All In The Family s08e04 Episode Script
Edith's 50th Birthday (1)
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days [SHOUTING.]
Why do I have to go over there now? The party ain't gonna be-- Shh! The party ain't gonna be till six o'clock.
Why do I have to go over there? Because I'm afraid if I leave you here you're gonna spill the beans and Ma will find out! I ain't gonna spill nothin'.
I ain't thinkin' about these things.
If you hadn't reminded me there a minute ago, I wouldn't have remembered it was your mother's birthday.
Sure.
Why should this year be any different from any other year? Well, uhshut up.
When she walks in, if she's not surprised I'm gonna know you told her.
Lemme tell you somethin'.
All these things give me one big pain in the heinie there.
The birthdays, the Mother's Days, the Father's Days, the Christmas, and all these things are invented by two guys to sell cards.
Karl and Marx.
You remember where you heard that.
And look at this.
Ain't that pretty? Bloomin' outta the ice box there.
Why don't you get all the way in there? Get in all the way! - Go on, get in there! - Daddy! Are you crazy?! What's the matter with you?! I just wanted an apple.
Look what he was rootin' in there for, - my apple.
- You want a bite? Not after ya licked it.
Pipe down and pay attention.
When Ma comes downstairs, I'm gonna say "Happy birthday," but don't you say anything.
You gonna say "Happy birthday"? You're gonna blow the whole surprise in your surprise party.
No, no, no.
Don't you see? She expects me to wish her a happy birthday because it's something that I always do.
But it's something that you never do, do she doesn't expect it from you.
Now, if I don't say anything when she expects me to say something because you don't want me to, then she's gonna know something's up because I haven't said anything when I should have.
And if you say something, which is what I don't want you to do, when you're supposed to and you shouldn't have, then Ma's gonna know something's up because you said something.
Don't you see? Don't you understand? You get more like the old lady every day.
Do you remember how you're supposed to get Ma over to our house? Yeah, sure, grab her by the ankle and drag her over there.
- No, no, no! - Don't do that! You could hit a nerve there and make somebody go cock-eyed.
[EDITH SINGING "MOON RIVER" IN DISTANCE.]
Oh, geez, there she is-- the great singin' star Beverly Stills herself.
Now, you stay here and dummy up.
Don't tell me what to do! - [SINGING.]
- GLORIA: Happy birthday, Ma! - Happy birthday! - Thank you, Mike.
You heartbreaker You're breakin' my heart, Edith.
And my ear drums, too.
Don't you want to wish me something, too? Certainly.
I wish you wouldn't sing no more.
Oh, Archie! Don't you know what day this is? Yeah, it's Saturday.
No, it's something else besides Saturday.
Oh, yeah, I remember.
Shut up.
[RASPBERRIES.]
Oh, my work, how time has flew.
I remember.
This is the first day of National Spay the Cat Week.
Oh.
If you don't know what day it is, - I ain't gonna tell ya.
- Okay, Edith, I'll spend the rest of the day tryin' to figure it out.
Surprise party.
Youse are the ones who are gonna be surprised - when she finds out.
- Why? Because your mother's gonna wet her pants.
- Daddy! - Don't hit there! It ain't my fault every time she gets excited she loses her grips over everything.
Daddy, listen to me.
I don't wanna listen to nothin'.
Why don't you go home and hang out the decorations and get out the food before all the freeloaders arrive? You could've come over and helped, you know? I helped.
I sent out all the invitations, didn't I? Yeah.
Did big fat Ethel Torkelson RSBVD yet? She's can't come.
She's sick.
Good.
She aged like a gorilla.
I hope you didn't go behind my back and invite bigmouth Sybil Gooley.
No, I didn't, but if she finds out that we're giving Ma a party and she's not invited, she'll never speak to us again.
Oh, jeez, only one way to keep that woman from speaking again.
- How? - Push her off a bridge.
Okay, now, here's the plan.
Don't hit.
That's not a hit.
This is a hit.
God! Ouch.
Now, listen to me.
You tell Ma you're comin' over to baby-sit Joey.
- Baby-sit Joey.
- And that's she's to pick you up at 6 o'clock, - I know.
- and that you're taking the two of you out to dinner.
Then when she walks in the front door, we all holler, "Surprise!" And that's when your mother wets her pants.
Don't do that! Will you tell her to stop this here?! Gloria, stop it.
Didn't work.
Jeez, you are pitiful, do you know that? Arch, did you get Ma a present? Yeah, certainly I got her a present.
She's my wife, ain't she? What did I get her, little girl? A beautiful cardigan sweater.
I know something she could use more.
- What? - Rubber pants.
You're not funny! You're not funny! Let's go, come on.
Don't forget to bring over your punchbowl.
Wait a minute, wait a minute! You got a punchbowl of your own.
I give you your anniversary, set me back $11.
Yeah, we use it for Joey's goldfish.
For the goldfish? You got a 10 cent fish livin' in an $11 bowl? That's like you living at the Waldorf.
- Lemme tell you somethin'.
- Awright, hurry up.
- Why must you always-- - I can't wait.
Hey, Edith, why must them two always be over there? Don't you know I'm sick of looking at them? What are you gonna do today? I'm going over their house.
I gotta baby-sit till 6 o'clock.
They're going to the store or something, see? What are you doing here? I'm making a cake.
Don't be doin' that.
It's my birthday today.
You don't wanna do that.
Today is my birthday, remember? Yeah, I can remember, but I don't like to remember birthdays.
Sorry, Edith, but you know birthdays give me the blues.
Oh, don't be blue.
Come on, cheer up, be happy.
Now, don't be silly.
We ain't a couple of kids here, Edith.
Come on, now, you know, between the two of us we're pressin' more than a hundred years of faded flesh here.
Oh, then you do remember how old I am! Yeah, you're 50, aren't ya? That's right! How did you remember? Oh, I got a very romantic way to remember that.
Edith, you are as old as Lindbergh's airplane.
Oh.
Ha ha ha! You know, I don't feel like 50.
Do I look like 50? You wanna know the truth? Not today.
Many happy returns of the day.
Now, you come over there and pick me up at 6 o'clock sharp, then I'm gonna take you out to dinner in a new Italian joint Parmigiana Paradiso.
Or, as I call it, St.
Garlic's Grotto.
Huh? Well, what about my cake? We'll eat the cake when we come home from the joint, see? Now, remember, Oh, and Edith, when you come over there, be sure and use their front door.
Why? Well, uh, uh-- because it's politer, Edith.
Ya know? Yeah.
[DOOR BUZZER.]
Oh.
Coming! [HUMMING.]
Sybil Gooley! What are you doing here? Why ain't you down at Ferguson's Market workin'? I'll never forgive you for this, Edith Bunker! For what? I'm not invited to the party! What party? The one I'm not invited to.
Your party! Well, I wasn't invited neither.
How can you not be invited to your own birthday party? My birthd-- Oh That's why Archie was actin-- Oh, it must be a surprise party.
But it ain't no surprise no more.
I let the cat out of the bag, huh? - Yeah.
- I'm glad.
Oh, Sybil, come on in.
I'm sure it ain't nothin' personal.
Of course it's personal.
I happen to know that Archie hates me.
Whoever told you that? Archie did.
Oh, Sybil, you know the way Archie is.
I mean, he says he hates everybody-- President Carter, Mayor Beame, Walter Cronkite, Bella Abzug, Mr.
Abzug, the Mets, the Jets, all the United Nations.
And they don't get upset, so why should you? Because they wouldn't come to your party, and I would.
Well, I'm invitin' ya.
Will ya come? No, Edith, I could never do that.
Please? All right! I better go get changed.
Oh, you don't have to change, you look beautiful.
I know.
Listen, I could get fired for telling you this, but there's gonna be a special on standing rib roast Wednesday.
- 10:00.
You be there.
- Yeah? And on account of your birthday, you come over to my checkstand, and I'll double-bag you all week! I'll see you at the party! Over at the-- Oh, don't tell me where it is.
I know too much already.
Oh! - Goodbye, Edith.
- Bye! - Oh, excuse me.
- Oh.
Hi.
- How do you do? - Hi, my name's Lambert-- Oh, wait a minute.
Now begin again.
Hi, my name is Detective Lambert.
I'm with the police department.
I'd like to ask you a couple of questions if I could.
Oh, sure! Come on in.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude, but they say women gotta be very careful these days with the robbers and the burglars Oh, no, can't be too cautious, Miss? Oh, Missus.
Bunker.
Edith Bunker.
Mrs.
Bunker.
No, you can't be too cautious, 'cause, you see, it seems there's a man in your neighborhood who's been well, he's been molesting women.
- Ohh.
- So I'd like to ask you and your husband a couple of questions if I could.
Oh, sure.
