It Ain't Half Hot Mum (1974) s08e04 Episode Script
The Last Warrior
Meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you With music and laughter to help you on your way To raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey With songs and sketches and jokes old and new With us about, you won't feel blue So, meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you B-O, B-O-Y-S Boys to entertain you! (Gloria) All right, Paderewski.
A one, two, three (# Piano intro) On the good ship Lollipop It's a night trip, into bed we hop And dream away On the good ship Lollipop On the good ship Lollipop It's a sweet trip to a candy shop Where the bon-bons play On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay Lemonade stands everywhere Crackerjack bands fill the air And there you are Happy landing on a chocolate bar See the sugar bowl do a tootsie roll With a great big lemon cheesecake If you eat too much - "Ooh! Ooh!" You'll awake with a tummyache On the good ship Lollipop It's a night trip, into bed you hop And dream away on the good ship Lollipop (Applause) All right, fellas, take ten.
Let's have a cup of char while we do notes.
(Sighs) - Char, sahib.
- All right, ta.
Now listen, fellas, I want to put that number in tonight and I'm very worried about it.
It isn't gelling.
There's something wrong.
Well, if I may say so, it's in excruciatingly bad taste.
Bad taste? Bad taste? What are you talking about? Well, if my memory serves me right, Shirley Temple did the number when she was about eight years old.
To put it mildly, Nobby is a little overdeveloped.
Well, what's it matter, so long as it gets a laugh? Paderewski's right.
It's in very bad taste.
Oh, that's nice, that, isn't it? I mean, that's the first time in all my years in show business that anyone's ever accused me of having bad taste.
No, it isn't.
When we did the Battle of Britain, you goosed Winston Churchill with the Spitfire's propeller.
Huh! That isn't bad taste.
That's political comment.
Satire.
Well, giving Shirley Temple big boobs isn't satire.
- It's very bad taste.
Get rid of them.
- All right, Gloria.
Oh, sit down.
And you, Parky, you're walking around in a dream.
You're supposed to be an innocent, fun-loving girl.
There's no reality in your work.
You're not concentrating.
I'm sorry, Gloria.
It's all this news about the war ending.
Ah, it'll never end.
Just because the Yanks have dropped some secret weapon on the Japs doesn't mean they'll give up.
In their religion, if they die in battle, they go straight to heaven.
Look at all the kamikaze pilots.
Somebody's going to have to winkle them out of every foxhole and every island.
Yeah, and then we'll have to invade Japan.
We could be out here until we're old men.
Yeah, with no teeth.
If I thought that, I'd kill myself.
When I came out here I was a young boy.
Now look at me.
Hard and cynical.
And cruel-tongued.
I'm an innocent who's been brutalised by war.
There's one good thing, sahib.
We are all in show business.
Ah! The smell of the grease ball.
You're right, though, Muhammad.
Things may look bright and things may look black, but one thing is certain.
We are in show business and they can't take away our God-given talent.
There'll be an audience out there tonight and it is our job - no, our privilege - to make them stand on their feet and cheer.
Come on, fellas, from the top.
One more time! A-one, two, three.
On the good ship Lollipop It's a night trip, into bed you hop And dream away on the good ship (Drunken singing) (Laughter) (Car approaching) Ball, there's a ball - (Cheering) - Hello, there, chaps.
Wake your ideas up! Salute an officer when you see one! What's the matter, Ashwood? I'm not feeling very well, sir.
Will you excuse me? Shall I take those men's names, sir? Report them to their units? Leave them alone.
This is a great day in history.
The war is over.
We must not let discipline fall apart, sir, otherwise we shall have anarchy.
- Wake your ideas up! - (Soldier blows raspberry) I must say, you're a fine couple.
We've got peace at last.
Here am I on top of the world and there's Ashwood stuck in the bushes cos he can't take his liquor, and there's you like a dying duck in a thunderstorm.
What's the matter? Aren't you glad the war's over? Yes, sir, in a manner of speaking but they've won.
No, no, no.
We've won.
The Japs have signed a surrender.
I don't mean us, I mean the concert party's won.
I've been dying to get them into action against the Japanese.
Now they've beaten me.
It'll never happen.
I never did understand you, Sergeant Major.
Always obsessed with going into action.
It's my job, sir.
I'm a professional soldier.
Ah.
Feeling better, Ashwood? Yes, sir.
For the time being.
That's the last time I take you to a victory celebration party.
After the next war, I'll go alone.
- I think that's in very poor taste.
- Don't be so stuffy, Ashwood.
Come on, start up.
I can't wait to tell the chaps about the surrender.
- We shouldn't tell them, sir.
- What do you mean? They're sloppy as it is.
Discipline will go to pot.
They'll laugh in the face of authority and we shall be impudent.
What nonsense, Sergeant Major.
Come on, give it some stick.
All right, fellas.
A one, two, three.
