Black-ish (2014) s08e04 Episode Script

1 Young people working part-time jobs it's the American way.
As a kid growing up in Compton in the '80s, I was mowing lawns at 12 and delivering papers at 14.
My kids, on the other hand, do not have that hustle.
They're spoiled Dad, uh, can you help me with that thing Mom's talking about? lazy You can't be a two-day college dropout and a stoner, boy.
Pick a struggle! and entitled.
If we don't get Chipotle tonight, I swear to God, I'm going to burn this house down! Maybe if I was harder on their privileged asses, one of them would make me proud.
So, I did some tinkering with the copy, and now the client wants us to be their agency of record.
Hm.
Okay.
- Hey, guys? - Hm? You're looking at the new locker-room attendant for the Lakers! Oh, I'm so proud of you, son! Oh! Oh! You got a job! How did this happen? How did you do - Uh-oh.
Wait a minute.
- What? Did you find a golden ticket inside a candy bar? - Come on, Mom.
- We have to ask you these questions, all right? You are the kid who thought that TikTok dancer needed money for medical school.
No, it's real.
- It is.
- What? Lately, I've been working on manifesting my dreams, so when a guy in front of me ordering lunch had a Lakers lanyard on, I started talking ball with him.
Afterwards, we connected on Instagram, and I told him to keep me in mind for any openings.
So I kept following up, and today is the day he finally came through.
You did this all on your own? - Mm-hmm.
- With no help from Diane? Yeah.
I mean, I helped brush his teeth and made sure he didn't wander into a construction site, - but this is all him.
- Yeah, you're right.
Finally, my hustle has started to rub off on you kids.
I literally brought in $2 million worth of billing today, but Our baby boy has a job! What?! We gotta celebrate.
We should we should make your favorite meal - No, no.
- Noodles and butter! Mom, you're not gonna believe this - What? - but I manifested that, too.
No way.
Get ready.
Get ready.
I'll cut the carrots.
I'll cut the carrots.
Hurry up, Earl! "Jeopardy!" 's starting, and I don't want to miss the personal anecdotes.
Here you go, my love.
Mm! Shrimp scampi a la Earl.
Um Baby, didn't we just have scampi? Here we go, baby.
Shrimp scampi à la Earl.
Shrimp scampi à la Earl.
Shrimp scampi à la Earl.
No, look, baby.
It's like we got a new thing.
It's "Scampi and 'Jeopardy!' Tuesdays.
" It's nice.
Yeah, throw that on top of "Football and Wings Monday.
" Oh, don't forget "House Hunters" and tacos on Wednesdays.
"Thursday Gumbo and Shonda.
" Love me some gumbo and Shonda.
And Fridays, we eat leftovers, answer e-mails, and the week's covered.
Yeah, it's nice to know what every day of the week is gonna look like for the rest of your life.
Yep, you and me, doing this every Tuesday until we die.
Until we die.
Jack's new job still seemed too good to be true, but luckily, he had me, a supportive father.
You see how easy we got in here, man? People are always mistaking me for a baller.
Also, I scanned us in with my badge.
All right, well, you know, if you need me to stick around and see how your first day goes, make sure it goes smoothly, you let me know.
Dad, this is not pre-school drop off, okay? I got this.
They sent me a PDF.
I read it.
I know where the clean and dirty towels go.
All right, son, let me give you some advice from somebody who's always around celebrities and big-time people, all the time.
Never look them in the eye.
They don't like that.
Why not? I don't know, man.
Celebrity is weird.
One time, I saw Sinbad go into a restaurant and wave and leave without eating anything.
Huh.
Okay, uh, thanks, Dad.
All right, well, you know, come on in here and give it your best shot, son.
And let them know if they're looking for a shooter, I can sign a 10-day contract.
Dre! Ahh! - Ow.
- Oh! - Dad.
- Oh, uh.
Okay, son, uh, you might want to pick that up before anybody sees it, okay? Go, go, go, go.
Dad Whoa.
Loose balls foul on that play, huh? You must be the new hire.
Yes, sir.
Jack Johnson.
Can't wait to start folding underpants.
That's weird, but I like your energy.
Where you from, Jack Johnson? Uh, the Oaks.
Hm, okay.
Dwight! I want you to meet Jack Johnson from the Oaks.
Oh, my cousin Sheila, she's from the Oaks.
- You know her? - Um, nah, sorry.
- Wait, Sheila Howard? - Yeah! Oh, I still don't know her.
Ahh, new guy, you got jokes.
All right.
Boop.
Ah, look at you two in love.
Hey.
Hey, hey.
Don't be thinking about bringing no babies in this house.
Be honest.
Would you really notice if there were any more? No.
