Benidorm (2007) s08e04 Episode Script
Series 8, Episode 4
Good morning, son.
Yes, Mother, it certainly is.
You got your fliptop back? - Laptop.
- That's it.
Got it back last night after our games night.
Did that young lad manage to fix it for you? Yeah, I found out last night I'd picked up a virus.
My inbox had been hacked to bits.
Oh, son, what have I told you about going into that old town? No, a computer virus.
Anyway, my name has been cleared and I am in receipt of a full apology.
Oh, that's nice.
An email from Barry Stent - aka The Grand Wizard.
"Dear Mr Maltby.
After careful consideration of the facts" Blah, blah, blah, blah Here we go.
".
.
It is my very great pleasure to clear you of all wrongdoing "and reinstate you with the Quiz Master title "second only to The Grand Wizard.
"Congratulations, brother, you are, once again "The Oracle.
" Oh, well done, son! I am pleased.
Justice has prevailed, Mother.
Smashing.
Are you gonna have a bit of breakfast? You know when they asked Nelson Mandela about his time in prison, and he said, "I went on a long holiday for 27 years"? I think I know what he meant.
We're only booked in till Friday, love.
No, what I mean, is Begging your pardon.
Oh, Pauline, love, what is that smell? Drain cleaner.
I had a slight contretemps with the bidet this morning.
Mistook it for the lavatory.
In the long run, I think you'll find Mr Wu's takeaway is not the bargain the price would initially suggest.
Pauline, are you feeling OK? You look like you've gone Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I'm merely suffering from a mild bout of hay fever.
- Uh-uh.
- Hey, there is no self service for alcohol.
- I beg your pardon? - I seed you taking spirits! The bar is not open until after breakfast.
If you need alcohol so early in the morning, the supermarket is open for the alcofrolics at 8am.
How dare you? I have been by as a drone for the last 18 months.
You have your warning! Oh, Pauline, and you were doing so well.
OK, I won't keep you long.
Crystal Hennessey-Vass, in all her infinite wisdom, has decided that wristbands are a thing of the past.
So as of today, we'll be rolling out a new system of barcoded ID cards, just like this one here.
So, is there anyone present who is au fait with this latest technology? What is a "fey"? - No idea.
- Anyone good with computers? Do you want me to get on the blower to Baby Jesus? Do you remember? It was him who showed me how to use the hotel computer.
Um how old is he again? Nine.
I think not.
You can stay behind Les.
Let's hope Baby Jesus taught you well.
Amber, you're on posters and leaflets.
Of course.
No problem.
The rest of you be sure to explain the situation delicately.
Our guests do not like change.
We once tried to introduce a fair-use policy on alcohol.
It was like the Brixton riots.
OK, vamoose! - Morning, campers! - Late night, Kenneth? No, it was a very early one.
After I woke up in Neptune's, I went to The Intimate Bar in the old town for some karaoke.
They worry if I don't give them my Little White Bull once a week.
I was in bed by three.
So ready for a full day in the salon? - New start after our little disagreement? - Absolutely.
- Well, you can't.
- What? The Spanish workmen have let me down and the salon isn't ready.
I told you! The only deadline them Spanish builders will work to is manana.
Because you know about manana, it never comes.
Donald and I once knew a Spanish builder like that.
I had to hire a wheelchair.
So, anyway, looks like you've got another day off.
No, not me, love, I'm like a coiled spring.
Why don't we put the nail bar out here? - You what? - Next to the pool? I suggested it once to Liam, but with his fair skin, more than 20 minutes in the sun and he ends up looking like Carrie on prom night.
If I'm gonna do a full day's work, I'd better bulk up on carbs.
More toast.
- Do you have any idea how this game works, then? - Not a clue, mate.
All I know is that the prawns move sideways.
Right.
Is she even looking? Yeah, she's coming! OK, do what I do.
Nice try, Joseph.
Not this time, though, my old friend.
Nice try, Joseph.
Not this time - Not you, you dickhead! Just answer me! Sorry about that, Joseph.
I thought that strong opening would fox you.
Yeah, geez, I tried to jump your prawn but you was, like, "Boom! Take that, bitch!" You'll have to wake up pretty early in the morning to sneak that manoeuvre past me, old boy.
Yeah, bruv, you were, like, totally owning me.
I got to step my shit up, innit? I think you could say that.
Hello, boys.
Oh, wow, you playing chess? I love it.
Now, if I can just avoid your fox, and get my horsey to eat your prawn, I think it might be time to get the check, mate! Here's a leaflet about new ID cards.
If you need any help reading it, let me know.
What, bruv? Say sorry.
What? Say sorry for last night! I can't hear you.
He wants you to apologise for last night.
Apologise for what? Making a swift recovery? I didn't realise good health were a crime! Good health? One minute you're on death's door, the next you're being thrown from a bronco with a liver full of tequila.
Very good for cauterising pain, alcohol.
Anyway, if I hadn't gone on the bucking bronco, I wouldn't have won these, would I? Champagne Brunch for two at the Three Seasons.
You went on a bucking bronco? Aye, and I won.
In fairness, it were t'Over-65s category.
The only other one was this old Spanish lass.
I tried to warn her against going on a bucking bronco with colostomy bag but she were having none of it.
What kind of bag, Granddad? Well, basically, it's a great big bag of sh Never mind, darling.
Anyway, I thought these might be a way of making up for slightly exaggerating my illness.
Thanks, Dad, that's really kind.
No worries, kid.
Rob, Jodie - have a great time.
Dad! I'm only messing with you! Oh, come on, Sheron, love.
I'll look after t'kids.
I've just had my breakfast, thank you.
Come on, it'll be nice.
Worth it just for the Champagne.
Go on, Mum, we'll be all right.
It's not all greasy bacon and eggs like this place.
They do fruit and all that diet stuff that you like.
Me mother's upset that you've started drinking again.
What are you talking about? This is pineapple juice.
Nature's candy! - You're smashed out of your head.
- How dare you? It's merely the time of year, my sinuses are blocked.
- Give us that here.
- What are you doing? - It's not good for you.
- Get off, it's part of my five a day! - Look, just give it us here! - You're spilling it! Ah, perfect timing, my good man.
One more pineapple juice and another portion of your splendid nuts.
So, after you've checked their room number and their passport, you input their name here and you take their photo with this desk-mounted camera.
You see? Simple.
Easy, an idiot could do it.
Well, that was the general idea.
But make sure the photo is exactly like this one.
No looking off to the side, no cutting off the top of the head or one of their numerous chins.
It must be framed exactly like this one.
- Understood.
- Marvellous, see you later.
Mrs Temple-Savage? I can't do this now.
I'm due a few hours off.
- I beg your pardon? - You agreed to it last week.
For personal reasons.
Well, I'm sorry, Les, but we're short-staffed as it is.
And I've got a meeting with my financial advisor.
Anyway, it's not in the book.
I know, I asked you to put it in the book but you said, don't bother.
Really? Yeah, I remember because you said your mind is like a Thai prison - once something goes in, it never comes out.
No, I'm sorry, Les.
We're run off our feet.
Mrs Temple-Savage.
I wouldn't normally insist, but I'm actually having laser eye surgery.
The old peepers aren't what they used to be, it's all booked in.
What's happened to you? Just another day in the bin of the loonies.
