Shameless US s08e03 Episode Script
God Bless Her Rotting Soul
1 Oh, for shit's sake.
Again? The fuck is going on that's so important you're missing our episodes? You should look into that, buster.
Okay, here it is.
[FIONA.]
Everyone is late with their rent.
Evict her ass.
You fucked with the wrong girl! You are about to witness the rebirth of a proactive member of society.
[ADEEB.]
I am impressed by your work ethic and your dedication.
That's why I'm making you supervisor.
- [ADEEB LAUGHING.]
- Okay.
- Who are you talking to? - [DEBBIE.]
It's just my stupid boyfriend.
Wants me to give him a sponge bath every night.
- [DEBBIE.]
He's paraplegic.
- I'll do it.
I need a new patient for my practicum hours.
Immigration! Nobody move! What the hell is going on? That's her.
She's the leader.
ROCK MUSIC [LIP.]
Thanks for the rehab.
[PARMINDER.]
I biposied your lump, Mr.
Ball.
- It's benign.
- I don't have cancer! [CHEERING.]
[FIONA.]
Frank found seven pounds of meth that Monica had, and it's getting flushed down the toilet.
[FRANK.]
Nobody flushes 70,000 dollars' worth of maternal bequest down the drain.
So, you're the little fuckers who stole my meth.
- [IAN.]
Uh, crap.
- [ERIC.]
Shit! Where's my fucking meth? ROCK MUSIC Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? He seemed pretty serious to me.
[IAN.]
For a meth head, he ran fast.
Fuckin' Monica, fuckin' up our lives, - even in death.
- [IAN.]
Hey, shh.
Don't let Fiona hear you.
She'll go ballistic.
- So, how scary was he? - Was he big? - Was he armed? - [DEBBIE.]
Did he know my name? You know, 'cause we can be pretty fuckin' scary too if we have to.
Agreed.
Meeting adjourned.
"Meeting adjourned"? [LIP.]
You got some magical way to get 70 grand in meth? I do not.
I simply don't wish to discuss it further.
Are you high, Frank? [FRANK.]
High on life.
High on possibility.
[LIP.]
You're the one who stirred up all this shit in the first place by robbing the storage unit.
I keep telling you, that's the old Frank.
You're talking to the new Frank.
Or the young Frank.
God, maybe it's not even Frank.
Maybe it's Francis now.
[IAN.]
If you don't figure out a way to help us out of this shit, I'm gonna take a tire iron to old Frank.
You've been a drama queen since the day you were born, Ian.
Wouldn't stop screaming until you were fully detoxed.
This meth head doesn't know where we live.
We just have to stay away from the storage unit and steer clear of the cemetery.
And if he does manage to find his way here, we stick by our story.
The secret of what happened to his meth lies with Monica, God bless her rotting soul.
- [FLOORBOARDS CREAK.]
- [DEBBIE.]
Shh! [FIONA.]
Mornin'.
- [LIAM.]
Morning.
- [LIP.]
Hey.
FUNK MUSIC Well, you're here early, Debs.
Ah, yup.
Gotta go.
Yeah, you know, me too.
Yup.
[FRANK.]
Looking to the future is the order of the day, kids.
No worrying about old news.
What old news, Frank? I go by Francis now.
Yevgeny never stops eating.
The grocery bills are ridiculous.
Mortgage is past due, tips at Patsy's are for shit.
The Alibi is empty.
Makes me sick to say it, but I'm starting to regret getting Svetlana arrested.
Kevin, are you listening? What? Yes.
[SIGHS.]
Do we really have to get these genetics tests? - They're expensive.
- Yes, we have to get 'em.
What if I have the Bracka gene and I gave it to one of 'em? Don't think you can get ovarian cancer, Kev.
Well, we still have to find out what my shitty orphan genes have in store for them.
Don't want any more surprises.
- [KNOCKING.]
- [FIONA.]
Hey.
You guys still got those, uh, cleaning products from the topless maid service? I gotta clean out the empty unit.
[VERONICA.]
Yeah, let me get 'em.
Have you examined your breasts in the shower this morning, Fiona? [LAUGHS.]
Good morning to you too, Kev.
A self exam is no laughing matter.
Do you even know how to do it right? 'Cause it's not just here.
Let me show you.
Raise your arms.
[LAUGHING.]
Are you serious? [VERONICA.]
He won't stop until he shows you.
It's not a sex thing.
It's a "save your life" thing.
I thought your lump was benign.
My lump was benign, but the scare was very shit, what is the word again? - Malignant.
- [KEV.]
Malignant! Raise your arms, Fiona, because "malignant" is not a word you ever want to have to remember.
Drop the overalls.
All right.
It's not just here.
It's here too, and under the arms here.
All right? I got it, thanks.
Thank you.
- [FIONA.]
Okay.
- All right, you're good.
Okay.
It's like having four toddlers.
Most action I've gotten in weeks.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, now there's a meth dealer coming out of the fuckin' woodwork.
[BRAD.]
Hate to say I told you so.
Really? 'Cause I think you kind of fucking love it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Love it more if you listened to me.
Ah, it's just so twisted.
The meth dealer wanting his stolen drugs back? That's what's twisted? That's what our mother left us.
- You know, stolen drugs.
- Yeah yeah, that, I'll give you.
I guess I just never really saw that before.
Sobriety goggles are kind of like the opposite of beer goggles.
Fucked-up shit stops looking normal.
Brad, ETA on the red Harley? End of the week.
Brad says "end of the week," so probably next Wednesday.
[LIP.]
And fuckin' Charlie and Sierra.
I I I mean, I can't even hang with Lucas anymore 'cause you know, I can't see them or see her, just you know, clean or not, the guy's a fucking prick.
All right, and she wants to be with him? I mean, it's I don't know, it's fucking depressing.
[BRAD.]
You're not depressed, Lip.
You're self-obsessed.
Here.
- The fuck is this? - This is a piece of shit that you're gonna turn into not-a-piece-of-shit.
Oh, are you giving me a project? I'm giving you something to obsess about that isn't you.
Fix it up.
Make it run, make it pretty.
What's the point? The point is to get your head out of your ass before you decide to drink again and hit an even worse bottom.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO.]
[VOLUME INCREASES.]
[TIRES SCREECHING.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[CRASHING.]
[BLANCA.]
Dios mio.
Ah Brought you that chocolate-flavored soy shit you like to pretend is coffee.
With a side of snark, just like I like it.
I thought you had work today.
Soon, yeah.
So, that drug dealer that chased me? Can't seem to shake it off.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
You laughing at me? Only because it's still hard for me to tell when you're joking.
Are you serious? Um well, nothing's wrong with you.
I think it's probably hard for a normal human to shake off a drug dealer chasing them.
Well, Gallaghers are generally not normal humans.
Grief can change people.
What? Um grief.
I mean, your mother died.
It changes you.
Maybe you should talk to the counselor.
Rather talk to you.
In fact, I'd rather do something with you that doesn't involve talking.
Ah.
Well, sorry.
I am busy trying to help at-risk youth.
Fuck oh, - Jesus.
- [FIONA.]
Hey.
- What is that? - [SIGHS.]
Pretty sure it's baby shit.
[SIGHS, GROANS.]
[LIP.]
The woman you evicted wiped baby shit everywhere? Yeah, parting gift.
And I'm hoping it's baby shit.
- [LIP.]
Right.
- [FIONA SIGHS.]
- "Slumlord twat.
" - [FIONA.]
Yeah.
- Kind of a nice ring to it, huh? - Yeah.
[FIONA.]
So, you, uh you here to tell me what your little family meeting was about this morning? I was gonna ask about borrowing your car.
I got a friend who's in trouble.
- Oh, what kind of trouble? - It's a DUI.
Oh.
Right here.
- Great.
Thanks, Fi.
- Sure.
Oh, hey, what time are you coming back? [DOOR SLAMS.]
Hey.
[SNIFFS.]
Ugh.
Brought you a latte from my fancy new latte maker.
- Ooh, thanks.
- [NESSA.]
Ugh.
You weren't kidding about this place.
Ugh.
[SNIFFS.]
- So, did you find a renter yet? - No.
I did spend $140 on credit checks.
Turns out that nice clothes and the appearance of money do not make for great credit.
Why are you drawing on the walls? 'Cause I'd rather my one good applicant - not read the words "thunder cunt.
" - [NESSA LAUGHS.]
Guy insisted on seeing the place today, and I don't have time to paint before he gets here.
[MEL.]
Hey, good news.
Charlotte and Trotter from the gym? They wanna move in here.
[SNIFFING.]
Wha what is that smell? It's human feces.
Do we like Charlotte and Trotter from the gym? Charlotte's cool.
Trotter's a bit of a shit-show.
So, you'd rather live next to some stranger that your new sidepiece picks out? Can your friends pass a credit check? They're cool.
And we pay our rent on time and we vouch for them.
I still have to run the report.
And I have to meet them.
Fine.
I'll set it up.
My girlfriend's kind of a thunder cunt.
- Not just kind of.
- [LAUGHS.]
It's the fertility hormones.
- Is it? - [NESSA LAUGHS.]
LIVELY PARTY MUSIC What up? [CARL.]
