Live at The Apollo (2004) s08e04 Episode Script
Lee Nelson, Stewart Francis, Paul Chowdhry
1 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Lee Nelson! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, hello, hello, hello! You all right tonight, Apollo?! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, I'm in the mood of my life! I give blood for the first time this morning! Yeah, turns out I'm not the dad! Just as well, people, cos me and the missus is expecting another baby together.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah, weren't planned or nothing, but you know what it's like.
You've both had a few drinks, you're in each other's arms, you've got 40 people in the car park cheering yous on.
Good to see you again, fella.
You look well different off my bonnet.
You legend, come here my man, innit.
Very strong wrists, as on the night, innit.
Ahh, well good to be here, Apollo, let's hear it, people! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What a summer of sport! Ain't it been amazing? I've been loving all the moves, man.
Let's do all the moves right now everyone, let's do the Mobot.
The Lightning Bolt.
The England football team.
APPLAUSE Weren't that Paralympics proper inspiring, weren't it? I was watching that with my little boy on the telly box, he turns to me, he says, "Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be disabled.
" I says, "Oh, result! "I'm claiming disability benefits for you.
" No, I'm a family man, people, I started looking into my family tree, that's proper interesting, innit? Cos I'm Lee Nelson, right? I thought I might be related to Admiral Nelson.
What a buzz would that be? You know what I mean? Imagine it, like my family, like, inventing multi-car insurance! Oh, man, the whole family, my family's proper interesting cos we're all well different.
Like, yeah, you know, me and my brother is totally different, you know, I hardly see him no more.
Sort of quite sad what happened to my brother in a lot of ways, he started hanging out with the wrong sort of people, mixing with the wrong crowd, and my brother ended up going to university.
He's properly made it now, my brother, man.
He is loaded.
He's got one of them cars with, er, with tax.
My little sister, aww, I love my little sister, she's 13 years old.
And she, I get properly, sort of, I look after her, I look out for her, that's what you've gotta do.
Like, the other day, she comes down the stairs, starts leaving the house, I says "Oi! "You ain't going out the house looking like that.
"Now you get back up stairs and you put some make-up on.
"You're never going to pull like that, you know what I mean?" Innit people, innit? All my family are so different, that's the interesting thing about it and my family, if I'm honest with you, is a little bit messed up.
A little bit, cos my old man, he left my mum for her sister.
Yeah, and that's wrong, innit? My mum still tells the story about how she found out about it actually.
Basically my mum and dad was at it in bed together one night, and my old man used to shout my mum's name out when he was finishing.
Yeah, and my mum's name is Sally and my auntie's name is Molly, and one night instead of shouting "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Sallly!" He shouts, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, been banging your sister!" It's been a tough time, man, it's been a tough time for my family recently, cos my grandad passed away.
And yeah, it was, awww, he was driving on the motorway, and he had a seizure and paralysed, couldn't move a muscle.
Hit a motorway flyover.
Sounds instant, don't it, but he was 72, he was driving at 20 mile an hour.
He saw that flyover coming towards him for 11 minutes.
We all had time to bail out.
APPLAUSE My uncle even went back for his jacket.
I got the Tom-Tom, but .
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it's what he would have wanted, so well, it was what he wanted, I had to prise it out of his hands.
You know what, I am so excited that I'm going to be a dad again because I didn't think it was going to be possible, to be honest.
I had a health scare of my own.
I actually found, erm, I found a lump on my testicle.
And I was very lucky, actually.
I went to the doctor the second I found out about it! He done a load of tests and found it was, um, a bit of chewing gum.
Never ever get noshed off by a bird who's trying to give up smoking.
Yous lot is a nice bunch of people in here tonight.
I gotta be honest with you.
It's nice, from the posh people down here to the scum upstairs CHEERING AND BOOING Going to start chucking bottles down soon, innit? How are you doing over here, geeze? you're looking like quite a well-to-do, a sort of posh fellow, with you sweetie pie, as well, I can tell with the body language.
You're sitting there, sweetie pie, clutching your rape alarm.
No, it's all good, I got a lot of love for the posh, they just do things differently, innit? Normal people on a night out, they're like, "Down it! Down it! Down it! Down it! "Smoke some weed! Smoke some weed! Smoke some weed!" Poshos over there, "Sip it! Sip it! Sip it! "Smoke some salmon! Smoke some salmon!" Ahh, you is a legend, fella, how posh is you? Is you top level posh, is you medium posh? Tell you what, shall we do a posh test on this man and find out? AUDIENCE: Yes! All right, fella, question number one, you can tell a lot by a name, what's your full name? - Piers Collins.
