Columbo (1971) s08e04 Episode Script
Grand Deceptions
Good morning, sir.
Morning, Corporal.
Any word on our toy soldiers? Not a one, sir.
The shop still insists they've been shipped.
The deed'll never get done with just the books.
At least I've got them sorted out.
I'll be out at the camp until noon.
After that, at the Foundation.
Let me know if the soldiers show up.
Not much of a surprise for the general, not if they don't get here by tonight.
It'll take me hours to set those things up.
The general's office is off limits until his party.
I've got it locked off, for all the good that'll do us without any soldiers.
Right, sir.
We'll keep our fingers crossed.
Oh, yes, Corporal.
Wish us both luck.
You people haven't seen much of me, but I know all about you.
I know that if you wanted to learn close-order drill you'd have joined a marching band, and not the First Foundation training battalion.
You've spent two weeks of your lives and a lot of your very good money learning to fight and kill like professionals.
Tomorrow, Sergeant Major Keegan and his trainers will send you home tough, confident and capable.
Someday your capability will be this country's first line of defense against our enemies.
Some of those enemies have seen fit to deprive us of a draft army, a trained body of citizens, ready to guard our families and our way of life.
Now, by your personal sacrifices, you have embraced that responsibility.
Tonight's maneuvers will be your last formal exercise.
After that, I expect you to live what you've learned.
General Padget is proud of you.
I'm proud of you.
Soldiers, I salute you.
How much longer are you gonna keep making that phony bugle-boy speech to the troops? Fine body of men you're turning out there.
Well, I don't like this job.
I hated dumb duty when I was in the army, and I don't like it any better now.
You never drew this kind of pay for real soldiering.
Neither did you, Frank.
Now, you don't mind me calling you Frank, do you, Colonel, huh? It's fair, Lester.
We've been around a few blocks together.
Yeah, that's true, that's true.
Now you're running this foundation here, and you're working for the old general, I'm working for you.
Only the general, he He doesn't trust you all that much anymore.
Turns out he likes me better.
Cheers.
Is that a fact, Lester? You know, the general thinks you're holding out on him, Frank.
Some operation called, uh, Special Projects Fund.
Did you ever hear of the Special Projects Fund? That's Foundation business.
It's got nothing to do with the training battalion.
Well, Frank, that's exactly what I told General Padget when he asked me to look into this for him.
But how in the hell am I going to find out anything that high and fancy, unless I talk to some of my old army brothers in the Pentagon? Which I did.
Just top-kick non-coms.
What the hell, close enough to the bone.
And you know what I found out? I have a feeling you're gonna tell me, Lester.
You're using the general's foundation to do things that they put people in jail for.
Then you're cutting out a nice slice of cash for yourself.
But, Frank, listen, I don't have the slightest intention of blabbing any of this to General Padget.
Not after what you and I have been through.
Mmm-mmm.
I appreciate that, Lester.
Oh, thanks for the use of the room.
Of course I had to do a little recon job for myself.
So I can tell you that I also know who you've been sleeping with.
Sergeant Major Keegan, you seem to have a great deal on your mind.
Well, Frank, you see, I got this idea in my head that if the Foundation's got money for you, you've got money for me.
What do you say, partner? It's the old army game, Lester.
All those black phone calls you've been making.
You call your friends, they call you.
They pump their friends, their friends call me.
And round and round it goes.
So I guess I'm about three points ahead of you on this.
As for whom I may or may not be sleeping with, I've noticed you've been following me around here and there.
Lester, you don't do that very well, so I know all about that, too.
So what are we gonna do about all this? We're gonna take care of each other, so long as neither one of us gets greedy.
Starting when? Give me a couple of days to bring you an offer.
Old battle comrades never die, they just get rich together.
No hard feelings, Frank? Life's too short.
Nobody knows that better than we do, huh? That's right.
Those were the days of Korea.
I only had one star then, and in the presence of a five-star general, one star gave you as much heft as a shavetail.
I remember the first time he cocked that pipe at me, he couldn't even remember my name.
But that's all right.
I couldn't either.
Now, I've got a lot of stars myself now, I affirm.
I've had 'em for some time.
Every once in a while, they let me dress up in my soldier's suit and try to impress somebody.
But you think-tank people are too smart for that kind of stuff.
Nowadays, I have the honor to head up your organization.
They put my name on the top of the stationary, and they call me your chairman.
You're a great bunch of folks here.
I would I only wish I had you on my staff when I was in the Army.
My beautiful wife here and I both thank you for a lovely morning.
And now, now it's time for Frank and me to get out there and dig up some more contributions to keep this place going.
God bless you all.
You made it a very pleasant morning, Frank.
You always do.
We'd still like the General to keep an office here.
I wouldn't know what to do with it.
I don't even know what's going on here.
Too many Ph.
D.
's trying to rewrite the history of the world.
Say, how is that sergeant major of yours doing? I haven't seen him for a while.
Lester Keegan? Right.
Still hammering away at the troops.
Well, I don't know about that bunch, but Keegan's a good man.
A good soldier.
We need more like him.
Oh, it almost slipped my mind again.
That Special Projects Fund of yours, Frank.
You know, I still haven't seen the report yet.
All brought up to date, sir.
I think it'll explain everything.
That's it? That's the report.
I'm grateful, Frank.
Someone promises once and doesn't deliver, well, that's a busy man.
Promises twice, he's not very efficient.
Promises three times, I know when I'm being diddled.
But here we are, after all.
I take it all back.
And now I'd like another look at that sexy computer system of yours.
There goes my Squire Toad.
Enthusiasm unbounded.
Are we gonna have the soldiers for him, Frank? Still up for grabs.
Colonel Brailie, I've got Oh, excuse me, Mrs.
Padget.
Not at all, Marcia.
I was just leaving.
I'm glad you got that report to Jack.
He was fretting about it.
I'll see you at the dinner party.
Indeed.
Bye-bye, Marcia.
Bye-bye, Mrs.
Padget.
What can I do for you, Marcia? We seem to have two Special Projects reports.
Do you want either one of them in central files? No, I'll take care of them.
Just leave them here.
You know I don't love you.
What I love is being here with you, like this.
Does that make me a bad woman? Only for a few hours, my depraved Jenny.
Hmm.
Of all the sins, Jack says betrayal is the worst.
What's your worst conceivable sin? Not getting what I want.
I meant what I said, Frank, our first time.
We'll take what we enjoy from each other, but I won't have him hurt.
Not by you, not by me, not by us.
He'll never know.
Never.
I promise.
Okay, you've had a taste.
Final exam's coming up.
Time to see what all you heroes have learned these past two weeks.
Now, you got three hours to get back to base camp in the dark, in the muck, in the woods.
And, just so you don't think those pits you see in the woods, the ones with the white lime circles around them, just so you don't think they're nifty little hiding places, every once in a while the bogeyman is gonna make them go That's mortar fire.
And you're never gonna know when it's incoming.
So I don't ever wanna catch any of your raggedy butts hanging around something that looks like a white circle.
Now, that's the menu for tonight's tea party.
So you soldiers of fortune, get some chow, get some rest, 'cause the fun and games commence at sundown.
The sexual life of the camel is stranger than anyone thinks.
He lies in the shade of the pyramids and tries to make love to the Sphinx.
But the Sphinx is only a statue beset by the sands of the Nile which accounts for the humps on the camel and the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.
All right, Mr.
Martinson, it's your turn on stage.
Oh, well Well, in this glittering company all Peggy and I have to offer is a little contribution to help celebrate the general's birthday.
Well, we don't wear uniforms, but we do like to think of ourselves as patriots.
So keep up the good work there, Jack, and you, too, Frank, and damnation to our enemies.
Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.
Jenny, our good friends seem to have made this out to the First Foundation.
Now, I'm not going to tell you people how much this is for, but I think I've counted pretty close to six zeroes.
Come on.
Come here! Jenny, I got 'em.
The toy soldiers? Just delivered.
What a shame, Frank.
You won't have time.
Let me try.
Two hours, then bring everybody up to the pool house.
If I haven't got everything set up, at least we'll have something to show off.
Jennifer? Where's Jennifer? Jennifer! There you are.
Now, tell me, what's all this about? More birthday surprises.
Oh, my.
Anybody out yet? Nah.
They're falling over their own feet in there.
Throw me that checklist.
Count 'em right, Sidney.
Everybody checked out before you start the light show.
I'll take care of the hookups.
Keegan to Winnik.
I'm out of here.
Frank? Frank? Frank? Happy birthday, Jack.
Happy birthday! I'll be damned.
Gettysburg.
Cemetery Ridge.
Pickett's Charge.
Love from Jenny.
Indeed.
It's a marvel.
You're a marvel.
The books go with it, Jack.
All the Civil War battles you'd ever want to fight.
All on a nice, clean sand table.
Not so clean that day.
No, not when the dying began.
Flesh and bone and heartbreak.
Listen up! We're all out of the woods, and count yourselves lucky.
You were still in there.
The enemy had his artillery ranged and ready.
So that's where you begin to die, like this.
Look at that.
I think we just lost one of our men.
My name is Brailie.
Well, my pleasure, sir.
Colonel Brailie.
You're from the Foundation.
That's right.
Lieutenant Columbo.
Police.
A lieutenant.
We seem to be fellow officers, Lieutenant.
You know the responsibility of leading your men.
Well, mostly the men I lead, that'd just be me, sir.
I see.
Still, you can understand an officer's concern when he's lost someone under his command.
Is there any way I can assist you here? Well, thank you very much, sir.
The training battalion, all the military uniforms and military ranks, it was very confusing to understand that all this is really just a school for civilians.
But we seem to have that under control now, sir.
Then what are all these people searching for? Search and look, look and search for whatever might explain the circumstances.
They expect us to do that in homicide.
Homicide? I was told it was an accident.
Well, there is one question.
About the exercises last night.
Now, I understand that Mr.
Keegan set those switches over there, and then he radioed May I ask, sir, were you watching the exercises? No, I'm afraid I was at a dinner party for General Padget.
Right.
General Jack Padget? That General Padget? That General Padget.
That would be like having dinner with history, sir, wouldn't it? He's the honorary chairman of our foundation.
You were about to ask me a question, Lieutenant.
A question? Right.
Mr.
Keegan, yes.
Mr.
Keegan set those switches for what they call a light show.
He radioed Sergeant Winnik that he was leaving.
But it was an hour later, when Sergeant Winnik fired off the explosives that killed him.
What was he still doing here? Can you help me with that, Colonel Brailie? I've been wondering about that myself.
Obviously something brought him back here.
But why to this particular spot, when he knew it was so dangerous? What am I gonna say in my report? That he was checking a wiring connection, or searching for something, or someone.
Even the best of trained men grow careless.
While I played with toy soldiers.
Toy soldiers, sir? I was setting up a gift for the General.
I'm gonna give you four final words, Lieutenant.
Chest burned and excavated.
