Duck Dynasty (2012) s08e04 Episode Script

1 [Upbeat music plays.]
[Si.]
That was the one last one, wasn't it, Jase? [Jase.]
Well, for now it is.
- They'll be back.
- [Si.]
Nutria rats are like cockroaches.
Ow! I'm losing my shoe! There's an art to getting out of a mud hole without getting wet.
Godwin, hey, you need to put a bug on those things, son.
Whoa.
You know what I've come to realize? [Si.]
What's that? There's some really bad golfers around here.
- [Laughter.]
- Yeah, I see you had some luck.
Oh, yeah, we got a tow sack full of them and found you some golf balls.
Back in my younger days, I'd do a few odd jobs for a couple extra bucks.
Those things were reeking havoc all over the place.
They're up to no good.
One of them was getting rid of people's unwanted pests.
It's hard to believe that this little rascal can do so much damage.
[Si.]
He's a fat one.
I used to charge people money for it.
But this time, I'm asking for something that money can't buy.
All right, so what do I owe you? Look, I'm kind of a favor-for-favor man.
You scratch, you know, our back, we scratch your back.
Well, I get your point, but It's, you know, it's about the thought that counts, okay? Every time we come and manage your nutria rats, we'll get a frog hunt.
- A few rats for a few frogs.
- [Si.]
There you go.
I like that deal.
- I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
- [Jase.]
No.
- Yup.
- All right, so we have an understanding.
- Absolutely.
- [Jase.]
Good trade.
I'd shake your hand, but - Yeah, he don't want to go there.
- Yeah.
I'm good.
Now, I need to get this tail off here.
- [Si.]
Look out.
- [Jase.]
What in the world? - Whoa.
- I wanna ride that.
- What have you been doing? - Hey, that side of the pond is clear.
- No rats.
- Hey, you're supposed to be a grown man and you're riding around on a tricycle.
Dude, it's a QuietKat.
It ain't no tricycle.
- [Si.]
It's a tricycle.
- [Godwin.]
I can ride that.
Hey, I can get 20 miles to the battery on this baby.
[Si.]
You need to get off that tricycle.
Every man should have one really cool toy.
It's like a rule.
Hey, I can do tricks on this thing.
Mine just happens to be a QuietKat.
You need to do a trick and get off of it.
[Jep.]
Your prey will never hear you coming.
It's just like a quiet fart.
[Rattling.]
Do you want some of that? By the time you smell it, it's way too late.
- Ooh! - Tote these out of here for us.
- What? - Back here [Jep.]
You put the rats in the basket.
Hey, I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
- [Jase.]
Si.
- [Engine revving.]
Later, losers.
Check this out.
[Shouts.]
[Si.]
That boy is never going to grow up.
[Martin.]
He ain't got enough beans in his britches.
- [Theme song plays.]
- [Ducks quacking.]
[Godwin.]
Frog legs.
- Hey.
- Hello.
Mm, mm.
- You know what I'm thinking? - [Godwin.]
I want another frog leg.
Mm.
No, I'm thinking we're pretty good at removing other people's pests.
- Yup.
- [Jase.]
And collecting the spoils.
[Si.]
Yup.
We need to do that somewhere where we can hunt.
- Oh.
- [Jase.]
We come and get your rats or your snakes or whatever your problem is.
What we get in return is hunting rights.
- I'm in.
- That's pretty good.
This is the single greatest idea you ever had.
I think you're right.
Hi there, I'm Jase Robertson, pest pulverizer.
[Explosion.]
Hey, you know who has a nutria rat problem? - [Jase.]
Who? - Dan.
- Lieutenant Dan? - Lieutenant Dan.
- [Martin.]
Really? - [Jase.]
I will not rest until all your pests have been eliminated.
[Explosions.]
Free of charge.
- What does he have to trade? - He has an awesome fishing lake.
- Now we're talking.
- Jackpot.
Line it up.
Warning: Only customers with proper hunting and fishing spots will be accepted.
Improper removal of any pest could result in bodily harm, diarrhea, vomiting, perhaps death.
