M*A*S*H (MASH) s08e04 Episode Script

[ Man On P.
A.
.]
Chicken noodle soup.
It's an instant soup, but don't bad-mouth that.
A work of sorcerers, that radio.
Here we are on the other side of the world and we can listen to Arthur Godfrey.
[ Charles .]
Placing us among that elite group of surgeons privileged to operate by ukulele.
[ Hawkeye .]
Our radio station back home once held a contest to guess how many freckles he has.
[ B.
J.
.]
The decision of the dermatologist is final.
Comin' through! Comin' through! Who ordered a casualty? Right here, camel breath.
With all due respect, sir, better to breathe like a camel than look like one.
- [ Mock Chuckle .]
- How are ya? How are ya? How are ya? - Oh, suck it up your snout.
- This is a tough audience for you, Klinger.
You're right.
I gotta get out of these lounges and start playing the big rooms.
- Let's take a look in there.
Give me the rib spreader.
- Rib spreader.
- [ All Exclaiming .]
- What is it? Again? Come on with the lights! - [ Potter .]
Get some lanterns in here.
! - Ow! Margaret you've caught my finger in the spreader! - Geez! - I'm sorry, Doctor! I can't see! I thought that damn generator was supposed to be fixed.
Klinger, where are you? [ Klinger.]
Hiding from you, sir.
Triple-time out to that contraption and see what's going on.
- If it's kaput, crank up the auxiliary.
- [ Klinger.]
I'll fix it.
- It knows the sting of my boot.
- How's the digit, Pierce? - Throbbing along nicely.
- [ Margaret .]
I said I was sorry, Dr.
Martyr.
This doesn't surprise me with you running the maintenance section, Zale.
Probably the first time you've seen the inside of one of these.
Don't get too close, Klinger.
You'll catch your nose in the driveshaft.
You wouldn't know where to find the driveshaft.
You keep crowdin' me, I'll know where to find it! - I'll start the backup generator.
- Why don't you do that? Good ol' Zale.
The army's first career chimp.
Oh, no, no, no! Great! Terrific!Just dandy! Hey, Bonzo, the auxiliary generator is missing! What? You think somebody stole it? No.
It made electricity and walked out under its own power.
Shine it right in the gory stuff, son.
Carolina cow pies! What are they doin'? Stringin' Christmas lights out there? Damn! I'll be glad when Radar gets back.
[ B.
J.
.]
Will you center that light? I've lost a clamp in there.
What's the matter, Hunnicutt? Don't you like playing ''blind surgeon's bluff''? - [ Hawkeye .]
Retractor.
- Retractor.
Aah! [ Grunts .]
Margaret, you're gonna have to hold that back for me.
- It hurts that badly? - No.
I always keep both eyes in the same socket.
- I'm really sorry.
- It's not your fault.
We should've used the rib spreader with the night light on it.
- Suction here.
- Suction's out, Colonel.
Oh, yeah.
Well, pack in some sponges.
Come on, Klinger! I'm a romantic, but soft lights and surgery just don't mix.
Okay.
I think she's ready.
- Turn it on! - Okay! I'll turn it on! [ Motor Whirring Fitfully .]
Yeah, yeah.
This baby's just like my wife.
You know, you give her a little extra attention once in a while - and she purrs like a kitten.
- [ Engine Sputters, Conks Out .]
- [ Grumbles .]
- Your wife's a lemon, Zale.
- [ Sparking .]
- I don't like the sound of that sizzle.
Turn it off! - You turn it off! - [ Sparking, Exploding .]
Here's how I see it, Zale.
On the way over to tell Colonel Potter maybe we'll get lucky and step on a land mine.
Hey, listen.
If I'm not back to my unit by oh-noon-hundred, I'm gonna be AWOL without leave.
My heart bleeds, but I've gotta bump ya.
General Imbrie needs that seat to carry his likeness.
- His what? - A five-foot cardboard cutout he made of himself.
- It's his Christmas present to his troops.
- It's not even near Christmas.
When you're a general, you can have Christmas anytime you want.
The bigger they are, the weirder they are.
