Dad's Army (1968) s08e04 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Look at the time, Wilson.
Did you give Jones my instructions? Yes, I told him to wait outside the church hall until the platoon arrives -and then to bring them along here.
-Yes.
-This evening's parade is an absolute mess-up.
-Oh, look.
-Good evening.
-Good evening.
Can I help you? No, thank you.
No, I'm just waiting for my men.
I don't want any men to help me to do the garden.
I always do the vicar's garden on me own.
We are not gonna do any gardening, Mr Bluett.
Mr Mainwaring here is going to give us a lecture.
He's not qualified to give a lecture on gardening.
I've seen his garden.
It's in a terrible state.
-I'm not giving a lecture on gardening, Mr Bluett.
-Well, who is, then? You? No, no, no.
Of course not.
No.
Well, don't look at me.
I'm not giving any lectures on gardening.
Mind you, I could.
But I've got to do the vicar's greenfly.
I don't want anybody to give a lecture on gardening, Mr Bluett.
I could give lectures on lots of things.
Woodwork, cleaning out gutters, repairing bicycles.
I'd give a good lecture on repairing bicycles.
-Yes.
Thank you.
-Keeping chickens restoring old picture frames, now, there's a dying art.
I could give a good lecture on restoring old picture frames.
Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, wheel.
Left, right, left, mark time! -I'm not having them marching all over my lawn.
They'll cut it to pieces.
-Mr Farthing? Mr Farthing.
-Go with him, Wilson.
What's the matter, Mr Bluett? I'm trying to write my sermon.
Mr Mainwaring's got a lot of men walking all over your garden and he wants me to give them a lecture on gardening.
No, no, no.
My dear fellow, you've got it all wrong.
You see, the vicar here has said that we can use his garden.
Well, I did give them permission, Mr Bluett.
And I don't really mind having a lot of men in my garden.
They'll trample all over the flowerbeds.
I can see them quite clearly from my desk so I'll keep an eye on them.
-I'll see they don't do anything improper.
-We're not going to anything improper, Vicar.
Just see that you don't.
After all, I've never had a lot of men in my garden before.
Don't know what to expect.
Right, pay attention, men.
I must apologise for this slight mix-up, but the warden has got the hall this evening and the Sea Scouts are using the church yard, so here we are.
What did the vicar say? Well, he says it's all right as long as we don't do anything improper.
-What does he mean by that? -I've really no idea.
Apparently he's never had a lot of men in his garden before.
I see.
Now, the subject of my lecture today is fieldcraft.
Now, we've just been issued with some two-man bivouac tents.
-Hold one up, would you, Wilson? -A two-man bivouac tent.
Now, the best way to test these out is to have a weekend camp.
And I thought the best time to have that would be At the weekend.
Thank you, Frazer.
-Permission to speak, sir? -Yes.
When you say a two-man tent, sir, it might be all right for two tiny men, but what about a tall man? Or a fat man? I mean, take Private Sponge here.
He's a big man.
Yes.
I'm very big.
I'd need a tiny man to share with me.
Yes.
And you're a big man, Captain Mainwaring.
You'd need a tiny man.
And Sergeant Wilson, he's gonna need a tiny man.
And Mr Godfrey there, he's gonna need a tiny man.
Yeah, all right, all right.
Thank you, Jones.
Well, we're gonna run out of tiny men, sir.
I'm sure I'll find a tiny man willing to share with me.
Well, there's not enough tiny men to go around, Mr Godfrey.
Look, Jones.
Please, please.
I'll sort out the sleeping arrangements.
I'll sleep with Sergeant Wilson.
Oh, no, Mr Frazer.
I always sleep with Uncle Arthur.
Now, the advantage of these tents is that they can be put up in a matter of a minute or so.
I'll show you.
-Pike.
-Sir? -Bang these poles into the ground, will you? -Yes, sir.
-Mr Farthing.
-For goodness sake.
-What's the matter now, Mr Bluett? -They're banging poles in your lawn.
Oh, really.
You're behaving in an improper way, Captain Mainwaring.
No holes in the lawn, please.
Yes.
You hear what the vicar says.
No holes in the lawn.
This is ridiculous.
How can I conduct a lecture under these conditions? Excuse me, sir.
If you got somebody to hold the poles, then there wouldn't be any holes.
There's some good thinking.
-All right, you hold one of the poles, Pike.
-Sir.