On the good ship Lollipop It's a night trip, into bed you hop And dream away All right, move yourselves, move yourselves! Forget all about the good ship Lollipop.
Stand still.
Squad, 'shun! - The men are fallen in but I don't - Be quiet.
Stand them at ease.
- Stand at ease! - Chaps, I've got some wonderful news.
Yesterday, at 09:00 hours, on board the battleship SS Missouri, the Japanese surrendered unconditionally! (Cheering) Stand still! Stand still! - (Laughing) - Get back in your ranks! You are still in the army, you will not behave like hooligans.
Put your hat on straight.
All right, relax, Sergeant Major.
Now, I daresay you'd all like to celebrate.
I'm happy to be able to tell you Captain Ashwood and I have obtained five cans of beer, one tin of sliced peaches in heavy syrup two tins of evaporated milk and four bars of chocolate.
And to mark this occasion, you will all be given a 24-hour pass but, of course, there's nowhere to go.
On the other hand, you can sleep safely in your beds knowing there are no Japs around.
Does that mean we won't have to do guard duty? Course you has to stand guard.
This is a military outpost and while the flag is flying, there will be a guard on the gate.
Parades will be as usual, boots will be polished, cap badges will be shined and now there is no need for camouflage from the air, I wants all stones whitewashed until they is gleaming, gleaming, gleaming! Right, what time's the truck coming? Truck? What truck? The truck that's gonna take us to the boat.
- What the hell are you talking about? - The boat that's taking us home.
I've got to send a telegram to my agent.
I might be in time to book myself a pantomime.
Get fell in, Bombardier! You is not going nowhere, not never! I think you rather jumped the gun, there, Beaumont.
You've got a show to do tonight.
- Don't forget the new number, Gloria.
- That's right.
We'll give the boys a show to remember.
We'll put in all the best items.
What a night it'll be! We'll call it the Victory Gala Night.
Yes, and at the end we'll get the whole audience to stand and sing Land Of Hope And Glory.
# Land of the hope and the glory # Mother of the free # Nice hot cup of char, Sergeant Major sahib.
Thanks, Muhammad.
Why are you looking so unhappy, Sergeant Major sahib? Tonight we British should be very proud.
The war is over, we have beaten Japanese and now we can start to build brave new world with welfare state, isn't it? Do you know what the word frustration means, char wallah? Oh, yes.
It is what they do to pussy cats.
Frustration is when you is stopped from something you wanted to do.
Is this not what they do to pussy cats? I wanted to take that concert party into action against the Japs and while the war was on, there was a chance.
But now there's no hope.
Them poofs has beaten me.
They're very silly, you know.
Mm-hm.
They don't know what they missed.
Once they got the taste of danger, they'd have loved it, I know they would.
- And I could've shown them the way.
- (Vehicle pulling up) Who's that? They can't be back from the show already.
- Anyone about? - Over here, sir.
Ah, Sergeant Major.
My name's Parkinson, GHQ.
Have you got any water? My radiator's boiled up.
Certainly.
Char wallah.
- Do you fancy a cup of tea, sir? - Oh, thank you.
- And char.
- Let me know when we're ready to move.
- Gosh, what a day it's been.
- Never mind, sir.
Tomorrow we'll have them behaving like normal soldiers again.
I've been rushed off my feet.
There are odd little Japs popping out of the woodwork all over the place and I've been accepting their surrender.
Why did they pick on you, sir? I'm one of those rare birds who speaks Japanese.
Well, I expect the Japs will be glad it's all over, sir.
Some of them take a bit of convincing and it's a pretty bitter pill for them to swallow.
Quite a few would rather commit hara-kiri than surrender.
One of the little baskets thinks it's a trick.
He's dug in on an island up river and I can't make him listen to reason.
He just won't believe the war's over.
- Why not leave him to starve, sir? - He's got a clear line of fire.
None of our transport can get up or down the river.
Not only that, somebody might get hurt.
I'm just on my way to HQ to get some troops to flush him out.
Just about ready to go, sir.
Well, better be moving.
Just a moment, sir.
Did you say you wanted some men to flush this Jap out? That's right.
We can't parley with him any longer.
We shall have to use force.
There's no need to get any men from GHQ, sir.
It so happens I is in charge of the toughest jungle fighters between here and Kohima.
Where are they? - They're out doing a show, sir.
- Show? Showing the troops how to be jungle fighters.
They gives demonstrations.
- Who's their CO? - Colonel Reynolds, sir.
Tiger Reynolds.
Just his cup of tea, sir.
He's itching for a scrap and his second in command, Captain "Blood and Guts" Ashwood.
He's a lean, wiry intellectual, sir.
You know the type.
DH Lawrence of Arabia.
We'll do this for you, sir, and glad of the chance.
Well, that's a weight off my mind.
Corporal, get on the radio, tell HQ we shan't need any men after all.
Colonel Reynolds has volunteered for the task.
Very good, sir.
Now, here's the map.
