
As it were.
As it were.
Yeah.
Uh, anyway, uh we tried everything.
We really tried our best.
You know, going out on dates.
You know, I did a lot of, uh, spaghetti dinners and steak dinners and, uh, hamburger dinners.
Uh, for my part, I was sending a lot of DMs, asking women on dates.
And these were funny DMs, you know? We have a sense of humor.
You know, 50 jokes, 150 jokes in a row! I--I did some research about what women find funny, and then, of course, I was also sending some heartfelt compliments.
I mean, you know, women [sighs.]
Feminis-- the problem is that that-- It's--it's impossible.
Why even try? That's why we decided to opt out.
Okay, if a straight man can't win at the game, don't play the game you can't win at, boys.
If the game's fixed, why play? Don't you, like wouldn't you say that if you can't win at the game [clears throat.]
We should do, like-- this whole thing should be a silhouette.
Oh, yes.
[distorted.]
That's when things got out of hand, you know? I was taking this girl out, and I sat with her at dinner and she didn't say a word.
[distorted.]
I don't really know the exact moment when things changed.
All I know is that she stopped calling me back.
Uh, pretend to cry a little? [sobs softly, sniffs.]
I don't know, it's like if someone was-- I don't know, if someone was watching the video-- I don't know, like if-if a woman was actually-- A woman? No, man.
[sighs.]
Be strong.
Just I-I know, but, like, if like, if someone could love me Oh--[stammers.]
-- don't do that.
- She's beautiful.
- Who? - Who's beautiful? - I don't know.
Some women are beautiful.
[sighs.]
[knocking.]
Hey! Hey, it's Sofiya, your neighbor.
- Uh-- - We're making a video.
I just need some help with a couch.
Would you mind? - Um - We're busy.
Oh, it'll just take a second.
I'll make you guys some lemonade.
Uh, maybe when we're done.
I'd prefer not to.
Yeah, what are guys good for, their muscles? Yeah.
Hire us first.
Okay.
Thanks.
[blows raspberry.]
That's right, man.
[whip snaps.]
Uh, I'm gonna go get a glass of water.
All right.
[sniffs, exhales.]
[soft patriotic fanfare.]
[sniffs.]
[quietly.]
Um, if anything, I feel like I'm, like, too romantic.
Uh there's part of me that just would love to like, settle down and, like, have kids-- - What are you-- - What? Sorry.
Were you talking into the camera? No, no, no, no, no, I was just fixing the mic, man.
[upbeat percussive music.]
[knocking.]
[phones continuously chiming.]
- Hi.
- Thank God you guys are here.
- We came as soon as we could.
- Okay, so I got two phones.
I've been texting with eight different people, and I-I-I--I'm losing track! Okay, there's one guy.
We're just communicating via "Family Guy" quotes.
Whoa-whoa-- whoa-whoa-whoa.
And I'm out of things Stewie said! - Slow down.
- We can handle this.
Okay.
I--what's that? Okay.
Oh, but Um I [phones continue chiming.]
[futuristic music.]
Rachel, welcome to the command center.
So, I'm gonna handle the deep-thinking guys that are looking for something intellectual.
I'm gonna handle all the jokey guys don't wanna come off too serious.
Okay.
Uh, what should I do? Uh, you should handle the guys that immediately send pictures of their dicks or are just here for sex.
- Got it, okay.
- Oh, and this is Trevor.
[electric guitar chords.]
- Super great to meet you.
- Hey.
- Due to the heavy text volume, Trevor has your phone hooked up to a machine so he can patch us in to our own group of guys.
I just like to help out.
And don't worry.
I won't, uh, look at the content.
- Just the name.
- Oh.
You can look at the content.
I mean, I'm not-- - there's nothing to hide.
- Okay, uh, cool.
I'd love to look.
[music halts.]
Oh.
[laughs.]
- Okay, okay, yeah.
- Let's get to work.
We are patched in.
All lines are open.
"Gross," send.
"Gross," send.
"Oh, come on, you know I wasn't being serious.
"Sometimes it's hard to say things over text, but you know exactly what I mean," send.
Ohh.
No.
Ooh, that sounds interesting.
Oh, you're very interesting.
"Gross," send.
Yes, I do believe in true love.
"That's your finger.
" Send.
Trevor, dick pics go to Rachel, not me.
- Ugh.
- Hey.
- Hmm? - Uh.