-Jones, you hold the other one up.
-Yes, right, hold the poles, sir.
Hold the poles.
Just get hold of the other end of this tent, Wilson.
Right, sir.
Now once you've got the poles in the ground all you have to do is throw the tent over them and fasten the pegs, and the whole thing is done.
It's as easy as A, B, C.
I'll show you.
Right.
Here we go.
Yes.
Well, you get the general idea.
Right.
Clear it all up, Pike.
The next aspect of fieldcraft I want to deal with is living off the land.
-Get it out of the box, will you, Wilson? -Got it.
Now I want you to imagine that the Germans have landed and all our supplies are cut off.
We're starving and we have to comb the land for food.
-With a hairbrush? -With a hair -Tell them what that is, Wilson.
-A hedgehog.
Hedgehog.
-Mr Mainwaring? -Yes? Why do you want Sergeant Wilson to comb his hair with a hedgehog? We're going to eat the hedgehog.
Sir, I don't think I could ever bring myself to eat a poor little hedgehog.
This is war, Godfrey.
It's either the hedgehogs or us.
How do you know that you can eat hedgehogs? I mean, have you ever eaten one? No, I haven't eaten one personally, but it's well-known that they're very good to eat.
The Gypsies eat them all the time.
Supposing, as you say, our supplies had all been cut off and you come rolling down the road, you know, and you speak to us all nonchalant, ''Well, boys.
We're going to have hedgehog for supper,'' you say.
And we go out and there isn't any hedgehogs.
Why? 'Cause the Gypsies have eaten them all previous.
No, I don't think you need worry about that, Jones.
-Always plenty of hedgehogs to go round.
-Not at this time of year.
Having caught our hedgehog, we now have to cook it.
Now here's a little wrinkle that's well worth knowing about cooking Gypsieshedgehogs.
(CLEARS THROAT) Pike.
Sir? Just hold your hands out in front of you, would you? -Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes? Why have you poured mud all over my hands? All in good time, boy.
Give me the hedgehog.
Now, you take the hedgehog and you wrap it in the mud.
Well, go on, boy.
-Yeah, but if I do that, you see, I -Do as I say, will you? All right.
Now you Now you roll it into a ball and you put it in the embers of a fire and you bake it until the mud is hard.
Then you break off the mud, the bristles come away with it, and there's your hedgehog done to a turn.
You get the idea? -MEN: Oh.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
-Right.
Clear it up, Pike.
But I'm covered in it, aren't I? Mum'll be furious when she sees this.
Oh, stop fussing, boy.
Go and clean your hands.
-Wilson, start building a fire, will you? -Yes, of course, sir.
Yes.
Give him a hand, Jones, please.
-Mr Farthing.
Mr Farthing! -Really! What is it now? They're setting fire to your lawn.
We're not going to light it, Vicar.
It's only a demonstration.
Now look here, Mr Bluett, if you disturb me just once more, I shall get very cross indeed.
If Captain Mainwaring does anything else he shouldn't do, just deal with it yourself.
Here's a tip for lighting the fire if the wood should be damp.
You can simply make it go by pouring rifle oil all over it.
Like that, you see? Also, if there happens to be a very strong wind blowing, we can overcome that by lighting three matches at once.
Pike, come here a moment.
Now look, Pike, I don't want you to light the fire, you understand? Don't light it under any condition.
All I want you to do is just go through the motions.
-Yes.
-All right.
Now take out three matches and light them together.
-Don't light the fire? -Don't light the fire.
-Just gonna go through the motions.
-Go through the motions.
-There.
-There you are, you see.
(EXCLAIMS) Here, I'm not having that.
No! No! I'm all wet, Mr Mainwaring! Stupid boy.
# started It That started It That's how the trouble all began One, two, three, four.
There.
That's the lot.
Put the salt in, Godfrey, son.
I'll put in 1 7 pinches.
That's one for every man.
Don't be such a namby-pamby.
Tip it in! One, two.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, halt! Ah, this is the life, eh? Feel that fresh air getting in to your lungs.
(MAINWARING COUGHING) Running on the spot, commence! One, two, three, four.
Left, right, left, right.
Up, up, up, up.
Keep them at it, Wilson.
I'm gonna see how the supper's getting on.
Uh-oh, here comes Mainwaring poking his nose in.
Oh, will you look at the man? He's gone purple.