What up, what up? How are you guys doing? Come on, bring it in.
Jesus.
Hey what the fuck happened? I drove into a house.
- Serious? - Yeah.
You kill anybody? By the grace of a god I don't believe in, the only thing I destroyed was my own life and the house itself.
Are you in pain? [YOUENS.]
Both physical and existential.
We'll stop by the drugstore, see what they got for existential pain.
Probably something over the counter.
Watch your head.
Ugh.
Hey, Frank? - Some kid knocked over a bunch of orchids - It's Francis.
What? My name.
I made a new tag this morning.
Did you know that the name Francis means "comes from France," which is a little galling, because the French use too much butter in their cooking and they refuse to pronounce the letter H.
But the name Francis is more commonly used to refer to Saint Francis of Assisi.
Listen to this: "Francis was designated patron saint of Italy.
He later became associated with the patronage of animals, and it became customary to hold ceremonies blessing animals on his feast day of four October.
" Now, I do like being named for a saint, and I've always been a lover of animals.
Do I bless them? MAJESTIC MUSIC I would say yes.
Yes, I do.
And I will on my new birthday, which shall forthwith be held on four October.
[FRANK.]
Did you wanna ask me something? I forgot.
Uh-huh.
Is it because my presence brings you peace? Sorry I had to call you.
It's not a problem.
No one in my family would take my call.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SCOFFS.]
[LAUGHING.]
What's funny? They're gonna take away my tenure and fire me.
[LAUGHS.]
Ah [LAUGHING.]
Why is that funny? [EXHALES LIGHTLY.]
Also, there's the G1 and G2 APOL gene that causes kidney disease.
I really don't want that one.
[KEV.]
Or the Bracka 1, or Bracka 2, or the RET proto-oncogene which, I don't even know what diseases it causes.
It just sounds horrible saying it.
[DR.
CROWLEY.]
Mr.
Ball, you are in fine shape as inheritable diseases go.
Oh, I'm in fine shape.
I'm in fine shape.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm in fine shape.
What the hell is that supposed to mean, "I'm in fine shape"? Because in science, a positive can mean a bad thing.
And a negative can mean a good thing.
It's crazy confusing.
Fascinating.
What is? What are you writing down? What is fascinating? - What is fascinating? - [VERONICA.]
Okay.
Doctor, just tell us about his genes.
And speak in plain language.
This is a little over our heads.
You have a very rare chromosomal pattern, Mr.
Ball.
You are, more specifically, one in two billion.
Uh, were you aware you are from the Huntsville subgroup? What the hell is that? It's a genetic signature that only comes from one very particular area in Kentucky.
Uh, they were cut off from civilization by the Johnsville flood in 1826.
Uh, trapped in a rural area known as a "hollar," until someone found them again 120 years later.
As a result, they are one of the most inbred populations in the United States.
- [INHALES.]
Did you say "inbred"? - Did you say "Kentucky"? LIVELY PERCUSSIVE MUSIC [BAHIR.]
What's that smell? It's, uh it's temporary.
It'll be gone way before you move in.
And I'm gonna give these walls a nice coat of fresh paint too.
[BAHIR.]
Ooh, how's the water pressure? It's great.
Feel free to check.
[FAUCET RUNS.]
- [FIONA.]
You a smoker? - Nah, I prefer edibles.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Pets? - [BAHIR.]
Allergic.
- [FIONA.]
Kids? - [CHUCKLING.]
No kids.
No parties.
Pretty much no life outside of work.
- [FIONA.]
What do you do? - Tech.
90 hour weeks, and that's if I'm lucky.
I basically just need a place to sleep and shower.
Well, I need first month, last month, and security deposit.
[BAHIR.]
Not a problem.
Come on in.
Easy.
[SIGHS.]
Gotcha.
- Oh, I'll grab this.
- [YOUENS GROANS.]
- Are you hungry? - No.
- No? - [YOUENS.]
No.
[EXHALES HEAVILY.]
Hey, I'm gonna get you some groceries.
Don't bother.
[YOUENS.]
They'll just go bad while I'm in prison.
Prison? [YOUENS.]
As soon as I get in front of the judge, they'll lock me up for good.
[YOUENS SIGHS.]
Well.
Get you some food.
I'll come back, we'll make some calls, and, uh find you a lawyer, all right? It's, like, the most perfect situation in the world.
Lakisha gets her nursing practicum hours, and I'm free.
What? - She'll be giving him sponge baths.
- And you're okay with that.
- You guys, she's making him happy.
- Exactly.
[DEBBIE.]
Not like that.
You guys think like that? - Well, you seem pretty over Neil anyway.
- No, I'm not over him.
I mean, I am over him, I guess, but I can't afford to lose Neil's disability and have to pay for childcare and rent and everything.
Then you might want to try to be the one who makes him happy.
- All right, so, I'll Venmo you by Monday.
- Perfect.
Thanks.
Thank you.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
[MEL.]
Hey.
Are you applying to live here? Yup.
Bahir.
Oh [EXHALES NOISILY.]
It's really not a good idea, Bahir.
[INHALES HEAVILY.]
I've been here three years.
The place is fucking riddled with bedbugs.
And the new landlady, she's too cheap to bug bomb the place.
Oh, shit.
Hey, thanks for the heads-up.
Yeah, of course.
And I dunno, you might wanna burn those clothes.
Little fuckers are like, bouncin' off the walls in here.
- Ugh [SIGHS.]
- [MEL.]
I know.
Okay, bye.
[DOOR SLAMS SHUT.]
TENSE POP MUSIC Yeah, you handle DUI? No, no, it's it's for a friend.
- Sure, yeah, I can hold.
- [YOUENS.]
Wasting your time.
Hey, shut up and eat your fries.
[LIP.]
Yeah, I'm still here.
[LIP.]
Um, I don't know.
He blew a [YOUENS.]
1.
8.
I promise I won't drive anywhere.
Sorry, yeah.
I'm still here, yeah.
He blew a 1.
8.
Yeah, he hit a house.
Um, but he didn't injure anyone.
Got lucky.
First DUI? No, it's his second.
- Fifth.
- What? No, sorry.
It's, um it's his fifth DUI.
Hello? Prick hung up on me.
Told you you're wasting your time.
Fifth DUI? I mean, h how does that even happen? Ask me again when you're 60.
Place smells like dog shit.
- Ah, it's baby shit, actually.
- [MEL.]
Wow.
You should go into sales.
I scrubbed the place down, but the smell seems to be lingering.
I'm gonna give the walls a fresh coat of paint.
Should take care of it.
- We'll take it.
- [MEL.]
Great.
- Actually - [TROTTER.]
So, what do you need? First, last, security? 1,800? Uh, no.
Well, yes, I need first, last, and security, - but the rent is 1,000 a month.
- [TROTTER.]
1,000? - [MEL.]
You're not serious.
- Mel and Nessa said they pay six.
Well, that's 'cause they've been here a while.
[OVEN CREAKING OPEN.]
Will the oven full of baked shit cost extra? [FIONA.]
Ugh.
I'll clean that up.
Look, I will give you 2,100, cash, right now.
That's 700 a month.
The rent is 1,000 a month.
[FIONA.]
And I already promised it to a nice, quiet tech guy who's happy to pay the 1,000.
So, you can put in, uh, an application for any future vacancies, but they'll be a grand too.
- [TROTTER SIGHS.]
- Tech guy named Bahir? Yeah.
Come on, lady-friends.
I'll make you a fancy coffee while you fill out the application.
ROCK MUSIC [SUE.]
Gallagher, your uncle find you? - What uncle? - [SUE.]
He stopped by looking for you.
50s, skinny.
Kind of dirty sexy.
Cheekbones for days.
- Shit.
What'd you tell him? - That you weren't here.
He said no problem, he'll see you back at your house.
[IAN.]
Fuck.
We have a shift! Carl! Fiona! Anybody home? [ERIC.]
Fuck! Where is my fucking meth? [WATER SLOSHING.]
[ERIC.]
You need to think about it a little more, huh? [IAN.]
Hey! - Let him go! - [MAN GRUNTING.]
[MEN AND IAN GRUNTING.]
[IAN BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[IAN.]
Monica's dead.
We don't know anything about your meth.
- Bullshit.
- [GASPS.]
Monica is fuckin' indestructible.
There's no way she just lost seven pounds of meth, so either she smoked it, or she sold it, or her fucked-up family stole it.
And in any one of those scenarios, I am still owned 70-fucking-grand! [IAN.]
Fucking stop! Stop! [ERIC.]
My money or my meth.
You got 24 hours.
You understand? After that, you start worrying about little Debbie, little Liam, and pretty little Fiona.
[CARL COUGHING.]
[COUGHING.]
Okay.
- [PANTS.]
- [IAN.]
You all right? - Yeah.
- You all right? [BREATHLESS.]
Fuck.
[PANTING.]
No, I mean, it's bad.
You know? It's "nothing but vodka and mustard in the fridge" bad.
Wonder what he's putting the mustard on? And five DUIs? I mean, I don't even think Frank has five DUIs.
- Only 'cause he doesn't have a car.
- [IAN.]
I tried six lawyers.
They all hung up on me.
I mean, he's fucked.
