Scrubs s08e04 Episode Script

J.
D.
: Life's great.
With the Janitor fired, I can walk the halls without fear.
I don't even hesitate around corners anymore.
But maybe I should.
L-can-feel-little-J.
D.
Five? - No thanks, Todd.
- But I can and I want my five.
Plus, Elliot and I were better friends than we'd been in a long time.
We were going to movies.
I really liked that.
Oprah produced it.
We were going out to dinner.
My salmon was great.
You know, Oprah owns that restaurant.
And on weekends when I had Sam, she even came over for breakfast.
I could make pancakes, or we can have Oprah O's.
And check this out.
Who wants to eat some cereal? - That's funny.
- J.
D.
: That's it? Not only did I rig this box, but I got Whitney in Payroll to tape her Oprah voice.
I've been working on this joke for over a week, and all you can muster is a little chuckle? - Who wants to eat some cereal? - Stop.
- Who wants to eat some cereal? - It's broken.
- Who wants to eat some cereal? - Stop it! - Who wants to eat some cereal? - Stop, stupid box! Okay, so I'm gonna add a little pressure now, sir.
That's all right.
It's perfectly natural.
That was you.
Yeah, I know.
But it's still perfectly natural.
Lovely.
It's your own fault.
You're the only attending who sticks around for an entire exam when he calls for a surgical consult.
- Why is that? - No reason.
Oh, so you don't want to say? That's cool.
I know you hate that I call Carla "baby" all the time, so I'll just call you "baby" until you tell me.
- Does that sound good, baby? - Don't do that.
Oh, what's the matter, baby? Look, surgeons always want to slice people open, whether it's the best option or not.
No disrespect, but you're just not that bright.
You have no idea how to do anything else.
Unfortunately, sick people are also very, very stupid, and will almost always agree to anything that a bloodletting corpse carpenter, such as yourself, tells them.
I simply stay in the room to make sure they make the right choice.
So you don't trust me? Oh, that's right.
That is an easier way to say it.
Baby! Baby! There he is.
Right on schedule.
J.
D.
: Maybe it was the free muffins for life, but Dr.
Kelso still hangs out here every day.
Morning, everybody.
- Morning, Bob.
- Morning, Bob.
I'm like Norm in this bitch.
Ted finally said what we were all thinking.
Why are you spending your retirement hanging around the place you used to work? It's so sad.
By comparison, it almost makes my life seem No, still sad.
Yeah.
Seriously, don't you have anything better to do? Come on, people.
I've got tons of stuff going on.
I golf, I play gin with the boys.
In fact, I am just here to stock up on muffins.
Donny, four roadies, please.
Today, Enid and I are leaving to go spend a week in the wine country.
Of course, you know how Enid complains.
Anyplace I take her is whine country.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Anyway, keep my table warm.
Adiós.
What are you doing? Oh, that's the sound I hear in my head whenever people leave.
Whatever.
I will see you after work.
You should really hesitate before going around corners.
I was thinking that earlier.
Hey, since that chief-doctor person that fired me is gone, I'm back.
- Yay.
- I knew you'd react that way.
And since Jimmy, the overly-touchy orderly, got his job back, too, I took the liberty of telling him how much you missed him.
- Hey! I missed you, too.
What's new? - Oh, nothing, man.
Good - You seem a little clenched.
- Well Uh-oh.
Found a treasure trove.
Where's the gold? - Take my little pickax and get to it! - Okay, no, no, no, no, no.
- Giggle worm! - Okay.
Okay.
- Squiggle worm! - I'll get my own gold.
Thank you.
Okay.
Welcome back.
Why? I can't do this all on my own No, I know I'm no Superman I'm no Superman - See you later, buddy.
- Hey, have a good one, guys.
No, wait.
Something's wrong.
What is it? It's Dr.
Cox.
He's all up in my business.
And Dr.
Cox! Hang in there, Bear.
How did you know that he was hurting? Did you, like, hear it in his voice? With Turk, I can always feel it from his soul, like a wave of heat.
Are you gonna make a joke about how gay that sounds? Definitely.
I just don't have the words yet.
Well, let me know.
