My Family (2000) s08e04 Episode Script

You see, Olivia, look, there's nothing to worry about.
Just a little cleaning, that's all, isn't it, Mummy? A little cleaning.
So, come on, come on, open wide.
Give me the teddy.
Come on, come on.
All right, there you see, Mr Teddy likes his teeth cleaned.
Don't you, Mr Teddy? Oh, I love my teeth cleaned.
I love my teeth cleaned.
You see, look.
Look, there's nothing to worry about.
There.
Oh, look, he's loving that.
(Cries) It's all right.
There you are.
There.
(Door bangs) funny A-ha! - How did you hear? - Hear what? My big news.
I have big news.
- Yeah, well, let me tell you mine.
- No, I want to tell you mine.
I think we're gonna have a problem.
- Let's toss for it.
- OK, let's toss.
- Heads or tails? - Heads.
I became manager of the art gallery today.
- You didn't look at it.
- I couldn't wait to tell you.
I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say, it's more money.
Oh, really? More money? Well, that compliments mine, my dear.
My big news is, I'm quitting my job.
What? I'm selling my practice to the Cavitex Corporation.
The ones with the adverts with Bristles, that stupid singing bear? Listen, my darling, that stupid bear is gonna bring us a whole shedload of money.
Ho-ho-ho.
Enough for you to retire? Well, no, we'll have to bodge it a bit, but you know, hey, there are positives.
Like what? I won't have to do anything.
And I'm practically stealing from the Cavitex Corporation in the first place.
And you, you'll be earning more money, won't you? - Yes.
- Eh, remember, Mrs Manager? This has come pretty quickly.
You've only been there three months.
- Two years.
- Two years.
Still, I suppose it means you can spend more time with the family.
True, but that shouldn't stop me.
- Here's to me.
- Here's to us.
Here's to us.
Does this jacket say sophistication or is it too artsy? It screams sophistication with just the right amount of artsy.
I want to strike a balance between artistic and powerful.
It needs to say "I'm in charge, but not bossy.
" Your jacket has many personalities.
Stop worrying.
Your jacket didn't get the promotion, you did.
All right, all right.
So, not bossy, then? - Quickly! - No, not bossy.
Mum told us about you retiring.
So, where you off to, Spain, South of France? I'll be here.
Oh, didn't invest wisely.
What will you do with all your free time? I've decided on a hobby.
- What hobby? - Mm, promise not to laugh? I promise.
I'm going to paint the model figurines of famous battles.
(Laughs) Sorry, go on.
And I'm gonna build dioramas to put the figures on.
(Laughs hysterically) You did promise not to laugh.
How could I foresee your hobby would be that ridiculous? - It's a perfectly legitimate hobby.
- Of course it is.
I've got a hobby.
It really relieves the tension and leaves you feeling refreshed.
- I do it every morning in the shower.
- OK, please, stop there.
What's wrong with singing in the shower? I can't be late for my first day as manager.
Wish me luck.
You're gonna need it in that jacket.
- You don't like my jacket? - You laughed at my hobby.
See, hurts, doesn't it? Oh, Janey, I'm sorry, I can't watch Kenzo tonight.
That's OK, I won't be going anywhere.
I dumped Richard.
I thought you liked him.
He had this creepy habit.
He couldn't stop smiling.
He smiled through everything, and I mean everything! What is wrong with these guys? Oh, Janey, darling, I love you, you're my daughter, blah, blah, blah, - but have you ever thought it might be you? - What? What is the one common element in all your failed relationships? They're all prats! Oh, God! It's me? - Darling, I have to run.
- What? - Talk to your father about it.
- Dad? - Me? - I'd rather talk to a wall, no offence.
None taken.
I'd rather you did talk to a wall too.
Dad doesn't know anything about relationships.
These are all very good books on how to manage relationships.
They might be of some help.
- Why do you have so many? - I'm married to your father.
How To Manage Your Partner's Anger.
This one looks like it's been torn in half and taped back together.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yep, that was not a good night.
That was a very bad night.
Hello, Ben.
Wonderful news.
Please, hold on.
What are you writing? I'm writing gibberish to make it look like I'm too busy to talk to you, then you'll leave, but it's not working.