- Piers Collins.
They're going to have you for breakfast up there.
Piers Collins, have you got a middle name, Piers? - Yes.
- Go on, tell us - Hope.
- What's it? - Hope.
- Hope.
- Hope's my middle name.
Why was you most embarrassed about that name? Piers Hope Collins.
That's all right, geeze, it's good, it's good, it's looking pretty posh, let's be honest, but it's nice.
OK, question number two in the posh test, let's think, Piers Hope Collins, it's all good.
All right, do you usually carry a cash card or a credit card or both? - Both.
- OK, Piers Hope Collins with both a cash card and a credit card.
Question number three.
All right What is your PIN number? He's a legend, fella.
Listen, posh is either in the family or it ain't, that's the thing about posh.
You know your parents, right? - Yes.
- Yeah? There we go, you're posh.
APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, apparently we have a load of celebrities in tonight.
Oo-ooh! Not sure exactly where they are Oh, there's James Caan.
Hello, James, do you know where any of the celebrities are? Joking, you Dragons' Den legend, nah.
Let's say 'ello, it's Ellie Crisell! How are you, babe? Ellie does the BBC news summary, which is a 90 second summary of the news, Monday through to Thursday, innit? Now, presumably working them sort of hours you can still claim for unemployment benefits? Who else we got in the house, man? We has got Ah, people, we has got a proper treat in here, right.
We has got a load of well good Olympic and Paralympic athletes.
All of them, give us a wave and let's big up Team GB! Come on, athletes! There they are .
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legends the lot of them.
Beth Tweddle, where's Beth Tweddle? Yes, there she is, sweetie pie! She won her medal in the uneven bars, I watched that, I thought it was well good.
It does come across that you was a proper northern girl, though.
Yes, you was wearing very, very little .
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going from bar to bar .
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and the end you couldn't quite stand up.
Oh, let's big up the athletes, man, let's big 'em up.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE My head's a little bit all over the place, if I'm honest with you, man.
I just got back from an absolutely crazy stag, right? Check this out, 12 of us went mountain biking in Iceland, it was UNBELIEVABLE, man! Till we got booted out the shop.
Oh, it's great, innit? Isn't it interesting? I love going all around the world and experiencing new things about new places.
I went to Euro Disney recent.
Yeah, it's brilliant, I never knew America was that close.
- Who here's been Euro Disney, hands up if you've been Euro Disney? - CHEERING Legend, over there, in the jacket, did you have a good time in Euro Disney? Yeahgrow up.
Nah, it is, it's good.
It's good for the dads, innit? And it's good for the kids as well because for the kids you've got all the characters walking around - Buzz Lightyear, and Mickey Mouse, and Donald Duck, yeah.
And for the dads, like me, you've got Cinderella - YES! The Little Mermaid - YES! I would, I wouldn't know how but I'd give it a go! I hired a car when I was in France, I dunno whether you done the same? They're the most mental drivers in the world, innit? They're absolutely crazy! You know, over here when you're vexed on the road, we do that, innit? That's the signal, innit? You do that when you're vexed on the road.
In France they don't do that, they got a flat hand, they do it, innit, like that.
Different culture, they don't do that, they do that, innit? And they don't say, "Wanker," French word for it is, "Wrong side!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE People, we has got a well, WELL, good line up for you tonight! Is you up for your first act of the evening? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Pop your nut, it's Stewart Francis.
# Get it all out Yeah sweat it all out.
Wow! The feeling is mutual! Ah, man, I hope I sound sincere when I say that it's an absolute thrill - to be here in - FEMALE VOICEOVER: - Beautiful London.
And I mean that.
My stage name is Stewart Francis, my real name is Barbra Streisand MUSIC: "Barbra Streisand" by Duck Sauce HE MOUTHS .
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but, apparently, someone's already using that name .
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and when I find out who I'm going to punch them right in the nose.
I dunno how you guys got here tonight, I squatted down, put my head between my knees and fell forward that's how I roll.
People say I have the legs of a dancer but until they find the rest of the body the cops have got nothing on me, man! Someone recently called me a shameless self-promoter.
Me, Stewart Francis .
.
dot com.
I've been described as being dismissive and having a limited vocabulary Pfft! Fff! Pffft! Pfft! Women! People say I'm a plagiarist - their word, not mine.