But my husband ain't here.
Oh, that's a shame.
Nobody's here.
Well, maybe you can meet him some other time.
But you can ask me questions.
Sit down.
As long as it don't take too long, 'cause I gotta get ready for my surprise birthday pa-- Oh, I ain't supposed to know.
No, no, this won't take long.
Uh first, let me just describe him to you, you know, in case you see him.
He's a man about my height and build wears a gray suit, dark hat, and ablue and gold striped tie.
Oh, just like the one you're wearing.
Yeah.
Just exactly like the one I'm wearing.
Now, you listen to me.
You cooperate with me, and you're not gonna get hurt.
- [GASPS.]
- You understand that? Okay, now you don't make any trouble, and everything is gonna be just fine, you understand? I-I'll give you anything you want.
I got some money upstairs, eight dollars, or I could give you a check.
Lady, I don't want your money.
Now, look, I don't want to hurt you, but you see this? I'd hate to have to use it.
I'd hate to have you have to, too.
All right, then.
All you gotta do is do exactly like I tell you, and everything's gonna be just fine.
Ohh! What are you gonna do to me? Just exactly what you think I'm gonna do to you.
Oh! No! You wouldn't do that, no! - No! You wouldn't! - I will! [SCREAMING.]
Hey! Knock it off! Knock it off.
All right.
Just stay quiet, okay? What are you gonna do? You ain't takin' off your clothes, are ya? Yeah.
Then I'm gonna take yours off.
Wouldn't you like a cup of coffee instead? I don't drink coffee.
I got Sanka! Lady, you're stallin', and it ain't gonna do you any good.
Now, this is gonna happen so just relax, okay? Listen, I gotta get outta here, see, I gotta get ready for my birthday party.
Happy birthday.
Oh--oh, thank you.
I'm-- I'm 50 years old.
I'm very old.
I'm-I'm-- I'm-I'm as old as Lindbergh's airplane! I like older women.
But I'm married! So am I.
No! You ain't gonna get away with this! Oh, yeah? Why not? Because my husband-- that's Archie-- he's next door where my daughter lives, and-and I'm supposed to meet him over there at 6 o'clock sharp, 'cause he's gonna take me out to dinner, to the Parmigiano Paradiso.
He calls it St.
Garlic's Grotto.
Ha ha! Ain't that funny? I guess it ain't.
But I don't think he's gonna take me out to dinner because, see, they're gonna give me a surprise party for my birthday, only I ain't supposed to know, see.
But I'm gonna act surprised.
And, see, I'm supposed to be over there at 6 o'clock sharp, and if I ain't over there by 6 o'clock then they're gonna come over here at 6 o'clock.
It's only 5:30 now.
What? Did I say 6? I have to be over there at 5:30.
- Lady, there's plenty of time.
- Oh, no! You know, you smell wonderful.
That's Lemon Pledge.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- [EDITH SCREAMS.]
- [RINGING.]
- Ohh.
Just let it ring.
- No, no! That's my husband Archie.
- So what? Well, becau-- well, he knows I'm home and-and I always answer quick, and if I don't answer quick, then he's gonna be over here! Yeah, okay.
All right, all right! - [RINGING.]
- Okay, come on.
You better answer it.
And you gotta get rid of him as fast as you can.
You're not gonna arouse any suspicion.
Otherwise my friend here is gonna come help me.
All right? Now answer it and get rid of him.
Hello? Ohh! Oh, hello, Sybil.
No, no, I don't want a birthday present.
No, don't waste your money buyin' perfume, I smell wonderful.
Just get rid of her, ya hear? Get rid of her.
Sybil, I gotta go.
No.
No, I'm all right.
I'm just rushin' around.
I got a lot to do before the party.
What? Get rid of her! But she wants to know what I got to do.
"Goodbye, Sybil.
" G'bye, Sybil.
All right.
All right, that was very good.
That was very good.
You did very well.
- Wait a minute.
- What? You-you better stop.
Why? I'm gonna be sick all over you.
Practically all the guests are here, Arch.
Do me a favor, make the champagne punch, will ya? - Aw, geez.
- What's the matter, Daddy? I forgot the punchbowl.
Aw, geez.
Don't fall apart, little girl.
I'll just run next door, I'll get it.
- I'll bring it back.
- Okay.
Hurry, Daddy.
Hey, little girl, uh, does your fish every once in a while come out of the water and lay on a rock? No.
Then he's dead.
Mr.
Jaws died.
Ohh, that's all right.
- Don't worry, don't cry.
- Oh, no! After all, he lived a very luxurier life here in the crystal bowl.
- I'll just dump it all out in the sink here.
- Don't put him in the sink! He won't clog nothin' up.
He's only this big.
Waaaahhhh! Come on, lady, now, you're not gonna be sick, and you know it.
You're just stallin', and it ain't gonna do you any good.
Now, this is gonna happen, no matter what.
Oh, please, don't do that.
Please go away! I won't tell nobody you was here! Lady, I want you to tell everybody I was here.
We can't do this-- we're strangers! Yeah, but we ain't gonna be strangers for long.
Ohh! Ohh, you're hurtin' 'me! Look, lady, I don't want to hurt you.
Just cooperate a little, okay? Wait a minute.
I gotta go.
Go where? Uh, to the bathroom.
Honestly, I do.
It'll only take a minute.
Okay, okay.
Go.
Where are you going? You're going to the bathroom? I'm going with you.
Oh.
I'll wait until tomorrow.
- [SCREAMING.]
- Go ahead, scream, lady! In neighborhoods like this, nobody answers a scream for over an hour.
Believe me, I know.
What's that for?! Lady, I'm gonna tie you up.
Now, here we are.
Now[SNIFFS.]
aah, beautiful.
Huh? Just like a mountain stream here.
Yeah, with a dead fish floatin' in it.
- Make the punch.
- Arch, this thing stinks.
Can't you go home and get your bowl? Make the punch in this! I don't want-- [BOWL SHATTERS.]
BOTH: Why did you do that? BOTH: You did it.
You did it.
You did it!!! Get away from me, you meathead, you! Now I gotta go home and make up some excuse to get my own punchbowl outta my own house.
Dope.
[DOG BARKING.]
Oh--oh, that's Barney Heffner's dog.
He only barks at-- at Archie! Archie's comin' home! Lady, I don't believe you.
It's true, he only barks at Archie! - [BANGING ON DOOR.]
- Archie! ARCHIE: Hey, Edith! You got the door locked, Edith! Come on, I gotta get in there! - [RATTLING DOOR KNOB.]
- Tell him you're gonna be there in a minute.
I-I'm gonna be there in just a minute! Come on, Edith, hurry up, I gotta get in the house for somethin' there.
You see this? Now, you're gonna let him in, and then you're gonna get rid of him really fast.
Otherwise, you're both gonna be dead.
- Got that? - Edith, come on, will you?! - Come on.
- Edith, I gotta get somethin' in there.
Let's go.
Edith, why you got this door locked? I'm gonna be right in here.
Now, you get rid of him.
For 25 years I beg you to lock the door, - and the one time I don't want the door to be locked, - All right.
Here, Archie.
you got it locked there.
Why did you do that-- And look at this, the chain on the door.
Don't be wavin' at me.
Get the chain off the door.
Come on, Edith-- - Archie! - Thanks a lot.
Why ain't you baby-sittin' with Joey? Joey's gonna be okay for two minutes.
I gotta get somethin' over here.
Archie! Archie! There's this punchbowl, Edith, see, I'll bring it over there because they ain't got nothin' over there to make-- No, I-I mean, the meathead killed a fish, and you remember the bowl we give 'em for their anniversary-- Well, I don't wanna make a long story out of it, just let me get over there.
Don't cry, it's only a fish, a little goldfish.
They only cost a dime each.
- Keep doors closed, Edith.
- Archie! [SCREAMS.]
[SOBBING.]
Okay.
Okay, that was really good.
You did that really well.
Very good.
No, wait a minute! What? Couldn't we do this without kissin'? Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
But you're gonna change your mind.
Oh, there's something burning in the kitchen! What is it? It's in the kitchen.
All right, all right.
Come on, come on.
There's something burning in the ki-- [SCREAMING, SOBBING.]
There's a fire! Fire! Ohh! - [BOTH COUGHING.]
- My cake! My birthday cake is burnin'! Lady, get rid of it.
Get rid of it! [MAN GRUNTS.]
Get outta here! [SCREAMING.]
Listen, now, I'll tell ya what to do here.
- [ALL TALKING.]
- Now, wait a minute.
Now, this is how everything goes, see? This is how everything goes, see? The lights are on in the living room.
Yeah, the lights are on in the living room.