Ben, I've been bought out by Cavitex too! We're finally gonna be working for the same company.
Oh, really? Well, I'm not staying.
What, not even to work alongside me? As tempting as that may sound, Roger, no.
I'm taking this opportunity of running like hell and never looking back.
With companies like Cavitex, you're just a nameless, faceless employee.
Yes, I know.
Isn't it exciting? I'm going to be employee number 1378.
(Laughs) - I hope I'm not interrupting.
- Not at all, Mr Griffith, 1378 was just leaving.
Right, I suppose you have my contract to sign.
I do, but first I wanted to talk to you about staying on here.
We'd love to have you as part of the Cavitex family.
Please, don't mention the F word.
- Is there nothing will persuade you to stay? - Nope, I will not be a cog in your machine.
I was born to be a cog.
You're everything that's wrong with dentistry today, Mr Griffith, everything.
All you are concerned about is money.
Is that my cheque? - If you sign these papers, we'll send it to you.
- Yep.
You might want to look that over before you sign it.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, I'm out.
Out of this stinking hellhole.
You can take your poxy surgery and stick it.
- Well, I'm glad you're here, Roger.
- Please, call me 1378.
(Both laugh) Right, here's your Cavitex employee manual for you to memorise.
Sucker.
Don't let the door hit you on the way out, Mr Griffith.
Ben, I love everything about this company.
Especially Bristles, the bear with brush, brush, brush, brush, brushittude.
You're just a lap dog, Roger.
Oh, thanks, Ben.
Lap dogs are so cuddly and lovable.
(Ben laughs) You really don't know how to take an insult, do you? Janey, what are you doing here? It's these books you gave me.
What about them? They just seem a bit specific.
I mean, Does Your Husband Hate Your Children? Manic Depressives And The Women Who Love Them.
Living Well When You're Dead Inside.
That last one's a real page turner.
I don't think they deal with what's wrong with me.
I'm sorry, I have to prepare for the Peter Hendry opening, and find an assistant for my old job.
This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me and I need help.
Oh, I've got the answer.
You do? I'm too self-absorbed.
Well done, Mr Crompton, up you come.
That's a good boy, all finished.
- We're not done, are we? - Mm-hm.
I am, you can spit all you like.
That seems a little bit rushed.
Perhaps because I was just ploughing though.
You know, Mr Crompton, you're my last patient ever.
My God, it felt really good to say that out loud.
I was your first patient.
Aren't you even gonna say goodbye? Oh, are you still here? What's gonna happen to me? It's all right, you'll be in the impersonal hands of the Cavitex Corporation.
Who knows, they might even get a robot to work on you, or perhaps even an idiot.
I thought you could use these empty boxes for packing.
Why? I'm not taking anything.
After 25 years, you must have some personal effects.
No.
Oh, well, I see you took the fish home.
If by home you mean flushed down the toilet, then yes.
You know, Ben I'm really gonna miss working alongside you.
I mean Ah Look at that.
My very, very first scaler.
(Plays chord) - (Out of tune) - Ah, that's better.
Touch that tractor, Mr Harper, and you'll be out this window quicker than you can say Llanfairpwllgwyngyll gogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch! - Out.
- I was only joking.
I wasn't.
As I haven't seen a pound for this room yet, I'm requisitioning this room as my model room for me toy soldiers.
Oh, I don't mind if you do your hobby in my room, Mr Harper.
In fact, I'll enjoy the company.
We'll have good fun.
Yeah, let me think about that.
Hello, roommate.
I want that pain in the arse out of my room! I thought your father moved into Alfie's room.
He did, and I'm stuck with Alfie.
Michael, relax, your father will get bored with his hobby in a few days - and you'll get your room back.
- That's it? What kind of help is that? Sorry, I have too many problems of my own.
The way things are at the moment, I won't even have time to cook.
If you're trying to cheer me up, it won't work.
Hiya, Mikey, how's it going? - It stinks.
- Good.
Well, you're in a good mood.
I'm starting my new life, I have a whole new attitude.
But still ignoring your children? Yep, but I'm doing it with a spring in my step.
God, those place mats are awful.
These are prints by an artist we're showing at the gallery.
But they're rubbish.
There's more to art than beauty, Ben.