Hello, folks.
I'm Dr.
Christopher Turk.
You're right so far.
Continue.
Mr.
Halford, Dr.
Cox tells me that you're in need of a new kidney, and I understand your wife wants to be the donor.
So what do you say we run some tests and see if she's a match, okay? Dr.
Cox said you're the best surgeon here, so I'm fine.
- Right on.
See you guys later.
- Okay.
Now, I don't understand.
If I'm the best surgeon here, how come you're always looking over my shoulder? Oh, give me a break, would you? Saying someone is "the best surgeon" is like saying someone is the smartest cast member of The Hills.
Let's face it.
It's just not that tough to float to the top of the surgical toilet.
Take your fellow cutter, The Todd.
Now, he is also deemed competent enough to perform a kidney transplant on that gentleman right there.
Yet observe.
- Say Todd, what's for lunch today? - Not sure, bro.
This time I'll just move my lips as if I'm speaking, and his tiny surgeon brain will tell him the glass is now just too darn thick to hear through.
Can't hear you through the glass, dude.
- Wow.
- Wow, what? It's true! You're back! - I'm so happy.
- You don't look happy.
It's I don't smile a whole lot, and lately, when I try to, it hurts.
- But trust me, I'm happy.
- Return of the king, huh? Yeah.
I can't tell you how much I've missed having you around Jimmy, I'm really not comfortable with that.
Jimmy, downstairs.
No problem.
See you guys later.
I'm gonna have to teach you his command words.
Awesome.
Ow! I'm starving.
There's a Coffee Bucks up there, let's grab something.
I've got it.
The only way that moment you had with Turk could have been any gayer would be if you two went home and actually made love afterwards.
J.
D.
: No, Elliot.
Stop! You know I automatically picture any visual image someone puts in my head.
You can't do that.
It's embarrassing.
J.
D.
: But not as embarrassing as this.
Dr.
Kelso? Aren't you supposed to be on vacation? Crap.
Thanks for tagging in for me, Teddy.
I really need to ease myself back in.
Mopping is not like riding a bike.
That's for sure.
No problem.
Hey, Dr.
Turk, did you see who's back? - Hey.
- I know, right? - Oh, that sucks.
- What? It's my kidney transplant patient.
His wife's not I apologize.
I said "what," but I meant "move it along.
" By the way, what happened to the janitor they hired to replace you? We're going to have to let you go, Marv.
But, stiff upper lip.
- I'm sorry, Dr.
Itor.
- Call me Jan.
- I heard he quit.
- Huh.
Mopping's hard.
You're working against yourself there.
Go faster.
I bet you can't wait to call all your friends and tell them how pathetic I am.
Actually, sir, we young people are more into texting these days.
J.
D.
, be sensitive.
Don't act like you're at a ping-pong match between a ninja and Bigfoot.
I know that made no sense, but he's totally there now in his head.
Look at his eyes.
- Look at that.
- He should be out for a while.
I just have a lot more free time than I thought.
Enid and I were going to travel all over the country, but we don't have the cash right now.
Elliot, stop doing that! - Well, who won the ping-pong game? - The Sasquatch.
Then Turk and I took him to a carnival to celebrate.
Man, that hairy bastard loves funnel cake.
Amazing.
J.
D.
: Now it's time to split before he shares something so personal that we're trapped here forever.
We should probably get going The last thing I expected was to be an old man with no idea what the hell to do with his life.
Tom, I'm sorry, but Darcy was not a kidney match, so we need to get you on the transplant list right away - so we can find a new donor.
- Wrong.
- You didn't even hear what I told him.
- What did you tell him? - Well, I basically I told him - Wrong! Great news, folks.
I had occasion to speak with Dr.
Quinlan here.
Anyway, do you see his kidney patient, Mr.
Brinkley? It turns out that his wife is not a donor match for him, either.
And in the coincidence of the day, she is a match for you, sir, and you, Mrs.
Halford, are a match for him.
We do the old switcheroo, and everybody wins.
So when would I get my new kidney? Mr.
Brinkley has been on dialysis for quite some time, so Darcy, we're going to have to get him your kidney just as soon as possible.
