Last Comic Standing (2003) s08e04 Episode Script
Semi-Final Day 1
Male narrator: Previously on Last Coming Standing Go fuck yourself.
Got him! [Gibbers.]
Tell it to my balls.
Narrator: We started with 100 of America's finest comedians who came to Hollywood with high hopes I wanna be a finalist.
I really came here to win.
Narrator: dreams Take me to dinner, Keenen.
Narrator: and they were ready for almost anything.
Do you smoke pot? I've never smoked pot in my life.
Well, you need to start smoking something.
Narrator: Tonight, we kick off the semifinals with the first of our two shows.
It's the semifinals, y'all.
Narrator: Of 28 comics who survived the invitational round, in the top ten The pressure is enormous.
Narrator: To help them prepare for battle, guest mentors Amy Schumer and Wanda Sykes will offer their comedy expertise - and career advice.
- Hey! Mostly we're just kinda helping them with their set, but this isn't for everyone and maybe you should just find a different path.
Narrator: Find out which comics will move one step closer to $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the coveted title of Last Comic Standing.
The first semifinals show starts right now.
[Cheers and applause.]
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the host of Last Comic Standing, JB Smoove.
Welcome to Last Comic Standing.
You feel that energy? It's the semifinals, y'all.
[Cheers and applause.]
In just a moment, hit the stage, each of them once, to make a leap into our final ten to compete for $250,000! [Cheers and applause.]
Whoo! But before we get to all that, let's say hello to our highly respected judges.
Give it up for Keenen Ivory Wayans! Russell Peters, baby.
Finally, Roseanne in the building.
Let's get this party started with our first comic, y'all.
Take a look at Jimmy Shubert.
Jimmy went over to the Jon Lovitz comedy club at Universal City Walk to meet Amy Schumer and Wanda Sykes.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Jimmy is a veteran comic hoping to become a household name.
Celery? That's not food.
That's dental floss trapped inside a carbohydrate.
Let's see what advice Wanda and Amy have for Jimmy.
You just came out there and slayed.
It was good.
The crowd was great.
It was amazing.
Only thing I noticed-- one of the judges said that there was just one little hiccup in your set.
You seemed to get lost.
When I saw that minute, saw that 30.
Ah, oh, the clock.
Well, let's take a look at it.
Yeah.
I've been doing a lot of flying.
It's tough to eat healthy when you're flying, you know? I was, uh That was such a good face you made.
Is that what it was? Yeah, that's exactly what it was.
We saw you see the clock, yeah.
You see me look at the clock.
"Gah, 30 seconds.
" - [Laughter.]
- I would think, for you, the biggest struggle would be that you're used to these long sets where, you know, you have all this time, and now it's like-- almost like sound bites.
Yeah.
You want to show us a little bit or Sure.
How much ever you want to show us-- - Sure, yeah, absolutely.
- You'll never forget this.
I've always been open to criticism or advice from other working professionals, because they get it.
They've done it.
So I have an epileptic seizure next to a cat.
He'll walk away like he doesn't know you and jump on the internet, start selling your stuff.
He'll steal your identity, order 900 cans of premium tuna on your debit card, and wake you up and blame it on the dog.
That part kind of-- it took a little dip.
It took a little dip there.
So if you want to lift that and bring the other stuff closer Okay, yeah.
I think I'll do that.
Then, yeah.
Just slow down a little bit.
Wanda and Amy thought the set might be a little long, and they were right.
So I cut a couple things out, slowed down a little bit.
I took my time.
Boom.
Give it up for Jimmy Shubert.
[Cheers and applause.]
I have been flying a lot.
Or, as I like to call it, being stuck in a psych ward at 30,000 feet.
What the hell is wrong with people? My last flight, this woman gets on the plane with a cat.
And the cat has this little orange vest on it that says, "Therapy Cat.
" I don't know what that is.
I've never seen one before.
I'm going, is that where we're at as a species? "I can't get through my day without my therapy cat.
He calms me down.
" Yeah, I get it, lady.
Being a grown-up sucks.
You don't think we all want something furry to pet when things get hairy? But you're on an airplane, you lunatic, and if the nine prescription pill bottles in your purse ain't getting you there, I hardly think the therapy cat's gonna take you over the top.
Look [Laughter and applause.]
I love animals, but I would never drag one onto an airplane.
We're talking about-- A cat freaks out over a vacuum cleaner.
How the hell you think he's gonna handle a 747? And sure enough, the plane takes off, the cabin decompresses, that poor cat starts freaking out.
[Hissing.]
I'm going, "Hey, lady, I don't know how to tell you this, but your therapy cat's having a nervous breakdown.
" Oh.
And does this mean next time I fly, I can bring my companion, Drinky-Time Squirrel? Yeah, he keeps me company so I don't have to drink alone.
I mean, he doesn't have a vest, but he is wearing a tank top that says "Spring Break '98.
" Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
You guys are wonderful.
Thank you.
- Jimmy Shubert! - Thank you.
[Cheers and applause.]
Keenen, critique.
You don't tell conventional jokes.
- Yeah.
- You're a guy who comes out and just rants about the world.
And-- No, it's great.
And we all sit, and we all laughed, which is great.
It was fun.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Completely original.
You had total control, total confidence.
You sold that point of view.
I really love your writing.
It was fantastic.
Your callbacks, the way you unfolded your set, is perfection.
Congratulations.
Thank you very much.
Jimmy, watching you is like watching Tyson in his prime, where he would just come out and just beat the hell out of you until you fell down.
It's a beautiful thing to be that in the moment and be able to take us and abuse us the way you do.
[Laughter.]
Whoo! Thank you, guys.
Thank you so much.
One more time for Jimmy Shubert.
[Cheers and applause.]
It went good.
It's like having a tremendous weight lifted off of you.
You know, you've made it into the top.
Now this is for a spot in the-- to become a finalist.
So there's a lot more pressure on it.
Okay, let's get to our next comic.
Here's Mike Vecchione.
Mike Vecchione says he has the look of a racist cop, but his jokes do not discriminate.
Just once I would like a cop to stop me, come to my window, be like, "Do you know why I pulled you over? "Back there, when you made that right turn? You nailed it.
Great job, dude.
" Let's check out what ideas Wanda and Amy have for Mike.
You want to show us a little bit of what you're gonna do? - Sure.
- All right.
Now, do I have to do the whole set, or Do whatever you want help with, I mean-- Yeah.
You know, I did this.
I went through this process.
I know.
So if I could, like, help at all Okay, just stop me anytime.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Anybody who can offer me any kind of advice or guidance, I'm open to, because my goal is to win the competition.
I would like to make an argument for the husky fit, ladies.
We're perfect.
I'm not so fat that I can't run away from danger.
I can.
I'm mobile.
But I have enough meat on my bones that if we're ever trapped in a elevator together, I will not have to eat your foot immediately.
Uh, 'cause I have reserves.
Shredded guys have no reserves.
You have so many funny, like, tags and things you're used to doing in longer sets, but I would-- Because you're gonna get a big laugh, just be ready to throw them away.
I got you.
It was super cool being mentored by Wanda and Amy.
They basically said to boil it down and to use laser-like focus to present myself in the best way possible.
That's really what I'm going with.
Mike Vecchione! [Cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
I got a fresh haircut for the show tonight.
I said to the barber, "Go somewhere between New Jersey wedding DJ and Department of Homeland Security.
" 'Cause I want you guys to be entertained, but I want you to feel safe.
Safety is my priority up here.
Safety is my priority.
You know what's not safe? These fathers walking around with babies in pouches attached to the fronts of their bodies.
It's the cockiest thing I've ever seen in my life.
That says, "Look, I get women pregnant, I make them have the baby, then I wear the baby as jewelry.
" [Laughter and applause.]
So I saw a guy.
I said, "Sir, baby in a pouch, not safe.
I'm a volunteer firefighter.
Please remove the baby.
" He said, "I'm a firefighter.
I'm an actual firefighter.
Why don't you get out of my face?" I said, "Dude, maybe you didn't hear me.
I'm a volunteer firefighter.
That means I can do your entire job in my spare time.
" [Laughter and applause.]
I'm single.
My roommate gets tons of chicks.
He's tall.
That matters-- tall.
And he has the perfect combination of factors.
Nonthreatening baby face-- you can trust me.
Shredded body-- I will protect you.
I'm not bad-looking, but I have the complete opposite thing happening.
I have what I like to call "ultimate fighter head" [Laughter.]
with a "let's go get frozen yogurt" torso.
Right? [Laughter and applause.]
Thank you so much, guys.
That's my time.
Appreciate it.
That's Mike Vecchione.