I haven't said a silly word in yonks.
I've never asked a rhetorical question.
How cool is that? Know what I'm saying? Recently accused of doing nothing but sitting around all day watching hip-hop videos by my bitch.
Shawty's all up in my grill .
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my boo's just trippin'.
She knows my flavour's hot.
I have no idea what I just said .
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and that is fo' shizzle.
I do watch a lot of television - the entire screen, for that matter.
Oh, I saw a documentary on how ships are held together! Riveting! I did not know that.
I saw a show called Last of the Summer Wine, if you haven't seen it, it's about three creepy old guys who roam the countryside trying to be funny and failing miserably No, Top Gear, it's called Top Gear, right? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Where three creepy old guys, they're both the same show, as far as I'm concerned.
In both shows the tall one's an egotistical know-it-all and the short one's always getting hurt.
Now I have some more tasteless Richard Hammond jokes so buckle up.
Some people just don't get my jokes.
The other night, there, I was at a party doing a bunch of jokes for the Red Arrows - phew! Got a joke about Moses that will divide the room.
Puns about air conditioners? Not a fan.
I have never and will never do a pun on erections - touch wood.
I like my women the way I like my skis - rented .
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with a little wax on their bottom.
Swish! Swish! Me, lazy? Don't get me started.
I really am lazy, instead of a threesome I sleep with a schizophrenic.
You guys like impressions? Yeah, me too, they're good, hope that works out for you.
To me, Ed Miliband doesn't look like a leader, to me, Ed Miliband looks like a security guard who just heard a noise in the warehouse.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.
Posh and Becks or, as I like to call them, Thick and Thin.
In an effort to improve his looks Wayne Rooney had a hair transplant - it's official, you can polish a turd.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Did I already do my deja vu, joke? I am Canadian although I truly do feel British because, well, both my parents are alcoholics.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE The more I travel, the more I learn about different cultures.
I was recently in Bangkok - do you know in Bangkok it's considered rude to display the bottom of your feet towards someone, yet shoving a coke bottle up my ass was OK with them.
I can't go to Egypt, I can't eat Egyptian food.
After I eat Egyptian food I always "falafel".
Why do I do puns about Egyptian food? Just be couscous.
Come on, where's your sense of hummus? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I recently went to Turkey.
You know it's considered rude to blow your nose into a tissue in public? Yet shoving a Coke bottle up my ass was OK with them.
At first I didn't believe my father stole from his job as a lollipop man but all the signs were there.
I used to sell loose onions, till I got the sack.
I used to be a pantomime horse, I quit while I was a head.
I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.
I started a VD clinic from scratch.
Did you know most Americans pray before they eat? Could you imagine praying 18 times a day? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I did that joke in America and they found it offensive, yet shoving a Coke bottle up my ass was OK with them.
I'm Stewart Francis, have a wonderful evening, good night! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE One more time, Stewart Francis! People, is you up for your final act of the night? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome the one, the only, it's Paul Chowdhry! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah.
What's happening, white people? Going to do some stuff for you tonight, none of the old stuff I used to do, like Purple Rain.
That's what I like about London, the weather's changing, you see people walking about, especially when the weather gets good - hot, or too cold, Cockneys COCKNEY ACCENT: "It is baking, Dave!" "I am absolutely sweltering, mate! I am sweating like a right slag!" "It's 12 degrees, Dave.
" "It's going to rain in a minute.
" Then you see Indians walking around with their coats and jackets on, INDIAN ACCENT: "It's too cold, get the coat, the jacket "the sweater-r-r-r.
" INDIAN ACCENT: "It's too cold, bastard!" COCKNEY ACCENT: "It is baking, Dave.
" Same weather, different clothes! Only people who keep this country going are the illegal minicab drivers.
I got this cab the other day, right? He starts telling me his life story.
I'm in the back, AFRICAN ACCENT: "In my country I was a doctor.
" "What?" AFRICAN ACCENT: "I was a doctor-r-r-r in my country.
" I was like, "Keep your eyes on the road, mate, "we're going to need a doctor after this ride.
" "I was a doct" "What do you need to become a doctor in your country?" "A driving licence.
" Good to see a lot of Indian people have come out tonight.
CHEERING One guy over there, where you from, gangster? "Milton Keynes"? - Still live with your parents? - No.
- This is the thing about English people get a lot more independence.
Indian people don't get the independ English, like When we want to move out we're never allowed to move out, of our family home.