Right? I mean, he's going to prison? [BRAD.]
Not necessarily.
If he can get sober for real and show a judge he's serious but that's his only shot.
I don't know you know, I don't think this guy could ever get sober.
[BRAD.]
Know who else they said that about? You and me, and everyone who ever got sober.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[FRANK.]
Can I help you find something, sir? Uh, fertilizer? Yes, sir.
Uh, against the wall, next to the roses.
Oh, she's a good girl.
Yes, aren't you a good girl? Yes, you are a good girl.
Are you feeding her? No, don't do that.
- But I'm her patron.
- What? No, she's a service dog.
You're not even supposed to pet her.
I'll lead you to the roses.
- This way.
- Thank you.
- There are steps.
- [FIONA.]
Hey, Frank, - great.
You didn't lose your job yet.
- [MAN.]
Thank you.
Fiona, when you address me, I'd prefer you call me "Dad," or "Father," or "Francis.
" Or on more formal occasions, I'll also accept "Saint.
" Uh-huh.
You get, uh, an employee discount, Saint Francis? I do.
[FIONA.]
That's great, 'cause this stuff's pricey.
How much off? Oh, I'm sorry, but my discount doesn't cover family or friends.
[SCOFFS.]
All right, then you buy it, and I'll pay you back.
[CHUCKLES.]
N that would be unethical.
Here.
So, what is that, seven dollars? - I give what I have to the poor.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Fuck off, Frank.
[LIP.]
[SIGHS.]
Yo! Shit! Fuck.
Hey! Hey! Youens! Hey, hey! - [LIP.]
Come here.
- [PANTING.]
[LIP.]
Come here, come here.
- [YOUENS COUGHS.]
- You're good, you're good, you're good.
You're all right.
- [YOUENS MOANS.]
- You're all right.
- [COUGHING.]
- You're all right.
You're all right.
- [LIP.]
Okay? - [YOUENS GROANS.]
That's all right.
There you go.
The broken ribs hurt worse than the broken arms.
[PANTS, LAUGHS GINGERLY.]
Ow.
What are you doing back? I got you some groceries.
Pasta, 'cause it's easy.
You know, frozen meals for the microwave.
[PANTING.]
And I wanna talk to you about rehab.
[EXHALES HEAVILY.]
You know, I, uh I haven't had a drink in months now, and believe it or not, it feels pretty fucking good.
SOLEMN MUSIC I appreciate your help today.
[SNIFFS.]
But I have to I have to figure out some very pressing things like how I'm gonna wipe my ass when it comes time to take a shit And how quickly I can drink myself to death, so I don't have to work up the courage to commit suicide because there's no way I'm going to prison.
[SIGHS SOFTLY.]
So with great affection and gratitude I'm gonna have to ask you to piss off.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
I think I'm gonna go.
No, no, no, don't go.
It's been so quiet around here.
It makes me feel weird about day drinking.
That's 'cause all the fucking hipsters chased away the locals.
Then the Russians chased away all the hipsters.
And then ICE chased away all the Russians.
And now we can't pay our mortgage.
[KERMIT SIGHS.]
Okay, finish your day drink.
Next one's on me.
[VERONICA.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, my goodness! I found them.
- [CHILDREN BABBLING.]
- [KEV.]
What? [VERONICA.]
What do you mean, "What?" You don't see that? See what? [KERMIT.]
What? What are we looking at? The Huntsville subgroup.
Which is what? [KERMIT.]
Whoa! Kev, you found your family.
- No, I don't have a family.
- [VERONICA.]
Kev, baby, this is huge.
These are your ancestors.
When we dig deeper, we'll find your family.
You're not an orphan anymore.
V, do you remember what that doctor said? They're inbred.
What if they try to eat us? - I think that's cannibals.
- [KEV.]
Well, whatever.
They abandoned me, so they're terrible people, right? [CHILDREN BABBLING.]
LIVELY ROCK MUSIC [HOLDING BREATH.]
Why don't you try Eric Scarton? - Spell it? - S-C-A-R-T-O-N.
[HOLDING BREATH.]
"Eric Scarton.
" The dude sounds like a pussy.
- [EXHALES.]
- Ah, shit.
What? Found his criminal record.
- Spent over a decade in the Statesville Pen.
- Why? [IAN.]
Tried to kill a guy with a spoon.
With a spoon? [IAN.]
He carved out some dude's eyeball and fucking ate it.
Shit.
Monica could really pick 'em, huh? Hey, guys.
Came home early to spend some quality time.
- Um.
- It's over, Debbie.
I'm in love with my nurse and you're a horrible person.
- No offense.
- "No offense"? [LAKISHA.]
You know he can't edit his thoughts.
You don't love me, and Lakisha does.
She helped me discover my prostate.
And my nipples, and my other erogenous zones, and you were just using me for my money which is mean.
[PHONE BUZZING.]
- What, Carl? - [CARL.]
Come home right now.
Emergency family meeting.
Don't tell Fiona.
All right, so he tells me to piss off.
You told me to piss off first time I met you.
No, I didn't.
Right, you just accused me of wanting to suck your dick.
Look, he's he's covered in puke, passed out, facedown on his broken arms, and I clean him up.
Right? Which is may wore than I've ever done for my prick of a father.
So why am I feeling guilty that I'm not over there wiping his ass for him? Well, maybe it's because he wiped your ass for you - when you needed it.
- Fuck that, he just wrote a check.
Yeah, with money that he worked hard to earn and didn't owe you.
[BRAD.]
You you know what you haven't been since your old professor ran his car - into a house, though? - What? Depressed.
Know why? [BRAD.]
'Cause fixing a fellow human's even better than fixing a bike.
And by the way, it's how we stay sober by being of service, and by wiping asses when they need wiping.
And by helping other drunks get what we got.
[SIGHING.]
You y you think I like listening to your shit? [SCOFFING.]
I don't.
- No? - No.
'Cause I'm a self-centered prick like you, but when I listen to your shit, I feel better.
So, it's a selfish thing.
Yeah, now you're getting it.
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- Gimme a sec, be right there.
Yo, Carl, what's up? Wait, what? All right.
All right.
Oh, no.
Damn! Kevin! I got the bill for your surgery.
[VERONICA.]
$1,500 just for anesthesia? - [VERONICA.]
Kevin! - [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
[BAR MUSIC PLAYING.]
What's this? It's me.
It's the only picture in my foster child folder.
Cops found me at a gas station, and no one ever came looking for me, and now you want me to go back to 'em.
- Well, don't you want to? - Yes.
[ANYA.]
Who will give me tour of the back, please? - Who are you? - I am realtor.
Hired by owner to sell shit-hole bar.
- [KEV.]
What? - Svetlana.
She can't do that, can she? She own, she can.
That's it.
Enough of this shit.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
Show her nothing, Kev.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Do you examine your breasts on a regular basis? [DOOR OPENS.]
Monica's ex found us? [CARL.]
Yeah, he tried to drown me in my own hot tub.
Ian and I got, like, nine grand between us.
You got any money left? Uh, no.
Only a couple hundred.
I had to pay off some debts.
Debs? - [IAN.]
Doesn't have any.
- [DEBBIE.]
Spent it all on equipment and welding school.
I'm broke.
- Liam? - [LIAM.]
Yeah? [IAN.]
You have, uh, any idea what Fiona did with your meth? No.
We have to ask her.
- [CARL AND DEBBIE.]
No.
- [IAN.]
Hell no.
Well, has somebody got a better idea? [LIP.]
Something you can sell? I mean, someone you know that could loan us that kind of money? [IAN.]
Hey, Debs, how about Neil? He literally just broke up with me.
He said I'm a horrible person.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[FRANK.]
Evening, family.
- [DEBBIE.]
Jesus, Frank! - [IAN.]
Whoa.
- [DEBBIE.]
Is that a squirrel? - What the hell is that? [FRANK.]
Roadkill, I'm afraid.
I'll give him a proper burial tomorrow.
Jesus.
Indeed.
[LIP.]
Frank, do you have any cash? We gotta pay this Eric guy, for real.
[FRANK.]
Of course.
[LIP.]
Thanks.
Seven fucking dollars? We could rob where you work.
- Know where they keep the safe? - Absolutely not.
You're the one that got us into this shit, Frank.
Monica.
Not me.
And it's Francis now.
I no longer resonate with a hard K.
[SIGHING.]
Oh, fuck it.
- Let's talk to Fiona.
- Yep.
ROCK MUSIC [EXHALES.]
[INHALES.]
That's strange.
I have I have a strange [PANTS SHORTLY.]
a strange feeling.
I oof.
Liam, do I feel warm to you? [PANTING.]
Nah.
[GROANS SOFTLY.]
[SIGHS GROANINGLY.]
Ah.
My back.
[GROANS.]
[GRUNTS, GROANS.]
It's like my blood is warming.
[GROANS, SIGHS.]
Sign over the bar to me and I'll tell them that we were legit married and this was all just a big mistake.
No.
I will sell my bar and live like a queen in Russia with all my money.
[VERONICA.]
Bullshit.
Your dream is a Quiznos in Kansas.
[DISTANT CHATTER.]
I keep two-thirds of bar.
One-third, and you pay Kev's medical bills.