Hope this isn't too weird, but, I'd love to take you out sometime, that is, if you're interested.
Uh yeah, uh, do you have an online profile? I don't.
Oh, but--no, but then how would I find you or or get to know you? "Yes, what was the last book you read?" - Rachel, hand me the stats.
- Oh-- Stats on Brett.
Fred, here's the graph.
Rachel, someone says they already know you - Oh, God.
- And dated you before.
What does that mean? Why are they asking me? If we've dated before, I already rejected them.
- "LOL.
" - "LOL-OL-OL-OL.
" [laughing tonelessly.]
"Ha-a-a-ah-hah!" Send.
Sure, that's-that's a non-threatening fetish.
[fanfare sound effect plays.]
Got a date.
Hmm? Dinner at the Slide Inn tomorrow night.
- W-w-which guy? - Uh, I don't know.
David, Peter, I can't tell which.
- Is it me? - No! "Is it me?" - Why would it be you, buddy? - Sorry, Trevor.
So, Joey, what brings you in today? Um, I live pretty close.
I live right there.
That's--that's my house.
Oh.
So I saw your sign, and it says to make an appointment, and then I did.
I'm not crazy.
I know there's a lot of crazy people out there, and, they--you know-- Oh, I don't like to make judgments - on people's mental health.
- Good.
I'm here to help people.
You know, someone's crazy enough, you put 'em in a straitjacket, right? Then you put 'em in a rubber room? - I don't.
- You--you call a paddy wagon? - I don't, no.
- You don't do that? - Nope.
- Why-why do they do that? What is that? Well, sometimes, um You must get serial killers in here, right? God, I hope I haven't seen any killers, but-- They-they chop people up, you know? Because they're so sick.
Well, I think- They don't understand that, like, once you kill someone, that's enough.
You don't have to keep going and keep chopping 'em up like they're in, you know, the deli.
Hmm, okay.
- Joey, can I be honest with you? - Yeah.
You're doing a lot of shifting of subjects.
I'd really like to know why you're here.
What's, uh-- what's kleptomania? - That's stealing, right? - It is.
Yeah, what is that? - Stealing.
- What about color blindness? That's, that's that's a lie, right? - No, nope.
- What about amnesia? - I think it's not true.
- It is.
Isn't that convenient, though? Couldn't they say, "I don't wanna pay the bill.
"Uh, I have amnesia.
I don't know what happened.
" I don't think it really works like that.
- You believe stuttering? - I--yeah.
I do too.
When people stutter, I go, "I think that's real.
" [sighs.]
Okay.
Um You know what necrophilia is? [whispering.]
Some people are so sick, that they--you know, they climb on top of a body Okay.
Yeah, I know-- I know what it is.
You could hump two rocks and it'd feel better than a corpse.
And what do you do when you're done? "Nice to meet you-- oh, sorry, you're dead"? I do like nymphomania, though.
That's a wow, nymphomania.
"Hi, nice to meet you.
You wanna get married?" I mean, that's a good disease to have.
- Say more about that, please.
- No.
I will not.
I don't have to answer any questions at this time.
Okay.
Freud said you wanted to do it with your mom, right? Freud did talk about the Oedipal complex.
Sit with your mom and go, "Hey, Mom, you know, "I know we're having a good time "looking through old family photos.
"You wanna go up to the bedroom for a minute? Let me take off your blouse, give you a massage.
" You know, kissing the necks? - You can-- I mean, that's my mom you're talking about.
- Mm-hmm.
- No thank you.
Okay, uh, Joey, our time is actually up.
- Uh, what? - Got about five minutes before we've gotta, um, wrap up here, so - This is the session? - Yeah--oh, yeah.
I thought I had to, you know, put on, like, a butt-gown, - and, like, sit up and - Oh, no.
Hey, you--you going in here, the therapist? It's a rip off.
You never get past the waiting room.
Oh, no, no, I have to see her.
I'm a nymphomaniac.
Wanna get married? [upbeat percussive music.]
Claire.
Claire! Doug, I'm working.
Why are you still here? I know you're sad about your drums getting stolen, but you can't just sit around moping all day.
Yeah, but it's just not cool, you know? Like, stupid van and stupid windows being open and unlocked doors.
It's not an invitation to take my drums.
Okay, remember when Kim broke her leg and she didn't have health insurance? - Yeah, that sucked.
- And she had that benefit and everyone turned out, and she made enough money - to pay her bills.
