According To Jim s08e04 Episode Script

1 HI, GIRLS.
HI, DAD.
HEY.
AAH! AAH! AAH! DAD, STOP TRYING TO GE ON "AMERICA'S FUNNIES HOME VIDEOS.
" I NEED THAT $10,000-- 5 GRAND EACH FOR YOUR COLLEGE FUND.
SORRY, KYLE.
(singsongy) HA HA.
YOU HAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE.
OH, YOUR UNCLE ANDY'S COMIN'.
DEMON BOY, BACK IN THE CLOSET.
(chuckles) WHAT'S WITH THE CAMERA? WE'RE DOING A SCHOOL PROJEC ON MORBID OBESITY.
UH, SO JUST ACT NATURAL.
AH.
HI-LARIOUS.
YOU KNOW, GIRLS, WE SHARE SOME D.
N.
A.
ODDS ARE, ONE OF YOU TWO GETS THESE THIGHS.
(laughs) OH, CRAP! AAH! AAH! THAT IS PERFECT! GIRLS? CAN YOU HAND ME MY CANDY? (snores softly) (chuckles) (laughs) (laughs) (sniffs) (giggling) COME ON, GIRLS.
IT'S $10,000.
THEY DON'T JUS GIVE IT AWAY.
BUT I LIKE THE EFFORT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WHEN YOUR MOMMY COMES BACK FROM VISITING AUNT DANA, WE'LL TRY THE FAKE DOG POOP IN THE BED.
BUT WE DON'T HAVE A DOG.
YOU HAVE A BROTHER.
SCAT! JIM.
JIM.
OH, I GOTTA TALK TO YOU.
THIS IS BIG NEWS-- MAJOR LIFE DECISION HERE.
SO I SHOULD MUTE "WHEEL OF FORTUNE"? YES, PLEASE.
WHAT? I'M GONNA PROPOSE TO EMILY.
I'M GONNA ASK HER TO MARRY ME.
BAD MOVE.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? WORST IDEA OF YOUR LIFE.
SO YOU'RE ON THE FENCE? DISASTER.
TRAIN WRECK.
CAR CRASH.
DON'T DO IT.
OH, "GUNS OF NAVARONE.
" GOT IT.
DON'T WASTE MY TIME, SAJAK! I-I-I DON'T GET IT, JIM.
I LOVE EMILY.
SHE LOVES ME.
I'VE BEEN CARRYING AROUND A RING FOR WEEKS LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT.
ANDY, TRUST ME.
I AM A GREAT READER OF PEOPLE.
EMILY IS NOT READY.
WELL, I AM.
NO, ANDY, YOU ARE A DESPERATE, LONELY MAN WHO DOESN' WANT TO DIE ALONE.
DESPERATE, LONELY PEOPLE CAN GET MARRIED, TOO.
YEAH, BUT IF YOU ASK HER TOO SOON, YOU'RE GONNA BLOW IT.
REMEMBER THE TIME YOU PROPOSED TO THAT WOMAN ON THE PLANE? (gasps) WE HAD A CONNECTION.
SHE GAVE ME PEANUTS.
ANDY, SHE WAS THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT! YOU THINK YOU HAVE A CONNECTION WITH EVERYBODY.
YOU THINK YOU EVEN CONNEC WITH WOMEN AT RED LIGHTS.
OH, REMEMBER THAT ONE? SHE REALLY GAVE ME THE EYE.
SHE WAS A COP, AND YOU WERE DRINKIN'.
WHEN SHE PATTED ME DOWN, SHE LINGERED.
JIM, JIM, NO-- ANDY, ANDY, I'M-- I'M TELLIN' YA, EMILY IS THE ONE.
I REALLY WANT HER TO BE MY WIFE.
WELL, THEN DON'T PROPOSE TO HER TOO EARLY.
OTHERWISE, YOU'RE GONNA BLOW IT.
YOU'RE GONNA LOSE HER.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU ONLY GET ONE SHO AT THIS, ANDY.
OKAY.
OKAY.
THANKS, BUDDY.
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.
DON'T RUSH THINGS.
OH, YEAH.
(chuckles) AND WH-WHEN DID YOU BUY THE RING? OH, IT'S AN ANTIQUE THA BELONGED TO MY GRANDMOTHER.
MOM OVERNIGHTED I WHEN SHE HEARD I HAD A SECOND DATE WITH EMILY.
HEY, GUYS.
HI.
HMM.
OH.
ANDY, YOU READY TO GO SHOPPING? OH.