Mike, I love your rhythm.
I love your writing.
You're a funny guy.
Last time what you had that was missing this time was the swag, you know? And it probably was having to top yourself, you know? Right.
But keep doing your thing.
You're funny guy.
I appreciate it.
Thank you.
Well, I love you.
And you had such a great set last time.
You know, it went down a little bit, but, you know, I still very much enjoyed it.
Thank you.
Mike, you had some great jokes.
The baby bjorn equals jewelry was hilarious in my eyes, 'cause I've often thought that, but I never knew how to articulate that.
And that's one of those things.
And UFC head-- you do have a UFC head.
[Laughter.]
- So great job.
- Thank you.
Give it up over here for Mike Vecchione.
[Cheers and applause.]
Narrator: Coming up, how to avoid a paternity test 'Cause women'll try to trick you into raising their kids.
They say stuff like, "All they need is a father figure.
" I'm like, "Well, figure out who their father is then.
" Narrator: And later, Keenen gets his comeuppance.
You gotta tone it down.
You can't judge looking like that.
What's wrong with you? Narrator: And then Joe Machi closes the show on a positive note.
most of your life was having kids then watching them die.
[Laughter.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to the Last Comic Standing semifinals.
Tonight, the comics are battling for a spot in our top ten.
[Cheers and applause.]
Let's keep this comedy coming with our next comic.
Karlous Miller is the former firefighter from Mississippi who lit it up in his first performance.
I love a woman who got all ten toes pretty.
You ever seen the chick-- she got eight pretty toes and that little one look like a smoked cigarette? Let's find out if Wanda and Amy can help this confident comic torch the competition.
You've built a great set, and the way you closed was-- Did you close with the joke about the homeless guy? I don't remember.
I don't rehearse all of this, and I don't know exactly what I said and all that.
What do you mean, you don't rehearse this? You're a comic.
Don't you do a set-- It's not like I'm sitting at home like-- That's not how I roll.
How do you roll? Like I go up there and be funny.
Well, why don't you roll after rehearsing it so that you can roll in a nicer car? My only strategy to win is to just be funnier than everybody else.
I saw a AIDS commercial the other day that said, "One in three black people have AIDS.
" I was sitting on the couch with my girl like, "There's two people on the couch.
Oh, my God.
Somebody in this house sick and won't say nothing.
" What do you call a lesbian in Alaska? What? CENSORED No? Too hard? Mm, we're gonna pass on that one.
Yeah.
I got a snickers joke.
Us getting up means you're leaving.
Yes, this-- It's time.
[Laughs.]
I got to talk to Wanda and Amy.
You can't even put a price on that, because you can't get that nowhere else but the Last Comic Standing.
Whoop it up for my man Karlous Miller.
[Cheers and applause.]
White people, white people, what's up? We out here.
I like white people 'cause it's easy to tell when white people like you.
It's only one word that white people use when they like you.
Cool.
If you show up with somebody they don't know, they be like, "Dude, come here.
Is he cool? He's cool? Everybody's cool.
It's cool.
Cool.
We're cool.
It's cool.
It's fine.
Turn up the party.
" This is a nice group of people.
I like this.
I like California 'cause you can get under the influence and it's legal.
It's legal.
Yeah, it's-- I got pulled over under the influence.
The officer said, "Mr.
Miller, you have any idea how fast you were going?" I said, "Look, Officer, I was going at least 80 or 90.
" He said, "I clocked you doing 15.
" My homeboy, he's so messed up, he trying to hide behind his seat belt on the other side.
We had two white girls in the car with us, so we was already looking at possession with intent.
[Laughter and applause.]
It's hard out here, 'cause women'll try to trick you into raising their kids.
They say stuff like, "All they need is a father figure.
" I'm like, "Well, figure out who their father is then.
" [Laughter and applause.]
I like it out here 'cause I like y'all homeless people.
Y'all got some very entertaining homeless people.
I went to the gas station the other day.
I gave a dude $2.
00.
He gave me a nickname.
I came out the store, he was like, "Baby Bird.
Baby Bird.
Baby Bird.
Baby Bird.
Baby Bird.
" He was running other homeless people away from me.
"You better get away from Baby Bird.
I know that.
That's my nephew.
Baby Bird, your mom and daddy still go together?" I was like, "What?" Hey, thank y'all.
I'm Karlous.
Appreciate it.
[Cheers and applause.]
That's Karlous Miller.
When you're in the zone, you're really in there.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You let it slip out of there a couple of times though.
Yeah.
But you brought it back.
I loved it.
Roseanne, thank you.
Ugh! JB, you don't know! I grew up watching Roseanne.
Had a crush on Darlene and everything.
That's what it's all about, baby.
[Laughter.]
Baby Bird.
You said a lot of things, and they were all funny, and you took it to the line.
So great job.
Yeah! Karlous, you are a comedian.
Like, just natural-born funny guy who can pretty much say and do anything [Cheers and applause.]
and the audience is gonna love you.
And I love the way you command the stage.
You move.
You animate.
I enjoy watching you.
Good job.
Thank you.
Karlous Miller! [Cheers and applause.]
It feels amazing to be in the semifinals.
It's a privilege to be here with all the other amazing comics, so I'm super excited and super pumped.
[Cheers and applause.]
Having a mom that's lesbian is awesome.
She's the best mom ever.
She's perfect.
She's amazing.
But growing up, I always felt that she kind of desperately wanted a gay kid.
Like, she was kind of the opposite of, like, the really homophobic parent that's like, "Are you straight? You're straight?" Like, she was like, "Are you gay? Maybe? Like, a little bit? Like, are you gay?" I'd be like, "Nah, I'm not.
" She's like, "You're really good at dancing, Tommy.
You're really good at dancing.
" "I know, but I'm not gay.
" She'd be like, "You were in that musical.
" I was in one musical one time.
One time.
I was really good though.
I was Seymour Krelborn, Little Shop Of Horrors.
Pretty much born for it.
It was really-- really spectacular.
Yeah.
And she's like, "Are you sure you're not gay?" I'm like, "I like women, just like you.
You like women.
Dad likes women.
Like, this is 100% women-loving family.
That's just math.
That's just how it works.
" Fun for me now is sitting at home on a couch in my fat-girl sweatpants.
[Women cheering.]
Yes, ladies, it doesn't matter what size you are.
Every woman owns a pair of fat-girl sweatpants, and they all look the same.
There's no elastic in the waist, so whenever you walk, you have to lift it up with every step.
Guys, you don't see these sweatpants until it's too far into your relationship, right? Ladies, there's a checklist of things that need to happen before you break out the sweatpants.
Like, "Oh, he cried in front of me.
Check.
I caught him sucking his thumb.
Check.
He asked me to spoon him.
Check.
" I'm not gay.
I do like the ladies.
Which is weird, 'cause when I was a kid, I hated girls.
When I was, like, six years old, I thought girls were gross, thought they were dumb.
You know, you're allowed to hate girls as a kid, but that's really the only group a kid's allowed to hate.
'Cause if I was a six-year-old that hated Puerto Ricans? That would be weird.
You know, if I was like, "Hey, mom, I hate Puerto Ricans," she would never say, "Oh, you'll like them one day.
You'll like them a lot.
" Yes.
Are there any Puerto Ricans here? [Scattered cheers.]
All right, too many.
I, uh [Laughter.]
Just kidding.
These are all jokes.
Jokes.
Take it easy.
Look, I live in New York City, all right? If I was racist [Chuckles.]
I would be exhausted, so Let's all have a good time.
I am supposed to be real country, y'all.
I was born on my grandparent's farm in Georgia, delivered by a midwife named Slappy Mae.
[Laughter.]
That's embarrassing.
I asked my grandma-- I said, "What happened?" She said, "Baby, we lived too far out in the country.
We couldn't get your mom into town quick enough, so I had to call my good old friend who lived in the woods.
" I don't think she meant she called her on the phone either.
I think my grandma meant she call her, like, from the front porch.
Like, "Hey, Slappy Mae!" My husband, he's a high school history and geography teacher.
He came home one day.
He was like, "Babe, did you know that the hippopotamus is responsible for a lot of deaths in Africa?" [Laughter.]
I said, "No.
I heard about that HIV, but I didn't hear about that hippopotamus just whuppin' ass all over Africa.
" He said, "Yeah.
If you're ever in the way of a hippopotamus, you better get out the way.
That thing will kill you.
" When am I ever gonna in the way of a hippopotamus? Will I be at the ATM machine, just trying to get my money out? All of a sudden [Laughter and applause.]
"Is that a hippopotamus? Fast cash, no receipt.