- Yeah.
- That was a lot of fun, right? - Right.
So what if you threw a benefit for Doug? - Yeah, for my drums.
- Right.
That gives you something to do.
- Do you wanna help me with it? - I don't.
Good talk.
[band playing rock music.]
[cheers and applause.]
Yeah! Wow.
Let's give it up for Construction and the Zones.
- Yeah! - Incredible band.
Thank you all for coming together for this very serious and important issue.
Now, you know me as a tough guy.
You think I didn't cry my eyes out? - I had tears that were this big.
- I love you, Doug! You think I'm kidding around? - We got you, dude.
- Yeah, you do got me.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
And the band thanks you, and have a great time! [cheers and applause.]
Yeah, Doug! Doug, Doug! Oh, my gosh.
It's such a success! You've already made enough money to cover the drum kit! It's incredible.
I can't believe it.
Look at this! Brand new! Um, I'm gonna go to work, okay? - Bye, hon.
- Bye.
[snare taps.]
[fabric ripping.]
Ah, man! My favorite jeans.
[groans.]
[cheers and applause.]
Incredible, as always.
Uh what are we talking about? Basic human essentials.
Water, shelter, jeans.
I don't take any of it for granted.
Enjoy the music.
[printer slams.]
What's wrong, cutie? Well, I--I think it's just out of ink.
[sighs.]
Well, I guess I'm gonna go to the store.
Um-- Hey, shh.
Come on.
What's wrong? It's okay.
I have a job now.
Why, why, why, why The street lamp is blinking on and off Don't worry about giving a little more.
There's always more ink in the sea.
You know that you spent $3,000 on beer last month? - I did? - Yeah.
You have the beer gut to prove it.
I do? All right, well, I'm just, like, not making as much money anymore.
I know, 'cause you've given people benefit fatigue.
Well, how am I gonna pay you back for that beer I bought on your credit card? I think I know.
[band plays bluesy rock music.]
[cheers and applause.]
All right, wow.
Wow.
- We support you, Claire! - Thanks, everyone.
Um, anyway, Doug's parents are gonna make a statement.
Without further ado, Doug's mom.
[speaking Korean.]
[cheers and applause.]
So, uh, where--where you from? Um--well, it's a town outside of Boston, but you wouldn't know the town, so I--I just say Boston.
- Great, great, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh, good.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh, that's great.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
[sighs.]
[crunching loudly.]
Hey, Dan, I don't-- I don't mean for this to sound too forward, but, um you seem perfect ly fine.
[exhales.]
I was just about to say the same thing about you.
You know what, I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
Dan, whose middle name I don't know-- It's French and really hard to pronounce.
Will you get off dating apps with me? Yes.
Yes, I will! Oh, my God, I hate dating! I hate dating! [both laughing.]
Oh, yes.
[both sigh.]
Oh! I am gonna relax now.
Me too.
This is it.
- This is it.
- It's just over now.
Oh, this is it.
This is our life.
Yeah, yeah.
Wow.
- This is disgusting, by the way.
- Would someone mind getting me, um, like, some real dinner? - Can I get some nachos? - [sighs happily.]
I am on a gluten-only diet from now on.
[chewing noisily.]
- Mmm.
[wine swishes.]
- I'm gonna take my belt off.
One second.
- Here you go.
- Do you mind if I go bald? - I'm gonna stop dying my hair.
- [sighs.]
This is me.
- [exhales loudly.]
Oh.
- [soft laugh.]
[both sigh.]
Hey, um I'm gonna start an emotional affair with someone else, but it'll just--it'll be some light texting.
Of course.
I'll do that too.
Great--oh, also, can we stop having sex? - I would really love that.
- Aw.
Hey! Oh, hey.
What are you guys doing here? - We're on a date.
- Wait.
Those are all the guys you said weren't good enough for me.
Yeah, well, they're good enough for us.
That's the guy with the blurred-face girl, and the red flag, and-- wait, you said don't date a guy who had a dog in his profile picture, but he's the hottest guy here! We didn't know.
Well, uh, it looks like you got off dating apps.
Congrats, you found someone.
Yeah, yeah.
He's the love of my life.
We have three kids.
It's great.
And I'm with Trevor now.
I met him at your house.
The comedy guy is so funny.
[horn squeaking.]
[chuckling.]
Oh, there's a place we can go In the computer screen [wailing.]
Mommy! Mommy? Where are you? You've got mail.