She'll be here at 6 o'clock.
just a couple of min-- Well, then what? Will ya dummy up and I'll tell ya, huh, Sybil? When she comes in, youse all jump out and you say, "Happy Birthday.
" No, we've gotta yell "Surprise!" That's the one word-- "Surprise"--that will cause a flood.
Daddy.
I mean the tears, little girl, that's all.
Any questions from anybody? Shut up, Sybil.
- He never liked me.
- And I always will.
Now, watch me.
I'll give you a hand signal when she comes in.
In the meantime, shh-shh-shh.
ALL: Shh! Shh! - EDITH: Archie! Archie-- - ALL: Surprise! Happy birthday! - [ALL SING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".]
- Can't you do nothin' right?! I told you to come in the front door, through the livin' room, everybody's waitin' to jump out and do this, and you went and spoiled everything.
- [SINGING CONTINUES.]
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You ain't cryin' happy, Edith.
What's the matter with ya, huh? Huh? [CRYING, CHATTER.]
Easy.
What happened? What happened? What? Chain.
I-- Slow down and calm yourself and tell me what it is.
- A man-- a man! - Man? He-- he-- he said he was looking for a man.
He-- he was the man he was looking for.
Hold on, hold on.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I don't understand.
Here, come over here.
Come over here.
Sit down, sit down, huh? Now, just-- just take it easy.
So, a--a--a man come over to the house, lookin' for a man, and he said he was the man that he was lookin' for? - What is that? - He had a gun.
He had a gun? [CRIES.]
He said he was gonna kill me! - Did he? - No.
Well, I know he didn't, Edith, but--but I mean, what did he do? He--he-- What? What? What? He Come on, Edith, what did he want? Me.
You? He Well, what are you tellin' me, Edith? That The guyraped you? No, no! He tried to.
He tried? Well--well--well, what happened? What'd he do? It was-- it was awful, Archie.
Oh, jeez, Edith.
It was awful! I thought he was gonna kill me! Oh, Edith, jeez.
Oh, my God, Edith.
Well, jeez, maybe you better-- you better lay down here for a little while, huh? No.
Nono, no.
The best thing is just to sit there, yeah.
Um, maybe you oughtta have somethin' hot to drink, huh? - No.
- Well, somethin' cold.
No.
No--best thing, don't drink nothin'.
Yeah.
I'll be right back, Edith.
No, where are you going? I--I better phone somebody.
No! - Gotta phone the ambulance.
- No! - Or phone the doctor.
- No.
No, no, no.
Best thing is stay off of the phone.
Yeah.
Well, jeez, Edith, well--well, we gotta do somethin', Edith.
I mean, if I don't phone nobody important, and we don't drink nothin' tasty, what the hell are we gonna do? Hold me! That's the best thing.
I can do that.
Yes, Edith, I can do that.
Aw, jeez-- oh, Edith-- how did you get away from the lousy bum? Cake.
I--I--I hit him with the cake I was baking.
Oh, thank God you had somethin' heavy around.
Well, wait a minute, wait a minute.
He musta been over there when I come lookin' for the punch bowl.
He was in the closet.
But why didn't you say somethin'? He--he said he would do something to you.
Do somethin' to me? What the hell was he? A fruit too? Ma, aren't you comin' downstairs to your party? - No, no, she can't come down.
- We can't eat the cake until you open the presents.
- Oh, jeez.
- What's the matter, Mom? Uh--listen, listen, little girl uhsomethin' bad has befell the family.
Did a relative die? No, I said somethin' bad.
I don't know how to tell you this, little girl, see You're not my real father.
No! No? I mean yes! Look at the fat cheeks on ya! Where the hell do you think you got them, from Fred Astaire? Edith, tell your daughter what happened.
I can't.
Well, you gotta tell her, Edith! Well then, you tell me, Daddy.
All right, all right.
A--a--a-- A guy come over to our house about an hour ago-- Oh, no, no, not an hour.
No, not an hour ago.
He busted down the front door-- No, I let him in.
She let him in.
He was an awful-lookin' guy, see? - No, very good-looking.
- All right, Edith-- What happened? Don't holler at me.
I'll tell ya.
He come into the house, and he tried to [WHISPERS.]
rapeyour mother.
He tried to rape her?! Don't say bad things in words! I'm callin' the police.
- No, don't do that.
Put that telephone down.
- No, Mike, no.
- Why? - Daddy, we have to call the police.
- No, no, no.
- No! Mom, remember when it happened to me three years ago? That's the first thing we did.
And what's the first thing the cop told you when he come over to the house? He said if it ever got into court, they'd ask you questions.
They'd turn around and make it look like you were askin' for it there.
That's why we dropped the whole thing.
Don't you remember that, huh? And what do you wanna do? Put your mother and me through the same kind of shame there? "Besmooch" the family name in the eyes of the community? Yeah, they might drop your name from the social register.
Aahhh! Arch, all you're worried about is that when you walk down the street, people are gonna say, "There goes Archie Bunker.
You know, his wife was raped!" Don't holler the word "rape"! It ain't that at all.
And besides, she wasn'tthat.
All right, but Ma was attacked! We gotta do somethin'! I wanna call the police! No, no, no! But Ma, we have to do something.
Yeah, we're going to do something.
I know what to do.
I'm gonna take your mother home.
No, no! He might still be there! Oh, no, no.
Do you think he would be? Look, Arch, to make Ma feel at ease, I think the house should be checked out first.
That's a good idea.
Well, go over and do that, huh? Why don't you do it? Because at a time like this, a man's place is beside his wife.
Aw, jeez, ain't this pitiful? Would you please both go over there and check? - Aw, come on.
- I don't know what kind of a guy this is.
Who knows.
EDITH: He's got a gun! This is why every citizen should have a loaded gun in his house, you big-mouthed liberal, you! How many times have I told ya? I don't believe in violence! Aw And what are you gonna do with this here? Bunt him off the premises? Michael, don't do anything foolish.
Call the police.
Shh! [DOOR THUMPS LOUDLY.]
All right, go ahead.
You go ahead.
How 'bout we both go ahead together? Let mein the door! [DOOR SLAMS.]
Look in there.
[WHISPERS.]
Gimme this.
Open the door.
I'll stand by with this bat.
[KNOCKS.]
Oh There's nobody in there, Arch.
The hell did you expect him to say? Entre vous? Open the door.
- Ow! - Ouch! Ah.
Ah.
What happened? What happened? This happened.
- Oh! - Ow! [GRUNTS.]
Oh, that's awful! Oh, oh! Jeez.
There's nobody in the closet, Arch.
Hey, wait a second.
- What's this? - Can't you watch what the hell you're doin'? Oh.
What's the matter with you? Look, he musta left his clothes here.
Don't put your fingerprints all over the evidence there.
Gimme that.
Never handle evidence! Well, he ain't in the room here.
We can see that.
So, the next thing-- come on, take the bat.
Now Look in the kitchen.
What are you gonna do? I'll stand by the phone.
Why? In case there's a call.
Can't I stand by the phone? If a call comes to this house, that call is for me, it ain't for you.
Get it, dumbbell? Go on.
I could always answer, and then call you to the phone-- Go on! [YELLS.]
I'm entering the kitchen! Ow! [CLATTERS.]
Are you all right in there? Yeah! I just slipped on some cake! Oh The cake tastes burnt! Arch, there's nobody in there.
Hey, what are you doin' over here? Were you tryin' to sneak out of this house? No, I certainly was not! I just thought I better search the porch a little more.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Ow, my foot! For the-- Ow! Jeez! Sorry, Arch-- Will you get away from me? You're gonna kill me yet! Aah! Jeez! Aah! No, no, no! He's not there.
We checked the place.
Oh, no, oh, no! Wait a second.
You got the wrong guy.
That's the wrong guy! We got a call from a Mrs.
Gloria Stivic.
Well, that's me, but that's my father.
That's my daughter! That's my wife, and that's my mother-in-law.
You got the wrong guy! The guy we're tryin' to find is good-lookin'.
Aw, shut up! Gloria, would you help me make some coffee? But, Ma, I think you should tell the police what the man looked like.
I wanna forget what he looks like.
Yeah, we oughtta forget the whole thing.
I mean, it's a false alarm here, officers.
I mean, as you can see, everything here is just, uh, you know, peaches and beans.
Wait a second! There was a crime committed here.
Will you stop worrying about what people will think? I ain't worryin' about that.
What I'm worried is it could come up before a judge in some court, and one of them guys will turn the whole thing around and make believe it's the woman's fault! What do you say to that, officers? We just lock 'em up.
We don't try 'em.
Oh, well now, there you go, Meathead.
Case closed.
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
No, no, wait a second, wait a second.
Case isn't closed! Move.
Move it, move it.
What are you doin' now? Move it.
Here, look.
He left his clothes.