I'm sorry, Les, there's nothing I can do.
The rules are there for a reason.
Without them we descend into chaos, you must see that.
I can hardly see anything, that's why I booked the appointment! Hey, Mateo, have you got a minute? What do you want? Let me teach you to use this, quick.
- Well, hey there! - Well, hey there, yourself.
What can I get you? I'd like one tequila sunrise.
Don't you think you're a bit young for tequila? Oh, it ain't for me.
I wanna surprise my granddaddy with it, over there.
Excuse me, my dear, when you have a moment, can you pop a small large vodka in there, will you? No ice.
Well, excuse me! You might have noticed there is a line? Oh, so sorry, madam.
Please.
After you.
I'm sorry, darling, but I can't serve you.
You're just too itty-bitty small for alcohol.
- I beg your pardon? - Yeah, I'll serve you in just one second.
I am not talking about my drink, I refer to your appalling, bare-faced racism.
Racism? Our diminutive American cousin may be a dwarf but that doesn't exclude her from enjoying her holiday.
- I ain't no dwarf! - Sorry.
Of course.
Midget.
Tell me, did you have many relatives in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory? I ain't no dwarf or no midget, I'm just a little person.
Exactly! You're a person.
And I will not stand by and have you discriminated against by Miss Tits & Teeth 1993 here.
You do realise she's not actually a - No, young lady, it is you who doesn't realise.
Now, two very small large vodka and pineapples or I'll have your badge.
I'm Pauline, by the way.
Charmed.
I'm Jodie.
So nice to meet a kindred spirit.
I don't know if you've noticed but there is quite an odd element in the local clientele.
Stupid is as stupid does.
Exactly.
I couldn't have put it better myself.
By the way, you're gonna need to exchange your wristbands for an ID card in reception, if that's OK.
Oh, quit your jibber-jabber! To coin an old Chaucerian saying, lady, you're really beginning to get on my tits.
Yes, please? Please, take a seat.
Tell me, from which part of the New World do you hail? So, the main thing is to get the photo exactly like this one.
OK, no problem.
So where are you going? Did I not tell you? I'm booked in for an operation.
- Operation? - Corrective surgery.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
I've always wanted to get it done.
I can't go on like this.
Does Liam know you are doing this? He was the one that suggested it.
Madre mia! And you will be away for a long time? No, you're in and out these days.
I'll be back in a couple of hours.
- How can this be? - They use a laser.
A laser? Aye, they're quick, painless.
Whoa! Just like that and your life changes forever.
Exactly.
clearly for the first time in years.
So I'm all right to get off, then? Of course.
Anything you need, I am here for you.
Ah, thanks pal.
You're a mate.
Goodbye, Les.
And tonight you will be Lesley, yes? I reckon so.
And I will love you just as much, brother.
I mean, sister.
Aye, champion.
I'll see you later.
Now, that is a crime.
Excuse me? A beautiful woman, sitting all on her own, with nothing but the Spanish sun for company.
My friends are here, they're just a bit busy at the moment.
Well, why don't I sit and keep you company till they come back? Oh Are you all right? I can leave you in peace if you want.
No, I'm sorry.
It's just, that was husband's sunbed.
Bloody hell, you could have said.
No, I meant, when we used to come here together.
He recently passed away.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, love.
Still, I bet t'last thing he'd want is for you to be lonely.
Yeah, you're right there.
I bet he's looking down on you now, seeing you with a handsome fella next to you, with a big smile on his face.
Yeah.
To be honest, that's what he liked to do when he was alive.
Excuse me, guys.
Just need to ask you to make your way to reception at some point today for new ID cards, if that's OK.
No problem, darling.
Hello? Shop? One-and-a-half very thirsty people over here.
When you have a moment, obviously.
Are you absolutely sure she's drunk? Mother, she's on the bar doing the breaststroke.
I think she's just a bit giddy about the hot weather.
Don't be fooled, Mother.
It may be sunny now but there's a storm on its way.
And this one is the Bishop, he can move any number of squares.
Like the Queen? - No, any number of squares diagonally - Like the Queen! - No.
- Let him finish, man! Any number of squares diagonally but he can't jump over other pieces.
So how come the King who is, like, the King, can only move one space? Is he, like, disabled? Because, mate, if you ask me, he's no better off than a prawn, and that can't be right! Hey, Jodie, you all right? Yeah, can I get my nails done? They said they'd do it for free.
But I have to ask me mum, but she's not here.
I reckon so.
Is me Granddad looking after you? Yeah, I've been talking to Pauline.
When you've had your nails done, make sure you go back to Granddad.
All right.
OK, so how do you remember which thing does what? It's probably easier if we have a game and you can learn it as you go along.
Nice one, bruv! Do you want to play for money? OK, next one, please, keep it moving.
Oh, it's you.
Now, I would like one very small large vodka and pineapple juice, half a lager.
- Wait! This is not a bar.
What do you mean, it's not a bar? What the Dickens are all these people queueing for? No! No-o! Give it back, I say! Shut up, you crazy woman.
This is instead of your wristband.
Oh.
I do beg your pardon.
- What is your room number? - Sorry? What is your room number? Just a moment! I may have had one or two sherbets but you won't find me easy pickings.
I just need your room number.
You're quite persistent, aren't you? Room 625.
Any time after midnight.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
See how thoughtful me Dad is? He's just a bit eccentric.
He always has been.
Yeah, that's the word, eccentric.
I know he puts on a brave face but this divorce has hit him hard.
Can you imagine starting a new life when you're nearly 70? He's not nearly 70, he's 66.
That's not far off.
It's very far off.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Just like 47 is miles away from The next big number.
You don't have to say it.
Hey, hey, don't be shy, you know my feelings about being with a slightly more mature woman.
Do you want to drink the rest of that champagne or wear it? Right, let's finish this then have a walk up the prom.
I wanna see about getting you one of them mobility scooters.
I'm joking! Gracias.
Ooh, champagne! Are we celebrating? Yes, of course, Joyce.
We have to toast your new home.
Monty, I didn't mention it when I left a message on your phone but I didn't get it.
Oh.
I think they'll take the champagne back if you haven't touched it.
Don't worry about that.
It came free with a voucher I won a few nights ago.
That was clever of you.
Not really.
I've still got the bruises to prove it.
- Bruises? - Never mind.
Well, that was a bit of a waste, me pulling all those strings to get your mortgage increased.
Well, maybe not, I've also come into a bit of money.
Oh, really? Joyce, you're not back on the scratchcards again? No, of course not.
So, what I was thinking was, with the 15,000 and the 150,000 mortgage, I can afford one of your villas! My villas? Well, yeah, the um Where is it? The leaflet you gave me a few weeks ago.
Oh.
Oh, those.
We could go and see them.
I don't have to be back at the Solana for a couple of hours.
Joyce, can I be frank with you? Of course you can be frank.
These are not the sort of houses that you sell to a friend.
- Oh.
- And I do count you as a friend, Joyce.
So do I, Frank Monty.
A friend I'd like to get to know more.
How much more? It's been a slow burn but I realised it this morning.
Every time we're about to meet, the signs are all there.
The best tie comes out of the drawer, the careful trimming of the moustache in the mirror, an extra squirt of Hai Karate.
Extra squirt of what? It's an aftershave.
Oh.