I'll meet you and your men here on the river bank at 0800 hours tomorrow morning.
And, er, don't expect it to be easy.
The man's a fanatic.
We can handle him, sir.
I've done it.
I've done it! I got 'em.
- (Men) # me down and do it again! # - What a wonderful day, Ashwood! What on earth are you crying for, you silly arse? You should be happy.
- I am happy.
I'm thinking about Fiona.
- Who's Fiona? - My wife.
- Oh, yes, of course.
- She lives in Richmond.
- Well, that is rather sad, isn't it? Never mind.
Hooray! You know, tonight, I'm going to sleep the sleep of the just.
For the first time in years, I'll be secure in the knowledge that no one's going to drop a bomb on me or stick anything nasty into me.
- Whoopee! - Steady on, you fool! We'll come off the road.
You don't want to get killed now! Look out, here we are.
- (Men singing) - Listen, Sergeant Major sahib.
They're so happy.
Rolling over in the clover.
And just think.
Tomorrow they'll be crawling in the jungle.
Sahib, it will be a bitter blow when they find out they are going to be heroes.
Don't you breathe a word of this, char wallah.
I shall tell them in my own time and in my own way.
(Excited chatter) - Seriously, you'd have won the awards.
- No, no, no.
Oh, Sergeant Major! You should've come with us tonight.
It was marvellous.
It was the best show we've ever done.
When I did the number in my pink frock and I sang Mad About The Boy, I had to take two encores.
You should've seen my ventriloquist, sir.
I did the ABC drinking the glass of water four times! They asked me to do it again but I was in the bushes.
What about my strongman act? I tore two full telephone directories in half but they were still screaming for more so I started on the chairs! They went wild! 'Ey, if we hadn't have dragged him off, he'd have done the piano! I was still looking for a good finish so I tore up my trousers.
They wouldn't have noticed if I'd been playing in boxing gloves but I didn't care.
- I was euphoric.
- Euphoric, was you? Euphoric! My singing went quite well, an' all.
- Shut up.
- You should've been there.
At the end, we all sang Land Of Hope And Glory.
- All right, fellas.
Char all round, my treat.
- Thanks, Gloria.
This is the first night in two years I sleep peacefully in my bed.
No more Japs to worry about.
- Would you care to join us for a nightcap? - That's very kind of you, sir.
Ashwood, let's open that tin of football wafers, eh? Why not, sir? What the hell? When shall we have reveille tomorrow? Well, let's give the chaps a bit of a treat.
Shall we make it 10 o'clock? Is that all right with you, Sergeant Major? - We should make it a bit earlier, sir.
- Oh, really? Why? It has to be earlier if we're going to be there by 8 o'clock.
- Be where by 8 o'clock? - The river bank, sir.
There's a little job they wants us to do.
Who on earth wants a show at that time in the morning? The Japanese, sir.
They want us to do a show for the Japanese? Huh! I'll see them dead, first.
Funny you should say that, sir.
It could come to that in the end.
What on earth are you talking about? There's this fantastical Jap, sir.
He's holding out on an island and he won't give in.
He's making a laughing stock of us, so this Major Parkinson wanted somebody to sort him out and I volunteered on your behalf.
How dare you, Sergeant Major? Cancel it at once.
It's a bit late for that, sir, seeing as how he's already told GHQ that you, Colonel Reynolds, has volunteered.
I know I was taking a bit of a liberty, sir, but had you been here, I know that you would've volunteered, sir.
Well, yes.
In normal circumstances, yes, but the fact is, I've been having these headaches lately and this shoulder's been playing me up a bit and to lead an expedition like this in anything but tip-top condition, well, it wouldn't be fair on the men.
I'll do all the leading, sir.
- What are the men going to say? - Leave them to me, sir.
I will break it to them gently.
This is a disaster.
That's just what I was thinking, sir.
What on earth are we going to do? - Think, man, think.
- It's a bit of a tricky one, sir.
You're telling me.
Couldn't we pretend we didn't get the message? No, no.
The Sergeant Major would sneak on us.
Of course.
I've got it.
I've got it.
We kill the Sergeant Major.
Put his body in a sack, weigh it down with a rock and chuck him in the river.
You're on the right lines, Ashwood.
But I don't think we ought to go quite as far as murder.
Why not? It's him or us.
By George, I'm seeing a different side to you tonight.
I'm desperate when I'm roused.
All right, then, I'll tell you what we'll do.
Go to GHQ, find that major and talk him into taking you down to the river as soon as it's light.
When you get there, persuade that Jap the war is over and he's got to give in.
Tell him anything you like.
Offer him money.
By the time we get there at 8 o'clock, I want the whole thing cleared up.
- I don't think I can do that, sir.
- Yes, you can.
You're very persuasive.
- Not only that, it's an order.
- Yes, sir.
Right, now, what was the name of that Major? - I'll ask the Sergeant Major.
- No, no, no.
- It was something to do with humbugs.