Well, we'll take 'em along.
Maybe we can use 'em.
About an hour ago, we picked up a suspicious character running down the street in his T-shirt.
Maybe they belong to him.
Where's the lady that got attacked? We'd like her to come along with us and take a look at the guy.
Maybe she can identify him.
Yeah, yeah, hold on a second.
Ma? Ma! The police want you to go down to the station and see if you can identify this guy they picked up.
Oh, no, no, I can't do that.
No, I'm sorry.
But Ma, please.
You've got to.
No, I don't wanna look at that man again.
Ma, he can't hurt you anymore.
Can you identify these clothes, ma'am? [GASPS.]
No! No, I can't! No! He'll kill me! He'll kill me! He'll kill me! He'll kill me! He'll kill me! Ma, those are no-iron sheets.
Hmm? No, they've got wrinkles.
[POUNDING AT DOOR.]
- Ah! - Ma, it's all right.
- [ARCHIE SHOUTING .]
- Just a minute.
[MUFFLED.]
Hurry up! Just a minute! I'm standin' out here with the groceries in my hands! Hi, Daddy.
Oh, good, you remembered the eggs.
Take them! Pick them up, scramble 'em, and freeze them.
- Okay, Daddy.
- I ain't goin' back no more.
I ain't never gonna go to that supermarket again, there.
I hate it.
Jeez, two weeks I'm doin' all the shoppin' in this house, 'cause your mother's scared to go outside of the place.
If I ever get my hands on that "raperer," I'm gonna turn him into a "unique.
" Well, you blew your chance, Daddy, 'cause with no one around to identify him, the police had to let him go.
But you'll just go get him, huh? Death is too good for them guys.
They ought to sentence them to 30 years in the supermarket.
Daddy, don't pound like that on the front door anymore.
When you do it scares Ma and she runs upstairs to hide.
Jeez, she's getting loonier every day.
Washing and ironing the same things over and over.
You know at night she sleeps with the lights on up there? I gotta hide myself under the covers.
That ain't good for you, you know? You ain't supposed to breathe the same air that your toes is in.
Well, Daddy, you just better get used to all this, 'cause it might go on with Ma for a long time.
Oh, don't give me no bad news.
Why should it, anyway? This thing happened to you a couple of years ago, there.
Didn't take you forever to get over it.
How do you know? Ever since it happened, I haven't been able to walk down 47th Avenue.
And I'll tell you somethin' else-- Michael was wonderful through all of it.
He helped me through the worst part.
He wasn't like you.
You're so impatient.
- Oh, jeez.
- Yes! He went out of his way to be sweet and kind and gentle.
Well, he'd have to go out of his way to be sweet and gentle.
Comes natural to me.
I'll smack that look off your face! Oh, it's you, Archie! All right, all right! [GLORIA WHISPERS.]
Hi.
Hiya there, Edith, darlin'.
It's nice to see ya down.
Aw, gee, you're starchin' that same sheet again.
Yeah.
It ain't smooth.
Oh, It ain't smooth.
Edith, uh, Could I ask you one little question, huh? Yeah, sure.
Well, don't keep on ironin' when I'm askin' ya, huh? Edith, all I want to know is, what happened to the good old days? Don't you remember, Edith? I'd come home from work, I'd yell, "Edith! I'm home!" And you'd come leapin' out there to the door.
"Oh, hello, Archie.
Did you have a nice day?" And I'd say, "Lousy.
Get me a beer.
" And you'd do that, and we'd sit down, and you'd tell me some long, dopey story, like about your Aunt Zuni with the one eye, huh? I mean, why can't we get back to them beautiful days? Why'd ya spoil all of that? I'm sorry, Archie, I'm sorry.
Edith, I'm so-- I didn't mean-- Aw, jeez, look at that! Another load of sweetness wasted there, and I've only got so much sweetness in me! Daddy, I have to have a talk with you.
What about? You see, I know what Ma is going through.
Right now, she is full of fear and anger and guilt.
She is afraid of everything.
She doesn't even feel safe in her own house.
What am I supposed to do? Close up the joint for the winter, we all take a cruise down to the Virgin's Island? Don't hit your father on his head! I know you think you were being real nice to her over there, Daddy, but what you said, it didn't help.
You should've heard me last night.
I was upstairs with her there, talking to her.
I tried the best way I know to talk about her nervousness.
What'd you say? I said, "Stop this!" That's no good! Don't pull hairs out of your father's body! Daddy, ya gotta be more patient with Ma, and loving! See, right now, what Ma needs is a lot of TLC.
Are you kiddin'? No doctor in the world would give her a shot of that! TLC! Why, the woman gets high on an aspirin! Jeez! Daddy, "TLC" means "tender loving care.
" Don't hit the knee that got hit with the trolley.
Come on, Daddy.
What are ya doin'? I want you to go upstairs and be affectionate with Ma! - I can't do that! - Yes, you can! I want you to hold her hand, put your arm around her, give her a kiss.
Now, do that! But if I do that after what happened here, she'll think I'm tryin' to attack her.
No, no, no, you're wrong, see? What happened to Ma had nothin' to do with sex.
It was an act of violence.
And if you're not attentive, she's gonna think something's wrong with her.
So go on up there, Daddy.
I know she's thinkin' that right now.
Be affectionate to her.
Come on.
And I'll get your dinner started.
Yeah, but Gloria, I-- I can't do it.
Get up there! What are ya doin', Edith? I'm makin' the bed.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
That's that same bed you made up this mornin', huh? Yeah, but there was lumps under the blanket.
Ah.
Well, ya-- ya gotta get the lumps out there, Edith.
Listen, I don't wanna take too much of your time there, but where the hell are ya? Edith, look here.
Come here, come here.
Sit down just a minute here, Edith, huh? Just a minute.
- [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
- I just wanna-- Never mind that.
That's just the telephone downstairs.
Gloria'll get it.
Lemme just try somethin' here.
What are ya gonna do? Edith I'm just gonna do this here with my arm and this here with my kisser.
Now, wasn't that nice? Do you still love me? Do I still love ya? What are ya talkin' about? Why you think I'm tryin' all this here-- whaddya call it?-- LTD on ya.
What's that? That's, uh, love and until daylight or something.
I don't know.
I'm doing the best I can.
Let me try again, huh? [QUAVERS.]
What did I do? I'm still scared.
Oh, please, don't be scared no more, Edith.
I can't forget that man.
Ma! Learn to knock, learn to knock, learn to knock! Daddy, why don't you go downstairs, huh? What, are ya haulin' me outta here? You sent me up here, didn't ya? Michael wants to tell you something.
- [GLORIA WHISPERS.]
- Huh? I want to be alone to talk with your mother.
All right.
Ma? The police just picked up that same guy again.
He attacked another woman right over in Woodside.
They want ya to come down to the station to identify him.
No! Can't that other woman do it? Well, she can, but she won't.
Why not? Because she's afraid.
I am too, Gloria.
Ma, look at ya! You haven't been out of this house in two weeks.
No, please, Gloria! I don't care.
I don't want to look at that man again.
Ma, don't ya see? The criminal's supposed to be in jail, not the victim! Gloria, get out of my way! I won't do it! Please don't make me! Don't make me! Ma, you gotta go down and identify him.
[HYSTERICAL.]
No! No, Gloria! No, leave me alone! No, I won't leave you alone! Ma, you've got to do it, for every woman who's a possible victim of a nut like that.
And you know what, Ma? You know what's most important? You gotta do it for yourself, 'cause you don't want to go on living like a scared rabbit, do ya? Now, come on, let's go.
No! I wanna forget it! I wanna forget it! I wanna forget it! How can you be so selfish? I ain't bein' selfish! Yes, you are! You know who he is, but you won't stop him! Gloria, I'm afraid! I know, Ma, but don't you see? You've gotta help put away this sicko creep, because that way, you can stop feeling so victimized and be in control of your life again, you know? And that'll help ya stop bein' afraid.
Now, come on, Ma, let's go.
No! I ain't gonna leave this house! You're gonna let him do what he did to you to God knows how many other women? I can't believe it! I'm ashamed of you! The mother I know would never refuse! My mother always helped other people! You know what? You are selfish! You're not my mother anymore! Ohhh, Gloria.
Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Oh, Ma, it's all right.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
It's all right.
It's all right, Ma.
I'm sorry.
I understand, Ma.
Come on, Archie.
Uh, where we gonna go, Edith? Down to the police station.
No, Edith, you ain't gonna identify that guy, are you? Yeah.
If it's him, I gotta stop him.
Oh, Ma.
You can put all that stuff away, Gloria.
I ain't gonna do no more ironin'.
There's some clothes soakin' in the tub downstairs.
You can let the water out.
They was clean anyway.