- And I'm Lisa Eversman.
Have you ever been invited to something you don't want to go to? But you made the commitment anyway because you felt obligated.
What you do is you wait till the very last second - and then you both: Cancel it! [quietly.]
Ow.
Events like your boss's barbecue.
Cancel it! Your niece's birthday.
[party blower squawks.]
Cancel it.
Allen's open mic.
Just wait until the very last second, and then just cancel it.
You don't have to cancel everything.
It's weird--I was never invited to Allen's open mic.
- Yeah, that is weird.
- Hm.
- Reminder: client dinner.
- Cancel it.
- Dentist appointment.
- Cancel it.
- Couple's counseling.
- Cancel it! - Are you sure? - Yeah.
Do you have plans to see a play with your parents, but you don't wanna go? But you feel guilty because you barely ever see them? - You don't have to go.
- But they're old.
Cancelling is the fastest way to teach the elderly about the uses of technology.
[keys clacking.]
[text message whoosh.]
This is why texting was invented: so you could cancel last-minute.
- Theater with parents.
- Cancel it.
- Breakfast with Diane.
- Cancel it! [buzzer sounding wildly.]
Even if you love your family, we all dread the holidays.
Why not exchange presents in January, when the flights are cheap and the malls are empty? That's right.
You can both: Cancel Christmas! Cancel it! Hey, uh, what are we doing for Christmas? You know, I might be out of town.
Aww.
What's Allen doing here? [camera shutter clicks.]
[Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" playing.]
Yes, I am aware.
It sounds so boring! [soft laugh.]
Cancel it! [buzzer sounding wildly.]
[Washed Out's "Feel It All Around" playing.]
[dreamy chillwave music.]
potato pancakes have been burnt, like a Did they give you a stomachache? [laughing.]
Yeah.
It was like a smashed hockey puck.
What are you looking at? Oh, you know, eh, Tinder, Bumble, the usual.
- Ooh.
- Blah, blah, blah.
Looking for a date? Yeah, you know, single.
It's been a while, so.
I don't know, what do you think of this guy? Um, I think it's weird that he has blurred out someone in the picture.
What if it's just someone random and he, like, didn't get their permission? Well, I have a feeling that's his ex and I think it's aggressive that he blurred her out.
Okay.
What about this? I think this is so funny.
You wanna date a dog? No, I don't wanna date a dog.
He just has a picture of the dog.
He's kind of, like, commenting on the whole culture-- You don't want that.
At least he should show - his own face, don't you think? - Yeah.
Oh, what's the goofy one? That's his whole thing, is he's being funny.
- Do you like funny? - I don't know - what I like anymore.
- You just deserve better.
Whatever you show me, you deserve better.
- What about this guy? - Nope.
No.
- No.
- No.
- Ugh.
- Garbage.
Garbage.
- Garbage.
- Garbage.
- Garbage.
- Garbage.
- Garbage.
- Garbage.
- Garbage.
- Trash.
- No.
- Ugh.
- Garbage.
[together.]
Garbage.
- I think that's a red flag.
- Yeah, good point.
- That's fair.
- These people are all trash compared to what you deserve.
- Oh, she's discouraged.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
You know, me and Carrie are gonna go get some low-key plastic surgery, but I think we're gonna cancel so we can help you get a date.
You guys don't have to cancel your plans.
Like, it's just--it's a string of terrible options.
That's what it is.
I'll be fine.
I'm worried you're not gonna find someone if we're not here to help.
Okay, describe your perfect guy.
Okay, um I guess, like, kind of a squarish-shaped face, dark features in general.
He's Jewish, but, like, wants to be Italian.
Thin-ish You like a tight shirt, right? - Tighten up that shirt.
- Yeah, that's great.
You're not drawing yourself, are you? [smooth musical flourish.]
Do you wanna date this guy? Ohh [upbeat percussive music.]
- Hey! - Hi.
- Hello.
- Uh, we're Steve and Anne.
- We have a reservation.
- Okay.
[mouse clicks.]
Um, little complication We were supposed to meet a couple people here and they literally just texted that they can't make it.
Could the two of us just go in by ourselves? Unfortunately, the room you've got booked has a four-person minimum requirement.
Um, we do have a couple here looking for a few extra players themselves.
[thrilling fanfare.]
Escape room! We're gonna set a record! We're gonna beat you guys.
I thought we were all on the same team.
- Yeah, it's one team.