So you're asking me on a date? That's right, I'm asking you to go on a date.
My answer is yes, Monty, I'd love to go on a date with you! Wonderful! Something I didn't mention because I'm not one to gloat but I am a Gold Card holder for Mr Wu's Buffet just off the Mediterraneo.
Well, we could meet at the Solana and decide from there.
Yes, of course.
A woman of your breeding deserves the very best.
A la carte at Mr Wu's.
Oh, yes.
Chips and rice tonight, Joyce, chips and rice! Hey, Mateo.
How's the ID card thing going? Everything is under the control.
It is all about relegation.
- You mean "delegation"? - Is what I'm saying.
Another very small large vodka and pineapple juice, if you please.
I do not understand, all of this is just more work.
It's quite clever, it keeps track of who's eating and drinking what.
Also means we don't have to stock take, either.
If we're running low on something, it just flashes up.
Look.
Can I just borrow your card? I may as well have a very small very small large Baileys while you're at it.
I've developed quite a sweet tooth today for some reason.
And now we press "enter" and it should tell how us many drinks the guest has had today.
Ooh 842.
- Skol! - Well, that can't be right.
It says here, she has had 842 drinks.
Don't forget, I had quite a large breakfast.
Show me the card.
Why does her card have a picture of Joyce on it? - This is correct, no? - No.
Excuse me, can I just have a look at your cards? Mateo, they all have Joyce on them.
OK, listen, before Les went for his sex change, he say, "Mateo, print the cards exactly like this one.
" You can ask him when he gets back.
I mean, you can ask her when she gets back.
Oh, my God.
You didn't know about his operation? It was a shock for me too.
Then that were it, Oh, I am sorry.
Yes, I admit, I was wrong to stray.
But a man has his needs, if you don't mind me saying so.
Oh, no, you can say what you like with me.
And then as Mary got older Well, just let's say her appetite diminished.
And she didn't exactly start off starving hungry.
I've always thought of sex as a dinner party.
As long as all the guests are invited, you can go ahead and make a right old pig of yourself.
Eddie, can I have a squirt of your cream? Oooh, I feel like a sausage that hasn't been pricked! - You what? - Me back.
I'm burning up! Oh, aye.
Do you want me to do it for you? Oh, yes! Right, Jungle Red, here we go.
Oh, my God, check the date on that bottle.
I've never smelt a polish so strong.
I haven't opened it yet.
- Eugh! - Oh! Oh, my God! I was thinking, Jodie.
Two young, single women like ourselves, maybe we should hit the town later? Well, I'm here with my mum, so I would have to ask her.
Tell me, is your mother a short person as well? I mean, does it run in the family? Like being ginger? Keep your hands still, please.
The look we're going for is '50s glamour, not like you've been gutting a rabbit.
My mum's really tall.
Say that again.
My mum's really tall.
Do you know, it's fascinating, but you've slipped out of your American accent.
Oddly enough, I was in South Africa and picked up a twang there.
It's ebbed away the last few years, thank God.
Do you know, at times I sounded almost toffee-nosed.
Can you believe that? Ah, perfect timing.
Same again for me and my little friend here will have a Margarita.
For tonight, we hit the town! I'm sorry, we're not serving you any more.
I thought this was supposed to be all-inclusive? We're not serving you any more alcohol.
Fine.
Then just two very large Margaritas for my good friend Jodie.
She hasn't had half the alcohol I've had.
I beg your pardon? I assure you, this young lady's been served no alcohol whatsoever.
I've been drinking all afternoon with this splendid woman.
I can assure you she's been knocking back vodkas like a Russian soldier.
What? She can drink as well as the next man, as long as the next man is Paul Gascoigne.
What is going on here? Hiya, what was your Champagne brunch like? I'll "Champagne brunch" you in a minute! Where's your Granddad? Are you Jodie's mother? She said you were very tall.
Who the frigging hell are you? I'm Jodie's new drinking partner.
We've had quite the day, haven't we, darling? Oh, Pauline! Come on, let's get you inside.
It's gonna be all right, everything's gonna be all right.
Don't my nails look pretty, Mummy? Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming to this intervention for my sister Pauline, who's an alcoholic.
Not true! Pauline, it's OK.
It's time to face your demons.
No, I mean I'm not your sister, am I? Technically speaking.
Oh, right, you're bringing that up now? Come on, Pauline, love.
Play nice.
We're trying to help you.
Not being funny, pal, but what's this got to do with us? An important part of the process is Pauline apologising to the people she's hurt.
So I'd like to ask Sheron if she'd air some of her grievances, please? Right, I'm going to try and stay calm.
Basically, I go out for two hours and I come back to find my seven-year-old daughter sitting with this lunatic drinking vodka through a curly straw.
In my defence, I did think your daughter was a midget.
- What? - Sorry.
I mean "little person".
Hang on, we've established Jodie wasn't served alcohol at any time.
Yeah, don't you think you're taking this a bit seriously? Seriously? Of course I'm taking it seriously! I ask you to look after my child for one morning, Eddie.
Anything could have happened! OK, folks, we're here for Pauline.
I'm not here for Pauline.
I'm here to find out what happened to my daughter while I was away.
- Having a Champagne brunch.
- Aha! - Now we're getting somewhere! - What's that go to do with anything? Let he who is without sin cast the first stone! - You what? Listen you - - Sheron, just sit down! I think we're getting a bit side-tracked.
Maybe we should try to speak one at a time.
We'll use this as a talking stick.
Pauline, I think you should go first.
What's this? We're using it as a talking stick.
No, I can't hear anything.
Oh, this is ridiculous! Sorry to interrupt.
I'm only here to see who's paying for her nails.
I'm going.
This woman has wasted enough of my time already.
Sorry.
Right, who wants a beer? We can't have alcohol, this is supposed to be an intervention! Mum? Mum? Sorry, love, I was just resting my eyes.
They're ordering drinks from the bar! Oh, right.
I'll have a sherry, please, nice and dry.
OK, love.
Everything shipshape and Bristol fashion? - Just another regular day.
- Very good.
Are all the ID cards working? The ID cards have been distributed.
Wonderful.
I knew you'd be OK.
Amber, I've been speaking to Head Office about the possibility of an assistant manager's position.
How does that sound? Oh, wow! That sounds great! Thank you.
I know you've only just joined us but I like to think that I have an eye for talent.
Chips and rice, Amber.
Chips and rice.
There we go, darling.
Snug as a bug in a rug.
Oh, Pauline, we are worried about you, you know.
Big fuss over nothing.
It's OK to have a cool beer with your lunch and a glass of wine with your tea and who doesn't like a bloody Mary with breakfast? But when you're getting through a couple of bottles of mouthwash to get you out of bed in the morning, you've gone too far.
But, Mummy, it makes my breath so minty fresh.
I know it does, love.
And believe me, I can be an absolute pig with the eggnog at Christmas.
But I just think we need to get you some professional help.
Whatever you say.
And try and be nicer to Geoff, for my sake if nothing else.
I know he's not your real brother.
But he cares about you.
That's not true.
It is, love.
He cares about you so much.
No, I mean Regardless of parentage, he'll always be my brother.
Come on, son.
I'm sorry but I don't see how you have cause for complaint.
Don't you think you have a responsibility not to serve so much alcohol to one person they can't tell a seven-year-old child from a midget? Madam, this is Benidorm.