"Dad, I want to move out, I want to get my own" INDIAN ACCENT: "You want to do what, bastard?" "I want to get out" INDIAN ACCENT: "You never leave this house, bastard! "You don't leave till I'm dead, you're dead, EVERYBODY'S dead ".
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and you still don't leave, bastard!" English people have a lot more independence.
COCKNEY ACCENT: "When are you going to move out, son? "You're five now ".
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when you going to go out and get a job, you scrounging little slag? "Get out and take your kids with ya!" I reckon we can all break down racial barriers in this country if we all put on the same accent as the person we're speaking to.
I think, you know, Indian restaurant, put on a slight Indian accent.
Like, "One poppadom ".
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one chicken tikka masala "one naan bread.
" Don't take it too far, like, "Bring it to me, bastard!" Don't do the head shaking and the hand movement.
Cos that's racist.
If you change your cheeks, you've gotta change your face to go with the voice - "One battered chicken.
" I did that too much in this restaurant the other day, I was like, "One battered chicken.
" The guy goes to me, "You want dick sauce with that?" "One battered chicken?" "You want dick sauce or no dick sauce?" I just dropped the accent at that point.
"Hey, listen, man, forget the dick sauce.
"What kind of restaurant is this?" "I said THICK sauce not dick sauce!" That was some pretty thick sauce when it came back.
You gotta do it everywhere, you know? That's when I want racism! I want it in a restaurant.
If I go to a Chinese restaurant I don't want some guy, COCKNEY ACCENT: "What can I get you mate?" "You can get me a Chinese waiter.
" "What's Dave doing here?" I want proper racism, I want Bernard Manning, you want, you know, CHINESE ACCENT: "One ri', two ri', how many ri' you wa'?!" "Twotwo ri'? How many ri' you want?" I want him to get so confused he doesn't even know what he's ordering.
"You want two ri' or 17 ri'?!" "28 ri' or 29 ri'?" I want it to be like Jackie Chan racial, "Hmm, how many ri' you wan'?" HE MOUTHS HE MOUTHS I want him to get so angry he takes it out on the guy in the kitchen cos you confused him during the order, "You want two ri' or three ri'? One minute, one minute Argh!" "I dunno what I just ordered ".
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but someone's getting Jackie Chan in that kitchen.
" There was one restaurant I heard about in London, got closed down because they were putting flour in the bin and onion bhajis in a basket.
When health and safety turned up they said, "Is that the bin or the bucket?" INDIAN ACCENT: "Bin, bucket, same thing.
" "Is that the kitchen or the bath?" INDIAN ACCENT: "Kitchen, bathroom, same thing.
" "Is that the fridge of the freezer?" INDIAN ACCENT: "Fridge, freezer, same thing.
" "Is that your wife or your cousin?" INDIAN ACCENT: "Wife, cousin, same thing.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's different, that's what it is.
Break down barrier, like, I travel on Virgin planes now, right? Problem is, when I travel abroad Virgin planes you can phone up your people, tell them when you're arriving at your destination - they've got phones on the planes.
Problem is most of my family speak Punjabi abroad, so when I'm telling them I'm arriving I've got to tell them in Punjabi.
I was on the plane, I was like, "I'm on, er, flight 749" HE SPEAKS PUNJABI The guy next to me shit himself.
He phoned up his wife and told her he loved her .
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and he might never see her again.
I didn't want to ruin the surprise I started reading the Koran .
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I'm not even a Muslim! This country hasn't quite clamped down, even the government, you know? Problems in this country.
You get stabbed in this country, they won't find the killers.
But if you drive down a bus lane .
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they'll take a picture of you in the car and send it to your house within 48 hours.
So if you get stabbed make sure you get stabbed in a bus lane LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's a problem, you know? Even, like, people don't even wear their seatbelts in the car - government had this campaign, going to try and help people wear a seatbelt.
This guy goes to pick up a pizza, he's not wearing a seat belt, he crashes the car, pizza's flipped up all over the place.
Pepperami everywhere He's dead.
Second take, he picks up a pizza again, crashes the car, this time he's wearing a seat belt, pizza's flipped up all over the place, pepperami everywhere, but he survives.
It says, "What have you learned from this video?" I'm like, "Get your pizza delivered.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Have a nice time, you've been a great crowd, thanks a lot, cheers.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE One more time, Paul Chowdhry! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That, people, is all we've got time for! Oh, no! People, let's hear your love one more time - Stewart Francis! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Paul Chowdhry! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I hope to see you all again WELL soon.