You also agree to take care of the three kids three days a week.
- We are thrupple again? - [VERONICA.]
No.
I manage bar and all bills.
We do that together, and you teach me - what I don't know.
- I teach you.
But Kev, he is too stupid for math.
- It's the inbreeding.
- [SVETLANA.]
What? We have a deal? UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC If we weren't so screwed, we wouldn't ask for your help.
[CARL.]
The dude almost drowned me in my own hot tub.
[DEBBIE.]
You don't have to help us, but it would be really helpful - if you could just tell us - Tell us what you did with the last two pounds of meth.
[SIGHS.]
[IAN.]
Is this the part where you lecture us? - 'Cause if you could just speed it up a little bit, that - You wanna be a smartass, or do you want my help? I'm taking my time with this because I want you all to remember this how hard you tried not to have to come to me.
Because if you didn't have to come to me, then maybe you could just get through all this without having to admit one simple truth.
Which is that I was right.
When I told you that keeping the meth - was a bad idea - [LIP.]
Mm-hmm.
[WHISPERING.]
I was right.
When I begged you not to take it I was right.
When I told you that selling it and turning yourselves into fucking meth dealers was a terrible decision that could go horribly wrong, I was super fuckin' right.
- [IAN.]
Well - I am the one - who saw to your survival - [IAN GROANS.]
since you were babies.
I am the only reason that you are still breathing and have limbs intact.
So, I want you to remember this moment.
[FIONA.]
So that the next time that I try to warn you against a plan that Frank and Monica thought was a good idea, maybe just maybe you will fucking listen! Are you gonna tell us where the meth is or not, Fiona? TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC I am, Debs.
I am.
Right after every single one of you says "you were right.
" - [IAN SIGHS.]
- "And I was wrong, Fiona.
" Are you serious? [LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
Time is a-wastin'.
I wanna hear those words.
Okay.
You were right and I was wrong, Fiona.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[EXHALES SMUGLY.]
Mm-hmm.
[SIGHS.]
You were [CHOKES SOFTLY, SUCKS TEETH.]
right and I was wrong.
Fiona.
[SIGHS.]
You were fuckin' right and we were fuckin' wrong, Fiona.
I wasn't wrong.
I took what was mine.
I'm not sorry for it.
That's how life works sometimes.
It didn't go my way.
Now, can you please tell us where you put the rest of the drugs so that motherfucker doesn't eat your eyeballs too? - [DOOR OPENS.]
- [FRANK.]
Guilt! It's guilt! [FRANK.]
It's guilt.
This feeling I've been having in my stomach and in my bones and in my veins.
[CHUCKLES SHARPLY.]
I've discovered guilt.
[FRANK.]
Don't you understand? I'm here to help.
Does "help" include use of your employee discount? 'Cause we're gonna need a lot of shovels.
- [ALL GRUNTING.]
- [IAN.]
This is some seriously sick shit.
- It's no joke, Fiona.
- [ALL GRUNTING.]
God, who buries her mother with meth? Shouldn't you be asking what kind of a mother leaves her kids meth? [CARL.]
For fuck's sake.
I gotta take a piss.
[FRANK.]
I wonder what other new feelings life has in store for me.
[FRANK.]
I've known glee, passion, joy, grief, despair.
Were you planning on naming, uh, all the human emotions? 'Cause maybe you could help dig while you did that.
Regret that would be a new one.
Remorse don't think I've had that one, either.
- [FIONA GROANS.]
- Jesus Christ.
Crucifixion I have known.
The woman we're digging up saw to that.
- She nailed you to a cross? - [FRANK.]
It was a sex thing.
I don't like to talk about it.
[FIONA.]
Ugh.
God damn it, this is hard.
[VEHICLE APPROACHING.]
[ENGINE RUMBLING.]
[ALL SHOUTING.]
Go! Oh, my God! [BRAKES SQUEAKING.]
ROCK MUSIC [LIP.]
Whoa, careful, Carl! Don't go too deep, all right? [SIBLINGS SCREAMING.]
[FIONA.]
[WHIMPERS.]
[CARL.]
Oops.
[FIONA.]
Oh, no.
[DEBBIE.]
What do we do? Maybe we should hold hands and take a moment of silence? - [IAN.]
Ugh! - [FRANK.]
Oh, fuck.
- [LIP.]
Oh, Jesus.
- [ALL RETCHING.]
[LIP.]
All right, where's the fucking drugs? [FIONA.]
I put them under her.
[ALL COUGHING AND RETCHING.]
[FIONA.]
I'll get the drugs if you guys put her back in the coffin.
[LIP.]
Fuckin' A - [DEBBIE RETCHES.]
- [LIP.]
Ugh.
[LIP.]
God.
[GRUNTS.]
You were so right, Fiona.
[CARL.]
You were right.
We were fucking wrong.
Oh, my God.
Ugh.
[SIBLINGS COUGHING, GROANING.]
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
Come on in.
Get in.
Sweet Jesus.
What is that smell? [SNIFFS.]
Ugh, God.
[CARL.]
I I have my hot tub.
It's worth, like, four K.
It's, like, 33,000 in all.
[ERIC SIGHS.]
That's not enough.
- You still owe me 37 grand! - Stop, stop.
[FRANK.]
Let me handle this, please.
[FRANK.]
Eric, is it? You were Monica's partner, I take it? Which means half of the drugs belonged to her, and we have done all we can to pay you back for your half.
That smell? That reek, Eric? That stench that's filling your nostrils? That's Monica.
Dead, rotting, beautiful, tortured, magnificent, ridiculous, worm-infested Monica.
She died.
[FRANK.]
We watched her die.
[FRANK.]
And then we put her in the ground.
We buried some drugs with her, but that's neither here nor there.
And then we dug her up.
But two bags of meth plus nine grand and a hot tub? That's all we've got.
That's it.
[FRANK.]
And now she's six feet under again.
And if you come near my family, Eric, as God as my witness, I will bury you with her.
Are we clear? Yeah.
We're clear.
TENSE ROCK MUSIC [DOOR CLANKING OPEN.]
[SIGHS.]
Thanks Francis.
Your love for me True And precise It nice the echo From the tree I'll break Some day I'll break Into the old house [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
[SCOFFS SOFTLY.]
[SIGHS.]
Did you have a chance to reconsider my friends' application? I did not have that chance, Mel.
I was dealing with a family situation.
And I was too busy texting Bahir and discovering your bedbug bullshit.
So? [INHALES DEEPLY.]
[FIONA.]
So I've been trying to be nice.
Been trying to be mature.
Trying to rise above my station in life.
But if you wanna go ghetto on me I will beat you at that game every fucking time.
So, you're gonna call Bahir and tell him that you were lying.
'Cause if you don't I'll fill your bed with real bedbugs just so I have an excuse to burn all your shit in the street.
And then I'll evict you so that I can double your rent.
'Cause you don't scare me.
We clear? All right, baby.
You can do this.
I'm right here.
[SIGHS.]
[LINE TRILLING.]
[MAN.]
Hello? - [MAN.]
Hello? Is anybody there? - [WOMAN.]
Who is it? Hello? Um I was uh, found at a gas station [INHALES DEEPLY.]
Outside of Skokie, Illinois, when I was two years old.
That was about 30 years ago.
- And I - [MAN.]
Oh, my God, it's Bart! - [WOMAN.]
What? - [MAN.]
Bart, is that you? I think it's Bart.
Oh, my God.
[MAN AND WOMAN TALKING EXCITEDLY.]
I'm Bart? I'm Bart from Kentucky.
[MAN.]
Is that you? Bart, are you there? [MAN AND WOMAN TALK EXCITEDLY.]
DAN CROLL'S "AWAY FROM TODAY" I hit the ground running Running all the way from sin She stole my heart faster Than the bullet that I put in him [SIGHS.]
Well, shit.
She took the case and I grabbed the wheels She taught me to fend and taught me to steal away [INHALES.]
- My hands are shaking - [MAN.]
Svetlana Fisher.
The long you seek away Away Away from today Spasibo.
Away from today Away from today Hey.
Okay, you don't have to go to rehab, 'cause we brought rehab to you.
[SIGHS.]
Go away.
- [LIP.]
No, look.
- [YOUENS.]
Hey.
I'm not let you just roll over and die, all right? [BRAD.]
We're just gonna tell you our stories, - see if you relate.
- [LIP.]
Yeah.
Brad can tell you about the time he almost killed his girlfriend, and, uh, Dan has some surprising hooking-for-drugs stories.
It's good stuff.
Didn't know AA made house calls.
[BRAD.]
Oh, yeah.
Think of us like, uh, foul-mouthed Jehovah's Witnesses.
You don't have to do anything but listen, all right? Can I drink while I listen? Not a problem.
Away from today Away from today [WOMAN ON TV.]
Go up with the hips.
Go left, right [FLIES BUZZING.]
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC DAN CROLL'S "AWAY FROM TODAY" Hey.
Maybe he wants me to know he got clean.
You don't need to deal with that.
You're a strong, independent woman, just like me.
This sober sex thing, it's not working for me.
If you gotta, then try no-string sex.
What can I do to be a better father? We don't have enough fathers in our PTA car wash.