- Humbugs.
- Major Humbug.
- No, no! Associated with humbugs.
- Mint.
Major Mint.
- No, no.
No? - Old-fashioned.
- Oh, heavens, no.
I've got it! Parkinson, Major Parkinson.
Right, off you go.
(Men shouting) - (Shouting stops) - What was that? I think the Sergeant Major has just broken it gently to the men.
See you on the river bank, 8 o'clock.
# When they sound the last all clear # How happy my darling will be # I think we should de-bus here, sir.
The river's about 50 yards ahead.
Yes, do that, Sergeant Major.
Right, lovely boys, out you get.
Keep your voices down and your heads lower still.
Form up this side.
Come on, Sugden.
All right.
Bombardier, where is you going? The enemy is over here.
I can't believe this.
I'll wake up in a minute.
(Williams) That'll be the one, sir.
- (Reynolds) It's very quiet.
- He's probably gone home.
Let us go home, eh? Shut up! (Graham) There's a Jap flag flying on a little pole.
(Mackintosh) He's still there, all right.
This is what I suggest, sir.
Gunner Atlas gives covering machine-gun fire from the flank.
We use the two-inch mortar to put our smoke grenades up-wind.
As soon as that drifts down, Clark, Graham, the Bombardier and myself swim across under the covering fire and we go in with the bayonet.
Any questions? Can we have a cup of tea, first? Shut up! There's only one thing.
Captain Ashwood should be here.
- Perhaps he's been delayed, sir.
- I've never known Ashwood late.
If he's says he's going to be somewhere at 8 o'clock, he's there.
According to my watch, it's 8 o'clock now.
(Ashwood) Hello? Anyone there? What did I tell you? Bang on time.
Hello, Ashwood! Where are you? - (Ashwood) I'm over here.
- Where? - On the island.
- Fantastic.
He's cleared the thing up.
Well done, Ashwood, you talked him into it.
Have you taken him prisoner? Not exactly, sir.
He said he was giving in and we came over to get him and it turned out he's an absolute fibber.
- Let's go ahead, sir.
- We can't.
We might kill Ashwood.
I'll soon show that Jap where he gets off.
Now listen here, you slant-eyed, thick-headed Nip! This is the British army you is dealing with and we has won and you has lost.
(Speaks Japanese) A thought has just occurred to me, sir.
He's probably a simple-minded peasant.
Most of these Japanese soldiers are.
If somebody very important told him that the war was over, then he might believe it.
"If somebody very important" It may have escaped your notice, but there's nobody very important here.
What are you driving at? Well, sir, we've still got all our costumes from last night on the truck.
- We might be able to fool him.
- You're right.
Bombardier, have you got a Japanese general's outfit? No, sir.
We've got Napoleon.
He might listen to him.
- He's dead.
- How about dressing up as Hitler? He's dead and all, you berk.
Is he? Nobody told me.
Wait a minute.
I've got it.
The Battle of Britain number.
How do I look? Great.
Come on, hurry up.
Off you go, Lofty.
Go on.
Do you know your piece? How did it go? "I have come" I have come in a very fast plane direct from London to inform you that the war is over.
(Mouths) And you've got to give up.
Do your gestures.
(Gunfire) Why did that upset him, Ashwood? I think he's a socialist.
For God's sake, do something to calm him down before he kills us.
- Quick, Bombardier, what have you got? - Let's think.
There's the Cockney number, cowboy, French, Dutch I've got it.
Paderewski, come with me.
Atlas, come on.
One, two (# Three Little Maids) Three little maids from school are we Pert as a school-girl well can be Filled to the brim with girlish glee Three little maids from school Three little maids who, all unwary come from a ladies' seminary Freed from its genius tutelary Three little maids from school, three little maids from school (Speaks Japanese) He likes it.
- He likes it! - Ha! We're making progress.
(Speaks Japanese) What did he say? Well, I don't know how to put this.
Stay where you are, chaps.
Do you think he wants an encore? I don't know quite how to put this, sir.
- He says he'll surrender.
- (Cheering) Congratulations! Well done, everyone! On one condition.
He wants the little one to come over and spend an hour of enchantment with him.
I see.
Now, Gunner Sugden, I wouldn't ask you to do anything I wouldn't do myself but unfortunately your costume wouldn't fit me.
- They can let it out.
- Shut up! You've got nothing to worry about, Lofty boy.
When you is crossing the river in the boat, I shall swim round behind and when you gets there, you will distract his attention and I'll grab him.
What happens if you're a bit late? Well, in that case, Lofty boy, when your children say to you, "What did you do in the war, Daddy?" You can say, "Wait till you grow up and I'll tell you.
" Meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you With music and laughter to help you on your way To raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey With songs and sketches and jokes old and new With us about, you won't feel blue So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you We are here to make you feel gay So give us a cheer with a hey, hey, hey Just gather around and put down your gun With us around, there's plenty of fun So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you B-O, B-O-Y-S Boys to entertain you! # Land of hope and glory # Mother of the free (Williams) Shut upl
A one, two, three (# Piano intro) On the good ship Lollipop It's a night trip, into bed we hop And dream away On the good ship Lollipop On the good ship Lollipop It's a sweet trip to a candy shop Where the bon-bons play On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay Lemonade stands everywhere Crackerjack bands fill the air And there you are Happy landing on a chocolate bar See the sugar bowl do a tootsie roll With a great big lemon cheesecake If you eat too much - "Ooh! Ooh!" You'll awake with a tummyache On the good ship Lollipop It's a night trip, into bed you hop And dream away on the good ship Lollipop (Applause) All right, fellas, take ten.
Let's have a cup of char while we do notes.
(Sighs) - Char, sahib.
- All right, ta.
Now listen, fellas, I want to put that number in tonight and I'm very worried about it.
It isn't gelling.
There's something wrong.
Well, if I may say so, it's in excruciatingly bad taste.
Bad taste? Bad taste? What are you talking about? Well, if my memory serves me right, Shirley Temple did the number when she was about eight years old.
To put it mildly, Nobby is a little overdeveloped.
Well, what's it matter, so long as it gets a laugh? Paderewski's right.
It's in very bad taste.
Oh, that's nice, that, isn't it? I mean, that's the first time in all my years in show business that anyone's ever accused me of having bad taste.
No, it isn't.
When we did the Battle of Britain, you goosed Winston Churchill with the Spitfire's propeller.
Huh! That isn't bad taste.
That's political comment.
Satire.
Well, giving Shirley Temple big boobs isn't satire.
- It's very bad taste.
Get rid of them.
- All right, Gloria.
Oh, sit down.
And you, Parky, you're walking around in a dream.
You're supposed to be an innocent, fun-loving girl.
There's no reality in your work.
You're not concentrating.
I'm sorry, Gloria.
It's all this news about the war ending.
Ah, it'll never end.
Just because the Yanks have dropped some secret weapon on the Japs doesn't mean they'll give up.
In their religion, if they die in battle, they go straight to heaven.
Look at all the kamikaze pilots.
Somebody's going to have to winkle them out of every foxhole and every island.
Yeah, and then we'll have to invade Japan.
We could be out here until we're old men.
Yeah, with no teeth.
If I thought that, I'd kill myself.
When I came out here I was a young boy.
Now look at me.
Hard and cynical.
And cruel-tongued.
I'm an innocent who's been brutalised by war.
There's one good thing, sahib.
We are all in show business.
Ah! The smell of the grease ball.
You're right, though, Muhammad.
Things may look bright and things may look black, but one thing is certain.
We are in show business and they can't take away our God-given talent.
There'll be an audience out there tonight and it is our job - no, our privilege - to make them stand on their feet and cheer.
Come on, fellas, from the top.
One more time! A-one, two, three.
On the good ship Lollipop It's a night trip, into bed you hop And dream away on the good ship (Drunken singing) (Laughter) (Car approaching) Ball, there's a ball - (Cheering) - Hello, there, chaps.
Wake your ideas up! Salute an officer when you see one! What's the matter, Ashwood? I'm not feeling very well, sir.
Will you excuse me? Shall I take those men's names, sir? Report them to their units? Leave them alone.
This is a great day in history.
The war is over.
We must not let discipline fall apart, sir, otherwise we shall have anarchy.
- Wake your ideas up! - (Soldier blows raspberry) I must say, you're a fine couple.
We've got peace at last.
Here am I on top of the world and there's Ashwood stuck in the bushes cos he can't take his liquor, and there's you like a dying duck in a thunderstorm.
What's the matter? Aren't you glad the war's over? Yes, sir, in a manner of speaking but they've won.
No, no, no.
We've won.
The Japs have signed a surrender.
I don't mean us, I mean the concert party's won.
I've been dying to get them into action against the Japanese.
Now they've beaten me.
It'll never happen.
I never did understand you, Sergeant Major.
Always obsessed with going into action.
It's my job, sir.
I'm a professional soldier.
Ah.
Feeling better, Ashwood? Yes, sir.
For the time being.
That's the last time I take you to a victory celebration party.
After the next war, I'll go alone.
- I think that's in very poor taste.
- Don't be so stuffy, Ashwood.
Come on, start up.
I can't wait to tell the chaps about the surrender.
- We shouldn't tell them, sir.
- What do you mean? They're sloppy as it is.
Discipline will go to pot.
They'll laugh in the face of authority and we shall be impudent.
What nonsense, Sergeant Major.
Come on, give it some stick.
All right, fellas.
A one, two, three.
On the good ship Lollipop It's a night trip, into bed you hop And dream away All right, move yourselves, move yourselves! Forget all about the good ship Lollipop.
Stand still.
Squad, 'shun! - The men are fallen in but I don't - Be quiet.