Perhaps the artist wants you to feel pain or chaos or confusion You're right, they are rubbish, aren't they? Just brushed my teeth.
My breath is minty fresh.
Which side of the bed do you want to sleep on? Both sides.
You get the floor.
I have a bad back.
Tough! You're turning into your father.
Don't you ever say that! You know, growing up on a farm, we used to sleep three to a bed.
Yeah, right, you and two pigs.
Oh, I'd forgotten I'd told you.
I really appreciate you taking me in like this, Michael.
You won't even notice I'm here.
Oh, you noticed.
Ah! Wow! (Makes shooting noises) Wow! So, Jillian, do you think you have the skills for this position? Of course, it's just answering the phone and sticking red dots on paintings.
A chimp could do it.
I've been doing that job for the last two years.
Those red dots have to be ordered, you know.
Ohh! Great! OK, you lie there.
You have been hit by musket fire at very close range.
So, do you think you'd fit in here? Yeah, I love art, especially that bloke who did the head of blood, and the one who cuts animals in half.
You know, what's his name? Damien Hurst.
Yeah, that's him.
I find vivisection and dismemberment really beautiful.
So, it'd just be you and me here alone most of the time, huh? No, we have several security guards and and a dog.
A very, very, very big dog.
(Sighs) Get a fight started.
Fabulous! Let's get you done.
OK, let's do it.
Come on, babies.
Yeah! I'm sorry, Colin, but when I asked your favourite artist, I was thinking more Van Gogh or Jackson Pollock, not Nellie Furtado.
Hi, Susan.
Well done on your promotion.
Oh, thanks, Abi.
Heard you were looking for someone to fill your shoes.
Oh, Abi, that's very bold of you to try, but, how can I put this gently? I don't think you have the grace or the style that a job like this demands.
I think intellectually, culturally and dare I say it, socially, you'd be way out of your depth.
Actually, I just dropped by with your congratulations card but thanks for your opinion.
You have to push.
Oh, no! But why do we always have to get Chinese? Because you like Chinese.
OK, fine, we'll order Indian.
You know what curry does to me.
Now we share a room, I do.
You two really need to work things out.
It's not me, it's him.
He's impossible.
Couples often assign blame.
Not couple.
Look, I picked up some great new books at the library, and I really think I could help you.
You've read all of those? No, just the dust jackets, but there's a lot of good stuff here.
Personally, I think an objective point of view couldn't hurt.
I'm too hungry to care.
Then, may I make a suggestion? Pizza? - I could do that.
- She's good.
Take a seat.
I'm going to ask you both a few questions.
You see, I suspect that the fabric of your relationship is in the throes of an enmeshed dysfunctional Just ask your bloody questions! - How's your sex life? - Pretty good.
- What?! - I'm saying, pretty good.
Oh, us, God, no! - This is ridiculous.
- Mikey I'm willing to work through our issues but he is distant and closed off.
Michael, you have to be open if you're going to make progress in your relationship.
I'm not in a relationship, I'm ordering pizza.
It takes time.
Morning.
It's night.
Dad, you all right? I'm fine, Mikey, fine, fine.
Just looking for some butter to, erm get this soldier off my face.
I'm I'm dizzy.
I'm not surprised, you've been in your hobby room all day inhaling paint and glue.
Janey, just cos I've got a soldier stuck to my face, doesn't mean that I'm Morning.
Oh, well, hello, you're really late.
Well, there was so much to do at work.
Walls to retouch, pictures to hang caterers to organise.
Don't you have people to do that for you? Um, yes, but they left.
- You fired them, didn't you? - I didn't like their tone.
- All of them? - They were in cahoots.
So, still enjoying doing nothing? I would hardly call it doing nothing.
I'll have you know I'm retreating from Moscow tomorrow.
Sounds exciting.
It's very exciting.
Very, and I've got a thousand figures still to paint.
I can't wait.
- I could help you at the gallery.
- You're bored, aren't you? Susan, it's like watching paint dry.
No, wait, it is watching paint dry.
- A little to the right.
- Mm-hm.
Down.
Now, up a little to the left.
More.
- More.
- You just cancelled out what I've just done.
It's still crooked.
Up a little to the left now.
Up a little to the right.
I think, you know Ah, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, I see the problem.