Well, it's not fair.
Nobody should be allowed to take up two seats, no matter how many of'em he is.
First time I ever seen anybody in a hurry to get to Korea.
Relax.
There's another flight in six hours.
Six hour-- - Hey, Mac? - The name's Olsen.
I'm sorry.
Hey, Olsen? How'd you like to make a little green stuff, huh? - How much? - I got four bucks that ain't doin' nothin'.
- Get me that seat, and they're all yours.
- Scram.
- Two now.
Two when you deliver.
- Get lost.
Boy, some guys just can't be bought.
Hello.
I wasn't staring at you, honest.
I was just-- I was lookin' at the garbage can.
- That's a good one.
Oh, boy.
- [ Laughs .]
- Where are you headed? - Me? Korea.
The war.
I'm company clerk at the 4077 th MASH.
I run things.
- You work in a MASH? - Mm-hmm.
I volunteered for a MASH, but it never came through.
I spent my whole tour at Tokyo General.
I'm Patty Haven.
Oh, you are? Oh, I'm Walter O'Radar-- I mean, I'm Walter O'Reilly.
But you can call me Radar or Corporal.
- So you're a nurse? - Yeah.
Right.
I love nurses-- respect-wise, I mean.
The nurses back at the 4077 th are really tops.
I mean, they put in more hours than the doctors.
They never complain or nothin' although Major Houlihan would kill 'em if they did.
- I bought 'em perfume.
- Oh! Yeah.
It's French.
It's made by a littleJapanese guy on the Ginza.
Good stuff.
Smells good.
That's very thoughtful of you.
- So which ''where'' are you headed to? - Home.
- Oh.
- Lancaster, Missouri.
Lancaster? Wow.
That's only about 1 00 miles from where I'm from-- Ottumwa, Iowa.
- You're from Ottumwa? - Yeah.
Gee, isn't that amazing? Boy, I sure am glad that general screwed me over.
Give him a quarter gram of morphine.
?? [ Singing .]
?? [ Humming .]
?? [ Singing Resumes, Stops .]
- Hello.
- Who are you? Young Dr.
Pierce, better known as The Shadow specializing in surgery and lurking in the dark.
- How long am I gonna hurt like this? - Two or three days and then the pain'll subside.
Think of it as a typical weekend in Cleveland.
You can make it.
Ow! Just what I need: Pierce and anybody else who might be out there.
Hi, Colonel.
When are we gonna get back to the 20th century? We're not talkin' chipped beef here.
Generators are mighty scarce.
It'd be easier to find a buffalo in Times Square.
- Colonel, can you grope your way down here for a minute? - That you, Hunnicutt? - Mm-hmm.
- Keep talkin'.
I'll find ya.
Ah, Padre.
We sure could use some of your enlightenment around here.
I'd say a special prayer, but we've never come up with a patron saint of electricity.
Got a distended abdomen here.
I need some gastric suction.
You're right.
You wanna evac him over to the 8063rd? - I don't think he'd enjoy the ride.
- Well, when the chips are down you go back to the basics.
We'll whomp up a good old-fashioned, hand-operated Wangensteen suction.
Wangensteen? Those things went out with rumble seats.
- I've never even heard of that.
- It's a thingamabob dreamed up in the '30s by a Dr.
Owen Wangensteen.
- I'll go over to the lab and get what we need.
- Forget the lab.
We gotta go Wangensteen one bigger.
What we need's in the kitchen.
Anything but the food.
That kid's sick enough already.
I know it's 6:00 in the morning, Lieutenant, but I've got to talk to General MacArthur.
Just tell him Max Klinger's on the phone.
Yeah.
He knows me.
I've been sending him love letters for a year.
Hello? Hello! See if he gets my vote for dictator.
- You get one, Klinger? - Sir, I have gone through this whole book.
I even tried to reach a North Korean unit.
If there's an extra generator in Asia, nobody's talking about it.
Pigeon pellets! Get on the track and go it again.
And while you're at it, make arrangements with the 8063rd to babysit our more serious patients.
