The Goldbergs s08e03 Episode Script

1 ADULT ADAM: Ah, politics of the '80s.
- TV gave us the great soundbite - There you go again.
devastating one-liners Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy.
the iconic ad NARRATOR: It's morning again in America.
and whatever this was supposed to be.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- And then there was the day that politics showed up on our doorstep.
Hello, citizen.
Dodd Wembley.
I'm running for comptroller of our fair city.
Here.
Have a button.
You want me to take a needle and stab my cheetah face? That is quite the majestic cat on your front there.
S'pose a hat wouldn't do the trick? Like I'm gonna jam my best feature into your ball cap.
Welp, don't forget to vote on Tuesday.
Dodd Wembley, comptroller.
Tell me how do you plan to comptrol the leaves in my gutter? I don't.
That's not what a comptroller does.
Passing the buck, I see.
I tell you what.
If you let me leave, I'll find someone to cut something down.
Or you could just unbutton your shirt and try to nurse me, 'cause clearly you think I was born yesterday.
I give up.
Vote, don't vote, do whatever you want.
Oh, I'm a voter.
I vote hard and often, and I have to say you have zero charisma, charm, or appeal.
Seems unfair, but I'm running unopposed, so I technically don't need your vote.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna throw all my support behind your opponent.
I have no opponent.
You do now me! What's that now? I'm at a crossroads in my life, as you know.
I do not.
We just met.
Political office will give me purpose in my empty-nest years.
- Oh.
- And that is why I am officially declaring my candidacy for What is this again? Comptroller.
I am now this fair city's comptroller! Still gotta have an election.
Ah! Even more to do! America! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was October 28th, 1980-something.
Erica and Geoff were finally going to be in college together, and he was busy with her last-minute packing.
All these slippers coming with, Hon? I don't know, Geoff.
Yes? No? Take some initiative.
Sorry, panda slippers, she will see you on break.
Oh, the panda slippers are so cute.
You're not bringing the pandas? The answer's right there in your angry tone! This apartment looks perfect for us one bedroom, light and airy - Is it on campus? - Hell no.
We wanna be as far away from that place as possible.
Perfect! Also, why exactly? 'Cause campus is for freshmen.
But I am a freshman.
Who's dating a sophomore, so you can skip all that freshman nonsense because I've done it already.
I guess I never looked at it that way.
'Cause why would I? Listen, it's just a bunch of loud, sweaty parties where you're stuck with dumbasses who are going through the same giant life change as you.
Who would want that fun and familiarity? Well, thank you, Sweets.
I got dangerously close to actually getting excited about something.
It's cool.
It all worked out.
But I'm just not sure how I'm gonna tell my orientation leader that I'm skipping all that stuff.
He seemed to think it was really important.
Geoff, you don't need to listen to some dipwad in a T-shirt and visor.
And yet he does! This powerful visor is a badge that allows me to do and say anything I want.
- That's not right.
- That's not even how badges work.
Thusly, I've been entrusted with overseeing Geoff's transition from dorky civilian - Guilty.
- to hard-partying freshman, whose love of beer and lack of ambition become sources of real concern for his community.
Dude, what do you know about orienting freshmen? You may recall my own freshman experience was less than stellar.
Yeah, you sucked butt academically and socially.
Silence! Not in front of Ren.
I know what I'm working with.
The point is, I want to help others have the fun I missed.
And I get a visor.
Okay? It's all the best parts of a hat minus the annoying middle! I stopped caring.
But Geoff wants no part of Freshman Week.
He's got an upperclass girlfriend, and we're over it.
- Opposite! - Maybe I could just stop by for some ice cream? Fine, go.
You'll see for yourself how lame it is.
Barry wins! Thanks, Babe, for allowing me to learn by failing.
With that, Geoff's Freshman Week began.
And Barry kicked it off with a classic egg toss.
Look alive! Here's another! You're paying tuition for this.
And then, there were ice-breaking games.
Wooden teeth, crossed the Delaware Am I George Washington? - Yes! - Yes! - Noice! - Why? Yep, Barry was gonna make sure Geoff slid into freshman year in style.
Oh, no! Ooh! I probably could've placed that better.