Come on, Archie.
Aaaaah! ROB REINER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
Why do I have to go over there now? The party ain't gonna be-- Shh! The party ain't gonna be till six o'clock.
Why do I have to go over there? Because I'm afraid if I leave you here you're gonna spill the beans and Ma will find out! I ain't gonna spill nothin'.
I ain't thinkin' about these things.
If you hadn't reminded me there a minute ago, I wouldn't have remembered it was your mother's birthday.
Sure.
Why should this year be any different from any other year? Well, uhshut up.
When she walks in, if she's not surprised I'm gonna know you told her.
Lemme tell you somethin'.
All these things give me one big pain in the heinie there.
The birthdays, the Mother's Days, the Father's Days, the Christmas, and all these things are invented by two guys to sell cards.
Karl and Marx.
You remember where you heard that.
And look at this.
Ain't that pretty? Bloomin' outta the ice box there.
Why don't you get all the way in there? Get in all the way! - Go on, get in there! - Daddy! Are you crazy?! What's the matter with you?! I just wanted an apple.
Look what he was rootin' in there for, - my apple.
- You want a bite? Not after ya licked it.
Pipe down and pay attention.
When Ma comes downstairs, I'm gonna say "Happy birthday," but don't you say anything.
You gonna say "Happy birthday"? You're gonna blow the whole surprise in your surprise party.
No, no, no.
Don't you see? She expects me to wish her a happy birthday because it's something that I always do.
But it's something that you never do, do she doesn't expect it from you.
Now, if I don't say anything when she expects me to say something because you don't want me to, then she's gonna know something's up because I haven't said anything when I should have.
And if you say something, which is what I don't want you to do, when you're supposed to and you shouldn't have, then Ma's gonna know something's up because you said something.
Don't you see? Don't you understand? You get more like the old lady every day.
Do you remember how you're supposed to get Ma over to our house? Yeah, sure, grab her by the ankle and drag her over there.
- No, no, no! - Don't do that! You could hit a nerve there and make somebody go cock-eyed.
[EDITH SINGING "MOON RIVER" IN DISTANCE.]
Oh, geez, there she is-- the great singin' star Beverly Stills herself.
Now, you stay here and dummy up.
Don't tell me what to do! - [SINGING.]
- GLORIA: Happy birthday, Ma! - Happy birthday! - Thank you, Mike.
You heartbreaker You're breakin' my heart, Edith.
And my ear drums, too.
Don't you want to wish me something, too? Certainly.
I wish you wouldn't sing no more.
Oh, Archie! Don't you know what day this is? Yeah, it's Saturday.
No, it's something else besides Saturday.
Oh, yeah, I remember.
Shut up.
[RASPBERRIES.]
Oh, my work, how time has flew.
I remember.
This is the first day of National Spay the Cat Week.
Oh.
If you don't know what day it is, - I ain't gonna tell ya.
- Okay, Edith, I'll spend the rest of the day tryin' to figure it out.
Surprise party.
Youse are the ones who are gonna be surprised - when she finds out.
- Why? Because your mother's gonna wet her pants.
- Daddy! - Don't hit there! It ain't my fault every time she gets excited she loses her grips over everything.
Daddy, listen to me.
I don't wanna listen to nothin'.
Why don't you go home and hang out the decorations and get out the food before all the freeloaders arrive? You could've come over and helped, you know? I helped.
I sent out all the invitations, didn't I? Yeah.
Did big fat Ethel Torkelson RSBVD yet? She's can't come.
She's sick.
Good.
She aged like a gorilla.
I hope you didn't go behind my back and invite bigmouth Sybil Gooley.
No, I didn't, but if she finds out that we're giving Ma a party and she's not invited, she'll never speak to us again.
Oh, jeez, only one way to keep that woman from speaking again.
- How? - Push her off a bridge.
Okay, now, here's the plan.
Don't hit.
That's not a hit.
This is a hit.
God! Ouch.
Now, listen to me.
You tell Ma you're comin' over to baby-sit Joey.
- Baby-sit Joey.
- And that's she's to pick you up at 6 o'clock, - I know.
- and that you're taking the two of you out to dinner.
Then when she walks in the front door, we all holler, "Surprise!" And that's when your mother wets her pants.
Don't do that! Will you tell her to stop this here?! Gloria, stop it.
Didn't work.
Jeez, you are pitiful, do you know that? Arch, did you get Ma a present? Yeah, certainly I got her a present.
She's my wife, ain't she? What did I get her, little girl? A beautiful cardigan sweater.
I know something she could use more.
- What? - Rubber pants.
You're not funny! You're not funny! Let's go, come on.
Don't forget to bring over your punchbowl.
Wait a minute, wait a minute! You got a punchbowl of your own.
I give you your anniversary, set me back $11.
Yeah, we use it for Joey's goldfish.
For the goldfish? You got a 10 cent fish livin' in an $11 bowl? That's like you living at the Waldorf.
- Lemme tell you somethin'.
- Awright, hurry up.
- Why must you always-- - I can't wait.
Hey, Edith, why must them two always be over there? Don't you know I'm sick of looking at them? What are you gonna do today? I'm going over their house.
I gotta baby-sit till 6 o'clock.
They're going to the store or something, see? What are you doing here? I'm making a cake.
Don't be doin' that.
It's my birthday today.
You don't wanna do that.
Today is my birthday, remember? Yeah, I can remember, but I don't like to remember birthdays.
Sorry, Edith, but you know birthdays give me the blues.
Oh, don't be blue.
Come on, cheer up, be happy.
Now, don't be silly.
We ain't a couple of kids here, Edith.
Come on, now, you know, between the two of us we're pressin' more than a hundred years of faded flesh here.
Oh, then you do remember how old I am! Yeah, you're 50, aren't ya? That's right! How did you remember? Oh, I got a very romantic way to remember that.
Edith, you are as old as Lindbergh's airplane.
Oh.
Ha ha ha! You know, I don't feel like 50.
Do I look like 50? You wanna know the truth? Not today.
Many happy returns of the day.
Now, you come over there and pick me up at 6 o'clock sharp, then I'm gonna take you out to dinner in a new Italian joint Parmigiana Paradiso.
Or, as I call it, St.
Garlic's Grotto.
Huh? Well, what about my cake? We'll eat the cake when we come home from the joint, see? Now, remember, Oh, and Edith, when you come over there, be sure and use their front door.
Why? Well, uh, uh-- because it's politer, Edith.
Ya know? Yeah.
[DOOR BUZZER.]
Oh.
Coming! [HUMMING.]
Sybil Gooley! What are you doing here? Why ain't you down at Ferguson's Market workin'? I'll never forgive you for this, Edith Bunker! For what? I'm not invited to the party! What party? The one I'm not invited to.
Your party! Well, I wasn't invited neither.
How can you not be invited to your own birthday party? My birthd-- Oh That's why Archie was actin-- Oh, it must be a surprise party.
But it ain't no surprise no more.
I let the cat out of the bag, huh? - Yeah.
- I'm glad.
Oh, Sybil, come on in.
I'm sure it ain't nothin' personal.
Of course it's personal.
I happen to know that Archie hates me.
Whoever told you that? Archie did.
Oh, Sybil, you know the way Archie is.
I mean, he says he hates everybody-- President Carter, Mayor Beame, Walter Cronkite, Bella Abzug, Mr.
Abzug, the Mets, the Jets, all the United Nations.
And they don't get upset, so why should you? Because they wouldn't come to your party, and I would.
Well, I'm invitin' ya.
Will ya come? No, Edith, I could never do that.
Please? All right! I better go get changed.
Oh, you don't have to change, you look beautiful.
I know.
Listen, I could get fired for telling you this, but there's gonna be a special on standing rib roast Wednesday.
- 10:00.
You be there.
- Yeah? And on account of your birthday, you come over to my checkstand, and I'll double-bag you all week! I'll see you at the party! Over at the-- Oh, don't tell me where it is.
I know too much already.
Oh! - Goodbye, Edith.
- Bye! - Oh, excuse me.
- Oh.
Hi.
- How do you do? - Hi, my name's Lambert-- Oh, wait a minute.
Now begin again.
Hi, my name is Detective Lambert.
I'm with the police department.
I'd like to ask you a couple of questions if I could.
Oh, sure! Come on in.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude, but they say women gotta be very careful these days with the robbers and the burglars Oh, no, can't be too cautious, Miss? Oh, Missus.
Bunker.
Edith Bunker.
Mrs.
Bunker.
No, you can't be too cautious, 'cause, you see, it seems there's a man in your neighborhood who's been well, he's been molesting women.
- Ohh.
- So I'd like to ask you and your husband a couple of questions if I could.
Oh, sure.
But my husband ain't here.
Oh, that's a shame.