Now, you need me for anything else? That's it.
Thanks, Clarence.
I'll send the attendants.
We served together.
Little wars in secret places.
I brought him out of the army into the training battalion.
All that combat, to die on a night exercise.
Well, we're just gonna have to call it an accident, sir, and let it go at that.
I have arrangements to make, Lieutenant, if you'll forgive me.
Right, sir.
You just run along, and we'll call you if we need anything.
I'm very sorry.
Thank you.
Lieutenant! We found it, sir! Hey, Jackson, over here.
They got it, they got it.
Check it out.
Right there, at the bottom of the slope.
Right there, Lieutenant.
Very good, Sergeant.
Eddie, gonna need some photographs.
This object that I have in my hand is a flashlight, is that right? Yes, sir.
You all see that? Yes, sir.
Battalion's closed down until we find out why this accident happened.
Last night we lost a comrade.
All of you have served in the regular forces.
Some of you have seen violent death before.
That's the profession we picked.
We're soldiers, so make the best of it.
That's all.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
That'd be my mess.
I must have tracked it in here when I came back to clean up.
Well, that's all right, Lieutenant.
Lester kept this place like he was still a recruit.
We wouldn't want to desecrate it now.
Well, I apologize, Colonel.
Here, let me take that.
This camp.
I never saw so much mud.
I counted seven different type muds.
You can't imagine how many different kinds of mud.
That's what a detective has to be interested in.
Green mud and black mud, wet mud and dry mud, old mud and new mud.
I bring the samples home.
My wife, that's Mrs.
Columbo, she won't even let me bring it in the house.
That woman, she keeps her house like Sergeant Major Keegan.
There.
Now, that mud That's the mud from where the victim was killed.
In the accident.
You're very thorough, Lieutenant.
I don't think I'd like you on my trail.
Oh, if that were the case, sir, I'd have to ask you what you were doing here in the victim's quarters.
And I'd tell you it was to say a kind of last farewell.
Of course, sir.
And clean up the mud.
And that, too.
Colonel.
Lieutenant Columbo.
Yes, Sergeant? I've got the men here, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant.
I'll send them in one at a time.
I wanted to talk to some of the men, sir, just to get a feel of the place.
Go to it, Lieutenant.
Please, call me at the Foundation if there's anything I can do for you.
Here I be.
You wanted to know about the training battalion? I want to know about you, sir, and why you came here.
To get ready for the time of anarchy.
Time of anarchy? When the element tries to take over.
The element, sir? Now, maybe you don't care, but they ain't gettin' me, and they ain't gettin' mine! Right.
Training up to be a mercenary, sir.
In two weeks? That's what the article said in the magazine.
Best camp I've ever been to, sir.
You mean you've been to these places before? Little bit, sir.
Taylor Point, South Carolina, Westerville, Arizona, Squeaks Ridge, Pennsylvania, Centerburg, North Dakota, High Bluff, Nevada, Tannerstown, Oklahoma, Forge Bend, Kentucky.
Then last year, sir, I got into Blast Cap, Georgia, Deal, Montana, Murphytown I'm sorry, Lieutenant.
Colonel Brailie's busy for a few minutes.
He'll get to you as soon as he can.
That's quite all right, ma'am.
Thank you very much.
The Foundation, ma'am, what is it people do here? We're what they call a think tank, Lieutenant.
Oh, a think tank.
This is a think tank.
That's what it is.
Thank you.
What do they think about? Our country's problems, Lieutenant.
I'm sure Colonel Brailie will explain it to you.
Right.
Thank you, ma'am.
Yes? What is it? Sorry.
Wrong door.
Excuse me.
Having a look around, Lieutenant? Sorry to keep you waiting.
Not at all, sir.
This is a very interesting place.
Well, come on.
See what else might be interesting.
Oh, Marcia, please remind Professor Galt I'll need to see the Dalai Lama before my trip to Tibet.
Yes, Colonel.
Carl Peterson just called from Mali.
Get him back.
And ring through.
No other calls.
Come in, Lieutenant.
Well, this is certainly a most interesting office.
And your work, it sounds very intriguing, sir.
Visiting Tibet, and phone calls from Mali.
That's in Africa, isn't it, sir? It is, Lieutenant.
You'll find it right here.
Oh, yeah, Mali.
It's a very uncertain world, Lieutenant.
Things happen unexpectedly, and even randomly.
Our policies have to expect the unexpected.
That's the sort of thing we think about here at the Foundation.
You mean, the best plans, sir, sometimes go all wrong? Well, not the very best plans.
Here we try to design perfect plans.
Feel free to look around, Lieutenant.
Yes? Put him through.
Hello, Carl.
Did you see the tanks yourself? Well, find them and count them.
I'm not interested in the CIA report.
Take care of yourself.
Well, what have you found there, Lieutenant? Is this what I think it is? What do you think it is? Well, it looks like a human head all shrunken.
It is indeed a shrunken human head from the Jivaro Indians of Ecuador.
He was a soldier killed in battle.
Otherwise his head wouldn't have been all shrunken.
I keep it as a soldier's warning.
A single misstep in the face of my enemy, and I might end up like our unfortunate friend here.
Right, sir.
I guess we can say this fella, he's a lesson to all of us.
Now, Lieutenant, how can I help you? Did you talk to our trainees? I did, sir, and I must say I'm puzzled.
What puzzles you? The kind of people they were.
They just don't seem to go with all of this.
The Foundation and the training battalion, they're very different, aren't they, sir? Different, indeed.
Sophisticated scholars and roughneck romantics.
Some of our people here call the training operation our bargain-basement boutique.
Still, the fees help finance our Foundation work.
For the rest of it, we depend on donations.
Is there something here you want to show me? Oh, yes.
Well, it's really just a question, Colonel Brailie.
Mr.
Keegan, the victim, was he unhappy with his work out there at the camp? Well, not that I know of.
He never complained.
Why do you ask? It's these pieces of paper, sir.
I found them in Mr.
Keegan's desk.
An unexplained accident, sir.
We're supposed to look around like that.
Yes, I'm sure you are.
They're all from the want-ads sections of the newspapers.
Help wanted.
All help-wanted ads.
Like Mr.
Keegan was thinking of changing jobs.
All different jobs.
"Limousine drivers wanted.
" "Employment opportunities in Saudi Arabia.
" "Gun shop needs expert clerk.
" "Careers in security services.
" Odd jobs like that.
And the dates.
Here, sir.
The dates are all in sequence.
Like Mr.
Keegan was looking every single day until last Monday.
Then it stopped.
No more ads.
You see, sir? Do you see how the dates run out? Mmm-hmm.
I see, Lieutenant.
What's your point? Well, here's a man, he's looking in the newspapers for a new job.
He's looking every day.
He's looking and marking the ads.
Then six days ago, everything changes.
He stops looking.
No more ads.
I gotta ask myself, what happened last Monday? What changed in Mr.
Keegan's life last Monday? Can you think of anything, sir? I can't imagine, Lieutenant.
I only visited the camp when new classes began and ended.
Do you think he could have found a new job? I can't conceive Lester even looking for another job.
Well, we can't read the man's mind, can we, sir? All right.
Well, thank you very much for your help.
I'll just be running along.
He never talked to you about a raise, money, anything like that? Nothing like that.
Lester was perfectly happy with his life when I saw him yesterday morning.
What could this possibly have to do with his accident? Exactly, sir.
That's my point.
Here we have an accident on our hands.
My report is gonna call this an accident.
And there we go, we're complicating it with a lot of questions.
The paperwork, it's gonna go on forever, unless we just learn to forget about these little questions.
All right, sir.
Well, thank you again.
Good day, Lieutenant.
Good day, sir.
Those sticks, sir.
Excuse me? These sticks.
Those people sitting on the floor in that room down there, they were shaking sticks just like these.
Yes, they're I Ching sticks.
An ancient Chinese way of divining the future.
You mean, people use these for fortune telling? Well, it's all rather mystical.
One shakes the container like this, and eventually, one of them falls out like this.
See, and each stick has its own unique markings.
These lines here.
You look up the meaning in the I Ching book.
You know, what the future holds, how to deal with your life, what decisions to make.
All from just this stick? All from that stick.
Of course, it all depends on some pretty hazy interpretation.
We do these studies to try to understand the processes of Chinese decision-making.
For instance, I happen to know that this is the Ming Yi symbol.
What would that mean, sir? Well, it could mean, among other things, that a woman is sitting on a well, and that's been interpreted as a warning against a trap.
Right.
A woman on a well.
That's a trap.
I can see that.
I'm gonna tell that one to Mrs.
Columbo.
Well, you've been very kind, Colonel, and I won't intrude any longer.
Not at all.
And we both better guard ourselves against traps, sir, or we're liable to lose our heads.
Bye again.
One more thing, sir.
I'll show you how I find these little problems that I really shouldn't even be looking for.
I put it here somewhere.
I know I got it.
Well, it seems like I don't have it.
Oh, no, here it is.
Over here by the light, sir.
You see this, Colonel Brailie? Yes.
It looks like dirt, Lieutenant.
Lots of dirt, bits of leaves, little twigs.
Found jammed up under Mr.
Keegan's collar.
Lots of dirt, bits of leaves And twigs.
Little twigs.
What do you think of that, sir? Obviously blown under his collar by the explosion.
But when the explosion went off, he was lying face down.
His chest was all blown in.
Excuse me for saying that.
So how could all this dirt get back here, underneath his collar? What do you make of it, Lieutenant? Well, it's like the victim was being dragged through the dirt on his back.
Like somebody was dragging Mr.
Keegan by his arms, and his collar was scooping up all the dirt.
You see how that can confuse my accident report? Yes, you have my sympathies.
Still, I can tell you from battlefield experience, an explosion can produce random results.
I think the explosion would account for the dirt.
Then that's what I'm gonna say in my report.
Explosion, random results.
This is gonna be very helpful.
Colonel Brailie, General Padget's on the phone.
I'll take it at my desk.
Goodbye, Lieutenant.
He wants to talk to Lieutenant Columbo.
Talk to me? General Padget? General Padget on the line.
General Padget.
Sir.
Okay, I'm gonna put you in charge.
You take care of the car.
You're a responsible dog.
When I get back, if the car's okay, I'll give you another cookie.
If the car's gone, I give you another cookie anyway, 'cause I love you.
# With a knick-knack paddywhack # Give a dog a bone # Excuse me, ma'am.
Lieutenant Columbo.
The General's expecting me.
Yes, of course.
I'm Jenny Padget.
Is that your car, Lieutenant? Yes, ma'am.
Afraid it needs a wash now.
I had one like that once, a long, long time ago.
Well, you should've held onto it, ma'am.
That car, that's a collector's item now.
Lovely thing, isn't it? Yes.
Lovely, indeed.
Please, come in.
My husband's back in the pool house.
Come in.
Excuse me, sir.
Columbo? Right.
Padget.
Well, come on in.