MY ANDYMAN NEEDS NEW UNDIE PANTS.
OH, GOING UNDERWEAR SHOPPING, HUH? YEAH, WELL, ELASTIC HAS A SHELF LIFE.
I MEAN, I'VE FALLEN OU OF THE HAMMOCK ONCE OR TWICE.
MM.
OOH! HONEY, BAT IN THE CAVE.
OH, DEAR.
OH.
NO, I GOT IT.
I GOT IT.
(chuckles) OKAY.
BLOW.
(blows) OTHER SIDE.
(blows) BIG FINISH.
(blows loudly) UP, TUG, WIPE.
OH.
(chuckles) THAT IS THE SWEETEST, MOST DISGUSTING THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
ANDY YOU GOT A MINUTE? I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU IN THE KITCHEN.
YEAH.
OH, ONE SECOND.
UP! JUST A MINUTE.
WELL, ANDY YOU HAVE TO PROPOSE TO THAT WOMAN.
WHAT? YEAH.
SHE'S READY.
SHE'S PRACTICALLY BEGGING.
YOU JUST TOLD ME IT WAS TOO SOON.
I DIDN'T KNOW ALL THE FACTS.
I DIDN'T KNOW ABOU THE NOSE BLOWING AND THE UNDERWEAR BUYING.
ANDY, IF YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU, I GOTTA KNOW THIS INFORMATION.
I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS RELEVANT.
IT'S NOTHING.
IT'S LIKE WHEN SHE TRIMS MY EYEBROWS.
(inhales sharply) SHE'S TRIMMING YOUR EYEBROWS? HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON? SIX WEEKS.
ANDY, SIX WEEKS.
ANDY, ANDY, DO I OFFEND YOU? HAVE I OFFENDED YOU? YOU CUT ME OUT OF YOUR LIFE LIKE THIS? WHAT? SHE'S BEEN TRIMMING YOUR EYEBROWS FOR SIX WEEKS.
SHE'S GOD.
MY GOD, I-I-I THINK IT'S TOO LATE.
TOO LATE? TOO--TOO--TOO LATE FOR WHAT? TO PROPOSE TO HER.
WELL, YOU'VE BEEN IGNORING HER SIGNALS FOR SO LONG, SHE'S PROBABLY TIRED OF IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I BET SHE'S ON TO THE NEXT MAN.
OH, GOD! OH, GOD! OH, GOD, OH! I'M GONNA LOSE HER! I'M GONNA LOSE HER! NOT IF YOU PROPOSE TO HER THIS VERY MINUTE.
REALLY? YES.
TRUST ME.
I'M A GREAT READER OF PEOPLE.
BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE, JIM.
YOU'RE NO A GREAT READER OF PEOPLE.
YOU'RE JUST LOUDER THAN EVERYONE ELSE.
(loudly) ANDY! (lowers voice) OKAY, JUST LISTEN TO ME.
OKAY? I DON'T WANT TO SCARE YOU BUT THIS IS YOUR VERY LAST SHO AT HAPPINESS EVER.
(falsetto voice) OH, MY GOD.
NOW GET IN THERE AND PROPOSE TO THAT WOMAN AND MAKE HER YOUR WIFE.
OKAY.
NOW I REALLY DO NEED NEW UNDERPANTS.
COME ON.
HONEY, I JUST NEED TO HIT THE BATHROOM (whispers) THERE'S NO TIME FOR THIS.
AND THEN WE CAN GO.
THERE'S NO TIME FOR THIS.
OH, BUT I REALLY DO NEED-- THIS CAN'T WAIT.
THIS CAN'T WAIT.
I HAVE SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO ASK YOU.
JIM HAS SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO ASK YOU.
(chuckles) OH! (grunts) EMILY, I-I LOVE YOU.
PUT THIS RING ON YOUR FINGER AND--AND SAY YOU'LL BE MY WIFE.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE-- YOU'RE THE ONLY WOMAN FOR ME.
YEAH, I-I-I-I-I WANT YOU TO BLOW MY NOSE AND TRIM MY EYEBROWS FOREVER.
YES.
YES, YOU'LL MARRY ME, OR YES, YOU'LL BLOW MY NOSE? YES, I'LL MARRY YOU, AND I'LL BLOW YOUR NOSE, AND I'LL TRIM YOUR EYEBROWS, AND I'LL PLUCK YOUR BACK HAIR, BUT RIGHT NOW I AM ABOUT TO PEE MY PANTS.
OH! I'VE WANTED TO HEAR THOSE WORDS FOR SO LONG.