I hope to see you in the disabled toilets in five.
I've been Lee Nelson, this has been Live At The Apollo.
Good night, London! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah, weren't planned or nothing, but you know what it's like.
You've both had a few drinks, you're in each other's arms, you've got 40 people in the car park cheering yous on.
Good to see you again, fella.
You look well different off my bonnet.
You legend, come here my man, innit.
Very strong wrists, as on the night, innit.
Ahh, well good to be here, Apollo, let's hear it, people! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What a summer of sport! Ain't it been amazing? I've been loving all the moves, man.
Let's do all the moves right now everyone, let's do the Mobot.
The Lightning Bolt.
The England football team.
APPLAUSE Weren't that Paralympics proper inspiring, weren't it? I was watching that with my little boy on the telly box, he turns to me, he says, "Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be disabled.
" I says, "Oh, result! "I'm claiming disability benefits for you.
" No, I'm a family man, people, I started looking into my family tree, that's proper interesting, innit? Cos I'm Lee Nelson, right? I thought I might be related to Admiral Nelson.
What a buzz would that be? You know what I mean? Imagine it, like my family, like, inventing multi-car insurance! Oh, man, the whole family, my family's proper interesting cos we're all well different.
Like, yeah, you know, me and my brother is totally different, you know, I hardly see him no more.
Sort of quite sad what happened to my brother in a lot of ways, he started hanging out with the wrong sort of people, mixing with the wrong crowd, and my brother ended up going to university.
He's properly made it now, my brother, man.
He is loaded.
He's got one of them cars with, er, with tax.
My little sister, aww, I love my little sister, she's 13 years old.
And she, I get properly, sort of, I look after her, I look out for her, that's what you've gotta do.
Like, the other day, she comes down the stairs, starts leaving the house, I says "Oi! "You ain't going out the house looking like that.
"Now you get back up stairs and you put some make-up on.
"You're never going to pull like that, you know what I mean?" Innit people, innit? All my family are so different, that's the interesting thing about it and my family, if I'm honest with you, is a little bit messed up.
A little bit, cos my old man, he left my mum for her sister.
Yeah, and that's wrong, innit? My mum still tells the story about how she found out about it actually.
Basically my mum and dad was at it in bed together one night, and my old man used to shout my mum's name out when he was finishing.
Yeah, and my mum's name is Sally and my auntie's name is Molly, and one night instead of shouting "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Sallly!" He shouts, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, been banging your sister!" It's been a tough time, man, it's been a tough time for my family recently, cos my grandad passed away.
And yeah, it was, awww, he was driving on the motorway, and he had a seizure and paralysed, couldn't move a muscle.
Hit a motorway flyover.
Sounds instant, don't it, but he was 72, he was driving at 20 mile an hour.
He saw that flyover coming towards him for 11 minutes.
We all had time to bail out.
APPLAUSE My uncle even went back for his jacket.
I got the Tom-Tom, but .
.
it's what he would have wanted, so well, it was what he wanted, I had to prise it out of his hands.
You know what, I am so excited that I'm going to be a dad again because I didn't think it was going to be possible, to be honest.
I had a health scare of my own.
I actually found, erm, I found a lump on my testicle.
And I was very lucky, actually.
I went to the doctor the second I found out about it! He done a load of tests and found it was, um, a bit of chewing gum.
Never ever get noshed off by a bird who's trying to give up smoking.
Yous lot is a nice bunch of people in here tonight.
I gotta be honest with you.
It's nice, from the posh people down here to the scum upstairs CHEERING AND BOOING Going to start chucking bottles down soon, innit? How are you doing over here, geeze? you're looking like quite a well-to-do, a sort of posh fellow, with you sweetie pie, as well, I can tell with the body language.
You're sitting there, sweetie pie, clutching your rape alarm.
No, it's all good, I got a lot of love for the posh, they just do things differently, innit? Normal people on a night out, they're like, "Down it! Down it! Down it! Down it! "Smoke some weed! Smoke some weed! Smoke some weed!" Poshos over there, "Sip it! Sip it! Sip it! "Smoke some salmon! Smoke some salmon!" Ahh, you is a legend, fella, how posh is you? Is you top level posh, is you medium posh? Tell you what, shall we do a posh test on this man and find out? AUDIENCE: Yes! All right, fella, question number one, you can tell a lot by a name, what's your full name? - Piers Collins.
- Piers Collins.