I'm not gonna go all the way over there.
Well, what do you think of this? A birthday present.
You know what all this is, Lieutenant? Could this be Gettysburg? Cemetery Ridge? What do you know about Cemetery Ridge? Well, it's not me so much as my nephew.
He belongs to one of those groups that get together to fight all the battles from the Civil War books.
This is certainly some beauty.
Pickett's Charge.
On orders from General Longstreet.
Half a day late and the battle is lost.
Longstreet's fatal flaw.
Well, the fatal flaw, sir, I always thought it was shoes.
Excuse me? There was a shoe factory in Gettysburg.
If General Lee hadn't needed shoes for his men, there may never have been a Battle of Gettysburg.
Well, I'll be damned.
You're a good man, Lieutenant.
You know things.
A pleasure to meet you.
And it's a real privilege to meet you, sir, and to see how you set this table up.
Oh, I didn't set it up.
Frank Brailie did that last night.
Those are the books, sir? Lincoln and His Generals.
Bluebellies and Johnny Reb.
That's the one.
That's the great one.
That's a classic.
The Gray Runs Red.
This is some collection.
A gift from my wife.
The whole thing was a gift from Jenny.
Look at this.
A Union soldier.
He retreated too far.
Where are we gonna put him? How about with the artillery, over here on Little Round Top? Why don't we help out General Hancock? You put it here.
Well, sir, you're the general.
There.
But I don't think that you invited me over here to help fight the Civil War.
You're right.
We lost a good man last night.
A stupid accident.
He was on my own payroll, so to speak.
You wanna know the truth? I don't know beans about our accounting.
I told that to Sergeant Major Keegan a few days ago.
He was standing right where you're standing.
Would that have been on Monday, sir? Well, as a matter of fact, it was.
Well, in that case, sir, I'll ask you what you and Mr.
Keegan talked about on Monday.
Lieutenant, I'm going to trust you.
I asked him to be my eyes and my ears, do me a little favor.
I might not know too much about accounting, but I do know millions of Foundation dollars have dribbled down into some rat hole called Special Projects Fund.
Now, Frank Brailie finally gave me that report on the Special Projects Fund yesterday.
Been after him for weeks.
It was like pulling teeth.
Not the way Colonel Brailie usually does things.
Anyway, last Monday, I asked Sergeant Major Keegan to look into all of that for me, to find out what was going on.
Good man.
He knows his business, just like I think you know your business.
Well, I never heard from him again.
A real tragedy.
Got the report here, anyway, for what it's worth.
Does that answer your question about what happened last Monday? In a manner of speaking, sir.
May I ask you, what exactly is the Special Projects Fund? Well, it's a catchall for everything that isn't nailed down.
Our own intelligence operations around the world, special grants abroad, anything that's around, according to this report.
Now, I'm going to ask you a favor, Lieutenant.
You're looking around about the camp.
Keegan's life, Keegan's effects.
You find any odds and ends about the Special Projects report, you keep me informed.
You think you can do that for me? Anything I can do for General Jack Padget, that would be my own personal pleasure.
Why don't we stop this mutual buttering-up and see if we can't help each other? Okay? Good.
Before you go, I want you to stick this in your pocket.
It's your soldier.
You found it.
Here.
Give you an excuse to come back again.
If you don't, I'll claim you stole it.
Right, sir.
And I certainly will be back.
You can count on that, sir.
Lieutenant? I was picking up my cleaning.
They gave me Sergeant Major Keegan's stuff.
I didn't know what to do with it.
I'll take it for you.
Sergeant, do you like your work here? It's a job.
Sergeant Major Keegan, did he like his work here? He never said.
Good night, Sergeant.
Good night, Lieutenant.
Colonel Brailie.
Well, this is some surprise, sir.
I was looking for a Mr.
Dunstan.
A Mr.
L.
Dunstan, apartment 2A.
Yes, Lieutenant, this is indeed apartment 2A.
Is there something I can do for you? Careful, sir.
You almost spilt that.
I promise, it'll only take a minute.
What a remarkable coincidence.
Would you be visiting Mr.
Dunstan? Would it astonish you to learn that Mr.
Dunstan, Mr.
L.
Dunstan, and myself are exactly the same person? That's you, sir? You're Mr.
Dunstan? I don't mean to be inhospitable, Lieutenant, but I'm expecting a guest at any moment.
Of course, sir.
I should have known.
The wine and the music.
I'd have to say a lady.
Exactly.
Now, if you'll excuse me A private place for romantic meetings.
That's why Mr.
Dunstan keeps this apartment.
You have my confession.
Well, I certainly understand, Colonel.
Except, I must admit I'm a bit confused.
I thought somewhere Bear with me, sir.
Right.
Here it is.
Don't you have a lovely home in Sherman Oaks, sir? Lieutenant, we all know there are moments when it's more discreet not to be at home.
Ah, right, Colonel, more discreet.
Well, that certainly explains that.
But then, you're not a married man, are you, sir? Why would you worry about being discreet? No, I'm not married, but the lady Ah, of course.
It's really none of my business.
And she'll be along any minute.
I know exactly what you're thinking, sir.
You're wondering why I came looking for Mr.
Dunstan in the first place.
Just too polite to ask.
It's the victim, sir, Mr.
Keegan.
Here, I'll show you.
I found Mr.
Dunstan's name and address in Mr.
Keegan's Oh, here it is.
Yes, in Mr.
Keegan's quarters.
Did you know that Mr.
Keegan knew about this apartment? No, as a matter of fact I didn't know.
Lieutenant, I don't mean to rush you.
You didn't know and he knew? Well, how did he find out? Sir, do you think he could have been following you? I can't imagine that Lester would be following me.
Lieutenant, don't you think that you're intruding a little more deeply on my personal life than the situation warrants? Well, sir, we hate to intrude like this, but now we have to consider Mr.
Keegan's flashlight.
His flashlight? His flashlight, sir.
The night Mr.
Keegan died.
Do you see the problem? To the window.
You see where we found the flashlight? Underneath this lip of rock, sir, like an anvil hanging over the flashlight.
Now, how did the flashlight end up under that rock like that? The explosion Uh, we'll see if I can make this clear, sir.
This is the explosive pit.
Now, the explosion couldn't have blown it over here.
This is the rock, sir.
And this is the lip.
How did the flashlight end up here underneath the lip? How did it get there? Your point seems a bit strained, Lieutenant.
Well, sir, flashlights, they don't go flying around all by themselves.
Not dirt and leaves under Mr.
Keegan's collar, and not flashlights.
That's why we did a second autopsy.
Lieutenant, you seemed quite certain all of this was an accident.
Well, sir, nobody wanted it to be an accident more than me.
Murder? You wouldn't even want to think about the amount of paperwork for murder.
Murder? Well, it certainly was a murder, sir.
The second autopsy.
We found a knife wound in Mr.
Keegan's heart where he was stabbed.
I'm sorry, sir.
We have to face that now.
I see.
It all seems so inconceivable.
Poor Lester stabbed to death while I enjoyed myself with the General.
So many violent men in the camp that night.
Well, we'll just have to leave all these things in your capable hands, Lieutenant.
Good luck with your paperwork.
We'll just have to manage, sir.
I'm sure you have a lot of other things to think about.
Oh, Colonel, would you mind if I used your washroom? Lieutenant, I do have an engagement.
I'll just be a minute, sir.
Is there anything else I can do for you, Lieutenant? No.
No, sir.
I can't think of a thing.
No, I'll be running along.
We'll be talking again soon, Colonel.
I'm sure we will.
Try and have a pleasant afternoon.
Right then it was touch and go.
Colonel Brailie would have settled for the soldiers without the books.
But the books without the soldiers? There goes the big surprise.
Well, it sounds like a remarkable evening.
And this is certainly a remarkable sherry.
The General's best, sir.
Lieutenant Columbo? Ma'am.
I see Warren's been taking care of you.
He's been telling me stories, ma'am.
Come and join me over here.
May I pour you a cup of tea, Lieutenant? Well, if it's all the same, Mrs.
Padget, I'll just enjoy my sherry.
Please do.
I'll only take up a minute of your time, ma'am, on my way to visit your husband.
Well, this is very nice.
When a policeman comes calling, I'm sure it can't be all that nice.
Mr.
Keegan's accident, the Sergeant Major, he was murdered, ma'am.
We know that now for a fact.
That's a very brutal fact, Lieutenant.
This sherry is delicious, ma'am.
Even the glass is beautiful.
You see the glass, the four frosted stars? It's like all that crystal over there in that cabinet, for a four-star general.
They were a gift from the Army.
I saw a glass like this earlier today, Mrs.
Padget, in an apartment kept by Frank Brailie, for what you might call intimate occasions.
With a woman.
He was expecting her.
A married woman.
Am I to understand that you're implying some insulting connection between me and a wine glass and some love nest of Frank Brailie's? Well, four stars, that's very unusual, ma'am.
Like You'll forgive me.
Like special wine glasses that a woman brings to a furnished apartment.
You'll forgive me, Lieutenant.
On any number of occasions Frank Brailie could have taken those glasses from my home.
He could have borrowed them, stolen them, treated them as a gift.
I have no intention of continuing this offensive inquisition.
Don't make me stop you, ma'am.
If you'll look at this, please.
It's one of those traveling toothbrushes from Mr.
Brailie's bathroom in the apartment.
And the fingerprints, Mrs.
Padget Everybody's fingerprints are on file, most everybody.
Would you want me to say whose fingerprints we found on this? No.
That won't be necessary.
Why, in the name of God, are you doing this? I'm sorry, ma'am.
There'll just be a few more questions.
Were you aware that Mr.
Keegan knew about the secret apartment? No.
Nobody knew.
Mr.
Keegan knew.
And now he's dead.
What I need, ma'am Was there anything else, any other kind of secret he might have known? Maybe about the Foundation? The Special Projects report? Anything you could help me with.
No.
My husband was interested in the Special Projects report.
That's all I know.
Well, that's it then, ma'am.
I'll just take this way to the pool house.
Lieutenant.
When you speak with my husband, will you find it necessary to mention any of this? No, ma'am.
Good night, ma'am.
Lieutenant Columbo, sir.
Come on in.
Lieutenant.
I'll be with you in a moment.
You just carry on, sir.
The French have a saying, Lieutenant.
"The older you get, the worse things are.
" Self-pitying nonsense.
But at my age, I find myself writing too many letters of condolences to the bereaved widows of clam-brained generals I never cared for in the first place.
I suppose that makes me a hypocrite.
That's another word for good manners.
What news have you brought me? Well, it's about Mr.
Keegan, sir.
Anything about the Special Projects report? No, nothing like that, General.
No sign of anything like that.
But that brings up the subject of your own feelings, sir, your interest in this report.
A place like the Foundation.
There must be plenty of reports you never get to read.
Maybe you can tell me what's so special about the Special Projects report.
And if I choose not to answer your question? Well, sir, it's a policeman's question.