" Thank you, I'm Tracey Ashley.
That's Tracey Ashley! The Slappy Mae is hilarious.
I want to see Slappy Mae delivering you, I mean Okay.
[Laughs.]
I would like to have seen more of that kind of material for this set, but it was fun watching you.
Tracey Ashley! Narrator: Coming up, Roseanne makes a bold prediction.
I think you could take it all.
- Congratulations.
- Oh, wow.
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back.
Right now, let's take a look at another one of those mentoring sessions.
Aida Rodriguez is the sharp-tongued single mom who impressed the judges with her jokes and her beauty.
I have a 17-year-old daughter.
She told me she had a bully.
I said, "What you have is a year to 'do something' about it before it's a felony.
" Let's see if Wanda and Amy have any words of wisdom for a fellow female.
How long have you been doing stand-up? Six years.
Ah, okay.
Okay, so You just diagnosed me.
You was like, "Ah, okay.
" No, I said that to go, "Oh, wow.
Okay, for six years" That's great, yeah.
That's great.
Nobody better to give me notes than females who push the envelope.
So it's good for me.
Now, here's the thing.
You're a beautiful woman.
And I think it was Keenen said that that can be distracting to an audience.
Right.
Let's take a look here.
Your presentation, tone it down a little.
You never want your beauty to work against you.
- I disagree with that.
- Uh-huh.
Don't tone yourself down.
You got to be the most yourself ever on this show.
Let that fuel you to be like, "This is my moment.
I'm gonna be myself.
" And just go out hard and sell it.
I went in as raw as possible because I wanted to get feedback on what I had.
Girl, my mom loves those highlights.
Maybe a little more confidence.
Yeah.
Like, sell those jokes.
They wanted me to really be confident, let it rip.
And it helped.
It really helped.
Give it up for Aida Rodriguez.
[Cheers and applause.]
Whoo, I'm from Puerto Rico.
Yes.
Which means I'm a black person that speaks Spanish or a Mexican with papers-- whatever you want to call me.
Like my kids, I got a crazy mother.
My mother is fluent in English and never speaks English around people that speak English.
You know this lady? I would bring her home, and she'd be like [Speaking Spanish stridently.]
You brought that bitch to my home? And I got to be like, "ooh, girl, my mom loves your highlights.
Whoo, you hot.
" [Speaking Spanish stridently.]
Get that bitch out! Yeck! [Speaking Spanish stridently.]
I don't want to eat with that bitch.
I'd be like, "go wash up.
That's how we pray in this house.
We-- Yeah.
Let's go.
" I'm crazy just like her, and I don't pretend to be normal to get a man, ladies.
I don't do that.
I show up crazy.
I let them know who I am.
I'm like, "How you doing? My name is Aida, I check cell phones, I crack Facebook codes, and I do a mean surveillance.
" [Cheers and applause.]
Yes.
Free yourselves.
I go on my first date and his phone rings, I'm like, "Who the hell is calling you at 5:43 PM? You going to the bathroom? Slide me that phone, player.
Let me get that phone.
" Yes.
You know, as a single mom, I can no longer afford to date a man that doesn't have his life together.
That's what made me a single mom in the first place.
And my friends that don't have kids, they judge me all the time.
They always say, "I would never date a man for money.
" I'm like, "Really? You do it for low self-esteem and chlamydia all the time.
Your perspective is wrong.
" Thank you.
That's my time.
[Cheers and applause.]
Aida Rodriguez! Well, Aida, I gave you a note last time, and you took that note, and you toned it down, which is really good.
Thank you.
And in listening to you the second time, I'm more impressed with your edge than I was the first time.
You're a truth serum.
You come out here, and you don't hold nothing back.
- I love it.
- Thank you.
- Can I say something to you? - Yes.
You got to tone it down.
You can't judge looking like that.
What's wrong with you? [Laughter.]
I'm like, "Oh, man.
" I'm just gonna hand you my cell phone right now.
We'll get that out of the way.
Aida, you know, owning your own crazy and knowing you and knowing that you are crazy is-- it's hilarious when you take control of whatever you think is wrong with you and you make us laugh at it.
And you made me really laugh today.
Good job.
Thank you, Russell.
Well, you're completely fearless.
Your material is fantastic, original.
I've never heard anything like it, never seen anything like it.
I think you could take it all.
Congratulations.
Oh, wow.
One more time for the tall Aida Rodriguez.
[Cheers and applause.]
Roseanne told me she thought I could win it all.
Just to know that she thinks that I'm worthy of that is an honor.
We're at the point now where everybody's good here.
Yeah.
First it was 100.
We're at 28.
Now you're in a tighter group.
It's a little more fierce right now.
So, you know, it's not where you go, "We have all these spots.
" Now it's like, "You know what? This is, like, really, the top, top, top, and we got to fight to get in that final.
" I sweat-- I sweat underneath my breasts, which is awkward, 'cause I have to put baby powder there.
I was making out with this guy a couple weeks ago.
He lifts up my breasts, and all these powder crumbs come falling out on my couch.
It looked like I was smuggling cocaine, okay? I was super embarrassed.
I didn't want him to think it was cocaine, I didn't want him to think it was powder.
But I was like, "You know what, I'll just bag it up and try to sell it to him for $20.
" Some days my daughter will update her status then like her own updates.
You ever see that? "Some days are better than others.
" Then she likes it.
What, are you talking to yourself? You don't need to like your own stuff.
Why bother with Facebook? Just say stuff to yourself in your room.
"Meatballs are good.
" This song is so universal.
I could dedicate this song to the whole entire world.
The main thing is, like, you have to speak English.
- Um - [Laughter.]
[Light ukulele music playing.]
everyone, young and old all colors are beautiful we've all got a heart and a soul and we're all here to die we're gonna die we're gonna die we're gonna kick the bucket we're gonna buy the farm and you're gonna die and you're gonna die and your mom's gonna die Sorry if she's already dead.
die, die, die-die-die-die die, die-die-die-die [Growling.]
die, die, die, die die, die, die, die I'm done watching horror movies.
I can't stand them anymore, right? Especially these found footages ones.
They're terrible, right? They make you scare yourself.
They're so bad.
They do.
You just sit there in the theater.
You just sit there for 25 minutes, just [Gasps.]
"That curtain.
Did that curtain move? I think that curtain moved.
Did that curtain move?" That's it for 25 minutes until the ghost is like, "I hate this chair.
" Like, that's all that happens.
Ghost walks around.
"Eh, screw this lamp.
" That's it.
It's just a pissed off interior decorator the whole time.
You know what, it's not even horror movies that scare me.
It's afterwards that scares me, right? Like, walking to your car in the parking lot.
That's the scary part.
Isn't it? When you leave the theater, you're like, "Oh, no.
Why did I park so far?" If I'm on a date, I'll tell the chick, "I bought the tickets.
You go get the car.
" I'll tell her.
Thank you, guys.
Nick Guerra! You were competing against yourself last time.
And last time, it was, like, so huge and so big.
And I feel-- you know, I still think you did great, and I like you, but I feel a little bit let down from your last time, you know? I'll do it the next round.
I'll do it the next round.
[Laughs.]
Thank you.
Narrator: Coming up, a comic discusses a different type of planned parenthood.
My school was so bad, we had drug-dealing pregnant girls that ran gangs.
Welcome back.
Welcome back.
Okay.
Our next comic is ready to take the stage.
Monroe Martin took a unfunny childhood and made it hilarious in his Last Comic Standing debut.
Foster care is a program where they take children from homes where they're being abused and neglected.
They take them out of that environment and place them in the same exact environment.
Let's see what advice Wanda and Amy have for him.
- You're so funny, man.
- Oh, thank you.
Had a great set.
Judges loved you.
One bit of constructive criticism.
There were some opportunities for you to animate your jokes, add some physicality, and here's an example.
I just learned that my foster mom made $750 a month just to take care of me.
If I would've known that as a kid, she would have never been able to punish me.
It's like, "Monroe, you've been acting up in school.
You can't watch TV for a week.
" Said, "I can't watch TV? Woman, I pay the cable bill.
" I know what Keenen wants.
They want to see you-- maybe a little more movement or Yeah, you know what, after you said, "The cable bill," you kind of smiled and let go of it.
You could stay there longer.
People will laugh, 'cause they love you.
They want to-- They're interested in you.
Okay.
My biggest weakness in this competition? It has to be the performance.
You gonna do great.
I think you're good.
I got to make sure that I'm better than the last time those judges see me.
Give it up for Monroe Martin, y'all! [Cheers and applause.]
Monroe! I used to be a tutor in a high school.
I wasn't even smart enough to be working with kids.