Nobody's here.
Well, maybe you can meet him some other time.
But you can ask me questions.
Sit down.
As long as it don't take too long, 'cause I gotta get ready for my surprise birthday pa-- Oh, I ain't supposed to know.
No, no, this won't take long.
Uh first, let me just describe him to you, you know, in case you see him.
He's a man about my height and build wears a gray suit, dark hat, and ablue and gold striped tie.
Oh, just like the one you're wearing.
Yeah.
Just exactly like the one I'm wearing.
Now, you listen to me.
You cooperate with me, and you're not gonna get hurt.
- [GASPS.]
- You understand that? Okay, now you don't make any trouble, and everything is gonna be just fine, you understand? I-I'll give you anything you want.
I got some money upstairs, eight dollars, or I could give you a check.
Lady, I don't want your money.
Now, look, I don't want to hurt you, but you see this? I'd hate to have to use it.
I'd hate to have you have to, too.
All right, then.
All you gotta do is do exactly like I tell you, and everything's gonna be just fine.
Ohh! What are you gonna do to me? Just exactly what you think I'm gonna do to you.
Oh! No! You wouldn't do that, no! - No! You wouldn't! - I will! [SCREAMING.]
Hey! Knock it off! Knock it off.
All right.
Just stay quiet, okay? What are you gonna do? You ain't takin' off your clothes, are ya? Yeah.
Then I'm gonna take yours off.
Wouldn't you like a cup of coffee instead? I don't drink coffee.
I got Sanka! Lady, you're stallin', and it ain't gonna do you any good.
Now, this is gonna happen so just relax, okay? Listen, I gotta get outta here, see, I gotta get ready for my birthday party.
Happy birthday.
Oh--oh, thank you.
I'm-- I'm 50 years old.
I'm very old.
I'm-I'm-- I'm-I'm as old as Lindbergh's airplane! I like older women.
But I'm married! So am I.
No! You ain't gonna get away with this! Oh, yeah? Why not? Because my husband-- that's Archie-- he's next door where my daughter lives, and-and I'm supposed to meet him over there at 6 o'clock sharp, 'cause he's gonna take me out to dinner, to the Parmigiano Paradiso.
He calls it St.
Garlic's Grotto.
Ha ha! Ain't that funny? I guess it ain't.
But I don't think he's gonna take me out to dinner because, see, they're gonna give me a surprise party for my birthday, only I ain't supposed to know, see.
But I'm gonna act surprised.
And, see, I'm supposed to be over there at 6 o'clock sharp, and if I ain't over there by 6 o'clock then they're gonna come over here at 6 o'clock.
It's only 5:30 now.
What? Did I say 6? I have to be over there at 5:30.
- Lady, there's plenty of time.
- Oh, no! You know, you smell wonderful.
That's Lemon Pledge.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- [EDITH SCREAMS.]
- [RINGING.]
- Ohh.
Just let it ring.
- No, no! That's my husband Archie.
- So what? Well, becau-- well, he knows I'm home and-and I always answer quick, and if I don't answer quick, then he's gonna be over here! Yeah, okay.
All right, all right! - [RINGING.]
- Okay, come on.
You better answer it.
And you gotta get rid of him as fast as you can.
You're not gonna arouse any suspicion.
Otherwise my friend here is gonna come help me.
All right? Now answer it and get rid of him.
Hello? Ohh! Oh, hello, Sybil.
No, no, I don't want a birthday present.
No, don't waste your money buyin' perfume, I smell wonderful.
Just get rid of her, ya hear? Get rid of her.
Sybil, I gotta go.
No.
No, I'm all right.
I'm just rushin' around.
I got a lot to do before the party.
What? Get rid of her! But she wants to know what I got to do.
"Goodbye, Sybil.
" G'bye, Sybil.
All right.
All right, that was very good.
That was very good.
You did very well.
- Wait a minute.
- What? You-you better stop.
Why? I'm gonna be sick all over you.
Practically all the guests are here, Arch.
Do me a favor, make the champagne punch, will ya? - Aw, geez.
- What's the matter, Daddy? I forgot the punchbowl.
Aw, geez.
Don't fall apart, little girl.
I'll just run next door, I'll get it.
- I'll bring it back.
- Okay.
Hurry, Daddy.
Hey, little girl, uh, does your fish every once in a while come out of the water and lay on a rock? No.
Then he's dead.
Mr.
Jaws died.
Ohh, that's all right.
- Don't worry, don't cry.
- Oh, no! After all, he lived a very luxurier life here in the crystal bowl.
- I'll just dump it all out in the sink here.
- Don't put him in the sink! He won't clog nothin' up.
He's only this big.
Waaaahhhh! Come on, lady, now, you're not gonna be sick, and you know it.
You're just stallin', and it ain't gonna do you any good.
Now, this is gonna happen, no matter what.
Oh, please, don't do that.
Please go away! I won't tell nobody you was here! Lady, I want you to tell everybody I was here.
We can't do this-- we're strangers! Yeah, but we ain't gonna be strangers for long.
Ohh! Ohh, you're hurtin' 'me! Look, lady, I don't want to hurt you.
Just cooperate a little, okay? Wait a minute.
I gotta go.
Go where? Uh, to the bathroom.
Honestly, I do.
It'll only take a minute.
Okay, okay.
Go.
Where are you going? You're going to the bathroom? I'm going with you.
Oh.
I'll wait until tomorrow.
- [SCREAMING.]
- Go ahead, scream, lady! In neighborhoods like this, nobody answers a scream for over an hour.
Believe me, I know.
What's that for?! Lady, I'm gonna tie you up.
Now, here we are.
Now[SNIFFS.]
aah, beautiful.
Huh? Just like a mountain stream here.
Yeah, with a dead fish floatin' in it.
- Make the punch.
- Arch, this thing stinks.
Can't you go home and get your bowl? Make the punch in this! I don't want-- [BOWL SHATTERS.]
BOTH: Why did you do that? BOTH: You did it.
You did it.
You did it!!! Get away from me, you meathead, you! Now I gotta go home and make up some excuse to get my own punchbowl outta my own house.
Dope.
[DOG BARKING.]
Oh--oh, that's Barney Heffner's dog.
He only barks at-- at Archie! Archie's comin' home! Lady, I don't believe you.
It's true, he only barks at Archie! - [BANGING ON DOOR.]
- Archie! ARCHIE: Hey, Edith! You got the door locked, Edith! Come on, I gotta get in there! - [RATTLING DOOR KNOB.]
- Tell him you're gonna be there in a minute.
I-I'm gonna be there in just a minute! Come on, Edith, hurry up, I gotta get in the house for somethin' there.
You see this? Now, you're gonna let him in, and then you're gonna get rid of him really fast.
Otherwise, you're both gonna be dead.
- Got that? - Edith, come on, will you?! - Come on.
- Edith, I gotta get somethin' in there.
Let's go.
Edith, why you got this door locked? I'm gonna be right in here.
Now, you get rid of him.
For 25 years I beg you to lock the door, - and the one time I don't want the door to be locked, - All right.
Here, Archie.
you got it locked there.
Why did you do that-- And look at this, the chain on the door.
Don't be wavin' at me.
Get the chain off the door.
Come on, Edith-- - Archie! - Thanks a lot.
Why ain't you baby-sittin' with Joey? Joey's gonna be okay for two minutes.
I gotta get somethin' over here.
Archie! Archie! There's this punchbowl, Edith, see, I'll bring it over there because they ain't got nothin' over there to make-- No, I-I mean, the meathead killed a fish, and you remember the bowl we give 'em for their anniversary-- Well, I don't wanna make a long story out of it, just let me get over there.
Don't cry, it's only a fish, a little goldfish.
They only cost a dime each.
- Keep doors closed, Edith.
- Archie! [SCREAMS.]
[SOBBING.]
Okay.
Okay, that was really good.
You did that really well.
Very good.
No, wait a minute! What? Couldn't we do this without kissin'? Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
But you're gonna change your mind.
Oh, there's something burning in the kitchen! What is it? It's in the kitchen.
All right, all right.
Come on, come on.
There's something burning in the ki-- [SCREAMING, SOBBING.]
There's a fire! Fire! Ohh! - [BOTH COUGHING.]
- My cake! My birthday cake is burnin'! Lady, get rid of it.
Get rid of it! [MAN GRUNTS.]
Get outta here! [SCREAMING.]
Listen, now, I'll tell ya what to do here.
- [ALL TALKING.]
- Now, wait a minute.
Now, this is how everything goes, see? This is how everything goes, see? The lights are on in the living room.
Yeah, the lights are on in the living room.
She'll be here at 6 o'clock.
just a couple of min-- Well, then what? Will ya dummy up and I'll tell ya, huh, Sybil? When she comes in, youse all jump out and you say, "Happy Birthday.