- Are you okay? - Okay? I've never felt so alive! - Freshmen forever! - You're a sophomore! - Whoo! - Whoo! While Barry was helping Geoff throw himself into freshman life, my mom had fully caught the politics bug.
What the hell? I was gonna play "Frogger 2" down here.
It's exactly like the original except the frog can ride a duck.
Schmoo, sit your dimpled tushy down and help me corner the youth vote.
Youths can't vote, so I'll catch you later.
Help me or I'll donate your froggie duck game to the synagogue bazaar.
With Purim on deck? I can't take that risk.
Aw, he's in 'cause he wants to be! Okay.
Now, where were we? So, according to the minutes, you said, "I need a thousand 'Beverly for Comptroller' T-shirts," and then Linda inquired, "Won't that be expensive?" and then you shouted, "I don't care what it costs!" And then you called Linda a "sun-baked shoe.
" I would never say that.
I said 2,000.
What's all this? For some reason, Mom's running for city comptroller.
- That's real? - I'm excited, too! Oh, remember how I was saying I needed to start a new chapter in my life? I vaguely remember dozing off to those words.
This is it! I'm in politics now! Oh, good for you.
Do me a favor.
Just keep it down, 'cause I'm having trouble following "The Fall Guy.
" Aah! His enthusiasm is electric! [Chuckles.]
Okay.
What should my platform be? Well, what made you want to seek this office? The leaves in my gutters.
What does that have to do with being a comptroller? I don't know, timeworn Essie, because I'm not exactly sure what a comptroller does.
Might that possibly be a liability? Ginzy, why are you even here? You said there was a fire.
A fire for politics! No, you said there was a grease fire, so I brought this bucket of sand.
Exactly! Each grain in your stupid bucket represents a life I'll change for the better! That's a pretty full bucket, Mom.
I think there's more grains in there than all the people on Earth.
How do you even count sand? Probably by weight.
- That's smart.
I never knew that.
- Yeah, I like that.
Yes! You all hear my clarion call to action! Together we can! My mom's campaign was a runaway train.
But there was one person we could always count on to pump the brakes.
I hope you're aware that your wife - is down there destroying democracy! - It had a good run.
If she wins, she's gonna bankrupt the city! Mm, changing things up.
And you know this whole thing's gonna end up - costing you a fortune! - Marriage ain't cheap.
How can you just sit there and not care about this?! - I'm a riddle.
- Pfft! I'm with the boy, Mur.
What's your game here? No game.
I'm just being a supportive husband.
I'm kinda great.
That's the thing you're not.
- I'm a riddle.
- You said that.
While my dad was surprisingly supportive, Geoff was about to get a shock of his own.
Wait till you see this! Whoa.
Brick walls and exposed pipes? Are we visiting the Tenement Museum? Nope.
It's our new home! I found us the most rad off-campus apartment anywhere.
- How far off-campus are we? - Camden, New Jersey.
That's a whole different state than the one our college is in.
Geoff, why aren't you more excited? We're in the emerging arts district.
Emerging from what? There's a sign at the restaurant across the street that says "Welcome to Little Botswana.
" Exactly.
Emerging.
There you are! Barry? How did you find us? A big draw of this place was you not knowing where it was.
Sorry.
I told him to meet me here.
Geoff, we have a James Bond mixer so freshmen can James Bond with other freshmen.
I don't get it, either.
Schwartz.
Geoff Schwartz.
License to party.
Don't do that at the mixer! Let's go.
Wait, you can't go.
We have to do a credit check, sign a lease, and put down a deposit.
Sorry, Bar, instead of making new and exciting lifelong friendships, I gotta sign stuff.
Yay! As Geoff gave in, my mom wasn't giving up on her local-government dreams.
Okay.
Who's ready for a debate? That Wembley fella said yes to a debate? I publicly questioned his manhood, so he had to! Adam recorded it.
Ah, same outfit Apollo Creed wore when he entered the ring in "Rocky.
" Good eye.
Now, remember, I've never actually been in a debate before, so I was a little rusty on the rules.
My name is Dodd Wembley.
I know Dodd Wembley.
Dodd Wembley is a friend of mine.
You, sir, are no Dodd Wembley.
I literally am.
Dodd Wembley.
There you go again.
Again? I haven't said anything.