If we stopped serving alcohol to everyone who was drunk, my staff would be sitting twiddling their thumbs all day.
You haven't heard the last of this.
Of course not, that would be madness.
I think we got away with that.
Maybe I should cancel my night off.
No! I mean why would you do that? We've got everything under control here.
Where's Les? I haven't seen him since I got back.
We were a bit short-staffed at the kids club today.
He's probably hanging up his Dickie Donut costume as we speak.
And probably putting on another equally ridiculous one after that.
Are you OK? Going anywhere nice this evening? Amber, I'm not stupid, what are you trying to hide? - My darling Joyce - Oh, my God! When did he get here? There comes a time, in every man's life, when he has to ask himself what's really important.
And since I met you, I find myself asking, "Do I need a fast car, a fancy apartment? Do I need the flashy jewellery and the expensive clothes?" And the answer to these questions is Yes, obviously.
But what's the point in having them if I've got nobody to share them with? Naturally, all those things can be enjoyed by a single person.
- Of course they can.
- Get on with it! My point is this.
I've made some wrong choices in my life and I've not always liked the person I've turned out to be.
But you, Joyce you make me feel brand new.
My love I'll never find the words, my love To tell you how I feel, my love Mere words Could not explain Looking forward to a nice evening off, Miss Temple-Savage? Precious love I hope this isn't gonna be one of them dreary nights full of people whining crappy old love songs to each other.
Any more of this, I'll have to put me name down for Sweet Caroline.
Oh, not Sweet Caroline! I know, Jacqueline, awful song, but look, we're at breaking point.
If someone doesn't give this crowd a chorus they can sing along to, the peasants will be revolting.
I mean, more revolting than they are already.
They're not all revolting.
Oh, yeah? What's the score with you and Captain Birdseye? Oh, just a bit of flirting.
Makes the world go around.
Just shows, a little innovation can go a long way.
For God's sake, calm down.
It was two plastic chairs and an umbrella.
It wouldn't exactly get them jizzing on Dragon's Den.
.
.
Back to me - What's this? - Your cut from the Pop-Up Nail Bar.
Jacqueline, as our sleeping partner, I've sent a bottle of cava to your room, I know you like a nightcap.
Ooh! Why don't we have another one here and then all go up and drink a toast to Blow and Go? Oh, there's a lovely view of the cross from my balcony.
Now that's what I call good business! and sometimes bends Without you Life has no meaning or rhyme Hello? Like notes to a song out of time I'm sorry, Crystal, I can hardly hear you.
Yes, there is a terrible noise this end.
Having faith in me I'll call you from the office in ten minutes.
For God blessed me with you How do you mean she doesn't know? Every card has her face on it.
Look, the real responsible is here, ask him yourself.
I mean, ask her yourself.
I'm sorry I was so long, I kind of misjudged the recovery time.
Lesley, I can't believe you're back on your feet so quickly after such a major operation.
Oh, it's like a conveyor belt up there in Villa Joiosa.
The doctor was telling me he does about 20 patients a day.
And you have to go back for them to do your voice, obviously.
Temple-Savage hasn't missed me, has she? No, we covered for you, but we've still got to sort these out.
What's wrong? Oh, you didn't mess them up, did you? I told you to do them exactly like that! And he did.
- What? - It's all right.
Joyce has tonight off and she's not in until tomorrow afternoon.
There's loads of blank cards left, we can do them all again tomorrow.
Did you keep the receipt for your sex change, Lesley? I think they made one booby bigger than the other.
Sex change? What are you talking about, man? I've had me eyes lasered.
Ya daft bugger.
I knew this operation was for her eyes.
I mean, his eyes.
I'm not a complete idiot! Really? Which part's missing? You made me feel brand new.
Forgive me, Joyce, I couldn't help myself.
Monty, I said eight o'clock in the text.
I still haven't got changed.
Well, I can wait here.
I've got to make a phone call to make too, I'll be at least 45 minutes.
I've waited so long, what's another 45 minutes? OK, if you want a drink, use this.
It's also my room key.
Come up in about an hour, we'll have drinks on the balcony before we go out, room 1501.
Perfect.
Chips and rice tonight, Monty.
Definitely chips and rice.
Whoa! I can see clearly now the rain has gone Look at them all, staring and sneering.
As if they've never had a member of the family do anything embarrassing.
Well, at least we know she's safely tucked up in bed, away from those prying eyes.
Oh, it's all my fault.
I knew we should have gone to Center Parcs.
You can't blame yourself, Mam.
All them meetings, all that willpower gone for nothing.
Well, she may have strayed from the path but I hope she finds her way back again.
As Pauline herself has said, many times, it's a long, lonely journey on the road to Domestos.
Damascus.
That's right, Crystal.
The new system was rolled out today with no problems.
How many drinks? Are you sure that's from one person? Well, yes, they should be immediately blacklisted, from all Solana group hotels.
Could you give me the ID number? I'll track this hooligan down.
Although to be honest, I've got a very good idea who the culprit is.
Yes.
1-1-4-2.
Here we go.
Erm yes, I've found the culprit.
Yes, you're right.
Absolute menace to society.
They'll be thrown out on their ear.
OK.
Good night.
Right! Let's get one thing straight.
My sister is no different to any one of you lot here.
I mean, look at yourselves, whispering and nudging.
"Yeah, that's the family with the pisshead.
" But when you point a finger at someone, you've got three pointing back at yourself.
Who can sit here and say that they haven't got a relation who's brought shame and disappointment on their family? Who can sit here and say they haven't done the same thing themselves? Isn't it about time we looked at our mothers our children our brothers and sister and started to love them for who they are? And not worry about what they look like? Or for how they choose to live their life? Or how they try and cope with whatever life throws at them? Because no matter how frustrating or embarrassing they might be, we can't give up on them.
Cos they're a part of us a part of our family.
Hit it, Darren.
We Are Family We are family I've got all my sisters and me We are family Come on, everybody, and sing Come on! We are family I've got all my sisters and me We are family So, all we ask from you is a £5,000 deposit.
It really is too good a deal to turn down.
Sorry, I don't know about 5,000.
I'd be hard pushed to raise 500.
I know the feeling.
A bottle of lager and an orange juice, please.
- Where did you get that from? - A woman gave it to me.
- When did she give it to you? - Today.
It gets you into the apartment as well.
But you're about 12! I'm 20, mate, 21 in September.
Or is it October? Do you intend on going up to the apartment this evening? Absolutely! I'll be sleeping there tonight.
- What? - Yeah.
They don't call it all-inclusive for nothing! Bloody hell! Same again, Jacqueline? Oh, thanks, Lesley, just one more.
Then I've got a date upstairs with a bottle of bubbly and a couple of friends! Hola! Sod this for a game of soldiers.
Monty? Monty! I'm sorry, we've got a bit of a crisis.
No, Joyce, I'm sorry.
I refuse to be just another notch on your bedpost.
I beg your pardon? It's typical, the one time I put my feelings out there for everyone to see, I get hurt and humiliated.
What are you talking about? I thought you were coming up to have drinks on my balcony? From what I've seen, there might not be any room for me! I'd get a turnstile fitted, if I were you.
Monty? Monty! We are family Get up, everybody, and sing! Love you, Pauline! Sleep tight, sister! So make a stand for your man, honey Try to can the can
Yes, Mother, it certainly is.