If he keeps this up, he'll burst a blood vessel.
-How's the rabbit stew coming along? -Ready in about half an hour, sir.
We've just put the potatoes on.
Good, good.
Hope there's enough to go round.
We're all starving.
It's a good job we're not having to rely on the hedgehogs, isn't it? I haven't seen a single one.
All right, Frazer, all right.
Just carry on cooking.
And halt.
Now, deep breath in.
Hands on hips.
Track circling, commence.
Just a minute, sir.
-Keep it up, Wilson.
Don't stop.
-There's Hodges' van.
All right, men.
Rest.
How dare he come here and disturb us? I'll soon put a stop to this.
Come with me, Wilson.
At the double.
Jones, to me, at the double.
To you at the double, sir.
Halt! Stop! Turn back.
Turn back at once.
What's the matter with you, Napoleon? Have you gone mad? Clear off at once.
We're camping here.
Oh, no, you're not.
The vicar's camping here.
Aren't you, Vicar? That's right.
I'm camping here, Captain Mainwaring.
And you've no right to interfere with the vicar's camping.
Don't you start, troublemaker.
I say, it does seem a little odd.
Three grown men going out camping.
I'm not gonna do any camping.
I've just given them a lift.
Even more odd.
-Get the boys out of the van, Mr Yeatman.
-Yes, Your Reverence! Do you wish to inspect the boys now, Your Reverence? No.
You carry on and inspect them yourself, Mr Yeatman.
Very good.
Now, look here, Vicar.
I'm in charge of a bunch of highly trained men on active service.
How can I be expected to maintain discipline with a lot of boys mucking about all over the place? For your information, Captain Mainwaring, my boys do not muck about all over the place.
-They are also very highly disciplined.
-That's right.
You tell him, Vicar.
My mind is made up.
This is a free country and we're entitled to camp wherever we like.
We shall camp over there.
-Mr Yeatman, back in the van.
-All right, sir.
Back in the van, boys.
Quick, come on.
VICAR: Right, Mr Hodges.
Forward! (ENGINE STARTING) -Well, what are we going to do, sir? -Permission to speak, sir.
Why don't we take the whole platoon with fixed bayonets and run them off? We're not savages, Jones.
Come on, let's go and have some supper.
What are you sniggering at? Well, the thought just occurred to me, sir, if we had been having hedgehogs for supper, and the Scouts had decided to have them for supper as well, there wouldn't have been any left for them because we'd have eaten them all.
That was a very nice rabbit stew.
Very tasty.
Very sweet.
-It really is a most beautiful evening.
-Yeah.
Pity about those Boy Scouts.
Here we are, a bunch of comrades camping out under the stars, all spoilt by those kids swarming all over the place.
-Right, Mr Yeatman, get them out.
-Aye, aye, sir.
(BLOWING WHISTLE) Now what are they up to? Oh, look.
They're going to play pirates.
How nice.
Out to the water and hoist the Jolly Roger.
(ALL YELLING) This is absurd.
Well, I'm off now.
Enjoy your weekend camp.
You've done this deliberately, haven't you, Hodges? You drove those boys out here to upset my camp.
Don't be such a spoilsport.
They're only kids.
Why shouldn't they enjoy themselves? Well, goodbye, Mr Hodges, and thank you for the lift.
Oh, that's all right, Vicar.
I like to see young kids enjoy themselves.
# Early in the morning # Put him in the # Hoo-ray and up she rises Hoo-ray and up she rises Hoo-ray and up she rises Early This is hardly helping the war effort, Vicar.
On the contrary, Captain Mainwaring, we're having a practice for next Saturday.
The boys are taking the raft down to the town to collect money for the Spitfire fund.
(HODGES SHOUTING) Flipping kids! Flipping kids! Hodges is going to have a fit.
It's all your fault, Vicar.
You and your soppy boys! -Why? What's wrong? -I've run out of petrol.
-Well, that's hardly my fault.
-Of course it's your fault.
If I hadn't wasted my petrol driving you and your silly kids out here to this silly camp, I wouldn't have run out.
You'll just have to spend the night out here, that's all.
I'm not sleeping in a tent with rotten kids crawling all over me all night.
I want to go home! You can sleep in the other tent, with the verger and myself.
There's always plenty of room.
We sleep with our feet to the pole.
-You know what you can do with your pole! -How dare you, Mr Hodges! Come away, men.