And thanks to my mom, he wouldn't.
It's morning in Jenkintown, which means Dodd Wembley is taking his anxiety medication.
That's for one of the dogs I foster.
She played the sexism card.
So a woman couldn't do this job.
Is that what you're saying? I'm just saying I have 10 years of experience.
- There you go again.
- Stop saying that! And then she played whatever card this is.
In conclusion, Dodd Wembley is a drug addict who eats kittens.
No, you can't say that! That is a completely false and damaging statement! Oh, look who hates free speech! God bless America! You got my vote.
Oh, Murray, you are a treasure.
I have one thought, which is I'm done with this campaign and possibly our friendship.
Ginzy said my thing.
Love the outfit, though.
Sorry, Mom, I'm off this train, too.
Schmoo, I need you! Everything I'm doing, I'm doing for you! Why, exactly? So you can see that anything is possible.
I got that from the debate.
I'm out.
I'll let you shoot my campaign ad with an unlimited budget.
I always believed in you.
Let's do this! Yes! Soon, the corridors of power will be mine.
You got my vote! My sister was loving her new off-campus apartment.
But for Geoff, it was a little too off-campus.
Uh, what's with the dorkwear? It's freshman field day.
I'm on the purple team.
- White is our mortal enemy.
- You're leaving now? But I'm turning this drab nook into a twinkly wonderland.
Yeah, I-I love how hard it'll be for me to see my textbooks.
You're not gonna help us? I guess I could be late to the thing I'm really excited about because of these lights that just kinda - meander across the wall.
- There ya go, Kris Kringle.
Grab some thumb tacks and go where the wire takes ya.
Yep, always the supportive boyfriend, Geoff once again put Erica first.
Over here, I guess? Freshman Week would have to wait.
- Hey.
- Geoff, where you been? It's Field Day, not Field Early Evening.
I caught a fierce headwind on the Ben Franklin Bridge, but I'm here now.
Let the games begin! We just let them end.
So, let 'em begin again.
Ooh, the sack race! I'm a demon at that! Oh, this is not empty, and it's also wet.
Yeah, you're jumping in trash and beer vomit, but here's a fun event you finish cleaning up.
Turns out the sack race wasn't all Geoff missed.
There was the surprise guest speaker.
Holy crap! That was life-changing! What was life changing? A boring meeting with no fun surprises? Maya Angelou, bro! She read a poem and did a kamikaze shot! She knows why the caged bird parties.
As the week went on, Geoff couldn't catch a break.
- What happened to you? - Tell me it's not over.
It was so cool! Sheets are not just for ghosts or creating forts.
Can I get a redo? I'm free tomorrow afternoon! Eh, it was once-in-a-lifetime, never to be duplicated.
The Bangles came by and welcomed us with a song.
Oh, no.
Was it "Walk Like An Egyptian"? - Does this answer your question? - It does! - Boneyard does it better.
- Who's Boneyard? I gave everyone nicknames while you were gone, but don't worry, you got one.
- You're "No Show.
" - "No Show"? I have other options Jersey Guy, Geoffrey Come Lately, St.
Elsewhere, Off Ramp, the White Shadow, Figment, Mysterio, Invisible Man, King Gone, The Misser, The Great Flake, Mr.
Missed It.
I don't want to be called any of those! "No Show" it is! - I've missed everything.
- You have! Did you know Neil and Lauren are a couple now? I don't even know who you're talking about.
Sorry Woodchip and The Wolf.
Okay, if I don't know who they are, then how would I know their nicknames? Hey, don't get mad at me, No Show.
You're the one who lives off campus.
But I didn't choose that.
As No Show missed everything, my mom was doing everything she could to make the perfect campaign ad.
Okay.
Now dazzle me with a mind so brilliant, I will never make it have a summer job.
Well, I realized I'm more sci-fi than politics, so I'm thinking a stop-motion re-creation of the Battle of Endor, where you're leading the Alliance We'll keep that in mind for when the voting age is 7.
- Next! - Hurtful.
Okay, everyone loves a parody and break dancing.
Thus, "Breakin' 2: Election Boogaloo.
" Skip to the ones that don't suck.
Tough but fair.
Okay.