Then find out where we can store our blood and perishable drugs.
Got it? - I got it, sir.
Right after breakfast.
- Now, Klinger.
Move it.
- Right, sir.
Famine is fun.
- Klinger, I didn't mean to hurt your fe-- - Nobody wants Radar back more than me, sir.
- Move it! - You know what I miss the most? - Uh-uh.
Curling up in front of a fireplace during a rainstorm.
- Oh, yeah.
- And after it's over, the hay smells so sweet you wanna fight the animals for a taste of it.
I like the rain too.
'Cept I'm usually sweeping mud off the porch for days.
- You like grape Nehi? - I adore grape Nehi.
- No kidding? - Yeah.
Wow! Hey, maybe when the snack bar opens, we could split one, huh? I'd love it.
So, what are you gonna do when you get out of the service, Radar? Well, I don't really know for sure yet.
I do know I wanna stay around Ottumwa.
That's where all my family is-- my mom and my Uncle Ed.
It's been sort of real rough on 'em, trying to run the farm alone.
I mean, my mom's health is only fair, and Uncle Ed isn't as young as me anymore.
You'd like my Uncle Ed though.
He knows every joke that's ever been told.
Couple of'em are even funny.
- Maybe someday I'll meet him and your mom.
- Yeah.
Sure.
- Yeah.
- [ Olsen .]
Hey, buddy.
! You! Lover boy.
I got you on a cargo flight to Kimpo.
- Uh, no, thanks.
I'll wait.
- It's warmin' up right now.
Hangar number four.
Uh, look, I appreciate it, but no thanks anyhow.
- I'll just wait for my regular flight.
- Listen, bub.
I held up a footlocker to make room for you.
Get out there.
- I'll give you four bucks to forget the whole thing.
- [ Olsen .]
Get out there.
Two now and-- [ Sighs .]
[ Airplane Propeller Whirring, Faint .]
Damn.
I mean, shoot.
I was even gonna buy you breakfast and everything.
- I'm glad I met you, Radar.
- Yeah.
But it was only for less than an hour.
Lancaster's only Hey, yeah.
And I could drive my Uncle Ed's Studebaker there as long as I stopped for water every 1 0 minutes.
[ Olsen .]
Romeo, it's time to hit the wild blue yonder.
Listen.
Let's look for each other back home, okay? Promise.
Promise.
[ Potter.]
Get it before it rots, people.
This is the last fresh food you'll have till we find a new generator.
He wants some more meat loaf.
She'll have another slab of liver.
A good breakfast'll stick to your ribs.
I think I can live with no electricity and even with boiling my instruments but I draw the line at liver hanging from my ribs.
How can you expect me to eat all this? I can't even lift it.
Come on, Margaret.
I can always count on you to pack it away.
- What? - Yet somehow you still manage to keep that girlish figure.
- That's better.
-Just a roll and two pats of that lard you're passing off as butter, if you will.
And a side of everything else.
Lean heavy on the halibut patties.
No.
Colonel, no.
I-- I despise halibut patties.
You'll love these, and that's an order.
I'll never forget you for this.
- [ Groans .]
Colonel, the Koreans are here.
- Fine.
Have 'em belly up to the buffet.
[ Zale .]
Okay, people.
Come on in now.
Hey, hey.
! Single file.
No buttin'in.
[ Potter .]
Now, don't be shy, folks.
I know you're guests, but this has all got to go.
So don't be afraid to ask for seconds-- even tenths! Would you care for an aperitif? Could I interest you in some halibut patties? Perhaps for your ox? There's one advantage to having a bum finger: I can't pick up the fork.
You don't have to.
This food comes when you call it.
The sad thing is, one man's poison is another man's meat.
[ Radar.]
Hey, could you please step on it? I'm about 20 miles an hour too late.
[ Driver.]
Take it easy.
For a guy who just got off R & R, you sure are a nervous Nellie.
[ Radar.]
Well, I'm sorry.
I had a rough life the last two weeks.
You should've seen how they crushed me into the back of that cargo plane.
Crunched me in the backseat of a jeep that was lyin' on its side.