But I have a question.
Now, you two have been together for a couple of years now, right? - Mm-hmm.
- You live together.
You share all your meals.
You do the same activity day after day, over and over and over.
Yeah, we really got it figured out.
I wouldn't use the words "perfect couple," but the cartoonist down at the pier did, so, you know.
Listen, listen.
Listen, listen, listen.
Does it Does it ever feel like things get a little predictable? I'm wondering, you know, for a friend, what are the kids doing these days to keep the gravy hot? - Oh.
- Eh? Well, um, the key is to mix it up.
See, like, Junior and I will pick restaurant names out of a fishbowl.
We do little scavenger hunts.
- He unexpectedly pays my bills sometimes.
- Okay.
That's great.
Oh, and recently, we've started confetti-ing each other.
Oh, yeah.
Sometimes, Olivia will just be going about her day and I'll randomly pop out from behind a door and shoot her with a confetti cannon.
She loves it! Yeah! It's like I'm in Times Square on New Year's, just without the cold weather and the pee smell.
It is just great.
Mm-hmm.
Hm.
Sounds stupid.
Oh.
When your grandfather and I were your age, we were cooling our heels in Baja with fake IDs under the assumed names of Ron Avocado and his sexy wife, Tina.
That's what we were doing.
Okay, Grandma.
It was just an idea.
And I'm sure your friend, whoever it is, doesn't need our advice anyway.
Oh, she doesn't, but I may still pass it on to her.
Mm.
She's in Europe now, you know, traveling around.
Good friend.
Earl! Earl! I'm telling you, don't lend him no money.
It kills friendships.
Bro, it's my cousin's girlfriend's barber's neighbor.
If I can't trust him, who can I trust? Mm.
Preach.
What you think, new guy? Who, me? Yeah, you, Little Mustache.
Really? 'Cause at home, nobody wants to know what I think.
No one even asks me what time I want to eat.
I just know if I'm not there by 6:00, Dad's gonna finish it.
Well, lucky for you, you're not at home, so, uh, speak.
Okay, um Well, if a friend asks me for money, usually, I'll lend it to them, but I'll make sure that they know that there's no more where that came from.
Sure, you can ask, but you can only ask once.
Damn! That's cold.
But you're not wrong.
Hey, pull up a chair, my dude.
O okay.
What's your thoughts on crypto? I hope Jack's first day at work went well.
Ah, well, I wouldn't count on it.
Why? He, uh, knocked over a bunch of basketballs before I left.
Well, first jobs are tough.
I remember I was scooping ice cream for minimum wage and all I got was 15 pounds heavier.
But I did learn a lot about responsibility and lactose intolerance.
You know, I think this job is gonna be a good learning experience for Jack.
And hopefully, he'll finally understand the value of a dollar.
Hey, Jack.
Move my car out of the driveway? First day went great! That right there? That's game-worn, playboy.
Better not see that on eBay.
- 'Sup, Mom? - H hi, sweetheart.
What is this? What is this? Where did you get a McLaren? Dwight Howard doesn't have any room in his garage until he sells the Lambo, - so I said I could hold it for him.
- Okay.
Okay, I don't think it's normal for you to have to store an NBA All-Star's car.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, it's not, but, babe, it's a McLaren.
So? All right, we'll keep your car on the street for the night.
Hey, I'm gonna go wash up for dinner.
You know, I caught a lot of dirty jocks today, so Ew.
Okay.
I know that we were excited about this job, Dre, but this is not flipping burgers for gas money.
Okay, babe, I hear you, but I really think this hustle is gonna benefit him in the long run.
Okay, you think it's a good idea for him to be hanging out with people that can lend him a $100,000 car? It's a $220,000 car.
Well, I'm worried that we're setting him up for unrealistic expectations.
Okay, babe.
How about we just set some rules, all right? - Keep him grounded.
- Perfect.
That is a great idea and will make me feel a lot better.
All right.
And I think you should type those up while I go make sure Jack didn't forget to turn the lights off in the McLaren.
Hey! Don't you drive that car without me.
I am just going to sit in it.
Okay.
What the hell?! You've been confetti'd, lover! What the hell is wrong with you, woman? You almost gave me a heart attack! It's gonna take Rainbow a year to clean up this mess.
Confetti in my whiskey? I mean, really, what do you think you're doing? Nothing, Earl.
I'm not doing anything.
Before Jack's next day at the Lakers, we made sure he knew our new rules of the road.
- Big day at work coming up? - Yep.
I've got to return the McLaren, run some errands, ah and we've got a shipment of this new fabric softener coming in that I'm really excited to get my nose on.
- All right, well, before you go - Yeah.
Your mother and I would like to lay down some ground rules.