You know the fast-talking guy from the Micro Machine commercials? This is the Micro Machine Man, presenting the most midget, miniature motorcade of Micro Machines.
We hire him to list and hopefully hide your lack of qualifications.
Beverly Goldberg has no experience or discernable skills, but you're not understanding a word I'm saying so maybe you'll vote for her anyway.
Okay, I'm gonna put this gently your ideas are crap.
Not sure you're nailing "gently.
" I need something catchy and inspired and This is a story about control.
My control.
Control of what I say and control of what I do.
What kind of feast for the eyes is this? That's "Control," Janet Jackson's masterpiece and her personal testament to self-actualization.
You know a lot about this Janet Jackson.
She was Willis's girlfriend on "Diff'rent Strokes.
" This is what I want.
And you're gonna give it to me, because I gave you life.
That comes up more than it should, but sure.
This is a story about comptrol.
My comptrol.
Comptrol of what I say and comptrol of what I do.
And this time, I'm gonna do it my way.
This time? I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.
Are we ready? I am.
'Cause it's all about comptrol.
And I've got lots of it.
[Cheers and applause.]
When I was 17 I did what people told me Did what my father said And let my mother mold me But that was long ago I'm in comptrol Never gonna stop Comptrol Get what I want Comptrol And it goes on like that for another 17 minutes.
- Isn't it amazing? - I have so many questions.
Starting with, what the [bleep.]
was that? Just a rousing appeal to the voters of Jenkintown.
Murray, please jump in here! I like it.
Yay! Schmoo, let's send a copy to MTV.
They'll play it, and we'll have the youth vote in the bag.
That's for sure how it works.
All right, Murray, it's a fact you're up to something.
Can't a man support his wife? If the man is you? Typically, no.
She's clearly out of comptrol.
What's going on? You know how Bevy's always looking for purpose in her life and she always has these bad ideas of what her next chapter should be? Sure.
Teaching.
Cookbooking.
Selling mannequins door to door.
It was surprising how well that went.
I'm sick of being the one to tell her how stupid her life choices are.
There's probably a better way to say that.
Exactly.
I'm gonna let the voters tell her for me.
Let them be the bad guy.
And then, I'll be the supportive husband who doesn't have to move.
That actually makes some sense.
That's what I was going for.
I just found out that the comptroller doesn't get an inaugural ball.
When you win, I'm gonna throw you the biggest one the city's ever seen, my love.
Mwah! Mwah! Unh! Unh! Unh! ADULT ADAM: While my mom was on top of the political world, Geoff's Freshman Week had bottomed out.
There's my guy.
How was your toga thingy? Must have been crazy, 'cause you got a little soot on ya.
This isn't soot.
It's exhaust from the many vehicles on the New Jersey Turnpike.
You know, funny story.
I actually drove right by the school.
- I could've taken you.
- That is funny! [Laughing.]
Dude, what's with the crazy laugh? You seem miffed.
Oh, my God.
How do you not get it?! I don't want to live here! What? But we decided No, you decided! You lectured me on how all the stuff that I thought was important was lame and dumb! Only because I know better.
Here's something I know you're gonna make this right.
What? How would I even do that? By giving me my Freshman Week back! Come on.
Geoff wasn't gonna let Erica off the hook, even though he really didn't have much of a plan.
Geoff, what the hell are you doing? The classic Penn tradition The Naked Mile! Wait.
You're streaking? Here? In Camden, New Jersey? Hell yeah I am! Ever since we got together, I've been all about what Erica wants.
But right now, it's about what I want.
And I wanna jog naked in these unknown streets! Oh, God.
Please don't take your underwear off.
Let's just go inside, and we can talk about it.
There's nothing to talk about.
Behold my body, Little Botswana! - [Siren chirps.]
- Oh, no! Oh, yeah.
It's not what it looks like, Officer.
This is just a storied tradition at a college in another state.
Oh.
Then it's cool.
- Really? - Not at all.
As Geoff laid himself bare, my mom could barely contain her Election Day excitement.
Does this outfit say, "I'm in Comptrol"? Big-time.
I have to tell you, Murray, I don't think I could've done this without you.
I'm good like that.
So what was the atmosphere like at the elementary school when you went to vote? It was electric and, uh, goose bumps and whatnot.