Like, if I didn't know a answer to one of their questions, I just made them look within themselves.
It works.
Kid'll come to me, "Mr.
Martin, can you help me solve this equation? I got to solve for X.
" I'm like, "Come on, Jamal.
You know this.
" [Laughter and applause.]
"It's in here.
" I went to a terrible high school.
I went to Martin Luther King high school.
[Scattered cheers.]
Yeah, my school was definitely not his dream.
[Laughter.]
My school was documentary bad.
You know how bad you got to be to make it to the movies? Every time you see a school in a documentary, they have three main ingredients that helped them make it there.
They got drug dealers, gangs, and pregnant girls.
My school was so bad, we had drug-dealing pregnant girls that ran gangs.
[Laughter and applause.]
I had to see a tutor when I was younger because I have ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder.
Attention deficit is not a disorder.
It's an ability.
[Laughter.]
Whoo! [Cheers and applause.]
That just means I can do two things at the same exact time.
I could do my math and play with those squirrels outside the window.
Never send a kid with ADD to speak to a therapist, because when you ask them what's on their mind, you're gonna get a dumb answer every single time.
My therapist would try to get in my head.
She'd be like, "Monroe, you have to open up.
Tell me what you're thinking about.
" "Dragons.
" [Laughter.]
"By 'Dragon,' do you mean you feel like a outcast amongst your peers?" "No, I just want to fly around and scare the hell out of Chinese people.
" Y'all been nice.
My name is Monroe Martin.
[Cheers and applause.]
Monroe Martin! Roseanne, let's talk about Monroe Martin.
I thought you topped yourself from last time.
Good job on that.
Thank you.
It's very well crafted.
You're a good writer.
And I liked that you-- explaining a little bit more about yourself.
And I liked it.
You're funny.
I love you.
Thank you.
Monroe, your material, like Roseanne said, this time you gave us the lighter side, which was just as much fun as the other side of you.
And you're a great writer.
My only note to you is, energy.
Your material is so funny, and there's so much energy under what you're saying.
Just a raise in your voice and a movement onstage would take you to a whole another level.
You got all the chops, man.
You're good.
It was a great set.
When you said MLK high school, we knew exactly what you meant.
And I liked the fact that you took all the elements of a bad school and put it into one person.
Good job, Monroe.
Thank you.
That's Monroe damn Martin right there.
I want to be a part of the finals badly, 'cause I just want to keep being on TV.
That's it.
Just want to make it as far as possible so I can keep seeing my face and brag to everybody.
Narrator: Coming up, a tragic event affected by pizza.
I ordered a pizza, and on the box, it said "9/11.
Never Forget.
" Then I realized they forgot my breadsticks.
Narrator: And later, find out which comics are advancing to the top ten.
Okay, and the first spot is We are back.
Okay, let's get to our next comic, Joe Machi.
Joe Machi is the edgy but unassuming eccentric who joked about his unusual password.
That is why I think there's only one good use for the N word.
That is for my bank password.
Let's see if Wanda and Amy have any advice that Joe can take to the bank.
The judges love you.
Oh, thank you.
Some nights it's just your night.
It doesn't mean I'm any better than the other comedians.
Sometimes it just-- you just hit.
Yeah, I think, like, that is not true, what you just said.
[Laughs.]
I think you've done all the work.
I know you from New York for years, and you're such a hard worker.
You're such a killer.
Yeah, it's definitely not luck.
You put in the work.
You constructed a great set.
Even when things go well, I'm like, "Yeah, well, I still have work to do.
" And that's a good thing for a comedian, 'cause that makes you self-aware and you keep working hard.
The only criticism that I have is, next time, when you come out, hit your mark.
[Laughter.]
I-- - Yeah, that's important.
- Look what you did.
- Oh, here.
- Oh, yeah.
See? Here we go.
Yeah, you're supposed to start in the center there, and you kind of ran out.
I tend to get very nervous at times.
Really? You seem super - Calm.
- Chill.
It feels like I'm on the right track, just the fact that they're even paying attention to me.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
Oh, thank you, man.
Joe Machi! [Cheers and applause.]
Say, everybody.
My married couple of friends said, "Joe, we don't want to bring a child into the world the way the world is now.
" And I'm like, "What do mean, 'The way the world is now'? The best it's ever been in history?" people were having 15 kids.
Most of them would die.
Most of your life was having kids then watching them die.
Then you would die of something they prevent now by washing your hands.
I'm not even sure why being a doctor was an actual job.
At best they could do was tell you the name of what you had.
"Joe, you've got tuberculosis.
Lie down in a room full of people with tuberculosis.
" "Joe, your arm's infected.
We'll cut it off although the stump will also get infected.
We'll keep cutting that stump shorter until you're dead.
" [Laughter and applause.]
"Like your kids.
" I ordered a pizza and on the box, it said "9/11.
Never Forget.
" And forgive me for being preachy for just a moment, but I think that's just what the terrorists would want, for us to continue to be sad remembering that terrible day.
Then I realized they forgot my breadsticks.
[Laughter and applause.]
How about never forgetting my breadsticks? Put that on the box.
Thank you, everyone.
[Cheers and applause.]
Joe Machi! You know, Joe, I love you.
I think that you're fantastic.
You're different.
You're unique.
Your writing is-- it's just great.
Congratulations, you killed.
Oh, I appreciate it.
Thank you very much, Roseanne.
I really appreciate it.
Joe, you know, I watch you, and I keep waiting for you to just go, "I'm just kidding.
" [Laughter.]
I love that this is you.
So I thought you did a great job.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
I've always said that you can get away with anything as long as you smile, and you know that trick already.
'Cause you said something very edgy, made us all uncomfortable, and then you just gave us a and that-- it just took our guard down.
We're like, "whatever you want to say is fine now.
" And I mean, Joe, you're one of the guys who've I've been quoting to my friends even lately.
So you had a great set, and I loved watching you.
Oh, I appreciate that.
That's the best compliment a comedian can get.
Thank you, everybody.
I really appreciate it.
That's Joe Machi! Thank you, everybody.
Appreciate it.
Joe! [Cheers and applause.]
Will your favorites get picked? I don't know, but those judges do.
So come on back and see who makes the cut.
We'll return with more Last Comic Standing, baby.
What do you think on this one? Well, I mean, this guy, of course.
Yeah, that guy, definitely.
I think she's great.
Be great in a sitcom.
That's what I kept thinking too actually.
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to part one of our semifinals.
We just watched perform their hearts out.
[Cheers and applause.]
Now it's time to find out which comics move one step closer to winning the coveted title of Last Comic Standing.
[Dramatic music.]
Comics, when I call your name, please step forward.
Okay, and the first spot in our top ten is Monroe Martin! [Cheers and applause.]
My head hurts 'cause I'm very excited.
So I got a headache 'cause I don't know what to do.
But I feel good.
The name of the next comic moving on Joe Machi, baby.
- Joe! - I feel pretty good now.
I threw up after, 'cause it's a lot of stress.
But all in all, I'm happy I get to keep going.
Karlous Miller! I'm not surprised.
It just feels right.
Got emotional.
Wish my mom could see me right now.
Aida Rodriguez.
I'm very excited to advance.
These are the moments when those gigs where you get paid chicken nuggets for your set-- these are the moments that say, hey, all my hard work just paid off.
So here's where we are.
[Dramatic music.]
The comic grabbing the last spot from tonight's show and moving on to the top ten is Jimmy Shubert! [Cheers and applause.]
I was the last one they called.
I was starting to get a little worried there.
I mean, I'm still in a little shock.
It hasn't sunken in yet.
It's awesome.
I'm super excited.
These comics from tonight's semifinals show have claimed the first five spots in the top ten.
Who will be next to join them? Come back next week for the second part of Last Comic Standing's semifinals.
And there you have it.
[Cheers and applause.]
We'll see you next week, baby! Narrator: Next week on the second of our semifinals shows, for the final five spots in the top ten.
It feels great to be in the semifinals, you know? I got a pedicure and a Brazilian, so I hope I didn't do all that for nothing.
Narrator: Wanda Sykes returns to mentor the comics.
How do you feel about rape? Uh, I don't care for it.
I-- [Laughing.]
Narrator: And later, the competition shifts gears as they enter the challenge round.
Celebrity mentors will guide our top ten through a series of surprise challenges that will put their comedic skills to the test.
Welcome, everybody, to the Last Comic Standing roast.
You will be a tour guide at Universal Studios.
Narrator: Then they'll face off in head-to-head showdowns.
Two comics will walk out on this stage and perform.
The judges will pick the winner.
The other comic will have to go home.