I was gettin' carsick and airsick at the same time.
I wouldn't have minded so much if I was squeezed in there with Patty.
- Who? - My gal.
I had to leave her behind.
You know how it is.
[ Soldier.]
Hey, it's LaGrow.
Sarge, this is your big chance to save Uncle Sam three pairs of boots.
How lucky can I get? Okay, you clowns, come on.
Hey, fellas, you know what? I don't think there's enough room for all of us in here.
- Hey, who's this? - Guy from a MASH.
I'm givin' him a lift.
Come on.
Uh, look.
One guy could just wait for a jeep, you know.
There'll be one passin' by pretty soon, I'm sure.
You know like, one guy could wait right there.
What the heck.
I was the first one on.
Figures I oughta be the first one off.
I had part of a ride, anyway.
- Could you give me my duffel bag, please? - Sure.
Hey, be careful! [ Grunts .]
Oh, now you got it full of broken perfume! Well, there she is: Dr.
Wangensteen's magic suction machine.
Why do I feel as though we've hooked him up to a still? Colonel, how on earth does this thing work? Simple really.
The pickle jar here is empty.
The mustard jug has fluid in it.
When it's turned up like this and I release this clamp the fluid flows through here, causes the suction in the nasogastric tube and the aspirated material collects down here in the chipped beef can.
- Remarkable.
- And very handy if we wanna put him on intravenous hot dogs.
Normally you'd use I.
V.
bottles, but the jugs are bigger, and they give it a homey touch.
- Colonel, permission to let you down.
- I don't wanna hear it.
Then I'll just cry on your buttons.
There's not a generator to be had anyplace.
Please.
Just label me a failure and let me live out my life in peaceful shame.
I haven't been this moved since Heidi.
- Okay,Joe.
You're home.
- [ Radar.]
Home? Oh, boy.
Ooh! Geez.
I've had it.
Oh, you have hurt neck.
Ifix for you.
- Oh, no, no, no, no! Thanks.
I know a lot of doctors here.
- Oh, I'm much better.
- Hold still.
- [ Neck Cracks .]
- How's that, sir? - Better.
Different.
Good.
That'll be four bucks.
[ Nurse .]
Hey, look.
! It's Radar.
! Radar is back.
! [ All Clamoring .]
[ Radar.]
Hey, don't push, okay, guys? I gotta-- - Radar.
! Ha-ha.
! Welcome back, son.
- Thank you, sir.
I think I missed you even more than I miss Mildred.
Whoo! Get a whiff of him! We're standing around in a coal mine and he's been wrestling with every woman in Tokyo.
It was four guys that got me to smell like this.
- Uh-huh.
- As long as you had a good time.
- What happened to you? - Huh? Oh, that's just a reminder that my finger is sprained.
You got back in the nick of time.
While you were away, both our generators went AWOL.
- ''Absent without electricity.
'' - Oh, geez.
I should've stayed at the airport.
[ Klinger .]
Radar, Radar, Radar.
! You've come back to me! Ah, thank you, thank you! Let me carry you to your office.
The phone awaits.
- You even smell wonderful.
- Ow! Now, wait just a doggone minute! I just got back for criminy sakes! - I'm gonna get somethin' to eat and take a shower.
- No time for the shower, son.
And the only grub we got is C-rations.
We'll deliver 'em to ya.
Colonel, I'm tired and hungry, and I smell like my cow Betsy before a show.
Wow.
If he wants to take a shower, it must be an emergency.
- [ All Chattering .]
- I don't know what the big deal is anyway.
A generator's only a three-call finagle.
I mean, a couple boxes of toilet paper here a canned ham there, there'll be all kinds of trucks rollin' in with generators.
Well, if it's that easy, no sense putting it off.
- Oh, gee.
- Come on.
- Okay, Klinger.
- [ All Cheering .]
Just pay attention for a second, Klinger, and this-- Oh, my gosh.
Oh! Look what you've done to this place! - You ''shamble-ized'' it! - I didn't get a chance to tidy this morning.