- That's right, one team.
And we're gonna win.
Well, follow me.
'Scuse us.
[chanting.]
Escape, escape, escape, escape.
I'm about to lead you into Dr.
Mondego's study.
The doctor was found murdered of mysterious causes.
- [gasps.]
- When the detectives arrived, they found no visible wounds on the body.
- Dummies.
- They did, however, find a note in his typewriter addressed to his wife and two sons, and it said that if he were to be found dead, that they should not believe that it was by his own hand.
If, for any reason, you need to get out of the room, we have a panic button.
[snorts.]
But know that if you do press it, the game will be over and you will not receive a refund.
Yeah, and you're a bunch of little babies.
All right.
Well, good luck.
[suspenseful music.]
Escape! Clues, escape, escape.
Clues, clues.
- Look around, guys.
- Look at how cool this is.
- Wow.
- Shut up, shut up! You shut your mouths-- the two of you! We're the leaders, okay? You're the followers.
- It's fine.
I got this.
- Oh, my God.
First of all, we do not need these cameras.
[gasps.]
And we do not need the panic button! - Oh, my God.
- Let's go! Look around, look around.
Look, look, look, look! - We're looking! - Look hard! All right? Get your pupils focused.
You guys, here! It's on the desk.
Help me count.
One, two, three, four, five-- wait, how does this work? Anyone know how to do an abacus? I got it.
Why would there be a laminate on a postcard? Who does that? [grunts mockingly.]
- Key! Time! - Wait, we found something.
"Ideas are light bulbs.
Turn it on.
" - That seems like a clue, right? - No! [stammering.]
That's a fake-out.
- Okay.
- You're wasting time! "Ideas are light bulbs.
Turn it on.
" Let's go [Kath and Dave shouting.]
- Check out the lights? Mm-hmm.
- The light bulbs, yeah.
"Caacgdka.
" - "Fo-gid-ubra.
" - "De-cudge-u-gah.
" "Fo-gid-u-wah.
" "Fo-gid-uh-wah nee.
" Guys, do you wanna help us? - Think we found - We found some clues.
[both chanting gibberish.]
- They're in their own world.
- Okay.
- Unlock it.
- Why is there a switch? Put your key in.
Put your key in! Think you can outsmart me? [cackles.]
- Put your key in! - Good luck! Yeah! Put your key in the hole! [electricity crackling.]
[gibbering loudly.]
- Holy crap.
- Oh, my God.
[spluttering.]
[gasps.]
Is he okay? [coughs.]
There's blood in my mouth.
[coughing.]
Let's just-- let's just keep looking.
[soft laugh.]
Outsmart us, huh? - Zero-one-zero - What was, um - Computer talk.
- The computer talk? - Binary code.
- Binary mm-hmm.
Will you hold it? Read every book! [gibberish.]
- It's in here! - [gibberish.]
- Ooh! - You got it! Look at that.
[distant.]
What's this? What's this? both: "Stay safe.
" Dave! I wanna get out! - I wanna get out! - [distant.]
We got the door! [both screaming.]
I want to get out! You can't do this to us! - [distant.]
We found the clue.
- We're not lab rats! [screaming.]
Panic! Panic! - Oh, look--okay.
- 52, 52.
- Let's see what we got here.
- [screaming.]
You have no right to do this to my brain! - It's my brain! - Got it? - Yes! - Oh, my God! - Please! Please! - Where's my clues, you son of a bitch? - I'm gonna go through.
- Do it! [dramatic music pounds.]
Kill it! Yes! - [screaming.]
- Yeah! Yes! Yeah! [gasping.]
We did it! - We won! - [panting.]
Lookit, there's our time: 41:13.
- 41:13! - Yes! Whoo.
- Whoo.
- All right.
When do you guys wanna do this again? What about men? Hey, I'm Drew.
And you know it, I'm Andy.
About three months ago, we swore off of women.
No dating them, no falling in love with them, nothing.
Not even thinking about them.
Now, we weren't getting a lot of feedback on this new lifestyle choice, and it occurred to us that people didn't know that we were swearing off women.
So, this is sort of our, uh, coming out video.
I wonder if, uh, we clarify that in, uh, you know Ah, right-right-right-right.
This is our heterosexual coming out video.
Not "coming out.
" It's more that we are announcing.
A straight guy coming out.
- I'm Drew.
- I'm Andy.
This is our heterosexual video about swearing off women.