Ah, perfect.
I forgot to do the flowers and I still need to do the floor.
Floor? You don't think you could figure out how to work this thing, do you? Hello, hello, I've been polishing teeth all my life, I think I can buff a floor.
Thank you, thank you, I'll be back in an hour.
Remind me to do that thing you like, later.
What, with a French accent and everything? But of course, monsieur.
OK, baby, let's see what kind of horsepower you've got.
Easy, easy, easy! When I'm ready, OK? Good.
Ooh! Ooh, you feel good.
You feel good.
OK, baby, let's do it.
(Hums) (# Marching music) - What are you doing? - Yoga.
Your clothes would restrict you how? (Alfie) Yoga is important to me.
I need it to realign my chakras every day.
You might wanna wash your chakras occasionally.
OK, let's try a little role reversal, shall we? Alfie, you be Michael, Michael, you be Alfie.
You go first.
All right.
(Welsh accent) Hm, I think I'll give up yoga.
I didn't mean like that.
Alfie, you try.
Hello, I'm Michael.
I hide my sexual frustration behind a studious facade.
- That's it! - OK, OK, OK, OK! Michael, you just have to accept that Alfie likes yoga.
Alfie, you have to accept that Michael's sexually frustrated.
You're not helping.
All I'm saying is, you both want each other to be the person you want them to be, and not the person they are.
Like you've done with every guy you've ever gone out with? What are you talking about? He's saying, you're assigning your own problems and issues to others.
It's a textbook case of projection.
Maybe you're right.
Poor Richard.
I dumped him because he smiled a lot.
I'm going to call him.
Well, I think we've all had a breakthrough.
Don't you dare try to hug me.
Perfect! - Oh, Ben, it's beautiful.
- I know, I know.
You're welcome.
I'm almost frightened to walk on it, it's so Ohh! How much wax did you use? I mean, it's the usual Ben! (Doorbell) - Richard.
- Janey, I was glad you called, - I've been so miserable.
- Me too.
Look, I know I messed things up, but I took a good hard look at myself, and from now on I'm going to be more understanding and less critical.
And I'm gonna try and be more upbeat, cos I think we make a great couple, and I can see us being together for a long, long time.
I'm sorry, I can't do it.
Really, this work is best appreciated from below the painting, looking upward.
Excuse me a moment.
Ben? Ben.
Help yourself to a drink.
A word.
(Glass smashing) Ohh! I think it's going well.
Now, come on, it wasn't all that bad, you know.
Are you sure you should be drinking that on your medication? After tonight, I don't care.
I thought it was pretty memorable.
It was like the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan on ice.
I don't know how I'm going to pay for the damages.
Ah, well, there you go, there you go, you see, good old Ben to the rescue again.
Look at this, look what I've got here - a little letter from Cavitex, which means, inside, ha, ha, ha, the cheque.
Look at That's That can't be right.
You did read the contract, didn't you? I'm not an idiot, Susan.
- It's fine, don't worry! (Laughs) - Did you forget something? - Hello, Mr Griffith.
- Hello.
Ah I was thinking, about the way you begged me to stay, and I understand that, and I am prepared to share my years of experience with you and the Cavitex family.
As I recall, Mr Harper, you said that Cavitex is precisely what's wrong with dentistry today.
Then, just before telling me to stick it, you said you'd no interest in being a cog in a machine and called this poxy surgery a stinking hellhole.
You, sir, have a good memory.
Are we done here, Mr Harper? Look, Mr Griffith, please, I am I am a man of dignity, but in this case, I'm prepared to drop that out of a window and beg you on my knees, please.
I'll do anything, anything! Well, I can't deny you'd be a valuable asset to the Cavitex team.
Team, team, that's it, you see.
Hello, hello, I'm a team player.
Welcome aboard, Harper.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Actually, it's good timing on your part, we're about to take some photos for the company newsletter.
- Oh, sure.
- Diana, send in the photographer, please.
- Yes, sir.
- This way.
You do realise that Cavitex demands the highest standard from its employees? - No, no, of course.
- Ah, good, here they are.
Come in.
Is this really necessary? No, but it makes me happy.
Right, you two, nice and close.
That's it, cuddle up.
Relax, Ben, it's me.
Come on.