- Get out of here, Klinger! - But Colonel Potter said for me to watch y-- - Go! Go! Get away from me before I get physically emotional.
- Okay, okay.
Boy, you sure don't act as sweet as you smell.
- Out! - I'm out! [ Sighs .]
Geez, you go away for a little R & R and this place goes to heck in a handbasket.
Hello? Hi, Sparky.
Sparky, it's Radar.
Yes, I'm back.
I wish I wasn't.
Huh? Hu-- You're telling me! You should see the way he left this place.
What do you expect? He's one of those big-city yokels.
Yeah.
Well, I guess it's a bear we all gotta cross.
Sparky, listen.
We could use a generator here.
Well, I could let you have an inflatable wading pool.
I got a neat collection of SpikeJones records with a lot of burps and-- [ Gulps .]
on 'em.
Yeah? And guess what? I can give you a really sexy smelling duffel bag.
Huh? Well, is it a deal? What do you mean, no? Well, there's gotta be a generator around somewhere.
[ Klinger.]
Hey, hey! There he is! Welcome, kid.
- It's not often we get a savior in the place.
- Oh, knock it off, will ya? - Sorry about the mess.
- I cleaned it for two hours.
There was another mess under it.
So tell me.
How did you finally get the generator? - I didn't.
- Come on.
- I'm tellin' ya.
I couldn't get one.
- What? - You failed? - Grape Nehi.
Hold the straw.
Kid, I'm sorry.
Don't worry though.
You'll bounce back.
You're young.
You got a lot of talent.
- Oh, ick.
It's warm! - Sure it is.
The recipe for ice is water and electricity.
Oh, boy.
One break.
I can't catch one lousy break.
I have a cruddy time in Tokyo.
Then I meet a girl for the first time in our lives, and I get dragged away from her.
Then I nearly die on the way home here, and then when I get here, I let everybody down.
To top it all off, my Nehi's warm! Go ahead.
Spill your guts out, soldier.
That's what I'm here for.
My finger looks like it belongs on Mickey Mouse's hand.
- I think it looks just swell.
- This could be a serious injury, you know.
There could be broken blood vessels in there, loss of circulation.
- When are your parents coming for you? - Does it look blue to you? No.
It seems just as happy as the other fingers.
- Either of you seen Radar? - Last I saw him, he was in the Officers Club having a touch of the grape.
- Why? What's wrong? - Plenty.
I just got a wire from the boy's mother in Iowa.
Radar's Uncle Ed passed away.
Oy.
Yeah.
Oy.
[ Exhales Strongly .]
[ Blows .]
- [ B.
J.
.]
Join the army and see the dawn.
- [.
Jets Roar Overhead .]
There go the milkmen.
- [ Hawkeye .]
What'd your mom say, Radar? - Mostly that she's okay.
Uncle Ed's funeral is tomorrow.
Everybody in Ottumwa is gonna be there.
Except me.
Our neighbor Mr.
Whitsett said he would look after the farm till everything's settled.
Then Mom can take over for herself.
She says it's about time she gets off her fat you-know-what anyway.
It's not gonna be easy for her, though, is it? As I remember the lady has some high blood pressure.
Yep.
A little arthritis when it rains too.
But she says she's fine.
- [ Mulcahy .]
Quite a woman, your mother.
- Yeah.
I know.
Takes after her son.
- How about you, Radar? You all right? - Huh? Yeah.
I'm okay.
I mean, I don't wanna be, but I guess I have to be.
I'm the man of the family now.
That's right, son.
And you're going home.
Go get yourself a DA-7 hardship discharge and type your name on it.
I'm goin' home, sir? Radar, Lord knows your mother is a strong woman, but she won't make it alone.
You oughta be there with her.
You heard him right, Radar.
Your time has come.
I'll notify the Red Cross, and they'll have ''I'' Corps process you tout de suite.
- You should be home in time for Sunday night supper.
- Save some leftovers for us.
- Home.
I'm going home? - Where you belong.
Just like that.
Yep.
Just like that.
Radar, I'm very happy for ya.
Yeah.
I'm happy for me too.
I guess.