Hey, speaking of fish, while y'all are getting the nutria rats [Jase.]
Y'all? I'm going to be, "Oh, yeah! Here he is.
Oh, yeah.
That sucker there weighs about three pounds.
" They got to fight.
"Whoa! Come out here! - Whoa, whoa, come in.
Come back here!" - [Laughter.]
- [Si mumbling.]
- Get the net.
- Help me, Jep.
- Help him, Jep.
- Ah! Higher.
He got off.
Hyah! - [Laughter.]
What kind of imaginary story is that where the fish gets off at the end? [Si.]
I'm wore out now, boys.
I need a nap.
Good grief.
[Willie.]
Hey, um, what are y'all doing this summer? - Depends.
- Getting married.
- Besides getting married.
- Honeymoon.
All right, after the honeymoon, after the wedding.
What about the in-between time? - Mm - Had a good idea.
This summer you're going to work at Willie's Duck Diner.
[Willie clears throat.]
I'll admit, no kid, including my own, wants to work during the summer.
- Summer job.
- I don't know.
But there's no better way to learn the value of a dollar than to work your butt off while your friends are having fun without you.
Yeah, I don't know.
My plate's pretty full this summer.
Your plate's going to be full, all right.
- Two hands of plates.
- [Laughter.]
[Willie.]
It's sort of like a rite of passage.
Somewhere between your driver's license and armpit hair.
Everybody needs a summer job.
I had a crappy summer job.
Are you telling them it's going to be crappy working at the diner? No, not this one.
You start putting all them dollar bills in your pocket, you'll be liking it then.
- Free food? - What are you, negotiating? - [John Luke.]
Yeah.
- Business.
- It's what you taught us.
- [Laughs.]
[Laughter.]
Hey! John Luke, do not waste this sausage, son.
[John Luke.]
But you threw the sausage first.
[Willie.]
Pipe down, John Luke.
[Upbeat rock plays.]
[Jep.]
Slow down, Jase.
Dan's house is right here.
- [Si.]
Whoa! What are you doing? - [Jase.]
Hey, check that out.
- [Si.]
What do y'all got? - [Godwin.]
Oh! That's a bull right there.
- Si, what are you doing with my belt? - I got a weapon right here.
- Si, that's my belt.
- I know.
It's a weapon too.
Them things are just like vampires, okay? They don't ever die.
[Jase.]
Load him up, we're taking him.
He's fresh.
[Si.]
I've got to ride home with that thing in the back of the truck.
I wouldn't worry about it.
I wouldn't worry about it.
Where you going? - [Si.]
Hey.
- Usually, people and animals are terrified of Si, or at least of what he's capable of doing.
I'll slingshot this belt upside your head.
What you don't know about Si is that he is more terrified of snakes than anything else on the earth.
- That's what I thought.
- Is it? Is it? [Laughter.]
[Jase.]
So naturally, being a Robertson, once we spot your weakness, it's over.
- Come get you a glass of tea.
- You lay that on my tea jug? - No, around it.
- I knew I should have brought a pistol.
We're basically going to tease you the rest of your life.
- [Laughter.]
- [Si shouts.]
Quit! Or until it stops being funny.
- [Dan.]
What is all this ruckus out here? - Yeah.
All these idiots done find a stupid road kill rattle snake.
I'm out there trying to catch a crappie, and I look up and see you running across the yard like a little girl.
- Well, look.
- What's happening? I hear you have a little bit of a nutria problem.
That's true.
I've got a bunch of nutria rats.
- All right.
- Well, let's get on it.
- I'll meet y'all around the back.
- All right.
Jep, I cannot believe you got another QuietKat.
- [Godwin.]
Hey, I'll ride it.
- Yeah.
A man so big that he would rather sit on a tricycle than walk.
My daddy taught me to work smarter instead of harder.
[Laughter.]
[Upbeat music plays.]
Welcome aboard, maties.
Are y'all ready to work? - [Sadie.]
I guess.
- [Willie.]
All right.
Let me teach you a little bit about being a waiter.
Have you even ever been a waiter? [Willie.]
Um - Hm? - Here's how you get big tips.