They're going to have you for breakfast up there.
Piers Collins, have you got a middle name, Piers? - Yes.
- Go on, tell us - Hope.
- What's it? - Hope.
- Hope.
- Hope's my middle name.
Why was you most embarrassed about that name? Piers Hope Collins.
That's all right, geeze, it's good, it's good, it's looking pretty posh, let's be honest, but it's nice.
OK, question number two in the posh test, let's think, Piers Hope Collins, it's all good.
All right, do you usually carry a cash card or a credit card or both? - Both.
- OK, Piers Hope Collins with both a cash card and a credit card.
Question number three.
All right What is your PIN number? He's a legend, fella.
Listen, posh is either in the family or it ain't, that's the thing about posh.
You know your parents, right? - Yes.
- Yeah? There we go, you're posh.
APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, apparently we have a load of celebrities in tonight.
Oo-ooh! Not sure exactly where they are Oh, there's James Caan.
Hello, James, do you know where any of the celebrities are? Joking, you Dragons' Den legend, nah.
Let's say 'ello, it's Ellie Crisell! How are you, babe? Ellie does the BBC news summary, which is a 90 second summary of the news, Monday through to Thursday, innit? Now, presumably working them sort of hours you can still claim for unemployment benefits? Who else we got in the house, man? We has got Ah, people, we has got a proper treat in here, right.
We has got a load of well good Olympic and Paralympic athletes.
All of them, give us a wave and let's big up Team GB! Come on, athletes! There they are .
.
legends the lot of them.
Beth Tweddle, where's Beth Tweddle? Yes, there she is, sweetie pie! She won her medal in the uneven bars, I watched that, I thought it was well good.
It does come across that you was a proper northern girl, though.
Yes, you was wearing very, very little .
.
going from bar to bar .
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and the end you couldn't quite stand up.
Oh, let's big up the athletes, man, let's big 'em up.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE My head's a little bit all over the place, if I'm honest with you, man.
I just got back from an absolutely crazy stag, right? Check this out, 12 of us went mountain biking in Iceland, it was UNBELIEVABLE, man! Till we got booted out the shop.
Oh, it's great, innit? Isn't it interesting? I love going all around the world and experiencing new things about new places.
I went to Euro Disney recent.
Yeah, it's brilliant, I never knew America was that close.
- Who here's been Euro Disney, hands up if you've been Euro Disney? - CHEERING Legend, over there, in the jacket, did you have a good time in Euro Disney? Yeahgrow up.
Nah, it is, it's good.
It's good for the dads, innit? And it's good for the kids as well because for the kids you've got all the characters walking around - Buzz Lightyear, and Mickey Mouse, and Donald Duck, yeah.
And for the dads, like me, you've got Cinderella - YES! The Little Mermaid - YES! I would, I wouldn't know how but I'd give it a go! I hired a car when I was in France, I dunno whether you done the same? They're the most mental drivers in the world, innit? They're absolutely crazy! You know, over here when you're vexed on the road, we do that, innit? That's the signal, innit? You do that when you're vexed on the road.
In France they don't do that, they got a flat hand, they do it, innit, like that.
Different culture, they don't do that, they do that, innit? And they don't say, "Wanker," French word for it is, "Wrong side!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE People, we has got a well, WELL, good line up for you tonight! Is you up for your first act of the evening? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Pop your nut, it's Stewart Francis.
# Get it all out Yeah sweat it all out.
Wow! The feeling is mutual! Ah, man, I hope I sound sincere when I say that it's an absolute thrill - to be here in - FEMALE VOICEOVER: - Beautiful London.
And I mean that.
My stage name is Stewart Francis, my real name is Barbra Streisand MUSIC: "Barbra Streisand" by Duck Sauce HE MOUTHS .
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but, apparently, someone's already using that name .
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and when I find out who I'm going to punch them right in the nose.
I dunno how you guys got here tonight, I squatted down, put my head between my knees and fell forward that's how I roll.
People say I have the legs of a dancer but until they find the rest of the body the cops have got nothing on me, man! Someone recently called me a shameless self-promoter.
Me, Stewart Francis .
.
dot com.
I've been described as being dismissive and having a limited vocabulary Pfft! Fff! Pffft! Pfft! Women! People say I'm a plagiarist - their word, not mine.
I haven't said a silly word in yonks.
I've never asked a rhetorical question.
How cool is that? Know what I'm saying? Recently accused of doing nothing but sitting around all day watching hip-hop videos by my bitch.