(giggles) OH, MY GOD! I'M GETTIN' MARRIED! THANK YOU, JIM.
THANK YOU FOR GUIDING ME.
ACTUALLY, YOU'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE.
A MISTAKE? YEAH.
YOU JUST TOLD ME SHE WAS READY.
AND--AND SHE SAID YES! ANDY, TRUST ME.
I'M A GREAT READER OF PEOPLE.
EMILY WAS NOT EXCITED ABOUT GETTING MARRIED.
WHEN A WOMAN IS EXCITED, SHE GOES LIKE THIS (falsetto voice) "YES! YES! OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! "I'M GETTING MARRIED! GREAT, GREAT, GREAT! "THIS IS THE GREATEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME! I'M GONNA CALL MY MOMMY!" YEAH, THAT'S NOT HER STYLE.
(normal voice) YEAH.
SHE'S A 40-YEAR-OLD WOMAN WITH 2 KIDS.
SHE SHOULD BE DOING NAKED CARTWHEELS.
I'M TELLING YOU, MAN-- (shouting indistinctly) WHOO! WHOO-HOO! YES! THERE'S MY GUY! THERE'S MY GIRL! UNH-UNH.
WASH YOUR HANDS? YES.
MM.
WITH SOAP AND HOT WATER? YES.
THEN COME HERE! MWAH! (laughs) OH, LET'S GO OUT TONIGH AND CELEBRATE, HUH? THIS IS THE FIRST NIGH OF THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
OOH, OOH, TONIGHT'S A BAD NIGHT FOR ME.
OH, REALLY? WHY? WELL, I HAVE A BUSINESS MEETING.
WITH WHOM? OH, A-A FRIEND OF MINE.
LET'S MAKE TOMORROW THE FIRS NIGHT OF THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
OKAY, YEAH.
WE'LL START TOMORROW.
THAT'S WHAT I DO WITH MY DIETS.
YEAH, THOSE ALWAYS WORK.
MM.
MWAH.
OKAY, LATERS.
LATERS.
OOH, ALMOST FORGOT MY RING.
UH, EMILY? YEAH? OH, DON'T FORGET TO WASH MY FINGERS BEFORE I PUT IT ON? (grunts) YOU'RE GONNA MAKE SUCH A GOOD WIFE.
YEAH.
WHOO-HOO-HOO! (sighs) TOO BAD.
I REALLY LIKED HER, TOO.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.
IT'S HER.
ALL THE SIGNALS ARE WRONG.
AND WHAT ABOU THIS DINNER THING? NO, NO.
I THINK SHE WANTS OUT.
CAN I BE HAPPY FOR FIVE SECONDS, PLEASE? FINE.
SHE'S PROBABLY SEEING SOMEBODY ELSE.
DAMN IT! HEY, LISTEN, YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH? LET'S JUST FOLLOW HER TO DINNER AND FIND OUT THE TRUTH.
NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I LOVE HER.
I TRUST HER.
I ASKED HER TO MARRY ME.
SHE SAID YES.
I DON'T NEED TO KNOW ANYTHING MORE.
ANDY, IF YOU TRUST HER I TRUST HER.
(sighs) DO YOU KNOW HER PASSWORD TO HER E-MAIL? OHH! COME ON! COME ON.
(speaks indistinctly) I KNEW IT! OH, EXCUSE ME.
UM, CAN YOU GET THE PEOPLE TO TURN THE MUSIC DOWN? I'M HAVING TROUBLE EAVESDROPPING ON MY FRIENDS.
TURN UP YOUR HEARING AID, GRAMPS.
I'M SO GLAD WE COULD GET TOGETHER TONIGHT.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE ABOUT YOU.
I KNOW YOU DO, AND I CARE ABOUT YOU.
GOD, YOU LOOK GREAT.
THANKS.
JERRY? YEAH? I REALLY, REALLY WANT TO DO THIS.
LET'S NOT WAI ANOTHER SECOND.
REALLY? RIGHT HERE IN THE RESTAURANT? DON'T YOU WAN A LITTLE PRIVACY? I SUPPOSE WE COULD GO BACK TO MY PLACE.
(speaks indistinctly) AAH! AAH! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE, EMILY? WHO IS THIS GUY? WHO IS THIS GUY? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE CHEATING ON ANDY WITH THIS GUY.
I'M NOT CHEATING ON ANDY WITH JERRY.
I'M TECHNICALLY CHEATING ON JERRY WITH ANDY.