As it were.
As it were.
Yeah.
Uh, anyway, uh we tried everything.
We really tried our best.
You know, going out on dates.
You know, I did a lot of, uh, spaghetti dinners and steak dinners and, uh, hamburger dinners.
Uh, for my part, I was sending a lot of DMs, asking women on dates.
And these were funny DMs, you know? We have a sense of humor.
You know, 50 jokes, 150 jokes in a row! I--I did some research about what women find funny, and then, of course, I was also sending some heartfelt compliments.
I mean, you know, women [sighs.]
Feminis-- the problem is that that-- It's--it's impossible.
Why even try? That's why we decided to opt out.
Okay, if a straight man can't win at the game, don't play the game you can't win at, boys.
If the game's fixed, why play? Don't you, like wouldn't you say that if you can't win at the game [clears throat.]
We should do, like-- this whole thing should be a silhouette.
Oh, yes.
[distorted.]
That's when things got out of hand, you know? I was taking this girl out, and I sat with her at dinner and she didn't say a word.
[distorted.]
I don't really know the exact moment when things changed.
All I know is that she stopped calling me back.
Uh, pretend to cry a little? [sobs softly, sniffs.]
I don't know, it's like if someone was-- I don't know, if someone was watching the video-- I don't know, like if-if a woman was actually-- A woman? No, man.
[sighs.]
Be strong.
Just I-I know, but, like, if like, if someone could love me Oh--[stammers.]
-- don't do that.
- She's beautiful.
- Who? - Who's beautiful? - I don't know.
Some women are beautiful.
[sighs.]
[knocking.]
Hey! Hey, it's Sofiya, your neighbor.
- Uh-- - We're making a video.
I just need some help with a couch.
Would you mind? - Um - We're busy.
Oh, it'll just take a second.
I'll make you guys some lemonade.
Uh, maybe when we're done.
I'd prefer not to.
Yeah, what are guys good for, their muscles? Yeah.
Hire us first.
Okay.
Thanks.
[blows raspberry.]
That's right, man.
[whip snaps.]
Uh, I'm gonna go get a glass of water.
All right.
[sniffs, exhales.]
[soft patriotic fanfare.]
[sniffs.]
[quietly.]
Um, if anything, I feel like I'm, like, too romantic.
Uh there's part of me that just would love to like, settle down and, like, have kids-- - What are you-- - What? Sorry.
Were you talking into the camera? No, no, no, no, no, I was just fixing the mic, man.
[upbeat percussive music.]
[knocking.]
[phones continuously chiming.]
- Hi.
- Thank God you guys are here.
- We came as soon as we could.
- Okay, so I got two phones.
I've been texting with eight different people, and I-I-I--I'm losing track! Okay, there's one guy.
We're just communicating via "Family Guy" quotes.
Whoa-whoa-- whoa-whoa-whoa.
And I'm out of things Stewie said! - Slow down.
- We can handle this.
Okay.
I--what's that? Okay.
Oh, but Um I [phones continue chiming.]
[futuristic music.]
Rachel, welcome to the command center.
So, I'm gonna handle the deep-thinking guys that are looking for something intellectual.
I'm gonna handle all the jokey guys don't wanna come off too serious.
Okay.
Uh, what should I do? Uh, you should handle the guys that immediately send pictures of their dicks or are just here for sex.
- Got it, okay.
- Oh, and this is Trevor.
[electric guitar chords.]
- Super great to meet you.
- Hey.
- Due to the heavy text volume, Trevor has your phone hooked up to a machine so he can patch us in to our own group of guys.
I just like to help out.
And don't worry.
I won't, uh, look at the content.
- Just the name.
- Oh.
You can look at the content.
I mean, I'm not-- - there's nothing to hide.
- Okay, uh, cool.
I'd love to look.
[music halts.]
Oh.
[laughs.]
- Okay, okay, yeah.
- Let's get to work.
We are patched in.
All lines are open.
"Gross," send.
"Gross," send.
"Oh, come on, you know I wasn't being serious.
"Sometimes it's hard to say things over text, but you know exactly what I mean," send.
Ohh.
No.
Ooh, that sounds interesting.
Oh, you're very interesting.
"Gross," send.
Yes, I do believe in true love.
"That's your finger.
" Send.
Trevor, dick pics go to Rachel, not me.
- Ugh.
- Hey.
- Hmm? - Uh.