Narrator: So tune in and find out who will move one step closer to the title of Last Comic Standing.
Got him! [Gibbers.]
Tell it to my balls.
Narrator: We started with 100 of America's finest comedians who came to Hollywood with high hopes I wanna be a finalist.
I really came here to win.
Narrator: dreams Take me to dinner, Keenen.
Narrator: and they were ready for almost anything.
Do you smoke pot? I've never smoked pot in my life.
Well, you need to start smoking something.
Narrator: Tonight, we kick off the semifinals with the first of our two shows.
It's the semifinals, y'all.
Narrator: Of 28 comics who survived the invitational round, in the top ten The pressure is enormous.
Narrator: To help them prepare for battle, guest mentors Amy Schumer and Wanda Sykes will offer their comedy expertise - and career advice.
- Hey! Mostly we're just kinda helping them with their set, but this isn't for everyone and maybe you should just find a different path.
Narrator: Find out which comics will move one step closer to $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the coveted title of Last Comic Standing.
The first semifinals show starts right now.
[Cheers and applause.]
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the host of Last Comic Standing, JB Smoove.
Welcome to Last Comic Standing.
You feel that energy? It's the semifinals, y'all.
[Cheers and applause.]
In just a moment, hit the stage, each of them once, to make a leap into our final ten to compete for $250,000! [Cheers and applause.]
Whoo! But before we get to all that, let's say hello to our highly respected judges.
Give it up for Keenen Ivory Wayans! Russell Peters, baby.
Finally, Roseanne in the building.
Let's get this party started with our first comic, y'all.
Take a look at Jimmy Shubert.
Jimmy went over to the Jon Lovitz comedy club at Universal City Walk to meet Amy Schumer and Wanda Sykes.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Jimmy is a veteran comic hoping to become a household name.
Celery? That's not food.
That's dental floss trapped inside a carbohydrate.
Let's see what advice Wanda and Amy have for Jimmy.
You just came out there and slayed.
It was good.
The crowd was great.
It was amazing.
Only thing I noticed-- one of the judges said that there was just one little hiccup in your set.
You seemed to get lost.
When I saw that minute, saw that 30.
Ah, oh, the clock.
Well, let's take a look at it.
Yeah.
I've been doing a lot of flying.
It's tough to eat healthy when you're flying, you know? I was, uh That was such a good face you made.
Is that what it was? Yeah, that's exactly what it was.
We saw you see the clock, yeah.
You see me look at the clock.
"Gah, 30 seconds.
" - [Laughter.]
- I would think, for you, the biggest struggle would be that you're used to these long sets where, you know, you have all this time, and now it's like-- almost like sound bites.
Yeah.
You want to show us a little bit or Sure.
How much ever you want to show us-- - Sure, yeah, absolutely.
- You'll never forget this.
I've always been open to criticism or advice from other working professionals, because they get it.
They've done it.
So I have an epileptic seizure next to a cat.
He'll walk away like he doesn't know you and jump on the internet, start selling your stuff.
He'll steal your identity, order 900 cans of premium tuna on your debit card, and wake you up and blame it on the dog.
That part kind of-- it took a little dip.
It took a little dip there.
So if you want to lift that and bring the other stuff closer Okay, yeah.
I think I'll do that.
Then, yeah.
Just slow down a little bit.
Wanda and Amy thought the set might be a little long, and they were right.
So I cut a couple things out, slowed down a little bit.
I took my time.
Boom.
Give it up for Jimmy Shubert.
[Cheers and applause.]
I have been flying a lot.
Or, as I like to call it, being stuck in a psych ward at 30,000 feet.
What the hell is wrong with people? My last flight, this woman gets on the plane with a cat.
And the cat has this little orange vest on it that says, "Therapy Cat.
" I don't know what that is.
I've never seen one before.
I'm going, is that where we're at as a species? "I can't get through my day without my therapy cat.
He calms me down.
" Yeah, I get it, lady.
Being a grown-up sucks.
You don't think we all want something furry to pet when things get hairy? But you're on an airplane, you lunatic, and if the nine prescription pill bottles in your purse ain't getting you there, I hardly think the therapy cat's gonna take you over the top.
Look [Laughter and applause.]
I love animals, but I would never drag one onto an airplane.
We're talking about-- A cat freaks out over a vacuum cleaner.
How the hell you think he's gonna handle a 747? And sure enough, the plane takes off, the cabin decompresses, that poor cat starts freaking out.
[Hissing.]
I'm going, "Hey, lady, I don't know how to tell you this, but your therapy cat's having a nervous breakdown.
" Oh.
And does this mean next time I fly, I can bring my companion, Drinky-Time Squirrel? Yeah, he keeps me company so I don't have to drink alone.
I mean, he doesn't have a vest, but he is wearing a tank top that says "Spring Break '98.
" Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
You guys are wonderful.
Thank you.
- Jimmy Shubert! - Thank you.
[Cheers and applause.]
Keenen, critique.
You don't tell conventional jokes.
- Yeah.
- You're a guy who comes out and just rants about the world.
And-- No, it's great.
And we all sit, and we all laughed, which is great.
It was fun.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Completely original.
You had total control, total confidence.
You sold that point of view.
I really love your writing.
It was fantastic.
Your callbacks, the way you unfolded your set, is perfection.
Congratulations.
Thank you very much.
Jimmy, watching you is like watching Tyson in his prime, where he would just come out and just beat the hell out of you until you fell down.
It's a beautiful thing to be that in the moment and be able to take us and abuse us the way you do.
[Laughter.]
Whoo! Thank you, guys.
Thank you so much.
One more time for Jimmy Shubert.
[Cheers and applause.]
It went good.
It's like having a tremendous weight lifted off of you.
You know, you've made it into the top.
Now this is for a spot in the-- to become a finalist.
So there's a lot more pressure on it.
Okay, let's get to our next comic.
Here's Mike Vecchione.
Mike Vecchione says he has the look of a racist cop, but his jokes do not discriminate.
Just once I would like a cop to stop me, come to my window, be like, "Do you know why I pulled you over? "Back there, when you made that right turn? You nailed it.
Great job, dude.
" Let's check out what ideas Wanda and Amy have for Mike.
You want to show us a little bit of what you're gonna do? - Sure.
- All right.
Now, do I have to do the whole set, or Do whatever you want help with, I mean-- Yeah.
You know, I did this.
I went through this process.
I know.
So if I could, like, help at all Okay, just stop me anytime.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Anybody who can offer me any kind of advice or guidance, I'm open to, because my goal is to win the competition.
I would like to make an argument for the husky fit, ladies.
We're perfect.
I'm not so fat that I can't run away from danger.
I can.
I'm mobile.
But I have enough meat on my bones that if we're ever trapped in a elevator together, I will not have to eat your foot immediately.
Uh, 'cause I have reserves.
Shredded guys have no reserves.
You have so many funny, like, tags and things you're used to doing in longer sets, but I would-- Because you're gonna get a big laugh, just be ready to throw them away.
I got you.
It was super cool being mentored by Wanda and Amy.
They basically said to boil it down and to use laser-like focus to present myself in the best way possible.
That's really what I'm going with.
Mike Vecchione! [Cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
I got a fresh haircut for the show tonight.
I said to the barber, "Go somewhere between New Jersey wedding DJ and Department of Homeland Security.
" 'Cause I want you guys to be entertained, but I want you to feel safe.
Safety is my priority up here.
Safety is my priority.
You know what's not safe? These fathers walking around with babies in pouches attached to the fronts of their bodies.
It's the cockiest thing I've ever seen in my life.
That says, "Look, I get women pregnant, I make them have the baby, then I wear the baby as jewelry.
" [Laughter and applause.]
So I saw a guy.
I said, "Sir, baby in a pouch, not safe.
I'm a volunteer firefighter.
Please remove the baby.
" He said, "I'm a firefighter.
I'm an actual firefighter.
Why don't you get out of my face?" I said, "Dude, maybe you didn't hear me.
I'm a volunteer firefighter.
That means I can do your entire job in my spare time.
" [Laughter and applause.]
I'm single.
My roommate gets tons of chicks.
He's tall.
That matters-- tall.
And he has the perfect combination of factors.
Nonthreatening baby face-- you can trust me.
Shredded body-- I will protect you.
I'm not bad-looking, but I have the complete opposite thing happening.
I have what I like to call "ultimate fighter head" [Laughter.]
with a "let's go get frozen yogurt" torso.
Right? [Laughter and applause.]
Thank you so much, guys.
That's my time.
Appreciate it.
That's Mike Vecchione.
Mike, I love your rhythm.
I love your writing.
You're a funny guy.