WHO'S ANDY? WHO ARE YOU?! THIS IS MY HUSBAND.
HE OWNS THE PLACE.
YOU MEAN EX-HUSBAND.
UM N-NO.
THIS IS VERY COMPLICATED.
I SUPPOSE WE SHOULD JUST ORDER.
JERRY AND I SEPARATED TWO YEARS AGO, BUT I'M NOT ACTUALLY, TECHNICALLY, LEGALLY DIVORCED.
AND THEN I MET ANDY, AND I REALLY LIKED HIM AND KINDA, SORTA, MOSTLY LIED ABOUT BEING ACTUALLY, TECHNICALLY, LEGALLY DIVORCED.
SO DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU KINDA, LEGALLY, TECHNICALLY SKANKY? I KNOW IT LOOKS BAD, BUT I'M HERE TONIGH TO FINALLY MAKE JERRY SIGN THE DIVORCE PAPERS.
WELL, THEN WHAT'S STOPPING YOU? I DON'T LIKE TO HURT PEOPLE'S FEELINGS, AND HE'S GONNA CRY.
GONNA CRY? SO WHAT? OH, IT'S NOT JUST CRYING.
IT'S SOBBING, CONVULSING, CAN'T-CATCH-YOUR-BREATH, I-MIGHT-THROW-UP WEEPING.
LOOK, HE JUST NEEDS A MAN TO TALK TO.
(sighs) HE'LL BE FINE.
TRUST ME.
I'M A GREAT READER OF PEOPLE.
(sobbing) (continues sobbing) LISTEN, WHY--WHY DON'T YOU JUS SIGN IT AND DATE IT RIGHT HERE? (sobbing loudly) LISTEN, I CAN TELL THAT YOU'RE UPSET, MAN.
YOU ORDERED SOME FRIES? YEAH-- TAKE THOSE AWAY! (continues sobbing) LISTEN, LISTEN, YOU ARE A MAN.
YOU GOTTA START ACTING LIKE ONE.
I KNOW, BUT I JUST CAN'T.
IT'S TOO HARD.
I'M A MIDDLE CHILD.
SURE YOU ARE, SURE YOU ARE, BUT YOUR JOB RIGHT NOW IS TO SUCK IT UP AND DO THE RIGHT THING.
AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT? WE CAN CELEBRATE.
WE COULD HAVE SOME FRIES, MAYBE A SHRIMP BASKET.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I SHOULD BE MORE OF A MAN.
THAT'S IT! I'M GONNA FIGHT FOR MY WOMAN! AND--AND SIGN THE PAPER? NO! I'M NEVER GONNA LET HER GO! YOU OWE ME $1,200 FOR THE SCREEN! (sobbing loudly) (sobbing) OH! LOOK AT YOU TWO, THE HAPPY COUPLE.
(laughs) I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
I NEED TO SPEAK YOU.
AND I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOU.
OH, AND I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOU.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO YOU FIRST.
I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO EMILY FIRST.
AND THEN I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO YOU, THEN EMILY, THEN YOU AGAIN.
I CAN GO FIRST OR THIRD, BUT I CAN'T GO SECOND.
EVERYTHING OKAY? YEAH, GREAT.
FINE.
FINE.
YOU OKAY? OH, I'M TERRIFIC.
(laughs) HEY, WHY DON'T YOU WAIT IN THE KITCHEN? WHY THE KITCHEN? YOU WANT A BEER.
OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I DO WANT A BEER.
EVERYTHING'S BETTER WHEN YOU'RE ENGAGED.
EMILY, WE GOT A PROBLEM.
I TALKED TO JERRY FOR HOURS, AND I COULDN'T GET HIM TO SIGN IT.
OH, POO.
POO? POO? YOU ARE ENGAGED AND MARRIED.
I THINK IT WARRANTS MORE THAN THAT-- MAYBE A "CRAP" OR A "HOLY CRAP.
" EMILY, YOU HAVE GO TO TELL ANDY ABOUT THIS.
OH, BUT THAT WOULD CRUSH HIM, AND I DON'T WAN TO HURT HIS FEELINGS.
LOOK, EITHER YOU TELL HIM, OR I'M GONNA TELL HIM.
AND JERRY SAID YOU OWE HIM $1,200 FOR THAT SCREEN.
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S NOT MY TURN TO SPEAK.
I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER.
EMILY, I HAVE TICKETS ON THE NEXT FLIGHT TO VEGAS.
LET'S GET MARRIED.