Yeah.
You already told me not to look anyone in the eye, and, uh, that's not a thing, Dad.
Yeah, no, sweetheart.
We just want to make sure that there's some guardrails up so that you don't, you know, get off track.
Yeah.
Rule number one any car that you bring home, I get to drive.
Dre.
Sorry we get to drive.
Okay.
No more bringing cars home.
Yes, exactly.
And you need to keep your grades up, and just because you're doing chores for the Lakers doesn't mean you get to stop doing chores at home.
Fine.
Uh, I got it.
- You sure? - Yes.
All right, well, you have a great day at work.
And here, sweetheart.
Here's the key.
Why would you And just ignore any extra mileage on the McLaren that, you know, might be there from last night.
- Okay.
- Have a good day.
- Tell Dwight I said hello.
- Extra mileage? Yeah.
You were supposed to just drive it around the block if you were gonna drive it, babe.
Where'd you go? Vroom! Vrrrm-ree-errrrh-ahhh! Hey, Jack.
If you want to make a little extra money, Anthony Davis needs someone to dress up as Olaf for his kid's birthday party.
Uh, yeah.
I'm sorry.
I'm not able to do any of the after-hours stuff anymore.
Oh! Turns out Little Mustache is a busy guy.
See, time's not my problem.
Haters are my problem.
Nobody has any faith in me.
Jack, let me ask you this.
How many people you know that's killing it that don't have haters? No one.
Exactly, because that's just a sign that you're doing something right, and when you're doing something right, people get jealous, they get confused, they get to hating.
But you don't got to pay them no mind.
You gotta do you, baby.
Don't let anything stop you! Wait, really? Yes, 100%.
Listen, your path is for you to decide.
No one else.
Don't let anybody get in your way not the haters, not the government, not the guy in the cafeteria telling you they've stopped serving breakfast.
Nobody.
You get that burrito if you want to get that burrito, you hear me? Wow.
You guys are so right.
I needed to just stay on my path.
Thanks, guys.
Hey, wash these, too.
Do you want to make any extra money dressing up as Olaf? 'Cause none of us can fit in the suit.
Hell, no.
Hey, Pops.
Damn it.
What is it, everybody sneaking up on me today? First your grandmother confettis me and now this? You know, you almost made me spill your dad's good liquor.
Hold up.
You got confetti'd? - Yeah.
- So Grandma took our advice.
She's trying to keep the romance alive.
- Aww.
- Hey, our romance been alive since before the Black Panthers, so you need to get that idea out your mind.
Okay.
Of course, we've settled into more of a schedule than we would have liked to, and I can't even remember the last time we had a meal that didn't require thawing out, but we we don't need your help.
But while I have you here, tell me what it is that you young folks do to keep it poppin' these days.
Well, sometimes, Junior and I stay up for hours asking each other questions like, "What's the source of your self-worth?" Or, "If your house was burning down, what five things would you save?" And the more I learn, the more I want to discover.
Yeah.
I'm an onion, and she peels me.
That's the dumbest [bleep.]
I ever heard.
"What is the source of your self-worth?" This is the source of my self-worth.
I'm going back to the guest house.
There's no good advice up in here.
I thought it was pretty good advice, Pops.
Why'd he even ask? Gotcha! They'll never have what we have.
Part of being the parent is making the rules.
Your kids may not like it, but deep down, they respect you.
"I'll link up with you later"? What? Jack's talking like he's calling the shots.
- No.
- Yeah.
He's not asking now, he's just telling us what he's doing? Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Hey, Jack? This does not work for us.
You need to come home.
Send.
- Whoa! - - - Oh, hell no! He put me on Do Not Disturb! Uh, he must think he's grown.
How do you casually text someone you're not coming home and then put them on Do Not Disturb? Doesn't he know I will set it off? - It doesn't sound like it.
- What? Oh, we will.
Come on, Bow.
Okay, I'm driving, though.
Hold on.
I'm coming with.
Just let me grab the belt.
Okay, grab the one with the spikes on it.
Hurry up, honey! We made our way to Jack's work to let him have it.
The fool didn't know what was about to hit him.
Hey, Jack, I got to give it to you.
They been practicing for an hour and they don't smell like toe juice.
Ah.
Good job.
Using the new softener? Hey, I can't give up any of my secrets, but they win those games, I'll do the rest.
Jack! Jack Johnson! Boy, I see you hearing me! Despite your best efforts, we are here to disturb! Hit your free throws, Dwight! - Hit them! - We need security on the court.
There's some middle-aged guy losing his mind down there.
Get your little, narrow butt over here right now.
I'm sorry, friend.
I tried to stop them.
Well, I thought about stopping them.