We expect to get our answers.
The Special Projects Fund is discretionary, and I wasn't aware of that until recently.
When you deal with other people's discretion, that leaves a hole for the devil to pop up.
And I think perhaps he's already poked his nose out.
Do you mind if I took a look at this, sir? Well, it's hardly necessary for an accident investigation.
Well, General, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but it's not an accident anymore.
Your friend Mr.
Keegan We now know that Mr.
Keegan was murdered.
Murdered? A murder.
That's a completely different kind of investigation.
And there'll be more questions.
I don't know why you're telling me these things.
That's police business.
All police business.
I can't help you.
There's nothing I can do.
It's terrible.
Terrible.
I understand, sir.
We'll talk another time.
Yes, yes, please.
Good night, General.
Who is it? Who's there? Jack? Oh, Jenny, good.
I want to talk to you.
I want to talk to you, too.
I saw Lieutenant Columbo.
He told you about all this awful murder business? Yes.
And some other things from his investigation.
The things we have to talk about.
This is of no concern Please, Jack, don't look at me.
Not yet.
Lieutenant Columbo knows what I have to tell you now about someone in my life.
A relationship I swore you'd never know about.
A man I could never care for the way we care for each other.
Jenny, you're a young woman.
Strong, lovely, full of needs that I can't provide for you.
Do you really believe that I haven't made any allowances for that? I never wanted to hurt you, Jack.
Shh.
You've been the most loving companion that I ever could have been blessed with.
And for the rest of it, I want to thank you for your discretion.
And now if you need to tell me who, when, where, I beg of you.
Don't.
With all my heart, don't.
Please, Jenny, I couldn't bear it.
You the investigating officer? Yes, sir.
Lieutenant Columbo.
Marty Tanzer.
Just want to wish you the best of luck.
You're the only one here who wished me good luck, sir.
Any particular reason? Keegan was an old friend.
May I ask when you saw him last? Seven years ago.
Since I've been in Washington.
Seven years.
Well, thank you very much, Sergeant.
Seven years, except for the phone calls.
Any recent calls? The last one on the morning of the day he died.
Phone calls about what, Sergeant? I can't say.
You can't say? Classified.
Mr.
Keegan told you something classified? I told him.
Military intelligence.
Right.
Military intelligence.
Can you tell me? Can't.
The police.
I'm the police.
You can tell the police.
I can't talk about it.
If you ever see your way clear to talk about it, give me a call.
How about now? I've got them in my hand, Colonel.
Yes, sir.
In the shredder.
Okay, and I'll give the lieutenant your message.
I'm sorry, Lieutenant.
Colonel Brailie won't be available for the rest of the day.
Ah.
Well, that's too bad, ma'am.
These fortunetelling sticks.
I gotta have a lot of help.
This one here, ma'am.
This is either a Wei, which means a father is having trouble with his son, or it's a Kun, which means a young fox just crossed the river.
I'm not too sure about the Kun part.
And then there's all this about Yin Yang.
What's a Yin Yang? No, it's yin and yang, Lieutenant.
I think it's the tension between opposites.
Like black and white, light and dark.
Sweet and sour.
Hot and Is this a Special Projects report, Lieutenant? Yes, ma'am.
I'm reading that.
Did that come from Colonel Brailie? Oh, yes, yes.
Definitely from Colonel Brailie.
Did he give you the old report or the new report? Well, that's hard to say, ma'am.
What do you think? Well, the old report was in the red holder.
So the red letters on the gray cover must be the old report.
Unless it was the gray cover in the green holder.
That would have to be the new report.
Or maybe it was vice versa.
Unless it was the other way around, in which case, this would go here.
Well, this is the red cover in the red holder, ma'am.
Otherwise, it'd be opposite, like yin and yang.
Please, Lieutenant, don't get me confused.
Now, let me have the red holder.
You're not supposed to have the red holder, anyway.
The gray cover with the red letters goes with the new report in the green holder, and that's in here.
If the green holder had a report with a green cover, we'd know exactly where we are.
I think.
So this report also goes with the green holder.
Now, the red holder has the red cover with the black letters in Lieutenant.
Lieutenant? Lieutenant? Good evening, Colonel.
The general will be pleased to see you.
Is he in the pool house? No, sir.
I'll tell him that you're here.
Thank you for coming.
My pleasure, sir.
You got the wrong report.
This is the one you weren't supposed to see.
Is that all you can say? We try to protect you from these things, Jack.
Your Special Projects? Here and there.
Africa.
Illegal gun running! Foundation funds.
Arms transfers.
That's what our beloved sponsors really hope they're buying.
Just a little blood.
Don't you know that? Secret little excursions beyond the law.
Secret guns for secret friends, in the interest of our country.
You thieving bastard! Spinning your foreign bank accounts.
A dollar for guns, a dollar for you, all wrapped up in the Foundation flag! A thing like that, Jack, if it ever comes out, even General Padget could get chewed up in the machine.
A co-conspirator or an inept fool.
Any preference? Just one.
To see you in prison.
Any price, any cost.
You go to hell.
General, you'll do what you have to do.
In the end you'll beg me to take back that report.
For Jenny's sake.
Jenny? Do you really want me to admit how many times she's made love to me? How many afternoons in our own apartment? In our own bed? The devil's in the details, Jack.
Shocked people love shocking details.
What we said to each other, what we did for each other.
If you open up the Special Projects Fund, well, that doesn't give me much to lose.
What you lose, what Jenny loses Well, that's up to you, sir, isn't it? Jack.
Advise him, Jenny.
I think you would want this back.
Don't! Whatever he says.
I won't have any further need for it.
And copies, sir? Lieutenant Columbo's copy is on my desk.
Thank you for understanding.
Perhaps you'd be good enough to fix me a cup of chocolate.
You know how I like it.
Colonel Brailie.
I was hoping we'd run into each other again, and here you are, sir.
I see you've found the I Ching stick.
Is that the Kui symbol, sir? Yes, Lieutenant, it appears to be a Kui.
Well, the I Ching book, it was very baffling about the Kui.
Something about a culprit who walks on his toes because the police are looking for him.
Why would he walk on his toes? Why would the police be looking for him? I think it's a kind of warning.
Like the shrunken head, sir.
Yes, Lieutenant, much like a shrunken head.
Well, I'll certainly bear that in mind.
I'm sure this is what you came here for, Colonel.
Your Special Projects report.
And I know that you're anxious to be on your way, so good night, sir.
Good night, Lieutenant.
All the things in that report, the arms and all, and the foreign bank accounts, Mr.
Keegan, he never saw the report, but he did know about those things, sir.
Do you think that's why he was murdered? What do you think, Lieutenant? Well, sir, the way I see it, there's Mr.
Keegan getting telephone calls from an intelligence friend in Washington about the Foundation, and about the guns to Africa.
And Mr.
Keegan, he needs a new job, and I have to consider that maybe Mr.
Keegan The best job he could find would be in the blackmail business.
Somebody at the Foundation.
And the blackmail, that would be the motive for the murder.
Would you agree with me on that one, sir? A possibility.
Unless you're implying I was the target of Keegan's blackmail.
Oh, no, sir.
I'm implying more than that.
I'm implying that you murdered the man.
Then I'd better walk on my toes, Lieutenant.
I was here when Lester was murdered, remember? I spent the evening setting up all this.
Hardly a trifle.
Oh, I can see that, sir.
Hours of work.
And right there.
That's where you got me beat.
Your alibi, sir.
It's a perfect alibi.
How can I even begin to make a case with an alibi like that? I'm glad you agree.
You know, Colonel, the way we always agree with one another, that's amazing, considering the fact that we really don't like one another.
Would you agree with me on that? I think I'd have to agree.
You see? We agree again.
What would you say about this, sir? I'd say it looks like a toy soldier.
I found him.
You want to know where? If you like.
Right here, sir, is where I found him.
The day after the murder.
Behind the Civil War books, by this bookend.
Do you see where I found him, sir? Yes, Lieutenant.
I see exactly.
Well, that's very confusing.
That's puzzling, sir.
Right away, I don't know what to make of it.
According to the General's orderly, the carton of books came in the morning, and the soldiers were delivered at night.
Am I right? Right you are, Lieutenant.
Then if the books came first, how did the soldier end up behind the books? Ah, I sense a trap.
Maybe a woman sitting on a well, sir.
Lieutenant, I used this shelf to group my soldiers.
I didn't put the books there until all this was done.
One errant soldier got left behind.
This one.
Well, that would explain him, sir.
But then there's all these books.
You see? All these Civil War books that you ordered for the General.
I'm perfectly aware of the Civil War books, Lieutenant.
Do you plan to borrow them? No, no, no, sir.
No, nothing like that.
Would you give me a hand, sir? Since you insist.
The books in the box.
Well, there it is again, sir.
Interesting.
You see how interesting that is, sir? The books? And the carton.
It won't close.
There's too many books for the carton.
Well, obviously there's a proper way to pack the books.
Well, sir, no matter how many times I tried to pack 'em, it always came out the same.
That's because that box That's a two-cubic-foot box.
I measured that.
And the books, I measured those at 2.
9 cubic feet.
You see that, Colonel Brailie? How could they fit into a two-cubic-foot box? Well, they can't.
I don't care how you figure it.
Metric, liters, kilograms, whatever.
But that box This carton marked "Military Miniatures," that'd be toy soldiers, sir.
Don't patronize me, Lieutenant.
This box, sir, this is a 3.
1- cubic-foot box.
You see that? It says it right there, sir.
And the MacAdam booksellers, they sent me another complete set of books, just like those in that box there.
Exactly the same.
And there they are.
But the books, they can't fit in this box, sir.
That's a scientific fact.
And from this scientific fact, you deduce Well, I would have to say, sir, that the books The night Mr.
Keegan was murdered, the books were delivered here in the evening in that box marked "soldiers", and this box, the one marked "books", the box you opened in the morning, sir? I'd say this box had to have the soldiers.
So that you could set them all up here ahead of time, for the charge up Cemetery Hill.
And that evening you went to the training camp, and you murdered Mr.
Keegan without an alibi, Colonel.
You murdered him with no alibi at all, unless the jurors manage to pack all those books in that box.
Do you think they could ever do that, sir? I expect they'll have difficulty, Lieutenant.
I seem to have misjudged myself.
And you.
I'm curious.
When did you suspect me? Well, as long as you ask, sir, that first day in Mr.
Keegan's quarters, when I found you scrubbing my mud off the floor, I thought that was peculiar for someone as arrogant as you are, if you'll excuse me, sir.
Oh, there's still one more thing.
Our lost soldier.
Where do you think we should put him? It hardly makes any difference to the battle, Lieutenant.
It already seems to be lost.
Well, sir, this one's on the side that won.
Did I read your rights, Colonel? I think I forgot to read your rights.
I have the card somewhere.
I know it's here.
In this pocket.
No, the other pocket.