- Can't be afraid to get wet.
- Find me.
Again? The fuck is going on that's so important you're missing our episodes? You should look into that, buster.
Okay, here it is.
[FIONA.]
Everyone is late with their rent.
Evict her ass.
You fucked with the wrong girl! You are about to witness the rebirth of a proactive member of society.
[ADEEB.]
I am impressed by your work ethic and your dedication.
That's why I'm making you supervisor.
- [ADEEB LAUGHING.]
- Okay.
- Who are you talking to? - [DEBBIE.]
It's just my stupid boyfriend.
Wants me to give him a sponge bath every night.
- [DEBBIE.]
He's paraplegic.
- I'll do it.
I need a new patient for my practicum hours.
Immigration! Nobody move! What the hell is going on? That's her.
She's the leader.
ROCK MUSIC [LIP.]
Thanks for the rehab.
[PARMINDER.]
I biposied your lump, Mr.
Ball.
- It's benign.
- I don't have cancer! [CHEERING.]
[FIONA.]
Frank found seven pounds of meth that Monica had, and it's getting flushed down the toilet.
[FRANK.]
Nobody flushes 70,000 dollars' worth of maternal bequest down the drain.
So, you're the little fuckers who stole my meth.
- [IAN.]
Uh, crap.
- [ERIC.]
Shit! Where's my fucking meth? ROCK MUSIC Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? He seemed pretty serious to me.
[IAN.]
For a meth head, he ran fast.
Fuckin' Monica, fuckin' up our lives, - even in death.
- [IAN.]
Hey, shh.
Don't let Fiona hear you.
She'll go ballistic.
- So, how scary was he? - Was he big? - Was he armed? - [DEBBIE.]
Did he know my name? You know, 'cause we can be pretty fuckin' scary too if we have to.
Agreed.
Meeting adjourned.
"Meeting adjourned"? [LIP.]
You got some magical way to get 70 grand in meth? I do not.
I simply don't wish to discuss it further.
Are you high, Frank? [FRANK.]
High on life.
High on possibility.
[LIP.]
You're the one who stirred up all this shit in the first place by robbing the storage unit.
I keep telling you, that's the old Frank.
You're talking to the new Frank.
Or the young Frank.
God, maybe it's not even Frank.
Maybe it's Francis now.
[IAN.]
If you don't figure out a way to help us out of this shit, I'm gonna take a tire iron to old Frank.
You've been a drama queen since the day you were born, Ian.
Wouldn't stop screaming until you were fully detoxed.
This meth head doesn't know where we live.
We just have to stay away from the storage unit and steer clear of the cemetery.
And if he does manage to find his way here, we stick by our story.
The secret of what happened to his meth lies with Monica, God bless her rotting soul.
- [FLOORBOARDS CREAK.]
- [DEBBIE.]
Shh! [FIONA.]
Mornin'.
- [LIAM.]
Morning.
- [LIP.]
Hey.
FUNK MUSIC Well, you're here early, Debs.
Ah, yup.
Gotta go.
Yeah, you know, me too.
Yup.
[FRANK.]
Looking to the future is the order of the day, kids.
No worrying about old news.
What old news, Frank? I go by Francis now.
Yevgeny never stops eating.
The grocery bills are ridiculous.
Mortgage is past due, tips at Patsy's are for shit.
The Alibi is empty.
Makes me sick to say it, but I'm starting to regret getting Svetlana arrested.
Kevin, are you listening? What? Yes.
[SIGHS.]
Do we really have to get these genetics tests? - They're expensive.
- Yes, we have to get 'em.
What if I have the Bracka gene and I gave it to one of 'em? Don't think you can get ovarian cancer, Kev.
Well, we still have to find out what my shitty orphan genes have in store for them.
Don't want any more surprises.
- [KNOCKING.]
- [FIONA.]
Hey.
You guys still got those, uh, cleaning products from the topless maid service? I gotta clean out the empty unit.
[VERONICA.]
Yeah, let me get 'em.
Have you examined your breasts in the shower this morning, Fiona? [LAUGHS.]
Good morning to you too, Kev.
A self exam is no laughing matter.
Do you even know how to do it right? 'Cause it's not just here.
Let me show you.
Raise your arms.
[LAUGHING.]
Are you serious? [VERONICA.]
He won't stop until he shows you.
It's not a sex thing.
It's a "save your life" thing.
I thought your lump was benign.
My lump was benign, but the scare was very shit, what is the word again? - Malignant.
- [KEV.]
Malignant! Raise your arms, Fiona, because "malignant" is not a word you ever want to have to remember.
Drop the overalls.
All right.
It's not just here.
It's here too, and under the arms here.
All right? I got it, thanks.
Thank you.
- [FIONA.]
Okay.
- All right, you're good.
Okay.
It's like having four toddlers.
Most action I've gotten in weeks.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, now there's a meth dealer coming out of the fuckin' woodwork.
[BRAD.]
Hate to say I told you so.
Really? 'Cause I think you kind of fucking love it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Love it more if you listened to me.
Ah, it's just so twisted.
The meth dealer wanting his stolen drugs back? That's what's twisted? That's what our mother left us.
- You know, stolen drugs.
- Yeah yeah, that, I'll give you.
I guess I just never really saw that before.
Sobriety goggles are kind of like the opposite of beer goggles.
Fucked-up shit stops looking normal.
Brad, ETA on the red Harley? End of the week.
Brad says "end of the week," so probably next Wednesday.
[LIP.]
And fuckin' Charlie and Sierra.
I I I mean, I can't even hang with Lucas anymore 'cause you know, I can't see them or see her, just you know, clean or not, the guy's a fucking prick.
All right, and she wants to be with him? I mean, it's I don't know, it's fucking depressing.
[BRAD.]
You're not depressed, Lip.
You're self-obsessed.
Here.
- The fuck is this? - This is a piece of shit that you're gonna turn into not-a-piece-of-shit.
Oh, are you giving me a project? I'm giving you something to obsess about that isn't you.
Fix it up.
Make it run, make it pretty.
What's the point? The point is to get your head out of your ass before you decide to drink again and hit an even worse bottom.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO.]
[VOLUME INCREASES.]
[TIRES SCREECHING.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[CRASHING.]
[BLANCA.]
Dios mio.
Ah Brought you that chocolate-flavored soy shit you like to pretend is coffee.
With a side of snark, just like I like it.
I thought you had work today.
Soon, yeah.
So, that drug dealer that chased me? Can't seem to shake it off.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
You laughing at me? Only because it's still hard for me to tell when you're joking.
Are you serious? Um well, nothing's wrong with you.
I think it's probably hard for a normal human to shake off a drug dealer chasing them.
Well, Gallaghers are generally not normal humans.
Grief can change people.
What? Um grief.
I mean, your mother died.
It changes you.
Maybe you should talk to the counselor.
Rather talk to you.
In fact, I'd rather do something with you that doesn't involve talking.
Ah.
Well, sorry.
I am busy trying to help at-risk youth.
Fuck oh, - Jesus.
- [FIONA.]
Hey.
- What is that? - [SIGHS.]
Pretty sure it's baby shit.
[SIGHS, GROANS.]
[LIP.]
The woman you evicted wiped baby shit everywhere? Yeah, parting gift.
And I'm hoping it's baby shit.
- [LIP.]
Right.
- [FIONA SIGHS.]
- "Slumlord twat.
" - [FIONA.]
Yeah.
- Kind of a nice ring to it, huh? - Yeah.
[FIONA.]
So, you, uh you here to tell me what your little family meeting was about this morning? I was gonna ask about borrowing your car.
I got a friend who's in trouble.
- Oh, what kind of trouble? - It's a DUI.
Oh.
Right here.
- Great.
Thanks, Fi.
- Sure.
Oh, hey, what time are you coming back? [DOOR SLAMS.]
Hey.
[SNIFFS.]
Ugh.
Brought you a latte from my fancy new latte maker.
- Ooh, thanks.
- [NESSA.]
Ugh.
You weren't kidding about this place.
Ugh.
[SNIFFS.]
- So, did you find a renter yet? - No.
I did spend $140 on credit checks.
Turns out that nice clothes and the appearance of money do not make for great credit.
Why are you drawing on the walls? 'Cause I'd rather my one good applicant - not read the words "thunder cunt.
" - [NESSA LAUGHS.]
Guy insisted on seeing the place today, and I don't have time to paint before he gets here.
[MEL.]
Hey, good news.
Charlotte and Trotter from the gym? They wanna move in here.
[SNIFFING.]
Wha what is that smell? It's human feces.
Do we like Charlotte and Trotter from the gym? Charlotte's cool.
Trotter's a bit of a shit-show.
So, you'd rather live next to some stranger that your new sidepiece picks out? Can your friends pass a credit check? They're cool.
And we pay our rent on time and we vouch for them.
I still have to run the report.
And I have to meet them.
Fine.
I'll set it up.
My girlfriend's kind of a thunder cunt.
- Not just kind of.
- [LAUGHS.]
It's the fertility hormones.
- Is it? - [NESSA LAUGHS.]
LIVELY PARTY MUSIC What up? [CARL.]
What up, what up? How are you guys doing? Come on, bring it in.