Stand them at ease.
- Stand at ease! - Chaps, I've got some wonderful news.
Yesterday, at 09:00 hours, on board the battleship SS Missouri, the Japanese surrendered unconditionally! (Cheering) Stand still! Stand still! - (Laughing) - Get back in your ranks! You are still in the army, you will not behave like hooligans.
Put your hat on straight.
All right, relax, Sergeant Major.
Now, I daresay you'd all like to celebrate.
I'm happy to be able to tell you Captain Ashwood and I have obtained five cans of beer, one tin of sliced peaches in heavy syrup two tins of evaporated milk and four bars of chocolate.
And to mark this occasion, you will all be given a 24-hour pass but, of course, there's nowhere to go.
On the other hand, you can sleep safely in your beds knowing there are no Japs around.
Does that mean we won't have to do guard duty? Course you has to stand guard.
This is a military outpost and while the flag is flying, there will be a guard on the gate.
Parades will be as usual, boots will be polished, cap badges will be shined and now there is no need for camouflage from the air, I wants all stones whitewashed until they is gleaming, gleaming, gleaming! Right, what time's the truck coming? Truck? What truck? The truck that's gonna take us to the boat.
- What the hell are you talking about? - The boat that's taking us home.
I've got to send a telegram to my agent.
I might be in time to book myself a pantomime.
Get fell in, Bombardier! You is not going nowhere, not never! I think you rather jumped the gun, there, Beaumont.
You've got a show to do tonight.
- Don't forget the new number, Gloria.
- That's right.
We'll give the boys a show to remember.
We'll put in all the best items.
What a night it'll be! We'll call it the Victory Gala Night.
Yes, and at the end we'll get the whole audience to stand and sing Land Of Hope And Glory.
# Land of the hope and the glory # Mother of the free # Nice hot cup of char, Sergeant Major sahib.
Thanks, Muhammad.
Why are you looking so unhappy, Sergeant Major sahib? Tonight we British should be very proud.
The war is over, we have beaten Japanese and now we can start to build brave new world with welfare state, isn't it? Do you know what the word frustration means, char wallah? Oh, yes.
It is what they do to pussy cats.
Frustration is when you is stopped from something you wanted to do.
Is this not what they do to pussy cats? I wanted to take that concert party into action against the Japs and while the war was on, there was a chance.
But now there's no hope.
Them poofs has beaten me.
They're very silly, you know.
Mm-hm.
They don't know what they missed.
Once they got the taste of danger, they'd have loved it, I know they would.
- And I could've shown them the way.
- (Vehicle pulling up) Who's that? They can't be back from the show already.
- Anyone about? - Over here, sir.
Ah, Sergeant Major.
My name's Parkinson, GHQ.
Have you got any water? My radiator's boiled up.
Certainly.
Char wallah.
- Do you fancy a cup of tea, sir? - Oh, thank you.
- And char.
- Let me know when we're ready to move.
- Gosh, what a day it's been.
- Never mind, sir.
Tomorrow we'll have them behaving like normal soldiers again.
I've been rushed off my feet.
There are odd little Japs popping out of the woodwork all over the place and I've been accepting their surrender.
Why did they pick on you, sir? I'm one of those rare birds who speaks Japanese.
Well, I expect the Japs will be glad it's all over, sir.
Some of them take a bit of convincing and it's a pretty bitter pill for them to swallow.
Quite a few would rather commit hara-kiri than surrender.
One of the little baskets thinks it's a trick.
He's dug in on an island up river and I can't make him listen to reason.
He just won't believe the war's over.
- Why not leave him to starve, sir? - He's got a clear line of fire.
None of our transport can get up or down the river.
Not only that, somebody might get hurt.
I'm just on my way to HQ to get some troops to flush him out.
Just about ready to go, sir.
Well, better be moving.
Just a moment, sir.
Did you say you wanted some men to flush this Jap out? That's right.
We can't parley with him any longer.
We shall have to use force.
There's no need to get any men from GHQ, sir.
It so happens I is in charge of the toughest jungle fighters between here and Kohima.
Where are they? - They're out doing a show, sir.
- Show? Showing the troops how to be jungle fighters.
They gives demonstrations.
- Who's their CO? - Colonel Reynolds, sir.
Tiger Reynolds.
Just his cup of tea, sir.
He's itching for a scrap and his second in command, Captain "Blood and Guts" Ashwood.
He's a lean, wiry intellectual, sir.
You know the type.
DH Lawrence of Arabia.
We'll do this for you, sir, and glad of the chance.
Well, that's a weight off my mind.
Corporal, get on the radio, tell HQ we shan't need any men after all.
Colonel Reynolds has volunteered for the task.
Very good, sir.
Now, here's the map.
I'll meet you and your men here on the river bank at 0800 hours tomorrow morning.
And, er, don't expect it to be easy.
The man's a fanatic.
We can handle him, sir.
I've done it.