Gee, maybe I forgot to bring it again.
No, here it is.
Morning, Corporal.
Any word on our toy soldiers? Not a one, sir.
The shop still insists they've been shipped.
The deed'll never get done with just the books.
At least I've got them sorted out.
I'll be out at the camp until noon.
After that, at the Foundation.
Let me know if the soldiers show up.
Not much of a surprise for the general, not if they don't get here by tonight.
It'll take me hours to set those things up.
The general's office is off limits until his party.
I've got it locked off, for all the good that'll do us without any soldiers.
Right, sir.
We'll keep our fingers crossed.
Oh, yes, Corporal.
Wish us both luck.
You people haven't seen much of me, but I know all about you.
I know that if you wanted to learn close-order drill you'd have joined a marching band, and not the First Foundation training battalion.
You've spent two weeks of your lives and a lot of your very good money learning to fight and kill like professionals.
Tomorrow, Sergeant Major Keegan and his trainers will send you home tough, confident and capable.
Someday your capability will be this country's first line of defense against our enemies.
Some of those enemies have seen fit to deprive us of a draft army, a trained body of citizens, ready to guard our families and our way of life.
Now, by your personal sacrifices, you have embraced that responsibility.
Tonight's maneuvers will be your last formal exercise.
After that, I expect you to live what you've learned.
General Padget is proud of you.
I'm proud of you.
Soldiers, I salute you.
How much longer are you gonna keep making that phony bugle-boy speech to the troops? Fine body of men you're turning out there.
Well, I don't like this job.
I hated dumb duty when I was in the army, and I don't like it any better now.
You never drew this kind of pay for real soldiering.
Neither did you, Frank.
Now, you don't mind me calling you Frank, do you, Colonel, huh? It's fair, Lester.
We've been around a few blocks together.
Yeah, that's true, that's true.
Now you're running this foundation here, and you're working for the old general, I'm working for you.
Only the general, he He doesn't trust you all that much anymore.
Turns out he likes me better.
Cheers.
Is that a fact, Lester? You know, the general thinks you're holding out on him, Frank.
Some operation called, uh, Special Projects Fund.
Did you ever hear of the Special Projects Fund? That's Foundation business.
It's got nothing to do with the training battalion.
Well, Frank, that's exactly what I told General Padget when he asked me to look into this for him.
But how in the hell am I going to find out anything that high and fancy, unless I talk to some of my old army brothers in the Pentagon? Which I did.
Just top-kick non-coms.
What the hell, close enough to the bone.
And you know what I found out? I have a feeling you're gonna tell me, Lester.
You're using the general's foundation to do things that they put people in jail for.
Then you're cutting out a nice slice of cash for yourself.
But, Frank, listen, I don't have the slightest intention of blabbing any of this to General Padget.
Not after what you and I have been through.
Mmm-mmm.
I appreciate that, Lester.
Oh, thanks for the use of the room.
Of course I had to do a little recon job for myself.
So I can tell you that I also know who you've been sleeping with.
Sergeant Major Keegan, you seem to have a great deal on your mind.
Well, Frank, you see, I got this idea in my head that if the Foundation's got money for you, you've got money for me.
What do you say, partner? It's the old army game, Lester.
All those black phone calls you've been making.
You call your friends, they call you.
They pump their friends, their friends call me.
And round and round it goes.
So I guess I'm about three points ahead of you on this.
As for whom I may or may not be sleeping with, I've noticed you've been following me around here and there.
Lester, you don't do that very well, so I know all about that, too.
So what are we gonna do about all this? We're gonna take care of each other, so long as neither one of us gets greedy.
Starting when? Give me a couple of days to bring you an offer.
Old battle comrades never die, they just get rich together.
No hard feelings, Frank? Life's too short.
Nobody knows that better than we do, huh? That's right.
Those were the days of Korea.
I only had one star then, and in the presence of a five-star general, one star gave you as much heft as a shavetail.
I remember the first time he cocked that pipe at me, he couldn't even remember my name.
But that's all right.
I couldn't either.
Now, I've got a lot of stars myself now, I affirm.
I've had 'em for some time.
Every once in a while, they let me dress up in my soldier's suit and try to impress somebody.
But you think-tank people are too smart for that kind of stuff.
Nowadays, I have the honor to head up your organization.
They put my name on the top of the stationary, and they call me your chairman.
You're a great bunch of folks here.
I would I only wish I had you on my staff when I was in the Army.
My beautiful wife here and I both thank you for a lovely morning.
And now, now it's time for Frank and me to get out there and dig up some more contributions to keep this place going.
God bless you all.
You made it a very pleasant morning, Frank.
You always do.
We'd still like the General to keep an office here.
I wouldn't know what to do with it.
I don't even know what's going on here.
Too many Ph.
D.
's trying to rewrite the history of the world.
Say, how is that sergeant major of yours doing? I haven't seen him for a while.
Lester Keegan? Right.
Still hammering away at the troops.
Well, I don't know about that bunch, but Keegan's a good man.
A good soldier.
We need more like him.
Oh, it almost slipped my mind again.
That Special Projects Fund of yours, Frank.
You know, I still haven't seen the report yet.
All brought up to date, sir.
I think it'll explain everything.
That's it? That's the report.
I'm grateful, Frank.
Someone promises once and doesn't deliver, well, that's a busy man.
Promises twice, he's not very efficient.
Promises three times, I know when I'm being diddled.
But here we are, after all.
I take it all back.
And now I'd like another look at that sexy computer system of yours.
There goes my Squire Toad.
Enthusiasm unbounded.
Are we gonna have the soldiers for him, Frank? Still up for grabs.
Colonel Brailie, I've got Oh, excuse me, Mrs.
Padget.
Not at all, Marcia.
I was just leaving.
I'm glad you got that report to Jack.
He was fretting about it.
I'll see you at the dinner party.
Indeed.
Bye-bye, Marcia.
Bye-bye, Mrs.
Padget.
What can I do for you, Marcia? We seem to have two Special Projects reports.
Do you want either one of them in central files? No, I'll take care of them.
Just leave them here.
You know I don't love you.
What I love is being here with you, like this.
Does that make me a bad woman? Only for a few hours, my depraved Jenny.
Hmm.
Of all the sins, Jack says betrayal is the worst.
What's your worst conceivable sin? Not getting what I want.
I meant what I said, Frank, our first time.
We'll take what we enjoy from each other, but I won't have him hurt.
Not by you, not by me, not by us.
He'll never know.
Never.
I promise.
Okay, you've had a taste.
Final exam's coming up.
Time to see what all you heroes have learned these past two weeks.
Now, you got three hours to get back to base camp in the dark, in the muck, in the woods.
And, just so you don't think those pits you see in the woods, the ones with the white lime circles around them, just so you don't think they're nifty little hiding places, every once in a while the bogeyman is gonna make them go That's mortar fire.
And you're never gonna know when it's incoming.
So I don't ever wanna catch any of your raggedy butts hanging around something that looks like a white circle.
Now, that's the menu for tonight's tea party.
So you soldiers of fortune, get some chow, get some rest, 'cause the fun and games commence at sundown.
The sexual life of the camel is stranger than anyone thinks.
He lies in the shade of the pyramids and tries to make love to the Sphinx.
But the Sphinx is only a statue beset by the sands of the Nile which accounts for the humps on the camel and the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.
All right, Mr.
Martinson, it's your turn on stage.
Oh, well Well, in this glittering company all Peggy and I have to offer is a little contribution to help celebrate the general's birthday.
Well, we don't wear uniforms, but we do like to think of ourselves as patriots.
So keep up the good work there, Jack, and you, too, Frank, and damnation to our enemies.
Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.
Jenny, our good friends seem to have made this out to the First Foundation.
Now, I'm not going to tell you people how much this is for, but I think I've counted pretty close to six zeroes.
Come on.
Come here! Jenny, I got 'em.
The toy soldiers? Just delivered.
What a shame, Frank.
You won't have time.
Let me try.
Two hours, then bring everybody up to the pool house.
If I haven't got everything set up, at least we'll have something to show off.
Jennifer? Where's Jennifer? Jennifer! There you are.
Now, tell me, what's all this about? More birthday surprises.
Oh, my.
Anybody out yet? Nah.
They're falling over their own feet in there.
Throw me that checklist.
Count 'em right, Sidney.
Everybody checked out before you start the light show.
I'll take care of the hookups.
Keegan to Winnik.
I'm out of here.
Frank? Frank? Frank? Happy birthday, Jack.
Happy birthday! I'll be damned.
Gettysburg.
Cemetery Ridge.
Pickett's Charge.
Love from Jenny.
Indeed.
It's a marvel.
You're a marvel.
The books go with it, Jack.
All the Civil War battles you'd ever want to fight.
All on a nice, clean sand table.
Not so clean that day.
No, not when the dying began.
Flesh and bone and heartbreak.
Listen up! We're all out of the woods, and count yourselves lucky.
You were still in there.
The enemy had his artillery ranged and ready.
So that's where you begin to die, like this.
Look at that.
I think we just lost one of our men.
My name is Brailie.
Well, my pleasure, sir.
Colonel Brailie.
You're from the Foundation.
That's right.
Lieutenant Columbo.
Police.
A lieutenant.
We seem to be fellow officers, Lieutenant.
You know the responsibility of leading your men.
Well, mostly the men I lead, that'd just be me, sir.
I see.
Still, you can understand an officer's concern when he's lost someone under his command.
Is there any way I can assist you here? Well, thank you very much, sir.
The training battalion, all the military uniforms and military ranks, it was very confusing to understand that all this is really just a school for civilians.
But we seem to have that under control now, sir.
Then what are all these people searching for? Search and look, look and search for whatever might explain the circumstances.
They expect us to do that in homicide.
Homicide? I was told it was an accident.
Well, there is one question.
About the exercises last night.
Now, I understand that Mr.
Keegan set those switches over there, and then he radioed May I ask, sir, were you watching the exercises? No, I'm afraid I was at a dinner party for General Padget.
Right.
General Jack Padget? That General Padget? That General Padget.
That would be like having dinner with history, sir, wouldn't it? He's the honorary chairman of our foundation.
You were about to ask me a question, Lieutenant.
A question? Right.
Mr.
Keegan, yes.
Mr.
Keegan set those switches for what they call a light show.
He radioed Sergeant Winnik that he was leaving.
But it was an hour later, when Sergeant Winnik fired off the explosives that killed him.
What was he still doing here? Can you help me with that, Colonel Brailie? I've been wondering about that myself.
Obviously something brought him back here.
But why to this particular spot, when he knew it was so dangerous? What am I gonna say in my report? That he was checking a wiring connection, or searching for something, or someone.
Even the best of trained men grow careless.
While I played with toy soldiers.
Toy soldiers, sir? I was setting up a gift for the General.
I'm gonna give you four final words, Lieutenant.
Chest burned and excavated.
Now, you need me for anything else? That's it.
Thanks, Clarence.