OH, YEAH, EMILY, WHAT DO YOU SAY, UH, MAKING ANDY YOUR ONE AND ONLY HUSBAND? I SAY I CAN'T (sighs) WAIT TO GET MARRIED! LET'S GO! YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU TWO DESERVE EACH OTHER.
OH, HE'S RIGHT.
HE'S A GREAT READER OF PEOPLE.
AHA! I FINALLY TRACKED YOU DOWN.
IS THIS HIM? WHOA.
YOU'RE A LITTLE BIGGER THAN I THOUGHT YOU'D BE.
STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE! WHO THE HELL IS YOUR WIFE? UH, I AM.
UH, THIS IS JERRY, MY NOT-QUITE-EX-HUSBAND.
HMM.
(flatly) OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE NOT DIVORCED? I'M SHOCKED, EMILY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE NOT DIVORCED? WELL, NOT ACTUALLY TECHNICALLY, LEGALLY, BUT EMOTIONALLY, THERE'S NOTHING BETWEEN US.
NOTHING BUT MY HEART AND SOUL! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, EMILY! (sobbing) I'M SORRY.
I'LL STAY MARRIED TO YOU, JUST PLEASE DON'T CRY.
(high-pitched wailing) WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
YOU'RE NOT GETTING DIVORCED? (sobbing) BUT I LOVE YOU! OH, NO.
DON'T, DON'T, DON'T.
I'M SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.
I'LL JUST OH, PLEASE DON'T CRY.
I'LL BE MARRIED TO BOTH OF YOU.
IT'LL BE WEIRD, BUT NOBODY WILL CRY.
I JUST CAN'T STAND THE CRYING! (sobbing) ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
KNOCK IT OFF.
KNOCK IT OFF! I SAID KNOCK IT OFF! YOU HEARD ME.
(sobbing stops) NOW LISTEN, THE REASON YOU GUYS ARE IN THIS MESS IS BECAUSE EMILY HERE IS AFRAID TO HURT PEOPLE'S FEELINGS.
AND THANK THE LORD THAT HE PUT ME ON THIS EARTH.
IT'S TRUE.
IT'S HIS GIFT.
ANDY AND EMILY ARE ENGAGED.
SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, AND YOU ARE NOT LEAVING THIS HOUSE TILL YOU SIGN THOSE DIVORCE PAPERS AND ANDY AND EMILY HAVE AGREED TO SPLIT THE $1,200.
IS THIS TRUE, EMILY? YOU'RE ENGAGED? YES.
I LOVE HIM, AND I WANT TO MARRY HIM.
BUT WHAT HAPPENS TO ME? WELL, I DON'T GIVE A POO WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU.
LOOK, UH, EMILY.
WE'RE ALL ADULTS HERE.
ENOUGH WITH THE POO.
I DON'T GIVE A HOLY CRAP WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU.
JERRY, JUST PLEASE SIGN THESE PAPERS SO I CAN GET ON WITH MY LIFE.
(sniffles) OKAY.
I GUESS I HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT.
THAT'S IT? NO CRYING? NO.
I'M A MAN (sniffles) AND IT'S ABOUT TIME I STARTED ACTING LIKE ONE.
I'M VERY HAPPY FOR YOU TWO.
NO! (sobbing) GEE, AND YOU LET THAT ONE GO? THANKS, JIM.
SO IT'S SETTLED.
WE'RE GETTING MARRIED.
WHOA.
(chuckles) HOLD ON.
A LOT HAS JUST DROPPED IN MY LAP HERE.
CAN I HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO PROCESS THE FAC THAT YOU'RE STILL MARRIED AND YOU LIED TO ME? FINE.
OKAY, VEGAS, HERE WE COME! WHAT DO YOU SAY, BETTE MIDLER, THEN MARRIAGE? WHAT ARE YOU TWO, CRAZY? OH, JIM'S RIGHT.
MARRIAGE, THEN MIDLER.
YOU BUILD TO MIDLER.
YES.
LET'S GO.
LET'S GO! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
BAD MOVE.
WOULD YOU STOP SAYING THAT? I'M GONNA KILL YOU! LISTEN, I CAN TELL.
SHE WANTS TO HAVE A REAL WEDDING.
SHE DOESN'T WAN TO GO TO VEGAS.
REALLY? JIM'S RIGHT.
JERRY AND I GOT MARRIED IN VEGAS SEE? AND CARL, MY FIRST HUSBAND.
CARL? CARL? I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING AND I'M A GOOD READER OF PEOPLE.
(Jerry) I NEVER HEARD ABOUT CARL! (sobbing)