Hope this isn't too weird, but, I'd love to take you out sometime, that is, if you're interested.
Uh yeah, uh, do you have an online profile? I don't.
Oh, but--no, but then how would I find you or or get to know you? "Yes, what was the last book you read?" - Rachel, hand me the stats.
- Oh-- Stats on Brett.
Fred, here's the graph.
Rachel, someone says they already know you - Oh, God.
- And dated you before.
What does that mean? Why are they asking me? If we've dated before, I already rejected them.
- "LOL.
" - "LOL-OL-OL-OL.
" [laughing tonelessly.]
"Ha-a-a-ah-hah!" Send.
Sure, that's-that's a non-threatening fetish.
[fanfare sound effect plays.]
Got a date.
Hmm? Dinner at the Slide Inn tomorrow night.
- W-w-which guy? - Uh, I don't know.
David, Peter, I can't tell which.
- Is it me? - No! "Is it me?" - Why would it be you, buddy? - Sorry, Trevor.
So, Joey, what brings you in today? Um, I live pretty close.
I live right there.
That's--that's my house.
Oh.
So I saw your sign, and it says to make an appointment, and then I did.
I'm not crazy.
I know there's a lot of crazy people out there, and, they--you know-- Oh, I don't like to make judgments - on people's mental health.
- Good.
I'm here to help people.
You know, someone's crazy enough, you put 'em in a straitjacket, right? Then you put 'em in a rubber room? - I don't.
- You--you call a paddy wagon? - I don't, no.
- You don't do that? - Nope.
- Why-why do they do that? What is that? Well, sometimes, um You must get serial killers in here, right? God, I hope I haven't seen any killers, but-- They-they chop people up, you know? Because they're so sick.
Well, I think- They don't understand that, like, once you kill someone, that's enough.
You don't have to keep going and keep chopping 'em up like they're in, you know, the deli.
Hmm, okay.
- Joey, can I be honest with you? - Yeah.
You're doing a lot of shifting of subjects.
I'd really like to know why you're here.
What's, uh-- what's kleptomania? - That's stealing, right? - It is.
Yeah, what is that? - Stealing.
- What about color blindness? That's, that's that's a lie, right? - No, nope.
- What about amnesia? - I think it's not true.
- It is.
Isn't that convenient, though? Couldn't they say, "I don't wanna pay the bill.
"Uh, I have amnesia.
I don't know what happened.
" I don't think it really works like that.
- You believe stuttering? - I--yeah.
I do too.
When people stutter, I go, "I think that's real.
" [sighs.]
Okay.
Um You know what necrophilia is? [whispering.]
Some people are so sick, that they--you know, they climb on top of a body Okay.
Yeah, I know-- I know what it is.
You could hump two rocks and it'd feel better than a corpse.
And what do you do when you're done? "Nice to meet you-- oh, sorry, you're dead"? I do like nymphomania, though.
That's a wow, nymphomania.
"Hi, nice to meet you.
You wanna get married?" I mean, that's a good disease to have.
- Say more about that, please.
- No.
I will not.
I don't have to answer any questions at this time.
Okay.
Freud said you wanted to do it with your mom, right? Freud did talk about the Oedipal complex.
Sit with your mom and go, "Hey, Mom, you know, "I know we're having a good time "looking through old family photos.
"You wanna go up to the bedroom for a minute? Let me take off your blouse, give you a massage.
" You know, kissing the necks? - You can-- I mean, that's my mom you're talking about.
- Mm-hmm.
- No thank you.
Okay, uh, Joey, our time is actually up.
- Uh, what? - Got about five minutes before we've gotta, um, wrap up here, so - This is the session? - Yeah--oh, yeah.
I thought I had to, you know, put on, like, a butt-gown, - and, like, sit up and - Oh, no.
Hey, you--you going in here, the therapist? It's a rip off.
You never get past the waiting room.
Oh, no, no, I have to see her.
I'm a nymphomaniac.
Wanna get married? [upbeat percussive music.]
Claire.
Claire! Doug, I'm working.
Why are you still here? I know you're sad about your drums getting stolen, but you can't just sit around moping all day.
Yeah, but it's just not cool, you know? Like, stupid van and stupid windows being open and unlocked doors.
It's not an invitation to take my drums.
Okay, remember when Kim broke her leg and she didn't have health insurance? - Yeah, that sucked.
- And she had that benefit and everyone turned out, and she made enough money - to pay her bills.
- Yeah.