Jesus.
Hey what the fuck happened? I drove into a house.
- Serious? - Yeah.
You kill anybody? By the grace of a god I don't believe in, the only thing I destroyed was my own life and the house itself.
Are you in pain? [YOUENS.]
Both physical and existential.
We'll stop by the drugstore, see what they got for existential pain.
Probably something over the counter.
Watch your head.
Ugh.
Hey, Frank? - Some kid knocked over a bunch of orchids - It's Francis.
What? My name.
I made a new tag this morning.
Did you know that the name Francis means "comes from France," which is a little galling, because the French use too much butter in their cooking and they refuse to pronounce the letter H.
But the name Francis is more commonly used to refer to Saint Francis of Assisi.
Listen to this: "Francis was designated patron saint of Italy.
He later became associated with the patronage of animals, and it became customary to hold ceremonies blessing animals on his feast day of four October.
" Now, I do like being named for a saint, and I've always been a lover of animals.
Do I bless them? MAJESTIC MUSIC I would say yes.
Yes, I do.
And I will on my new birthday, which shall forthwith be held on four October.
[FRANK.]
Did you wanna ask me something? I forgot.
Uh-huh.
Is it because my presence brings you peace? Sorry I had to call you.
It's not a problem.
No one in my family would take my call.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SCOFFS.]
[LAUGHING.]
What's funny? They're gonna take away my tenure and fire me.
[LAUGHS.]
Ah [LAUGHING.]
Why is that funny? [EXHALES LIGHTLY.]
Also, there's the G1 and G2 APOL gene that causes kidney disease.
I really don't want that one.
[KEV.]
Or the Bracka 1, or Bracka 2, or the RET proto-oncogene which, I don't even know what diseases it causes.
It just sounds horrible saying it.
[DR.
CROWLEY.]
Mr.
Ball, you are in fine shape as inheritable diseases go.
Oh, I'm in fine shape.
I'm in fine shape.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm in fine shape.
What the hell is that supposed to mean, "I'm in fine shape"? Because in science, a positive can mean a bad thing.
And a negative can mean a good thing.
It's crazy confusing.
Fascinating.
What is? What are you writing down? What is fascinating? - What is fascinating? - [VERONICA.]
Okay.
Doctor, just tell us about his genes.
And speak in plain language.
This is a little over our heads.
You have a very rare chromosomal pattern, Mr.
Ball.
You are, more specifically, one in two billion.
Uh, were you aware you are from the Huntsville subgroup? What the hell is that? It's a genetic signature that only comes from one very particular area in Kentucky.
Uh, they were cut off from civilization by the Johnsville flood in 1826.
Uh, trapped in a rural area known as a "hollar," until someone found them again 120 years later.
As a result, they are one of the most inbred populations in the United States.
- [INHALES.]
Did you say "inbred"? - Did you say "Kentucky"? LIVELY PERCUSSIVE MUSIC [BAHIR.]
What's that smell? It's, uh it's temporary.
It'll be gone way before you move in.
And I'm gonna give these walls a nice coat of fresh paint too.
[BAHIR.]
Ooh, how's the water pressure? It's great.
Feel free to check.
[FAUCET RUNS.]
- [FIONA.]
You a smoker? - Nah, I prefer edibles.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Pets? - [BAHIR.]
Allergic.
- [FIONA.]
Kids? - [CHUCKLING.]
No kids.
No parties.
Pretty much no life outside of work.
- [FIONA.]
What do you do? - Tech.
90 hour weeks, and that's if I'm lucky.
I basically just need a place to sleep and shower.
Well, I need first month, last month, and security deposit.
[BAHIR.]
Not a problem.
Come on in.
Easy.
[SIGHS.]
Gotcha.
- Oh, I'll grab this.
- [YOUENS GROANS.]
- Are you hungry? - No.
- No? - [YOUENS.]
No.
[EXHALES HEAVILY.]
Hey, I'm gonna get you some groceries.
Don't bother.
[YOUENS.]
They'll just go bad while I'm in prison.
Prison? [YOUENS.]
As soon as I get in front of the judge, they'll lock me up for good.
[YOUENS SIGHS.]
Well.
Get you some food.
I'll come back, we'll make some calls, and, uh find you a lawyer, all right? It's, like, the most perfect situation in the world.
Lakisha gets her nursing practicum hours, and I'm free.
What? - She'll be giving him sponge baths.
- And you're okay with that.
- You guys, she's making him happy.
- Exactly.
[DEBBIE.]
Not like that.
You guys think like that? - Well, you seem pretty over Neil anyway.
- No, I'm not over him.
I mean, I am over him, I guess, but I can't afford to lose Neil's disability and have to pay for childcare and rent and everything.
Then you might want to try to be the one who makes him happy.
- All right, so, I'll Venmo you by Monday.
- Perfect.
Thanks.
Thank you.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
[MEL.]
Hey.
Are you applying to live here? Yup.
Bahir.
Oh [EXHALES NOISILY.]
It's really not a good idea, Bahir.
[INHALES HEAVILY.]
I've been here three years.
The place is fucking riddled with bedbugs.
And the new landlady, she's too cheap to bug bomb the place.
Oh, shit.
Hey, thanks for the heads-up.
Yeah, of course.
And I dunno, you might wanna burn those clothes.
Little fuckers are like, bouncin' off the walls in here.
- Ugh [SIGHS.]
- [MEL.]
I know.
Okay, bye.
[DOOR SLAMS SHUT.]
TENSE POP MUSIC Yeah, you handle DUI? No, no, it's it's for a friend.
- Sure, yeah, I can hold.
- [YOUENS.]
Wasting your time.
Hey, shut up and eat your fries.
[LIP.]
Yeah, I'm still here.
[LIP.]
Um, I don't know.
He blew a [YOUENS.]
1.
8.
I promise I won't drive anywhere.
Sorry, yeah.
I'm still here, yeah.
He blew a 1.
8.
Yeah, he hit a house.
Um, but he didn't injure anyone.
Got lucky.
First DUI? No, it's his second.
- Fifth.
- What? No, sorry.
It's, um it's his fifth DUI.
Hello? Prick hung up on me.
Told you you're wasting your time.
Fifth DUI? I mean, h how does that even happen? Ask me again when you're 60.
Place smells like dog shit.
- Ah, it's baby shit, actually.
- [MEL.]
Wow.
You should go into sales.
I scrubbed the place down, but the smell seems to be lingering.
I'm gonna give the walls a fresh coat of paint.
Should take care of it.
- We'll take it.
- [MEL.]
Great.
- Actually - [TROTTER.]
So, what do you need? First, last, security? 1,800? Uh, no.
Well, yes, I need first, last, and security, - but the rent is 1,000 a month.
- [TROTTER.]
1,000? - [MEL.]
You're not serious.
- Mel and Nessa said they pay six.
Well, that's 'cause they've been here a while.
[OVEN CREAKING OPEN.]
Will the oven full of baked shit cost extra? [FIONA.]
Ugh.
I'll clean that up.
Look, I will give you 2,100, cash, right now.
That's 700 a month.
The rent is 1,000 a month.
[FIONA.]
And I already promised it to a nice, quiet tech guy who's happy to pay the 1,000.
So, you can put in, uh, an application for any future vacancies, but they'll be a grand too.
- [TROTTER SIGHS.]
- Tech guy named Bahir? Yeah.
Come on, lady-friends.
I'll make you a fancy coffee while you fill out the application.
ROCK MUSIC [SUE.]
Gallagher, your uncle find you? - What uncle? - [SUE.]
He stopped by looking for you.
50s, skinny.
Kind of dirty sexy.
Cheekbones for days.
- Shit.
What'd you tell him? - That you weren't here.
He said no problem, he'll see you back at your house.
[IAN.]
Fuck.
We have a shift! Carl! Fiona! Anybody home? [ERIC.]
Fuck! Where is my fucking meth? [WATER SLOSHING.]
[ERIC.]
You need to think about it a little more, huh? [IAN.]
Hey! - Let him go! - [MAN GRUNTING.]
[MEN AND IAN GRUNTING.]
[IAN BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[IAN.]
Monica's dead.
We don't know anything about your meth.
- Bullshit.
- [GASPS.]
Monica is fuckin' indestructible.
There's no way she just lost seven pounds of meth, so either she smoked it, or she sold it, or her fucked-up family stole it.
And in any one of those scenarios, I am still owned 70-fucking-grand! [IAN.]
Fucking stop! Stop! [ERIC.]
My money or my meth.
You got 24 hours.
You understand? After that, you start worrying about little Debbie, little Liam, and pretty little Fiona.
[CARL COUGHING.]
[COUGHING.]
Okay.
- [PANTS.]
- [IAN.]
You all right? - Yeah.
- You all right? [BREATHLESS.]
Fuck.
[PANTING.]
No, I mean, it's bad.
You know? It's "nothing but vodka and mustard in the fridge" bad.
Wonder what he's putting the mustard on? And five DUIs? I mean, I don't even think Frank has five DUIs.
- Only 'cause he doesn't have a car.
- [IAN.]
I tried six lawyers.
They all hung up on me.
I mean, he's fucked.
Right? I mean, he's going to prison? [BRAD.]