(LOUD SNORING) (SNORING CONTINUES FROM EACH TENT) (THUDDING IN THE DISTANCE) Gosh.
Captain Mainwaring.
Captain Mainwaring! Captain Mainwaring! (DISTANT BOOMING) -Frazer, what are you doing? -Trying to wake you up.
-Listen.
-What? Did you no hear it? There.
Gunfire! By Jove, you're right.
-Turn out! Turn out! Wilson, Pike, Jones.
-Listen, sir.
I can hear a plane.
You're right.
It's coming this way.
Come on, Uncle Arthur.
Hurry up.
Come on.
WILSON: Frank! Stop pulling me about.
-What is it, Captain Mainwaring? -Be quiet and listen.
(AEROPLANE APPROACHING) There it is, Mr Mainwaring.
Look, look it's on fire.
-Is it one of ours, Wilson? -WILSON: It's German.
-Did you hear an air-raid siren, Frazer? -No, sir.
Not a thing.
Probably a lone raider trying to make his way back into France.
-Well, he's not gonna make it.
-Wouldn't like to be in his shoes.
Well, there's nothing we can do about it.
All right, men, get back to bed.
Right, sir.
-Well done, Frazer.
-Thank you.
Here.
Hey! Don't blow it here, come with me.
Blow it here and I'll give you sixpence.
(PLAYING TUNELESSLY) Go away, boy.
Well done.
Here you are.
Turn out.
Turn out the guard.
Rifles and bayonets at the ready.
-Right, sir.
-What? -What on earth's the matter, sir? -Look.
-Well, who are they? -They're Germans of course.
They must have parachuted out of that plane we saw last night.
There's Germans on the water! There's Germans on the water! Don't panic! As soon as I see them Nazi uniforms, it gets my blood up, sir.
-Get them in, sir.
Get them in, sir.
-Yes, you're right, Jones.
I don't think even you can walk on the water, can you, sir? -Give them a shout.
Tell them to come in at once.
-Yes.
Hey, you! Mr Mainwaring says will you come here at once! -Handy-hock, handy-hock.
-With your handies hock! Handies hock! -They're not taking a blind bit of notice.
-Oh, dear.
-You don't think they're dead? -Of course not.
They're sitting upright.
Why bother with them, sir? Why not just let them sit out there and wait? -They'll have to come in sooner or later.
-Well, use your intelligence, Wilson.
As soon as it's dark, they can slip ashore and we'd have to comb the entire countryside for them.
All right, they've asked for it.
Move your boys, Vicar.
There's gonna be some shooting! -Come on, boys.
Into the trees.
-Yes.
Come on, boys.
Into the trees.
Look, you'd better stay here, Mr Yeatman.
Captain Mainwaring might need you.
-Frazer, fire a shot over their heads.
-Aye, aye, sir.
They haven't moved a muscle.
You've got to admire their courage.
Don't let's have any of that sort of talk, Wilson.
They're just stupid.
If they won't come to us, why don't we go out to them? We could make 'em surrender.
We could use the Scouts' pirate raft.
That's good thinking, Pike.
Right, Frazer, Godfrey, you stay here.
The rest of you come with me.
But how can we make them understand? None of us can speak German.
-Mr Hodges speaks German.
-How do you know? He told me in the last war he was a guard at a prisoner-of-war camp.
Hey.
You, Hodges! Over here at the double.
And you know what you can do! -Go get him, Jones.
-Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Right, come with me to the raft.
Come on! You heard what the officer said! At the double! What are we going to do if the Germans are armed? We've got overwhelming firepower.
We'll blast them out of the water.
They're heading for disaster.
Sheer disaster.
Come on, Hodges.
I want you as interpreter.
I'm not getting mixed up in this.
I'm a civilian, noncom.
You're under my orders on active service.
Now get on.
Get on the raft.
Come on.
Why don't you shoot him, Mr Mainwaring? You've got every right.
MAINWARING: Hodges.
You take the other one, Jones.
-Right, sir.
-You get up in the front.
Keep them covered, Pike.
-Here you are, Mr Mainwaring.
-Right.
Thank you, Sponge.
-Right, shove off.
-Right, sir.
I don't know what's the matter with them, sir.
They seem to be taking no notice of anything.
I've never seen three such surly-looking brutes.
Right, that's close enough.
Keep them covered, Pike.
Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
Hodges, tell them to surrender in the name of the King.