" No, we've gotta yell "Surprise!" That's the one word-- "Surprise"--that will cause a flood.
Daddy.
I mean the tears, little girl, that's all.
Any questions from anybody? Shut up, Sybil.
- He never liked me.
- And I always will.
Now, watch me.
I'll give you a hand signal when she comes in.
In the meantime, shh-shh-shh.
ALL: Shh! Shh! - EDITH: Archie! Archie-- - ALL: Surprise! Happy birthday! - [ALL SING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".]
- Can't you do nothin' right?! I told you to come in the front door, through the livin' room, everybody's waitin' to jump out and do this, and you went and spoiled everything.
- [SINGING CONTINUES.]
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You ain't cryin' happy, Edith.
What's the matter with ya, huh? Huh? [CRYING, CHATTER.]
Easy.
What happened? What happened? What? Chain.
I-- Slow down and calm yourself and tell me what it is.
- A man-- a man! - Man? He-- he-- he said he was looking for a man.
He-- he was the man he was looking for.
Hold on, hold on.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I don't understand.
Here, come over here.
Come over here.
Sit down, sit down, huh? Now, just-- just take it easy.
So, a--a--a man come over to the house, lookin' for a man, and he said he was the man that he was lookin' for? - What is that? - He had a gun.
He had a gun? [CRIES.]
He said he was gonna kill me! - Did he? - No.
Well, I know he didn't, Edith, but--but I mean, what did he do? He--he-- What? What? What? He Come on, Edith, what did he want? Me.
You? He Well, what are you tellin' me, Edith? That The guyraped you? No, no! He tried to.
He tried? Well--well--well, what happened? What'd he do? It was-- it was awful, Archie.
Oh, jeez, Edith.
It was awful! I thought he was gonna kill me! Oh, Edith, jeez.
Oh, my God, Edith.
Well, jeez, maybe you better-- you better lay down here for a little while, huh? No.
Nono, no.
The best thing is just to sit there, yeah.
Um, maybe you oughtta have somethin' hot to drink, huh? - No.
- Well, somethin' cold.
No.
No--best thing, don't drink nothin'.
Yeah.
I'll be right back, Edith.
No, where are you going? I--I better phone somebody.
No! - Gotta phone the ambulance.
- No! - Or phone the doctor.
- No.
No, no, no.
Best thing is stay off of the phone.
Yeah.
Well, jeez, Edith, well--well, we gotta do somethin', Edith.
I mean, if I don't phone nobody important, and we don't drink nothin' tasty, what the hell are we gonna do? Hold me! That's the best thing.
I can do that.
Yes, Edith, I can do that.
Aw, jeez-- oh, Edith-- how did you get away from the lousy bum? Cake.
I--I--I hit him with the cake I was baking.
Oh, thank God you had somethin' heavy around.
Well, wait a minute, wait a minute.
He musta been over there when I come lookin' for the punch bowl.
He was in the closet.
But why didn't you say somethin'? He--he said he would do something to you.
Do somethin' to me? What the hell was he? A fruit too? Ma, aren't you comin' downstairs to your party? - No, no, she can't come down.
- We can't eat the cake until you open the presents.
- Oh, jeez.
- What's the matter, Mom? Uh--listen, listen, little girl uhsomethin' bad has befell the family.
Did a relative die? No, I said somethin' bad.
I don't know how to tell you this, little girl, see You're not my real father.
No! No? I mean yes! Look at the fat cheeks on ya! Where the hell do you think you got them, from Fred Astaire? Edith, tell your daughter what happened.
I can't.
Well, you gotta tell her, Edith! Well then, you tell me, Daddy.
All right, all right.
A--a--a-- A guy come over to our house about an hour ago-- Oh, no, no, not an hour.
No, not an hour ago.
He busted down the front door-- No, I let him in.
She let him in.
He was an awful-lookin' guy, see? - No, very good-looking.
- All right, Edith-- What happened? Don't holler at me.
I'll tell ya.
He come into the house, and he tried to [WHISPERS.]
rapeyour mother.
He tried to rape her?! Don't say bad things in words! I'm callin' the police.
- No, don't do that.
Put that telephone down.
- No, Mike, no.
- Why? - Daddy, we have to call the police.
- No, no, no.
- No! Mom, remember when it happened to me three years ago? That's the first thing we did.
And what's the first thing the cop told you when he come over to the house? He said if it ever got into court, they'd ask you questions.
They'd turn around and make it look like you were askin' for it there.
That's why we dropped the whole thing.
Don't you remember that, huh? And what do you wanna do? Put your mother and me through the same kind of shame there? "Besmooch" the family name in the eyes of the community? Yeah, they might drop your name from the social register.
Aahhh! Arch, all you're worried about is that when you walk down the street, people are gonna say, "There goes Archie Bunker.
You know, his wife was raped!" Don't holler the word "rape"! It ain't that at all.
And besides, she wasn'tthat.
All right, but Ma was attacked! We gotta do somethin'! I wanna call the police! No, no, no! But Ma, we have to do something.
Yeah, we're going to do something.
I know what to do.
I'm gonna take your mother home.
No, no! He might still be there! Oh, no, no.
Do you think he would be? Look, Arch, to make Ma feel at ease, I think the house should be checked out first.
That's a good idea.
Well, go over and do that, huh? Why don't you do it? Because at a time like this, a man's place is beside his wife.
Aw, jeez, ain't this pitiful? Would you please both go over there and check? - Aw, come on.
- I don't know what kind of a guy this is.
Who knows.
EDITH: He's got a gun! This is why every citizen should have a loaded gun in his house, you big-mouthed liberal, you! How many times have I told ya? I don't believe in violence! Aw And what are you gonna do with this here? Bunt him off the premises? Michael, don't do anything foolish.
Call the police.
Shh! [DOOR THUMPS LOUDLY.]
All right, go ahead.
You go ahead.
How 'bout we both go ahead together? Let mein the door! [DOOR SLAMS.]
Look in there.
[WHISPERS.]
Gimme this.
Open the door.
I'll stand by with this bat.
[KNOCKS.]
Oh There's nobody in there, Arch.
The hell did you expect him to say? Entre vous? Open the door.
- Ow! - Ouch! Ah.
Ah.
What happened? What happened? This happened.
- Oh! - Ow! [GRUNTS.]
Oh, that's awful! Oh, oh! Jeez.
There's nobody in the closet, Arch.
Hey, wait a second.
- What's this? - Can't you watch what the hell you're doin'? Oh.
What's the matter with you? Look, he musta left his clothes here.
Don't put your fingerprints all over the evidence there.
Gimme that.
Never handle evidence! Well, he ain't in the room here.
We can see that.
So, the next thing-- come on, take the bat.
Now Look in the kitchen.
What are you gonna do? I'll stand by the phone.
Why? In case there's a call.
Can't I stand by the phone? If a call comes to this house, that call is for me, it ain't for you.
Get it, dumbbell? Go on.
I could always answer, and then call you to the phone-- Go on! [YELLS.]
I'm entering the kitchen! Ow! [CLATTERS.]
Are you all right in there? Yeah! I just slipped on some cake! Oh The cake tastes burnt! Arch, there's nobody in there.
Hey, what are you doin' over here? Were you tryin' to sneak out of this house? No, I certainly was not! I just thought I better search the porch a little more.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Ow, my foot! For the-- Ow! Jeez! Sorry, Arch-- Will you get away from me? You're gonna kill me yet! Aah! Jeez! Aah! No, no, no! He's not there.
We checked the place.
Oh, no, oh, no! Wait a second.
You got the wrong guy.
That's the wrong guy! We got a call from a Mrs.
Gloria Stivic.
Well, that's me, but that's my father.
That's my daughter! That's my wife, and that's my mother-in-law.
You got the wrong guy! The guy we're tryin' to find is good-lookin'.
Aw, shut up! Gloria, would you help me make some coffee? But, Ma, I think you should tell the police what the man looked like.
I wanna forget what he looks like.
Yeah, we oughtta forget the whole thing.
I mean, it's a false alarm here, officers.
I mean, as you can see, everything here is just, uh, you know, peaches and beans.
Wait a second! There was a crime committed here.
Will you stop worrying about what people will think? I ain't worryin' about that.
What I'm worried is it could come up before a judge in some court, and one of them guys will turn the whole thing around and make believe it's the woman's fault! What do you say to that, officers? We just lock 'em up.
We don't try 'em.
Oh, well now, there you go, Meathead.
Case closed.
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
No, no, wait a second, wait a second.
Case isn't closed! Move.
Move it, move it.
What are you doin' now? Move it.
Here, look.
He left his clothes.
Well, we'll take 'em along.
Maybe we can use 'em.