You got to have a good smile.
Where's your friendly smile? Sadie? That's good.
All right.
John Luke? - You don't know how to smile? - I'm trying to smile.
I can't Smile with your eyes.
No.
Maybe work in, like, a laugh, like [chuckles.]
Hello.
Hello.
[chuckles.]
Look, I ain't your dad no more.
I'm Boss Hog.
And you are my little piglets.
Let's say I'm a customer, all right? I'm coming in.
Hey, I'd like some food.
- Now you got to speak.
- Oh, okay.
Try it again.
I'm going to fill those little piglet brains so full of knowledge that they might just explode.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Hey, how's it going? - Are you hungry? Of course I'm hungry, I just walked into a restaurant.
What kind of question is, "Are you hungry?" I may be better off just to hire two actual piglets.
John Luke, roll.
- Really? - You never know what can happen.
At least the customers may find that entertaining.
Whoa! Accident, accident.
I would certainly find that entertaining.
John Luke, clean up all this mess.
There's rolls, there's ice everywhere, that's a hazard.
You got to pick this stuff up.
Does the five-second rule apply to these cups? - [Willie.]
It's off the floor.
- [John Luke.]
You never know.
[Willie.]
John Luke, have you lost your mind? [Upbeat music plays.]
- [Squeaking.]
- [Gun cocks.]
- [Gunshot.]
- [Jase.]
He gone.
Martin, grab that nutria and we'll call it a day.
[Martin.]
Well, he ain't on this house.
- Get on down in there.
- [Martin.]
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey! - Oh! - Uh-oh.
That first step is a doozy.
I think Phil's right, a man's better than a dog when it comes to retrieving.
[Si.]
That's right.
Well, as it turns out, my buddy Dan has a serious problem with nutria rats on his property.
- Wait, wait.
Yeah! Hey! - There he is.
There he is.
And just as I had hoped, he's given us the thumbs up on crappie fishing his private lake.
Well, that's another one.
It's a win-win.
Except for the varmints.
[Si.]
Look, we ought to fry these suckers up after we're done.
[Jase.]
Si, I've tried nutria rat once, and [whistles.]
Yeah, but have you tried it in sausage form? [Laughs.]
No.
Anything in sausage form is good.
Look, I don't understand why everybody's concerned about what goes into a sausage.
- Nutria rat, possum, coon.
- Chili dogs.
Squirrel.
Hey, look, let me tell you something about sausage.
They throw everything in them things.
- What about rattlesnake? - No, he's already in sausage form.
- [Laughter.]
- Venomous sausage form, no.
Look, the rats they found in the factory, the neighbor's cat that died last week, pieces of meat somebody didn't finish, okay, that was laying around.
[Jase.]
You'll run from a snake, but you'll run to a rat.
Hey, I'm telling you, nutria rat sausage is the way to go.
Look.
Hey, and guess what? It all tastes the same.
- [Jep.]
I got a sausage guy.
- You got a what? - I got a sausage guy.
- What is a sausage guy? I bring him all my meats and he makes sausages out of it.
- Can he do lamb? - He can sausage-fy just about anything.
- My kind of man right there.
- We do need to do something with them.
Hey, let's go have some rat sausage, boys.
- Agreed.
- We'll try it.
[Si.]
Let's go, I'm ready.
Hey, Jep, call your sausage man.
[Jep.]
You got it.
[Si.]
Let's go kick this sausage fest off.
- [Rock music plays.]
- [Godwin.]
I'm hungry.
We need sandwiches.
[Man.]
What you guys got there? What we have, and I've already cleaned them, - is a big pile of nutria rats.
- Oh, that explains the smell.
- Have you ever made nutria rat sausage? - No, sir, I haven't.
- Really? So this will be a first time.
- It will.
Ha! Well, who knew? Listen, in these parts we have a certain way of doing things.
Waste not, want not.
- What flavor do you want? - Heavy on the spices with nutria rat.
Even when we're talking about large rodents.
We can put the jalapeño and cheese in there.
Will that help? - Oh, that - That'll make it start.
Mm-hm.