(SHOUTING IN GERMAN) -You know, I think they understood that, sir.
-Bring them in, Hodges.
What's happening, Mr Frazer? Are the Germans being awkward? They're just sitting there with their hands up.
Mainwaring keeps shouting at them to come in, but they're not taking a blind bit of notice.
(HODGES SHOUTING IN GERMAN) Not a blind bit of notice.
Tell them again.
Kommen SIe hIer reInI I don't think they want to come here reIn.
If there's anything I can't stand, it's sulking Nazis.
-Why don't we just shoot them, Mr Mainwaring? -Don't be absurd, Pike.
We're British.
We can't shoot men with their hands up and they know it.
Well, let's shoot at the rubber dinghy and sink it.
We can't do that either.
The bullets would go straight through it and hit them.
This is the penalty you pay for being a sporting nation and playing a straight bat.
You know, it's really quite simple, sir.
All we've got to do is to attach a rope to the dinghy and tow it to the shore.
Ah.
(MAINWARING CLEARS THROAT) Well done, Wilson.
Just wondered who'd be the first to spot that.
-Now, Jones.
-Yes, sir.
-Tie the end of that rope to the mast.
-Oh.
Right, sir.
Now, when we get near enough, Hodges, you tie the other end to the dinghy.
-Now look here -Just do as you're told.
Right, forward, men.
Forward.
-Hey, watch it.
-Get closer.
-Watch it.
-Closer still.
MAINWARING: Keep moving.
Little bit closer.
Tie off! Hooligans! Ruddy hooligans! MAINWARING: Get him in.
HODGES: You hooligans! Ruddy hooligans! (EXCLAIMING) -Hooligans! -Come on.
This tank is filling with water.
We're sinking.
What? Right, get back to shore as fast as we can.
No, Jones.
I tell you, it won't work.
You're off into the realms of fantasy again.
Oh, let me do it, sir.
Let me do it.
I put the gas mask on, sir.
And then I attach this pipe to This pipe.
I attach it to a little grass as camouflage.
And then I'll be able to swim underwater and breathe through the pipe.
And when I get near to that German dingy, I'll dive underneath it and I'll pierce it with my bayonet, sir.
And it'll sink.
-What do you think, Wilson? -I think he'll drown.
Like so, sir.
(MUFFLED) Here, I'll put it on like that.
And I'll swim and swim.
(MUFFLED SHOUTING) What did you say, Jones? They don't like it up 'em, sir.
They don't like it up 'em.
It's worth a try, sir.
After all, what have we got to lose? Right, let's get on with it.
-Where've you been, Pike? -I'm sorry I'm late, Mr Mainwaring.
I had to borrow something from one of the Sea Scouts.
This isn't a game, Pike.
We're dealing with three vicious Nazi thugs.
Get your coat on, Hodges.
-Now, look, I'm -Oh, stop making such a fuss.
-Keep them well covered, Pike.
-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
Wilson, keep the raft pointing this way so they don't know what we're up to.
Aye, sir.
-Ready, Jones? -Yes, thank you, sir.
Now, good luck.
You're a brave man.
I shan't forget this.
Would you mind holding me glasses, please, sir? -Yes.
-Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
Right, right, you hold that.
Here we are.
-Right.
-Right.
That's it.
You know, Wilson, Jones has got guts.
-I don't know what we'd do without him.
-If this goes wrong, we might well have to.
-He's turning round.
-What's he coming back for? -He's under the raft.
-Can you see him? -Jones! Jones! -He can't hear you, sir.
I've got him.
I've got him, Mr Mainwaring! Here, what are you doing in the German boat? -You've come up under our raft, Jones.
-I must've taken a wrong turning.
I'm sorry, sir.
Mr Mainwaring, the Germans have got Mr Hodges.
(FIRING) (HODGES EXCLAIMING) Get down! (GUNSHOTS) They're firing at the petrol drums.
They're trying to sink us.
Swine.
Right, that settles it.
-No, no.
-Let them have it, men.
Don't do that, sir.
You'll hit Hodges.
Why is that blasted man always in the way? Let me have a go.
(HISSING) Well done, Pike.
And one for luck.
-They're sinking.
-We'd better warn them.
-What's the German for ''Can you swim?'' -I don't know.
Hodges! Ask them in German if they can swim! I don't care about them! I'm the one who can't swim! You ruddy hooligans!