About an hour ago, we picked up a suspicious character running down the street in his T-shirt.
Maybe they belong to him.
Where's the lady that got attacked? We'd like her to come along with us and take a look at the guy.
Maybe she can identify him.
Yeah, yeah, hold on a second.
Ma? Ma! The police want you to go down to the station and see if you can identify this guy they picked up.
Oh, no, no, I can't do that.
No, I'm sorry.
But Ma, please.
You've got to.
No, I don't wanna look at that man again.
Ma, he can't hurt you anymore.
Can you identify these clothes, ma'am? [GASPS.]
No! No, I can't! No! He'll kill me! He'll kill me! He'll kill me! He'll kill me! He'll kill me! Ma, those are no-iron sheets.
Hmm? No, they've got wrinkles.
[POUNDING AT DOOR.]
- Ah! - Ma, it's all right.
- [ARCHIE SHOUTING .]
- Just a minute.
[MUFFLED.]
Hurry up! Just a minute! I'm standin' out here with the groceries in my hands! Hi, Daddy.
Oh, good, you remembered the eggs.
Take them! Pick them up, scramble 'em, and freeze them.
- Okay, Daddy.
- I ain't goin' back no more.
I ain't never gonna go to that supermarket again, there.
I hate it.
Jeez, two weeks I'm doin' all the shoppin' in this house, 'cause your mother's scared to go outside of the place.
If I ever get my hands on that "raperer," I'm gonna turn him into a "unique.
" Well, you blew your chance, Daddy, 'cause with no one around to identify him, the police had to let him go.
But you'll just go get him, huh? Death is too good for them guys.
They ought to sentence them to 30 years in the supermarket.
Daddy, don't pound like that on the front door anymore.
When you do it scares Ma and she runs upstairs to hide.
Jeez, she's getting loonier every day.
Washing and ironing the same things over and over.
You know at night she sleeps with the lights on up there? I gotta hide myself under the covers.
That ain't good for you, you know? You ain't supposed to breathe the same air that your toes is in.
Well, Daddy, you just better get used to all this, 'cause it might go on with Ma for a long time.
Oh, don't give me no bad news.
Why should it, anyway? This thing happened to you a couple of years ago, there.
Didn't take you forever to get over it.
How do you know? Ever since it happened, I haven't been able to walk down 47th Avenue.
And I'll tell you somethin' else-- Michael was wonderful through all of it.
He helped me through the worst part.
He wasn't like you.
You're so impatient.
- Oh, jeez.
- Yes! He went out of his way to be sweet and kind and gentle.
Well, he'd have to go out of his way to be sweet and gentle.
Comes natural to me.
I'll smack that look off your face! Oh, it's you, Archie! All right, all right! [GLORIA WHISPERS.]
Hi.
Hiya there, Edith, darlin'.
It's nice to see ya down.
Aw, gee, you're starchin' that same sheet again.
Yeah.
It ain't smooth.
Oh, It ain't smooth.
Edith, uh, Could I ask you one little question, huh? Yeah, sure.
Well, don't keep on ironin' when I'm askin' ya, huh? Edith, all I want to know is, what happened to the good old days? Don't you remember, Edith? I'd come home from work, I'd yell, "Edith! I'm home!" And you'd come leapin' out there to the door.
"Oh, hello, Archie.
Did you have a nice day?" And I'd say, "Lousy.
Get me a beer.
" And you'd do that, and we'd sit down, and you'd tell me some long, dopey story, like about your Aunt Zuni with the one eye, huh? I mean, why can't we get back to them beautiful days? Why'd ya spoil all of that? I'm sorry, Archie, I'm sorry.
Edith, I'm so-- I didn't mean-- Aw, jeez, look at that! Another load of sweetness wasted there, and I've only got so much sweetness in me! Daddy, I have to have a talk with you.
What about? You see, I know what Ma is going through.
Right now, she is full of fear and anger and guilt.
She is afraid of everything.
She doesn't even feel safe in her own house.
What am I supposed to do? Close up the joint for the winter, we all take a cruise down to the Virgin's Island? Don't hit your father on his head! I know you think you were being real nice to her over there, Daddy, but what you said, it didn't help.
You should've heard me last night.
I was upstairs with her there, talking to her.
I tried the best way I know to talk about her nervousness.
What'd you say? I said, "Stop this!" That's no good! Don't pull hairs out of your father's body! Daddy, ya gotta be more patient with Ma, and loving! See, right now, what Ma needs is a lot of TLC.
Are you kiddin'? No doctor in the world would give her a shot of that! TLC! Why, the woman gets high on an aspirin! Jeez! Daddy, "TLC" means "tender loving care.
" Don't hit the knee that got hit with the trolley.
Come on, Daddy.
What are ya doin'? I want you to go upstairs and be affectionate with Ma! - I can't do that! - Yes, you can! I want you to hold her hand, put your arm around her, give her a kiss.
Now, do that! But if I do that after what happened here, she'll think I'm tryin' to attack her.
No, no, no, you're wrong, see? What happened to Ma had nothin' to do with sex.
It was an act of violence.
And if you're not attentive, she's gonna think something's wrong with her.
So go on up there, Daddy.
I know she's thinkin' that right now.
Be affectionate to her.
Come on.
And I'll get your dinner started.
Yeah, but Gloria, I-- I can't do it.
Get up there! What are ya doin', Edith? I'm makin' the bed.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
That's that same bed you made up this mornin', huh? Yeah, but there was lumps under the blanket.
Ah.
Well, ya-- ya gotta get the lumps out there, Edith.
Listen, I don't wanna take too much of your time there, but where the hell are ya? Edith, look here.
Come here, come here.
Sit down just a minute here, Edith, huh? Just a minute.
- [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
- I just wanna-- Never mind that.
That's just the telephone downstairs.
Gloria'll get it.
Lemme just try somethin' here.
What are ya gonna do? Edith I'm just gonna do this here with my arm and this here with my kisser.
Now, wasn't that nice? Do you still love me? Do I still love ya? What are ya talkin' about? Why you think I'm tryin' all this here-- whaddya call it?-- LTD on ya.
What's that? That's, uh, love and until daylight or something.
I don't know.
I'm doing the best I can.
Let me try again, huh? [QUAVERS.]
What did I do? I'm still scared.
Oh, please, don't be scared no more, Edith.
I can't forget that man.
Ma! Learn to knock, learn to knock, learn to knock! Daddy, why don't you go downstairs, huh? What, are ya haulin' me outta here? You sent me up here, didn't ya? Michael wants to tell you something.
- [GLORIA WHISPERS.]
- Huh? I want to be alone to talk with your mother.
All right.
Ma? The police just picked up that same guy again.
He attacked another woman right over in Woodside.
They want ya to come down to the station to identify him.
No! Can't that other woman do it? Well, she can, but she won't.
Why not? Because she's afraid.
I am too, Gloria.
Ma, look at ya! You haven't been out of this house in two weeks.
No, please, Gloria! I don't care.
I don't want to look at that man again.
Ma, don't ya see? The criminal's supposed to be in jail, not the victim! Gloria, get out of my way! I won't do it! Please don't make me! Don't make me! Ma, you gotta go down and identify him.
[HYSTERICAL.]
No! No, Gloria! No, leave me alone! No, I won't leave you alone! Ma, you've got to do it, for every woman who's a possible victim of a nut like that.
And you know what, Ma? You know what's most important? You gotta do it for yourself, 'cause you don't want to go on living like a scared rabbit, do ya? Now, come on, let's go.
No! I wanna forget it! I wanna forget it! I wanna forget it! How can you be so selfish? I ain't bein' selfish! Yes, you are! You know who he is, but you won't stop him! Gloria, I'm afraid! I know, Ma, but don't you see? You've gotta help put away this sicko creep, because that way, you can stop feeling so victimized and be in control of your life again, you know? And that'll help ya stop bein' afraid.
Now, come on, Ma, let's go.
No! I ain't gonna leave this house! You're gonna let him do what he did to you to God knows how many other women? I can't believe it! I'm ashamed of you! The mother I know would never refuse! My mother always helped other people! You know what? You are selfish! You're not my mother anymore! Ohhh, Gloria.
Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Oh, Ma, it's all right.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
It's all right.
It's all right, Ma.
I'm sorry.
I understand, Ma.
Come on, Archie.
Uh, where we gonna go, Edith? Down to the police station.
No, Edith, you ain't gonna identify that guy, are you? Yeah.
If it's him, I gotta stop him.
Oh, Ma.
You can put all that stuff away, Gloria.
I ain't gonna do no more ironin'.
There's some clothes soakin' in the tub downstairs.
You can let the water out.
They was clean anyway.
Come on, Archie.
Aaaaah! ROB REINER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.