You got your fliptop back? - Laptop.
- That's it.
Got it back last night after our games night.
Did that young lad manage to fix it for you? Yeah, I found out last night I'd picked up a virus.
My inbox had been hacked to bits.
Oh, son, what have I told you about going into that old town? No, a computer virus.
Anyway, my name has been cleared and I am in receipt of a full apology.
Oh, that's nice.
An email from Barry Stent - aka The Grand Wizard.
"Dear Mr Maltby.
After careful consideration of the facts" Blah, blah, blah, blah Here we go.
".
.
It is my very great pleasure to clear you of all wrongdoing "and reinstate you with the Quiz Master title "second only to The Grand Wizard.
"Congratulations, brother, you are, once again "The Oracle.
" Oh, well done, son! I am pleased.
Justice has prevailed, Mother.
Smashing.
Are you gonna have a bit of breakfast? You know when they asked Nelson Mandela about his time in prison, and he said, "I went on a long holiday for 27 years"? I think I know what he meant.
We're only booked in till Friday, love.
No, what I mean, is Begging your pardon.
Oh, Pauline, love, what is that smell? Drain cleaner.
I had a slight contretemps with the bidet this morning.
Mistook it for the lavatory.
In the long run, I think you'll find Mr Wu's takeaway is not the bargain the price would initially suggest.
Pauline, are you feeling OK? You look like you've gone Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I'm merely suffering from a mild bout of hay fever.
- Uh-uh.
- Hey, there is no self service for alcohol.
- I beg your pardon? - I seed you taking spirits! The bar is not open until after breakfast.
If you need alcohol so early in the morning, the supermarket is open for the alcofrolics at 8am.
How dare you? I have been by as a drone for the last 18 months.
You have your warning! Oh, Pauline, and you were doing so well.
OK, I won't keep you long.
Crystal Hennessey-Vass, in all her infinite wisdom, has decided that wristbands are a thing of the past.
So as of today, we'll be rolling out a new system of barcoded ID cards, just like this one here.
So, is there anyone present who is au fait with this latest technology? What is a "fey"? - No idea.
- Anyone good with computers? Do you want me to get on the blower to Baby Jesus? Do you remember? It was him who showed me how to use the hotel computer.
Um how old is he again? Nine.
I think not.
You can stay behind Les.
Let's hope Baby Jesus taught you well.
Amber, you're on posters and leaflets.
Of course.
No problem.
The rest of you be sure to explain the situation delicately.
Our guests do not like change.
We once tried to introduce a fair-use policy on alcohol.
It was like the Brixton riots.
OK, vamoose! - Morning, campers! - Late night, Kenneth? No, it was a very early one.
After I woke up in Neptune's, I went to The Intimate Bar in the old town for some karaoke.
They worry if I don't give them my Little White Bull once a week.
I was in bed by three.
So ready for a full day in the salon? - New start after our little disagreement? - Absolutely.
- Well, you can't.
- What? The Spanish workmen have let me down and the salon isn't ready.
I told you! The only deadline them Spanish builders will work to is manana.
Because you know about manana, it never comes.
Donald and I once knew a Spanish builder like that.
I had to hire a wheelchair.
So, anyway, looks like you've got another day off.
No, not me, love, I'm like a coiled spring.
Why don't we put the nail bar out here? - You what? - Next to the pool? I suggested it once to Liam, but with his fair skin, more than 20 minutes in the sun and he ends up looking like Carrie on prom night.
If I'm gonna do a full day's work, I'd better bulk up on carbs.
More toast.
- Do you have any idea how this game works, then? - Not a clue, mate.
All I know is that the prawns move sideways.
Right.
Is she even looking? Yeah, she's coming! OK, do what I do.
Nice try, Joseph.
Not this time, though, my old friend.
Nice try, Joseph.
Not this time - Not you, you dickhead! Just answer me! Sorry about that, Joseph.
I thought that strong opening would fox you.
Yeah, geez, I tried to jump your prawn but you was, like, "Boom! Take that, bitch!" You'll have to wake up pretty early in the morning to sneak that manoeuvre past me, old boy.
Yeah, bruv, you were, like, totally owning me.
I got to step my shit up, innit? I think you could say that.
Hello, boys.
Oh, wow, you playing chess? I love it.
Now, if I can just avoid your fox, and get my horsey to eat your prawn, I think it might be time to get the check, mate! Here's a leaflet about new ID cards.
If you need any help reading it, let me know.
What, bruv? Say sorry.
What? Say sorry for last night! I can't hear you.
He wants you to apologise for last night.
Apologise for what? Making a swift recovery? I didn't realise good health were a crime! Good health? One minute you're on death's door, the next you're being thrown from a bronco with a liver full of tequila.
Very good for cauterising pain, alcohol.
Anyway, if I hadn't gone on the bucking bronco, I wouldn't have won these, would I? Champagne Brunch for two at the Three Seasons.
You went on a bucking bronco? Aye, and I won.
In fairness, it were t'Over-65s category.
The only other one was this old Spanish lass.
I tried to warn her against going on a bucking bronco with colostomy bag but she were having none of it.
What kind of bag, Granddad? Well, basically, it's a great big bag of sh Never mind, darling.
Anyway, I thought these might be a way of making up for slightly exaggerating my illness.
Thanks, Dad, that's really kind.
No worries, kid.
Rob, Jodie - have a great time.
Dad! I'm only messing with you! Oh, come on, Sheron, love.
I'll look after t'kids.
I've just had my breakfast, thank you.
Come on, it'll be nice.
Worth it just for the Champagne.
Go on, Mum, we'll be all right.
It's not all greasy bacon and eggs like this place.
They do fruit and all that diet stuff that you like.
Me mother's upset that you've started drinking again.
What are you talking about? This is pineapple juice.
Nature's candy! - You're smashed out of your head.
- How dare you? It's merely the time of year, my sinuses are blocked.
- Give us that here.
- What are you doing? - It's not good for you.
- Get off, it's part of my five a day! - Look, just give it us here! - You're spilling it! Ah, perfect timing, my good man.
One more pineapple juice and another portion of your splendid nuts.
So, after you've checked their room number and their passport, you input their name here and you take their photo with this desk-mounted camera.
You see? Simple.
Easy, an idiot could do it.
Well, that was the general idea.
But make sure the photo is exactly like this one.
No looking off to the side, no cutting off the top of the head or one of their numerous chins.
It must be framed exactly like this one.
- Understood.
- Marvellous, see you later.
Mrs Temple-Savage? I can't do this now.
I'm due a few hours off.
- I beg your pardon? - You agreed to it last week.
For personal reasons.
Well, I'm sorry, Les, but we're short-staffed as it is.
And I've got a meeting with my financial advisor.
Anyway, it's not in the book.
I know, I asked you to put it in the book but you said, don't bother.
Really? Yeah, I remember because you said your mind is like a Thai prison - once something goes in, it never comes out.
No, I'm sorry, Les.
We're run off our feet.
Mrs Temple-Savage.
I wouldn't normally insist, but I'm actually having laser eye surgery.
The old peepers aren't what they used to be, it's all booked in.
What's happened to you? Just another day in the bin of the loonies.
I'm sorry, Les, there's nothing I can do.