Some people may think that's disgusting.
I can make it tasty.
Now, if we can make y'all swallow it, that's a different story.
But wasting food is just against the redneck code.
[Godwin.]
Jalapeños and cheese.
I'm ready to eat.
I've never been this excited over trying a rat.
- [Charles.]
Easy, son.
Easy, easy.
- [Godwin.]
It's gonna be good! All right, boys, here we go.
Oh, yeah.
Good grief.
[Godwin.]
Wow.
[laughs.]
Mm! I'm excited.
Sausages.
[Si.]
That's gross.
- Look at that.
- Hey, don't be handling.
- That's awesome.
- Don't be handling that.
All right, well, I brought one other thing and I know this is going to be good.
- Bring it on.
- [Jase.]
All right.
Rattle snake.
- No, no, no, hold up.
Don't mess with me.
- Si.
- [Rattling.]
- Hey, I'll cut you, I will.
- What do you think about this? - It's going to be something new.
Whoo! We're going to be famous.
[Charles.]
I don't know about that, but if you want, I'll make sausage out of it.
[Jase.]
Oh, yeah.
[Upbeat music plays.]
- [Sadie.]
Everything okay over here? - [Woman.]
It's great.
- Awesome.
Thank you.
- Good.
[Woman.]
Thanks.
John Luke, when I say smile, your eyes are too you're like Yeah, like that, that's that's Like, I'm scared or something.
Just tone the eyes You can smile, you know, just a little.
Your eyes are a little you know.
- So Hey, look it here! - Hey! How's it going? - It's good.
- Good.
What a surprise.
[Korie.]
It's John Luke and Sadie's first day working at the diner.
And Will, Rebecca and I wanted to stop by and see how they're doing.
- Any tough customers? - He's the toughest.
He threw a roll at me while I was carrying all the waters.
Wh what? And more importantly, I wanted to see how Willie's doing as their boss.
Speaking of customers, aren't we forgetting something? - Not the smile, they need to sit down.
- Oh! - Yeah, we're customers.
- You're customers.
Here's your table.
But the main reason we came in is for the bacon cheese fries.
- So who's thirsty? - I'll have an un-sweet tea.
- Okay, Rebecca? - Can I have an un-sweet tea - with a kiss of sweet? - You want me to kiss the tea? I think she wants, like, unsweet tea with just, like, a little bit of sweet tea mixed in.
[Willie.]
There comes a point for every father when it's time to just let his little piglets roam free.
But now is not that point.
- Appetizers, anyone? - Do y'all have any recommendations? - Well, I just like the free bread.
- Where's that on the menu? It just comes free.
I don't usually get an appetizer.
John Luke.
These kids are still building confidence in their skills as servers.
And I don't want to give them too much freedom, only to see them fail and get discouraged.
I'll just take the mini corn dogs.
I don't think we have mini corn dogs here.
Do we? - I don't know.
- Learn the menu, son.
It's my first day.
You want them to learn from their mistakes, but not pay for them the rest of their lives.
Any other appetizers? Yeah, we'll have the bacon cheese fries for sure.
- Mm! Good choice.
Good choice.
- Good choice.
That's my favorite.
A good leader also knows when to give a little extra encouragement and guidance.
- John Luke, give me a Boss Hog.
- Are you eating here? Yeah, I'm eating, my feet are killing me.
Can I eat? My feet are killing me too.
Nope, you're on the clock.
Chop, chop, thank you.
- Y'all are doing so good.
- [John Luke sneezes.]
- [Korie.]
Oh, wash your hands, John Luke.
- [Willie.]
Yes.
[Upbeat rock plays.]
[Sadie.]
We really got a lot of money today.
[John Luke.]
Yeah, we did good.
What do you think, Dad? You only got that much because your mom was here.
Plus, you ain't even done.
- We're not done? - No.
You got to roll up all the silverware for tomorrow.
You got to marry the ketchup.
That one needs a lot of marriage.
I got to say, John Luke and Sadie did pretty well for their first day.
John Luke, watch.
[Both laugh.]
Ketchup's coming out of your tips if you spill it.