Not necessarily.
If he can get sober for real and show a judge he's serious but that's his only shot.
I don't know you know, I don't think this guy could ever get sober.
[BRAD.]
Know who else they said that about? You and me, and everyone who ever got sober.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[FRANK.]
Can I help you find something, sir? Uh, fertilizer? Yes, sir.
Uh, against the wall, next to the roses.
Oh, she's a good girl.
Yes, aren't you a good girl? Yes, you are a good girl.
Are you feeding her? No, don't do that.
- But I'm her patron.
- What? No, she's a service dog.
You're not even supposed to pet her.
I'll lead you to the roses.
- This way.
- Thank you.
- There are steps.
- [FIONA.]
Hey, Frank, - great.
You didn't lose your job yet.
- [MAN.]
Thank you.
Fiona, when you address me, I'd prefer you call me "Dad," or "Father," or "Francis.
" Or on more formal occasions, I'll also accept "Saint.
" Uh-huh.
You get, uh, an employee discount, Saint Francis? I do.
[FIONA.]
That's great, 'cause this stuff's pricey.
How much off? Oh, I'm sorry, but my discount doesn't cover family or friends.
[SCOFFS.]
All right, then you buy it, and I'll pay you back.
[CHUCKLES.]
N that would be unethical.
Here.
So, what is that, seven dollars? - I give what I have to the poor.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Fuck off, Frank.
[LIP.]
[SIGHS.]
Yo! Shit! Fuck.
Hey! Hey! Youens! Hey, hey! - [LIP.]
Come here.
- [PANTING.]
[LIP.]
Come here, come here.
- [YOUENS COUGHS.]
- You're good, you're good, you're good.
You're all right.
- [YOUENS MOANS.]
- You're all right.
- [COUGHING.]
- You're all right.
You're all right.
- [LIP.]
Okay? - [YOUENS GROANS.]
That's all right.
There you go.
The broken ribs hurt worse than the broken arms.
[PANTS, LAUGHS GINGERLY.]
Ow.
What are you doing back? I got you some groceries.
Pasta, 'cause it's easy.
You know, frozen meals for the microwave.
[PANTING.]
And I wanna talk to you about rehab.
[EXHALES HEAVILY.]
You know, I, uh I haven't had a drink in months now, and believe it or not, it feels pretty fucking good.
SOLEMN MUSIC I appreciate your help today.
[SNIFFS.]
But I have to I have to figure out some very pressing things like how I'm gonna wipe my ass when it comes time to take a shit And how quickly I can drink myself to death, so I don't have to work up the courage to commit suicide because there's no way I'm going to prison.
[SIGHS SOFTLY.]
So with great affection and gratitude I'm gonna have to ask you to piss off.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
I think I'm gonna go.
No, no, no, don't go.
It's been so quiet around here.
It makes me feel weird about day drinking.
That's 'cause all the fucking hipsters chased away the locals.
Then the Russians chased away all the hipsters.
And then ICE chased away all the Russians.
And now we can't pay our mortgage.
[KERMIT SIGHS.]
Okay, finish your day drink.
Next one's on me.
[VERONICA.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, my goodness! I found them.
- [CHILDREN BABBLING.]
- [KEV.]
What? [VERONICA.]
What do you mean, "What?" You don't see that? See what? [KERMIT.]
What? What are we looking at? The Huntsville subgroup.
Which is what? [KERMIT.]
Whoa! Kev, you found your family.
- No, I don't have a family.
- [VERONICA.]
Kev, baby, this is huge.
These are your ancestors.
When we dig deeper, we'll find your family.
You're not an orphan anymore.
V, do you remember what that doctor said? They're inbred.
What if they try to eat us? - I think that's cannibals.
- [KEV.]
Well, whatever.
They abandoned me, so they're terrible people, right? [CHILDREN BABBLING.]
LIVELY ROCK MUSIC [HOLDING BREATH.]
Why don't you try Eric Scarton? - Spell it? - S-C-A-R-T-O-N.
[HOLDING BREATH.]
"Eric Scarton.
" The dude sounds like a pussy.
- [EXHALES.]
- Ah, shit.
What? Found his criminal record.
- Spent over a decade in the Statesville Pen.
- Why? [IAN.]
Tried to kill a guy with a spoon.
With a spoon? [IAN.]
He carved out some dude's eyeball and fucking ate it.
Shit.
Monica could really pick 'em, huh? Hey, guys.
Came home early to spend some quality time.
- Um.
- It's over, Debbie.
I'm in love with my nurse and you're a horrible person.
- No offense.
- "No offense"? [LAKISHA.]
You know he can't edit his thoughts.
You don't love me, and Lakisha does.
She helped me discover my prostate.
And my nipples, and my other erogenous zones, and you were just using me for my money which is mean.
[PHONE BUZZING.]
- What, Carl? - [CARL.]
Come home right now.
Emergency family meeting.
Don't tell Fiona.
All right, so he tells me to piss off.
You told me to piss off first time I met you.
No, I didn't.
Right, you just accused me of wanting to suck your dick.
Look, he's he's covered in puke, passed out, facedown on his broken arms, and I clean him up.
Right? Which is may wore than I've ever done for my prick of a father.
So why am I feeling guilty that I'm not over there wiping his ass for him? Well, maybe it's because he wiped your ass for you - when you needed it.
- Fuck that, he just wrote a check.
Yeah, with money that he worked hard to earn and didn't owe you.
[BRAD.]
You you know what you haven't been since your old professor ran his car - into a house, though? - What? Depressed.
Know why? [BRAD.]
'Cause fixing a fellow human's even better than fixing a bike.
And by the way, it's how we stay sober by being of service, and by wiping asses when they need wiping.
And by helping other drunks get what we got.
[SIGHING.]
You y you think I like listening to your shit? [SCOFFING.]
I don't.
- No? - No.
'Cause I'm a self-centered prick like you, but when I listen to your shit, I feel better.
So, it's a selfish thing.
Yeah, now you're getting it.
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- Gimme a sec, be right there.
Yo, Carl, what's up? Wait, what? All right.
All right.
Oh, no.
Damn! Kevin! I got the bill for your surgery.
[VERONICA.]
$1,500 just for anesthesia? - [VERONICA.]
Kevin! - [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
[BAR MUSIC PLAYING.]
What's this? It's me.
It's the only picture in my foster child folder.
Cops found me at a gas station, and no one ever came looking for me, and now you want me to go back to 'em.
- Well, don't you want to? - Yes.
[ANYA.]
Who will give me tour of the back, please? - Who are you? - I am realtor.
Hired by owner to sell shit-hole bar.
- [KEV.]
What? - Svetlana.
She can't do that, can she? She own, she can.
That's it.
Enough of this shit.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
Show her nothing, Kev.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Do you examine your breasts on a regular basis? [DOOR OPENS.]
Monica's ex found us? [CARL.]
Yeah, he tried to drown me in my own hot tub.
Ian and I got, like, nine grand between us.
You got any money left? Uh, no.
Only a couple hundred.
I had to pay off some debts.
Debs? - [IAN.]
Doesn't have any.
- [DEBBIE.]
Spent it all on equipment and welding school.
I'm broke.
- Liam? - [LIAM.]
Yeah? [IAN.]
You have, uh, any idea what Fiona did with your meth? No.
We have to ask her.
- [CARL AND DEBBIE.]
No.
- [IAN.]
Hell no.
Well, has somebody got a better idea? [LIP.]
Something you can sell? I mean, someone you know that could loan us that kind of money? [IAN.]
Hey, Debs, how about Neil? He literally just broke up with me.
He said I'm a horrible person.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[FRANK.]
Evening, family.
- [DEBBIE.]
Jesus, Frank! - [IAN.]
Whoa.
- [DEBBIE.]
Is that a squirrel? - What the hell is that? [FRANK.]
Roadkill, I'm afraid.
I'll give him a proper burial tomorrow.
Jesus.
Indeed.
[LIP.]
Frank, do you have any cash? We gotta pay this Eric guy, for real.
[FRANK.]
Of course.
[LIP.]
Thanks.
Seven fucking dollars? We could rob where you work.
- Know where they keep the safe? - Absolutely not.
You're the one that got us into this shit, Frank.
Monica.
Not me.
And it's Francis now.
I no longer resonate with a hard K.
[SIGHING.]
Oh, fuck it.
- Let's talk to Fiona.
- Yep.
ROCK MUSIC [EXHALES.]
[INHALES.]
That's strange.
I have I have a strange [PANTS SHORTLY.]
a strange feeling.
I oof.
Liam, do I feel warm to you? [PANTING.]
Nah.
[GROANS SOFTLY.]
[SIGHS GROANINGLY.]
Ah.
My back.
[GROANS.]
[GRUNTS, GROANS.]
It's like my blood is warming.
[GROANS, SIGHS.]
Sign over the bar to me and I'll tell them that we were legit married and this was all just a big mistake.
No.
I will sell my bar and live like a queen in Russia with all my money.
[VERONICA.]
Bullshit.
Your dream is a Quiznos in Kansas.
[DISTANT CHATTER.]
I keep two-thirds of bar.
One-third, and you pay Kev's medical bills.
You also agree to take care of the three kids three days a week.