I've done it! I got 'em.
- (Men) # me down and do it again! # - What a wonderful day, Ashwood! What on earth are you crying for, you silly arse? You should be happy.
- I am happy.
I'm thinking about Fiona.
- Who's Fiona? - My wife.
- Oh, yes, of course.
- She lives in Richmond.
- Well, that is rather sad, isn't it? Never mind.
Hooray! You know, tonight, I'm going to sleep the sleep of the just.
For the first time in years, I'll be secure in the knowledge that no one's going to drop a bomb on me or stick anything nasty into me.
- Whoopee! - Steady on, you fool! We'll come off the road.
You don't want to get killed now! Look out, here we are.
- (Men singing) - Listen, Sergeant Major sahib.
They're so happy.
Rolling over in the clover.
And just think.
Tomorrow they'll be crawling in the jungle.
Sahib, it will be a bitter blow when they find out they are going to be heroes.
Don't you breathe a word of this, char wallah.
I shall tell them in my own time and in my own way.
(Excited chatter) - Seriously, you'd have won the awards.
- No, no, no.
Oh, Sergeant Major! You should've come with us tonight.
It was marvellous.
It was the best show we've ever done.
When I did the number in my pink frock and I sang Mad About The Boy, I had to take two encores.
You should've seen my ventriloquist, sir.
I did the ABC drinking the glass of water four times! They asked me to do it again but I was in the bushes.
What about my strongman act? I tore two full telephone directories in half but they were still screaming for more so I started on the chairs! They went wild! 'Ey, if we hadn't have dragged him off, he'd have done the piano! I was still looking for a good finish so I tore up my trousers.
They wouldn't have noticed if I'd been playing in boxing gloves but I didn't care.
- I was euphoric.
- Euphoric, was you? Euphoric! My singing went quite well, an' all.
- Shut up.
- You should've been there.
At the end, we all sang Land Of Hope And Glory.
- All right, fellas.
Char all round, my treat.
- Thanks, Gloria.
This is the first night in two years I sleep peacefully in my bed.
No more Japs to worry about.
- Would you care to join us for a nightcap? - That's very kind of you, sir.
Ashwood, let's open that tin of football wafers, eh? Why not, sir? What the hell? When shall we have reveille tomorrow? Well, let's give the chaps a bit of a treat.
Shall we make it 10 o'clock? Is that all right with you, Sergeant Major? - We should make it a bit earlier, sir.
- Oh, really? Why? It has to be earlier if we're going to be there by 8 o'clock.
- Be where by 8 o'clock? - The river bank, sir.
There's a little job they wants us to do.
Who on earth wants a show at that time in the morning? The Japanese, sir.
They want us to do a show for the Japanese? Huh! I'll see them dead, first.
Funny you should say that, sir.
It could come to that in the end.
What on earth are you talking about? There's this fantastical Jap, sir.
He's holding out on an island and he won't give in.
He's making a laughing stock of us, so this Major Parkinson wanted somebody to sort him out and I volunteered on your behalf.
How dare you, Sergeant Major? Cancel it at once.
It's a bit late for that, sir, seeing as how he's already told GHQ that you, Colonel Reynolds, has volunteered.
I know I was taking a bit of a liberty, sir, but had you been here, I know that you would've volunteered, sir.
Well, yes.
In normal circumstances, yes, but the fact is, I've been having these headaches lately and this shoulder's been playing me up a bit and to lead an expedition like this in anything but tip-top condition, well, it wouldn't be fair on the men.
I'll do all the leading, sir.
- What are the men going to say? - Leave them to me, sir.
I will break it to them gently.
This is a disaster.
That's just what I was thinking, sir.
What on earth are we going to do? - Think, man, think.
- It's a bit of a tricky one, sir.
You're telling me.
Couldn't we pretend we didn't get the message? No, no.
The Sergeant Major would sneak on us.
Of course.
I've got it.
I've got it.
We kill the Sergeant Major.
Put his body in a sack, weigh it down with a rock and chuck him in the river.
You're on the right lines, Ashwood.
But I don't think we ought to go quite as far as murder.
Why not? It's him or us.
By George, I'm seeing a different side to you tonight.
I'm desperate when I'm roused.
All right, then, I'll tell you what we'll do.
Go to GHQ, find that major and talk him into taking you down to the river as soon as it's light.
When you get there, persuade that Jap the war is over and he's got to give in.
Tell him anything you like.
Offer him money.
By the time we get there at 8 o'clock, I want the whole thing cleared up.
- I don't think I can do that, sir.
- Yes, you can.
You're very persuasive.
- Not only that, it's an order.
- Yes, sir.
Right, now, what was the name of that Major? - I'll ask the Sergeant Major.
- No, no, no.
- It was something to do with humbugs.
- Humbugs.
- Major Humbug.
- No, no! Associated with humbugs.
- Mint.
Major Mint.
- No, no.
No? - Old-fashioned.