- [Sadie.]
Whoops.
- [Willie.]
Sadie.
Nothing builds character more than a long day's work.
[John Luke.]
How's this, Dad? John Luke, that's total crap, do it again.
No.
I'm proud of them just for sticking it out.
Even if they're really not helping that much.
- Okay, how about this? - Aren't you forgetting something? No, the wrapper thing, not the smile.
Nobody's here, the smile's over.
That's a good burger.
- When do we get to eat? - At the end of the day, son.
The end of the day.
I'm starting to feel like this day's never going to end.
The longer you take, the longer the day goes.
- [Ketchup squirting.]
- [Willie.]
Sadie.
- Whoops.
- [Willie.]
It's coming out of your tips.
I'm taking a little percentage for that.
- [Country music plays.]
- [Jep.]
Smells like sausage.
[Godwin.]
It's going to be good.
[Jessica.]
Si, I think Lizzie likes you.
You can't tell where I begin and where the dog stops.
- She's our little lioness.
- The lion king Sleep tonight - Si, you know that dog eats its poop.
- Mm-hm.
- [Jessica.]
It's gross.
- When's the sausage going to be ready? I cannot believe y'all are going to eat rat sausage.
It's disgusting.
No, that's going to be the greatest thing you have ever ate in your life.
- Oh, I'm not eating that.
- More for me.
Last but not least.
The rattle snake sausage.
- Oh, you talking about gross.
- Good night.
It ain't much.
I still cannot believe that's all we got out of that.
- Hey, I got dibs on that.
- Huh? Yes, I've never had it before, and I'm cooking it.
Well, I want some of it.
I say we go splitskies.
You just disqualified yourself for saying - Splitskies! - Yeah, you're disqualified.
- We gonna split it up amongst us.
- Oh, I got the concept.
Look, I got a way we can settle this.
It's manly, it's a little dangerous, and it's quiet.
Deal, let's do it.
And I don't even know what it is.
- Get ready! - [Jessica.]
Ready.
Get set! Go! Go, go! Oh! - Whoo! Go, Jep! - They're burning rubber! - All right, looky here! - [Jessica.]
Go, go, go! - Come on! Go, Jep! - [Si.]
Go, go, go go! - I got you now.
- Rattle snake! - Come on! - [Shouting.]
- Hey, whoa! Hey! - Whoa! - [Godwin, indistinct.]
- Victorious.
You were on in the inside, that's why you won.
I'm not saying that losing to Jase is my least favorite thing in the world, but it's at least in my top five.
- Jase, you are the sausage king.
- Yes! You lost.
I mean, I can think of worst things: Getting food poisoning, getting poison ivy in my nether regions.
Beat you on your own ride.
I feel like a nerd.
I think it falls in between driving to Chick-Fil-A and then realizing it's a Sunday, and then thinking I'm gonna get lucky with Jess, and she puts on the sweatpants.
I'm sorry, babe.
- Victory lap.
- [Si.]
Oh, good grief.
- Hooray! - Jep, hey.
Jep.
This victory is going to the boy's head.
I'm going to get the sausage.
I'm going to get the sausage! - Go, Godwin! - [Screams, laughs.]
Ladies and gents, sausage fest.
[Godwin.]
It's a festival of sausages.
All right, y'all, bow.
Father, thank you for the truth about Jesus that sets us free.
Freed us from sin, freed us from guilt, and lo and behold freeing us from the grave itself.
For that, we are humbled.
- In the name of Jesus, I pray.
Amen.
- [All.]
Amen! [All speaking at once.]
[Willie.]
Although working hard ain't always fun, it doesn't have to feel like a chore.
Especially when you're working with family.
My brothers and I were forced to learn the value of hard work very early in life.
What I didn't know at the time was that those hours spent cleaning fish with my dad or building duck calls with my brothers would become some of my best memories.
Because in the end, life is more than just hard work.
It's about learning to enjoy it along the way.
[Si.]
Hey, Martin, pass that rat sausage down here.
- [Korie.]
Oh, that is nasty.
- [Godwin.]
More for me.