Last time what you had that was missing this time was the swag, you know? And it probably was having to top yourself, you know? Right.
But keep doing your thing.
You're funny guy.
I appreciate it.
Thank you.
Well, I love you.
And you had such a great set last time.
You know, it went down a little bit, but, you know, I still very much enjoyed it.
Thank you.
Mike, you had some great jokes.
The baby bjorn equals jewelry was hilarious in my eyes, 'cause I've often thought that, but I never knew how to articulate that.
And that's one of those things.
And UFC head-- you do have a UFC head.
[Laughter.]
- So great job.
- Thank you.
Give it up over here for Mike Vecchione.
[Cheers and applause.]
Narrator: Coming up, how to avoid a paternity test 'Cause women'll try to trick you into raising their kids.
They say stuff like, "All they need is a father figure.
" I'm like, "Well, figure out who their father is then.
" Narrator: And later, Keenen gets his comeuppance.
You gotta tone it down.
You can't judge looking like that.
What's wrong with you? Narrator: And then Joe Machi closes the show on a positive note.
most of your life was having kids then watching them die.
[Laughter.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to the Last Comic Standing semifinals.
Tonight, the comics are battling for a spot in our top ten.
[Cheers and applause.]
Let's keep this comedy coming with our next comic.
Karlous Miller is the former firefighter from Mississippi who lit it up in his first performance.
I love a woman who got all ten toes pretty.
You ever seen the chick-- she got eight pretty toes and that little one look like a smoked cigarette? Let's find out if Wanda and Amy can help this confident comic torch the competition.
You've built a great set, and the way you closed was-- Did you close with the joke about the homeless guy? I don't remember.
I don't rehearse all of this, and I don't know exactly what I said and all that.
What do you mean, you don't rehearse this? You're a comic.
Don't you do a set-- It's not like I'm sitting at home like-- That's not how I roll.
How do you roll? Like I go up there and be funny.
Well, why don't you roll after rehearsing it so that you can roll in a nicer car? My only strategy to win is to just be funnier than everybody else.
I saw a AIDS commercial the other day that said, "One in three black people have AIDS.
" I was sitting on the couch with my girl like, "There's two people on the couch.
Oh, my God.
Somebody in this house sick and won't say nothing.
" What do you call a lesbian in Alaska? What? CENSORED No? Too hard? Mm, we're gonna pass on that one.
Yeah.
I got a snickers joke.
Us getting up means you're leaving.
Yes, this-- It's time.
[Laughs.]
I got to talk to Wanda and Amy.
You can't even put a price on that, because you can't get that nowhere else but the Last Comic Standing.
Whoop it up for my man Karlous Miller.
[Cheers and applause.]
White people, white people, what's up? We out here.
I like white people 'cause it's easy to tell when white people like you.
It's only one word that white people use when they like you.
Cool.
If you show up with somebody they don't know, they be like, "Dude, come here.
Is he cool? He's cool? Everybody's cool.
It's cool.
Cool.
We're cool.
It's cool.
It's fine.
Turn up the party.
" This is a nice group of people.
I like this.
I like California 'cause you can get under the influence and it's legal.
It's legal.
Yeah, it's-- I got pulled over under the influence.
The officer said, "Mr.
Miller, you have any idea how fast you were going?" I said, "Look, Officer, I was going at least 80 or 90.
" He said, "I clocked you doing 15.
" My homeboy, he's so messed up, he trying to hide behind his seat belt on the other side.
We had two white girls in the car with us, so we was already looking at possession with intent.
[Laughter and applause.]
It's hard out here, 'cause women'll try to trick you into raising their kids.
They say stuff like, "All they need is a father figure.
" I'm like, "Well, figure out who their father is then.
" [Laughter and applause.]
I like it out here 'cause I like y'all homeless people.
Y'all got some very entertaining homeless people.
I went to the gas station the other day.
I gave a dude $2.
00.
He gave me a nickname.
I came out the store, he was like, "Baby Bird.
Baby Bird.
Baby Bird.
Baby Bird.
Baby Bird.
" He was running other homeless people away from me.
"You better get away from Baby Bird.
I know that.
That's my nephew.
Baby Bird, your mom and daddy still go together?" I was like, "What?" Hey, thank y'all.
I'm Karlous.
Appreciate it.
[Cheers and applause.]
That's Karlous Miller.
When you're in the zone, you're really in there.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You let it slip out of there a couple of times though.
Yeah.
But you brought it back.
I loved it.
Roseanne, thank you.
Ugh! JB, you don't know! I grew up watching Roseanne.
Had a crush on Darlene and everything.
That's what it's all about, baby.
[Laughter.]
Baby Bird.
You said a lot of things, and they were all funny, and you took it to the line.
So great job.
Yeah! Karlous, you are a comedian.
Like, just natural-born funny guy who can pretty much say and do anything [Cheers and applause.]
and the audience is gonna love you.
And I love the way you command the stage.
You move.
You animate.
I enjoy watching you.
Good job.
Thank you.
Karlous Miller! [Cheers and applause.]
It feels amazing to be in the semifinals.
It's a privilege to be here with all the other amazing comics, so I'm super excited and super pumped.
[Cheers and applause.]
Having a mom that's lesbian is awesome.
She's the best mom ever.
She's perfect.
She's amazing.
But growing up, I always felt that she kind of desperately wanted a gay kid.
Like, she was kind of the opposite of, like, the really homophobic parent that's like, "Are you straight? You're straight?" Like, she was like, "Are you gay? Maybe? Like, a little bit? Like, are you gay?" I'd be like, "Nah, I'm not.
" She's like, "You're really good at dancing, Tommy.
You're really good at dancing.
" "I know, but I'm not gay.
" She'd be like, "You were in that musical.
" I was in one musical one time.
One time.
I was really good though.
I was Seymour Krelborn, Little Shop Of Horrors.
Pretty much born for it.
It was really-- really spectacular.
Yeah.
And she's like, "Are you sure you're not gay?" I'm like, "I like women, just like you.
You like women.
Dad likes women.
Like, this is 100% women-loving family.
That's just math.
That's just how it works.
" Fun for me now is sitting at home on a couch in my fat-girl sweatpants.
[Women cheering.]
Yes, ladies, it doesn't matter what size you are.
Every woman owns a pair of fat-girl sweatpants, and they all look the same.
There's no elastic in the waist, so whenever you walk, you have to lift it up with every step.
Guys, you don't see these sweatpants until it's too far into your relationship, right? Ladies, there's a checklist of things that need to happen before you break out the sweatpants.
Like, "Oh, he cried in front of me.
Check.
I caught him sucking his thumb.
Check.
He asked me to spoon him.
Check.
" I'm not gay.
I do like the ladies.
Which is weird, 'cause when I was a kid, I hated girls.
When I was, like, six years old, I thought girls were gross, thought they were dumb.
You know, you're allowed to hate girls as a kid, but that's really the only group a kid's allowed to hate.
'Cause if I was a six-year-old that hated Puerto Ricans? That would be weird.
You know, if I was like, "Hey, mom, I hate Puerto Ricans," she would never say, "Oh, you'll like them one day.
You'll like them a lot.
" Yes.
Are there any Puerto Ricans here? [Scattered cheers.]
All right, too many.
I, uh [Laughter.]
Just kidding.
These are all jokes.
Jokes.
Take it easy.
Look, I live in New York City, all right? If I was racist [Chuckles.]
I would be exhausted, so Let's all have a good time.
I am supposed to be real country, y'all.
I was born on my grandparent's farm in Georgia, delivered by a midwife named Slappy Mae.
[Laughter.]
That's embarrassing.
I asked my grandma-- I said, "What happened?" She said, "Baby, we lived too far out in the country.
We couldn't get your mom into town quick enough, so I had to call my good old friend who lived in the woods.
" I don't think she meant she called her on the phone either.
I think my grandma meant she call her, like, from the front porch.
Like, "Hey, Slappy Mae!" My husband, he's a high school history and geography teacher.
He came home one day.
He was like, "Babe, did you know that the hippopotamus is responsible for a lot of deaths in Africa?" [Laughter.]
I said, "No.
I heard about that HIV, but I didn't hear about that hippopotamus just whuppin' ass all over Africa.
" He said, "Yeah.
If you're ever in the way of a hippopotamus, you better get out the way.
That thing will kill you.
" When am I ever gonna in the way of a hippopotamus? Will I be at the ATM machine, just trying to get my money out? All of a sudden [Laughter and applause.]
"Is that a hippopotamus? Fast cash, no receipt.
" Thank you, I'm Tracey Ashley.
That's Tracey Ashley! The Slappy Mae is hilarious.