- Oh, heavens, no.
I've got it! Parkinson, Major Parkinson.
Right, off you go.
(Men shouting) - (Shouting stops) - What was that? I think the Sergeant Major has just broken it gently to the men.
See you on the river bank, 8 o'clock.
# When they sound the last all clear # How happy my darling will be # I think we should de-bus here, sir.
The river's about 50 yards ahead.
Yes, do that, Sergeant Major.
Right, lovely boys, out you get.
Keep your voices down and your heads lower still.
Form up this side.
Come on, Sugden.
All right.
Bombardier, where is you going? The enemy is over here.
I can't believe this.
I'll wake up in a minute.
(Williams) That'll be the one, sir.
- (Reynolds) It's very quiet.
- He's probably gone home.
Let us go home, eh? Shut up! (Graham) There's a Jap flag flying on a little pole.
(Mackintosh) He's still there, all right.
This is what I suggest, sir.
Gunner Atlas gives covering machine-gun fire from the flank.
We use the two-inch mortar to put our smoke grenades up-wind.
As soon as that drifts down, Clark, Graham, the Bombardier and myself swim across under the covering fire and we go in with the bayonet.
Any questions? Can we have a cup of tea, first? Shut up! There's only one thing.
Captain Ashwood should be here.
- Perhaps he's been delayed, sir.
- I've never known Ashwood late.
If he's says he's going to be somewhere at 8 o'clock, he's there.
According to my watch, it's 8 o'clock now.
(Ashwood) Hello? Anyone there? What did I tell you? Bang on time.
Hello, Ashwood! Where are you? - (Ashwood) I'm over here.
- Where? - On the island.
- Fantastic.
He's cleared the thing up.
Well done, Ashwood, you talked him into it.
Have you taken him prisoner? Not exactly, sir.
He said he was giving in and we came over to get him and it turned out he's an absolute fibber.
- Let's go ahead, sir.
- We can't.
We might kill Ashwood.
I'll soon show that Jap where he gets off.
Now listen here, you slant-eyed, thick-headed Nip! This is the British army you is dealing with and we has won and you has lost.
(Speaks Japanese) A thought has just occurred to me, sir.
He's probably a simple-minded peasant.
Most of these Japanese soldiers are.
If somebody very important told him that the war was over, then he might believe it.
"If somebody very important" It may have escaped your notice, but there's nobody very important here.
What are you driving at? Well, sir, we've still got all our costumes from last night on the truck.
- We might be able to fool him.
- You're right.
Bombardier, have you got a Japanese general's outfit? No, sir.
We've got Napoleon.
He might listen to him.
- He's dead.
- How about dressing up as Hitler? He's dead and all, you berk.
Is he? Nobody told me.
Wait a minute.
I've got it.
The Battle of Britain number.
How do I look? Great.
Come on, hurry up.
Off you go, Lofty.
Go on.
Do you know your piece? How did it go? "I have come" I have come in a very fast plane direct from London to inform you that the war is over.
(Mouths) And you've got to give up.
Do your gestures.
(Gunfire) Why did that upset him, Ashwood? I think he's a socialist.
For God's sake, do something to calm him down before he kills us.
- Quick, Bombardier, what have you got? - Let's think.
There's the Cockney number, cowboy, French, Dutch I've got it.
Paderewski, come with me.
Atlas, come on.
One, two (# Three Little Maids) Three little maids from school are we Pert as a school-girl well can be Filled to the brim with girlish glee Three little maids from school Three little maids who, all unwary come from a ladies' seminary Freed from its genius tutelary Three little maids from school, three little maids from school (Speaks Japanese) He likes it.
- He likes it! - Ha! We're making progress.
(Speaks Japanese) What did he say? Well, I don't know how to put this.
Stay where you are, chaps.
Do you think he wants an encore? I don't know quite how to put this, sir.
- He says he'll surrender.
- (Cheering) Congratulations! Well done, everyone! On one condition.
He wants the little one to come over and spend an hour of enchantment with him.
I see.
Now, Gunner Sugden, I wouldn't ask you to do anything I wouldn't do myself but unfortunately your costume wouldn't fit me.
- They can let it out.
- Shut up! You've got nothing to worry about, Lofty boy.
When you is crossing the river in the boat, I shall swim round behind and when you gets there, you will distract his attention and I'll grab him.
What happens if you're a bit late? Well, in that case, Lofty boy, when your children say to you, "What did you do in the war, Daddy?" You can say, "Wait till you grow up and I'll tell you.
" Meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you With music and laughter to help you on your way To raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey With songs and sketches and jokes old and new With us about, you won't feel blue So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you We are here to make you feel gay So give us a cheer with a hey, hey, hey Just gather around and put down your gun With us around, there's plenty of fun So meet the gang cos the boys are here The boys to entertain you B-O, B-O-Y-S Boys to entertain you! # Land of hope and glory # Mother of the free (Williams) Shut upl