I'll send the attendants.
We served together.
Little wars in secret places.
I brought him out of the army into the training battalion.
All that combat, to die on a night exercise.
Well, we're just gonna have to call it an accident, sir, and let it go at that.
I have arrangements to make, Lieutenant, if you'll forgive me.
Right, sir.
You just run along, and we'll call you if we need anything.
I'm very sorry.
Thank you.
Lieutenant! We found it, sir! Hey, Jackson, over here.
They got it, they got it.
Check it out.
Right there, at the bottom of the slope.
Right there, Lieutenant.
Very good, Sergeant.
Eddie, gonna need some photographs.
This object that I have in my hand is a flashlight, is that right? Yes, sir.
You all see that? Yes, sir.
Battalion's closed down until we find out why this accident happened.
Last night we lost a comrade.
All of you have served in the regular forces.
Some of you have seen violent death before.
That's the profession we picked.
We're soldiers, so make the best of it.
That's all.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
That'd be my mess.
I must have tracked it in here when I came back to clean up.
Well, that's all right, Lieutenant.
Lester kept this place like he was still a recruit.
We wouldn't want to desecrate it now.
Well, I apologize, Colonel.
Here, let me take that.
This camp.
I never saw so much mud.
I counted seven different type muds.
You can't imagine how many different kinds of mud.
That's what a detective has to be interested in.
Green mud and black mud, wet mud and dry mud, old mud and new mud.
I bring the samples home.
My wife, that's Mrs.
Columbo, she won't even let me bring it in the house.
That woman, she keeps her house like Sergeant Major Keegan.
There.
Now, that mud That's the mud from where the victim was killed.
In the accident.
You're very thorough, Lieutenant.
I don't think I'd like you on my trail.
Oh, if that were the case, sir, I'd have to ask you what you were doing here in the victim's quarters.
And I'd tell you it was to say a kind of last farewell.
Of course, sir.
And clean up the mud.
And that, too.
Colonel.
Lieutenant Columbo.
Yes, Sergeant? I've got the men here, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant.
I'll send them in one at a time.
I wanted to talk to some of the men, sir, just to get a feel of the place.
Go to it, Lieutenant.
Please, call me at the Foundation if there's anything I can do for you.
Here I be.
You wanted to know about the training battalion? I want to know about you, sir, and why you came here.
To get ready for the time of anarchy.
Time of anarchy? When the element tries to take over.
The element, sir? Now, maybe you don't care, but they ain't gettin' me, and they ain't gettin' mine! Right.
Training up to be a mercenary, sir.
In two weeks? That's what the article said in the magazine.
Best camp I've ever been to, sir.
You mean you've been to these places before? Little bit, sir.
Taylor Point, South Carolina, Westerville, Arizona, Squeaks Ridge, Pennsylvania, Centerburg, North Dakota, High Bluff, Nevada, Tannerstown, Oklahoma, Forge Bend, Kentucky.
Then last year, sir, I got into Blast Cap, Georgia, Deal, Montana, Murphytown I'm sorry, Lieutenant.
Colonel Brailie's busy for a few minutes.
He'll get to you as soon as he can.
That's quite all right, ma'am.
Thank you very much.
The Foundation, ma'am, what is it people do here? We're what they call a think tank, Lieutenant.
Oh, a think tank.
This is a think tank.
That's what it is.
Thank you.
What do they think about? Our country's problems, Lieutenant.
I'm sure Colonel Brailie will explain it to you.
Right.
Thank you, ma'am.
Yes? What is it? Sorry.
Wrong door.
Excuse me.
Having a look around, Lieutenant? Sorry to keep you waiting.
Not at all, sir.
This is a very interesting place.
Well, come on.
See what else might be interesting.
Oh, Marcia, please remind Professor Galt I'll need to see the Dalai Lama before my trip to Tibet.
Yes, Colonel.
Carl Peterson just called from Mali.
Get him back.
And ring through.
No other calls.
Come in, Lieutenant.
Well, this is certainly a most interesting office.
And your work, it sounds very intriguing, sir.
Visiting Tibet, and phone calls from Mali.
That's in Africa, isn't it, sir? It is, Lieutenant.
You'll find it right here.
Oh, yeah, Mali.
It's a very uncertain world, Lieutenant.
Things happen unexpectedly, and even randomly.
Our policies have to expect the unexpected.
That's the sort of thing we think about here at the Foundation.
You mean, the best plans, sir, sometimes go all wrong? Well, not the very best plans.
Here we try to design perfect plans.
Feel free to look around, Lieutenant.
Yes? Put him through.
Hello, Carl.
Did you see the tanks yourself? Well, find them and count them.
I'm not interested in the CIA report.
Take care of yourself.
Well, what have you found there, Lieutenant? Is this what I think it is? What do you think it is? Well, it looks like a human head all shrunken.
It is indeed a shrunken human head from the Jivaro Indians of Ecuador.
He was a soldier killed in battle.
Otherwise his head wouldn't have been all shrunken.
I keep it as a soldier's warning.
A single misstep in the face of my enemy, and I might end up like our unfortunate friend here.
Right, sir.
I guess we can say this fella, he's a lesson to all of us.
Now, Lieutenant, how can I help you? Did you talk to our trainees? I did, sir, and I must say I'm puzzled.
What puzzles you? The kind of people they were.
They just don't seem to go with all of this.
The Foundation and the training battalion, they're very different, aren't they, sir? Different, indeed.
Sophisticated scholars and roughneck romantics.
Some of our people here call the training operation our bargain-basement boutique.
Still, the fees help finance our Foundation work.
For the rest of it, we depend on donations.
Is there something here you want to show me? Oh, yes.
Well, it's really just a question, Colonel Brailie.
Mr.
Keegan, the victim, was he unhappy with his work out there at the camp? Well, not that I know of.
He never complained.
Why do you ask? It's these pieces of paper, sir.
I found them in Mr.
Keegan's desk.
An unexplained accident, sir.
We're supposed to look around like that.
Yes, I'm sure you are.
They're all from the want-ads sections of the newspapers.
Help wanted.
All help-wanted ads.
Like Mr.
Keegan was thinking of changing jobs.
All different jobs.
"Limousine drivers wanted.
" "Employment opportunities in Saudi Arabia.
" "Gun shop needs expert clerk.
" "Careers in security services.
" Odd jobs like that.
And the dates.
Here, sir.
The dates are all in sequence.
Like Mr.
Keegan was looking every single day until last Monday.
Then it stopped.
No more ads.
You see, sir? Do you see how the dates run out? Mmm-hmm.
I see, Lieutenant.
What's your point? Well, here's a man, he's looking in the newspapers for a new job.
He's looking every day.
He's looking and marking the ads.
Then six days ago, everything changes.
He stops looking.
No more ads.
I gotta ask myself, what happened last Monday? What changed in Mr.
Keegan's life last Monday? Can you think of anything, sir? I can't imagine, Lieutenant.
I only visited the camp when new classes began and ended.
Do you think he could have found a new job? I can't conceive Lester even looking for another job.
Well, we can't read the man's mind, can we, sir? All right.
Well, thank you very much for your help.
I'll just be running along.
He never talked to you about a raise, money, anything like that? Nothing like that.
Lester was perfectly happy with his life when I saw him yesterday morning.
What could this possibly have to do with his accident? Exactly, sir.
That's my point.
Here we have an accident on our hands.
My report is gonna call this an accident.
And there we go, we're complicating it with a lot of questions.
The paperwork, it's gonna go on forever, unless we just learn to forget about these little questions.
All right, sir.
Well, thank you again.
Good day, Lieutenant.
Good day, sir.
Those sticks, sir.
Excuse me? These sticks.
Those people sitting on the floor in that room down there, they were shaking sticks just like these.
Yes, they're I Ching sticks.
An ancient Chinese way of divining the future.
You mean, people use these for fortune telling? Well, it's all rather mystical.
One shakes the container like this, and eventually, one of them falls out like this.
See, and each stick has its own unique markings.
These lines here.
You look up the meaning in the I Ching book.
You know, what the future holds, how to deal with your life, what decisions to make.
All from just this stick? All from that stick.
Of course, it all depends on some pretty hazy interpretation.
We do these studies to try to understand the processes of Chinese decision-making.
For instance, I happen to know that this is the Ming Yi symbol.
What would that mean, sir? Well, it could mean, among other things, that a woman is sitting on a well, and that's been interpreted as a warning against a trap.
Right.
A woman on a well.
That's a trap.
I can see that.
I'm gonna tell that one to Mrs.
Columbo.
Well, you've been very kind, Colonel, and I won't intrude any longer.
Not at all.
And we both better guard ourselves against traps, sir, or we're liable to lose our heads.
Bye again.
One more thing, sir.
I'll show you how I find these little problems that I really shouldn't even be looking for.
I put it here somewhere.
I know I got it.
Well, it seems like I don't have it.
Oh, no, here it is.
Over here by the light, sir.
You see this, Colonel Brailie? Yes.
It looks like dirt, Lieutenant.
Lots of dirt, bits of leaves, little twigs.
Found jammed up under Mr.
Keegan's collar.
Lots of dirt, bits of leaves And twigs.
Little twigs.
What do you think of that, sir? Obviously blown under his collar by the explosion.
But when the explosion went off, he was lying face down.
His chest was all blown in.
Excuse me for saying that.
So how could all this dirt get back here, underneath his collar? What do you make of it, Lieutenant? Well, it's like the victim was being dragged through the dirt on his back.
Like somebody was dragging Mr.
Keegan by his arms, and his collar was scooping up all the dirt.
You see how that can confuse my accident report? Yes, you have my sympathies.
Still, I can tell you from battlefield experience, an explosion can produce random results.
I think the explosion would account for the dirt.
Then that's what I'm gonna say in my report.
Explosion, random results.
This is gonna be very helpful.
Colonel Brailie, General Padget's on the phone.
I'll take it at my desk.
Goodbye, Lieutenant.
He wants to talk to Lieutenant Columbo.
Talk to me? General Padget? General Padget on the line.
General Padget.
Sir.
Okay, I'm gonna put you in charge.
You take care of the car.
You're a responsible dog.
When I get back, if the car's okay, I'll give you another cookie.
If the car's gone, I give you another cookie anyway, 'cause I love you.
# With a knick-knack paddywhack # Give a dog a bone # Excuse me, ma'am.
Lieutenant Columbo.
The General's expecting me.
Yes, of course.
I'm Jenny Padget.
Is that your car, Lieutenant? Yes, ma'am.
Afraid it needs a wash now.
I had one like that once, a long, long time ago.
Well, you should've held onto it, ma'am.
That car, that's a collector's item now.
Lovely thing, isn't it? Yes.
Lovely, indeed.
Please, come in.
My husband's back in the pool house.
Come in.
Excuse me, sir.
Columbo? Right.
Padget.
Well, come on in.
I'm not gonna go all the way over there.