The rules are there for a reason.
Without them we descend into chaos, you must see that.
I can hardly see anything, that's why I booked the appointment! Hey, Mateo, have you got a minute? What do you want? Let me teach you to use this, quick.
- Well, hey there! - Well, hey there, yourself.
What can I get you? I'd like one tequila sunrise.
Don't you think you're a bit young for tequila? Oh, it ain't for me.
I wanna surprise my granddaddy with it, over there.
Excuse me, my dear, when you have a moment, can you pop a small large vodka in there, will you? No ice.
Well, excuse me! You might have noticed there is a line? Oh, so sorry, madam.
Please.
After you.
I'm sorry, darling, but I can't serve you.
You're just too itty-bitty small for alcohol.
- I beg your pardon? - Yeah, I'll serve you in just one second.
I am not talking about my drink, I refer to your appalling, bare-faced racism.
Racism? Our diminutive American cousin may be a dwarf but that doesn't exclude her from enjoying her holiday.
- I ain't no dwarf! - Sorry.
Of course.
Midget.
Tell me, did you have many relatives in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory? I ain't no dwarf or no midget, I'm just a little person.
Exactly! You're a person.
And I will not stand by and have you discriminated against by Miss Tits & Teeth 1993 here.
You do realise she's not actually a - No, young lady, it is you who doesn't realise.
Now, two very small large vodka and pineapples or I'll have your badge.
I'm Pauline, by the way.
Charmed.
I'm Jodie.
So nice to meet a kindred spirit.
I don't know if you've noticed but there is quite an odd element in the local clientele.
Stupid is as stupid does.
Exactly.
I couldn't have put it better myself.
By the way, you're gonna need to exchange your wristbands for an ID card in reception, if that's OK.
Oh, quit your jibber-jabber! To coin an old Chaucerian saying, lady, you're really beginning to get on my tits.
Yes, please? Please, take a seat.
Tell me, from which part of the New World do you hail? So, the main thing is to get the photo exactly like this one.
OK, no problem.
So where are you going? Did I not tell you? I'm booked in for an operation.
- Operation? - Corrective surgery.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
I've always wanted to get it done.
I can't go on like this.
Does Liam know you are doing this? He was the one that suggested it.
Madre mia! And you will be away for a long time? No, you're in and out these days.
I'll be back in a couple of hours.
- How can this be? - They use a laser.
A laser? Aye, they're quick, painless.
Whoa! Just like that and your life changes forever.
Exactly.
clearly for the first time in years.
So I'm all right to get off, then? Of course.
Anything you need, I am here for you.
Ah, thanks pal.
You're a mate.
Goodbye, Les.
And tonight you will be Lesley, yes? I reckon so.
And I will love you just as much, brother.
I mean, sister.
Aye, champion.
I'll see you later.
Now, that is a crime.
Excuse me? A beautiful woman, sitting all on her own, with nothing but the Spanish sun for company.
My friends are here, they're just a bit busy at the moment.
Well, why don't I sit and keep you company till they come back? Oh Are you all right? I can leave you in peace if you want.
No, I'm sorry.
It's just, that was husband's sunbed.
Bloody hell, you could have said.
No, I meant, when we used to come here together.
He recently passed away.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, love.
Still, I bet t'last thing he'd want is for you to be lonely.
Yeah, you're right there.
I bet he's looking down on you now, seeing you with a handsome fella next to you, with a big smile on his face.
Yeah.
To be honest, that's what he liked to do when he was alive.
Excuse me, guys.
Just need to ask you to make your way to reception at some point today for new ID cards, if that's OK.
No problem, darling.
Hello? Shop? One-and-a-half very thirsty people over here.
When you have a moment, obviously.
Are you absolutely sure she's drunk? Mother, she's on the bar doing the breaststroke.
I think she's just a bit giddy about the hot weather.
Don't be fooled, Mother.
It may be sunny now but there's a storm on its way.
And this one is the Bishop, he can move any number of squares.
Like the Queen? - No, any number of squares diagonally - Like the Queen! - No.
- Let him finish, man! Any number of squares diagonally but he can't jump over other pieces.
So how come the King who is, like, the King, can only move one space? Is he, like, disabled? Because, mate, if you ask me, he's no better off than a prawn, and that can't be right! Hey, Jodie, you all right? Yeah, can I get my nails done? They said they'd do it for free.
But I have to ask me mum, but she's not here.
I reckon so.
Is me Granddad looking after you? Yeah, I've been talking to Pauline.
When you've had your nails done, make sure you go back to Granddad.
All right.
OK, so how do you remember which thing does what? It's probably easier if we have a game and you can learn it as you go along.
Nice one, bruv! Do you want to play for money? OK, next one, please, keep it moving.
Oh, it's you.
Now, I would like one very small large vodka and pineapple juice, half a lager.
- Wait! This is not a bar.
What do you mean, it's not a bar? What the Dickens are all these people queueing for? No! No-o! Give it back, I say! Shut up, you crazy woman.
This is instead of your wristband.
Oh.
I do beg your pardon.
- What is your room number? - Sorry? What is your room number? Just a moment! I may have had one or two sherbets but you won't find me easy pickings.
I just need your room number.
You're quite persistent, aren't you? Room 625.
Any time after midnight.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
See how thoughtful me Dad is? He's just a bit eccentric.
He always has been.
Yeah, that's the word, eccentric.
I know he puts on a brave face but this divorce has hit him hard.
Can you imagine starting a new life when you're nearly 70? He's not nearly 70, he's 66.
That's not far off.
It's very far off.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Just like 47 is miles away from The next big number.
You don't have to say it.
Hey, hey, don't be shy, you know my feelings about being with a slightly more mature woman.
Do you want to drink the rest of that champagne or wear it? Right, let's finish this then have a walk up the prom.
I wanna see about getting you one of them mobility scooters.
I'm joking! Gracias.
Ooh, champagne! Are we celebrating? Yes, of course, Joyce.
We have to toast your new home.
Monty, I didn't mention it when I left a message on your phone but I didn't get it.
Oh.
I think they'll take the champagne back if you haven't touched it.
Don't worry about that.
It came free with a voucher I won a few nights ago.
That was clever of you.
Not really.
I've still got the bruises to prove it.
- Bruises? - Never mind.
Well, that was a bit of a waste, me pulling all those strings to get your mortgage increased.
Well, maybe not, I've also come into a bit of money.
Oh, really? Joyce, you're not back on the scratchcards again? No, of course not.
So, what I was thinking was, with the 15,000 and the 150,000 mortgage, I can afford one of your villas! My villas? Well, yeah, the um Where is it? The leaflet you gave me a few weeks ago.
Oh.
Oh, those.
We could go and see them.
I don't have to be back at the Solana for a couple of hours.
Joyce, can I be frank with you? Of course you can be frank.
These are not the sort of houses that you sell to a friend.
- Oh.
- And I do count you as a friend, Joyce.
So do I, Frank Monty.
A friend I'd like to get to know more.
How much more? It's been a slow burn but I realised it this morning.
Every time we're about to meet, the signs are all there.
The best tie comes out of the drawer, the careful trimming of the moustache in the mirror, an extra squirt of Hai Karate.
Extra squirt of what? It's an aftershave.
Oh.
So you're asking me on a date? That's right, I'm asking you to go on a date.