I want to see Slappy Mae delivering you, I mean Okay.
[Laughs.]
I would like to have seen more of that kind of material for this set, but it was fun watching you.
Tracey Ashley! Narrator: Coming up, Roseanne makes a bold prediction.
I think you could take it all.
- Congratulations.
- Oh, wow.
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back.
Right now, let's take a look at another one of those mentoring sessions.
Aida Rodriguez is the sharp-tongued single mom who impressed the judges with her jokes and her beauty.
I have a 17-year-old daughter.
She told me she had a bully.
I said, "What you have is a year to 'do something' about it before it's a felony.
" Let's see if Wanda and Amy have any words of wisdom for a fellow female.
How long have you been doing stand-up? Six years.
Ah, okay.
Okay, so You just diagnosed me.
You was like, "Ah, okay.
" No, I said that to go, "Oh, wow.
Okay, for six years" That's great, yeah.
That's great.
Nobody better to give me notes than females who push the envelope.
So it's good for me.
Now, here's the thing.
You're a beautiful woman.
And I think it was Keenen said that that can be distracting to an audience.
Right.
Let's take a look here.
Your presentation, tone it down a little.
You never want your beauty to work against you.
- I disagree with that.
- Uh-huh.
Don't tone yourself down.
You got to be the most yourself ever on this show.
Let that fuel you to be like, "This is my moment.
I'm gonna be myself.
" And just go out hard and sell it.
I went in as raw as possible because I wanted to get feedback on what I had.
Girl, my mom loves those highlights.
Maybe a little more confidence.
Yeah.
Like, sell those jokes.
They wanted me to really be confident, let it rip.
And it helped.
It really helped.
Give it up for Aida Rodriguez.
[Cheers and applause.]
Whoo, I'm from Puerto Rico.
Yes.
Which means I'm a black person that speaks Spanish or a Mexican with papers-- whatever you want to call me.
Like my kids, I got a crazy mother.
My mother is fluent in English and never speaks English around people that speak English.
You know this lady? I would bring her home, and she'd be like [Speaking Spanish stridently.]
You brought that bitch to my home? And I got to be like, "ooh, girl, my mom loves your highlights.
Whoo, you hot.
" [Speaking Spanish stridently.]
Get that bitch out! Yeck! [Speaking Spanish stridently.]
I don't want to eat with that bitch.
I'd be like, "go wash up.
That's how we pray in this house.
We-- Yeah.
Let's go.
" I'm crazy just like her, and I don't pretend to be normal to get a man, ladies.
I don't do that.
I show up crazy.
I let them know who I am.
I'm like, "How you doing? My name is Aida, I check cell phones, I crack Facebook codes, and I do a mean surveillance.
" [Cheers and applause.]
Yes.
Free yourselves.
I go on my first date and his phone rings, I'm like, "Who the hell is calling you at 5:43 PM? You going to the bathroom? Slide me that phone, player.
Let me get that phone.
" Yes.
You know, as a single mom, I can no longer afford to date a man that doesn't have his life together.
That's what made me a single mom in the first place.
And my friends that don't have kids, they judge me all the time.
They always say, "I would never date a man for money.
" I'm like, "Really? You do it for low self-esteem and chlamydia all the time.
Your perspective is wrong.
" Thank you.
That's my time.
[Cheers and applause.]
Aida Rodriguez! Well, Aida, I gave you a note last time, and you took that note, and you toned it down, which is really good.
Thank you.
And in listening to you the second time, I'm more impressed with your edge than I was the first time.
You're a truth serum.
You come out here, and you don't hold nothing back.
- I love it.
- Thank you.
- Can I say something to you? - Yes.
You got to tone it down.
You can't judge looking like that.
What's wrong with you? [Laughter.]
I'm like, "Oh, man.
" I'm just gonna hand you my cell phone right now.
We'll get that out of the way.
Aida, you know, owning your own crazy and knowing you and knowing that you are crazy is-- it's hilarious when you take control of whatever you think is wrong with you and you make us laugh at it.
And you made me really laugh today.
Good job.
Thank you, Russell.
Well, you're completely fearless.
Your material is fantastic, original.
I've never heard anything like it, never seen anything like it.
I think you could take it all.
Congratulations.
Oh, wow.
One more time for the tall Aida Rodriguez.
[Cheers and applause.]
Roseanne told me she thought I could win it all.
Just to know that she thinks that I'm worthy of that is an honor.
We're at the point now where everybody's good here.
Yeah.
First it was 100.
We're at 28.
Now you're in a tighter group.
It's a little more fierce right now.
So, you know, it's not where you go, "We have all these spots.
" Now it's like, "You know what? This is, like, really, the top, top, top, and we got to fight to get in that final.
" I sweat-- I sweat underneath my breasts, which is awkward, 'cause I have to put baby powder there.
I was making out with this guy a couple weeks ago.
He lifts up my breasts, and all these powder crumbs come falling out on my couch.
It looked like I was smuggling cocaine, okay? I was super embarrassed.
I didn't want him to think it was cocaine, I didn't want him to think it was powder.
But I was like, "You know what, I'll just bag it up and try to sell it to him for $20.
" Some days my daughter will update her status then like her own updates.
You ever see that? "Some days are better than others.
" Then she likes it.
What, are you talking to yourself? You don't need to like your own stuff.
Why bother with Facebook? Just say stuff to yourself in your room.
"Meatballs are good.
" This song is so universal.
I could dedicate this song to the whole entire world.
The main thing is, like, you have to speak English.
- Um - [Laughter.]
[Light ukulele music playing.]
everyone, young and old all colors are beautiful we've all got a heart and a soul and we're all here to die we're gonna die we're gonna die we're gonna kick the bucket we're gonna buy the farm and you're gonna die and you're gonna die and your mom's gonna die Sorry if she's already dead.
die, die, die-die-die-die die, die-die-die-die [Growling.]
die, die, die, die die, die, die, die I'm done watching horror movies.
I can't stand them anymore, right? Especially these found footages ones.
They're terrible, right? They make you scare yourself.
They're so bad.
They do.
You just sit there in the theater.
You just sit there for 25 minutes, just [Gasps.]
"That curtain.
Did that curtain move? I think that curtain moved.
Did that curtain move?" That's it for 25 minutes until the ghost is like, "I hate this chair.
" Like, that's all that happens.
Ghost walks around.
"Eh, screw this lamp.
" That's it.
It's just a pissed off interior decorator the whole time.
You know what, it's not even horror movies that scare me.
It's afterwards that scares me, right? Like, walking to your car in the parking lot.
That's the scary part.
Isn't it? When you leave the theater, you're like, "Oh, no.
Why did I park so far?" If I'm on a date, I'll tell the chick, "I bought the tickets.
You go get the car.
" I'll tell her.
Thank you, guys.
Nick Guerra! You were competing against yourself last time.
And last time, it was, like, so huge and so big.
And I feel-- you know, I still think you did great, and I like you, but I feel a little bit let down from your last time, you know? I'll do it the next round.
I'll do it the next round.
[Laughs.]
Thank you.
Narrator: Coming up, a comic discusses a different type of planned parenthood.
My school was so bad, we had drug-dealing pregnant girls that ran gangs.
Welcome back.
Welcome back.
Okay.
Our next comic is ready to take the stage.
Monroe Martin took a unfunny childhood and made it hilarious in his Last Comic Standing debut.
Foster care is a program where they take children from homes where they're being abused and neglected.
They take them out of that environment and place them in the same exact environment.
Let's see what advice Wanda and Amy have for him.
- You're so funny, man.
- Oh, thank you.
Had a great set.
Judges loved you.
One bit of constructive criticism.
There were some opportunities for you to animate your jokes, add some physicality, and here's an example.
I just learned that my foster mom made $750 a month just to take care of me.
If I would've known that as a kid, she would have never been able to punish me.
It's like, "Monroe, you've been acting up in school.
You can't watch TV for a week.
" Said, "I can't watch TV? Woman, I pay the cable bill.
" I know what Keenen wants.
They want to see you-- maybe a little more movement or Yeah, you know what, after you said, "The cable bill," you kind of smiled and let go of it.
You could stay there longer.
People will laugh, 'cause they love you.
They want to-- They're interested in you.
Okay.
My biggest weakness in this competition? It has to be the performance.
You gonna do great.
I think you're good.
I got to make sure that I'm better than the last time those judges see me.
Give it up for Monroe Martin, y'all! [Cheers and applause.]
Monroe! I used to be a tutor in a high school.
I wasn't even smart enough to be working with kids.
Like, if I didn't know a answer to one of their questions, I just made them look within themselves.