- That was a lot of fun, right? - Right.
So what if you threw a benefit for Doug? - Yeah, for my drums.
- Right.
That gives you something to do.
- Do you wanna help me with it? - I don't.
Good talk.
[band playing rock music.]
[cheers and applause.]
Yeah! Wow.
Let's give it up for Construction and the Zones.
- Yeah! - Incredible band.
Thank you all for coming together for this very serious and important issue.
Now, you know me as a tough guy.
You think I didn't cry my eyes out? - I had tears that were this big.
- I love you, Doug! You think I'm kidding around? - We got you, dude.
- Yeah, you do got me.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
And the band thanks you, and have a great time! [cheers and applause.]
Yeah, Doug! Doug, Doug! Oh, my gosh.
It's such a success! You've already made enough money to cover the drum kit! It's incredible.
I can't believe it.
Look at this! Brand new! Um, I'm gonna go to work, okay? - Bye, hon.
- Bye.
[snare taps.]
[fabric ripping.]
Ah, man! My favorite jeans.
[groans.]
[cheers and applause.]
Incredible, as always.
Uh what are we talking about? Basic human essentials.
Water, shelter, jeans.
I don't take any of it for granted.
Enjoy the music.
[printer slams.]
What's wrong, cutie? Well, I--I think it's just out of ink.
[sighs.]
Well, I guess I'm gonna go to the store.
Um-- Hey, shh.
Come on.
What's wrong? It's okay.
I have a job now.
Why, why, why, why The street lamp is blinking on and off Don't worry about giving a little more.
There's always more ink in the sea.
You know that you spent $3,000 on beer last month? - I did? - Yeah.
You have the beer gut to prove it.
I do? All right, well, I'm just, like, not making as much money anymore.
I know, 'cause you've given people benefit fatigue.
Well, how am I gonna pay you back for that beer I bought on your credit card? I think I know.
[band plays bluesy rock music.]
[cheers and applause.]
All right, wow.
Wow.
- We support you, Claire! - Thanks, everyone.
Um, anyway, Doug's parents are gonna make a statement.
Without further ado, Doug's mom.
[speaking Korean.]
[cheers and applause.]
So, uh, where--where you from? Um--well, it's a town outside of Boston, but you wouldn't know the town, so I--I just say Boston.
- Great, great, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh, good.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh, that's great.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
[sighs.]
[crunching loudly.]
Hey, Dan, I don't-- I don't mean for this to sound too forward, but, um you seem perfect ly fine.
[exhales.]
I was just about to say the same thing about you.
You know what, I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
Dan, whose middle name I don't know-- It's French and really hard to pronounce.
Will you get off dating apps with me? Yes.
Yes, I will! Oh, my God, I hate dating! I hate dating! [both laughing.]
Oh, yes.
[both sigh.]
Oh! I am gonna relax now.
Me too.
This is it.
- This is it.
- It's just over now.
Oh, this is it.
This is our life.
Yeah, yeah.
Wow.
- This is disgusting, by the way.
- Would someone mind getting me, um, like, some real dinner? - Can I get some nachos? - [sighs happily.]
I am on a gluten-only diet from now on.
[chewing noisily.]
- Mmm.
[wine swishes.]
- I'm gonna take my belt off.
One second.
- Here you go.
- Do you mind if I go bald? - I'm gonna stop dying my hair.
- [sighs.]
This is me.
- [exhales loudly.]
Oh.
- [soft laugh.]
[both sigh.]
Hey, um I'm gonna start an emotional affair with someone else, but it'll just--it'll be some light texting.
Of course.
I'll do that too.
Great--oh, also, can we stop having sex? - I would really love that.
- Aw.
Hey! Oh, hey.
What are you guys doing here? - We're on a date.
- Wait.
Those are all the guys you said weren't good enough for me.
Yeah, well, they're good enough for us.
That's the guy with the blurred-face girl, and the red flag, and-- wait, you said don't date a guy who had a dog in his profile picture, but he's the hottest guy here! We didn't know.
Well, uh, it looks like you got off dating apps.
Congrats, you found someone.
Yeah, yeah.
He's the love of my life.
We have three kids.
It's great.
And I'm with Trevor now.
I met him at your house.
The comedy guy is so funny.
[horn squeaking.]
[chuckling.]
Oh, there's a place we can go In the computer screen [wailing.]
Mommy! Mommy? Where are you? You've got mail.