- We are thrupple again? - [VERONICA.]
No.
I manage bar and all bills.
We do that together, and you teach me - what I don't know.
- I teach you.
But Kev, he is too stupid for math.
- It's the inbreeding.
- [SVETLANA.]
What? We have a deal? UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC If we weren't so screwed, we wouldn't ask for your help.
[CARL.]
The dude almost drowned me in my own hot tub.
[DEBBIE.]
You don't have to help us, but it would be really helpful - if you could just tell us - Tell us what you did with the last two pounds of meth.
[SIGHS.]
[IAN.]
Is this the part where you lecture us? - 'Cause if you could just speed it up a little bit, that - You wanna be a smartass, or do you want my help? I'm taking my time with this because I want you all to remember this how hard you tried not to have to come to me.
Because if you didn't have to come to me, then maybe you could just get through all this without having to admit one simple truth.
Which is that I was right.
When I told you that keeping the meth - was a bad idea - [LIP.]
Mm-hmm.
[WHISPERING.]
I was right.
When I begged you not to take it I was right.
When I told you that selling it and turning yourselves into fucking meth dealers was a terrible decision that could go horribly wrong, I was super fuckin' right.
- [IAN.]
Well - I am the one - who saw to your survival - [IAN GROANS.]
since you were babies.
I am the only reason that you are still breathing and have limbs intact.
So, I want you to remember this moment.
[FIONA.]
So that the next time that I try to warn you against a plan that Frank and Monica thought was a good idea, maybe just maybe you will fucking listen! Are you gonna tell us where the meth is or not, Fiona? TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC I am, Debs.
I am.
Right after every single one of you says "you were right.
" - [IAN SIGHS.]
- "And I was wrong, Fiona.
" Are you serious? [LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
Time is a-wastin'.
I wanna hear those words.
Okay.
You were right and I was wrong, Fiona.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[EXHALES SMUGLY.]
Mm-hmm.
[SIGHS.]
You were [CHOKES SOFTLY, SUCKS TEETH.]
right and I was wrong.
Fiona.
[SIGHS.]
You were fuckin' right and we were fuckin' wrong, Fiona.
I wasn't wrong.
I took what was mine.
I'm not sorry for it.
That's how life works sometimes.
It didn't go my way.
Now, can you please tell us where you put the rest of the drugs so that motherfucker doesn't eat your eyeballs too? - [DOOR OPENS.]
- [FRANK.]
Guilt! It's guilt! [FRANK.]
It's guilt.
This feeling I've been having in my stomach and in my bones and in my veins.
[CHUCKLES SHARPLY.]
I've discovered guilt.
[FRANK.]
Don't you understand? I'm here to help.
Does "help" include use of your employee discount? 'Cause we're gonna need a lot of shovels.
- [ALL GRUNTING.]
- [IAN.]
This is some seriously sick shit.
- It's no joke, Fiona.
- [ALL GRUNTING.]
God, who buries her mother with meth? Shouldn't you be asking what kind of a mother leaves her kids meth? [CARL.]
For fuck's sake.
I gotta take a piss.
[FRANK.]
I wonder what other new feelings life has in store for me.
[FRANK.]
I've known glee, passion, joy, grief, despair.
Were you planning on naming, uh, all the human emotions? 'Cause maybe you could help dig while you did that.
Regret that would be a new one.
Remorse don't think I've had that one, either.
- [FIONA GROANS.]
- Jesus Christ.
Crucifixion I have known.
The woman we're digging up saw to that.
- She nailed you to a cross? - [FRANK.]
It was a sex thing.
I don't like to talk about it.
[FIONA.]
Ugh.
God damn it, this is hard.
[VEHICLE APPROACHING.]
[ENGINE RUMBLING.]
[ALL SHOUTING.]
Go! Oh, my God! [BRAKES SQUEAKING.]
ROCK MUSIC [LIP.]
Whoa, careful, Carl! Don't go too deep, all right? [SIBLINGS SCREAMING.]
[FIONA.]
[WHIMPERS.]
[CARL.]
Oops.
[FIONA.]
Oh, no.
[DEBBIE.]
What do we do? Maybe we should hold hands and take a moment of silence? - [IAN.]
Ugh! - [FRANK.]
Oh, fuck.
- [LIP.]
Oh, Jesus.
- [ALL RETCHING.]
[LIP.]
All right, where's the fucking drugs? [FIONA.]
I put them under her.
[ALL COUGHING AND RETCHING.]
[FIONA.]
I'll get the drugs if you guys put her back in the coffin.
[LIP.]
Fuckin' A - [DEBBIE RETCHES.]
- [LIP.]
Ugh.
[LIP.]
God.
[GRUNTS.]
You were so right, Fiona.
[CARL.]
You were right.
We were fucking wrong.
Oh, my God.
Ugh.
[SIBLINGS COUGHING, GROANING.]
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
Come on in.
Get in.
Sweet Jesus.
What is that smell? [SNIFFS.]
Ugh, God.
[CARL.]
I I have my hot tub.
It's worth, like, four K.
It's, like, 33,000 in all.
[ERIC SIGHS.]
That's not enough.
- You still owe me 37 grand! - Stop, stop.
[FRANK.]
Let me handle this, please.
[FRANK.]
Eric, is it? You were Monica's partner, I take it? Which means half of the drugs belonged to her, and we have done all we can to pay you back for your half.
That smell? That reek, Eric? That stench that's filling your nostrils? That's Monica.
Dead, rotting, beautiful, tortured, magnificent, ridiculous, worm-infested Monica.
She died.
[FRANK.]
We watched her die.
[FRANK.]
And then we put her in the ground.
We buried some drugs with her, but that's neither here nor there.
And then we dug her up.
But two bags of meth plus nine grand and a hot tub? That's all we've got.
That's it.
[FRANK.]
And now she's six feet under again.
And if you come near my family, Eric, as God as my witness, I will bury you with her.
Are we clear? Yeah.
We're clear.
TENSE ROCK MUSIC [DOOR CLANKING OPEN.]
[SIGHS.]
Thanks Francis.
Your love for me True And precise It nice the echo From the tree I'll break Some day I'll break Into the old house [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
[SCOFFS SOFTLY.]
[SIGHS.]
Did you have a chance to reconsider my friends' application? I did not have that chance, Mel.
I was dealing with a family situation.
And I was too busy texting Bahir and discovering your bedbug bullshit.
So? [INHALES DEEPLY.]
[FIONA.]
So I've been trying to be nice.
Been trying to be mature.
Trying to rise above my station in life.
But if you wanna go ghetto on me I will beat you at that game every fucking time.
So, you're gonna call Bahir and tell him that you were lying.
'Cause if you don't I'll fill your bed with real bedbugs just so I have an excuse to burn all your shit in the street.
And then I'll evict you so that I can double your rent.
'Cause you don't scare me.
We clear? All right, baby.
You can do this.
I'm right here.
[SIGHS.]
[LINE TRILLING.]
[MAN.]
Hello? - [MAN.]
Hello? Is anybody there? - [WOMAN.]
Who is it? Hello? Um I was uh, found at a gas station [INHALES DEEPLY.]
Outside of Skokie, Illinois, when I was two years old.
That was about 30 years ago.
- And I - [MAN.]
Oh, my God, it's Bart! - [WOMAN.]
What? - [MAN.]
Bart, is that you? I think it's Bart.
Oh, my God.
[MAN AND WOMAN TALKING EXCITEDLY.]
I'm Bart? I'm Bart from Kentucky.
[MAN.]
Is that you? Bart, are you there? [MAN AND WOMAN TALK EXCITEDLY.]
DAN CROLL'S "AWAY FROM TODAY" I hit the ground running Running all the way from sin She stole my heart faster Than the bullet that I put in him [SIGHS.]
Well, shit.
She took the case and I grabbed the wheels She taught me to fend and taught me to steal away [INHALES.]
- My hands are shaking - [MAN.]
Svetlana Fisher.
The long you seek away Away Away from today Spasibo.
Away from today Away from today Hey.
Okay, you don't have to go to rehab, 'cause we brought rehab to you.
[SIGHS.]
Go away.
- [LIP.]
No, look.
- [YOUENS.]
Hey.
I'm not let you just roll over and die, all right? [BRAD.]
We're just gonna tell you our stories, - see if you relate.
- [LIP.]
Yeah.
Brad can tell you about the time he almost killed his girlfriend, and, uh, Dan has some surprising hooking-for-drugs stories.
It's good stuff.
Didn't know AA made house calls.
[BRAD.]
Oh, yeah.
Think of us like, uh, foul-mouthed Jehovah's Witnesses.
You don't have to do anything but listen, all right? Can I drink while I listen? Not a problem.
Away from today Away from today [WOMAN ON TV.]
Go up with the hips.
Go left, right [FLIES BUZZING.]
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC DAN CROLL'S "AWAY FROM TODAY" Hey.
Maybe he wants me to know he got clean.
You don't need to deal with that.
You're a strong, independent woman, just like me.
This sober sex thing, it's not working for me.
If you gotta, then try no-string sex.
What can I do to be a better father? We don't have enough fathers in our PTA car wash.
- Can't be afraid to get wet.
- Find me.