It works.
Kid'll come to me, "Mr.
Martin, can you help me solve this equation? I got to solve for X.
" I'm like, "Come on, Jamal.
You know this.
" [Laughter and applause.]
"It's in here.
" I went to a terrible high school.
I went to Martin Luther King high school.
[Scattered cheers.]
Yeah, my school was definitely not his dream.
[Laughter.]
My school was documentary bad.
You know how bad you got to be to make it to the movies? Every time you see a school in a documentary, they have three main ingredients that helped them make it there.
They got drug dealers, gangs, and pregnant girls.
My school was so bad, we had drug-dealing pregnant girls that ran gangs.
[Laughter and applause.]
I had to see a tutor when I was younger because I have ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder.
Attention deficit is not a disorder.
It's an ability.
[Laughter.]
Whoo! [Cheers and applause.]
That just means I can do two things at the same exact time.
I could do my math and play with those squirrels outside the window.
Never send a kid with ADD to speak to a therapist, because when you ask them what's on their mind, you're gonna get a dumb answer every single time.
My therapist would try to get in my head.
She'd be like, "Monroe, you have to open up.
Tell me what you're thinking about.
" "Dragons.
" [Laughter.]
"By 'Dragon,' do you mean you feel like a outcast amongst your peers?" "No, I just want to fly around and scare the hell out of Chinese people.
" Y'all been nice.
My name is Monroe Martin.
[Cheers and applause.]
Monroe Martin! Roseanne, let's talk about Monroe Martin.
I thought you topped yourself from last time.
Good job on that.
Thank you.
It's very well crafted.
You're a good writer.
And I liked that you-- explaining a little bit more about yourself.
And I liked it.
You're funny.
I love you.
Thank you.
Monroe, your material, like Roseanne said, this time you gave us the lighter side, which was just as much fun as the other side of you.
And you're a great writer.
My only note to you is, energy.
Your material is so funny, and there's so much energy under what you're saying.
Just a raise in your voice and a movement onstage would take you to a whole another level.
You got all the chops, man.
You're good.
It was a great set.
When you said MLK high school, we knew exactly what you meant.
And I liked the fact that you took all the elements of a bad school and put it into one person.
Good job, Monroe.
Thank you.
That's Monroe damn Martin right there.
I want to be a part of the finals badly, 'cause I just want to keep being on TV.
That's it.
Just want to make it as far as possible so I can keep seeing my face and brag to everybody.
Narrator: Coming up, a tragic event affected by pizza.
I ordered a pizza, and on the box, it said "9/11.
Never Forget.
" Then I realized they forgot my breadsticks.
Narrator: And later, find out which comics are advancing to the top ten.
Okay, and the first spot is We are back.
Okay, let's get to our next comic, Joe Machi.
Joe Machi is the edgy but unassuming eccentric who joked about his unusual password.
That is why I think there's only one good use for the N word.
That is for my bank password.
Let's see if Wanda and Amy have any advice that Joe can take to the bank.
The judges love you.
Oh, thank you.
Some nights it's just your night.
It doesn't mean I'm any better than the other comedians.
Sometimes it just-- you just hit.
Yeah, I think, like, that is not true, what you just said.
[Laughs.]
I think you've done all the work.
I know you from New York for years, and you're such a hard worker.
You're such a killer.
Yeah, it's definitely not luck.
You put in the work.
You constructed a great set.
Even when things go well, I'm like, "Yeah, well, I still have work to do.
" And that's a good thing for a comedian, 'cause that makes you self-aware and you keep working hard.
The only criticism that I have is, next time, when you come out, hit your mark.
[Laughter.]
I-- - Yeah, that's important.
- Look what you did.
- Oh, here.
- Oh, yeah.
See? Here we go.
Yeah, you're supposed to start in the center there, and you kind of ran out.
I tend to get very nervous at times.
Really? You seem super - Calm.
- Chill.
It feels like I'm on the right track, just the fact that they're even paying attention to me.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
Oh, thank you, man.
Joe Machi! [Cheers and applause.]
Say, everybody.
My married couple of friends said, "Joe, we don't want to bring a child into the world the way the world is now.
" And I'm like, "What do mean, 'The way the world is now'? The best it's ever been in history?" people were having 15 kids.
Most of them would die.
Most of your life was having kids then watching them die.
Then you would die of something they prevent now by washing your hands.
I'm not even sure why being a doctor was an actual job.
At best they could do was tell you the name of what you had.
"Joe, you've got tuberculosis.
Lie down in a room full of people with tuberculosis.
" "Joe, your arm's infected.
We'll cut it off although the stump will also get infected.
We'll keep cutting that stump shorter until you're dead.
" [Laughter and applause.]
"Like your kids.
" I ordered a pizza and on the box, it said "9/11.
Never Forget.
" And forgive me for being preachy for just a moment, but I think that's just what the terrorists would want, for us to continue to be sad remembering that terrible day.
Then I realized they forgot my breadsticks.
[Laughter and applause.]
How about never forgetting my breadsticks? Put that on the box.
Thank you, everyone.
[Cheers and applause.]
Joe Machi! You know, Joe, I love you.
I think that you're fantastic.
You're different.
You're unique.
Your writing is-- it's just great.
Congratulations, you killed.
Oh, I appreciate it.
Thank you very much, Roseanne.
I really appreciate it.
Joe, you know, I watch you, and I keep waiting for you to just go, "I'm just kidding.
" [Laughter.]
I love that this is you.
So I thought you did a great job.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
I've always said that you can get away with anything as long as you smile, and you know that trick already.
'Cause you said something very edgy, made us all uncomfortable, and then you just gave us a and that-- it just took our guard down.
We're like, "whatever you want to say is fine now.
" And I mean, Joe, you're one of the guys who've I've been quoting to my friends even lately.
So you had a great set, and I loved watching you.
Oh, I appreciate that.
That's the best compliment a comedian can get.
Thank you, everybody.
I really appreciate it.
That's Joe Machi! Thank you, everybody.
Appreciate it.
Joe! [Cheers and applause.]
Will your favorites get picked? I don't know, but those judges do.
So come on back and see who makes the cut.
We'll return with more Last Comic Standing, baby.
What do you think on this one? Well, I mean, this guy, of course.
Yeah, that guy, definitely.
I think she's great.
Be great in a sitcom.
That's what I kept thinking too actually.
[Cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to part one of our semifinals.
We just watched perform their hearts out.
[Cheers and applause.]
Now it's time to find out which comics move one step closer to winning the coveted title of Last Comic Standing.
[Dramatic music.]
Comics, when I call your name, please step forward.
Okay, and the first spot in our top ten is Monroe Martin! [Cheers and applause.]
My head hurts 'cause I'm very excited.
So I got a headache 'cause I don't know what to do.
But I feel good.
The name of the next comic moving on Joe Machi, baby.
- Joe! - I feel pretty good now.
I threw up after, 'cause it's a lot of stress.
But all in all, I'm happy I get to keep going.
Karlous Miller! I'm not surprised.
It just feels right.
Got emotional.
Wish my mom could see me right now.
Aida Rodriguez.
I'm very excited to advance.
These are the moments when those gigs where you get paid chicken nuggets for your set-- these are the moments that say, hey, all my hard work just paid off.
So here's where we are.
[Dramatic music.]
The comic grabbing the last spot from tonight's show and moving on to the top ten is Jimmy Shubert! [Cheers and applause.]
I was the last one they called.
I was starting to get a little worried there.
I mean, I'm still in a little shock.
It hasn't sunken in yet.
It's awesome.
I'm super excited.
These comics from tonight's semifinals show have claimed the first five spots in the top ten.
Who will be next to join them? Come back next week for the second part of Last Comic Standing's semifinals.
And there you have it.
[Cheers and applause.]
We'll see you next week, baby! Narrator: Next week on the second of our semifinals shows, for the final five spots in the top ten.
It feels great to be in the semifinals, you know? I got a pedicure and a Brazilian, so I hope I didn't do all that for nothing.
Narrator: Wanda Sykes returns to mentor the comics.
How do you feel about rape? Uh, I don't care for it.
I-- [Laughing.]
Narrator: And later, the competition shifts gears as they enter the challenge round.
Celebrity mentors will guide our top ten through a series of surprise challenges that will put their comedic skills to the test.
Welcome, everybody, to the Last Comic Standing roast.
You will be a tour guide at Universal Studios.
Narrator: Then they'll face off in head-to-head showdowns.
Two comics will walk out on this stage and perform.
The judges will pick the winner.
The other comic will have to go home.
Narrator: So tune in and find out who will move one step closer to the title of Last Comic Standing.