Oh! So exciting! Yeah.
Where's your "I Voted" sticker? Oh.
Wow.
It must've fallen off outside.
You know, it's windy as can be.
Murray, you did vote, didn't you? [Chuckles.]
You know it.
Making my voice heard.
- And you voted in the gym? - In the gym! Exercising my civic duty.
It was in the cafeteria.
- Oh, boy.
- "Oh, boy" is right! I thought I had the support of the most important person in my life.
And you couldn't even be bothered to get up off your butt and vote for me? Bevy, you don't even know what a comptroller is.
You don't even want the job.
How dare you tell me what I want! This is the first thing in a long time I've been excited about.
And you know what? I'm gonna do it anyway.
All on my own.
Thanks for nothing, Murray.
Geoff's naked run had gotten him in trouble, and there was one person who thought he could help.
Officer! I demand you release this freshman to my custody.
- Look, I really don't have the - Shh! Excuse me.
I'm talking.
Now, I know this is messy, in terms of jurisdiction, but orientation leader trumps beat cop any day of the week.
I'm trying to tell you he's free to go.
He won't get out the car.
He lost his mind because he missed some party.
It wasn't just one party.
He missed all of Freshman Week.
A lifetime of memories.
He will never get that back.
Aw, damn it.
I took his whole special week from him.
Can I go in and talk to him? Somebody do something.
Could I ask you some accuracy questions about "Turner & Hooch"? You need to leave now.
Hey.
I don't want to talk about it.
Then I will.
Geoff, I'm so sorry about everything.
Whatever.
I should've never pushed the apartment on you.
And I took for granted how sweet and agreeable and loving you are and it was selfish.
That's nice, but it's not just the apartment.
- It's literally everything.
- That's not true.
Oh, my God, it's always been true.
When we got together, I was an insecure pushover who was so grateful to get you that I didn't care that we did everything on your terms.
I didn't want that.
I know.
It's my fault, too.
I let it happen.
- But no more.
- So, what are you saying? I'm saying I don't want to live together anymore.
You're breaking up with me? Please, just I'll do anything.
- Don't do this.
- Stop.
We're not breaking up.
I just need to carve out some space for me.
I want to be a freshman.
Okay.
I get it.
Then that's what we'll do.
But when you're done with your freshman stuff, will you come hang out with your super-cool off-campus girlfriend? That would make me happy.
Then that's all that matters.
You're goin' through changes Change - Whoo! - Hey.
I know this doesn't make up for what a jerk I've been, but, uh Thanks, but didn't do a lot of good.
That bad? It was a landslide.
You were right.
I just wanted to find something, you know? And you will.
So you lost.
Come on.
Who cares? Look at what you accomplished.
You got your name on the ballot, you made a great campaign video, and I saw you smoke a guy in a debate.
I did, didn't I? Yeah! You're Beverly Goldberg.
You're relentless.
Imagine how it's gonna be when you find the right thing.
That day, my mom learned she'd always have my dad's vote.
'Cause that's what you do for the people you love.
You sure you're okay with this? Absolutely.
Besides, if you backed out now, I think your new roommate might kill you.
- No way! - Way! My orienting made me realize it would be fun to have another shot at campus life.
Especially with you.
Dude! Going through changes Sometimes all you have to do to support the people in your life is be there for them.
Other times, it's about giving them the space they need.
[Laughs.]
But either way, the fact that you found that person means you've pretty much already won.
ADAM: This is intense! I'm trying to get some light.
BEVERLY: Get the [bleep.]
in this house now! Aww! Again, being a police officer is not at all - like you see in the movies.
- Totally get that.
Question.
Is there a separate academy for people who want to become Robocops? Were you surprised to learn that a Beverly Hills cop was every bit as street savvy as a big-city cop? Are you more attracted to Cagney or Lacey? There is a right answer.
When you're on a motorcycle and you arrest someone, how do you get the bad guy to hold onto you on the ride back to the station? Would you say you're more Tango or Cash? How come every cop's biggest case happens the week they're about to retire? Could a police horse arrest a normal horse? Are you undercover "21 Jump Street"-ing me? 'Cause if I ask, you gotta tell me! I'm in my uniform! Now say, "Do you feel lucky, punk?" I really don't.