And Tom, we'll schedule your surgery for next week.
Look, Dr.
Kelso, leaving any job is tough.
I remember when my cousin got fired from her job.
She was so depressed, because it was the only salon in town and all she ever wanted to do was cut hair.
Here it comes.
J.
D.
: Both Dr.
Kelso and I had heard enough of Elliot's inspirational stories to know that they invariably end with someone killing themselves.
But then she moved Huh, maybe not.
to a better place.
Or maybe so.
J.
D.
: Look, give yourself a little time.
You'll figure out how to be happy.
I promise.
I'm never ready for half the stuff that people say.
Whether it's an answer you didn't expect So how'd you get hired back? I didn't.
Technically, I don't work here.
a shocker from a patient We've been talking, and we don't want to trade kidneys with the Brinkleys.
We'll go on the transplant list.
or this.
Thanks.
I really appreciate you two trying to cheer me up.
Actually, that's wasn't unexpected, but this was Well, it's nice to see you two dating again.
J.
D.
: It was time to demand an explanation.
Why would you think we're dating? Why won't they do the kidney switch? If you weren't hired back, why are you here working? I'm not.
You are.
J.
D.
And I are just friends, Dr.
Kelso.
I mean, we just like hanging out together.
We rent movies, go on hikes.
On Sunday nights, we do our laundry together.
Did you know that Elliot's granny panties are actually her granny's panties? It's just one pair, J.
D.
Excuse me for being sentimental.
So, basically, you two do everything a normal couple does except have sex? Exactly.
Sounds awesome.
Pardon me.
I've had nine coffees in two hours.
Time to drain.
This is a new shirt.
Hey, do you ever still think of me in that way? What way? You know, in a sexual way.
Sometimes.
Do you ever think of me that way? Sometimes.
Put your shirt back on.
I'm just flipping it so you can't see the stain.
J.
D.
: And then I finally said it.
Do you think maybe we should talk about us? Maybe we should.
And just like that, it was as if we were off in our own little world.
My guy needs a kidney now.
Why wouldn't the Halfords say "yes"? Because they're in no rush.
Plus, the Halfords don't know the Brinkleys, so they don't trust them.
We're screwed.
Awesome.
In The Todd's world, if anybody gets screwed, it's a good thing.
Of course it is.
Look, I'm here because I want to be here.
But don't worry, I'm gonna get my job back.
Oh, good.
What's your plan? I just told it to you.
I'm here, therefore I will get my job back.
- You're making my head hurt.
- Now, we both know that's not me.
That's from when you were a baby and a marble fountain fell on you.
Sometimes my mom kept my crib in the driveway.
Mine, too.
But I've lived my life by a very specific credo.
"Everything works out for me.
" There is no way this works out for us.
The Halfords are stubborn people.
I've got an idea.
If the Halfords don't trust the Brinkleys to come through for them, we can just do the surgery simultaneously and take trust out as an issue.
That guy is such a jerk.
Don't worry, he can't hear me through the glass.
Do you want me to go first? Elliot, I've never been able to get over the idea of us.
I'm still crazy about you.
I don't really know what you want me to say.
Maybe you could tell me if you feel the same way.
Yeah.
Maybe you could say it without sounding angry.
But J.
D.
, you crushed me.
I mean, I gave you my love and you threw it back in my face, and pretty much scarred me romantically.
I mean, now I'm doomed to a life of gravitating to safe, boring guys who I don't really love, and I'm repelled by the ones I care for deeply.
- So thank you for that.
- Look, if it helps, you hurt me, too.
Really? There were so many times I wanted to be with you so badly, and you shot me down.
Like when we first met, or when you wanted to be sex buddies.
Oh, yeah.
But that's when I found work so overwhelming, and I didn't want you Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I'm sorry.
We've just been down this road so many times, you know? I mean, seriously, doesn't even talking about it just make you hate yourself a little bit? I can't tell if I'm just doing the normal amount of hating myself, or if I'm at a slightly higher level of self-Ioathing.
- You're too hard on yourself.
- No, I'm not.
I'm just stupid and ugly and I have a pig face.