You know, I may have told them a faster way to get here.
- I'm sorry.
- Okay, what are you guys doing here? I'm working.
- Not anymore.
No, no, no, no.
- Mnh-mnh.
I'm so sorry, Los Angeles Lakers, but Jack is going to need to quit because his mommy that's me and his daddy are here and we are taking him home.
Okay, you guys are doing way too much right now.
Oh, no, no, boy.
We could do so much more.
Give me a basketball, - because I want to dunk on you.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, this is so embarrassing.
You don't tell us how it is.
We tell you how it is, and this is how it is.
Go to the car.
And do it fast, 'cause we're in the red zone.
Hey.
All right, let's go.
Okay.
Go.
Go to the car.
Who's the parent? Yeah, okay.
It's whatever it is.
Man, I'm gonna miss that kid.
The last guy who had his job had me go out there with two different color socks.
Embarrassing.
I'm gonna miss his mama.
Why he ain't tell us she was that fine? Pssh.
Mm-hmm.
Ooh-ooh, man.
Here you go, baby.
Steak à la Earl.
Ohhh.
Mm.
Well, this is a nice change, baby.
Mm-hmm.
Should I turn on the TV? No, baby.
No, baby.
I thought we would just talk.
What, Earl? So, uh What would you say was your source of self-worth? What you talking about my worth? I mean, um Like, what things would you save if I set the house on fire? Earl Johnson, if you're losing it, I will 51-50 you so fast.
I'm just trying to peel your onion, baby.
Oh, pssh.
Wait, wait, look, look, look.
Junior told me that you asked him for some advice on how to spice up our relationship.
I'm just trying something, too.
Aww, Earl.
Look at you.
Look, we don't need no confetti cannons to keep it hot between us.
- Yeah.
- We're too sexy for that.
Damn right.
We're sexy people who do sexy things.
That's right.
We should be on a catamaran cruising the Indian Ocean, shooting fish with rifles.
Instead, we're sitting here in a guest house in boring-ass Sherman Oaks.
Well, what is keeping us here? - Nothing! - Nothing! Earl let's go on an adventure.
Ooh.
Ron and Tina? Ron and Tina Ha! Avocado! Girl, we gonna get kicked off so many cruise ships.
You know it.
All right.
Hey.
I think your little job here at the Lakers has you confused.
It is completely unacceptable for you to be unreachable.
You're not Pops.
I bet it'd be fine if I were Diane.
- What? - We're the same age, yet you treat us completely different.
That is not true.
Okay, well, while y'all figure this out, - I'm gonna go gas up the car.
- Oh.
- Okay.
- Don't worry.
I got a credit card.
Thanks.
You see that? Y'all trust her but treat me like I'm still a little kid.
No.
Those guys out there treated me like an adult for the first time of my life.
To them, I'm not the kid who got lost on Halloween or the Jack who got his head stuck in the banister or the Jack who put his clothes in the dishwasher.
I'm just Jack.
Or J-Sizzle.
That's what Dwight Howard calls me.
So they The guys kinda like you? Yeah, I'm good at my job.
Eh, maybe you're right.
Maybe us treating you like a little kid is keeping us from seeing how much you've grown up.
Yeah.
I mean, you did get this job all on your own, and it seems like you're doing doing great here, until Until we came and humiliated you.
Yeah, okay, look.
In the blink of an eye, you'll be out of the house.
Maybe we need to start treating him like that.
Thanks.
So, uh, do I still have to quit my job? Uh, well, no.
But But if you ever put your father and I on Do Not Disturb again, I will personally tell every single Laker Girl that you draw on your mustache.
Okay.
Go on.
Get up in there.
It's hard to accept your kids are growing up, but you do have a choice you can fight it or you can be proud of the adults they're becoming.
We've got to get out of here.
I just clipped Magic Johnson's golf cart.
- What'd you do? - Mm-hmm.
Nope.
I'm not saying it again.
Come on.
Oh, man.
I can't believe this! I just made my last payment! Somebody gonna pay for this.
I bet you it was that Dwight Howard.
Oh, I sure hope he likes Detroit winters, 'cause it's over for him.
Excuse me, I'm meeting someone.
Are you Don? Don Sapphire? I may be.
If you're Gina Rhinestone.
I am.
And even when the lights are off, I sparkle like a diamond.
Wait, is your name Gina Diamond? Did I mess that up? Don't think about it.
Just keep going.
Sorry, sorry.
You're right.
Uh So, I need help mining diamonds in Africa.
Mm.
This isn't working for me.
Yeah, me neither.
My grandparents are nuts.
Yeah, I didn't want to say anything.
Oh! - Oh, yeah.
This feels like us.
- Yeah.