Well, what do you think of this? A birthday present.
You know what all this is, Lieutenant? Could this be Gettysburg? Cemetery Ridge? What do you know about Cemetery Ridge? Well, it's not me so much as my nephew.
He belongs to one of those groups that get together to fight all the battles from the Civil War books.
This is certainly some beauty.
Pickett's Charge.
On orders from General Longstreet.
Half a day late and the battle is lost.
Longstreet's fatal flaw.
Well, the fatal flaw, sir, I always thought it was shoes.
Excuse me? There was a shoe factory in Gettysburg.
If General Lee hadn't needed shoes for his men, there may never have been a Battle of Gettysburg.
Well, I'll be damned.
You're a good man, Lieutenant.
You know things.
A pleasure to meet you.
And it's a real privilege to meet you, sir, and to see how you set this table up.
Oh, I didn't set it up.
Frank Brailie did that last night.
Those are the books, sir? Lincoln and His Generals.
Bluebellies and Johnny Reb.
That's the one.
That's the great one.
That's a classic.
The Gray Runs Red.
This is some collection.
A gift from my wife.
The whole thing was a gift from Jenny.
Look at this.
A Union soldier.
He retreated too far.
Where are we gonna put him? How about with the artillery, over here on Little Round Top? Why don't we help out General Hancock? You put it here.
Well, sir, you're the general.
There.
But I don't think that you invited me over here to help fight the Civil War.
You're right.
We lost a good man last night.
A stupid accident.
He was on my own payroll, so to speak.
You wanna know the truth? I don't know beans about our accounting.
I told that to Sergeant Major Keegan a few days ago.
He was standing right where you're standing.
Would that have been on Monday, sir? Well, as a matter of fact, it was.
Well, in that case, sir, I'll ask you what you and Mr.
Keegan talked about on Monday.
Lieutenant, I'm going to trust you.
I asked him to be my eyes and my ears, do me a little favor.
I might not know too much about accounting, but I do know millions of Foundation dollars have dribbled down into some rat hole called Special Projects Fund.
Now, Frank Brailie finally gave me that report on the Special Projects Fund yesterday.
Been after him for weeks.
It was like pulling teeth.
Not the way Colonel Brailie usually does things.
Anyway, last Monday, I asked Sergeant Major Keegan to look into all of that for me, to find out what was going on.
Good man.
He knows his business, just like I think you know your business.
Well, I never heard from him again.
A real tragedy.
Got the report here, anyway, for what it's worth.
Does that answer your question about what happened last Monday? In a manner of speaking, sir.
May I ask you, what exactly is the Special Projects Fund? Well, it's a catchall for everything that isn't nailed down.
Our own intelligence operations around the world, special grants abroad, anything that's around, according to this report.
Now, I'm going to ask you a favor, Lieutenant.
You're looking around about the camp.
Keegan's life, Keegan's effects.
You find any odds and ends about the Special Projects report, you keep me informed.
You think you can do that for me? Anything I can do for General Jack Padget, that would be my own personal pleasure.
Why don't we stop this mutual buttering-up and see if we can't help each other? Okay? Good.
Before you go, I want you to stick this in your pocket.
It's your soldier.
You found it.
Here.
Give you an excuse to come back again.
If you don't, I'll claim you stole it.
Right, sir.
And I certainly will be back.
You can count on that, sir.
Lieutenant? I was picking up my cleaning.
They gave me Sergeant Major Keegan's stuff.
I didn't know what to do with it.
I'll take it for you.
Sergeant, do you like your work here? It's a job.
Sergeant Major Keegan, did he like his work here? He never said.
Good night, Sergeant.
Good night, Lieutenant.
Colonel Brailie.
Well, this is some surprise, sir.
I was looking for a Mr.
Dunstan.
A Mr.
L.
Dunstan, apartment 2A.
Yes, Lieutenant, this is indeed apartment 2A.
Is there something I can do for you? Careful, sir.
You almost spilt that.
I promise, it'll only take a minute.
What a remarkable coincidence.
Would you be visiting Mr.
Dunstan? Would it astonish you to learn that Mr.
Dunstan, Mr.
L.
Dunstan, and myself are exactly the same person? That's you, sir? You're Mr.
Dunstan? I don't mean to be inhospitable, Lieutenant, but I'm expecting a guest at any moment.
Of course, sir.
I should have known.
The wine and the music.
I'd have to say a lady.
Exactly.
Now, if you'll excuse me A private place for romantic meetings.
That's why Mr.
Dunstan keeps this apartment.
You have my confession.
Well, I certainly understand, Colonel.
Except, I must admit I'm a bit confused.
I thought somewhere Bear with me, sir.
Right.
Here it is.
Don't you have a lovely home in Sherman Oaks, sir? Lieutenant, we all know there are moments when it's more discreet not to be at home.
Ah, right, Colonel, more discreet.
Well, that certainly explains that.
But then, you're not a married man, are you, sir? Why would you worry about being discreet? No, I'm not married, but the lady Ah, of course.
It's really none of my business.
And she'll be along any minute.
I know exactly what you're thinking, sir.
You're wondering why I came looking for Mr.
Dunstan in the first place.
Just too polite to ask.
It's the victim, sir, Mr.
Keegan.
Here, I'll show you.
I found Mr.
Dunstan's name and address in Mr.
Keegan's Oh, here it is.
Yes, in Mr.
Keegan's quarters.
Did you know that Mr.
Keegan knew about this apartment? No, as a matter of fact I didn't know.
Lieutenant, I don't mean to rush you.
You didn't know and he knew? Well, how did he find out? Sir, do you think he could have been following you? I can't imagine that Lester would be following me.
Lieutenant, don't you think that you're intruding a little more deeply on my personal life than the situation warrants? Well, sir, we hate to intrude like this, but now we have to consider Mr.
Keegan's flashlight.
His flashlight? His flashlight, sir.
The night Mr.
Keegan died.
Do you see the problem? To the window.
You see where we found the flashlight? Underneath this lip of rock, sir, like an anvil hanging over the flashlight.
Now, how did the flashlight end up under that rock like that? The explosion Uh, we'll see if I can make this clear, sir.
This is the explosive pit.
Now, the explosion couldn't have blown it over here.
This is the rock, sir.
And this is the lip.
How did the flashlight end up here underneath the lip? How did it get there? Your point seems a bit strained, Lieutenant.
Well, sir, flashlights, they don't go flying around all by themselves.
Not dirt and leaves under Mr.
Keegan's collar, and not flashlights.
That's why we did a second autopsy.
Lieutenant, you seemed quite certain all of this was an accident.
Well, sir, nobody wanted it to be an accident more than me.
Murder? You wouldn't even want to think about the amount of paperwork for murder.
Murder? Well, it certainly was a murder, sir.
The second autopsy.
We found a knife wound in Mr.
Keegan's heart where he was stabbed.
I'm sorry, sir.
We have to face that now.
I see.
It all seems so inconceivable.
Poor Lester stabbed to death while I enjoyed myself with the General.
So many violent men in the camp that night.
Well, we'll just have to leave all these things in your capable hands, Lieutenant.
Good luck with your paperwork.
We'll just have to manage, sir.
I'm sure you have a lot of other things to think about.
Oh, Colonel, would you mind if I used your washroom? Lieutenant, I do have an engagement.
I'll just be a minute, sir.
Is there anything else I can do for you, Lieutenant? No.
No, sir.
I can't think of a thing.
No, I'll be running along.
We'll be talking again soon, Colonel.
I'm sure we will.
Try and have a pleasant afternoon.
Right then it was touch and go.
Colonel Brailie would have settled for the soldiers without the books.
But the books without the soldiers? There goes the big surprise.
Well, it sounds like a remarkable evening.
And this is certainly a remarkable sherry.
The General's best, sir.
Lieutenant Columbo? Ma'am.
I see Warren's been taking care of you.
He's been telling me stories, ma'am.
Come and join me over here.
May I pour you a cup of tea, Lieutenant? Well, if it's all the same, Mrs.
Padget, I'll just enjoy my sherry.
Please do.
I'll only take up a minute of your time, ma'am, on my way to visit your husband.
Well, this is very nice.
When a policeman comes calling, I'm sure it can't be all that nice.
Mr.
Keegan's accident, the Sergeant Major, he was murdered, ma'am.
We know that now for a fact.
That's a very brutal fact, Lieutenant.
This sherry is delicious, ma'am.
Even the glass is beautiful.
You see the glass, the four frosted stars? It's like all that crystal over there in that cabinet, for a four-star general.
They were a gift from the Army.
I saw a glass like this earlier today, Mrs.
Padget, in an apartment kept by Frank Brailie, for what you might call intimate occasions.
With a woman.
He was expecting her.
A married woman.
Am I to understand that you're implying some insulting connection between me and a wine glass and some love nest of Frank Brailie's? Well, four stars, that's very unusual, ma'am.
Like You'll forgive me.
Like special wine glasses that a woman brings to a furnished apartment.
You'll forgive me, Lieutenant.
On any number of occasions Frank Brailie could have taken those glasses from my home.
He could have borrowed them, stolen them, treated them as a gift.
I have no intention of continuing this offensive inquisition.
Don't make me stop you, ma'am.
If you'll look at this, please.
It's one of those traveling toothbrushes from Mr.
Brailie's bathroom in the apartment.
And the fingerprints, Mrs.
Padget Everybody's fingerprints are on file, most everybody.
Would you want me to say whose fingerprints we found on this? No.
That won't be necessary.
Why, in the name of God, are you doing this? I'm sorry, ma'am.
There'll just be a few more questions.
Were you aware that Mr.
Keegan knew about the secret apartment? No.
Nobody knew.
Mr.
Keegan knew.
And now he's dead.
What I need, ma'am Was there anything else, any other kind of secret he might have known? Maybe about the Foundation? The Special Projects report? Anything you could help me with.
No.
My husband was interested in the Special Projects report.
That's all I know.
Well, that's it then, ma'am.
I'll just take this way to the pool house.
Lieutenant.
When you speak with my husband, will you find it necessary to mention any of this? No, ma'am.
Good night, ma'am.
Lieutenant Columbo, sir.
Come on in.
Lieutenant.
I'll be with you in a moment.
You just carry on, sir.
The French have a saying, Lieutenant.
"The older you get, the worse things are.
" Self-pitying nonsense.
But at my age, I find myself writing too many letters of condolences to the bereaved widows of clam-brained generals I never cared for in the first place.
I suppose that makes me a hypocrite.
That's another word for good manners.
What news have you brought me? Well, it's about Mr.
Keegan, sir.
Anything about the Special Projects report? No, nothing like that, General.
No sign of anything like that.
But that brings up the subject of your own feelings, sir, your interest in this report.
A place like the Foundation.
There must be plenty of reports you never get to read.
Maybe you can tell me what's so special about the Special Projects report.
And if I choose not to answer your question? Well, sir, it's a policeman's question.
We expect to get our answers.