My answer is yes, Monty, I'd love to go on a date with you! Wonderful! Something I didn't mention because I'm not one to gloat but I am a Gold Card holder for Mr Wu's Buffet just off the Mediterraneo.
Well, we could meet at the Solana and decide from there.
Yes, of course.
A woman of your breeding deserves the very best.
A la carte at Mr Wu's.
Oh, yes.
Chips and rice tonight, Joyce, chips and rice! Hey, Mateo.
How's the ID card thing going? Everything is under the control.
It is all about relegation.
- You mean "delegation"? - Is what I'm saying.
Another very small large vodka and pineapple juice, if you please.
I do not understand, all of this is just more work.
It's quite clever, it keeps track of who's eating and drinking what.
Also means we don't have to stock take, either.
If we're running low on something, it just flashes up.
Look.
Can I just borrow your card? I may as well have a very small very small large Baileys while you're at it.
I've developed quite a sweet tooth today for some reason.
And now we press "enter" and it should tell how us many drinks the guest has had today.
Ooh 842.
- Skol! - Well, that can't be right.
It says here, she has had 842 drinks.
Don't forget, I had quite a large breakfast.
Show me the card.
Why does her card have a picture of Joyce on it? - This is correct, no? - No.
Excuse me, can I just have a look at your cards? Mateo, they all have Joyce on them.
OK, listen, before Les went for his sex change, he say, "Mateo, print the cards exactly like this one.
" You can ask him when he gets back.
I mean, you can ask her when she gets back.
Oh, my God.
You didn't know about his operation? It was a shock for me too.
Then that were it, Oh, I am sorry.
Yes, I admit, I was wrong to stray.
But a man has his needs, if you don't mind me saying so.
Oh, no, you can say what you like with me.
And then as Mary got older Well, just let's say her appetite diminished.
And she didn't exactly start off starving hungry.
I've always thought of sex as a dinner party.
As long as all the guests are invited, you can go ahead and make a right old pig of yourself.
Eddie, can I have a squirt of your cream? Oooh, I feel like a sausage that hasn't been pricked! - You what? - Me back.
I'm burning up! Oh, aye.
Do you want me to do it for you? Oh, yes! Right, Jungle Red, here we go.
Oh, my God, check the date on that bottle.
I've never smelt a polish so strong.
I haven't opened it yet.
- Eugh! - Oh! Oh, my God! I was thinking, Jodie.
Two young, single women like ourselves, maybe we should hit the town later? Well, I'm here with my mum, so I would have to ask her.
Tell me, is your mother a short person as well? I mean, does it run in the family? Like being ginger? Keep your hands still, please.
The look we're going for is '50s glamour, not like you've been gutting a rabbit.
My mum's really tall.
Say that again.
My mum's really tall.
Do you know, it's fascinating, but you've slipped out of your American accent.
Oddly enough, I was in South Africa and picked up a twang there.
It's ebbed away the last few years, thank God.
Do you know, at times I sounded almost toffee-nosed.
Can you believe that? Ah, perfect timing.
Same again for me and my little friend here will have a Margarita.
For tonight, we hit the town! I'm sorry, we're not serving you any more.
I thought this was supposed to be all-inclusive? We're not serving you any more alcohol.
Fine.
Then just two very large Margaritas for my good friend Jodie.
She hasn't had half the alcohol I've had.
I beg your pardon? I assure you, this young lady's been served no alcohol whatsoever.
I've been drinking all afternoon with this splendid woman.
I can assure you she's been knocking back vodkas like a Russian soldier.
What? She can drink as well as the next man, as long as the next man is Paul Gascoigne.
What is going on here? Hiya, what was your Champagne brunch like? I'll "Champagne brunch" you in a minute! Where's your Granddad? Are you Jodie's mother? She said you were very tall.
Who the frigging hell are you? I'm Jodie's new drinking partner.
We've had quite the day, haven't we, darling? Oh, Pauline! Come on, let's get you inside.
It's gonna be all right, everything's gonna be all right.
Don't my nails look pretty, Mummy? Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming to this intervention for my sister Pauline, who's an alcoholic.
Not true! Pauline, it's OK.
It's time to face your demons.
No, I mean I'm not your sister, am I? Technically speaking.
Oh, right, you're bringing that up now? Come on, Pauline, love.
Play nice.
We're trying to help you.
Not being funny, pal, but what's this got to do with us? An important part of the process is Pauline apologising to the people she's hurt.
So I'd like to ask Sheron if she'd air some of her grievances, please? Right, I'm going to try and stay calm.
Basically, I go out for two hours and I come back to find my seven-year-old daughter sitting with this lunatic drinking vodka through a curly straw.
In my defence, I did think your daughter was a midget.
- What? - Sorry.
I mean "little person".
Hang on, we've established Jodie wasn't served alcohol at any time.
Yeah, don't you think you're taking this a bit seriously? Seriously? Of course I'm taking it seriously! I ask you to look after my child for one morning, Eddie.
Anything could have happened! OK, folks, we're here for Pauline.
I'm not here for Pauline.
I'm here to find out what happened to my daughter while I was away.
- Having a Champagne brunch.
- Aha! - Now we're getting somewhere! - What's that go to do with anything? Let he who is without sin cast the first stone! - You what? Listen you - - Sheron, just sit down! I think we're getting a bit side-tracked.
Maybe we should try to speak one at a time.
We'll use this as a talking stick.
Pauline, I think you should go first.
What's this? We're using it as a talking stick.
No, I can't hear anything.
Oh, this is ridiculous! Sorry to interrupt.
I'm only here to see who's paying for her nails.
I'm going.
This woman has wasted enough of my time already.
Sorry.
Right, who wants a beer? We can't have alcohol, this is supposed to be an intervention! Mum? Mum? Sorry, love, I was just resting my eyes.
They're ordering drinks from the bar! Oh, right.
I'll have a sherry, please, nice and dry.
OK, love.
Everything shipshape and Bristol fashion? - Just another regular day.
- Very good.
Are all the ID cards working? The ID cards have been distributed.
Wonderful.
I knew you'd be OK.
Amber, I've been speaking to Head Office about the possibility of an assistant manager's position.
How does that sound? Oh, wow! That sounds great! Thank you.
I know you've only just joined us but I like to think that I have an eye for talent.
Chips and rice, Amber.
Chips and rice.
There we go, darling.
Snug as a bug in a rug.
Oh, Pauline, we are worried about you, you know.
Big fuss over nothing.
It's OK to have a cool beer with your lunch and a glass of wine with your tea and who doesn't like a bloody Mary with breakfast? But when you're getting through a couple of bottles of mouthwash to get you out of bed in the morning, you've gone too far.
But, Mummy, it makes my breath so minty fresh.
I know it does, love.
And believe me, I can be an absolute pig with the eggnog at Christmas.
But I just think we need to get you some professional help.
Whatever you say.
And try and be nicer to Geoff, for my sake if nothing else.
I know he's not your real brother.
But he cares about you.
That's not true.
It is, love.
He cares about you so much.
No, I mean Regardless of parentage, he'll always be my brother.
Come on, son.
I'm sorry but I don't see how you have cause for complaint.
Don't you think you have a responsibility not to serve so much alcohol to one person they can't tell a seven-year-old child from a midget? Madam, this is Benidorm.