Shawty's all up in my grill .
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my boo's just trippin'.
She knows my flavour's hot.
I have no idea what I just said .
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and that is fo' shizzle.
I do watch a lot of television - the entire screen, for that matter.
Oh, I saw a documentary on how ships are held together! Riveting! I did not know that.
I saw a show called Last of the Summer Wine, if you haven't seen it, it's about three creepy old guys who roam the countryside trying to be funny and failing miserably No, Top Gear, it's called Top Gear, right? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Where three creepy old guys, they're both the same show, as far as I'm concerned.
In both shows the tall one's an egotistical know-it-all and the short one's always getting hurt.
Now I have some more tasteless Richard Hammond jokes so buckle up.
Some people just don't get my jokes.
The other night, there, I was at a party doing a bunch of jokes for the Red Arrows - phew! Got a joke about Moses that will divide the room.
Puns about air conditioners? Not a fan.
I have never and will never do a pun on erections - touch wood.
I like my women the way I like my skis - rented .
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with a little wax on their bottom.
Swish! Swish! Me, lazy? Don't get me started.
I really am lazy, instead of a threesome I sleep with a schizophrenic.
You guys like impressions? Yeah, me too, they're good, hope that works out for you.
To me, Ed Miliband doesn't look like a leader, to me, Ed Miliband looks like a security guard who just heard a noise in the warehouse.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.
Posh and Becks or, as I like to call them, Thick and Thin.
In an effort to improve his looks Wayne Rooney had a hair transplant - it's official, you can polish a turd.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Did I already do my deja vu, joke? I am Canadian although I truly do feel British because, well, both my parents are alcoholics.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE The more I travel, the more I learn about different cultures.
I was recently in Bangkok - do you know in Bangkok it's considered rude to display the bottom of your feet towards someone, yet shoving a coke bottle up my ass was OK with them.
I can't go to Egypt, I can't eat Egyptian food.
After I eat Egyptian food I always "falafel".
Why do I do puns about Egyptian food? Just be couscous.
Come on, where's your sense of hummus? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I recently went to Turkey.
You know it's considered rude to blow your nose into a tissue in public? Yet shoving a Coke bottle up my ass was OK with them.
At first I didn't believe my father stole from his job as a lollipop man but all the signs were there.
I used to sell loose onions, till I got the sack.
I used to be a pantomime horse, I quit while I was a head.
I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.
I started a VD clinic from scratch.
Did you know most Americans pray before they eat? Could you imagine praying 18 times a day? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I did that joke in America and they found it offensive, yet shoving a Coke bottle up my ass was OK with them.
I'm Stewart Francis, have a wonderful evening, good night! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE One more time, Stewart Francis! People, is you up for your final act of the night? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome the one, the only, it's Paul Chowdhry! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah.
What's happening, white people? Going to do some stuff for you tonight, none of the old stuff I used to do, like Purple Rain.
That's what I like about London, the weather's changing, you see people walking about, especially when the weather gets good - hot, or too cold, Cockneys COCKNEY ACCENT: "It is baking, Dave!" "I am absolutely sweltering, mate! I am sweating like a right slag!" "It's 12 degrees, Dave.
" "It's going to rain in a minute.
" Then you see Indians walking around with their coats and jackets on, INDIAN ACCENT: "It's too cold, get the coat, the jacket "the sweater-r-r-r.
" INDIAN ACCENT: "It's too cold, bastard!" COCKNEY ACCENT: "It is baking, Dave.
" Same weather, different clothes! Only people who keep this country going are the illegal minicab drivers.
I got this cab the other day, right? He starts telling me his life story.
I'm in the back, AFRICAN ACCENT: "In my country I was a doctor.
" "What?" AFRICAN ACCENT: "I was a doctor-r-r-r in my country.
" I was like, "Keep your eyes on the road, mate, "we're going to need a doctor after this ride.
" "I was a doct" "What do you need to become a doctor in your country?" "A driving licence.
" Good to see a lot of Indian people have come out tonight.
CHEERING One guy over there, where you from, gangster? "Milton Keynes"? - Still live with your parents? - No.
- This is the thing about English people get a lot more independence.
Indian people don't get the independ English, like When we want to move out we're never allowed to move out, of our family home.
"Dad, I want to move out, I want to get my own" INDIAN ACCENT: "You want to do what, bastard?" "I want to get out" INDIAN ACCENT: "You never leave this house, bastard! "You don't leave till I'm dead, you're dead, EVERYBODY'S dead ".