The Special Projects Fund is discretionary, and I wasn't aware of that until recently.
When you deal with other people's discretion, that leaves a hole for the devil to pop up.
And I think perhaps he's already poked his nose out.
Do you mind if I took a look at this, sir? Well, it's hardly necessary for an accident investigation.
Well, General, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but it's not an accident anymore.
Your friend Mr.
Keegan We now know that Mr.
Keegan was murdered.
Murdered? A murder.
That's a completely different kind of investigation.
And there'll be more questions.
I don't know why you're telling me these things.
That's police business.
All police business.
I can't help you.
There's nothing I can do.
It's terrible.
Terrible.
I understand, sir.
We'll talk another time.
Yes, yes, please.
Good night, General.
Who is it? Who's there? Jack? Oh, Jenny, good.
I want to talk to you.
I want to talk to you, too.
I saw Lieutenant Columbo.
He told you about all this awful murder business? Yes.
And some other things from his investigation.
The things we have to talk about.
This is of no concern Please, Jack, don't look at me.
Not yet.
Lieutenant Columbo knows what I have to tell you now about someone in my life.
A relationship I swore you'd never know about.
A man I could never care for the way we care for each other.
Jenny, you're a young woman.
Strong, lovely, full of needs that I can't provide for you.
Do you really believe that I haven't made any allowances for that? I never wanted to hurt you, Jack.
Shh.
You've been the most loving companion that I ever could have been blessed with.
And for the rest of it, I want to thank you for your discretion.
And now if you need to tell me who, when, where, I beg of you.
Don't.
With all my heart, don't.
Please, Jenny, I couldn't bear it.
You the investigating officer? Yes, sir.
Lieutenant Columbo.
Marty Tanzer.
Just want to wish you the best of luck.
You're the only one here who wished me good luck, sir.
Any particular reason? Keegan was an old friend.
May I ask when you saw him last? Seven years ago.
Since I've been in Washington.
Seven years.
Well, thank you very much, Sergeant.
Seven years, except for the phone calls.
Any recent calls? The last one on the morning of the day he died.
Phone calls about what, Sergeant? I can't say.
You can't say? Classified.
Mr.
Keegan told you something classified? I told him.
Military intelligence.
Right.
Military intelligence.
Can you tell me? Can't.
The police.
I'm the police.
You can tell the police.
I can't talk about it.
If you ever see your way clear to talk about it, give me a call.
How about now? I've got them in my hand, Colonel.
Yes, sir.
In the shredder.
Okay, and I'll give the lieutenant your message.
I'm sorry, Lieutenant.
Colonel Brailie won't be available for the rest of the day.
Ah.
Well, that's too bad, ma'am.
These fortunetelling sticks.
I gotta have a lot of help.
This one here, ma'am.
This is either a Wei, which means a father is having trouble with his son, or it's a Kun, which means a young fox just crossed the river.
I'm not too sure about the Kun part.
And then there's all this about Yin Yang.
What's a Yin Yang? No, it's yin and yang, Lieutenant.
I think it's the tension between opposites.
Like black and white, light and dark.
Sweet and sour.
Hot and Is this a Special Projects report, Lieutenant? Yes, ma'am.
I'm reading that.
Did that come from Colonel Brailie? Oh, yes, yes.
Definitely from Colonel Brailie.
Did he give you the old report or the new report? Well, that's hard to say, ma'am.
What do you think? Well, the old report was in the red holder.
So the red letters on the gray cover must be the old report.
Unless it was the gray cover in the green holder.
That would have to be the new report.
Or maybe it was vice versa.
Unless it was the other way around, in which case, this would go here.
Well, this is the red cover in the red holder, ma'am.
Otherwise, it'd be opposite, like yin and yang.
Please, Lieutenant, don't get me confused.
Now, let me have the red holder.
You're not supposed to have the red holder, anyway.
The gray cover with the red letters goes with the new report in the green holder, and that's in here.
If the green holder had a report with a green cover, we'd know exactly where we are.
I think.
So this report also goes with the green holder.
Now, the red holder has the red cover with the black letters in Lieutenant.
Lieutenant? Lieutenant? Good evening, Colonel.
The general will be pleased to see you.
Is he in the pool house? No, sir.
I'll tell him that you're here.
Thank you for coming.
My pleasure, sir.
You got the wrong report.
This is the one you weren't supposed to see.
Is that all you can say? We try to protect you from these things, Jack.
Your Special Projects? Here and there.
Africa.
Illegal gun running! Foundation funds.
Arms transfers.
That's what our beloved sponsors really hope they're buying.
Just a little blood.
Don't you know that? Secret little excursions beyond the law.
Secret guns for secret friends, in the interest of our country.
You thieving bastard! Spinning your foreign bank accounts.
A dollar for guns, a dollar for you, all wrapped up in the Foundation flag! A thing like that, Jack, if it ever comes out, even General Padget could get chewed up in the machine.
A co-conspirator or an inept fool.
Any preference? Just one.
To see you in prison.
Any price, any cost.
You go to hell.
General, you'll do what you have to do.
In the end you'll beg me to take back that report.
For Jenny's sake.
Jenny? Do you really want me to admit how many times she's made love to me? How many afternoons in our own apartment? In our own bed? The devil's in the details, Jack.
Shocked people love shocking details.
What we said to each other, what we did for each other.
If you open up the Special Projects Fund, well, that doesn't give me much to lose.
What you lose, what Jenny loses Well, that's up to you, sir, isn't it? Jack.
Advise him, Jenny.
I think you would want this back.
Don't! Whatever he says.
I won't have any further need for it.
And copies, sir? Lieutenant Columbo's copy is on my desk.
Thank you for understanding.
Perhaps you'd be good enough to fix me a cup of chocolate.
You know how I like it.
Colonel Brailie.
I was hoping we'd run into each other again, and here you are, sir.
I see you've found the I Ching stick.
Is that the Kui symbol, sir? Yes, Lieutenant, it appears to be a Kui.
Well, the I Ching book, it was very baffling about the Kui.
Something about a culprit who walks on his toes because the police are looking for him.
Why would he walk on his toes? Why would the police be looking for him? I think it's a kind of warning.
Like the shrunken head, sir.
Yes, Lieutenant, much like a shrunken head.
Well, I'll certainly bear that in mind.
I'm sure this is what you came here for, Colonel.
Your Special Projects report.
And I know that you're anxious to be on your way, so good night, sir.
Good night, Lieutenant.
All the things in that report, the arms and all, and the foreign bank accounts, Mr.
Keegan, he never saw the report, but he did know about those things, sir.
Do you think that's why he was murdered? What do you think, Lieutenant? Well, sir, the way I see it, there's Mr.
Keegan getting telephone calls from an intelligence friend in Washington about the Foundation, and about the guns to Africa.
And Mr.
Keegan, he needs a new job, and I have to consider that maybe Mr.
Keegan The best job he could find would be in the blackmail business.
Somebody at the Foundation.
And the blackmail, that would be the motive for the murder.
Would you agree with me on that one, sir? A possibility.
Unless you're implying I was the target of Keegan's blackmail.
Oh, no, sir.
I'm implying more than that.
I'm implying that you murdered the man.
Then I'd better walk on my toes, Lieutenant.
I was here when Lester was murdered, remember? I spent the evening setting up all this.
Hardly a trifle.
Oh, I can see that, sir.
Hours of work.
And right there.
That's where you got me beat.
Your alibi, sir.
It's a perfect alibi.
How can I even begin to make a case with an alibi like that? I'm glad you agree.
You know, Colonel, the way we always agree with one another, that's amazing, considering the fact that we really don't like one another.
Would you agree with me on that? I think I'd have to agree.
You see? We agree again.
What would you say about this, sir? I'd say it looks like a toy soldier.
I found him.
You want to know where? If you like.
Right here, sir, is where I found him.
The day after the murder.
Behind the Civil War books, by this bookend.
Do you see where I found him, sir? Yes, Lieutenant.
I see exactly.
Well, that's very confusing.
That's puzzling, sir.
Right away, I don't know what to make of it.
According to the General's orderly, the carton of books came in the morning, and the soldiers were delivered at night.
Am I right? Right you are, Lieutenant.
Then if the books came first, how did the soldier end up behind the books? Ah, I sense a trap.
Maybe a woman sitting on a well, sir.
Lieutenant, I used this shelf to group my soldiers.
I didn't put the books there until all this was done.
One errant soldier got left behind.
This one.
Well, that would explain him, sir.
But then there's all these books.
You see? All these Civil War books that you ordered for the General.
I'm perfectly aware of the Civil War books, Lieutenant.
Do you plan to borrow them? No, no, no, sir.
No, nothing like that.
Would you give me a hand, sir? Since you insist.
The books in the box.
Well, there it is again, sir.
Interesting.
You see how interesting that is, sir? The books? And the carton.
It won't close.
There's too many books for the carton.
Well, obviously there's a proper way to pack the books.
Well, sir, no matter how many times I tried to pack 'em, it always came out the same.
That's because that box That's a two-cubic-foot box.
I measured that.
And the books, I measured those at 2.
9 cubic feet.
You see that, Colonel Brailie? How could they fit into a two-cubic-foot box? Well, they can't.
I don't care how you figure it.
Metric, liters, kilograms, whatever.
But that box This carton marked "Military Miniatures," that'd be toy soldiers, sir.
Don't patronize me, Lieutenant.
This box, sir, this is a 3.
1- cubic-foot box.
You see that? It says it right there, sir.
And the MacAdam booksellers, they sent me another complete set of books, just like those in that box there.
Exactly the same.
And there they are.
But the books, they can't fit in this box, sir.
That's a scientific fact.
And from this scientific fact, you deduce Well, I would have to say, sir, that the books The night Mr.
Keegan was murdered, the books were delivered here in the evening in that box marked "soldiers", and this box, the one marked "books", the box you opened in the morning, sir? I'd say this box had to have the soldiers.
So that you could set them all up here ahead of time, for the charge up Cemetery Hill.
And that evening you went to the training camp, and you murdered Mr.
Keegan without an alibi, Colonel.
You murdered him with no alibi at all, unless the jurors manage to pack all those books in that box.
Do you think they could ever do that, sir? I expect they'll have difficulty, Lieutenant.
I seem to have misjudged myself.
And you.
I'm curious.
When did you suspect me? Well, as long as you ask, sir, that first day in Mr.
Keegan's quarters, when I found you scrubbing my mud off the floor, I thought that was peculiar for someone as arrogant as you are, if you'll excuse me, sir.
Oh, there's still one more thing.
Our lost soldier.
Where do you think we should put him? It hardly makes any difference to the battle, Lieutenant.
It already seems to be lost.
Well, sir, this one's on the side that won.
Did I read your rights, Colonel? I think I forgot to read your rights.
I have the card somewhere.
I know it's here.
In this pocket.
No, the other pocket.
Gee, maybe I forgot to bring it again.
No, here it is.