If we stopped serving alcohol to everyone who was drunk, my staff would be sitting twiddling their thumbs all day.
You haven't heard the last of this.
Of course not, that would be madness.
I think we got away with that.
Maybe I should cancel my night off.
No! I mean why would you do that? We've got everything under control here.
Where's Les? I haven't seen him since I got back.
We were a bit short-staffed at the kids club today.
He's probably hanging up his Dickie Donut costume as we speak.
And probably putting on another equally ridiculous one after that.
Are you OK? Going anywhere nice this evening? Amber, I'm not stupid, what are you trying to hide? - My darling Joyce - Oh, my God! When did he get here? There comes a time, in every man's life, when he has to ask himself what's really important.
And since I met you, I find myself asking, "Do I need a fast car, a fancy apartment? Do I need the flashy jewellery and the expensive clothes?" And the answer to these questions is Yes, obviously.
But what's the point in having them if I've got nobody to share them with? Naturally, all those things can be enjoyed by a single person.
- Of course they can.
- Get on with it! My point is this.
I've made some wrong choices in my life and I've not always liked the person I've turned out to be.
But you, Joyce you make me feel brand new.
My love I'll never find the words, my love To tell you how I feel, my love Mere words Could not explain Looking forward to a nice evening off, Miss Temple-Savage? Precious love I hope this isn't gonna be one of them dreary nights full of people whining crappy old love songs to each other.
Any more of this, I'll have to put me name down for Sweet Caroline.
Oh, not Sweet Caroline! I know, Jacqueline, awful song, but look, we're at breaking point.
If someone doesn't give this crowd a chorus they can sing along to, the peasants will be revolting.
I mean, more revolting than they are already.
They're not all revolting.
Oh, yeah? What's the score with you and Captain Birdseye? Oh, just a bit of flirting.
Makes the world go around.
Just shows, a little innovation can go a long way.
For God's sake, calm down.
It was two plastic chairs and an umbrella.
It wouldn't exactly get them jizzing on Dragon's Den.
.
.
Back to me - What's this? - Your cut from the Pop-Up Nail Bar.
Jacqueline, as our sleeping partner, I've sent a bottle of cava to your room, I know you like a nightcap.
Ooh! Why don't we have another one here and then all go up and drink a toast to Blow and Go? Oh, there's a lovely view of the cross from my balcony.
Now that's what I call good business! and sometimes bends Without you Life has no meaning or rhyme Hello? Like notes to a song out of time I'm sorry, Crystal, I can hardly hear you.
Yes, there is a terrible noise this end.
Having faith in me I'll call you from the office in ten minutes.
For God blessed me with you How do you mean she doesn't know? Every card has her face on it.
Look, the real responsible is here, ask him yourself.
I mean, ask her yourself.
I'm sorry I was so long, I kind of misjudged the recovery time.
Lesley, I can't believe you're back on your feet so quickly after such a major operation.
Oh, it's like a conveyor belt up there in Villa Joiosa.
The doctor was telling me he does about 20 patients a day.
And you have to go back for them to do your voice, obviously.
Temple-Savage hasn't missed me, has she? No, we covered for you, but we've still got to sort these out.
What's wrong? Oh, you didn't mess them up, did you? I told you to do them exactly like that! And he did.
- What? - It's all right.
Joyce has tonight off and she's not in until tomorrow afternoon.
There's loads of blank cards left, we can do them all again tomorrow.
Did you keep the receipt for your sex change, Lesley? I think they made one booby bigger than the other.
Sex change? What are you talking about, man? I've had me eyes lasered.
Ya daft bugger.
I knew this operation was for her eyes.
I mean, his eyes.
I'm not a complete idiot! Really? Which part's missing? You made me feel brand new.
Forgive me, Joyce, I couldn't help myself.
Monty, I said eight o'clock in the text.
I still haven't got changed.
Well, I can wait here.
I've got to make a phone call to make too, I'll be at least 45 minutes.
I've waited so long, what's another 45 minutes? OK, if you want a drink, use this.
It's also my room key.
Come up in about an hour, we'll have drinks on the balcony before we go out, room 1501.
Perfect.
Chips and rice tonight, Monty.
Definitely chips and rice.
Whoa! I can see clearly now the rain has gone Look at them all, staring and sneering.
As if they've never had a member of the family do anything embarrassing.
Well, at least we know she's safely tucked up in bed, away from those prying eyes.
Oh, it's all my fault.
I knew we should have gone to Center Parcs.
You can't blame yourself, Mam.
All them meetings, all that willpower gone for nothing.
Well, she may have strayed from the path but I hope she finds her way back again.
As Pauline herself has said, many times, it's a long, lonely journey on the road to Domestos.
Damascus.
That's right, Crystal.
The new system was rolled out today with no problems.
How many drinks? Are you sure that's from one person? Well, yes, they should be immediately blacklisted, from all Solana group hotels.
Could you give me the ID number? I'll track this hooligan down.
Although to be honest, I've got a very good idea who the culprit is.
Yes.
1-1-4-2.
Here we go.
Erm yes, I've found the culprit.
Yes, you're right.
Absolute menace to society.
They'll be thrown out on their ear.
OK.
Good night.
Right! Let's get one thing straight.
My sister is no different to any one of you lot here.
I mean, look at yourselves, whispering and nudging.
"Yeah, that's the family with the pisshead.
" But when you point a finger at someone, you've got three pointing back at yourself.
Who can sit here and say that they haven't got a relation who's brought shame and disappointment on their family? Who can sit here and say they haven't done the same thing themselves? Isn't it about time we looked at our mothers our children our brothers and sister and started to love them for who they are? And not worry about what they look like? Or for how they choose to live their life? Or how they try and cope with whatever life throws at them? Because no matter how frustrating or embarrassing they might be, we can't give up on them.
Cos they're a part of us a part of our family.
Hit it, Darren.
We Are Family We are family I've got all my sisters and me We are family Come on, everybody, and sing Come on! We are family I've got all my sisters and me We are family So, all we ask from you is a £5,000 deposit.
It really is too good a deal to turn down.
Sorry, I don't know about 5,000.
I'd be hard pushed to raise 500.
I know the feeling.
A bottle of lager and an orange juice, please.
- Where did you get that from? - A woman gave it to me.
- When did she give it to you? - Today.
It gets you into the apartment as well.
But you're about 12! I'm 20, mate, 21 in September.
Or is it October? Do you intend on going up to the apartment this evening? Absolutely! I'll be sleeping there tonight.
- What? - Yeah.
They don't call it all-inclusive for nothing! Bloody hell! Same again, Jacqueline? Oh, thanks, Lesley, just one more.
Then I've got a date upstairs with a bottle of bubbly and a couple of friends! Hola! Sod this for a game of soldiers.
Monty? Monty! I'm sorry, we've got a bit of a crisis.
No, Joyce, I'm sorry.
I refuse to be just another notch on your bedpost.
I beg your pardon? It's typical, the one time I put my feelings out there for everyone to see, I get hurt and humiliated.
What are you talking about? I thought you were coming up to have drinks on my balcony? From what I've seen, there might not be any room for me! I'd get a turnstile fitted, if I were you.
Monty? Monty! We are family Get up, everybody, and sing! Love you, Pauline! Sleep tight, sister! So make a stand for your man, honey Try to can the can