Do you think we're just back here again because we're both Ionely and neither one of us has had any physical contact for months? - I've had physical contact.
- With who? All the energy's in you.
I'm just opening the channels.
There it is.
There it is.
I'd rather not talk about it.
Looks like everybody got through with flying colors.
Well, congratulations there, Gandhi.
Your ability to bring people together is very powerful.
Much like Gandhi.
That means a lot to me.
Because I'm just so desperate for your approval.
What the What's his problem? Is he still mad at me? Maybe.
I can't be sure.
You know, the Brinkleys never gave the Halfords a reason to be skeptical.
Life would be so much easier if everybody just trusted each other.
We have so much history, most of it bad.
Yeah.
- How can we ever get past that? - We can't.
Oh, good.
That makes me feel better.
But maybe we can remember all our pitfalls like a roadmap.
Maybe this time we can avoid all the drama.
We don't have to be that couple where one of us says they're moving out of town, the other one has to rush to the airport to stop them.
We don't have to argue about whether or not we were "on a break.
" You watched that Friends marathon last night, didn't you? I did.
I loved it.
The point is, Elliot, you're a lot stronger than you used to be.
I mean, I've changed, too.
I have a beard now.
Do you still let that inner voice of yours control you? J.
D.
: This is getting too serious.
Kick her! Kick her in the head! - Not as much.
- Hmm.
Paycheck time, everyone.
Come on, Whitney.
I like it when you do it like Oprah.
Fine.
Who wants to get a paycheck? You get a paycheck! You get a paycheck! You get a paycheck! You gotta go, man.
Everyone's gonna see when she doesn't have a check for you.
It'll be humiliating.
Look, you can't just say things are going to work out and then they do.
That's not how the world - Excuse me? I didn't get mine.
- Who are you? I'm the Janitor.
See? Actually, I'm the old janitor.
I replaced the janitor that replaced me.
So I'm still in the system.
I'll go get you a check.
Didn't mean to cut you off, Ted.
You were saying? Oh.
Yeah, there you go.
Mop it off.
Mop it off.
Mrs.
Winter, this is Dr.
Turk.
He's going to give you an exam and explain all your surgical options to you.
One second.
Hey.
You're leaving? Please don't make me have second thoughts by asking very stupid questions.
- So, what, you trust surgeons now? - No.
I trust you.
I know we're talking, but it still feels like we're being so careful, you know? We're just scared.
I made so many mistakes in my life because I was scared.
It's the reason I bailed when you said "I love you," it's the reason Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Okay.
But I am scared of ending our friendship.
What if I get hurt again? And what if you've picked up a new STD? For the last time, that was not an STD.
It was a urinary tract infection, and I got it from having sex with you in a pond.
J.
D.
: Yeah, you did.
I'll tell you what else I don't want to deal with.
- All the judgment from everyone else.
- Oh.
Dr.
Cox, Jordan, even Turk and Carla.
I mean, it's almost enough of a reason not to do anything.
Hogwash! Excuse me? That ridiculous drivel you just said.
Oh, but who am I to talk? Here I am eating some kind of a banana-nut-sawdust muffin and hiding out in this crappy excuse for a Coffee Bucks.
Who the hell cares what anybody else thinks? Just look into your heart and do whatever the hell makes you happy.
That's right, Ted, I'm back.
I love it here.
Donny! Moist! J.
D.
: Elliot and I were tempted to take Dr.
Kelso's advice, because often when you do what makes you happy, things have a way of working out.
Actually, I normally get paid twice this.
Hmm.
My mistake.
I'll be right back.
J.
D.
: But it also occurred to us that you can have the best intentions and still fall back into old habits.
Shh.
Get out of here.
J.
D.
: So I guess the real answer is that there is no easy answer.
You just have to go for it or not.
- This seems like a good idea.
- Who cares? I'm just gonna need to engage my legs.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Oh! - This is just to brace you.
Right? Right? You're a wizard.
We just gotta work this out.
Let it flow out.
Let it flow out.
And cut! - You like that, don't you? - Yeah, I God help me, Jimmy.
I do.
There it is.
Let it go.
- Deeper, please.
- Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.