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and you still don't leave, bastard!" English people have a lot more independence.
COCKNEY ACCENT: "When are you going to move out, son? "You're five now ".
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when you going to go out and get a job, you scrounging little slag? "Get out and take your kids with ya!" I reckon we can all break down racial barriers in this country if we all put on the same accent as the person we're speaking to.
I think, you know, Indian restaurant, put on a slight Indian accent.
Like, "One poppadom ".
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one chicken tikka masala "one naan bread.
" Don't take it too far, like, "Bring it to me, bastard!" Don't do the head shaking and the hand movement.
Cos that's racist.
If you change your cheeks, you've gotta change your face to go with the voice - "One battered chicken.
" I did that too much in this restaurant the other day, I was like, "One battered chicken.
" The guy goes to me, "You want dick sauce with that?" "One battered chicken?" "You want dick sauce or no dick sauce?" I just dropped the accent at that point.
"Hey, listen, man, forget the dick sauce.
"What kind of restaurant is this?" "I said THICK sauce not dick sauce!" That was some pretty thick sauce when it came back.
You gotta do it everywhere, you know? That's when I want racism! I want it in a restaurant.
If I go to a Chinese restaurant I don't want some guy, COCKNEY ACCENT: "What can I get you mate?" "You can get me a Chinese waiter.
" "What's Dave doing here?" I want proper racism, I want Bernard Manning, you want, you know, CHINESE ACCENT: "One ri', two ri', how many ri' you wa'?!" "Twotwo ri'? How many ri' you want?" I want him to get so confused he doesn't even know what he's ordering.
"You want two ri' or 17 ri'?!" "28 ri' or 29 ri'?" I want it to be like Jackie Chan racial, "Hmm, how many ri' you wan'?" HE MOUTHS HE MOUTHS I want him to get so angry he takes it out on the guy in the kitchen cos you confused him during the order, "You want two ri' or three ri'? One minute, one minute Argh!" "I dunno what I just ordered ".
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but someone's getting Jackie Chan in that kitchen.
" There was one restaurant I heard about in London, got closed down because they were putting flour in the bin and onion bhajis in a basket.
When health and safety turned up they said, "Is that the bin or the bucket?" INDIAN ACCENT: "Bin, bucket, same thing.
" "Is that the kitchen or the bath?" INDIAN ACCENT: "Kitchen, bathroom, same thing.
" "Is that the fridge of the freezer?" INDIAN ACCENT: "Fridge, freezer, same thing.
" "Is that your wife or your cousin?" INDIAN ACCENT: "Wife, cousin, same thing.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's different, that's what it is.
Break down barrier, like, I travel on Virgin planes now, right? Problem is, when I travel abroad Virgin planes you can phone up your people, tell them when you're arriving at your destination - they've got phones on the planes.
Problem is most of my family speak Punjabi abroad, so when I'm telling them I'm arriving I've got to tell them in Punjabi.
I was on the plane, I was like, "I'm on, er, flight 749" HE SPEAKS PUNJABI The guy next to me shit himself.
He phoned up his wife and told her he loved her .
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and he might never see her again.
I didn't want to ruin the surprise I started reading the Koran .
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I'm not even a Muslim! This country hasn't quite clamped down, even the government, you know? Problems in this country.
You get stabbed in this country, they won't find the killers.
But if you drive down a bus lane .
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they'll take a picture of you in the car and send it to your house within 48 hours.
So if you get stabbed make sure you get stabbed in a bus lane LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's a problem, you know? Even, like, people don't even wear their seatbelts in the car - government had this campaign, going to try and help people wear a seatbelt.
This guy goes to pick up a pizza, he's not wearing a seat belt, he crashes the car, pizza's flipped up all over the place.
Pepperami everywhere He's dead.
Second take, he picks up a pizza again, crashes the car, this time he's wearing a seat belt, pizza's flipped up all over the place, pepperami everywhere, but he survives.
It says, "What have you learned from this video?" I'm like, "Get your pizza delivered.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Have a nice time, you've been a great crowd, thanks a lot, cheers.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE One more time, Paul Chowdhry! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That, people, is all we've got time for! Oh, no! People, let's hear your love one more time - Stewart Francis! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Paul Chowdhry! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I hope to see you all again WELL soon.
I hope to see you in the disabled toilets in five.
I've been Lee Nelson, this has been Live At The Apollo.
Good night, London! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE